#IM CRYING things i google
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me rping : when was the clock invented ?
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wait so ok hypothetically i decided to model unclean realm in three.js no good reason
what do i need? rocky terrain. rocky mountain, military gates. Siheyuan style house somewhere, and then?
thats for like a low accuracy first draft. thats what it looks like right?
im kinda confused
are those outpost towers? they kinda look like it but kinda not. what is that?
im really not understanding whats going on over here. what is this layout?
there seems to be a good amount of foliage
is it really that much? i remember more rocks there. but also thats untamed concept art.
that and i dont remember shit
so my plan right now is to use models from online. either buy or free ones. and then as i start refining the area, ill start learning how to make my own for the specifics
and the aim is to go for as much realistic lighting/shading i can manage. i should aim for cartoon but i really dont know the fundamentals of light and color enough to stylize. making shaders or whatever shouldnt be too bad
#i wont run away from artistic endeavors i wont run away from artistic endeavors i wont run away from artistic endeavors#i was making a sv game but i quit because i finished the coding part but i had to animate. i ran away like a BITCH#to my defense animation is REALLY hard#im thinking. game modding right?#so i have all the g*nshin impact character models on my computer#hmmmmmmmm. unity blew up my last computer. like dead ass blew it up. also didnt they have a scandal#some thing something fuck indie game devs something#i dont know blender#ok so. three.js first. starting baby steps never hurt anyone.#especially when you dont know a single technology youre working with#i want to do it. for now. i hope i stay inspired#some words#edit: i opened blender. can i give up#Someone save me please#i want someone to hold my hand#i want to make it and i want to try something new. but i have to tttuuuqgiawua#crying aside im looking at mdzs maps people have made#is qinghe really near shanxi province?#ill have to look around a bit#im hoping i can rip out a model from a satelite image for like google earth or something#im gonna do it no matter what. at least ill make a shitty version#i can totally try. i got this
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“ And it hurts so much! Life is suffering. It is hard! The world is cursed. But still, you find reasons to keep on living." ... "I don't regret a thing, you know. I don't regret the struggles. I don't regret the hardships. The pain. The sorrow. And I've seen so much of it! But still. I don't regret what I've done or how I've lived my life. I just wish the world had been a better place. A better place for them, for us... But surely, a better place for you, my dear." ... "I feel like a vast vessel, with so many dusty rooms and cabins... I have so many of them... So many memories... Some of them are gone, but some of them... Some of them will live on forever. In you, in others. ”
- Astrid, Spiritfarer Farewell Edition
#just in case it was not clear#astrid was probably my favorite spiritfarer character#and im very emo about this quote of hers#shes just such an icon. one of the most versatile characters in terms of perks#shes so cute. she unionizes a company. shes a ww2 survivor and risked her life protecting children#and shes just so heckin cute#i wanted to take even more of the quote but i felt like this part encapsulates most of what i wanted#I feel like a vast vessel with so many dusty rooms and cabins... I have so many of them... So many memories...#im not cryings youre crying#i really feel this quote lately though so i wanted to share it#i put it as my discord status but that didnt feel like quite enough this time around#this is one of those 'can you believe this amazing thing was said by an [insert character here]' things#astrid was like a top three for me along with stanley and probably gustov#i say this even though i got attached to literally all of the characters#except giovanni. could not sympathize a lot with giovanni#its like gwen is wonderful but she leaves you so quickly#bruce and mickey are great but they take a while to grow on you#atul is so lovely but he just LEAVES YOU and also his banging upsets everyone#im not over atul leaving. will never be over it. i stopped the game and googled it because i kept thinking he would come back#elena and jackie and daria are weird ones. i like them but im not sure i love them#alice is another one who is so hecking cute#i think alice and stanley and astrid were the saddest goodbyes for me#i loved them so much but also they were just sad on their own. stanley is just a kid#alices dementia is so long lasting and heartbreaking to witness#and astrids rapid deterioration after giovanni leaves hits very close to home for me#anyway im rambling again but i just love astrid so much what a queen she deserved better than giovanni#astrid#astrid (spiritfarer)#spiritfarer#spiritfarer farewell edition
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me after shaking, rocking, doing a weird handrub, smiling like an idiot, and tearing up over the fnaf movie trailer: im normal :3
#five nights at freddy's#fnaf#fnaf movie#char speaks ☆#googled my symptoms and got diagnosed cringe#if i actually cried over the trailer that wouldve been crazy#i usually dont cry cry over movies or shows#so tearing up is like the same thing to me#im still shaky tbh I NEED TO CALM DOWN OR IM GONNA BE KICKED FROM THE THEATRE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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harry really typed in “doe prancing in the snow” into google images to find that photo.......
#NO FR#like i googled so many things to see what it would be#and only that made it come up#im crying#hs#harry styles
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IM PISSED WHAT THE FUCK
#personal#😭😭😭😭😭😭#bro this was 3 bucks from a garage sale like 8 years ago and its such nice stone im crying#rolled right off the counter and shattered 😭😭🥺#im in the middle of making mushroom power wtf am i supposed to do now? i cant afford a new pestle#and i dont even know if i could buy just the pestle#im so sad. today alredy sucks ive been having a chore morning bc i have house inspection tomorrow despite wanting bedrot time#depressi very bad time for chores to be done but they have to and im exhausted already and now my best and only pestle cracks im#im done fuck it the agent can fucking deal with an unmopped floor fuck this entire fucking day#im not a stone expert but i think its granite. can i ise superglue on granite#not that i have superglue either but i usually do with my groceries#google seems to say yes i can use superglue in granite only for the fact it has multple posts about wanting to remove it#ugh for fucks sake man. im as shattered as that thing is 🥺
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feeling like im being driven to my execution (its a drs appointment)
#p#also thats a little dramatic but i do hate them so much#i was feelin like well ill be uncomfortable n miserable but its not the end of the world#buuuut then i remembered (TMI AHEAD U HAVE BEEN WARNED)#that last month ish when i was here for an actual concern (n agreed to this physical bleh)#i was told im overdue for another pap smear n like they cant force me into it ofc but i know its smart to do it#cuz i already have lots of anxieties abt what if i secretly have some disease or condition n im gonna die blah blah blahh#but last time it was so awful n i was like crying thru it cuz of the pain which. isnt normal#googling it afterwards i found ppl saying stuff like 'it might be weird n uncomfortable but not too bad'#so i was like well ok thats just me then i guess :/#n anyway i def think i have that condition called w/e cuz ive never been able to do any kind of like. anything in there#not like day to day its a huge deal but for this its not too fortunate :/#so long story short i remembered ill have to decide if ill let them do it again at this appt#n i was reading abt the process again n then uh oh crying -_-#omw now n idk what ill do tbh. def wanna say no but also idk i shld be responsible or smth#dies instead.#n anyway even if its just the super basic physical theyre gonna do ill still wanna become an incorporeal entity thing#hate it hereeeee (body)#its a PA im seeing who i remember being nice some other time i saw her so theres that at least#theyre gonna wanna weigh me tho i forgot that too jeez#i said no last time but idk. kms
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Me when I’m not anxious at all about anything especially not traveling or not being home or being around strangers or going to a new airport or not being in control of the schedule or not having immediate access to my safe foods or not seeing funk and I’m definitely not anxious about being in new places and meeting new people and animals and having to be a person while trying to balance my emotions out enough that I don’t bring every conversation down while simultaneously only thinking about saying the wrong thing and bringing the conversation down
#and I’m definitely not afraid at all about how I haven’t told Millie about my current shitty mental health or the plans for an intensive#program and I feel like I might not say anything and I’ll feel bad later but like gahhh I just don’t want to be a bummer for once in my#fucking life I want to shove down all the sad depressing nothingness in me and try to be bubbly happy excited the whole time#who knows how it’s gonna go AND THAT THOUGHT DOESNT MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP#IM EXCITED FOR THIS AND I DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NOT GOING YO SEE MY DADS PARENTS EVEN THOUGH MY GRANDFATHER IS DYING AND IT DOESNT MAKE ME#FEEL SICK OR HAVE A HARD TIME BREATHING OR TYPING THIS IS ALL FINE I LIVE TRAVELING I LOVE FEELING LIKE IM NOT IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING AHAHAHA#AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHH THIS IS FINNNEEEEEE IM FINEEEEE THIS IS GREAT IM NOT GONNA FREAK OUT TO THE POINT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP AT ALL#AND IM DEFINITELY NOT GONNA END UP AWAKE FOR TWO FULL DAYS 🫠#screaming crying throwing up and you can’t smoke weed on a plane. fuck my life bro.#bring back smoking on planes PLEASE#stoner plane even the pilots high fuck it we all wanna smoke and and watch the world be tiny below us right that’s what google maps is for#I feel like I’m doing this life thing wrong.
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sorry just the concept of knives naming legato slays me but like. the fact that he didnt even name him a bad thing. like the way knives absolutely hates humans and literally wants to commit genocide to kill them all and. and he names one?? and its not even a name with a bad connotation. like he couldve pulled a lucilus and named him something like belial that means worthless and he doesnt???? that in itself just absolutely slays me. but the way knives names him legato. and the way you could kind of theorise that knives plays the piano in 3max because of that one (1) panel of him in that ridiculous outfit in front of a piano and. legato is a music term. so already knives names this human not something bad, but rather something associated with something that he does??? maybe likes???? enjoys???? and legato has many meanings but yknow its like smooth. and. and connection. connection. you connect two notes together smoothly and thats a legato. the chapter of legatos backstory is two people against the world. haha you could say thats where knives and legato gain a connection- i cant take it here bro
#i feel like there can be something said abt how legato is played on piano too#cos it differs for instruments? like its really easy to slur on a trumpet#but also im a band kid for five years and i dont know whats the difference between slurring and legato and at this point im tkk afraid to a#sk#also ofhejdjwjsn the way legato sounds really fucking nice#its smoorh theres no adrupt stopping its like woooo smooth fine notes!!#connecting!!#uowhfjjj the way legato can also mean bound together#the way im googling legato on a piano#and its like a piano cannot play a true legato and you can only make an illusion of it#and there is something to be said im just not big brained enough for it#this might mean things or i might be going insane i do not know ignore this#REREAD LEGATOS BACKSTORY AND THE WAY KNIVES SMILES WHEN ASKING FOR HIS NAME#i cant take it here can you hear me crying#i dont know why but i think u can say something abt the way#legato smiles at knives and he way u can see knives eyes widen v the way#legatos eyes widen when knives asks for his name and smiles#like theres smth about it#and i want to eat a pillow
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sometimes im like argh why do i even talk to my friends im gonna do something to fuck it up and ruin everything but i cant NOT talk to my friends i just cant. id say that it's just a normal thing but tbh it feels like. more. that if i say the slightest thing wrong everyone i know is gonna talk behind my back about me and and be hurt by what i said
#the ''accidentally hurting friends feelings'' fear has been 10x worse lately#i love my friends and i dont want to say something stupid#i feel like. it's the autism. and the ocd. and bpd. all mixing together into one horrible stew of emotions#that's fucking my whole life up#every time i get new friends. every time i talk to old ones. im so so afraid of being horrible and ruining everything#and i HATE that feeling because i HATE making things all about myself#I DONT WANT TO WHINE AND CRY AND COMPLAIN BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE HURTING!!!!#i hate it!! i want to help my friends not take away attention from them!!!#urgh sorry ive been doing pretty badly lately and im hoping to do. something. about it#google is no help as always#whatever#delete later#probably
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I know that Yuuta is probably gonna be the one fighting Kenny but damn...I cannot give up. I just can’t. Sorry yall. I really want to see Yuuji vs Kenjaku. They need to, at least, meet.
#jjk#kenjaku#yuuji itadori#gege im literally begging you#how can i reach this man i gotta say my thing#im taking out my crystals brb#and i want it to be so emotional#do yall remember when ginsan was fighting the old samurai hold up lemme google his name#jirocho#yes thats it. i want it to be even more emotional#like kenny unconsciously misses#and then love is the most twisted curse#the love of a parent#and i want to cry reading and watching the scene#while listening to as the world caves in#huh did i let my delusions win#in the tags too
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hi! its a delight to see that you have been enjoying minat + ryoj (and p3 in general), your tags and art just capture the essence of what makes them enjoyable...! anyways. did you know that the p3 mangaka previously made a ryomina doujin? cant send links but if u google "ryomina sogabe" u should be able to find it! have a nice day o/
FUCKING WHAT?
#thank you for the ask anon!#compendiumnotebook#IM RUNNING TO GOOGLE AS WE SPEAK HOLY SHIT I ALMOST THEEW UP IN MY MOUTH#FUCK I WISH YOU WOULDNT OF TOLD ME THIS ANON#IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PAST HOUR IM CRYING LMFAOOOOOOOOOOO#WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ACTUAL HEART ATTACK#i was feeling so down. so blue. but literally how am i supposed to feel any emotion when this pops into my ask box?#like fuckinf what?#wHATTTT#WHATTTTTTTTT#im standing on top of mt everest rn#i don't even wanna read any 18+ stuff like id rather not#i just wanna see if the mangaka has em hold hands or lean on each other#oh im gonna fucking throw up im crying this is too funny#'have a nice day" YOU HAVE CAUSED ME CRAZY AMOUNTS OF BRAIN DISEASE#oh someone just put me down already#HOW DO I POST THIS POST HOW DO I JUST SEND IT OFF#.#also i just wanna take a moment to say sorry if im not responding right away to things (not to u anon but ppl in general)#life has been in various extreme rough patches#its very tough for me rn.#so bare with me#um anyways#uh#ha#i feel like im going a little loopy#thank you for the sweet compliments at the beginning#im glad you lik e my art and tags s#they make me very happy#also it's fun to dissect them in regards to the story and it's themes
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#ooc.#personal //#sorry again to come on here just to complain#but im in such a shit position i cant keep fucking doing this#im so wound up all the time#these tablets are meant to help me but so far all they've done is make me even more short tempered#i can't write#writing is usually my outletbut i can't fucking form a single sentence without hating it#i can't concentrate long enough to do anything worthwhile#and any typo i make makes me genuinely lose my top and see red#on top of that i can t help but spend my time convincing myself that people don't want anything to do with m e#i feel lik ei have to force any conversation i have with people who used to feel like they Want to talk to me#and now im sat here having a crying fit because i've been sat for an hour staring at both my blogs and my personal writing google doc and#not done a single productive thing#playing hsr is boring now too#tell me ur depressed without telling me your depressed :')#i hate it#i hate myself#this is so fucking exhausting but then i feel even worse if i just spend my days laying in bed doing nothing!#if i go radio silent then u all know why i guess
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Right, lads, you know that twilight steddie au I keep banging on about? Well, I might have actually started writing it... just, a lil bit. And I'm not sure how long before I'll have enough to start posting it on AO3 (I think I want to make sure smoke signals and waiting room are finished before anything else) but I do have a lil prologue teaser to post and here it is:
On his first night back in Hawkins, Steve Harrington climbs out of his bedroom window and takes his car out for a ride.
It’s been almost a year since he’d last driven it and he can tell by the way it’s handling that his dad hasn’t kept up his promise to take it out now and then. But, then again, why would he? The only promise that Steven Harrington Sr has ever kept in his life is the one he made the first time Steve failed a class. “Do it again and I’ll make your life hell.” And, well, the rest is pretty self-explanatory.
Once or twice, Steve has wondered if his dad ever actually loved him. He’d put money on the answer being no. That the only reason that Steve even knows his father is down to obligation. His grandfather was the same. So, maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe Harringtons aren’t built to love each other. There’s a thought. Maybe they aren’t built to love anyone.
Except Steve kind of loves his mom. In that very hands-off way that his mom has built up over years of only seeing him during the summer and limiting conversations to three sentences or less. But Steve would be sad if something happened to her and that in itself feels like a success.
He needs to call her and tell her that he got back safely.
She probably won’t answer but it’s the thought that counts.
Steve drives aimlessly for a bit, circling the streets around his house, before turning off towards the town centre feeling bittersweet. Two years ago and there would have been a long list of people dying to see the prodigal son of Hawkins High. God, there might have even been a party to welcome him home.
They weren’t good people and he probably would have ditched the party halfway through the night, but there’s something to be said about being wanted.
Hawkins hasn’t changed much in the year that Steve has been away. Small towns never do. It’s the same thousand buildings and the same thousand families that have lived in them for decades. Most of Steve’s teachers had taught his dad and if they haven’t, they’ve taught some other person whose standard he’s supposed to live up to.
He pulls into the one twenty-four-hour gas station that Hawkins has to offer and fills his tank. It’s hot out despite being the first week of September. Checking first to make sure no one is around, Steve lifts the bottom of his t-shirt and wipes at his face. It’s not like he has much of a reputation to protect anymore but old habits die hard. He’s supposed to be the ultimate cool guy after all and cool guys don’t wear nerd shirts gifted to them by the fifteen-year-old they babysit and melt in the autumn heat.
Brushing a hand through his hair, Steve opens the gas station door and grabs a soda on his way to the counter. If he plays it right, he could spend at least two hours at Skull Rock before his dad even notices that he’s gone. Smokeless for once but Steve’s a big boy. He can sit with his thoughts for a couple of hours if it means not going home.
“Pack of Marlboro Lights as well thanks,” he says, putting the soda down on the counter. “And, uh, full tank on pump four.”
It’s rude of him, he knows that, but it’s only when he finishes speaking that he actually looks at the clerk for the first time. Too easily distracted, that’s Steve’s problem. So he spends most of his time ticking off the steps in his head while doing them. Easier that way but manners get lost sometimes.
Then again, considering how his brain turns to mush the minute he does look at the clerk, maybe it’s not such a bad idea.
Standing behind the counter is the most handsome man that Steve has ever seen. He’s about Steve’s height but his mess of brown curls, so long that it’d make Steve’s mom lose her mind, adds a couple of extra inches. He blinks at Steve lazily, eyes so dark brown that someone could get lost trying to find where the colour meets the black, before turning and reaching for the cigarettes, the bottom of his work shirt riding up so that Steve gets a glimpse of black ink against pale skin.
Steve knows that he has to pull himself together because in a minute the clerk is going to turn back around, but damn if it isn’t hard to pull his eyes away from where that tattoo disappears under the fabric of his jeans.
“Got an ID for that?” The clerk asks as he puts the cigarettes down on the counter.
Steve nods and fumbles with the fake ID in his wallet. If his heart is beating a fraction too quickly, it’s just because he’s worried that the clerk is some graduated senior who’ll remember him. Not that Steve can imagine this guy has ever stepped foot in Hawkin’s high. He looks like he’s been ripped from a million-dollar oil in the Louvre.
“Harrington,” the clerk says, his voice low. “Sounds familiar.”
“Probably cause of a cousin or something.” Steve swallows down the feeling he gets when the clerk gives him a once-over. It's jet lag. That’s the only answer as to why he’s acting like this guy is some girl he’s hoping to impress. He’s just a guy, Steve reminds himself. A beautiful guy with shining silver rings on each of his fingers and another tattoo poking out from under his collar, but a guy nonetheless. “Or someone else. I think it’s a common name.”
“Or,” the clerk leans forward so that he’s inches away from Steve’s face. “I know you from Nancy Wheeler’s stories.”
“You know Nancy?”
“That surprise you or something?”
“What? No, I, uh-” And, yeah, it’s closed-minded but the idea of Nancy being friends with this does surprise Steve. The whole time that Steve has known Nancy, she has never strayed far from the academically minded folk that share her AP classes and spend their free time bulking their college applications with extracurricular activities. Steve had been the one exception and that had been a blip.
“Are they bad stories?” Steve asks, desperate to escape the awkward silence that has fallen over them. “Not that it matters, cause- I mean- If they’re bad it’s because I was a dick, so, it’s my own fault.”
The clerk is still leaning forward, hands gripping the edge of the counter to keep him from falling, and he takes a long moment to just look at Steve. Those dark eyes searching Steve’s face for something. And then he steps back and shrugs.
“Some of them.”
“Oh,” Steve says. “Uh, well that’s better than all of them. Right?”
The clerk tilts his head to the side and Steve wants desperately to reach out and push the hair that has fallen across his face.
“Am I alright to get those, then?” Steve asks when the clerk doesn’t say anything. “Just cause I’ve got somewhere to be.”
That seems to shake the clerk out of whatever thought he’s stuck on because he runs a hand down his face and then nods. “That’ll be seventy-five dollars, cash or card?”
Steve hands him a wad of cash left over from his mom and reaches out for his ID but the clerk gets there first. He brushes his hand, pale skin as cold as the soda Steve is holding, and pulls back quickly.
“Sorry.”
“Are you?” The clerk asks and Steve hasn’t got a clue what to make of that. He just stands there awkwardly and waits for his change. Like a kid standing in his parent's doorway waiting to tell them he’s thrown up.
“This is a shitty fake, by the way, hope you didn’t pay much for it.” The clerk says, pressing both the ID and change into the palm of Steve’s hand. “I know a guy and if you paid more than thirty for that, you got ripped off.”
“You think?” Steve asks, shoving the contents of his hand into his pocket.
“I know,” the clerk says. “I can get you a better one if you want.”
“This really the sort of thing you should be saying at work?”
The clerk grins, pearly white teeth sharp against his lip, and Steve feels blessed to have seen it. “You’re so right, Stevie. Oh, how I’ve seen the light.” He shakes his head, still smiling. “Just think about it, alright?”
“Alright,” Steve says and he knows that he’ll be thinking about this whole thing for the rest of his life.
#steddie fic#steddie twilight au#steddie#vampire eddie munson#the googling i had to do for some of the stuff in this#steve knows two things smoke cigarettes and simp for eddie and who can blame him#THE FIRST VERISION OF THIS POST SAID NAME INSTEAD OF NIGHT IM GOING TO CRY
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as a society i think we need to talk less about eddie munson
#listen. LISTEN. i get it he’s cool and nonconformist and edgy and. dead and queercoded i GET IT#but like jesus christ yall the amounts of character butchery that the entire fandom has been subjected to#also hi sorry can we maybe possibly also address how the entire fandom insists on queerifying all the male characters. when we have.#a canonical wlw character. like ?? i just. im used to it from every other fandom but like#i simply do not have the patience for it in this one. can we please not ignore robin#also why does the obsession with eddie always come at the expense of the other more fleshed out characters.#like just say you want a self insert and go but don’t pretend that all of your headcanons or whatever actually happened#ESPECIALLY when it comes to ships. ahem steddie shippers. completely changing both of their characters and dynamics w other characters#i get wanting to change aspects of canon. trust me. i have a five page google doc of complaints. but like can we not act like he’s#canonically anything other than another minor character that the duffer bros sacrificed bc they didn’t wanna kill a main#and like. i don’t know. something about how the relationship everyone wants to focus on. is between steve and eddie ??#who barely interact and tbh don’t have much stake in each others lives.#as opposed to like. dustin and eddie ??? like im sorry but. why is steve always so destroyed in fics where eddie dies#and dustin is just like. crying or whatever.#steve barely fucking knew the guy let’s be real.#i dont know. im angry and tired of shitty characterization and wlw being ignored for less relevant white men#roxisms#st#stranger things
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the deaths of favorite ficitonal characters affect me so much more than it used to and i hate it
#is it connected to the grief i feel over my mom? YEAH PROBABLY#last night i watched the last episodes of a show i love but i also knew my favorite died in those episodes and today im just#i've been crying all day#and it's so stupid#hence why i dont!!!! like watching new shows until they're finished!!!#if i find something new i wanna watch and see a character i like i have to google and see if they die or not#I JUST#dont even get me started on the hobbit#DID I GOOGLE AND DO RESEARCH IF ROOSTER DIED IN TOP GUN MAVERICK OR NOT? YEAH I DID!!!!!#its a strange thing cause im not afraid to feel grief either... i wrap my emotions around me like a blanket#i wear them on my sleeve#BUT TODAY IM JUST ALL UP IN STITCHES ABOUT DUKE CROCKER AND IM IN MOURNING
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