#I'm trying to hold myself back a little
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My bestman and his husband got me these figures as a birthday gift, and I was totally surprised - my fiancé had the same idea and I told him not to bother because I would just do DinLuke fam photoshoots with them,,and look what happened immediately ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
birthday sale is still on! all my SW comics are 30% off for the weekend!
#dinluke#luke skywalker x din djarin#clan of three#op tags:#I'm cringe but I'm free#I think I will mostly use them as armor refs and stuff#I cried a little when I got these lol I have never had such a good friend group as this in my entire life#I love love love#and yes I kinda attempted to recreate the pic on my pinned post :3#I'm going full intermedial bc I also made some songs inspired by the DinLuke week prompts ahah#I'm trying to hold myself back a little#gotta make a comic and all that after all
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hands you guys a grimm
#grimm is one of those characters that i draw scowly more often than not and i'm like. gotta draw you smiling once in a while#love love love its stupid extra teeth. pats myself on the back for that one. 100% catering to my interests#really funny when i draw their teeth tho bc i have a coyote skull on my shelf and i sit there staring at the teeth like#okay how would it feel if i had some of those growing out of my gums in addition to my normal teeth#holds her. in my hands#this week's been busy so i'm just like. rotating it and yarrow in my brain without having super concise thoughts#actually. i have been trying to figure out yarrow's friends a lil#bc like. they're social and good at talking to people and charming in their way so ofc they make friends in the five years between p2 and p#so i imagine he has a little group he hangs with. also an ex i'm trying to figure out hdklfghd#no real names yet but i have nebulous personalities#art#honeybee#grimm
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and (tw for murder/crime/killings) the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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hmm i'm getting. possibly over-ambitious. again. we'll see how this goes.
#i'm coming to the end of norse-related books i can access#(i have one more book About myths and then i'm gonna *try* reading the poetic edda D:)#but my next Project would prob be shakespeare and i'm trying to avoid that#so instead i'm like... hm... what if i read beowulf. and also the táin. and the mabinogion. and#like all of those WOULD be cool. but. they're a little off-topic from what i was doing#and i don't actually tend to get on very well with. like. *any* old books. so. ???#We'll See.#also i'm antsy bc i don't have anything to read *right now* so i'm making Plans instead#and having to hold myself back from reversing six library books at once lmao#enough!!!
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sorry to everyone who's been missing me/waiting for something from me, i've been slipping in and out of depressive fog for a week or two (and in general have experienced significantly worse depression than normal for a couple years, but that’s another story)
i long to get back, too; a lot of things to read and ideas to write and people to talk to. love y'all, take care
#signed: vika's ghost#also i've caught a cold so there's that too#terribly sorry for being overdramatic i'm just... tired of being tired and i wanted to talk about it a little bit#it's very important for me to talk about everything that's wrong with me. i tend to avoid that but now i'm trying to learn and to make peace#creative drive and ability to hold thought-out conversations keep slipping out of my graps and it kinda hurts more#— in a good cathartic sort of way but painful nonetheless — to remember what they felt like at all#i miss wanting to work on my wip and i miss having the attention span to write out headcanon and i miss having headcanons#and i miss talking to my fandom friends#(i did it just last week but i already miss it. it's one of the things i'd like to be able to do every day)#and i miss the ability to connect with art and i miss the ability to focus on written word and i miss commenting#and i miss discussing ideas and i miss interacting and i miss having fun. god i just miss having fun.#kp my apologies for not making much progress on bb&b; myself my apologies for not writing any of my other wips or outlines or posts;#da gc gang my apologies for not following up on any of the things; every fic writer whose work ended up in my to-read pile IM SORRY#jack & kp specifically i love your stuff#also jack my apologies for taking a While; & the rd gc apologies for never writing out any of the cool au thoughts i'd had after some point#really，i've been meaning to. everything requires way too much effort. everyone is so fun and i miss having fun#take care，remember me fondly，i'll be back，please stand by#if tomorrow morning i find this embarrassing i'll chalk it up to a fever or something.#idc i'm allowed to have it. world won't blow up if i'm embarrassing on the internet once or twice or honestly even forever#vikarambles#vent
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Random yes but thank u for making that frusan art awhile ago it's adorable and i love seeing more art of this underappreciated ship :D!!!
ahhh thank you!!! frusan is so underrated FOR REAL, i guess it's probably because after Islands they all but disappeared (like i think they were only shown twice after that and that's including in Fionna & Cake (which i actually missed when i watched it bc its such a brief glimpse)) but like. still. I actually have a little idea for another frusan drawing (frieda and susan talking on a roof grown-up edition) but I have to break up the dialogue into parts & think of more Susan Reactions so it's not just Frieda monologuing at her lol
#frieda is such a compelling character to me augh because seriously living on the islands sounds like. idk. scary in an existential way#like if I lived on that tiny(?) island always with the same people and didn't have hope that I would maybe someday get to explore someplace#new and meet new people. i would explode i think.#and frieda HAS hope & the drive to follow through with it#but then susan goes robo-mode and like surely any hope is just GONE after that#thats such a crazy interesting dynamic can't believe everyone else on earth isn't also insane about this#obviously it's not susan's fault that she went robo-mode but it's still recieved as a betrayal yk. so sad :(#and then susan went after finn & they probably all assumed she was dead#AHHH??? i can't even imagine how that would have felt for frieda?? like imagine you're trying to get off the islands and your favourite#person won't go with you but she helps you. but then she betrays you (not her fault but yk) and then (i'm assuming its not even that long#after) she's sent off the islands and she goes willingly#like wowww way to rub salt in the wound susan omg (i love susan this is not susan negativity)#my little angsty hc about that is like. frieda still holds a little bit of resentment towards her for what happened but she knows she#shouldn't because what if susan was right? what if she left the islands and it wasn't safe and she DIED?#but then also what if she isn't? what if she just left and it wasn't worth coming back? what if frieda wasn't worth coming back for? yanno#stuff like that. AGHHH hhh i love frieda#and then they go adventuring together and work it out and kiss on the mouth#uhhh i'll stop myself there before i write a whole essay in the tags (or maybe i already have ahahah...) but yeah. i love frusan :3
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Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by
#bc like. i'm getting by just fine. i don't have anything to be reasonably worried about#but also when i was a kid my father would break down my mother's paycheck and basically explain how broke we were#and that May Have Affected Me Somewhat#as well as just. the way you consistently see the advice to just save! don't get takeout! necessities! and i'm not intent on living like#a monk nor am i intent on being on that grindset for financial gain#it's like i don't intrinsically care but i have so many messages given to me about how i need to care a lot and it puts me in a weird spot#i am simultaneously standing still and moving at mach speeds#i mean right now i just need a safety net while in between jobs; after that i need to save up to move out of state bc the uh#political situation and upcoming presidential election don't seem very sustainable for someone like me anymore#they weren't to begin with but i don't wanna stick around to see how bad it's gonna get#but it's like. okay and then what? save for what? going back to school i guess? idk#i feel like i keep asking myself what i'm trying to accomplish and keep trying to force myself to have answers#here and now when i have to be okay with taking things one step at a time instead of having everything here and now#it's simultaneously fine and terrible and i am holding two conflicting yet equal truths#i feel i may have a clearer head once i leave my current job. i'm trying to look but nothing feels appealing given how#burnt out i already feel. i dread going back into my workplace and i fear it's showing to the patients and i don't want that#i want a month off to rediscover who i am as a person outside of getting yelled at in retail and then pick something back up#could be feasible. genuinely could be. i need to sort out the health insurance aspect but. that's lowkey the plan?#to construct a financial safety net and then slam on the breaks for a while; see if i can strike up a deal with the staff about me#coming in for specific tasks bc we already know i'm quick and efficient with the inventory so i do have a little leverage#you know what. this is getting some of it off my chest and i'm starting to feel confident again lmao#i won't be doing weekends starting either next week or the week after so that's a start! i just think i want everything done right now#bc i'm afraid i won't have the chance again but i will. i definitely will#i just need to let myself get to that point; it's just the immense drain from the register work and the Everything that comes with retail#also having to accept that it's okay to leave this; there's not something wrong with me like. ''not being able to handle it'' or w/e#no mindfulness or detachment could've saved me; it was shit and i'm hitting the bricks and that's all there is to it#i've been thinking a lot about it all lately bc it's what's most prominent in my life rn of course#idk. pondering. introspecting. as i am wont to do#anyways if you've read all this you're a real mvp and i am kissing you on the hand#shai speaks
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didn't get cast in ensemble. they did cast a girl at callbacks I literally taught the harmony to though. fucked up
#spent a year thinking about the audition#have actively waited for an opportunity to audition for at least seven years#show on my radar for at least 14#love to be good enough at the audition that they call you back and then have them be like#actually never mind we don't want your voice even with the other voices.#we have no place for your body on stage with the other bodies#this is what I was afraid of. this is why as soon as it was announced like two years ago this might be produced I was as#stressed as I was excited.#it's not about ego or rejection it's just about getting to do a dream there aren't many chances to fulfill. I just get fixations you know?#rehearsals start tonight without me!#only thing helping me hold onto my sanity is an inside source telling me that the director is horrible#it's hard for grapes to be sour enough for me to not to hurt bad bad bad#but it takes away a little bit of the grief#as does the fact that a friend has the kindness to try and comfort me like that#mensch behavior#I have othr things to look forward to this was just high stakes you know#not a lot of chances. dependent on others to provide chances. autistic hyperfixation on little scraps of the score#most passionate out of anyone who auditioned for sure#and I'm not even bad#I fucked up at callbacks a little but I was hoping they wouldn't be insane about it#but holding my breath until I could get the relief of knowing I was in#which would also have been incredible news in other ways too––being in any show has been a long-term goal and I would be like okay I've hit#that milestoone and should actually invest in a headshot#but I guess not!!!!!!#going to try and not be angry at myself though#I'm good and will throw myself into my work#which I have much to do of and talent to apply to
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I'm starting to realize all the stupid shit I never used to let myself do out of fear and social anxiety... like it's just such silly stuff to be scared over why have I been torturing myself for so long with imaginary judgement 😭
#cringey#cam.chat#I'm trying really hard to let go of all that fear and shame this year#it's time#it's so stupid to hold myself back like that#especially over silly little things#like sending my mom gifs and memes 💀#or texting/typing in a certain way during a casual convo#or decorating my room how i want#or wearing what i want#or doing my makeup how i want to#talking passionately about my interests even if they're#cringe culture is dead#WHY AM I SO SCARED OF PPL????#fuck it man I'm done#everyone is getting the full me#all my deranged thoughts and personality#put up or shut up mfs
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I need to get over my self hatred so I can move into more important things
Such as cosplay.
I need to stop hating myself so I don't feel awful dressing up as characters
#the void screams#and by that i mean that i keep procrastinating with thoughts like 'oh i can do that character once i'm in shape'#bitch shut up!!! literally internalized fatphobia sit down i can cosplay whoever i feel like without the stipulation#of being a size twelve or smaller!!!#it's sucks because i try so hard not to think that way but it still comes through in the little ways#like not letting myself cosplay. or thinking back to when i was so fucking sick in high school and#still holding that up as the time i looked the best because i was conventionally attractive. just.#fuck.#i. want. to. cosplay. so shut up brain i am GOING to cosplay.#i will cosplay as spoiler. and red hood. and starfire. and green arrow.#i WILL make group cosplays for my family of the bad batch and vox machina.#i will love myself no matter how much spite i have to put into doing so. there is no other option#i will not go back to wallowing in self hatred and misery i refuse to let myself.
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#I made this image 2+ months ago but am posting it now because I'm trying so hard to hold myself back from rambling about all the-#buck-fucking-wild implications that have little to do with the actual meta post because my god#gf
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#everything feels weird and strange and off kilter.#the grief and the emotions are coming in waves and it's getting extreme now#like i spend my day aware of everything happening around me#i spend my day trying to busy myself and do work outside of the house that matters and that needs to get done#if i can do this stuff for my grandma then i'll be fine#but the minute i'm next to her for more than five minutes it hits me#like everyone for the last three days has been telling us#'it doesn't look good. she doesn't have much time left. this is what you need to do to prepare for the end.'#and we're doing all of that#but every time i hear 'the end' or 'end of life' i just. feel like i'm choking and suffocating#like yes looking at her i know there's no other way this ends.#i know from having spent this much time around her that there's no coming back from this#but it still doesn't feel /real/#like. just in the last two days things have changed so dramatically#and so i hold her hand and i try to understand what she's saying and try to do whatever i can for her#and then i cry and cry and cry and cry. and then i get back up and go back to my life.#i try to do what i can. i weep for the impending loss of the person i love most in this world. and then i go back to my silly little things#i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to deal with this.#i've never felt like my heart was so attached and so rooted in someone else's heart like this before. and now she's about to leave us.#and i don't know what to do guys. i don't know how to process this.
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i just need to stay in my own energy i just need to stay in my own energy i just need to-
#yes my life is entirely fucked up#yes it all feels broken beyond repair yes i hate myself from the moment i wake up every day all day#but i just have to draw my silly little drawings and go on my silly little walks#and attempt to be alive in the ruins of it all#i just have to find back to my core and live there but still let things touch me sometimes#and connect to art and connect to art and connect to art#be grateful for what i have and mourn the things that i don't#not become the monster they try to turn me into#become it anyway sometimes but just for a moment just for a day#allow myself to have emotions and not just the pretty ones#taking it one fucking day at a time#look at the beauties and if i cannot see them look a little CLOSER#I'm not losing my mind this is me trying to keep it and hold it close to my chest actually#one day I'll actually share my poetry with the interwebs#until then u get incoherent mind mess brabbling and hope against all odds#fari talks
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Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.
And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.
#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that#doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything#I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and#people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it#like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs#ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons!#bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It#i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it#i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration.#I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th#the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time#and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism.#i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been#able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance!#i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc#I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it#and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky.#bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call#bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm.#and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and#helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday#and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job?#i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with#like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd#to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid#and j hate the corporatism and the leadership#bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need#anyway.#i just... want something different.#i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit
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okay so I've been painting a lot these past few days. it's frustrating because it feels like I'm starting all over again because it had been a while. but now I'm starting to get the hang of it, I think. I don't want to burn everything I've painted anymore, so that's definitely an improvement.
but. the whole time I just have this thought in the back of my mind - why do I try to get better? it's so pointless.
I'll drop painting again soon anyway. maybe it'll be days, maybe weeks. it'll definitely be no more than two months (that's when we move). so. the next time, I'll start all over again. I'll have to figure it all out again and I'll be so bad at it again and I'll feel exactly like this again.
#I mean. sometimes it's really really amazing and I don't think about anything and I'm just. content#that part feels good#but a lot of the time it really feels pointless#I'm not good at it. I don't ever make real progress with anything because I never do any hobby for long enough at a time#I know a little bit about so many things and I'm not good at any of them#like I've been drawing for 20 years! I should be better at it! but there's entire years where I didn't do it at all.#and it feels bad.#like just CHOOSE one fucking thing! other people can do it! why can't I?!#nothing holds my interest long enough to be 'my thing'. they always come back. sure. but that doesn't make them feel like they're a part of#me. it always feels fleeting and temporary.#ugh 😭#I don't understand how my therapist was so sure I don't have adhd. like I'm not. choosing to be like this. I want one interest. maybe two.#ones that just stay forever. that I can focus on and be really good at and that are just Me#I have so. much. stuff. for everything I ever try.#I just. I'm frustrated and restless and I hate myself.#but yeah sure it's fine or whatever#I just want to feel okay#personal
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"that's it, puppy. just keep humping my leg."
i'm panting and sweating from how needy i am. my little dick is so sore from rubbing against your thigh, my slick being the only thing making it ache less.
i've needed to cum for the past ten minutes but you keep telling me, "not yet, baby boy. be patient for me. you're doing such a good job."
i think i might explode if i don't cum soon, but i'm a good puppy. i'll keep rutting and humping your leg for as long as you tell me even though i can feel my brain quickly turning to mush.
eventually, i can't stand it. i rest my forehead against your shoulder and whine softly. "please... need to cum so bad."
you just chuckle and gently rub my back, bouncing your leg against me to see just how far you can push me.
after a few more minutes, i'm clutching onto the back of your shirt. my whole body is so sweaty now and the wetness from my boyhole is covering your upper thigh at this point.
right when i'm about to cum. when i'm about to go against your orders, you whisper in my ear so softly, "okay, puppy. be a good boy and cum for me."
your words are like music to my ears. i bark and whimper, my whole body shaking as i feel my orgasm flow through me. i've somehow coated your leg even more as i feel shockwave after shockwave pulse through my little cock.
i try to stop rubbing to not overstimulate myself, but you hold my hips, moving them gently on your thigh. you ignore my protests and squirming, cooing in my ear to try and calm me down.
seconds later, i feel my body tense up yet again. i let out a muffled cry and bite into your shoulder. my little cock is so sore and twitching as i cum again.
i shut my eyes tight as i whine and clutch onto your back. you finally hold me still and wrap your arms around me, rubbing small circles into my lower back.
"you did such a good job puppy. you're okay. such a good boy for me."
a few tears slip past my eyes as i rest my head against your shoulder, panting heavily as i try to come back down from my highs. thinking it's over, that you're satisfied, i'm surprised when you keep your tight grip on my waist.
"you can give me one more, puppy. i know you can."
#bingoslittlebarks#trans nsft#ftm ns/fw#ftm bottom#ftm puppy#ftm sub#puppy sub#puppyboy#transmasc#trans male#t4t ns/fw#t4t puppy#t4t sub#t4t#transgender#bd/sm puppy#k!nky thoughts#k!nk community#k!nks
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