#I’m trying to figure myself out because my parents don’t believe in HASHTAG THERAPY | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

delcat177 · 3 years

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We DIDN’T Start the Fire: Introspective

I’m actually feeling a little more validated by every shitty message, as contrary as that seems. I really do care a lot about kids, I have a clutch of niblings in my chosen family, I plan on having tads myself someday, and more than that, I sincerely do believe that children deserve MUCH better protection online. Kids deserve best. That’s a tag, you can check it.

But back when I got called out, I was in a very vulnerable place, trying to figure out my own head, and despite having an absolutely inverse reaction to kids in any kind of intimate fashion (I mean, except familial I love you platonic...would you call it intimacy, making stegosaurus pancakes, Christmas morning, warmth is what that is I think I DIGRESS),,

It freaked me. They were saying the same horrible things about how my fiancé was gonna get hurt, kids were gonna get hurt, I was enabling rapists and pedophiles, I should go eat shit and die (from someone who told me they got horribly triggered by the phrase ‘eat shit’ and guilt-rolled me endlessly for it, at that).

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop checking myself going “am I being Bad, am I being Gross, oh no I can’t Netflix and chill because if I’m in my intimates and a kid shows up I am basically molesting that child”, like. It has been BAD. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to be mindful of what you do, the discomfort from seeing a kid on TV while I’m having a saucy couch day is genuine gross-out because it crosses wires I don’t want crossed, but it’s also only hurting me.

Last month I nailed down the realization proper, after talking with a good friend--like the religious paranoid who is constantly vigilant and terrified by intrusive thoughts of blasphemy, or the parent paranoid who is constantly vigilant and terrified by intrusive thoughts of killing their new infant, I had developed into a prospective-being-around-kids-person who was constantly vigilant and terrified by intrusive thoughts of “if I am a sexual being in the same universe as a child it will hurt them”.

Hashtag actually OCD.

I used to be the religious paranoid. The idea of Doing The Worst Thing is so gut-wrenchingly disturbing that you can’t block the idea out, and if you don’t realize that mechanism, that it IS the Worst Thing, you turn into a mess of WHY DO I THINK SUCH TERRIBLE THINGS (for reference, this is not thinking about children sexually in any way, which would be the actual worst thing, but, again, my private adult sexuality somehow harming children who aren’t even present in the same state as me, who have no idea I even exist). It was the same damned song and dance as when I used to pray nonstop because I thought I would go to Hell otherwise.

I genuinely only realized this in mmmmmmmMarch

so it’s actually really timely to be bombarded by actual kids in my inbox and going “oh, yeah, no, all I want to do here is shoo them off so they don’t read my bondage fics”. I don’t want to interact with them. I definitely don’t want to *interact* with them. I just want them safe.

It’s been a very freeing realization, that I’ve been stuck with policing myself militantly when I believe in neither of those institutions and that there is absolutely no way I’m harming anyone by thinking about smooching while watching Stranger Things, even if the true object of my heart is only onscreen sometimes...

(doki doki Demo <333) (”stop having feelings for monsters”) (HARKNESS TEST MY DUDE)

...because I am not a pedophile. I have no interest in children. I have so un-interest in children that I’m haunted by the idea of GETTING an interest in children, which is just not how it works. I don’t feel sexy when the kids are onscreen, I feel YEAH YEAH YOU GO GUYS GET ‘EM Dustin you’re my favorite don’t tell the others. I want to give them big bags of quarters for the arcade and maybe while they’re gone see about romancing an eldritch abomination. THAT is what I am about at my core.

Honestly? I don’t think I even want real-world sex. With anyone. For now, at least, I would have to go through some very deep and targeted therapy to up my self-indulgent...self-indulgence to include another person because of how I was traumatized, and a spotter for anxiety attacks. I don’t know if it’s entirely out of the question, but it’s not a question I’m asking. People think sex is the biggest thing out there. It ent. It’s a hobby. A fun one, for me, alone, solo. I’m good. I’m covered.

So here we are, landed in the worst case scenario--kids coming into my private space--and I didn’t even think of harming any of them, because of course I wouldn’t, why did I think I ever would?

If there’s a moral here, it’s even if you think your OCD is under control, you should always be aware of your inclinations towards your particular brand of obsession and compulsion, know how to deal with intrusive thoughts and habits, and don’t let people convince you you’re what you absolutely aren’t because they hate your guts and slash or they’re bored.

can we please put this in a time capsule and send it back to when I needed it in 2015

no?

FINE I’ll just live my best life jeez

(demmy-san, won’t you help me dust the shelves? You’re so big and strong, and I just can’t reach~) (”you are impossible”) (damned straight I am)

#about me #we didn't start the fire 20xxk #lamp tag #recovery #slice of monster fucker life #wow that's a tag i have #kids deserve best #psychology #trauma #ocd #actually ocd #intrusive thoughts #i may write more on this thread later #the intrusive thoughts part #as much as i kid about gorgie i don't think i feel comfortable with it #just a little bit too low on the communication scale #YES I ACTIVELY THINK ABOUT MONSTER CONSENT #DOESN'T EVERYONE?

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