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love-minor-poltergeist · 5 years

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A Fresh Start

(Widowmaker/Male!Reader)

Requested by: @widows-knight, who asked for a wedding-day request with a male reader and a pregnancy announcement at the end.

Word Count: 3,462

A/N: I originally tried to keep the request relatively simple, but the prompt developed a mind of it’s own and I kind of ran away with it! I hope you enjoy it!

Also- ngl, I must have spent what felt like a day researching flower symbolism for this (; v ;)

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For as long as she had been in Talon, Amélie never dreamed that she’d live to see the day she’d see the familiar sight before her again; albeit, she looked just a little bit different than her first wedding.

She stood before a mirror in a white dress, hair neatly done and tied and braided (courtesy of an incessant Sombra) into a bun, and lips painted with a dark plum-purple lipstick. White silk and lace flowed over blue skin like water, pale roses sewn delicately into the lace sleeves. Cheekily enough, Amélie found a few spiders hiding among the sea of roses, and she just knew that you had slipped in an extra request to the tailor.

She chuckled at the thought and briefly wondered how long it would take you to notice the small butterfly woven into your boutonniere.

Behind her, Amélie can see Sombra idly fiddling around with the thin bride’s veil while Gabriel leaned against the wall.

It had been surprisingly easy to invite the two of them to her wedding, Sombra practically jumping at the opportunity; though Amélie had to keep a close eye on her to make sure the younger woman didn’t cause too much mischief. Gabriel, on the other hand, hardly batted an eye at her request.

In fact Amélie thought the broody man wouldn’t even come- as he was never one for social gatherings, anyway. However, he had showed up to help her get ready in a suit that looked like it had seen better days, and seemed to at least try to be more sociable for her sake. Which, truthfully, was enough to make her almost crack a smile.

Even whenever the two started their bickering (“Oye, viejo, quit slouching-” “Oh, be quiet, you brat.”), it hardly dampened the mood. Instead earning an eye-roll and a low chuckle from her while she did her eye make up. She’ll let it slide just for now. If anything, it only added to the strange little family dynamic they had.

It helped her take her mind off knowing that you were out there waiting for her, likely nervously fiddling with the buttons on the cuffs of your suit, and blissfully unaware of the little surprise in the making.

She lowers a slender hand to her stomach and gently bites down on her lower lip.

Your relationship has always been...active, to put it lightly. Not that she was complaining. Oh no, far from it. It wasn’t even the highlight of the thing you had together.

Around you, Amélie was able to actually feel. Every moment spent around you gave her the sense of normalcy that had been ripped away from her. You didn’t shy or cower away from her the first time you met her; even going so far as to learn French to grow closer to her. Though you were more or less tongue tied after you had oh-so boldly approached her, and that had gotten her attention.

She gently chuckles to herself at the memory, the buzz of pleasurable warmth growing stronger and her cheeks flushing a light purple. At the time, Amélie had no idea what it was about you that interested her.

Perhaps it was the way you seemed so earnest in your attempts to get to know her that intrigued her. Or maybe it was because of cute you looked all flustered and stumbling over your french- and she hardly ever used to word cute for anything.

Whatever the reason may be, she had let you come closer to her- a choice she never once regretted. And neither did she regret saying yes when you had quietly kneeled before her to pop the question.

The hand on her middle tenses and her brows crease as she gave her reflection a tight-lipped smile. While her heart rate was still worryingly low from Talon’s poking and prodding, Amélie swore that she felt it race.

And it wasn’t just because of wedding-day jitters.

“Have you told him yet?”

Gabriel’s sudden question snapped her from her thoughts, causing her gaze to move to his reflection behind her.

He hadn’t moved at all from his place on the wall, but his normally stern (or as Sombra dubbed it, his “resting bitch face”) had softened a fraction as he gave her a small frown. From her place on the armchair not too far behind Amélie , Sombra piped up before the bride could answer.

“No, she hasn’t.”

Amélie turns from the mirror to give the younger woman a hard stare, which merely earned her a shrug. Gabriel sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, his brow twitching; the sight not too far off from an exasperated father.

He’s interrupted before he has the chance to lecture her.

“Chut toi. I don’t plan on hiding it from him.” the hand at Amélie ’s side tightens into a fist as she shoots the taller man a curt look. “It’s just..”

She trails off, her lips falling into a tense line.

Talon had broken her down mentally and physically, taking her whole being and filling it with poison that burned away at her core until a fleshy, twitching wound was left. The pain excruciating as it tore away inside of her and molded her into the perfect little pawn Talon wanted: a living weapon.

Already pale skin turned a sick, chalky white until it took on a blue hue, giving her an unnatural appearance. Her skin was now cold to the touch, almost as if she was a walking corpse. Had it not been for the fact that she could very faintly feel her pulse every now and then, Amélie would’ve thought her heart had stopped a long time ago.

So naturally, Amélie assumed her body just wasn’t able to do certain things anymore.

Then the two little pink lines on her pregnancy test had to completely blindside her, throwing her for an emotional loop.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to have children; she had played with the idea of starting a family before Talon’s influence, after all. Having a child to teach ballet or proudly show off their feats had especially warmed her heart enough to almost propose the idea to Gérard.

Of course, that was all before she had her life destroyed and her first husband killed at her own hands.

A bitter smile formed as she crossed her arms, nails digging into lace.

Well, if she had thought parenting would be stressful before, than she was certain that it would be a downright disaster now. Would the child even be healthy? What if it would only bring regret, causing a strain in your relationship?

A slender, warm hand claps onto her shoulder, forcing Amélie back into the present.

Sombra at least had enough manners to give her a somewhat sheepish smile. Just as the younger woman opened her mouth, Gabriel interrupted her.

“You do realize this is him, we’re talking about, right?” Gabriel’s gruff voice takes on a note gentle enough to catch the attention of both women before him.

His face hadn’t changed much, but the concerned frown was enough to emphasize the thin scars and lines littered across his face- showing off years of stress and strain.

“The guy has it bad for you, Guillard. If he’s stuck around long enough to get the balls to propose to you, then a pregnancy won’t be an issue for him.”

“..It also helps that you have the man whipped.” Sombra grins beside her as Gabriel rolls his eyes. Though Amélie can see the ghost of a smile on his face before he covered it by coughing into a closed fist

“Sombra-”

“Oh, did you want me to get mushy with it, old man?” Sombra snorts, gently turning Amélie ’s head towards herself. Purple eyes glance over to Gabriel and motion towards the door, staring at him before he relents with a huff.

“I’ll wait for both of you outside. Try not to take too long unless you want to give the soon-to-be husband a heart attack.”

“Well, when you say it like that-” She’s cut off as Gabriel shuts the door, leaving the two women alone. A few moments of silence passed before Sombra hears a slightly muffled “ahem” next to her, and she turns over to meet Amélie ’s slightly squished face.

She grins and the frenchwoman huffs before promptly prying herself away from Sombra’s grip.

After briefly checking in the mirror to see if her makeup was smudged, Amélie turns back to Sombra, brows furrowed.

Yellow eyes meet purple, neither women saying a thing as the two of them stood in silence. A few moments pass and Sombra is the first to break the silence, her voice uncharacteristically quiet as she grabs onto her taller friend’s shoulders.

“He loves you a lot, you know.” Amélie quietly nods, more to herself. Sombra gives her a tiny smile, quietly laughing to herself as she continues.

“Did you know he asked me if I knew any French so he could talk to you? Me of all people! And he didn’t think I would mess with him when he did- even after I told him whatever bullshit came into mind!”

Suddenly, your stuttered and near-nonsensical phrases made a lot more sense.

“A part of me almost felt bad when I did it; pobrecito bebé just didn’t know any better,” Sombra waves her hand, a small smirk on her face. “To be honest, I was expecting you to shoot him down like you did the others.”

Her brows furrowed as her smirk fell slightly, a smile taking its place.

“So imagine my surprise you had this funny look on your face-” “You were watching us the entire time?” Amélie already knew the answer to that question, but she couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit of annoyance flare up at it.

The Mexican only gives her a tiny shrug and a sheepish grin as she continues.

“Anyways, you didn’t look like you hated him, so I mostly just left you two be then. But then he just kept coming back to me for help, always so eager to try and get closer to you.”

Sombra’s face took on a softer appearance, a near giddy smile on her face.

“Even when the two of you had your down moments, he stuck by; just trying to understand the best way he can.”

Amélie blinks, eyes stinging slightly as her friend reached up to put in the bridal veil; careful not to undo hours of work put into her hair. Thin lace lightly brushes against her bare neck, the fabric the tiniest bit itchy as it falls over her face.

Sombra steps back to admire her handiwork, silent as she places a hand on her chin as she looks Amélie up and down. Purple lips purse for a moment, before she nods and looks back up to meet her friend’s stare.

She sighs, her face falling into a look of unbridled warmth.

“What I’m trying to say is that I think he’s going to keep trying to do his best for you. And I say this as the person who had to deal with him fussing over what do to make you happy.”

Though she could feel her chest begin to grow tight and her vision grow slightly blurry, Amélie breathed out a quiet laugh as Sombra placed a hand on her cheek.

“..Plus the old man and I kinda already gave him our blessing without telling you. I don’t know if I should be saying sorry about that right now, but we just wanted to let you know that we think you deserve something good-” Sombra trails off as cool flesh meets her hand, the pair locking eyes as Amélie gives the shorter woman a small but grateful smile.

“..Thank you, Sombra.”

“Pssh, don’t get all soft on me now, hermosa. You’re supposed to save that for the actual wedding part,” Sombra laughs, but Amélie can see her wipe at the corner of her eye with her other hand through the lace curtains of her veil.

A sharp knocking fills the air, causing the two women to look over as Gabriel opens up the door. He pauses for a moment, suddenly feeling a bit awkward as he took in the sight before him. He clears his throat, glancing off into the hallway.

“...Do the two of you need more time?”

Amélie is the first one to collect herself, taking in a deep breath before stepping forward.

“We were just wrapping things up,” She pauses for a moment. “...Where did you two put the bouquet?”

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Not too far away from the trio, you were left to wait for your soon-to-be-wife at the altar; your chest tight and heart nervously fluttering as you periodically glanced into your reflection in a nearby window.

Every strand of hair and small wrinkle was heavily scrutinized, quickly tucked in place and neatly smoothed back; your fingers slightly shaking each time you did so. It was a little tedious, but it was enough to mostly take your mind off how nervous you were while you waited.

Then your eyes would wander to the flower on your lapel. A single, deep-red carnation sitting in the button hole and then to the tiny, silk yellow butterfly carefully placed in the center, and your heart races and a trace of cold sweat begins to form.

To say that you were nervous would be an understatement.

You let out a shaky sigh and adjust your tie one last time before turning away from your reflection. For what must have been the twentieth time today, you scanned the room of people in front of you.

Oblivious to the groom’s plight, the neatly-dressed crowd of guests chatted and laughed amongst themselves as they waited for the main event, enveloping the room in a relaxed air.

You could make out a few familiar faces of family members here and there, as well as some of the members of your unit scattered throughout; most of which were taking the occasional swig from flasks they snuck in in between conversation.

A good chunk of the population here were mostly people you invited, which weren’t a lot of people. Amélie , meanwhile, hardly invited anyone at all save for Gabriel and Sombra. Which didn’t bother you, truthfully.

While Gabriel may scare you a little and though Sombra had messed with you a majority of your time knowing her, you knew well that Amélie had come to care for them greatly. And in her line of work, friends were few and far between. Most of one’s time with Talon was spent wondering whether or not they’d get to live another day.

After how far she’s come, Amélie deserved to have those two by her side on her big day. Where, you hope, it would only be the start of a lasting and happy marriage.

You take in a shaky breath and ran a hand through your hair. You hadn’t seen Amélie since this morning on account of your bride not wanting to bring any bad luck, and it’s been stressful. Your mind kept drifting to a hundreds of “what-ifs”; Amélie getting cold feet and leaving you the most prominent one.

It certainly didn’t help that she’s been behaving oddly since a few weeks ago, having been caught more than once staring young couples whenever the two of you were out on dates; especially ones who had a child or two with them. Amélie had of course tried to reassure you was nothing wrong before changing the subject, but a nagging part of you insisted otherwise.

Your anxiety over the situation only grew worse when you woke up in your shared bed to Amélie vomiting in the bathroom a week before your wedding. She had insisted that it was just from an upset stomach, but it had done nothing to quell your nerves.

Someone clears their throat nearby, nearly making you jump. You turn to see Gabriel standing beside you and he moves to pat at your shoulder- stoic face breaking slightly to offer awkward comfort.

“She’s coming in a bit. We just had some, ah… minor difficulties.” he coughs, moving his arms behind his back.

Before you even had the chance to wonder just what the hell the other man meant by that, Gabriel looks towards the entrance of the room and Sombra- who had her upper torso poking out between the cracked double doors- shoots him a thumbs up.

Just like that, he gives you one last rough pat on the shoulder before stepping away to stand next to the altar. The officiant, who had silently stood back and waited, cleared his throat-causing you to nearly jump, as you completely forgot he was there- and take his place at the small podium behind you.

The double-doors open up with a groan that filled the room, a hushed silence fell over the crowd. Your breath hitches as you take in the sight of Amélie making her way towards you, white lace following and flowing with each step.

A carefully arranged- and from the looks of it, slightly battered- array of blue roses and slender rain lilies sat in her hands. Though their petals had suffered some damage, it did nothing to take away from their beauty; their colors still vibrant and rich, and full of life.

Beside her, Sombra was attached to the crook of her arm- a smaller bouquet of her own in her free hand- as the two walked down the aisle. The two of you lock eyes and she gives you a grin and tried to shoot you a pair of finger guns- albeit failing with her since her were hands full.

Though you couldn’t see it, you were sure Amélie fondly rolled her eyes.

When the two finally reach the altar, you find yourself at a loss of words, your breath hitching as you stare at the veil of lace in front of you. Perhaps it was a bit predictable of you, but at this very moment, even with her face concealed, Amélie never looked more stunning like she did now.

The officiant’s droning fell on deaf ears as you gave your soon-to-be wife a watery smile.

You mouthed a small ‘I’m happy that I met you’, chest tight as the situation began to settle in.

It wasn’t until when you finally lifted up Amélie ’s veil and kissed her that you began to feel wetness gather at your eyes, and your cheeks stinging from how hard you were smiling.

The entire room erupted in cheers and shouts of congratulations all around you, and you were certain that Sombra had shouted something ridiculous because you hear Gabriel burst out into rare laughter.

Though you paid the noise no mind as a cool hand reached up to gently wipe at the corner of your eye, and the sight of your wife- cheeks flushed and eyes soft- with a small smile on her face. Eager, you slowly move her hand away from your face to slide the ring on her finger.

You fully welcomed the tears gently rolling down your face at this point, you hear Amélie in front of you gently laugh; light-heartedly chastising you for working her up this much as she wipes at her eyes.

The rest of the evening passed by in a blur, joy and merriment filled the air and creating a pleasurable buzz. Guests gradually began to trickle out as the sun turned a burnt-orange as the sun began to set down the horizon.

Gabriel and Sombra were the last guests to leave, the two of them shooting their friend a look you couldn’t quite read. Amélie huffs at this before shooing them away and Sombra’s laughs before the door closes; leaving you alone with your new wife.

The two of you were silent, but that didn’t bother either of you in the slightest; too blissed out to let it do so.

As the two of you moved towards the exit, towards the sleek limousine that’ll escort the two of you for the day, Amélie promptly stops just when you were about to open the door.

Confused, you turn to look towards her, and see her lips drawn into a thin line.

“I need to tell you something before we go,” her words curt, worry bleeding into her tone as a hand smooths the lace of her sleeves.

“Of course. Is there something wrong?”

“Non, Non. It’s just..” she sucks in a deep breath.

“I’m pregnant.”

#amelie lacroix #Overwatch #overwatch reader insert #x reader #reader insert #reader-inserts #male reader #widowmaker x reader #requests #weddings #pregnancy mention #slight angst #gabriel reyes #reaper overwatch #sombra overwatch #hopefully this isn't too ooc #widowmaker x male!reader #sombra gabe and amelie have a found family relationship and i will die by this dynamic #My writing

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rosellasans · 5 years

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Who Guards Who?

Summary: Rose is not a very good bodyguard.

17. Bodyguard AU w/ Underfell Brothers

Pairing: Lasagna Roses - Fell/Rose/Red

Rated M for sexual implications

“StOP.” The “p” even had a pop to it. Which was something, because Rose doesn’t have lips for it. Red, who was about to drink leisurely, it’s kind of mandatory at a bar, paused to give Rose an annoyed look.

“What. What ya want?”

When the agency said they’d give he and his brother a bodyguard, Red didn’t think it’d be someone who looked more like a hooker, what with the high heels, black side-slit dress, and their … bodacious figure. It was hard to imagine the guy to be a bodyguard at all.

Alas, they already paid the deposit, so they’ll have to make do.

The business deal was supposed to be made in a bar. Inconspicuous and all that. If anything then, Rose, their bodyguard, fit the part. Blending in with the crowd … all too well.

It was going rather well, with Red separating from Fell and taking Rose with him to gather up information before the time of exchange.

Then this happened. Can’t even joy a single drink for the life of him.

“Since I’m your bodyguard—” oh for the love of. “—I should drink this for you. Check for unwarranted substances.”

Red was only amused by the big words as Rose promptly took his drink. “Hey!”

Too late, Rose was already chugging it down and—“O-Oy.” That was a whole glass. Red couldn’t tell if he should think it’s impressive or dumb. “Can ya even hold your liquor?”

“Haaaaah~” Rose licked his mouth.

Hmm? Suddenly the mood changed. Was it just Red, or did his bodyguard somehow looked sexie—“Mmph!”

A hand propped his chin up as Red’s eye lights shrank when he felt Rose’s tongue play with his. Huh? W-What was happening?!

“Mmngh! Nggh! MMnnh ... haah mm … mmnn nngh.” Red caught himself following when Rose pulled back, cheeks flushing from embarrassment as Rose chuckled.

“Oh~ You wanted more?” Rose caressed Red’s cheek, making the latter sputter incoherently. “Such a naughty kitten.”

K-Kitten? One shock after another, Red couldn’t keep up with the sudden change. “H-Hey, Tim! What the hell was in that drink?”

Tim, the bartender, wore a troubled expression. “It was just sazerac. Our most popular alcoholic drink.”

Red had it before, and it was a bit strong with some zest, but otherwise, it was a pretty good drink. “Nothing else?”

Tim shook his head.

When Red turned to Rose, he was startled silly to find the guy gone.

He got out of his seat to look around. “Where the fuck did he go?!”

----

At another area, much more hidden, was another bar. Fell was chatting up a few big shots to get some connections, and making future deals with them. He managed to get a good amount of deals when he spotted Rose walking towards him.

Fell raised a brow in question. Did Red send Rose to check up on him? Or it was part of Rose’s duty—his sockets widened a fraction no noticeable enough, when Rose pressed himself against him.

“So here you were~ I’ve been looking for you.”

Before Fell could even ask, there were already onlookers and the business partners he made took interest in the newcomer. “My, what a lovely lady. Is this your partner, mister Enrique?”

Fell’s brow twitched, while Rose gave the people a questioning look. “Enr—” Fell turned his body slightly to block Rose. “Actually, sir Hodgen. This is my—”

“Sir Hodgen.” Rose’s alluring gaze and his sensual body language made others have … indecent thoughts. It was difficult not to, and the person himself wasn’t making it any easier to deny it.

“Ye-Yes?”

Rose smiled lightly. “I’ve heard about your company, and ...” He sighed. Fell couldn’t help but look at Rose. What was he playing at?

“W-What?” Hodgen prompted.

“... It’s just, you only plan to sell 20% to my darling when …” Rose’s gaze suddenly became sharp. “It’s not even worth 5 billion asking price.”

“What do you mean?!” The crowd around them begin to murmur. “It’s a generous offer considering the wide margin of profit—”

“Ah, but, didn’t you recently part of your stocks to Zachary Hughes of the Carpers Corporation?”

“H-How did you—”

“You wanted both of them to fight on a losing market value, and estimate buying their stocks down the line.”

Hodgen began sweating bullets. Losing strength as his legs quaked in fear at the cold gaze staring down on him. Desperate anger surged up as he glared at Fell, pointing accusingly at him. “S-Spouting nonsense! Control your wife or else I’ll—”

“Are you threatening me, sir Hodgen.” Red eye lights grew brighter, making Hodgen fall to the ground with trembling fright. “I admit that what my partner did, was rather uncalled for.” He circled an arm around Rose’s waist to pull him close. “And I plan to give the appropriate punishment for it.” Fell snorted at the happy look on Rose. “However,” he looked down at Hodgen. “I dislike being played with.” Hodgen choked on his breath, unable to speak out from the overwhelming pressure pulling at him. “Consider any future deals and relations between us finished.”

The crowd made way as Fell left with Rose, and met up with Red looking frantic until he saw them. “Y-You! Where the fuck were you?!”

“Aww~” Rose walked over to embrace Red. Because of their height difference, the short skeleton face planted into soft pillows. “Did kitten miss me~?”

Red’s face exploded while Fell raised a brow. “Kitten?”

“Shut up! And stop calling me that!” Red pushed Rose away. “What kind of bodyguard are you anyway?! Who goes k-kis—calling their client kitten?!”

“Hm? Kiss?” Fell heard right didn’t he. “What’s going on?”

“That?” Rose turned to Fell. “We can do it too~” His arms circled around Fell, tiptoeing to reach for the mouth.

Once Fell’s initial surprise dissipated, he took over the kiss. Arms wrapped around Rose as they clashed for dominance, Rose eventually succumbed to Fell’s advances. He was forced to submit and become a docile bunny.

“So forceful~” Rose chuckled. Cheeks flushing with a hint of colour that he looked even more tempting than before.

“G-Geez.” Red didn’t even know what to say. Just that, he was glad these things were normal in bars.

Parting for breath, Fell held Rose and concluded. “You’re drunk.”

“Huh?!” Drunk? Rose was acting like this because he was drunk?

Rose giggled as if he was caught in his pranks. “Depends. If I admit that I am, will we do more than just kissing?”

“Hmph. I’ll consider it if you behave.”

“Hehe. No promises~”

----

Come next morning, Rose was shocked to wake up on his client’s bed. And he was bare …

“You’re awake.” The door opened with Fell coming in, a tray of breakfast on both hands. He set it down on the table. “How’re you feeling?”

Rose blinked. “Did we …?”

“Yes.”

“... Nooooo.” Rose slumped back to the bed. “I was drunk wasn’t I? Damnit. Damnit!”

Fell furrowed his brows. Was there a problem with hi—

“I can’t remember anything once I get drunk! Damnit!”

Ah. That’s why. Fell’s irritation disappeared.

Rose sat back up. “Redo! I want a redo. Can we fuck again? Please~ Pretty please—Hgk” Fell’s hand covered Rose’s face to shut him up and pushed him back.

“Calm down. Eat your breakfast first.” Fell sat down on the bed.

Rose crawled to Fell, latching onto his arm. “But are we gonna?”

“... I’ll consider it if you behave.”

Rose brightened. “Okay~”

“Geez, you two.” Red popped in with clothes for Rose. “If you’re gonna start again, count me out. I’m still tired from last night, so I’m gonna catch up on sleep.” He yawned, throwing the clothes on the bed and popping out.

“Eeeehh? We had a threesome?!” It was truly depressing that he forgot all about it.

“Hmph. I’m more than enough.” Fell kept in mind that Rose was a lightweight. Based on his brother telling him that Rose only had one drink. If that’s all it took, and Rose acted that way … Tch. “Anyway, eat your breakfast or we’re not going to do—”

“I’m eating! I’m going to eat! Please fuck me after!”

And with Rose’s insistence, the latter would be really easy to take advantage of…

Fell wasn’t one for flings, so now that he’s chosen, he’ll have to make sure no one else thinks about flirting with Rose. “You’re only allowed to do it with me.”

“Awww, so no threesome?”

“Only with my brother.”

“Pffft. That’s fucked up.”

“I trust him.”

Rose gasped. “I’m tellin—”

“I won’t fuck you.”

“—no one. You didn’t let me finish!” Rose pouted as he was handed the tray. Upon first bite, he was in heaven. "So good~ This is delicious, mister Fell!"

"Naturally. And just Fell is fine." They were a couple now after all.

Rose began to eat happily. He was being served like a princess that it was easy to forget he was the bodyguard here.

And with Fell becoming protective of Rose now…

Honestly, who was really the bodyguard here.

#lasagna roses #rosella sans #uf!sans #uf!papyrus

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goodguidanceptc · 5 years

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Ironman New Zealand Race Report March 2, 2019

Welcome masochists and insomniacs. When people ask me about my races, I usually try to deliver a balance of facts (split times, data, total race time) and feelings (mind & body perceptions, key moments) in an entertaining yet succinct report. As usual, that often means STRONG LANGUAGE. Here goes:

Prologue:

A few weeks prior to the trip, I learned that I’d been selected for the “Ironman New Zealand Experience,” an online contest, administered with typical Kiwi approach by the local council. Read: relaxed, with ZERO Ironman lawyers involved. Six men and six women were selected--based on online posts--to learn a haka, perform at the athlete dinner and attend an after-race luncheon that included a presentation and performance of Maori history and traditions.

I suspect my "pick me! pick me!” post got me plucked from a small applicant pool. Supporting evidence: of the twelve selected, two others were my training buddies from Chicago, Christine B. and Bernie Mc. SIDE NOTE: Each winner was allowed one additional guest at the luncheon--so a very special thanks to Christine for graciously counting my wife as her guest which meant I had both my wife and son at the luncheon.

Haka is Maori for “breathe fire.” Historically, hakas were performed by Maori warriors prior to battle. These days they are performed ceremonially to celebrate major milestones (marriage, retirement), honor important guests or--perhaps most notably--to intimidate opponents at athletic events (here’s a link). Outside of New Zealand, the most famous and awe-inspiring hakas are performed my the Maori All-Blacks National Rugby team prior to each match.

I learned that there are hundreds of haka versions, each with its own inherent weight baked into the story it’s presenting. Although it was very different than the aggressive, male-only, pre-battle version the All-Blacks perform, I personally felt a tremendous honor and reverence for the one we learned.

The haka preserves indigenous culture, energetically injects traditional language into a modern forum, gathers and channels group energy by seamlessly melding ritual gesture and movement with raw emotion. It all adds up to a sum greater than it’s parts that’s simultaneously respectful and rebellious. Taken as a whole, the haka is something like how the Incredible Hulk would dance if the Incredible Hulk danced.

All of which is just to say that before I even started the race, I’d already experienced that tremendous joy that comes with receiving an unexpectedly perfect gift. IMNZ was already a success before the race even started. Now, let’s get back to facts...

Total race time = 11:33

Not a PR, but a mature result. “Mature?” you may be wondering, “Really?” Granted, few people would describe anything I do as mature, so perhaps a better word is un-deluded. Why? Because plantar fasciitis made for a “No-Run November” (all long runs performed in a pool), I hadn’t done enough resistance training, and winter holidays not only make it impossible to train, they make it nearly impossible to fuel properly.

In his book, Elite Minds, Dr. Stanley Beecham suggests giving yourself a W when you trained your best and an L if you didn’t. My record for this training sequence (Nov-Feb) was 89-20-11. ( I gave myself T for Ties on days when training went right but something else went bad...usually diet.) In other words, a respectable-but-not-stellar W average (.741) earned a respectable-but-not-stellar result.

But still, the haka was awesome.

Pre-Race

Slept well. Ate well. No mechanical issues. Huddled briefly with most of the training buddies and Iron sherpas prior to warming up properly in the water.

Swim (1:06 total swim time)

Clear sighting, aggressive line, good tactics (drafted when possible), and even got some help from the current towards the end. That said, the two turn buoys at the far end were both a raucous scrum. First time I ever took a hard shot to the lip. My best swim ever.

T1 (7:49)

"T1 is a 400 meter run from the swim out...” My ass. If that’s 400 meters, I’m Leslie Jones from SNL. Plus, AFTER the “400 meters,” a winding grass staircase comparable to any third-floor-walk-up or Wisconsin helix--easily another +50 meters at an +8% grade.

Once I did get up Mount Metric Bullshit, I moved right along. Sprayed on some sunscreen, stuffed a plastic bag under the regular bike jersey with some light gloves (in case it was nippy for the first hour), shoes on in the tent. Go.

Bike (5:38, technically a bike PR)

Two loops. Windy? A tad. The outbound tailwind was so strong, I struggled to maintain target watts. Get that? I didn’t have to pedal as hard as I’d trained to because I was easily traveling +20 mph on flat sections. Ditched the plastic bag and gloves at the first aid station because it was sunny and mild and I was feeling really great. Of course, logic dictates that inbound would be a shitstorm. Which it was. Oy. Mixed with some crosswinds too just in case you, oh I dunno...tried to pee on the bike and took too long...or wanted to take in some nutrition. Nasty. I caught myself using a bastardized mantra from IMAZ, “Frontside fast side, backside strong side” which morphed into “Out bound, throw down; In bound, get down.” whenever I was tempted to chase or draft.

A word on drafting: it’s illegal in Ironman races. BUT! By slipping into the draft zone of somebody passing faster than you are passing then letting them go, you can save energy and still stay within the letter and spirit of the rule. That said, 12 meters = 6ish bike lengths so don’t be the fucko that lingers.

Repeated that song and dance inbound on both loops. It’s a terrible thing when you can’t stay in aero-position because you gotta pee but can’t pee because the wind stuffs any momentum you need to keep your leg straight long enough to break the seal. But it WILL keep you legal.

For you data geeks: Normalized Power was 197 but I AVERAGED 20 m.p.h.

Another notable: the bone-shaking chip-seal they use to pave most New Zealand roads. It just rattled my whole rig from pedals to fingertips to helmet. That shit literally rattled my Torpedo bottle right out from between my aero-bars about halfway through. I’d already taken in the nutrition so I left it (apologies to all the Tidy Kiwis and the whole leave-it-like-you-found-it philosophy) and just held fresh bottles in with my thumbs as needed.

T2 (4:13)

Efficient but could have been a tad quicker. At this point in the race, I was on plan, feeling good and ready to attack the run. Nutrition was on point. Legs were solid, stomach was a non-issue and weather conditions were near ideal. Sunny and delightful low 70s. I was actually looking forward to Run Special Needs where I’d planted a fresh shirt and an extra bottle of nutrition.

Run (4:36 aka: avg 10:39/mi)

I went sub-4 hours in Louisville under raining mid-40 degree conditions. If I could have just matched that, I’d have delivered a juicy PR of under 11 hours.

It seemed reasonable that flat IM-LOU shitstorm would vaguely equate to hilly IM-NZ sunny delight, yes?

No.

That three loop run over what my training bro Andrew T. would call offensive hills was having none of that nonsense. Turns out, I was woefully undertrained. My legs were just not up to the second and third loop of hills, despite biking to plan, executing nutrition properly, and taking the first loop at a very easy RPE.

In past reports I’ve shared some of the actual mental chatter that runs through my head but in this case none of my mantras were very interesting or helpful. What I have learned to do when I’m truly falling apart is to reinvest in technique. Focus on the extremely immediate present, which I used to counter punch one particularly angry and persistent neg that I just couldn’t shake. See if you can pick it out of the following scientifically gathered brainwave transcription:

...chatter-chatter-chatter...BREATHE...left-right-left-right-Toe-off-knees-up-hands-up-lean-easy-at-the-ankles-glutes-tucked-somebody-fucking-LIED-to-me-goddamBREATHE!-Toe-off-knees-up-hands-up-lean-easy-at-the-ankles-glutes-tucked-somebody-fucking-LIED-to-me-goddamnit-Toe-off-left-right-left...chatter-chatter-chatter...BREATHE

On a slightly more-vulnerable note, I will share this: typically, a few tears leak out at special needs. Hormones? Pain? Mental breakdown/relief that the marathon is half over? All of the above, probably. Just a few moments of a grown man losing it. (Do NOT watch Ricky Gervais’ After Life while jet lagged. But DO watch it. Amazing. Shut up. Don’t judge my process.)

Anyway, I was all business during the Special Needs of this run but lost it right after a particularly steep descend where some guardian bros had set up an “unofficial aid station” consisting of Red Bull, handles of vodka, and liters of Jaegermeister. A runner just ahead of me had grabbed something off their card table and their robust cheering were suddenly horrific screams warning him off of chugging it. I was just tickled and toasted at the same time and it all came gushing out. Just all kinds of quads burning gasping ugly face craughing (learned that word from a tweet praising After Life, btw). Of course my male ego would NEVER allow me to overly express vulnerability in front of the drunken bros, thoughtful though they were. So I kept running. A woman running along side me kindly asked if I was okay, I said, “Oh...yeah...this...just happens,” between gulping breaths, “The good...news...is...it’s much...later...than usual.” Which cracked her up, so... y’know, pay it forward.

After slogging my way through the third loop, and making my way through the finishing chute, where the normally incomparable Mike Reilly butchered my last name, I was told that I’d been on the leaderboard during the bike and immediately fell off during the run.

So even though I did not over-bike, I did under-train. Plus, I did not need to go directly to Medical in shock, which suggests that my race plan, nutrition strategy and execution was pretty spot on. IMAZ was a PR of 11:19 and IMNZ was 11:33.

OVERALL RACE GRADE: C. Just a C.

OVERALL EXPERIENCE GRADE: A+

As with prior races, IMNZ yielded some incremental improvements. As I said at the top, this was a mature result, with which I am unsatisfied. I haven't yet done my best race. I haven’t yet DONE MY BEST. There is clearly opportunity for improvements to all five aspects of my racing:

Swim was well executed. Still room for growth.

Bike was properly executed. Adequate. If anything, I could have pushed more.

Run. Ugh. Time to throw myself into Runner’s World and CARA and make like Forrest Gump and Prefontaine and Mo. Also, back to Hokas. Or maybe Altras. The Brooks I ran in were farts. The blisters on my toes had blisters. Not kidding.

Fuel strategy and execution was on point, although I was a few kilos heavier than previous races. Holidays and too few resistance training sessions.

Transitions were adequate.

Am I one of the guys at the pointy end of the bell curve? Clearly still yes. Maybe I’ve just evolved beyond a standard group training plan. Self-Coach? I’ve got the credentials and experience. Back to a previous coach? Maybe a new coach? I’d take some applications. Yes.

In the meantime, I’ll see you in Chattanooga for some 70.3 action in May, 2019. That’s only two build cycles. Ima go noodle around in TrainingPeaks.

WAIT. HERE’S THE BERNIE STORY...

Bernie McNally is one of those people I am just glad to have in my life. This race report would be wholly inadequate if I didn't share how this amazing woman is absolutely unstoppable.

First, she got everybody who trained for New Zealand (at Well-Fit) a fleece.

I forgot to mention she broke her ribs in a bike accident a few months ago.

Then, in what can only be described as the luck of the Irish, she charmed her way into the “New Zealand Experience” haka class. Just showed up and got in. Turns out one of the women selected didn’t show up. Classic.

Here’s the unstoppable part: at around Mile 110 of the New Zealand Full fucking Ironman race, she hit a cone and went over her bike handle bars. Road rash up her arm, split her knee open and cracked her head/helmet on a curb. A bystander said, “Do you need some help? I’m calling an ambulance.”

Her reply?

“Just help me get my chain back on.”

So he did. And she finished the bike. The medics in T2 told her she needed stitches. She said she didn’t have time, to just patch her up so she could get on with it. She finished the race with half an hour to spare. Words fail.

All I know is this: whenever I’m feeling like I can’t get it done--and it can be anything from driving in traffic to folding laundry to a holding pace on a long run--I know exactly what I’ll hear.

A thick, sassy, Irish brogue doing the haka.

WITH GRATITUDE FOR…

I’m very grateful to my lovely wife Susan and my wonderful kids, Peter and Veronica for their support. Susan, you are my salvation.

I’m grateful to have the expert professionals Coach Russ and Coach Sharone and the entire Well-Fit staff and athletes who generously share their wisdom.

I’m grateful to my inspiring and impressive training partners. Especially the seven hardcore savages that got it done in New Zealand--Adam, Christine, Dan, Kelly, Megan, Mike, Will and Bernie.

I’m very grateful to anybody willing to excuse my terrible smell, deplorable language and barbaric sounds during training.

Maximum gratitude to Well-Fit, Get-A-Grip, Fleet Feet and all the pools I use.

I’m grateful for Crushing Iron (C26), Matt Fitzgerald, Joe Friel, Training Peaks, Scott brand bikes, Apple, Ironman.

Thank you to all the on-course maniacs cheering and making signs and wearing all sorts of crazy outfits to show love and support. For strangers exercising.

I’m grateful that I’m able to race triathlons. I’m grateful to you for reading.

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renaissancedweeb · 6 years

Text

Prompt #20: Debts Repaid

This was a bad idea. She knew it was a bad idea the moment Melvin came back empty handed. Then he had started talking nonsense about the client not letting him in, and ‘’E says ‘e would only speak wiff you, Boss Lady.’ She could smell the bullshit from the door where he stood.

“Remind me again why I pay you?” she said, clearly exasperated.

“Aw, come on, Boss. I tried me ‘ardest, honest to gods I did.”

Neither he nor the gods were honest, but she let it slide. There was a game being played involving promises and money. Someone thought they could change the rules on her, but that was fine. She was an expert player, and only a novice thought they could use someone like Melvin with any degree of subtlety.

“‘Ere it is!”

The pair stopped in front of a modest looking home in what could be considered the lower-middle class area of Limsa Lominsa. Merchants that preferred the sea air to that of the desert were often found here, the ones who made a decent enough living but had not managed to amass a fortune. Those merchants also had a habit of employing pirates and other rough types, and a good few of them had come through her doors looking for a loan to go chasing rainbows which she was happy enough to give. After all, she always got her money back one way or another. Today looked like “another” route.

“Well? Knock on the door,” Bikki said, arms crossed under her bosom and eyes narrowed to show her clear irritation.

It was almost cute how Melvin could barely restrain his glee. She had hired him as her collector--which was fancy talk for knee-breaker--precisely because he could not lie his way out of anything. Too, his poker face was atrocious and while he was not the most intimidating when spoken to at length he was big and could look meaner than an angry coeurl when he had a mind to. He also had no qualms about breaking bones of people who had not personally wronged him, so he had been a perfect fit. Alas, someone put some ideas into his head and now she would have to let him go.

“Oy! Open ‘er up! Brought ‘er by like ye asked, y’bilge sucker!”

She bit her lip to stop the smile from spreading across her face. If she gave away her hand too early then the game would be lost. Not that Melvin would notice it for what it was, but the man that opened the door would.

“Ah, Miss Bikki. Please, come in.”

“Save your snake oil for the poor folk you rob, Carver,” she said, waving her hand in his face dismissively as she strode in like she owned the place. If things had gone right she would have, but that was just how business went sometimes. “I’m here, so where’s my money.”

The barely restrained rage on the merchant’s face had her gleefully giggling on the inside. She had played along and come to his home turf where he thought he had the upper hand because of whatever promise he had made to Melvin. That he had to pretend she still had the upper hand when he was so certain that she did not clearly made him agitated. That was one of her favorite parts of the game, honestly. What she did not enjoy, however, was waiting, and it was clear he was going to drag it out.

“Come now, Miss Bikki, surely I can offer you a drink or perhaps some biscuits?” he wheedled while Melvin moved to stand behind her. “They are fresh from The Bismarck.”

“You can offer all you like, but unless it has anything to do with you fulfilling your contract I am not going to care,” she replied as she inspected her nails and pretended not to hear Melvin cough.

“I...see. A pity. They’re quite delicious you know. But about your payment…”

His pause was telling and a telltale shuffle at her right was all the warning she had before Melvin made his move. Fortunately she was faster than the lumbering highlander--that had been another factor in hiring him--and she was out of the chair before he could catch hold of her. She ignored his cry of dismay and the subsequent thump as he presumably fell over the chair as she ran right for Carver. The oily merchant actually squealed in alarm and she silenced him with a punch to the jaw. She was not the strongest person by any means, but she knew the shock of it being her punch would send him toppling.

“All you had to do was give me the money, Carver,” she said as she kicked him in the ribs, making sure to “accidentally” catch him with the pointed heel of her boot. “You would still have your “medicines” to sell and doing it out of a shack would lend you some actual authenticity.”

“You bitch, I’ll tear your throat out! Melvin! Be useful, you idiot, unless you don’t want to be paid!”

Bikki spared enough time to deliver another swift kick to the fallen merchant, this time to his face, before she took off for the door. She tossed what furniture she could as she went--a lovely glass oil lamp from Ul’dah, a small side table, and some books for good measure--all the while letting Melvin close in. Once he was close enough that he could brush the tip of her tail, she immediately veered right which sent him running straight into the solid wood door. Tipping over a shelf that was nearby onto the fallen hireling, she smiled sweetly at Carver who had finally managed to get to his knees.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Carver. Especially not to me.”

Having no other option left, she quickly moved to the nearest window and saw herself out, promptly shutting it to muffle Carver’s screams of anger. She had little time to make her next move, so she reached into the hidden pocket of her dress and produced a wand. Rods had the ability to hold larger foci which made destructive spells that much more powerful, but wands were so much more easily concealed. Besides, Carver’s personal aesthetics had him eschewing Limsa Lominsa’s stone aesthetics for the woods of the Shroud he had been run out of for his business practices and all she needed was a touch of fire to set the place ablaze.

She could hear Carver’s screams of rage and fear from inside, and a thought occurred to her that had her stalking around the side of the house wand still in hand. Every window she came across was promptly covered in ice. Oh, it would melt eventually, once the fire got hot enough, but by that time the smoke or heat would have done both men in. As she pocketed the wand, she felt a pang of remorse for Melvin but as quick as it came she dismissed it. She had learned long ago to never give second chances. Her mother’s corpse had taught that lesson well.

As the sea wind blew in, the fire began to spread rapidly and Bikki allowed herself a small smile before she began to scream. Being so close to the poorer district meant that the scuffle inside had been ignored by anyone that happened to be home, but as she screamed and called out ‘Fire! Fire!’ more people began to emerge. She summoned tears to her eyes and her hair and clothing were already mussed from her fleeing Melvin so anyone, even the most shrewd Yellowjacket, coming upon her would assume her panic was real. Brix would approve the acting, that was certain.

The roaring heat of the fire sent her and all newly gathered watchers back and she knew her work was done. When she was finally able to go back home, after being coddled, consoled, and questioned, she would have herself a glass of wine and look over her newly acquired assets. She wondered if Carver had actually read the contract to know that even death would not get him out of paying what he owed or if he had just assumed she would not have the guts to ever kill him? In the end it did not matter because like all who had come before him Carver had paid his debts--and, like some of his fellow debtors, he had learned why she was called Blacktongue--and all Bikki had lost was an easily replaceable worker.

#FFxivWrite2018 #Limsa Lominsa #Bikki Blacktongue #FFXIV #she's a loan shark y'all #not pictured: her losing her lunch later because using too much magic makes her sick #the price of power man

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throwingideasatthewall · 3 years

Text

Clone Wars Episode 19

Storm over Ryloth

Inter- sting

I know (how ) this likely means ‘storm’ as into breach or, to take by force

But I can’t help thinking about space weather

It’s so fricking cool

But getting into the story;

[Quote; It is a rough road ahead, leads to the height of greatness

I’ve spoken about this before; You don’t need suffering or conflict to be great (Or to write a good story)

Productivity (and happiness) doesn’t require suffering

Someone might heck you over but that’s just a momentary inconvenience

When you’re chasing (and doing) your dream

And it won’t really matter after you’re done dealing with it

And in light of your actual goal

Now continuing on;

Droid army

I like how it’s “subjected,”

Like you know the adults can get out of this at any time

Same brain, Same abilities (Yes) Same in- tell-I gence

(Same Ability (To escape)

And are assholes if they dragged children into this

(Enablers if they didn’t (Directly)

Starving

Again, Fixable

Also, one blockade Screws You Over?

You can’t like self sustain

On your own planet?

That’s.. kinda cringe ,bro

Evil

Is anyone not in this circumstance?

Like not the children obviously...

Watt-ton-boar

Interesting

Name

Also please be more nuanced and put in more Thought than the colonizers episode

Please

(My head can’t stand that headache.)

.. .

“Iron fist,”

Well he is made out of iron

(Or at least a metal suit,)

Senate

Oh Palpatine cares!

(I know not really but run with me on this)

Grand army of the Republic

Mount a bold - offensive

Again the escalation of this goes from 10 to 1

It’sa amazing

Like last episode was biological warfare

(Now it’s a grand army)

And it’s just off the chart how this conflict works

Going from stabbing each other To throwing more paper airplanes at each other

(None of it done seriously)

And without any consideration to how terrifying that is with children... involved

Like it’s their game but their actual living nightmare That... they’ll be left to clean up, if it doesn’t kill them first

That’s terr- -fying

Also this is one planet (System?)

(But you showed...

Ergh

In- Consistent-ly

Asoka is already glaring

And more focus on her

Than Anakin

Aight

Really focusing on Ahsoka there movie

Anakin gets shifted by the holograms

Obi-wan’s Ground Assault

Seriously it’s one planet

Big Planet

Big Station-

Oh I thought Obi-Wan - was flirting with the villains again

Never mind it’s just some random Sergeant

(Good for him)

And like the Titanic he’s fecking jinxing it

“Un- destructible” Yeah I know a few people that said that

Tragic irony, get ‘em

Okay

Dude has mood lighting

Knows the Republic is going to attack

Let’s get the shitshow on the road

(The battle that’s likely going to unfold, not the story,)

Surprise

In-teresting

so good

so far

You

Re-public

Invade

Good for him

Get-ting assigned an important mi-ssion

Good

Into the Blue!

(Here we go)

Aight

Let’s See

Okay

Lots of build up for the admiral

Aight

Hey the clone actually talk to him in an accurate show of decent accountability

Good Job

I like the Admiral when he’s not micromanaging stuff

He looks practically adorable

- with his little mustache...

“Prepare for battle,”

Never mind it was ruined by logic that they should always be ready for battle

They are on a war ship after all

-still a nice moment

Raise the shields

- Fair order

Aight, two more

This... is Anakin’s command after all

Aight

Right

Okay

Good for them.

Okay

Ahsoka gets a starfighter Why?

Commanding a squadron

Wait they gave her a squadron?

I thought-

The character is a Mary Sue

There

DONE

[either that or Yoda’s an idiot]

Or, Anakin an unaccountable bastard

[They’re both un-accountable]

“Idiot,” is just short for an unaccountable at this point

[I can’t stand to correct it every time]

Any-way

Let’s make a good impression

That was almost a good child-like impression

Still a bit too much emotion and not stunted enough

But fine...

As is...

—-

“ of course I’m not nervous,”

Never- mind there it went with all the goodwill towards the character

- Who shouldn’t be capable of nervousness

Shit show on the road

[”Snips,”

First Command

Nervous

All the things wrong with that conversation with a child

Good Job

Every-one

Abom ination

De-pend- ing

Child soldier ...

Lives? Who put the child soldier in charge,

Also Bull Shit Adults

Pressure Off

Whatever ..... Handle It

Aight

And...

Great

Back

Force be with you

Made the presence of self (which you can’t have because you’re a child) Be with You

“I won’t let you down”

Child.

Soldier.

Hope

Aight

[Mary Sue,]

Okay

]

It’s... rolling out

Kick- Back .... Knows Some Non -Sense Is going- down - He’s likely going to die

Being the only person that sees something wrong with the whole “child soldier,” Leader -ing thing ... Aight

‘Mother Bird,’?

Please tell me that isn’t Ahsoka‘s nickname?

Couldn’t it have been anything else?

[i’m aware “mother,” Generally Refers To Base Or Lead -ing - Ship - Just that we see plenty of other names - For the lead ship - That would’ve been less - - - Dis - turb -ing

(It’s a nitpick but one that I will carry to my grave)

(She’s a hec’kin Child!)

I am a little bit fumed

At them never writing her like one

And still trying to take any credit for good writing

.....

Shows on the roll

Aight

..Those Do... ... Kinda. look like vultures .. Maybe wrong ship ... IDk .. Okay There They Go .. Aight ... There They Go ... Perfect time to get your Padawan involved ... Back with this guy..

“Lau-,”

Okay when I originally heard this (I paused it) I thought he was saying “lunch” To show his decadence or lack of care,

What he’s actually saying is a “Launch,”

Still good

(A (relatively) smart move)

Just a funny anecdote

Okay

Again what is with the mood ... lighting?

(On his hat?)

Okay .... Right,

Whelp

They’re screwed

(Way to send the inexperienced Padawan first dickhead,”)

Also; where the heck is Obi-Wan?

Like I normally never usually complain because they never hold him responsible and treat him like a kicked puppy

( “In this nonsense ‘adults are the savior of everything, leading down, other adults, capable of initiative, the Glorious path Of stag -nation

And ooh, Obi-wan is the victim!

Saving his previous grooming victim from the evil of not stagnation (And being even the tin-iest bit upset about that whole grooming set up!

(Never mind Accountability [Shutter])

I see them doing it

I’m just giving the writers the benefit of the doubt that that’s not what they’re going with

(Until I’m certain that’s the narrative)

Anyway, Yeah, they mentioned him like five minutes ago

We haven’t seen him since Or ever

Switching over to Anakin‘s Admiral

When it’s supposed to be Obi-Wan’s mission ...

For his attack it’s surprisingly empty

Then again when has he ever focused and done what he was supposed to do

[Man is a dumpster fire]

[And yeah he has another child soldier to train so he’s probably busy with that]

- Last episode snark

He really can’t restrain himself to one

[ Anakin’s old news now...]

.....

Okay, I’ll stop the jokes now

Back to this episode;

Fleet is ready?? !!

You’re all clear

For What?

Dying?

There’s a million ships heading right for her

She’s going to be destroyed...

“Softened them up,”

A child dies when an adult wants them to die

There is no way she makes this

R7 —- Ready —- Action —-

What-ever

My brains already going numb?

This is going to be an ‘Asoka’ focused episode, isn’t it?

Argh

[i’m starting to wish I read the pre-views

(Or the title description)

Note; you’re going to hear a lot of a ““Uhmms,” “Uh-hahs,”, and ”what- Evers,”

As my brain shuts down to make way for the authors favorite Mary Sue

...

Boss

Arghghhhhh

God help me

Ahsoka should be dead

Ahsoka should be....

Movie, you do you know how children work

Children... Can’t survive An Adult wanting them dead

Those are bots programmed to kill every man woman and child

Ahsoka, should be dead

What really bothers me-

It’s the fact the child soldiers is something that you have to do carefully

You have to think through it

There’s not brawns because children don’t have the brawns to win that fight

Nor anything else

The adult has to let them win

(Or let them live at least)

Which goes well with a story about a narcissist. playing both sides

If the narrative (didn’t) what are used to hold the scene with culpable

The tension should come from the fact That Asoka isn’t aware of the danger she’s in

Completely unaccountable for her situation

And would be unaware up to the death

That is the tragedy of child soldiers

(They are by very definition glass tanks)

Fodder Of ...... Amorality

If you want to write an adult, write an adult

Don’t push these backwards morals

Write responsibly ........ Accountable for the ideas you bring into the world ... Ahsoka the unchildlike Narc

(That thing is not a child; I will be addressing it as the quasi-adult abomination it acts to be Showing how the actions (at least) Work better with the adult

While still holding its culpable for writing a bad character (Child) (Un-real -istic-)

[also they’re leading into a Patroclus like twist]

I don’t care

Here we see Ahsoka, taking the blame for some-thing an older (Enabler) Generation Did, Taking the heat [for the blame]

And by the energy the enabler (toxin instigat -or has gained, by the Ena-bling

That’s what I would say if the story actually took it self properly, and didn’t write Ahsoka poorly

- additionally with Anakin’s emotions of guilt (for enabling) addressed

[Alt ernatively]

Child;

This represents the complete power Adults [Enabling- over involved- generation breakers] hold over the naïve and defenseless, And how enablers care about their games more than for any concern about the well-being of others]

However that’s not what Happens;

Ahsoka, the abomination culpable to neither odds or groups, Makes it through

OY, Writers, Plot armor only applies to adults,

For children it’s unrealistic and bad writing

Because while adult humans maybe space orcs

Babies are... Not

They die when they are killed

While an adult can survive so long as they know what they’re getting into

Okay. everyone except Ahsoka

Who should be dead

.......

Clone enables ...... Okay ... Whatever ..... There is .. Oh yeah when they’re right on top of you .. That’s the right time to call for reinforcements .. Not like they were arrive - just in time to see you get blown up - Good idea .. Smart guy

[Also Anakin lent Asoka his ship so she can be Patroclus-ed did I mention that?

And how stupid it is?

[The characters I mean] . . Alright . .. There we go .. Right ... Whelp ..... Four enemy cruisers

So she’s

Totally

Dead Now Right .... Warn those fighters

Why

Does Anakin looks so pissed off at everything?

Also like not going to pull the child soldier at any time?

Caught

“You’re over reacting Admiral.”

Do you know those fanfiction’s where it states that someone has a problem but he’s never brought up in any meaningful way?

Just there .... . To make her seem quirky and relatable?

With a child character acting way beyond her age? (Or his’ having been no stranger for calling Anakin out for his shenanigans; even though Ahsoka is the most oblique case]

As a child they shouldn’t have any preferences besides eating and sleeping on un-interrupted

As an adult that would be a good study of how assumed authority and toxic behavior (Such as enabling) leads to a worser quality life (Ahsoka’s preferences and dislikes; no longer a concern,)

With the feeling of instability toxic peers bring

(Small goal; why cutting toxic peers, out of our life, and society, is a good idea, a necessary to prevent society from becoming an unstable mess)

However here it is nothing due to the story’s refusal to commit

And instead creating a non-human abomination of a main character, that sucks all the tension and stakes from the story like an on branded Mary Sue straight from Fanfiction

I hope the writers are proud to know they wrote such an abomination of a character

That it ruins any semi-decent plot they have written

And their decision to irresponsibly inflicted on the world are not unnoted

Though I do hope to forget this character as soon as possible

And that it’s existence will be lost to time and space

And not inflicted on the future generations

(And hopefully not many more people from this generation either*)

Or the older brother* generation

* Specifically

With that we are 19:17 minutes in (From finishing)

“Blue leader”

Do you think I won’t be done with a premise* so early on

*Episode

But the premise was already such a bad one

And the characters so badly miss handled

Which is a shame because I actually look forward to an episode of this premise

Heck they were redeemed Jar-jar Binks, you’d have to figure an episode with Ahsoka being redeemed was waiting right around the corner

However this is clearly not it

Well I hold out hope that the writers will eventually practice accountablity when writing Ahsoka’s character

That light is getting shorter and shorter

(It doesn’t excuse all the mediocre episodes or episodes turned mediocre by the lack of acc- oun tability

In her writing)

Con- tin- Uing On

“Admiral attempts to order a Jedi,”

I don’t think he has the authority to do that

Movie did you just break your own rule of command?

For a stupid trope?

Show how “bad ass” your Mary Sue Character is?

Argh

Also Anakin’s just a dip shit

(An Unaccountable dip shit)

Who en-dangered a child’s life on his own volition Like he’s already Darth Vader to me

No need to put on the mask

Just start playing the theme

(Not charming)

(Will never be)

Okay ..... There should be no question about that

(Unless it’s trying to insinuate Obi-Wan as a secondary groomer

Or the Chancellor’s second victim)

But seeing as the writers practice the accountability of a squirrel

Probably not...

.....

Heck off

Un child like abomination

Whelp

But the (un) child-like abomination is getting people killed

When by all the realism she should be the one dying

........

Writers ....

Not cool

“Our lines,”

You sent one group out there

We’ve seen you do literally nothing else ....

[this doesn’t make Asoka look cool, this makes everyone else look stupid

[Un-accountable]

[and I know what they are going with the survived beyond all odds when no one else can nonsense,”

No, movie

Just... No

[so many critical (mis)understandings (intentional mis-carrying), that drives this story into extinction

“Alright, alright,”

She only comes back when she’s needed more!

Fuck off...

Movie

That character got someone killed...

And has had enough sentience to understand the consequences of her actions

[and the system she enables]

And the concept of death

[Fair enough that dude could’ve saved himself]

But Ahsoka assumed authority and fucked it up Well enough Herself

No innocence in that

Retreating

Dude is ready to die [and while I don’t actually respect to or encourage that]

You kind of have to respect*/laugh At his commitment to his toxic job

Aight, Mate

Orders

That I pick and choose

And should’ve followed without a second thought if I was an actual child

Abomin -ation

Well

what

hope that was good

Oh he was actually doing some thing

That would’ve been nice to see when he uttered the “We’re out-numbered,“ Line

“Intensify deflector shields”

How?!

There’s too many

[really setting up the odds for Ahsoka to be the Big Damn hero [Un-realistic -ally]

Aren’t you ,movie

Aight

Fighter Squad

Bull-shit

Also isn’t it supposed to be the whole damn army?

Like, where is their enforcement is my question

Because it should be like baseball bat to glove

With them out numbering those guys 1 to 10

So what is up?

And also where is Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Y’know

The guy

this mission is actually supposed to be about

Seriously, that’s becoming a littered detail

Alright, okay

ARGGH

Dear God

She just said “cool your jets,”

To the fuckin Admiral

Are you trying to DIE

Child?

That’s an adult

They can

(And might)

Try to kill you!

WTF

We’re at 18:03

And already having this many problems with the story

Like even an essay on why this character doesn’t work

Hasn’t done much to sustain me

Through This Bull

Too late!

What.......?

What-

Happ -ened

Sky- Walker..

Okay

Just- Okay movie

You- don’t get any reaction beyond that

And.. the ship’s down

You know if this is in any other situation

With actual good characters

And set up

That might’ve been a bit actually tear jerking

As Ahsoka is forced to reckon with the fact of what the toxic behavior has done to her friends and family

And even as enablers - of a terrible military complex -( of toxic behaviors) you can’t help but feel - despite this being on making up their own creation - that it’s still too cruel for a human being (or sentient) and that accountability will be a blessing for them, where their hurt to themselves and everyone around them will be lesser

But that isn’t the case

Because Ahsoka

And toaster

Hang on Admiral

Fuck’in Jedi -under breath

Like seriously Comms guy here gets lot of our beef

But he seriously gets put through a whole fecking lot this episode

Like yeah he could stop this at any time

But He Doesn’t

And as noted above, It’s like dude you could be doing better for yourself...

You deserve better

Human reaction

Just Ouch

Out of Here

Fighters

Like yeah let me just try and contain the inhumane abomination of nature Sure, sir Right after- [Ship shaking]

I get these fires contained

[Feckin’ Jedi]

Well shit got more wrecked

Return

Oh shit yeah I fucked that up

Oh, Right

Few seconds

Why are you riding this guy’s tailplate?

Retreat

Whelp

Why?

Also, this is just like one fleet

I thought this was supposed to be like a multi facet thing

Like it said that the whole entire army

And we’re dealing with is extremely small slice of the pie

(Like not even supposed to be part of the pie As Asoka is a Jedi in training,”

We didn’t even see what Anakin and the Admiral are doing otherwise

Seriously all their hopes...

On a “teenager”

Who should be uncapable of intuition (Or initiative)

And Yoda (and surprisingly* every one else) Signed off on this

*Presumably * Nothing is surprising about A bunch of child groomers Agree- Ing to throw -ing A child into danger

That’s ex -pected

Smart Guy

Given that we literally haven’t seen any other bit of the Army

Ahsoka meant that she’s going to invade the enemy ship didn’t she?

Like it was cut so we couldn’t see the direction

The way she said that other clone’s name

I’m sus.

Good job

If you do your job well enough No one can beat it with half-ass ery

Okay

Failing?

Since when?

Anyone that got hit died!

How?

Stay with me

In this surprisingly stupid attempt

... ....

Aight,

He’s Dead

Good job everyone involved

“Axe,”

Apparently the only one that survived (Almost)

Also, Ahsoka how does it feel to have enabled that behavior?

Because you played a part

Skipping over the part that that was her fault?

And the consequences of enabling extremely toxic actions?

Like that person’s dead

Might not have been dead if everyone didn’t enable this

Like there was a part there

Close up the hangar doors

Why?

Also, That’s your reaction, To seeing all this shit

We’re home

That’s a bit better

Could’ve use a bit more conflict Over her role Eyes widening and shifting in horror Actually shocked

And expressing the full emotions of an adult

(If that is what we’re going for)

Okay, Alright

Also, someone survived?

Why?

Didn’t

He-

(Guess he only survived out of his own initiative)

And was just very done

Alright

Okay

Sucks

Hey- “jump to lightspeed”

Aniken- actually did some thing in this whole episode

Well,

Hope the other traids of this multi-facet -Ed

Invasion

Also, how is one ship not on fire?

Bull shit that’s Anakin’s

His ship... was on fire

Hold your characters accountable For the situations they caused

Now I’m going to assume Anakin and Ahsoka have the standard clichéd ‘You should’ve listen to orders/ I do what I want,” or Anakin comforts the un-child-like abomination for consciously Enabl -ing Bad Behaviors, As An Adult, As that the only situation that conversation would happen

(The narrative refusing to hold her accountable)

With a child it would just be an over involved adult comforting their own orders That and only that

Himself and only himself

Because children do not require comforting if you do not put them in distressful situations

“Sorry” Doesn’t quite cover it

Head Count

Aight

Can’t make me feel bad drama queen

Stop bothering the tech guys and get off

“Dis-appointed,”

She’s capable of making her own decisions

She’s either one an un child like abomination Or an adult Who should be how to accountability for repeated tox

Anakin held accountable (For enabling)

The second he hits an accountable adult

Point being they’re both in the wrong

And if movie is trying to paint one of them as a more or less innocent (Accountable) Movie is wrong

(You can be more or less toxic than someone, But after rule of five; you’re both equally accountable (Aka, should be held accountable)

(Equally irredeemable)

(By audience)

(Different People)

Point being; they’re both toxic

And I wish the writers would stop treating Ahsoka as deserving of any of the inn -ocence Un-account -ability

Of a child

When she doesn’t act, talk or have any say to it besides in name

Story telling us

Then contradicting by showing us what is almost the exact opposite (Quasi-)

Wanting to give Ahsoka of the responsibilities, (and dialogue) of an adult

But the subjective accountability Of nothing

Same with the tone

Creating a wholly Inhumane Character

With the loss of any sympathy as consequence

It sucks

[Too much emotions]

Like an un childlike abomination

Children shouldn’t have initiative!

Nothing

Obi-wan

Yeah- where the FECK is Obi-Wan?

He was mentioned at the beginning

That’s it

We haven’t heard (or seen) lip of the guy

Until now

“ I know you meant well snips,”

No she didn’t

If she’s capable of initiative, She knows she’s enabling the military complex

Fuck off with your subjective accountability movie

You can’t make me sympathize with a war enabler

(One doing it completely of her own sentience)

You get in that corner with your own (un) accountability

And stop focusing on this moment like there’s anything interesting or we’re supposed to sympathize with these characters

Without adjusting the lighting or showing any sign that you’re (assuming acc ounta bility For dis- play ing An enabling conversation And not normalizing a bad situation (Which should not be taken lightly)

Bigger Picture .... That You’re Not Aware Of

Assuming a sentient being is uncapable of understanding your logic

Tox

First rule of war

Don’t do war

It’s unaccountable

“Listen and obey your superiors,”

Yep there’s that assumed authority

Also she spent her whole life being groomed for this

There’s no doubt in my mind that she knows

That was malicious disobedience

(Something uncapable of children

“But sometimes you get carried away,”

Yeah he’s an adult he does it maliciously

You’re supposed to be a child But you’re capable of malacian

But the story refuses to hold (both you and him) Accountable For multiple acts of deliberate tox

And por -tray this conversation, As between two tox individuals Debating which one of them is more tox, with no stakes

To put it shortly, The story has commitment issues (And Severe characterization issues) That causes of the story to be unstable and flounder

(As it deserves)

“ understand what you’re going through,”

Being an enabler?

(To this un -childlike abomination’s toxs?)

No one is innocent in this scenario, movie

You better get it right

....

“ that I failed,”

Yeah you specifically screwed that up

....

“it wasn’t your fault,”

Hold up, hold up, hold up

(You put that soft music back where it belongs

Movie!

That was completely her fault!

(Enabling be damned)

“So many of my pilots,”

Put that light music away

Play something heavier

She’s the villain of the story

Now

This is disturbing

Not cute

Anyway...

“that’s the reality of command,”

That’s the reality of being toxic

“General we’re approaching our staging area,”

This is the circumstance you allow Skywalker

“Very Good Captain,”

Continue enabling The military complex Anakin

It’ll pay off one day (No; it won’t)

“ Master Windu,”

Seriously first time hearing (Never mind Seeing) Windu; This entire time;

“Progress,”

Oh so Ahsoka did fuck up the plan

Big Whoop

No surprises there

Mary Sue’s breaking the rules and getting no consequences is pretty on par

“Our progress ,huh,”

Hey you actually nearly had some bitterness appropriate for the situation!

Almost a good job writers!

“ we haven’t made any progress yet,”

Yep both a group of feck ups in a group of enablers

Great- situation that is

“No, Rex,”

Rex is half a Narc

Still an enabler

But he gives some care

(Still bad)

(And tox.)

(Myself)

Movie!

Put that sad music back where it belongs so help me

Screw that

Un-deserved-

You cannot make me feel bad for the enablers-

You shouldn’t be damn trying!

On the damn line, this movie is

Okay

....

She made this hole

Like good for her for taking some basic self accoun- tability and getting (temporary) away from his toxicity

That was almost an appropriate emotion

Okay, Whatever

Ahsoka’s going to do something reckless and stupid (Un- Acc oun Table) To “Prove” Herself, Do the same exact thing, That got her reprimanded, And be rewarded

,isn’t she?

....

Jedi Crashed

One very small piece

Of one facet

That shouldn’t exist

Did

And they had no back up plan

Besides the child soldier

(That acts like nothing like a child)

That’s something really to brag about

More so to shout “what the heck is that thing?!!”

At the clearly on unchild “child”

Yoda, And Plo, Have some explaining to do

Over where they found such a child

(A lab?)

It’s always on my mind that no one screaming about how fecked up it is that a “child” is capable of initiative

In every scene No one’s screaming, ‘You’re like 13! How are you capable of anything besides following orders??”

That’s how the clone facility got shut down

*gets

There’s some things even they won’t touch .....

Aight ... This dude bragging .... Okay

What-ever .... Blockade

Al right

Remember this is just the blockade

There’s a whole slave colony (Or whatever)

That we still haven’t got to

(Nor Obi-Wan‘s arrival)

How long is this thing?

Con-gratulations

But do not underestimate the Jedi

‘Except Obi-Wan underestimate that bitch all day, He still won’t do shit!

[Hasn’t even shown up!]

Seriously...

Commander bring me the data on general skywalker,

I know this is working up a ‘don’t underestimate the young,’ But babies?

Underestimate that all day they’re still Help-less

(As Ahsoka should be)

Yeah you shouldn’t underestimate the younger generation, Because you shouldn’t heck with the future at all!

The tragedy of child soldiers (And abused children) Is that there is no instant karma

Only Capable After The 22 Mark.

Writing your character an un child like abomination Isn’t clever movie

It’s un acc Ount Able

(And Terrible)

Asoka should be a worse version of general Kenobi/ Skywalker Due to having the orders But none of the initiative .. Of an adult ....

Aight

Okay

Surprise

No Asoka almost systematically Screwed up your unaccountable plan Relying completely on her

How this conversation should go;

So, the plan revolving around the child soldier went horribly

Ob; “wouldn’t have guessed,”

A; Yeah, I suppose...

[Angry bick -ering and Snark -ing comm ences]

While Ahsoka sits by blankly, awaiting an order [Be-cause Child]

[End]

....

What actually happens;

Aniken lies and says they were “out numbered”, [didn’t even try]

Sent out like one teem

[To our knowledge]

Cruiser

Wait, what?

When did this happen? We didn’t see that!

Everyone made it to the safety of hyper space

[Last I checked]

Except for Ahsoka’s team!

And I’m no expert on ships

[i’ve gotten the Separtists And Republic ships confused more times than I can count]

But Ahsoka’s team was the only ship we saw go down

And there was definitely more than one of those...

So like...

Show don’t tell movie

Plus an entire squadron of fighters

PLUS!

Dude I’d rather see the ship go down!

Seriously?!

What the heck happened there!

What the Heck!

That’s an important detail!

You could’ve use that as contrast!

Or to show that Anaken was further along in enabling!

- ——-

!!! !

And your Padawan

And your Padawan what...

What part of the plan are you aware of that we’re not?

(Because apparently a cruiser went down!)

So clearly some nonsense happened that we didn’t see!

Also, wait what happened to Comms guy?

That is prime guilt trip material!

Knowing the consequences of enabling bad behavior! (Toxic behavior!)

Seriously...

What?

Ahsoka’s fine

The authority assumer’s fine

Yippee!

I was so con cerned

About the childlike abomination that it doesn’t seem able to die

“Hard,”

HAHAHA

Are you kidding?

She was more concerned with her failure then the fact That those guys died!

She treated them like skill points more than actual people!

“ give her time,”

Give her time to get over it and enable more people in danger!

- Advice with Obi- Won-

“ you will need her help-”

Th-

The CHILD soldier’s ?

WTF

Not Cool!

Through This

“I know,”

I know child soldiers are the new in!

Also, wow. Even when she’s not in the scene, the universe bends to talk about her and give her props Sign 1; that you’re writing a Mary Sue

Seriously, You didn’t bother to put this character through like a Mary Sue checklist?

(Or did you use that as writing guidelines?

For This Character?

I’m getting really heated..

I’m just going to blank my mind for a bit

And maybe skip past these scenes

[because there was just nothing with redeemable about These Characters Or This Plot]

Thank you Windu for not focusing on Ahsoka..

Postpone The...

Urgh

[it’s not worth it It’s a badly done “Child screws up one thing (And the entire world) and must overcome your measurable odds (completely unrealistically) to Atone,”

It is literally the candy bar of plots

The most unhealthy .... And unappealing (Sorry to candy, It Has some thing over these plots)

If I stop at anything that makes me angry, I’m going to be here all day, [For Years!] - Switching into summary mode .... Meaning that the commentary won’t be immediate .....

And will be more like when there’s a Tumblr refresh Without The Brackets...

Not even worthy of the, “Uhms,” “Oh yeah, and “That’s great,” I usually start falling into about this point

.....

[Oh my god....

No, Just No

[Everyone is tox, Ashoka is an adult, tries to assume some accountability and leave, Anakin guilt trip her into it [she’s an adult so she didn’t have to go with it] but still, the Clones show the tiniest bit of Accountability, the Admiral showed reasonable hesitance, confirms And enables Ahsoka’s Un-accoun tability]

And the story ends up as clichéd and [even worse] broken as I predicted, going full Mary Sue, having Ahsoka take the helm at the rip age of 13 [Acting on Quasi-22] having the basic decency not to blow my ears out with a happy theme but it’s still appears nauseatingly constant in the background, despite none of this being deserving, staying enough under the radar, near “fiercely annoying,” instead of “actively harmful” And Dis gus ting

Like it’s predecessors saving it from a strike

But not from being a terrible episode

[Worthy of being forgotten,]

Ahsoka; the tales of being a Mary Sue?

Skip It

Which is a shame

because This character could be so much better

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