#I don't want to fucking have drama with my friends
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What The Goddamn Fuck, Lexy?!?!?! Why the fuck would fucking tell Sammie that?! She was not in the wrong! They pushed her to break the rules and then punished her without hearing her out first! Sammie’s upset right now and you just made it fucking worse!
God Fucking Damnit!
#I don't care if Sammie and Lily see this#Just don't tell Lexy#She's right in that no one wants a fight anymore but geezus fuck!#I can't even right now#I don't want to fucking have drama with my friends#BUT I'M UPSET NOW#Fucking#Fuck fuck fuck
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my ex is talking about all these cute dates they're going on with this trans guy and how they're planning to kiss for the first time tonight and i just wish i had something like that with someone. if i had transitioned maybe i could've had a chance of being attractive to them... i only say that bc i reallyyyy struggle to believe i'll find my person. i feel so unattractive physically and personality wise :/ and i have no money to my name, and my apartment is constantly a mess. all the girls i was into turned out to be a jerk or rejected me. What Is It Going To Take!!!!!!
#lay text#i'm high and weepy#idk why#maybe cuz their life is going sm better than mine :( i feel like i was a burden for them. i was only on disability aid#and i asked for romance and sometimes sex and they weren't into me#now they have money to spend and they're conventionally attractive they literally have strangers call their face pretty 24/7#while dressed masc no makeup#meanwhile i'm single af and have no money and i feel so ugly and broke all the time!!!#i find fwbs and casual polyam girls#but no one who actually wants me and only me. it breaks my heart#i've yearned for 5 fucking years while dating my ex#yearned for feeling wanted. i was the ugly kid growing up#my winter fling made me feel so freaking desired but my ex lowkey ruined it so i left#and then drama happened and now she's gone#i'm learning to love myself#but a bitch wants to be wanted sometimes too!!!#to be kissed by someone who tells me i'm enough they don't want anybody else!!!#by someone who actually finds me attractive!!! tho now i have severe trust issues :'(#so dumb#i hate being jealous of a friend having a happy dating life#i didn't expect to feel so bitter#i feel like a bad person ugh :/
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Im a modern aphmau watcher (not out of liking it really its more out of me just watching it to shit on her newer stuff cause its utter trash and she made her already decent ish at best, characters into the most annoying fuckers ive ever seen)
And with this, came a kinda guilty pleasure of seeing my girls, Nana and Kim, and i ship them.
a lot, alittle too much, they are littary dating in my rewrite...
#my art#aphmau#mystreet kim#mystreet nana#mystreet aphmau#Like the girlies don't even interact at all in mystreet and they basically are friends/enemies#because of aph wanting more shipping drama all the fucking time with zane x nana by#having kim try to hit on him and than leading to nana basically targeting her house of a nuke#but to be fr#kim x nana has kinda been my jam since i notice shit in videos that no one even sees because im insane#also um zane in modern videos is very creepy and gross and i hate him a lot#im chill with mcd zane and mystreet zane just this verison of him is THE WORST#also im chill with zane x nana by the fandom just the modern content of them is...very unhealthy and pretty toxic on both ends#and zane is like really gross about nana to the point where even her va sounds uncomfortable#so kim x nana has been my default for these videos#also i dont believe kim liking noi for a second she is a women lover you cant change my fucking mind
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Just when I'm trying to be more social again, something will happen that reminds me why I'm a hermit
#vent ahead:#i tried to get my friends together to celebrate passing my exam#I'm not the kind of person who celebrates stuff about myself but I said fuck it I deserve it and I miss my friends#and they turned it into a drama and gossip fest#i don't care i really don't i just want to play cards against humanity and have a good time#i haven't seen these ppl in months and they either brought their romantic partners and ignored me alltogether#hijacked the evening and made it about them or didn't even arrive#why do they have to turn a simple celebration into something so complicated?#i hate it i hate it i hate pls get out of my house#I'm sitting here staring at the forgotten cards and food#and wondering if this is the point in life where i realize that friendships mean more to me than to the allo people around me#the older i get the more isolated i feel#and being aro makes it worse not gonna lie#i thought i could live without a partner as long as i had my friends but well#funny how that works#dan is rambling again
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I wish I wasn't shown this because it's even more fucking annoying than her first response
Meeru is absolutely backtracking and no I don't believe she's trying to be self critical for a second.
I quite literally explained to Meeru in my first response to her that Panda's behaviour is genuinely abusive and dangerous (for example, causing someone to relapse in their eating disorder). I even provided Meeru with a WHOLE LIST of the things Panda did which includes blatant racism, suicide baiting, victim blaming, and inappropriate behavior infront of and towards minors.
I then went on a provided Meeru with FOUR screenshots of Panda's behavior, one of the screenshots showing her saying that she wants Manchurians to be genocided. I then pointed out that Meeru's interest in Siberians and Northern Asians is purely orientalist because she has built her blog off of the back of Northern Asian and Siberian cultures, but when being told that her friend Panda is racist against Northern Asians and was even provided a screenshot as evidence for this, she STILL went on to call it "boring cancel culture".
In the first response I also said how MULTIPLE people tried to talk to Panda privately, and she did not listen. Her behaviour is not only dangerous but we have found out that Panda has been trying to control the narrative about what happened to people throughout the fandom and telling them absolute lies about what happened, concealing the extent of her abuse and bad behaviour and outright orchestrating a hate campaign against @/miyuecakes by not only spreading lies about her with 0 evidence throughout the fandom, but by sending her posse to harass her on tumblr.
How did Meeru respond upon being given a list of the things Panda did with four screenshots of ACTUAL evidence?
"Don't blame me for not reading all 80 pages!"
"My family is struggling!"
"I care about Siberians!"
"Why did this come out around Christmas!"
She's now backtracking saying that I can't blame her for not reading all 80 pages when
1) No one fucking forced her to release that post before reading the whole document and it's quite stupid of her to release that post despite apparently not reading it
2) Even if she didn't read the whole document? I provided her with screenshots of Panda's behavior and a list of the things she's done to hurt people.
Despite this, Meeru STILL called it purely cancel culture and dismissed the evidence I gave her!
Stop backtracking!
This post is backtracking central. Oh. So NOW you agree that Panda's behavior was harmful even though I literally told you what she did and gave you evidence in my response to you?
"Why are things being handled in public" bestie I don't think I need to keep explaining to you that multiple people have tried to talk to Panda about her dangerous behavior privately but she didn't listen. She shows 0 desire to change and IMMEDIATELY went to make other friends to lie to about the whole ordeal after she left. This post is a WARNING to people to avoid her.
When I said you were orientalist , I said it was because you were given literal evidence of Panda being racist to Northern Asians , yet you decided to carry on with the narrative that this is cancel culture and that we're overreacting. I didn't say jackshit about Putin girly. If you treat racism against Northern Asians like it's just a newspaper article for you to reblog rather than an actual material reality, and dismiss racism against a Northern Asian just because your friend did it, your so called interest in their cultures means nothing!
Meeru is now blaming ME for why she couldn't read the whole document because she was too busy "defending herself" against my "insults"😂 You lie almost as often Panda does. Again, no one forced you to post that post before finishing the whole document! Don't speak on shit you don't know about !
I have the right to insult someone who stands by an abuser and shits on the victims for speaking out! Thanks !
#Meerudraws#Backtracking is insane !#Potaxiepower#My refs#Also lol @ calling what Panda did to us “drama”#0 fucking empathy from Panda's posse why am I not surprised !#I'm aware that meeru has said she's donated to like the free Buryatia movement or an organisation that is similar#Ok.who fucking cares so have I??#That has nothing to do with the fact that you are completely unwilling to condemn racism against Northern Asians when your friend does it#How can you look at the screenshot I provided you with that showed Panda saying she wanted Manchurians to be genocided#And have the gall to brush it off as just boring cancel culture#Your grand gestures don't mean shit if you aren't willing to condemn your own friend for hating Northern Asians !#Performative as all hell#Just like most of your posts on your account about Northern Asians#I'm not rich I just put more effort into my research and for someone who claims to be obsessed with N Asia#Ur posts are lacking#Why is it that when people are called out for horrible behaviour or condoning horrible behaviour#It's always “BUT I'M POOR! BUT I'M STRUGGLING! BUT I'M THIS ! BUT I'M THAT”#YOU BEING POOR OR YOUR FAMILY SITUATION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU BRUSHING OFF A RACIST ABUSERS BEHAVIOUR
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has anyone else noticed that almost all, if not all, my meta/"fighting" with other people is just me describing what happens in any given scene
i barely even embellish or speculate. i'll mention recurring themes every once in a while, but for the most part i'm just writing out a play-by-play summary of what the characters actually do, because some people cannot be trusted to use their eyes let alone their brains
#i don't even want to say it's not that deep because it IS deep#but it's like we're all at the beach having a nice swim#and you are scuba-diving to the bottom of the ocean to find fish no human being has seen before#it's like you're trying to Win at watching the drama and outsmart the writers but you're playing a completely different game#betting at poker with fucking monopoly money#posting this and then logging off to keep from yelling at another person lmao#temperature literally rose from someone calling top ''the nastiest''#AFTER FUCKING BOSTON TRICKED HIM INTO HAVING SEX WITH HIM BY SHOWING HIM A TWO YEAR OLD PHOTO HE TOOK OF HIS FRIENDS KISSING LIKE A CREEP#AND A FAKE SEX TAPE#JUST BECAUSE TOP WANTED TO DATE HIS FRIEND WHO HE LOOKS DOWN ON LIKE WHAT#NAH NAH NAH#THE DELUSION IS FUCKING STAGGERING#SORRY THAT TOP IS... KIND OF MEAN???????????????????????????#I'M FUCKIGN DOING IT AGAIN OH MY GDO SLKFJWFJ#I FUCKING HATE IT HERE#ofs liveblog
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#my friend got mad and stormed away bc i joked abt missing and wishing a friend were with us bc if she was then i wouldnt have to be the-#-one to listen to her rambling abt her crush and whatnot#maybe ive been too rude in the way i went about it but now that i think abt it ive been ridiculously patient with her#shes always bringing me out my class and to the bathroom to talk abt her crushhh and her love lifee and she doesnt consider-#-my feelings at all ! do i even want to hear about it ?! do i give a SHIT ???#whenever SHE makes me feel awful i don't say anything. she just brushes it off with a sorry my bad loll#but the moment i express my frustration shes like fuck you la >:(#ive been telling her how i feel ive been telling her to stop it stop bringing me into your drama stop talking to me abt him#and yet!#she knew my prev. crush was talking shit about me yet she never told me until i asked her abt it ?! she didnt give a shit when i was-#-in the middle of taking a TEST and she was like um i dont care help me with this#dudeeee#youre so frustrating the world does not revolve around you and your love life shes the type of person to think shes cool for being 13 and-#-dating a 16 yr old baby NOOO!!!#i am so tired so so so tired i feel out of place with my friends all the time i hate everything#to clarify shes not 13 anymore but she sure! does act like it...
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Whoever sent me that ask about a Billy anti, I’m only going to answer you the same thing that I’ve answered others so many times before: block them or ignore them. It’s the best way to deal with them.
I am not going to publish that ask because it gives a direct link to a post and I don’t encourage bullying anyone - even if it’s a person with a ‘bad take’.
#personal#also if i'm being completely honest here#i'm getting tired of talking about billy antis and other billy fans talking about them#when the block button is right there#i had my fair share of billy antis and discourse last summer#i participated in that and said some bad things too yes#and it completely wore me out#it depressed the fuck out of me#so besides taking a two month break from tumblr recently#i've also slowly started migrating back to my old fandoms#because i'm tired#not of hg. or billy. or fanfiction. or the people i consider my friends in this fandom#i'm just tired overall#i want to enjoy this fandom but it's giving me a major headache right now#and i may have to start unfollowing some of you for that#because i'm officially done with antis and anything to do with them#and it seems like some of you (the same few people actually) live and breathe that drama every day#because i always see you on my dashboard talking about that stuff even though i don't even follow you all#so i don't know#i feel bad for having to unfollow some otherwise great blogs#but the drama you bring to my dashboard is making me miserable#i don't care anymore okay#if you can't or don't want to block them that's on you#but i don't want to hear about them anymore#that's why i blocked those people in the first place
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...
#shit chat#family cw#parents divorcing: dad moved into tiny apt & doesn't want anything. mom moving to kentucky in a few weeks? months? w/ new fiancee#brother sick of the drama; doesn't want anything & isn't talking to my mom rn (understandable)#so i'm. pawing through 30 years of my parents' junk trying to sift out & salvage childhood relics#the leftovers mostly bc my mom has already laid claim to most of the things i have a strong attachment to#and currently having an existential crisis on my bedroom floor sorting through xmas decorations to keep/donate#like damn my childhood has so much substance in my memory & these objects seemed imbued with so much magic#and looking at it now there's a few things that still have a glimmer of life but mostly it's just cheap old shit.#i don't want any of this; i just want the sense of comfort and love and security of a functional loving family#but the divorce is also dredging up a lot of shit that i'm further processing in therapy#and i'm coming to the very depressing realization that a lot of my childhood kinda sucked ass#not all of it! and looking at photos i still feel strong positive emotions towards my past#but there really isn't any legacy to speak of. heirlooms consist of a few sentimental tchotchkes & a box of old picture books#also my mom kinda fucking sucked as a parent in ways i'm only just now allowing myself to admit & examine#like i don't think i could ever hate her or write her off completely and i did get certain wonderful aspects of myself from her#but she hasn't consistently been a Good Mom to me. p much since my brother was born when i was like 5.#more like a very mentally ill fair-weather friend who was also partially responsible for raising me#god this sucks. but at least i have a box of delicate sparkly glass baubles that i can smash on the pavement for catharsis sometime#anyways. friends if it seems like i've been more hermit-y and avoidant than usual lately– this is why#i've been estranged from most of my extended family for years & used to be really close with my immediate family.#which is currently a reeking dumpster fire that's choking my life with noxious smoke#and p much all of my energy & free time is going towards not letting actively retruamatizing current events nuke my brain#brother & i agreed that the current Vibes are like...#trying to cut loose the life boats from a sinking ship and get clear before the water displacement sucks us under#but i finally have all my shit out of the house except furniture that can't be moved until my mom moves#so the gaping chest wound is slowly starting to scab over and i can start actually clearing out some of this shit &#tracing the panicked exodus back to a more grounded stable version of myself#ugh.
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Also. The weird girl in school feeling of both intense jealousy and violent repulsion towards "normal" girls.
#this post brought to you by: the normaler girls i follow on insta and the stories they post#like these three girls. two of them from the same university as me. the other one also french. all in the same city as me#all exchange students at the same uni in england!#but they're going on day trips to london and living their best year abroad#and i'm - what. staying at home and making soup? sleeping and failing to buy postcards?#the warring impulses of jealousy and repulsion.#because. i want to be normal too. i want my life to be simple and nice and easy.#i want to be a pretty girl who's doing it right. i want to have my life together (somewhat) (for my age and status)#i want girlfriends in the straight way who i can have daytrips with.#i long for the simplicity of asking out cute boys and aesthetic study sessions that actually pay off#i am so blindingly jealous of them. they're so much more normal than me. they're doing Girlhood and Womanhood correctly.#but at the same time i would rather die than change so much i'd be that girl#because i am simply not that person. this is not who i am at my core#i do not want to buy startbucks. i don't want relationship drama. i don't want to put all my personal data on instagram#i do not actually want to force myself to fit into the restrictive mold of what normal and socially acceptable girlhood and womanhood are#so i feel both 1) left behind and inadequate like i'm back in middle school#2) but also at peace with the fact that you can't get along with everyone and i'm old enough to find my people now#i mean my housemates are really cool and i have other friends that are also the kind of nerdy weirdo people i hang out with#AND 3) inadequate for general 'i'm a fucking child' reasons#they're independent. they're spontaneous. they're just doing things. they're on the way to adulthood. they're in their early 20s.#what am i then but a child. i don't go out much i don't drink i have this huge aura of no romance#i need structure and plans and i have a lot of inertia#and i thought the adult thing was going well! i'm feeding myself all on my own! i'm planning my days!#i'm doing laundry and cleaning up messes! look at the adult!#she's not done baking but i was expecting much much worse honestly. i was braced for a total crumble#but no we're good. i felt proud of myself#and here i see people having the normal typical year abroad experience. and i'm not#i'm being childish and i'm wasting money doing the exact same thing i'd be doing at home but in england#anyway. 2:30. sleep time. good night#wow i have a ramble tag now
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it is saturday and I am but a simple highschooler and I am so so tired and it is literally 12:15pm and I want to just sit here and eat my banana pudding
#failing to control those emotions I mentioned earlier I am so angry and sick and frustrated#fuck the world why is fandom so complicated#I keep thinking abt shit I've heard and shit I've somewhat experience and I want to scream into a pillow for four hours#engaging in interests always makes me half regret it bc of all the shit I have to hear abt because of fandom.#I don't regret joining any of the fandoms because of the INCREDIBLE and AWESOME people and friends I get to meet because of it#but stuff also is bad and annoying sometimes#I am starting to understand why most people refuse to engage and interact with other people in fandoms. its because#you slowly learn of all the drama and then you end up feeling like you're being pulled on by either end#it feels like I'm constantly the rope in a game of tug of war when it comes to most fandom spaces. like this experience happens too often#because ohhh you have this one side who believes this and another who believes that#AND SOMETIMES I MAKE STUPID POSTS OR COMMENTS THAT I GET REMINDED OF A BUNCH AND I WANT TO CRY.#I'm literally a fucking kid dammit I am not trying to change the world or anyhthing I just have opinions and I say them and sometimes#I speak before I think and sometimes I'm wrong and that is something that happens. not all of my opionions are solid locked in constantly#and SOMETIMES people who I think are cool turn out to be LESS COOL and SOMETIMES I feel like I say or do things that ruin my friends'-#-fandom experience and I fear they secretly hate me#okay that's it rant's over now
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Me: takes a position I know I will hate because it represents a promotion and will help me reach the place I actually want to be faster at the cost of being miserable for a few months.
Me, three weeks in: realizing I fucking hate this position and am miserable and am dreading going into work because of it.
Me: [surprised Pikachu face]
#i know i know#i knew this would happen and i still chose to do it because the pros outweighed the cons#but oh my fucking god i am really going through it right now everything is so much#i think its really the having no friends at work thats killing me#like my old workplace was very high school with its drama and gossip but at least i knew people there liked me#like i had managers that i knew i could talk to that actually thought i had potential and wanted me to succeed#everyone here looks at me like theyre wondering how the fuck i made supervisor#because its this sink or swim mentality with almost no coaching or training#just figure it out and fuck you if you screw up#and i genuinely don't feel like there's a single person there i can talk to about that#i haven't even told anyone there that I'm trans because I've already gotten major transphobia vibes from 2 of my superiors#im stressed man fuck#but i can't even complain really because i knew i KNEW going into this that it would be awful and I'd hate it#but it was the only way i was going to get promoted
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oi i’m pissed 2 high heaven
#B) but not anymore <3#my magic healing words#also i'm sick of trying 2 figure out why people dislike me lol. like who gives a shit.#they don't even have any goddamned taste#it was honestly my bad 4 being like 'oh maybe i should let myself make friends + be social' cause i already knew it would end in disaster u#know. i can't really trust most people + i also know that i'm kind of a temporary person in the irl world#the buds that are nice though were absolutely worth it. i wish she wasn't the loudest fucking voice lol. + i wish i hadn't reacted at all#i hate being unprofessional + i hate feeling like i'm fighting a worthless battle. i should've just let her run her mouth#i feel bad 'cause this friend i really respect picked up the emotional slack + i wish she hadn't had 2 do that. :/ i really care about her +#don't want her worrying over petty drama like this#honestly i also feel bad about being upset with this other friend but u can only be fucking weird so many times before someone talks back#like genuinely causing a distraction so i can't do the work that BOTH OUR NAMES are going on professionally? that shit is not endearing!#idk. i don't know what her game is so i don't know how to spin this in a positive light lmao.
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I kind of want to do a temperature blanket, but I don't care about the temperature, so I'm trying to think of something along the same format that's not as boring as temperature. I'm thinking maybe moon phases? I considered sunrise and sunset time, but it would require a lot of yarn and I'm not sure exactly how I would format it. Any ideas?
#i love knitting. its very calming#and i can do other things like listen to podcasts or music or watch a show while i do it#(it kills my hands because i was stupid when i first started knitting but we dont talk about that)#if you knit please don't push yourself too hard. take breaks. stretch your hands every few rows#ive made two blankets and a scarf and right now im working on a boanket for myself#the two blankets were for my best friend and my sibling. the scarf was for my girlfriend#now im working on a blanket thats just for me#because i realized i should probably stop or really limit my knitting after this#i really fucked up my hands tbh and i like using sign language and playing instruments so i dont want to make them worse#but a blanket like a temperature blanket is only one or two rows per day#its nice and limited knitting so i think i can manage that#but i dont know what to do!#i really do like the idea of moon phases because i love the moon :)#but im not sure. and id like a couple more ideas#my gf recommended tv show genres because im always watching a tv show#but rn im watching two game shows and a crime drama#maybe podcast genres? i love listening to podcasts because im alone so much at my job#and i usually dont listen to more than one at once#oh thats a cool idea#anyway lmk if you have any other ideas#love yall bye
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I love that u rbed that get mad at people post cause im literally going thru that shit rn!!! Like there really is a breaking point after communicating so clearly "hey this sucks please dont do it" Over and over and nothing ever changes and its literally like. Ive fuckin had enough lol. I dont just lie down and take it when people give me shit over and over.
YESSS literally recognizing when enough is enough is so freeing. and its so so painful to watch people endure and endure and endure bc society decided that forgiving and forgetting is the be all end all of healing. it isn't. sometimes healing starts with taking a knife to a rope and screaming that you won't let it drag you around any more.
i love you boundaries i love you paradox of tolerance i love you justified anger i love you self-compassion and rage going hand in hand i love you denial of second chances I LOVE YOU CATHARSIS AND HEALING AND CULTIVATING A HEALTHY SOCIAL LIFE etc etc,
#sprite.exe#like. idk. i think a lot about the shit that the people i care about have gone through.#i think abt the abuser that one of my friend groups endured for so so long before cutting them off.#i still think abt how much pain they were in. how much they still sometimes feel.#and how much i wanted to rip into him like a fucking animal but couldn't bc it'd just make the situation worse. i think.#and. i think abt my partners ex. and how fucking unfair and hurtful it was to him#and of course my love for him outweighs my rage towards it etc etc but there isnt a single day that goes by now#where i dont think abt what happened. where i don't think about how unfair the situation was and still is.#and theres so many other situations and bouts of drama in my past that i could list off here but the point is. im so so tired of#watching the people i care about just Endure. and if that post can make one more person realize that#they don't have to endure any more. that they can allow their rage to bring consequences to someone else's actions?#that will bring me joy.#whoops this turned into a long ass tag rant but i have so many thoughts in my brain every day#i gotta go fuckin... trim the weeds now. after i eat. got damn
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whatever you imagine happened during and after this scene is 1000% better than what happened in the actual show
#shrimp thoughts#(nothing. nothing happened)#(i thought fei lian would have a role in defeating him. yknow as the good friend who hates seeing yu huan Evil and Heartless#(what yh tells him here is LITERALLY that he has no heart anymore lol) and would rather kill him than see this great man like this!#but uhhh no literally nothing of that sort happened and yh was Magic Attacked into disintegrating because that's how villains go now ig#anyway as i must have said back then i am imagining the tense drama-filled au in which fl goes something like. what will it take to stop#you? i'll do Everything and there's a flicker of red in yh's eyes because i think that's very cool and also sexy#and this is how fl becomes yh's concubine and they rule with an iron fist etcetc i didn't watch the show#also i didn't watch the show SO i don't know what's up with mr grandpa and yh but i think it would be good FOR ME if yh needed to#get rid of that evil energy once in a while. lbh style#and fl lies awake at night having just been fucked into next thursday. yh is dead asleep next to him and he does his best not to look at his#face because he knows he's going to see his old friend and he's going to be overwhelmed with stupid fondness and the urge to tease him#about his stupid little frown even when he's asleep! loosen up dude or there won't be a mrs yu huan in the future!#and he's going to forget that every day he doesn't slit yh's throat in his bed is another day of suffering for innocent people#every day he spends wondering at what point can he start gently pushing yh towards relaxing that iron fist; towards maybe making things#better for people who don't deseve to live in pain -- is a day those people spend living in pain because of his inactivity#he should kill this man. as soon as possible to avoid sentiment muddling his morality. he should do it before it's too late#(but he knows that it has been too late when he agreed.)#THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. IN MY HEART. I AM FINE IF YOU WANT TO KNOW
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