#Is it the fucking autism? Making me come across as awkward somehow or something and setting hiring managers off of me?
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Lol nothing like waking up to an email from a job telling me I'm "not fit" for a job I applied to. A job that is literally an entry position in the specific field I studied and got a college degree in.
Like not even like it's in the realm of what I studied. It's literally Exactly What I Studied. My degree is in it. I got my degree to do this. My electives expand on this specific field. I've been continuing to work in and learn more about and integrate into this field after college as a hobby. Like. This is literally what I live and breath.
From a fuckin smaller studio too not like some big major company or massive thing that has their pick of hundreds of skilled people. Like at least fuckin say some HR bullshit like "we are moving in another direction" or something.
Not a fucking fit for the position.
God I really am never gonna get a job beyond some bullshit part time shit that doesn't respect me or my skills and won't pay me enough to live huh.
Fuck me I guess.
#I was really hopeful about this one too#Idk what to do anymore#Like what is it that's making me so unemployable#Is it the fucking autism? Making me come across as awkward somehow or something and setting hiring managers off of me?#Or is the the being trans#Would I fucking get a job if I just#Stopped being trans#Lied to myself and went back in the closet#Pretended to be that person again#God fucking damnit! I've fought so fucking hard just to finally get here#But now there's a fucking chasm. And I don't have a fucking clue how to cross it.#And im doing everything everyone says to do to get across#But im so beat up and bruised from falling so many times. Broken so many bones. I've never made it more than a few feet across the chasm#And i can feel the fray in the tether that keeps me from plummeting to my death. The ridge of the cliffside cutting into it with every fall#One of these times it's gonna break#I'm worried itll be the next try that does it
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You know how often I ask myself, why can't I just be normal? It's quite a lot. I wanna talk about something I've never told anyone before, aside from a few strangers online. I've suppressed this my whole life, since childhood. I've acted with anger towards others with the same thing as me, told them how it's offensive and awful. Refused to allow myself to even think about my own urges and desires. It worked for a long time, until I wrote my book this summer, a fiction story about a couple who end up disabled from their dangerous work as assassins. My intentions were just... to try to give good representation and explore something I knew very little about.
So I did a lot of research into my characters' disabilities, and even briefly pretended to have those specific disabilities at home alone, just to get an idea of what it's like to manage daily life with them. It was just a writer's thing, just being a dedicated writer, I told myself, as I researched those disabilities far more in-depth than I did about assassins...
At one point, I would cover my eye with a makeshift eye patch, as one of my main character's loses an eye, and I... it brought forth what I had suppressed my whole life, and I can't suppress it anymore as a result of that. The bottled feelings have escaped and I can't put them back in again.
I think I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID.) There, I said it.
It's a very rare mental illness that makes you want to become disabled, usually in some very specific way. Most are males, and most desire amputation, but it can pertain to wanting blindness, deafness, or I guess, any conceivable disability. There's only been a few thousand reported cases, but it's also said to be a very secret disorder, so numbers are probably not accurate. It's very poorly researched, poorly understood, and still not recognized as an actual disorder. So you can't be diagnosed with it currently, and there are no set criteria for it. However, it will be in the upcoming ICD-11 (the International Classification of Diseases.) It will then also be re-named to Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID) as it's being recognized as a form of dysphoria, and as a neurological condition.
And now for the obligatory life story:
I don't remember when it started, but as a child, I'd say roughly age 5 or 7, I was obsessed with fictional characters that had a distinct scar over one eye, and either blind in that eye or entirely missing it. I would on occasion play around with a hand covering one eye, and wished I could have that for real. For a long time, I didn't know why I was so obsessed with that. If I was just admiring that kinda physical feature, or wanted it myself, or both. Throughout my teens and adulthood thus far, I've made a lot of drawings of people with only one eye, and scarred faces. I wrote another book back in 2013 with one of the main characters being a woman with a large scar across half her face. I've always been a little too fascinated with facial deformities, having only one eye, and facial assymmetry. And I've tried to express it with assymmetrical makeup looks (not made to look like I'm injured) throughout my teens and 20's.
So it's been with me for a very long time, even though I've tried super hard to suppress it, and tried to tell myself that I should just be happy to have a mostly abled body. But that wish/urge/whatever it is, has never gone away.
When I first heard of BIID, back in 2016 or so, I was angry, and thought of people with it as despicable. I was in deep denial of how much I could relate to them. Didn't want to think of that. But since learning more about the condition, and listening to others who have it, and learning it is actually a real condition... I guess that has helped me eventually come to this point that, well fuck... it me.
Up until recently, I thought it was just a self-harm desire, as I used to be a cutter, but now I understand that the self-harm was not the intention behind what I want with that, but merely the means to achieve it. Kinda like how I wanted to cut my own tits off before I had my double mastectomy. It wasn't about specifically wanting to injure my chest, but to not have tits anymore, and I much preferred the much safer way of doing it, through proper surgery. However, wanting half my face re-arranged is a little bit harder to achieve through elective surgery, even if surgeons were allowed to treat BIID through surgery. So I do not think my desire to get rid of my left eye and surrounding tissues is about wanting to harm myself. It's about wanting to have and live with the result of such an injury. Although I get that might be very unimaginable.
So then, have I ever made any attempts?
Yeah... I have. Once, I think it was when I was 22, I took a blade to my face, but chickened out, and ended up only making a very superficial cut on my cheek, which I was then extremely ashamed of. I didn't want for people to find out I had made it myself. Since then, I've stopped self-harming and have no desire to make a second attempt. I'm scared I'd fuck it up and cause damage I don't want, or... not enough damage. And I'm worried I'd be beyond myself with shame if I would take out my own eye and then other people would show sympathy for my injury, knowing I'd have caused it myself. I just kinda wish it would happen accidentally somehow.
So, to clarify, my BIID targets my left eye and left side of my face. Why left? Honestly because I'm deaf since birth on my left ear, so it would be extremely inconvenient to be deaf on one side and blind on the other. Much more manageable to have one side be blind-deaf and the other fully seeing and hearing. But at first it didn't matter to me so much which side of my face would be affected. I have no desire to become an amputee or fully blind. I also don't have a fetish for disabled people.
Would I date a disabled person?
Yes, but that's because some attractive people just so happen to be disabled, and I wouldn't think I'm particularly judgemental, not that I find their disabilities in and of themselves attractive.
I try to quell this desire, to lose an eye and half my face, by on occasion wearing an eye patch in secrecy. I know it can worsen my vision, but why on Earth would I mind that? It's kinda what I want. But my mom almost caught me wearing it today as she came by for a quick visit, and I have worn it at the grocery store, and out and about in my village. It feels so damn right, yet so fucking wrong...
Let's tackle this question as well: Do I feel like an ass towards disabled people?
Yes and no. Thing is, I'm already disabled myself. I'm not an abled person to begin with. I live on permanent sickness compensation, classified unable to work, for life, with little to no chance at improvement, due to my autism and adhd. I have the energy levels of an old cellphone that drops to 2% battery ten minutes after being fully charged every time. And I hate it. I hate that there's so much in life that I'll probably never be able to do. So disability, is already part of my life, and always has been. So why then would I want to become more disabled, instead of less? Well, yeah that is what I want...
I've faced a shit ton of ableism since childhood, and I actually think that's why I got BIID. Because my actual disability is invisible and not taken seriously in society. And I think that's what I deep down want: to just have my disability be visible and taken seriously. Physical disabilities are taken more seriously. I've even heard that straight from the mouths of people who have both mental and physical disabilities. How often have I not been called lazy for something I've been literally unable to do, just because I "look" capable? How often do I get to hear I "don't seem autistic?" How often do I get told that autism is not even a disability, but merely a personality trait and being socially awkward? How often do I get told I would be able to work if I just tried harder? All. The. Fucking. Time.
I think that's why, ever since I was a child, I've wanted to have a physical disability, which is fully visible, and cannot be ignored. And what's more visible than the face? We interact with it the most. Because I don't really want to be less capable or lose a lot of movement, I just want for my already disabled existence to be visibly disabled.
So that's a big reason for why I think I have BIID. Which is to say, I don't feel like I'm being an ass towards disabled people, because I'm already disabled to begin with, merely wishing I was more disabled and in a more visible way. Had I been abled to begin with, I think that would have been different, but even abled people with BIID don't choose to have this condition. I read a quote from a person with BIID, who got the amputation he wanted, and he said basically that he didn't know what's worse, having BIID or being disabled. I can relate to that. And I think that is the irony here, that simply having BIID is like being disabled in and of itself already.
That said, however, I do understand why disabled people would be greatly offended, angry, or otherwise insulted, by people with BIID. Honestly I cannot understand why they would not be. I'm greatly offended by people who say they wish they were autistic! And I'm offended at myself for wishing I had a facial deformity and only one eye. Why do I want this!? I keep trying to shake sense into myself. It's what's causing my shame and wishing I could just be normal. No disabilities, and no wish for disabilities I don't have. That'd be great.
There is one more aspect I also feel the need to tackle: Transabled.
BIID has recently been rather often labeled as "transabled" in the same vein as "transracial" (wanting to be another race) and transgender. As a transsexual, this comparison is of course something that I have not missed. I'm painfully aware. This is how I see it, alright: Although I do feel like my body integrity dysphoria is incredibly similar to my sex dysphoria, I feel like it would be extremely rude and tone deaf to identify as for example vision impaired, deaf or an amputee, without actually having those disabilities. And I do not know if anyone actually does this. As far as I've seen, some people with BIID may pretend to have the disability they want (like with me walking around with an eye patch despite having no medical need for it) but they don't lie about it, or they try hard to avoid ending up in a situation where they'd feel pressured to lie. So I dunno how much validity there even is in anyone with BIID genuinely identifying as transabled. But regardless of that, I think it's absolutely abhorrent to identify as disabled in ways you are not. And I'd never tell anyone that I'm missing an eye when I do not.
So, I really do not like the term "transabled" and much prefer the BIID and BID terms. I do not like BIID being conflated with being transgender, although I want to very carefully say that the two conditions are so incredibly similar, that... I think that's another big reason I ended up with both. That I've always felt a strong disconnect from my body, which has merely expressed itself in a wide array of ways, ranging from sex dysphoria to body integrity dysphoria, dissociation and even having previously identified as otherkin. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. But then what caused all of that? I don't think there is a simple answer, but a multitude of reasons, and it may even connect with my autism as well as my trauma.
So, I'd say most likely it's caused by a cocktail of neurological and social issues. I was just clearly meant to be a broken person, making the most of my life with the sucky cards I was dealt, and on good days... I guess I'm kinda okay with that. At least it's not boring. Let's end on that not super tragic note.
Feel free to ask me anything, if you’ve got any questions.
#biid#body integrity dysphoria#body integrity identity disorder#finally accepting i probably have this#im not happy about it but it is what it is i guess#ok to rb#transabled#im only adding that tag bcos i know many dont know what the condition is actually called
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FAVORITE SHOWS IN POSTERS
Well, we’re back for another installment of this tagged meme, this time for TV shows! I also stole this from/was indirectly tagged by @jcmorrigan. My taste in shows also differs a bit from my taste in movies, as I tend to like a lot of comedy shows with not as many horror ones. I’m not into shows as much as movies overall, but there are some that I am very passionate about so I picked twenty again. So, here we go for part 2, in order:
1. Avatar: The Last Airbender/The Legend Of Korra (2005-2014)
I'm including these as one show since they take place in the same universe and tell a continuation of the same overall plot. Altogether this is probably the best piece of media to ever exist, including movies. It has so many great characters and villains especially and some of the most epic sequences, charming humor and heartwarming moments ever. I've never met a person who didn't like these shows, even people who normally don't like cartoons. My dad, who is biased against animation? He loved it. My mother? She loved it, watched it with her multiple times. My grandmother? Loved it. My ex-boyfriend? Loved it. My best friend? Loved it. I dare anyone not to, and I'm so glad it's making a resurgence since it's on Netflix for a new generation to enjoy.
2. Black Butler (2008-2014)
I never was big into anime growing up and only really started watching anime when I was like 16 and above, but this is one of the exceptions because holy shit is it ever dark and epic. I'm not sure I'd really recommend it for kids, it's more of a teens and young adults kind of anime and that's probably why it's so good, because it isn't afraid to explore dark and mature topics and do it with all of the intensity and gravitas required to do said topics justice. It has lots of great characters, and the story of demons who make deals with children who have a dark side is fun to watch play out.
3. Seinfeld (1989-1998)
My dad was a huge fan of this show so I watched it growing up since I was a toddler and it became a classic for me. I've watched thw hole show through at least 8 times, and I'll never stop because it never gets old or boring. It's also my only comfort show when I'm having a panic attack because of one time a few years ago when I was having a drug-induced psychosis episode and watching it calmed me down, so now it's like the opposite of a trigger and whenever I'm having an episode or something I watch it to bring me back to reality. For that reason it's more than a show to me, it's a medical treatment and I'm forever grateful to it.
4. The Good Place (2016-2020)
The big four shows made my Michael Schur all made it on this post (The Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Office and Parks And Recreation), either in the main list of the honorable mentions, but this is my personal favorite of the four. It's so funny, quirky, relatable and basically tailor-made to suit my interests. Not only is it an entertaining and wholesome show, but I think watching it helped me come to terms with a lot of things like mortality, ethics, philosophy, religion and my relationships with other people. It gets alot of different viewpoints across and if you're a very analytical and philosophical person like me you'll probably enjoy seeing it all play out. Not to mention, every single character is 'favorite character' material. It's rare you find a show with no filler characters in the main cast, but I genuinely can't choose who is best.
5. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013-?)
Another of Michael Schur's shows, this one is just barely under The Good Place and to be honest it was tough to pick my favorite between the two because they're both equally funny. I know it's kind of controversial right now because of the whole law enforcement thing, but I actually think they do a good job of handling social issues in the show and remaining respectful of real-life systemic problems. As for the characters, this is another one of those shows where every single character is gold and I think that tends to be a trend among Schur's shows in general. He produces damn good comedy, and damn good characters. I can't wait to see what they bring next.
6. Rick And Morty (2013-?)
This is unfortunately one of those cases of 'great show, horrible fandom' and for that reason I don't get involved in the fandom even though I love the show. It's a shame because it really is a great show, so funny and, again, such good characters. I think it's a lot more accessible than the fandom likes to claim, so I'm hoping more people will give it a chance and not get put off by the intellectual elitism of the fandom because it does have some of the most entertaining and batshit crazy episodes ever, poking fun of some of the staples of science fiction in media while also poking fun of itself the whole time. Unlike the fandom, the show doesn't take itself seriously and that's enjoyable nowadays.
7. Orange Is The New Black (2013-2019)
While this show is a comedy, it is also a lot of other things and it's probably made me ugly-cry just as many times as it's made me laugh. Well, maybe not as often, but those few scenes (if you've watched the show then you know the ones I'm talking about) made me hysterically sob hard enough to be worth like fifty minor sads. But I didn't even mind because the show is just that good, and it makes you /feel/ something in a real way. Probably because of just how real it gets in terms of telling stories that happen all the time in the real world, sometimes with inevitably tragic endings. But these things do happen every day, and it's important to shine a light on that. It's not just representation for LGBTQ+ but also for POC, the neurodiverse, the poor, and many more. Give it a watch to broaden your perspective!
8. Big Mouth (2017-?)
This is probably the grossest show I've ever seen but by god is it ever funny. Maybe it's because I have an immature sense of humor or something, but I love this show. It definitely won't be everyone's cup of tea and I don't recommend you watch this show with anyone else around because it will get awkward. I think part of its appeal to me is that everyone I talk to who likes it considers it so relatable to their lives growing up but for someone like me who grew up on the autism and asexual spectrum and who was physically an early-bloomer by years, nothing about this show is relatable to me in any way so it makes it all the more crazy and bizarre watching how the people around me must have experienced things. Did y'all really have these experiences with puberty in middle school???
9. Dexter (2006-2013)
I recently heard that this show is coming back for a reboot soon and I'm so excited because this is my absolute favorite drama/thriller show, as evidenced by the fact that it's the highest one on the list so far that isn't a comedy. I love the idea of having a protagonist who is sort of a villain (or at least morally dubious), and the idea of a serial killer who only kills bad people is particularly satisfying for some reason. Maybe because he's the vigilante we all deserve and want in this unjust and evil world of modern times? Idk but the very premise of this show set it up for big things and aside from the ending I think it delivered consistently.
10. Once Upon A Time (2011-2018)
This show took us on some journeys, and you can't deny that. Sure, maybe it didn't always finish what it started and didn't always end in the most satisfying way, but part of its charm is that you didn't care because the experience was just so much fun. They took characters and stories that have been told to death and somehow managed to put a unique and unexpected twist on them, and that alone is admirable. Good twists, good villains, and pretty much every cliffhanger known to man will keep you hooked on binge-watching every episode.
11. RuPaul's Drag Race (2009-?)
A bit different than the other entries on my list in that it's not fiction but a reality competition show, but I couldn't leave Drag Race out because it's just so fucking iconic and perfect. Even when you disagree with the judges or can't stand a certain contestant you'll still be having a good time. It's got the personalities you love to love, the ones you love to hate, and the comedy that's completely meme-able. I mean just how much has this show contributed to pop culture and the internet? More than most of us, henny. I've watched every single season, even the international ones and all of the spinoffs. This show will probably be on for another thirty years when Ru is throwing shade from a hospital bed and I'll still be watching.
12. House (2004-2012)
Some people hate on this show, and I don't get it. I love House. Yes, he's an ass. That's the point. He's supposed to be unlikeable, and that's why I like him. Maybe because I always love the rude, sarcastic, misanthropic jerkass-genius characters for some reason. And I also love procedural shows, so it's a win-win. I also work in the healthcare field so it appeals to me for that reason too, because obviously the whole premise is outlandish which is what makes it funny. Of course it's not realistic for a hospital, so just enjoy the absurdity and don't get too hung up on the details of medical accuracy and professional ethics and you'll be fine.
13. The Office (2005-2013)
The third of Michael Schur's show and the last one that made the main list (sorry Parks And Rec, I love you too but there was just so many good shows to choose from and I saw you last so the nostalgia isn't as strong!) I don't think I need to hype this show up any, it's already a classic and you can't even turn around online without getting hit in the face by a dozen Office memes. You'll have to pry this show and it's relatable characters (especially Michael Scott) from my cold, dead hands.
14. All Hail King Julien/The Penguins Of Madagascar (2008-2017)
Like Avatar/Korra, I also consider this as one show for the sake of this list because it also takes place in the same universe (Madagascar, specifically) and I just couldn't choose one over the other because they're both so perfect. They're funny and I love all the characters (it cut out the weaker links of the Madagascar film series and just focuses on expanding the standout side-characters like King Julien and the penguins). It also delved into some lore, particularly the first show, and even though I didn't also agree with the directions it took (you may have seen me get salty about the ending because I cared too much), I can't deny how much I love it.
15. Bones (2005-2017)
One of the other scarce non-comedy shows on this list, it still has it's funny moments. It's also, like House, another procedural show that involves some medical stuff, but this time on a more scientific and forensic level which is even more interesting. It's nice to see a lead female with Asperger's, too. There's a lot of cop/law enforcement shows where they try to solve crimes, but this one is the best, and I'm saying that as a fan of CSI as well. Don't fight me on this, I'm right. Oh yes, it's corny, it's campy, it's cheesy, but I love every minute of it. Don't watch if you have a weak stomach though.
16. The Simpsons (1989-?)
We all grew up with this show, don't lie. It's been around longer than most people on tumblr have even been alive. Should it have ended seasons ago? Hell yes. But that doesn't take away what the first like 20 or so seasons gave us (there's a lot of argument about when the show jumped the shark, for me it wasn't until much later than the popular consensus). The characters are amazing, but the secret to the show's longevity is that they always return to status quo and there's comfort and nostalgia in that. Bart will still be in 4th grade when you're out there pushing 90. This show is persistent. This show is eternal. This show will outlive us all.
17. Ash Vs. Evil Dead (2015-2018)
Sorely underrated. This show is hilarious, gruesome and campy as hell and I love it. I don't think you necessarily have to watch the Evil Dead movies beforehand in order to get the plot of the show, although it would probably help. In my opinion this show ended way too soon and I'm hoping someday we'll get a comeback because Ash is the reluctant, self-absorbed hero we all need and it's 2020 so at this point there really might actually be a demon-zombie apocalypse and who's gonna save us then if not for the impulsive womanizer with a chainsaw for a hand?
18. Malcolm In The Middle (2000-2006)
Another show I grew up with, I don't think it gets as much credit as it deserves. It has some damn funny episodes and great characters, and it did a lot of the popular sitcom tropes before they were 'cool'. Some other great sitcoms, The Middle in particular, took a lot of influence from this show and it helped pave the way for the future of sitcoms at a time when they were about to make a comeback. If you want a good show about the real experiences of growing up, this is a much more accurate representation of the highs and lows of being an awkward tween from a dysfunctional home.
19. A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017-2019)
Unlike most people I actually liked the movie version from the early 2000's, and I read the books growing up so I was excited when I saw there was a live action television adaptation of it on Netflix because I felt like they cancelled the movie franchise too soon. I was interested to see how new actors would handle the roles, and I was not disappointed. I wouldn't say I liked either portrayal of the characters better or worse, they both added their own twist to it and this show is a great and loyal adaptation to the books, probably because the author was so heavily involved. He knew just when to stick to the books and when to improve upon what he had done with the benefit of hindsight. This show is basically the books, but remastered.
20. Winx Club (2004-?)
Sort of an odd one out on this list, but I really love this show even as an adult and it may surprise you to learn it is still going on and the most recent season came out last year. They take big breaks sometimes in between seasons, but it's still going strong and in multiple countries. The only thing I don't like about watching this show is all the different and inconsistent dubs since the original show is Italian and each dub only goes for a couple seasons so by the time you get used to one set of voices/names for the characters oyu have to abruptly switch to another, but it's still worth it for the beautiful animation and cool characters (especially the villains!)
Honorable Mentions:
13 Reasons Why, America's Next Top Model, American Horror Story, Arrested Development, Bates Motel, Battlestar Galactica, Black Mirror, Care Bears, Chernobyl, Courage The Cowardly Dog, Criminal, CSI, Duck Dodgers, Goosebumps, Kenny Vs. Spenny, Kim Possible, Kingdom Hospital, Lazytown, Lost, Making A Murderer, Mayday, Mindhunter, Modern Family, Monster High, Obsession: Dark Desires, Parks And Recreation, Prison Break, Project Runway, Queer As Folk, Queer Eye, Salem, Schitt's Creek, SCTV, Spongebob Squarepants, The Emperor's New School, The Good Doctor, The Haunting Of Hill House/Bly Manor, The Middle, The Pretender, The Walking Dead, The X-Files, Through The Wormhole, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Unsolved Mysteries, Yugioh
Tagging: @bullet-farmer and anyone else who wants to!
#avatar the last airbender#the last airbender#avatar#legend of korra#the legend of korra#lok#atla#seinfeld#the good place#brooklyn nine nine#brooklyn 99#rick and morty#orange is the new black#oitnb#big mouth#dexter#once upon a time#ouat#house md#house#rupaul's drag race#the office#all hail king julien#the penguins of madagascar#bones#the simpsons#ash vs evil dead#malcolm in the middle#a series of unfortunate events#asoue
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Unexpected (but I'm worth it) (branjie) - writworm42
A/N: I wanted to write another virginity fic but this time a) lesbian, b) w V as the virgin. Because Holtz messaged me the other day and pointed out that 1st Position would be Excellent inspiration for a first time fic, and y'all know what? She was right, and she should say it
Title from 1st Position by Kehlani. THANK YOU HOLTZ for beta-ing and leaving me laughing so hard w ur comments fdhsfjkh LOVE U <3
Brooke can’t help but feel like something is very, very wrong.
It’s not that things are bad between her and Vanessa; on the contrary, they’re doing better than ever, better than any of Brooke’s previous relationships when they went this long. She and Vanessa see each other every week, cuddle and hold hands and kiss in public and feel secure when they don’t. They feel comfortable quadruple-texting, and safe not to text at all when they’re having a bad day. They’ve met each other’s friends, and for the past couple of weeks, Vanessa’s been hinting that she might want Brooke to be her date the next Mateo family reunion.
But Vanessa’s never spent the night, and as much as it wouldn’t bother Brooke normally, somehow lately, it’s felt… different. Like something has shifted, in the strangest of ways.
Brooke notices it first when they’re watching a movie together. A sex scene flashes across the screen, and Vanessa shifts in her seat, presses her legs together a little. But when Brooke asks if she’s turned on, teases her a little for it, Vanessa blushes and mumbles that Brooke should drop it. The next time Brooke feels the shift, it’s when they’re making out, and Vanessa grinds her hips into Brooke a little more aggressively than usual. Only the minute that Brooke responds by grinding back, Vanessa pulls away and apologizes, saying she needs a minute. And then there’s the time that Brooke brings up sex directly, telling a story she thinks is funny about an ex she thinks Vanessa doesn’t feel jealous of. Vanessa listens quietly, looking progressively more uneasy until Brooke skips to the end, and Vanessa looks relieved.
Something is definitely wrong, and whatever it is, it definitely has to do with sex.
“Why don’t you just ask her about it?” Scarlet sounds matter-of-fact on the phone, like it’s the easiest thing in the world, and Brooke feels a flash of irritation at the suggestion.
“ Because, ” she hisses, “There might be a reason she’s so touchy, and it might be really personal. We’ve only been dating for five months, Scarlet. Five months is so early to disclose some things! What if she’s touchy because she’s a survivor? Or has a social anxiety disorder? Or autism and she’s insecure about reading the signs of whether I’m ready for sex? Or has a phobia of sex or something? Those happen, you know, because of OCD or internalized homophobia or super strict upbringings…”
“Yeah, we know you have issues, Brooke, no need to project them onto Vanessa.” Scarlet scoffs, and Brooke has had it, she really has. It was a mistake to even bring it up, let alone with Scarlet. Sure, Scarlet is intelligent and creative, but the girl possesses the EQ of a gnat, and it’s very clear she won’t be of any help. She should have asked Nina, Nina would’ve been better—
“Have you considered that she might be insecure about sex because she’s still a virgin?”
Brooke stops in her tracks, the suggestion hitting her square in the face.
Of course. It explains why Vanessa seems to be hinting that she wants it, but then pulling back, and why she won’t spend the night. Why Vanessa looks like she wants to say something but can’t whenever Brooke makes a sexual joke at an ex’s expense.
God, Brooke is an idiot.
“I’m not saying you have to kick the door down and start screaming about autism or abuse or exposure therapy, girl.” Scarlet continues, and this time, Brooke listens. “I’m just saying, starting with a question and a disclaimer that she doesn’t need to tell you anything she doesn’t want to isn’t a bad thing. It’s good. Shows that you want to know what’s going on with her, make it better. Everyone should be so lucky to have someone like that in their life.”
Holy shit. If the suggestion that Vanessa may still be a virgin isn’t already enough to shake Brooke, the words that have just come from Scarlet’s mouth certainly are. Because Scarlet is right .
Brooke checks over her shoulder for flying pigs before turning back to the phone, still a little in awe at how obvious her friend’s advice is, how good it is. “You’re a genius, you know that?”
“Yeah, I do.” Scarlet’s voice is casual, but Brooke knows that she’s probably grinning madly on the other side of the line, overjoyed at the praise. It’s kind of cute to think about.
“Just let me know how it goes, okay?”
“Alright, will do.” Brooke nods. “And Scarlet?”
“Mhm?”
“Thanks.”
–
Brooke keeps it casual the next time she sees Vanessa, trying to make everything seem as normal and calm as possible.
Only inside she’s a nervous wreck, visions of what can go wrong spinning in her head. What if Vanessa gets offended or defensive? What if she shuts the conversation down, and then things get awkward between them? What if for whatever reason, they fight? What if Vanessa really does have some kind of baggage, and even if she doesn’t open up to Brooke, it brings up bad feelings or memories for her?
No. Brooke takes a deep breath in, forcing the thoughts out as she exhales. Now isn’t the time for anxiety. If she’s going to spin out about it, she might as well not do it. If she’s going to broach this topic, be ready for Vanessa’s answer, she needs to have a clear, level head. She can’t make this all about herself and how she feels.
Right now, everything needs to be about what’s best for Vanessa.
“Man, you off your game today.” Vanessa grins as she puts a few more letters down on their scrabble bored, poking the tiles softly as she tallies up her points. Twenty, all from adding an ‘E-D’ at the end of a word on a double word score tile. Brooke could have done it if she’d been focused; she would have done it if she were focused. Instead, she’s lagging by about thirty points and still trying to stop her head from spinning.
Fuck. She needs to get out of her head and into the game, or she’s going to lose both her winning streak and her opportunity to talk to Vanessa.
She puts down ‘C-A’ to make ‘CAD’ and winces when she realizes it’s only earned her six points.
“Brooke?” Vanessa prods again, her voice softer this time, and Brooke looks up to see that Vanessa’s grin has fallen away, concern painted on her face instead. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m…” Brooke trails off, then takes yet another deep breath before she can make any more excuses for herself.
No; no more running. She needs to address this, and needs to address it now.
“I wanted to talk to you about something, and I guess I’m a little nervous about it, because I don’t want to bring it up in a way that’s, like, insensitive, I guess? I just don’t want to hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad, or bring up anything that you don’t want to talk about, not that you have to talk about anything you don’t want to–”
“Brooke.” Vanessa brings her hands up to stop Brooke in her tracks, the ghost of a smile returning to the shorter woman’s face despite herself. “Slow down, baby. It’s okay.”
There’s a pause while Brooke catches her breath, calms herself down a little, and then Vanessa looks back up at Brooke, her face serious again.
“This is about how horny I’ve been lately, ain’t it?” Vanessa asks, staring at Brooke intently. “It’s okay, you can be honest with me. I know you’ve noticed.”
“Yeah.” Brooke shakes her head, her stomach settling down completely once the confession is out. “It’s not that I’m mad about it or anything, I’m just… It’s like you keep starting to initiate something, then pull back, and I’m worried that maybe I’m doing something wrong?”
“Oh, baby, no!” Vanessa takes Brooke’s hand, her face softening with sympathy. “It’s not you, don’t worry ‘bout it. It ain’t anything like that. It’s more that–Well, I guess I mean–I’m…”
“You’re a virgin, and you want to sleep with me but you’re embarrassed and worried you won’t be good enough for me?”
Vanessa looks at Brooke, surprised, and retracts her hand. “How did you know?”
“Scarlet had a hunch.” Brooke snorts, and Vanessa rolls her eyes, smiling a little despite herself.
“Yeah, that’s what it is. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it or anything. I mean, you already know I’m a romantic. I was just tryna wait for the right person. And now…well, I think I found her. And suddenly I’m afraid I might mess it up.”
Aww. Brooke feels her heart melt, and can’t help but smile as she reaches across the table to grab Vanessa’s hand again, patting it gently. “Listen, you won’t. I would never think anything bad about you. I love you, okay? By default, it’s gonna be good because of that. And anyway, things always get better with practice, right?”
“Right.” Vanessa still sounds a little skeptical, but her face evens out when Brooke leans over and meets Vanessa’s lips halfway over the table to give her a little kiss.
“You already know what to do, I promise.” Brooke reassures her. “Just let your instincts guide you, and I’ll teach you the rest, alright?”
“Alright.” Vanessa smiles, squeezing Brooke’s hand back, and Brooke relaxes, finally sure that everything’s going to be okay.
“So…”
“So.” Brooke laughs. “Let’s put on a movie and see where it goes, yeah?”
Vanessa doesn’t even have to say anything, nor give it a second thought; without skipping a beat, she’s pushing herself up from the table and grabbing Brooke’s arm, dragging her towards her bedroom.
–
They’re only about half an hour into Ghostbusters when Vanessa’s head finds its way to Brooke’s lap, and Brooke finds herself stroking Vanessa’s hair as they pretend to watch the movie. It’s nice, cozy, even, and Brooke is content to keep feeling the softness of Vanessa’s hair, keep hearing the soft sighs of pleasure she lets out as her eyes flutter closed, then open, then closed again. To stay like this forever with Vanessa, just the two of them and the movie in their own world.
Only then Vanessa squirms a little, and whines in protest when Brooke pulls her hand away. And after a few more moments of restlessness from the shorter woman, Brooke notices that Vanessa’s legs are squeezed together, moving more than any other part of her body.
Oh.
Brooke smiles, a sudden flash of arousal stirring between her legs. Looks like things are about to get interesting.
“You alright, baby girl?” she brings her hand down from Vanessa’s hair to stroke her cheek lightly, gleefully biting down on her lip when Vanessa shivers at the touch. “You seem a little distracted.”
“I’m— Oh. ” Vanessa sighs when Brooke brings her hand lower still, trailing her fingertips along Vanessa’s body at a snail’s pace and delighting in every goosebump that appears in their wake.
“I’m okay, I’m just—“ Vanessa cuts off suddenly, letting out a whimper and beginning to squirm again when Brooke’s hand finally reaches her chest.
“You’re what, sweetheart?” Brooke watches Vanessa intently as she starts to explore the younger woman’s breasts over her shirt, feeling and experimenting, waiting to see her reaction, making sure she knows that she can get away if she wants to.
“I’m… oh, fuck, Brooke, keep doing that…” Vanessa melts into Brooke’s touch as she finally palms one of her tits, squeezing and massaging it gently, just a little warm-up.
“There we go,” she purrs, “that feel good, Ness? You like it when Mami plays with you like this?”
The nickname isn’t new—it’s something Vanessa’s thrown around a lot, a title she pulls out whenever she wants to reel Brooke into the palm of her hand. It always works, of course, earning her kisses and cuddles and occasionally a completely free dinner. It’s not something Brooke dislikes, either; in fact, it makes her feel powerful, sexy, even. Like she’s in control, because Vanessa wants her to be. So it feels completely right to use now, and if the way Vanessa nods eagerly is any indication, it seems she’s made the right choice.
“Yes, Mami, fuck, I like it so much.” Vanessa moans, leaning into Brooke’s touch.
“Good, I’m glad.” Brooke praises, and fuck it, she’s proud of herself, relieved that she’s actually helping Vanessa, actually making her feel good. Showing her that she’s made the right decision, not just in doing what they’re doing now, but in deciding to share it with Brooke.
Still, there are plenty more things Brooke wants to show Vanessa, and she knows she’d better get to it.
“You know, there’s lots of other ways I can make you feel good, too.” Brooke leans down to plant a teasing kiss on Vanessa’s jaw, smiling against Vanessa’s skin when the shorter woman whimpers and squirms a little more. “What d’you think, baby, want me to show you? Want Mami to make you feel all nice, teach you everything she knows?”
Vanessa doesn’t even have to hesitate this time.
“Yes, Mami, fuck, please, yes. ”
“Good girl.” Brooke forces herself to keep her movements slow and exploratory as she continues to touch Vanessa, moving her hand away from her chest and down her body again.
Truth be told, Brooke would love nothing more than to drag Vanessa up further onto the bed, climbing on top of her and peeling off her clothes in a flurry of kissing and biting and needing her now . But Vanessa is right–she is a romantic, and Brooke wants to give her the exact kind of slow, sensual first time she knows Vanessa is probably looking for.
So instead, she pays attention to every part of Vanessa’s body, keeping an eye out for places that make the younger woman sigh a little louder, clench her legs a little tighter together. She’ll need that knowledge for later, after all.
“Can I touch you here? Like, between your legs?” Brooke pauses when she reaches Vanessa’s pubic bone, right above her slit, pressing down a little to bring Vanessa just a little closer to the edge and giggling when Vanessa responds by keening up into Brooke’s hand, urging her to press down harder.
“If you don’t, we ‘bout to have problems.” Vanessa growls, and she doesn’t have to tell Brooke twice–she trails her hand down all the way between Vanessa’s legs, cupping her pussy through her pants and rubbing it slowly, but firmly.
“So cute, baby.” Brooke murmurs, kissing Vanessa again. “My cute little princess, so desperate for me.”
Vanessa whines, her hips bucking back into Brooke’s hand. “Please, Mami, please, give me more, I need more…”
“Mm, you sure, angel?” Brooke plays at deliberating, despite the fact that her fingers are already circling the button of Vanessa’s jeans, toying and teasing at the cool metal clasps. “You sure you want more?”
“Yes. ” Vanessa hisses, and fuck it, Brooke just can’t hold out any longer.
Brooke undoes Vanessa’s jeans fast, plunging her hand inside to feel Vanessa’s slit over her panties. She gasps when her fingers make contact with the thin cotton fabric, meeting a sticky, slick wetness that’s practically soaking them through.
“My, my.” Brooke tuts, trying her best to conceal her excitement, the way her heart pounds in her chest as she continues to tease at Vanessa’s cunt. “Aren’t we a mess? No, don’t move, baby, keep letting me feel you–there we go.”
She brings her other hand around to Vanessa’s chest, toying with her tits again as she continues to rub Vanessa through her panties, working her way up to focus on the other woman’s clit. “God, you’re so sweet like this, all desperate for me. I should just tease you forever, wouldn’t that be nice?”
“No, no, please, please Mami.” Vanessa whines plaintively, practically shaking as she tries her best to be good, tries her best to stay still. “Please, touch me for real, I need it so bad.”
“I know you do, sweetheart.” Brooke finally gives in, because she needs it too, needs to feel Vanessa’s cunt under her fingers, needs to taste it, needs to hear Vanessa’s moans in full force, see what she looks like when she comes. “Get up for me, baby, let’s get all this off.”
Brooke doesn’t think she’s ever seen Vanessa move as fast as she does in that moment, springing up so suddenly she practically headbutts Brooke in her haste to shed all her clothes and clamber up to the top of the bed.
“Oh my God, slow down!” Brooke laughs, her character broken as she chases after Vanessa, wriggling out of her own clothes in the process. “Baby, don’t rush, come on.”
But Vanessa doesn’t listen, only tossing her arms over Brooke’s neck and pulling her into an eager kiss.
“Hi.” Brooke smiles widely when they separate again, her chest swelling with affection when she sees how flushed Vanessa is, how she’s practically glowing with happiness.
“Hi.” Vanessa smiles back, her eyes sparkling with excitement and contentment, and Brooke thinks she’s never seen Vanessa look so beautiful as she does right then, blushing and sweating and biting her lip as she tries to catch her breath.
“I love you so much.” the words come out softly on the heels of another kiss, then another, this time against Vanessa’s jawline, then her neck, then down, down, down to her collarbone, each peck and nip carrying yet another statement, another confession, you’re beautiful, thank you for sharing this with me, I love you, I love you, I love you.
“I love you too.” Vanessa murmurs, her eyes hooded and voice thick with need. “Now please, just fuck me already.”
Brooke snorts, but obliges with pleasure. She continues to trail kisses down Vanessa’s body, taking her time to lick and suck at her girlfriend’s skin, the tang of Vanessa’s sweat lingering on her lips. She finally reaches Vanessa’s tits, and barely hesitates before taking one of her nipples into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it and sucking gently.
“Oh, fuck…”
“That feel good, baby?” Brooke comes off Vanessa’s nipple just enough to be able to whisper out the question, just enough to make sure that Vanessa can still feel her hot breath against its hardened, now-wet bud.
“Fuck yeah, it does.” Vanessa gasps.
“Mm, I don’t know.” Brooke replaces her mouth with her fingers, tracing and circling Vanessa’s nipple with deft, light movements. “I mean, you say that, but what does your pussy think, hm? Should we check?”
She trails her other hand down Vanessa’s body, smirking as she watches the younger girl shiver, before planting it between her legs, bringing two fingers to her slit.
“So wet for me!” Brooke gasps with an edge of mock surprise, one that makes Vanessa giggle a little. “Goodness, all this already? Poor baby, must’ve been so pent up all this time.”
“Tell me, princess,” she sobers quickly, her voice low as she nips at Vanessa’s neck, “you’ve been thinking about this a lot, haven’t you? Thinking about my hands on your cunt, rubbing you out and making you feel all nice? Your pussy certainly feels like you have.”
Vanessa nods, whimpering. “Yeah, Mami, fuck yeah. Been touching myself while I think about it, pretending my hands are yours.”
“Oh?” Brooke plays with Vanessa’s folds, gathering wetness onto her fingers before finally tracing her way up to Vanessa’s clit and beginning to circle it gently. “Well, what do you think, sweetheart, is it everything you expected? Hm?”
“No.” Vanessa laughs, bucking her hips in search of more pressure from Brooke’s fingers. “It’s even better.”
Brooke can’t help the pride that swells in her chest, spurring her on to go a little faster, press down a little more firmly. “Good, that’s what I like to hear.”
She continues to rub at Vanessa’s clit for a while, varying her pace and pressure, switching directions and occasionally breaking her circles to go up and down or side to side, but soon, they reach a plateau, Vanessa moaning and panting but getting no closer to the edge. It doesn’t worry Brooke too much; it’s perfectly normal to have difficulty reaching orgasm sometimes, especially on someone’s first time, when they don’t necessarily know what to direct you to do. Still, Vanessa not being able to come is definitely not how she wants her first time to end, so she switches it up, asks if she can put a finger or two inside her.
“Yeah, please.” Vanessa agrees.
Brooke is about to oblige, when she notices that something is… off. Vanessa’s eyes have taken on an air of worry, and the way she’s chewing on her lip is more nervous than aroused.
Shit.
“Are you okay? Do you need to stop?” Brooke gets up and takes her hands away, giving Vanessa room to breathe, but Vanessa just shakes her head, blushing crimson.
“I’m okay!” she waves her hands frantically, her eyes wide. “Really, I don’t need to stop. I was just… I wanted to say…”
“What is it?” Brooke moves close to Vanessa again, wrapping her into a hug and kissing her on the cheek. “It’s okay, Ness, you can tell me. I wanna make you feel good no matter what.”
“Well, I just… I really liked your dirty talk, is all. It really fucking turned me on. But I didn’t wanna knock off your concentration, ‘cause then…”
“‘Cause then what?” Brooke sucks in a breath, her confidence deflating in her chest just a little as she waits for the answer she knows is coming.
“I was afraid you’d get mad and stop.” Vanessa mutters, looking down at herself.
“Oh, baby, no.” Brooke pulls her closer still, squeezing her tightly. “I wouldn’t get mad at you over something like that. Hell, I’d be happy . I want you to tell me what makes you feel good, it’s a good thing when you feel safe to.”
“Besides,” she adds with a conspiratorial wink, “you know how much I love a chance to mouth off.”
Vanessa turns to look up at her, and thank God, all of the doubt has been wiped from her face, a wry, mischievous smile left in its place.
“Well come on then,” Vanessa cranes up to give Brooke a slow, teasing kiss, “get to it, Mami.”
“That’s more like it.” Brooke eases Vanessa down, once again settling on top of her like it’s the easiest thing in the world, the place she really belongs. “Now why don’t you open those pretty little legs for me, sweetheart? Let me see that cute little pussy, I wanna make sure it’s still nice and wet for me…”
It is, and so Brooke slowly slips a finger inside, still working on Vanessa’s clit with her thumb.
“ Awww. ” Brooke coos at Vanessa’s moans, soft and desperate as Brooke picks up her pace, starting to pump her fingers in and out of Vanessa’s cunt in search of her spot. “You like when I fuck you like this, baby? Look at you, you don’t even know what to do, you feel so good. Bet this is much better than using your own hand, huh? Isn’t this better?”
Vanessa is too far gone to do anything but nod, so Brooke fills in the words for her. “Your pussy is so pretty, baby. Just the cutest little thing, all wet and puffy for Mami. I just fucking love it. Maybe next I should taste it, huh? Eat you out so good you won’t be able to think about anything but my tongue for the next three days. I bet you taste so fucking good, you’re already so sweet, I could just…Oh? What’s this?”
Brooke stops in her tracks when Vanessa’s breath suddenly hitches, her whole body going rigid for a moment, and Brooke realizes that she’s found Vanessa’s spot.
Jackpot.
“Look at that!” She hums, hooking her fingers over Vanessa’s spot as she keeps pumping in and out of her entrance with more and more gusto every time Vanessa gasps or begs for more. “So responsive, aren’t we? Sensitive, too! Aw, poor baby, you must just be overwhelmed, aren’t you? Don’t even know how to deal with how good I’m making you feel. Guess that just means I’ll have to fuck you more and get you used to it, yeah? Get you nice and trained to take my fingers?”
“ Fuck , yes Mami, oh fuck, yes, oh God!” Vanessa’s voice is hoarse as she cries out, her knuckles blanching from gripping the sheets underneath her so hard. “ Just please, please don’t stop, please keep going, please keep fucking me—“
Brooke pounds her fingers into Vanessa with one final, deep thrust, and Vanessa’s words are cut short, swallowed into a silent scream. Brooke fucks her all the way through her orgasm, easing her down from it and slowly bringing her movements to a stop while Vanessa settles, still shaking despite finally relaxing again.
“You alright, Ness?” Brooke checks in as she slowly pulls out, coming around to lay next to Vanessa. She’s expecting Vanessa to nod, smile, maybe even say something about how good she felt, hopefully how she wants to do it again.
Instead, though, Vanessa looks Brooke dead in the eyes as she grabs the blonde’s hand and takes her fingers in her mouth, sucking gently.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” Brooke chuckles, and Vanessa rolls her eyes, grinning a little despite herself.
“It sure is.” Vanessa finally lets Brooke’s fingers go, licking her lips. “Fuck, Mami, that was fucking amazing. Thank you so much.”
“No, you were amazing.” Brooke kisses Vanessa on top of her head, pulling her close again and cradling her in her arms. “I’m so glad I could give you a good first time, babe.”
“About that.” Vanessa perks up a little, her hand suddenly finding its way up Brooke’s body and settling on her waist. “Any chance you up for teachin’ me how to thank you?”
Brooke grins, the old fire in her belly starting up again as her mind fills with ideas for what could come next.
“Absolutely.” She kisses Vanessa’s cheek before sitting up, gesturing for Vanessa to crawl on top of her.
“What d’you think, baby, wanna learn how someone else’s pussy tastes?”
“That I do.” Vanessa grins as she settles over Brooke, looking her over like she’s something good to eat. “Why don’t we get started?”
#rpdr fanfiction#brooke lynn hytes#vanessa vanjie mateo#branjie#lesbian au#smut#writworm42#tw mommy kink
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