#I've met my best friend who I met online and both them and their mother just call me speks irl | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dear--charlie · 2 years

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Dear Charlie,

it truly has been a while hasn't it? i am writing today because I think that I am finally, truly, reaching my limit. what I mean is

i think i'm going to kill myself.

i'm writing this so that maybe someone, somewhere, will remember who I was past all of the sadness that will come from me killing myself. i think this is less of a suicide note and moreso a recollection of what my life has been.

i can't remember much from my childhood, undiagnosed did has a funny way of passing that trauma on to others. that was a meant to be a joke, but i guess it kind of sounds sad... anyways, my childhood was a giant conglomeration of my mother not being around or loving me enough, my aunt hating me because she hated my mother, and me not knowing my dad. in those days i only had my grandmother, but she passed last year so now i have no one.

i have a few friends, a handful of them. maybe four of them really... two of them are close to me, in proximity i mean. they suck, but they try sometimes and i know that. i also know that i never asked too much from them, but that reassurance never made me feel any better for asking or arguing. the other two are far away. states away in fact. online friends i've had for years. i met one of them for the first time the other day. if they find this letter somehow i hope they won't be mad at me for saying that their mom is a piece of shit... the other i'm supposed to move with in august even though we've never met. it was something i was hopeful about, but now it is something that only adds to my wanting to kill myself.

the past month has been one of the best i've ever had and i think that is why i want to kill myself... because really it's been shitty, but maybe that will offer any readers of this letter clarification.

i wanted to participate. really i did, but it never seems to work in my favor... but this time it was. it did. i like this kpop idol. not mark lee (i'm in the process of removing that parasocial relationship from my life, so that i can become less dependent on the idea of how we were meant for each other because even i know how insane that sounds). this kpop boy is from a smaller group. i've never tried so hard for an idol ever... i bought him clothes and wrote him letters everyday for half a year and now still write them sporadically, i bought albums and photocards and got into fancalls. he learned english for me so he could congratulate me on getting a job and tell me not to fight with my roommate and tell me that he missed me and loved me. had it written down on a piece of paper so he could remember to say everything. this past month, i blew all my money to see him in concert, twice. i paid for the vvip ticket, the snapshot photos, got barricade at both concerts. he smiled at me the whole concert, danced into my camera, gave me hearts, made sure i ate (made me pinky promise him i would), took my phone on stage and sang the words "I'm sorry i love you so much, I'm sorry you're hurting" into my camera, mumbled a soft thank you (in english) before passing my phone back to me... at snapshots, i knew i was stupidly head over heels. he stared at me as i went to the other members lines, mouthed my username to me excitedly when i was waiting in the line next to him... he saw me and his face lit up, he held my hands to "give me his energy" took the picture while looking at me so endearingly that for a second i felt like someone actually fucking loved me. called out to me as i was walking away just to say goodbye again. he asked me to take off my mask at the second stop, smiled even wider, looked at me with even more love, mumbled "so cute" as he squeezed my hands a little tighter... it was so magical. it was the happiest i think i've ever been... so it hurt even more when it was over.

he's back in south korea and i'm still in stupid fucking florida.

the world is crumbling to shit and the only person to look at me with so much love is far away and i don't have rights to my own body and i work a job everyday for 2 and half hours that only pays me $12 an hour and i have to have rent by the first of august and two rooms packed up and my mom hates me and makes me feel like the biggest mistake she's ever made and tells me she hates that i don't care and i'm tired...

well my roommate just got home... the one i'm not supposed to argue with because my kpop boy told me not to. so i'll stop this letter and wipe away my tears and listen to my stupid one direction and make our dinner and pretend that i'm not planning on how to end it all...

i guess i just wanted to come say i'm tired and i think this time, i'm really going to kill myself and i'm really sorry to anyone that might hurt.

Love always, fat girl (T)

#dear charlie #fat girl

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megan-loves-surveys · 2 months

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#23.

Would you rather have another job? No, I like my job!

Did you ever live in a house with more than one story? I currently do.

What room of your home do you spend most time in? My room.

Have you ever given yourself a tattoo? No.

Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No xD

Why did you last take pain medication? A mild headache. Surprising it was only mild xD

Do you drive an electric car? I don't drive, period.

Do you like facial hair on guys or do you prefer the clean-shaven look? Facial hair is sexy AF. My boyfriend has a beard and it's so hot. Jon Moxley has a beard and he looks way better with it than he did clean shaven, etc.

Who was your first celebrity crush? Ritchie Neville from Five. I met him earlier this month and he's still the hottest, I hugged him xD

Who is your current celebrity crush? Jon Moxley, like always.

Are you good with kids? Not really. Kids seem to like me though, which is awkward xD

Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? No.

Do you look older or younger than you actually are? Younger. I'm in my mid 30's, but I've been mistaken for early 20's, most people agree I look around 21 - 23 right now. When I go out with my boyfriend, people think he's my Dad cos I look so much younger than him... which is funny cos he's 18 years older than me as it is!

When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? How should I know lol.

What was the last show that you watched a full episode of? Big Bang Theory.

Were you ever a boy or girl scout? I'm not even sure if that's a thing here.

Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? I only take my meds when I need them, not daily.

Do you like thrift stores? Yes.

Do you know anyone who has ten cats? No lol. I wish I did xD

Have you ever had a cat? I did, my aunt and uncle gave me a cat for my 5th birthday, his name was Piglet and he was a tabby. He lived till he was 12. Loved him to pieces <3

Have you ever had a dog? No.

Have you ever any other kind of animal? No.

Have you ever had a pet rock? Probably xD

What were you voted in the senior class polls? -

Do you organize your clothes by color? No.

Do you have any significantly older siblings? I have stepsiblings, they're in their 40's.

Which parent do you feel the most affection for? I love them both equally. No picking.

Who do you care about the most? Lots of people.

Do you tend to speed when you drive? -

Do you get bored with relationships quickly? No.

Do you have an online game that you play often? No, most of my games are offline, single player ones haha.

How long does it take you to normally take a shower? Depends. If I have to shave, it takes longer. Around 15 mins.

Was the last person you kissed younger or older than you? Older.

Do you always wear your seatbelt? Yes.

Would you rather watch a movie, watch a TV show, or watch a YouTube video? YouTube video, but it depends on the TV show.

Do your pets chase after bugs? -

When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? -

When you go to McDonalds, what drink do you usually get? Coke Zero Sugar.

What was the last thing you threw up? Dunno.

Are you someone’s best friend? I hope so.

Would your childhood self be disappointed? In what?

Can you lift your significant other (your best friend if you’re single)? No, he's like a foot taller than me and far far bigger than me lol.

What’s your opinion on the legalization of weed? I don't smoke it, but I don't care if other people do, so legalize it.

Have you ever hit a girl? I've slapped a few haha.

What was your New Year’s resolution? To keep going to the gym.

Do you like watching music videos? No.

Are you happy with your looks? Mostly.

Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? -

Are you someone who really likes to cook? What’s your favorite meal? I suck at cooking.

Anal sex, yay or nay? Yay!

Have you ever dated a fat person? Depends what you consider 'fat'.

What is truly attractive to you? It's hard to say, it's a complicated answer.

You see a spider web in the corner of your room. What do you do? There's one in the corner of my room right now, I ignore it unless I see a spider in it.

Name a song that reminds you of a past relationship: Hmm.

Do you think anyone hates you? I hope not.

What do you think your last ex would say about you? TBH I have no idea.

Do you still talk to the first person you fell in love with? Well, yes, cos he's my boyfriend :P

Have you ever been punched? No.

Do you care about what’s happening in other countries? I mean, sure, I keep an eye on it.

Do you believe in the afterlife? No.

What is your greatest achievement? Graduating uni I guess.

What kind of bottled water do you drink? I usually just drink tap water, but if I'm out and get water then it's usually just Pump.

What’s the most you’ve ever lost gambling? The only time I ever gambled, someone gave me money, it was $20 or so. I lost it all lol.

Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No.

Do you watch porn? Yep haha.

If you don’t, do you have a moral reasoning behind that decision? -

Do/did you ever attend church regularly? No.

Do you have a godmother/godfather/both? No.

Do you watch Supernatural? No.

Do you go to a firework show every 4th of July? Not everyone is American.

Are you diabetic? No.

Are you allergic to gluten? No.

Are you lactose intolerant? Mildly. If I eat too much cheese, it gives me a stomachache.

If you have shoplifted, are you afraid of getting in trouble? I've never done it.

How long have you been single? (Or dating your current interest) We've been together since June 2022, so 2 years in a couple of months!

Do any famous people follow you on Twitter or Instagram? A few wrestlers and a few popstars.

Name all the people you know that you’ve seen today. My Mum & Dad and that's it so far, I'll see my boyfriend later though.

Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No.

Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? No.

Do you take birth control pills? I have an IUD, so I don't have to.

Do you like soy sauce? Sure.

What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Dunno.

Would you ever wear real fur? Nooooo.

Have you ever been considered popular? Depends...

Favorite undersea creature? Hmm.

What types of things would you plant in a garden? Something easy to maintain.

Favorite type of fantasy creature? Djinns/genies.

Are you short or tall for your age? Short.

Have you ever liked someone much older than you? Of course! My boyfriend is 18 years older than me for a start, and most of my crushes, celebrity or otherwise, are older than me.

What was your first favorite band? Spice Girls. I'm a 90s girl through and through.

Anyone’s grave you visit, regularly? No.

Have you ever been seriously addicted to anything? No.

Have you ever had a hamster? No.

How many books have you read in the past YEAR? A few.

Are you popular on any websites? Uh, well... there's a certain NSFW site that I have an account on, I have over 5000 followers on it and I get comments and DMs constantly on there. So I'd say I was quite popular xD

Ever been in the emergency room? Yes.

Are you subscribed to anything (magazines, monthly boxes, streaming sites, etc.)? I have loads - YouTube Premium, last.fm Pro, Discord, Spotify, WWE Network, AEW Plus and right now I have Disney+ but I'll prob cancel it before I get charged again. I also have a magazine website sub but I got it for free cos I won it from the McDonalds Monopoly thing xD

Have you ever given a lap dance? Yes, as a joke.

Do bats frighten you? Never seen one in real life haha.

Are you a KPOP fan? Yep, I'm an old school fan, I got into it in about 2008 before it got big outside SK. I love all the older girl groups like Girls' Generation, f(x), After School, 2NE1, Wonder Girls etc.

Were you anyone’s first kiss? Yes, and he was mine!

Will you keep your last name when you get married? -

Are you biracial? I'm white, so no.

What is your most expensive piece of clothing? Good question, maybe a jacket of some sort?

Have you ever started a rumor? Yes, but it was just a joke and nobody really believed it.

Color of your bedspread? Right now it's grey, but it's two sided, the other side is black.

Do you have a piggy bank? Yes.

Did you ever skip a grade or get held back a grade? No.

What’s your favorite rock band? Queen or The Beatles?

What color(s) eyeshadow do you wear the most? None.

Do you identify with any organized religion? No, I'm an atheist.

Have you read the book 13 Reasons Why or watched the show? No.

What is the sexiest part of the opposite sex’s body? Depends on the person, but in general, I love muscly arms and shoulders.

Are you confrontational? Depends.

Who was the last person you know (or that you know of) that died? Zoe :(

Does your first crush know that he/she was your first crush? Yes.

Do you like your butt? I have basically no butt.

Have you ever been to a night club? Yep.

Do you believe in reincarnation? No.

Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? -

Do you use any styling products on your hair? No.

Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? Not really.

Do you use the Facebook chat often? Yep, all the time.

Do you own a robe? What color is it? No.

Who ended your last relationship? He did.

Have you ever been engaged? No.

Do you have any bug bites on you right now? If so, where? No.

What is the biggest problem in your life right now? My widsom teeth, they're annoying me.

How many pets do you have? None.

Do you like tomatoes? I love tomato sauce xD

When was the last time you shaved your legs? I do it every week in the shower.

Do you have any exes your parents never liked? Oh yeah, quite a few cos of all my older exes.

Are you a fast or a slow eater? Neither, I'm just average I think.

What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? Hmm, not sure.

Have you ever run from the police? No.

What does your wallet look like? I don't use one.

Do you have any hickeys on you? No.

If you had a son right now, what would you name him? I don't want kids, but if I did, I'd name him Nathaniel.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Yep.

Have you ever done ballet? No.

When was the last time you consumed alcohol? A couple of weeks ago.

Are you interested in creative writing of any sort? Yes.

Are any of your friends virgins? No.

Who is the funniest person you know? Ngawari, David or my boyfriend.

Are you overweight? No.

Ever had a black eye? Yes.

Last person to cuddle with? My boyfriend.

Have you ever lost a friend to drugs or alcohol? No.

Have you ever read a play outside of school? No.

Do you listen to music while you sleep? No, it has to be quiet.

Do you sell any products? If so, what? No.

Do you own a bobblehead? No.

Do you like scrambled eggs? Not really, but they're ok.

What is currently happening that is scaring you? Dunno.

What was the last movie you saw and who did you watch it with? I have no idea actually, I don't watch movies much.

Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? Yes, and yes lol.

Have you ever snuck out of your house? Yep, as a teenager.

Can you do any impressions? I can try lol.

Have you ever been kicked out of a public place? Why? My friends and I got kicked out of a nightclub once cos my friend was high and managed to fall asleep in this super loud club with music booming. The bouncers figured out she was high as hell and booted all of us lmfao.

Do you have any important anniversaries you celebrate? Yes.

Do you know how to use a DSLR camera? Dunno.

#survey #surveys #random survey #personal survey

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admiralatthebowofnails · 2 years

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TW: Self-harm, suicide

Today is the one-year anniversary of a major loss for me. During the pandemic I made friends with a teenager I met online. She reminded me in many ways of myself at her age and like me she suffered from suicidal ideations.

We became very close over the 9ish months we knew each other, messaging back and forth at least every six hours round the clock. I encouraged her to seek help for her mental health, as well as the factors causing it to deteriorate further, but to no avail.

At one point her mother found our conversation. Among other things, she learned about her daughter's suicidal thoughts. Instead of getting her help, she told her she was selfish for having them. That weekend her parents watched her closely, but things quickly went back to normal.

She was cutting herself, and it got progressively worse. One night we were messaging and she lost so much blood that both of us thought it was the end.

I was so relieved to hear from her the next morning. I hoped the close call would scare her away from the idea for a while. Maybe even convince her to talk to someone. No such luck; she started cutting again that day at school.

That was when I'd finally had enough. I knew if she got home she might manage to end her life and I had no sure way of contacting her parents. I had just enough information to track down her school, so I called them to report what was going on. I also told her I was going to call them.

She was shocked I'd found her school, and understandably pissed that I made that call. She hasn't spoken to me since they pulled her out of class to address the situation.

I don't regret calling them. I'll never regret having prevented her from taking her life. I also understand how betrayed she felt by me doing so.

I will always love her. She was like a daughter to me and always will be. I miss her dearly and still think about her often. All I can do now is hope she's safe and getting the help she deserves.

If you've gotten to this point, please know that however horrible things are right now, they do get better. I know everyone says that. It probably won't happen right away, but it's true. I've been in that dark place. I know it feels like no one really cares and that sooner or later they will be fine without you. Maybe even better off. They won't. Losing you will devastate them in a way there's no coming back from.

Hug your kids extra tight tonight. Nuzzle your pets until they can't stand it. Tell the people you love just how much they mean to you. You can't know what will happen tomorrow and you don't know what's going on in their heads.

Please, please, please, if you're experiencing mental illness, especially with suicidal ideations, reach out. There are people in your life who will help you. The people who love you don't want to lose you. Seek therapy if there's any way you can. It's one of the best investments I've made in my life. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It means you're taking care of yourself, just like you would go to a hospital if you were physically sick.

US Suicide Hotline (call or text): 988

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boldlyvoid · 3 years

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Million Dollar Man | Chapter Four

18+

summary: Spencer's therapist recommended he branch out and meet new people who don't want to talk about his work... she didn't expect him to sign up for a Sugar Daddy website.

Content warnings: sugar daddy!spencer, age gaps (14 years), daddy kink, blow jobs, kissing, discussion of previous sexual relationships with older men (big age gaps), kink talks, cum play, praise, oral (female receiving), fingering, 69ing... its really dirty i hope i got it all

word count: 3.8k

a/n: updates on Wednesdays and Saturdays

Chapter Four | Masterlist

Waking up beside Spencer is an absolute blessing, he is the most tender and loving man in the whole world and she’s never going to get enough of him. He snuggles so tight, he holds her just right and he’s just big enough that she fits against him like she’s always supposed to have been there.

Her alarm goes off at 10:30 and he doesn’t even budge, she struggles to get out of his grasp to turn it off before he just pulls her right back in.

“I could get used to this,” she coo’s as she relaxes back into his embrace.

He kisses the back of her neck and one of his hands cups her breast. He runs his nose along her skin as he takes it all in, “I can come back every night.”

“Okay,” she smiles at the thought. “Are you coming with me to Brookfield today?”

He hums, “I have something to pick up first but I’ll be back to pick you up.”

“Do you want to meet Craig?” She asks nervously, knowing he knows.

“I’m not sure,” he’s honest. “It’s weird thinking he’s slept with you and he has a thing for my mother.”

“As weird as it was, I don’t regret it, he was really lonely after Patsy died and hadn’t slept with anyone in years,” she explains it again to him, it’s easier than the first time.

“I’m not judging you,” he whispers before kissing her again.

“I know,” she rolls over while still in his grip, pressing her chest against his and kissing him quickly before remembering her own rule, “pretend it’s still dark out.”

He laughs, “was he at least good to you?”

“Are you really asking me if the old man I fucked was good in bed?” She rolls her eyes with a laugh, “it was fine, I was used to just laying there and taking it back then.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes for her past experiences knowing he can change them and that she's content with them, “can I make it up to you?”

“It's not my birthday,” she teases him once more.

“Then why are you in your birthday suit?” He kisses her neck as her back arches, giving him the access to do whatever he pleased.

This was her favourite part of sleeping with him, he was handsy and he kissed everywhere. He was so tentative, he was gentile and sensual and she loved him. The way he kissed her body, his hands on her back as she arched, grinding against him as his leg slipped between hers.

“Daddy?” She’s already breathless as she anticipates whatever he’s going to do to her.

He hums, “what baby?”

“Can we try something?” She looks at him with puppy dog eyes, wanting more of him and knowing exactly how to get it.

“What?” He looks from her eyes to her lips and back.

She smirks, “lay back?”

He does as she asks and she makes a quick move to straddle him, reverse cowgirl, and it makes him gasp. He hooks his arms under her legs and pulls her hips towards his face as she grips his cock at the base.

She’s never done this before, excited to finally experience her two favourite things at once, with her favourite person. Taking him in one go down her throat as far as she can, he moans against her thigh as he works his way towards her dripping core.

He pulls her in closer, burying his tongue inside of her as she swirls her tongue around the head of his cock, stroking what doesn’t fit in her mouth. She moans around him as he sucks her clit into his mouth. When he slides a finger into her, she gasps as she runs her tongue along the shaft, “more please, daddy?”

He adds a second finger and curls it with each thrust, she strokes him in time with his fingers rubbing her tongue on the slit, pushing him closer and closer and closer until he’s moaning into her cunt as he finger fucks her relentlessly.

She cums on his face with a quake, her whole body shaking as she sucks one of his balls into her mouth and keeps jerking him. He cums over her hand then, finally releasing her clit from his mouth, they both sigh as they come down from their highs.

She rolls off him, feet on her pillow and hand cupping her own breast as she tries to catch her breath, “yeah, I can get used to waking up next to you.”

—

“Bullshit!”

Y/N reaches for the apparent 3 4’s that Craig dropped in the pile, filling them to see he was indeed truthful and handing them to Diana. “You’re slacking today.”

“I do so much better when I don’t know who he is,” Diana smirks as she takes the cards.

“Speaking of,” she smiles to herself as she looks through her own cards, “your son, Spencer, is coming to see you today.”

“How do you know that?”

“I might be dating Spencer,” she scrunches her face in anticipation of her reaction.

“Really?”

She nods, a smile building on her face as she starts to feel a bit flustered, “yeah, I met him last year and we’ve been friends for a while but it’s getting serious, so I thought I’d tell you.”

She’s quiet as she thinks about it and Y/N’s anxiety goes to full blast, “I’m so sorry.”

“Why?” Diana asks.

“For not telling you and pretending I don’t know him,” she's quick with her response. “He knows we know each other from your notes but we didn’t talk about it until last night, I feel so bad keeping that from you but I've known him the whole time.”

“I was going to introduce you to each other in the hopes you would take care of him, you’re wonderful and he needs someone who he doesn’t have to look after. I’ve thought you would be good for him for quite a while actually,” Diana compliments her with a smile. “Try calling bullshit on that.”

It makes her laugh, leaning over into Diana’s space as she wrapped her arms around Y/N, “well as good as I am to him, he’s even better to me.”

Holding Diana was nice, she missed her moms so much that it was a good substitute until she saw her own again.

“How did you meet?”

Y/N pulls back with a stutter, “uh, well we met online actually and he took me to dinner and we got to talking and we’ve been really good friends for a while, he uh, he’s the reason I’m getting my book published.”

“Really?” She blinks a few times the way Spencer does when he tries to absorb information.

She wasn’t dumb, she knew her son had money and he was a lot older than her and that meeting on the internet isn’t as innocent as it sounds.

“He’s my best friend.”

She smiles again, “that’s the key to a successful relationship.”

Craig was quiet the whole time, staring at his cards and drinking his water while they talked. “For what it’s worth,” he adds, “I think he’s lucky to have you, you’re a good woman.”

Y/N’s so busy looking at Craig with a smile that she doesn’t notice Spencer walk-in or the way Diana gleams at him. He walks up behind her and rests his chin on her shoulder, “Hey, pretty woman.”

She jumps slightly before laughing, he wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek quickly, “hey mom,” he makes his way from Y/N to Diana.

Hugging her quickly before coming to sit beside Y/N again, he notices Craig too and waves, “nice to meet you as well, sir.”

She analyzes his face as he looks at Craig, worried that he’s going to go full alpha male and start a fight or something crazy like her old boyfriends would. But he smiles and he’s calm, he holds her hand and they play another few rounds of cards and it's like they’ve all been friends for years.

Visiting hours are about to come to an end when Spencer finally brings it up, “how would you feel if I moved to LA for a little while?”

She’s really confused, “are you getting a transfer at work?”

“No, Y/N has a job offer and I’d like to go with her,” he’s honest with his mom, it’s easier than with anyone else. “I’ll travel here whenever you need me, and once a week just to say hello.”

“Or I can finally go back to Vegas,” she says it like she’s been thinking about it for a while. “I miss my friends and my sister, Spencer.”

“And I’m thinking about moving there as well so my pneumonia isn’t as bad this winter,” Craig adds, sitting closer to Diana than before and taking her hand.

Spencer looks very uncomfortable and Y/N can feel it radiating off him, “my moms are also in Vegas, it would be nice for all of you to be close.”

“I think that would be nice,” Spencer agrees, “and then we can just take a short trip to Vegas once a week to visit with you.”

“That would be lovely,” Diana smiles, “even on my bad days I don’t forget who Craig is to me, I know he’s my best friend in here and I’m really glad you’re comfortable with this.”

Spencer smiles, it’s awkward for him to know everything that he knows, and by the way Craig looks at him, he knows Spencer knows.

“Please, just take care of her,” is all Spencer has to say to him. “I’ve already been to prison once.”

“Spencer,” Diana scolds him while trying not to laugh at the absurdity.

“I’m kidding,” he smiles, “I’m happy that you’re happy.”

“It’s only taken us 30 years,” she reaches out a hand for Spencers, “but we did it.”

It’s a beautiful moment that Y/N gets to witness, she holds a hand to her heart as Spencer wraps his arms around his mom. She was doing amazing, she was happy and even happier that Spencer was happy.

“We did it,” Spencer agrees, holding her close, always a mama’s boy at heart.

—

They stop at his apartment on the way home, he needed some things for the next 2 days and his suitcase for this weekend. His apartment was always so dark and cold, the green was beautiful but it was far too sad. It didn’t feel like Spencer, it didn’t have his energy or personality, it was just a few walls and a bunch of books.

She sits on his couch and touches her necklace, remembering when he gave it to her and how she thanked him. He was rummaging around in his room without her, leaving her with time to just think about sucking him off on this couch, being between his legs, the feeling of him in her mouth, knowing she already had him this morning but she still wants him again.

She gets up from her seat and walks into his bedroom, pushing him up against the wall, he’s a little startled but he smirks, “what?”

“Is there a word for ravenous for dick?” She teases.

“Horny,” he responds with a giggle, “ovulating? Frustrated, deprived, desperate... slut.”

“I like the last 2 together.”

“What else do you like?” He whispers as she leans in to brush their noses together, “we’ve never discussed your needs, you’ve always just asked about mine, but this isn’t all about me.”

“It was when you were paying me,” she rationalizes, “I’m pretty basic, I’ll try anything once.”

“But what do you like the most?”

“You,” she’s honest. “How big you are for one, the fact you can just throw me around like a rag doll if you wanted… I like your hands, and your mouth and I like how you talk, I like how sweet you are, I like how we could do the dirtiest fucking things in the whole world with each other. I like that we could do the roughest, kinkiest and most intense scenes and yet I’m completely safe with you.”

He swallows and his Adam's apple bobs right in her view, she can’t help herself from kissing his neck, licking along the pulse point before sucking a deep purple mark into his skin, “what do you like besides me?”

“Praise,” she whispers.

“Good girl.”

“Mild degradation,” she kisses his neck again and starts to unbutton his shirt. “Spanking, raw missionary and messy kisses,” every new thing comes with a kiss as her hands reach down to palm him through his slacks, “pleasing my partner, knowing you get off to me, watching, being watched, belonging to you.”

He takes her chin in his hands and makes her look up at him, “in what sense?”

“Mark me, claim me, breed me,” she whispers and his eyes darken, she swears there is a growl that leaves his throat.

“I want everyone to know I’m yours, show everyone who I belong to, let everyone know only you can please me and show them that no one is better for me than my daddy.”

“You’re evil saying all this knowing I'm not going to fuck you yet,” his voice has never been this low, his eyes are black and the grip he has on her is so tight it makes her gasp.

“You asked,” she smirks, “and if you expect me to be an obedient little submissive, you’re very wrong. "

He gulps and the mood changes very quickly.

"I’m a brat and I’m a switch, and I have more control here than you do.” She tightens her grip around his cock and he whimpers, “that’s what I thought.”

She undoes his button and takes him out, licking her palm while making eye contact with him, she then wraps her hand around him and pumps up and down his shaft. Gathering his precum that’s collected from simply listening to her, his hand on her chin had made its way into her hair and his other grips her hip tighter than ever before.

“I want to fuck all day long,” she whispers, leaning in more and brushing her bottom lip against his, “I want you to come and find me when you’re bored and just bend me over and take me, I want to just sit on your lap while to read and ride you, I want to fall asleep with you deep inside me and wake up full of your cum.”

He tosses his head back against the wall, groaning as she slows her movements. She drags her hand up, squeezing at the head as he thrusts back into her hand, all she can think about is how good it’s going to be when he’s pushing inside of her, not just in her fist.

“Does it feel good, daddy?” She teases him again, “are you thinking about my tight little pussy? Hmm?”

“Gonna cum,” he whispers.

“I don’t think that's how you ask.”

His hips sputter as he fucks her hand, “please, mommy?”

It’s so unexpectedly hot she clenches around nothing, aching for him with how horny she is, she drops to the floor, wrapping her mouth around the head, he cums within seconds. She pumps every last drop onto her tongue before standing and connecting their mouths once more, swapping his cum back into his own mouth, but he doesn’t swallow.

He simply picks her up and tosses her onto the bed, pulling her jeans and panties down and off one leg to expose her dripping pussy. He lifts her hips and spreads her open, running a finger over her clit before spitting his own cum into her.

It’s such a sight, she gasps at the feeling. It’s so hot and wet and then he’s pushing it in with two fingers and fucking them into her. Rubbing her clit at the same time, she cums by surprise, it’s so intense all she can do is grip her breasts and wrap her legs around him for support. She trembles, moaning and whining as he keeps going, curling his fingers just right to rub her g-spot and keep the sensation roaring as long as she lets him.

She lives in the feeling as long as possible before it starts to get to be too much, “okay,” she’s breathless and exhausted, lying there with her eyes closed when he pulls his fingers out of her, falling asleep from how relaxed her whole body is.

—

Spencer was in her bathroom brushing his teeth for the night while she slipped into her PJs.

She felt giddy, like a kid on Christmas Eve, thinking about how exciting tomorrow would be that the prospect of sleeping seemed almost impossible. She couldn’t wait to hold him and snuggle him and feel the way he kisses her shoulder when he rolls over. She loves him so much that sleeping beside him is almost more important to her than anything else they do together.

Because when he sleeps, his guard is down. When he sleeps beside someone, it’s because he’s truly and fully safe with them. He’s told her about all the people he’s slept with, how many of them didn’t stay the night and how many he’s walked out on. She knows he’s not a fan of sleepovers from his childhood and he’s never been in a long-term relationship to even consider sharing a bed with someone before her.

In the beginning, he didn’t want to sleep beside her because he knew he’d catch feelings, she understood and so they bought a pull-out couch for her apartment. He would sleep in her living room and she would lay awake in her bed thinking about how much better it would be if she could cuddle with him until she drifted off to sleep.

She crawls into her bed and watches the bathroom door as she rubs hand lotion into her skin, hoping he actually comes back to her like he promised and doesn’t retreat to the living room. She smiles at him when the door opens and his sight goes right to her wrists as she smoothes the lotion over her skin.

“I forgot to give you your present today,” he gasps and rushes to his suit jacket in the closet.

He comes back to bed with another box, “how much jewellery are you going to buy me?”

“Two more of the gifts are jewellery,” he smiles as he opens the box for her.

It’s a silver bracelet with diamonds and Rubys in a heart shape, like the necklace in pretty woman turned into a bracelet. It’s so pretty she doesn’t know how to react, “you’re crazy, you know that?”

He nods with a smile, “crazy for you.”

“Don’t,” she raises her brows with her pointer finger raised, shushing him. “You know what being all lovey-dovey does to me, and I'm tired.”

It makes him laugh, “I’m just going to leave this on the dresser.”

She takes it from him and stops him from getting up, “no, I’ll just leave it on here, just get into bed, please?” She moves it to her night table and pulls the sheets back so he can get into bed with her. She turns off the lamp on her night table and watches him lay back on his side of the bed.

She snuggles into his chest and places her face in the crook of his neck. Holding him as close as humanly possible, he smells like home and safety.

“I love you so much, Spencer,” she whispers it, feeling very needy and emotional and she has no idea why.

He simply kisses the top of her head while soothing his hand over her back, “I love you just as much, Y/N.”

It was rare for them to use each other's real names, so much of their time together was spent in silence but when it wasn’t, they referred to each other with a long list of different pet names. It made it less personal, it kept their real lives separate and created a world where they just existed with each other.

A world where he wasn’t Spencer Reid with 3 PH.D.s, a drug problem and a sick mother. When he was with her he was just a guy who liked to explore. He was her buddy who took her to museums and concerts, he was her daddy who held her hand when they walked to the park together to play chess, he was her sweetheart on nights when he cried and needed some love.

Tonight he’s just Spencer.

He’s everything he’s been before and nothing like his old self all at the same time. He’s constantly having a breakthrough, he’s broken through ceilings of grief and trauma, grown past the names he’s been called and adjusted to the fact this is how his life is and he's not as evil as he thinks he is.

He’s happy and content. He’s so much different now than how he was when she met him and while he likes to thank her for that, he always had the power to get here. It was a long road to recovery, he just happened upon her on the path and brought her along for the journey and now she’s never going to leave him.

“Are you crying?” He asks, bringing her back to reality to notice that yes, she is indeed crying.

She nods and sniffles, wiping her tears with his t-shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired.”

“Hey,” he pets her hair and waits for her to look up at him. “What do you say when I apologize for crying?”

“Don’t apologize, your feelings are important to feel so you can move past them,” she whispers the mantra her parents raised her on, something that really helped him.

“I'm not crying because I’m hurting,” she whispers. “I’m crying because you’re not anymore.”

“What?”

She realizes it comes out weird, “I’m proud of you, and I’m happy that I get to love you now.”

“How long have you loved me?” There’s a small sadness in his voice like he wishes he could have moved faster for her.

“Since you told me you’d help me get my book published just for going to museums with you,” she whispers, “because you saw me as talented and worthy of greatness and you wanted to help me succeed instead of wanting to pay me to suck your dick in a more legal way.”

“I was in it for a friend,” he’s said it before, “it was easier to pay someone to hang out with me than stumble across someone who would understand me this well.”

“I can’t imagine you just going to a park and striking up conversations with someone,” she laughs, “I think it was just meant to happen like this.”

He sighs, “I’d do it again.”

“What?” She’s too tired and sad to follow his train of thought.

“I’d go through all the pain and trauma again, exactly the same way if it brings me right back here. Right to you.”

She pulls back from his neck and connects her lips to his faster than ever before, kissing him deeply as she cries again.

“I love you,” she whispers against his lips between kisses, he whispers it right back.

Permanent tag list:

@g0lden-cth @doctorspenceryeet @samuel-de-champagne-problems @reiding-recs @shemarmooresfedora @reidsfish @manuosorioh @mochionly @jswessie187 @k-k0129 @blanchardsbk @idonotexiste @measure-in-pain @dreams-in-blxck @doc-padfoot @nomajdetective @xoxospencerreid @mggswhorificlover @dinonuggets1967 @meganskane @encyclo-reid-ia @kya-li @reidsbookclub @muffin-cup @sassymoon @shirleyrose @reidsacademia @this-is-doctor-and-its-calm @spooky-goob @anaagraceeberr @idonotexiste

Sugar daddy fic

@mggs-sidehoe @bakugouswh0r3 @mggskneescrews @moonlight-2-6 @spencerreidscumwhore @my-thoughts-are-weird @violetclifford @youabitchhhh @bunny-script @baby-i-am-fireproof @moondustmemories @rexorangecouny @minervaonmars @onlyhereforthefanfics @anonymous-reading @go2sleepducky @beepbooptoop @emma-is-a-nerd

@ne--yo-pets @valerieweasley @coldlilheart @andiebeaword @bingereid

some just wont tag no matter what I do, idk why tho

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #mdm #sugar daddy spencer

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anarmorofwords · 3 years

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Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.

Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.

Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.

If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.

But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.

If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.

Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?

Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.

I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.

Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.

Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.

By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.

Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.

I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?

*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.

hi!!

alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.

that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.

back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)

I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.

I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/

And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.

White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.

So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.

Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.

As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.

As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.

Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.

Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.

I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.

* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.

* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon

#the last hours #tlh #alastair carstairs #shadowhunters #the shadowhunter chronicles #anti charles fairchild #is this anti anna?#kamala joshi #ariadne bridgestock #chain of iron #chain of gold #spilling the tea

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princesssarisa · 3 years

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After sharing that Under the Umbrella Tree Halloween special, I've been thinking back to that series as a whole. I've particularly been comparing and contrasting it with Lamb Chop's Play-Along, which I've sometimes seen it likened to online. Both were classic late '80s/early '90s children's shows that revolved around a human woman and three animal puppets (two male, one female) living together, with the puppets as childlike characters and the woman as their mother figure. But I think it's interesting to compare the differences in the character dynamics of the two shows.

Lamb Chop, Charlie Horse and Hush Puppy were more prone to humorously bickering, teasing each other and driving each other crazy than Umbrella Tree's Gloria Gopher, Jacob Bluejay and Iggy Iguana were. The latter three occasionally bickered, but in general they got along better. The Lamb Chop puppets could also be sassier to Shari than the Umbrella Tree puppets ever were to Holly, and Shari was no slouch at sassing back. Holly definitely lacked Shari's sass! Shari was also more prone to giving the puppets child-appropriate punishments – grounding them, sending them to their rooms, or reducing their allowances – when they misbehaved. When Gloria, Iggy or Jacob misbehaved, Holly would lecture them, but she almost never punished them – the only two times I remember her doing so were in the episode where they played baseball too close to the house and broke a window, so she confiscated their baseball, and in the half-hour "Baseball Fever" special, where as the umpire she made Jacob sit out three innings of the game after he threw a tantrum. At the same time, though, Shari was more openly affectionate to her puppets than Holly usually was. She called them "my darlings" and motherly pet names like that. Holly was also warm and loving, but in more of a teacher-like or babysitter-like way: the strongest term of endearment she ever called them was "little friends."

I suppose we could offer a few different explanations for these differences (e.g. Canadian politeness vs. New York brashness, and the fact that Lamb Chop's tone was more comedic and "showbiz" while Umbrella Tree was more slice-of-life): but I think it mainly came down to one difference. Holly, Gloria, Iggy and Jacob acted like friends, while Shari, Lamb Chop, Charlie Horse and Hush Puppy acted like family.

Even though Shari's puppets called her "Shari," not "Mom," she still called them "my kids," she was shown in flashbacks to have raised them from infancy, and despite being different species the puppets referred to themselves as siblings. Umbrella Tree, on the other hand, had Holly and the three puppets call themselves "roommates." The flashback episodes revealed that they only met and came to live together fairly recently, and the puppets each had families of their own who lived elsewhere: I remember the Mother's Day special where Iggy's mom came to visit. Shari gave her puppets both more open affection and more discipline because she was their mother, Lamb Chop and her "brothers" shared both sibling closeness and sibling rivalry, and they all teased and sassed each other the way close family members do. (I'm sure the fact that Shari herself puppeteered and voiced all three of the puppets contributed to this.) Whereas Holly and the Umbrella Tree gang were best friends who shared an apartment and that was how they behaved.

I think that difference is interesting to notice in two shows with outwardly similar setups.

For the record, both shows also had a Hanukkah special. But there was one big difference. In Umbrella Tree, the Holly and friends met a Jewish man who taught them about Hanukkah, whereas Shari, Lamb Chop and co. were Jewish themselves and and had their own Hanukkah celebration.

#children's television #lamb chop's play-along #shari lewis #under the umbrella tree #puppets #comparison #'90s #nostalogia

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nothing-was-harmed · 3 years

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Hello. I've officially hit rock bottom. Yay!

I've driven everyone away because I'm complicated. It's so painful. I'm going to try and journal again to get on top of this, though this time, I'm not quite sure if I can. I just had a run of really shitty luck. I got the strength finally to move out of my husband's house. Every time I became consumed my my depression, he called me emotionally manipulative. He told me the reason I had no friends was because of this, that I use this to manipulate them and lock them in. When they realize this, they will leave. I saw a therapist in college who told me my husband was a narcissist. I did a lot of work to deal with this. About a year ago I became very close to a friend who gave me a lot of strength to leave my marriage, someone with depression who understands. We both have times where we were under water and understood that we needed space and then could resume our friendship where we left off. Shortly after I moved out, my husband's father died, I took bereavement time at work so I could be there for my son. A week after I returned to work, my mother died suddenly. Because I took bereavement for my FIL, it was the end of the year and I was our of PTO, if I was to take time off for my mom, it would mostly be unpaid. I found myself in a very dark place. My friend was wonderful and stayed on the phone with me for hours, listening to me cry. Weeks after this happened, he met someone online. It was a concerning situation to ne, as he was talking about moving in and raising her kids after a week, but I was all mildly panicking because I felt like I was losing my support wall. I didn't know how to navigate the situation to express my concern and not sound like I was trying to tank something he was so excited about. Well we haven't invited complex PTSD to the party yet....so let's, shall we? I had something very horrible happen to me as a child. As this is meant to be my therapy, maybe I will get in to it on a later post. My friend, let's give him a name....we'll call him Nate... Nate and I were having a text conversation one morning and he inadvertently said something very triggering. He didn't mean to. He was trying to help. He couldn't have known. I was a fucking mess the rest of the day. I ended up blocking his number....and it wasn't out of meanness....I didn't want him to text me...I couldn't ask, because I didn't want to text him. Anybody with complex PTSD who has been in this state KNOWS this state of pure panic where you just want to hide. After I had calmed down I tried my best to try and explain both what had been said, why it couldn't be said anymore, why the current situation was hurtful....like I feel like I am losing my friend to a weeks long online relationship. I, in the interest of open communication was trying to get it out. Maybe I was still raw. Maybe it was too soon. My friend, my ONE FRIEND responded by saying he was cutting of our friendship.

It was the wrong choice but I told him not to do this, with all that was on my plate, I did my think I could handle one more loss, that it would be the final nail for me. In the time, in the moment, this was a very honest statement.

He said I was being manipulative and then everything clicked. Maybe I was the bad guy all along. Maybe my husband was right, I do use my emotions to manipulative people and keep them in my life. Once they realize it, they leave. I don't want to be that person, but I am. I'm so tired and I'm in so my pain. I feel like I have always been in pain. If someone was in chronic physical pain that could never get under control, no matter what medication you put them on, I can reconcile myself with letting them leave. Why is my situation different? I have tried everything. Nothing fixes it. I have lost enough people in my life to know the pain to others fades, but am I putting them through more right now by being so difficult? Would they want me to suffer? Pain is pain.

#major depression #major depressive disorder #complex post traumatic stress disorder #post traumatic stress disorder #ptsdsupport #depression sucks #depressionsupport #im sad af #i have no friends #i cant even #depressing shit #i lost myself

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yamayuandadu · 3 years

Note

This Ugaritic myth post is honestly one of the best posts I've read those last months, genuinely impressed by your knowledge and dedication '^^ At the risk of sounding basic, may I ask for the same character breakdown for Inanna and Ereshkigal ? These days they are mostly known for their Fate versions but I'm really curious about what their original versions were like.

Inanna: How I feel about this character: I joked a few times that in greek mytholgy i like obscure interpretations of b list figures but in mesopotamian i like the main characters and i feel like this is the prime example of it - in every myth Inanna appears in, the world revolves around her. And it’s refreshing even today to see a female character in a myth who largely acts the same way male heroes do. Weird people online tend to try to recast her as a mother goddess or some innocent “holy virgin” or both often but to me it seems like arguably embracing how she actually is in myths makes for a more empowering image. She’s, simply put, fun to read about. All the people I ship romantically with this character: please read Inanna’s descent to evaluate my expert opinion that Inanna and Ninshubur are in love. I sort of wrote a story about it from Ninshubur’s pov but then felt awkward about it and didn’t post it. I talked about it before but the cameraderie between them reminds me of Gilgamesh and Enkidu - but as far as I can tell while interpreting the latter pair as a couple is common in modern times, nobody even brings Ninshubur up. My non-romantic OTP for this character: since I see Inanna’s descent, Inanna and Enki and Enki and the World Order as the core Inanna myths myself, the answer #1 is Enki - he might not actually be her father but given the similar approach to life both show in myths it’s easy to see him as her mentor at least. My hipster pick is Nininsinna who seems to be well respected by Inanna in a few myths. My unpopular opinion about this character: I don’t really care about Dumuzi. The love poems are nice and all but Dumuzi has the personality and charm of a faceless dating sim self insert in most myths he appears in. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: I wish there were more wacky adventure myths involving her and Ninshubur. There are the two I linked but I feel like the formula could work over and over and over again. Ereshkigal How I feel about this character: she sure is an underworld goddess with little cultic relevance... I don’t think she’s boring though, and the Nergal myth highlighting that she’s lonely and bitter because of it gives her a very human dimension. All the people I ship romantically with this character: only Nergal since I think for a modern audience in general - and for me specifically - the appeal of that myth lies in part in the fact they don’t really seem compatible with anyone else but instantly clicked together when they met. My non-romantic OTP for this character: Geshtinanna is described as acting as an underworld scribe while she spends the promised 6 months there in place of her brother Dumuzi, so I imagine Ereshkigal views her as her friend. Gesthinanna probably isn’t aware of it. My unpopular opinion about this character: there used to be a trend in scholarship back in the day which tried to make her into a Persephone paralel by inventing myths that don’t exist, not a fan of it - and it turns her from a middle aged professional (she’s Inanna’s -older- sister!) into a lost young girl which is lame. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: the two major myths she appear in form a coherent narrative but I wish there was something describing her whereabouts after marriage, and maybe interactions with other family members like Utu and Nanna.

#kingcorsica

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leelee10898 · 5 years

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Fast cars & Freedom: Little wonders (6/?)

Summary: Ellie and Luca spend some quality time with both Logan and Colt. Will they behave?

Pairing: Logan x Ellie, Colt x Ellie

Rating: Mature.

AN: Ok, a little fluff here and there, some steamy stuff too... I got a little carried away here at 2,900 words!! Catch up HERE. As always if you would like to be added to the tag list, let me know!

Song inspiration:

Ellie walked into the house, flopping herself on the couch. “So, how'd it go?” Riya asked.

“Well, he's coming to the beach with us.” Riya made a face “Yikes! How do you think that's going to go?”

“I don't know, good I hope. I shouldn't have invited him along, but I just wanted them both to meet her. I mean really meet her, in Colt's case. Not just a run in at the farmers market.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Ellie sat up, usually when Riya said that, she didn't like what she was going to be asked “Ok. Sure.” she hesitantly answered.

“Why are you going to have them meet her before the paternity test? Isn't that setting one up to be hurt when the results come in?”

Ellie sat there staring at her best friend, she was right. Of course she was right, and that was the logical thing to do. “Well, Logan asked to meet her. And Colt, well he has already met her and wants to get to know her. I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time.” she let out a frustrated sigh.

“And what about them? How are you going to handle being around them both? I know you still care for them.�� Riya gave her a knowing look.

“Ri this isn't about me, it's about Luca knowing her father. My feelings dont matter right now.” that was a lie, or a half lie at least. As soon as she saw the both of them, her feelings came flooding back.

They spent the night hanging out, talking and playing some board games with Luca. Ellie got Luca to sleep and then laid down herself. They were all meeting at the beach and her nerves were a wreck. She tossed and turned before finally falling asleep. But her dreams were running wild.

********

Her fingers trailed long the jukebox key, scrolling for the perfect song. She pressed her selection as Logan quirked his brow grabbing her hand pulling her close. “Very fitting song, seeing as you're spending your evening with a dangerous criminal.”

“The only thing Dangerous about you are those totally kissable lips.” She smirked as she leaned in.

They swayed together, it was only the two of them in that moment. “Have you thought about going back to school?” she cooed into his ear.

“Eh I don't know, having to sit in a school all day, abiding by someone's rules. That's the reason I dropped out in the first place.”

She lifted her head from his shoulder “Logan, there are other ways to get your diploma. Night school for one. You could even do it online. Just, think about it ok?”

He leaned down, placing a soft kiss on her lips. “For you, I'd move the stars in the sky.”

**********

“Mommy. Mommy.” her eyes flew open, pulling her from the dream. “Luca? What's the matter sweetie?” Luca stood before her, tears in her her eyes. “I had a bad dream.” she sniffled. Ellie picked her up and laid her in bed next to her. Luca snuggled up next to her as she rubbed her hair, Ellie began to hum a sweet melody, it was one her mother used to sing her.

Lavender's green, dilly, dilly

Lavender's blue

If you love me, dilly, dilly

I will love you

It didn't take long before they were both sound asleep.

Ellie woke the next morning and crept down the stairs. “Morning” her dad said coffee in hand, he slid another towards her. “Morning. What time did you get in last night?” Ellie smirked, knowing it had to be very late. “Ah 1am? We were talking and the time just got away from us.” Her father couldn't wipe the smile off his face, she was so happy for him. After her mother died, he refused to date. He put all of his energy into raising her and working, but in recent years he started to dip his feet in the dating pool.

“So, you all ready for your beach trip with Logan today?” he asked as he took a seat next to her at the kitchen table. “Well, I sort of invited Colt along.” she shrugged, a new development her father hadn't been made privy to. “COLT!?” Her father choked on his coffee. “Yeah, We sort of ran into him at the farmers market yesterday. He ah. Met Luca,” she sipped her coffee, avoiding eye contact. “Oh there's jerky for you.” she tried changing the subject. Her father had been hell bent on her telling them since Luca was born, he hated that Ellie was solely responsible for Lucas care and there were 2 able bodied men out there somewhere. “Well, its about damn time I say.” She rolled her eyes, and went upstairs to get Luca ready.

They arrived at the beach a short time later, they un packed the car and found a spot on the beach waiting for Logan and colt to arrive. Ellie hadn't told Luca that both Colt and Logan would be joining them, so it was going to be a surprise. Logan was the first to arrive. With butterflies in his stomach he trudged across the sand in a pair of swim trunks and a t-shirt. “Hey troublemaker.” He grinned as he approached. “Hey Logan.” she gave him a hug “Ready to meet her?” he nodded as they turned towards Luca “Sweetie I want you to meet somebody. This is Logan, one of mommy's old friends. Logan, this is Luca.” Luca quirked her little brow, “Hi Logan. Are all of mommy's old friends boys?”

“Ahhhh.” He looked at Ellie confused, just then they heard the sound of a loud motorcycle pull up. “We ah, ran into Colt at the farmers market yesterday. He knows.” longan shook his head “Got ya. This should be fun.” she pushed him. “Play nice, I've already warned him.” He gave her a lopsided smile “Yes mom.”

Colt approached the group. “Hi El.” he hugged her. His eyes locked on Logan “Logan.” he put his hand out, Logan grasped it firmly. “Hi Colt.” “Is that your motorcycle?” Luca approached awe struck. “Yes it is. Do you like motorcycles?” Luca shook her head “Yup. They go fast, I like fast stuff, it's fun.” Both men shared a grin, and then looking at Ellie who shook her head “Yeah, she does. Cars too. Do you see where it gets confusing for me?”

“Can we play now?” Luca whined, bored of the conversation. “Sure, what do you want to play?” Logan asked. “How about sandcastles? Will you guys help me? I need a lot of water and my little arms can't carry it alll the way up here.” Colt snickered, she definitely had Ellie's dramatic flare. “Of course we can.” Colt answered as they started walking towards an open spot next to them. “um Colt, Logan. You're going to get all sandy, you need to be beach ready.” She snapped.

Ellie watched the two men be ordered around, they were practically tripping over themselves to help her. And then Logan stripped his shirt off, Ellies gaze traveled his chest. He was still so toned and firm, she wasn't sure it was possible for him to look any better than he used to, but damn if he wasn't. Her eyes snapped to the side of him to where colt was removing his shirt and jeans. Ellie couldn't help but gawk as her eyes feasted over yet another perfectly sculpted body.

Colts shoulders were a bit broader than they used to be but he still looked like a tan god standing in front of her. She swore she was drooling, but for the life of her she couldn't stop staring. How was it fair that time had only made them hotter? She was thicker than she used to be. After she had Luca, she filled out in many areas, making her a little self conscious.

So here she stood, unable to move or blink, she didn't hear the kid down the beach hollering heads up, just as a volleyball hit her in the side of the head. “Are you ok Ellie?” Logan shouted “Yeah, im fine.” she shouted back. A cuckling Colt ran forward collecting the ball. He reached down scooping it up.

“See something you like?” He shot her a wink as he threw the ball back, and went back playing with Luca and Logan. Ellie sat down in her chair, catching some sun her mind wandering back..

*******

She had just walked downstairs to grab a drink of water. It was hot up in the loft. She heard some noises and grunts coming from the garage area. She crept out to see who it was. She stopped in the doorway seeing Colt working on his bike. He stood ripping off his shirt and tossing it on the tool box behind him. She watched as his glistening sweat covered muscles flexed with each motion he made. She leaned against the door frame, marveling in the sight of him. when she met him she couldn't stand him, He was so smug and arrogant, but boy was he was nice to look at.

He stood noticing her there, smirking as he walked towards her, noticing the way she was staring at him. “See something you like?” He said as he walked past her and into the kitchen, washing his hands.

“I ah. It's hot. I mean, up there. Its um, hot.” she stumbled on her words

“You said that already.” He chuckled as he walked up to her grabbing the bottle of water and drinking it.

“You are so infuriating.” she scoffed as he pushed closer to her, his body inches from hers.

“Oh yeah? You gonna do something about that?” he challenged. her eyes locked with his as she reached out and touched his chest. She felt his muscles contract under her touch.

His lips were on hers in an instant. His tongue parting her lips causing a soft moan to escape. They pulled back breathless, their eyes searching each others as they came together again. Her hands lacing his black locks. He backed her up against the fridge knocking several items off the top. His lips left hers placing frantic kisses along her jawline, making their way down her neck as he nipped and gently sucked her pulse point. “Mmmm Colt.” He slipped his hand up her loose tank top, gently caressing her bare chest. His lips were on hers again as her hand reached down softly palming his already stiff length. He moaned out thrusting himself against her hand. “Fuck Ellie, I want you. I want you so bad.”

His lips finding her neck again. “Colt. Please.” Her body ached for his touch.

“Well well well. What do we have here?” They froze in place seeing Mona smirking.

*****

Ellie shook the thought from her head as she watched the three before her building a sandcastle.

“Your side is lopsided Kaneko, what's wrong? Don't you know how to build a sandcastle?” Logan boasted.

“Yeah. Well your side is to dry.” He reached out pushing his finger into the side of Logan's tower. “See, just fell apart.”

“What's Kaneko?” Luca asked

“It's my last name.” Colt smiled at the question.

“Why did Logan call you that?”

“Well, that's what everybody used to call my dad and sometimes me.” Colt answered somberly, Logan gave him a sympathetic look.

They continued to work on the sandcastle, both making little cracks at each other undetected to Luca. “um Colt, what are you doing?” Colt looked at her confused “what is that?” She pointed at the small cannon he constructed in the tower. “This cannon? Oh, its to help defend the castle against intruders.” He grinned clearly pleased with himself. “magical mermaid princess's do NOT have intruders Colt.” Logan snickered “Ok. Ok. No cannons.”

Luca stood up “Ok, it's time for swimming. Mommy, let's go swimming.” Luca yelled running over to Her. Colt and Logan stood up “Ok I still hate you but, the cannon was a nice touch.” Logan whispered, Colt smirked “Next time, we make a mans castle.”

Ellie stood up and shimmied out of her shorts, leaving her tank top on walking towards the water. “Mommy, you left your shirt on. You gotta take it off.” Ellie stood there frozen “Mommy is just going to leave her shirt on ok.”

“Mommy. You don't wear a shirt in the water.” she put her hands on her hips. “Yeah Ellie, what are you chicken?” Logan teased. Ellie rolled her eyes at him lifting her shirt. She noticed their eyes glued to her. Why not have a little fun? She thought taking Lucas hand and walking towards the water, sashaying her hips eith a little extra oomph to show off. Colt and Logan stood there staring. Ellie was beautiful before, but since she had gotten older she matured into a stunning woman.

Logan spoke, his eyes still fixed on her “Dude I still hate you but..”

“Don't even gotta say it man, I know.” Colt replied.

“You guys coming?” Ellied called out. Logan took off running, Colt on his heels. Logan pushed him causing him to lose his balance. Colt stumbled over grabbing Logan's legs as he took him down with him. “Damnit Colt.” Logan grunted. “Don't fucking go there Logan, you pushed me.” he huffed as they scrambled to their feet.

They played around in the water for a while, each taking turns with Luca. Colt had her out in the water, teaching her how to wakeboard, while Logan and Ellie walked along the beach. “So, tell me what you're thinking.” she noticed Logan's far off expression. “oh. Um nothing.” he shrugged her off. “Seriously Logan, its ok. It's a lot to take in, just tell me what you're thinking.” He stopped walking. “Luca is an amazing little girl. I never had a father, the closest thing to a dad I had was Kaneko. What if im not any good. The thought of being a parent is scaring the hell out of me.” Ellie tried not to let the sting of his confession effect her. He only just found out a few days ago, and it is a lot to process. “I understand.”

“Hey,” He took her hand in his “I'm not saying I wouldn't be happy if she is mine, I would be over the moon. I would step up and take care of Luca and you. But, I am ok just being Uncle Logan too. If the odds don't end up weighing in my favor.”

Ellie smiled at him, he had been amazing throughout this whole thing so far, he was sweet, thoughtful, amazing and kind. She reached out cupping his cheek. “Thank you. You have no idea how great it is to hear that.”

Luca and Colt came up “Someone wants ice cream.” Colt announced as the eager little girl danced around in front of them. “How about uncle Logan takes you, is that ok?” Ellie stifled a laugh “Alrighty! Oh yeah! Come on uncle Logan.” she grabbed his hand pulling him towards the concession stand.

Colt gave her a confused look “Uncle Logan?” Ellie smiled and shook her head. “He said he would be content being uncle Logan if she wasn't his.

“Huh. That's mighty big of him.” Colt looked down at the sand.

“Guess he is making light of this awkward situation,” she glanced over at the concession, watching logan carry Luca on his shoulders. “Speaking of, how are you adjusting. You've had less than 24 hours. Its a lot to process.”

“Me?” He pressed his fingers to his chest. “Im fine. Luca is a piece of work, just like her mother.” Ellie giggled “So what about you? Do you think you could be Uncle Colt?” They walked along the waters edge.

“Well, that would be impossible since she's mine.” a smirk tugged on his lips.

“Colt, how are you so sure of this? I have had 6 years to wonder, and 5 of them looking at this little girl swearing one minute she's Logan's, and the other yours.” she started to become upset. the last thing he wanted to do was make her upset.

“Hey, El. Look at me,” He tilted her chin up with his finger. “I would be anything you needed me to be. Father,Uncle, friend. I would do anything you asked of me.” She stared into his deep brown eyes she knew he was telling the truth. She felt herself gravitating towards him, wanting so badly to press her lips against his.

She pulled away quickly, stopping herself from making a big mistake. “Colt..” She breathed out. “Give me a chance Ellie. Let me be the husband you deserve.”

Logan and Luca returned from the concessions, luca completely cover in chocolate Ice cream. “Ok, let's get you washed off, its about time to pack it up for the day.” Ellie reached for her hand leading her back to the water.

They said their goodbyes as Ellie got Luca buckled into the car seat. Telling each of them they could catch up soon. As she drove away she looked at both Logan and Colt in the rearview. She was definitely lying when she said it wasn't about her. One wrong move and she could lose her heart to one-or both- of them again."

Tag:

@kennaxval @hopefulmoonobject @crookedslimecreatorpasta @be-still-my-aching-heart @ao719 @speedyoperarascalparty @riseandshinelittleblossom @cocomaxley @bobasheebaby @ownworldresident @cordoniaqueensworld @indiacater

ROD

@daniv2278 @brightpinkpeppercorn @lovehugsandcandy @going-down-downtown @mercyparkcrew @emichelle @annekebbphotography @powdesiree0816 @walkerismychoice @yesivefallenpreytothechoicestrap @zaira-oh-zaira @sweetest-marbear @simsvetements @zaffrenotes @professorortegasstudent @akrenich @ifyouseekheart @client-327 @choicelogansbitch @choicesarehard @paisleylovergirl @itskismetbb @itsmarleen @rhischoicesfanfics @distinguishedsaladoperawinner @iplaydrake

#fast cars and freedom rod au #choices ride or die #ride or die bad boy romance #colt x ellie #colt kaneko #colt x mc #logan x ellie #logan x mc #logan rod

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wingedzippersportsplaid-blog · 4 years

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So guys where going to teach you what is mobile legends, gameplay tip and tricks. Let's start.

Mobile legends: Bang Bang developed and published by shanghai moontoon. Mobile legends released in 2016.

Mobile legends is a multiplayer (5 users) online battle arena game designed for mobile phones. The two opposing team fight to reach and destroy the enemy base while defending their own based for control of a path the three lanes known as middle, bottom, and top to connect weak computer controlled called minions that fights for the hero and for defending a turrets

In each team there are five players who each control and be grouped into 6 different roles, Marksman, Assassin, Mage, Support, Fighter and Tank.

Marksman- this is the role that gives a lot of damage to the enemy team. High in physical attack and damage but low in health.

Assassin- this is the role that usually hunts the weaker heroes that deals a great advantage to win a clash.

Mage- this is the role that has a magical type of power that gives a lot of damage with the marksman and the assassin. It gives a lot of damage but weaker in physical attack.

Support- this role protects the marksman and take advantage with the enemy heroes. Weak in health.

Fighter- this is the role that helps the team to take advantage and deals a great damage for them to win the clash. High in physical damage.

Tank- this is the role that are responsible in setting the clash in a possible win. High and health but low in physical attack.

GAMEPLAY TIP AND TRICKS

1. Look for the top players in the ranking and research what hero do they usually play, what’s in the meta and what’s their item build. There is no shame in copying someone’s build. You can watch some streamers/youtubers and learn from them as well.

2. Do your dailies and events! Get your medal chest and free chest everyday, you are going to need the resources to improve your gameplay! Don’t forget to check out the event tab everyday for new events.

3. Level up your emblems base on what role you are focusing on. The emblems are quite important, it affects the gameplay especially in the early game.

4. You can buy the Lucky Standard Emblem Chest weekly or Lucky Emblem Pack if you have extra tickets laying around. I wouldn’t recommend buying too much heroes with your gold. Try to get at least Lv.40 emblem on your favorite role.

5. Join an active squad! Make new friends, play with them and have fun. You might pick up some knowledge by playing with different people.

6. Watch some gameplays and tips from Youtubers, this is a good video to begin with.

7. Configure your settings in-game. Try different setting or option and pick the one that suits you the best. Personally, I prefer “Minion and Tower” beside my attack button because it’s very important to control your hero for either attacking hero, minion or tower.

I hope that you enjoyed reading the guide! I’m sure that you will be a better player, maybe even better than me! Whenever you entered a game, remember what you have read here and try to do things differently. I’m sure you will climb to your desired rank in no time if you don’t give up! Thankyou for reading.

Honor in a honor

Being an honor student is not easy you need to be hardworking, perseverance, respect, and also patience. It takes a lot of hardworking and perseverance because it will bring you to success. In my case, smart is not the basis of being a honor student. What if your smart but your not hardworking, perseverance and dont have respect to others all of that are not valuable. If you are not smart but you are pursuing what you want to be, you can get all what you want in your life.

When i am grade 7 student i experience to be bullied by my classmates and feel nervous everytime that my teacher call me in front. The more my classmates taught me, the more my knowledge increased. They bullied me because im small and ugly and that hurts me a lot. When i come home i always carry the sadness cause by the bully of my classmates.

The bullying they were doing pushed me to pursue and to belong in honor student. Their bullying served as a lesson to me and made it my inspiration. As the time passes my teacher told me that i am hardworking and she will give me an honor if i will continue doing this and that make me happy. In the other day when i am going to school i bring smile in everybody and get close to all because of what my teahcer said.

When my teacher calls the honor student i feel shcok because i belong to the honor student. I am so very happy with the result. The hardworking and perseverane that i gave in studying brings a lot of achievement to me, the respect and honor makes my whole life happy. That achievement encourage me to workhard. If we are both the same experience you should always do your best on what you are doing.

Education in to succesful

I chose to study in Francisco P. Tolentino Integrated High School because it is near in our house. Because of it, I don't need transportation so that I can save my allowance. I can also be with my friends anytime I want.

Studying in this school, I've met a lot of friends. I met my true friends. I am thankful of them because I learned how to be with other people. In the middle of the school year, I don't attend classes. Then suddenly, it became one of my habits. I snuck out of the school. Because of it, my mother always go to school to talk with my subject teachers and adviser.

When I was a grade 8 student, I met Joaquin. He taught me a lot of gambling. He taught me how to play digit in the school. I play with him everyday.

After 2 years, I always do what I want. I don't attend my classes because I don't want to study. Months passed by, I realized that I want to study to help my family and relatives. I want to become successful in the future so that I did well in school. I want to become a police someday. I want to help my parents and to build their dream house. I want to help them financially. I want to give them what they want. I want them to be proud of me. Despite of my attitude, I still want to graduate. I want to be better for the future.

I've learned different lessons from our teachers. Although most of it is not easy to do. I was glad that I studied here. I met my friends whom I can hang out with.

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vxnevermorevx · 5 years

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Welcome to my mind

For the last three years, my mind has been... Well, shit. Not that it hadn't been on a steady decline for years prior.

Recently, someone named her Denise. My other me. "Because that's what she is..when something is the opposite of something it's de-. She's not nice, she's De-Nice..."

Denise.

The name give to the me that's not me but spends more time pretending to be me than I do.

*Character Bio*

When I'm not Denise, I'm Ginny and she was the most wonderful person. I miss her dearly.

I had a great childhood. Very few psychological events, in my opinion. We never had much money, but my mom made sure I never knew it. My father worked hard at both his job and destroying his marriage; which is probably one of the marks on my childhood. More to come on that, I'm sure.

I didn't have trouble in school, per se. Bullied only a handful of times in all my school years. My mom is a designer, so I wore things you couldn't find on stores throughout my whole school life. I was *always* ahead of the trend and some kids couldn't handle it. We're talking 1991-2003. So, jumpers, corsets, mesh dusters, pants with fur on the bottom, dressing like anime characters... I was the first of everyone around me to be dressing that way. And I loved it!

But I had my revenge, as my hecklers could be seen wearing the same things they made fun of me for, after it became trendy. I guess you didn't have to be dead to be caught wearing that after all...

I struggled in math and excelled in art and writing. I had mostly good teachers, I think only one hated me.

I met all my best friends there. Can't say I've made all that many more in the years since. But, in my defense I'm surrounded by people who are nothing like me. You see, I grew up in Florida. All my vital youthful years were spent there. And now I live near Portland, Oregon. God, why? I even lost one of my dearest friends to the city. She completely changed from a fun, artistic girl who liked to draw, read, and cook...to...one of them. She's now a guilt vegan ( let's you know how disgusting you are for eating meat ) and is obsessed with shows that need to be cancelled. I had known this girl since first grade, she said she would follow the first friend who loved out of state. That was me, so she came out here too. Our friendship immediately began deteriorating as she would not allow me in my own room during the day, because she was talking to some loser friend of hers online. This person left her in a Walgreen's 20 miles from her home, on the wrong side of town, when we were all barely old enough to drive, because she was taking too long looking at eyeliner. But, she sounds like a solid individual to begin emulating. Are you serious? I watched my fully replacement take effect. 20 years of friendship completely gone in a matter of months. Have you ever watched someone stop carrying about you? Think about it. No, don't think about it. It's awful. She even physically ended our friendship. The first I had ever experienced. It was wrenching. But, I'm too far ahead now. I need to tell you how I got to Oregon.

Somewhere around me being 16, my dad stopped coming home. His mother had recently died and he knew some pretty shitty people willing to help him take the pain away. How does a poor, dyslexic, hoodlum, with a history of abuse cure the blues? Crack, of course. My mom did all she knew how to do, but she was pretty done with it all. They got divorced and some rich old lady "saved" him and whisked him off to Maryland where he would suffer many years of depression for what he had done to his family.

Now, it was just my mother and me. I immediately got a job and gave her my entire paycheck to help keep us in our lovely house. But as fate would have it, the city claimed eminent domain on our house with plans to build a water treatment facility. So, they lowballed us on what our house was worth and gave us 6 months to move. Now, here's some important side information: my mom is an army brat who grew up with mountains her whole life, until moving to Florida for my dad, which was apparently one of the last places she ever wanted to be. And my chummy from another tummy, was born in Oregon and had recently left me to go to OSU. This girl is my sister by all counts but blood. So, with a few other helping factors the logical answer was to start anew. How completely different my life would have been if I stayed. Can't say it would be better, just 100% different from what it is now.

But, in 2005 we moved to Oregon on the promise that we would do all the things we wanted to do and be living in Seattle in a few years.

None of that worked out. I can still remember the first night we spent in our apartment. I hated it. I let everyone know too. I think I cried for a week. I just wanted to go home. My Sisi was too far away to see her more often than the weekends and slowly her grades began to falter. This led to her dropping out and moving back to Florida just five months after I moved out here for her. I fell apart. I had only my mom and I love her, but sometimes you need your friends... You know? We did what we could and took jobs we hated and tried to get used to our new surroundings. I'm apparently a spoiled brat so I'm sure I made things painful for my mom who was finally back in her element and here I was stomping around telling everyone how much I hated it. Hate it. Present tense. I know the whole world is a cess pool of hipster, millennial idiots who all think that they know how to run the world, but the concentration of their free-for-all holier-than-thou ways is as dense here as the trees. It's exhausting listening to people who haven't showered in a week tell you how special they are because they have this heightened awareness that they learned from some Joe Blow and happens to not be fact at all. I have had a 24 year old Hispanic girl tell me that only white people can be racist, everyone else is prejudice. I told her that that in itself was a racist statement. And she said "no it's not. My teacher told me, and she has a PhD." I don't think I need to explain the definition of racism, but I do think Manson could have thrived in this town.

Fast forward quite a few years and we are both still in Oregon working jobs we hate not getting any of the things done we said we would. Are we lazy? Are we depressed? I'm sure it's both.

But, a small miracle comes my way, as I'm getting dressed to go down to the office to sign the next years lease I get a call from a woman who used to work with me. She asks if we are still looking for a new place to live and I tell her yes! We end up renting her townhouse from her because she's getting married. She proves to be a terrible landlord, probably because she's not all that good at being a person. She's really great at other things, but not that. Somme people are like that. But, I also haven't learned how to speak Oregonian in the 14 years I have been here.

A few more years and we end up buying the house and I have changed jobs for my health and things are looking up. I lose some of the weight I had acquired in my sorrows. I even find a guy that I can tolerate. Mostly bc he's 4000 miles away in another country. But, I struggle to find my way in our incredibly mismatched relationship. And he's so smart. So, successful... Here it comes... "what's he doing with a loser like me?"

My friends.... They all have something to show for their lives: degrees, children (Im not interested in these things,) husbands, jobs they don't hate....

I have a mortgage and a ridiculously high HOA, two payed off cars, 50 extra pounds on my ass, a job I'm not particularly built for, and a guy whom I love differently than he loves me.

I'm killing it.... Or myself. One way or the other. "I still haven't figured that shit out yet " -Eddie Murphy

I think this a pretty good place to stop for now. You should have a good amount of reference points for the following posts which will entirely be me, describing my chronic severe depression hoping that someone somewhere might read it and know they are not alone. I feel such a sense of validation when I read something from someone who feels the same as I do. This blog isn't for attention or critiquing, as most will likely be written when things like grammar and story structure aren't focused on. It's purely to get the chaos out so, I can organize it.

I don't know who you are but if you're reading this far, please stay tuned if you want to say "Wow, that's exactly how I feel."

Do good.

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bloggingwithmattporter · 6 years

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My Relationship and How It Ended

All through our lives, we wonder who our partner will be and how will we find them? Going out with friends, talking online for a while or just simply a bump into each other. At the age of 20, I was amazed at the thought of how i'd meet someone I could be myself around. Myself having an incredibly outgoing bubbly personality, I always knew that I could be seen by many people, but never knew that I would find someone who I'd consider to be perfect for me. For years I've been independant and achieved things by myself with no partner by my side, I didn't want anyone nor was I looking for someone. But yet, I always thought to myself "I wonder if my future girlfriend would be proud of me", which actually makes you realise you're more lonely than you thought, but hey, that's okay because you know one day you will find her.

Everything changed for me one night, a few weeks after I started a new job. I decided to go out one night, which i remember fondly enough that I would've rather stay in and watch some films, but decided it would be a great time to celebrate the job I acquired. When you were like me and decided to drink yourself silly every single week, you had to find reasons to go out. Little did I know, going out that night would change my life in millions of great ways, which is now terrifying to think about.

After a fair few drinks, I decided to go out into another area of the club to share my loud obnoxious personality around. The moment I walked down there, was like a movie. I saw a girl, even in my intoxicated state, I could tell she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes upon. I instantly came up with a goal to make her laugh. It takes a lot to make me nervous, it was trait that I never had. I went up to her and at that exact same time, she walked up to me and introduced herself. You know how I said it was like a movie? I said that because when I looked into her eyes, everything around me froze, I was just standing there. After what felt like thirty minutes, I introduced myself then we sat down and had a drink. I wouldn't be able to tell you the exact conversations that we had, but I can tell you I interrupted her to inform her that I needed to do a pee followed by what I thought to be an FBI cross Ninja jump over the table, but according to her that was never the case... I still stick with what I thought it felt still to this day. When I returned we had another drink and spoke some more and introduced us to each others friends. One of my friends, Jordan, looked at me when I introduced her and smiled at me, for some strange reason, he knew I was interested, suppose I've never really introduced a girl to my friends before. As this night drew to a close, I lost her and eventually stormed out of the club because I had enough. Little did I know, she was asking about me when I left. I got home, surprisingly, and fell asleep.

I woke up to a message from her asking me out on a date. I immediately felt emasculated, but that was okay. Obviously I said yes. We went to a Shannon Noll concert, it was a perfect time spent together and the happiest i've been in a very long time. I still remember how it felt to feel true happiness after such a long time of being alone.

As messages upon messages went by between each other, it was suddenly a week or two later. We had organised for me to stay over her place, have a couple of drinks and listen to some old school music, the best kind. As she's on the floor choosing the songs to put on and I am sitting on her bed, that strange feeling erupted in me again, true happiness. I didn't know at the time, but she was radiating something I haven't felt before, whether it was her great music choice or just being around her. As the night progressed, next thing we know we were in bed together 'cuddling'. We were talking about something that made me laugh, which at the end I did something I couldn't take back. I laughed and then said I love you, which i quickly recovered by saying "lol jokes, you wish". Yes, I actually said that and it turned out more funny than what we were previously discussing. This became a running joke for years to come. I remember laying there thinking "Why did I say that", I was confused about how it happened because it just completely slipped out, I didn't mean to say it but knew I felt it. This was when I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. In the end, it was a perfect night spent by someone whom I believed I loved very quickly. I had never felt this way about another person before.

A week at work progressed and we decided to stay over again, same music, but this time we felt closer than ever. It was an amazing feeling for me and I was honestly just falling harder and harder for her. I knew the next time I saw her, I wanted to do something special, so I surprised her with a little getaway to a nice resort at the Sunshine Coast. When we got there, we checked in and went across the street to Woolworths to stock up on food and the dinner I was going to cook for her, Beef Strogonoff. When we returned, we got the keys and went to our apartment to find out that there was in fact, no kitchen. So it turned out to be a KFC night. This was when I knew she was the one for me, as we finished eating, i decided to rip the KFC bags and dress her up.. it was incredibly hilarious at the time and damn she could pull the look off. We got into bed and watched Eurovision trying to understand the words they were singing, it was great and it was definitely a great weekend. Once again, the kitchen became a running joke too, I could never escape it. After this weekend away, we sat down and decided it would be best if I moved in with her, as I’m always there anyways. So a month after dating, we were living together and I’ve never felt so much happiness, everything was perfect and working out for me.

Months and months went on, we sat there laughing about the possible arguments we would have because we have never argued before. I knew for a fact that I was so in love with this woman that I never wanted to lose her. We were perfect for a very long time. I’d get lost in her eyes every time she would laugh, or how her eyes opened wide when she was explaining a story or a topic she was passionate about. She has the most incredible smile with a beautiful laugh.. which includes her little snorting she does when the laughing can’t stop.

Every morning I would wake up, give her a kiss on the forehead and say good morning. Every night, I’d give her 10 kisses on the forehead, we both made sure to count as it all became a ritual. There were so many memories, inside jokes and little rituals we had that we got so used to that it all became normal. I was still in love with this woman at the age of 23.

Suddenly, cracks started to appear because of my inability to talk. I know, how does someone not know how to talk? That was and still is the hardest thing for me. I am so used to not sharing my feelings about negative things and instead keep it bottled up inside, its a very unhealthy thing to do and still to this day I'm slowly learning.

We were having many fights, breaking up but working our way back to each other every single time. We knew we wanted to be together and we were too stubborn to admit it at times, we were an incredibly competitive couple. Ask her about the monopoly game, she'll tell you she won..... thats because she did but I can assure you we never played monopoly again. I cannot elaborate on the amount of fights and quick break ups we had, we had a severe rough patch. But everything was perfect and I was still the happiest guy in the world.

The last time we broke up was around May 2018, the month we got together in 2016. This was a tough break up but we got back together a week later. I know, people may think how is this healthy, but when you're in love with someone, you'd do anything to make sure it works. Everything was perfect for many many many months. We discussed getting our very own place and we started to buy furniture each paycheck so we would be able to move into a house that wasn’t partly furnished, having kids (even agreed on some names to respect my mother which meant a lot to me) and more importantly, the engagement I was going to do at the start of the year.

I started an incredibly bad addiction to video gaming every day for hours on end, instead of the usual couple of hours a week. I became lazy and didn't appreciate what I had right next to me the entire time. Nearly 3 years we spent together, you would think that I would be more attentive. I just forgot about every thing in my life and was just committed to video games like the person I was long before I met her. I stopped wanting to have sex and I stopped wanting to go out on weekends with her. This all hit home and completely shattered me after she told me she was getting male attention elsewhere. I stormed out with all my stuff and didn't look back once.

A week has gone by and I just sit here in silence every single day. I've eaten half a sausage roll that made me vomit, a few chicken balls and a handful of chips, against my will. During my silence, I realise how much I have changed. I have gone from the alcoholic version of myself to a guy who found out he was ready to settle down, the mature Matt I thought I wouldn't find until I was very much older. I'm not going to lie, this last paragraph is hard to type because I just fall back into the ifs and buts. I know for a fact, all I had to do was to get off that Xbox and give her attention, clean the room when she asked, give her the intimacy that we both required but I slacked out on and most of all, show her the amount of appreciation I have for her since we got together. I feel as though I never want to show another woman intimacy or become close again, unless it’s with her. The constant knot in my stomach won’t dissapear. The world knows just how much I do love her and all my good friends know how much I appreciate and love her, it just turns out I forgot to reassure the most important person to me.

I realise that I don't blame her for any of this because I guess it is all my fault. Every girl in a long lasting relationship needs to know that feeling that their partner does in fact care about them. I just guess for me, it is too late for that. I would do anything to go back to the life we had with me bringing an insane amount of changes that would make any girl feel like the luckiest woman in the world. Not only did I lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend and the only person that knew exactly who I was and who I am still to this day. She knows more about me than anyone else on this planet and i'm not afraid to admit that. She was my definition of a soul mate. I've never felt more comfortable and open with someone in my life and I highly doubt I'm going to find that feeling with anyone else for a very long time and even then, the chances are slim. All our inside jokes and memories haunt me every single day because they were the happiest times of my life. Every song that comes on the radio, its hard to listen to. All the songs on my phone, I can't listen to because each one takes me back to a time with her. It's hard to watch Netflix alone because I watched basically everything with her many times over. It's hard to get up in the morning and go to work, because every morning I would drive there knowing how close our future home was and how ready I was to propose to her, she was the reason why I got the new job a few weeks ago. The memories are suddenly everywhere and every day you're just caught up in constant nostalgia. The pain doesn’t disappear.

If I could go back in time and change everything, I would in a heartbeat. If she messaged me and told me she wants me back, I'd be there in a heartbeat too. With Christmas and New Years coming up, this is going to be a hard problem for me to recover from for the rest of the year. We had so many plans, I had many plans she didn't even know about. Nearly 3 years down the drain because I was too stupid to show her the amount of love and appreciation I have for her.. it truly fucking hurts. Being so ready to settle down, just for it all to come up above your feet isn't the best feeling.

The hardest part about break ups, is trying to forget about the imagined future you two had planned together. Our future looked so perfect. Going from being so happy, to suddenly depression hitting you straight on the head. The emptiness and loneliness is something I haven't felt in my life and I wouldn't wish it upon my worse enemy.

I don't expect many people to read this, but if you do, thank you for letting me vent and taking it on board. If you're in a relationship, please, tell your partner you love them and that you appreciate them, that's all it takes. Listen to them, talk to them and be there for them through everything life throws their way. Don't get caught up in technology or social media, they can easily become the source of break ups in this generation, which fucking sucks. Put your phone down and just show your partner that you love them. Never would I have thought I’d lose the one piece of me that meant more than anything else on this planet.

Most importantly, to her. If you're reading this, please know that I love and I miss you more than words can explain. I'm sorry that I didn't show you just how much you meant to me and just assumed you knew. You were, and still are, my world. The things we have done together are things I'll forever cherish and miss. You were my soulmate and I wish I could just show you all the changes I'd make to prove just how happy we can be. I would do anything to have you laying in my arms again and hearing you laugh. You are the only person in this world that I need and I’m honestly shattered to know I wasn’t that person for you. My friends keep telling me to move on.. why would I want to, and how could I move on when I know I’ve already met my soul mate? I’ll forever miss and love you.

I honestly thought typing this would make me feel better, even in the slightest amount, but in the end I guess it just made things worse for me. The hardest part for me was leaving someone who I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I don't know where I would be or the type of person I would be if she didn't enter my life. She brought out the best version of me that was possible.

If you're going through a rough time, talk to a friend or family member. Please know, it's not embarrassing to seek professional help.

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