Tumgik
#miss COVID times when we could just do those on teams) and then I have to rush to the office bc I have office hours until 5 pm
apricotluvr · 2 years
Text
Listen
#on Wednesday I have a really busy work day and a friends wedding. the whole morning I’ll be at a seminar / training (on location… kinda#miss COVID times when we could just do those on teams) and then I have to rush to the office bc I have office hours until 5 pm#so like I said I have a wedding but like… I don’t know what time or which location (or even city)… my friend let me know about the wedding#like 2 weeks ago so by then I couldn’t ask for a day off from work. then she asked for my address to send me the wedding invitation but i#haven’t received it. we messaged and she asked if I had gotten it in the mail but I said no and asked her to send me a pic of the#invitation and she hasn’t responded :/ I even let her know I have appointments until 5 and said I wanna see if a coworker can maybe do my#last few appointments so like…#I know she’s busy and having ur wedding in a few days must be stressful but if ur gonna invite a friend and she asks for information about#the party. u should send it to her… these days I’m sure anyone who’s throwing any kind of party has the invitation / information on their#phone anyway so idk she could just send it to me quickly right…?#idk man cuz if I’m done at 5 pm (and that’s only if I’m lucky and my appointments are finished on time) . I would still need to get ready#dress scarf make up . and since I don’t even know the location. who knows how long I’d have to drive there . plus I don’t actually wanna go#alone. I wanna take my mum w me so I was actually hoping I would be able to drive back home (25 min) and then go#ugh I’m just frustrated
4 notes · View notes
Note
I saw that your requests are open so I wanted to ask if you could write something for Charles Leclerc with All of the Girls You Loved Before by Taylor Swift, please 🙏 ❤️ you can ignore this if you want.
All The Girls You Loved Before - Charles Leclerc
First of all, I want to apologise SOOOO much, this has been in my requests for agggggeeeeessss. I am so so so sorry. I promise I wasn't ignoring it, I just couldn't remember the song off the top of my head or the lyrics and I kept forgetting to check.
But here is it. I hope you like it after such a long wait :)
Bit of a slow burn. across...nearly all of Charles' relationships. For the purposes of the timeline we're pretending Charles and Alex were short-lived to step aside for y/n.
Tumblr media
2019
Y/n tilts her head as she watches the young Ferrari driver walk in, crowded with attention. He's not had any shortage of attention but something that most people over look is Charles' way with his girlfriend Giada.
Four years together now and there's even been rumours about him possibly having proposed.
To y/n she wishes she had that. Not just a relationship, but that exact relationship with Charles.
She just started an internship for RedBull's marketing team but her focus is solely on Charles Leclerc. The rookie who got lucky and broke every rule that Ferrari has for their drivers, choosing experience over the risk of a fresh face. His rookie year in Sauber and blatant skills earned him a seat in Ferrari and in recent history the youngest Ferrari driver, over all the second youngest.
"Y/n." Pierre calls making her whip her head around away from his friend. "What are you doing?"
"Oh uhh...nothing just looking around." Y/n lies earning a nod as she shoots him a smile. "Do you want to help choose the pictures to post for your track walk?"
And like that, those feelings are tucked away from sight. Hopefully for her crush on the man who is in a relationship to be pushed aside until it disappears into nothing.
2020
Despite Charles breaking up with Giada, he's dating a new girl. Charlotte, who is probably the most perfect person for him. He seems happy and the way he and Charlotte interact is proving harder and harder for y/n.
They've also formed a bit of a casual friendship, slightly more than acquaintances but he doesn't got out of his way to speak to her.
"You are staring again." Max whispers into her ear making her gasp and jump, turning around quickly. Max caught on quickly to the newly appointments social media assistant's crush when they came back from covid lockdown.
"Shut up." Y/n frowns nudging him away. "I'm not staring anyway, I'm thinking about how much happier social media teams looking in other teams. Probably because they don't have to deal with you."
"You should just tell him." Max states making her scoff.
"He is in a happy long term relationship and he is a good enough boyfriend that he wouldn't cheat."
Well if rumours aren't truth then that's the case, but if they are maybe Charles would cheat.
2021
Y/n sighs as she looks at Charles struggle his way through yet another race. It's safe to say that Ferrari just didn't deliver with the car this year.
Charlotte isn't here either.
Now, y/n never reaches out to make a conversation with Charles. But he does spot her and stop by her at the Red Bull unit.
"Hello, y/n. How have you been?" Charles greets making her looking up from the phone she'd quickly diverted her gaze when he looked at her. Definitely catching her but he's too polite to address it.
"I'm good...how are you? Settling in well with the new teammate? Max was saying about how Carlos was a great teammate in Toro Rosso."
"I like him as a teammate-I do miss Seb-"
"But the two are you are good friends." Y/n nods, ignoring the flutter in her chest as she speaks with him. "So is there no Charlotte this weekend?"
"Ah, no she is busy with her studies. But she will come to the next one. We don't really get to spend as much time together as it looks like. When she does come to the races, it's hard to really pay attention to her with everything else going on." Charles admits, not even sure why he's opening up about it but maybe he needed to just say it to someone.
"Charles...is everything ok?" Y/n asks softly before she swallows thickly knowing really they aren't close enough for her to push him for more information.
"Yes, of course. Is everything ok with you?" He asks looking like he genuinely wants her to answer with no lie.
"I'm great. Just working like always." Y/n nods in gesture to her phone and laptop. "Making Max part take in social media stuff or get pictures of him that he doesn't try to purposely sabotage is harder than you'd think."
"I can imagine." Charles chuckles before his phone buzzes. "Speaking of sometimes difficult. I have to go. I'll see you later, y/n."
"Oh yeah, um see you later." Y/n nods feeling her face burn, but he's already gone answering his phone in French which is beyond her knowledge of language. Though she'd love to be taught French.
2022
Charles has broken up with Charlotte and is single.
Max has been poking her about getting the courage to go and try with Charles.
But it felt like the wrong time and instead she decided to just befriend him properly, hoping to at least become a more significant person in his life and get to know him more.
No progress in the romance side but their friendship is blooming.
"Y/n." Charles smiles spotting her in the paddock as he arrives only just behind her making her turn quickly and smile tiredly. "Oh you look tired, are you alright?"
"Yeah...Red Bull has a lot going on with a competition for the livery and it's more complicated to arrange Than the social media manager thought so instead...I've been told to handle it."
"You can always hide away in the Ferrari unit...we might need to get you a disguise." Charles jokes then putting an arm around her in a one armed hug that she does slightly fall into.
"One day I might just take you up on that. Purely out of curiosity of what it's like in there." Y/n giggles before she looks at him.
"You are always welcome...just not in your uniform."
"Well, maybe I'll get the courage to accept the invitation one day." Y/n hums, eyes lighting up while Charles smiles at her. "I should go, but I'm sure I'll see you later...especially if I'm running to hide from Christian and Max."
2023
Despite what felt like progress, coming into 2023. Charles had a new girlfriend. She's perfect and honestly y/n was sure that no other woman would be nearly adequate for Charles after that.
They didn't grow to have the same closeness in the beginning of 2023 as they did at the end of 2022. Y/n invested making Red Bull's social media and also taking on the duties of Max's accounts via his request since apparently he trusts her.
But then Alex stopped appearing shortly after Silverstone and Charles' efforts to get y/n's attention were active again. In fact they weren't just active, they were painfully obvious to everyone else in the paddock.
"You realise Charles is trying to get your attention right?" Danny states as he joins the Red Bull guys for yet another social media post.
It's getting more and more obvious to y/n (and the res of the world) with every request for y/n that post Danny on social media, he could be making his return to the Red Bull team faster than Checo understands.
"I wouldn't-"
"None of your business." Y/n states cutting Max off since the world reigning world champion has learned the hard way not to talk about it.
It’s not as if y/n is really mad about it she just doesn’t want other people in her business. The paddock can be a cruel place to recieve judgement especially on relationship or in this case not a relationship.
“Told you.” Max sighs while y/n smiles gamely and raises her middle finger only for Danny to capture the moment between the two on camera.
“Say hello to Instagram.” Danny instructs earning a fake smile.
Only a couple hours later, y/n is with Charles again and this time around Charles seems to be building up to something.
"Y/n, I was thinking. We should go on a date." Charles states making her look at him in shock of the fact he even asked.
"I'd love to." Nearly 5 years of crushing on this man and this could actually finally be the dream come true.
They arrange the date for after the race and it turns into the first of many. Then they start travelling together and by the São Paulo gp, the two are inseparable unless in the paddock when they both have to divide to their teams.
But what really made headlines was "Charles Leclerc switches teams for romance? Ferrari driver spotted kissing Red Bull dressed team member"
Y/n yawns waking up beside Charles grinning as yet another morning proves this isn't a dream but's it's real. She really is waking up with a man that she'd always thought would be the perfect partner but always just beyond her reach.
"You are staring." Words he says too much, but has no idea he is not the only one to say it when it comes to her watching Charles with unwavering eyes.
"I like looking at beautiful things." Y/n's smiles before she giggles when he looks at her raising an eyebrow. "Good morning."
"Good morning, mon amour." Charles smiles moving over to her and kissing her softly. "You are so beautiful. But you never let me stare."
"Because it's intimidating when you stare. It's like you're looking into my soul and finding things I didn't even know existed there."
Y/n isn't foolish enough to think that she's the only one fortunate enough to love Charles, but she knows for certain not one of those girls before loved Charles the way that she loves him. But even more than that, Charles loves her in a way that he's never loved another girl before too.
574 notes · View notes
shina913 · 1 year
Text
Flowerworks | KNJ
Tumblr media
Flowerworks
Tumblr media
Pairing: Namjoon x Fem!Reader
Rating: M (SFW)
Genre: Exes; pure angst; fluff
Warnings: a lot of angst; pining; meet-cute; suggestive language; missed opportunities; vague infidelity
Word count: 4,241 words
Summary: “The love you had in your past...unfinished, untested, lost love...seems so easy, so childish to those who chose to settle down. But it’s actually the purest, most concentrated stuff.”
A/N: This story was inspired by an anthology series that I had binged while I had Covid back in January this year. For a while, I've been wanting to do a rendition of that but I wasn't sure which member to 'cast.' But Indigo has such a great inspiration so I've revisited this draft and thought Namjoon would be the perfect angsty main character here. Also, Kelly Price's rendition of As We Lay was a good inspo for this as well, except it's got none of the spicy stuff and you're left with all angst!
A/N2: I've never been to the UK or Europe 🤡 so a lot of this is just talking out of my ass hoping it would make for an interesting backdrop. I apologize for any geographical inaccuracies. This isn't the first time I've mentioned Juan Luna in my fics--I just thought, wouldn't it be cool if Namjoon studied Filipino impressionists🤪. Anyway, hope the story still lands! 💙
Tumblr media
“Thank you so much for the presentation, Dr. YLN. It was so refreshing to hear a new take on a subject that’s so rarely…uhm, what’s the word…”
“Discussed? Thought of?” You finish their sentence for them. You smile warmly at a young journalist who was covering your lecture as part of a feature piece they were doing for a magazine. After the program ended, they decided to come up for a side conversation.
“Yes, that’s right,” the journalist says. “Your perspective is so fascinating to me. I mean–when we were in grade school, these lessons were just so repetitive and boring. It’s practically a bird course,” they chuckled.
“Right, because you’re supposed to just fly right through it?” You joked. You, too, had that impression when you were much younger. 
“Your research style is so much more interesting. I was elated to find out that you’re the historical consultant on that ‘Ilustrados’ series!”
You tried your best to stay humble but deep down, you were still pinching yourself about getting to work with a major studio and top-tier production team. “I saw it as a great opportunity for us history and literature majors to flex a little, you know?” Then you caught yourself and laughed. “Oh my god, that sounded so nerdy,” you flushed.
“Not at all! Don’t be too modest,” they giggled. “I think it’s great that we get to give stories like this a new angle.”
You smiled and mouthed your thanks.
“I’m curious, do you remember what or who inspired you to pursue history as one of your fields of expertise?”
You grew flustered then blew out a quick breath. “Wow, uhm…nobody’s ever asked me that!”
“I don’t have to include it,” the journalist adds.
Your brows furrowed. “Include what?”
“That story that’s written all over your face,” they say with a knowing look.
“Oh, well…I think I’ve always been on track to study literature in some shape or form. That was my chosen major in college. Pursuing a career in history, however…was a happy accident,” you recall fondly.
They smiled excitedly. “Please tell me more,” they urged.
You stifle a grin. It was one of, if not the most unforgettable time in your life. If you could ever capture lightning in a bottle–that was the moment to do it.
You began, “He was an art history major spending a year in France while I was a language and literature major spending a semester in London. I met him while on holiday at a cafe in Paris–” 
“Hang on! I think I’ve heard this story before!” They interject.
You give them a confused look. Up until this moment, you’ve only spoken about him to your former flatmate and a couple of close friends. “Y-you have?” You ask slowly.
They let out a soft chuckle. “I’m sorry, I’m kidding! Is that real?”
You laughed. “Yes, yes it is!”
“You know, most people are like–we met in college, lost touch for a while, then ran into each other on the street years later and had coffee.”
“Well…it does sound like quite the Hallmark movie plot, huh? The place we were at was certainly the perfect backdrop for it,” you smiled at the memory. “But, as unbelievable as it sounds, if it weren’t for him sparking my…” You cleared your throat, “...Enthusiasm in the subject and history in general–I wouldn’t be in this position today.”
It was indeed a serendipitous time in Paris, which began as a casual encounter over drinks, then eventually led to hours of exploring historic art districts with him. The day trips around the city certainly brought your interest in history to a whole different level.
“W-what happened to him?”
You shrug your shoulders. “After my break, I had to return to London. He wanted to come with me but he had some travel commitments with his fellow students. We agreed to meet at my place but–it just…didn’t work out for some reason.”
The journalist listened intently, indulging you in your story.
“I don’t know what happened. I thought we had a great connection. I mean, wasn’t that as perfect an opening to a relationship that you can get? Back then, I would go back and forth trying to think about how different it felt for me than it did for him.” 
For a moment, you felt yourself slip again. But as you had done for the past several years, you smiled and shook your head to brush the memory aside to lock it away. Then, at your most vulnerable, you can unpack it again. You wave them off, “Anyway, that was such a long time ago, though!”
“How long?” They ask curiously.
“10 years,” another voice answered.
For that fraction of a second, your heart drops to your stomach, and you’re afraid to look up. This has to be another figment of your imagination. Still, you couldn’t help thinking about the times you wished to hear that voice again.
The journalist steps aside to clear the path. You finally peer up, blinking a few times to assure yourself that this was real.
There he was, standing in front of you–your lightning in a bottle…Namjoon. He had the biggest smile on his face and it was just as warm and bright as you remember it. 
Suddenly feeling that they’ve intruded in a special moment, the journalist excuses themself and thanks you for the lovely conversation, promising to send you the initial draft of their feature via email.
As stunned as you were, you managed to string some words together. “I can’t believe it’s really you.”
“Hello, YN,” Namjoon greeted you as he moved closer.
“H-hi.” You were shocked to hear how calm your voice sounded when all you wanted to do was melt into a puddle.
You both stand in front of each other not knowing whether to shake hands or hug. Before you knew it, you were throwing your arms around his neck to embrace him. You feel his warmth envelop you, hearing him sigh faintly into your hair.
“It’s been a long time,” you say after pulling away. “Weren’t we supposed to meet in London?”
//FLASHBACK
When you met in Paris, he was only one of the handful of patrons who spoke English at the cafe. You don’t know how exactly your conversation began, but he started spouting some facts about craft beer as opposed to wine–and tried to convince you that one was better than the other.
After a few spirited arguments, you agreed to settle things…back at his flat, which was a block away from the cafe. Your worked out your differences in opinions in bed, eventually agreeing to disagree after he made you orgasm.
He later confessed that the spontaneous debate was a pickup tactic from him. He thought he was being clever but never expected you to offer up some valid points. But you told him that you thought he was cute so you were all-too-willing to be reeled in anyway.
Though you were on break, he was in the middle of his school term and had to spend time traveling within the city to check out recommended sites to fulfill his course requirements. 
He invited you to come with him on a day trip to check out the former studio of an artist who turned out to be instrumental in their home country's rebellion. You were apprehensive but came with an open mind--and you never regretted it.
You spent the evening at his place once more...and a few more times after that. Your favorite thing was waking up next him in the mornings, exchanging innocent kisses in bed that always escalated to the point where one or both of you would end up moaning each other's name.
But when you weren’t in bed, you spent many hours just talking. He was so passionate about his studies as much as you were about yours. The way he spoke about art, its origins, and inspirations was so reverent, it was fascinating to experience a drop of his enthusiasm.
The day you had to return to London was difficult, not just for you but for him, too. He and a few of his fellow students were supposed to travel to Rouen and spend a few days there to check out some impressionist exhibits recommended by their teacher. He planned to take the ferry to visit you right after.
When you arrived at the train station, he noticed that he lost his phone somewhere between the ride from his flat to this point. You dug into your bag and retrieved an old receipt where you wrote your number and address down. He took it and slid it in between his book that he carried with him. Then, on the week that you were supposed to meet, the borders shut down.
//END FLASHBACK
“I’m sorry I’m late.”
“Mm-hm…you better be,” you respond wryly.
He rubbed at the back of his neck sheepishly. “I, uh…missed my alarm then, got caught up in the border lockdown. Before I knew it, I was stranded in Normandy for a bit before the school managed to make arrangements to get us back to Paris then back home.”
You’ll never forget it, since you, too, were stuck in a foreign land so far away from family.
“How come you never called?” It was a question that niggled at you for years.
He chewed at his bottom lip helplessly. “In the midst of all the chaos, I misplaced my book–the one where I kept that receipt where you wrote down your information.”
That all sounded too easy and far-fetched. But in the week that you spent with him, it wasn’t that hard to believe. He nearly left his passport behind at the bar that first night before going back to his flat; Once, he got off at the wrong stop after mixing up north and southbound trains.
You sighed. “Well…you’re here now. That’s all that matters, right? How did you know I’d be here?”
He smiled wistfully. “I saw your picture in one of our e-newsletters I get at work,” he answers. “I normally send those straight to my trash but something told me that I needed to take a look at it and…I’m sure glad that I did.”
That made your heart flutter. You made a mental note to thank the university’s Communications team for convincing you to do a headshot to promote the lecture series.
“Do you live around the area? Are you local?”
He shook his head gently. “No. I made the trip out here because I wanted to come see you.”
Your mouth falls open at his confession. “O-oh.”
“I wondered if I could take you out for dinner? There’s a bistro that I passed not too far from here. U-unless…you’ve already eaten–”
You snorted loudly then interjected, “Oh, please–you know I could always eat!” He laughs hysterically.
******
“Have you ever gone back?”
His eyes flick up at your question but the look he gave told you that you didn’t need to clarify it further.
“Mm-hm,” he answered affirmatively before adding, “Not as often as I’d like, though. And you?”
“Yeah,” you reply. “Actually, a year after travel restrictions eased up, I went back right away.”
His eyebrows lifted. “Really?”
You nod and look at him enigmatically. “I went straight to Villa Dupont.”
Remembering the area so clearly, his lips twitch at the thought. “Luna’s atelier?”
You nodded again. He sat back on his chair then interlocked his fingers behind his neck before he tilted his head against them. “Wow. That’s…amazing!”
“What can I say? That’s where my career started,” you quipped.
“And here I was, thinking that I was such an idiot for taking this beautiful girl on the most boring, mind-numbing walking tour of Asian impressionist artists.”
You both laughed, but those walks with him were one of the best memories of your time there.
“Anyway, I came back a few more times after that for my doctoral dissertation. And now here I am, giving lectures on it.”
The look on his face showed pride and admiration. All those hours you spent talking, you both shared your dreams and hopes for the future. You both had your head in the clouds…just two kids trying to justify the relevance of your respective liberal arts programs.
“That’s amazing. Consider me envious,” he says in jest. “You’re traveling around the world…and living your dream.”
You wave him off. “It’s not so glamorous. These days, I’m happy if I get to squeeze in some personal time. Usually, I get to a place, spend most of my time working and…” Your eyes drift down to your left hand, picking up your drink, “...then I have to get back to my family.”
He follows your line of vision. It wasn’t the first time he’s clocked in the piece of jewelry you’ve worn for a number of years now. He noticed it when you took the menu from the host after they sat you down at your table. 
He hadn’t asked about it then, nor did you ask him about the ring that he wore on his finger when he moved his wine glass to the edge of the table when the server returned to pour him a glass of red wine.
You cleared your throat. “So, what else have you been up to these days? Are you just calling up former lovers?” You teased him.
A low laugh rumbled within his chest. “I’ve only ever had one former lover,” he held up one finger and stared. It was so unnerving, you had to break eye contact first. “Then, I got married. Really quickly…to the first girl that I met a year after I got back from France.”
You couldn’t hide the shock written all over your face. “Wow,” you managed to say. “That’s…” You try to think of a word that didn’t sound too reproachful. 
“Crazy? Impulsive? Yes. I was really young and I thought the world was ending. I just didn’t want to lose anybody again.” he trailed off. 
You and your husband were together for five years before you even thought about getting married. Maybe you were unconsciously holding out hope that you’d run into Namjoon again.
You swallowed the lump in your throat and smiled sadly at the thought, but that was quickly interrupted by the server bringing your dinner to the table.
******
You go through the rest of dinner talking about your most recent work and him sharing some of his more recent projects. When the server returns to dish out your plates, they ask about dessert. Namjoon declined but immediately looked at you.
“Oh, no thank you,” you declined politely.
Namjoon’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Who are you? I could have sworn that moelleux au chocolat was calling your name,” he teases, remembering your favorite treat that you indulged in while you were together.
“Shut up,” you laughed. “We’re not 21 anymore. You can’t…eat chocolate cake just like that.”
“Not even in bed?” The soft crinkle in his eyes deepened as he smiled cheekily. 
You try to put aside those memories of chocolate and him. You cock a serious eyebrow at him, his expression unchanging. “Nope, not even in bed.”
You fall silent for a bit. Then he asks, “How many kids do you have?”
“Two girls. You?”
“I have a son,” he answers.
“Must be blissful to just have one,” you commented, polishing off your wine.
“Oh, trust me,” he says, picking up the bottle to pour you another glass but you hold your hand up, feeling like you’ve had more than enough for the night. “He’s still a handful, though.” he laughs, proceeding to empty out the rest of the bottle’s contents into his glass.
“But he’s my handful, so…” he trailed off, setting the empty wine bottle on the table.
“Are you and your wife still together?” You thought maybe the question was out of line but curiosity was getting the best of you.
His expression turns wistful. “We live under the same roof, let’s put it that way. She’s a great woman, a good mother. And I don’t deserve her.”
You smiled sadly at him, then stared at him silently. You begin to question why you even decided to come with him. Perhaps it was all a big mistake.
And yet, even though it's been so long, your memories of him were so incredibly vivid that you could just reach your hand out and you'd feel them. Feel him.
“What are we doing here, Namjoon? Why did you show up at my lecture? What did you hope to achieve?”
“Honestly?” His eyes flicked downward and he began to fidget with a loose thread on the table cloth.
“When I found out that you’d be in town, I booked a room within five minutes.” He chuckled. “I didn’t even care if the rate was ridiculous…”
Then, his gaze lifted back to your face. “I was hoping that we could pick up where we left off."
Your hand instinctively clutches at your chest. Your heart was beating so fast, you were afraid that it would just burst out of it.
"For 10 years, I imagined what our life would have been like. And if I ever saw you again, would I feel the same way about you? Would you feel the same way about me?”
You purse your lips and lean in closer. “You didn’t need to book a hotel room to find out if we still love each other…” You paused, then gave him a small smile. “Because clearly, we still do.”
His lips curved into a smile and the dimples in his cheeks grew deeper.
“For 10 years…Just the idea of you, knowing that you existed and that you were in my life…I held onto those memories and they got me through some tough times.” Your throat tightens but right before your tears fall, he reaches across the table, holding his hand out, beckoning you to put your hand in it.
After some hesitation, you acquiesce. He gives it a gentle squeeze, then brings it up to his lips to kiss it. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.”
******
You took a leisurely walk by the avenue and into a small pub a few blocks away. You shared a few more drinks and stories. For hours, you caught up with each other’s lives. 
You excitedly talk to him about your new television project while he enthusiastically describes recently studying works by the late Yun Hyong Keun, even developing a friendship with his family.
Art was Namjoon’s pride and joy. His eyes, though the corners were now wrinkled with laugh lines several years later, still lit up the same way when he talked about his passions and the things that he loves.
When one pub closed, you moved into another. And when that closed, you moved your conversation to a park bench, right outside of your hotel by the waterfront.
It was a little after 5:30AM and daylight was breaking through the horizon. Most of the town’s commercial avenue was still asleep, save for the cafes that were gearing up for a new day for early-morning patrons.
When you sat down next to him, he lifted his arm up, inviting you to sidle up closer to him. And you did. You basked in his warmth and rested your head against his chest. You caught a whiff of him…cinnamon and coffee mixed in with faint traces of lavender-scented fabric softener. Even though you felt fatigue set in, you couldn’t close your eyes. You crane your neck up to find him sitting still with eyes closed while the sunrise kisses his face. Now, how could you possibly miss that?
******
You head back into the hotel and go up to your respective rooms only to retrieve your things so you could check out and head to the train station.
“You don’t have to take me, really–”
“I know I don’t have to but I want to,” he insisted.
You laugh at him. “You’ve gone and rented out a room that you didn’t even sleep in. Now you’re saying that you’re going to take the train with me, see me off at my stop, then transfer at a station that’s completely out of the way for you?”
He laughed in return. “It sounds so crazy when you put it that way but…yes, I want to do all that.”
You shook your head at how ridiculous that was. “Joon…”
“Please? Just let me do this,” he all but pleads.
You wanted to protest again but instead, when you open your mouth, a yawn escapes you.
“Look at you…that’s like, the fifth time in a row you’ve yawned,” he snickered.
“Spare me,” you chuckled with a slight eyeroll. “I know we barely slept when we were together. Now I can barely keep my eyes open.”
“Dawn is for lovers…and bakers,” he adds with a grin while his eyes peered up at a bakery that had just turned over its ‘open’ sign on the front door.
Your cheeks flushed with warmth. “You always had a way with words.”
“Things haven’t changed much,” he replied as you made your way out of the hotel to catch a cab together.
******
Hours later, the train approaches your stop, and you begin to gather your things.
“Thank you,” you say to him.
He smiled wordlessly then dipped his head down. You didn’t stop him and instead, met his kiss halfway. Warmth bloomed within your chest when your lips brushed against each other’s. In an instant, you had traveled back in time…back into his embrace. It was like coming home.
The train comes to a halt, making you bump against each other. Pulling away, you stare at each other with half-lidded eyes. Both your pulses raced but ironically, there was a calm that washed over you.
Neither of you said anything for a few beats until a smile broke through his lips. It’s so infectious that you do the same. He leans in again and plants a soft, lingering kiss on your forehead. You find yourself squeezing your eyes shut.
When he lets go of you, he looks into your eyes again. “We should do this again.”
His invitation was so unexpected that it knocked the wind out of you. You give him a small smile and a nod. “Sure, just call me.”
“I definitely will. You know, since I have my phone with me now instead of an old receipt,” he says.
You gather your things and off-board the train hand-in-hand. You put your luggage down then faced each other on the platform.
“So…have a good life!”
Your comment tickles him. “‘Have a good life’?” he echoed. “That sounds like something people say when they won’t see each other again.”
You didn’t really mean anything by it. You thought it sounded better than saying, ‘That was fun,’ or ‘Take care.’
You chuckled at him and shrugged. “You never know what could happen between now and the next time we see each other again. I could die; you could hit your head and fall into a coma; another border lockdown could happen, or…maybe one of us decides that they want something else,” you reply casually.
He took a step to narrow the gap between you. “I’ve always loved your wild imagination,” he says, tucking a few strands of your hair behind your ear.
You grinned at him. “So you’ve told me.”
His expression turned serious. “Well, none of those things will happen. We’ll see each other again.” he promises, keeping his eyes locked with yours.
You nodded softly and gave him a small smile. “Alright.”
His smile grew wider and you tilt your chin up to kiss his lips again before his train home arrives on the other side of the platform. You watched him board and saw that he sat by the window seat, his eyes still on you.
True love in its absolute form has many purposes in life. It’s not just about bringing children into the world; or romance or soulmates or even lifelong companionship. The love you had in your past...unfinished, untested, lost love...seems so easy, so childish to those who chose to settle down. But it’s actually the purest, most concentrated stuff.
For years, you imagined what it would be like to see him again. To learn that things hadn’t changed and that spark between you was just as bright and electric as when you first made eye contact.
And while you were happy to learn that he still felt the same way, just like any spark, there’s a brightness for a few seconds…before the wind blows it out. Like a firework that shoots up into the sky, bursting into different colors, only to fall back down as smoke and ash. Like a bolt of lightning, crackling through the storm clouds, followed by a loud thunderclap and a burst of rain.
Up until the last few hours, you realized that something this good can only last for so long. 
You had your beautiful moment with him. And that’s how it will always stay in your heart.
When the train rain pulls away from the station, you feel a twinge in your chest. You blew him a kiss and stood there silently until he was far enough away from you.
He waved at you through the window then turned to look straight ahead.
“Have a good life, YN,” he whispered to himself.
Tumblr media
Crossposted on AO3 | Main Fic Masterlist
You’ve reached the end! Thank you so much for reading!
If you loved it, please comment, reblog, or send me feedback! 📩. I love hearing from readers! If you didn’t like it so much, I would still like to hear about it. Help me become a better writer! 💜
Tumblr media
Tagging: @internetjunkdrawer @deepseavibez @itdoesntmatterwhy @joonschocochip @yu-justme @e-cm
153 notes · View notes
lycanlovingvampyre · 1 year
Text
MAG 161 Relisten
Activity on my first listen: cutting the Kolkwitzia amabilis (also know as beauty bush?? apparently?) in my garden.
I think it was the right move to keep the story as they envisioned it. Covid was a massive event that nobody could have foreseen in this detail (like, we knew there's the danger of more zoonotic diseases due to humans and animals living so close to each other on such a grand scale, but like not when and how exactly it would be). It was very unfortunate to be timed so close, but as they said: writing and some of the production happened before the pandemic. There was no way they could have taken this into consideration during production. And as far as I know, a lot of people found TMA during the pandemic and it kept them company during lockdowns.
ALEX: "We will of course continue to provide content warnings in the show notes for every episode, and we advise everyone to check these even if customarily you don't." Me, being like "I don't need content warnings! I've walked through 30 years of my life with a few horrible things and I never needed content warnings for any of the 450+ horror movies I’ve seen, and that number doesn’t even include horror TV shows or short stories". Also me, after the show "Uhhhh, maybe there is something to content warnings..." Don’t be me, check the content warnings, take your time.
The new logo looks really cool, but I miss the old one in the YouTube videos. That smoke effect just doesn't work that well with the new logo. Also I think the logo was a bit of a spoiler, as I immediately suspected the tapes might be Web.
MARTIN: "Sorry, sorry; Tim wanted to surprise you, and –" TIM: "Snitch." Oh god, this is harmful to Martin on two levels... Number one: Jon still "hated" him back then. Jon didn't seem too happy about the surprise. So Martin's alarm bells go off and he tries to protect himself from potential angry Jon fallout. And then number two, Tim as well "attacks" him (even if he only meant it teasingly, it did sounds a bit on the annoyed side). But you know that's the thing with some situations like this, social anxiety, bullying... You start to get hyper-vigilant and hyper-reactive to the emotions of others as a defense mechanism. Recognize danger before or when it's already rising to keep yourself safe.
MARTIN: (hmph) "Well – I preferred going out for ice cream anyway." I talked about this before in discussions about Jon's and Martin's age and I think Martin's birthday is sometime between May and early September. That's at least the ice cream season in Central Europe. Of course they cooould have gone to a dedicated ice cream saloon at any time of the year (how are those doing financially in winter? I've always wondered about that...), buuuut let's look at the timeline. I still think Gertrude died in March and not in May and that thing in MAG 25 was an error and at first done to give the statement even more fuckery. So our Archives team started in Spring 2015 (maaaybe early Summer, if you want to keep May a possibility). Martin has already had his birthday before they celebrated Jon's here. Jon's birthday is sometime between Summer 2015 and Spring 2016 (cause then they're been working in the Archives for a year). And on July 29th 2016 the Archive was attacked by Prentiss and Sasha died. That would also kind of mean that Martin is older than Jon and I love that idea because I think Jon hated that XD (Aside from him already thinking Martin's older than him because Martin also cheated with his age...)
SASHA: "Yes, you were there!" MARTIN: "You had – rum and raisin, and taught us all about emulsifiers." Also part of the defense mechanism of hyper-vigilance. Trying to remember everything. Also rum and raisin? Jon really tried to push the I'm old-image.
ELIAS: "Knock knock." Who is it, Mr. Spider. It's Mr. Bluebottle. And he's brought you a cake.
ELIAS: "He didn’t have to. Nothing escapes my notice, and I like to keep an eye out for this sort of thing." I had a boss like this once xD Whenever someone brought pastries, he was immediately there! He has unintentionally built himself a small reputation around the office. He once told me, he of course knows about that, but one time he did not immediately jump at the chance and then there was nothing left for him. So he will keep up with being known as the sweet-tooth who's always the first, otherwise he might miss out xD
ELIAS: "So, how old is the birthday boy?" JON: "Uh – thirty-eight." SASHA: "Liar." And by assuming he just made himself 10 years older, we have his actual age!
EVERYONE: "Happy birthday, dear –" TIM, SASHA, MARTIN: "– Jo-on." ELIAS: (simultaneous) "– Archivist." Smug, disgusting, grooming bastard...
JON: "If I wish for you all to go away, do you think it’ll work?" T__________T
JON: "You know that there’s a lot of tannin in tea as well?" In black and green tea, yes, but only after letting it steep for more than 2 minutes.
JON: "Hang on, have you been recording this?" [CLOTHING RUSTLING.] TIM: "Oh! Yeah! I – just thought it might be nice, you know, something to look back on when we’re all old and sick of each other." T__________T Especially that coming from Tim... Also Tim doing the hidden tape recorder thing here...
MARTIN: (gentle) "Hey." JON: ""Hi." So the breathing sounds and these two words were the first thing I heard of them after MAG 160. And I was so relieved to hear that Jon's still Jon.
MARTIN: "I don’t know. It’s not like there are days to count, anymore, (sigh) all the clocks are stopped, and…" Glad it came up here again, cause that's vital information and I wouldn't have caught that the first time around cause I didn't listen to the trailers.
MARTIN: "Well, just as well I don’t remember my dream." JON: "I do." MARTIN: "What?" It's pretty dark, but it's humor, I’ll take it!
MARTIN: (trying) "Bit of a hideaway?" JON: "Or a prison." MARTIN: "..Yes. Still, better than outside." More of the Martin-tries-to-salvage-the-situation-at-least-a-little-bit and Jon-is-unable-to-see-any-hope-or-other-positive-views-whatsoever... It does make so much sense for both characters.
JON: "Y-Yes. It – It doesn’t want to harm me." MARTIN: "And me?" JON: "I won’t let it." Hell yeah! Also a bit of a first glimpse of Jon-being-a-demigod
MARTIN: "Jon, it’s not your fault." JON: (sharp) "Martin, can we not do this again?" T__________T God, this episode...
JON: "I’m just – I’m mourning a world I killed –" MARTIN: (overlapping, placating) "I know –" JON: (increasingly fervent) "and we’re all trapped in its rotting corpse!–" MARTIN: (strict, end of discussion) "Enough, Jon." Oh god, Jon sounds as if he's about to cry any second after that "rotting corpse" and Martin is losing his patience a bit there. I get it, he doesn't want Jon hurting and it’s frustrating.
That is such a twisting-the-knife move to actually have a tape wherein Gertrude warns about... everything! I mean, we see how much is destroys Jon.
GERTRUDE: "They do not rule our world, but they do exercise considerable power, which they generally manifest in the form of monstrous beings that spread further fear – or, incarnations, those humans who have willingly, though not always knowingly, chosen to take on the power of these entities." God I LOVE how the music picks up at "or, incarnations"! I think it’s the same track as in MAG 9, when the Lightless Beast knocks on the door! Cause that part of the music picking up also really got me in MAG 9.  Ahhh, I miss the S1 tracks...
GERTRUDE: "I’ve managed to keep the Archives in a state of chaos for decades, as I believe his plan would benefit from their organization. But I leave that to your judgement." Come to think of, is this actually the first time we hear that it was not neglect, but fully intentional to keep the Archives in such chaos?
GERTRUDE: "A place… (she sighs) A place that will often demand a high price from you." That sigh and that pause. So it did nag a bit on her? Sacrificing so many people?
GERTRUDE: (overlapping) "Do you know the gas main, a little way out in the tunnel?" LEITNER: "I do." GERTRUDE: "I need you to move it." Ah yes, more foreshadowing! We already heard about that gas main in MAG 68. And about Gertrude using gas mains to blow up places of Beholding in MAG 53.
GERTRUDE: "If my guess is right, the Church’s ritual should be collapsing any time now, so – immediately." Hmm, so that is probably the second to last recording of Gertrude. I wonder why she didn't talk about her theory of the single-entity-rituals might be doomed to fail anyway.
JON: "Can you imagine? If we’d had this?" MARTIN: "But we didn’t, did we." JON: "No –" MARTIN: "So there’s no point in dwelling. (heavy breath) John, I – This isn’t healthy." Aw man, there are times I've been so much like Jon. And there's no way around it, you just can't help it in that moment.
JON: "Healthy? I am an Avatar of voyeuristic terror, who unquestioned craving for knowledge has condemned the entire world to an eternity of torment; healthy i-isn’t – i,it’s not –" First of all: Theater kid... Second, I think it was totally necessary for us as audience that Jon spoke out loud how exactly he thinks that this was all his fault.
MARTIN: "It just – It hurts me to see you wallowing like this." JON: (snapping) "Well, some of us weren’t able to cut ourselves off from the world before it ended." Hmmm, it is so hurtful, but also feels so real. Jon saw it as... an accusation? Like, and now Martin says, he's feeling bad because of me because of course everything is my fault, but maybe if Martin had been there just a little bit before all of this, maybe it wouldn't have happened! (Dwelling again...)
MARTIN: "That’s not fair." JON: "No, it’s not; I’m – I’m sorry, I just – (large shaky breath) It hurts." Martin having a quite reasonable approach. He knows it's not Jon's fault. He knows, the general period with Peter wasn't what caused this (Cause later we hear he very well feels conflicted about his choice in the panopticon). There is no one else at fault but Jonah Magnus.
MARTIN: "A way to stop this, a way to turn the world back!" JON: (softer) "Do you really think there is one?" MARTIN: "Well, if there is, it’s not in here, is it?" Hmmm, Martin's definitely right there... But I can also understand Jon's wish to stay at the cabin. Even without that supernatural cabin-makes-them-want-to-stay-because-it-seems-safe...
JON: "No, it’s – (sigh) I love you, I just – (inhale) I need more time." AAAAAAAAAh <3
MARTIN: "Hey – Hey, when did you start recording?" JON: (confusion) "I – didn’t. I only brought one, and I’ve been using it to play the tapes." MARTIN: "Oh. (sigh) That’s not a great sign." JON: "No. No, it’s not." A bit in conflict with the trailer because Jon addresses the recorder about exactly that... Oh hang on, I guuuuuuess we could possibly see the trailer as happening after this? There is nothing that would contradict it, is there? Especially Martin's "You still… (sigh) Feeling it, seeing everything?" could be seen as reference to the conversation in MAG 161. Earlier, in the first scene of Jon and Martin it sounds like Jon describes his "seeing all the terror outside" as if he's laying that out for Martin for the first time. I wooould say it could possibly be due to the nature of Martin being a bit bewitched by the cabin (like not noticing tea is not!tea), buuuuut this doesn't work with Jon's confused reaction right here in MAG 161. (Also, I'd say it’s not necessarily a bad sign, as it indicated that there is indeed something that it still wants to hear!)
@a-mag-a-day
20 notes · View notes
whotf-atemywaffles · 7 months
Text
Stick Season
Tumblr media
Bucky Barnes x reader No use of Y/N idk if there are any Tw's if there are let me know and i will update asap ( only ones i can think of are ) TW: Depression, events of endgame, not proofread
Summary:After being left heartbroken by Bucky, you research how to bring back those lost to the Snap and finally succeed with Scott Lang's help. You find Bucky in Romania, realizing you still love each other. You both return to the Avengers compound and catch up with the team. You vow to never let anything come between you again and fight to protect the world together.
1 day. 1 day was all it took, all it took for everything to be destroyed. You sighed as you lifted your head from your hands as you thought about how Bucky had promised you that you were more than all the miles combined. you and Bucky had attempted to try long-distance, while you were on a mission that required you to stay a few states away, the team could visit you; and as everyone says, it never works out, and as cliché as it sounds you replied with, Yeah but we will be different, oh how wrong you were…Bucky had promised you that you were worth more than any amount of miles he would drive to see you..but You had assumed he changed his mind; you were on the phone talking as bucky was driving too you, talking about everything and nothing all at once. Eventually his voice trailed off, exactly as he passed the exit sign that would’ve taken him to you, Kept on driving straight and left your future to the right…he must have changed his mind. You sat there, staring blankly at the wall as tears streamed down your face. Everything felt like it was falling apart, and you didn't know how to fix it. You couldn't believe that Bucky had just given up on your relationship like that. All those promises and sweet nothings, gone in an instant.
that was 2 years ago…
Now your mission is finally finished, all you wanted to do was return to the compound, while simultaneously never wanting to go back ever again. on the drive back it had begun to rain, well more downpour, provoking your newly found fear of weather, because you saw his face when it rained. When everything had happened you started to talk to a qualified therapist, who was not at all Bruce Banner…he told you that when you were done with your mission, you should travel. Now that everything is done, half of the world is missing, and there's Covid on the planes.
with a heavy sigh you keep driving, you're still a few hours out, almost there, you would’ve called, but you didn't know who was left, when the battle happened with thanos you ended up in space with Dr strange, Tony, and Peter. as soon as you made it back to earth much to Natasha’s protests you left, returning to your mission. You couldn't help but wonder what had happened to Bucky. Had he moved on? Had he found someone else? The thought made your heart ache. You tried to push it to the back of your mind and focus on the road ahead. 
As you drove, you realised that you didn't know what awaited you at the compound. Who was still alive? Who had been lost to the Snap? Despite your fears, you knew that you had to face whatever was ahead. You took a deep breath and kept driving, ready for whatever came next. You finally arrived at the compound, feeling a mix of relief and anxiety. As you stepped out of the car, you were greeted by a familiar face - Steve Rogers. He gave you a warm smile and a hug, and you felt a wave of emotion wash over you. You spent the rest of the day catching up with the Avengers who had survived the Snap, but one person was still missing. You couldn't help but wonder if Bucky was among the casualties. Natasha had noted you had been different, you laughed less, your eyes were more grey…But she decided not to say anything for the time being, You're no longer funny cause you miss the way he laughed That night, as you lay in bed, afraid of sleeping, because everytime you try you dream of some version of him. you made a decision - you were going to find out how to bring him back, no matter what. You spent the next few weeks pouring over research and talking to anyone who might have information on how to bring back those lost to the Snap. This was impossible. another 3 years passed. nothing, until. you were sitting in the compound with Natasha when Steve walked in, The two were talking, until you hear something on the camera outside, “Em… Hello? I don’t know if you remember me but im scott lang-or-Antman we met in Germany” He said while frantically flailing his arms around similar to one of those wacky inflatable arm-flailing tube men. 
“Is this a recording?” Steve asked. “It's a live feed” I say softly. “Let him in,” Nat says. Scott's arrival brought a glimmer of hope to the team. He explained that he had been trapped in the Quantum Realm during the Snap, but had managed to escape. He believed that the Quantum Realm held the key to reversing the Snap and bringing back those who were lost. The team listened intently as he explained his theory, and together they began to work on a plan to enter the Quantum Realm and retrieve the necessary materials to bring everyone back, with the help of Tony Stark. 
After months of preparation and a gruelling battle, the team was able to reverse the Snap and bring back those who were lost. As you looked around at the faces of your friends and loved ones, you couldn't help but feel grateful for the opportunity to make things right. But there was still one thing missing - Bucky. You knew that you had to find him, no matter what it took. You made a promise to yourself to never give up until you were reunited with the man you loved.
Months passed as you continued your search for Bucky. You followed every lead, talked to every contact, and scoured every corner of the globe. Just when you were about to give up hope, a lead took you to a small village in Romania. You couldn't believe your eyes when you saw him - Bucky, alive and well, but different. he was happy, and it broke your heart for some odd reason, maybe because when he left you were left hollow, drinking alcohol till your friends came home for Christmas, telling yourself you not playing the victim, because he actually just left, out of the blue. To think because of him you gave up being funny, and making jokes, because what's the point if the person you made them for isn’t there to laugh
You took a deep breath and approached him. He looked up and his face lit up when he saw you. You stood there for a moment, taking each other in, until he finally spoke. "I never thought I'd see you again," he said softly, tears in his eyes. “well, isn't that what you wanted?” You ask gently
"I thought it was what I wanted," Bucky replied, his voice barely above a whisper. "But being without you showed me that I was wrong. I was lost without you, and I didn't realise it until it was too late." You both stood there in silence for a moment, as you stand together your reminded of the dreams you had every time you close your eyes or every time it rained, of the man you didn't have, but did not lose
The two of you spent the next few weeks catching up on everything that had happened since you last saw each other. You talked about your missions, your fears, and your hopes for the future. It was as if no time had passed at all. You knew that things wouldn't be easy, that you both had a lot of healing to do, but you were willing to try. You made a promise to each other to never let anything come between you again. As you walked hand in hand through the streets of the small village, you felt as though you had finally found your way back home.
7 notes · View notes
izacore · 1 year
Note
oops… this is a lot longer than it was supposed to be, so sorrry!!
just prefacing this by saying that everything surrounding the asia leg cancellation is so fucked up for all the fans, but i did just want to say how sorry i feel for louis because he just has the worst fucking luck. it’s quite frustrating to see niall and harry do so well and not have these kind of set backs, and i’m not trying to compare or put anyone down, they deserve all the success they have, but it just sucks because louis deserve at least a 10th of that. his music is amazing, i think so many people outside of the current fanbase would love his personality, and he’s inspired and helped so many people. but he just keeps on getting thrown these curve balls. he writes an amazing album, but the numbers don’t represent that. he goes on tour, that gets cancelled. he releases a doc, but there’s barely any media coverage on it. like i get that he’s probably catering this stuff to the fans, but he’s at a point where fandom support is not enough (this is an assumption, but i do think the cancellation is b/c he didn’t meet some sort of ticket/sale quota, otherwise he would’ve given an explanation as to why this happened). anyways, imo he (and harry too) should take some time to figure stuff out. take a step back, maybe write a little music, but mainly just reflect on how far they’ve come (because they’ve achieved so much!!!) and see where they want to go from here. they’re just going going going because they want to keep up the momentum, but i think they’re leaving the fans behind in the process. i get that covid changed so many things and everyone is trying to catch up from the past two years of lockdown, but when you keep on touring and releasing stuff people become overwhelmed, mentally, emotionally, financially. i think that’s kinda where people are at. fans are becoming frustrated with hl. niall on the other hand, everyone is asking when he’s going on tour because people haven’t seen him in over 4/5 years. it’s good to step back, give people a chance to miss you, especially in this kind of industry. i know everyone keeps on saying the same thing over and over again, but yeah… it just sucks. i hope things start getting better for louis, he deserves it.
Hi nonnie, don’t worry I don’t mind long messages.
I agree with you that it's true that Louis cannot catch a break and that in the past he unfortunately had the worst luck, but in this case with the examples you named I just can't absolve Louis completely of the responsibility. The (potential) low ticket sales, fitf's numbers, aotv not making any noise outisde of the fanbase are things that Louis should have some control over and what's lacking is any effort from lthq to... work. You cannot just drop a project, expect fans to carry it and do your job for you and then get disappointed when the outcomes don't meet your expectations. Louis released fitf and then disappeared/went on holidays/went to party in LA/promoted a doc full of lies. How is that going to be sustainable?
Hard agree on Niall and his promo, though. His team is just so smart with reintroducing him to the gp and booking him for festivals before they send him on tour. And in all of his interviews you can see how... mature the approach he has to his art and career has. My friend @louisshomesharry hit the nail on the head yesterday when we were talking, and said that compared to HL, Niall accepts his age and adjusts his career accordingly, meanwhile the boys are still trying to live their early 20s catering to teens cause they don't want to accept they wasted those years on some bullshit. I wish they could both take a step back, slow down, reconnect with each other and then come back when they're rested and matured (and with a duet album ready haha).
16 notes · View notes
Note
hey, it's owhda. how have you been? it's a little bit sad to see no updates on tumblr from you(I mean any, even just a talk) but that just mean there's something else going on in your life and I sincerely hope it's something good. I didn't really know you much but I really thought that you could be a good friend to have. So.. could we get a glimpse into your life? How's your work? What are you interested in right now?
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Hello, hello! It's so nice to see some familiar faces still hanging around this dusty blog! I've missed interacting with you both and Tumblr in general, it's very humbling to know people are reminded of me from time to time. I guess now is as good a time as any to post a little update on what's been going on in my life, how that's affected my writing and what I've got planned for the blog in the coming future. For those who wish to skip the chatter, tldr; I'm hanging on, this will blog will remain online and I do have plans to continue writing.
Tumblr media
Let’s see… where do I even begin? Shortly after May, I’ve received an exciting notice - I was promoted! It’s a goal I’ve been working on for some time so it was quite satisfying to hear the news. Since then it’s been a whirlwind of activities - trying to juggle my new responsibilities and manage my own team took some time getting used to. I’ve worked solo for so long it was difficult to be the ‘leader’. In fact - I still am uncomfortable being one, but I’m starting to get the grasp of it.
I’ve been traveling for work as well and in these few months have been to Japan and UK. Both trips where I fell severely ill because my weak body can’t cross countries without making complaints and making me feel my age. Oh. And I finally got Covid in November which really laid me low for at least 2 weeks. 
I realise my health’s been taking a hit lately. Perhaps its the stress of having more work on my plate and being in a new position but I’ve been getting sick more easily. I’m currently recovering from a throat infection that I got from my UK trip as I write this - so fun times.
So yeah.. it’s been a lot of paperwork, electronic work, a lot of self reflection and remoulding of myself to my real life that really put writing on the back burner. I always wrote at night after work but nowadays I don’t even have the energy for that. If I’m not dead asleep by the time I’m done with work then some infection, flu or cold will get me. 
…and the longer I don’t touch my writing the less I wish to open my WIPs because I have a silly, irrational fear that I no longer write the same way I use to - either I’ve deteriorated or my style’s changed. It’s silly. 
Tumblr media
Good news is that, I think I’ve finally found my pace, my new position is no longer ‘new’ but the norm and I’m slowly finding ways to carve out my own personal time in my new schedule. Which is why I’ve decided to tackle this issue today. To be honest, it’s been a while since I wrote anything fictional, but I’m planning on slowly working through the writing blocks that have built up due to my neglect. I’ve bought 2 new books during my trip in UK so that’s a step in the right direction right?
As some of my older followers would know and recognise by now, I do tend to go through highs and lows when it comes to activity on this blog. It often reflects what’s going on in my personal life haha. But lately, the creative bug that has been out of energy seemed to have been slightly rejuvenated - my habits of hyperfixating on creative mediums is rearing its head again so I know it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m itching to write again. 
About what..? TCF is still on my mind but not as much as before since it’s been some time since I last read its chapters. Lately I’ve been reading Absolute Sword Sense and am keeping up with its chapters so far. I’ve yet to get the newest Fire Emblem game and have been doing great avoiding any and all spoilers so far - but I’m pretty sure it’ll be going on my list of series I’ll write for in the future.
My health issues are to be tackled another day because I’m frankly, quite tired of taking meds. 
As for where I wish to take the blog… hmm.. that’s really a tough decision because I’ve never really had a clear goal in mind when it comes to this blog. It was just a great space to share my thoughts on fandoms and interact with likeminded people. I don’t think I’ll be opening requests for a while since I’ve got a huge backlog of WIPs to work on. I suppose I could attempt to keep the blog less.. dead? Not sure how I’ll go about it though.
Anyways.. that’s about it. Terribly sorry for the word vomit, I hope everyone's been doing well and enjoying your life! If it seems I'm a bit dead without updates, it's usually because there aren't any chatter related inboxes haha. So is this illu's call for random stories to be dropped in their mail? Yes.
20 notes · View notes
sunskate · 8 months
Text
CPom on Polina Edmunds's podcast pt 2:
Choreo from last year- what did it feel like to have the newness in choreography and those names inspiring you C: they're the best choreographers in the world - they produce good programs after good programs - it was a dream to work with them, they bring such a creative energy every day, from Marie-France, Madi, Sam- they have such a vision and a genius about skating. it's a dream to work with A: last year I was coming from an injury and a shortened off season, so everyone came together to strategize what the best music was and how to connect everything together. We're really happy to have had the team we had, because it made my comeback very good
Last season was a breath of fresh air after a couple challenging seasons- missing Nationals in 2020 because of covid, then 2021 finishing 7th at Nationals, Anthony's injury, though you finished the season strong at 4CC with a bronze medal- You came back brilliantly this season- you went to your first Worlds - talk about the impact-
They were in contact with someone who had covid and found out 3 days before they left, didn't have covid but couldn't go to Nationals. C: i wish my test came back positive because at least then would be missing because i was sick. perfectly healthy but had to sit at home. was crying all the time A: pretty devastating - felt like they were in the best shape they could be in. wanted to redeem themselves from not the best performance at Skate America that year. so having that opportunity taken away was devastating. that was when we made the decision to move on from Igor. hard times make better people, but it was hard. also wouldn't have my dog George if it wasn't for that. C: when they got the call [that they couldn't go, Anthony] didn't say anything, but stood up, said I'm getting a dog, and left my house A: i stayed off social media that week [of Nationals], and as soon as it was over, i drove to Ohio to get my dog, George
Support systems- what was it like to move to Michigan without your parents at a young age- how has that impacted your life? C: when I moved, I didn't really speak English (!!!) was really hard communicating with people, i missed my parents so much. now I'm grateful for the experience- I'm super independent, I can easily live by myself, it's taught me a lot, but back then it was hard A: for me I lived with a host family for 2 years. so it was definitely different but it wasn't a big shock. once i moved away around the age of 15/16, it got difficult quickly, because I missed that family dynamic. I missed my parents, my brother - I took it for granted before. time difference [to California where his parents live] made it difficult. learned a lot of valuable lessons. learned independence earlier
Anthony's injury, what was your mental state through surgery -- A: ankle - 2015 a bad sprain early in their career. neglected it. were finally getting international competitions, didn't want to take valuable time away - fought through the pain, some days it was really bad. got worse year after year. got opinion after opinion saying get surgery. then finding time to do it. figured the end of the olympic quad was the best time. and it was a great decision because able to do things now he wouldn't be able otherwise. [about mental space] - we just had had a pretty rocky season. it was a really difficult 3 months of recovery- really was unsure where the partnership was going, if I even wanted to continue skating. took a lot of evaluation of my life, where I wanted to go. beneficial to take a step back and look because i established clear goals for myself and my life To Christina, what was your mental space then- how did you approach the following season after-- C: the transition season from changing coaches was really difficult. the approach to training was so different from what we were used to. before we did it to please other people or out of fear (!!!) and then once we moved, we didn't have that aspect any more. you kind of have to do it for yourself because you like doing it and because you want to get better yourself. and learning that transition was really hard, and you saw that struggle in most competitions. and getting to Nationals, that was a really hard Nationals, The offseason was hard for me as well - there were a few shaky moments, and I was training by myself, long and sometimes it's boring, but once we made clear goals for the following season and got together, we approached training with a completely different mindset, we dove into what the coaches were saying, of trusting their process, trusting their training and really giving everything we have, and it's really paid off. I'm happy we had that rocky season because it's taught us so much, and now our mindset for training and competition is so different than before
What were the goals you set out- C: we had some results goals, but we mostly focused on trusting the process. trusting what we were given that day, if we were tired, that's ok, it's normal, just trusting what our coaches wanted. that was one of our main goals. approaching competition differently -doing it for ourselves, whatever the outcome with judges, points - as long as we're happy with what we did, that was enough. Results- make the world team. we always told ourselves, if we don't make it but we skated our best then that's ok, and it just didn't work out, we'll try harder next season. those were our goals
And you guys did it, congratulations, high five
9 notes · View notes
dancinbutterfly · 1 year
Text
It's funny after being walked away from by a potential significant otheR this time people who know me in-person are not even pretending they believe I'm going to find someone who wants to be my partner long-term.
"You're so great! You're amazing!" everyone who knows me says. But not to want. Not to love. They stress what a good friend I am. What a good clinician. How I have a strong family and adopted family and how I make a difference. How I heal people.
I just may never find someone, they console me, and that's okay they assure me. From safe within their five, ten, twenty year relationships and marriages, often with children.
Oh, is it? Then you come out here, alone, and tell me that.
"Romantic love is not the end all be all!" is the refrain that is told to people who are lonely and want to experience it. It's fine for those who don't already have full lives, who don't already like themselves, who haven't done their healing.
I have a full life. I like myself. I'm healed.
I still want romantic love and a partner. Not sorry. I do.
Reassuring me that romance isn't everything doesn't help me when the rest of my life, is, in fact, awesome. Because this is the piece that is missing for me, actually. Don't you know that if I could excise my longing to be desired, I would cut it out of myself today, this instant? I would. I don't want to want this anymore because all it does is make me feel empty when otherwise I am content and joyful! I know that aroace people are marginalized and oppressed and attack but I would give anything - ANYTHING - to be one of them. Because the loneliness and despair with this incremental death of hope? Feels like my heart being ripped out of me in slow-motion. I'd settle. Hell, I'd probably settle anyway, even though I know it wouldnt actually make me happy, because I also want to be a mom, and I don't want to parent alone, but I dont think that will happen either. The people in my area who I could see being happy with queerplatonically are - you guessed it - coupled up.
Anyway, I know, actually, that there isn't anything wrong with me. I'm just starting to wonder if maybe also I'm not built to be wanted by someone else. If that's the case? God, I wish I could stop yearning for it.
It would genuinely make me happier to have it and yet people who know me in meatspace keep talking to me like I'm fucking crazy. Or they shake their heads and resign me to the never-will pile.
What am I supposed to do?
I can't figure out how turn off the longing any more than I can change my sexual orientation. I can't turn off the ache for someone to hold me, to fuck me, to build a one-on-one intimacy between just me and one other person that is ours, a team of two that grows out of a bond we build together. That's not a thing I know how to do. Do you? Do you know how to make me stop being allo? I would give anything for some fucking support about what to do or how to feel without feeling like an insane incel about th is. But there isn't anything. No one says anything that helps. I talk about it and everyone goes quiet. I have never been faced by so much silence in my life, not even when I was in the pit of my illness did people have so little to say to help me. No one has any solace, not family, not friends, not therapists, not articles on the internet. No one.
Why is there so much support on here for people who don't want anything or for people who want lots of people or people who are forced into the closet but not for people just want one person but can't find anything despite trying and trying and trying?
Why is it that just wanting to be loved and failing to find that love in this post-Covid dating hellscape - when you've spent time becoming a fully formed, reasonably sane person who likes themselves - isn't something you get any support for? Why is loneliness for romantic love the one thing no one seems to have any patience for? Are we so set on on trashing the princess fantasy no one has any grace left for people who do want it?
I don't know.
I know I'm a good friend. Everyone seems to think so.
I'd just like to be a good girlfriend one day.
It's just getting harder to believe I'm capable of wanting with every person who I approach with an open heart who dates me and tells me how great I am - as a person, and a friend, but not as a lover.
21 notes · View notes
Text
Coached my first tournament in nearly a year today. It was an odd way to start, as I’ve hardly even been to practice since last spring. I haven’t properly returned since COVID occurred. I tried in 2022 to go back, it sort of worked, until a ways in 2023 when I got really disillusioned with it and stepped way back. But wasn’t ready to say I’m quitting, because it was my entire life for about 15 years. You can’t just give that all up. I always assumed I’d do it forever. It was the only place where I knew people or knew what was going on.
There was a really little tournament today, in this small town about an hour away. It was this little thing, nearby and unimportant, in the middle of the part of the season that’s full of major championships. My friend talked me into going with her to help coach. It’s only an hour away.
I always said I love the sport, and I meant it. I love the physical feeling of it. I love the back and forth and the way you can get so deeply focused in the middle of a match that you forget everything else exists. I love the high of when a move works and you bring them down, and I even kind of love the sense of just pushing against a wall when it doesn’t work. I love the strategy and all the little things that you can pick out in a video review. I love the competition.
But more than anything else, I’ve realized, when it’s gone what I miss is being part of something. Having a community, a place where I can go and I know who everyone is and they all know me and I know what all the little connections are and how everything works. That seems like the most irreplicable part of it, if I ever closed the door completely on the idea of being involved again (by, for example, moving out to the East Coast or even across the ocean, as I’ve considered doing, and have no really strong reason to stay besides keeping a door open), I don’t think I’d ever find that anywhere else. The very thing that makes that community feel special to me is the number of years I spent getting to know everything in it. You can’t just replace all those years. I could make new friends but I couldn’t make a whole new community. And friends come and go, you don’t want to count on that for your whole social life. They marry women on the other side of the world or they get engaged to women who live here but want to drastically change his social life, or they have brain aneurysms or they try to a fuck a teenager so you have to cut him out of your life. As, you know, a few completely hypothetical example of where four of my friends have gone in the last few years.
Today was definitely about community. It was a tournament mainly for kids aged sixteen and under, not the level of coaching I did pre-COVID. Pre-COVID, I was mainly involved with really competitive team, of the ones aged 16-24 or so, and I was on the road almost every weekend for tournaments that were usually not just an hour away. The GTA (Greater Toronto Area) is 5 or 6 hours away from us (depending on traffic and on which bit of the area it is), and I used to be there all the time, because that’s where the more competitive teams and the bigger tournaments are. We’d go down there every weekend, pile as many coaches and athletes in one truck as we possibly could to save on gas costs, then pile as many as we could into a hotel room or Air B&B or sometimes the floor of the gym where my friend coaches in Toronto, to save on more costs.
And I constantly complained about it, because it’s not fair that athletes from my city have to pay so much more to compete than the ones who live in the GTA, who can just drive an hour in on the morning of the tournament instead of driving 5 hours the night before. But obviously, once it was gone, it was the biggest thing I missed. The road trips home after a tournament, with kids going between loudly signing along to the music, trying to teach my co-coaches and I Arabic (the athletes who rode in the coaches’ truck almost all spoke Arabic, because by and large they were the ones with parents who weren’t rich enough to drive them down – most of the white kids went with their own families), falling asleep on top of each other, and talking shit about their opponents. I wouldn’t trade that for a team that has a little extra money for facilities due to a much lower travel budget, but they don’t get the bonding time. They don’t get the special moments like yelling at 17-year-old for sneaking out of a terrible cheap motel in the middle of night and nearly getting killed.
But today wasn’t that. It was a little tournament in the valley around our area. I knew everyone. So many people whom I hadn’t seen in years. It was gratifying how many came up and hugged me as soon as they saw me, excited to see me because it turns out the community hasn’t forgotten me no matter how long I’ve been gone. I had some really lovely chats with some people I haven’t seen in ages.
But I did remember: being part of a community can get romanticized in my mind really quickly when I haven’t actually done it in a while (you know, like how doing two 5-hour road trips a week for months at a time seems like a beautiful thing when it’s a bit of nostalgia, but would get much more annoying if I started actually doing it again). In actually practice, the thing about being in a whole community, rather than just a small and curated group of friends, is you don’t get to pick who joins that community. Which means that going to spaces where the community is requires being around people you don’t like.
I didn’t realize until today just how lucky I’ve been in the last few years, really since 2020, to have had to spend almost no time in person around people I don’t like. Not that I never have to do that – we had a fun time at Christmas this year when my brother made some racist jokes and I told him they were racist and then my mother started crying because she hates that he and I don’t get along. But mostly, aside from a few exceptions like that, I’ve been able to avoid that feeling of standing in the presence of someone I think is being terrible and having to bite my tongue and try to get along. And I really fucking hate that feeling. I’ve always hated it, obviously. I know everyone hates that feeling, but I think I might hate it more than most people do. Because my friends can do it while seeming only mildly annoying, and it’s always bothered me more than that. Pre-COVID, it was a running joke among my friends that I hold a grudge forever and have no “poker face” for hiding when I can’t stand someone. But I could at least tolerate being in their presence, if I had to. I think that during COVID, my tolerance for that has gone down in the same way an alcohol tolerance would from lack of use. Doing it today made me wonder how I ever used to get through it all the time.
Here is a list of reasons why I disliked various people who were in the room with me today:
- The coach from another city who met his wife by being her high school teacher.
- The ref who’s been posting on Facebook that Israel has a right to defend itself.
- The other coach from that city who voted for the horrifyingly abusive coach to get on the board during the Big Dramatic Elections of 2016 (no not the American ones, the ones for board spots in our region). The coach he voted for has put three athletes in the hospital (that we know of) by forcing them to cut dangerous weight and train while injured, and also drove a friend of mine/first fully qualified female ref in Canada out of the sport by intimidating her into dropping a sexual harassment complaint against him.
- The coach from my team who used to be very close friends with me and then got a girlfriend and stopped talking to me almost entirely, and now they’re engaged so that’s just forever now, and he still makes vague small talk with me when he sees me as though we didn’t used to share everything and as though it’s fine that we have to catch up on basic details of our lives from the last two years.
- The coach of the host town’s team who told a girl I used to coach that girls aren’t really cut out for this sport.
- The parent from my team who once yelled at me for not having the correct facial expression during her son’s match, and also made a formal complaint against our coaches because we didn’t get sufficiently aggressive in yelling at refs to change calls at a tournament for little kids.
- There isn’t even any point in specifying individual people who post Joe Rogan on social media, because that’s just everyone in the room. In this community, the ones who are super into Joe Rogan but think Andrew Tate takes it too far are the progressive ones.
- And on that note: the random guy I saw wearing a Jordan Peterson shirt. Reminding me that probably at least 70% of that room consists of people who are also into Jordan Peterson.
- There were a lot of shirts with Christian imagery, which is fine and I don’t judge, mostly, or at least, I try not to. I still didn’t love being around it.
- The parent from another team who once complained about how my team was full of “ghetto kids” and the kids from her team should be careful around my team in hotels to avoid having their stuff stolen (because we have a lot of Middle Eastern immigrants, especially as compared to the small towns around us that are all white).
- Several people who drove out during the trucker protests to stand quite close to literally outside my fucking house, holding "fuck Trudeau" signs to protest COVID regulations, and also to be a part of a mob that shut down my entire city and intimidated the locals and caused massive property damage and several assaults on people not to mention to horrifying messaging, a couple of years ago. Not enough years ago for me to have put it behind me. Not enough years ago for seeing if my kids can beat up their kids to all be fun and games now.
Tumblr media
- The guy who’s running a team because he used to be an assistant coach to that team when it was run by his brother, but a year and a bit ago, his brother committed suicide, to avoid going to court with the female athlete who had charged him with sexually abusing her since she was 15 years old. So he died, his brother took over the team. His brother who was close friends with him and was an assistant on the team through all of this and definitely knew what was going on the entire time, and never did anything to stop it, in fact tacitly encouraged it by continuing to coach there. And now he’s just in charge of those children and apparently that’s fine. Also, his presence reminded me of how, when the girl posted her story on social media after he died, the general reaction from our region was that she shouldn’t have done so because you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead. Not that she was wrong – the evidence was overwhelming that he did do it. Just that you shouldn’t be mean about him anyway.
- The guys sitting next to me while I ate lunch in the coaches' room, talking about how kids today are so much softer than a few years ago and it's all because COVID regulations have ruined the generation because Kids Are No Longer Tough.
- The guy who’s way too eager about cliché and useless coaching courses that make the coaches who take them think they’re better than the ones who spend that time actually out there coaching. (Actually, compared to everyone else, I’ve turned around on that guy and greeted him today as an old friend.)
But. Also, I've been listening to all these radio shows with John Robins where he's talking about Queen, and sometimes he references We Are the Champions, and every time it makes me remember that that song was on the playlists that we used to play on tournament road trips in the pre-COVID days, and it was the best thing in the world. And I think of this video that I watched so much during the lockdown days, when this still felt recent and like something that might come back soon, that I took once as we drove home in the middle of the night, from the type of tournament that makes us glad for all those tournaments where everything goes wrong, because they make it more special on the rare occasions that every person on our team performs to their potential and we just go down there and take over the whole venue, we were coming home with more medals than we knew what to do with and months of work paying off for everyone, and we had the playlist on and the kids in the back started singing, and you just can't get something that means as much as that without years and years going into it.
One of the guys signing in this video is now way too into misogynistic bro podcasts, even some of the explicitly racist and Islamophobic ones despite the fact that he's a Muslim immigrant from the Middle East. But he saw me today for the first time in months and gave me a big hug and told me he missed me and wished I'd coach him again, and what am I supposed to do with that?
And even if you could create that kind of community without putting years and years into it first, where am I supposed to find one that's better? I guess if I want community and not dealing with that kind of bullshit, then the thing I'm looking for is the mythical liberal bubble. A bubble that's kept liberal by this cancel culture I keep hearing so much about. Geoff Norcott has promised me - he swore up and down - that comedy is such a place. But I've been to a couple of club comedy nights in the last couple of weeks (well, pub comedy nights where comedians work out material to take to clubs), and they sure did not feel like liberal bubbles. I'm beginning to suspect the liberal bubble might be something invented by Geoff Norcott, or possibly by one or two people who might be even worse than Geoff Norcott, to sell terrible books. What I'm saying is I think I could really use a little more cancel culture in my life.
5 notes · View notes
allinmycorner · 1 year
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media
It was the semi-finals on Dancing With the Stars! We're now just one show away from crowning a winner! It's amazing how fast the time passes, isn't it?
Each of our semi-finalists had to dance twice during the show. They had to perform one unlearned ballroom dance and one unlearned Latin dance. It was just each couple both times - no relays, no marathons, no teams. Just them doing everything they could to make it into the finals.
We got two big announcements this week! The first is that Witney is pregnant with baby number two! Congratulations to her and her family!
The other announcement is that Len will be leaving Dancing With the Stars after this season, so the finale will be his last show. He said he wanted to spend more time with his grandchildren and family. I can also imagine the trips back and forth between the UK and the US are starting to take its toll. This is a bit sad as the core group of judges on this show has been the same for its run so far so it will be weird to not see Len on the show - they still incorporated him even when COVID restrictions kept him away back in 2020. We will miss Len and will never forget him. Thank you, Len, for everything and I wish you the best in your next chapter.
So outside those two announcements, how did the rest of the show go? Let's take a look!
Trevor and Emma: I'm going to miss seeing Trevor on my screen week in and week out. If I'm grateful for anything this season, it's that I was introduced to him. He did his best in both his cha-cha and Viennese waltz but his scores and the votes just weren't there. But if you told me the actor who said he had a literal phobia of dance would make it to the semifinals, I would've thought you were crazy. I've enjoyed watching his journey and know there are great things in his future as well.
Daniel and Britt: I wondered if maybe Daniel would get into the finals. He's also had an incredible journey but Shangela just had a smoother upward trajectory. But Daniel's Viennese waltz and samba were two great routines and he can look back on his entire DWTS journey with pride. His routine last week will be one people will talk about for years to come. So thank you for being you, Daniel. I can't wait to see what you do next.
Charli and Mark: Charli was a lock for the finals. She's been consistent throughout the series and has gotten better as Mark pushed her with more challenging routines. Her Viennese waltz and paso doble were no different. One of the judges even said she looked like a professional ballroom dancer. Maybe Charli will have a second career as a ballroom dancer. Who knows? But she could be hoisting the mirrorball trophy by the end of the finals so that could be a big help if so.
Gabby and Val: Gabby addressed the end of her engagement and relationship. She said she and her ex-fiancé were just not in step like she thought they were and that she was still holding out hope to find her right partner. It led perfectly into her waltz. And then she also slayed with her paso doble, managing to look very serious despite being a rather fun-loving person. She was another lock for the finals and could also be holding the mirrorball trophy. Bachelorettes have won before and we should never underestimate the power of Bachelor Nation. It may come down to them over Charli's fanbase. We'll see.
Shangela and Gleb: There was a moment during the judges' deliberation where I worried that Shangela wouldn't get into the finals as she was up against Daniel. But her overall performance this season got her into the finals as much as her elegant Viennese waltz and fiery paso doble. Shangela, to me, is the epitome of this contest. She came in and was good but not great. And so she kept working until she pulled away from the pack and became great. While I don't think she'll hoist the mirrorball trophy, she will always be my Season 31 champion.
Wayne and Witney: Wayne didn't get perfect scores tonight but he still some high scores, though he tied with Shangela. Even still, I knew he was a lock for the finals. He had a few missteps during both his paso and his Viennese waltz. But I think he will knock his freestyle out of the park and that could boost him to the win.
So our final four are set. I really can't guess who will hoist the mirrorball trophy beyond my gut feeling that it won't be Shangela. We'll just have to see what the finale has in store for us.
See you then!
7 notes · View notes
kyndaris · 1 year
Text
The Ugly Duckling
I met bachelor number 4 at Broadway shopping centre at a small cafe. After getting dropped off by my mother at the train station later than I’d hoped, I was a few minutes late rocking up to the venue. That didn’t stop Prep Boy from sitting down and ordering a coffee and some banana bread for a late breakfast as he waited. A man who knew what he wanted and wasn’t going to allow propriety to get in his way. At least, that’s the assumption I got as he tried to hug me as if we were old friends when I finally arrived.
I quickly disabused him of that notion. The old friends bit. As I’ve mentioned before, I”m not a hugger. Physical touch is basically anathema to my very being. Keeping people at arm’s length means they are less likely to hurt me.
On that note, maybe I really ought to pick up Aikido or other forms of martial arts as a form of self-defence. I mean, yes, I did learn a bit of karate when I was younger but I’d dropped it when I was studying for the selective high school exams.
So, like the awkward Asians that we were (well, more me than him), I settled for a handshake. The best of both worlds, and something that was lacking during the heyday of COVID-19. Although, now that I think on it, I kind of miss doing friendly elbow bumps. So, if you want to boop funny bones, let me know!
After I’d ordered my own drink, hot chocolate (always!), we got to talking.
I learned he had a sister and a number of brothers, that he attended a fancy private school in his youth and that he had just enjoyed a work Halloween event where he went dressed as one of the faceless guards of Squid Game. Except, he didn’t have the proper PlayStation mask so, instead, he opted for one fashioned in the like of a kitsune.
And just like that, he dominated most of the conversation. Not that I minded, dear reader. It allowed me to sit back and listen and learn (and possibly judge). On the downside, he did try to explain where Waverley was (to which I replied most sarcastically) and seemed unsure if I knew the Overwatch characters. Mate, I might not have played the game because it’s an online team shooter but I’d have to be living under a rock not to who who Mercy, D.Va and the rest of all your mains were. 
After all, I live and breathe video game popular culture.
To my detriment.
But as they say: Heroes never die!
Besides, if I didn’t know something, I’d probably ask for clarification or just Google. I mean, I had a friend that never provided context to their wild ramblings. And if I could deduce what they were talking about from scraps of information, I’m sure I wouldn’t be struggling to understand your nostalgia for the ‘good ol’ uni days of 2016.’
That, perhaps more than anything else was an indication that a relationship between the two of us wouldn’t work.
Maybe I’m too cynical and jaded, but the sense I got was that Prep Boy wasn’t all that mature and that it would be an ongoing issue with regards to compatibility. In his desire to impress, he only proved to be somewhat belittling and condescending with his assumptions. In the words of Shania Twain: that don’t impress me much.
The other issue that I could not get past, and which I regaled to all my friends when pestered about my love life, were his teeth. Yellow and covered with plaque, the top row so crooked that it would scare even the hardiest criminals to get back on the straight and narrow.
Can you imagine kissing a mouth like that? No, thank you! 
Worse, he was a former Prep Boy. Private school born and bred, mingling with the rich elites of east coast Sydney. You would think someone with those means would have taken more care of his appearance. Or, at the very least, his dental health.
Maybe I was too quick to judge. But my overall experience conversing with Prep Boy was unfavourable at best. It was the first time after downloading Hinge that I knew in my bones that this person was not for me. There would be no humouring them with a second date.
Almost immediately after we had left the small cafe, as he was catching up with his family afterwards at 12 in Burwood, I hid our chat and there’s been no contact since!
Certainly, our text exchanges hadn’t been the most scintillating of conversations.
So, progress? Or have I gone two steps back?
I don’t know. Relationships are hard! And yes, I know it’s my fault for not trying to seek a partner in my younger years but I wasn’t interested.
Heck, even now, I don’t know how interested I am in finding a life companion beyond a body pillow.
But at least I’m trying?
For years, I’ve lived inured in my own fantasy worlds, never much venturing past my front door because I saw little need to. However, I’m learning, as I did back in 2016, that putting oneself out of one’s comfort zone can be truly eye-opening in learning who I am and what I want from life.
It’s easy to live a life without change but you don’t grow from those experiences. And perhaps, after spending a year somewhat working on myself, I can spread my wings and reveal to the world the swan that I actually am.
Still, is it weird that during this trek out to the city, I was more excited about learning that Fortress was coming to Sydney rather than the meet-up itself?
Anyways, Happy New Year! Let’s hope 2023 will be as interesting as year as 2022 - at least on  a personal scale. I don’t think I like all the shit that’s been happening around the world and I honestly fear where it might be heading to next.
And yet, despite all the misery and the bleakness of an unknown future, here I am just trying to find some love.
3 notes · View notes
abqbox · 2 years
Text
Tumblr media
Was good to get out playing hockey again after being sick. I was a bit worried how I would do but everything started out well.
I had to make one good save through the first period and we scored a goal and I felt were the slightly better team overall.
In the second things were going pretty similar, we scored another and were a bit better but then during a power play our defender got the puck and threw a blind pass across the ice which was picked off. I made the first save with no defensive help at all but he put in the rebound and it was 2-1. We managed to get a third goal though on another power play, literally as time in the period ran out.
In the third they were clearly pushing harder and outplayed us overall. But I started out making some more good saves, until they got one when the puck came across to three of their guys uncovered right in front of the net. I made one save but couldn't cover and they scored on the rebound.
After that unfortunately my fatigue from what was most likely covid last week came in and I felt really slow and tired. I let in a shot under my arm that I should have had. Then we scored to take a lead again. They pulled their goalie and we nearly scored, hitting the post. But after that they got a nice tip, I feel I should have been able to catch it but I was tired and had my glove a bit low and was slow to raise it so we went to overtime tied 4-4.
They made the goalies switch ends for overtime. I don't know why, we haven't done that before. I didn't appreciate having to skate to the other end when I was feeling as tired as I was but tried to deal with it the best I could. The overtime was sort of back and forth, and sort of sloppy. After a couple minutes they got a chance that was kind of a breakaway. One of those odd plays where I maybe should have come out to play it but feeling tired already I wasn't sure I would be fast enough so I didn't and their guy came in alone. He got kind of a weak shot I missed with my stick and then just totally messed up stopping with my pads to end the game on a horrible goal and overtime loss.
At least we got a point and I did play well and made good saves before I got to simply feeling exhausted and slow. Hopefully I'll keep improving and feeling better and not get tired so easily next game.
The pic is the kids before us. I'm glad they have a good number of kids playing but also glad I don't have to play those little games across the ice, all the visuals for angles would be totally messed up and wrong.
3 notes · View notes
thejosh1980 · 1 year
Text
Dr Kitch, it's terrible... 
It's been a while. I know that writing my thoughts and feelings down has a real positive affect on my mental well being. I learn about myself and often feel free, or freer, from the worry or concern I had before I started writing. 
I just haven't prioritised writing lately. Sometimes I don't feel motivated or, more often, I don't feel I have anything interesting to share.
I do write, but I don't share everything. I have unsent letters to friends, family, pets and myself, which I have written for the sole purpose of getting my thoughts and feelings out, and hoping in the process find a little bit of calm. 
Recently I got a new job offer. 
My current position as a community support worker is fantastic for many reasons, and not so great for a few. After finishing my studies to become a counsellor I wanted to get some experience in the real word. During the past 6+ months, I have seen improvements in the well being of the people I work with, and the influence I have had on their lives. I really enjoy the time with the people I work with, even if shifts can be challenging at times.
However, I am not excited about the company, my managers and the system of care in place. Probably the best way I can explain it is, the company can be more of a challenge to work with than the people I work one on one with.
It was never going to be a long term job, it was about getting experience, learning about myself, the people I work with, the various mental health diagnosis out there, and how the system works. After 6 months, I still put in 100% with the people I work with, but I'm not a fan of the system.
So I am changing systems.
The new job will be somewhat similar, but vastly different in other areas. I will work at one location, and people who need support will come to that location. I will no longer work in isolation, I will have colleagues to work with, and support me, during the whole shift. Shifts are longer and there's no cancellation at the last minute. I will work as a peer support worker at a suicide prevention project. I can't go into further details right now, but it'll be an exciting step for me to be able to support people in crisis daily.
I will work both jobs for a while, but eventually cut back on my old position once I settle into the new job.
Part of the new job is that I'll need to keep myself safe, prioritising my mental well being and physical well being. I am really pleased I will be part of a team, and have colleagues, who I can talk to, learn from, and share my experiences with. I'll have a daily opportunity to debrief, something that is often missing in mental health work. I'll have a chance to learn from other peer workers, one on one, as well as sharing with people who visit the project. 
Exciting times...
What isn't exciting is how I'll keep myself physically well. I need to get vaccinations. Now I don't want to go through the whole COVID vaccine debate, it is what it is, and this is about something else.
I am very scared of needles!
Prior to COVID, The last time I remember getting an injection was in late 1997, when I broke my pinky finger and needed a local injection in my elbow, in the spot we call the “funny bone”, where that nerve tingles down your arm when you bump it. I had to be gassed up, held down and I still was crying, shaking and hating every moment of the process. I remember the doctor said “stop being a baby”, which definitely didn't help the situation. I remember telling him “make sure you put in more than enough to numb me, because you won't get a second chance”. 
I was alone, he gassed me, jabbed me, re-broke my finger and set it in place.
Good times...
I have learnt a lot since the COVID vaccines became mandatory, I learnt that I could get a jab (or 3) if I had Alex with me to hold my hand and an understanding nurse who was gentle. I focused on the fact I was showing courage, even if I was reacting with tears and shaking, doing something that protected my family, and myself. 
Those jabs were the first I had had in over 20 years.
Last month I began the process of getting jabs for the new job. I calculated I'd need at least 4 seperate injections, if not more, over the coming 3 months. Initially 2 at a time and then 1 or 2 after that, not to forget the dreaded blood tests I'll need too. 
Oh boy!!! 
In December, I had the doctor, nurse and Alex lined up on Thursday morning to get the ball rolling. Except it didn't roll very far. I was amped up and before the appointment thinking “right, I'll go in, lay down, they'll jab, I'll cry and shake, and then we'll move on like nothing happened”... 
After huge anticipation, and a few sleepless nights, leading up to that appointment, it didn't happen. The appointment ended up being only a discussion with the doc and a prescription for the jabs. See, I didn't know I had to go to the chemist to get the needles and come back for the jab. So it was all rescheduled for the following Saturday morning.
I had been mentally prepared on Thursday, only to be denied, and had to prepare again for Saturday. I am so lucky the nurse and the doctor were compassionate, understanding and knowledgable on how to support folks like me. Folks who have a strong reaction to needles. They did a great job, and I don't do this very often but I'll blow my own horn here, I did a great job too. I kept my arm still, cried, shook, wiggled my toes, talked very fast, lost a little oxygen or something because my face was tingling, and I got through it, I survived. 
2 jabs down!
I could tell the nurse was pinching me (pretty hard according to Alex) to help desensitise my upper arm as I was laying down looking over Alex's shoulder, tears in my eyes, wiggling my toes. I didn't make eye contact with anyone while in the nurse's room. I could tell when the needle went in, and it didn't hurt. I should know better, I know it doesn't hurt. 
So why the reaction?
I have been thinking about this since the job (and jabs) came up. Why do I react in such a strong way, even though I know they don't hurt, they're not unsafe and I have survived them before? And why is there this strong reaction, just to the thought, of having to have an injection?
In fact the fear was so strong that about 15 years ago, while surfing in Hawaii, I cut my big toe up on a reef. I had to go to the emergency room. My partner at the time can surely remember the Jackie Chan type nurse who took care of me, and the shaking boyfriend on the bed with eyes all big and fearful. I knew that needles were going to be mentioned. Those needles could be for stitching me up or for some other thing like tetanus! 
What the hell is tetanus? 
I am sure I had whatever necessary vaccinations a child needed back in the early 80's, which might have included this tetanus the nurse mentioned, but when asked when I had my last tetanus shot, I lied. I said “oh, in my late teens”, which was within 10 years and satisfied the nurses curiosity. Secondly, thank god they decided not to stitch me up, they decided to use super glue instead. 
Crisis averted.
I was glued up and left the emergency a relatively happy man. Eventually I got a walking stick and enjoyed a rockabilly festival at our next stop, in Green Bay. Playing cricket and doin' the limbo with my rockin' cane on the dance floor. Those that were there, know, it sure was a good time to have a limp.
Back to the question of the day... So, why the reaction?
Firstly, I'd say that long gap of 20+ years between jabs hasn't helped. I got more and more scared, worried and distant from the needle. I avoided getting any blood tests, or jabs, for almost 25 years. I wouldn't travel to a country that required a jab. I wouldn't go to the doctor if I hurt myself and thought there's even a hint of a chance that the doc might consider the possibility that there's a reason he might think about using a needle even close to me. 
So lets go back, back even further than 25 years...
Many of our adult thoughts, feelings and behaviours stem from our childhood experiences and what we make of those experiences.
I have a memory of receiving a jab in 1986 in Brunswick Heads that didn't go well. I was 6 years old, and my parents had separated the year before. I don't have many memories from my childhood, this is surely the strongest. 
I know the previous jabs were all in 1980-1981, I was just a wee baby and it's in my baby booklet Mum has kept all this time. I don't remember any of these jabs. By 1986 I was more aware of the world around me, I was aware Dad wasn't around, I was no longer living in the big city. I knew there were things going on, with me, Mum, Dad and my sister, that I couldn't quite put my finger on. I'm sure it was a stressful time for us all, I am sure that stress was something I didn't know how to process.
I remember feeling very small, with the feeling of tears burning down my cheeks, fighting the doctor, shouting and crying. I may have tried to run, but didn't get far. I remember being at the door pleading with them not to do it. I remember the doctor wasn't very impressed with me. I can not remember Mum being there.
This was a traumatic event for me.
It isn't the event itself, but the stress one feels, that makes it a traumatic event. That's why two people can experience the same event, and have different reactions. One may feel fine, the other traumatised. 
So why the stress? Why the reaction?
My recent thoughts directed me to my parents having recently separated, and I was taken away from all that I had known: big city suburbia, and my family security at the only house I'd ever known. My environment, and our family, had changed and I hadn't processed all these changes. I was missing Dad, and trying to adjust. I remember I was struggling to settle in at school. Mum did her best, I have no doubt she protected us kids and made the best of the situations that arose. She definitely worked very hard to support us. I don't have memories of any other really challenging events, between the time we left Melbourne and when I had the jabs. 
Mum said as a baby I was fine with the jabs, I cried a little, but didn't react to the extent I would show a few years later that continues to this day. 
What I remember as my worst experience since my parents separated, still affects me years on. There has to be a connection there, because that experience affected me so deeply. Another way to think about it is to ask the question, if I had those jabs in Melbourne, with parents who were still together and happy, would I have developed the fear?
I am not upset with my parents for separating. I think it was what they had to do, as there was unhappiness in their relationship that they couldn't work through. I've been there too, and ending the relationship was the best way. 
Even as I type this, I can't get close to connecting the dots. Usually I do, usually as I write I find answers to questions I ask myself, because I let my thoughts wander, I let them go deeper than I have before.
So far, nada. 
I may need to go deeper, and that is becoming more challenging around this subject. I feel I may need professional help with that. It isn't always easy asking yourself the hard questions, I may need a little help.
But it did affect me, didn't it?
My fear and reaction are so ingrained that I struggle to shake it off. The fear and worry has been in my head for too long to just “get over it”, “man up”, and get it done. It takes a lot of work, it's a real journey, to change years of behaviour, thoughts and feelings. I have been reframing my thoughts, becoming more comfortable with being vulnerable in front of others, and finding small ways to see myself take whatever steps I need to get through these few moments of intense reaction.
Small steps. 
The smallest ones I could possibly do to get 'em done. I've written about this before, when a job, event or action feels too big and overwhelming, I break it down into the smallest parts possible. 
Small achievable steps.
I have thought about the steps I took to get through the COVID jabs, and that was because I saw the reasoning behind it, I made a choice to get them to support safety within my family, close friends and community. I got those jabs for someone else, not for me. I surely didn't want those jabs, I never have ever wanted to have 'em.
Alex came to all 3 of those appointments, held my hand, wiped the tears, and talked to the nurses. She showed me the compassion and support the doctor didn't showing me in 1986 and again in 1997. I did the jab for her, and she in turn showed me I could do it, I could face the fear after all these years.
When I found out I would need to get updated and new vaccinations, like this tetanus shot, I decided to work on small steps to help me. I would need the dreaded blood test too, something I have never been able to successfully do. I tried once, when I was about 20, but I didn't last long in the pathology clinic. I was out of there the moment they tried to put that strap around my arm to stem the blood flow. 
I never looked back.
Recently, I used an opportunity to experiment with exposure therapy. That is, to expose myself to small amounts of needles. 
About 6 weeks before my first injections, when a close friend needed to get an IV put in his hand from the ambulance, I stayed in the room. I didn't actually watch the thing go in, hell no!!! I was a couple of meters away, watching his face, and seeing little reaction or worry, in fact he was calm. Once it was in, I had a quick look at his hand, didn't look too bad either. OK, this was a small step, I let someone else get a “permanent” jab while I was in the same room.
Happy days...
Next step, upping the exposure....
I had the opportunity to take someone I work with to get a blood test a few weeks later. I could have looked away, I could have left the room, I could have asked him to turn away, but instead I faced my fear. I watched the whole process, and the outcome was 2 vials of blood, and he said it was the best blood test he'd experienced. I immediately took down that nurse's name and would book in with her when I needed a blood test.
I felt like I'd come a long way from the days of not being able to even be in the same room with a needle.
Now with the new job, we're back at it, getting jabbed. That Saturday's appointment was intense, I wiggled my toes to distract myself, so much so that I didn't realise I was digging my nails into my toes, and was bleeding.
I got 2 jabs in a row... I still can't believe it. 
It helped to have a strong reason to get on with these vaccinations. A new job... A new job which supports our goal to buy our own house. I figured out the overall reason too, my health. I'm not getting any younger, I'll need jabs and blood tests more and more likely as I grow older. 
But I don't think I am ready to volunteer to get a jab just because...
I need a solid reason, I need support and understanding, and I hope over time, with more growth and understanding, I'll be calm, cool and collected while the nurses and doctors do what they gotta do...
Thanks for reading,
Josh
EDIT: I re-read my blogs to make sure I cover all the detail, to go as deep as I can. As I wrote this, I was sure the issue with my fear stemmed from my parent's separation. The thought of a needle throws me back to that time of change. 
I am sure, that it does to a degree, and needs further exploration... But...
Just now, as I read through, correcting a few details, spelling mistakes and grammar, I came to realise in 1986, the biggest part of the needle fear stemmed from my feelings surrounding the doctor's attitude and lack of compassion towards me. 
I felt hurt, I felt unfairly judged, and I felt that I was treated badly. 
I was a sensitive kid, my parents weren't together and I was experiencing a lot of change. I feel that the doc didn't care about any of that, he just wanted to stick it in, no matter what the experience may have felt to me.
Now, I can work on finding calm.
1 note · View note
qnewslgbtiqa · 15 days
Text
Karna Ford: An Exclusive Interview
New Post has been published on https://qnews.com.au/karna-ford-an-exclusive-interview/
Karna Ford: An Exclusive Interview
As the reigning queen of Universal’s Slay 2 Stay drag competition, Sydney’s Karna Ford is one of Australia’s newest drag sensations and has taken the scene by storm since the end of the pandemic. 
Drag Royalty in the Making
This is a queen that you can’t miss. Karna Ford is a force to be reckoned with, sporting an impressive resume for an up-and-coming performer. Notably, Karna has featured in Jessica Mauboy’s Right Here Right Now music video and on the TV series NCIS Sydney.
QNews spoke to Karna in an exclusive interview about what drag means to her and why she got into the artform in the first place. 
How would you describe your type of drag to someone who’s never seen a spot from you before? 
I would call myself a club queen. Most of my work is performances at clubs. The inspiration that I draw from are powerhouse divas like Beyonce, Nicole Scherzinger, J-Lo, Rihanna… I also dance, and so I love to show off my dance moves. 
I have a Filipino influence from my family and from the Filipino community here, but it’s not something that I’ve really tapped into just yet. I’ve been wanting to do more culturally inspired performances, but I was born in Australia, so a lot of my influences are westernised. But it’s definitely something that I want to incorporate more into my performances. I do love it when I perform a Filipino artist like Nicole Scherzinger. 
Do you remember when you first fell in love with drag? 
I’ve always been a performer and I used to be a dancer before I started drag. 
I got booked for a show called Queens of Asia and there weren’t enough Asian drag queens that could dance and perform so they asked me if I wanted to be a drag queen in the show. This was my first paid opportunity to do a show, but it was in drag. But I loved the whole process straight away. Of course, I was obviously busted. It was my first time doing drag. That’s why it’s lucky for me that I had the dance training because that’s what people wanted to see on stage. 
For my first year of doing drag, which was in 2019, I only did it about five or six times. And every time that I’d done it had been because it was a paid gig. And then we got into lockdown in 2020. 
I was craving to do drag. I would just be at home practising my makeup, and then going online and sharing what I did during COVID. 
But I think it kind of showed what I saw during my era of starting out- it showed who really wanted to push for it. There were a lot of queens that dropped off during that time. 
There was no reason for them to do it. Whereas the ones who I’ve seen blossom during COVID are the ones that are working now. 
What did winning Slay 2 Stay mean to you and your place within the Sydney queer scene? 
It meant a lot to me. I actually wanted to do the season before, which was the third season of Slay 2 Stay, but then I had a lot of people in my ear being like, “Oh, don’t do that. You know what those competitions are like. It’s all about hierarchy and sucking at people’s asses!” 
And I let that get to me, and then I saw how the competition went. I was like, I totally could have slayed that! So I made the decision to just do it for myself. 
One, to push my creativity to create something new every week and two, to just do it for myself. If it wasn’t for Slay, I wouldn’t have built a team and support system behind me that I have right now. 
The people who came and supported me at Slay are people that are so important to me. I wasn’t new to the scene before Slay, but it felt more cemented after the competition. 
It was interesting how everything played out in the competition, but I think that’s the thing about competitions is that you just have to expect the unexpected. I obviously wanted to come in and make it to the end. But throughout the whole competition, I felt like it wasn’t mine, and then I made it to the end, and it was just that last little performance that made me go over the edge that made me win. It was a bit shocking, but in the best way! 
Photographer: Hamid Mousa
Do you have any inspirations for drag specifically? 
Well, my absolute idol in the Sydney drag scene is Coco Jumbo. She was one of the first queens that I saw who I could feel like I connected to- that was a person of colour, that was a bit bigger, and could bring the house down. 
And now at times I get booked on jobs with her. So I feel like it’s a full circle moment for me. This was years ago, before she was on Drag Race, when she was doing a lot of shows at Arq. She’s got this ability to make everyone feel so special, and yeah, she’s incredible. 
What are your hopes for the future?
It’s wild because I’ve actually hit a lot of my goals that I wrote for myself a few years ago. 
I wrote myself a five year plan, and each year I wanted to achieve one of those goals. I wanted to have a weekly show, which I do now. I was featured in a music video with Jessica Mauboy, I got featured in a role for a TV show- NCIS Sydney on Paramount+. 
And then my last goal that I really wanted to kick was to travel internationally for drag. And then funnily enough, that only happened recently. 
So it was very cool that we achieved all these goals. And the thing about that is that I achieved all of these goals without me being on Drag Race. 
I just feel like there are people who go on Drag Race to book those sorts of gigs, but these are all things that I’ve gotten on my own. 
So I think what I hope for the future is. I think I just want to travel the world more with drag, so do more touring shows and just go around the world. 
You can see Karna Ford in NCIS Sydney on Paramount+ Australia or later this year on Network 10. 
Read the Latest from QNews
Karna Ford: An Exclusive Interview
Bendigo Queer Film Festival celebrates twenty years
Victorian Pride Centre launches LGBTIQA+ Visual Arts Program
Death of nonbinary teen Nex Benedict ruled a suicide
Sydney FC celebrates Pride across weekend of festivities
For the latest LGBTIQA+ Sister Girl and Brother Boy news, entertainment, community stories in Australia, visit qnews.com.au. Check out our latest magazines or find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and YouTube.
0 notes
dleena2023 · 5 months
Text
bismillahirrahmanirrahim
the piano notes of 'terbang tunduk' is playing while i typed these heartfelt words. it's currently 12.40 am now in sg and i really don't know where to start. i'm sure zofgk & tom/roach/sky/becker are still online right now in korea scrimming/practicing for later's quaterfinals match. yes, you see it clearly. the match will be at 4pm later on sunday. it's kind of heartwarming to think that i'm here writing a dedication + motivation post for them while they are on the other side of the earth preparing for quarterfinals omg T_T i know you guys have been practicing very, very hard since last week until now. or hell, should i say you guys have been practicing very hard since 2021.
2021 - the year when i officially got into t1. like for reals. i can't even remember it all started cos it was all hazy but all i remember was seeing keria playing against drx i think? his previous team omg :') and i remember canna, cuzz & teddy were there too. they were playing online cos covid striked and they had no choice but to play at their hq. and all i could think was how adooooorable keria was (and he still is) especially with those round glasses. like it just made his x10 cuter not gonna lie :3 i admit i didn't even watch the games lol and from there, i just started hovering random lck games just to find guys to swoon for lmaooo. some commendable people i could remember were solka & yohan uwu. ngawww i missed them so much :') so yeaaa it just started so sudden and i think figs was watching dk at that time so i just started to 'join in the fun' and watch the games with an empty mind. no kidding but before i got to know all these e-sports thingy, when i thought they were basically just nerdy losers who game 24/7 lol but they proved me otherwise. slowly, i got addicted watching their games for fun. and remember some champions's names for fun too. like zoe for instance hahahaha. damn she's already looong forgotten, eh? anyways the more i watched the games, the more i started to realise how important this e-sport thingy is to them. cos they aspired to be a professional player one day and build a career around it. basically, that's what they are living for. league is their life. t1 intrigued me (because of keria duh) haha and i just happen to watch their games consistently from then on. i got into them a bit tardy around summer 2021. which was around june/july... i think? so yeap i'm one of the people who witnessed the 10 man roster musical chair OTL. and at that point, i didn't think of anything but wanting only the best for them. to win every single game. i remember feeling heartache when we lost and the sweetness when we won. the feeling was just. so thrilling. it's indescribable because i have never felt like this before in my entire life. the urge to support a stranger ardently. the urge to support someone from across the ocean that is 1 hour ahead of my time zone. i remember giving my all to every t1 player (be it if they were playing or were rotating some players). i remember seeing ellim playing. i'm not sure about clozer but i remember seeing only oner & gumayusi playing nearer the end of the regular summer split. i didn't manage to see zeus play at all *sobs* maybe cos he only played a few games during spring which i was still non-existent hihihi x) from there, coaches daeny & zefa (aka frauds/spyagents do you think i don't remember LOL) called up oner for most of the matches remaining season. i still vividly remember my 1st roster ever. and it kind of grew into me. canna-oner-faker-teddy-keria :) when i saw oner played for the 1st time, ngl i went "holy shit this oner is so good what the heck" because he was soooo aggresive and he played like he is not afraid of any single person. he's so so so good that was my 1st impression of him and i felt that he was way better than cuzz. he was the main reason i should say that influence t1's playstyle. t1 became aggressive from then on and it was really a sight to see. and then, little did i know that gumayusi was on the way xD he was playing tug of war with teddy for the last few games and i can'tttt remember when his debut was. i think oner debuted earlier if i'm not wrong then gumayusi maybe a month later? from what i know guma debuted during playoffs ma goshhhh isn't that so stressful thoo??? like wow really coaches. but i'm glad he managed to pull it through!! i mean t1 went from being a mid tier team to advancing to lck finals. wait, can we just appreciate how cool & slay that was!?!?!
0 notes