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deflare · 7 years

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What follows under the cut is a very long analysis of New World Magischola, including the feelings I had and what I can do about them. Read if you like or if you’re interested. If you’re curious about something and want some extra context, let me know.

New World Magischola Run 7 was a rough game for me. I was optimistic going in, based on my good experience at Event Horizon--a game where I was always busy, always writing, and always feeling engaged with the event as a whole. I didn't pursue dramatic personal story arcs or deep emotional play, but that was fine; I enjoyed helping everyone else's stories. But I was looking forward to pursuing those things at NWM.

I failed.

An accounting of topics and frustrations, and the lessons I'm trying to draw from them:

1) CHARACTER SURVEY

When I was signing up for NWM, the character I had in mind was basically a spy/criminal type, someone who was as much mundane as magical. There were a few directions I could have taken with this idea, and to an extent, I trusted the sorting system to smooth everything out. I listed myself as a 1st year mixed-heritage Artificer, because it seemed like the most obvious route for the story I wanted to tell--someone with some real-world experience coming back into magical 'civilian' life for the first time in a while.

I could have been all right as a first year, but it did bring some problems with it. First years generally seem to be written with the assumption that they're bright-eyed late teenagers/early adults with little real-world experience; I didn't realize that going in. Further, a first year's experience is somewhat constrained compared to their upper classmen. They have less connections, less reputation, less hooks to create before game; and in-game, they're shepherded somewhat, and are occupied with school procedural matters (mostly the sorting process) rather than personal storylines or magical projects. So while not a major problem by itself, I think being a first year did contribute to subsequent problems.

Artificery is a frustrating matter. I like the idea of magical objects and gear, I liked scribing things with runes, I liked the tension within the path between form and function, tradition versus technology. The basic problem is that when it comes to playing an Artificer, it's basically the path of arts and crafts, and I'm terrible at that part. So I could talk the talk of artificery and what the items and tools meant. But I struggled to actually build anything, which is a problem in a game where a lot of the core fun is about jamming out to your kind of magic.

If I were following my own inclinations, I would have played a Cursebreaker because that was the path most inclined toward my own interests (puzzles and runes). I wanted to play against type, but I needed IRL skills to apply to my path, not just character skills. If I were to do it again, my 'magical spy' concept would've been a Marshal. If I were to play Julian again, I would say that he shifted to Astromancy, with a focus on arithmancy--it fits well with his goals and what little development he had in the school.

2) THE CHARACTER

The sheet I got was for J. Shaughnessy, who as far as I know, was a new character created for this run. Unfortunately, there wasn't very much meat on the sheet given to me. There was a little fluff about how my parents met, then two main character traits: A love of mundane technology (which worked well with my interests), and a hatred of vampires due to his dead brother (which I was much more uneasy about).

I think the habit for most NWM players is to lean into the sapient rights and anti-elitism aspects of the setting; that was certainly what I was driven to do right away. So being assigned a character who had an irrational distaste for one group was... uncomfortable. But it wasn't specifically new ground for me; I played a vampire who hated vampires for a while, and had developed a decent, objective-sounding philisophic grounding for vampire-hate. Unfortunately, that grounding was based on a specific setting's idea of vampires as predators and junkies, which clashed somewhat with the more mellow assumptions of NWM. Further--and I had no way to know this going in--there was basically no vampire plot for me to engage with. An uncomfortable visit during Ethics class, a side plot I was too distraught to follow. If there were vampire PCs, I didn't know nor did I have a way to know. I feel like I should have explicitly dropped the vampire-hate, or just quietly ignored its presence on my sheet, to focus on other things.

During the game, I hissed and cursed about finding Shaughnessy boring. I've mellowed on that opinion. The original sheet was flavorless, but I do genuinely like the other things I planned to bring to the character--the anger, the revolutionary spirit, the Mundane-savviness, the bitterness and pain and lingering guilt of his brother's death. It was all dramatic goal. The more accurate sentiment I expressed is that I would have really enjoyed writing Shaughnessy as a character in a novel, where I would have the time and narrative separation to explore his issues. But playing him in the moment, I struggled to make any of the juice I'd created relevant to the game.

A thought: My last few major RP characters have been a bitter anti-vampire vampire, a medieval barber with low-class mannerisms, a sarcastic and opinionated journalist, a sweary octopus, and now a bitter revolutionary tech-bro. It might be time to play a more positive character, one with more charm and decorum. Yule might be a great opportunity for that.

3) IN GAME MYSTERIES

There is a tension between how I relate to the game and how the game is "supposed" to work, one that started in Event Horizon and hasn't gone away. Basically, when presented with an in-game mystery, I don't know how much I'm supposed to make up off the top of my head, and how much has a premade answer that I should get confirmed by staff or other players. This was particularly a problem when I heard things about cursed items or artifacts for players to poke at. At one point, I got an item from a gremlin--a metal bracer with an attached ring. What did this object do? I had no fucking idea, and I didn't know how much I was allowed to, or supposed to, make up about it. Beyond some IC speculation, I left the bracer alone. Mysterious artifacts were obviously meant to be plot hooks for Artificery students, but I never felt comfortable grabbing them. The situation may grow even worse with an item/curse/potion made by another PC, who might not want to see their hard work completely ignored out of ignorance. I have a similar unease about cursebreaking and potion-making. I really and truly need to sit down with someone to figure that part out, and recommend that workshops go over this.

4) IMPROVISATION

The above goes on to a more general problem I suffered from in the game. I don't know if it was the time zones, just a bad weekend, or a general personal trait, but I had a lot of trouble thinking on my feet for the weekend. For making up spells, this was somewhat justified IC--my character is kind of crap at using his wand, hence his preference for magical items and runeworking. I just struggled to think of interesting new things to do and interesting storylines to follow. Ideas occurred to me, but always just a little too late. "That would've made a great announcement on Friday." "The fae plots could have really engaged with the pain in Julian's past." "There was a ritual to visit the lands of the dead? That would've been perfect for me! Sucks that I wasn't there." I had lots of ideas for things to do, but never at the moment they were opportune--only when it was too late and the event was done. Which ties into...

5) STEPPING BACK, MISSING PLOT

This is the part of the game that made me feel the worst, because it most directly relates to things that I hate about myself. Like I said, I wanted to play a proactive character who got entangled in his own messes. I tried to stir some things up before game, but no one bit--no one engaged when I requested vampire plot, no one engaged when I suggested illegal money changing. So I walked into game hoping that I would be able to hitch onto whatever plot was interesting.

I never hitched. I kept stepping away. I kept making decisions with my gut, and my gut is a cowardly asshole that keeps saying, "walk away, this isn't your mess". To some extent, this was a result of unfortunate coincidence--the fae are one of the least interesting of supernatural creatures, in my view, so the fact that this run was so focused on the fae plotlines hurt my ability to engage. The way to deal with the fae is obvious--"avoid them"--and so I did, to the point where I felt uneasy and hunted when they tried to engage with me. My aversion to conflict spiked hard, and that led to a lot of avoidance of not just NPC, but other PCs I thought I would get into arguments with.

It was always easy to think, "I don't want to do that plot." There's always a reason to avoid something. "It's dangerous. There are bugs. It's boring. I don't really know or care about the background here." The few things I did want to engage with, I either had the bad luck to show up late, or they seemed to be happening at midnight in the woods, and I was unwilling to soak myself in bug spray and go running around outside. Topics related to Julian's vampire thing landed right on my plate, and I turned them down. This left me stuck inside, with no obvious hooks to grab me, having declined or missed the few that were around. As for stepping forward and making a new plot of my own? I can't even propose playing Civ with my friends. Saying "I'm going to initiate my own storyline right here in the middle of game with no idea if anyone else will care"? Far beyond the pale.

I felt like a coward. I felt incompetent. I felt like the only idiot who wasn't having fun. And the feeling only grew as others' plotlines grew more intense and hit their crescendos. By the end of Friday night, it felt like it was too late for me--that all of the major plots had their players, that anything I joined after classes Saturday would be finishing up. I wasted so much time on Friday and Saturday that I never got to do anything. Julian never had a story. He was just there. That made the aftermath of the game particularly hard for me, as I foresaw every other player yammering excitedly about their great plots, while I could only sit there and say, "That's nice"; I'm still going to have to deal with that in the upcoming weeks of Facebook conversations and Google Hangouts. It's not envy, I don't think. It's just a feeling that, "If all these people can do it, what the fuck is wrong with me?"

6) THE HOUSE THING

The few things I said yes to were also mistakes. Thursday night, I went to Lakay Laveau, because I thought it seemed interesting, the upperclassmen were cool, and because my IC best friend was very interested. I found the vibe uncomfortable. There was booze everywhere, there was unpleasant club music, there were upperclassmen with fake smiles trying to flatter and seduce me into their house. I walked out profoundly uncomfortable; Du Bois' common room was a helpful, relaxing departure.

Friday morning, I put in my ballot. My first choice was Du Bois, and I stand by that; that was the right choice, based on Thursday and on the character. For my second choice, I put Lakay Laveau, and that was not the right choice. Dan Obeah caught my interest before the game, but I thought the IC situation there was falling apart. Calasayla was uninteresting. Croatan was obviously undesirable. I hadn't realized that Dan Obeah would have an actual house culture that I preferred, and I hadn't realized that Lakay Laveau would have a culture of creepy cultish secrecy. My stomach started to sink during Ethics, when we talked to the house ghosts and Dan Obeah's ghost talked about things that got right to what Julian cared about. I rationalized it away ("the people in the house matter, not their ghost or the NPC ideals"); DuBois was a good fit anyway, and I thought I'd get my first choice. Then I was in Laveau, and I was getting initiated, and we were sharing horrific secrets (with no way to make them actionable IC), then we were chanting "the secrets of the house stay within the house", and I was saying yes to thing after thing that I was uncomfortable with (including something I never do, saying 'yes' when someone does the "just say yes" thing), and everything felt very, very bad.

Ultimately, I don't know how much my choice of house actually mattered. In the heat of emotion, it was easy to think, "I would've been hooked into more interesting plots if I was in Dan Obeah from the start, and I wouldn't feel so bad," but would I have been any less a coward? It's hard to say so. I still feel some guilt and awkwardness that Nancy, Alex, Brody, and Jean-Baptiste's player went through the trouble of helping me through the middle of Saturday and getting my house changed, when that was ultimately barely even relevant. I still feel like I threw a burden on them, and on the other people in the Laveau house meeting, that should've been mine to bear. If nothing else, if I had greeted the situation with more calm and courage, I could've turned it into an interesting plot. I was asked several times, "would you like to make this a storyline?" and I said "no". Instead, I just wasted more time.

7) LESSONS WALKING AWAY

I feel like I learned a lot about my preferences and desires after talking with Alex and Brody. I keep trying characters who drive plot and failing, feeling terrible. It may be time--at least for a while--to focus on characters who help support others' plots. I loved playing Hadrick because he helped keep the game on the same page and supported the remote players. He was reactive, which I thought of as a flaw. It may just be a role for me to lean into, though, at least until I feel more comfortable punching out. I'm not proactive in my own life. I thought I could be proactive in the safe space of the LARP; my failure in that regard stung. I may have been rushing too fast. Take it slow, build experience.

I failed to take advantage of a lot of the resources open to me. I had a few ideas for scene requests, but never put them through. I had a few ideas for announcements, but I never put them through. I had a few ideas for arguments or discussions to have with other players, but I never followed through. There were literally roving NPCs hooking people into events and stories, and I avoided them. I could have talked to the chancellor IC, or the counselors OOC, or the house presidents, or literally anyone, and I didn't. There were so many wasted opportunities, and that still stings and risks making me fall back into a pit or self-flagellation and shame. With a more supportive role, I at least could have felt like I contributed to others' fun, but I don't feel like I even did that. In the future, I hope I'm more willing to speak up. For now, I just feel like an idiot.

I still feel a tension about future roles. I seek novelty, and feel like I should be constantly trying new things, new characters, new situations. But I need to balance that against characters who do things that I find fun out of character. Being a cursebreaker might have felt too much like my usual MO, but I should've understood that it's okay to play to type sometimes. It may be worth considering more 'fighty' characters in the future. I'm averse to conflict in general, but there's a certain clarity in hitting something with a stick. I have an instinctive avoidance of combat characters from WoD LARPs, where being fighty is a mistake in a world of minmaxers and decade-old characters. But in a Nordic LARP? It's just another kind of roleplay.

8) CONCRETE ACTIONS FOR THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE

I should maybe talk to someone about potential anxiety issues, or at least just talk to a therapist in general. Self-diagnosed personal issues are hard. But finding a therapist is complicated. Blegh.

Yule: I have a firm idea in my head of a kind of character to play--one that should be adaptable to whatever character sheet they hand to me. Going against some in-game stereotypes by playing a Mundane-born Croatan fulfills my innovation urge while still letting me just be a nice guy. Healing also seems like one of the more supporty ways to RP in NWM. It should be a helpful palate cleanser.

Event Horizon 2: I'm really uneasy about this one now. The character I had in mind--the manager of a traveling band--was meant to be another shady proactive character, and that might be a terrible idea. More preplanning with interested parties should help, but I may also talk to the group about shifting away from a 'leader' role. I do not feel comfortable seeking out new deals and plans for the band. I am more comfortable right now with the idea of being the band's second-in-command, helping to keep the group in line and as sane as possible while supporting someone more willing to call the shots.

NWM 9+: I think I'll have to see how Yule goes before I make committments. At this moment, I'm tempted to try for two runs--one joining Kylene as Dan Obeah presidents, and one playing as a faculty member (which also seems like a very supportive role). The main problem I see with this plan is that there's no guarantee I'll get those coveted leadership spots. What do I do if I end up as another 'normal' character, as inherently unconnected as Julian? That's a nerve-wracking prospect. But I also have a lot of time to think about it, and new friends I can arrange things with before hand.

At some point, I'm tempted to try my hand at NPCing. It helps other players, it helps the game, it frees me from fussing about my own storyline stuff. The main problem is that NPCs, by their nature, tend to be inherently about confrontation. Sometimes quite intense confrontation. Could I stand to play Celestine's dad, or one of the Undertow fae seeking pacts, or a gremlin running around grabbing snipes? I genuinely don't know. I may need to see if I can seek out a 'test run' as an NPC somewhere, in a smaller, less intense game. Nordic LARPs generally seem to be "go big or go home", though. I should talk to Books and Peter about this.

I should also find an excuse to write more in LARPs. Should've volunteered to help with the school newspaper project. More writing! Moar!

And to add an optimistic final note: As rough as that 16 hours in the middle of game was, and the dread between game off and when I was able to settle into the post-game party, I feel like I came out of the game stronger for it. I got some issues out in the open. I learned about myself. I met a lot of people I genuinely like. And that's why there's a draw to keep going and keep playing, rather than just retreating into my apartment with my cat and never leaving again.

#new world magischola #larp #mopey horseshit #deflare's writing #deflare's personal stuff

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