This new “relationship” with my coworker guy is pissing me off he’s totally bizarre sending mixed signals sometimes but being so sweet in real life and when we go out or are at his flat…. At work he’s a different person and he likes to pick fights about stupid shit and he’s scared of commitment so we weren’t labelling things taking it slow (which I prefer to go with it not label it until I’m ready and he is) but we both don’t want to see other people, he’s a gentleman and we have messed around but nothing all the way but now I feel like he isn’t with it with the upset he’s causing me even if he says he feels strongly for me and it isn’t even like he’s using me either….he’s just confused as he’s never been with anyone before (he’s 26 I’m 28) and it’s all new to him and he’s going through a lot in life but so am I and he says some rude things sometimes and I just don’t know if he’s worth this shit but I hate that I still have feelings for him but I might have to forget him because of everything and it just hurts so much

Just popping in to tell you that you are gorgeous as fuck

Oh goodness. Hahaha. Wow, thank you so much! I wish that were true in my eyes. I have accepted the fact that other people can somehow think I am attractive, but I just can’t wrap my head around why someone would think that or how someone could think that about me. In my eyes, I am the most hideous, fat person on this planet. I have come to terms with the fact that I am ugly, like I mentioned in my post on that one picture, but I cannot accept the fact that I am ridiculously overweight and fucking obese. I hate myself so damn much because of my weight. I even avoid going out in public because of my weight and how ugly I look and feel. I can fool people with my selfies, though. With the right angle, the right lighting, the right filter, and the right camera. . .I can look pretty attractive. But it’s all an illusion. That’s why selfies are great. They can make your fantasy of being a beautiful, slim, flawless, model-worthy person a reality. But if you met me in real life? You’d run the other direction. Haha. I’m really hard on the eyes. My pictures are eye candy, I will admit, but my real life image? Very hard to look at. I have a very fat, obese, short, stubby, ugly body. . .and my face is too round and chubby and I have no neck or chin to speak of (which I want to get cosmetic surgery for when I can afford it) coz I inherited that from my fucking mother. I have a major, odd overbite on my top row of teeth because instead of sucking my thumb as a little boy, I sucked my two fingers (ring and middle), which caused my teeth to bulge out, one a little more than the other. Hoping to get that fixed with invisalign as soon as I can afford it. I have always had super clear skin, but lately my picking problem has become unbearable and I am ripping the skin off of different places and now I have all these red marks on my face and permanent scarring in some places because of that issue I have. And concealer doesn’t cover it that well no matter how much I put on. And then the pigmentation of my skin is disgusting because I am a pasty, white, lobster-person. My skin turns red at even the slightest bit of heat. And I have a pigmentation issue on my right cheek bone where there is a circle that is always red that concealer won’t cover. My eyes are way way WAY too big for my face (as everyone can probably tell). I’m certain people probably make fun of me for how big my eyes are behind my back. My hair is beautiful in colour, but ugly in style. My nose is huge and always red at the tip because, again, I am a white, pasty, lobster person. (Seriously, why did I have to be born white? UGH) My eyebrows are way way way too thick and they make me look perpetually angry. I have a bad case of resting bitch face and bored-to-tears face even when I’m excited about something. My smile is the most hideous and scary thing you will ever see; especially if it’s a teeth-showing smile. I have a baby face so I get mistaken for a teenager/high schooler quite often which is absolutely insulting. I have even had someone tell me my actual ID was a fake ID because they couldn’t fathom the fact that I was born in ‘92. I constantly have such dark circles under my eyes that it looks like I have two black eyes due to my insomnia and my sleeping pills not working anymore. My chin protrudes and it’s ugly. My lips are fucking HUGE and ugh god they’re disgusting. My teeth are somewhat yellow-ish because of all the tea and coffee I drink and because of the lack of money to go to the dentist (my insurance does not cover dental and never has...white teeth are a product of wealth, not how well you take care of them). My breath always smells horrible because I am anorexic and anorexia makes you have bad breath (still not sure why. I just know it’s the cause.). No matter how much I brush or how many times I rinse with mouth wash or how many mints I pop throughout the day, I’m pretty sure my breath still smells and I don’t know how anyone can stand to be around me. My face is pretty expressionless and I don’t make good expressions which makes me miserable and boring to other people. My laugh is fucking obnoxious because I laugh really loudly and it’s more of a maniacal cackle than anything. . .unless I’m giggling, then I sound like a fucking seal. If I don’t shave between my eyebrows for like 6 months or more, I get a small, practically invisible unibrow which is totally noticeable to me but normally not to other people. My nose is constantly wet and dripping because I have such bad allergies. My eyes are fucking bright blueish-grey, sometimes fully grey, so it’s super easy to tell when I’m on drugs because you can see my pupils turn to pinpoints or, if I’m on something trippy, you can see them dilate like crazy. Which, as someone who does drugs every day of his life, that’s an absolute curse, mate. I have TMJ so my jaw goes click click click every time I open and close it. I have a SUPER TINY mouth and a very thick tongue. Which is an awful combination. I can’t decide whether my forehead is too big or too small. And the creases of my eyes are practically right on top of my eyes because of how huge my eyes are. And glasses are always way too big for my face because I have such a tiny head. My nonexistent neck is super thick and makes me seem like I have a bazillion chins no matter how skinny I get. When I was down in the 90 lb range, the fact that I don’t have a neck/chin really fucking got to me because even at that weight, it still looks like I have a million chins. I can’t escape it without surgery to physically move my throat back where it is for normal people. Which, I’m not even sure if that can be done, but I will pay a plastic surgeon my whole goddamn life savings to fix that for me. I just don’t have the money right now and won’t anytime soon because I’m sure it will cost thousands upon thousands of dollars up-front. Uhhhh.....what else.....well, that’s just my head. From my neck up. You don’t even wanna get me started on my body. I could go on for hours because of how fat I am.

But. . .it’s really, really, REALLY nice to get messages like these. I never know if people are just mocking me and lying to me and laughing at my expense when I respond with gratitude, kinda like a “HAHA He’s so gullible!!!” sorta thing. That’s what I usually suspect is going on when people compliment me like this.

But I’ve been trying REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to just accept the compliments as truth and believe that people are being honest with me and aren’t just making fun of me and being sarcastic. So. . .if you’re serious, which I am going to force myself to assume you are, I really fucking appreciate this. Like....SO much. I have nonexistent self esteem. Like...zero. Maybe even negative numbers for my self esteem. I doubt you will ever encounter a person with lower self esteem than me. So to have people boost my ego with things like this means the world to me. It makes me feel like...maybe...maybe I can go out in public. Because I don’t go out in public because of how ugly and fat I am. I dread going out in public because of that. When I was like 105lbs or less, I was so fucking happy and I felt like I could go out in public whenever I wanted! It was incredible!!! Having thin privilege is.......wow, it’s life changing. I don’t think people with thin privilege even realize how great they have it. Honestly, being skinny would take away my depression, cure my anxiety, and all of my self destructive habits and suicidal ideations would just...fade away! They did when I was 105 and less. So anyone who says that weight does not control your happiness is a fucking liar when it comes to me, myself, and I. Because weight does, indeed, control my happiness, personally. While I’m fat and obese like I have been most of my life, it causes so much depression and anxiety and makes me want to kill myself solely because I am fat. I can deal with being ugly like I am, but I cannot deal with being fat like this. I can’t handle it.

And I can’t exercise at all because it could give me a heart attack and kill me due to my costochondritis. So I can’t even do that to help lose weight. So I’m just.....constantly starving myself and munching on dried mango slices when I’m hungry and drinking lots and lots of water and nothing else. A lot of people say that starving yourself will make you gain weight and it actually does in majority of people, but for some reason. . .starvation works on my body. Starvation is the one thing that will make me lose weight. And it’s really my only option at this point. Yeah, I could go into hypoglycemic shock or a hypoglycemic coma, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take if I could just be skinny.

Like I said. . .I have come to terms with the fact I am ugly. That is never going to change no matter what I do. But my weight? That is something I can change if I keep up the starvation and don’t break. Which, I have gotten very good at over the years since I was a little kid. The drugs help curb my appetite, too. The reason I started doing certain drugs was actually to curb my appetite. Nothing else. I didn’t want them to get high or for fun or anything like that---I just wanted them so I could lose weight. And they sure are helping. I fucking love drugs.

I would do anything to be skinny and have thin privilege. Literally anything. I will die trying if I have to. I would rather die an early death while skinny than live a long life while fat.

Ahhhh, I got so off topic there. I’m sorry. Weight and my appearance has just been prevalent in my mind since I came across those three old pictures I just reblogged from my selfie tag. So I just. . .had to vent and get that out there. I’m so sorry. But venting really helps me. A lot. So. . .saying all that really just helped me calm down and stop crying and beating myself up over all of it. So. . .even if you don’t read all this, if someone does read it, thank you. Thank you for listening.

And, nonny. . .thank you so much for your wonderful compliment. You just made me feel SO damn good about myself. And it really means a lot to me because I have this scratch on the skin above my upper lip on the right side that I have been clawing at for hours now and I have opened up a whole damn hole in my skin and now it’s turned into a massive red spot of ugliness and it’s probably not going to heal for a long time no matter how much of this prescription healing gel I put on it. The gel is like a super version of neosporin. My mom had it when she had her mastectomy for breast cancer. They took fat from her stomach to make her a new breast and she had some crazy, sick scar from that. Huge scar. So they gave her this gel that you put on the incision site to make it heal faster. And it really works. So she gave the remainder of it to me and I’m putting it on that area like every two seconds, but then I get the urge to claw at it and I do and then it just starts bleeding and gets bigger and worse and worse. And I just can’t seem to stop myself. If there is an area of my skin that isn’t perfectly smooth and flat, I will claw at it until it’s bleeding and until I feel that it’s flat or concave that will heal into flatness. Can’t even tell you how many circular shaped scars I have from ripping off little swollen bite areas from insects. Two circular dots are on my face and it makes me feel so fucking ugly. And now I have this huge red mark on my upper lip and it’s killing me to look at myself because I can’t do anything to hide it and I basically never want to go out in public again. . .my picking problem has made me 50x uglier than I already am and it REALLY gets to me. I physically can’t go out in public because of my looks and weight without a fuckton of valium or ativan in me.

So. . .hearing this from a stranger. . .some anonymous. . .it means the world to me. It means that someone, somewhere out there in this world, could walk past me and think “Wow. He’s so handsome.” or something like that. It gives me hope that maybe one day.....ONE DAY......someone might actually think that in real life when I don’t have all the right angles, filters, right lighting, right pose, etc etc etc...If someone were to say this to me in person when I was in my natural environment without all the selfie gimmicks? I think I would legitimately pass out. Haha. I’ve never been the gorgeous one. . .I hate going out with most of my friends sometimes because they are a million, bazillion times hotter than me.

I’m hoping the HRT will change how I look and how my body is. I hope it will slim me down and strengthen my facial structure. The doctor said it probably won’t have any affect on my face, but I have seen FTM and MTF people who have before and after pictures and their faces look super different. So I’m just fucking praying to all the omnipotent, noncorporeal, fate-controlling aliens in the universe that it does exactly that. I would kill to look like anyone other than me.

I have never seen an ugly fat person before. The only ugly fat person I have seen is me. Fat and skinny are both beautiful. And fat is not a derogatory term. People seem to assume that just because I think I’M fat and that makes me ugly, I somehow think that they must be ugly due to their weight, too??? And that just doesn’t make any fucking sense to me when people come to me with the “Well if you xxx pounds and I’m xxx pounds, then what does that make me in your eyes? A fucking obese monster?” LIKE NO, FAM. IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. The only fucking way I think about fat being ugly is on ME. PERSONALLY. I am the only one that my logic about weight applies to. And people just don’t seem to understand that and it pisses me off. I’m anorexic and I have bad body dysmorphia. So, I mean, fucking SUE ME FOR EXPRESSING MY OPINION OF MYSELF AND MYSELF ALONE. Just because I think I’m fat at 128 lbs does not mean I think someone at twice my size or four times my size is ugly due to their weight. I am attracted to all sorts of people. And Callie in Grey’s Anatomy is the exact body type I am attracted to. She’s not conventionally skinny like most people. . .yet, that is the number one body I am attracted to. I’m not usually attracted to skinny people because they make me out-of-my-mind angry and vengeful because I want to BE them and because they usually take their thin privilege for granted or aren’t even aware that they have it and MAN that pisses me off. They usually have no idea how good they have it. Ugh, fuck. I have experienced what it was like to have thin privilege. I was practically fucking worshiped. Even though I lost all my weight for very unhealthy reasons and I was the most unhealthy I had ever been in my life and I was the sickest I’ve ever been physically, everyone would still see me for the first time in a while and be like “OH MY GOD. KILLIAN. LOOK AT HOW SKINNY YOU ARE. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS OH MY GOD!!!” and they would just continuously praise me for being skinny. I would get asked out on dates and invited to all these high end exclusive parties simply because I was skinny. And guys and some girls were absolutely all over me. I remember walking into a gas station to ask for direction and there was a line of guys waiting for the cash register and when I walked in, they all turned around and did a double take and literally scanned me up and down with their eyes and they all got this kind of devious smirk and one of them even put his hand around my waist and they were just absolutely marveling at how gorgeous I was. Purely because I was skinny. I could get into clubs and bars so easily when I was skinny. The second I gained the weight back? Everyone that had loved me when I was skinny abandoned me with the absolute weakest excuses. No one paid attention to me anymore. I started getting looks of disgust again. Started getting the stares.......you know the stares, right? The ones that say “Wow, I’m so glad I’m not as fat as him!” Stuff like that. My mistress even gave me a special session when I lost all the weight because she was so proud of me. . .despite the fact I lost in a very unhealthy way and for very bad reasons and despite the fact that I was physically sicker than I had ever been. IT DIDN’T SEEM TO MATTER TO ANYONE HOW SICK I WAS and how unhealthy I was and how I was basically dying from extreme starvation and dehydration. All anyone cared about was that I was skinny and my body looked ideal. So I know what thin privilege feels like. . .it gives you the confidence to leave the house whenever you want to. It gives you an ego boost like no other because clothes actually look GOOD on you. It makes people love you like crazy and lust for you. It helps you get in to basically anywhere you want and it helps you get past so many rules and laws and shit just because you’re skinny. You can fucking get away with anything when you’re skinny. I learned that easily when I was tiny. The second I gained it all back, though? It was like I was barred from everywhere and all of my friends and people who were lusting after me just fucking left.

I mean, yes, I’ve had tons of people tell me I’m attractive. Some irl and most online. I have had people tell me I’m gorgeous and alluring and that my eyes are mesmerizing and that they could gaze into them all day. But it’s always so hard for me to believe. . .because of my weight. Not even because I am ugly. . . but simply because of my obesity.

But I’m trying. I’m really trying. I can’t thank you enough for this message. You just gave me an opportunity to vent and get all my crazy emotions out like I really, really needed to. I was gonna keep it all inside for the night and let it eat me alive and destroy me, but. . .now I feel SO MUCH BETTER after being able to rant like that. You just did more for me than raise my self esteem and give me a little ego boost and make me smile and giggle and make me feel really, REALLY good about myself. . .you just helped me to get through a particularly tough state of mind that would have caused me to pop so many more pills and possibly accidentally overdose. You just seriously saved me by sending me this simple compliment.

I can’t thank you enough. There are no words to express my gratitude to you. You just made my whole night turn from miserable and self-loathing. . .to absolutely wonderful and self-affirming. c: You’re a wonderful human being and I’m so so so glad you took the time to type up this message. I’m sorry I had to vent like that, but I just HAD to get it out. You are the best. Ily. Thank you so so so fucking much. I would kill to hug you tight right now.

Also, I haven’t gotten a compliment on my looks on tumblr in a good while now, so this was very refreshing. I used to get compliments on my looks all the time. . .now I barely get any. So this was a nice change of pace. c: Thank you, again. I wish I had the words to express my gratitude, but no words would be able to formulate how extremely thankful I am to you.