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adenei · 3 years

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Hello!! Hope u r having a good day!! I rwally really enjoy ur writings.... So I was kinda hoping if u would do angst 6 from the prompt list 1 for HINNY.... Love U and u r writings 💖💖💖💖

Hi anon! Thank you so much for the ask!!! <3 I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get to this, but I hope you enjoy this little piece of summer before DH FLANGST!!!

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“You’re lying to me again. Why can’t you just tell me the truth for once?”

Ginny let out a loud sigh as she polished the last of the silverware for the upcoming wedding. Even though Fleur had become more tolerable since they’d returned for the summer holidays, her Mum had become a raging lunatic. Not that Ginny could entirely blame her. They were hosting a wedding, in the midst of a war, no less, which was no easy feat.

Setting the last knife into the drawer, Ginny brought the polishing cloth to the hamper with dirty clothes awaiting a wash. The house was blissfully quiet, in what was no doubt a rare moment. She was hopeful that she’d be able to sneak up to her bedroom unnoticed to relax a bit before—

“Oh, wonderful, you’ve finished!” Her mum observed as she bustled into the kitchen.

Ginny resisted the urge to groan. She’d been so close to a free moment. If only she’d been two minutes faster.

“Would you be a dear and go degnome the garden?” Ginny very well knew her mother wasn’t asking, even though she posed it as a question.

“But—”

“No ‘buts’, Ginevra! We’re—”

“—hosting a wedding in two days. Yeah, Mum, I know.”

“You don’t need to be fresh, young lady. Now, please go and do as I’ve asked. You can take a break for lunch once it’s finished.”

Ginny inwardly cursed Fred and George for moving out after they’d started the business. De-gnoming the garden had always been their job, but now that they weren’t around often, it fell on her shoulders. Ron’s too. She stalked off toward the door and shut it a little too hard in frustration. When she rounded the corner to the garden, she was surprised to see someone already tackling the task.

She paused where she was standing to watch Harry pull out the menacing creatures from the earth and fling them off into the neighboring field. They hadn’t had much of a chance to spend time together while he was staying there, since her mum was keeping them all so busy. Even though they’d ‘broken up’, she felt no shame in watching the muscles in his arms flexed as he worked. Ginny quickly found herself drifting off to those lazy Sunday afternoons by the lake, when those arms could be found wrapped around her waist.

She forced the thoughts from her head as she closed the distance between them. “Hey,” she greeted, alerting him to her presence. “Mum told me to come out here to take care of the gnomes. She must have forgotten she already assigned it to someone else.”

A smile crossed his lips as sweat poured down his face. “You’re more than welcome to help if you want.”

“I don’t know...I think watching you work might be more fun,” she smirked.

Harry laughed, and the sound was like music to her ears. “Well, I’m almost done anyways. Then, I suppose I’ll need a shower.”

Ginny nodded as she gave in and reached for one of the terrors nearest her. “You do have quite the stench about you,” she said, pinching her nose.

She grabbed the gnome and swung him around and around, until letting go and watching him soar across the field. A disgruntled sound escaped Harry’s lips.

“What? Jealous of my chaser skills? Or did you not expect to be outdone in gnome throwing today?”

“You wish! That was nothing compared to one I just threw before you came out here.”

Ginny laughed. “I watched you throw two before I came over, don’t lie. I had you beat by a long shot.”

Harry cocked an eyebrow in her direction. “Is that a challenge, Weasley?”

“Only if you’re up for it,” Ginny said as she reached for another gnome.

They both set off to throw as many gnomes as far and as fast as they could. It didn’t take long to finish emptying out the garden of the pesky vermin once they’d made a competition of it.

“Well, that worked out better than I planned,” Harry said, brushing his hands together in an attempt to clean off the excess dirt.

“What? Finishing the task, or the throwing contest? Because I’m pretty sure I beat you,” Ginny said as she bumped into his shoulder innocently.

She picked up the shovel that was laying on the ground and brought them over to the shed as Harry followed.

“I don’t think so! I definitely had you on a couple,” he argued playfully.

“Agree to disagree, then,” Ginny said.

She entered the tiny shed and placed the shovel on the back wall. Turning to exit, she didn’t realize how close Harry was and almost bumped into him. He caught her easily, and she found herself in his arms again. They both stood there, frozen, a mess of limbs and sweat. For a moment, Ginny thought Harry was going to kiss her. It’d be so easy to just lean in, one more time.

And just like that, Harry backed away. “Gin, we really shouldn’t.”

Hurt and disappointment swept over her. “Like you don’t want to,” she spat bitterly.

“I...don’t,” he said, the strain in his voice clearly evident.

“You’re lying to me again. Why can’t you just tell me the truth for once?”

Ginny wasn’t quite sure where that had come from. It was probably the frustration of the whole situation.

“Again?” Harry immediately became defensive. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You don’t trust me with information of what you three are planning! Haven’t I proven that you can tell me? I just want to know that you’ll be safe. How can I know if you won’t even—”

“Gin, you know I can’t tell you! It’s the same reason you can’t come with us. That and you won’t be of age, so the—”

“Yeah, I know. The bloody trace,” she said angrily as she kicked at the ground. “It’s not fair. None of it.”

She looked up to meet his gaze and immediately regretted her words. Sure, it wasn’t fair, but she was being awfully selfish. It was up to Harry to save the magical world as they knew it. The hurt and anguish on his face said more than any words could.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said.

Ginny wrapped her arms around him, wishing she could take away all of his stress and pain. “I just want to make things easier for you.”

She felt him nuzzle into her neck as he said, “You already do. Just promise me you’ll stay safe and out of trouble at Hogwarts this year. I’m doing all this for—”

He choked on his words as the remainder of his unfinished sentence hung in the air between them. You.

“I know,” she whispered back. “Just, promise me the same?”

“You know I’ll try, but—”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare say it.”

It didn’t bear repeating, and she refused to let herself believe that these could be their final days together, even though she was well aware it was a possibility. She felt him pull away and immediately missed his warmth and touch, despite the hot July air.

“We should get back inside. I could use a shower after all that hard work,” he said reluctantly. It was an attempt to bring them back to the lightheartedness of a few moments ago.

“Yeah, Potter, you stink,” Ginny joked as a smile returned to her face.

She pretended to push him back out of the shed. He chuckled as he blocked her exit, their playful banter returning. And just like that, their serious conversation was over, though the moment would continue to replay in Ginny’s mind for many months to come.

#hinny #harry x ginny #Harry Potter #ginny weasley #hp dh #hp fanfic #adenei answers

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criminalrambling · 3 years

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Checkers and Coffee

Pairing: spencer reid x reader

Rating: G , fluffy! Some mention of a stalker, typical unsub stuff but story does not take place during a case. Enjoy the cute!

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The Charleston sun was still rising, not yet heating the air to sweltering, and the morning smelled of coffee and salt water. Most people would have been asleep at their vacation homes at this time of day, but you happened to be seated in a cozy booth at the local diner across from a certain tall, tousle-haired Doctor. The rest of his team had left earlier that morning on their jet, but unrelated to their recent case, they were transporting two Marines back to DC and two people needed to wait for a later commercial flight… you’d all drawn straws, and the lucky agents to stay behind were yourself and one Dr. Spencer Reid.

You’d checked out of the hotel, but hadn’t wanted to go to the airport just yet. So you’d convinced Spencer to join you at one of your favorite places for a few cups of coffee and breakfast. It must have been the lack of sleep combined with lack of coffee that caused you to challenge someone with an eidetic memory to a strategy game.

“You really think you can beat me?” His brown eyes glinted as he raised his left brow and smirked.

You rolled your eyes and nudged the round crimson game piece one space forward. “It’s checkers, Spencer. Not chess.”

“True,” he responded, scooting forward a black piece of his own. “But there’s still a significant amount of strategy involved. Did you know that versions of checkers were played as far back as 3,000 BCE? Archaeologists found evidence of a similar game in the Iraq city of Ur, and there have been other versions played throughout history. Though I’m not sure any of those versions involved a fabric board…”

His sentence was cut off by a grey-haired waitress who took your breakfast orders with military precision and a smile. You didn’t place a dainty order either. If Spencer thought you were a gluttonous cow, then so be it… breakfast was the best meal of the day, and you didn’t make it to Fleetwood Diner nearly often enough. You were pleased that Spencer took your suggestion of pancakes as part of his order, though his were plain and not the blueberry ones you preferred.

“Playing checkers at the Fleetwood Diner is tradition in these parts. At least, in my family it is.” You countered, jumping one of his pieces and trying not to gloat as you snatched it off the board. “Your turn.”

“Well, if it’s a tradition in the Y/L/N family then I’m happy to partake.” he shrugged, and gulped down more coffee out of the stout, thick handled cup. “Is it just me, or does coffee taste better when it’s served in this kind of mug?”

You grinned and looked over your shoulder to see where your waitress was. “Not just you - I love diner mugs. In fact, a couple of Fleetwood ones may have mysteriously made their way into my kitchen cabinet.”

“A federal agent, admitting to thievery!” Spencer laughed. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

A warm, fuzzy feeling spread through your body at the sound of his laughter and the way his wide grin made his eyes crinkle. You hadn’t heard that laugh in several days, maybe even a week? Despite the busy workload in the intelligence department of the FBI, you’d taken off for South Carolina as soon as your sister had called asking for your help. The BAU had come down a couple of days later after you’d phoned JJ, the panic and emotion in your voice convincing her to bring the team to your hometown to help. The fact that everything had worked out… well, the fact that you were even able to smile was truly something to be thankful for.

Your sister’s 6 year old son James had gone missing from the University day-care that he attended after his half day of kindergarten. It turned out that one of her former students, now going by a new name, had targeted her. He was jaded since she’d turned him down shortly before her wedding 7 years ago and coveted the life she’d built. After 3 days of dedicated work on the geographical profile, James was found in an abandoned warehouse. He had been unharmed but was very dehydrated. The UnSub was located a few hours later as he was en route to the University, where he would have… well, done something terrible to your sister.

“I owe you one,” you smiled back, moving another piece. “And not just for keeping my diner mug secret. There’s no way I could have handled this one out without you and your team. It means the world- thank you.”

“Oh, I’m sure…” he started to brush off the commend, looking a tad sheepish before you cut him off with a look and placed your hand on top of his, squeezing gently. He gulped. “You’re welcome.”

You withdrew your hand awkwardly, hoping to whatever higher power there was that your cheeks weren’t changing colors. The two of you continued moving your checkers pieces, and you downed the last sip of your coffee before reaching for the pot the waitress had left on the table.

“The only flaw of these mugs… they aren’t nearly large enough.” You joked, trying to lighten the mood.

The corners of Spencer’s mouth turned up slightly. “I was debating doing some research through the biomedical engineering program at Johns Hopkins… There has to be a way to inject coffee straight into the bloodstream.”

“Might even earn yourself another PhD, smarty pants.” you played along, teasing him. You loved the way he lit up at the banter as you went back and forth.

“One can never have too many PhDs.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“No PhDs, and yet you’re winning at checkers.”

“Are you letting me?”

“No. Do you want me to?”

“No!” You gasped. “I like to win fair and square.”

“Oh, that’s too bad…” He smirked, and double jumped your pieces. “I might just have to make a comeback.”

“You son of a…”

“Pancakes!” chimed your waitress, swooping them down to your table. They looked perfect, as always, and your mouth watered. You knew they would taste even better. “And the blueberry, with extra crispy bacon. Syrup is on the table, anything else I can get you?”

“More coffee?” You and Spencer said in unison, looking at each other in embarrassment when you realized it had happened.

“That would be amazing, thank you.” You told the waitress as she took the empty pot from your table and said she’d be back momentarily.

You ate in silence for a few minutes - both due to the delicious food and also to take in what you were feeling. Of course, you felt relieved that your family was healthy and safe. Genuinely thankful for the smarts and skills of the BAU, especially those of the man across from you. You also felt… nervous? Oh dear, were those butterflies?

Of course, you knew Spencer prior to his arrival in Charleston to help with the case. You both worked at the Bureau and everyone knew the BAU team. You’d been with Spencer at a couple of functions (not together, just… there at the same time), and had gotten to know a few other members of the team over the years. Your department frequently passed cases their way, so you worked with JJ and Penelope most often. You’d always found Spencer handsome, but figured he was either already seeing someone, well out of your league or just… not interested.

But now, after spending the last several days in close quarters and under emotional stress, you felt that something had changed. The entire team was great, but Spencer in particular had been sweet, supportive and focused on helping you and your family. And when your nephew had finally been found, he'd been the one to talk to him, probing for details that would help in the UnSub’s capture. He'd pulled a magic trick to make James laugh, and you could immediately see how much he loved kids. Something about that combined with the extra time together… well, now that you weren't so anxious about your family, your attraction to him was ramping up into a desire for more than just the casual acquaintance you had before.

But did he feel the same?

The coffee arrived and you finished your last piece of bacon.

"So, uh.." Spencer started, fiddling with a sugar packet. "What time is our flight?"

"10:30.” you replied, sipping your coffee. It was just after 7:00. “So we should probably be there around 8:45 or so and it takes 45 minutes to get there…we can grab our checks if you want to leave a little extra time to grab our luggage from the hotel.”

“Okay, yeah. That would be good.” He flagged down the waitress quietly. “Can I get the check? Thank you so much.”

She handed over the seafoam green order slip, to which was paper clipped a crisp white receipt. He scanned the total briefly and handed it back with his card tucked inside faster than you could even move to pull out your wallet. You pulled it out anyway, feeling a bit flustered.

“What do I owe ya, Doc?” you joked, flipping through the cash in your wallet.

“Don’t worry about it,” he responded, the pitch of his voice rising ever so slightly. “My treat, Y.N. Besides, isn’t it normal for a gentleman to… well, not that this is a… um, never mind.” He looked back to your now-forgotten checkers board, his lips narrowed together in concentration.

You grinned, hoping that you had heard him right. “I love a breakfast date. Even better than a coffee date, really.”

His tongue brushed over his lower lip and he looked back up at you before responding.

“What about dinner and… well, it’s not a movie, but I happen to have an extra ticket to a poetry reading on Thursday if you’d like to join me and…”

“I’d love to.” You smiled at him, feeling absolutely giddy at the prospect of a romantic date later in the week.“We can figure it out while we wait at the airport.”

His whole face lit up, and he followed you out of the restaurant. A couple of hours later, your head would come to rest on his shoulder while you napped on the flight home, and Spencer would feel very pleased indeed that he’d switched straws with Morgan to get this extra time with you

#spencer reid #criminal minds #criminal minds fic #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x fanfiction #fluff #criminal rambling #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fanfiction #creative writing

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stephhannes · 3 years

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booked and busy

sometimes when i think about dating again i’m like “how am i supposed to do this when i’m not young and hot anymore?” and then i have to remind myself that i’m 25, not dead. it’s hard to not feel behind though when everyone i went to high school with is already on their second marriage.

speaking of marriage, all of my friends got married last summer. i get that pandemic weddings suck for the people getting married- but they were great for me, because i didn’t even have the option of having to be like “haha hey sorry i can’t come i’m still grieving the loss of my wedding xoxo send me ur registry.” for future reference, i am still emotionally unavailable to attend any weddings. i don’t even really drink anymore so don’t even think about trying to lure me in with an open bar- hit me up for your second weddings, i might be ready by then.

let’s address the elephant in the room: i’ve been lonely lately. i’ve finally gotten to a point where i’m not constantly in survival mode, the last couple of years have been tough- between the whole being so sad i thought i was simply going to pass away thing and being so poor that i thought i was going to pass away thing. but i’m finally at a place where i have a little bit of time to think of other things than “oh my god am i going to be able to pay rent this month?” and the thing i’ve been thinking about is how much it sucks to come home to…just myself.

in november, i officially moved back to austin after my departure due to the pandemic. when i initially returned, i wasn’t sure how long i’d be back in austin for. my lease at my apartment ended in july, and i ended up basically housesitting for a friend. and as the paramount kept having events, i kept extending my time housesitting. and eventually i wound up with a second job.

a coworker asked if i was available for a couple-day gig and i was like “yes, i love money” and that gig has extended until now. it’s not technically permanent, but maybe if i bat my eyelashes enough i can keep working. i’ve now somehow weaseled my way into the TV industry which is hilarious because one of my favorite pastimes in college was getting involved with film bro dudes and absolutely horrifying them with how little knowledge i have of tv/film.

with the second job, i knew that i needed to find a place to live. i also knew that i still didn’t make enough money to actually be able to rent anything in this hell city without a guarantor, and as a woman that has no financially stable adults, my options were slim. and somehow- i got lucky. the friend i was housesitting for ended up actually moving out, and i just slid right in. and now look at me! the proud renter of a house! i have a backyard! i pay way too much money in rent! i love it!

i love my house. she’s uhhhh, quirky- but she’s a place to live. in november, i began the arduous process of moving all my shit from abilene back to austin, a shuffle i’ve made too many times at this point. it took three trips, but i eventually moved my wares- a desk, a nightstand, a handful of kitchen items, my clothes. for awhile, it was pretty empty in here. but it’s finally starting to fill in. i spent my first couple of weeks building flatpack ikea furniture, and eventually started scouring the salvation armies near me. my biggest dilemma was trying to find a couch.

how do people with no friends, no truck, and no money get a couch to their home? i’d find a cheap one on facebook marketplace, but would need someone to pick it up for me. i looked through wayfair, but the idea of waiting for a couch that may or may not arrive in 5-10 weeks and need two people to assemble was too much. and eventually, my neighbor was like “hey do you want my old couch? i just got a new one” and i was like “uh yes, absolutely.” shortly after that, i found a chair at salvation army for $25. and hark! there it was, finally i had a place to sit down. as they say, every desk is a standing desk when you don’t have anything to sit on.

when it came to furnishing my place, i was willing to wait for the right pieces. when i moved in, i thought a lot about the place i had in philly with nathan. if i’m being honest, i hated it. all of our furniture was black, from walmart. it looked ugly, it was uninspired, but it was functional. and sure, at that point, that’s all that mattered. we only lived there for a month, so obviously there wasn’t time to actually move in and personalize it. but still, i didn’t want to have that experience with my place. in all honesty, it’s always felt like home. even when the only thing i had was a mattress on the floor of my bedroom and a bar cart. but now that it’s starting to fill in, it’s been really great.

when jose first came to visit, he immediately was like “this place has good vibes,” and i have to agree. when i first moved out on my own after nathan died, i moved back into an apartment that i had already lived in during the before times. it haunted me. even though i had filled it with completely new furniture, in a completely different arrangement, the walls still knew too much.

sometimes it’s lonely living by myself. i’ve always had a roommate and this is my first time where i’m just coming home to me. i miss living with nathan. it was all the perks of living alone (not having to wear pants in shared spaces, being able to be awake at stupid hours of the night) with the addition of the warmth of being able to come home to a partner. to be able to say “hey, i’m at 125th right now, i’ll be home soon,” and have someone excited for my arrival. to not have to stress about doing all the chores because someone else was there to lighten the load. to have someone to reel me in when i start spiraling before bed.

i had to have a weird conversation with myself when it came to hanging up pictures on my wall. i have pictures with all of my favorite people, which obviously includes pictures of nathan and i had to take a moment to ask myself “does seeing his face every day still make me happy?” when i try to make myself sad, i’ll go through all the pictures of him on my phone. and for a period of time, catching the glimpses of us hanging on my wall would put me in a weird mood. i ended up leaving the pictures up. i hate thinking about the day i’ll eventually take them down.

becoming a home-renter has taken a village. from my friend advocating for me to make sure i got the lease, to jose and dan coming here on the weekends to do all the stuff i just don’t have time for (yard work, knocking down wasp nests, cleaning my blinds), to everyone that’s given me furniture or other home goods. and most recently, my friends that let me live with them during the snowstorm because my home became uninhabitable because one of her quirks is that she’s impossible to keep warm!

i’ve felt so supported by my friends lately, which has been dope- but there’s still a lingering emptiness. starting next week, i’m going to attempt to fill that emptiness with 50mg of zoloft (yes, ya girl finally got an anti-depressant prescription), but realistically, i know that i’m missing having a partner.

something i’ve noticed a lot on The Apps is that dudes will put “no kids, never married” in their bio, and while i do appreciate the child disclaimer- the whole ‘never married’ disclaimer sends me on a spiral. because like, yeah i’ve never technically been married, but i feel like that’s an even worse way to try to explain my past than just being like “yes i’m 25 yes i’m a widow yes we exist,” and it’s like- why are you seeing that and addressing it like it’s a red flag? shouldn’t be a good sign that there’s been at least one person who liked me enough to want to marry me? i still haven’t worked out the best way to navigate the whole “haha yeah i’m a widow” conversation, as you can imagine, it’s A Lot to ingest.

(also, a quick side tangent- over the last few months, my blog has gotten a lot more hits, like literally thousands more than usual, and as a result of that, i’ve been getting a lot of pushback because of the way that i refer to myself as a widow even though i wasn’t married. i’ve never had to make this disclaimer to anyone that knows me in real life, because they get it. but i wanted to make a quick disclaimer to anyone that’s ever thought “lol this poor grieving woman isn’t a widow!!! i must tell her in a very rude way!!!” literally the only reason i wasn’t legally married was because nathan died before we could get married. in every other aspect, we were married. we had joint finances, we were on a lease together, but more importantly, every decision we made was with the other person in mind and with the intent of bettering each others’ lives- we were very much A Unit. being legally married doesn’t legitimize a relationship in any sort of significant way, other than….legally. the whole point of marriage is to promise to take care of someone until they (or you) die, and that’s exactly what i did. and by that merit, yeah, i do refer to myself as a widow. if you want to be technical about it, legally, no i’m not a widow…but like….get over it….are you really going to argue semantics with someone that lost their partner?)

ok so back to the hell that is Being On Dating Apps. i’ve done my time, i’ve put in my work, and when nathan and i got together i was so excited that i didn’t have to date ever again because honestly, i hate it. and now look at me, back in business.

it’s exhausting being this unimpressed by men. my arms are tired from having to carry every conversation.

i’ve talked about the first date i went on after nathan died, but the second one is truly a train wreck that needs to be witnessed.

picture this: i’m on bumble, and i start talking to this dude that’s like….pretty decent. we’re having a good enough conversation, and eventually he’s like “hey! let’s get lunch this week” and like an unsuspecting fool, i said yes. so we go to lunch, and once again, things are surprisingly normal. until eventually, he looks me in the eyes and says with his whole heart- “hey, i’ve gotta be honest with you. i’m actually a magician, i recognized you on bumble from in & of itself and i really just wanted to pick your brain and ask some questions about the show,” and i immediately was like “oh yeah for sure, let me run to the bathroom real quick and then we can discuss magic” and then i literally made myself disappear. i just left. poof. no trace of me to be found again.

i’ve always said that i hate magic because if i wanted to get lied to i would just do it for free by talking to a man- and boy, have i always been right.

anyway, now i live in fear of being bamboozled by a magician again.

one time i let my friend swipe through my apps for me, and she was like “you sure do match with a lot of people named nathan,” and i was like “yeah, i think it’s the trauma.” i went through a phase where i’d swipe right on anyone with any sort of commonality with nathan….like literally anything. i’d see someone that graduated from columbia and i’d be like “ok that works” or like…..i’d see a picture of someone playing a trumpet and i’d just swipe right.

i’ve tried to break myself of that habit because like, that’s not fair to the other person but sometimes i recognize those little patterns and it’s just a little reminder of how i’m still broken.

when i’ve mentioned being back on apps, sometimes people are like “omg how did you move on? i couldn’t imagine dating someone else” and first of all- bold of you to assume i’ve moved on, also bold of you to assume that it’s not totally terrifying to me. being back on apps isn’t the same thing as being in a relationship with someone else. just because i’ve been casually talking to people doesn’t necessarily mean anything substantial. it’s progress, but the thought of having to be genuinely vulnerable around someone else is hard to wrap my head around, especially now with all this additional baggage.

there have been times in my life where i’ve struggled with feelings of being unloveable. when i was in college, i was convinced that i would die alone. and a lot of the work that happened within my relationship with nathan revolved around getting me to a place where i was able to be like “i am a person deserving of love.”

i’ve had to come to terms with the fact that there are also countless other people in this world deserving of love, and i have plenty of it to offer. do i wish i was offering to nathan? absolutely, all the time. i know that my relationship with nathan is incomparable, but that doesn’t mean that i can’t go on to have fulfilling relationships with other men. right before nathan and i got together, in the time when we thought we were about to go our separate ways- we had this conversation where i was like “lol you’ll be fine, you’re about to move to new york and you’ll find someone better than me and forget that i exist” and his response to that was “shut the fuck up, do you actually believe that? i have what i have with you- even if i wanted to, i couldn’t just replicate that with someone else.” and i think about that a lot now- in the sense of i had i had with nathan, and nothing will touch that, or replace that, or compare to that- and that’s totally okay. that doesn’t take away from or negate the importance of theoretical future relationships.

i can’t say that i’m actively looking for a partner right now, but if the opportunity presents itself, i’m not opposed to the concept of dating someone. like i tweeted the other day, “i can’t believe that one day i’m going to have to be a mother figure to a straight man, yet again.”

ok cool, so that’s enough vulnerability for today- i’m gonna save the rest for my therapist xoxo

+++

the fun thing about having jobs (plural) is that instead of feeling emotions i just feel stressed. i can’t believe that i’ve finally become one of those people that has to be constantly doing something but here i am, working from 9-5 and then coming home to do chores and then scrolling through my phone while watching netflix because god forbid i allow my brain to have one single moment where i’m alone with my thoughts. some days i work from 9am to midnight and those are the days where i really don’t have any time to be alone with my thoughts. thank god!

i have been taking time to try to do more creative pursuits. i’ve been writing more- recreationally. my resolution this year was to become the most insufferable woman in the world, so i am currently working on both a screenplay and a stand-up routine. i’ve also been doing some freelance editing and social media consulting. which like…..how millennial of me to do.

circling back to the “having thousands more readers” on my blog thing i mentioned earlier, i checked my stats the other day and i’ve somehow gotten 10k page views in the last few months. i’ve been getting a lot of DMs on instagram/emails/etc from people that are like “oh my god i feel so much less alone now” which is insane.

after nathan died, i purposefully stayed away from all grief content- i didn’t want any influence on what i was feeling- especially when i started writing how i was feeling. i wanted to be able to look back on it and know that the feelings i was writing about were uniquely mine. and then slowly, i started introducing works about grief into my reading lists and i also remember having those moments of “oh!! other people feel this way!!” but, if i’m being honest, a lot of grief writing makes me cringe. i hate platitudes, i hate cliches, i hate when people try to give me unsolicited advice and i hate published collections of advice even more.

nonetheless, i keep getting asked the same question- “does it ever get easier?”

so here’s what i’ll say about that, it does.

there was a period of time in my life where i’d be awake at 4am frantically googling “can you die from a broken heart?” (spoiler alert, apparently you can). i didn’t leave my house for 9 months. i literally could not be social without having to step away to cry. it was impossible to function. everything felt so incredibly empty (and i definitely still have days where things feel meaningless), i was literally a whisper of who i used to be. and then gradually, it got easier. my chest was a little less tight, the weight on my shoulders was a little lighter, and now i probably feel the closest to “myself” i’ve ever felt.

everyone told me that the second year is the hardest, but there was a chunk of time where i didn’t even think i would make it to the second year. and then i did. and the second year has been weird (love grieving and also getting tossed into a pandemic) but it’s been better. i’ve been joking about it a lot more. which i’ve noticed a lot of people being very confused by- but to paint you a picture, one time pretty shortly after nathan died one of my friends texted me and was like “hey…..you haven’t made any jokes and i’m pretty concerned. you must really be doing terribly if you’re not joking about it” and they were right! i was doing terribly!

but i’ll leave you with this- perhaps the most egregious platitude of them all- it gets better.

but first, it’s going to be really awful.

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lingq328 · 4 years

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Around the month of June 2019, my bestfriend suddenly chat me up and said that she want to introduce me to her friend. At that time, I was not really in the mood in looking for a boyfriend but always open to meet new friends. One thing after another, she finally confessed to me that this guy is her cousin, she and his sister want to try to set us up. But, she informed me in advanced that he was divorced, a short marriage caused by his ex wife cheat on him. I said, just as friends, sure why not.

During these time, she and his sister keep in touch finding a way to introduce us, worrying as well that he might not be open for a new relationship. Finally, on the 7th July 2019, a message pop up with a "Hi", and so how it all begins.

At first, we only chat via Whatsapp, then continue to phone calls (he doesn’t like to type), then we finally decided to meet up. During these period, I was also introduced to another guy by my cousin and he is single. But I'm not really interested with the 2nd guy. So when me and 1st guy finally decided to meet up, don't know what actually happened, but we both have cold feet at the last minute, so it was cancelled. But we do still keep in touch. And finally, we decided to really meet up. I already had feelings for him before we met, so when we finally met, my heart skips a beat. But I tried to ignore my feelings, because he was divorced, my parents are very strict and they obviously won't approve this relationship. We chat till late, we had dinner and continue to a nearby cafe for another talk. And I found myself getting more attracted to him. I keep praying to God, if he is meant for me, then He will lead the way.

After the meeting, I encourage myself to ask him out for a movie. Thats our second meeting. During these periods, we always call till late nights, talking bout life and dreams and more. During August, I was facing a huge dillema, as my mom found out that somehow I have developed feelings for him and she does not approve us, I was so stressed, crying to my bestfriend and finally we decided to make a short getaway to Singapore to clear my head.

While in Singapore, we keep in touch, and my bestfriend (who is like a sister to me), she finally asked me the big question "answer me honestly, if he say he love u, will u accept him? With all his past and everything?" Without a doubt and without thinking I said "yes" and she was so surprised. So finally I've made up my mind, I chose him and I keep praying to God, if he is meant for me, then He will lead the way.

Things began to change between me and him, getting into September, he starts to act differently, he starts to show his care, his attention and even started to ask me on my thoughts about marriage. I begin to feel weird what is wrong with this guy. Though I admit, my feelings for him do grow stronger but i keep it to myself, I don’t even have the courage to tell my bestfriend about it. She once told me, when u r ready, pray to God and say "God, if he really is meant for me, please make him say something to me." Day passes by and he started to act more strangely, more care and more attention and then 11th Sept, in the afternoon, he text me and say "u know wad, I actually want to tell u something,but later when we call" and I thought he was only going to tell me about his friend,but he text me again not to go home late that night and so I'm getting frustrated and I pray "God, please stop joking around will u? If he is really meant for me, please show me a sign and make him say something to me.." so the night comes, its our call time and I asked him what was he going to tell me, at first he keep avoiding saying that he forgot what it is, then denying and avoiding and finally after the umpteenth attempt, he finally said "so, after a lot of thinking, I really like ur personality, ur attitude. U know my past very well and yet u never judge me. U r very humble. U know that after what I went through, it is not easy for me to open up my heart again. But I have prayed to God, and I just want to say that I chose u, I chose u to be in my life, to be my partner in life and yes, I love you" and I was frozen in shock, and finally I was laughing and he is confused why I laughed and then I cried.(at that moment he might think that I'm crazy) but I was caught off guard, I didn't expect this at all. And then I told him, "u know what? I love u too.. I was laughing and crying because I just prayed to God this afternoon, if u r really meant for me then He will make u say something to me, then this happens now. I'm just so surprised." And so 12th September 2019 marked as the day when we began our Relationship.

We began the relationship behind the scene, we decided not to tell anyone yet until we are both ready. Every Tuesdays and Fridays, we went to bible study together and pray together, and finally, we confessed to my bestfriend almost a month into our relationship but we still go behind my parents back. But we keep praying to God to lead us and open our way. We keep our faith strong.

5th October 2019, early morning at 5am, in the car on our way to the airport, me and my mom are flying to Bali for my sister's wedding. She suddenly says "hey, if u r already in a relationship with the guy (1st guy), its okay, but just don't rush into things yet, introduce him to me first then to ur dad,after ur sister's wedding" and I was... "what?!" And in my head "how did she find out, what the.. how..what?" Again I was in shocked.

I guess it was early November, then me and him and my bestfriend and her husband we arranged to introduce him to my mom, and somehow my mom give her approval and tell him to come to our house next week to meet my dad and I was again in shocked. And meeting my dad was easier than I thought, everything went very well. And not long after that, we already start to talked about weddings and everything and both of our family decided to meet up on 22nd December 2019, where his brother in law represents his family to ask my parents to asked me to be their daughter in law. And after both parents happily shaking hand and everything and suddenly he drank his tea, pushes his chair and I was "where are u going?" And he got on one knee and ask my hand in marriage, an of course I said YES!

Days passes by, both our parents went along really well, they chat among one another, my parents love him very much and his parents love me very much too and we decided to have our Wedding on 29th November 2020. We have decided our venue, our vendors and even location for prewed photos and Covid-19 happens. And we are forced to postpone our wedding until 20th March 2020. I was sad and angry to God, why does this happen. I was often told, only God knows the best for us, if He postpone something then there must be a good reason behind it.

A lot of things happened in between, his relationship with his business partner getting worse, and finally they split up. And somehow, this is where God's work happen, don't know how, don't know why, somehow, with both of our parents blessing, we both decided to build a business together. Starting up a company is not easy and this happen so fast between May to August, we have to be ready with the location,office, license and many more and finally, TIS is officially operating on 20th August 2020.

Along the way, God really has open up His way for us. Before we even officially open, and the products are not even ready yet, only a few samples in hand, we already have a few strong and amazing leaders who believed in our product, our company and our system and even before we open, 500 boxes of our products have been booked. God is good, His plan is wayyyyyy beyond our plan. And with this, I thought, now I know why God made us postpone our Wedding, coz if we are starting a business and planning a wedding, I will definitely become a bridezilla.

Long story short, the moral of this story is, have Faith in Him, for only He knows what and when is best for us, for His plan is the best for us. We always grateful to God for his guidance throughout our relationship and now as a business partner as well. Have faith and do things with a good heart and God will open the way. We are so blessed and grateful to God for His blessing upon us, without Him, none of these will ever happen.

Keep praying with a clean heart, have a strong Faith in Him and Believe in Him, for what is impossible for us, is possible to God.

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