#I'm not trying to be I just cope by making fun of how absurd the logic is now that I know it is lol
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So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:
Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.
Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:
I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.
And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:
So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)
God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3
#srry if I come across insensitively with my jokes and stuff btw#I'm not trying to be I just cope by making fun of how absurd the logic is now that I know it is lol#vent#tw abuse#tw suicide mention#tw victim blaming
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No Straight Roads is an impressive First Good Try from a newcomer developer. It's a bit clunky (loose jump mechanics; weird fixed camera angles during stages prior to boss fights; some uh, choice voice acting, though the latter is largely relegated to NPCs), but it's visually surreal and enticing, and the game is a mastery of nuanced depths and inner secrets coming from each of the major characters.
Naturally, I was immediately drawn to the robot boy band, which, conceptually alone, is fantastic. This is such an evil thing for a major corporation to do. You have advanced machinery designed to be the perfect entertainment system, drawing in millions of fans and their money. They're completely ageless and can be exploited for however long is needed, and if one "dies", another can replace it. 1010 is diabolical.
But NSR one-ups this amusingly bizarre backdrop by adding 1010's manager and his contribution alone simultaneously explains a lot about the game's creativity and charm, AND his character. NSR isn't above emotional and heartbreaking moments, but it constantly maintains an upbeat, positive energy; fittingly Neon J's war background is portrayed as hammy and comical.
But they're not making fun of him for being a strait-laced soldier (well, a bit, but not in a mean-spirited way.) NSR is really good about laying out the cards and letting you find and piece together why these people act the way they do. And I'm just so damn bewildered and in awe that this man, clearly a war veteran and possibly enduring PTSD, decided the best way to cope is to take his toy-making skills and create a military-themed boy band. Art is therapeutic, after all.
And it somehow works? Like there is something absurd, but fitting about a former war vet addressing his band as soldiers and treating them as such. It's just another form of training, just replace guns with dancing, and any war fields with a stage platform. It's kind of fucked up, honestly.
I can see why fans have latched headcanons of this guy being a father to his boy band. Like in-game, he portrays the army-specific "Father to his Men" and hints of his backstory seem to imply that his robotic toys are very important to him. I mean, he's an artist, and a lot of artists extend a lot of themselves and a generous pouring of love (sometimes a little too much) into their crafts.
And then you see this and go, okay, yeah, I think the fans are onto something. He could have easily replaced any of these bots from an attack like that. Neon didn't have to get up front to try and protect them.
Of course, this could be another extensive of his military background; he's protecting his men because it's what he was trained to do. Maybe it's subconscious that way. Maybe he's already lost so many of his friends and brothers-in-arm that he just dived in. But I think it's abundantly clear 1010 aren't just soulless tools to him.
And like, the guy has, at least, a decent sense of morals. I'm not sure how he feels about associating with a capitalist company (and to be fair, NSR isn't really about that, though I guess I could argue that the people high up are as much victims in their own myopia that they failed to notice the greater issues as much as Bunk Bed Junction is), but he's one of the first to point out Bunk Bed Junction's chaotic method isn't exactly any better (he is correct, there wasn't any damn reason to break a nine-year-old kid's piano.)
This is kind of what I mean when I say NSR's characters has layers. So much that for a game I powered through in two days, it had a lot to say about its cast, and it does it with gusto. There's a lot I could probably talk about Neon J and 1010 (do the latter have self-awareness? Is he a cyborg because he suffered severe war wounds?)
Also holy shit, their Christmas upgrade. Words can't EVEN.
#no straight roads#neoyi talks#I recorded a video of Neon J's appearance because I wanted to show off his dance moves#but tumblr refuses to let me post this blog with it even though I met all the guidelines#tumblr ya gotta fix this shit#I hadn't had video uploading issues until this new blog format took over!
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About me
hi im danganronpafan42069. he/him 20↑ latino
some tags: my post and stuff - my opinion and stuff - big mood - for me <3 - ask - my negative tags for you to block if you want to masterpost
Danganronpa is one of my biggest guilty pleasures, i can count on my fingers all the things i like about it and genuinely think are well made. But i like some character's concepts and sometimes the dialogue and story are so ridiculous and absurd that i end up having so much fun.
Im not that active on the fandom and barely consider myself to be a part of it because almost all my opinions about ships, characters, storylines and the game/anime in general are very unpopular. I'm just happy minding my own business and vibin in my corner ^_^
Feel free to disagree with me and/or block me if something here makes you uncomfortable, but please don't try to start a discourse. I don't intend to change my opinion of anything and i don't want to change yours (unless you're respectfully asking my more detailed opinion about something), we're just going to waste our energy and waste our time on this.
i am very happy following this mentality here and i think you should try it too!
My favorite friendships and hcs of their relationships (WIP)
ps (this is kind of obvious but i think it's important to make it clear): i don't think these characters or ships that i don't like are problematic (i mean with exception of haiji i think) or think fans of the ship/character either (whole game is problematic if you think about it), it's just not my cup of tea
Tiny Q&A:
What are you referring to when you say "anti"? It's not the ant1 vs pr0ship discurse, it's someone who is "anti-some-ship-that-is-totally-fine-and-legal-by-law", the problem happens when this person in question is too immature and can't respect other people's opinions so they are chasing those who like their notp being inconvenient and annoying (and sometimes they even trivialize very serious social issues and topics)
Are you pr0shipper or ant1? I'm a grown ass adult. I work, I have a family, I have better things to do than use these internet bubble terms and discussions. I think incest and mainly minor/adult (ped0philia) ships are really fucked up even though they are fictional and/or trauma coping but I also think it's really fucked up to harass and make death threats??????? I don't want any of that on my screen so i block them all (and i also report if I think it's too fucked up)
My little disclaimer i have on any post of mine:
My little disclaimer i have on my opinions/headcanons post
A few warnings first, since you're here to read it I recommend reading these paragraphs extra to avoid stress for you and me :)
Almost everything I'm saying here about the characters is obviously MY OPINION and how I feel about the characters and their actions and not a concrete fact. I just want to express my opinion as many people in the fandom express their negative opinion about my fav characters and I respect that, so why can't I do the same? I know my opinions are unpopular, but that doesn't make them any less valid because opinion is something personal and there is no right or wrong
I'm censoring character names because I know some of my opinions are negative so I don't want to spoil someone's good time by having my post appear in the character's main tag. I'm also even saying in the title if it's a /pos or /neg analysis and I have a unique tag for my opinions (which you can block if you want), so you're proceeding at your own risk
I don't need to be so respectful with the characters because they aren't real, but I think we all should be respectful with who likes or doesn't like the character, because these are real people and have feelings.
And obviously I don't think someone liking or disliking this character doesn't make them a "bad, stupid, inferior or problematic person", it's just their opinion and deserves respect too
To be honest I'm not posting my opinion with the intention of changing someone's opinion or starting some kind of debate, I just want to express my opinion and that's all. It's like a public diary, it's one of the definitions of a blog after all ^_^
(About my headcanons) This isn't exactly a theory or an attempt to change anyone's mind and I know that none of this is canon and most likely not intended as I see it. I'm just want to talk in more detail about my headcanons and my lines of thoughts on them.
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Some info before we start :)
Hi! So I made this account to be able to post my story ideas and random thoughts, I would've on twitter but I don't know how anything on twitter works and it keeps having problems with the writers I follow so I'm going to just stick with what I know and post my garbage here :)
I like to write for fun and for myself and thought I had some pretty good ideas every now and again and thought I could share them so that maybe I could inspire some talented artists and writers to do their thing.
I write some weird things, stuff that include :WARNING FOR TRIGGERS: Murder, assault (I don't glorify it in anyway and would like anyone who see's what I write in result of it to tell me if I did or said something wrong and I will adjust accordingly) Serial killers (fake ones based off of real ones that I will warn everyone of who and what) some offensive words but never anything racial seeing as I am a white woman and do not have any knowledge or experience with it and have no right to mention those words, offensive phrasings in the idea of a bad character and/or a messed up character is aiming to demean and hurt another character, drug use, graphic content such as how the characters died and what bodies are like after death, violence, and depressive idealisms and unhealthy ways of coping with them. I WILL tag and put the appropriate warnings before I post anything and again will take down anything that truly harms someone's well being because I never want to hurt anyone with my mindless writings. Also another warning is that I cuss a LOT! Like an absurd amount of cussing its almost annoying sometimes.
Another weird and possibly annoying thing I do is that I misspell a LOT. I love to write and do it quite often but I still can't spell things or most times don't make sense with my phrasings or meanings. I will include pictures, songs, poems and many other references to try and convey what I mean when I go off on a tangent.
Please feel free to expand on any idea I have, tag me in the work and I'd absolutely love to read and witness your work! It would be appreciated if y'all would offer KIND AND HELPFUL criticism in my writings or other ideas.
Thank you for taking the time to read my whole rant and I hope to make some new friends on here and make some memorable work here :)
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11/5/2023
Back from glorious nippon. To be honest it was definitely a fun trip. It made me realize just how starved I've been of human interaction in general this past year. I have a whirlwind of thoughts I'd like to put down so lets get started.
I brought up IQ and online tests to Michael and Reggie, but more to Michael in particular. They both seemed to not have had much prior interest in them, which slightly surprised me from a basal part of my mind since I'm interested in them. But I know that I have way more interest than normal. Michael tried them and scored surprisingly high, getting 138 on one diagnostic. Since that is about what I get, and I previously thought I had higher IQ to be honest, it was a little surprising. It makes me think that what I previously thought were larger gaps between me and others might actually be much smaller. I'm also suspecting more and more that I'm not actually smarter than others to the extent that I think.
What is the difference then? Is it simply personal bias that I especially notice the times when I seem smarter> Or is it some sort of strangeness I have with a tendency to analyze everything? Hard to say I suppose. I was unable to tease anything out of Reggie about insecurities relating to intelligence and other things that I've long suspected he had. Even at the onsen we didn't really open up that much, despite my efforts.
My mood was definitely very good overall on the trip, and definitely a large part of that was being off my meds. I'm kind of torn on whether I should continue meds at this point. Maybe I just need to drink coffee every time I need to focus. That's probably what my parents did, given they drank 8 cups of coffee a day or something absurd like that. I'm definitely more fun and quirky when I'm not on them, and I'm even trying to stay off of them to see what happens for a bit now that I'm back.
Another thing I've looked a bit into recently is attachment styles. I think I maybe fearful avoidant, due to being scared of my parents when I was young. I think that's the one that's the worst. Another thing to blame on my parents kappa. I don't really know how to fix it other than just trying to force myself to trust others. It's really hard for me I've realized, and this is probably part of the reason why I've always thought about being so self sufficient.
I brought this up to the girl I went on a date with a week before the japan trip. this transition was awkward lol. That date kinda sucked, it was just really boring. Oh well I guess. I don't really have much thoughts on it even though in theory it's something exciting. I'll try to stay active on Hinge I guess for more excitement with some new pictures from Japan but I'm trying to not expect too much.
I was happy with how my fitness helped during the whole Japan trip. I think I had the most stamina and energy throughout the trip. Japanese girls are really cute ngl. I wish I was still at the age where it was more socially acceptable to just be into girls all the time. I hate that I grew up in church and had such warped ideas coming out of it.
I guess I should write some actual exposition about the trip. Reggie did say he started keeping a daily journal where he just writes what happened, and doesn't really go into further thought or detail like I try to do. I kind of assumed that other journalers would also follow my style but I guess I'm wrong? maybe? Reggie probably isn't an exception here. Am I weird for actually thinking about everything? Probably. But nobody would admit that they're a shallow thinker, it's one of the things where there's infinite ways to cope yourself into believing that you think about things just as much as the next guy.
I wonder if others also have thoughts relating kimonos to flowers blooming. I hope that doesn't come off as misogynistic. I wonder where I would be the misogyny scale. Of course I'd like to believe I'd be really low but who knows? I can't read other people's or my own mind on these things. When I got boba with Ned I accidentally gendered a nonspecified secretary as "she" and I think that bothered Ned even though I caught it and corrected myself. I feel like that's unfair of him. When someone talks about a secretary helping David Shaw out do people really not imagine a mental scene where the secretary has a gender? I guess I didn't possess the faculties and awareness to gender them only in my hypothetical mental scene and shake that off when back to talking about them in the realm of only the information actually presented. Maybe this is the non-misogyny skill I need to practice. It does make me feel a little mad though.
Oh yea I've been experimenting with trying to actually feel my emotions. I might have mentioned this in a past blog but I'm actually trying to feel the anger and sadness I've bubbled up for far too long. I think it's sort of working? In the sense that sometimes I do think I'm feeling angry or sad profoundly. I'm not sure if feeling them helps at all though. My mood right now is pretty good randomly. I sure hope it doesn't go back down to the dumps again.
The food and views in Japan were excellent. I don't really have much more to say about it.
I predict everything and the things that I remember are the things that deviate most from what I've predicted. Wow that sounds so edgy. Surely I remember things that were really good or really bad even if I predicted them. Like even if I predicted a view to be really good would I not be struck by how good it is? Or maybe that's the thing. It's impossible to truly predict nature's beauty without actually seeing it. That would be nice if that were true. Will I remember the views of Japan? Maybe if I convince myself they were special enough, which I think I partly have already. Same with the food.
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Wow this is all so cool! I love Found Wanting and reading about what's to come is really fun! Are any of the chapters going to be from Jon's pov? He's so messed up it'd be neat to see what's going on in his head
Thanks, I'm glad I can entertain you! Chatting about these ideas while they develop is a lot of fun, and it's adding to the inspiration.
I had a moment of 'wait, have I planned for anything to be from Jon's pov?' and had to go check the outline. There are some bits that'll definitely need his pov, when he's talking to other people without Martin around, and some bits where it could alternate. The early parts gravitate to Martin's perspective because he's observant enough to notice a lot of things that Jon wouldn't, so he can communicate more of what's really happening. Thinking about Jon's perspective, he'd be more of an unreliable narrator, which is interesting too... I'll play around with writing some of Found Wanting from his perspective too. Not sure how much I can retell without being too repetitive, but here's a bit of an extra scene, while they're at work and Jon still thinks he's being professional:
Jon's perspective when Martin looks happy:
Lately, there were moments when it almost seemed as if Martin had been checking him out. But surely he was imagining things. Reading too much into a vacant stare or a curious glance. If he voiced his suspicions, anyone would tell him that he was flattering himself. As if he possessed some sort of raw appeal that could outshine the bitterness of their working relationship. Unwanted attention was only flattering in the realm of the imagination, where he could bask in an unreal sense of desirability without having to hold any uncomfortable conversations about the other party's feelings being inappropriate and unreciprocated. He wouldn't really want to deal with that kind of mess. The idea of actually turning Martin down was deeply unpleasant. He'd never been any good at managing other people's emotions.
Honestly, it was a relief that the whole concept of a subordinate with a crush was nothing more than an absurd intrusive thought. In real life, he could simply accept an occasional cup of tea from his assistant, waste a few seconds wondering whether there had been genuine fondness alongside the forced politeness in his smile, and then dismiss that entire train of thought as idle nonsense.
Jon's perspective when Martin looks sad:
Jon never felt so lacking as when Martin turned those puppy dog eyes on him, as if he expected him to fix everything.
He was doing his best, working day and night to solve the problems that everyone had placed on his shoulders. He could only hope that the answers would be found in the reams of information that he was trying to verify and organise. Perhaps it would be easier if Martin would take on more of that burden himself, like he was supposed to, but Jon had learned the hard way that he needed to pick his battles. Pushing too hard would only result in Martin making more mistakes, zoning out in distress instead of speeding up, or rushing instead of being more careful. Jon needed to be strategic instead. After adjusting his expectations for what Martin was actually capable of, the biggest issue right now seemed to be tiredness, a natural consequence of living in the midst of this infestation, unable to ever truly relax.
Under normal circumstances, Jon wouldn't have entertained the idea of inviting him over, but it might just be the only way to help him catch up on sleep. Even aside from any considerations of workload, maintaining a minimum level of alertness would make Martin less of a danger to himself and others. Or else the next time he drifted off at work, it might not be within the relative safety of Document Storage. If a worm crept up on him in his sleep...
No, it didn't bear thinking about. Jon could admit to himself that with everything going on in his life, there were times when he was only barely coping. If his best efforts weren't enough... Well, he couldn't let that happen.
Fuck, why was it so hard to breathe? They didn't get enough air in this basement. Maybe he could slip out for a cigarette...
Ah, no, he and Martin were the only ones in the Archives right now. He'd better not take any unnecessary breaks, in case Martin needed him for anything.
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Hiii baby I see you are opening your request again! So considering that last time I went with my favourite blondie I'm gonna ask ( if you let for our favourite pink haired captain.
Can I request a heated make up sex session with akaashi after a couple fight? Thanks a lot in advance if you decide to write this down! Hope it's inspiring enough and you can have as much fun writing it that I'm gonna have reading it!
Sending you lots of love!
Mer.😘
Hiiiii darling omg yeah I love the idea of make-up sex with Akashi 🧎🏾♀️ hope I'm up to expectations with this one! Here's a big fat kiss to you <33
Never Again // Akashi Seijurō x Fem! Reader
MDNI 18+
Context: Fights happen, but can you make things up with your boyfriend Akashi this time?
Pairing: Akashi Seijurō x fem! Reader all characters are aged-up (20+) for plot reason!
Warnings: haha clearly this is smut sooo oral sex (m! receiving), fingering (f! receiving), unprotected vaginal sex, creampie, Akashi being a bit mean but not for too long, kinda dom! Akashi?, for the plot part there's obviously angst but I'm a romantic so happy ending 😙
It’s stupid. Completely, utterly, absurd. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel heated on the moment, and as your thoughts build up, you’ve ended up exploding in a senseless quarrel with your boyfriend. Some part of you feels terribly guilty – maybe you’ve made a scene out of nothing, unjustly accusing Seijurō of crimes he hasn’t committed. On the other hand, however, you figure that it isn’t as bad as you think. Couples fight, it’s normal. Right? Right?
In the couple of months that you’ve been dating the handsome basketball player, you’ve rarely been fighting. One of the things that has attracted you to Seijurō is the fact that he is emotionally mature; contrary to most guys his age, he’s aware enough to understand how he feels and how you feel – and to cope with both in a healthy way. Whenever one of you senses that the other might be irritated, you always talk it out, trying to go to the root of the problem and finding a solution together.
But sometimes, and it can’t really be helped because human nature is unpredictable, one of you is irrational for a moment; and from nothing, an argument will grow. And now that you are alone on your way back home, you realize how insignificant that fight was. You can’t even make sense of the thing that sparked it all, for all you know, it wasn’t even an issue to begin with. But even putting that aside, you can’t forget the last words you’ve uttered to your boyfriend before storming out of his apartment in a fury.
“I don’t fucking care anymore, Seijurō.”
You spoke those words referring to your relationship and it might just be the biggest lie you’ve ever told. In fact, you do care – a lot at that. Regardless of what your thought process was on the moment, you probably shouldn’t have said such thing, because it was so untrue. And the more you wait to clear the truth with your loved one, the more you risk losing him on the basis of pure bullshit.
Which is the reason why instead of stopping at your usual bus stop, you stop two rides away, speed walking to his place. You haven’t spoken to your boyfriend ever since – not a message sent, not a single call, nothing. It has taken a couple of hours for you to calm yourself down in the first place, then more hours so you can regain your senses and make sense of the situation. You’re now in the final phase of it, rushing to apologise in all sincerity and make things right.
Sweat covers your forehead as you knock on his door, panting. You haven’t thought things through, you aren’t quite sure what to do or say – but your heart’s set on apologizing and make things right, and when the door opens, you figure you should put your best improve’ skills in action.
“Hey.”
Lame. How can you stand here, before the man you love after shouting to him the most stupid thing, and just let out a simple “hey”? You can’t get yourself to meet his amber eyes, thinking for a moment here that you should maybe turn back and never show your face again. But you shake this thought away. Seijurō means too much for you to seriously let him go without an apology for what you’ve done.
“I… I don’t know how to say this without, you know…” you stutter before finally looking up to his face.
Though he adorns his usual serious face, which at first glance wouldn’t let a single hit that he’s been fighting with his girlfriend hours prior, you notice that particular flame in his irises. It is something unusual, that you’ve never seen before. You rack your brain left and right, trying to figure out what is it and when the thought comes, you feel more horrible than you already feel.
Is that a glimpse of hurt that you see dancing in his eyes?
“Shit, I should maybe be forward. I’m sorry, I deeply am.” You finally let out in a breath. “I let my anger out on you and I shouldn’t have but I think what I really regret is telling you that I don’t care anymore because truth be told, that was the biggest lie I’ve ever told.”
You voice gets shaky towards the end, as you try to keep your tears in. Guilt eats you from the inside, and you keep flagellating yourself for being so senseless, hurting the man you love with words of anger.
“Uh, I’ll go if you don’t wanna see me… I get it, you know.”
“No, stay.”
These are the first words he’s spoken even since you’re here. You look at him a bit surprised – if the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t want to see his face, and it would have asked for more time till you’d be ready to forgive him. But at this very moment, you remember that one of the things that made you fall for him is how much more mature than you he is in situations like this. It’s with great humility that you enter his apartment, sitting on his couch as he stands before you, hands in his pocket. The rolled-up sleeves of his shirt let you know that he’s just got back from work, the slight signs of fatigue telling you that it’s been a rough day and you fighting with him surely made thing worse.
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
He shakes his head.
“No.”
You nod, a silence setting between you. You don’t know what to say or do, and to be honest, you aren’t quite sure what is happening either. Eventually, though, you sense his gaze on your fidgeting fingers, and you trail your eyes up to meet his face. To your confusion, a slight smile appears on his lips.
“You would never hurt me now, would you?”
“Never on purpose” you’re quick to reply.
He sighs, seemingly in his thoughts. You stand, getting in front of him.
“Seijurō, I truly am sorry.”
He looks at you; without a doubt, he trusts your words, yet he can’t help feeling the way he does. The mere prospect of a breakup has left him all shook up, and he’s spent all day trying to recover from that – in vain.
“Show me how much you are” he mutters, voice so deep that it sends shivers down your spine.
You aren’t quite sure what he demands of you, but by instinct, you reach for a kiss. Your lips crash against his, and you feel relief when he kisses you back. You kiss him with all the love you have for him, ready to redeem yourself. As his tongue slips inside your mouth, you feel his hand wrap around your neck. A soft whimper escapes from you, and when you separate to take a breath, you can’t help but look at him with big pleading eyes. Your kisses fall on his neck, leaving marks where you know he loves it.
“I’ll do anything for you” you say against his skin.
“I can’t expect any less from you.”
You watch as he sits on the couch, legs spread wide. You rush to find your place between them, waiting for his instructions.
“Please tell me how you want me” you ask.
His fingers go to grab your chin, pulling your face towards his. Something about his demeanour is rougher than usual, but you don’t complain. He doesn’t resent you, but in his own ways, he’s being clear enough about the way he feels; and the only way to get relief, is to feel you the way he wants. You oblige, a pool gathering in your panties when he kisses you before guiding your head down between his legs. You’re quick to unbuckle his belt and zip down his slacks, feeling his erection straining against the fabric of his underwear. Fingers tangle in your hair while he watches you. Without saying a word, he makes his intentions clear, and you pull his pretty cock out.
“You’re gonna take it all for me, huh darling?”
You eagerly nod, before kissing the tip. He sighs, watching you as you slowly start licking then taking inch by inch in your warm mouth. Your sorry eyes catch his, somehow making him more aroused. Something about seeing you like that, ready to comply to everything to earn his forgiveness is inherently twisted, but God does it feel good. He can only savour the feeling of your lips around his cock, head bobbing as you fit him in, chocking a bit. He caresses your head, letting you pleasure him with so much intent.
You’re eventually breathless, letting him go in a “pop”. But before you know it, you feel him back inside your mouth, and you reprise your activity. The moans coming out of him make you weak, the sweetest sounds coming out of you, some kind of pleas that he tries to figure out. Are those the sound of your guilt, or do you want something from him? You keep going, feeling his release approach as he thrusts forward, letting you feel his entire length in your throat. But before he comes, he pulls your head away, fingers still in your hair as he props you up.
“I’ll fuck you now, alright? Are you going be good to me?”
“Yes, anything you want.”
He smiles not bothering to strip you out of your clothes but rather lifting the hem of your dress up, pulling your panties aside. Slender fingers gather your arousal, and you stand there, completely at his mercy. He gets between your lips, teasing your hole and barely touching your aching clit, knowing all too well that it’ll make you needier than you already are. But it’s all fair to him – this is your apology; you should be all about him. His fingers leave your core, coated with your juice and he brings them to your mouth.
“Open up, angel.”
You obey, licking his digits clean from your arousal. A smile on his face, he pulls them out, before getting rid of your panties and sitting you on his lap.
“Go on now, get it all in” he instructs.
“Yeah” you respond, align yourself with him.
For the next seconds, you take his cock all in, not risking going against his will. A yelp comes out of you from the stretch, but you take on you. He is kind enough to let you settle, letting your tight pussy adapt to his girth. However, the second he realises that you are well used to the feeling, he is relentless. You are slightly taken aback – you don’t know him like that, so… hard. Yet, you can’t keep these desperate moans from coming out of you as he thrusts at his own pace.
“Sei…” you try to articulate.
“Fuck… you’ll never say that stupid thing again, right?” He pants against your ears.
“N- no” you mewl.
“Say that you care about me.”
His tone is dominating, but the second you meet his eyes, you know how much he needs to hear this. It strikes you violently, how much you must have hurt him by saying that you didn’t care about him, about the both of you.
“I care so much Seijurō” you manage to let out.
“You do?”
You nod before hungrily kissing him.
“I love you” you almost cry.
And maybe it’s hearing those words, but something awakens in him. His thrusts become gentler, but he maintains his pace, and you feel his fingers circle your clitoris. You grab his shoulders, feeling yourself struggling as your legs turn to jelly.
“I really fucking love you.”
Your lips lay sweet kisses all over his face while he gently caresses your hair. At this very second, you ponder why is he even with you. After the words you’ve uttered to him in a moment of absurd rage, he stills treats you so lovingly...
“My heart, look at me.”
His voice brings you back to Earth. With stars in your eyes, you look at his handsome face, feeling tears coming up. You’re unable to tell if they’re from the pleasure you’re feeling, or the scare you’ve had for the whole day of loosing your boyfriend finally coming down; but these pearls gather at the corner of your eyes.
“Never again, huh?”
He doesn’t have to say more for you to understand that he’s referring to your fight. You shake your head and he smiles, giving you one hard kiss before picking up his pace.
In the following minutes, everything is a blur. You figure, in a short moment of clarity, that you’ve reached your orgasm, and the less controlled thrusts of Seijurō let you know that he is close to his. It doesn’t take long for him to cum, filling you up.
“God...”
He laughs faintly, as you fall against him.
“So... we’re putting this behind us? I mean, this morning?”
He nods, leaving a sweet kiss on your lips.
“I’ve never intended to let such thing take too much importance.”
#i'm sorry i took so long omg but i really wanted to do proper work#hope you enjoy it <3#knb#kuroko no basuke#knb x reader#akashi seijuro#akashi x reader#knb smut#knb fic#akashi smut
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A Summer to Remember Ch4
CW: internalized homophobia
the f slur and queer used as a slur
[Ned Pov]
My eyes fluttered open to the sound of birds early in the morning. It was still dark outside. I looked down at Maude who was spooned into my arms. I recalled the conversation we had last night. As much as I wanted to hide from it, it was clear that I was homosexual. . .a queer. The word queer made me wince for some reason. I was gay, I was a gay man. It made too much sense. I bit my lip suddenly remembering something that happened in my youth. I remembered being in a group of. . . secular non-Christian people. It was the early 70s and no one knew where I was. They didn't have to know. It was simple teen curiosity; there was a desire to explore the world that was kept away from me. Again, I always had an innate curiosity to understand. It's impossible for a person to be perfectly free from sin. It was only human nature to have sinful tendencies. What I'm trying to say is I tried marijuana. It wasn't that bad. I actually felt less stressed than I usually was but let's not focus on that. There was this boy. This boy who was good with the guitar. He had long hair and wore blush from time to time. He called himself bisexual. I remembered how comfortable I had gotten with him one afternoon where we all were hanging out by a river. I remember the smoke and the lesbians who had made love in the shallow water. There were s'mores and homemade tea. By all logic I should have felt scared I was there; I wasn't.
I got up close to him by my own will, I remember. He asked me if I had ever kissed a boy before. I hadn't. He asked if I wanted to. Despite the quiet guilt in my soul I nodded. We kissed and kissed again and again until I got a hang of the rhythm. I liked it. The more I reflected on the memory, I remembered how much I enjoyed it. I stared at the window thinking while watching the warm glow of sunrise touch the curtains. I really am gay aren't I?
I looked down when I felt Maude move and wake up. She stretched her arms and legs and blinked awake. She smiled at me, "Good morning."
"Mornin."
She pressed a small kiss on my cheek and sat up.
"You don't have to do that kind of stuff to me if you're not comfortable."
"Hm? Oh. .I'm sorry it just felt natural I don't know. Are you uncomfortable?"
"No, not at all. . .shouldn't I be uncomfortable?"She shrugged. "It doesn't mean anything inherently romantic to me. . .does that sound silly?"
I shook my head, "I don't think so. .but I get what you mean."
She rubbed her eyes and played with her hair.
"So. . when you said you where gay last night do you mean. .?"
"That I'm a. . . lesbian? Yeah, yeah I think I'm a lesbian. Sounds right."
"That's just lovely Maude."
She frowned, "Is it? I. .thought it wasn't right to be. .-"
I laid there thinking for a minute, "Is it really wrong?"
"I'm not sure. . "
"It's just love. I can't see what's so wrong about it. . . Maude I. .I kissed a boy when I was younger." Why did I suddenly feel ashamed? It was just a kiss. Imagine what my uncle would say. He'd probably call me a f*gg*t or something. What would Reverend Lovejoy say? I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.
"Oh? Hm. . . was it nice?"
"Yeah. ." I stared at the wall again.
"Are you going to tell them?"
"Me?"
She nodded.
"I'm not sure. You?"
"I'm too scared."
"I understand." I pet her upper back to comfort her.
[Maude pov]
After breakfast we followed Tim and Helen led us to the Rock climbing area. There was this gigantic wall in front of us. It had multicolored rubber rocks that I adored. It wasn't my first rodeo with rock climbing. I had climbed with Ned plenty of times. I smiled up at them with anticipation. I had on some white tee from a church event and
jean shorts that reached my knees.
"Now this exercise is supposed to encourage teamwork and support in each other. When this world brings you down you need to have someone to encourage you." Helen explained as Timothy put on a harness. Helen looked at me puzzled as I put on one myself.
"What? It's not on backwards is it?"
"Oh, no it's just that. . ." She trailed off looking at my harness. She bit her lip lightly for a second before her concentration quickly returned. "Well I was going to have Ned climbing the wall but that's fine that works. . .Maude, are you sure you can?"
"I've done this many times." I smiled and laughed.
"Oh. Okay." She said a bit surprised.
Was it just me or did she blush? Was she checking me out. . .? No, no it had to be my imagination. I dismissed any other possibility of why she looked at me like that.
Once me and Tim were set up we started our climb. I made a speedy start grabbing onto each rock I saw available. It was fairly easy. I made a mental note of the colors. I loved them. Red pink yellow pink orange red blue green red turquoise. I focused on the rocks and moving.
"You got this Maude!" Ned cheered. I smiled and kept on climbing. I glanced over at Timothy who was only a couple feet from the ground. It seemed I had more upper arm strength than him. I wouldn't have guessed.
"I believe in you Timothy! You're doing great. One at a time." Helen cheered, encouraging him. God bless her, she's so sweet. He nodded and slowly found himself a bit higher. At some point I got stuck.
"Go left, use your legs!" Ned coached. I nodded and did as he advised. Tim had caught up with me before I made my way ahead of him again. Before I knew it I was at the very top.
I sat on the wall and smiled as Ned clapped for me. Helen was clapping too. So cute of her. I stared out at the trees and the shimmering lake as Tim was making the rest of his way up. Do I like Helen? I asked myself. Of course I did, she's been my best friend for years. But, Ned was also mine for longer. Yet, something in her sparkled that hadn't in Ned. Every time I had saw her, things we're better. I felt . .giddy. Oh. . .oh. I do love her. I love her more than anything. My chest had ached. Oh God, I love her.
"I'm so proud of you!" I looked down at Helen who was cheering at her husband who loved her too. She loved him. She loves him, not me. She's straight, I think. It didn't matter anyways. I sighed. Still I couldn't help but smile. I was in love and couldn't do anything about it. I wonder how Ned was coping with this yearning. I then faced the wall and quickly leaped my way down. With gravity and my emotions taking over me I couldn't help but laugh. I landed on the ground giggling. "That was fun." I snorted and covered my mouth blushing. But then she laughed too. "Oh Maude, that's adorable." She put an arm around my shoulder. Oh God I could kiss her right now. She's so close yet so far from reach. So I just stood there blushing and smiling. Tim slowly but surely came down with a bit of a dizzy stumble. Ned was close and caught him. For a moment the two men were arm in arm. Tim smiled bashfully and a tad embarrassed.
"Thanks."
Ned stared at him a moment before helping him stand-up straight. "You did great, Reverend." Neddy said smiling. The poor thing. He must feel the same ache in his soul. He has to.
[Ned pov]
Later that day I found Timothy by the river. He was just sitting there watching it flow. I had to ask. I needed to know what he thought on the matter. Despite everything, I felt in my soul it was right and only natural. But I just needed to know. You always need to know, it'll be death of you, Ned. I sighed and walked up to him before sitting by him on the grass by the sore. "Hi Reverend."
"Ned, we're friends, you can just call me Timothy. Really I insist."
"Of course. Timothy," his name was so intense. Calling him by his name was so tender and intimate it almost felt wrong. "I wanted to talk to you about something. Well, I at least wanted to hear your thoughts on the matter."
"What is it?" He looked at me slightly exhausted. I felt a pang of guilt. He probably wanted a break from being asked things everyday. It had to be exhausting. But I needed to know. I knew it was important.
"What do you think about homosexuality?"
"Hmm. . ." He hummed and looked out on the lake. "Sexual deviance isn't a good thing."
"Deviance?" I felt a bit hurt. Was it really cheating if my wife knew how I felt. I mean, it would be if I kissed a married man. I wanted to kiss a married man. Am I lusting? Is this sin? The homosexuality couldn't be though. "Is it really deviance??"
Tim paused to think again. "Well. Hm. There are some verses-"
"I know, I've heard about them. But I don't think they're talking about homosexuality. It could be just an error. It could be referring to a completely different sin. But if you don't mind my boldness Reverend, I really don't think it's a sin at all."
He nodded slowly, pensive.
"There are verses that have forbidden the consumption of some meats that were unsafe at the time. . .hmm. That's not a sin at all anymore. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding. Prophets are still human after all." He stared at the water. "I suppose homosexuality isn't so bad. Why, it's not bad at all. I mean everyone feels sexuality . . .right?" He looked a bit confused. I wasn't sure why. Was he gay? No. . . was he?
"I believe so."
He stared at the water thinking, I assume. I looked at those hands that tempted me. Guilt was burning me alive.
"Timothy I've been sinning!"
He looked at me startled at my outburst.
"Ned. . Ned, why are you asking me about this? Is. .this why you and Maude are having issues? Are you gay?"
I froze.
"Ned you said it yourself and I agree, I don't think homosexuality is a legit sin."
"No. I mean, no that's not the issue." I felt my eyes water.
"Ned. ."
"I've been lusting after a married man! That's a sin!"
"Ned. . .are you talking about me? Do you like me that way?" His eyes were wide.
"I do." I started to cry.
"Why are you crying?"
I looked at him like he was absurd.
"It's lusting!"
"Eh, well. You're not acting on it. I'm sure the Lord understands your intentions and will forgive them."
I shrugged, "I understand if you're uncomfortable. ."
"Not really. Don't worry about it."
"I just don't want to ruin anything."
"I understand."
"How long have you felt like this?"
"I . .I don't know. Maybe I was born like this."
"Born??" He looked confused.
"Well not literally. I mean. I've just always liked men." I rubbed my arm anxiously. I was still trying to make peace with myself.
Timothy stared at the ground, his eyes furrowed.
"Like them?"
"Yeah. Like I've just always wanted to. . .kiss them and stuff. You know?"
He slowly shook his head looking a bit lost.
"I don't understand."
I suddenly felt sick. Did he think my attraction was that weird?
"It's just the same feeling that you get with women."
He fiddled with his hands. He looked really uncomfortable.
"What's wrong? Is it me?"
"No it's not you. You're fine Ned I promise. I'm glad you decided to come to me about this." He closed his eyes and bit at his finger gingerly. I had seen him do this a couple times. It was usually when he got stressed or something. "Does Maude know?"
"Yeah. She took it well."
"Good." He stood up and walked off.
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betts, you've always given amazing writing advice in the past, so I'm coming to you with a question that legitimately keeps me up at night. I really want to write literary fiction. the only issue is - whenever I start writing that kind stuff, it immediately starts turning into porn? like, obviously, there is plot and stuff but it feels like ultimately all I want to write is people fucking and all the fall out that comes with it. is there a way to make this more ~literary? or is it just erotica?
i actually have a real, serious answer to this!!
so, before the MFA, all i’d written was porn. it was all i knew how to write. i got to the MFA, and my first semester i decided to workshop candy tongue. bad idea. i was so comfortable writing for my fandom audience that i wasn’t aware of the stodgy nature of non-fandom audiences. my cohort was fine reading the incest stuff and the gratuitous sex, but they had trouble giving me feedback because they didn’t understand the point of it. and truly, there was none. i made maggie a gold-star submissive because i wanted to, even though it had no real function in the story. i wrote like 4 graphic sex scenes into a 25k novella, and i workshopped it, and made everyone, myself included, deeply uncomfortable.
i decided i could not write porn in my MFA. i was allowed and even encouraged by my thesis advisor, but ultimately i didn’t want the stress of it hanging over my head. so i started writing about money, and picking through my resentment toward my decade spent in finance. in fact the working title of my thesis was Sex & Money. i workshopped each story without being nervous at all, and realized i was taking no risks. by the end of my MFA, i really thought i was pulling my punches.
and let me share the results of this sex/money content divide -- i’ve sent five stories out for publication. the two that haven’t picked up are the ones about money. the three that have been picked up are about sex. in one, a middle-aged woman buys her first dildo. that one won an award. in another, a 22 year old woman pursues her middle-aged boss. that one got nominated for a PEN. and in my most recent publication, an asexual masochist falls in love with his professional sadist.
what i’m saying is, sex and stories about it are important. i’ve since separated my thesis collection into two -- zucchini, which is about (a)sexual exploration told through realism/absurdism, and dotted lines, which is a collection of fabulist stories about commodification and regulation. will they ever be published? probably not. will they ever even be finished? who knows! i’m a novelist, not a short storyist.
the resolution to your problem isn’t in how to avoid porn. rather you should ask, why do you write porn in the first place? and that answer is most likely: it’s the easiest conflict to write, and it exposes the characters’ true colors and intentions most easily. it’s a tool to uncover the story you are trying to tell. when you write two characters banging it out, you are resolving their conflict of desire in a tangible way. moreover, it’s an extremely high stake. when characters have sex, they’re at their most vulnerable, their most exposed. they’re literally laid bare for you, the writer, to see. if you think about the highest possible stakes in a story, it boils down to creation and destruction, sex and death. writing about death is a fucking bummer, so you’re left with sex to figure out who your characters really are.
with porn, so many of your decisions -- like what and why, you know, conflict and motive -- are made for you, and you can focus on the important stuff, like pacing and voice and character. i firmly believe that when you begin any major project, you can’t make all your decisions at once. you can only make a few at a time, draft over draft, until eventually you’ve created an entire world. if all character A wants is to bang character B, you can get him across that distance without figuring out the make and model of the car he drives, or how often he calls his grandmother. those are decisions that can be made later, after your characters boink.
i have accepted that nearly everything i write will have what i call a “prime draft” in polite company but which is actually a porn draft. this isn’t even a first draft, it’s the 0th draft, where anything goes, and my id can run wild. the entire purpose of the porn draft can be frivolous nonsense with no depth or complexity. completely pressure-free and all for funsies. but i have to tell the story the fun way, the story i want to tell, to figure out what the story even is, what work it’s doing, and what i maybe want it to become later. in the porn draft, i’m allowing myself to focus on certain decisions, and sacrifice others for future drafts.
when i sit down and think of a novel i want to write, and that novel is Real and Important and tackling Difficult Topics, my boner flags. that’s not fun. i’m not inspired by seriousness or profound meaning. i may have all these important things i want to say in my writing, but in terms of the actual act, i mostly want to entertain and engage myself. and call me shallow, but the fastest way to do that is by giving me a hot character who is pining over another hot character, and they fuck a lot.
once i’ve written the porn draft, i can go through and uncover the ~literary work i’m trying to do and the messages i’m trying to convey. usually i’ve figured out the major beats of the story, the voice, setting, motivations, etc. -- all things that are hard for me to figure out on the front end -- and i rework it into something more palatable for major audiences, that actually is Real and Important and tackling Difficult Topics.
the thing is, often the work i’m trying to do is about sex and sexual exploration, identity and its discovery, so usually i can’t take out all the porn. but i can make sure each scene is focused not on the pleasure or arousal i intended in the porn draft, but what i mean to uncover in my characters and plot by having it occur. that’s the difference between literary fiction and erotica -- in erotica, you’re trying to arouse your audience’s body; in literature, you’re trying to arouse their heart :’)
sex is allowed to and should exist in literature. some of my favorite literary works have tons of sex in them. it is not something to be shied away from or self-censored. if you want to write about sex, you should. but let the story tell you its underlying intentions, and in future drafts, pull those discoveries to the forefront of the story.
i wrote training wheels solely for the detention scene in chapter 8. everything that happened up to that point was leading to that scene that i desperately wanted to write. and now, in the original fiction version, it doesn’t exist. it was scaffolding, an illusion i was chasing to lower the pressure on myself and convince myself i didn’t have to take anything seriously. but once the story was built and i saw what it really was, i could remove that scaffolding because the piece stands stronger without it. now, on the fourth draft, it’s no longer the story i originally intended it to be. it’s its own beast. there’s still a ton of sex in it, but it’s more subtle now, less over the top and gratuitous. it still ends in overt bdsm. i didn’t sacrifice any of that, because that was the work of the story. what i did sacrifice was descriptions of enormous throbbing cocks and characters coming 5 times in a row.
same goes for some of my km prompts like coping skills and shut up and kill me -- stories that have way too much sex in them right now but have literary merit yet to be uncovered. coping skills might currently be a noncon pissplay fic, but it’s also a world in which character A has given blanket consent to character B, and B takes advantage of it, and beneath all that, they still somehow love each other. it’s an interesting space to explore, ripe for a story in which maybe nobody pees on anybody else, or maybe they do and it’s described in a different way. whatever might happen in that space, i needed the porn draft to even see those characters in that world with that conflict. and now i have it, and i can build something else with it.
writing advice tag | ko-fi
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Having not long found this blog I'm now currently reading it alongside my current re-read of the story (currently in book 4) but I first started reading the series in 99. I wonder how especially given your amazing knack for calling things how would you have coped having to have years between books just to see what happens? I know you have it now with the Stormlight Archive which I really enjoy too. But for me there was something about RJ's writing the build up where waits for books were torturou
Hello and welcome! Well, a belated welcome, anyway, since I seem to be incapable of responding to messages in anything resembling a reasonable timeframe, these days.
Anyway, yeah, I can imagine the wait between books would have been rather excruciating. There’s definitely a very different feel to a series you approach as a completed work, where you know you’ll only have to wait for answers for as long as it takes you to turn the page (or, in my case, to…um…anyway yes I’m working on it, shhhhh) than there is to diving into a series that is years if not decades from completion.
One of the things that’s most noticeably different, at least for me, is that this side of a finished series, there’s an almost eerie silence where a series in progress has a hungry fandom full of conversation and spiralling theories and often absurd infighting and endless, endless speculation of all forms. Harry Potter fandom circa 2002…what a time. And yes, Stormlight Archive now. There’s a very specific brand of delightful and yet liberating frustration that comes of knowing that no matter what you do, you cannot have the absolute certainty of an answer now. You cannot know - you can speculate and guess and run with theories both plausible and absurd to your heart’s content - what the author’s truth will be until it has been written and read. You can be very close to certain, but you can’t actually know.
It’s fun. Or infuriating. Or boring. Take your pick, really. But when the series is finished, it all takes on a different feel. Not better or worse necessarily, but different. There’s something about knowing that you could have the answers in an instant that makes it laughably easy to wait. To speculate at leisure rather than with the frenzied desperation of the need to prepare yourself for what’s coming, when you know full well that you can’t. Surrounded by hundreds or thousands of other fans in the same state, magnifying everything.
The thing with mass fan speculation, though, is that while many of the answers can be found in the archives and forums and margin notes in the aftermath, they’re diluted and buried by a deluge of dead ends and false leads and wishful thinking and some good old-fashioned absurdity. That’s half the fun, of course, if that’s your sort of thing. But with a work in progress, when the side of fandom inclined towards such speculation and theorising has plenty of time to stew in its own juices, you can end up with things that ultimately veer wildly, often hilariously away from what ends up being published in the next book, just because there are so many people with so many ideas. Follow one, and take it somewhere interesting, and then someone else follows it, and then and then and then…and it’s fun. It’s a way of interacting with a story in progress, of giving it a vast infinity of endings before it has a single one, of generating a multiverse from a single point source.
But it also, I think, can make it harder to actually predict things the way they ultimately end up written, just because you’re exposed to so much else surrounding the story, so many other things bouncing around inside the space, playing off of each other and the story and gaining or losing context and traction along the way.
All this to say, Wheel of Time has been a fascinating one for me because, relatively isolated as I’ve made myself from any external discussion of the series but without the pressing need to know everything now that comes of the impossibility of knowing everything now in a series that is not yet finished, it’s a chance to read and consider and think and play around in a rather empty, quiet, peaceful space. It’s a different kind of fun. It’s fucking weird sometimes, don’t get me wrong, and there are also times where it feels entirely artificial - after all, why speculate when everyone reading your speculation knows the answer and therefore there’s no point attempting to convince or persuade or even walk through your own reasoning - but that’s…oddly enough, part of the fun. There’s no pressure, when you’re immediately right or wrong and everyone but you knows it. It’s oddly freeing, in a way. I can sit here and write hundreds of words on why I think something is going to happen, when it ‘happened’ half my lifetime ago. Most fan theories of an ongoing series at least get some time during which they exist in a state not unlike that of Schrödinger’s cat; mine are instead immediately alive or dead.
And I think in some ways that makes it easier to figure things out. Which is not to say I haven’t had my share of very dead cats in boxes (at least Schrödinger didn’t try it with a dragon), but rather that I have the luxury of working in relative silence, so to speak. It has its benefits and drawbacks - I lose out on the wisdom of the crowd in some things, but I also get space to think free of influence or persuasion of things I might never have even considered otherwise. Ever seen those few fan theories that become absurdly prevalent to the point of being accepted as more or less canon, despite being truly absurd? (Those are delightful, in their way, sometimes. Ah, fandom…) I’m not exposed to those, and I don’t feel like I have to generate them or discuss them just to have a place in the conversation. I just call out what I think I can see or speculate on, and stay quieter on the things I can’t yet figure out.
(It also helps that WoT was written long enough ago and had enough of an influence on subsequent works that things that may at the time have been new and different and surprising have in many cases become familiar staples of the genre. The whole thing has been like some weird experiment on the effects of time and continuity and completion on a reader in a vacuum. With a possibly dead cat floating in the box beside her).
#the enormous difference between reading a completed series#and reading a series in progress#is something I think about a lot#time is weird#asks#anon#regarding the liveblog#fandom et circenses
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I've recently stumbled across the word "otherkin" and it seems to describe certain feelings I have, but the tumblr tags seem to be full of unuseful information and, well, silliness. I'm sort of looking for people to talk to while I try to sort myself out, without making too much light of it. Do you have any advice on sifting through everything?
Besides going ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA’ and never doing anything about it?
First things first. You’re new, so we’re going to divide this into two parts. Part one, crash course on otherkinity, alterhumanity, and the little branches of it you should know about. Those words and terms will help you figure out what’s what. Part two is great, you know all these terms, how do you sort through the mess that is kinfeels.
Under a readmore because long, since I ramble sometimes. I’m glad you asked, and if you have any further questions, hit me up again and I’ll do what I can.
Part One: What Even Is Otherkinity
Otherkinity is identifying involuntarily and nonphysically as something nonhuman. You aren’t saying you are physically this thing (as you are physically human), you cannot choose to be this thing and can’t choose not to be this thing, and you do not identify as human 100%.
The modifiers: Fictionkin means you can be something that is human, but it must be fictional (like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson or smth). You can be a member of a fictional species that isn’t human (like the Elf Queen’s Daughters of the early 70s that started the fictionkin community). It is still involuntary and nonphysical.
Otherkinity is divided into three ‘main’ branches: therianthropy, otherkinity, and fictionkind. Therians (or therianthropes) ID as an animal that has been or is on Earth. Like dinosaurs or foxes. There are an absurd amount of wolf therians here on tumblr. Those that are obviously faking or haven’t questioned enough for even themselves and just went with ‘wolf’ because it’s cool are called wolfaboos. Usually I just don’t talk to them, since to each their own and they’re not actively being annoying, but please don’t just “oh I’m not human clearly I’m a wolf” the moment you get kinfeels. Things don’t... work... like that...
Anyway. Otherkinity as a sublabel of itself generally has within it our conceptkin (I’m calling it that for now. Things like voidkin or starkin), theriomythics (fantasy animals within mythology such as unicorns and youkai), draconics (draconity, which is dragons and pretty self explanatory), the vampire and were____ communities, and probably a few others.
Fictionkind I already went over. I have three kintypes that are fictionkind in nature. They are called fictotypes for this reason. (Kintypes is the label for all of them, but there is also theriotypes and fictotypes for therianthropy and fictionkind.)
Those fictotypes are Pale Noël from the Evillious Chronicles, a noncanon Devil from DSP’s works, and an Absol from Pokemon. As I have more than two kintypes, I am in what we call ‘polykin hell’. Though tbh, most people put themselves in polykin hell when they’re up past five. Poor guys.
The things that are close to otherkinity but not actually it!
Copinglinkers- They ID as something voluntarily to cope with something. Usually trauma or mental illness. While not otherkin, they are alterhuman and do belong in our community. They are also called copingkin, which is a bit outdated but since copinglink is a new term, I’ll let it slide. (It was coined by @who-is-page, actually, and they are a delight to follow if you want to see antikin absolutely dragged through the mud.)
Otherhearted- Those who identify not as something but with it. As an example, I am faehearted and shadowhearted. I identify with those things because one of my fictotypes did, and that carried over. It is very easy to mistake heartfeels for kinfeels. Regardless, like c’linkers and ‘kin they are alterhuman and totally rad.
Synpaths- Tbh I’m not quite sure what’s the difference between synpaths and ‘hearted. (I have heard it is ‘ID with this’ versus ‘I want to hug that’ but you should not be asking me; as I don’t have a fuckin’ clue.) Either way, if you think you have a synpath go research that. Please don’t ask me, I don’t know. All I know is that they exist and they do stuff, so they’re worth mentioning.
There are also ways to be otherkin, for lack of a better term. Ways you explain why you identify as these things. There are two main ‘branches’ to this: spiritual and psychological. There are also religious, cultural, and probably a few other reasons, but let’s go with the ones off the top of my head.
Spiritual- Can be anything from ‘my soul is this and my body is not’ to ‘I was this in a past life, and it is still relevant’. (You can have past lives that aren’t kintypes. The difference is simply how much they affect you. I do believe I had a life a fuckass long time ago in second age Senntisten, but as it isn’t relevant outside of vague memories of fire, it isn’t a fictotype of mine.)
Psychological- Anything from ‘I used this as a c’link at one point but it is now irreversible, and I am this now’ to ‘My brain decided to be wired weird and now I ID as this’. Essentially, you have a psychological reasoning for being kin or hearted or whatev. Psychological otherkin get thrown under the bus a lot because really angry copinglinks insist they’re kin and we’re “gatekeeping ableist jerks”. The difference is that c’links choose and can drop their identity. Psychological otherkin cannot. The line can be pretty blurred, and in that case you’d best just slap down “I am this, currently questioning if c’link or kintype”. Literally nobody can yell at you for that. I’ve had to do it before. Never did figure out what it was, but it doesn’t matter now.
Religious- I don’t see this one as often, but I think it’s something along the lines of ‘my God wants me to feel like I’m this for X reason’? Or maybe it’s a past life thing that your religious says you have. (I think Buddhism does that, but I am no religious scholar and I might be wrong.)
Cultural- I’ve seen this mostly in Native American folks, but I’m sure they’re not the only ones. What I have seen is ‘my family have always been crows, so I am a crow therian’. I don’t know much about Native cultures, despite having grown up around them, so I suppose if you had cultural reasons, you’d already know? I do believe spirit animals play into this, but I’m what we call ‘exotic white bread’ and I am not the authority. But I also don’t know who to redirect you to about this. Hm. I’m gonna have to go asking around.
And of course, to finish off part one: multiplicity. That’s a fun one.
Multiple systems aren’t kin. Not hearted either or anything. They’re the other ‘main branch’ of being alterhuman. They are usually several people trying to pilot one body. They use terms like fictive, which is not fictionkin(d), though the two get confused an awful lot. A fictionkind person is someone who IDs as someone or something fictional. A fictive is a part of a multiple system who IS that person, with usually no other identity.
Using myself as an example: I am fictionkind, and one of my fictotypes has green hair. I do not have green hair right now, and that fictotype is not my entire identity. A fictive is more like “hi I’m Harry Potter and I live here now, in your body, with you”. That would be his entire identity: he is Harry Potter.
Factives are close to that, but real people that do or have existed on Earth. That’s like “hi I’m Shakespeare and I live here now”. It’s possible to have system members that are neither. That’s chill.
Supposedly, multiple systems can be both trauma-born and not-trauma-born. The latter is usually called endogenic, I think. DID/OSDD are two disorders that cause multiplicity, but as far as I know they are not the only ways to have multiplicity. You can soulbond and things, which is like the copinglink for multiplicity as in you bring someone in voluntarily. (Tulpas are also a multiplicity thing.)
Part Two: How Do I Deal With Maybe Being Otherkin Without Just Screaming Into The Void
First things first. My way is not the only way to do it. It is one method, but it tends to work for lots of people so here’s the method I know. It’s chill to ask around and figure out what others do, and then find the method that works for you.
Second things second. Do not ask a pendulum or divination blog to kinfirm something. It is a terrible method. You can divine yourself, but do not ask anyone online. Nobody’s divination is always right, and when you’re doing it online, the chance of being right drops exponentially. Bad method, 0/10 do not recommend. (You can totally divine for yourself, though. My tarot deck is particularly sassy about my own god complex from kinfeels.)
And the actual method.
1. Go create a sideblog. Name it whatever, find a nice theme you like. Make sure it is readable and not just pretty.
2. Make a tags page. I suggest doing this over a couple of days, because you are going to forget what tags you need. You want to sort between ‘angry vagueing about nothing making sense’ from ‘feels related to this’.
3. Document EVERYTHING EVER. If you think it is kin related, write that down. If you have vague memories of something, write that down too. Tag it appropriately, if only so you can find it later. (’tag later’ is a good tag if you’re on the go and know you’ll forget if you don’t write it down now.)
What I also do is fill this blog specifically with images that resonate with me. I use a queue and tagging system for this. (White blossoms is the tag for gentle TLW things; whereas black blossoms is General Edge(TM).) You should put images that resonate with you in a Particularly Kin Way on that blog. If it’s art or anything, remember to source it, though. Reblog, don’t repost.
Also, if you’re into requesting things from kin blogs like stimboards or aesthetics, have a reqs tag for them! Keeps it all in one place and you know where you got them from. I like JUST put in mine and I am angry I didn’t do it before.
Then, self introspection. You need to ask why on everything ever. Question things. Do you do insertthinghere because your parents said so, or does it seem like you just have to?
If questioning feels very upsetting or uncomfortable, stop for the day. I don’t recommend any more than an hour and half in one go. Your brain will confirm things that aren’t true in order to work with you. (Confirmation bias, I think it’s called.) Keep the questioning to short bursts, even if you’re on a roll.
If you must go longer, document document DOCUMENT. Writing things down makes them clearer, and halfway through writing you’ll go “oh shit that’s why that happens”.
It’s okay if your writing is messy or only makes sense to you. This is all your own, and how you go about it is entirely your decision.
Questioning should take you weeks or months. There are a few outliers who can kinfirm something in two days and be right, but let’s be honest here: nobody likes them because we all envy them and want to be them, so we don’t like them. All jokes aside, keep it to a pace you can handle and don’t bite off more than you can chew.
Got all that? Good. Now do a shit ton of research. If you’re questioning, say, harpykin, chase links across Wikipedia and read everything you can get your hands on about harpies. You might come across something else that’s close to it: off the top of my head, the Maximum Ride series, for example, is close-ish to harpies. Check that out too, but if it doesn’t resonate, don’t push it. If it ain’t a thing and you know it isn’t, don’t bother with it, it’ll get you nowhere.
Ask around! Don’t be afraid to ask someone “hey do you think this could happen?” Nobody’s input is the end all be all, but if they’re someone you think is educated on the matter, take it into consideration. (You would not believe how much of an idiot I felt like while doing research on demonology and a friend pointed out that Christianity is not the only religion with demons. It’s obvious, but never occurred to me. You will get that feeling at some point. Happens to the best of us.)
Lastly, go at your own pace. And if you have done all of this, it will be several months from now. Go back and look at your oldest kin documents. You will understand it all so much better, and you’ll mentally high-five your past self for knowing so little, but being so full of hope anyway.
Of course, if after all of this someone tries to invalidate you, it won’t work. You’ll have done the research, the self introspection, the grueling grind of “why why why?”. They can’t tell you the sky is red if you’re not colourblind. If they try to grill you for your information, you can point them nicely towards your probably-a-trainwreck of a sideblog and they will see your documented adventure of ‘what am I?’. And then they will stop talking, because you have proven that you know what’s up.
And as the very last piece of advice? You will be wrong. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You can be questioning. You can say “I don’t fucking know!!”. You are allowed to have bumps and wrong turns in your journey. They will happen. It’s okay. Take a deep breath, see where you might have made a mistake, write that down, and keep going. Progress is progress. You’ll figure it out eventually, no need to know it all right this very minute.
I hope this helps, little anon! This is how I came to find out I was- and I’m not done yet, either. I have some oceanic kinfeels that I know exist but don’t know what they are: fuckers better show themselves to me soon because I’m onto them. Who knows where that adventure will take me.
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Back to Sundance we go for another year of discovery. What's on the line-up this year? Out of the 110+ films showing at the 2019 Sundance Film Festival, I've chosen 10 that I'm looking forward to seeing the most. To keep things well balanced, I've chosen 5 feature films and 5 documentaries from the line-up. There are so many films playing at the fest, and so many I'll end up seeing (30+), that this is a quick list to get everyone acquainted with some of the work premiering in 2019 (I just want to go see everything). There are new films from filmmakers like Ritesh Batra and Lulu Wang, and incredible documentaries that are also worthy of our attention, plus many other films. You never really know what will good or bad, but here's my first few picks.
This is my 13th year in a row returning to Sundance, starting back in 2007. I'm so excited to be attending Sundance once again, and can't wait to dive into the films more than anything. There's so many I am curious to watch from this year's line-up. For now, here's my Top 10 most anticipated films before the fest begins.
Alex's Most Anticipated \Sundance 2019/ Feature Films:
Hala
Directed by Minhal Baig
I've been following filmmaker Minhal Baig (mostly on Twitter @minhalbaig) for a while now, and she is ready to finally break out big and show everyone how talented she really is. Hala is her second feature film following her debut 1 Night, and it's much more personal this time. The story is about a Muslim teenager named Hala - played by Geraldine Viswanathan - who lives in Chicago with her immigrant parents from Pakistan. There she copes with the unraveling of her family as she comes into her own. It's a coming-of-age story but told from an entirely different angle that we rarely see, as Sundance explains that Baig "brings a vital and layered female perspective to the coming-of-age genre." They add that she "crafts a character and story with immense relatability and unexpected consequence." I've been looking forward to seeing this ever since I first heard about it, and I'm excited that it's finally ready to premiere at Sundance. Congrats, Minhal.
Photograph
Directed by Ritesh Batra
Back in 2013, I fell in love with a little film called The Lunchbox, starring Irrfan Khan and Nimrat Kaur. After making two other English-language films, Our Souls at Night and The Sense of an Ending (both from 2017), filmmaker Ritesh Batra returns to his roots and his hometown in India with Photograph. Set in Mumbai, the film is about a struggling street photographer, pressured to marry by his grandmother, who convinces a shy stranger to pose as his fiancée. The pair develops a connection that transforms them in ways that they could not expect. As a photographer myself, I'm already intrigued. But I've also got a good feeling this might be a magical, lovely new film from Ritesh Batra and I'm looking forward to seeing where he takes us. If it's anywhere close to as sweet and as honest as The Lunchbox was, it will be another instant favorite.
Little Monsters
Directed by Abe Forsythe
There's always one or two films in the Midnight section that I have to see, just because they sound so crazy and fun. Little Monsters is exactly one of those that I'm going to stay up late to watch. Described as a "film dedicated to all the kindergarten teachers who motivate children to learn, instill them with confidence, and stop them from being devoured by zombies." The massively talented Lupita Nyong'o stars as that teacher, taking on an extra bloody role that will hopefully allow her to show off more of her badass side. Plus there's always room for more zombies movies, right? Why not, they're always entertaining. "Armed only with the resourcefulness of kindergartners, [they] must work together to keep the monsters at bay and carve a way out with their guts intact." I'm fairly certain this will be a good one, especially with the late night audience.
I Am Mother
Directed by Grant Sputore
One of the few sci-fi films playing at Sundance, which means I have to see it no matter what. But it also looks and sounds compelling. I Am Mother features a robot designed by Weta Workshop in New Zealand, and marks the directorial debut of an award-winning commercials director from Australia named Grant Sputore. And yes, the story seems quite promising. A teenage girl is raised underground by a kindly robot "Mother" - designed to repopulate the earth following the extinction of humankind. But their unique bond is threatened when an inexplicable stranger arrives with alarming news. This reminds me a bit of Moon (which premiered at Sundance 2009) mashed up with other sci-fi concepts. The robot's design is familiar but sleek, and the handful of images they've released so far all look better than expected. Don't let me down, Sputore.
Velvet Buzzsaw
Directed by Dan Gilroy
So, this looks awesome! And totally insane! And weird, and captivating, and funny, and twisted, and sly, and wicked, and frightening. Velvet Buzzsaw is the latest film written & directed by Dan Gilroy, a screenwriter who turned director (or perhaps became a true auteur) making his debut with Nightcrawler in 2014, and following that up with Roman J. Israel, Esq. in 2017. This time he attacks the art world, with a film that seems to be about pieces of art coming to life and killing people. Something like that. The cast also is quite impressive: Jake Gyllenhaal, John Malkovich, Toni Collette, Rene Russo, Daveed Diggs. And this looks like the perfect follow-up to Ruben Östlund's Palme d'Or winning film The Square, with both films mocking and lambasting the absurdity of the modern art world. I'm so there. Watch the official trailer here.
More Feature Films I'm Looking Forward To Seeing: Lulu Wang's The Farewell, Rashid Johnson's Native Son, Paul Downs Colaizzo's Brittany Runs A Marathon, Nisha Ganatra's Late Night, David Wnendt's The Sunlit Night, Makoto Nagahisa's funky We Are Little Zombies, Noble Jones' The Tomorrow Man, Bert&Bertie's Troop Zero, JD Dillard's Sweetheart, Patrick Brice's Corporate Animals, Tayarisha Poe's Selah and the Spades, Daniel Scheinert's The Death of Dick Long, and May el-Toukhy's Queen of Hearts.
Alex's Most Anticipated \Sundance 2019/ Documentaries:
Memory: The Origins of Alien
Directed by Alexandre O. Philippe
A documentary about the making of Ridley Scott's original Alien! Say no more, I'm already there, I wouldn't miss this for anything. This is the latest doc film made by Swiss filmmaker Alexandre O. Philippe, who has been making docs about cinema and filmmaking for a while - including The People vs. George Lucas, and 78/52: Hitchcock's Shower Scene just before. I'm curious how much this will cover and how much it will uncover. It seems to focus more on how they came up with the original ideas and designs for the film, less so the filming or release. "Philippe's real interest lies in the deep resonance of myths and our collective unconscious. The strange symbiotic collaboration between Alien creators [Dan] O'Bannon, Scott, and H.R. Giger suggests a greater synchronicity across history, art, and storytelling, a synchronicity that gives us the Furies, creatures of Renaissance painting, and even chest-bursting aliens." Sounds damn good, right?
Moonlight Sonata: Deafness in Three Movements
Directed by Irene Taylor Brodsky
Another documentary that sounds exceptionally unique. The short Sundance description grabbed me right away: "A deeply personal portrait of three lives, and the discoveries that lie beyond loss: a deaf boy growing up, his deaf grandfather growing old, and Beethoven the year he was blindsided by deafness and wrote his iconic sonata." It's a multi-generational portrait of people dealing with deafness, capturing the complexity of silence and hearing. And I am more than intrigued to find out how filmmaker Irene Taylor Brodsky (of Hear and Now previously) examines these themes and weaves these three stories together. Sundance talks it up even more in their description of the film: "Brodsky explores the meaning of deafness, loss, and the power of silence as her son discovers his unique voice and her parents confront a new chapter of their lives," adding that it's "buoyed by a perceptive soundscape and luminous animation." I really want to see this doc.
Midnight Traveler
Directed by Hassan Fazili
There's always a remarkable doc discovery, or two, hidden in the Sundance line-up telling an unforgettable story from somewhere else around the world. Read about this film and you'll instantly get a feeling that it's going to be something special. Midnight Traveler is a documentary made by a filmmaker from Afghanistan, Hassan Fazili, who flees his home country and takes us on a perilous journey with his wife and two young daughters as they travel as refugees across Europe searching for a new home. It seems to be a very personal, inside look at the life of a family just trying to surviving on the run from certain death. "Chronicling every step from inside the action", Fazili's camera captures "not only the danger and desperation but also the exuberance and tenderness of this irresistible, loving family." Just look at that shot of them all in the snow above! They seem so loving, wonderful, and authentic. I want to see this just to meet and learn about them.
Apollo 11
Directed by Todd Douglas Miller
I'm a space nerd. I'm a big time fan of NASA. I'm surprised we haven't seen a documentary like this before, but I guess In the Shadow of the Moon is close (focusing on all of the Apollo missions). And I loved Damien Chazelle's First Man, which is also about Apollo 11, so I'm totally ready for this next. The documentary is purported to be an exhilarating cinematic experience, something that demands to be seen on the big screen. NASA has been digging out old footage and photographs and other artifacts from the vaults, putting all of the original footage from the Apollo 11 mission online + uncut audio recordings and more. Produced by CNN Films and Statement Pictures, this film "features never-before-seen, large-format film footage of one of humanity's greatest accomplishments." Oh yes. Can't wait to experience this. Watch the teaser trailer here.
Hail Satan?
Directed by Penny Lane
A documentary about the rise of the Satanic Temple religious movement? I'm certainly curious. And it's the latest doc film made by Penny Lane - a quietly talented, quirky, fun filmmaker behind other fantastically weird documentaries like Our Nixon, The Pain of Others, and Nuts! (about a guy who sold people a goat-testicle impotence cure - it premiered at Sundance 2016). I don't know how deep this is going to go, but I am intrigued to find out. Sundance references this eye-brow-raising part of the Satanic Temple's history in their description: "Through their dogged campaign to place a nine-foot, bronze Satanic monument smack dab next to the statue of the Ten Commandments on the Arkansas State Capitol lawn, the leaders of the temple force us to consider the true meaning of the separation of church and state." Sounds like something I have to see for myself, at the very least because no one else is making films about this fascinating topic anyway.
More Documentaries I'm Looking Forward To Seeing: Kenneth Paul Rosenberg's Bedlam, Steven Bognar & Julia Reichert's American Factory, Ben Berman's Amazing Johnathan Documentary, Ljubomir Stefanov & Tamara Kotevska's Honeyland, Petra Costa's Edge of Democracy, Garret Price's Love Antosha, Hepi Mita's Merata: How Mum Decolonised The Screen, Karim Amer & Jehane Noujaim's The Great Hack, Ursula Macfarlane's Untouchable, and Alex Gibney's latest The Inventor: Out for Blood in Silicon Valley.
For all of Alex's Sundance 2019 reviews and updates: Follow @firstshowing
For more Sundance 2019 previews around the web, highlighting early picks and potential breakouts, see: The Film Stage's 20 Most-Anticipated Premieres, and Indiewire's 21 Must-See Films At This Year's Festival. You never know what might be a big hit, and it's vital to have a pulse on the buzz – even before the festival starts. There's plenty of exciting and hopefully superb gems hidden in the 2019 line-up, bring on the films.
You can follow our Sundance 2019 coverage and updates in this category. The festival kicks off January 24th and runs until February 3rd, with lots of films to see every day. Let's jump right in and start watching.
from FirstShowing.net http://bit.ly/2FGN8w1
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