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#I'll stop posting about this nonexistent book now
smalldeerofmine · 2 years
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Please appreciate my stupid Seelie court pun
Absolutely iconic book synopsis by Haisley on the Dropout discord
[click for better quality, as always]
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slushiecookie · 4 months
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I can't stop thinking about him so I had to make another post here with him ^^'
So yes, THE MAN! And I haven't given him a proper introduction yet! :'D and while I'd prefer to introduce him with his ref sheet, it looks pretty bad so I just...I'll be remaking it later lol
At 38 years old, Father Novel is passionate, stubborn, cautious, and pretends to not to hear any insults. But if you manage to break him he’ll probably have a massive mood swing before instantly regretting it and wanting to die.
No matter what, his faith never waivers, even though it doesn't usually help. Father Novel is also a bit superstitious as well, and he almost always carries salt with him wherever he goes.
Father Novel really loves to read and write, and he likes to keep a little diary around. He also just likes libraries which is kinda weird since he's a book but he can do what he wants I don't mind lmao
Gore and Religious imagery warning!
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Now, as for the gore art, this is a sketch done with the digital pen so please ignore the weird looking lines and really really bad background :'> this is his 2nd exorcism, and it didn't go well, he gets his eye gouged out and almost dies, but Bishop Sorrel takes him to the hospital and saves him!
After getting disfigured (and partially blinded) he gets really self conscious and scared and he doesn't wanna do anything anymore. But Bishop Sorrel, with his nonexistent subtlety, basically tells Father Novel that he now owes him for saving his life. To help with the really ugly scars, Bishop Sorrel gifts him a bookmark to cover his eye with, and it helps...kinda...not really lmao
So, Father Novel has to face his fears and continue being an exorcist to pay back Bishop Sorrel for the hospital bill as well as general expenses, and exorcising demons is a good way to take your mind off of your looks because you're fearing for your life instead 😌
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nikomedes · 2 years
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(i am sending you writing asks) can i get a uhhhhh... number #1, #13, #19, and a #23 please thank you
[drive thru speaker crackle] ask machine broke
jk thank u luke!!! i am sorry this is so fucking long
1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?
so adhd is a disorder where--
im joking but uh. off the top of my head:
fallout 3 mlw/charon fic that i just. have put way too much time into mostly as a challenge to myself to understand the ship (13k+ words)
disco elysium time loop fic which is so close to done. its short and sweet. CAN I CROSS THE FINISH LINE? no (4k words)
pokemon swsh trainer/hop fanfic about their friendship during the gym challenge as reflected on by hop as they prepare to part ways for college. another "haha im playing this game this might be a fun challenge" that got so goddamn out of hand (8k words)
murderbot fanfic ive posted about before where ART tries to hold hands. its also short, mostly written, and something i SHOULD finish. but will i? (i keep saying "no" but i mean "hopefully") (3k words)
original story closing the book on a character i played in a dark fantasy intrigue ttrpg. hey! this game ended 4 months ago! why is this still not done (12k+ words)
a visual novel? a whole goddamn visual novel about h3x, another ttrpg character? this game has officially been ended prematurely due to gm burnout so realistically i will prob never finish this. but also, i kind of want to just to teach myself how to make a visual novel? OOPS? (??? words bc figuring that out would require booting three different programs. but it's at least 15k+)
my locked tomb western au fanfic that i started for the 2021 tltbb and then basically dropped due to mixed reception and getting burned out on that fandom. another project i will probably never finished but with the new book coming out who tf knows (22k+ words)
an outlined lesbian southern horror novel about a woman being seduced by a haunted house. this project is so exciting but. please scroll up. when am i gonna start it. and DON'T say nanowrimo i'll cry (2300 words)
worldbuilding for a beam saber ttrpg game i want to run very badly but realistically won't run for 3 years. but yknow. its not like ive got anything else to write (2k words)
worldbuilding im behind on for a magical realism 1930s monster of the week ttrpg game im running this fall. i literally need to get this to the players by the end of this week ideally lmfao (??? words bc its spread out over 3 documents and a google slides presentation)
more. there's more. im just going to stop now but i need u to know there's more
13. Do you share your writing online? (Drop a link!) Do you have projects you’ve kept just for yourself?
much to the chagrin of anyone who wants me to, you know. make a living writing, publish again, "do something with my talent," i almost exclusively write WAY TOO LONG stories about the tabletop roleplaying games i'm in on my wordpress. i also write approximately one fanfiction every two years, mostly for wildly different fandoms, here on my ao3.
i would honestly say about 40% of the writing i do is just for me? (unless we want to talk about the nonexistent traffic to that wordpress blog or how often my fellow players have to go "alex i simply do not have the time to read 20k words about the blorbo you created for our game," in which case it could be argued that 90% of my writing is only consumed by me slkdjlfjg) i think it's super important to write for yourself and not attach your enjoyment of writing to engagement/web traffic. the internet will make u insane about that
19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)
oh man this character has a complex relationship w their mom
characters talking "flatly" or delivering something deadpan
"trudged" (insert paul bettany's monologue about trudging from a knight's tale here)
"the moral of the story is, it's not about building something that outlives you, it's about enjoying the life you're living with the people you love" character arc (i stole this arc from my life)
having characters do fucked up and evil things to coffee bc i can't stand the taste of it
23. What’s the story idea you’ve had in your head for the longest?
i'm restraining myself only to what i've already listed above. the visual novel is the oldest, bc i love my terrible son and i do actually really want to learn how to write and program VNs
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littleouroboros · 2 years
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Omg... I'm allowed to ask to hear more abt Eduard? Can I??? This is the most exciting offer I've ever received in my Life I would absolutely love to hear an infodump about him and all of his lore and also his setting and all of its lore. I'm interested in reading anything you feel like explaining...!!! I only Specifically wanna ask to know more abt his Love Interests bc, there's art here of Eduard and a Handsome Cloaked Man, or two, but Also, I hear there are some spooky patrons...? 👀
Okay so first and foremost, no joke, to explain Eduard's whole deal in his default setting, I first need to talk about how gods form in my DM's homebrew setting. This is going to be a long ass post, so I'll put it under the cut.
Divinity:
In ancient, ancient history there was no power cap or preventative measures to stop mortals from gaining power infinitely and becoming a god. At some point, Pharom, the god of natural laws and cycles, decided that he didn’t like the chaos this caused and invented mortality and “hell” and stuff. And now whenever someone gets too strong and encroaches on godhood, they get "smited/smitten", turned into a demon, and sent to his plane of existence which is Basically hell.
Recently, however, a new god has come into being by performing a ritual that gave them power instantaneously and prevented detection by Pharom so they were not smitten. This god is a god of unknowing and nonexistence, and also technically a brand new, second plane of magic. No one except Eduard knows about this god.
So Where Does Eduard Factor In?:
Eduard knows about this god because he read a tome left behind by them. The tome itself contains, among other things, a detailed account of how to ascend to godhood before Pharom can catch you.
Eduard died when he read that tome, but was "preserved" because the God (known from here on out as the second lattice or just the lattice) doesn’t feel good about killing people for something that is essentially its own fault.
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[Above] Eduard speaking to a representation of the Lattice, which usually does not take a physical form.
So now Eduard is TECHNICALLY just a memory of the Lattice, and they are constantly taking some of his memories and storing them in their own plane--essentially lobotomizing him every second so he cannot become a god but still letting him gain newfound powers from having part of that information.
He got this tome because he was a librarian at the Library of Queen Lida, which is essentially the setting's equivalent to the Library of Alexandria, but its contents are mostly private and only available to high-ranking scholars or members of the Library itself.
It was technically a mistake for him to be handed the book at all. He was supposed to vet it and shelf it where it belonged after discerning its contents--but he wasn't nearly high enough rank in the library to be doing that kind of work with such a dangerous tome.
When he opened the tome it felt to him as if he had some of his time erased. He remembered opening it and reading its contents, but no time had passed and he didn't remember what was within the tome (this was the Lattice hiding away his memories).
It also spurred on his spellcasting (He technically couldn't cast spells before this! He is a warlock, after all!) and overall just freaked him out, so he grabbed the tome and the clothes on his back and fled to look for answers.
So What’s He Up To Now?:
He's currently in a mega-dungeon belonging to a Lich by the name of Modus Tollens that is basically his second unbelievably powerful sugar daddy. It would take me a whole different post to try to explain Modus Tollens and Eduard’s relationship with him, so I’ll try to summarize it quickly.
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[Above] Eduard and Modus Tollens in his revitalized form. Typically the Lich looks like blackened bone.
Modus Tollens sees Eduard as a project for the most part; handing him power to help him gain an understanding of the thing in his head (The Lattice) so he can see what happens. Eduard, on the other hand, almost feels like he is using Modus Tollens' hubris to get what he wants because he knows Modus Tollens will never be able to learn about the Lattice, and Eduard needs the power to be able to kill Modus Tollens and get his life back.
Oh yeah, that’s another thing I need to explain.
Eduard essentially made a deal with the Lattice during one of the times they spoke, agreeing to kill Modus Tollens. The Lattice stated that it wanted the Lich dead because it didn’t like his grand plans; and in exchange, the Lattice would leave Eduard’s head along with all memories of itself, essentially bring him back to life and let his life return to normal.
The only catch is that when the Lattice erases all memories of itself from Eduard, they will need to be replaced by something. Eduard will have to have gotten his powers from somewhere to clean up all the loose ends. The Lattice has asked Eduard “What [does he] want to remember [himself] as?”, and that question coupled with the fact that Eduard is only a figment of a God’s imagination at this point has left Eduard with some pretty bad existential crises now and then. Thankfully, he has a handful of options--especially since he has begun to specialize in psionics rather than purely warlock magics, though the ability for psionics was still granted to him by both the Lattice and Modus Tollens.
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[Above] Modus Tollens offering Eduard an eye of Queen Lida and kickstarting his psionic abilities.
[Below] Something about an infinite mind and infinite possibilities.
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I think the fact that he is taking levels in Mystic is so cool also because Queen Lida (Yeah, the lady whose Library Eduard worked at), Eduard’s idol, was apparently also secretly a super-powerful psionic. (I could talk forever about her too.)
I suppose also important to note is that he was delving into the dungeon with three hardened soldiers, all members of the Order of the Black Rose.
The Black Rose?:
Jara, Ed, and Zack were the three individuals Eduard was traveling with. I only say “was” because currently Jara and Zack have left the dungeon to go get help from other members of their order, while Ed and Eduard must stay in the dungeon (more of Modus Tollens’ funky magic that I won’t get too far into right now).
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[Above] Zack, Jara, Eduard, and Ed in order.
They are a perfect example of enemies turned player-favorites, because these three were definitely built to be minor antagonists. They were originally waiting outside of a cave with the intent of beating up the party and robbing them blind of any magic items they might have found, but Eduard was able to convince them to send Ed in with the party to help out and from there they just grew attached.
Their relationship was tenuous at first as Jara, Zack, and Ed (hereon referred to as the Rose) were practically on a suicide mission into the dungeon to retrieve a cursed rite of power that Zack had authored and was stolen from them. No one was supposed to know they were here, especially not other members of their order--so when Eduard asked if he could join the Rose on their delve into the dungeon, Jara initially refused. She cared too much about Eduard to lead him to his death.
Eduard was insistent, though, as at that current time he felt he had nothing else to live for. He had no answers about the Lattice yet and didn’t think he’d ever be able to live a normal life again.
Jara eventually said yes, and fortunately, Eduard’s particular abilities meant that all four of them not only survived but began to make real progress. Succeeding in their mission seemed more possible with Eduard around.
And, of course, with time there was homoerotic tension. I won’t go too deep into that right now, though (but I’d be happy to talk more about Eduard’s relationship with the Rose more if any1 is actually interested…)
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[Above] Zack and Eduard reuniting after stressful encounters for the both of them. I could make a whole post about this image alone.
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hikari-writes · 4 years
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❅A Love Letter I Have to My Lovely and Beloved Friends❅
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(I just know that 30 july was a national friendship day and today is like 31 july already at where I am but,,, just pretend that this is also for National Friendship Day 🤡🔫)
As you all know, it's been confirmed that I'll be going on a hiatus two days from now that I really don't know how long it will go on. So, with that in mind, I wished to leave this message to all the wonderful friends I've made while I was active here on Tumblr during quarantine.
I've started this writing blog a few months ago, to be precise, on May where life in quarantine was starting to become a norm. In the few months until now, I did my best to start writing and drawing more using all the free times that I have.
I wouldn't have expected this blog to grow so much in such a short time. To me, it was really mind blowing, seeing that there's a lot of other great content creators here on Tumblr. Yet, the 300+ people who stumbled upon my blog still decided to follow me.
I was really happy to have made many contents that I'm actually proud of posting. And I still can't believe there are people out there who love them. Seeing every one of your comments and reblogs and likes really, really, squeezed my heart and I couldn't be more thankful for your support.
And during these fun times, I was able to make friends with many amazing, talented, fantastic and all the good words I could find in the dictionary people on here. You all are a real gift to me and I hold you guys close to my heart.
I still can't believe I was able to befriend you guys though, like, y'all are so amazing and I was just here like squeaking my name to you like a shy mice lmao. =///= Anyways, thank you for all the good and fun times. Thank you for being with me and helping me with lots of things. Just, thank you for everything. (I'm writing this at 1am like it's sad hours yall I'm crying :')))
If you are ever feeling down, do not ever forget that, even if it's only me, I'll support you to the end of the world because you're just so amazing and fantastic. I love you and never let any hate that's thrown at you let you down because they aren't worth your time.
The people I'll be mentioning below are my dear friends or just people that I have been interacting with during the times I was online, little or not, I still consider you guys to be my friends (very self-proclaimed here sorry)and I'm still honoured by that fact.
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@your-local-bnha-writer -Bean, you and your posts are always so wholesome and cute and I love them. Keep being amazing, and we may not interact much, but I still appreciate every little convos we had. Also, wish you luck on tpn, that shit hurted :')
@identifybby -Liaaaa, omg im so v v grateful we became friends. You've helped me with a tons of things and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done to me. You're just so amazing and thank you for always putting up with me, i love you sm.
@minteasketches -Mintea! You're such an amazing artist and I rlly enjoyed our conversations! You might not see this since you're off socmed but just wanna let u know that thank u for being my friends.
@yandere-of-your-dreams -Heyyy sis,, you're always such a sweet bean to me and showering me w love and i appreciate them, stay amazing and I'm sure you'll become an amazing writer.
@shotobabe -Ren, wifey, ilysm thank u for always being with me. You're such an awesome person and keep on being yourself. You're perfect and talented, don't let others tell you otherwise. AND while I'm gone, don't forget to drink lots of water okay? I won't be able to remind you while I'm on a hiatus, but please always remember to drink water. That'd be the first thing I'll ask you once I'm able to be online. And please try to eat more okay bb? I love u.
@takumipineapplexd -Taku! Amazing writer and amazing editor, yes I'm talking about you. You're amazing and keep on making cursed content and being crackhead, i love them.
@bnhabadass -We might not talk much, but I just want to let you know that you're so amazing and I look up to u v much. Literally had a heart attack when u commented on angel wings lmao.
@tomomoni -Mon, love, soft bean, I LOVE U. You've always been so wholesome and cute to every one of your followers and seeing ur interactions literally heals my heart. Your art is amazing so continue being amazing ilysm thank u for being an amazing advisor and listener, I'm v grateful for that. You have no idea how blessed I am to have you as a friend. Meeting you through turn on your airdrop's fanart was F A T E.
@kamabukokompachiro -First time u asked my permission to read my fanfic, I legit teared up. Thank u sm for asking, I couldn't be happier to know that my fic is worthy to be read over for a yt channel. Keep on being amazing and ily.
@kaminii -Kamiiiii, sweet child, you're always so matured and calm and I really adore and respect that part of you (unlike me im v childish and rash) You're an amazing writer and editor and ur aesthetic? 100/10. Love it. You're so talented despite being so young and I'm just, WOW. Ily and thank u for being friends w me. And please fix your sleeping schedule bb. It's rlly not good for your health, like please? Ily.
@katsucutie -I love you and your writing so v much, and I rlly enjoyed talking to you, discussing about Burn Book was rlly fun. I might not be able to know the ending since im gonna go on a hiatus but I'll be sure to catch up to it once im back. Keep being amazing and awesome.
@isolshi -CHERIE, I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE AMAZING. Don't be so insecure about your writing. They're amazing. And you're also one of the sweetest and cute person I've met here. I always love teasing you cause your reaction is always so funny and cute. Keep being awesome. And please, please, please get enough sleep and drink LOTS of water. I legit would cry if you don't drink more water cher.
@mirakeul -BIANCAAAAA LOVE YOU'RE SO AMAZING AND SWEET LiKE--- please, I love talking to you and thank you so much for always reminding me to eat. Your calligraphy and handwriting are awesome, shshh i don't take criticism. Never stop writing, I love them. And please never forget I love you and you're my best friend okay?
@roxybefab -You've always been the first to ask me to be on my taglist and I'm so v happy because of that. Thank you for everything, and keep on being awesome. You can do this, ily.
@princessofdawn718 -Talking to you about Hamefura has been so fun! I haven't talked w many ppl about isekai so im rlly glad I could talk about them w you. Katarina x nicol ftw! Thanks for talking to me, it was such a pleasure rlly.
@softkodzuken -Maam your writing is A M A Z I N G. I love anon sm and you're rlly so sweet for always replying to every single comment on them. Don't be so insecure about them, they're amazing and i will always stand by that point. Wishing you the best of luck for Undercover!
@lolitsleia -Your art is *chef's kiss* i love them so much, I still can't believe you hadn't had more recognition like why?? Ur oc alex is the cutest thing ever and i love her. Thank you again for drawing Yuki. She looked really beautiful and cute in your drawing.
@samanthaa-leanne -We may not talk much, but when you first followed me back, my heart goes B O O M. You're so amazing and keep being like that. And uh,, good luck with Violet Evergarden if you ever plan to watch it. Prepare a couple of tissue boxes....or dozens.
@miyumtwins -Fellow android users! I first saw you through Bean's post about a tag game and i was like *gasp* another androiders..! I swear that one time i was interacting w you, I didn't actually meant to go off anon,, yes im dumb lmao. Anyways, you're rlly amazing and I'm rlly honoured to be followed by you.
@kawasuno -Your smau? 100/10. Your sense of humour 100/10. They're just so perfect *chef's kiss* I love every one of your updates and they always managed to put a smile on my face, i was like, how did you do that? My sense of humour is nonexistant, teach me your ways sensei. But anyways, you're rlly amazing and awesome. Keep up w that.
@kukusbabe -Tsu, I've never said this, but it's you. It's always been you all along. What i mean is, I've followed you first (i knew u through zara's flopping server yeah!) And when i looked at my dash and saw all your interactions w your moots, despite me haven't legally started haikyuu yet, i decided to follow all of them, soooo if it's not for you, we may not have met each other. Everyone in the kita family, Tsu is the MVP here muah. Also your aesthethic and writing and everything is so kajsjhendnd amazing i LOvE---
@iwaixiumi -King Nami, you're so awesome and amazing,, and I'm really glad to be able to interact w you. All those songs you recommend? Yeah, I'm going to listen and love all of them, thank u so much for the recs. Keep being amazing and to everyone reading this, PLEASE INTERACT WITH KING NAMI MORE SHE DOESN'T BITE---
@shoutodoki -Hello, you're so amazing and talented and im just,,, kekkdjfjdj when you followed me--- and when u figured out i was the anon talking about oboro i was OAKSJEJDDJ please, i was so honoured u know, like ???? Anyways, keep on writing what you love and your art maam? THEY'RE AMAZING LIKE BOTH YOUR ART AND WRITING IS SO KAJSJDJDN pliS im so v honoured to be able to talk to you.
@lisarillia -Please excuse me while I go shout in the corner of how much i LOVE your arts. They're amazing and being able to talk to you was a real pleasure. Keep on doing what you love. They'll be amazing no matter what i swear.
@cutiedrawsbnha -Cutie, honey, you're amazing and your art is so cute! Don't let what haters said get to you. You're going to grow into an amazing artist. If you give in and listen to what they said, you're going to end up like what they said so ignore them honey! I believe in you so keep shipping izuocha, todomomo, and kamijirou and making arts. Lotsa love!
@lilikags -Heeyyyy you sweet cute innocent bean! Don't ever stop writing what you love, you'll grow into a big blog soon enough, before you know it. Just keep making what you love, and as time pass by, I'm sure there will be many people who will find appreciate everything you do. I'm always supporting you.
@baeshijima -SOPHHHHH YOU SWEET CUTE CINNAMON ROLL WAKATOSHI'S WIFE EYE--- You have NO idea how much i love you,, you're so sweet and I honestly don't know what did i do to deserve you. Srsly you're a blessing to me. Thank you for the sweet daily reminder in my inbox, i love each and every one of them. Keep being so cute and wholesome, love you.
@shinsuque -ANAAAAA Thanks again for the Bakugou's memes! I may not be able to do it before i go on a hiatus though *sobbing* Keep being so awesome! I love seeing all your interactions and you're so amazing i honestly don't know why you followed me----
@semiluvr -LYDIA *SOBBING* THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR INVITING ME TO THE KITA FAMILY. Even though we've known each other in less than a week, it already felt like I had known you guys for so long like whotttt. Keep being an amazing and sweet person ily muah
@dumbass-lev -MOMMY, MUI, ILY THANK U FOR ALWAYS BEING SO SWEET YOU'RE AMAZING,,, u have no idea how happy (and also flustered) I am when i saw you asking you want to adopt me like,,, whot I've never been asked to be adopted online b4 so you asking that was a big surprise to me and just,,, remember that i love you and you're an amazing mommy. Hope i wasn't too much too handle as your child lol and thank u, for asking to invite me to the server. It has been a real pleasure to me to be there.
@pudding-head-kenma -DANIE!! We haven't talked much and I've only known you for a short time but I really love your detailed analysis. They're amazing and you're amazing. Thank you for being so sweet and cute. Ily.
@/🦋 nonoi -🦋 NONOIIII!!! IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS, I JUST WANNA TELL YOU THANK YOU FOR BEING MY EMOJI ANON! I love you you're so sweet and bb please please please don't forget me id cry,,,
@astereim -Rein!!! I know we just talked and all but you seem to be a reaally cool and amazing person,, we might not be able to interact much since I need to go prepare things b4 i go on my hiatus though, but just wanna let u know that ily!
@tokoyamis-luv -please don't come for my neck i haven't been active on the server Lol but anyways, zara, you're amazing and your simping for Kurapika is always fun to watxh. Also all the lin manuel edits are *chef's kiss* we may not talk much but i was rlly honoured to be able to interact w you, even a little bit.
@engel-hageshii - YOU, MAAM are a literal angel, and your comments on my fics always managed to make me smile so much. I love you, please never stop being such a sweetheart.
@laylahoran -I've always loved and appreciate every comments you make. I'm v happy I was able to create a content that you can love. You and engel has been some of my firsts followers and I'm really blessed to have you two.
@oyasenpai -Diemmy! You're so sweet and cute and seeing your interaction w my moots (kami) was what made me follow you. Don't let what others said bring you down, okay? Just do what you want because there're always many people supporting you for it.
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Special message to the kita family server;
Meanwhile while you guys were talking about me there, I was just innocently scrolling through Tumblr, not knowing what kind of fate I'll be receiving 👁👄👁 No wonder I was sneezing so much 🤧🤧🤧
So, I was just scrolling through the pinned messages and I saw tsu said "mui: can we invite hikari? Everyone here: kakskejdjdjdn" and i was just like,,, ??????? I wasn't expecting u guys to have that kind of reaction i--- yall have no idea how much i was grinning while I scroll through those messages. Thank you so much for inviting and accepting me, it's really fun to be with you guys and your crackhead energy 🥰🥰 Thank you to mui for suggesting you had no idea I was really really happy. 😭 Y'all are so amazing and sweet and cute and beautiful kakjdjdd
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To all of my dear friends that I've mentioned above, I LOVE YOU LOTS YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO MET YOU GUYS. Quarantine time has been stressful for a lot of people, and Tumblr can sometimes (a lot of times) be kinda whack but I was really happy to met you guys during my time here. Our time together may have been short, but i feel like we've known each other for more than a year, no caps. I love you all very very much. Thank you for talking to me and befriending me. Remember to get enough sleep, drink lots of water, stay safe and healthy, eat enough meals and, take care of yourself. I love you guys.
And lastly, to everyone reading this, whether i know you or not, or interacted with you or not, or follow you or not, or you follow me or not, just REMEMBER that you are worth it and I love you. Keep on being awesome, and always remember to smile, laugh and live. Don't forget to always DRINK LOTS OF WATER, GET ENOUGH SLEEP, and EAT ENOUGH MEALS.
Signing off,
Hikari.
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mildlycathartic · 3 years
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really, really discouraged about everything. i just feel like i cannot finish projects anymore. i stop halfway through music dissatisfied, i stop 10k words into a book dissatisfied, i can't even finish reading the majority of books. even the ones that i like. i feel like i can't learn anything, my brain is a wasteland, i don't know what i'm doing with life in general. felt a small pulse of happiness when i posted about climate action on instagram - maybe need to feel like my time is being put toward something worthwhile? but also just feel so poisonous. and i'm so so so so upset about my hair. i can't believe i did this to myself. i can't believe i took the thing i was so happy with and ruined it. and i just don't have the money to spend on all these stupid toner treatments that all these stupid sites want me to do. i just want my hair back, i'm never ever ever doing color again. it makes me feel so trashy and worthless and like even if i put effort into looking really nice i'll look gross. got really upset about siof's texts today, she sounded so derisive about this thing i tried so hard on. just everything feels like that lately. like i will never be able to do anything really well anymore. feeling this ridiculous backslide of the late 20s like it's time to just fall into obscurity. i wanted to really do something amazing with my life but now i don't even care anymore. my whole head feels swollen and compressed. i don't care about artfulness or expression anymore. i don't want to try anymore. it's never going to work, ever. everything just feels so gray. even the things that make me happy only last for a few seconds. got home to my apartment and was relieved and happy to see it and then immediately started seeing everything wrong. the brown tips on my spider plant, the slight droopiness of monstera, the stains on my table. mess everywhere. broken fridge light, spots in the shower. everything is such a grind. casually considering nonexistence as a positive option.
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