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ladylillianrose · 4 years

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Extraordinarily Star-Crossed a Max Richman/Zoey Clarke Fanfiction

A/N:Thank you everyone for all your comments and support! We are entering the last era before we make it to modern-day! @clarkemanotp and I really do appreciate all your love for this story! This tale truly is a labor of love!

Atlantic Ocean, April 1912 Chapter 1

Paris, France 1792 Chapter 6

Paris, France 1792 Chapter 5

Paris, France 1792 Chapter 4

Paris, France 1792 Chapter 3

Paris, France 1792 Chapter 2

Paris, France 1792 Chapter 1

Florence, Italy 1485 Chapter 6

Florence, Italy 1485 Chapter 5

Florence, Italy 1485 Chapter 4

Florence, Italy 1485 Chapter 3

Florence, Italy 1485 Chapter 2

Florence, Italy 1485 Chapter 1

Greece 382 B.C.E. Chapter 6

Greece 382 B.C.E. Chapter 5

Greece 382 B.C.E. Chapter 4

Greece 382 B.C.E. Chapter 3

Greece 382 B.C.E. Chapter 2

Greece 382 B.C.E. Chapter 1

The Underworld

"What I don't understand is how you found yourself in this situation in the first place," Mo said, threading a rather large needle.

"Someone didn't meet me at our previously arranged time," Leif muttered.

"Where is he, by the way? You all are normally back by now."

"I heard something about him falling in love with a mortal. He's probably spending her last few years by her side," Leif explained.

"Awww, our little Tobin, all grown up and falling in love. You think it will make him more mature?" Mo grinned, holding his measuring tape to Leif's torso.

Leif snorted, "Not a chance."

As though summoned by their discussion of him, Tobin waltzed into the room. "Bro, what happened to you?" he gestured at Leif's headless body.

Leif's head rolled his eyes from its position on Mo's worktable. "Oh, this? It's nothing just a minor run-in with THE GUILLOTINE!!"

Tobin winced as Leif yelled at him, "I looked for you when we arrived in Paris. You were supposed to meet me at the docks on August 2nd! We got there and you were nowhere to be found!"

Leif's head frowned, "No, you were supposed to meet me there August 1st! And when you didn't arrive, I was arrested and beheaded under suspicion of being an English spy!"

Tobin couldn't help the snicker that escaped his lips, "So, what you're saying is that you got there ahead of me?"

Leif sighed, "Here we go…"

"No, seriously man. I'm sorry we got the dates mixed up. But really, it's nothing to lose your head over."

Mo chuckled as he began sewing Lief's head back onto his body.

"Must you continue?" Leif rolled his eyes, trying his best to ignore Tobin's antics.

"I've got one more joke, though it may go over your head!" Tobin collapsed onto the sofa laughing at his own wit.

"And to think you're leaving me alone with him," Leif groused at Mo.

Mo made the final stitch to Leif before responding. "It's my turn to offer my expertise to our young couple. Besides, have you seen the hats they wore then? I was not going to pass up a chance to snag one of them!"

"On the off chance that things go wrong this time, we may need to consider a new plan to break Aphrodite's curse," Leif suggested, inspecting Mo's handiwork in the mirror.

Mo and Tobin nodded in agreement.

"I hate to say it, but it may be time to talk to them," all three of them shuddered at the prospect.

"If and only if, things do not go well this time, do we involve them," Mo stated as he grabbed his bag. "I've got a good feeling about things this time around," he grinned at the other two and walked out the door.

"Sorry about all those jokes, bro," Tobin apologized to Leif.

Leif waved him off, "It's to be expected."

"I hadn't even thought of them before, they were all just off the top of my head!"

Leif groaned, "It's going to be an unbearable era!"

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Queenstown, Ireland April 11, 1912

Cordelia Haughey nee Murphy stood staring in awe at the large ship, her eyes wide with wonder at how something that large could even stay afloat.

"Excited, Delia?" her husband Andrew asked, as he smiled at her. Setting down their bags he wrapped his arms around her waist lovingly.

Cordelia sighed, enjoying the feel of his strong arms around her. She tilted her head and brushed a kiss along his cheek.

"I can't believe we're actually going to New York on that ship!"

"It's our chance for a whole new start," Andrew said, a slight frown marring his handsome features.

Reaching up, Corelia caressed his cheek, "Come now my love, this is our honeymoon. Don't let thoughts of the past cloud our joy."

Andrew's face softened, he kissed the palm of her hand, and lovingly ran his fingers along with her simple gold wedding band. "I'm sorry, my heart. I just wish…."

Cordelia nodded, "I know, love. I know."

________________________________________________________________

Their families had been against the match from the start. The Murphy's were a proud Irish family, rarely did they stray far from the land they had farmed for generations. Cordelia had been expected to marry a good Irish lad and settle to raise their family nearby, ensuring the next generation of Murphy's grew up near their roots. This was the way things had always been with the Murphy's, so why should Cordelia expect her future to be any different? But as soon as she met Andrew, she knew that fate had other plans in store for her.

Andrew Haughey had been sent by his father to investigate a small parcel of land willed to their client. Letters had been sent informing the landowners of his pending visit, but there had been no response, which explained the lack of a welcoming committee at the train station. Never one to be deterred, Andrew grabbed his bag and began walking down the dirt road. He had dutifully studied the map of the property in question, so finding the farm proved to be a simple task. He arrived at the farm, just as a young woman with hair the color of flames, stormed out of the chicken coop.

"Fine! Keep your damned eggs, you spiteful old biddies!" she yelled, giving the door a kick for good measure.

Andrew unsuccessfully tried to stifle a laugh, as the young woman turned, her cheeks flushed at her outburst being overheard.

"I'm so sorry, I had no idea anyone was nearby!" she apologized, refusing to meet his eyes.

Andrew smiled and waved off her apology, "I should be the one apologizing, I didn't mean to startle you."

She smiled and looked up at him for the first time, his breath caught at the piercing blue of her eyes. "I'm Cordelia Murphy," she said, introducing herself.

"It’s a pleasure, Miss Murphy, I'm Andrew Haughey."

"What brings you out to my family's farm, Mr. Haughey? Your accent places you a long way from home," Cordelia gestured for him to follow her towards the house.

"Well, I'm here to speak to your father about a small part of the farm that was left to a client of mine," Andrew explained awkwardly. "I had written to inform him of my arrival but…."

"I see," Cordelia frowned. "Do you have a place to stay, while you conduct your business?"

He blushed, "I must confess that I had not planned that far ahead. There was an inn not too far back that I'll see if I can rent a room at."

"Father has gone to the city for supplies and won't return for at least a week. In the meantime, you are welcome to stay in the farmhand's bunkhouse."

Cordelia glanced at the attractive man next to her, hoping he would say yes. He was handsome to be sure, but there was something more that drew her toward him, as though their hearts already knew each other.

Andrew was taken aback by her offer, "I appreciate that, but I doubt that would endear me any further to your father if he learned that I was here with you alone."

Cordelia laughed, "Oh, I'm not here alone! It's almost impossible to be alone when you're a Murphy."

"Then where is everyone?"

"My mother just returned from checking on my brother's wife, she's nearing time for the baby to be born. They live just in that house over there," she pointed to a small house nearby. "Then there's my sister and her family who live in that one, just over the hill. And my younger brothers and sister still live with Mam, Da, and I in the larger house just here."

"You must all be very close with one another," Andrew observed, taking in how close all the properties were to the main house.

Cordelia smiled, "We are, though a moment or two alone wouldn't go amiss."

Andrew let out a chuckle and nodded in agreement.

Opening the door to the large house, Cordelia placed her empty egg basket on the bench and hung up her shawl.

"Mam?" she called.

"In the kitchen!"

"You can set your bag right on that bench there. Take a seat, and I'll be right back," Cordelia headed in the direction of what he assumed was the kitchen.

Andrew wandered around the small living room, enjoying the warmth and coziness it exuded. He frowned as he imagined the look of disdain his father would have at such simple furnishings.

"Who are you?" he heard a small voice ask from behind him. Turning he saw a young girl, roughly 5 years old, staring at him in confusion.

He bent down to her eye level, "My name is Andrew Haughey, what's yours?"

"Norah Murphy," she stated proudly.

"A pleasure to meet you, Miss Norah," Andrew smiled as he shook her small hand.

"You sound funny," Norah said wrinkling her nose.

He chuckled, "Ahh, that would be because I'm from a place called Scotland."

Norah's eyes widened and she opened her mouth to ask another question.

"Norah Claire!" a voice interrupted. "Leave our guest alone, and come wash up for supper!"

"Yes, Mam!" Norah quickly ran to the kitchen to follow her mother's instructions, nearly running into Cordelia in the process.

"Come, I'll show you where you can get cleaned up. Then I'll take you to the bunkhouse after supper," she smiled at him. Andrew smiled in return, Cordelia's heart skipped a beat.

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By the time Cordelia's father had returned from the city, Andrew and Cordelia were smitten with one another. Andrew had sent a telegram to his father to tell him of his attachment, saying that he hoped when he returned home that it would be with Cordelia as his wife.

Robert Haughey was less than pleased with the news he received from his son. He replied immediately, stating that under no circumstances was he to bring some Irish farm girl home as his bride. He was to return home at once and Robert would send someone else to deal with the Murphy property.

Andrew was furious, how dare his father orders him around as though he were a disobedient child. He was an adult, free to love and marry whomsoever he chose.

Cordelia was facing a similar disagreement with her parents.

"I will not have my daughter marrying some Scottish lawyer, and running off to Lord knows where!" her father thundered. "You are a Murphy, it's your duty to stay here on our land, marry and raise a family!"

"But that's not what I want!" Cordelia cried. "That's what you want for me! I love Andrew, and he loves me! I'd rather be anywhere in the world with him than trapped here on this awful farm!" She stormed out of the house, racing across the field to the bunkhouse.

Andrew opened the door and Cordelia threw herself into his arms sobbing.

"Delia, what's happened?" he asked, concerned.

"They don't care that I love you and you love me, it's not what Murphys do. Being a Murphy means being trapped here on this godforsaken farm, never to have a moment’s peace," she bit out between sobs.

Andrew frowned, "My father shares a similar sentiment."

"What are we going to do? I won't give you up, not when I've just found you," she declared firmly.

"Nor I, you," he replied, dropping a kiss on her forehead.

"We could leave, together…," Cordelia suggested, quietly.

"Start a new life somewhere else?" Andrew mused.

"Yes! We could get married, and find a ship that's traveling far away from here, where no one knows our families! Just you and me, a fresh start!" Cordelia's eyes sparkled as she looked at him eagerly.

"I've heard stories about a ship leaving next month for New York. It's departing from Queenstown, I'm sure we could still manage to book passage on it!" Andrew explained, quickly warming up to the idea.

"Then what are we waiting for!" Cordelia excitedly peppered his face with kisses.

Andrew laughed, "Go pack your bags, my darling. Once everyone is asleep we'll leave, and when we board the ship in Queenstown, it will be as man and wife!"

________________________________________________________________

*BWAAAHHPP!*

The ship's horn blasted, pulling Cordelia from her musings.

"I do believe that's our cue," Andrew smiled at her, moving to gather their bags. Weaving expertly through the crowd, Cordelia followed him closely, practically jumping with excitement. This ship would take them to begin their new lives in New York. A whole new adventure awaited them on the other side of the ocean, and they would face it together. As they boarded the ship, Cordelia felt a weight lift off her shoulders. They were finally free.

________________________________________________________________

A/N:

Andrew Haughey, a Scottish Lawyer (traveling 2nd class)- Max Cordelia Murphy, an Irish farmer's daughter, newly married to Andrew (traveling 2nd class)- Zoey Alexis Howard, an English singer and entertainer (traveling 2nd class)- Mo

#clarkeman #clarkeman fanfiction #max x zoey #zoey x max #max x zoey fanfiction #zoey x max fanfiction #zoey's extraordinary playlist #zoey's extraordinary playlist fanfiction #zoeys playlist #zoeys playlist fanfiction #zoeysplaylist #zoeysplaylist fanfiction #fanfiction #Extraordinarily Star Crossed

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kee-writestrashh · 5 years

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Guns for Hire

Ramsay Bolton x Reader

ao3

Summary: You are the wife to the Heir of the Red Kings, Ramsay Bolton. living the undercover life of a mob wife has its perks, and you love your husband. But you find out something that seems to unfold a series of unwanted events…

Chapter 52: Wind of Change

[You: meet me in the den in 10.]

You stood there wondering if you had time to make it to your bedroom to change before having to be in the living area.

[Matt: already here.]

You'd better not risk it. Ramsay was already stressed and on the verge of a snap.

[Ben: 10-4]

[Alyn: give me like 5 min.]

[You: better hurry or I will break your knee caps, Alyn!]

You examined the ugly curtains as you walked down the hall. Those would definitely have to go. What century were they even from? Gross.

You entered the den to find Matt and Alyn, arguing over baseball teams.

"What's up?" Alyn asked as you took your seat beside him.

"I want to get Rams out for the night. He's turning into a cranky old businessman." You said with a heavy sigh.

"I can't go. Race night. Have a spot to defend." Alyn said with an apologetic shrug.

You frowned and shot a look at Matt, who quailed under your glare.

"I'm free." He said quickly as Ben walked in, looking rather angry.

"Stop yelling at me, woman!" He yelled as Carmen could be heard shouting from down the hall.

"Not even going to ask you, because you're coming. You could use a drink or five." You said as Ben threw himself in a chair with an irritable growl.

"Where we goin'?" Matt asked.

"Dunno. I'm always just along for the ride, you boys can choose."

"Well, what are you wanting to do?" Ben asked, eyeing you closely.

"Find someone for my husband to take his frustration out on." You said.

Ben gave an understanding nod, "right. Got a couple places we could go. Are you feeling expensive rich or just rich?"

You snorted, "does it matter?"

"Nah, rich people are shitbags." Ben chuckled, motioning to your group.

"Hey, don't include me in that. I'm not rich." Matt chuckled.

"Nah, you just now have temporary residence in a manor where people wait on you hand and foot, make more money a week than most do in a month, own a brand new Corvette with thousands of dollars of custom work done on top of the list price, and head a street gang with a bloody reputation." Ben laughed, "oh, and at the age of eighteen. You are such a little Ramsay."

Matt flushed, shrugging in defeat, giving a shy grin.

Ramsay walked in, looking your group over. So small now with Damon gone. And even Yellow Dick. You wondered if Ramsay would fill in Yellow Dick's spot?

"Well?" He asked, looking over at you.

"I have two of three." You said, hopefully.

"Who's being a party foul?" Ramsay asked, frowning.

Alyn raised his hand, "Racing tonight."

Ramsay tutted and sucked his front teeth, "ever find out what happened to the Stark girl?"

Ben shook his head, "nothing. She's a ghost apparently. Like the rest of her family."

"Hm." Ramsay hummed, "Well I guess it doesn't matter. Where are we going?"

"There's a new club that just opened up on the north strip, not our kind of place. But it's No Man's Land. I'm sure we could drop some elbows on Lions and Stags. Got some men itching to make some money." Ben said giving Ramsay a sly grin.

"Then let's go drop some elbows. We leave in three." Ramsay smirked, glancing down at his watch.

"I don't have to wear a tie do I? I'm really not cut out for that." Matt hummed, pulling his hat down over his eyes, crossing his arms, and pushing himself back into the couch as far as he could.

"I won't make you wear a tie, but you're not going to look like a slob, representing me." Ramsay said, kicking Matt's dirty shoes.

"Yessir." Matt yawned, pulling a blanket over him.

You rose from your seat, stomach rumbling.

"Well, I'm going to go raid the fridge." You said leaving the Boys.

You stood there staring at the shelves of the refrigerator with a small frown.

"Whatcha doin'?" Kaden asked, from his spot at the bar, drinking from his straw.

"Well it would seem that your Cousin Damon is hungry, but nothing seems appetizing to him." You sighed, closing the door.

"What kind of things does he like? Maybe you could add them all together." Kaden said, eyeing your belly.

You laughed, "I don't think it would taste very good honestly. What do you have goin' on there?"

Kaden held up a dinosaur chicken nugget, "Abuela made me dinner before she went to help mama. You can have some if you like."

"Dinos it is, then." You laughed. He beamed.

You made a plate and sat beside Kaden, who kicked his feet against his stool.

"What kind of vegetables do you like?" You asked.

"Peas are my favorite. And green beans. And corn." Kaden said brightly, looking down at his plate.

"Hm. Me too. Uncle Ramsay hates peas." You said, pushing your peas around on the plate.

"Well he just don't know what he's missin'." Kaden said, chewing on his straw.

You laughed. He sounded just like his father. Children. Perfect miniature versions of their parents. For the sake of your sanity, hopefully your son was more like you, not that you were any better than your husband... But maybe not quite so wild.

"So... do you eat the head or the tail first?" You asked, examining the t-rex closely.

"Depends." Kaden shrugged, tearing into his nugget.

"On?" You asked, watching the boy with a grin.

"Oh, don't be stupid. It depends on the time of day and rotational tilt of the earth in the fourth year in the trans-something-or-another orbital... shit." Ramsay said with an air of superiority, yet finishing rather lamely.

You snorted and rolled your eyes, pulling your hand away from him.

"Get your own, good sir." You shrieked, waving your husband away.

"I'm afraid mine have all gone extinct." Ramsay sighed in mock sadness, glancing down at his watch, "they all moved from Jurassic Park to Jurassic World."

You laughed. Kaden crinkled his brows in confusion.

"Kid! Why did you let her force those nasty little things on you?" Ramsay said in distaste, looking down at the peas.

"We like peas." You said, sticking your tongue out.

"Yeah. We like the good stuff." Kaden pipped up, finally setting his fork down long enough to speak.

"Knock some sense into you, boy." Ramsay tutted, taking a seat beside you.

You looked at your husband fondly. He was quite a character. How could someone so full if anger and rage, and yet act like he had no emotions, be so charming and funny? How did he do it?

"Ah! There you are, tiny ese. I've been looking everywhere for you." Ben sighed, walking in.

"Sorry, he was my dinner date." You said, offering a smile, holding up your nugget and biting its head off.

"Nah, it's cool. Just didn't want my ass chewed by the devil woman." Ben said, glancing around hopefully for food, swiping a handful of nuggets from the tray. "You know, these are the best drunk food. Kid you not."

"Children." Ramsay tutted, rolling his eyes.

"Says the man with thirty boxes of Scooby-Doo gummy snacks." You said with a sly grin.

He shrugged, pushing his stool away from the bar and standing.

You finished the last of your food, "sweetheart, I enjoyed our dinner. Maybe we can do it again sometime. Maybe you can help me make pizza. I make really good pizza dough."

"The best." Alyn added, walking in, "right I'm out of here. Need to change tires. I'll be back sometime tonight. Don't plan on racing all night, but got some other shit to do."

"Like what?" Matt asked, walking in behind Alyn, swiping a soda off the counter.

"Your mom." Alyn chuckled, side stepping Matt's fist and shaking Ramsay's hand.

"Well, I'm going to go get dressed, I guess, while you three pregame." You said, sliding from your stool.

Ramsay slapped your ass as you walked past. You threw him a dirty look, heat rising in your face as Kaden giggled.

Halfway up the stairs you ran into Carmen.

"Have you seen my little one?" She asked.

"Him and I just finished dinner. He was still in the kitchen with Ben when I left." You smiled, pushing up the stairs.

You glanced out a window at a cloudy, twilit sky as you walked past.

"Whew. I'm getting too pregnant for this." You muttered, crossing your room to your closet. You glanced the dresses over with a small frown as the door clicked behind you. Grey fuzz and a tiny meow wound around your leg as you turned to see Ramsay standing there.

"There you are. I was beginning to worry you were lost somewhere." You said with a small smile, glancing down at Herman. You looked up at your husband, "what am I dressing for? Is it cold?"

"A bit of a chill in the air. Just be grungy. We are rich enough to afford that look without being looked down on." Ramsay shrugged, pulling his tie from over his head and tossing it on the bed.

You crossed over to him, slowly unbuttoning his shirt and kissing each bit of skin you exposed.

He drew a deep breath, resting his hands on your hips as you kissed across his chest. The cuts from the night before still hot and angry, yet scabbed over nicely... or as nicely as scabs and cuts went.

"How was work?" You asked, resting you cheek to his left breast and listening to his heartbeat.

"Fucking bullshit. Losing roughly twelve point five in sales, as everything burnt to the ground. Someone, and if I ever find out who, they are more than dead, set up some dodgy fucking insurance scam. So all building and replacing will come out of pocket. So that's easily another three to four months of lost income." He said bitterly.

"Yes, maybe... But, the bar opens next Saturday. And you've projected a decent amount of legit income from that." You said with an encouraging smile as you pulled away from him to find a pair of jeans and band tee.

"When is the last time you talked to Olyvar?" He asked, stepping into the closet with you, nudging the cat out of the way.

"Hmm... been a couple days. Why?" You said, grabbing a pair of jeans from a hanger.

"Just curious. You seem rather distant from him in the last few months." He shrugged, examining two pairs of jeans.

"We've all had a lot going on. He understands. But after the bar opens, we will be able to see one another a lot more." You said, sliding your pants down, and pulling your shirt off to change.

"Is it weird that I find you extremely fucking hot while you're pregnant?" He asked, running his eyes over you with a wolfish grin.

"I'm going to say no, for the sake of my self-esteem." You grinned, struggling to button your pants and finally giving up with a frustrated sigh.

Ramsay pulled you into him, nipping at your ear, "leave them like that. I will make it worth it."

"Is that so?" You purred, pushing a finger into his bare chest.

"Have I ever failed you yet, little mama?"

You gave an embarrassed grin, pulling a shirt from its hanger and sliding it over your head.

"How long do I have?" You asked, walking into the bathroom and crossing the cold marble floor to a vanity in the corner.

"Long as you want." Ramsay shrugged, leaning in the doorway and watching you as you plugged a curling iron in.

"Well, give me about thirty minutes and I will be ready." You said, looking at him through the mirror.

"Aye, aye." Ramsay hummed, pushing off the door frame and leaving.

×××

Ramsay helped you from the car, dropping the keys in the valet's hand and grabbed the teenager by the front of his shirt, "fuck her up at all and I will kill you. Literally." He growled, shoving the kid away from him.

"Y-yes sir." The kid nodded, eyes wide in fear, clutching the keys to his chest.

You grabbed Ramsay's hand and pulled him along, "stop being so grouchy."

Ramsay clucked, "I'm not grouchy, woman."

"Mhm, and I'm not almost six months pregnant." You replied, leading him to where Ben and Matt were leaning against a wall.

"Haven't seen that shirt in a minute." Ben said, glancing your shirt over.

You had chosen one of Ramsay's old band tees, as none of your shirts were long enough to hide the fact that your pants were unbuttoned and only halfway zipped.

"Yeah, guess I had left it in my closet when I left home. Shit ton of other things I forgot I had." Ramsay said, looking at the shirt with an almost uncharacteristically sad smile, that made you feel as though you should have chosen something else.

"Scorpions, man. Best concert ever. I miss Dame whistling 'Wind of Change'. He always did it at the worst times." Ben grinned with the same sad look.

You gave Matt a quick glance who gave you the same look. Two outsiders intruding on heartbreak.

Ramsay laced his fingers in yours and led you through the doors.

It was loud, dim, and you could feel the music drumming in your chest as people walked around wearing glow sticks and very revealing clothing.

You pulled Ramsay along with you to an empty table near the most vacant side of the club.

You made to sit but Ramsay pulled you into his lap as Matt and Ben waded through the crowd towards the bar.

You watched people dance, laugh, and shout at one another in loud, drunken voices as Ramsay rested his chin on your shoulder, occasionally biting at your neck.

Ben returned with a tray of shots, and a few moments later Matt returned with Tyene on his arm, who was closely followed by Obella.

You smiled brightly at them both and gave them brief one armed hugs.

Ben passed out the shots and Matt sat a glass of water in front of you as you shed your jacket, placing it in the empty chair beside you were a shot for Damon had been set.

"So glad you came. We have some news." Tyene said, sitting beside you and Ramsay.

"Well, spill the beans." You prompted, leaning forward to rest your elbows on the table as Ramsay ran his hand up the back of your shirt, tugging at your bra strap.

"Tyrion Lannister has been spotted, in the presence of some blonde. No one seems to know exactly who she is. Working on that. Cersei is going off the deep end. Really twisting the Tyrell's into doing all her dirty work. Heard she's about to put in for running for mayor", -Ramsay snorted into his glass- "Right? Anyways, Feds are crawling all over. Upturning every rock. Asking all kinds of questions to all kinds of people. Offering safety and amnesty for cooperation and shit. It's getting weird." Tyene finished by taking a long drink from Matt's glass.

"Maybe I should have Alyn drop the spot and not race tonight..." Ramsay said thoughtfully, glancing at his watch again.

You squirmed in discomfort as baby movements caught you unawares in the ribs.

"But you girls are safe? No problems from anyone?" You asked, glancing the club over and taking a sip of water.

"Not yet. Just a matter of time. With Papa's record, we will be targeted." Obella cut in.

You looked at the two girls and frowned, "keep your ears and eyes open, but don't engage in anything. Please. For your safety. The Boys and Kings can take care of the muscle. Report anything suspicious to me immediately. I will come by the shop tomorrow. I'm taking my soon to be sister in law dress shopping and all that jazz. Mostly I'm just ready to cake taste, but... whatevs."

"You didn't tell me that." Ramsay frowned, giving you a hard look and digging a nail into your back.

"Sorry baby. I guess I forgot. Kind of been a long few days." You said, offering an apologetic smile.

He merely clucked in annoyance, watching people walk by.

You leaned back into Ramsay who seemed to have melted into his chair as he continued to drink and light cigarette after cigarette.

"You okay?" You asked, kissing at his ear.

"Fine." He sighed, wrapping his arms around you, resting his hands on your belly.

"Liar." You hissed, grinding your ass into his pants.

He pushed his hips into you and let a smirk form.

"You are evil." He chuckled, sitting up straight and pulling you further back into him.

"I learned from the best." You winked, nipping the corner of his mouth.

"Have you found someone yet? I'm getting bored. This place blows."

"Bored? Well we can't have that now, can we?" You said, standing up and glancing around.

"What are you doing?" He asked, resting his elbows on the table and watching you through narrowed eyes.

"Making it a bit more fun." You grinned walking away into the crowd.

You glanced back to see Ramsay sitting there in momentary confusion before he rose from his seat, as someone bumped you in the arm.

You turned to see who it was. A very drunk man, who grabbed your arm painfully with a grin.

You looked at him in disgust and pulled away from him. You glanced him over quickly, taking his image in so you could find him later before pushing on further into the alcohol perfumed crowd.

You glanced around to find yourself alone in a group of strangers, all having a good time. It was hot and you quickly grew tired of people bumping into you, afraid someone may accidentally hurt your pregnant belly. You pushed through the crowd until the breathing air became a bit cooler, and moving space was more ample. You turned to give a sweeping glance over the crowd again, grinning in triumph that you had given your husband the slip.

You turned back around and stifled a small gasp as Ramsay pressed his lips harshly to yours.

"Nice try. But I believe you are now 'it'." He chuckled, pulling you in closer, and sliding his tongue in your mouth.

You closed your eyes, relaxing into him, running your tongue over his, tasting the alcohol and cigarette smoke.

He pulled away from you when you were both breathless.

"I found the man I want to kill." You panted, pulling him back in for another kiss.

"Show me." He murmured against your lips with a dark grin.

"I don't know where he went. But he's wearing a dark button up with a purple tie. Dark hair, grey eyes. Wearing a stupid smirk like he owns the goddamn place." You said, glancing around again.

"Dark shirt, purple tie. Got it." He hummed, tugging you back along to your table.

It was as if the heavens knew how to deliver, as the man sat at your table, having a seemingly good time with your girls, Ben, and Matt.

Ramsay caught your eye and you gave a tiny nod and shrug.

"And who is our friend here?" Ramsay asked in polite interest, eyes glittering in the thrill of the hunt.

"Names Cley. Cley Cerwyn." The man said, glancing you over again.

"Hm. That last name sounds familiar?" Ramsay said, pretending to take an interest and sitting at the table, pulling you possessively into his lap.

"Yeah, maybe. Family full of cops. My father worked a lot with Ned Stark and his son." Cley said with a nod.

Ramsay snapped his fingers and gave a mock gasp of shock, "that's right. I know your father. Or knew your father, rather. I stomped his fucking head in a couple months back. Real pain in the ass he was."

You watched the man stare dumbfounded at Ramsay, who motioned to Matt and Ben before the man could register what was going on.

"Let's go have a bit of fun." Ramsay smirked, sliding you from his lap as Ben seemed to do no more than pat the guy on the shoulder as he slumped forward, unconscious. Looking simply as a passed out drunk.

"Oh, I love when you do that." Ramsay chuckled, looking down at the man.

Ben gave a grin and a wink as you waved to Obella and Tyene.

×××

"Well, this is new." You said, glancing around the abandoned building.

"Just found it. Haven't used it yet. Just a run down apartment complex. Set to be demolished soon." Ramsay said, opening a door for you.

You entered the flat, glancing around the empty place bathed in the orange glare from the street light outside. It had the smell of a house that had been left to sit and rot. You glimpsed a mouse running across the floor to get away from you.

Ramsay grabbed your hand and tugged you into a small kitchen. The cabinets open, appliances gone, but the outline of them etched on the walls. Ramsay turned on the sink tap, grinning as the water came out. He had no doubt had the water turned on, ready to use this place at least once before it was gone. You assumed it to be like a tiny little hidden gem for him and his sick games. There sat a bucket, which Ramsay had grabbed up to start filling with water, and a simple wooden chair. On the floor beside the chair sat a box of surgical gloves, a flashlight, and a rusty looking knife.

You looked out the kitchen window, watching a stray dog forage through rotten garbage at an over flowing dumpster. You had never been to this side of town other than when Ramsay made you sit and wait in the Nova as he took care of some financial business.

"How, um... populated is this area?" You asked, looking back at Ramsay, who sat the bucket of water down.

He shrugged and lit a cigarette, "pretty dense. But if you're afraid of anyone hearing anything or seeing anything it's all for not. People around here don't trust cops and have a serious bystander effect disease. Nobody wants the cops over here. Too much illegal shit going on."

You simply nodded as Ben and Matt came in, dragging Cley along, depositing him in the chair, tying his hands behind him, and securing his legs to the legs of the chair.

"Thank you, Boys. You are both free to go." Ramsay said, running his eyes over the still unconscious man.

"You sure?" Ben asked, looking from man to Ramsay.

Ramsay nodded, "just be sure to leave the front door unlocked for me."

Ben chuckled, grabbed Matt by the elbow and they both disappeared into the dark.

You sat up on the counter as Ramsay flipped the flashlight on. He said nothing until a minute or two after you heard the front door close.

"What's up? I know you didn't want to do this for shits and giggles. You look ready to pass out any second with your pregnant ass." Ramsay said, lighting a cigarette and leaning against the counter you sat on.

You sighed, "you told me never to fuck up. So I won't. I never meant to. I just... I love you Ramsay. So I thought we could have a heart to heart while making hearts stop."

"You are just a bleeding romantic, aren't ya?" He laughed, exhaling smoke through his nose.

You gave a laugh, "Well, maybe a bit. But really baby, we need to talk."

"Fire away." He murmured, pulling gloves on and glancing over at the unconscious man.

"I spoke to your father today." You said meekly.

"Why?" He asked, picking up a bucket of water.

"Because I hate him and I'm tired of him hurting you." You said, sliding from the counter, pulling your own gloves, and picking up the knife.

"He doesn't hurt me, baby doll." Ramsay replied, dumping the bucket of water on the man, who awoke with a scream.

Cley's eyes were wide in fear as he struggled against his restraints, trying to make words but failing miserably.

"Yes he does, baby. Last night... When you were in there. I walked in. I was worried about you. I heard the things you said. The things he said. You were hurting and upset." You said gently, stuffing the man's mouth with a cloth you pulled from Ramsay's back pocket.

Ramsay turned to you and gave you a long, sweeping look through glittering eyes, taking the knife from you.

"Why are you telling me this?" He demanded, rosy patches appearing on his cheeks.

You gave a soft smile and stepped into him. You grabbed him by the front of the shirt and pressed your lips to his.

He did not kiss you back immediately, but you pressed your lips harder to his, sliding your tongue in his mouth. He opened his mouth under yours and cupped your face.

You pulled away from him when you were winded, looking up at him with the same soft smile, "I'm telling you because I love you. I'm tired, baby. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I'm no good at all this sneaky, secret keeping bullshit. I'm good at things like... cooking, and riding horses, and shooting skeet. I'm not stupid, but I am a bit slow. You're always going. And I don't understand how. Damon told me you had to or you get lost in your head. What does that mean?"

"Damon told you that, huh?" He said, raising a brow and turning to the man you two were supposed to be torturing.

"The day he brought those pictures. I think he knew something was wrong. Told me not to fuck up. Told me I'm the foundation and not to crack." You said, taking the knife from your husband, and pressing the blade to the man's chest to cut away his shirt.

"He just meant that I'm suicidal. Which is apparent. But sometimes it's hard for me to tell if I want to engage in self harm to feel the rush or to end the rush. I don't want to die, but I couldn't give a shit if I did." Ramsay shrugged, grabbing the knife back.

"Baby, what did your father do to you?" You asked, watching him lean over the man to slide the knife just under the skin.

Cley screamed out in pain, making violent movements and further damaging his skin as the knife hacked and sawed at him in his struggle. The blood came down thick and bright red, like a continuous stream from the sink tap.

"Why does it matter?" He asked, making a quick, complicated movement and peeling flesh from the man.

You looked away as an unpleasant queasiness set in.

"Please tell me. I want to understand. I want to help you heal, the healthy way."

"Torture I guess is about all that needs to be said." Ramsay said, slowly sawing at the skin where it was still attached to the body, and watching the piece of flesh fall to the ground.

"Like?" You coaxed, stepping behind him and wrapping your arms around him, closing your eyes tight, ignoring the screams of agony and torture.

"He beat me, raped me, burned me, shocked me, half drown me... You know, stupid shit." Ramsay shrugged.

You listened to the rumble of his chest with a deep frown.

"Why is he still alive?" You asked, a fresh wave of anger forming as you pulled away from Ramsay and took the knife from him, stabbing the man in the leg as he continued to beg and scream into the gag.

"Because, now I get to force my company on him, and he has to endure twenty seven years worth of lost time with his youngest son." Ramsay smirked, biting his bottom lip as he watched you wrench the knife from the man's leg.

"I'm going to kill him. I am." You said, baring your teeth and pointing the knife at your husband.

"Oh?" Ramsay asked with a wicked grin.

You sat in a chair, ready to recount your encounter, thinking next time you would just record it. If there was a next time.

You took a deep breath and began your story.

He made a face, lit a cigarette, and turned back to the man who seemed to have passed out in pain. He made a small tsking noise and pushed the bucket to you.

You picked it up to fill it at the sink, watching him out of the corner of your eye as he listened to you recite the conversation from today with Roose. His face remained impassive and no emotion registered as you struggled with the heavy bucket.

He glanced at you, stepping in to take the bucket from you. Your words had long since ended, but he remained silent as he dumped the water on the victim, sat down on the bucket, and pushed a burning cigarette cherry into an open wound.

You watched the man scream and writhe in pain, trying to get away from Ramsay, tears streaking his face.

If carving skin could be considered an art, Ramsay Bolton would surely have been the Leonardo Da Vinci at it. Even with his dull, rusty blade, he seemed to cut through the flesh like sharp scissors to wrapping paper.

He offered you the knife but you declined with a small smile, assuring him that this victim was for him to play with, and you would help him with the next one.

You looked down in surprise when your phone rang, and even more surprised when you read Chase.

You stepped out into the next room, "hello?"

"Hey, I'm working nights this week. And one of the guys said I missed the excitement earlier. So I asked what was up, right? Two feds came in. Took all the case information on Clay's death and also wanted a gander at courthouse records on who bought all the land around here in the last few months." Chase blurted quickly.

You frowned, "any idea what their names were?"

"No. But I'll text it to you. Stay safe."

"Always. You too. Keep me posted. Oh! And you and the whole gang better be here next Saturday night." You said before hanging up.

You slid your phone back in your pocket and walked back into the room. With a purposeful stride you walked over to Ramsay, took his knife, and gutted your victim.

"Hey! What did you do that for? I was having fun." Ramsay chided, giving you a very displeased glare.

"We need to go home." You said, annoyed you couldn't keep your voice steady.

"What's wrong?" Ramsay asked, narrowing his eyes at you.

"Chase just called. Said some Feds came by the station to get information on Clay's death and got the information about who has bought all the land in the surrounding area. I'm afraid it's those Lannister men." You said, heaving a sigh and pinching the bridge of your nose, "what if they connect it all to us? What if they threaten my parents?"

"Baby girl, they can't possibly connect us. Yes, some of the purchased land is in my name, but there's nothing suspicious about that. It's your hometown, we are rich, of course I'm going to buy up land there for you. It's clean land. Nothing on it but a couple of houses that need demolished. I've covered my tracks." Ramsay said, taking the knife from you and giving a sad glare at the dead man.

"Still, if they are Lannister's, they know." You said, fear setting in at the thought of your parents.

"We will go home and clean up and I will see what's going on." Ramsay said, kissing your cheek as he walked past you to the door. He suddenly stopped, turned, and beamed at you with a mischievous grin.

"What?" You asked, raising a brow.

"You. You're funny. It's like you have a vendetta against men with the name Clay." He chuckled.

You looked over at Cley, his insides slowly pushing themselves further out of his gut, and gave a shrug. "Yeah, maybe so. Fucking douchebags. Now, let's go home. I'm fucking tired."

#guns for hire #gfh #kee_writestrashh #AO3 fanfic #chapter 52 #52/90 #ramsay bolton x reader #modern ramsay bolton #ramsay bolton imagine #modern au #Modern Setting #modern game of thrones #game of thrones fanfic #game of thrones fanfiction #game of thrones au #mafia au #organized crime au #ramsay things #ramsay is his own warning

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genesismktblog · 2 years

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Lil’ Waists for Longevity

Popeye’s marketing strategy on how to get new customer’s body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody to their establishment has been a hit. Megan Thee Stallion’s new Hottie Sauce and ownership of new franchise locations was Popeye's revival strategy since their fried chicken sandwich released in 2019. Fast Food companies need to remain new and fresh for younger audiences, or else they will end up like Arby’s (no offense). Popeyes’s new partnership with the Texas star drew in new customers that are a part of her fanbase through their rewards program. New customers who enrolled in Popeyes' rewards program before Oct. 18 got early access to her new merchandise line which consists of bikinis, long-sleeve hats and shirts. New members will also receive 100 bonus points for ordering any eligible Megan Thee Stallion Hottie Sauce items online or via the brand's app. The old “using high profile celebrities” in order to stay relevant in the Fast Food market is a tale as old as time. But how much time has to pass after the newness of the brand wears off and people become uninterested and bored? How will Popeye’s marketing team make sure this leaves a lasting impression?

https://www.marketingdive.com/news/popeyes-heats-up-megan-thee-stallion-collab-with-merch-drops-new-chicken-s/608218/

The star’s alter ego, Tina Snow, was used in Popeye’s commercial where it told the story of her stealing the hottie sauce, which results in Megan on a chase from her hometown of Houston, Texas, to New Orleans, where Popeyes is based. The teaser was a great way to show her personality and love of anime through the graphics. Through her announcement on twitter, her fans were supportive and excited for the partnership and new opening of franchise locations. As the tweets state below:

But nothing lasts forever and every campaign comes to an end. Last fall, competitors like McDonald’s had a partnership with Travis Scott that lasted roughly 4 weeks. And then everyone went back to their regularly scheduled program. Popeyes did a phenomenal job in getting the Houston Hottie to bring in new customers but how will that affect future sales? In this special case, since she is now a franchise owner of some Popeye’s locations, the fanbase is here to stay. For Megan Thee Stallion and Popeyes. Keeping the campaign alive after its over is about ownership, which then results in consistent profits and brand loyalty. The key word is longevity. Although Hottie Sauce may not give you a lil’ waist, Megan Thee Stallion’s partnership rings true in her lyrics, “Look at how I bodied that, ate it up and gave it back.”

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jodyedgarus · 5 years

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The Most Absurd College Football Bowls, Ranked (Using Math!)

As I’ve written before, I love college football’s bowl season. Sure, there are probably too many of these goofy exhibition games, and nowadays star players sometimes skip them entirely. But there’s still something nostalgic and fun about sitting down around the holidays and binge-watching football games between obscure teams you wouldn’t have watched otherwise. It wouldn’t be the week between Christmas and New Year’s without going from zero knowledge about, say, Memphis’s offense to becoming a full-fledged expert in a matter of hours.

And, of course, there’s also the ridiculousness of bowl-game names. If you want a hilarious trip down college-football memory lane, read Jason Kirk’s excellent SB Nation story ranking the silliest bowl names of all time. For me, nothing beats the fact that there have been actual bowls named after weed eaters and tart cherry drinks.

In honor of the bowl season’s sheer absurdity, I decided to put a FiveThirtyEight spin on lists like the one Kirk assembled. For each game going back to 1985 — the dark days right before the dawn of rampant corporate bowl-naming rights — I developed a scoring system that awards “Absurdity Points” based on the following criteria:

Name length. All else being equal, longer bowl names are more ridiculous. So while short, snappy names like the unsponsored 1995 Sun Bowl (eight characters) earn zero Absurdity Points, mouthfuls such as the “Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl presented by Bridgestone” (55 characters) get you near the 4-point maximum.

Bad teams. Bowls were originally reserved for the best teams in the country, as a reward for an outstanding season (on top of being a way for warm-weather towns to drum up winter tourism from Northern fans). But the expansion of the bowls has significantly lowered the bar for how good a team needs to be to go bowling. So for our purposes,1 the national title game earns zero Absurdity Points as a rule, while a game like the 2017 Cure Bowl — between 6-5 Georgia State and 6-6 Western Kentucky — roughly gets the maximum of 4 Absurdity Points.

High scoring. Another element of bowl ridiculousness is the sheer lack of defense being played. Although there is an argument that fewer points in a bowl between two bad teams is also absurd, we’re sticking to the idea that insane shootouts such as the 2001 GMAC Bowl (Marshall 64, East Carolina 61, in double-OT) are worthy of 4 Absurdity Points based on the total points scored. (Note that for 2018 bowls, I used the projected over/under on the game via Jeff Sagarin’s predictions.)

Frequent sponsorship changes. Few things make a bowl look less prestigious than switching sponsors on a near-yearly basis. So I tracked how many different companies sponsored a bowl over the previous five years (including the year in question) and handed out Absurdity Points accordingly. Stable bowls like the Orange Bowl — sponsored by Capital One since 2014 — get zero points, while the Cactus, er, Cheez-it Bowl gets nearly the maximum of 4 points for going through four different sponsorship situations2 in five years.

Sponsorship industry. We’re getting into even more subjective territory at this stage, but some industries are simply more absurd as bowl sponsors than others. Insurance companies are boring. So are other financial institutions (with the exception of housing loan companies before 2009). Those all get low marks. Restaurants get more points, particularly if they involve fast food and/or fried chicken, and so do weird retailers. And a multi-level marketing firm that sells dietary supplements and is sometimes accused of being a “pyramid scheme”? That’s worthy of 4 Absurdity Points.

Bonus points. There are also a few specific ways to gain bonus Absurdity Points on the field. Any bowl whose name (or sponsoring company) contained “.com,” “.net,” etc. received the dot-com bubble bonus of 3 points. Faux-classy bowls that are “presented by” a sponsor (or tack on the word “Classic”) get an extra bonus of 1 point. For historical bowls, now-defunct sponsoring companies are worth a bonus of 3 points.3 And finally, a bonus of up to 2 points can be awarded for any sponsor that is niche or regional for a nationally televised bowl game (think the San Diego County Credit Union, which sponsors the Holiday Bowl4 despite being applicable only to persons living or working in San Diego, Riverside and Orange counties in California).5

Adding all of those up for each game, we can arrive at a total Absurdity Score that reflects just how silly a game is. Here’s an example from 2009 — the St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s — one of the most absurd bowls in history:

An archetype in absurdity

Itemized Absurdity Points for the 2009 St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s (Rutgers 45, UCF 24)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 48 characters 4 Bad teams 1589 combined Elo 2 High scoring 69 total points 3 Many sponsors 2 in 5 years 2 Sponsor industry Restaurants 2 Base total 13 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” +1 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total absurdity score: 16

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

That bowl had a lot going for it. First, it gets the maximum of 4 points for the 48-character name — one of the longest in our database — plus 3 points for the 69 total points scored in the game. It also picks up solid grades for its mediocre teams, sponsorship turnover and company industry. (At base, restaurants are worth 2 Absurdity Points — not the most, but not the least either.) Plus, it gets a 1-point bonus for using the “presented by” tag and 2 more for being sponsored by the relatively obscure Beef O’Brady’s — a chain of sports pubs in the Southeastern U.S. with locations in only 19 states. Add it up, and the 2009 St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s earned a total of 16 Absurdity Points.

That’s pretty high — but this season has a bowl that scores even higher. Before we get there, though, let’s run down the entire 2018 field in reverse order of silliness, grouped by total Absurdity Points:

5 points

Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic

Capital One Orange Bowl

Allstate Sugar Bowl

Hyundai Sun Bowl

These games earn marks about as low as you’ll see in the modern bowlscape. They all boast relatively short, catchy names; they generally feature good teams; and they don’t project for crazy scoring totals. Not even the pretentious “Classic” tacked on to the Cotton Bowl can boost its absurdity quotient by much. It’s like these bowls aren’t even trying to be ridiculous.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Nokia Sugar Bowl

6 points

New Era Pinstripe Bowl

Valero Alamo Bowl

Outback Bowl

Belk Bowl

The 6-pointers have potential but also flaws. “Belk Bowl” sounds kinda funny — and gets a bonus for the local nature of its department-store sponsor (Belk is in only 16 states) — but is undone by its alliterative plainness. The Outback Bowl has an anthropomorphic bloomin’ onion mascot, but it actually features decent, defensive-minded teams. (Ew.) And nothing about the Pinstripe Bowl really stands out in any category. I may as well just watch this old Alamo Bowl from 1998 with Drew Brees.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Jeep-Eagle Aloha Bowl

7 points

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

AutoZone Liberty Bowl

Quick Lane Bowl

Redbox Bowl

At a glance, “R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl” has the makings of a promising candidate. Its name is relatively long — nothing that a stray “presented by” couldn’t draw out even further — and its teams (Appalachian State and Middle Tennessee State) are appropriately mediocre. But the shipping industry isn’t absurd at all, and like most of the other 7-pointers, it fails to pick up any bonuses. Up your game, New Orleans Bowl, and try again next year.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Insight.com Bowl

8 points

Rose Bowl Game presented by Northwestern Mutual

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl

Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl

AutoNation Cure Bowl

The Rose Bowl’s name is ridiculously long (47 characters) and it gets a “presented by” bonus, too. But sadly, Ohio State and Washington are too good to help the Granddaddy of Them All rack up too many Absurdity Points. (The Music City Bowl also gets big points on length — 42 characters — though not much else.) Likewise, the Peach Bowl squanders its 3-point fast-food-chicken industry score6 with a good matchup (Florida vs. Michigan), and the Cure Bowl’s punchy name ruins any advantages drawn from its industry (a car dealership!) and crappy teams (sorry, Louisiana-Lafayette and Tulane). Ultimately, this is the last of the relatively normal bowl-name groupings.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Micron PC Bowl

9 points

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl

VRBO Citrus Bowl

SoFi Hawaii Bowl

DXL Frisco Bowl

New Mexico Bowl

Some highlights from the 9-pointers: The Frisco Bowl is sponsored by DXL, a men’s big and tall apparel retailer (which is definitely worth 3 Absurdity Points). The TaxSlayer Gator Bowl gets a residual dot-com bubble bonus for being sponsored by TaxSlayer.com. The Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl is an overly long name, while Raycom Media is a very local Southern broadcasting company. VRBO is an absurd-looking acronym for a vacation-rental marketplace (and is the Citrus Bowl’s third sponsor in five years). The Famous Idaho Potato Bowl is a huge mismatch (and is named for a potato-farming advocacy group). Still, none of these games really pulls together high marks in multiple categories, and that’s what keeps them from moving up the list.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Culligan Holiday Bowl

10 points

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman

Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl

Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl

Servpro First Responder Bowl

PlayStation Fiesta Bowl

After the 19 consecutive seasons it spent as the “Tostitos Fiesta Bowl” (which had a great ring to it) ended in 2014, the Fiesta Bowl is once again getting back to some measure of stability with Sony’s PlayStation as title sponsor for the third year in a row. That’s bad news for its Absurdity Score: Back in the heady days of fly-by-night obstacle-race BattleFrog’s 2016 sponsorship, the Fiesta graded out as a 16, a ridiculously high score for a prestige bowl. Now it simply ranks among a solid group that also includes the Las Vegas Bowl — now on its fourth different sponsorship situation in five years — and the Servpro First Responder Bowl, which used to be the perennial 16-point candidate (fast-food chicken!) Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Poulan/Weed Eater Independence Bowl

11 points

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl

Jared Birmingham Bowl

Dollar General Bowl

Camping World Bowl

Cheez-It Bowl

Now this set of bowl names is nice and silly. There are points for funny products (Cheez-It snacks!), bad matchups (hello, Troy vs. Buffalo) and plenty of recent sponsor-switching. The Dollar General Bowl is somehow an upgrade on its former incarnation, the GoDaddy.com Bowl — which stopped existing in 2016 — but that should not obscure the fact that there is a Dollar General Bowl. (And Troy always seems to be in it.) Throw in a bunch of “who is Jared Birmingham?” jokes, and we’ve got a good tier right beneath the Top 5.

Old-school favorite from this tier: galleryfurniture.com Bowl

12 points: San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Northwestern vs. Utah (Dec. 31)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 42 characters 3 Bad teams 1766 combined Elo 2 High scoring 46.24 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Financial services 0 Base total 10 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 12

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

As mentioned earlier, this bowl’s absurdity calling-card is a sponsorship that applies to an extremely small slice of the people who will be watching it on TV. But the name is also really long (42 characters), and the Holiday Bowl isn’t too far removed from having a for-profit college as its primary sponsor, either.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Crucial.com Humanitarian Bowl

13 points: Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Marshall vs. South Florida (Dec. 20)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 30 characters 3 Bad teams 1430 combined Elo 3 High scoring 51.61 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Heavy equipment 2 Base total 13 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company 0 Total Absurdity Score 13

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

Somehow, this bowl changed its name from the “St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O’Brady’s” and got even more absurd. In fact, in his story at SB Nation, Kirk makes a very compelling case that “Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl” is the single most ridiculous name in bowl history. In our accounting, it also ranks highly, if not No. 1, thanks to a strong combination of almost all of the factors we hand out credit for. The only reason it doesn’t rise further is a lack of bonuses; I debated listing Bad Boy Mowers as an “obscure company,” since they don’t have a Wikipedia page, but they’ve been around since 1998 and have about 500 employees. Either way, the bigger fix for a future version of our model might be a better way to quantify the inherent absurdity of the word “Gasparilla.”

13 points: Walk-On’s Independence Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Temple vs. Duke (Dec. 27)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 27 characters 2 Bad teams 1609 combined Elo 2 High scoring 56.48 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Restaurants 2 Base total 11 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 13

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

As for the Independence Bowl, the current “Walk-On’s” variation is just the latest in a fine tradition of ludicrous names. For instance, this is also the game that brought us the “AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl,” the “Duck Commander Independence Bowl” and the fabled “Poulan/Weed Eater Independence Bowl” — still probably the ur-example of a laughable bowl sponsorship from the 1990s. For its part, Walk-On’s Bistreaux & Bar is a local Louisiana-based sports bar chain co-owned by Brees, who long since left his Builders Square Alamo Bowl days behind to quarterback the New Orleans Saints.

Old-school favorite from this tier: Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl

14 points: Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for UAB vs. Northern Illinois (Dec. 18)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 26 characters 2 Bad teams 1485 combined Elo 3 High scoring 41.43 total points 2 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Foods 2 Base total 12 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 14

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

The Boca Raton Bowl is a relatively new entry on the list of postseason games and is in its second year of sponsorship with Cheribundi. What is Cheribundi, you ask? According to Wikipedia, it is a “company which sells a functional brand of cherry juice beverages,” and it used to be called CherryPharm. The “CherryPharm Boca Raton Bowl” might have been even more absurd than the actual name, but in either case, we have a game with truly bad teams (UAB and Northern Illinois), sponsored by a weird sector of the food industry, in a nonprestigious bowl played a full week before Christmas. That’s basically the kind of bowl our rating system was made for.

Old-school favorite from this tier: California Raisin Bowl

17 points: Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl

Itemized Absurdity Points for Toledo vs. FIU (Dec. 21)

Category Entry Points (0-4) Name length 26 characters 2 Bad teams 1409 combined Elo 3 High scoring 68.77 total points 3 Many sponsors 3 in 5 years 3 Sponsor industry Local marketing 4 Base total 15 Bonuses Points (0-4) Dot-com bubble 0 “Presented by” 0 Defunct company 0 Obscure/local company +2 Total Absurdity Score 17

Points are awarded on a 0-4 scale where 0 is least absurd and 4 is most.

Source: Sports-Reference.com/CFB

Finally, we arrive at No. 1 in our ranking, the first 17-point bowl in our sample — the brand-new Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl. What it lacks in length (only 26 characters), it makes up for with bad teams (neither Toledo nor Florida International cracks a 1450 Elo rating), a nearly 70-point over/under according to Jeff Sagarin’s projections, a former sponsor list that includes Popeye’s (fast-food chicken!!!) and a ridiculous backstory that involves a town in Illinois spending taxpayer money to sponsor a college football game staged in the Bahamas in order to drum up business for the largest contiguous industrial park in North America. (“Makers Wanted” is a slogan that, this press release informs us, “serves as a call-to-action for Elk Grove Village’s thriving community and the thousands of businesses that are based there.”)

It’s a fittingly absurd way to end our list of the most absurd bowl games of 2018. Enjoy the holidays and the bowl season, and don’t forget to spend time with friends and family between the football-watching. I look forward to what even greater absurdities next year’s bowls can bring to us in 2019.

Old-School favorite from this tier:7 BattleFrog Fiesta Bowl

from News About Sports https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-most-absurd-college-football-bowls-ranked-using-math/

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stellacarrier110pounds · 7 years

Text

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Inspired by Feeling Good On My Weight Loss Determination and Goals Metaphorically Speaking Eating, Intuitive Thoughts and Physical Activity Diary as of and other written musings initiated Wednesday October 25, 2017 until at least Thursday November 16, 2017Please know that I acknowledge the well-meaning people who try to encourage me to find happiness looking the way I am now for good reasons. I Stella Carrier confess that I have been both thin and the way I am now and I admit to remember and enjoying so much what it was like to be thin which is one of multiple major motivators. I was naturally thin up until December 2004 which was around a month after I turned 24, and less than 8 months after I voluntarily obtained tubal ligation surgery. What this has to do with my weight was that up until the surgery that I am regret-free about having, yet I have nothing against parents or kids, is that I think that the birth control that I used prior to that coupled with my age kind of gave me the privilege of being complacent about my weight. Obviously, I accept that I am going to have to care the rest of my current lifetime about my weight which I intend to take from my current 172 pounds to 152 pounds or thinner by January 1, 2018 or sooner. The following entries are going to involve what I start today coupled with what I Stella Carrier intend to add up until at least ideally Thursday November 16 2017 andor later.

Today’s entry for Wednesday October 25, 2017Inspired by Feeling Good On My Weight Loss Determination and Goals Metaphorically Speaking Eating, Intuitive Thoughts and Physical Activity Diary as of and other written musings initiated Wednesday October 25, 2017 until at least Thursday November 16, 2017

I begin walking a total of at least 5 miles from my apartment to the college park metro and back from around 705 am and I got back by around 955 am including a CVS trip that I did in College Park, Maryland. I Stella Carrier feel like a million dollars after walking at least 5 miles this morning and I intend to walk 4 more miles today and walk at least 10 miles a day for at least 5 to 6 times a week starting this week.

Food and other entries to be added later on tonight after my jobDiet Log From Wednesday October 25, 2017Fitness

From iheartradio today from my personalized luckystellafavoritesradio stationWhen Worlds Collide by Powerman 5000Shakin by Eddie Money

From iheartradio Evolution DanceAll Stars by Martin Solveig feat. AlmaPeanut Butter Jelly by GalantisFeel Good by Gryffin & Illenium

Sources I prefer to keep secretSo Alive by Love and RocketsBlue Jeans by Lana Del ReyWhatever It Takes by Imagine DragonsAddicted to Love by Robert PalmerBest Day of My Life by American AuthorsHotel Room Service by PitbullAmazon music storytelling playlist shuffle modeCome On Get Higher by Matt NathansonUrgent by ForeignerCandy by Mandy MooreStranger in a Strange Land by 30 Seconds to MarsAround and Around by Kim LeoniC’mon Catchem by Surprise by Tiesto feat. Busta RhymesFable (Message Version) by Robert MilesInspirational Matt damon linksI know that I posted these before yet both my intuition and logic are influencing me to post again

I confess that I was inspired to look up an article such as this Mental Floss article on Matt Damon and Private Ryan film after seeing a sponsored website link related to this on msn this morning.

matt damon saving private ryan15 Fascinating Facts About Saving Private RyanBy Sean Hutchison

http://mentalfloss.com/article/65611/15-fascinating-facts-about-saving-private-ryan

I confess that I was inspired to look up an article such as this Mental Floss article on Matt Damon and Private Ryan film after seeing a sponsored website link related to this on msn this morning.matt damon saving private ryan15 Fascinating Facts About Saving Private RyanBy Sean Hutchison

http://mentalfloss.com/article/65611/15-fascinating-facts-about-saving-private-ryan

Eerily, enough some chicken unexpectedly dropped from my fridge yesterday but was luckily in a container yesterday as I Stella Carrier was pondering the 6 or 10 mile goal for myself less than 2 months after coming across some msn articles related to what I am about to post as it pertains to matt damon chicken diet weight loss. Plus I had seen a Saving Private Ryan film reference sponsored by Msn this morning less than an hour ago and less than 24 hours after I prayed for guidance from my heaven higher self and my heaven spirit ally team helping me to determine 6 or 10 miles for quicker weight loss.This helpful delish article states that Matt Damon ran 13 miles and I think that I Stella Carrier have fortunately found my answer. The Matt Damon discovery from msn this morning coupled with some articles that I found pertaining to Matt Damon give me the idea to aim for around 10 miles for now. By this Thursday until at least December 1, 2017 I intend to just focus on walking at least 10 miles per day and then by December 1 2017 or sooner I Stella Carrier intend to run at least 1 to 2 of the 10 miles and then by April 2018 I intend to increase my run mileage to 3 or 4 miles out of the 10 miles to walk, both to help me save time and for quicker weight loss results. Obviously, I am grateful that Matt Damon generously shared how he achieved quick weight loss and I feel blessed to have come across this information to incorporate in my own life in addition to seeing the Private Ryan film link and Matt Damon reference less than 90 minutes ago this morning Tuesday October 24 2017matt damon chicken diet weight lossMatt Damon Lost 60 Pounds Eating Just One Food Every Day"I just made it up and did what I thought I had to do."

http://www.delish.com/food-news/a48385/how-matt-damon-lost-60-pounds/

from the websiteSo what was his big secret to dropping all those pounds? "I had to run about 13 miles a day, which wasn't even the hard part. The hard part was the diet," he said. "All I ate was chicken breast. It's not like I had a chef or anything, I just made it up and did what I thought I had to do. I just made it up and that was incredibly challenging."I respectfully disagree with Erin Alexander yet I Stella Carrier am grateful that she still posted the story online.'All I ate was chicken breast': Matt Damon reveals how he dropped 60 pounds for '90s role by Erin Alexander

http://www.mensfitness.com/life/entertainment/matt-damon-losing-60-pounds-role-all-chicken-breast

from the websiteDamon, who normally weighs around 190lbs, got down to roughly 139lbs to shoot the film, according to the AMA. "I had to run about 13 miles a day, which wasn't even the hard part. The hard part was the diet," he revealed. "All I ate was

chicken breast

. It's not like I had a chef or anything, I just made it up and did what I thought I had to do. I just made it up and that was incredibly challenging."This Chicken Diet Almost Killed Matt DamonBy Drew DiSabatino

http://www.bravotv.com/blogs/this-grilled-chicken-diet-almost-killed-matt-damon

from the websiteDuring a recent

Reddit AMA

, Matt answered questions on everything ranging from the

smell of Julia Stiles

(“Happiness”) to his most challenging role. In responding to the latter, he revealed that while prepping for a role in the film "Courage Under Fire," he underwent a dramatic weight loss that took him all the way down to

139 pounds

(compared to his current weight of roughly 190 pounds). His secret? Eating nothing but chicken breast and running 13 miles a day. Woof. Matt Damon reveals he lost 3st by eating this ONE food every dayBy Sarah Buchanan

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/diet-fitness/620459/Matt-Damon-weight-loss-body-transformation-Courage-Under-Fire

from the websiteOpening up in a Reddit AMA, the 46-year-old revealed how he dropped 40lbs (almost 3st) without any advice from doctors, nutritionists or trainers.He said: "I had to run about 13 miles a day, which wasn't even the hard part.“The hard part was the diet. All I ate was chicken breast."It's not like I had a chef or anything, I just made it up and did what I thought I had to do.“I just made it up and that was incredibly challenging."

How Matt Damon Nearly Killed Himself On This Chicken DietBy Isai Rocha

https://www.foodbeast.com/news/matt-damon-chicken-diet/

from the website

In a Reddit AMA

, Damon talked to fans, answered questions and revealed that the hardest thing he ever had to do for a movie role, was put himself on a chicken diet that made him lose over 50 pounds in three monthsThe movie was

Courage Under Fire

(1996) and Damon said at the time, he weighed 190 pounds. By the time they needed to film him with a more slender frame, he had lost 51 pounds, putting him at a paltry 139 pounds.In a past interview with

the Star

, Damon said, at that time of his life, he would have done anything to get a role. He also revealed that his diet was supervised by no one but himself.Damon was 25-years-old, cooked the chicken meals himself, and pretty much winged it without the help of a chef, or nutritionist.

Mr. Jason Bourne said he ran 13 miles a day, as well.

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