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icequeenjules26 · 6 years

Text

A drop in the ocean

Summary: Dan had been ecstatic when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing wanted him in the next season, until he found out HE would be there.

Word Count: 12,3k

Tags: Musician!Dan, Actor!Phil, Fluff, Angst, Strictly Come Dancing AU

A/n: Written for the @phandomficfests, crossing off the prompts Dancing with the stars (Writer's choice), 2012, Pen Pals, dog, second chance, birthday, communication, Starbucks sofa, commitment, picnic and #spon! (What a list, lol) As always the biggest ever thank you goes out to my angel @succubusphan for doing everything she could so this would get done on Phannies' day!!!

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August 2018

@DanIsAGod3918: This is happening oh my god

@PhilLikesMen: finally i waited forever for this

@dannyboiiiiiii: still can’t believe they worked alongside each other without ever meeting? wtf

@bisexualDan: @dannyboiiiiiii ikr but i’m so here for it

@phanwillbeathing: FUCKINGFINALLY they’ll be together and in front of cameras this is a dream come true

Dan groaned as he scrolled through the comments on his latest instagram post. It was honestly unbelievable. How could he not have known? He couldn’t do this - he couldn’t deal with this. It had been 6 years and Dan was still hung up about it - how was that even possible?

He didn’t want to be here, honestly, not anymore.

He had been ecstatic at first, when his manager had informed him that strictly come dancing, UK’s very own dancing with the stars show wanted him in the next season. He was a musician, so he hadn’t even bothered to ask them - musicians at least had the rhythm it took to dance, putting them into an advantage - but they had apparently seen the making of to his newest music video.

Which wasn’t bad, not particularly, at least - it just showed him attempting to do an easy dance routine his choreographer had designed just for him but failing miserably. He first and foremost was a pianist, with mediocre guitar skills, but even the singing part was pushing it from time to time. Dancing? Like actually, physically moving his long limbs in an attempt to look at least somewhat graceful? The word alone let laughter bubble up his chest.

But he had tried, for the sake of his team, and if it’s that what got him into this show in the first place then he was glad he did.

Or maybe not so much, anymore.

Not since… Him.

He had been invited under a bit of false pretences, Dan decided - they could’ve told him they were planning to get him as well, could they not? - as he stared at the coffee table in front of him, or more specifically, his laptop, displaying an article from some sort of gossip page. Headline:

The meeting the UK has been waiting for: Howell and Lester both starring in strictly come dancing.

He groaned again, shutting his laptop with his foot and letting his phone drop from his hand to sling an arm over his eyes instead, sliding down his sofa until his back laid flat on it, his butt hanging from the ledge in an awkward angle, feet propped up on his coffee table. This couldn’t be happening.

He had been good, so, so good for so long, he had momentarily forgotten what he has even good about. But, as always, life will come and fuck him over when he least expected it. He should be used to it by now.

He had nearly done it. Nearly forgotten those piercing blue eyes. Nearly forgotten this soothing voice, the blinding smile.

He had almost gotten over how his stomach would swoop on the sole mention of the name, how his heart would skip a beat before picking up its pace.

This brought it all back - and not in a good way. He couldn’t do it, it wasn’t fair. It had been years and the multiple edits of them together floating through the infinite space of the internet still made him feel like his heart would get squeezed harshly inside of his chest. He had accepted it by now; he would probably never be over him. He didn’t have the right to be, either, but meeting him now… Like this… It still hurt.

A lot.

Like a rusty knife in his chest.

He had managed to avoid meeting him even while working on the same movie, for fuck’s sake. He had even skipped the premiere and every other event and interview he knew he’d be present at. Now they were being forced together by a bloody dancing show, one he was excited about, sure, but not excited enough for this.

Never for this.

The reaction of his fandom didn’t make it any easier. He had seen the theories and shipping all over tumblr and twitter, of course, but it had been sort of inevitable, with all the stuff they had in common and the fact they were both open about their bisexuality. Now, with the movie long over, he had thought it would subside as fast as it had risen.

It didn’t, though, and Dan had no other choice than to go through with this.

He groaned again. Sometimes, he hated life.

:::

April 2004

Dan was ecstatic when he first learned of a thing called “Pen Pals”. His Nana had explained it to him and he loved the idea of having someone, somewhere, that he had never met but could share things with nonetheless, loved the idea of writing letters back and forth, of being excited to get home from school to check the mailbox, to see if something would be in there.

He was only ten, but he knew enough about writing letters to do it properly, he thought. He’d also get the first checked over by his Nana, that was for sure, to make sure he wouldn’t embarrass himself on the first try. He was so excited to get started, but when he took the time to go through the suggestions the teletext had for him he was gutted. Not one of the kids there seemed genuinely interesting, not enough. Some lived so close it wouldn’t be any fun to write letters, and others were just too old.

Then he got to the last page and a large grin erupted on his face. “Phil Lester, 12, Rawtenstall. I like Sonic and crash bandicoot and i love pokemon! buffy is the best tv show ever created. I’d love to gain a friend from far away!!!” it said, and Dan knew he’d found them. The person he’d write to.

:::

September 2018

So far Dan had done an incredible job at avoiding Phil. His shooting with his tall, but quirky and optimistic dancing teacher and partner Cathy went well and fast enough for him to evade Phil. He was there during the group foto, obviously, but Dan had made a point of wanting to stay on the opposite end and surprisingly, no one had caught up on it or commented on it in any kind of way. After a week of simple dancing lessons they were now about ready to start practicing for their group dance. He was running out of options.

That was the reason he allowed himself a chill night before the first group practice. A funny netflix show was running on the TV, he had a hot cup of tea on the coffee table and Jennah had her head resting on his thigh - he was relishing in the feeling of it.

When his phone vibrated from somewhere next to him he grumbled along with his lady. Picking it up with his left hand he brought his right one down to lazily stroke her head. “It’s okay,” he mumbled when she opened her eyes to look up at him, only paying attention to the still offensively vibrating phone when she nuzzled closer and closed her eyes again.

“Howell,” he answered it grouchily, head sinking against the back of his sofa. “I hope this is important.”

Apparently, life hated him.

“Dan? It’s Louise.”

He suppressed the urge to growl lowly in his chest, almost certain about what was to follow. “Louise,” he huffed out instead, closing his eyes and bringing his right hand up to gently massage his glabella. There was exactly one person who knew of the whole debacle Dan had had with him, and he really didn’t need to hear another lecture about it from her.

He knew it had been his fault.

He also knew there was no way of undoing it, even if there was nothing he wanted more than to set things right.

Yet, she kept pushing.

“I just got home from vacation and checked instagram.”

Oh. That’s what this was about. She hadn’t heard it before.

“Louise-” he started, but got interrupted almost immediately. “No! Do not Louise me, Dan! This is getting ridiculous! Why can’t you just talk to him? If not to make it right, then at least for closure. What do you think will happen, the fucking apocalypse?!” He could tell she was aggravated, gruntled. She had always wanted him to do something, to not just sit around and let it weigh heavily on his heart, and this show obviously only made it worse.

He couldn’t hold in the growl this time. He was gritting his teeth trying to keep himself from saying something that he’d regret later, but even that was getting harder. Jennah immediately reacted to his distrust, opening her eyes and sitting up next to him before moving closer, nuzzling his shoulder. She knew how well he reacted to cuddles, and she was willing to provide them. He could only move to stroke her back in a silent thank you. “I can’t, Louise. I fucking can’t, okay?”

He could already hear her, taking a deep breath, setting up for a monologue, but he was having none of it. “No, Louise, no. I can’t hear it anymore. You think I don’t wish for what you want me to do, every day of every fucking week? You think I like this, doing nothing, suffering in silence? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the past six years. But as long as you haven’t miraculously invented a time machine on your vacation, there’s no way to undo this. Have you?”

His friend on the other end stayed silent, and he could feel the tears starting to pool into his eyes. “I thought so,” he closed, his voice breaking along the way. He managed to keep it together for as long as it took him to end the call, but then he broke down, sobbing violently. His body started shaking, he didn’t know what to do, how to make it better, so he did what he always did when he needed comfort: he threw his arms around Jennah and moved to press his face into her neck, hiding from the world.

:::

April 2007

It had been two years since Dan had send his first letter to Rawtenstall near Manchester.

Him and Phil had become fast friends and the amount of letters they were sending to each other had become ridiculous by now. Dan’s Dad had gotten mad at him for spending that much money on postal charges only a few months after the first letter and basically told him to stop being friends with Phil - or at least tone it down considerably - so they were now using his nana’s letter box so his dad wouldn’t catch him.

Even his nana had become agitated with it after a while, so they had a deal now. Dan did chores around the house or the garden, like doing the dishes or wiping the floor, and his nana would give him postal stamps as a payment. Other kids wanted to buy candy or save the money to spend it on games, but all he wanted was to write Phil. His nana could probably make him do anything if he’d get those postal stamps in return. To him, they were worth more than diamonds.

They had exchanged pictures of themselves and their homes, they shared their secrets with each other and knew everything there was to know about the other, and Dan reveled in it. The had even exchanged phone numbers, but they had to pay calls in minutes, so they usually didn’t call each other except for special occasions.

Today, apparently, was such a “special occasion”.

When Dan got out of school he didn’t even bother to go home. Instead, he walked directly to his nana, who lived right next to him. That was a normal occurrence by now - he spent most of his time here. His parents were barely home anyways and his nana was watching his little brother after school, so it didn’t even attract his parent’s attention,

Luckily. His dad would probably not like it. Especially not the reason behind it.

Because, obviously, Dan didn’t spend all his time at his nana’s just because he loved her so much. He did, but he was still an introvert; he loved having time for himself and not having to talk to other human beings - he did this for Phil.

Ridiculously much he did seemed to be for Phil nowadays.

He was waiting for a new letter that should probably arrive today or tomorrow. It usually took four or five days, sometimes six, from sending a letter to receiving one, and he had send one last wednesday. It was monday now.

When he opened his nana’s door with his key she was already sat in the kitchen, obviously waiting for him. After greeting her he sat down his bag on a kitchen chair before taking a seat himself, snatching an apple from the fruit bowl sat in the middle of the table. “Everything okay, nana?” he asked after taking the first bite. It wasn’t usual she was waiting for him like this, she was usually up and about around the house or reading in the living room when he got home from school.

A smirk slowly creeped onto her face as she obviously observed him closely. “A very agitated young man called around an hour ago. Said he wanted to talk to you,” she stated and he perked up immediately, eyes flying up to her face. “Phil?” he asked, almost breathlessly, and felt the heat rising through his neck all the way up to his cheeks. He cleared his throat. “I mean - Was it Phil?” He forced his voice to be calm this time, but the grin on his nana’s face had already widened and he knew she had picked up on his behaviour immediately. “It was. I told him you’d be back around now, he should be calling again in a few minutes.” She paused, raising an eyebrow mockingly. “Anything you’d like to tell me, son?”

He could feel his cheeks heating up even more and almost desperately avoided her eyes.

He was about to start saying something, anything, when a shrill ringing interrupted him. “I’ll go,” he practically squeaked out and jumped up to run to the hallway to get the phone.

“Phil?”, he answered it breathlessly and was rewarded with a laugh. “Dan! Take a guess who can now phone people as much as he wants without having to pay more?” greeted him an excited voice on the other line and a wide grin stretched his face in seconds. “Hm, I don’t know. Sarah Michelle Gellar?” Again there was laughter on the other side and Dan wished he’d have a way to look at the other boy’s face when he laughed. “It’s me!” was the answer and Dan could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest.

He looked around the hallway, realizing there was nothing to sit down on while talking on the phone. Maybe they should put a chair in there somewhere. He could see himself needing it a lot in the future.

:::::

September 2018

Dan’s day was not going great so far. He was exhausted, probably dehydrated and he hadn’t eaten in a few hours, but still did not have the time to catch a break. He hadn’t gotten any proper work done for months now - since he had written the music for the movie, actually - and his manager was getting nervous. Not that he could blame her, he’d promised her a line-up for his new album back in July - but that had been before Strictly come dancing had poked its head at him. He couldn’t have let this opportunity go, so he’d had to promise her he’d work while practicing for the show.

It wasn’t working. The whole idea had been rubbish to begin with, to be honest; he’d known the show needed his whole attention and utter commitment. Stef was just ridiculously persuasive, that was the problem here.

Still… He couldn't do it. He just couldn’t. He’d just have to talk to Stef, he decided when he let his pen drop and looked up for the first time for hours from his place on the ground in his music room, musical sheets and random pieces of lyrics scattered around him. His head was completely blank, not one idea breaking through properly.

He wasn’t used to this. Normally he sat a pen to paper and had an almost finished song mere hours later, but now all that came out of his head was crap.

Or a name, he realized when he got up, looking around him to get a general view of what he’d written. His name was smudged across random pages, written in large, black letters that instantly managed to catch his attention. His breath hitched. How had he not noticed he’d been doing that?

His heart hammered in his chest and tears were starting to pool in his eyes as he looked over the papers scattered across the floor. Without thinking he pulled out his phone, taking a picture and sending it to Louise. He would probably regret that later, but he didn’t even realize what he was doing in his horrified state.

He left his music room in a hurry, closing the door behind him in panic as if he could contain the ghost of his past relationship in there, trapping it inside. How was this still getting him? How was he still basically unable to function with the thought of it, after more than six years? Why was he still unable to let go?

Somewhere at the bottom of his heart he knew why. He knew why he couldn’t breathe at the prospect of being in the same room with him for hours - he knew what it meant that his heart was hammering in his chest every time he set foot into the studio they were practicing the group dance in.

He knew it. Had known it the whole time.

He was still in love with him. Six years later and the feelings he had been fighting against the whole time were still there, strong as ever.

He knew it, but - it didn’t change anything. Not really.

Not when he couldn’t even think his name without breaking down into tears.

Phil.

:::

April 2008

It had been four years since Dan had written his first letter to Phil. He was fourteen now, and he spent most of his time on the internet.

Actually, he spent the most time talking to Phil.

Through the internet.

He was lucky his family had still not caught up on it. He was pretty sure his nana was aware he had not just miraculously stopped talking to Phil, even though the hour long conversations in her hallway had lessened immensely; but the rest of them - especially his dad - were still in the dark about it.

And that was honestly the only thing that was important.

Today was a slow day so far. It was wednesday, which to him, was amazing, because it was a day he had only a few hours of school while his parents usually stayed out far longer than usual. Why, he had no idea; he just assumed it was the busiest day of their week.

He had gotten home around an hour ago, had made himself some lunch and settled down in front of his TV to watch some mind-numbing midday show to calm himself down after school.

Normally, he would already be talking to Phil, who usually had a slow wednesday as well, but for some reason he wasn’t picking up, neither on his skype nor on his cellphone. He wasn’t that worried yet, but he still thought it was odd. It happened from time to time that Phil wouldn’t be there that early on wednesdays, for example when his mum caught him before he could get into his room, forcing him to do stuff for her. Normally he’d at least let him know via text, so Dan was getting a little agitated by now.

When Phil still hadn’t texted him or picked up his phone three hours after their usual skyping-time he grew increasingly worried. He seriously considered calling Phil’s landline but was a bit scared to only reach Phil’s mum - the woman didn’t seem to like him much, not that he could blame her.

At the exact moment he was about to call, his laptop started making noises from its place next to him on his bed, indicating an incoming skype call. He accepted the call before even picking it up.

“Phil!” he called when the video finally loaded, revealing an obviously excited Phil, eyes sparkling and hair pushed up into a messy quiff in contrast to his usual, neatly arranged fringe. “Dan!” He grinned broadly, bouncing up and down, making the video jump along with him in the process. “You won’t believe what happened!”

Dan was unable to hide the fond smile sneaking its way onto his face. “Robert Downey Jr. joined a cult and you get to replace him in Iron Man 2?”

He almost choked on his own spit when Phil pouted in response. He could feel warmth wandering up his neck, settling in his cheeks and knew he was probably about as red as a lobster. How could someone be so goddamn cute and handsome at the same time?

“Sadly, no,” Phil answered before a new grin lit up his face as he clapped his hands excitedly. “But! I did just get a role!” he exclaimed, with a smile so wide Dan was surprised it didn’t split his face in half.

“What?” he asked, almost dumbfounded, staring at his best friend as if he’d just told him the sky was green. “Are you serious?”

“Yes! I just got home from casting, that’s why I couldn’t call earlier. I scored a role in the sixth series of Shameless!” Phil answered, excitedly bouncing up and down again, and Dan was left to do nothing but stare. The news hardly even reached his brain with the way Phil looked, excited and glowing and all focused on his screen. Focused on Dan. He secretly pressed the Print Screen key on his laptop, conserving this picture to look at it again and again and again.

That’s when Phil’s words properly registered in his brain. “Are you serious?”, he croaked, voice raw with the emotions coursing through him. When Phil nodded he started bouncing up and down as well, completely unconsciously, beaming so brightly in the process, the muscles in his cheeks started burning almost immediately.

“Yes! I get to act! And I’ll earn my own money!” he exclaimed, obviously still not completely able to believe it himself. Dan let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, eyes wide as he stared into the blue eyes of his best friend - the best friend who made his heart flutter and his breathing hitch. That was normal, right? That’s what best friends were supposed to do to you?

Deep inside, he knew they were not, but he enjoyed living in denial for just a few days longer.

“I’m so happy for you, Phil!” he replied, happiness seeping through him from his head all the way down to his toes. “What will you do with the money?” His voice was high pitched and giddy and his best friend chuckled in response.

“Well, there’s someone I know that’s in desperate need of train tickets for his birthday…”

Dan’s eyes sparkled so bright for the rest of the day, even his mum caught up on it hours later.

:::

September 2018

As the date for the launch show drew incredibly near so did the point where he’d finally have to talk to Phil. The amount of requests for interviews with them both together were growing ridiculous and the bbc hyped it up as much as possible. He was a professional, and he got the general idea of why the bbc reacted the way they did, but that didn’t mean he liked it.

Not really. Not at all.

Still, when the launch show was rolling he managed to not exchange a single word with Phil. Whenever there were cameras he was at least 20 meters away from Phil so they couldn’t force them both in frame with the little time they had backstage.

He got on stage sometimes in the middle of the show and was interviewed. It was mostly just general questions about his life at the moment, how his new album was coming along and if there was anything planned, but he truthfully answered that right now, he was entirely committed to this show. It meant a lot to him already. He was excited to learn even more about music and to dance, and when he announced that any money he’d make during it would be donated to Young Minds the audience basically flipped. He was amazed at the reaction it caused; he hadn’t expected it.

The questions got a bit more personal afterwards. They packed it nicely, sure, asking about any Ladies or Gentlemen in his life that could be offended with his dedication to the show, but it was still basically the question of if he was in a relationship or not.

So he decided to have a bit of fun with that.

“Well, there’s always Stef, my manager. Oh, and my queen, of course, she’s really not amused I’m spending so much time away from home,” he answered with a chuckle, all teasingly and with a suggestive wink, hinting at something that wasn’t there. He predicted that it would grant him protection from the bbc’s shipping attempts at least for the first few shows; it was also their own fault.

They didn’t know “my queen” ment a five year old Shakita Inu lady named Jennah after the queen in his favorite video game. Most of his fans would obviously know or at least assume that - she was all over his Instagram after all - but even that could take a while.

He looked around when he said it, gauging the reaction it caused in the audience. He had expected everything, really, from joy to devastation from his fans, some of who were clearly sat in the audience right now; but what he did not expect… Was Phil.

He caught sight of his face only briefly, but he could not believe what he found there.

Phil’s face was scrunched up, hurt written all over it, and when their eyes met for just a single blink, the blue was dull and washed down, more grey than colourful. He could have sworn there were tears glistening in the corner of them, threatening to fall any moment.

But that had to be some kind of coincidence.

It had to.

There was no other option.

After the interview he somehow successfully weaseled himself out of without giving away too much information, he performed his latest single, written for the movie Phil had played the leading role in. He could feel Phil’s eyes on him the whole time he played, the look burning on his skin like melted caramel, sweet and hurtful at the same time. His fingers prickled with the knowledge that those eyes were finally looking at him again, playing a song that was obviously based on their relationship.

Not that any song that Dan had written had not been somehow based on that.

For a brief moment, Dan wondered if Phil had realized, if he still cared. Cared that his career was basically solely based on the things Phil had told him when they were younger. Did he even realize how big his impact on Dan’s life had been? Or did he still believe the things Dan had told him six years ago to push him away?

He didn’t know. He only knew that it hurt.

A lot.

When the last, sorrowful notes of the song thrummed through his fingers and his throat as he pressed the keys and sang the words, his mind provided him with the fact that their anniversary was only a few weeks away and he couldn’t stop a single tear from making its way down his cheek. His heart was throbbing forcefully in his chest and his breathing hitched the exact moment the last note had rung out. He just hoped no camera had caught that.

Knowing his luck, they’d have it on closeup.

::::

October 2009

Dan didn’t know why, but this time things seemed to be different when he arrived at Manchester Train station. Phil seemed agitated, almost nervous when he greeted him, fiddling with his jacket and adjusting his fringe whenever his hands weren’t otherwise occupied. Dan wasn’t sure what to make of that, but decided to let it slide without much comment. He was sure whatever it was Phil would tell him as soon as he was ready. They knew each other for longer than 5 years at this point, Phil knew he could talk to him about everything.

Instead of taking the bus back to Rawtenstall Phil lead him on a journey through Manchester. They visited sights Dan had never payed attention to and afterwards they went to get a coffee at Starbucks, sitting together closely in the booth they always occupied when they were there; so closely their whole sides were touching. Dan’s right hand laid on the table as they talked, occasionally sipping on their caramel lattes, and he itched to take Phil’s left one into his, placed just a few centimeters apart. Did Phil realize he had his palm up, basically inviting Dan to take it, or was it just coincidence?

They continued their journey when they were both done with their coffees, talking and laughing as usual, yet, something seemed different. When they walked, their hands would brush together, and Dan could have sworn Phil’s fingertips were outstretched towards the back of his hand.

He knew it was probably nothing more than wishful thinking, but a guy could dream, right?

Phil still was straight up on edge when they arrived at their destination, which Dan quickly identified as the Manchester eye. Why they were there, he had no idea, but he liked it. He had been living close to London his whole life, yet never had had come around to take a ride on the London Eye.

“Did you do it on purpose?” he asked gently when they got into the cabin, both sat on the same bench, pressed up together. “Do you remember?” The view got better and better the higher they went, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Phil, whose blue eyes shone brightly in the light of the setting sun.

“Of course I remember,” Phil answered softly, eyes completely trained on Dan, “You always wanted to visit the London Eye, so I figured this is the next best thing.”

Dan couldn’t keep the eye contact any longer, so he turned his head, looking out the other side. He could feel tears rising, that’s how overwhelmed he was with the whole gesture, but he blinked them away. “This is better,” he murmured, voice barely above a whisper.

Then there was a hand on his cheek, gently taking a hold of his chin, turning him around until his sight was back on Phil. All the previous tension and nervousness seemed to have left his body. His movements now were confident and certain, determination shining in his eyes as they gazed into Dan’s. “Everything's better with you,” Phil whispered and Dan breathing hitched, his whole body shuddering with anticipation.

When they finally kissed Dan realized it had been inevitable from the start. Phil’s lips felt warm, velvety, right against his own and it was like the world finally set into place. Like everything had been unsure and wavering all his life, turning and spinning around him, leaving Dan unable to ever find his footing, but now it had clicked into place and everything stood still for the first time in his life.

After the kiss ended Phil didn’t let go of Dan. Instead he sat his hand on his cheek and pressed their foreheads together, his bright, blue eyes gazing into Dan’s as if he was the only one that would ever matter. “I like you, Dan,” he whispered, voice almost inaudible. “I really, really like you.”

Dan’s heart stopped for a few seconds, his breath caught in his throat and he felt like the world around them had come to a crashing halt, like time had stopped for everyone but them. Was this really happening? Or was it just one of the dreams that would keep him on edge for hours afterwards, knowing it would never come true?

He had hoped, wished for this for so long; had prayed to a god he didn’t even believe in - yet Phil had never made the first move. They had felt like a real possibility from the first time they met over a year ago on Dan’s 15th birthday, when Phil had stumbled over his words when they had hugged and his cheeks had burned crimson red. Dan would never forget that day; the day he had realized that he wanted them to end up together against all odds.

Then his neck started burning from the way it was bend and he realized - this was real.

It was raw, it wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and Dan could feel tears rising into his eyes. “I really, really like you too, Phil,” he answered and then Phil leaned in to kiss him again, a sob of relief breaking from his throat.

And for that one, single moment Dan felt like they could defeat everything that would ever stand in their way.

:::::

October 2018

Their anniversary had always been particularly hard on Dan. Normally he’d spent the day curled up on his couch with Jennah, eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate and drinking too much alcohol, Louise on the phone or somewhere in his flat, keeping him from doing things he would regret later on - like calling his dad; he’d done that one year, hadn’t ended well. Not really.

This year, Dan wouldn’t be able to do that. This year, he’d even have to meet Phil at some point of the day for rehearsal, probably for longer than he’d be able to endure.

Because that’s what he was doing, Dan realized as he checked into his hotel room, enduring Phil’s presence. It was still torture to even be in the same room as him, let alone talk to him. What would happen when Phil finally got tired of ignoring him; when his selferestrain would finally break and he’d unload six years of pent up aggression towards him?

Dan would crack at the first word, turn around and run, public appearance be damned.

He was just hoping it wouldn’t happen during a live broadcast.

This week Dan had decided to screw the hotel’s room policy and bring Jennah with him. He needed her today, more than ever, he wouldn’t survive the day without her - especially not the night, when he’d have gotten back from rehearsal - after seeing Phil. Fortunately, he didn’t even get one single negative comment when he lead the lady dog into the hotel, suitcase in tow. The pretty, courteous dog got nothing but positive comments from the staff, especially when they realized how well-trained she was, following his commands immediately even when he accidentally dropped her leash. She was wary towards strangers, still hadn’t even completely accepted Louise as his friend, but she trusted him with a burning passion that overshadowed everything else.

They finally made it up to their room and Dan didn’t feel energized enough to do anything else but flop down on the bed. Jennah, who knew she was not allowed to climb onto the bed without an explicit invitation, whined softly at him, and he didn’t have it in him to deny her request. She was incredibly sensitive of his emotions and sensed that he needed comfort, but was unable to provide it due to the distance Dan had put between them.

He softly patted the space next to him and she jumped up immediately, laying down cuddled into his side, head gently resting on his shoulder. He drapped his arm around her, stroking her soft fur. She continued to make quiet whimper like noises, but they were less needy now, more content.

The tears started rising without his consent. He didn’t even know what caused them, he just knew that suddenly, they were there, threatening to fall; and then there was a sob escaping his throat, the dam broke and the tears started flowing freely. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

A few more hours and it had been nine years on the dot. Exactly nine years since Phil had made the first step, kissing him on the Manchester eye.

Dan wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, like he had been able to until this faithful day six years ago, to kiss him and hug him and love him - but he couldn’t, and it was ripping him apart from the inside out.

It wasn’t fair. He was aware he hadn’t always been the best person, was aware he’d made mistakes, but didn’t everyone? What was it that entitled him specifically for this sorrow, this heartbreak; a pain you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemies?

When it was time to head over to the studio for the final rehearsal he was barely able to let go of Jennah. He knew he couldn’t bring her with him, but that didn’t make it any easier to leave her soft fur and gentle comfort behind.

He managed to though, eventually, tears dried and the puffiness of his eyes immensely decreased after crying for what felt like hours.

Maybe it had been hours. Or maybe he’d stopped crying halfway through and had just laid there, cuddling Jennah and staring off into space, into nothingness, into a time where he and Phil had been together and so happy Dan had thought he might just burst any second.

Before his world had been ripped into shreds.

Arriving at the studio he discovered that life definitely hated him. He and Phil had never really met on camera and he’d managed to avoid him during the aftershow and even the daily talk show, but now he saw this week’s order of dancHe didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he couldn’t trust himself much longer.ers and he wanted to barf or cry or die on the spot.

It was just his luck that put him on seventh spot with Phil in eighth - the exact time they had kissed, half past seven - which meant that despite his best efforts he would definitely meet Phil today.

Out of all the shows, why did it have to be today? Wasn’t it enough he was already laying on the ground, broken beyond repair? No, life had to send someone after him to squash him, again and again and again until he would be unable to ever get up again.

While waiting for their turn Cathy, his dance partner, managed to keep his mind off of things. They talked and laughed and when she asked him about how his queen was doing he gladly took out his phone, showing her a few of the array of pictures he had taken on their walk last night. Her eyes started sparkling immediately. “She’s so beautiful. And she’s completely fixed on you, Dan, like you’re her everything, it’s so cute,” she gushed and Dan blushed.

Something crashed then and he looked up, only barely catching sight of a distraught looking Phil scurrying away in a hurry.

Surprisingly, his rehearsal went okay. He was a bit more nervous and jumpier than usual, but he was a professional, so he was able to act it off quite successfully.

When he was done with it, though, and turned to get backstage, that’s when it all went to hell.

Cathy had gone on ahead without him, claiming to desperately need water, so there was no one else around when he met Phil on the way. He was trying to get past him as fast as possible, but due to the passage backstage being so small there he had to brush Phil - that’s when he felt long, slender fingers reaching for him, closing around his wrist. For a moment, their eyes met and the blue was so vengeful, so cold Dan was left standing in a snowstorm.

He stopped dead in his track, eyes wide open, staring ahead, trying to not look at Phil, to not give him any more openings.

Because this was it, Dan thought; this was the moment his carefully mended heart would get smashed into pieces all over again.

Phil moved his face next to Dan, so close he could feel Phil’s breath on his skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. “I hope she’s good enough for you,” he hissed into Dan’s ear, voice so cold it froze the remaining pieces of Dan’s heart. They clinked a melody as they burst, a melody sounding dangerously like the song Dan had written for the movie, the song Dan had written solely for the purpose of reaching Phil.

He didn’t even know how he got away. Maybe he hadn’t, maybe Phil had just moved past him and let him stand there, desperately clinging to the remaining shards of his heart. They seared him as he tried to hold on to them, but he didn’t even feel it anymore. The pain was gone, all that was left was a numbness that could’ve, should’ve scared him.

The next thing he knew he was sitting on a sofa in one of the resting rooms backstage, a bottle of water in his hands. He could hear people walking by in the hallway, but he was completely alone, which he was more than glad for. Streaks of tears were running down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly, and all he wanted to do was to get to Jennah, to press his face into her soft fur and accepting the knowledge that yes, he would never be okay again, but it didn’t matter as long is this amazing creature loved him.

The opening of a door tore him out of his thoughts and he stood up reflexively. He had hoped that maybe, it was Cathy checking in on him or one of the crew members informing him that he could go back to the hotel now, but no.

No. It was Phil.

Of course it was.

He looked horrible. His form was hunched over, as if he barely had the strength to hold himself up anymore and his eyes were red and swollen with tears running down his cheeks.

Dan took an unconscious step forwards, moving to comfort Phil, until he realized that he had lost all privilege to do so years ago.

How was he still not used to that, he wondered briefly when Phil finally raised his head and their eyes met.

“You know,” he started, voice hoarse and barely above a whisper, “I want to forgive you. I want to forgive you so that -” His voice broke and he took a deep breath - or maybe it was a sob. Dan couldn’t be sure. “So that I can stop.” He got louder, more confident and Dan wanted to say something, anything, but he was frozen, unable to move or even breathe.

“Stop thinking of what you did to me… Stop thinking of you,” he continued and fresh tears sprang into Dan’s eyes, a pain in his chest, so soaring he was sure it would consume him any moment.

“Forgive you, so that I never have to think of you ever again… Because I refuse to.” Phil’s voice broke again as a sob rattled him, new tears spilling from his eyes and he looked so broken Dan’s heart was pierced by a million spears all at once.

Just for a second it was quiet, complete silence engulfing them aside from the distinct chatter coming from somewhere down the hallway. Not that Dan even registered it as they continued to stare into each others eyes, a pain soaring through his body like howling flames, burning their way through his veins, leaving behind nothing but destruction.

“But I can’t.” Phil sobbed again and finally looked away, down to the ground before he lifted his gaze again, staring dead into Dan’s eyes. “I want to, so, so desperately, but I can’t.”

He didn’t even wait for Dan to react, not for the hurried “Phil, wait!” Dan finally managed to throw after him, only released from the spell that had kept him rooted to the spot when they broke eye contact, nor for the sob that fought its way up his throat. He just turned around and left Dan to break down on his own.

:::

June 2012

Dan’s nineteenth birthday was the most beautiful one he’d ever had.

Firstly, he was in a generally good place in life. He had finally started pursuing music as a real career option after Phil had practically begged him to for years and had gotten his first contract a few weeks ago. His parents were surprisingly okay with it - or at least his mum was - and his nana was the most encouraging he’d ever seen her.

Secondly, Phil was the most amazing boyfriend he ever could’ve asked for. He was supporting Dan’s every decision, he was thoughtful and attentive and, quite frankly, hot as fuck. He always took Dan’s opinions into account when he made decisions and was considerate of whatever problems Dan had - which were, mostly, about the fact that Dan’s parents still didn’t know of either the fact that he was still in contact with Phil, nor about Dan’s sexuality - let alone his relationship to Phil. It didn’t make things easy, but now that Phil earned a lot of money he sponsored Dan a train ticket every other weekend - at least when he wasn’t away for whatever acting role he was doing at the time. It was a system that worked for them, and Dan didn’t care about anything else.

And thirdly, his amazing boyfriend had managed to get some time off from filming so they could spend a few precious days together over his birthday.

Spending time together got increasingly difficult with Phil’s rising popularity, but they spent a week all alone in the cottage that Phil’s parents owned, a cottage on top of a cliff on the isle of man. They went on a picnic on the beach almost every day, and it was during one of those on monday, his actual birthday, when Phil gifted him with a key to his new flat in London and a speech soaked with the love he felt for him.

Dan had never felt more like flying than he did in this moment.

Unfortunately, that only made his fall even harder.

When he got home on thursday the atmosphere at home seemed weird from the very first moment he stepped through the door. He was well rested and had been in a bliss-like state the whole week, but now he got anxious when he climbed the stairs to his bedroom, suitcase in tow.

His suspicions got verified when he pushed the doors to his bedroom open and revealed his little brother, hunched over on the edge of his bed, clutching a pillow to his belly and sobbing loudly.

Dan closed the door behind him and hurdled over to his little brother. “Adrian!” he murmured apprehensively, moving to sling an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “My god, what’s wrong?”

“I-i’m s-so sorry, D-Dan,” he squeezed out in between sobs. Dan tried to comfort him, gently murmuring encouraging nonsense, until Adrian had calmed down a bit, at least enough to form semi-coherent sentences. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I was just looking at the pictures and dad came in and-”

Dan’s blood froze in his veins, his heart stopped and the hand on his brother’s arm clenched involuntarily. “What did he see,” he clenched out between gritted teeth, missing the questioning tone but Adrian answered him anyway. “One of the picture of you and Phil kissing. I’m so sorry.”

Dan didn’t even hear him anymore. He felt like the world had been pulled out from under his feet and he was falling, tumbling down an endless cliff he had no idea how to get out of.

His dad choose this exact moment to storm into the room, looking about ready to murder his innocent child. “We need to talk, Dan,” he said in a monotone voice, but his eyes were so aggressive Dan wanted nothing else but to curl up into a ball and hide. It’s fine, he wanted to make himself believe, you can just go and live with Phil if he throws you out.

But it went worse than he had feared.

It turned out his father didn’t want him out of the house, now that he was on his way to success in the music industry, and he had his way of forcing him to stay. Instead of screaming at him, threatening him to throw him out, he blackmailed Dan.

He still screamed, a lot, about what a disgrace he was and why, out of all the males in this country, it had to be this one. Dan strongly assumed it wouldn’t have made any difference if it would’ve been Prince Harry or whatever other male member of the royal family, but he kept his mouth shut.

He briefly toyed with the idea to jump in to defend Phil, to tell his father that he was a successful actor and an amazing person, but he didn’t give him the chance to say anything.

“I want him out of your life. You are going to cut every and all ties to that filth and will not contact him again in any kind of way. That clear?” His father’s voice had gone from screaming to hissing and the volume had gone down considerably, but his eyes stayed the same, fixing Dan in a gaze harder than steel. He took a deep breath. That was it. That was him standing up to his father for the first time in his life.

“Why?” he asked, eyes set dead on him, “Why would I do that? I love him, Dad. I’ll stay with him, no matter what you say. I don’t care what you’ll do to me.” He was proud his voice didn’t break or falter in the slightest, and for a moment he thought that he’d done it, that he’d won.

Then a smirk creeped onto his father’s face and he knew something was about to go terribly wrong.

“You might not care about yourself”, his father said, voice cheerful like he knew he was about to ruin Dan’s life, and he liked it. “But don’t you care about your boyfriend?” Dan hadn’t been aware that the term boyfriend could sound like a slur, but suddenly it did. “I have acquired some pictures the public might find incredibly interesting…”

Dan hadn’t noticed it before, but his father had Dan’s old laptop open on the table in front of him; the very laptop he had given his little brother because he had gotten himself a new one from his first self-earned money.

Dan already knew what he would see there when his father turned it around. He had transferred, but forgotten to delete all the pictures he had saved on there, including a variety of ones of Phil and him, cuddling, kissing - happy. Maybe he hadn’t even particularly cared to delete them, considering Adrian was aware of Dan’s relationship, had been for a long time. He had been happy for him and the warmth Dan had always felt at the prospect had frozen to solid ice now.

Tears started prickling in his eyes and it took all his willpower to suppress the sob that was threatening to rip from his throat. He knew what his father was suggesting. He was obviously waiting for Dan to make a choice - but they both knew there was no choice to make.

The crushing realization that he would give into his father’s blackmail made his heart shatter into a million pieces, but there was nothing he could do about it. The public had become much more open about those topics, but they both knew a sexuality scandal would be enough to destroy Phil’s entire career.

They also both knew Dan couldn’t do that to Phil - not even risk it. His father had his resources, and when he wanted to know of every interaction between Dan and Phil, then he would.

So Dan had to end it. For good.

He was given the chance of one last skype call to break up with Phil. He knew he wasn’t the best actor and that Phil would be able to tell he’d been crying and how incredibly crushed he was, so he had to make sure that Phil wouldn’t realize, make him preoccupied with himself.

He had to play into Phil’s insecurities. He hated himself for it, but it needed to be done; even if it tore him apart in the process.

Phil greeted him in his usual, cheerful voice when the call connected and Dan could already feel the tears starting to rise, a sob threatening to escape his throat. There was a weight on his chest, so heavy he didn’t know how he was able to stay in an upright position. He carefully plastered an indifferent mask onto his face while his mind went back in time to keep the tears at bay; back to his birthday, back when he’d been so happy he hadn’t even known what to do with all the happiness.

He cut right to the case, unable to put off the evil any longer.

“Phil.. I can’t do this any longer. I have tried, but… I can’t. You’re just…” His throat constricted and he almost had to gag. He had never said words more untrue in his entire life. “You’re not good enough for me.”

He couldn’t look Phil in the eyes as he said it. He didn’t want to see the pain, the sorrow; didn’t want to hear the sobs and the pleeds. He wanted away. Far, far away; to a place where he and Phil could be happy… Could be together.

He felt like a monster.

Would feel like one for a long time.

“But I love you!” Phil pleaded. Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. His palms were probably ripped open with the force he pressed his nails into them, trying to keep himself from breaking.

He didn’t have it in him to say much more, his heart was itching to tell the truth and he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his facade much longer. He couldn’t help but let a tiny, incredibly quiet “I’m sorry, I love you” slip out, but it was drowned out by Phil’s cries.

Louder, he said “We’re done. Don’t contact me ever again,” ended the call and forced himself to block Phil on any and all social media.

Only then did he allow himself to break down.

He knocked the glass from his bedside table as he started wailing, crumbling apart; and he watched it fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces…

Just like his heart.

::::

October 2018

Dan didn’t know how he made it back to his hotel room. He only knew Jennah was already waiting for him by the door as he stumbled inside, whining when she saw his state. She was by his side immediately, whimpering as she pressed her head to his thigh.

He didn’t even make it to the bed. Instead, he sunk to the ground right there, back pressed against the door. Jennah didn’t waste any time to cuddle into his side nuzzling his shoulder. He raised his hand to stroke her ears and she rewarded him with a soft whimper, nearly drowning the sound of his sobs.

He couldn't do this any longer. He had endured the pain for six years but now It felt like he had reached his breaking point. he couldn't do it one single second longer. He was at his breaking point.

He skurried a bit to fumble out the phone hidden in the front pocket of his black skinny jeans. Jennah continued to provide comfort, and he appreciated it more than anything else, but he needed more. He needed his best friend.

He had to discover that the reception in the hotel was more than bad, though, so he had no other choice but to drag himself across the room to the balcony. He slumped down again when he was outside, sliding down with his back pressed against the glass. It was the middle of October and only around six pm, but it was almost completely dark outside already. He could see the stars from where he sat and briefly wished he would be up there, somewhere far, far away, where the way his heart had been crushed meant nothing anymore.

He was aware there was no such place, no matter how far away. But for a moment, he let himself dream.

Until Jennah’s wet snout nuzzled into his hands.

She was back at his side again, a chocolate bar held carefully in her snout, and he wanted to cry again, out of love for this wonderful creature. “Thank you. I love you so much,” he whispered and ruffled the fur between her ears affectionately, taking the chocolate and ripping the wrapping open to take a bite. It was a bit inconvenient with one hand, considering he still held his phone in the other, but -

Wait. Phone, balcony…

Right. Louise.

He dialed her number as he swallowed the first bite of chocolate.

She picked up on the first ring. “Dan. How are you doing?” she asked, gently and caring, and suddenly there was warmth spreading through his chest. “I’m okay,” he tried, but his voice was croaky and hollow and he didn’t even believe himself.

“Oh, honey. What happened?” Of course she wasn’t fooled. He shouldn’t even have tried.

“I.. He… He talked to me.” He cuddled into Jennah for the extra comfort as he talked, who sat pressed into his side, a bastion of calm in the middle of the storm that was his pain.

That’s how he told Louise everything that had happened. How they had passed each other in the entry to the stage. How Phil had come back to talk to him, what he had said, how broken he had looked. He started crying somewhere halfway through the story and there was some kind of rustling on the balcony beside his, indicating there was someone there, but he didn’t care.

“Oh, Dan,” she whispered when he was done, and he could almost feel her embrace. He was so accustomed to her present, especially on this particular day, and it was strange to not have her there with him. He sobbed again. “It’s just,” he croaked, new tears spilling from his eyes, “In the end he’s right. It’s my fault. What happened is my fault and I just -” He halted, unsure of how to continue. “How could I do this to him?”

“It’s not your fault, Dan,” Louise remarked, voice still soft, obviously scared to make his breakdown even worse by unsettling him.

In the end, maybe it was that what unsettled him the most. The carefulness, the way she treated him like he was a small child or a wild animal, like he could get spooked and run away every second. “But it was!” he cried, louder now, and Jennah next to him howled lowly. “There has to be something I could have done differently! I could’ve tried fighting my dad, or try to make him see reason! Or at least something to make Phil understand I did it just to save him and his career!”

It was silent for a while before he continued, and he knew she kept quiet just to let him get it out. “I was just so scared. I loved… Love him so much, Louise. Everything I did was just for him.” There was a broken sob from somewhere to his right and he froze immediately. For a second he thought it had been him, choking out a sob unintentionally, but Jennah’s head was turned over to the right too, staring intensely into the darkness. Again, there was rustling on the balcony there, a sound like a door sliding closed. His lady dog growled lowly for a second, but then complete silent engulfed them both, aside from the voice of Louise in his ear, murmuring soothing words.

He was starting to think he’d imagined it all when there was a harsh knock on his door. He sat there, frozen, head turned to look through the glass pane, across his room to where the sound came from. He sat completely still, a hand laid on top of Jennah’s head tentatively to keep her quiet. A few seconds the knock came back, louder this time, more insistent. “Dan, open the door!” a voice shouted from the outside and his breathing itched. That had almost sounded like…

“Phil?!” he questioned quietly, talking to himself, which made Louise quiet down on the other end of his still going phone call. “Louise I think… I think Phil is at my door,” he whispered into the device, unsure of how to proceed. “What are you doing still on the phone then?! Go talk to him!” she insisted in a high-pitched voice and had hung up on him before he could even react.

“Dan! I know you’re there! Open the goddamn door!” the voice shouted again and there was more knocking. For a second he looked between his phone and the door, unsure of what to do, but then he got up and made his way inside of the room. Jennah followed him cautiously, but he stopped by the bed. “Can you stay here for me, love?” he asked her, pointing to the ground she stood on, and she sat down reluctantly, throwing him a look that was clearly not amused and slightly worried. “I’ll be fine,” he whispered and moved forward. He turned on the soft light on the headboard of the bed through the switch by the door before he opened.

In front of it stood Phil, hair ruffled, cheeks reddened, if from the shouting or the obvious tears, Dan couldn’t be sure. He marched into the room, brushing past Dan as if he hadn’t even seen him, but stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted the dog still patiently sitting next to the bed.

It was silent for a while after Dan had shut the door. Phil stared at his dog as she stared right back, silently estimating each other, and Dan stood slightly to the side, gaze switching between them like he was watching a tennis match.

“Come here, girl. It’s okay,” he said after a while in the direction of his dog, who stood up silently and made her way over to them. She let Dan stroke her fur before she bravely marched forward, right up to Phil. Dan held his breath as he watched her generously accepting Phil’s outstretched hand, letting him pet her.

“Phil, meet Jennah,” he introduced them, and Phil, who had crouched down to be on eyelevel with his dog, stopped dead in his track, head wiping up to meet Dan’s gaze for the first time since he marched through the door. His eyes were blue, so blue in the soft light and Dan’s heart constricted in his chest. He felt like drowning.

“Jennah?” Phil whispered questioningly, eyes wide, still stroking the dog’s fur, “as in… Queen Jennah?”

He whipped his head around, looking between Dan and his dog as he obviously made the connection. “She’s not a girl,” he stated, louder this time, “When you said your Queen you… You meant your dog?”

Dan just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice in this moment. The weight of the situation came crashing down on him, and he felt himself swaying a bit. He moved over to the couch in the corner of the room, sinking down on it, closely followed by Phil and Jennah.

“I thought…” Phil murmured to himself as he sat down quite close to Dan, not quite touching, but it was a close call. “You thought I was talking about my girlfriend,” Dan stated in a matter-of-fact tone as he pulled his legs up to his body, leaning against the backrest of the couch. Jennah sat right in front of it, her head cramped on the couch in the small space between his and Phil’s leg.

“Yes,” Phil answered breathlessly, absently stroking Jennah’s fur, staring at her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real. “She likes you,” Dan declared fondly, full of affection, “She doesn’t even let Louise that close. And she usually sits her when I’m gone.”

“Is that who you were talking to?” Phil asked softly, turning his head over to Dan now, who tensed up immediately at the question. This was it, then. They would talk about this, right now.

His heart was beating wildly in his chest and a light feeling bubbled up in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he couldn’t quite place… Not until he recognized it as something that he had deemed impossible for a long time now. Was that... Hope?

“Yeah,” he answered, and his voice was deep and husky and nearly broke halfway through this one single word. He was so nervous he couldn’t even hope to control his breathing and had to wrap his arms around his legs to keep his hands from shaking.

“How much did you hear?” he whispered, stoically staring ahead, avoiding Phil’s eyes. “Pretty much everything, I think,” Phil answered and Dan’s heart almost leaped out of his chest. Oh god, what was he supposed to do?

He started chewing on his lower lip as he took a deep, but quivering breath. “What happened back then, Dan?” Phil asked softly, body completely shifted into Dan’s direction now, one leg folded under the other to allow him to sit sideways. He was still stroking Jennah’s fur absently with one hand and the lady dog savoured it with closed eyes. Traitor.

For a second, Dan didn’t know how to breathe. He shot a quick glance over to Phil, to his eyes, and he wasn’t sure if the look in them made it easier or harder to say what he had to say. There was something in there… Something speaking of feelings Dan had contemplated as long-lost. He shuddered.

“I was… So happy with you that week, Phil,” Dan whispered, tears nearly choking him as they silently started rising into his eyes again. Where he even took them from anymore, he couldn’t be sure. “But when I came home I…” His throat constricted heavily and he had to suppress a retch. “My little brother sat on my bed, crying. Telling me he was sorry and that it was an accident.” His voice was unbelievably quiet now and completely breathless, and he felt Phil leaning in closer to understand what he was saying. “I had given him my old laptop before we went to the isle of man, do you remember?”

He took the courage to look over to Phil again, who nodded. “You were so proud you made money with your music,” Phil reminisced tentatively, matching his volume to Dan’s, “So you went and bought yourself a new laptop from it.” He chuckled lowly. “You were so excited, said you’d finally be able to see me when we skyped.”

Dan nodded back and had to close his eyes for a moment to keep the tears at bay. “I had forgotten to delete the old pictures still on there. Or maybe I just didn’t do it, I can’t even remember. Adrian knew and I didn’t-” A choking sound escaped his throat before he was able to continue. “I didn’t think it would matter,” he closed breathlessly, so quiet the blood pounding in his ears drowned out his own voice.

It was at this moment Phil obviously made the connection. He shot up from his hunched-over sitting and stared at Dan, wide-eyed. “Your father saw the pictures?” he asked and Dan could see the shock in his eyes.

“He barged in on Adrian as he looked through them,” Dan confirmed, his voice back to a slightly louder volume. He shook his head. “He was so shocked, Phil. Full of guilt.”

Phil sucked in a sharp breath. “What did your father do?”, he asked, tears clogging up his throat on their way up. Dan could feel his eyes on him as he moved to burrow his face against his knees. “Oh god, Dan, what did he do?” There was a panic in his voice now and Dan failed to keep the next sob from breaking out.

He raised his head, tears stinging in his eyes as he looked over to Phil. “He blackmailed me, Phil. My own father. He told me... “ His voice broke and Jennah whimpered from her place on the ground, sensing his pain. “He told me he’d out you in public if I wouldn’t cut all ties to you.” He was full-on crying now and before he knew it, Phil was suddenly there, taking him into his arms, gently stroking his back. Jennah nuzzled his thigh and he moved one hand to gently caress her head.

“I’m so, so sorry Phil,” he squeezed out in between sobs, burying his head in the crock of Phil’s neck. “I was so scared he would destroy your career. He would have found out when I would have tried talking to you in secret and I just... I couldn’t let him do that to you. I loved you so much.”

For some time he just sat there, crying as Phil held him in his arms, mumbling soothing words and gently rubbing his back.

It was Phil who eventually broke the silence, long after his cries and broken sobs had rung out. “Out there on the balcony, when you talked to Louise, you said…” He let his voice fade out and Dan could feel him swallowing heavily. “You corrected yourself. You said…”

Dan knew what he wanted to say. “I said I still love you.”

He felt Phil nodding, felt his hand tremble as it rubbed circles into his back. He uprighted himself, staring straight into Phil’s blue eyes.

I was now or never.

“It’s true, Phil,” he whispered, voice hoarse as he stared. “I love you. I never stopped. It’s been six years and I just...” He let his head hanging down, closing his eyes. “I could never forget you. You were always there. I couldn’t even watch you on TV without breaking into tears because of how much I missed you.”

Suddenly, there was a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes, wordlessly staring into Phil’s. The blue was shining brightly and there was a smile on his face, so wide Dan was sure it hurt. “I love you too, Dan,” he said, his voice full of joy and happiness - and love. “I love you too, oh my god, I never stopped. I wanted to, so badly, but I couldn’t.”

There was a moment of silent communication, of Phil asking for permission and Dan granting it, and then they moved forward in utter synchronicity until their lips met in the middle in a kiss so sweet it would put every candyfloss to shame. Somewhere in the room the needle of the wall clock ticked half past seven.

When they broke the kiss to come up for air it was quiet for a moment as they looked into each other’s eyes, and then they were crying; crying and laughing and reveling in happiness, Jennah cheerfully barking back at them.

“Can you… Will you give us a second chance?” Dan asked when they both had calmed down considerably, holding Phil’s hands in his, thumbs moving over the smooth skin on their backs; still unbelieving of the fact that he was allowed to feel it again.

There were tears in his eyes as Phil looked at Dan, silently, and then he was laughing as the tears started falling. “Of course. Of course, Dan, of course. I would like nothing more than to be with you again.”

This time, the kiss was a bit less sweet, a bit more heated, and it lasted a lot longer - at least until Jennah, obviously dissatisfied of being left out, was suddenly there, running her tongue across both of their faces.

“Jennah!”, they both screeched in unison, laughing at the Shiba and Akita Inu Mix, who had her forelegs on the sofa to reach their faces, her tail energetically wagging around as she whoof-ed at them happily.

They all slept in Dan’s bed that night, closely cuddled together, Dan with his head on Phil’s chest with Jennah somewhere in between.

Four weeks later when, in the middle of a show, Dan heard about the fact that both him and Phil had been nominated for the german filmfest Berlinale, indicating that they were strong contestants for the upcoming Oscar-Nominations, he didn’t even hesitate. He ran right on stage after Phil’s dance, catching him in a bone-crushing hug. He told Phil what he had heard, tears of happiness in his eyes. Again, there was some sort of silent communication and then Phil was kissing Dan, right in the middle of the dance floor, in front of millions of viewers.

They didn’t care they all knew - all that mattered was the happiness radiating between them.

#phan #phanfiction #dnp #phanfic au #my writing

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