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orderoftheavengers · 6 years

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Accio War Machine!

Summary: Gryffindor Prefect, turned into a merman

House: Gryffindor

Species: Merman, formerly human

Blood Status: Pureblood

Broom: Hijacked one of Tony's earlier models

Wand: Rowan, 16 inches, unicorn tail hair

Patronus: Greyhound

Specialty: Flying, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration

Sorting

"Hold the freaking phone," cries out Albus Severus Potter. "So Hawkeye, and original Avenger and Order of the Shield Agent, is in Hufflepuff, and Bucky Barnes, who joined the army and defended dweeb Rogers and held his own under torture multiple times, is also a Hufflepuff, but this generic sidekick is a Gryffindor? What's your logic on that one, Hat?"

The Sorting Hat takes a long swig from its flask of Firewhisky, and clears its throat with a long belch. "My logic, Four-Eyes, is that I sort by defining traits. Hakweye is first and foremost a family guy. Becoming a secret agent takes balls, but he's still not front of the line. He's fighting from a distance. And he's too much of a one-trick pony to be a Ravenclaw. And as for Barnes, he's too much of a freaking cinnamon roll to be anywhere but Hufflepuff. Rhodes on the other hand is first and foremost a soldier--even when there's no war going on."

Green-haired Teddy Lupin throws in, "But he's a flying soldier! He fights from a distance like Hawkeye!"

"But he doesn't get to hide like Hawkeye," the Hat argues. "He's out there in the sky, like an X-Wing pilot, and he's doing that with no special abilities sans his equipment. And if he's in the middle of a drunken civil war, he'll probably pick his side based on his chivalrous duties, rather than his personal feely loyalties. He stands up to his best friend a lot better than most people, and that's including people whose best friend isn't Tony Stark!"

Hawkeye protests, "But I stand up to my friends! ...when....when I'm part of a whole team that's standing up to another team....'kay." He quietly sits down.

"Know what I think?" Rose Potter says. "I think Hufflepuff and Gryffindor are pretty much the same house, except you put all the badasses in Gryffindor and all the fluff-potatoes in Hufflepuff."

"Well aren't you clever," the Hat snaps.

Under the hat, a patient James Rhodes asks flatly, "Can I go to my table now?"

"Yes. You're in Gryffindor. Get lost!"

"Don't mind if I do."

An Unlikely, But Very Necessary Friendship

James Rhodes came from a long line of Gryffindors and Aurors, and was more than eager to carry on the family tradition. By fifth year he was a Prefect, and, due to his superior sense of responsibility and common sense, Head of Gryffindor House (over Cap and Thor!)

Not content to simply fight with Slytherins like Harry Potter, Rhodey took on the Herculean task of befriending and talking sense into the Serpent House's most insufferable and unstable member. (Edit from Tony Stark: "T'hehe, 'member!'") Rhodey wound up becoming a Bloody Baron to Tony Stark's Peeves. As it happened, Tony already had a Gryffindor study partner named Happy Hogan, but even Happy failed to be much more of a yesman to Tony.

An Unlikely, But Very Necessary Ass-Whooping

When Tony began using his broom and wand whist intoxicated, endangering his fans, Pepper tattled to Rhodey. Rhodey, knowing that the Hogwarts adult staff was still as incompetent as it had been for the last thousand years, didn't bother alerting any teachers, and simply hopped onto a table with his wand out, declaring, "Party's over. Tony, get off you're broom, or I'll get up there and knock you off, with your other broom."

Tony slurred at his friend, “Only I can summon any of my brooms!”

Rhodey raised his wand and said flatly, “Accio War Machine.”

“Who the f*ck is War Machi--?” Tony was cut off when the end of the silver broomstick arrowed into his forehead, sending him off his own broom and against the wall.

Rhodey explained from where he hovered aboard War Machine, “I had a chat with this broom a while back, and it likes me better. It’s not a Stark Broom anymore.” "You're dead to me, Mark-2!" Tony slurred, shaking a fist at the silver, bristly traitor. Rhodey ordered calmly, "Give up, and sober up."

“F*ck you!” Tony drunkenly waved his wand at his friend. "I'll shrink that big Black broom of yours, Rhodey! Er.... what's the opposite of 'engorgio?" Rhodey dodged the spell Tony unintentionally set off, which wound up hitting Scott Lang (in ant form) and causing him to grow into an ant large enough to crash through Rosmertta's roof. Rhodey and Tony then dueled. Rhodey won, and Rosmertta threw Tony out of her bar. The two wound up making up, and Rodey felt bad to learn that Tony had thought he was dying at the time of that duel, but Tony still also had to feel bad about endangering other people's lives like that. The two completely got over the fight, and were on speaking terms again and fighting together by the end of the week. When asked what the secret to maintaining a friendship after such a violent fight, Rhodey replied, "There are several factors that come into play. Like, the ass-whooping and scolding being deserved. And leaving the ass-whopped friend in his warm castle, rather than, say, f*ck-freezin Siberia. And apologizing with your own words, instead of syrupy cliches."

"For chrissake, am I EVER gonna live that down?" Steve Rogers screamed. "We were all drunk and high and playing Quidditch with literal Idiot Balls! Galdalf's dick, I saved Vision and Wanda how many times, I called Tony Earth's best defender, and I said 'I am Steve Rogers!' WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU WANT FROM ME? And for your information, every time I shed a tear, a bald eagle DIES!" He then left the Gryffindor commonroom's lobby and made his way up to the boy's dormitory, slamming the door behind him. Cosmetic Magic

While Rhodes was normally great at standing his ground, he did occasionally let Tony talk him into drinking underage. In a drunken confession, Rhodes complained, "I want a cosmetic magic makeover. I'm sick of looking like that dumb stupid tool from 'Crash.'"

Tony nodded. "You wanna look like your own unique person."

"No, I wanna look like the badass guy from 'Crash!'"

Rhodey eventually got his wish, and was literally unrecognizable to everyone until they heard Tony call him "Rhodey." They quickly got used to the new Rhodey though, and soon found the old one waving irritably in older (wizarding) photographs, and flipping "new Rhodey" the bird.

Loss of Legs

During a fiasco Quidditch match, Rhodey took a badly-aimed and drunkenly-worded spell from none other than Vision. No one, even Vision, knows what spell the humanoid Care Bear was attempting to cast, or which one he did end up casting; only that Rhodey was irreversibly transformed into a merman. Tony fretted and angst over his BFF being unable to walk, trying on clamshell bras, combing his hair with silverware, and singing about his collection of "human stuff."

Despite all the bad blood, Rhodey was not bothered at all when Steve Rogers and others apparated into the Gryffindor commonroom. (While Rhodey had graduated, he'd already had a summer internship lined up with the Flying department.) Rhodey had been in the middle of a fireplace phone-call with Professor Thaddeus Ross, the Head and embarrassment of Gryffindor House. Ross said some angry things at the Cap, that no one remembers, because Ross is a tool who no one wastes time listening to. And Rhodey was only happy to see everyone, Cap included, because that horribly mis-managed drunken brawl didn't deserve any more continuity nods than absolutely necessary, as far as Rhodey was concerned.

King T'Challa, on the other hand, Rhodey had a wee bit of bitter sass for.

“It’s too bad I don’t know a Brother with lots of money and influence, from the most advanced wizarding country in the world, in the Mother Land, that just announced they want to share their advanced magic with the rest of the planet! It's too bad there's no king around like that, who could commission his genius little sister to help a Brother get his legs back!”

"Alas, 'tis not that simple," the king sighed."

“WHY THE F*CK NOT?"

"Alas," T'Challa sighed again, and the scene changed.

Wand, Patronus, etc.

Rhodey's wand is Rowan, a very strong European wood associated with defense against malevolent forces, and guiding the lost. Unicorns are quiet, elegant creatures associated with chivalry and royalty, known for both aiding people and whooping their asses clean off. Ditto for his Patronus, the Greyhound. The Patronus's species goes beyond the whole "loyal BFFs are dogs" and Rhodey being tall and skinny; Greyhounds are hunting dogs, that fought with and befriended royalty. They are specifically known for their speed and eyesight, which are both traits of an Air Force member Flyer.

While Slytherin Tony flies around on Gryffindor colors, Gryffindor Rhodey's broom is a greenish-silver. The two of them enjoy using each other's House colors, to f*ck with people.

A/N: But seriously, why HASN'T Black Panther helped fix Rhodey's paralysis yet?

#james rhodes #rhodey #gryffindor #hogwarts house #merman #chibi #smol #iron man #avengers #marvel #mcu #potterverse #hogwarts au

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