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lauralot89 · 8 months

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Unapologetic Assholes and the Fans Who Love Them

(It's me, I'm the fans, it's me.)

Every child has a character they want to be when they're growing up. Whether it's because they love the character itself (Han Solo is the greatest) or because they want to be part of the character's world (who doesn't want to be a mermaid?), there's always some fictional person a kid would swap lives with in a heartbeat.

For me as a child, that character was Veruca Salt.

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Now, Veruca Salt is a spoiled brat. She is THE spoiled brat. She has no redeeming qualities and if I ever met her in real life I wouldn't last five minutes without punching her in the teeth.

But I'd have given anything to be her.

Growing up autistic is growing up being wrong. You talk wrong, you laugh wrong, you interact with your peers wrong. You play wrong. Your interests are wrong and so is the way you talk about them. The things that upset you are irrational and insignificant and wrong. The bullying that other kids do to you isn't really bullying, you're just reacting wrong.

Everything about you and how you experience the world is wrong, and you need to get over it.

I couldn't even breathe without an adult jumping down my throat for how I did it, and I was undiagnosed, so I had no idea that there were others like me and I wasn't just some aberrant freak alone in the world.

But then there was Veruca Salt.

Veruca was never wrong. Even when she clearly was. Even when Veruca demanded the impossible, those around her bent over backwards to achieve it and fell over themselves apologizing when they couldn't. Veruca never apologized. Veruca always got what she wanted. She was like a cruel and angry god who only met her fate because she crossed paths with another god who was even more powerful.

And in the Oompa Loompas' song after she fell down the garbage chute, they didn't even blame her for her horrible behavior, by far the worst of any child in the factory. Even when she lost, she won.

I would have given anything to be Veruca, even if only for a day. To express myself without fear and without regard for everyone I was inconveniencing by being abnormal. The rush of that power would have easily carried me for the rest of my life.

And then I grew up, and there was Carla Rutten.

Carla is not only the greatest character in @itswalky's magnum opus, Dumbing of Age, she is also arguably the greatest character in the history of fiction.

Carla is a student at Indiana University. She's transgender and asexual, and in the hands of lesser writers this might lead to temptation to portray her as perfectly kind and moral and inoffensive, lest she be viewed as a negative stereotype.

Instead, Carla is loud, demanding, self-obsessed, and perfect in every way.

Carla refuses to reign herself in, even if it brings further bigotry and anger her way. She won't hold herself to a different standard than any other jackass.

And in the end, even if you hate her, even if you want her wiped from the face of the earth, that's still acknowledging her. And she's still won.

As an asexual ginger Hoosier I cannot even begin to express what Carla means to me and how thankful I am for her existence. There aren't words for how great it is that a character like this exists and is just allowed to be. Allowed to be as flawed and rude and funny and spoiled as anybody else.

More ladies need to be unrepentant self-absorbed jerks. It's a beautiful thing.

#Carla Rutten #Veruca Salt #did someone say MY LIFE #Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory #Dumbing of Age #support women's wrongs

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mypetratodie · 2 months

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hey fellas this is the cringe website, so I'm gonna go on record real quick okay? I just watched all the willy wonka movies (1971, 2005, 2023) and I NEED to rant about it. Also, I don't really know if we need a warning for this, but I go on a rant about the 2005 one being kinda racist/weird/groomer-ish so there's like a warning i guess.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Novel, 1964): Never read it

Have not read the book. Coming out and saying that now, just to be like, transparent or whatevr.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971): Banger, 10/10

My dad put this on one night (after he had watched both the 1971 movie and the 2005 one) and made me watch it. I had never seen it before and was waiting for some cringey dated 70's humor, maybe even a slur or something, but uh, nope. Gene Wilder was delivering every line with right amount of crazy person energy, without feeling creepy (at least to me). The bits were funny, and (again from my casual viewing) inoffensive. Some of the songs were boring, but when the obvious bangers played, I was hooked. The Oompa-Loompas were pretty funny, and never overstayed their welcome. The focus of this movie is mostly Charlie and Wonka, which is fair considering that's what the book is about (I think like I said I actually never read the book) Far as I am remembering, it was good, clean, killing(?) kids with candy fun.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory(2005): Dogshit film, 3/10

Fucking HATED this shit! The like, Native people direction they took with the Oompa-Loompas??? Omg, every scene felt like a FUCKING hate crime! And their songs were mid, I especially cringed during the first one and the last one. And Johnny Depp does that fucking horrible like.... battle cry thingy to call them as opposed to using the gay-ass little flute Gene Wilder Wonka did???? And the Oompa-Loompas keep doing this like, hands crossed over the chest salute thing? And they row a big boat, with a big drum keeping the rythm? Like WHY are they like this in the movie? And they aren't orange and green and silly anymore, they're just like dark skinned guys? With black hair? Which Idk, would've been an alright change i guess, if they didn't also do a whole scene where William Wanking is running thorugh the jungle in his teddy roselvelte ass outfit, and the oompa-loompas like don't speak english, do "silly" tribal dances to summon cocoa beans or something? and eat bugs???? like that's..... certainly a choice for the film.... And it's even grosser cause in both films mr. wilfred wonder or whatever refers to loompa land as like a horrid place to live or whatever, but when Gene Wilder said it, it kinda felt more like "yeah these little orange dudes get eaten by monsters and shit" and when Johnny Depp says it, it's like "yeah, they lived in a STINKY GROSS PLACE IN TREE HUTS AND THEY WERE POOR!!!! AND GRODY!!!!! Ewww, but after I stripped them of that culture and made them live in my factory, their lives are better now" idk super super weird to me. He also does a scene where the joke is he's just using like AAVE i think? He's like "ARe you hip to it? Are you jive? Slide me some skin, soul-brother!" and like, fucking stop, stop talking like that even if it isn't offensive, it's sure as hell cringey to hear a white, bill cipher human design looking mother fucker to start saying some bull shit like that. And the scene of uh, Violet or whatever getting turned into a blueberry???????? Straight up felt like inflation porn on DeviantArt! She gets big like ass first, and even looks at her ass like "oh dam I'm getting caked up" LIKE SIR THIS IS A CHILD! Same with the scene of Veruca Salt getting attacked by squirrels it felt so fetishy and weird idk. and also this version of WOnka is giving soma MAJOR OVERT Groomer/PEdo vibes like it's SOOOO Fucking gross I hated this movie. And all the Willy Wanker flashbacks are so boring and unessecary. Like shut up. There's just a bunch of scenes like that where I'm like "was this in the book or something?" Like the scene where he builds chocolate palace for a guy in India (complete with the typical 2005 depiction of an Indian man and woman i.e. the head turban things and a very pronounced accent, also the palace was just like chocolate Taj Mahal I'm pretty sure but whatever) but the chocolate melts (and drops on his forhead, between his eye brows. Y'lnow? Get it? Cause the... they have the dot.... thing... like SHUT UP IT'S NOT FUNNY) There was some funny lines, and I thought it was funny that Charlie was played by the dude who plays the Good Doctor (my dad was like "I couldn't watch it without thinking about he was going to say he was a surgeon), but every other scene felt almost illegal to watch. ALSO they drop the R-slur in this movie, which doesn't surprise me considering it was 2205, but if the film from the 70's sexulized the children less, had no slurs in it??? like ok, why are we adding offensive stuff to the equation of this children's movie?

Wonka (2023): Went in as a hater, came out as a fan 8/10

I was like "Who asked for this movie? Do we need another willy wonka movie??" But, I was pleasantly surprised. It had a lot of heart, the effect were pretty nice, I liked the characters. I guess they were given permission or something by Roald Dahl's family or something (i watched a behind the scenes thing, but i don't remember much about it) to do some new stuff with the Wonka character. So a lot of the characters are new, or heavily expanded on. I thought the humor really matched the 1971 film, a lot of funny bits. Timothee Chalamet, who isn't my favorite guy, was surprisingly charming as Wonka, I was ready to be rolling my eyes every time he said something. But, again, he was actually pretty silly, with the sort of seeds planted for him to turn into the Gene Wilder version of Wonka. The kid, Noodle, was also pretty silly. I liked the dynamic between her and William Wonkilla, it felt significantly more wholesome and WAYYY less creepy than anything in the Johnny Depp version. There's also a dead mom backstory for Wanker, and I'm a sucker for that sort of over done cringe, so yeah, I might've gotten like... a little emotional. They made the Oompa-Loompa(s) orange again, and they do the old oompa-loompa song! Pretty pleased with that as well, especially after the painful experience that was the 2005 version of Wonking. Me, my sister, and my dad were all surprised by how much we like this new one, even though I still don't think it was necessary? But again, welcome surprise. Omfg, also, in the BTS thing we watched, there was this sort of unspoken shade being thrown at the 2005 one like there was one guy who was like "Y'know, it's sort of a daunting task because so many great actors have played this character. Y'know, you got Gene Wilder. And now we have Timothee Chalamet- LIKE WOW OKAY DAMN NOT EVEN GONNA SAY HIS NAME!!!! And then also one of the guys, the director or something was like "You can't have a willy wonka movie without Oompa-Loompas, and when I think of oompa-loompas I think orange skin, green hair, you know, funny dances moves" Like, we know what an Oompa-Loompa is.... Why're you mentioning this? Unless, of course, there was a film that went a really weird and uncomfortable route with portraying the Oompa-Loompas?????? OH, like the 2005 one!

The only thing I will say I didn't love with my whole heart was there are a lot of fat jokes. like, there's a cop who puts on a lot of weight throughout the film and it's a little juvenile and sorta dumb and overdone, but I guess I understand the sort of thing they're trying to say? Like, he's getting fat because he's eating chocolate that he's being bribed with, so it's like, he's corrupted or whatever, but idk, i don't love the fat jokes. Still, the character is pretty funny.

So yeah, that's my analysis or whatever. I had a lot of fun watching the movies. The release order is how you should watch them lol. The 1971 movie is a classic, you'll watch it a realize you know more about the movie than you thought, just due to pop culture. The 2005 one, you'll probably recognize some sound bits and some of the soundtrack (if you were on tiktok) but most likely, you'll be annoyed and baffled by the changes they made. And THEN you watch the new one, ready for some cringe, and they hit you with a surprisingly cute and wholesome story that sort of destroys all the cringe the 2005 movie gave you.

#willy wonka #charlie and the chocolate factory #can't belive I'm talking about this shit #like dude what the hell #i've been on a venture bros and metalocalypse kick and outta NOWHERE i'm getting heated about WILLY WONKA of all things?#and the only other thing I've seen gene wilder in was Blazing Saddles #so like a good movie but wow man its just slightly hard to watch for me #but man oh man I was not prepared for the deranged energy he was gonna bring to the WILLY WONKA movie #and then Johnny depp played like the twitter groomer version of that

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virucachaos · 4 months

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Hey Vi, got some questions

1 are you still blue and how has life treated you up until you reunited with veruca

2 how was your mother after the factory? Was she better to you worse

3 is there any issues with being part blueberry like a way to relapse and need juicing again?

4 has Charlie given you compensation money and therapy

5 how did you and veruca reunite and how long was it before you started dating?

6 what kind of style do you have now both in clothes and hair? I hope it's more your own than your mother's

7 do you have a fear of him and or blueberries if so, are you overcoming it? (Hope you are if so)

Violet adjusts her poor posture and clears her throat to make a better image before answering.

"For one, yeah. I hate it. It hasn't... it's not a good look, but Veruca disagrees. If there was one thing I could change, it would be what happened, and there's no changing my mind."

She sighs.

"Meeting Veruca again wasn't my highest priority for a long while- I was terrified to even see her in the beginning. I didn't trust her, much less myself, to keep a calm conversation. That's why I was so surprised that topics flowed so easily after Mike brought us both somewhere without telling us the other would be there."

Violet giggled at the thought of Mike being an unintentional wingman, but immediately went back to the questions at hand.

"No compensation, no bother to search for a cure. I'm thankful that Mister Salt was kind enough to pay for my physical therapy, however... the first half a year was extra difficult. Mother... I haven't spoken with her in a while, that's all. It might be a while, but deep down, I feel as if she still loves me. It might just take a bit for us to overcome our challenges. And finally, yes. I grew my hair out a bit! Veruca has been helping me with clothes that aren't baggy hoodies and jeans, so we'll get back to you on that."

#violet beauregarde #ask blog

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speedyboymikey · 8 months

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Our schedule has no room for intros, languid and rubato...

Accelerate right to the verse and play it molto presto and staccato!

Now let's get the small-talk out of the way

What zigzag roads and fickle fates have led you to my chocolate gates?

I'm sure the stories would enthrall

But time is racing by us all

I'd love to rhyme a riddle or two

But there's so much time

So little to do!

So much time, so little to do?

Please strike that, reverse it!

I meant the other way!

It doesn't take a Sigmund Freud

To see I'm charmed and overjoyed

But pardon if I start to fret

We've not begun our journey yet!

No time to borrow or delay

What's here tomorrow's gone today!

What's here tomorrow's gone today?

Whoops strike that, reverse it!

My tongue has feet of clay!

You've bid the tasteless world adieu

To chew the goo awaiting you

But scurry, for the Wonka clock keeps ticking!

Inside these doors the floors are sweet

There's rugs and carpets you can eat

And best of all, the wallpaper needs licking!

This day of punctuality is scheduled

To the Nth degree,

I wish that there was time to share

My thoughts on makeup, clothes, and hair

Madam!

Yes?

Your hair, your dress, your shoes are great!

You're dressed for 1958

I tried those little short shorts, but they kept riding up.

No, strike that, reverse it!

Let's get on with our day!

Gloops!

Willkommen, Frau Gloop, delighted to meet you. And this must be little Augustus!

Hallo!

He's my tiny little pickle!

Pleased to meet you, Augustus, but I'm afraid I must confiscate your sausage

Oh, but that's my lunch!

You may go first but lose the wurst!

That's sad because I love 'em

To lead our group, Augustus Gloop, for who could lose sight of him?

Yes who could lose sight of him!

Salts!

Zdravstvujte, Oleg Salt from Novosibirsk. I run Salt Peanuts, Salt Cod, and Salt Mines

That's a lotta salt. You should watch your blood pressure

And this is my wonderful daughter

Dyspepsia...

Veruca.

Angina...

Veruca

Diarrhea...

Veruca!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I was just checking your father's medical records. Oleg, entrenu, you really must take care of yourself

I'll take care of you, Wonka, if you don't focus on me!

It's a pleasure, dear, to have you here

Where did you get that mink?

Are you for real?

It's baby seal that's clubbed then tickled pink

It's clubbed then tickled

Clubbed then tickled

Clubbed then tickled pink!

Beauregardes!

Eugene Beauregarde! Here's my card

I'll cherish it!

Smile!

Instagram it, daddy!

And I guess you already know the Queen of Pop!

Delighted to meet you, your majesty. What is it exactly that you do?

Do? I chew!

Gesundheit

The same piece of gum for the last three years!

It's a jaw-popping world record! Why, she's got over 50, 000 Twitter followers, her own YouTube channel, and one day, we gon' open up a bubble-gum boutique in Beverly Hills!

Well, congratulations. I must drop by. But you can't bring gum in here

Why not?

Because, it's disgusting

Just let me in, I'm here to win!

You like to beat your drum!

Your confidence is quite intense

But just don't jump the gum!

Don't jump

Just don't jump the gum!

Next!

Hey doofus, d'you have WiFi?

I'll take that!

Ethel Teavee, and this is Mike Teavee, we should be on the list

Ah, yes, Mike Teavee. The boy who hacked into my computers

So, Mike the brain, you must explain

Just how you hacked the ticket?

Shut up, old man!

I'm not a fan!

You know where you can stick it!

You can stick it!

And there's no alcohol in my factory, I'm afraid

It's lemonade

Mmhm

WOAH NELLY!

Homemade

You should visit my factory sometime

It seems that I've left someone out

Who else is here, now give a shout!

Uh, Mr. Wonka, I'm the last

Is least the last to join our cast?

Name?

Joe Bucket, at your service!

Delighted!

Actually-

Enraptured

Matter of fact-

Fascinating! And you must be Charlie

Well, well, well. Charlie Bucket. The boy who waited to the very last moment to get his ticket. Don't leave it so late next time!

But, I-

Now, Messieurs Bucket, Salt, and Beauregarde, Madame Teavee and Schatzi Gloop

You're visitors in my backyard while shepherding this tiny troupe

And so I look to you to lead your future generations

I must insist you hear and heed my rules and regulations!

I'd love to lounge and lolly gag

And give each tongue the chance to wag

But I must get you all to sign this contract on the dotted line

There's no reprise, the way time flies to dot the T's and cross the I's!

Damn, strike that, reverse it!

Please ink without delay!

May I see the dossier

And negotiate her pay?

Sir what does this contract say?

Well...

The undersigned herein to forsight for

No frippery or force majeure

No property be touched or chewed or peddled!

What'd he say?

De facto habeas corpus laws

For you a new grandfather's clause

Sign here, and here, and here, thank god that's settled!

I'm confused!

What does he expect?

This tempo is preposterous!

Just sign!

So now the time has come at last

To put the present in the past

It's time to take the golden tour

And taste the tempting treats du jour

The day is young the sun is high and so it's time to say goodbye!

Goodbye!?

No, strike that, reverse it!

And next time I'll rehearse it

Get ready, set, on your marks, let's go!

You're stupid!

You stink!

I'm winning!

You think!

Let's go!

On with the show!

#charlie and the chocolate factory #catcf #catcf 2005 #charlie bucket #mike teavee #augustus gloop #violet beauregarde #veruca salt #catcf musical

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ohbutwheresyourheart · 2 years

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A Bad Night's Sleep

I wrote a snippet for the first draft of You'll Be Free (If You Truly Wish To Be) that is probably now going to get cut, or at least changed up, but I'm sufficiently proud of it that I'm sticking it here for posterity if anyone is interested.

Summary - Willy has a very, very bad night's sleep. Warnings for body horror, gore, unreality, general disturbing themes, and being mocked by a bunch of ten year olds, the worst fate of all.

Agnes was standing at the counter, kneading dough. When she looked up, her eyes were covered by two chocolate coins in bright gold wrappers.

“What are you doing here, young man?” she demanded. “Madeleine left years ago.”

“I know,” said Willy. “But I heard she came back.”

“Oh, no, no, no.” The old woman shook her head. Her wizened face swung from side to side like a pendulum. “No, no, no, she’s never coming back here again. None of us will ever see her again, as long as we live.”

One hand shot out, an accusing finger pointed at his chest as the chocolate coins fell from her eyes, revealing not just empty sockets but two holes bored clear through her head.

“AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”

A light snapped on, illuminating the nut room. Veruca Salt stood facing him, the black expanse of the garbage chute between them, an evil smirk on her face.

“You’re a bad nut,” she told him. “And you know what happens to bad nuts, don’t you?”

Skittering echoed on the edge of his awareness. Willy tensed. He could not turn around to look but he could sense them there.

“You deserved it,” he said staunchly, gripping his cane more tightly. “You’re garbage.”

Veruca’s smile widened. It widened and widened until her mouth split her whole head in two and the upper half - nose, eyes, hair - fell backwards onto the pristine floor with a wet fwap!

A squirrel crawled up out of the gaping hole of her throat, shook its fur, and said in Veruca’s voice and a playground cadence:

“I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?”

And the squirrels descended on him, dozens - hundreds - of sharp claws digging into his legs, climbing up his trousers, until he toppled over and they dragged him (no, no, no, I’m not garbage) to the waiting black hole.

He tumbled down the garbage chute and into the darkness. Except it wasn’t dark: the incinerator was turned on and the flames engulfed him. He screamed and screamed and screamed, watching his clothes burn away to embers before his eyes.

After an eternity, he passed through the incinerator and fell down into the chocolate room. He grabbed onto the edge of the bridge pathway, scrambling to hang on. The chocolate earth began to crumble at once from his weight and however much he tried he could not pull himself up. Below, the chocolate river churned.

A small, familiar figure stood watching him.

“Charlie!” Willy gasped, overcome with relief. “Thank goodness! Come on, help me up! You know my chocolate can’t be touched by human hands.”

But Charlie stayed exactly where he was, his pale little face as serious as death.

“Mum and Dad say I can’t stay here anymore, Willy,” he said. “You’re a bad person who does bad things.”

“No! No, no, no, I’m not -- I didn’t do anything -- I promise, Charlie!” Willy tried again to pull himself up onto the bridge properly but only succeeded in loosening more soil.

“Yes, you did,” said Charlie.

“Yes, you did,” said Madeleine, stepping out from behind him in a swirl of scarlet skirts. Her heart-shaped sunglasses flashed in the light. “You ruined my life, Willy.”

“No, I didn’t--” Another clot of chocolate dirt came away in his hands. “I didn’t! You stole from me!”

Madeleine knelt down on the bank and sighed. The overpowering smell of cherries enveloped him.

“Oh, Willy. Do you really believe that?”

“You did!” More of the shore crumbled; Willy scrambled to keep hold. “You must have done! And you lied to me! If you’d just admitted it then I would have forgiven you!”

“And what do you need to admit, Willy?”

Madeleine got to her feet, deftly avoiding the hand he shot out towards her. The children drew closer, springing up from the shadows.

“That he’s a freak,” said Violet.

“That he’s rotten,” said Veruca.

“That he’s a dummy,” said Mike.

“And that he doesn’t care about anything other than candy,” finished Augustus.

“You’ve done bad things, Willy,” Charlie repeated. “And that makes you a bad person.”

“Charlie,” Willy whispered. “Please don’t.”

But Charlie did: he stamped down, hard, on Willy’s fingers. With a cry of pain, Willy lost his grip on the shore and fell down, down, down, into the chocolate river below.

Chocolate filled his mouth, ran down his throat, and pulled him down. It sucked at his limbs, it went up his nose. He choked and spluttered, arms windmilling in a desperate attempt to swim, but the chocolate was too thick to fight. He gasped and swallowed and all he could taste was chocolate and all he knew was chocolate and now he was all chocolate--

Willy woke up.

He lay perfectly still in bed, fingers digging into the quilt, dredging up the courage to turn on the bedside light. He was gripped by a terrifying certainty that the children were there, lurking in the darkness, waiting for him to be foolish enough to reveal them.

No. No, that was ridiculous. It was just a dream. Just… the worst dream he’d ever had.

The warm glow of the lamp illuminated his bedroom, which was completely empty except for him. Finally, he let out the breath he’d been holding.

“Just a dream,” he whispered. He’d get a glass of water, steady himself.

The bathroom was empty, too. Echoing: literally, a ghostly echo of laughter from years gone by rings in his ears. Willy looked at himself in the mirror. He looked pale, waxy; the shadows under his eyes were darker than ever.

He filled a glass of water but when he looked at it again it was a coupe of champagne.

“Oh,” he said. “That works too.”

The champagne was sharp, the bubbles fizzing at the back of his mouth and around his teeth. Willy drained the glass in one, giggling. The sound mixed with the lingering echo. He could smell marshmallows and sugar plums.

Behind him, the sound of sloshing water. Madeleine lounged in the bubble-filled tub, a long candy red mermaid’s tail hanging over the side.

“Come on in, Willy,” she said, holding out a hand. The raspberry rhodolite ring flashed in the light. “The water’s perfect.”

Willy stepped towards the bathtub. “You’re wearing the ring.”.

“Of course I am,” she cooed. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I thought you weren’t ever coming back.” Another step, and another. Willy knelt beside the tub. “Agnes said you were never coming back as long as any of us live.”

Madeleine reached out and cradled his face in her hands. Her breath smelled like cherries. “Oh, Willy,” she said, with extraordinary tenderness.

Then she smashed his face into the edge of the porcelain tub.

Pain exploded in his mouth as his teeth shattered. Willy clutched his mouth as the bathroom popped out of existence like a champagne bubble; marble replaced by chipped tiles; sugar plums and marshmallows replaced by disinfectant. When he opened his eyes, Willy saw a familiar pair of polished shoes in front of his face.

“Dear me,” said Wilbur. “This is what you get when you eat candy.”

His father pulled him to his feet and set him down into the dentist’s chair, the torturer’s rack of his childhood, except now it had thick restraints rather than relying on fear for good behaviour.

“No,” Willy pleaded as his father tied him down. “No, no, please, don’t--”

Ankles, wrists. “Keep still, Willy. It will only hurt more if you struggle.”

“Nonononono, don’t--please--don’t--don’t put the b--b--braces back on me, please--”

Chest. Head. Willy stared up helplessly as Wilbur turned the lamp on, blinding him. He squeezed his eyes shut, even knowing that just because he couldn’t see didn’t mean it wasn’t happening.

“Now,” said Wilbur. “Let’s examine the damage, shall we?”

And he started the drill.

#what can i say i take my funky little dude and put him through hell #tw body horror #tw unreality #wip #you'll be free (if you truly wish to be)#willy wonka #charlie and the chocolate factory #originally he was going to have an enounter with each of the kids running through the factory #with way more body horror elements from violet and mike in particular #but i ran out of steam before adding those #they might go in if I end up using this

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 2 years

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Hi there. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm your Verucca Salt Anon. I thought it might be prudent to reach out seeing as Verucca was just introduced into the game.

I think the last time I reached out was mid 2021, but since then I've graduated high school and am college bound. I've cleared up some family medical issues as well. Things are pretty good right now. I've spent the past year managing my schooling, community theater, and part-time job. Unfortunately, that hasn't left much time for me to create content for tumblr. On a bad day, I deleted all my content (still have the google docs tho) and now I just reblog good luck posts. They seem to work!

As for HPHM, what can I say, but I'm still a slut for year 5. In my canon, Olivia and Duncan play much larger roles in year 7, and it's great to see the game recognize them- at least Olivia, that is. My current project is a rewrite of the dinner scene in chapter 41 (sorry datamine spoilers) where MC, Jacob, and their invited friends (Tulip who replaces Corey for MC, and Duncan and Olivia for Jacob) meet with Uncle Hugh (Peregrine) and his son Drew. Shenanigans ensue as the group tries to sus out Hugh's true motives while trying not to be indoctrinated into R.

While I cannot say this was how I intended my canon to work out, Uncle Hugh and Drew were preexisting characters, even if a minor ones. I can say proudly that I predicted and headcanon Veruca being the Auntie. Jack still works at Tesco, and he's recently gotten a raise.

Thank you for the support and always answering my asks and ideas. My favorite times of day where at night when you posted your asks. On hard days, it gave me something to look forward too. Thanks again!

I remember you! How could I forget you? My old friend! I never forget one of my recurring anons. (Which does remind me. I wonder how the Sleeping Erika Anon is doing? Haven't heard from em in a while.) Either way, can I just say well done? Can we give a round of applause for the V.S. Anon, seriously? That sounds intense, and it sounds like you've been working hard. Medical issues in particular are never easy to go through, and I hope everything's going better now.

Also, have to pause and give a shoutout to my fellow thespian. I recently came back to my children's theatre program and it's like the breath of life. Like I've been in a coma for the last two years and I'm finally awake. Theatre just makes everything better.

I'm so sorry you deleted your content! For real, I hear about my friends doing that from time to time and it's always a crying shame...but at least it's safe in a backup! Google Docs is such a lifesaver. I remember finding it in high school and never looking back - I grew up on Microsoft Word but I haven't touched it in years. I do know what you mean about the good luck posts, though. They are wholesome and make the day that much better. I follow a blog that posts things like that alongside Undertale characters. It's always a spirit booster.

Holy heck, if that line doesn't describe me as well. We should, frankly, get that posted on tee-shirts. #StillASlutForYear5. I can relate, so damn much. I will never complain about more content for Olivia and Duncan. That whole trio is just a goldmine. I'm also seriously digging all of your ideas. You know me so well. When you mentioned substituting Tulip in? Oh, you knew what you were doing. Anyone can get my attention using the Rebellious Ravenclaw. All they need is a box, a stick to hold it up, and a post about Tulip. I'll always get caught. I also like how a lot of people are replacing Peregrine with an uncle - Jacob is one thing, he was a major presence in the game from jump, but by Year 7, most of us already have a defined character in place for MC's dad.

It feels good to have a theory be confirmed, doesn't it? While I was technically off, (I figured The Leader would be MC's mum) I knew it had to be one of the parents, if not both. Congrats on having your Verucca headcanon proved to be true!

V.A. Anon, do you have any idea how much messages like that mean to me? Because they give me a good feeling on MY bad days. You are so damn kind, and creative as well! I am lucky to know you, and honored to have you a regular in my inbox!

#The Verucca Salt Anon #The Prodigal Salt Returns!#HPHM Headcanons #HPHM Datamines #Wholesome #My anons are the best

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nochiquinn · 2 years

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campaign 3 episode 17:

I am so tired, my kid's on half days this week and I'm not getting my usual nap because of it, I am a Disaster and if I fall asleep halfway through the episode no one is allowed to judge me

samuel

"in theatres! crazy things to say right now that don't make sense!" because there iS A PANDEMIC

wait I was muted was there vince mcmahon salt

it's so fuckin CUTE

"that is not child safe" "still going on my dog"

HEY IF YOU LIKE LAURA BAILEY SINGING YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT STRAY GODS BY SUMMERFALL GAMES

say Ariks Eshteross' Airship five times fast

oh no nightmare lights

"I bet it looks cool in the theaters"

put gem in mouth

"you should never have to run into the storm alone"

"what time is it" it's 3:01 am

"whichever way they bend"

I love the idea that orym sleeps like a cat

imogen gets halfway down the stairs and starts going into withdrawal

>waifish >dwarf

saM

marisha's dice redemption arc

"don't fuck with me matt mercer"

sldkfhs travis

I just need all of them to give up and share one room at all times

"I've been up for a little while just lookin atcha"

ashton and fcg <3

travis just hiding his face

"is he dead?!" "no, I just heard him screaming"

[smacks fcg with a newspaper every time he offers someone therapy unsolicited]

(I was gonna say spray with a water bottle but that might end badly)

"not GRAB it bc it will fall off"

"you can borrow my ears any time"

I love their little identify lens

🎶who can say if I've been changed for the better🎶

I KNEW IT addictive rock

put it in a cart with a bunch of bananas, that's how you test if it's evil

quietly references every other campaign

fearne you specifically know what swapping around a potentially evil object does

"I'm alive" "press x"

I would like to touch the crystal now matt

love the dichotomy between the players 👀 and the characters 🤷‍♀️

traVIS

"fuckin imogen"

chetney: fuckin imogen laudna: yes

(I don't go here I just can't pass up a setup like that)

"can you grow flowers whenever you want?" "🌷"

ashton

I don't like it

"I immediately start tracking fearne" dad friend orym

ashton either has so many regrets or is having the time of their life, it's impossible to tell

evon calling

did imogen's accent just get 400x stronger or is it just me

fcg: competish ashton: 😒

jiana hexum 🤝 veruca salt I want one now

fcg your self-sacrifice has to have an upper limit

chetney

oh. oh fuck.

ashley's face when the penny dropped

"should you bring a buddy? ....or a minder?"

"I know horses. I've eaten a few." well now we know how this campaign's horses are gonna die

not the shania twain

they did it, they broke eshteross

fearne he is eating

sam literally just telling the audience to fuck off for ten minutes

marisha trying to take sam out

persuade grandpa out of his biscottis

"why limit yourself to the player characters?"

someone do a religion check so I can get a bingo

ashton: we will stop percieving me immediately

orym using the hammer as a stepstool

samuel

is it like cabal's ruin where they're gonna build up charges and then unleash them all at once

oh no

that one scene from falcon and the winter soldier

someone mention marwa so I can get a bingo

"don't touch my stuff for three weeks"

I'm enjoying Silly Orym

mala: travis in any shopping scene with his wife: how can I be a Problem

laura starts playing star stables

roll for horse girl

bloodstorm

chetney: blood magic me: [whispers] maleficar

I love him

I put on my blood robe and blood wizard hat

TRAVIS

matt just scooting away

GET HIS ASS

mala: the dc for this is 1

"get your third character ready"

OH RIGHT there are people who suffered that in a group

aw man I apparently missed a cute video

LIGHTS

PLANTS

"I just got a little bit teary-eyed in my face"

aww imogen gets Quiet

"I got instantly itchy thinking about it" "yaaaaay that's called immersion"

"you've never ridden a horse?" "my sister in christ I basically am a horse"

orym straps himself to the back of one horse like a pelt in red dead

horse aesthetics. horsethetics.

this is becoming some oregon trail logistics

"natural 20! that means we fight a dragon."

"that is not a horse OR fearne"

the roast of sam reigel

"that's not a script it's just ad copy" "the script's on the monitors"

"oh for FUCK'S - "

Silly Orym has backfired

a RABBIT CALL

commit to the bit

do the watership down dying rabbit scream

orym you can't throw greens at it like a chocobo

orym's gonna get eaten by a t-rex

I lucid dream bc my brain gets mad when my dreams are poorly-written

ORYM

you're gonna get your fingers bit off

liam sees a gem and insists on stealing it from wherever it was

orym: I got you a rock

soul gem vs black soul gem

it's an opal, they will be hearing from my lawyers

sir floppers, rabbit, loonch, escargot, heart, and one-way

"he's foreign, don't worry about it

taliesin knows

"I don't like to get attached to things that are clearly going to die. like all of you."

"we only have five horses, how did we get six names!"

"if you take rabbit from me I'll kill you"

"your beau dice were talking shit about you yesterday" samuel

nooo I'm fading, I've been doing so well

they both get eaten

and them liam derails the whole game to talk to ashton for an hour

(this is not a complaint)

fcg goes to sleep and the fantasy kudzu overtakes him in the night

Birdie and Oleander

"sounds like a musical"

matt: you can attach it to a small item sam: I'M a small item!

sam doesn't watch the product

you can't touch the two silver millenium crystals to each other it'll blow up the planet

BUTTERFLIES

"everyone turns into sheep" when we first started the polycule my partner's wife insisted on calling it "polymorphism" which is in fact a WoW spell that turns you into a sheep

"you, fearne. you're special" cries

the way orym looks at fearne. just all the quiet, steady affection in the world.

the kind of person who says "you're special" and means it right down to his bones.

rolls to find fey gate, finds a dragon

midday loonch

bits of....edibles

ashton and fearne just spend the entire night trying to steal shit from each other

see I was joking but I knew it would probably happen

"you can always just ask. what do you want." "I want to not ask."

ashley 100% have left that last word off but she was never gonna

"this isn't how I started" excuse

oh ashton

is this how rock genasi work??

"I might try to steal it" "I would be very entertained"

RAIN

BACKSTORY

I've been avoiding earbuds but my roommate is awake for once and her keyboard is so LOUD and I wanna hear this

HANGING TREE THEORY CONFIRM??

everybody at the table

laura: I wanna throw something at her

marisha's so proud of herself

"you're the happiest person in this bunch" "of course. the worst thing that's ever happened to me has already happened."

taliesin's eyes are about to pop out of his head

like he's VALID

sam's face

her whole everything about her right now. face. posture. voice. god I love marisha ray so much.

"they cut my ears to make them pointy" MARISHA

my automatic assumption is keyleth body bc it's marisha but dark hair means possibly vex

also being keyleth might be a little on the nose

3 am is my new favorite euphemism

taliesin just mouthed "we'll talk later motherfucker" at marisha

ohh the golden sunrise light before the green kicked on

I love everything about this set

(how excited do you think matt is to get to use all these new buttons)

MISTY JUNGLE RAIN

somewhere mica burton is threatening travis and taliesin's lives

travis that's how you break one of their stupid weaksauce finger legs

blue flower???

DORIAN

LIGHTNING FLOWER

CHROMATIC ROSE????

that's the COOLEST FUCKING NAME

what in the kurama

orym that's gay

ashley and laura missed campsite rolling bc ashley was putting a flower behind laura's ear

[whaps fcg with a newspaper]

ffs they're not even sitting next to each other anymore

ROLL FOR FREAKY FRIDAY

what if they get the permanent mind link that yasha thought she had with veth

did we unlock fcg's ptsd babygate??

oh the music

oh no mutual psychic damage

what in the return to witch mountain

nobody in this party knows how to take watch

"this is fine"

neither of them can see over a particularly large rock, is this wise

dragon

or gnolls?

(regular gnoll, regular gnoll)

the return of dbp

orym: I will pry everyone's backstory out of them with a crowbar

(I say "orym" like that's not just liam at all times)

"what's the moon for"

HUSBAND

"o....ohhh."

liam: I will pry MY OWN backstory out of me with a crowbar

time is soup

"you're so young" "so was he" oh that hurt

who had Orym's Husband Died In The Air Ashari Attack

(literally everyone)

chetney is all of us

hand of the tempest

"gray-black leather clad" somebody go scrub through all of campaign 2 and tell me what krynn assassins wear

"you're a rare one; I actually believe you"

fearne knows!

dorian knows!!!

do the rest of the crownkeepers know??

I have to imagine they do

BIG MOON LITTLE MOON

I'm gonna DIE

"it's just raining"

(something something ruidius something cursed life)

eMOtional DAmage

in the dark of the niiiiight

willothwisp

taliesin

fable pixie laugh noises

"can you scare it off" "it's from the feywild, it might not be scared of me!" ".....maybe it'll think you're hot"

hey, listen!

dear fairies we are sleeping

ashton no

give it a shiny

it's definitely going to eat them

"don't OFFER"

"this is not an eatable face"

"why am I sounding old"

"fearne'll get weird" GET weird?

it's gonna fly at laudna's face and that's where matt's gonna call it

you just called it a slur in morse code

twitch I'll fight you

ashton playing with pate

DETECT THOUGHTS THE FAIRY that can only go well

"you're making a fairy house? like my daughter?"

"I made it a fairy tent out of sleeves"

"same grill"

"it's gonna crawl into your nostril" goa'uld fairy

liam what in shit was that laugh

fearne: fucking flying rats

"the pizza rats of the feywild"

FAIRY CRY

WILLOTHWISP

willotheanglerfish

"it was a BUTTON I was gonna PRESS IT"

"I hadn't pushed a button all day"

"I would wander into a dark forest for a flying gummy bear"

I am the last person to realize campaign 3 episode 17 was on 3/17

#critical role #spoilers #crititag #liveblog #reaction post

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wonkasmissstarshine · 3 years

Text

The Chocolatier’s Rose {Willy Wonka x OC} Ch. 9

GIFs not mine. Credit go to owners.

Summary: Willy shows his guests the Inventing Room. And Violet’s gum chewing comes back to bite her in the butt.

A/N: This is where it starts getting really fluffy between Rose and Willy.

Tagging: @holdmeicant @willymywonkers

Willy got out of the boat first so he could usher everyone out of it. Rose was the last one to step off, and being the clumsy girl she was, she managed to trip over her feet. Luckily, she was caught by a pair of arms.

"It's alright, starshine" Willy whispered to Rose. "I've got you"

"Thanks" She muttered softly to him, looking up at the face of her saviour. Her heart began to beat faster when she realized how close their faces were. The tips of their noses were touching.

It felt like it was only them in their own little world until the sound of someone clearing their throat reeled them back into reality. Rose and Willy turned their heads to see everyone staring weirdly at them. Well, everyone except for Charlie who had a wide grin on his face.

The two lovebirds stepped away from each other. Rose walked over to Charlie. She could feel a set of eyes glaring into the back of her head. She turned her head to see Mrs Beauregarde's eyes flared with jealousy. Rose just decided to ignore the woman for now. The door to the Inventing Room opened, and Willy led everyone inside.

Rose's eyes lit up in fascination when she saw all the machines and flasks, the smoke and colourful liquids. "Now this is the most important room in the entire factory!" Willy explained and then he cautioned. "Now, everyone enjoy yourselves, but just don't touch anything. Okay? Go on!"

Every child was quick to run off, except for Charlie. He looked up at Rose, and she gave him a nod with a smile. Charlie then walked off. He was definitely the most behaved child here, well, the only behaved child. Rose went off to do some exploring of her own. She felt the presence of someone come to stand next to her. She turned her head to see Willy.

"Does anything in particular catch your eye?" He asked her curiously, playfully bumping his shoulder against hers.

"It's hard to say" Rose said, smiling up at him. "Everything here is so fascinating" A smile danced across Willy's lips. He was glad the girl was enjoying herself. He looked down to see that their hands were nearly touching. Rose didn't seem to notice yet though. He was about to make a bold move, and lace their fingers together, but the moment was ruined.

"Hey, Mr Wonka! What's this?" Violet called loudly from a pool with windows which she and Mike were looking at. Oompa-Loompas were swimming inside it.

Willy pursed his lips in annoyance, glancing in the child's direction. He just wanted one uninterrupted moment with Rose. "Oh! Let me show you!" Willy's annoyance was replaced with excitement when he saw what Violet and Mike were standing by. He walked over, and an Oompa-Loompa emerged from the water. He handed Willy a red ball. "Thank you!" He said the Oompa-Loompa. Everyone gathered around Willy to hear what he had to say. "These are Everlasting Gobstoppers. They're for children who are given very little allowance money. You can suck on it all year, and it'll never get any smaller. Isn't that neat?"

"It's like gum" Violet compared.

"No" Willy disagreed. "Gum is for chewing. And if you tried chewing one of these Gobstoppers, you'd break all your little teeth off" He admired the piece of candy wearing a proud smile. "They sure do taste terrific"

He walked off to the next machine and everybody followed after him. "And this is Hair Toffee" He picked up a piece of candy that looked similar to chewy caramel. "You suck down one of these little boogers, and in exactly half an hour, a brand new crop of hair will start growing out all over the top of your little noggin. And a moustache. And a beard"

"Who wants a beard?" Mike asked, clearly not impressed.

"Well," Willy paused a moment as he thought of an answer. "Beatniks for one. Folk singers and motorbike riders. You know, all those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge daddy-o. Are you hep to the jive? Can you dig what I'm laying down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!" Willy stretched his hand out to Mike, waiting for the boy to give him five. Mike didn't, he just glanced weirdly at the man. Willy pulled his hand back when he realized Mike wasn't going to do anything.

"Unfortunately, the mixture isn't quite right yet because an Oompa-Loompa tried some yesterday, and well, he...." As if on cue, an Oompa-Loompa resembling Cousin Itt walked over. He had hair all over, it was a wonder he could even see where he was going. "How are you today?" Willy asked the Oompa-Loompa. It held up two thumbs. "You look great!"

Then finally, Willy led everyone over to a machine where an Oompa-Loompa had dumped various foods into it. "Watch this!" Willy said excitedly and then pulled on a lever.

The machine whirred and buzzed, bubbled and smoked, until it was finished and dispensed the finishing product. A stick of gum. Violet took it and examined it.

"You mean that's it?" Mike said, unimpressed yet again.

"Do you even know what it is?" Willy mocked Mike's tone.

"It's gum" Violet stated.

"Yeah! It's a stick of the most amazing and sensational gum in the whole universe! Know why? Know why?"

Rose could tell how excited Willy was about the gum so she decided to play along with him. "Why is it the most amazing and sensational gum?" She asked, tilting her head curiously.

"This gum is a full three course dinner all by itself!"

"Why would anyone want that?" Mr Salt asked.

Willy reached into his coat pockets and grabbed the flash cards. He flipped through them until he found the right one, and began to read from it. "It'll be the end of all kitchens and all cooking. Just a little strip of Wonka's magic chewing gum and that is all you will ever need at breakfast, lunch and dinner. This piece of gum happens to be tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie"

"It sounds great!" Rose said.

"It sounds weird" Veruca judged.

"It sounds like my kind of gum" Violet decided. She took out the piece of gum she was currently chewing, and stuck it behind her ear. Rose cringed at the little blonde girl. That was utterly disgusting, and she was surprised that Violet didn't get the stuff stuck in her hair.

"I'd rather you didn't" Willy warned. "There's still one or two things that are—"

Violet interrupted him. "I'm the world record holder in chewing gum. I'm not afraid of anything!" She shoved the fresh stick of gum in her mouth, all while Mrs Beauregarde was smiling pridefully at her daughter.

Violet began chewing and Mrs Beauregarde asked her, "How is it, honey?"

"It's amazing! Tomato soup! I can feel it running down my throat!"

"Yeah!" Willy nodded and smiled nervously. "Spit it out!"

Rose even tried getting Violet to stop. "Young lady, I think you'd better—"

She was rudely interrupted by Violet as the gum changed tastes. "It's changing! Roast beef with baked potato! Crispy skin and butter!"

"Keep chewing, kiddo!" Mrs Beauregarde encouraged her daughter. Rose rolled her eyes. She was just as bad as her daughter. "My little girls gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!"

"Yeah," Willy said, still feeling anxious. "I'm just a little concerned about the—"

"Blueberry pie and ice cream!" Violet said.

"That part"

Veruca noticed something odd. "What's happening to her nose?" Everyone looked at Violet to see what Veruca was talking about. A little speck of blue appeared on the tip of Violet's nose and very quickly began to spread.

"It's turning blue!" Mr Salt exclaimed.

Violet looked up at her mother. "Your whole nose has gone purple!" Mrs Beauregarde said.

"What do you mean?" Violet asked as she touched her nose.

"Violet, you're turning violet!" Violet's eyes widened in fright as she looked at Willy. Mrs Beauregarde looked at him as well and asked, "What's happening?"

"Well, I told you I hadn't quite got it right 'cause it goes a little funny when it gets to the dessert" Willy explained. "It's the blueberry pie that does it. I'm terribly sorry" He ducked down and hid behind the machine.

Violet's whole face had gone blue, and now her hands and hair were turning blue as well. The colour change was even affecting her clothes. "Mother, what's happening to me?" Violet asked, feeling horrified as she looked at her hand. Everyone backed away from her. If the colour change wasn't bad enough, Violet also started to engorge.

"She's swelling up!" Rose noted.

"Like a blueberry!" Charlie added.

Once Violet was completely blown up, Willy appeared from behind Mrs Beauregarde. He spooked her as he told her. "I've tried it on like twenty Oompa-Loompas, and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!"

"But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter!" Mrs Beauregarde shook her head at him. "How is she supposed to compete?"

"That's what you're concerned about?" Rose asked the woman, completely appalled. "Honestly, your daughter is blue and as a big as a hot air balloon, and the thing you're worried about is competitions? Maybe if you had been a better parent, then--"

"Don't you tell me how to parent my child!" Mrs Beauregarde snapped at Rose. Rose flinched a her tone, but she decided against arguing with her any further.

"You could put her in a county fair!" Veruca chirped, a little too happy about the situation.

Suddenly, the machines in the room began making a rhythm. Rose knew that the Oompa-Loompas were going to start singing again, and she was excited to hear them. Some Oompa-Loompas emerged from the smoke and they began to sing. Willy started dancing to the song, and Rose couldn't help but dance too.

Listen close, and listen hard,

The tale of Violet Beauregarde

This dreadful girl she sees no wrong

Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long

Chewing, chewing all day long.chewing,

Chewing all day long.

Chewing, chewing all day long.

She goes on chewing till at last

Her chewing muscles go so fast.

And from her face her giant chin

Sticks out just like a violin

Chewing, chewing all day long. chewing,

Chewing all day long.

Chewing, chewing all day long

For years and years she chews away

Her jaw gets stronger every day.

And with one great tremendous chew

They bite the poor girls tongue in two

And that is why we try so hard

To save miss Violet Beauregarde

Chewing, chewing all day long chewing,

Chewing all day long

Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long

As the song ended, Willy kept dancing, and an angry Mrs Beauregarde approached him. The look she had on her face was one of pure anger. When he noticed Mrs Beauregarde, he stopped dancing and looked at the Oompa-Loompa that approached. "I want you to roll Miss Beauregarde into the boat and take her along to the Juicing Room at once, okay?"

The Oompa-Loompa crossed its arms over its chest. "The Juicing Room?" Mrs Beauregarde repeated. "What are they gonna do to her there?"

"They're gonna squeeze her!" Willy answered with a wild grin. "Like a little pimple!" Mrs Beauregarde's eyes widened and her mouth opened in horror. "We gotta squeeze all that juice out of her immediately"

Without another word, Mrs Beauregarde ran over to help the Oompa-Loompas push Violet out of the room. Willy faced everyone. "Come on, let's boogie!" He beckoned. Everyone began moving along, but Rose was stopped when she felt Willy gently grab her arm. She looked at him to see him smiling wildly at her. "Close your eyes and hold out your hands!"

"Okay" She said. Rose closed her eyes, cupped her hands together and held them out. She could feel something being dropped in her hand. Her hands closed together around whatever had been put in her palms. Then she could feel a pair of hands wrap around her own. Her hands were being guided until she felt something soft brush against the back of one of her hands.

That's when she opened her eyes to see Willy pressing a gentle kiss to her hand. Rose's lips parted slightly, and her eyes locked with his. The two of them shared an intense stare. Willy released her hands and he smirked at her. "Come along, starshine"

Willy walked off. That's when Rose looked down at her hands to see what he had given her. It was the Everlasting Gobstopper. She grinned at the candy and started walking again.

#willy wonka x oc #willy wonka x reader #willy wonka #rose bucket #my oc #rose and willy #the chocolatier's rose

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jcmorrigan · 2 years

Note

Have you heard of the Wonka Snowpiecer theory, by the way?

Both stories feature a group of people moving through a strange and fantastic structure, ending with one of them reaching the end, and being told that the entire ordeal was a test by the wealthy industrialist to find a successor.

We know that Wonka not only had a completely sealed off and self-contained factory, but also specialized in both food production and experimental transportation.

The theory claims that all these elements were combined into the train from Snowpiercer. Wilford is the elderly Charlie Bucket, Minister Mason is the adult Veruca Salt, Claude is the daughter of Augustus Gloop and Franco the Elder is the grown up Mike Teavee. Even Gilliam is in reality Mr. Wilkinson, the man Wonka hired to impersonate his rival Slugworth!

So I looked at the Snowpiercer summary for this, and there are a couple reasons I don't really buy it. To be clear, I love that it exists as a crossover concept in general because this world needs more crossovers, and I hope there are some good fics out there about this concept. But they are not fics I want to read or create.

Reason number one: because if a theory has to insist that a bunch of characters changed their names for the two to be linked, then it automatically loses credence to me. Why would Charlie, Veruca, AND Mike all change their names? To me, this would read more like "two groups of characters that are similar enough that they should meet each other and trade life stories." I can see how the worlds have thematic similarities, but where's the actual iconography that links them? Where's a super specific object that would exist only in these two universes?

Reason number two: because the central themes around why the protags work through the industrial labyrinth are so different at the core. Wonka's factory is set up like a trickster fae's domain. He lays out very specific rules that you must follow. Do so and you will make it through. It's very personal, very much "a group of select people in this weird situation." Also, one can argue that the reason he sets up the pitfalls is because if the kid would ignore safety protocol NOW, they definitely wouldn't be able to survive actually running the factory. Snowpiercer, on the other hand, from the summary, seems to be about a dystopia where an entire society is within the confines of the industrial labyrinth, and the villain of it actually commits widespread oppression tactics. There's a streak of classism throughout it all. It's not "those who fail are the ones who ticked me off personally." And that's a good story to tell! But it's not the same story as CATCF to me. I'm aware that the chocolate factory has its own "lower class" in the Oompa Loompas, but that theme isn't with them at all. And ABSOLUTELY CATCF has no mass slaughter in it. Snowpiercer seems to have its climax surrounding "solving overpopulation" by mass murder and discussing the ethics of it. Again, NOT a story in which those who get "picked off" are those who ticked off the leader personally. (Also, according to your matchup, Charlie became the guy who ordered the genocide. I find Charlie very boring but I don't think he'd grow up to stoop to genocide. That seems very OOC for him.)

Again, for those who like this AU, please go and enjoy it! But I am NOT a fan of CATCF-Snowpiercer and this is why right here.

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erebus-luckycharm · 3 years

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Came across Veruca Salt while browsing spotify. I had a couple of months when I was 14-15 when I was exploring riot grrrl bands. I remember finding a list of bands off of some blog and going on LIMEWIRE :') to download songs. I could only find a handful of songs from each of the most well known bands while Veruca Salt had been the band I really wanted to hear for some reason. Their name and album covers had a different, more magickal vibe than the rest. I remember staying up really late to finish my downloads bc you needed to do that lol. All of this stuff was being uploaded by north americans and I needed to catch their time zone lol.

Anyways no one was seeding the songs for VS that night or the following nights so I never got to hear what they sounded like!!! Isn't that mind-blowing? Getting music in 2021 is so fucking easy. I'm kind of giddy over this right now because I'm listening to V e r u c a S a l t dammit, finally.

#that's it that's the whole post #I'm processsing the fact that yes spotify in fact does exist wow

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dorothydelgadillo · 5 years

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I'm a Marketer & I Don't Want Your Email Address

To quote Gary V, from his INBOUND12 keynote address, “Marketers F#$% everything up.”

The first time I heard him say this was at HubSpot's annual INBOUND event. This keynote was also the first time I heard a speaker drop the F-Bomb. (He actually dropped it 84 times in a 60-minute talk - I know because I counted).

In a later interview with Inc. Magazine, he went on to explain how “marketers ruin everything.”

Gary’s point was this: When we marketers find something that buyers find valuable, we exploit the hell out of it until our buyers are jaded and turned off.

The result? You got it - it doesn’t work anymore.

Need proof? Think about banner ads. When was the last time you clicked on a banner ad?

The first banner ad was purchased by AT&T and appeared on HotWired.com in 1994. It returned a 44% click-through-rate. That ROI would be unheard of today.

Now, think about email.

How many pieces of content have you not downloaded because you’re pretty sure doing so would’ve unleashed a firestorm of emails from the content provider and every other company they share or sell their lists to?

Your prospective buyer likely has done the same. For them, it’s just no longer worth it.

So, what’s a marketer to do?

I’ll tell you what. Don’t ask for their email.

"What?!" you say?

"How am I supposed to know who they are?"

You aren’t.

"How will I nurture those leads?"

You won’t.

"What will I pass to the team of eager-beaver sales reps sitting next to me?"

Nothing.

Before we get into the tactics of what you should do (and we will get there), let’s be honest with each other.

You Don’t Need Everyone’s Email Address

For most companies - companies that make things, service things, or deliver things - knowing a prospect's email address at the beginning of a conversation is not necessary.

Not only that - asking for it doesn’t increase your value or trustworthiness in the eyes of a prospective buyer.

Say I work at a software company that helps you gather market research, identify market trends, and better understand what your competition is doing in your industry (which I do).

When you first discover us, knowing if you already use the type of software I'm selling is far more important to me than knowing your email address. And getting helpful information that you can actually use is more important to you than giving me your email address.

Yes, at some point I will need your email if I am going to initiate an interaction with you, but for now - in our first interaction - I don’t need it.

And let’s be honest. At this point, you probably aren’t even sure if I have anything meaningful to say. And until you do, why would you agree to hear from me again?

My advice?

Let your prospects see what you have to offer before you say your digital-nuptials and exchange email.

Buyers are jaded and cynical and I don’t blame them. Most of us marketers do too much taking and not enough giving.

How many “Free eBook” offers have you seen that look more like PowerPoint slides with a paragraph of 45-point text than any book you might check out at your local library?

And we want people to give us their emails for that? I don’t think so…

It’s Time to Make a Change

Most of us fear change.

Change is by its very nature different. That’s why it's changed.

But whether we like it or not, change is all around us. Your company is changing, your market is changing, and your competitors are changing. In turn, choosing not to change is not a winning strategy.

I believe our abuse of email and content marketing is a significant contributor to the lightning-fast adoption of what Drift CEO David Cancel calls conversational marketing.

In his book, HYPERGROWTH, he talks about how the customer-driven model is changing the way businesses connect with buyers.

Chat tools like Drift feed our inner “Veruca Salt: I want it Now!” desire. (She was the bratty child from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

via GIPHY

They also allow the buyer to remain anonymous.

Not only can prospective buyers get their answer immediately when they chat on our websites, via human or bot, but they can also do so without having to share their name or email address.

Not giving up their email address means they don’t need to worry about deleting all those unwanted messages we may be planning on sending from the automated lead nurturing workflow they never asked to join.

Instead of jumping in and asking for our prospects’ email addresses right of the gate, we as marketers would be better served by focusing on delivering value by helping our prospects, answering their questions, and giving them the information they need to solve their problems - without asking for anything in return.

(Note: If you want to learn more about Drift, reach out to Tyler, he's a real person and really helpful - even before you give him your email.)

Always Solve for the Buyer

At the most fundamental level, my goal as a marketer is to build trust and establish credibility with my prospects.

I do this by sharing my company’s perspective, experience, and intelligence in a way that is educational and designed to answer their questions and help them solve their problems.

Doing all of this without asking for an email address is a very effective way to build trust and credibility, and it makes great business sense.

Liz Murphy, Director of Web and Interactive Content at IMPACT recently shared how:

“Ungating our content didn't hurt our lead flow at all. To the contrary, by sharing our content with our website visitors, we've been able to demonstrate the value that we provide through our content and if anything, it has resulted in a higher visitor-to-lead conversion rate, and more qualified bottom of the funnel leads."

I’m Practicing What I Preach

In my role as VP of Marketing at Cipher Systems, I’m measured by the number of qualified leads I deliver to our sales team. We’re a SaaS company that sells competitive intelligence software, and one of our primary top of the funnel offers is a “Guide to Competitive Intelligence.”

Last month, I decided to experiment with making the email field on the conversion form for this offer not required. Visitors to our site can get the guide whether they give us their email or not - it’s their choice. What is required are the answers to two questions: 1) what is your role in competitive intelligence? and 2) which goal are you trying to accomplish with CI?

This information is much more relevant to me at this early stage in our relationship with the buyer than their email address is, and I’m betting on the quality of our content to make an impression and convince our visitors that it’s worth coming back to our site - and eventually giving us their email address.

Want to check it out? Fill out the form and make sure you don’t give me your email address when you do so.

My Results

Eliminating the requirement for prospects to give us their email address when downloading our Guide to Competitive Intelligence may seem like a risky move for someone, such as me, whose job performance is judged by metrics like lead conversions.

The good news is that my bet paid off and in the month since I implemented this change on our form, the number of new contacts we’ve gotten from the offer has increased by 900%.

Yup - you read that right - that is a 900% increase in new contacts simply by removing the requirement for prospects to give us their email address.

Needless to say, I plan to roll out a similar change on several of our other top of the funnel forms.

Why You Should Ditch the Email Address Requirement

To clarify, I'm not suggesting that you never ask for a prospect's email address - just that you consider eliminating the need for it on some (or all) of your top of the funnel forms.

You might be reading this and thinking, “What if I share my content and offers without asking for an email address, and my prospect doesn’t come back?”

That is definitely a risk that you run with this approach, and the reality is that your marketing performance, as you measure it today, may very well decline. This approach doesn't work well if your content stinks.

But, if you're creating truly educational and helpful content, there are a few reasons why taking this approach is worth the risk:

1. Increase Conversion Rates

There is a good chance that when you do this, you’ll see a reduction in the overall number of new email addresses that get added to your database every month. Why? Because every single website visitor who wants to see your content will no longer need to give you their contact information in order to do so.

The reduction in new contacts with email addresses may very well be offset by an increase in your visitor-to-lead conversion rates, as IMPACT saw. Why? Once your visitors see your content and realize that it delivers real value, they will actually be more willing to give you their email address because they'll feel confident that any future outreach on your part will continue to add value.

2. Better Quality Leads

The quality of your leads will likely increase because the people who actually do convert on your forms will do so not because they want your eBook, but because they actually want to engage with you.

If you're like me, and your performance is measured at least in part by the quality of leads you deliver to your sales team, this is a huge win.

A Win-Win For Marketers and Buyers

The next time you ask a buyer for her email address, first ask yourself, “Will this help my buyer, or is this only helping me?”

Marketers who place the buyer’s needs first and give before they ask to receive will always build trust and credibility within their markets - and buyers will reward them for it.

from Web Developers World https://www.impactbnd.com/blog/im-a-marketer-and-i-dont-want-your-email-address

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