David but he's going through it (being silly)

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

I feel silly even writing this. That being said.. what's it going to hurt? I know you have a tendancy to read things and lurking in places nobody would expect.  And personally, I don't think you'll ever actually read this, but I have always wanted to tell you what a fan I am, and I figure after this many years, it may be time.  I talked myself out of writing this, thinking nobody's going to read it, and that may be true, but, one time when i was drunk, I wrote president obama about how unjust the system was and rambled about domestic violence and he wrote me back a very personal letter and if that can happen because of my words, why not try to see if you read this and I can ramble about what an impact you made in my life.  And what a hypocrite i would be if i would sit every day telling people how important their stories are, but think that mine isnt important.  I don't need a response, and don't believe I will ever get one.. But it would mean the world to me if you knew how much you saved me as a kid.  To give you some context, I am a therapist now, but I have been a fan of yours since before your first album ever came out.  And I really believe that your album was a huge reason I got through my shitty childhood to be here today.  I would love to tell you a funny little glimpse of how I'm stumbled upon you.

So i grew up just dirt poor.  And i had a really, really traumatic childhood (and adulthood, but thats a different letter, to, Obama apparently) and i remember so vividly how i became a fan of yours.  So. I was trying to take a bath.  And i loved baths - this was my escape from my awful childhood right?   and i used to play the radio while i did and I'd crank the music.  And we lived in the middle of nowhere with no actual television reception so my parents had to pay for satellite TV.  So i did have that going  for me.   So i turn on the satellite radio on my parents tv all the way up, go draw my bath down the hall, and i get in the tub and get in, and i heard your music for the first time. I wish I could remember the first song, but i dont (I am betting Tim McGraw, but i dont recall precisely). What i do remember is me running down the hall in a towel, basically tripping over myself soaking wet, literally  dripping, yelling " DON'T CHANGE IT I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO IT IS".  And you or maybe the dj? announced your first album coming out, and i instantly knew what i was going to ask for for Christmas.  

I didnt think i was going to get it.  I actually rarely got what i wanted for gifts, They normally shopped at the dollar store. Around Christmas time, i showed them your CD and begged and begged for it. I still didn't think id get it. I have vague memories of showing them the CD of yours in a Kmart and very dramatically saying  " this one! " So They couldn't claim they didn't know which one it was when Christmas time rolled around. 

The suspense is killing you, im sure. So I'll  get to it, but, I did get your cd for Christmas. And then from that point on, every time I got screamed at, every time I was hurt, or I didn't feel heard, i could at least escape. It was a peace offering of sorts in my mind, i think.   My favorite song was probably "Tied Together With A Smile". 

Life got a little hard after that, I'd become a single mom at 19 and my relationships were, well, complicated, and your music just became more and more relatable. And I just was able to pour myself more and more into your music. I've always just been so thankful for your music to be there. I found a partner and I love him, and somehow your music is still relatable.

 I've appreciated that your music  has been there the whole time.  The staying power it had in my life, from teens to 30s, I think is what made it so impactful. Your music was the soundtrack of my life while ive been learning how to reclaim my life as my own - and seemingly watching you do the same. 

I always wished I could have seen you in concert. But money got tight, then stayed tight.  I settled for what i could- scream singing in the car and shower.   

I went to grad school, had some more kids, and I became a therapist and my parents disowned me which was a wild ride.  I tried so hard to get tickets to see you this time, I didn't think I would care that much, I even anticipated it not going in my favor as I was grown now and i can handle not getting to go to a concert if they ran out of tickets.

I will admit, this Ticketmaster fiasco felt so unfair.  I had worked for so long and so hard to get to a place where i could finally see you in person.  I had been a fan since before your first album.  Life had screwed me over so many times in so many ways, but it felt like i made it through it - and now i could support myself and spend my own money and be a part of this eras tour - see all the eras i couldn't see when i was hiding from the abusive relationships or couldn't afford the albums and had to repeat them on YouTube to memorize them.  I was crushed after 8+ hours of waiting to still not get tickets. 

I'm betting not hearing you in person probably hurt more at the time because I found you when I lived with my parents and  since I had been disowned semi recently by my parents and you had been such an integral part in my healing it became this awful metaphor for me not being able to move forward.  "I'm 32, I went to grad school, i still can't buy a house for my family, my car is going to die and I can't replace it (at the time), I'm stuck at a job that doesn't appreciate me, I can't even see the one concert I wanted, where did I fuck up so bad?" and like it was an awful loop of me messing up somewhere along the line.. and I cried probably every day from the day of Ticketmaster failure until the second day of Minneapolis, and even sometimes now even thinking about losing the chance. Ticketmaster had other ideas for me i guess.  And that's not on you, that's just a me thing.  And that's for my new therapist to unpack,  😂

I still try to watch the lives on tiktok so I can try to be a part of What is likely our generations Woodstock. You are doing amazing things, and I hope that you and your family and friends are endlessly proud of you.

Regardless, thank you for being a part of my journey, I'm so glad you were there. And if you ever tour again, which I hope you do, I'll see you there. 

I wrote this whole thing out on 8/1,  I was going to print it out and mail it as I had heard that's  the best avenue..  then I never got around to it as I felt silly. It's now 8/3, the day that more dates were announced (I knew it! I knew Canada would get some dates!)  Unfortunately Minnesota did not get more dates but I'm going to register for Indianapolis  on 11/2- it's worth a shot.  🤞. I slept on it, and said to myself, Let's put it on Tumblr and let the universe decide if you should see it.

(possible rant under cut. might not be entirely related)

a recording a took earlier today. im not proud of it. the vocals can barely be heard but frankly that might be a good thing. not that the ukulele-emulated-on-a-classical-guitar sounds too good

yet my brain wants me to post this and since it's 1am i dont have the energy to oppose it

i've also recorded riptide on that same scuffed set-up. but i have to find a way to either sing more loudly or play more quietly or position my headphones' microphone differently. also i messed up the chords right at the fucking end on that one

not that i havent played C minor instead of C on a couple of occasions here too but that only drives the point further

but, y'know, at least with this i feel like im kinda getting somewhere

at least with music i have some past experiences. drawing was never my thing and im not surprised i didnt go anywhere with it this time

but i'd like to eventualy try it a bit harder again, at some point. maybe before i come to understand better my possible aphantasia (not fun btw)

anyway, there's some more songs i want to learn to play on he guitar/ukulele(even makeshift ukulele) so.. maybe expect them in the soon-but-not-too-soon future? idk. goodnight

Aww I'm sure whatever you choose will be the right choice. They're both such great options!! I'll be cheering you on either way, or even if you choose something completely different. It's cool that you've done uni research too. I haven't. I've only researched one 🙃

ikr!! Honestly tho, if I could meet a Haikyuu character for a day, (with the exception of Tooru, because he'd be my first choice🥺🥺) I'd probably choose Kuroo. His science jokes would be top-tier istg :> what about you?

yeah it's really dangerous. They'll probably have a strict lockdown soon, too. Is everything okay over there? Or are the cases high too? :( If they are, please stay safe 🥺🥺)

ooh what cuisines do you mix?? :D I'm sure there's french in there (because of your adorable love for quiches) and maybe some East Asian (because of the noodles?)

Aww that sounds so frustrating, I wish you all the best, bae. I hope it won't bother you in the future, you've got through this!!

KSJDJSHSJ I'm melting your expressions must be really really cute. I'm usually just smiling like a dork, and that smile stays with me even after I reply. my brother once asked me why I was smiling into my maths book. (maths does not spark joy).

omg yes yellow and blue are a really good combination. They're my school colours too. And the Swedish flag colour :D what's your favourite colour btw? Is it white? 😝😝

Yeah I saw a peak in the numbers today. English is second highest so wohoo!!

oh I didn't mean to overwhelm you 🥺🥺 but I'm glad you know I care. I love you, Cookie, I truly to :)

I mean yess?? (Catboy Chishiya was second best) but that drawing you did of us is first :D Speaking of drawings; I'm so soft that drawing of tiny Tooru in the board and his smile was so sweet. thank you, so much!!🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 You're the best >.<

Heyyy I'm sorry for not answering earlier again😭😭😭 how was your day? I'm hoping it was alright!!! Mine was pretty good, still kinda tired but I feel better~

Thanks so much!!! It means a lot<3 I didnt really do the research, my teacher did... she really has big expectations of me, it's scary xD One is still something!! To be honest I did ones well and it's not really easy cuz I need to know everything cuz I'm paranoid like that😝

Ohh Kuroo is a great choice😩 he acts like an old man which is probably my second favorite thing about him, right after his chemistry obsession sjdjjwjfkskx

NOOOO that's a very difficult choice.... to be honest I would say Shoyo but I wanna meet everyone else too???!? Like maybe Ukai or Daichi because I need more advice on how to take care of myself physically💀 but if we're talking just someone to hang out with, without anything to worry about then yeah, probably Shoyo. He's so damn small I wanna give him a piggy back ride anywhere we go😩😭

Yeah, it's really the best choice:( I think situation in our place is moderate? I mean, theres less rgan 1000 cases per day in the whole country (?), I dont know if that's moderate, but that sounds better than if was at first😖

Theres a lot, really, we mostly have west and east asian foods? And a few Russian dishes, like pelmeni and vareniki <3 I especially love the potato ones, the cottage cheese ones arent my style😔 well, at least those are the ones we make here hehe~ The quiches I make are actually just something I found because of a game, which is funny but true XD ever since I tried making one with my ✨secret recipe✨ I couldnt stop. Barely anyone even knew that thing existed before I brought it into the picture XD

AWHH you're literally the cutest😭 I make you smile even though maths... that's a huge honor, ma'am. I'm proud😭😭💕

Ohh that's so cool!! That's our country's flag color as well hehe. You guessed it right😝 its white~ but I also really like muted brown and yellow. They're so comforting, you know? Kinda the colors of pastries <3

Ooo!! That's so cool omg, I'm very happy for you🥺

Heheh don't worry!! It still felt nice😋💕💕

Seriously, two of my children are your top two??? I'm in tears, you're giving me goo much credit😭🤍 I'm very glad you liked them, though, I was very happy drawing Tooru and mini Tooru for you hehe😙💕 Love you so much!!! Hope your day went great♡

Imagine Erik Claudin writing a song for you for Christmas

It was the night before Christmas Eve and you found yourself working late into the cold lonely hours of the night at the Paris Opera House. You were a simple stagehand. You had no singing or musical talent, but you enjoyed being in the theater and getting to listen to all the performances.

You threw on your coat and were on your way back home when you heard a violin playing in the distance. You thought you were the only one there tonight. You stopped to listen. Whoever was playing, played a soft tune, almost like a love song. You wanted to listen more, but it was late and you were eager to return home.

The next day, there was a knock at your door. You weren't expecting anyone so early. You opened the door to find Erik Claudin standing there. You recognized him as a violinist in the orchestra. He was very talented, you recalled. You only crossed paths with him a few times, but you enjoyed the conversations you had with him, however very brief.

"Messuir Claudin! What a pleasant surprise!" You exclaim.

"Joyeux Noel, Mr/Ms. Y/LN, may I come in?" He asks with a warm smile. You step aside and let him in. You notice he has his violin with him, but you're unsure unsure why. Perhaps he had an engagement at the theater later? You guide him into the drawing room, away from the drafty door.

"What brings you here today?" You ask.

He shuffles his feet, clearly nervous. "I wrote you a song...its a Christmas present." He answers with a warm smile. You didnt know how to respond. Nobody ever wrote a song for you before. You were flattered.

"For me? Why?" You ask curiously.

He blushes, not sure what to say. "You inspired me, Y/N. You're very beautiful...and you're one of the nicest people I ever met." He answers sincerely. Now it was your turn to blush.

He removes his voilin from the case and places it on his shoulder, quickly tuning it before playing the first notes. You sit down in a nearby chair and listen quietly. It was a lovely song, it sounded so familiar. You sat there trying to remember where you heard it before. You watched him. His eyes glimmer as he continues to play. You can tell he really loved music. Each note he played was just as passionate as the next. Suddenly, it occurred to you. This was the song you heard in the opera house the previous night. It was Erik you heard playing...playing a love song...for you.

He finished the song and looked to you, waiting to see your reaction. "That was beautiful, Messuir Claudin!" You say with a big smile.

He breathes a sigh of relief. "I'm glad you like it." He says as he begins to put away his voilin.

"Thank you. I Wish I had gotten you something." You say, feeling guilty. You didn't even think he liked you, let alone write a song for you.

"Its alright, I'm just happy with knowing you liked the song." That still didnt make you feel any better.

"Would you like to stay for dinner? It's the least I can do."

"I'd be delighted...if it's not too much trouble."

"Not at all. Maybe later you could play that song again?"

"I would like that." He says in the softest voice. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door interrupting you. "That must be the other guests. Make yourself comfortable." You say turning towards the door. An idea suddenly pops into your head. You stop for a moment and bite your lip, carefully considering your actions. Do you dare? You quickly turn around and plant a kiss on Claudin's cheek. You could feel your face instantly turn red and you rush out of the room.

Claudin stands there dumbfounded for a moment, his hand on his cheek where you kissed him. This was going to be quite the Christmas, he thought to himself. He couldn't wait to play the song again for you and hopefully many more times after.