#Maybe hope that the cries of a scared highschooler will change someone's mind. I don't know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hollowwish · 3 months

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I don't really like. Politics post much but I wanna say something. Because the 2020 election was bad. This year is already worse and it's only March

As a queer trans american (who lives in the south, no less, and has to hear the dumbest anti biden propaganda you've ever heard) a republican getting in office is actually doomsday for me. I'm literally horrified of it. It gives me horrible anxiety for days on end and makes me feel physically sick. And if it happens I will not be able to leave immediately like I would want to.

The republicans want to kill me and i have known this since I was thirteen years old and i have just had to live with it. I have to just live with the thought as long as I'm in america. They want to kill me and all my queer friends and every other minority group they hate, they already took away abortion they have already started. And they are going to if we put them in office. Please please god do not let them put Trump in office again. I do not care who is in there, anyone but a republican. I will take almost anyone else but them.

Its to the point where I don't really care that a bunch of swfities are apparently voting democrat because Taylor said so. Yeah that's fucking insane but also it keeps literally the most evil man in this country out of office. Beggars can't be choosers I suppose.

Everyone around me is so sure of a Trump victory. They want him to fix the gas prices and things like that. People I thought were my friends really truly do not care what anti lgbt laws or whatever other horrible law they would make, as long as their personal problems get fixed. And I'm really really hoping that's not the case and that his victory is not already assured because I do not know what would happen and I am scared.

Please don't put him back in office. Just. Please. It's all I ask.

#ren posting #politics #I don't know why I'm posting this really #Because I'm scared. To vent. To get the anxiety and the shakes out #Maybe hope that the cries of a scared highschooler will change someone's mind. I don't know #Anyone but him please #us elections #I don't know what else to tag and I don't really care #Just gonna forget I made this post and move on with my night I think

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realmeisstuff · 4 years

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This is me, but who am I?

For 24 years, I've lived to please others, follow certain standards and meet people's expectations. It made me a very calculated and uptight person. I go by the rules and plan is always a must.

I've listened too much to other people, especially my parents, and now I realize that I haven't really lived for myself. I don't really know who I am.

This pandemic made me reflect on so many things especially to those I've hidden deep within my heart. And today, I wanted to listen to myself and express the things I haven't said before.

Growing up, people tell my mom that I was boyish, and she tried all ways to change me into someone feminine. I don't blame her though, she was just doing what she think is right for me.

During my elementary days, I first had a huge crush on my sister's classmate, and she's a girl, when my mom found out, she told me that it was just an admiration, because she's pretty, and I believed her like I always do.

2 years later, I also had a crush on a boy during third grade, and my mom was so proud of me for finally liking a boy.

During fifth grade, we transferred to the province, and there I met a guy who became my biggest crush in elementary, but I never did anything for him to notice me.

In sixth grade, I met a girl, she was a transfer student from Singapore. At first, she was very shy, but when we finally had a chance to talk, we became close immediately. She's very beautiful, so almost all the guys wanted to date her.

When she became friendly with almost everyone, I started feeling jealous. And maybe that's why I pretended to be my cousin, and texted her as if I was a boy. I also gave her letters using special stationary, until she finally decided that she wanted me to be her boyfriend, but on one condition, I have to see her first.

I panicked, because it meant that I had to tell her the truth. I came up with reasons why I cannot meet her, just to delay cutting the special connection that we had.

One day, she saw the stationary, that I used for her letters, inside my bag, and she confronted me if I was "my cousin". I panicked, and told her that my cousin gave it to me, and asked me to tell her that he will go somewhere far, and that they will never be able to communicate again. She had that knowing look in her eyes, maybe she knew that I was lying, but I didn't know why I did the things I did. Our friendship slowly drifted apart ever since that day, and I know that I was the one to blame.

When I was in highschool, I was so focused in academics, because I have to prove my father wrong. All eyes were on me, and during that time I had to be almost perfect.

Highschool was also the time when I've learned about gender identity crisis, but I didn't question myself despite my doubts, because it was also during highschool when I fell for guys.

College came, and that's when I met Ann, one of the first people I met in the university. She's smart, funny and beautiful, we clicked almost immediately. I was able to tell her my life stories, but one of the first memorable things that happened between us was when she cried when she heard about the struggles I had during highschool, and why I ended taking up nursing despite wanting a different course. I wasn't even crying when I told her, but she did.

One time, I brought her to my boarding house, and we spent hours chatting. I didn't know how we ended up talking about me not experiencing my first kiss, and that's when she asked me if I wanted to practice it with her. It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for my heart beating faster, my mind panicking and weird sensations I felt when she said that. I refused her offer, but I could never forget that day.

It was expected that she would have many friends because of her personality, but I wasn't ready for the jealousy that I felt.I started questioning myself if I was attracted to her. I got so confused that jokingly I asked my older sister for advice, but I didn't know that she would tell mom about it.

My mom asked me about it, and again told me the cons of being different from "normal", she's not angry, but I can see the disappointment in her eyes, and the hope that I wouldn't become like that. And I love her so so much that I couldn't bear breaking her heart because of my selfishness, and for these kind of feelings that might never be reciprocated. And so I stayed away from Ann, without telling her why.

After that, I became "normal" again by being attracted to guys and even having a boyfriend. Any doubts in my mind were easily forgotten because of my college life. Although during one of my drunken moments, I asked my lesbian classmate if I should consider being a lesbian (as if it could be chosen), and she told me, "If you have a choice, don't. It's difficult to live this way." That left a mark.

But then 3rd year came, we were required to open up and dig deep within ourselves for our psych rotation. At first, I already decided on what to share, but of course it would be very limited because I don't like sharing things about me. Before my turn, my gay classmate opened up how he came out to his parents and accepted that he's gay. I didn't know why that gave me courage to speak out about the confusion I have ever since.

I was trembling as I told them my story, and my doubts, and how I can't explore, because I might find the confirmation and that it would break my mother's heart. They we're all shocked, because I never showed anything that would make them doubt my preference, and that's how I realize how good I was at hiding myself.

But then, my prof told me that I should seek and find out who I am, but her next advice hurts me a little bit, she said that if possible, she hope that I would prefer a guy, because it's a shame to waste my genes. And all of my groupmates, agreed.

College became tougher, and I was so focused on my ambition that I've disregarded the need to explore and find what relationship I wanted. It was easier to focus on my career, and relationship became unimportant for me. I would rather be single and stay independent.

Many things happened, and I was considering to stay single for life, because I felt that it was easier. Also, it would give me more chance to give back to my parents and give them the life they wanted for me.

I even learned how to ignore the attraction that I've felt towards my senior nurse, until she resigned, and I wouldn't see her anymore.

I felt that I was already happy just being with my family. But then life started to change, I had to move away from home so that I could be closer to my workplace. My sisters got boyfriends, and this pandemic makes me overthink a lot.

I was scared of dying without giving myself a chance to love, and be loved for who I really am. I was scared to lose the opportunity to face my true self.

Who are you Mei? Would you ever experience real love?

#gender identity crisis #coming out #who am i #lgbtq #confused #first post #Spotify

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