#I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN IN A BALL AND SOB FOREVER | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

corn-fanfiction · 6 months

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ARMS TONITE (PT 3)

RATING: EXPLICIT (18+)

Warnings: graphic violence, language, torture, thoughts and talk of s*icide, implied r*pe, sadism, Mark is a bad man who does bad things. If I missed any cws, let me know.

DO NOT read this if any of the above warnings trigger you in any way. I'm serious. Take care of yourself <3

This is the third time Mark's drained the tub and yet the water still comes off you pink.

He'd dressed your wounds at the warehouse but then insisted on taking you back to the apartment afterward. A power play, probably, you thought distantly in your mind. Only he can help you in his space.

Your knees are to your chest as Mark gently scrubs along your back yet again. His sleeves are rolled to his elbows and he's been working on you for at least an hour, taking it slow.

"Sit up. Can you sit up for me?"

You mutely obey. He lathers up a loofa to get your neck where most of the blood had sprayed.

You wonder if he even notices the bruises anymore.

That night he doesn't try to fuck you. He gives some physical comfort because you don't have it in you to refuse it right now. His body cradles yours. Not chest to back, he's trying to give you space. But his arm rests under your head and eventually a hand comes to rest across your stomach. You decide it's better to relax into it.

The nightmare is what gets you.

Blood everywhere. More blood than you think should exist in one space and you're drowning in it. You scream and scream and scream as it fills your mouth and threatens your lungs. Somebody, anybody. Please. But no one hears you. No one comes.

You wake with a scream that turns into a sob. Mark is up in an instant and holds you by your shoulders.

"Hey, baby look at me. Hey, it was just a nightmare, alright? Let me get you some water-"

But your fists ball into his shirt as you sob into him and he doesn't leave. You can't take it. You can't take the constant loneliness. Where are the people you were so sure would look for you? You're right under their noses. You could stand stark naked outside in broad daylight and still. They wouldn't see.

You're alone. It's unbearable and carves a hole in your heart. Mark strokes your hair and shushes you, and you feel something creeping into that hole. Like wet cement it pours. The heaviness of it settling sends you back into sleep.

------

"Pancakes, with fresh strawberries. Just how you like."

It's true, and you smile a little. Despite it being a Monday, Mark has called in a little late. He's made you breakfast: your favorite pancakes, coffee, juice.

And yet, a small part of you finds it suspicious that he hasn't asked anything of you in what feels like forever.

"Will you be alright? Here, I mean. I gotta go into work."

You sip your coffee. "Like, work work, or..."

He chuckles. "Precinct. Building traps doesn't keep the lights on."

You hum in slight amusement. "Don't quit your day job."

He slips on his suit jacket. "You didn't answer my question. I can still call in."

"I'll be fine." You lie. The mere thought of being alone, even without him, makes you cold.

"Alright." He plants a kiss on the top of your head. "I'll see you when I get home. We'll do something nice, huh?"

"What, are you gonna take me to dinner?"

It's a joke, or half of one at least. Mark smiles, maybe chuckles a little, but leaves without a word, setting the alarm on the door to a password you don't know and locking it with a key you don't have.

So, no dinner.

The smile leaves your face.

You finish breakfast, because why waste perfectly good food? But afterwards you grow antsy. It's not everyday that Mark leaves you alone in his apartment and you aren't sure what to do with yourself. You could flip through books but you won't be able to focus. No magazines or papers; Mark doesn't want you to know what day it is or what's going on outside.

You meander down the hallway. A spacious bathroom, nice master, office space-

The office.

You've never been inside. One jiggle of the knob tells you that it's locked, but you can't imagine Mark keeps the key on him. It's just an office.

You stand on your tippy toes and feel blindly at the top of the door frame, gasping when you actually grab a key. You can't believe your luck.

You open the door. Inside it's a totally normal office, not that you had expected anything dramatic or, worse, bloodied. But everything looks more of the same. Standard issue bookshelves and desk. A plain lamp sits in the corner. There's a filing cabinet you peek into but all you find are personal records and bank statements.

You turn your attention to the desk. Your bandaged hand bites a phantom pain at you at the mere sight of the thing. Now...what might Mark Hoffman be hiding in his desk behind locked doors?

Remarkably, it's nothing. A lockbox, probably containing his social security card. You shift it around and hear what you assume is a gun also inside. Nothing interesting, nothing useful (unless you suddenly learn how to crack a lockbox).

So, unsatisfied, you lock the door back and return the key. You wander to the bathroom. You look in the mirror and wince at the person looking back. She's not you. Her skin is still stained just barely pink from the blood. Her hair is limp. She's frail, skinny, lifeless.

She's everything you can't imagine yourself being.

But then, a realization creeps up on you.

How could Amanda's torture have helped you at all?

It, along with everything else, has turned you into this thing.

Because now Mark sees you as fragile. Something to take care of. In his eyes, you killed for them. Almost lost your hand for them. All this time, and not a word. But so much blood.

You aren't a threat. You're on their side.

Whether this was Amanda's intended outcome is irrelevant. You doubt she ever even intended to make good on her promise. It doesn't matter.

You are weak, small and helpless. You are everything you need to no longer be a threat.

You'd be offended if it didn't make you so goddamned hopeful.

You're not even thinking straight. You slip on real clothes and a pair of sneakers. All you have to do is get through the door. How stupid could he be to just leave you here! Did you really put on that good of a show???

You consider alternatives for the door. Breaking it down is probably a no go. You could try to crack the alarm system but know almost for certain it'll alert Mark as soon as it's tampered with. And the deadbolt is another issue entirely.

That puts the door at the very bottom of the list.

Okay, now windows. You're up on a second floor which isn't ideal, but it's doable. There's no fire escape so you'd have to jump it. Again, not ideal, especially if you fracture an ankle and need to run.

But, it doesn't look like you have much of a choice.

You check all the windows. The only one with even a remotely safe landing point looks to be one out the back of the bedroom, and only because there's a line of shrubs that border an expansive construction site. It has caused you many a sleepless night.

Of course, when you go to open the window, it doesn't budge. Whether it's jammed, sealed, or stuck from years of neglect, you can't get it open.

You bite your tongue and look around. Something hard and heavy, something throwable.

Aha, a weird decorative ball...thing.

Bless Mark and his bizarre taste in decor.

It's literally just a heavy glass ball, the kind that has bubbles in it so it gives you something to look at and think "wow, how'd they do that?"

You worry a little for the glass against glass and whether that'll even work or not. But the thing is fucking heavy. And for safe measure, not that you're sure it'll do anything, you drop it inside one of Mark's satin pillowcases. You'll say this for Mark: he knows how to take care of his hair.

You plant your feet on the floor and give the pillowcase a few testing swings to get a feel for it.

Yeah, you definitely only get one shot with this.

You inwardly count down. One, two, three!

You swing the ball and smash it into the window with a precision you can't quite believe. And while the ball shatters upon impact, it does leave a sizeable hole in the window. You grab a towel from the bathroom and use it to punch out any remaining glass.

You can't fucking believe it. You actually pulled that off. You're giddy with excitement. You're so close.

You look down and gauge the distance to the shrubs. They look thick, enough to break your fall at least a little. It's about a fifteen foot drop, and subtract your standard height from that, assuming you dangle yourself from the window.

Yeah, it should work. Should, being the operative word.

You ball up the towel and use it to project your hands as you climb your way out of the window. Your damaged hand screams in protest and bleeds through your bandages but that's a concern for another day. A day when you're free.

You let your feet dangle. The fall from here doesn't look so bad.

That's when you see the car tearing down the road.

You don't even hesitate to drop yourself. You land in the shrub, but only partially and you roll onto the curb of the blocked street. You groan and for a moment even forget the fact that you just saw his car.

You remember as soon as hands grip your shoulders.

You remember as you're thrown into the back seat.

Your stomach sinks. Sinks and drips through you into a frozen hell below. That has to be better than whatever awaits you.

You feel it in every fiber of your being. You can feel his rage in every particle of the air around you.

Oh my god just kill me, you think. Please, don't make me endure any more.

"Did you seriously think I didn't have the house bugged?" His hands tighten around the steering wheel. You draw into yourself. "Did you really think I was gonna let you get away? Huh?!" He slams his hand and you flinch. "God, you are going to regret this. You're gonna regret this so much you'll wish you're dead."

And with that, some of the fear subsides.

"I already do."

"Shut the fuck up."

"What can you possibly do to me that you haven't already done?"

His eyes find you in the rearview mirror and all the panic wells up in you again.

"Oh sweetheart...so much."

------

He drags you into the warehouse by your hair, passing Amanda as she works at a bench. She turns to face you all and where you expect a smile, you see none. She almost looks... disappointed.

You expect him to take you to your room but he turns down a hall and leads you somewhere you've never been. You fight against him to obviously no avail.

He throws you into a room. It's fairly empty, save a table with some tools and a solitary chair. Whatever this room is for, it hasn't seen use in a while.

You do your best to scramble away from Mark but a fist collides with your cheek and sends you spinning onto the ground. You spit out blood and a tooth.

He straddles your chest and hits you again- two more times. Then he has hands on your throat.

"What do I have to do-" he squeezes. "To get it through your fucking head? You're not getting out, and you're not dying until I say so."

The worst words you can hear.

You start screaming because what else are you supposed to do?

"Here, lemme help."

Mark produces a knife and stabs you in the shoulder like it's nothing. Your screams grow louder. He stands.

"Keep trying! I don't think they can hear you!"

You're sobbing and your good hand comes around to yank the knife out, but before you can reach it, Mark has brought his boot down into your injured hand. Hard.

White hot pain takes a hold of your vision and you swear your body seizes up for a moment.

He brings the boot down again. And again. You can't breathe.

"Mark- Mark! Please!"

"Please what? Please don't hurt me? I'll be good? Fuck that. No more begging. No more lying-" one final stomp and he really digs into it. You wouldn't be surprised if your hand is mostly gone. You certainly can't feel anything that was suggest otherwise. "No more mercy. I am gonna use you for the one thing I took you for. And when I am done, then I will kill you. But I am going to make it as slow and painful as possible. Starting with this."

He picks you up and throws you against the table, then forces you to bend over it with a cruel hand knotted into your hair.

"Wait, wait Mark Mark Mark-"

He picks up your head and slams it back down hard enough to blur your vision. You feel blood.

You hear his belt coming undone. You feel your pants drop. And he was right. There is no mercy.

Afterwards, he leaves you. Doesn't bother taking any of the tools because he genuinely doesn't think you have it in you to kill yourself. At least not right now. You're laying on the floor. You try to focus on the cool concrete under your skin. You try to ignore the many parts of you that are bleeding.

You almost got away. You were so close. You'd cry if you could.

After a while you hear the door creak open again and you don't move because you can't.

"Jesus..."

It's Amanda. You've never heard her shocked before.

"I didn't think-" but she doesn't finish. She kneels beside you. You don't look at her.

"In my defense, I really did think you'd make it out."

"Just leave the door open," you mutter. "That's all you have to do. Just leave it open."

Your words barely sound like words due to the missing teeth and swelling face. Amanda brushes some hair that is sticky with blood.

"I really do hate him," she muses. "And you... you're not half bad, you know?"

"Please..." you mumble. "If you won't help me, kill me. Please."

"You don't even wanna see what your hand looks like right now," she says with a chuckle, abruptly changing the subject before standing. "Anyway, you've got plenty of tools here. Finish the job yourself."

She leaves. Minutes later you roll over, try to sit up. You can't, but you do notice something.

The door to the room is wide open.

You know you won't get a chance like this again.

You crawl your way to the door and use the handle to help yourself stand. Then, remembering yourself, you limp back to the table and grab one of the knives with your working hand. You don't even bother to look at the other.

You limp back towards the door. You look both ways into the hall but don't give much thought to the possibility of Mark being there. If he's still in the building, he would be in the room with you.

You go. You try to be quick but you know there's no real reason to rush yet. Amanda's not going to stop you. You only don't know how long it'll be before Mark comes back.

You limp down the stairs and spot Amanda. You freeze for a moment, and she watches you, then looks back down whatever she's tinkering with. You could cry. You can see the door. You have no way of getting home but that's the farthest thing from your mind.

You limp into the hallway, but you are suddenly blocked by-

"Mr. Kramer!"

You jump back. He's in his wheelchair, sitting in an adjoining doorway, almost like he's waiting for you. He says nothing, only gazes up at you with those small, all-seeing eyes. You can't even imagine the state of yourself.

"Mr. Kramer... please..."

Your voice wavers. Your whole body shakes. At your words, John chuckles.

"Such with the formalities." He pushes himself up from the chair and suddenly Amanda is at his side. "For what it's worth, I'm truly sorry for what my apprentice has done to you. He is misguided. He's not long for this word. His foolishness will catch up with him soon enough."

Your eyes dart to your right, to the doors. You know they both notice this, but neither move.

"...You're not gonna stop me?"

"I don't see any reason to. I'm an old man. A dying one. My work here is almost complete. I see no reason to deprive you of the rest of your life, which you so clearly cherish."

You gasp and sob. You want to hug the man.

"Thank you," you breathe. Turning, you go towards your escape. But the creaking of the doors stops you and you spin on your heels back towards John and Amanda, the only two people that you can rely on right now. You don't know how much John will fight Mark about you, and Amanda is a total wild card. Still, you lean on the wall near them as Mark swings the doors open and strides in, and when he sees you, he clearly wasn't expecting you to get out of that room alone.

His eyes shift between you, Amanda, and John, and he laughs.

"I didn't think you had it in you."

"You honestly think I'd sooner let you hurt me again, or even kill myself before I tried to run?"

Mark sighs and shakes his head.

"You never learn."

He makes a move towards you and you squeal and turn to the wall like it's going to save you somehow. But the blow never lands. He's quiet for a moment, then,

"Move."

You get the idea he's not saying it to you. You turn your head. Amanda has placed herself between the two of you.

Amanda doesn't budge.

"Mark," John says softly. "Let her go. It's time."

"She'll tell everyone," Mark hisses to his mentor.

"That's a risk you took when you brought her here," Amanda says, pointing to Mark's chest.

"Let her tell. It won't matter soon, anyway."

Mark's burning eyes move to you again. Oh, how only a few hours ago- or was it a day? You can't remember. However long ago, his eyes had almost, almost spelled comfort. He'd bathed you, fed you, held you as you cried.

But he'd also hurt you in the most unspeakable ways.

You know which motivates you more.

"All I want to do is get out of this god-forsaken city and scrub my body of you," you spit at Mark, your voice going raw at the emotion. "Maybe I will tell. But you'll never see me again. That much I can guarantee you."

"Mark, let her go," John repeats. And for the first time, you see Mark in true distress. He can't decide who to hate, or who to curse at. His breathing is growing labored in his quiet fury and he finally turns to you and grips your jaw with a tight, gloved hand.

"Hoffman-" Amanda warns.

"Shut the fuck up," Mark hisses back at her. He looks you in the eyes. "Run. Tell anybody. Do whatever you want. But the next time I see you-"

"Never-"

"The next time I see you, it's over."

And for a moment, however brief, you see in his eyes, past the cold sadism and mania, that he doesn't want to let you go. Perhaps not because of the violence or the punishment of it all. But maybe, just maybe, you were something he needed.

But he releases his hold on you with a toss and you stumble towards the exit. You don't turn around to look at Amanda or John. Don't cry or hesitate. You blow through the doors, stutter down the steps, and you run. You run so very far and for so very long. You don't know where you're going next, and right now you don't care. The sun is warm and hopeful on your skin. The salty air from the waterfront stings your lacerations but you don't care. You are free. You are free.

You are free.

#mark hoffman #saw fanfic #mark hoffman x reader #angst #fanfiction

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morgemuffel · 5 years

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MALEC. ➰ PROS & CONS TO MARRY YOU. (STAY WITH ME)

This story takes place between episode 3Bx16 & 3B17. Why does Alec suddenly thinks about getting married?

-> Alec creates a pro and contra list about whether he should propose to magnus or if it is too early etc. He confronts himself with his thoughts and fears, which had never been expressed loudly before. *(Part 3 of my series: our heart beats like one)

My vision is blurred and everything around me happens like in slow motion. I'm standing there like a fool and don't have the strength to move. My heart contracts as if it were crushed in someone's fist. The air is thin and Izzy had called Catarina Loss to help, when she heard my cries for help. I'm so mad at myself. "Magnus, Magnus, can you here me?" is the only thing I can say. Why didn't I see it coming? I'm still standing there as if rooted to the ground, too shocked to do anything meaningful. "Please, I'm right here" I continue talking, in the hope that he at least hears my voice. I had given Magnus a heart rhythm massage until Cat finally arrived after a felt eternity. Cat now kneels next to Magnus on the floor and holds her hands over his right clavicle and left chest muscle. Stand back" she commands. A blue cloud flows out of her palms, enveloping his lifeless body, and once again an electric shock of several thousand volts shot through his chest area to reactivate his heartbeat. "Come on, Magnus. Hang in there" Catarina screamed in panic as still nothing happened. "Catarina is he going to be all right?" I ask anxiously. Another electric shock. But Magnus, whose body had just shrugged like wild before, lay there now only calm and motionless. "I...I...Alec he's gone..." Cat sobs and looks at me in disbelief. I see the tears rolling over her blue face. I know that she has done everything in her power, because she doesn't even have the strength to maintain her glamour. I feel pure fear crawling up inside of me. No. No he can't be dead, he simply just can't be dead! I don't know how, but somehow my body starts moving again and I stumble uncoordinated and fall on the floor next to Magnus. Stay with me is the only thought that constantly wanders through my head and throbs like my own heartbeat in my head. I form my right hand into a ball and place the left hand over it to start another heart rhythm massage. I feel Cat's pitiful look on me, but she says nothing. I won't give up on him. Press twice per second, I know how it works, every shadowhunter knows the required frequency, but the longer I press the more the fear is taking over me and the more irregular my rhythm becomes. I repeat: "stay with me Magnus" to the beat of my pressure movement. I can't lose you, I just can't. "Stay with me Magnus" I taste something salty wet in my mouth and realize that it is my tears that flow over my face and is taking my sight. But I can't wipe them away. I don't have time to release my hands from Magnus. "Stay with me Magnus! I don't have to see anything to know that I can't stop, that I won't stop. "Stay with me Magnus!" I drift off and my body... Oh God as if I were in free fall... No. No. No. The darkness surrounds me and I am lost in nothing. My thoughts echo through the dark void. Our hearts beat like one and if his stop beating, mine dies with him. Magnus is dead.

Alec opens his eyes disorientated, he is bathed in sweat and his heart races as fast as it threatens to jump out of his chest. He looks around in fear and searched for Magnus. He is alive, it was all just a nightmare! At least the part about his death. Alec's subconscious had probably played a trick on him with his greatest fear. The fear of losing Magnus. How could this happen? Why had he not noticed the signs? Or had he noticed them and simply ignored them...? Alec is sitting on a very uncomfortable plastic chair, in the New York Institute in the Medic department, watching Magnus. His chest lifts and lowers gently to the beeping sound of the ECG device. His breathing is flat and slow but he is breathing. It is so unusual to see him uncombed and without make-up. In the blue coat he seemed almost inconspicuous and very vulnerable. Alec has been sitting on this chair for hours, he must have fallen asleep, he thinks, rubbing the palms of his hands against his face. He closes his eyes and the pictures reappear before his inner eye. With a shake of his head he tries to shake the pictures away. Yes, it was close but they had made it and Cat had set up everything right here to watch Magnus non-stop. A cold shiver ran down Alec's back as he tried to interpret his dream, it had felt so real. And he believed he knew what the message was behind it. He had to apologize to Magnus. Alec had a guilty conscience because he should have known how tortured his boyfriend really was.

Alec interlaced his fingers and began to speak slowly: "Magnus, I... I don't know if you can here me. But this is my fault. I was selfish. When you first lost your powers and you said you were okay with it, I...I didn't think twice. I guess I was just so happy that maybe we could... grow old together." He took a break to breathe deeply. It was the first time he said it out loud. He was ashamed of that thought. He had asked himself several times whether he was a bad boyfriend because of that. He had talked to Underhill about this topic. But to say it out loud, to hear his voice, brought him the knowledge and thus the answer to his question. It had hurt him when Magnus had accepted Lorenzo's magic without talking to him about it. But Magnus magic was a part of him and he didn't have the right to begrudge him that. And he knew one thing for sure. To see Magnus happy was the only thing that really mattered. Alec's heart got heavier at this thought and he started rubbing his thumb over his ankles nervously. He tended to exert so much pressure on that movement that it almost hurt. But the pain there eased the pain in his heart. He sniffed before continuing: "I guess I just didn't realize, how deep down, how much you were suffering. Magnus, I love you. He reached for Magnus' hand, near the tears and his voice was now full of despair: "More than anyone in the world and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He heard the sliding door open and quickly wiped away the one tear that had made it over his cheeks. "May I come in" Cat asked gently. "Yeah" Alec replied and stood up with a deep sigh to talk to Cat about Magnus' condition. "Did you manage to make contact with the people at the Spiral Labyrinth" he asked full of hope. She nodded, "yes, I shared the test results, an he agreed. Magnus' body is rejecting Lorenzo's magic. "Rejecting? What do you mean?" Alec asked and folded his arms in front of his chest. "Think of it like a failing organ transplant. Each time Magnus performs a spell it puts a tremendous strain on his body. He got lucky this time. He will regain consciousness . But if he uses magic again, even for something small, he might not survive," she explained to Alec in a haunting tone. "Why can't you just fix him? Why can't you just take Lorenzo's magic out?" Alec asks in surprise. "I wish I could. The only one who can reverse the transfer is the person who gave it to him" she explains. "Lorenzo did this on purpose," Alec hummed furiously. "Alec, there's no way he could have planned it. With magic transfusions, there's always this possibility." Cat tried to protect Lorenzo. But Alec disagreed. "No he knew how desperate Magnus was. He took advantage of him. I'm not gonna let this son of a bitch get away with it." he hissed upset and tried to squeeze past Cat. But Catarina grabbed him by the arm and held him tight when she said: "You need to settle down. What's the shadowhunter saying? - Emotions cloud judgment? - You loose your temper with Lorenzo, he'll have less incentive to help. Like it or not, Lorenzo Rey is Magnus only hope" she made clear to him.

On his way to Lorenzo's loft, Alec shook his head in disbelief. Had he really just thought that? He corrected the sentence in his mind. Magnus' Loft. He was on his way to Magnus' loft in Brooklyn that was stolen by this mucous guy Lorenzo Rey. Magnus hasn't woken up yet, so Alec had decided to ask Lorenzo to take back the magic he had given him. He was almost certain that this would also be Magnus' wish. Magnus' near death had shown Alec how precious time is. And he knew that he wanted to spend all his time also if only 10 years or even 60 years, with Magnus at his side. Nothing was more precious than the time with him. When Magnus agreed to his suggestion to move in together, Alec was the happiest person ever. There was only something that could make him happier. To make Magnus his forever. Put a ring on his finger and call him his husband. There were many reasons for this, but he also knew that there were some contras. He started to write a pro and contra list in his head:

PRO:

- It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever

CONS:

- Magnus had just suffered some losses, his status symbol as High Warlock of Brooklyn was taken away from him and his loft, his home, was taken from him. These losses sparked a kind of identity crisis in him

I remember what it was like before Magnus. The time of uncertainty, fear and my own identity crisis. It was like my whole life was a lie, I was living a lie. It was before Jace, I had always known it. I'm not saying that I am different but in the eyes of others I am. All of us who don't fit into the over century formed norm are considered different. Growing up in a society that fears everything and everyone just because they don't understand it or know it differently and respond with hate is sad. The hate and fear that was directed against other races or against the preference of sexuality frightened me. I was afraid of this hate and took the safe side. The don't ask don't tell side of the shadowhunter culture. I preferred to be angry and unhappy than to deal with these feelings. On some days I feel ashamed not to have been brave enough before Magnus came into my life. To simply ignore the prejudices and discriminations and to stand by myself. But for shadowhunter - family, honour and tradition are written in capital letters. At least that's what they believe. And I certainly didn't want to be the first Shadowhunter in my family to destroy this supposed honor. Family is everything to me. Grown up in the institute under the enormous pressure of the council and my parents. I always did everything for my parents and for the council. My fater drilled in to me that I was never good enough. I always thought it was me, because they felt who I really was and wanted to suppress it. So I did the same and ignored my feelings. I was impure with myself and carried this anger inside me for years. I couldn't define exactly where it came from but I was always angry at everything and everyone. Not knowing who you are and not knowing where you belong is terrible. By the angel I'm so happy that I met Magnus.

"Maybe you should start living for yourself. Do what's in your heart" he had told me back then. I thought I would never be allwed, or to even find somoen to marry out of love and the only thing I could hope for would be a solid partnership with a woman. But here I am, in a happy relationship with the man I love above everything else. I will do everything in my power to lead him back to his identity as he helped me. So pack up your hatred and discrimination. I alone decide how my life goes on.

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, not that I would know." I hear Magnus' voice in my head.. We'll find out, my darling, we'll find out.

Alec circled the two reasons and tried to look at them from every angle. He was a man of tradition and honour and he always knew he wanted to get married one day. He just never would have thought that this wish could actually become reality with someone he loved with all his heart. But here he was and his boyfriend was Magnus Bane. He knew he would never love anyone as much as he loved Magnus. He also knew that a marriage is about being together for the rest of your life and that this same - a life long - was a different view for Magnus before. Magnus was no longer immortal and to ask for his hand now would painfully remind him of this loss. Alec wondered if it wouldn't be possible to ask Asmodeus to give Magnus back his real magic and thus his birthright, his immortality. What would be the price? For sure one that Alec can't pay at all. He sighed and began to walk faster. There was also the housing situation, he was at least able to fix. Cat had told him that Magnus had asked her for a real estate agent. But Magnus was in the infirmary and couldn't make it to that appointment today and Alec wouldn't leave his side for a house visit. The apartment could wait, but he was looking forward to starting this new phase of his life with Magnus. So it was 1 to 1 when he stood in front of the door of the loft and was about to knock, when it swung open and Mozart's symphony came towards him.

Lorenzo had already expected him, charming isn't? It's one of Mozart's lesser-known works, but certainly one of my favorites. You should have seen the look on Wolfgang's face when I told him what I really thought about his Mass in C minor," he bluffed to Alec. But Alec didn't have time for this small talk, they both knew that they would never be friends in this and possibly in any other life. "We need to talk" Alec said and tried to make his voice sound as calm and controlled as possible. "Hang on. This is the best part." He just wanted to provoke Alec, no they wouldn't even be friends in another dimension. Alec switched off the music to show him the urgency of his visit. "What can I do for you, Mr. Lightwood? he asks and takes a sip from his martini. "Magnus has fallen ill as a result of the magic you gave him" Alec told him. "I did warn your boyfriend of the risks involved. He assured me he could handle it" Lorenzo replied visibly unmoved. When he poured himself a second drink. "Well he can't. And I would appreciate if you would take the magic back." Alec said in a thoughtful tone. "Yes, I'm sure you would appreciate that. But he brought this upon himself. Not my fault the pompous old warlock falls by his own hubris." Lorenzo was amused by Magnus' pain and Alec knew that he had no intention of helping them. But why? "Why? Why do you hate him so much? he asked without understanding. "It's simple. All my life, I've had to sit by and watch while the world lavished praise on Magnus Bane. The prodigy. The High Warlock who could do no wrong." Lorenzo said bitterly. So that's it Alec thought, he was insecure and jealous. "Green isn't becoming on you, Lorenzo," he simply stated. "You have no idea how hard I've had to work for everything that I have" he hissed and put his glass down. Before he continued. "That man was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. His celebrity is not based on talent. It's nepotism. Alec felt the rage crawling up in him and with each of Lorenzo's words it was harder to suppress them. "Lorenzo, you're right about one thing. Magnus is beloved. And when word gets out that you wouldn't help him, purely out of jealousy, how would you think the other warlocks are gonna feel?" Alec said as he walked up to Lorenzo to underline the threat in his voice. But Lorenzo remained unimpressed and said: "I guess we'll find out, won't we?" The fuse in Alec's head blew, how could this cockroach even dare. He would have loved to go for Lorenzo. "You bastard. I swear, I will..." But Lorenzo interrupted him annoyed. "You'll what? he asked unimpressed and shot Alec with a clenched load of his magic towards the exit. "I believe we're done here. You can show yourself out." Alec knew that his last visit by Lorenzo was also part of Lorenzo's rage against Magnus. Anger, anger didn't get him any further, he had to convince Lorenzo at all costs. Magnus' life was at stake and he would beg on his knees if he had to.

"You've never been in love, have you?" Alec asked desperately. Lorenzo must have loved someone at least once in all those years. Alec had to remind him. "I'm over 300 years old. Of course I have. More times than I care to admit" Lorenzo said cool. Alec saw his chance and slowly walked towards Lorenzo again. "Well, for me, it's only one. Magnus," he said and looked at Lorenzo as he went on. "He is my world. And if he dies..." Alec sobbed, who now found it hard to keep his feelings under control. He didn't care if Lorenzo saw him that way, saw him the Head of the New York Institute so vulnerable. He didn't care if he ridiculed himself and he didn't care that he just revealed his greatest weakness. Alec raised his hand to a defensive position when he said, "Look, Lorenzo, he's no threat to you. Okay? He doesn't have his powers." His eyes filled with water and a tear ran down his face as he begged Lorenzo. "Just please... Please help him"

Alec left the loft with Lorenzo's word to help Magnus. A cool breeze blew in his face and dried his last tears. The heated conversation had given him two more points on his imaginary list. To show oneself so vulnerable to someone and to reveal oneself. Showing oneself as one in front of two different worlds, a unity that nothing and nobody could destroy.

PRO:

- Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days

CONS:

- The Clave doesn't like to see Shadowhunters and Downworlders getting married. It's not forbidden, but since The Clave is mainly interested in making more shadowhunters, it's a bit frowned upon to marry a warlock or a vampire, because they can't have children.

Even though deep inside I always knew that I was gay, I had always imagined a family with children. I could have imagined them with Lydia too, even though the thought of having sex with her made me freak out a little. Lydia is great but still a woman. Maybe the Clave would agree to an adoption for a Shadowhunter or a Downworlder baby? The Mundane couples have to be married as far as I know if they want to adopt... Would an adopted child even like me? With Madzie it's always wonderful and children love Magnus anyway. But maybe Madzie was a exception. Well they'll like at least one of us. So the biggest problem would be the Clave. For whom I'm already a thorn in their eyes, the gay head of the New York Institute, who is in a relationship with a Downworlder. So what, fuck that point. I really hope that Magnus also wants children. I think he's born to be a dad. He has so much patience and love to give. He has travelled so many countries and lived through so many decades, he would certainly have great good night stories. Him and I as parents, who could teach our children love and tolerance. To pass on our views and values and to show the world that there is another way. That diffrent doesn't mean weird or wrong, but that the world view is outdated and wrong. And it's on us to start change that.

The Clave always had such weird rules. In the past, Alec wouldn't have noticed the inconsistencies. He obeyed orders blindly without questioning them. But now, why did they make rules they disapproved anyway? And have they ever thought that two same-sex shadowhunters and downworlder would want to get married? Because Alec didn't know if that was possible at all. But he knew something else, no matter how, he and Magnus would one day start a family together. Alec had never asked Magnus if he wanted to have children, but somehow it was a logical step, wasn't it? Or was Alec once again too far with his thoughts and wishes? He was walking past a playground and saw all the Mundane mothers playing with their toddlers. A dream he had dreamed so many times, before meeting Magnus. Changing his children's nappies, teaching them to walk and fight and attending their first shadowhunter rune ceremony. All those things, those kitschy things he had wished for were not graspable before Magnus, but now. Now he suddenly had the chance to make all his dreams become real, with the man of his dreams. And before any of this could come true, Magnus had to wake up. He increased his pace again because he wanted to be the first thing for Magnus to see when he opened his eyes.

Alec was sitting on the uncomfortable chair in the institute again, his butt was slowly strating to hurt but he didn't care. He saw Magnus' eyelashes start to twitch. "Magnus, can you hear me" Alec asks. Magnus blinks and slowly opens his eyes. "There you are. Hey," Alec said pleased. Magnus is still a little confused and Alec gently turns his head with his two fingers in his direction. Magnus chuckles when he sees Alec. "There you are" Magnus repeats and pats gently and awkwardly Alec's cheeks. "Yeah" Alec replies smiling. "What happened?" Magnus asked, still slightly dazed. Alec tried to explain it to him as simple and gently as possible. "Oh, well you got very sick. But everything's gonna be okay." Magnus tried to sit up and Alec got up quickly to help him. Just hold on. Here, let me get that for you." Alec said lovingly. Magnus tried to play the whole situation down again when he joked: "Oh I could get used to this type of treatment. Oh but definitely not to this wardrobe." Alec realized that Magnus wasn't aware of how serious the whole thing was. "Right. Let me get you a change of clothes" he said and wanted to get going. "No, no need" Magnus said and raised his hand to use his magic. "No!" Alec screamed full of panic and healed Magnus' hand so that he couldn't use his magic. "Alexander, what..." Magnus began irritated as his gaze wandered to the door and he noticed Lorenzo. "What's he doing here?" he asked even more astonished. Alec took a deep breath to explain everything to Magnus: "Using Lorenzo's magic is what got you sick. Catarina says that if you use the magic again, even a little bit, it could go horribly wrong. The only way for you to get better is for Lorenzo to take the magic away." He looked away at Magnus and hoped to see an understanding for all this in his eyes but Magnus only replied: "Oh. No, Caterina's just being overly cautious. Trust me, I feel fine." Alec should have known it. Of course, Magnus wasn't aware of how narrowly he escaped death. He had to tell him everything. "No. can we just get a minute, please?" he said and looked at Lorenzo, who had only observed the whole situation pitifully. "No! I'm not getting rid of my magic. Magnus screamed angrily. Why was he so stubborn? Alec had to make him understand how dangerous it was to leave the magic in his body. He didn't want his nightmare to suddenly become reality.

Magnus got up angrily and went for his clothes himself, he stood demonstratively with his back to Alec. But Alec just stood quietly next to him and waited until he had dressed before telling him exactly what had happened. He wasn't sure if Magnus was just pretending he didn't realize how dangerous this magic was for him. "Magnus, you stopped breathing." Alec began. "Your heart stopped. I thought you were gone." Magnus's anger vanished slowly. He hadn't know it had been so bad. "I'm so sorry for scaring you. I was clearly adjusting to Lorenzo's magic and I must have overextended myself." He turned to Alec with a smile to show him he was serious: "I promise, I'll be more careful from now on," he said before returning his attention to his shirt. "It doesn't matter how careful you are. As long as you have Lorenzo's magic, you'll be living with an axe over your head" Alec contradicted. What was wrong with Magnus? "Oh, could you stop being so morbid?" Magnus said when he turned back to Alec. The two men clearly talked past each other. "Look, I know how important magic is to you, but is it really worth dying for it?" Alec tried again. But Magnus didn't answer. "Magnus, answer me." Alec asked again with insistence and full of fear of the answer. Magnus said "Maybe" without turning around and Alec was stunned. "How can you even say that? Alec asked. Magnus now looked at him again and Alec saw the anger, the self-hatred and the fear in his eyes when he said: "I'm nothing without my magic. "You fell in love with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Can you honestly say you don't feel differently about me?

Look at me! Can you honestly say you like this?" he asked in disbelief and disgust as he pointed to his body. Alec was slowly getting desperate, he had to convince Magnus that he loved him even without his magic. "Yes. Your powers were incredible, but that's not why I felt in love with you. I..I..fell in love with you because you're wise a..and you're generous and you're brave and you're incredible" Alec stammered. The feelings overcame him, why couldn't Magnus see it? Why didn't he see how unbelievable he was? Alec continued: "I just... When you walk into a room, there's a spark in you, magic or not, th..tha..that lights up everything and everyone around you. "A..aaa..and... Hey!" he grabbed Magnus by the arm who was about to turn away. Alec didn't know what to say anymore. He only knew one thing he couldn't live without Magnus! When Magnus looked at him again Alec said desperately the last thing he still knew: "I won't lose you. I can't." The room was tense and they just looked at each other. And finally Alec saw it in Magnus' eyes. He got through to Magnus.

When Lorenzo left the room after the withdrawal of the magic, of course not without clarifying that he would keep the loft. Alec noted down his last two pros and cons.

PRO:

- I love him

CONS:

- Magnus would rather die than live without his magic

The last two reasons he noted down were the ones that weighed most heavily on him. So he sorted the list in his head again and prioritized these last two reasons. He loved Magnus more than anything else there was no doubt. But Magnus wasn't sure if he could live on without his magic or if he wanted to. Alec hears the echo of his words in his head, again and again: "I am nothing without my magic."

Yet I don't understand it. I thought I understood it, how dependent Magnus is on his magic. That I understand his pain. But I'm not a warlock and no matter how hard I try I will never fully understand what Magnus is going through. I keep trying to compare it with the Parabatai bond of me and Jace. If Jace died in a fight, I would feel incomplete and like a stanger a nobody without this bond. A part of me would die and be lost forever. And yet I would never prefer my own death than a life with Magnus. At least I hoped that this thought was true.

This thought ignited the little hope he needed. The hope that Magnus didn't mean it as seriously as he had said it before. That deep down inside his love for Alec was stronger. So it was 3 to 3, equal. No matter how often he went through the list he came to a single decision.

PRO:

- I love him

- It was a promise for eternity, a promise to be at his side forever

Start a family, after all, there are many other options these days

CONS:

- Magnus would rather die than live without his magic

It didn't matter what was on the contra side of his list, as long as his love for Magnus was at the top of the pro side. He loved Magnus and that outdid all other reasons."I have everything I need, right here." Magnus had said it aptly. And this one reason was the most important one. And therefore he, Alexander Gideon Lightwood would ask Magnus Bane to marry him.

Alec looked through the window of the small library his mother had bought and took a deep breath. On the way there two pros and contras came to his mind. He didn't put them on the list because his decision had already been made but they were still haunting around in his head.

PRO:

- He'd have my last name, Magnus Lightwood-Bane

CONS:

- He could say no, and I would completely embarrass myself

I think everyone is a bit afraid of this scenario when planning a proposal. Even though I know that Magnus loves me, there is a risk that he will reject my proposal. It could be one of my reasons on the contra column or a completely different one and I think I wouldn't only be sad but it would also be really embarrassing for me. Embarrassing because I'm so impatient, but who doesn't dare doesn't win. And therefore I won't initiate everybody in what I intend to do and try to plan the whole thing in a small scale if not even alone. Hiding it from Jace will probably be the hardest, as he will feel my nervousness for sure, so if he asks me I'll just tell him. Maybe for once he even has a good tip for me. Or could tell me if Alec Bane sounds silly?

Alec opens the door and enters the book store. "Hi" he said and walks to greet his mother. Maryse turns to him and smiles as she greets him: "Alec. What a nice surprise! The two embrace and Alec looks around as he says, "I thought I'd actually stop by and see the place." "Im proud of you." Most of the shelves were already dusty and the books had been rearranged. "Thanks. It's really coming together, isn't it? Maryse said radiantly. Alec was a bit nervous and answered with a question. "There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about." he burst out. Maryse looked at him uncertainly and tried to interpret his face. "What is it?" she asked, worried. The two sat down when Alec began to tell her: "Uhm..Magnus had a little health scare." Maryse was shocked but Alec spoke quickly. "He's okay, everything's fine, but when it happened, it made me realize how much he means to me, and I.. I.. can't live without him." This sentence made his mother overjoyed. She was so happy that her son found someone who loved him heart and soul just as much as he loved him. What could make a mother happier? "That's what love is" she said with a smile. Alec chuckles. "I'm so happy you two found each other." she said. "Me too." Alec said sheepishly. The question burned on his tongue as he slowly began.

"And I need the family ring." he said and looked at her insistently. Maryse stared back not sure if her son really intended what she was thinking he was intended to say. "I'm gonna ask Magnus to marry me." Alec said after a break and Maryse chuchles overwhelmed. Yes she had thought right. She couldn't believe it and jumped up to pull her son into an intimate embrace. Her son is actually getting married!

#shadowhunters #the mortal instruments #malec #Alec Lightwood #Magnus Bane #Magnus x Alec #stay with me #I am nothing without my magic!#i need the family ring #shtv #shadowhunter spoilers #nephilimdaily

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