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she-is-tim · 5 years

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I love hating you | Elu enemies to lovers AU | Ch. 12

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 6.5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11

Lucas is an angry, closeted and frustrated gay teenager, while Eliott is the handsome, smart and popular guy in school. They hate each other… but not forever.

Long time no see

Eliott heard the front door open, but he wasn’t going to pay any sort of attention to it. It was probably Lucille coming home from grocery shopping, She will probably yell at him again for smoking, but it’s the only thing that helps him through this shit. He blew out a large cloud of smoke, tearing his eyes from the drawings on the coffee table. Countless scetches of sad and scared hedgehogs. He wanted to rip out his own heart and throw it into the trash, so it wouldn’t be so damn difficult. Tears started to roll down on his cheeks and he kicked into the table, making some of the papers fall on the floor.

“Looks like someone’s grumpy.” he heard a voice from the entrance of the living room. He lazily turned his head, just to face with Sofiane. He could feel another knife stabbing right into his heart, spreading guilt all around his body. He haven’t talked to his best friend since days, he couldn’t even tell what day it was today.

“Hey.” that was all he could say, closing his eyes and leaning back on the couch, taking another drag from his joint.

“Long time no see, huh?” the boy walked in and coughed a little, inhaling some of the smoke that was floating around. “Jesus, how can you stay alive in here?”

“What do you want, Sofiane?” he asked now a bit more irritated than he actually planned, but he needed no babysitter to look out for him.

“I came to talk.” he explained and tried to took a deep breath which ended up in coughing again. He went to the window, opening it just enough to let the smoke leave the room. Eliott made an unpleasant noise, but didn’t get up to close the door. He was too tired and high to move from the couch. He liked to imagine that Lucas was there next to him, saying stupid stuff and complaining about the music he was playing. There was no music of course, but Eliott had a wild imagination, especially when it came to his beloved boy.

“So you’re not gonna talk to me now?” Sofiane asked and flopped down to the armchair across from Eliott. He looked at the ceiling and putting the blunt in the ashtray.

“Talk about what?” he asked, voice hoarse from all the smoking, eyes just slightly burning. “About how I fucked up? About how I scared the only person I love the most?” he was almost yelling now, feeling the tears building up, but he couldn’t let them overflow. Sofiane’s face turned into a painful grimace, seeing his friend like this made him worried and sad.

“You didn’t fuck it up, Eliott.” he sighed after a few minutes of silence, looking at the drawings on the table. “You have to talk to him.” he said seriously.

“No, I can’t.” he shook his head and pulled up his legs, wrapping his arms around his knees. “What I have to do is staying away from him.”

“Are you serious right now?” he raised his eyebrows, looking concerned.

Eliott rolled his eyes at his reaction. He can’t understand, he doesn’t know how it feels when you have no control over your actions, when things happen and you snap out, hurting the people you love in the process. He can’t let Lucas deal with all of that. He already had a mentally ill mother, he shouldn’t be dealing with another one. They are both young, their life just started, Lucas will be able to move on, maybe even fall in love with a guy that deserves him, a guy he deserves. Someone he could count on, he could rely on. Someone he doesn’t have to worry about every single day. Someone who is not gonna leave the hotel room in the middle of the night, completely naked.

“I talked to him, you know.” Sofiane said after realizing that his friend won’t be answering his question. This catched the boy’s attention and snapped his head up from the drawings, looking straight at Sofiane. His eyes were red, traced of dried tears showing on his face, his pupils were so wide the blue was barely visible around it.

“To Lucas?” he asked, barely noticing his own voice, it was distant and different.

“Yeah, to Lucas.” Sofiane sighed, rubbing his temple with two fingers now. His friend gave him a headache sometimes, but he knew that it wasn’t completely his fault, so he just let it slide. “He is not well...”

“You say that, but I saw the stuff on instagram.” Eliott cut him off quickly, grabbing his joint again, lighting with a match, because he couldn’t find his lighter. “He will be fine. He is already fine without me.” he explained, exhaling in the smoke, letting it fill his lungs and burning his throat. He closed his eyes as he let it out, enjoying the little numbness tht already started to take over his body.

“Come on, Eliott! You are going to judge someone’s mood by their insta updates?” he asked, leaning forward and placing his forearms on his knees. “I spoke to him, okay? And he is not okay. It was a dick move to block him everywhere.”

“You don’t get to tell me what is a dick move, okay?” he raised his voice now, his fingers closing around the still lit up joint, not caring that it was burning his palm. “I am not gonna risk everything! I’m not falling into the rabbit hole!” he continued and slammed his fist on the table. Sofiane looked at him, not even startling to his sudden violence.

“Yeah? I think you’re pretty late with that falling, Eliott.” Sofiane said on a serious tone. “I know you since a long time now, I’ve seen how you and Sophie got together, how you were acting around her...” he started and waved his hands to hush the other one when he tried to say something. “I saw you falling apart after what she did. Then you got back up, it took you a long time, but then I noticed the sparks in your eyes. It was similar to how you looked when you dated Sophie, but not the same. You were truly happy. And the way you talked to us about Lucas... That was something new.” he said, a soft smile appearing on his face. “I was glad, because you two seemed to be a perfect match and I still haven’t changed my mind about that. You are stubborn, not able to let go the past and move on completely. Not able to accept that there are people out there who are not going to leave you just because you’re bipolar.”

Silence fell on them as Sofiane finished his monologue. Eliott closed his eyes and dropped the ruined joint into the ashtray, now slightly feeling the pain where it burned his palm. He wanted to believe his friend so badly, but his brain kept screaming at him, that he have to stay away from Lucas, that he will just ruin his life. Everything he felt for him couldn’t protect the boy from what he is, a mess, a burden to everyone. He could see on their faces. His parents, Lucille, Sofiane. All of them were tired, worried, scared. Even after weeks passed since his last episode, they were still watching over him, like he would cut his veins open anytime. He can’t let Lucas turn into someone like that. Not when he had other options in his life.

Eliott was both happy and devastated when he saw the post Lucas made. He obviously blocked the boy on insta, but he wasn’t logged in on his laptop, which meant that he could check his profile without any problems. And he did that since he got out of his bed somewhere around tuesday evening. Since then he didn’t go back to his room, no matter how many times Lucille begged him to. He was staying on the couch, curled up, smoking and crying. Sometimes he grabbed a paper, pencils and drew another hedgehog, throwing on the table alongside the others. But he always checked Lucas’ instagram, until he saw his new picture with Yann. He felt both relief and a knife going deep into his heart, twisting a couple times to hurt even more. He smacked his laptop shut and tossed it to one of the armchairs, not touching it since.

He looked at his friend, who was just sitting there in silence, hands resting on his lap and his eyes gazing at the window. It was both endearing and annoying how Sofiane just didn’t leave right after that damned speech. He wanted to kick him out, but deep inside he liked to have someone around. Someone that wasn’t his overprotective sister.

His best friend’s presence was always filling his mind with calmness and he felt safe with him. Sofiane always made sure that Eliott has anything he needs to be better. When they were younger and they were fighting over something, it was always him taking the first move to make peace. And it was always Eliott who felt the worst, because how could he be mad at such a sunshine like Sofiane. Maybe that’s why he was so jealous when Lucas was alone with him in the Youth Center. He was afraid that the boy would see that there are much more better guys are out there, guys way better than Eliott. But Lucas chose him, multiple times and he really wanted to believe that things will be working, he was in love so much, he didn’t realize that he was slipping. Then shit happened and he ruined everything.

He groaned and grabbed his hair, pulling it as hard as he could, screaming his lungs out as he slipped from the couch down to the floor. Tears rolling down his cheeks uncontrollably. He closes his eyes, not wanting to deal with anything, fingers still holding onto his locks. His lungs are burning, but he can’t stop screaming. Not even when a warm body gets down to him, scooping him up into a tight hug. He lets his hair go and instead he grabs Sofiane’s shirt, burying his face into the crook of his neck, screaming and crying at the same time.

It took him hours to calm down, but Sofiane didn’t leave him for one second, he kept his arms around Eliott’s slim body, protecting him. His panic started to ease slowly, but his fingers were still gripping into his best friend’s shirt, not wanting to let go anytime soon. He sobbed into his chest, trying to speak, but he couldn’t, his throat was so sore and his lungs were burning so bad that he couldn’t force out a single word. Instead he just made quiet noises, closing his eyes. Sofiane let out a soft sigh and moved his hand up and down on Eliott’s back, rubbing it gently, which was actually really calming.

Another thirty minutes later Eliott was fully calm, just resting his head on Sofiane’s shoulder, breathing slowly. His hands slipped off of his shirt now just hanging by his sides. They were still sitting on the floor.

“Do you need anything?” Sofiane asked now softly, hoping to get an answer. The boy cleared his throat, swallowing a couple times.

“Some water.” he whispered, his voice was still kinda gone, so that was the best he could force out. His friend nodded, picking him up from the ground now and putting him down on the couch like he was a porcelain doll. Eliott both hated and liked to be handle like that.

“I’ll be right back.” he said with a soft smile, walking to the kitchen now.

Eliott tried to find a comfortable position, his legs were hanging over the armrest of the couch, so his head can be placed on the other armrest. He both hated and loved this couch. This was his safe place when he couldn’t stand staying in his room anymore. And it was filled with so much memories. Lucas sitting at the piano, playing silly songs, Lucas sitting on his lap and kissing his face everywhere, Lucas sleeping in the armchair with a textbook on his chest. Lucas snorring loudly after that horrible party, looking like a real dumbass while sleeping and Eliott still thought that he was the most beautiful human being he had ever seen in his life.

Sofiane came back with a bottle of water and a bright smile on his face. It was annoying how much of a fucking sunshine he could be within second. His face lit up even to the slightest of good things. It could be helpful when Eliott felt sad, being around such a positive person, but on his depressed periods, he could hate having him around. Right now he felt neutral. Just grabbing the water and chugging up half the bottle. Feeling already refreshed thanks to it.

“Feeling better?” Sofiane asked, sitting down in the armchair again.

“Can you put on some music?” Eliott asked now, ignoring the question completely and pointed at the bluetooth speaker on the bookshelf.

“Sure thing.” he said smiling and looked for a spotify playlist to start. It had some soft songs, instrumental, light rock, pop, anything that was chill. Eliott kinda liked it, so he just put down the water bottle and closed his eyes, letting himself drift off into the darkness, falling asleep slowly.

Eliott was staring at the picture for almost ten minutes now and honestly, he wanted to bash his head into the keyboard of his laptop. Seeing how fine Lucas was already made his heart hurt even more. He knew that this was the best for the boy and that he was the one who pushed Lucas away, but he still had any rights to be upset, especially cause he missed everyone from the flat. He missed his evening games with Mika, their movie nights with everyone, Lisa’s soft complains when he and Lucas was making out on the couch. But he missed Lucas more than anything. His soft touches, his voice, his hugs and just being around him. Eliott felt like he is drowning, dark clouds surrounding him, trying to suffocate him.

He sighed and closed his laptop angrily, grabbing a scetchbook and starting to draw. This time he wasn’t going to make another hedgehog doodle, but one with a raccoon. He had to put his feelings on paper, to get rid of them. It was his way to express himself and to help coping with the burning pain that was eating up his heart. He tried a lot of times, but somehow he couldn’t grab into the feeling that surrounded him. It was hard to describe and even harder to draw. He tried to put on some music, smoking a cigarette, but it didn’t really help. He got mad and threw the scetchbook across the room, letting it land on the floor.

He hated how tidy everything was. Lucille kept cleaning up, throwing out the crumpled papers, beer bottles, emptying the ashtray and shit like that. At least he was glad that she wasn’t being nosy and trying to hide his cigarettes this time. She learned her lessons and Eliott wasn’t a kid anymore, he was already 18.

An hour later, like a lightning struck he knew what he had to draw, so he fetched another scetchbook, hence the other one was still lying on the floor too far from him to even try to get to it and he started to draw. When he was done, he was struggling whether he should put it on instagram or not, but his depressed mind wanted to shout at the world that it’s their fault he’s feeling bad. He took a deep breath, taking a photo of the drawing, editing it a little and then uploading it to his insta with no caption.

He couldn’t remember when he fell back asleep again, but he woke up to a nice melody. First it was like it’s coming from far away, like a distant sound, but as he got more conscious, the melody got louder and louder. He could recognize that it was piano music and he wanted to kill the person that dared to put that on while he was so depressed. Both Lucille and Sofiane knew how much he wanted to avoid listening to piano, since it only reminded him of Lucas. Another few agonizing minutes he wanted to just get up and turn off the music, but as he opened his eyes and looked to the side, he saw someone sitting at the piano.

First he didn’t believe his eyes, he thought that this is just a dream, so he let himself enjoy the view. He could notice that beautiful, messy hair anytime, even from behind. Lucas was wearing dark jeans and a dark grey shirt. He didn’t look at Eliott, he was busy playing a beautiful melody which made the tall boy’s heart beat faster. He could feel all the emotions the boy was trying to show with his play. It was so passionate, slow but somehow still fast, romantic and endearing. It was just full of love and Eliott couldn’t believe that this was reality.

He slowly sat on up the couch, watching his beloved boy running his fingers on the piano keys, making beautiful sounds with it. His heart was beating faster. He haven’t seen Lucas since that doomed saturday and it was so unreal. He was still so beautiful, his hair seemed soft like always, the veins popped through his skin as he played and Eliott was stunned by them. He had a sudden urge to reach out and touch them, but he got startled when the boy finished playing and turned around. He was just a little surprised to see that Eliott was awake, then a soft smile appeared on his face.

“You know what this music is called?” he asked softly, without greeting, just into the middle. Eliott liked that a lot, he had to admit.

“No.” he mumbled and rubbed his eyes a little, making sure that this is, in fact the reality. “Could you tell me?” he asked on a surprisingly soft tone. That’s why he didn’t wanted to meet him, because he couldn’t push him away when he was basically melting in his presence. A playful smirk appeared on the short boy’s face, hitting Eliott right in the heart.

“It’s called I love you.” he said proudly, turning his whole body towards Eliott and he seemed a bit more shy, some redness appearing on his cheeks. “You know why I played this piece?” he asked and Eliott swallowed, trying to control his fast breathing and wiping his sweaty hands in his black sweatpants. He couldn’t force out a word, so he just decided to shook his head. Lucas sighed and looked down at his hands that were resting in his lap, then he looked at Eliott. “Because I love you.” he said seriously now, his blue eyes full of determination and something else. Eliott’s heart skipped a beat, or even two, he didn’t know, but tears started to build up in his eyes.

“I love you too.” he whispered, which made the other boy smile at him brightly.

Guys! I can’t tell you enough how much I love all of you and appreciate all the nice messages, all the likes and comments I get from you because of this story. Sadly this one is getting to its end, but I hope you guys will bear with me in the future. I have some ideas and I really hope you will love them. Bisous

#Skam France #I love hating you #Elu enemies to lovers au #Eliott Demaury #Lucas Lallemant #Sofiane Alaoui #Eliott x Lucas

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artsydoodle · 6 years

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“tired of sleep”

darkness. a thing that makes people scared most of the time, where you can't see anythign exept light. a place where monsters can be on every place, anytime, anywhere. a place where i'd rather dislike being as a child. i still don't like the darkness of my bedroom, especially when i'm still awake. some people are comfortable in the dark, they feel safe. i'm not one of those people. i know what are in those shadows at night. the darkness is not my friend. i'd stay away from it as much as possible, even if it means staying up all night. i do that quite for a long time, until my body finally shuts down, and i pass out. i do regain my strength after a few hours or so. i use the night time as a working period. i'm too scared to even turn the lights off. there's no one who can stop me from staying up all night, since i haven't started a relationship, and my familly is in another country. i moved from the Netherlands to Canada. i was going to see my boyfriend for the first time, i was exited. turned out my boyfriend i have been dating for 9 years, was a 56 year old man, who had tricked kids into thinking he was way younger. he was arested and put in jail for a few years. i now know there's no possibility for love, at least not for me. i grab my scetching book while walking towards my bed. i feel tired, but i'm not going to sleep at least for 5 hours. i can't sleep while that...”thing” could be watching, waiting for me to turn the light off, and fall asleep. i'm not going to let “it” get the chance, like last year. i start scetching, but i'm still aware of my surroundings. if i wake up and something is missing, out of place or just moved for a tiny bit, i'll burn this house to the ground with “it” inside. i know its somewhere, i can feel it. though i've never seen it, i know its there. its not hard to spot its shadow at the corner of my eye, when i doze off, or get too much attention for my scetches, it just suddenly appears. but when i regain attention for the room, its just...gone. it would go as quick as it came. i've never seen it good enough, not clear enough to see what it looks like, but i sure know i don't have to know. it sounds like i'm crazy right? well, maybe i am. maybe i'm not. i don't give a fuck though. but if that “thing” does exist, then i won't stop keeping myself awake as i'm doing now.

it sounds like its not hard to kill “it”, just burn the house down, or call the cops. but theres a pattern it uses. somethimes it apears in corners somethimes in the bathroom while i shower, or take a bath, somethimes it just knocks on my window or door. but what mostly creeps me out, is that i'm home alone. i can't talk to anyone about this, not my friends, not my family, no person shoukd know this but me. its because i once told a friend of mine about the creature. her name was Max, a twelve year old girl at the time. she was a girl that could really listen to me, and make me feel better. she was a person you could trust with your problems, even some secrets. i was fifteen when i first started noticing that “thing” so i talked to Max about it. she was horrified about the thing i told her. a few days after, she started changing. form skin colour, to personality, even her voice changed. the next thing i knew a few weeks after, i saw on the news she had comitted suicide. i was so heart broken, i had killed one of my best friends, and a really great person. i was filled with guilt, i even stopped eating for a few days. its the reason i'll never tell anyone. not a living being in this world diserves the ending she had because of me. now that you think of it, maybe she had the same thing, and thaught i got it too because of me hanging out with her. it doesn't matter though, she's gone and i'm the only one thats alive. if you see it from another perspective, this is a fight between life, and a horrible way of death. after all, we fight against death, its how we survive in this world. i wish i would've had a normal life though.

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