Thoughts on our episode oops:

This ones a lot stronger than i was expecting which is good!

- The beginning of the episode isnt quite my normal favorite beginning to an episode but it works for telling us fizz and ozzie are a couple and their actual dynamic which id say we needed screen time given to because its kind of an act (even though i liked the prior established idea fizz and Ozzies relationship might be that they find love gross despite being in a relationship bc its more about whats agreed upon to constitute it)

- Again i think itd really sell a theme to the episode if Ozzie didnt want to go with Fizz to get milk out of concern theyd be mistaken as a couple causing a part of the reason fizz gets into this mess

- i think Striker shouldve been kidnapped by Crimson who running out of men and money would rather kidnap and force an assassin to work for him or be killed than risk cutting his numbers down further after what Millie did. Especially bc arguably prior episodes have implied Striker is better at one on one fights and is easily overpowered when out numbered.

- Im not super on board with Striker pulling Fizz and Blitzo off the street so easily when if Fizz and Ozzie were a poorly kept secret whys it in the paper as proven and not a "shits hit the fan" moment? And hows he weaker than Bee when he's very clearly muscular? Maybe if Stiker was trying to grab Fizz's dogs especially the albino one recognizing them as Ozzies and therefore something hed pay a pretty penny for. Only to by chance pull up Blitzo and Fizz whos mistaken as Ozzies dog walker.

-okay so in backstory the fire is green. But then shouldnt he be bothered by said green fire in Loolooland and why didn't we see it in his trip?

-tbh shouldn't he possibly bc scared of horses too bc of this?

-"but you have no idea what i lost in that fire" blitzo says this like it was the start of his villain arc but personally? It just feel really insensitive to Fizz and unaware of the fact his pettiness to push someone caused this

-its really too bad barbie was scrapped from the scene bc if Blitzo walked off because he heard her scream and basically went to find hed only to catch as the tent burned down it would better justify him walking away from fizz than "trying to get help" which doesnt. Read as such.

-honestly too the fact blitz is implied to have killed people makes me think it wouldve worked better if perhaps fizz ans his mom were outliers but largely the issue was he put every one out of a job. Jobs that likely dont have very transferable skills. As they may have had the money to keep the circus going but never enough to replace everything lost in a moment like that. (Also a throw back to how hell doesnt have insurance)

-fizzs song is pretty good! With the music though i semi wish Look At This couldve been a song where Fizz is actually trying to fool Crim and his group into thinking Ozzie and Stolas have shown up especially because Fizz may not know much about fighting but he absolutely might know how to set a scene and inprovise. Maybe a bit akin to Make A Lot of Noise from the Toy Story musical.

-again wish Ozzies now offered to go with Fizz any time he leaves the house and Fizz (who went from saying he doesnt know how to fight to throwing a punch) says he can handle himself but hed love for them to go out together as a couple. Ozzie saying he doesnt need to leave the house and he'll have body guard everywhere with him reads too infatilizing and assuming Fizz as incompetent for my taste

- Salem did the concept art for this episode and the fact viv didnt credit them is really disappointing. If i can i would like to ask ppl be aware of that and maybe check those out bc they have every right to be proud of the work they did

life kinda sucks lately and i cant tell why.

i mean im lonely. im always lonely. always have been lonely. just something ive kinda accepted. but this is a new brand of lonely. a new flavor. well, not new. rare, i guess. just utter loneliness. like it really is just me. and everyone else is over there. and no matter how much i walk towards everyone else, they seem to move further and further away. its a game i can never win. i can shout and sometimes they shout back,,, but sometimes they cant hear me. its not their fault, theyre just far away. maybe theres a lake or a river or even an ocean in between us and theyre like “sorry, we dont wanna get our feet wet. hope youre not offended” and i try not to, but i think about how much i wish they would just cross. for me maybe.

sometimes i think about would i do it for someone else. i try to. i listen and i love (as much as i can). i wish i could do more.

i think about death a lot. or more about what comes after. i think about all the stuff i’d miss. like the tickets to the stupid haunted house that i bought (i bought 2 just in case i found someone to go with me. i bought 2 tickets to a concert last year thinking the same thing. i still have the other ticket on my phone bc it never got scanned. at least its like a momento or something). all the games i havent played yet, all the stuff i havent learned about yet.

if i died right now, they probably wouldnt find me for a while, i dont think. theyd fire me from work eventually because i stopped showing up, bills would still get pulled and paid for, the credit card debt piling up on itself. i could lay in this bathtub for god knows how long before someone would notice.

who am i supposed to call when i feel like this. my mom? my friends? my family? the loneliness cuts so deep it hurts. sometimes i cant breathe and it stings when i think about it. when i think about the uncertainty about who to put down as an emergency contact. “hey they stopped going to therapy” “hey they stopped showing up to work” “hey this bill still needs to get paid!!!!”

i dont mind work. i dont mind the busyness and almost uselessness about it. it gives me a purpose, no matter how small or busy or useless. even thought the loneliness is there too. like you wonder how many people would care if you just disappeared forever. how many would still think about you. is that a selfish thought? im not sure. and then there’s just the in-circles. the in-jokes and the talking that you’re just out of reach of.

i think the hardest part about imagining death (and whatever comes after) is eliza. she has no food in her bowl. she’d cry and cry and maybe eventually eat my corpse and when that was gone or no good she’d keep crying and maybe break into other food in the kitchen. and after that was gone she’d keep crying and the noise complaints would keep piling and piling on top of each other and maybe—just maybe—management would open the door to get the cat and see me there. in the bathtub. and theyd think “shit. that’s not good”.

i would feel selfish. id want her to have enough food. and water. maybe just leave the facet running. mom would get the water bill in the month and wonder “why is this so high” and maybe she’d call and maybe she wouldnt. maybe she’d keep trying to call and would get worried. maybe she wouldn’t think anything of it at all. its weird of moving from a point of “i dont want to die, i want to pet eliza again just one more time forever” to “i shouldnt die bc then who would be there for eliza”.

sometimes a death isnt physical, i dont think. sometimes a death is…pulling away. accepting the ocean between you and everyone and not screaming anymore. sometimes a death is no longer trying. giving up. sometimes a death is acknowledging that maybe it doesnt get better. sometimes a death is just thinking about it. sometimes a death is sobbing and hugging yourself in the bathtub, begging yourself not to do it and that “i love you so much. please live for me. please”

WOOO POG DREAM SMP AU

theres 1.8k words and 9,393 characters of a schlatt au below the cut LMAO

[i was rambling to my friend and this is what came out of it! send me an abt it if u have questions i would love to talk abt it more pls]

(slight body horror/gore tw!!)

slams fists on table rattling any dishes on the table au where schlatt doesnt die of a heartattack and tubbo locks him up to rot basically and his horns grow into his eyes effectively blinding him and chained his hands together and basically a leash on him to keep him from moving around in his cell so he cant do anything to break the horns off before they get too long and one day when technos breaking into lmanberg he gets chased into the prison and loses them in the halls before coming across schlatts cell and schlatts calling out like 'whos there i can hear ur foot steps whos there please someone whos there' etc yk and technos speechless they thought they executed him to keep him from causing any more problems in the country but this is this is just much worse than anything he even thought theyd do and hes standing in front of schlatts cell just looking at him as if hes imagining it he knew lmanberg was bad but holy fuck they just let this man rot in a cell to the point of his own horns blinding him and giving him no aid or way to ease the pain so he makes himself known and schlatt 'ive never been so happy to see, well, hear an anarchist in my life, its good to see- hear you technoblade' and chuckles and blood runs down his face like tears would, few drops landing on his clothes before techno starts trying to get into the cell to take him out of there he cant leave him here sure he was an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but he had standards and now that schlatt wasnt in power he had nothing against him really considering he isnt a citizen of lmanberg so he manages to pick the locks enough to get him out of there, schlatts arm slung over technos shoulder they stumble out of the prison building and as they slowly make their way to the nether portal to get back to technos base, they run into tubbo and quackity, schlatts old right hand men and they try to stop techno bc hes well an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but the glare techno gives them levels them and theyre left staring at each other for a moment when schlatt 'whyre we stopped whos there tech' and techno mumbles 'tubbo and quackity schlatt' and schlatt just furrows his brows as far as he can without sending excruciating pain into his eye sockets before he purses his lips and asks 'are they going to try and stop us?' techno looks back at the other two 'no they wont, isnt that right boys?' tubbo and quackity slink away allowing techno and schlatt to the portal and them going thru, schlatt still silent as he tries not to trip over technos cape or off the ledge of the bridge passing over the lava lakes, they make it to the portal and begin the walk across the arctic tundra to technos house, philza isnt there right now so its just the two of them and techno leads him up the ladder to his room (its not really a room i think its just a bed, a bell and an enchantment table) and sits him down on his bed mumbling something abt being right back and he is with some medical supplies and a change of clothes to clean everything up, they dont talk techno works in silence and when schlatt winces he mumbles a small apology before continuing eventually techno got schlatt as cleaned up as you can get someone w horns in their eyes and a sweater to keep him warm and finally starts asking questions 'how long had u been in there' 'lost count' 'did they bring you food' 'a chests worth at the beginning of the month' techno sighs 'i thought they executed you' 'tubbo chickened out despite me being 'an active threat to our peace in lmanberg' and locked me up a few days after u set the withers loose and dropped off a chest of food once a month and most of them refused to talk to me others couldnt even make eye contact with me, other than the few instances where they said things like 'heres ur food' or 'u deserve this' or 'i cant believe tubbo let u live' i talked to no one other than myself for however long i was in there' techno stands and walks around for a moment before flipping some pages and schlatt can hear him gasp quietly in mild surprise 'what is it tech' looking in the direction he heard techno from and techno says, turning to face schlatt on his bed 'schlatt that was almost 3 months ago' a single beat of silence rings for what feels like forever 'oh. i, i didnt think itd been that long. though it would explain my current predicament' loosely gesturing towards his face 'oh right abt that i have a few questions if ur ready to answer some' schlatt hums and techno grabs a pen and paper and sits next to him in case he needs to take any notes for future reference 'how fast do ur horns normally grow' 'idk just a steady amount my whole life pretty much' 'will they ever stop growing' 'they generally stop growing around 30 and continue to grow more in width than length' 'did anyone who brought u food notice' 'they grow quickly and by the time the person w the third chest came around they were getting close to my eyes but they didnt listen to me, no one did' he sighs looking down at would be his hands 'the odds of both of my horns growing into my eyes and blinding me like this are so low but of course it would happen to me' a chuckle void of any amusement 'because losing my country and my people and my power wasnt enough already' techno stands up 'you had that coming' schlatt actually laughs this time, short and curt 'ok fair, u were the one that took me down afterall' and from then on schlatt lives w techno and phil and eventually tommy and then without tommy (tommy was Not happy when he found out that schlatt was living with techno but he needed somewhere to stay too and techno happens to live in an arctic tundra where only a handful of people know how to get to so he didnt complain too much) and eventually techno saws off schlatts horns at the bend adn removes them from his eyes bc if they kept growing into his head theyd hit his brain and kill him on top of blinding  him and techno gags and almost throws up despite not being sensitive to gore  and gives schlatt a bandanna to cover the holes in his head for everyones sake and once they heal somewhat he can find something else out and thats how they live, schlatt helps with what he can like farming w phil but mostly spends his time learning braille or something so he can read and techno gets him books in braille so he isnt bored or alone like he was in the prison and he feeds him and takes care of him and schlatt is funny and entertaining despite being blinded by something from his own body and the torture it was like to rot in a cell alone for almost a 1/4 of a year and nights when techno gets home late and hes shaken and the voices are bad schlatt will sit behind him and play with his hair and talk abt his own day and rub technos back and in return when schlatt relapses and gets violent and angry techno will wash his hair and read him stories until he calms down and hopefully asleep and no one told him the news that wilbur died so when ghostbur shows up and starts talking to him he treats him the same as he would wilbur bc he cant see that hes a ghost all thats different is his speech pattern and overall personality and one day he says 'ur different wilbur what happened to that, i dunno spark u used to have' and wilbur simply 'im not sure if im being honest a lot abt me has changed since i died, or so im told i dont remember much from when i was alive' and schlatt just 0_0 and then hes scrambling down the ladder and stumbling around the house looking for techno, finding him in the basement working on something and when he gets there hes out of breath and his hands are shaking bc holy shit wilburs not only dead but a ghost and he was just talking to me and he doesnt remember what i did and and and and techno is shocked to see schlatt in the basement and asks whats up and schlatt just 'wilbur died wilbur fucking died tech why didnt anyone tell him and now hes a ghost hes a fucking ghost who lives in ur house and doesnt remember anything he doesnt remember that he blew up lmanberg does he he remembers my name but not anything that i did what hes a fucking ghost techno hes a ghost holy fuck' and technos just standing there like ??? no one no one told him 'yea philza had to kill him after he blew up lmanberg i thought u knew thats why i didnt say anything' oh. 'phil, phil had to kill him?' 'yea its a touchy subject, dont bring it up' and simply goes back to what he was working on so schlatt sits on the ground by the ladder and listens to him work his brain going a mile a minute trying to comprehend whats going on 'would i have become a ghost if theyd chosen to execute me?' 'its hard to say im unsure if theres specific circumstances that contribuite to someone becoming a ghost but theres really no telling' and goes back to working yet again and from then on they fall into an easy schedule of techno going out and doing whatever an anarchist terrorist w a murder record does on ur average wednesday and schlatt stays home reading and organizing whatever he can based on size and feeling and sleeping in windowsills and schlatt greeting techno comes home beaten up and full of new resources and a side of bruises and cuts so he tends to them, getting better at maneuvering and functioning without needing to see then techno making dinner and then curling up by the fire for the night enjoying each others company as they talk abt their days :]

tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” -  i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

[Unedited: same as when written,, ] Seeking out search out for that heavnly realm That unseen That unknown That unseen, yet ever-present Everlasting , Lasting after last thing stuck in this circle Cypher rewind the minors Flow from the water Life from the evil in backwards Hit my duality with some shit Not to fight But to bea a mothafucka and let the helix twist and split The sky's the direction Relax Nothing to worry on being worthy The gift and the 8 above my head Is that love That love That otha water born creation Money for grabs all that cool , but I found myself circling this earth That realm Like thats all what of where im at And thats all im going to Crab walk across the park Paranoud cause theyre making a noise Cave to myself, no entry things and sinister dreams Avail a circle with nothing cause it aint open Finally find what time to understand What is And what the fuck isnt Drink from a different river , The golden halo Head so far from , inner isnt Splitting my own atoms Nah none more of that Control of Earthly habits To achieve more of the Earth? Give up all that shit to recieve it all In the ending Cause on that alpha shiy I wouldnt be shit Wouldnt be shit Wouldnt exist So what makes me think 3 snakes Instead of 2 Wanting more So more on repeat But I wasnt the mothafucka that brought me into this world and I'm that brotherfucker that tried to bring myself out of it 6times On count on repeat dracula Breathing ivacuated Incasipated Cant write or speak as fast as these thoughts What is this Something I dont know Something I dont want Now its unfamiliar Yet its been the same face ive been starin at for 4 years straight Straight jacket eight ball kickin a window in Made of a million pieces All decieved in decease Come to rest at best at peace Mothafucka I need more than these Days of dark sand In my hand Recieve it all in the downfall My own downfall, where I draw the bottom, where I let go of it all Jump into the loop That halo realm beyond you Beyond everything as purpose cant be nothing , only on something on this direction, thesw worries, this stance of endeavor Going out the same way I came in , hoping to be Starring into its gold to see Beginning where it starts, of that (The things he put , the fire , the heat, the elements , the alchemy) That pure shit of what I was really lookin for Molly hit my temple damn pure Take enough until you find that answrr im talking about The enptiness Took another 3 and some to look up after from the aftermath of that empty hands earthly trends going in circles around Finding the answer keeping that shit for me Thats the key So I thiught so i think therefore i am To everything to udneratand On my own my shit my own Have evrrything Entreprise to stay alive Keepin me breathin maybe But it created the things of this life outta fear Circled more for a vulture such as me Eat ate Kill to mistake Forgive never forget Holding onto something That ill never forget Cause thats where I was stancing when I wanted to ge5 ahead And its been there every since Past particle living listening more ceaseless than my tweakin car livin days Throwin seeds like atta fat bitch from a weddin for fun Cause I got nothin but this gun And somethin for my head now . maybe Mothafucka just tryna spread Like the one million of the sperm That made a brothalova like you And if i aint the same lava pour over me Cause ive been a mothafucka since the pompeii days Before prehistoric before the sage Yeah twitchclenchin fool Thats what im really looking for Thats what ive really been searching for Thats what time is To me alreast My dude , my dawg In that trust that it rains In the name of myself . in the name of going the distance in a consistence A direction thats directed by your realm heavenly . only . of . possibility . doors i dont know . havent heard . havent seen . Release that fuckin devil . that sin . Keep me in your bed . finally in between . Floating from it Like the polarity i want most . why twist my own helix like my nips This I want living more Like this I want this gold given . spread gifted . lifted . nothing to repeat of self as its no longer a race Its an assembly to stack up the lift up more Induldge in your beauty Damn youre a fuckin beauty No paranoia Wont annoy yah No more breathing heevin heavy worrying about my mindset steady no more . Somwthing of yours Nothibg of mine thats im used to Adjusted to control perfect Rash on my foreskin tryna craft a flow Something theyd appreciate Ill get it once I let get off all of it All of that All of caring Hit the bottom so i hit the heavens Yeah . mothalova . peace man fuzz . something thats worth to keep consistent Thats worth to live Cause ill only appreciate what i find when im not really that into lookin at how it would be to get and what leprocauhn bitch inside look like Heaven point of vision seeing down Like i got my 12 from 6 complete Kundalini a devil on my way up No fear on me days these slut please Find my worries on consewuences on that river you tryna find me dead Twisted my nips for hours too long . no food no sleep . Hit that g spot . my g spot . her g cavity never felt gravity till now spot sweet . From faith . from wanting it more . to making it that vision . that layer overall . overees of me make my ovaries overeasy please . Dont worry about how keep that outco e consistent As its something thats His. And I know at Any time Any Time At Any I can have it Just bathe in the things he placed here Just like you Dont gotta worry gotta bitch bout nothin Cause I know deep down From that beginning Innocent as its ever been . infant freedom set free . gave me a taste . For this plane earthly . Placed maybe for the grow i dunno Not suppose to 2 sheets 2 weeks deep tryna figure that out Edge of insanity brink of death 9pm park bench Found it Found it as its been in that The very thing ive been blocking off Thats been missing Ive been on my own mission Make that shit happen Now harder faster Fuck myself in the ass in that order That pattern that pace Ste face when in asking for more Mothafuck . ive been here to explore As ive ever been And its been the same shit 24 Cause ive been wanying what im having what im doing on the 7 Slip me the drug hidden . cause im fuckin spittin out this poison . shit. This is it . The mother the father the son and your holy spirit . hope to be within me . As you once were always were in my youth . always have been . waiting for me to see what the path is . standing at the end . like a true parent that i wish i could say i had . that i have . accept them . as human as me . as i am . Human being lookin for nothing but the all you are Fuck all the answers I wanna wake to you in the morning time Reborn spirits of me something i never planned to be . Dont give a shit if im gum on a seat stumbled As long as im living a life granted from yours . Life given from your purpose Passed given handed off Fuck . im getting off Quit to sput but quicker to spill off Pretend im something nothing but a ghost Hope for you to see Something bigger better be better be than i be So I can be Fuckdickdogshit Walkin head down Grown from the devil Because I never knew my 6 to grew To grow from Motherfuck this airplane semi lsedupsychedalic automatic trip to drift off to space outer and its that shit Simulation White box nothing blinded by appeal Fuck a bitch , we all know it aint real But big dick sexy camel golden shine waxed as the bills to be Blood on his teeth Cause mothafucka thats the test Thats the faith i gotta have Not in but against Fuckin bitch thats the test . Thats the test . Thats the test . Fucking wake up before I do . Before I fuckin did . Dont be dead as I ever was . Or you know the next best man to be unseen . yet on the surface, only on the surface , as it stops at to co-exis-be. Respect and love you cause we just met my b . Smell some heaven on this earth from endowed doused in the middle thing The middle man named grace Hit my face on some ecstacy Better than All those reasons All those reasons Ive ever been Cause its the consistent . Its in it . and its that . Gifted as tourettes already lifted . Part of rhe ground . part of the earth . part of the test . alwats knew . Break into the sky . last peace . Hear this shit before i die . Please . cause im you in another life somehow . And all this sound . all this drought . all these clouds . Knowing . wanting . breathing . living . existing . to the shining light Wanting more Seems to be absolute right? No wrong . not fooling me. I know that shit . thats i want . get off my back. I know my realty . nothing else dont . as angle makes my own . me too . 2 of me . Some of them . want something . want something to be to be something . Could be Only could be Look at the want of more . the fear of its piece . Thats what it was. Always was . Carefully step my friend . I kmow youre not paving this path for paun . At all . simple to breathe but deeper to feel defeated Dont wait for these days of my broken . hopeless . homeless . paranoia . going nowhere. to see it . 8:13pm - 8:37pm - 9:03pm 05-06-2019

Scrooge (00Q) || Holiday Drabbles Day 3

As requested by @darkjediqueen:  Q is a Grinch but James tricks him into Christmas.

“All I’m saying is that it is a holiday that either prompts a Bronze Age mythology or celebrates capitalism and excess.  I don’t understand why no one else can see what a scam the whole thing is.”  Q hardly looked up from his computer while he ranted, ignoring the horrified looks from the technicians working around him and the unamused gaze of his own lover.

“What about family and togetherness and being thankful for what you have?” Bond prompted.  Despite everything he went through in his life, Bond always made a point to observe Christmas.  Sometimes it had to be on a different day, but he figured the sentiment remained, regardless of when it was celebrated.

Q finally looked up, raising a brow above the rim of his glasses.  “I’m an orphan with no family to speak of, I am here, all the time so togetherness really isn’t an issue.  And as for being thankful, I find my energy is better spent on keeping you all alive then thanking the universe or deity or whatever for the fact that I have what I worked very hard to get.”  It wasn’t that he wasn’t thankful; he was.  Q appreciated that his life allowed him to spend his days hacking and saving the world, and paid him well enough to have a nice home and his cats.  But, there was no point in gratitude towards something that didn’t care whether he was thankful or not.

Bond shrugged and walked away, leaving Q to marvel at how easy it had been to convince his lover to drop it.

~

“Q, can you come home?”  Bond calling him while he was at work was unusual enough.  Bond calling to ask him to come home was downright unheard of.  Q never left work unless it was an emergency, something that had not happened since they’d gotten together.

Worried, he asked, “How urgent is it?  I’m updating the email system after 009 managed to corrupt it with that virus last night.”

“You know the computer I’m not supposed to touch?  Under punishment of death and sleeping on the couch for a year?  I touched it.”

Swearing under his breath, Q logged off and grabbed his jacket.  “I’ll be right there.  Please don’t touch anything else.”

Thankful to live close to work, Q stepped into their shared loft only a few minutes later, stopping short the moment he walked inside.  While the flat was lovely, tastefully decorated and perfect for the two of them, it never looked like this.

There were candles everywhere.  A giant tree occupied the main window in the sitting room, covered in red and green baubles, with white twinkling lights. Holly and mistletoe were strewn everywhere while ribbons completed the look, making it all look pulled together.  While Q had seen people’s home decorated for the holidays, they’d never looked like this and he wondered how Bond had managed it in the short time he’d been at work.  “James?” he asked, unsure what else to say.

James smiled, stepping out of the kitchen.  “I know you don’t like the holidays, but I thought you might be willing to make some new traditions with me?  The roast is in the oven.  Gifts are under the tree.  Nothing too extravagant.  Only a couple things that reminded me of you in my travels.”

Q bit his lip.  For all his bravado, he couldn’t say no to this.  James’ effort would win over the hardest of hearts.  “I may have gotten you something too.  I wasn’t going to give it to you until January, though,” he smiled.  “So you didn’t actually touch my computer, did you?”

“No.  But I knew it would get you here faster than anything else.”

He wasn’t wrong.  So Q smiled and the two of them sat down for a meal.  They ate and talked, and later on, they exchanged presents.  

When they curled up on the couch later, covered with a blanket in front of a roaring fire, Bond asked, “Still hate the holidays?”

“I think,” Q smiled, “you might have changed my opinion.  I love you.”

“I love you too.  Merry Christmas.”

If you have a drabble request for my holiday drabble giveaway, submit it here.  Twenty four days of holiday ships!  What could be better?

A trap ||

Dean was leaving the office one afternoon, when he was ambushed by a man in a loose jacket suit. 

“Dean winchester?” The man asked, “You’ve been a hard man to track down. I was paid to give this to you-” He said, shoving a folder into deans hands. “It seemed important.” The man said, before rushing off. 

Dean was left baffled and confused. He opened the envelope and out fell a note and a picture. The picture was of his last boyfriend-Castiel. Theyd been broken off for two years, when castiel had left nothing but a bottle of wine and a goodbye note. Dean hadnt thought much of it in the last two years, as he had worked for a long time on getting a new position at work and settling into his life- he had romances and other interests in life- but this was something he wasnt expecting. 

An almost naked castiel was blindfolded- handcuffed, and covered in wounds and blood. The image made his heart stop. He was cold and numb as he walked inside, poured himself a cup of water and drank it. He looked at the letter- and read the words three times. He needs your help, like always, dean. We’ll see you soon. A warehouse address was written on the paper. Dean was in a haze, as if he had lost himself. He was in the car driving to the address without a second's notice. He had to save cas! The warehouse was next to the river, it was abandoned and dimly lit. Dean had a moments hesitation when he thought about whether or not this was a trap- he was walking into the empty warehouse and he wondered if it was faked- “Cas?” Dean asked, before calling louder “Cas?” It was a moment before castiel answered, “dean?” there was a scuffling sound, “Dean!” he was tucked away in the warehouse, restrained by rope and in his boxers. He was tied to a pole- and there was a mattress nearby. The trash around the warehouse made it clear that hed been held here for a few days, at least. “Cas! What happened? Whats going on here?” Dean asked, rushing over and trying to untie him. “What-what are you doing here? How did you find me?” Castiel asked, quietly, confused. “I thought-I thought i would never see you again.” castiel mumbled weakly- he was injured and weak. “We have to get you untied.” Dean replied angrily, and confused. “Whoever did this might come back-” Castiel swallowed thickly, and closed his eyes. “He-” “He might, might he?” a voice called. “The puzzle is complete, Baby-bird.” The man said, walking over to them. It was the man who handed dean the envelope- vaguely familiar and igniting a fire inside of dean. He stood up, and turned to face the other. “I’m taking castiel home.” “Go ahead and try, he will come back.” al said, smiling. “Isnt that right, little bird?” “I-I thought you left, Al.” Castiel breathed, trying to be tough because they weren’t alone. “I just wanted to personally invite our guest of honor to the party, Cassie.” he pulled off his suit jacket, and draped it over a loose box. “It’s not really a party without a guest of honor.”  “Fuck off.” Dean said, angrily, stepping between castiel and Alistair. “Take a seat, Deanie Baby.” Al instructed. “Fuck you.” Dean insisted again, defensively. “Oh, I intend to.” Alistair laughed, hauntingly. “Baby-bird, You wanna be a good boy? Make up for everything you’ve done wrong?” He asked, looking at cas. “Al, please- don’t do this-” Castiel begged, teary eyed. He was exhausted and worn from the days torture. “You cant keep us here.” Dean argued, looking at Al. “You can’t do this.” Alistair hit a beam, hard enough to make castiel jump against the bindings. “Dammit dean! You’re not a very good Dolly! You’re always making problems! Always ruining things!” Revealing just how much he was under Alistairs skin. “You stole his heart! He’s always crying your pathetic name! You ruin everything! You did this to yourselves!”  he stormed over to them- and shoved dean into the pillar. “You’re a lunatic!” Dean hissed, shoving Alistair back. Alistair hit him-swinging at him. “You are a broken dolly! You don’t play right!” He hissed at him, aggressively. 

Dean tried to block the hit but he fell anyway. 

“Al! Stop!” Castiel begged, jerking against the bindings. “Shut up! I’ll deal with you after i clean up this mess!” Alistair hissed, grabbing dean from the floor and yanking him to a pole across from castiel. “Ally, baby- Please- I’m sorry! I’ll do anything! Leave him alone!” Castiel pleaded, pulling against the rope. “Shut up, cassie.” Al snapped, tying dean to the pole. “I’ll make a good dolly out of him soon.” He promised. Dean struggled, blinking conscious. “Stop- leave him alone.” “Now you can still watch, Deanie baby.” Al said, patting his face. “Leave him alone.” Dean pleaded. “Stop-” “You’re almost convincing.” he said, admiring his work and stepping away from dean. “You’ll enjoy this.” He smiled. Alistair knelt and kissed castiel- shoving his tongue down castiels throat- as he untied the bindings. He moved to kiss the rope burned skin from the restraints- keeping a rope around castiels neck to be a leash. “You gonna be good for me, baby? You gonna be a good boy? A good dolly?” “Al, please-” Castiel asked, closing his eyes. “Please- please don’t-” Alistair slapped Castiel, “Answer the question baby, don’t be all shy in front of our guest of honor.” Castiel looked at dean- sighing. “I-” “Don’t! Cas!” Dean chirped. “Shut up!” Al growled. “I’ll be a good boy- sir.” Castiel promised, looking away. Alistair yanked the rope and pulled castiel to his feet. “Cmon, baby. Lets welcome our guest.” Castiel was dragged and forced to kneel between deans lap, he couldnt make eye contact with dean. “He has too many clothes on. Take them off- Give him a blowy, baby.” Alistair instructed, smiling and stroking castiels hair. “Al-” cas breathed. “Blow him and do a good job of it- help him come around, baby.” Alistair instructed. “Castiel, stop!” Dean hissed, “Don’t listen to this fucker!” Dean said, scooting away from castiel. Cas was tense-and afraid. “I-I didn’t know- I didn’t think that Al would do this.” Castiel apologized, crawling closer to dean. “I am so sorry, Dean-” tears clouded his vision. Dean squirmed and got away from castiel, “Fucking stop! Just, stop! Listen to me, you don’t have to do this!” “He does.” Al replied angrily, “If i told him to kill you, he would. He is my stupid little plaything.” Al laughed, “my good little dolly.” Castiel didnt move- he was frozen to the spot. “Get to work, cas.” Al instructed, “or it’ll be so much worse for you.” Dean used his boot- putting it on castiels chest and pushing him as far from him as he could. “You only have vague control of castiel and none of me, asshole.” Castiel didnt move. Deans words cut into his skin- and his head was spinning. It had been a really long day- and he was sort of convinced this was all a fever dream. Al got angry and pulled dean up by his hair- hissing. “You too will break, Dean. You will be a good dolly, soon. You will do what I say, you will hurt and you will hurt castiel when I tell you to-” he laughed. “I will break you.” Dean smirked. “You can fucking try.” Alistair hit him-hard. “You will watch your fucking mouth- little boy.” He hit him again, blood splattered on alistairs face. “What does he see in you? What makes him call your name?” “Al, stop!” Cas begged, teary eyed. “Shut up! I’m not talking to you! You failed me!” Alistair hissed. 

“He saw a better fuck than you!” Dean spat, smirking. “I’m better than you, and I don’t even have to force anything.” Alistair tore deans shirt open, and threatened him, “I’ll show you a better fuck.” He promised, working on deans belt. “You wanna take a viagra before we start old man?” Dean taunted, fearlessly. Alistair shoved the fabric from deans shirt into his mouth. “Shut your mouth, little boy. You talk too much.” While Alistair was busy, castiel started moving away from dean, away from Al. He was tired and weary and he just wanted it to stop. Dean kicked and squirmed to prevent Alistair from undoing his pants. “Stay still, baby-boy.” Alistair hissed, moving his hand to deans throat. “Stay still or I will gut you.” Castiel moved, quietly. He had to get to Alistairs gun. It was always nearby- frighteningly close. And once, recently, inside of castiel. Dean squirmed harder. “You’ll have to fucking make me.” he knocked Alistairs hand off. Alistair smirked, tracing Deans chest. “It’s gonna be so good to break you in; You’ll be such a good toy- maybe even better than Castiel.” Then, the click of Alistairs gun. Castiel had it- and he was standing behind Al. “Stop, Al.” Alistair laughed, “put it down, before you get hurt.” “You leave him alone. Untie him and let him go, now.” Castiel demanded, frightened. “ Alistair pressed himself firmly into dean. “If you shoot, you will shoot dean too. Do you want that, little bird?” “He’d understand.” Castiel bluffed. “Let him go.” “Youre a little birdy, you won’t hurt me.” Al replied. “Put the gun down.” “Maybe- maybe I’d shoot myself. You’d lose me and him.” Cas argued. Dean muffled and bucked against alistair who looked angry. “You wouldnt.” Al replied. “This would hurt Deanie baby. You kill yourself for him? You think thats a good idea?” “You want me so badly, you fight for me- you hold me in a prison- you’re willing to let me shoot myself?” Castiel asked, pointing the gun at his chin. Alistair hesitated before turning to face Cas, “Baby, bird.”  Cas had only been shooting once- it was when Dean and he had first started seeing eachother. It was awkward and weird- and it was a really good date. “Baby, bird- I love you. Put the gun down.” Al insisted, moving to approach cas. Castiel wasnt really thinking about what he was doing. It really didnt feel… real. He turned the gun and pointed it at Al. Castiel pulled the trigger- shooting both dean and Alistair. He was blinded by fear- and rage. It wasnt real. Alistair collapsed, screaming- but deans scream was muffled- and he was prevented from collapsing. Castiel dropped the gun, rushed over to dean. “Oh dean, i’m sorry-” he said, pulling the gag from deans mouth and undoing the ropes. “I’m sorry- i’m so sorry-” Deans side was bleeding, and he was dizzy. Castiel helped him to a sitting position and pressed his shirts remains into the wound to stop the bleeding. “Please tell me that you have a phone-” castiel begged. “My pocket-” dean agreed. Castiel dug into the pocket and pulled out the phone, dialling 911. “Hurry-” Dean said, pressing the shirt into the wound. Castiel tried not to panic- it was going to be okay.

“911, whats your emergency?” “I’m in a warehouse- we need an ambulance-” He begged, shakily. In deans pocket he found the address on the note- as well as the phone. “I think- this is the address. I shot two people. Please hurry.” “Cas!” Dean clutched castiels arm. Castiel looked to dean. “I’m sorry, dean-” “No-no, you did good.” dean shook his head. “You did good.” “Theyre not far, they’re gonna fix this. They will.” Dean suddenly looked panicked, “Cas!” Castiel was pulled to the floor and al jumped on top of him, pummelling him before squeezing off his airflow. “You piece of shit!” Castiel clawed at Alistairs hands. He couldnt breathe. Dean groaned and tried to get up- “cas-” “I’ll fucking kill you!”  he squeezed harder, hissing, “You’re mine, you belong to me- youre fucking mine! I will do what I want with you!” He tried to buck Alistair off of him but he couldnt. The tears started flowing and wouldnt stop-he was suffocating. Hed gotten dean shot- and he was going to die. The bullet wound prevented dean from getting close to them. Just then, the lights flooded on and the police rushed in. “Police! Hands up!” Castiel continued to attempt to buck Alistair off of him, but he couldnt. Al wasnt going to give up. “I wont let them save you. You’re mine to kill.” Alistair hissed. “I told you what would happen if you tried to leave!” “Hands up!” The officer hissed. Things were blurring and he was struggling, but castiel couldnt get him to stop. “He is going to kill him!” dean cried. “You have to stop him! He’s going to kill him!” “Hands up or I’ll shoot!” the officer hissed. “I’ve been shot once tonight! If I die, he’s coming with me!” Alistair promised. Then, the bang, and alistairs hands loosened as he fell over. Castiel gasped for air, panic seizing him. Alistair was ontop of him, he was dead, wasnt he? “Cas-” Dean attempted to get closer to castiel, but the police officer next to him didnt allow him to. “You are hurt, you must stay still.” “You have--... help cas.” dean argued. “Dean-M fine.” he promised, weakly. “You okay?” his hands curled against the ground, and he panted. “Thank god, you’re alive-” dean smiled. “M sorry, dean-”  castiel breathed. Dean was quiet. “Sir?” the officer asked. “We need a paramedic, quick!” Deans eyes were shut and he wasnt answering. “Dean?” castiel asked, trying to sit up. “Dean!” he started sobbing- fully breaking down. It had just been the worst day of his life. “Oh god- please don’t let him die! He’s- he’s gotta live- i cant be the reason he dies!” he cried. “It’s okay, kid.” the officer promised. “The paramedics are here.” They rushed in and tended to dean, though a few came to castiel. It had been a really bad week- or more. Cas didnt know how long he’d been kept here. “I’m fine-” cas argued. “He needs help- I shot him-” “He’s going into shock! He’s lost too much blood-” one said. “Please save him- he needs help-” Cas babbled. “So do you.” A paramedic said quietly. They rushed both dean and cas into an ambulance- and put a tube in deans mouth and an IV in his arm. “His BP is droping, he’ll need a transfusion!” “Do you know his blood type?” castiel was asked. “No.” cas replied. “We’ll need O negative then, call the hospital!” the paramedic said hurriedly. “Tell them to prep for surgery, theres no exit wound.” Castiel closed his eyes and tried to stop listening. It was too much. He just wanted it to stop. Just for a moment. Then they were at the hospital, and dean was rushed away. Castiel was brought to an exam room and examined. He wasnt life threatening, not like dean. He was thoroughly shaken, though. He didn’t even know what day it was- and he was panicking. He was panicking when the doctor came in- and so he was sedated. There were many wounds- but all easily treatable. 

A while later, an officer came in. castiel sat up, and stared at his hands as the officer addressed him.  The room was dim. “Mr. Novak, I was hoping to talk to you.” The officer said quietly. Castiel looked at the bandages on his wrists. He chewed his lip, and nodded shakily. “Do you know if dean made it?” “He’s in surgery still.” The officer said quietly. “Oh.” Cas sighed, frowning.  “Am I in trouble?” Castiel asked, tugging on the blanket he was draped in. “I shot him.” “We just want to know what happened, Castiel.” The officer reassured. “I shot him.” Cas said softly. “What happened?” He asked quietly. “I tried to leave Al again.” he said quietly. “He wouldnt let me leave.” he whispered back. “He got mad- and he wouldnt let me leave.” “Alistair was the one who was shot by police, right?” The officer asked. “Yes, sir. And- and I shot him too.” Cas replied softly. “I meant to shoot him- he was- i didnt mean to hurt dean-” Castiel whispered. “Al was trying to hurt him, and he wouldnt stop-”  castiel sighed. “He was obsessed with dean-and with me… he found photos of dean and i from a few years ago, when i was with dean- he twisted it into my being obsessed with him. If I protested his cooking or his treatment of me- he would twist it back to something to do with dean.” Castiel explained shakily. “I tried to leave again- and he brought me to that warehouse to punish me. What day is it, anyway?” castiel asked, trying to understand. “Its wednesday, October third.” The officer replied. “This Al, he assaulted you?” “Yes sir- he was abusive and he lost it.” Castiel sighed. “And why was dean there?” He asked. “Al disappeared for a few hours and- and he tricked dean into showing up, I think. I think dean was there to save me.” Castiel sighed. “And I shot him.” he frowned. 

“We took pictures of the warehouse. How long were you being kept there?” “A week, I think.” Castiel sighed, touching his wrists. “Can you have someone tell me when dean is okay?” he asked quietly. “I’ll ask around. Why did you shoot Al?” “He was gonna hurt Dean.” castiel whispered softly.

DONT read unless you want to be bored. its very long and i am truly just rambling on and on.

i was dreamed of being one of those girls that was just undeniable beautiful, a person people couldn't live without. instead im the person who just....is there like it could matterless if i stayed or left. that's how i felt my whole life. like eventually theyd all forget about me. Jessica who?! 

there's times when i don't feel that way though. very few but it happens. its only a short time though. its tiring always having to lift myself up. to be proud of myself because i am, is it too much to ask that someone anyone in my life at all be. i am complaining i know but shit man ive had such a hard week, month year....i dont know i think that i just watch all these people and i see these guys that will do so much for these girls and i think well what does she have that i dont or what does she do that i dont. how can i make a man want more than sex. how can i make my family be proud of me and want to stand up for me and be on my side about anything. how do i make my parents love me enough to want to be in my life and love my son. everything is weighing on me alot the older i get. when i was younger i could careless. i was so carefree and happy. i remember the years between 17 and 19 were my favorite. i think i was the most happy then. i worked and took care of myself. i was single and doing whatever whenever i wanted. i lived alone but raley was ever alone. things were good but only cause life hadnt slapped me yet. i didnt think about anything serious, i didnt even make plans for longer than a week. i was young. but i was living. i remember when that all changed. i met him....the man i would marry, the man i thought i loved. key word was thought. or i dont know maybe i did but its not the real love that you hear about. it was the young first time kinda love. he was the first man i ever lived with. first man i ever bought a car with. first man i didnt alot of things with. but over our time together i grew insecure. i questioned everything i build up in my own head for the first 19 years of my life, i questioned it all. it wasnt a good relationship. we were friends yes and we had good times but the bad wouldnt be bad without some good. finally right before i turned 21 i met my sons father. i was still married but i didnt care. i spent 2 hours the first time buying a cell phone. thats how we met. i went home that night and i couldnt stop thinking about him. i day dreamed for weeks what it would be like to be with him. then one day after i got off work i walked in him store to pay my phone bill and said “too bad youre working, im talking my dog for a walk and going to smoke this blunt” i shit you not he turned around and looked at everyone he worked with and said “ill see you guys tomorrow” that was all it took. we walked and talked and i was hooked. i had never felt anything like it before. everyone around me thought i was insane. it was like that first crush in middle school. i wanted to be with him always and him with me. we had a rough start about two months in. i left state to spend some time with my grandma. we still talked everyday. we still loved each other. we were best friends. we talked all the time. i thought this has got to be it. so i moved back. and we moved into together. it was the best time of my life, i was so happy. we were always doing something together. talking and laughing. then february 2014 came along and i was pregnant with our first child. a little boy. we were so happy. and even though i wasnt ready to have a baby he told me we could do it. so here i am almost 22 years old and im pregnant with a man that i love more than anything. fast forward 18 months. we now have a 9 month old and we barely talk about anything other than that baby or bills....we stopped doing things together. we really stopped being together. the fighting started. i begged him to talk to me and he would just shut down. id tell him i wasnt happy and i wanted to try new things. and nothing. he seemed not to care at all. so i told him i was done. i couldnt do it. by this time our son is 15 months old. i met the fire. it burned hot but went out fast. then i moved out. into a friends mother in law house. i was getting high on drugs every day. i worked nights to take care of my son and pay for drugs but i needed the drugs to work at night haha it was a huge mess. more time passed like that until one day i didnt want to anymore. my son was almost 2 by this point and that wasnt a mom i wanted him to know. i quit. cold turkey never touched it again. it was hard sure but what isnt worth losing my baby over. nothing will ever be. i moved back in with his dad. we got back together. it was nice for the first couple months. then we went to mexico and the things he did and said....i mean we never talked about it. i got the im sorry i wont do it again and then it happened again. it doesnt happen alot but it still happens. he gets so drunk then he gets mad at me for something. or he says something rude and then i say something and he flips out. our son will be 4 years old son and weve lived in our current place for almost 7 months and its happened here. hes told me he didnt love me and he wanted me to move out. and then the next day its im sorry it wont happen again. i know this picture isnt a great one but when hes not drinking hes a good man. he works hard for us and he is a good father. but the fact that we talk about anything or he doesnt explain to me why he feels the way he does. he just say he doesnt know why hed say that cause he loves me and is really happy with me. 

i dont make anyone truly happy i just am..........