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thebibliomancer · 7 years

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #141: The Phantom Empire!

November, 1975

VERSUS THE SQUADRON SINISTER! THESE GUYS AGAIN! ‘Nuff said.

Or not ‘nuff said because this is a pretty okay cover. Its a pretty aggressively average example of two teams lined contentiously.

Although, it may have been a trend-setter in that regard because apparently this particular cover gets homaged and parodied a lot.

I mean, sure, some of the lining up is awkward. Iron Man is standing in a really bad punching pose. Golden Arrow is sorta crouched in the back between several legs. And Beast is jumping down from the void.

And tiny, grumpy Vision is glaring at his larger counterpart.

Last time: Wasp and Yellowjacket managed to get themselves hurt in separate ways. Wasp was cured through the healing power of actual medicine. Yellowjacket by having a robot swim inside his heart.

Also, a mysterious woman has been trying to contact the Beast by camping out on the Avengers Mansion stoop.

This time: Payoff to that particular plot hook.

But we start with Beast bouncing along the middle of a road, in flagrant disregard for traffic laws.

Oh, hi George Perez!

Anyway, Beast is just so thrilled that his new pals Wasp and Yellowjacket are getting better. So thrilled that he almost doesn’t notice some green jumpsuited weirdos sneaking up on him.

But he do notice and he do dodge and throw out some witticisms and knocks some heads. But one of the weirdos gets a lucky shot on him and a bunch of those green jumpsuits jump him.

Luckily, Beast is saved by Captain America, dynamically entering the fray with his silliest maneuver.

With Beast and Captain America back to back, the tide of battle turns and the green suits flee.

So that was a weird thing that happened for no apparent reason.

Nah. Seldom do jumpsuited people attack superheroes on the first page of things for no reason.

Cap has been tailing the sergeant of that crew. Back when Cap was Nomad, he saved Roxxon president Hugh Jones from Warlord Krang and the Serpent Squad. Then later, Jones dropped a hot tip in Cap and Falcon’s lap when they were trying to find the Red Skull. And then at the Skull’s hideout, some strange troops burst in and massacred his men.

Long story short, Cap is mighty suspicious of Roxxon right now. He was snooping around Roxxon when he saw the dude he was tracking grab some pals and go prowling for Beast.

But why? What’s the connection between Beast and Roxxon?

Beast confusedly states that he and Cap aren’t even contemporary Avengers, which baffles Cap because Cap hasn’t been keeping up with the news and missed new membership news.

Meanwhile, mysterious woman is still mysterious and still hanging around Avengers Mansion waiting for Beast. But Jarvis mentions that the Avengers are at Mercy General Hospital. So off mysterious woman goes, to the hospital!

So, meanwhile at the hospital: Wasp and Yellowjacket are still on the mend. Lying in hospital beds. Wasp has gotten a lot of flowers, which she is thrilled about.

Yellowjacket has also received a bouquet, which has threatened his fragile masculinity.

It was actually Vision who ordered the flowers, for Scarlet Witch. Since her honeymoon and also witchy upgrade, she’s just really into having flowers around.

Around now, Cap and Beast burst in to report cool superhero nonsense is going on. He’s going to need to borrow the Avengers to fight a private army.

So Vision, Thor, and Scarlet Witch join Beast and Cap and head out of the room. Thor privately exulting that maybe Cap is finally rejoining the team.

Cap, also possessing of fragile masculinity, advises Yellowjacket to ditch the bouquet of roses.

After they leave, Wasp expresses how glad she is that the two of them helped found the Avengers. And Yellowjacket just passes her the bouquet of flowers, lest anyone else insinuate things.

Which is when mysterious woman shows up. Which you may recognize as literally right after the Avengers left. She just missed them. Mysterious woman immediately turns around and heads back to the mansion.

Wasp vaguely recollects knowing her from somewhere... and Yellowjacket confirms that mysterious woman was present at the wedding of Reed and Sue Richards, back in Fantastic Four Annual #3. So, hey, that narrows it down if you want to investigate which character appeared in Amazing Adventures and also at the wedding. But I’d advise not putting down this review to go look up the answer. I’ll just tell you in a bit.

Meanwhile, on the streets home, because the Avengers like to walk now and again, they spot a Quinjet flying overhead. Which means Iron Man and Moondragon have returned, possibly with Hawkeye (except nope).

When the Avengers return to the mansion, Jarvis tries to advise them about the mysterious woman but the Case of the Missing Hawkeye is more pressing and the Avengers just brush right past the butler.

Iron Man expresses surprise that Vision and Scarlet Witch have returned from their honeymoon so soon, which apparently has become a sore point at this point.

Iron Man: “Well, hi, lovebirds! I didn’t expect to see you back so soon! That was a short honeymoon!”

Scarlet Witch: “We know, Iron Man.”

But pleasentries aside, Iron Man and Moondragon fill the other Avengers in re: the missing Hawkeye and the obvious and transparent trap that has been set up to lure them to their doom via the Doom time machine.

Except its not Doom luring them to their doom. It’s obviously Kang the Conqueror.

Even computer-brain Vision is getting tired of how monotonous Kang’s frequent attacks have gotten at this point. Which says something.

Anyway, Moondragon proposes that she and Thor be the ones to seek Kang. For reasons of them both being gods.

Whatever. This works out fine for Cap’s needs anyway. He has his own situation so they’ll have to split the team anyway and that’s as good a division as any. He’s only investigating the private army of a giant powerful and possibly evil oil company. As long as he has numerical backup, he should be fine.

And then mysterious woman bursts in, shoving right past Jarvis, and announces that Beast is hers at last!

And hey! Mystery of the mystery woman solved! It’s Patsy Baxter, nee Walker, and also Patsy Walker again these days!

You may recognize her from her eponymous comics, her role in Amazing Adventures, this series of Avengers issues, Netflix Jessica Jones, certain eras of the Defenders, and a more different and cool eponymous comic about her and all her cool friends doing cool stuff.

Patsy Walker rocks and I’ll brook no disagreement on these true facts.

Anyway, Beast takes Patsy into the next room so they can talk in private and also so she can yell at him in private.

Moondragon figures that this is probably going to take time and they already know what they’re doing and judging by the look on Thor’s face, he wants no part of this drama. So they’re off.

And yeah. It does take time. The apparently contentious and loud conversation goes on for ten minutes before Beast leads Patsy back into whatever vague room the other Avengers have been awkwardly waiting.

See, Patsy has a BIG announcement to make.

BEAST IS REALLY HANK MCCOY!

... This comes as a surprise to exactly zero people. Not even Scarlet Witch and Vision who weren’t even on the team when he joined and revealed his identity. Or possibly they just don’t care and/or don’t even know who Hank McCoy is.

Either way, blackmail attempt failed. Because, yes, Patsy was trying to blackmail Beast with knowledge of his secret identity.

And somewhere, Peter Parker just woke up in a cold sweat.

Still though, Beast did promise her a thing. And even though she has zero leverage, he decides its the done thing to bring her along on an Avengers mission as an observer!

Obviously!

Cap has an objection though. Bringing a woman into danger to observe superhero stuff might be dangerous.

Beast says nah, Patsy has grit.

ALSO, POINT OF ORDER, DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT DRAG A TEENAGER NAMED RICK JONES INTO DANGER WITH YOU? HOW IS YOUR GLASS HOUSE, CAP? HOW IS ITTTTTTTTTTTTT?

Cap reluctantly concedes the point.

Meanwhile, away from this specific brand of hypocrisy, Thor and Moondragon on a random rooftop.

Thor requests Moondragon stop mentioning how much of a god he is. Moondragon asks if he disliked being called a god in front of mortals. This will be a plot point, kinda.

Oh. And then Moondragon rings up Immortus with psychic powers, like a time-a-phone. Apparently its that easy.

I’m never really sure how Moondragon stacks up next to the mutant psychics. Jean Grey was never trained by trees but she turns into a sun-devouring firebird. Moondragon turns into a dragon, of the moon. But only the once.

Anyway. Immortus agrees to transport Thor and Moondragon through time so that they may avoid mechanical time machines, which Kang might be watching. Although, if he’s spying on the present so maybe he saw Thor and Moondragon sitting on the roof yelling at nothing.

I can’t be sure because when Immortus does lead them to where Kang is, Kang just declares that they’ve definitely fallen into his trap. The guy is so self-confident that he’d say that even if he was completely surprised by them.

The usual Kangfrontation things happen. Thor throws his hammer. Immortus yells at Kang for never learning himself a thing and causing shit in three out of four Giant Avengers issues.

But Kang will never learn himself a thing. He swears it. He also swears he’s going to destroy the Avengers for keeping the Celestial Madonna out of his hands. And then he blasts at Thor.

And Thor just absorbs the energy and blasts it back at Kang, who falls backwards in time. Into a time. Time is weird.

Thor swears that this time will be the end of Kang for realsies this time! Even though Immortus is kinda cool and killing Kang will kill Immortus and Immortus saved Iron Man’s life when Kang’s machinations killed him.

Meanwhile - whatever that means in the context of time traveling - the Avengers investigate Brand. Which has a sleek, modern looking brand. If you told me the Brand brand was for a 2000s company, I’d buy it.

Anyway.

The Avengers stop outside the Brand gates to chat. Iron Man tells Cap that Brand has always struck him as bad news. That and Cap’s smiling face are why he’s with him all the way!

“So am I!” chimes in Patsy Walker, just happy to be part of the moment.

Wanda does not chime in with moral support. Because she once again thought of her shortened honeymoon and Vision insisting that they return to check on the Avengers and how now they’re drawn into stuff. And she realizes that she does not really like these circumstances.

Inside, Roxxon President Hugh Jones and Colonel Buzz Baxter, chief of Roxxon security, are watching the Avengers just having their team bonding experience right outside the gate and laughing at Beast for thinking that security is still at 1973 levels instead of the far superior 1975 levels. What an idiot.

But Jones is surprised to see Buzz’s wife with the Avengers.

Colonel Buzz Baxter: “Good lord! It is! But whatever hare-brained scheme that twerp’s got cooking this time -- it won’t slow Colonel Buzz Baxter! Anyway, she’s my ex-wife!”

Okay so back to the Avengers, totally intruding on Brand Corporation’s grounds. Beast does a cool flip over the gate. But Vison has him beat, just slipping through the gate like some sort of vision. Plus, he opens the gate for the rest.

Beast finds it spooky. Vision is the hardest Avenger to figure out of all the ones he’s met. And being an X-Men and living the X-Men life, he knows from spooky.

But here’s also a spooky thing: no guards.

And then a portal or a teleport or something happens and out steps:

THE SQUADRON SUPREME!

Whizzer: “That’s ‘Supreme’ -- not ‘Sinister,’ Avengers! Just so you’ll know who creamed you!”

...

You lied to me, cover.

Why do I still open up my heart to be hurt by you??

Anyway, we have Lady Lark, the Whizzer, Dr. Spectrum, Golden Archer (can’t be Hawkeye now that Hawkeye is back to being Hawkeye), and Hyperion.

Aka: Black Canary, Flash, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, and Superman by way of serial number filing off.

Cap spends a kooky triangular panel recapping the situation with the Squadron Whatever. The Squadron Sinister was created by the Grandmaster for his game with Kang and technically those people exist on Earth-616 and the sinister Nighthawk (aka Not-Batman) would end up joining the Defenders.

The Squadron Supreme were the heroic equivalents, from a parallel dimension. The Avengers ended up having an adventure involving them when a dimensional mishap occurred after another encounter with Arkon of Polemachus.

Oh and Golden Arrow was a disguise Hawkeye used to shake Cap out of his post-Secret Empire funk and the Squadron Golden Arrow stole the name because Hawkeye stole his name and there’d be confusion if there were two Hawkeyes (Kate Bishop says ‘nonsense’) even if Hawkeye isn’t currently contemporary. Anyway, that’s why Golden Archer is Golden Archer. Coincidentally, it also gave him the same initials as Green Arrow.

Meanwhile, Whizzer whizzes around and kicks Iron Man’s ass, who just can’t keep up. A later Flash expy that Iron Man fought during the Long March Of Nihilism that was the lead-up to Secret Wars dismantled his armor in the middle of the fight. Iron Man is bad versus speedsters. Maybe he should install an oil slick.

Beast ends up fighting Hyperion. Which. Which dang. That’s a mismatch.

Dr. Spectrum fights the Vision. And just uselessly blasts through him.

And just like clockwork, Scarlet Witch gets the Designated Girl Fight and fights Lady Lark. But Scarlet Witch has fought Lady Lark before so knows to keep her off-balance and uses her magickery to explode the sand beneath Lady Lark and knock her off her feet.

But then Patsy Walker decides she Wants to Be Part of the Moment and jumps in to join the fight. And I guess starts pulling Lady Lark’s hair?

Scarlet Witch tells Patsy Walker to step off but talking time is not magicing time and also Patsy is in the way.

Lady Lark uses her Lark Sceam or Whatever and knocks out Patsy and Wanda Witch.

And then everything goes to hell in short order.

Vision gets distracted by <BAD THING> happening to Wanda, leaving him vulnerable to Dr. Spectrum’s blasting.

Whizzer finishes off Iron Man. This probably would have happened one way or another even without Patsy’s interference. Speedsters are a real bad match-up for Tony.

Speaking of mismatches, Hyperion just grabs Beast and slams him into a wall.

And although Captain America is doing okay against archer guy, Lady Lark is free to use her sonic attack and knock him out.

And that is that. It only took four pages for the Avengers to go down like chumps.

But going down like chumps against lawyer friendly expies of the Justice League just makes a victory later all the sweeter. Hopefully.

Anyway, the Squadron Supreme reports in to Jones and Baxter. Jones is still confused why Baxter’s ex-wife is hanging out with the Avengers. Baxter says he always sensed she had some weird connection or perhaps pact with the Beast. BUT HEY, THEY CAN GET ALL THE ANSWERS THEY WANT WHEN THEY PUT THE AVENGERS PLUS PATSY INTO AN ESCAPE-PROOF CELL!

And also: then no one will be able to stop Roxxon’s final march to victory. So its going to be pretty rad overall.

But in the mean time, Immortus, Moondragon, and Thor land in the Old West of 1871. You can tell from the cactus. And also because Immortus says so.

EXCEPT WRONG. It’s 1873, interjects an off-screen voice with wiggly text bubbles. Master of Time, my ass.

So, yeah. Old West stuff next time. Also some more stuff at Brand.

Dammit, why’d they have to split the party! You’re terrible, Kang!

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