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sroloc--elbisivni · 5 months

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bunnyguard reflection

in the spirit of 'fuckit it's my own blog i can be sappy if i want to' as well as 'this took a year and 78k and i get to keep talking about it for at least one more day' now and here is the time and place for personal yap that did not go in the last author's note.

preliminarily speaking, i had this concept in mind before I'd finished either the usagi yojimbo comics OR watching Rise. i spent so much of both of those series fishing out little moments and choices by leo and usagi that made me go 'oh my god i NEED these guys to meet, i need to watch them bounce off each other.' I kept collecting snips of ideas, and dialogue, and encounters that never quite all panned out or fit together because this was just so much fun for me to play in. I had a lot of wanting to turn this into a real story but no concrete frame to build it on, and then in january i saw the year of the otp prompts go by. and went 'oh haha that looks fun.' it was even the year of the rabbit. and then i went 'oh!! what if i did VIGNETTES for these!!' and then less than three days later the Battle Nexus as political element of the Hidden City, complete with connections to the very different other iteration of it that we'd seen, fell into place and suddenly this silly little whim was an actual big project staring me down with an ambitious goal in mind, and I had no idea if I could pull it off.

structuring it as a month by month thing was something i'd never done before. it forced me to wait to find out what would happen, to keep building to something that didn't exist yet, to lay down the track while I was driving the train. and at the same time, it gave me space to grow, to practice putting together a beginning, middle, and end every month. and it gave me something to look forward to, and the excitement of dropping in threads that wouldn't pay off for months, and watching as it went to see what the audience reaction would be. were people getting out of it the things i wanted to give them? was i hitting the notes i wanted? i had the sketch of the year, but i was still learning what was going to happen until the moment the last word hit the page. plot and character choices, but also big thematic stuff! i described November's fic as 'the ten of swords' to Space and then went 'wait a fucking second' and realized that I could draw a connection, in order, between each fic and a numerical card of tarot's suit of swords. (mostly one-to-one --october straddles 9-10, and December loops us back around to the Ace of swords, for new beginnings.) i couldn't have done that on purpose. if i'd had that thought in january i would have gone 'no that's too pretentious and too hard' and avoided it.

also!! this has been a year of my life!! over the course of this series, i've had four different living situations (that lasted longer than a week), two different jobs, and gone back to school. i had to change meds, which was an anxious ordeal in 'am i even going to be able to focus on anything now?' the cat that was purring on my lap while i worked on the first few months has now passed away. this fic kept me company on the flight for my move to a different continent. it kept me sane in the middle of a very stressful summer. it's helped me meet and get closer to some really cool people. i can FEEL how it's made me a stronger writer.

and on top of all that: i am deeply, genuinely, truly proud of this series. i'm glad i wrote it. i'm amazed at how it's turned out. i can see things i would change if i did it over, but i'm glad i won't be. i'm glad this is the way it exists. and i am utterly blown away that there are people who told me they were looking forward to it every month, that they've been following it since the beginning, that they like what i've done with this place. this is the longest-term project i've ever done. it's the most words i've ever put into a single narrative. i can't believe it's never going on my wip rotation again. whadda hell.

i have no idea if i'll ever do anything like this again. i hope it won't be anytime soon--there are other things i want to do in the meantime. but god, am i glad i did it.

#sroloc babbles #fic talk #bunnyguard

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vanillabby · 8 months

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20.09.2023 10:59 PM

Dear blog, Long time no see. where to start? Years have past, i think i missed you. I stayed away for long thinking that i would grow out of my thoughts from years ago. and in a way i did. happy to say things turned around when i changed an put in effort. but i never really thought about the consequences. it sounds dumb but when you are struggling to survive emotionally, all you want is to finally not feel pain anymore. the countless sleepless nights. higher than the edge of the universe, just to not feel the bottled up emotions. i lived like that for years. thinking back it was tough, i thought it would never end. for many it seemed like i had everything on the outside, but i grew up with a huge void on the inside. safe to say i spent the last 12 years of my damned life to fix the damage. went through a lot of shit. and now? ppl probably think i succeeded. i mean why would they not think that? i have pretty much everything going for me, right? it looks like it, right? so it has to be fine, right?

Anyway, nobody, not even i was prepared to feel the soul crushing weight of all responsibilities i took on in life. there is no failing now, because who would catch me if i fall? Still Nobody. sometimes i think to myself, what did i pull through for? i can't really say that i did it for myself, i just did it and now i'm here, years later. the struggle never ends, there is just one struggle after the other and i think i would be fine with it on my own, but the relationships i built after i recovered for most of my past, have been putting such a strain on me, even though i love them dearly. it started out beautifully. Now i keep asking myself if its still worth it? my heart is so attached to them, but the discomfort, the pain, the disappointment. its breaking my soul. the countless hours i invested. yet the same issues reoccur, over and over again. feels like i'm about to go crazy. it hurts me, because it feels like i'm suffering on my own like i used to. just in a different way. i feel hopeless. am i facing the fact that all my efforts have made me end up in the same situation i tried so hard to escape from? will it ever be different? is it all a vicious cycle?

i guess my curse is that i'm too self-aware but cant seem to be able to change the outcome of how things effect me and especially how ppl treat me. i know i can't control ppl. yet i still can't help believing, that ppl can change for the better. if i just gave them more of my love and time, just more patience and understanding, more help and support. they love me right? wouldn't you be better for the person you love? the person that shows you love. the person that can communicate their love and needs, the person that always wants to be there for you, the person that would go to the end of the world for you. so why is that the ppl claiming they love me, hurt me the most? i did everything to get better and i didn't really have anybody that loved or supported me back then. everybody was holding me down. i felt like i was suffocating for years. then i left because i couldn't take it anymore, and they all showed their true colours. they dropped me in an instance and didn't support my decision. it felt like i had lost everything and pretty much everybody i knew. yet i changed for the better. i kinda did it the hard way. i had nobody close to guide me. No hand to hold for a long time. But life was going up because i taught myself and learned form my past, my mistakes, my trauma. I met many lovely ppl i hold close to my heart, i came back the person i was always supposed to be. happy, beaming, creative, silly, goofy, emotional and full of love. I was contagious.

Because of what i went through i realised how important love and support really is. therefore i acquired all the knowledge i could over the years. the internet is a great place, an abundance of information right at your fingertips, countless videos or podcasts. whatever your heart desires. alongside an abundance of real life experiences to convert the knowledge into skill. obviously once again, not claiming to be perfect. yet the most bitter pill to swallow is realising that the person you love still just doesn't get it. after hours of explaining and countless chances all these years. i find myself in doubt, doesn't mean i don't love them. i love them dearly. i want to spend my life with this person, but i just feel defeated. for the countless time explaining normal human decency and respect and what i want from love. i was willing to put in the effort and take hits for the greater cause. but i guess i was just delusional, it's been going on for so long, it feels like i have nothing left to give. its been soul crushing. yet i still find it in me to try. i'm by far not perfect and i have made many mistakes, but to me it seem, deep down, they are not really trying. all empty words, promises and apologies. they have made me dull again. my skin looks old, because i overthink everything and don't sleep, asking myself where i went wrong all night long. i have come to a point where i feel abused and mistreated again. i can't love openly anymore. i miss my happy old self. she was so pure.

on top of all that, i must admit my eating disorder is back again. funny how it sneaks up on you. like the good old days. i don't move anymore, don't really eat anymore when i'm alone, which i am often. i'm skinny as a stick, and the sick part is my brain went back to wanting to lose more weight again. even though there is nothing that i can afford to lose. i was so happy when i thought i got rid off my self sabotage habits. i was wrong. i think they never left, l just had the mental capacity to fight it each day. it pains me to admit, i don't believe i have it in me anymore. i have been distancing myself emotionally from the person i love to spare me and it works most times. daily life feels as normal as it can be, but its obviously not sustainable. i want a deep connection but every time i open up it only lasts for a short time and then i'm inevitably met with yet another disappointment that overshadows all the good. i feel unease. scared to open up because i don't want to get hurt over and over again. highs are too high, lows are way too low. i don't feel secure. so much has happened in the past. i feel like at any time they could pull the rug out from under me. i don't know what to do. i don't want to give this up. will i really have to choose myself and walk away form the person i love, because they just can't treat me right?

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crypticpaw · 4 years

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Cat Bath

Entrapta X Hordak fic!

Author’s note: This is an entrapdak fanfic written by me! I wrote it as feral because that’s the way I draw them so I just thought it would be fair. If you don’t understand what’s going on, just search #entrapdak on my blog and take a look at my artwork! I’m not very confident on my writing and I feel like there’s a lot of stuff I need to improve on. Tell me what you guys think! I hope this is fun!

Please, tell me how I went! I hope you all like it, and let me know if you’d like to see more! Thanks for reading!

-Why are you always so licky?! -Entrapta asked in a anoyed tone. She tried to suppress a low growl, still writhing underneath Hordak's paws, caught on another one of his "grooming" sessions. Which normally meant sitting her down and licking her entire body, leaving her a pouting and blushing mess.

This wasn't new. Since they first started to allowed themselves to show physical affection, Hordak was outraged at the fact that dogs don't groom themselves, and made it so every now and then that Entrapta should be groomed. Even if he had to chase her and grab her by the scruff to do so.

-Stop writhing! - he said, still with his tongue at her ear. -We would have been done by now if you didn't struggle!

Entrapta let out a whine of protest as he left her right ear to lick her belly. She felt her cheeks warm up and pushed his head with her hind leg. He growled loudly, it didn't faze her not in the slightest.

-Entrapta, we've been over this! I groom you so your fur won't tangle and the already dead fur won't stick to your body! It's healthier this way!

-Then why don't I see you do it?

-Because I don't have as much fur as you. -he caught her midway out of his grasp, and flipped her on her back again. -And I don't try to fight it!

She barked and whined trying to writhe away from the cat's paws, her face redder than a tomato. It did not seem to faze Hordak, though, as he continued his work on her sides this time. Entrapta's ear fur embraced and tangled around Hordak's body, despite the protest. She knew grooming was also a sign of love and worry, based on her observations. His tail was wrapped around her ear fur and sometimes when she was silent, she could hear very low purring.

Entrapta did not want to be silent today. Hordak decided it was a good idea to stop her midway into a brilliant experiment to lick her clean and she would not go down without a fight.

-Why DO you do this, anyway? -she asked in a huff.

Hordak sighed.

-I told you. It's that so your fur won't tangle and the dead fur can leave so healthier fur can grow on it's place. -his licking grew softer. She made a mental note to get him to talk more during grooming session. -And it also keeps it smooth and clean.

Entrapta frowned.

-Smooth and clean? You're not cleaning me! If that's your objective, you're making it worse! You're just slobbering me! I thought you hated slobbering! -she protested, confused this time.

-I am not slobbering you! I do not drool! I am not a dog! -Entrapta stuck out her tongue at him at that last sentence. -And how else are you supposed to do to brush your fur if not groom it?

-That's easy. I just use a brush.

It was Hordak's turn to be confused. His ears perked up and he tilted his head at her statement.

-A brush...?

-Yeah, like one of these. -her fur left his body for a second to reach the drawer on her nightstand beside her bed. She took out a strange tool, smilar to a screw-drive but had bristles at the end of it and a lot of purple fur.

He sniffed it, still not understanding her point. It just smelled of her...

-Hordak, have you never seen a brush before? -Entrapta was surprised. He always was so worried about his appearence and makeup and everything, very picky with dresses and sometimes even insisted she get changed for some reason. -How do you even brush your fur after your baths?!

-I told you, I groom myself.

-Doesn't it taste like soap after you bathe?

They were both so confused.

-Beloved, why would I ever put soap in my fur before grooming?

-No, not grooming! -Entrapta shook her head. -I mean after an actual bath. You know... Soap and water and shampoo?

Hordak wrinkled his nose and his ears pressed against his head. Red teeth showing.

-Why would I ever groom in water? I despise it! -he hissed.

Entrapta's ears fell and her eyes widened as the realization hit her.

-Hordak... You have NEVER taken a bath?!

-Well...

She gasped loudly.

-LORD HORDAK OF DRYL, ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU'VE NEVER BATHED IN YOUR LIFE?!?

She was raised on her ears, her fur on her scruff was tingled and her teeth were showing. Her tone was loud and severe, almost comanding. Hordak was taken a back as she continued to lecture him.

-That's nasty, Hordak! Even I know better than that! -she barked. -That's irresponsible and highly anti-hygienic! Now I'M disappointed!

Entrapta's ear fur now gripped strongly around his body. His ears fell back and his tail hid between his legs.

-We need to get you to the tub asap! -she jumped out of bed and made it for the bathroom door, but Hordak dug his claws on the bed and screeched in protest when she pulled him.

-Absolutely not! -he yelled. -I am not going one meter close to water! I'd rather have my skin grow mold! I understand your worry for my well being, Entrapta, but I will do just fine grooming myself! There is no way in this world I'll get in a bath tub!

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Hordak yelled and clawed at the edge of the tub, desperately trying to get out. Entrapta's ear fur still held an iron grip around him, pulling the more he struggled.

-THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I DEMAND YOU RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT, ENTRAPTA! -He tried to sound menacing, but his words came out as desperate more than anything. -IT'S A WASTE OF TIME AND RESOURCES! I CANNOT BELIEVE-

He was cut off by a stream of water dropped in his scalp. He screeched, yowled, clawed and paddled, but Entrapta was holding him still, watering him with the shower hose. She grabbed her shampoo, conditioner, sponge and everything else she thought would be necessary and hopped back at her shouting mess of a lab partner.

She brought him to the edge where she stood and shushed him with a kiss on the lips. Hordak's face turned red, even redder than it already was, and he turned to her in anger.

-WHY ARE WE STILL GOING THROUGH WITH THIS?!

-'Cause you're still dirty, silly! -she answered in a fake innocent tone.

Entrapta took one of her bottles and poured it's content on the water.

-What is that?

-Bubble bath mixture! It makes the water all bubbly! -she mixed the water with a strap of her fur and bubbles started to form.

-What for? -she gave him the now empty bottle and he read the label: "Extra Bubbly! For extra fun in the water and extra comfort!".

This was not comforting at all! He threw the bottle over his head and clung to the edge of the tub again, digging his claws on the marble. Entrapta took off her mask and wiggled her hips before jumping right in. She raised out of the water again and shook her head before turning to him.

-I just like it bubbly! How's the experience of your first bath so far?

-Hellish! -he hissed. -I've been striped bare out of my armor and clothes! I've almost drowned in bubbles, and I am still being held captive in this idiotic joke of a torture room!

Entrapta couldn't help but laugh. Hordak could see her tail wagging on the water, splashing bubbles around. She grabbed the soaked sponge and paddled to him.

-It's just a bath, Hordikins! It's for your own good! Not a torture session!

-I doubt that! -her laughter rang in his ears again. He eyed her strange tool as she approached him. -What is that?

-It's a sponge! For scrubbing!

-Scrubbing...?

-Yup! Like this! -she reached with the sponge and scrubbed his neck gently. He immediately started clawing and screeching once again.

Anyone out of the bathroom would swear Entrapta was probably degutting Hordak alive, but the Lord of Dryl's first experience in a bath tub was simply not going smoothly. He questioned her in her shampoo and conditioner as well. Entrapta tilted her head.

-I won't get any chemical substance on you, you big dork! It's just shampoo! It's made to wash your fur! Like this! -she poured a little on her paw and smoothed her fur with it.

Hordak watched her in awe. She seemed so calm and relaxed, he couldn't understand It. Wasn't she cold? Couldn't she smell at all? She turned back to him.

-See? It wasn't that bad! -pouring more in her paw again, she climbed on him to get to his fur on his head.

He tried backing away again, but was already cornered. He did not shout, but still growled loudly at her paws on his fur.

-I still don't get it... You seem so worried about your appearance overall, I assumed you took a lot of baths in addition to grooming! -Entrapta explained. -Why are you so scared of water?

-I am not scared! I'm... I'm bothered... -Hordak lied.

-Buy why?

He growled and took a deep breath. Hordak was terrible with his words when saying his feelings out loud. Even for Entrapta.

-My... Body temperature dropped drastically, and the soap and the shampoo... Smell! Awful!

Entrapta stopped and turned to look him in the eyes, cupping his face between her paws so their noses touched.

-I'm sorry, I didn't realize it. I can turn the temperature higher if you want?

He nodded. She left his face to adjust the tap. In a few moments the bathroom was filled with vapor and Hordak felt his muscles relax.

-Do you feel better? -she asked in a genuine concerned tone. -The smell bothers me as well and the shampoo and soap I use are already pretty weak, so I didn't thought it would bother you... We could find one that doesn't smell so bad.

-Thank you, beloved...

She kissed his forehead and a low purr escaped out of him. She wagged her tail again when his claws drew back.

#entrapdak #entrapdak fanfic #entrapdak fanfiction #she ra and the princesses of power #she ra #spop #she ra fanfic #fanfic #writing #fanfic writing #entrapta #hordak #hordak is a nasty cat #fuckin' bath time #lol #fluff #crack fanfic #my writting

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tomorrow-human · 4 years

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MY THOUGHTS ON iDKHOW'S ALBUM DEBUT: RAZZMATAZZ

So I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME have just released RAZZMATAZZ today and heres what I think...

[SIDE A]

¹LEAVE ME ALONE:

A bombastic opening track. Was released in the beginning of August...? Probably? This song just SCREAMS at you with retro futuristic funkiness. It has 8-bity flourishes in the instrumentation and seems to be maybe talking to the same person as Choke (from 1981 E.P.) and the title track Razzmatazz have been (or maybe a separate entity as suggested by the vinyl booklet and Indoctoration?).

Anyway, fantastic track, great opener, and nice mood-setter.

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²INDOCTORATION:

It's... eerie. It's not a song in the same sense as Leave Me Alone, despite having a wobbly backing track. It's a spoken interlude that seems to be initiating you into Tellex maybe? It yet again mentions the White Shadows that will be overseeing your progress with Tellex. It seems oddly nostalgic for some reason. That's strange. Overall, solid little piece of lore building that really reinforces the concept aspects.

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³MAD IQs:

It's the first song from this album that wasn't released as a single and it made my jaw literally drop. It has a similar lyrical and vocal structure to the opener and New Invention, but what I like is how much they were able to do with it, though it makes you wonder about how far apart these songs were written; but In the context of the albums concept and the Tellex stuff however, it could be interpreted as a corporate decision, this repetition. The minimal instrumentation in the verses with Ryan's sturdy drumming and Dallon's bassline makes me go fucking bananas. It's so fucking great and full of this punchy energy. And the HARMONIES. YES. "Voluntary victim~" "I'm burning~ in your mad IQs" SIR STOP BEING SO VOCALLY TALENTED. Also I think i heard him shriek right before the bridge which? Snazzy. So Mad IQs, energetic track, filled with more of iDKHOWs signature darkness.

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⁴NOBODY LIKE THE OPENING BAND:

Ah yes, Opening Band. Ironic considering how often iDKHOW are the opening band, but I'm sure that's obvious, seeing how they usually sing this one at the start of their gigs. It was actually (I think) the first or second song I didn't know how but found through youtube so I might be pretty biased here. It's a sweet sounding change of pace with the instrumentation being made up of only the piano and tambourine that tells of a typical opening band, that no ones ever heard before and likely will never hear again, via a sympathetic narrator with a hint of the typical iDKHOW teasing. In all honesty, it would've worked better as the album opener, which then could've been followed by Leave Me Alone, but it's a nice change of pace overall.

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⁵NEW INVENTION:

I already reviewed this song on my other blog right here so imma keep this brief. It shares similar aspects to Leave Me Alone, with the music video concept and song structure, but It manages to darken the narrative, and the choir-esq harmonies sound like ultra bright neon lights that only push this mood further. It still is a magnificent song and by far one of my favourites in the album.

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⁶IN THE GALLOWS:

MASSIVE SHIFT IN STYLE HOLY FUCKOLY-. The track opens with a very cutesy old timey little piano intro and starts the verse with a little funny beat. If you don't listen to the lyrics, it sounds like a silly little oldie song. But as we all know, iDKHOW doesn't do silly. The lines "For you, I'd die▪︎Or kill myself▪︎which ever makes you smile," From just the first verse are a prime example of this. The narrators murderous and suicidal intentions have clouded the romantic attraction into obsession- And I kinda like that, in a poetic way. The chorus is a standout, with the calm start to the explosion in the line "I'd swing from the gallows and wave" that just swings at you with a baseball bat to the chest. Oh, and the sax solo? Magnificent. This whole song is a chefs kiss from me.

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⁷CLUSTERHUG:

I love the lyrics of this song the most of it all. It sounds like a rebellious teenager wrote it after thinking about how shit their hometown is and wanting to get out. It also incorporates how much the narrator would want to do all this with their crush, adding that slightly goofy and pretend-aloof chorus of "only if you'd like me to I could fall in love with you" as if they weren't already in love or at least that's how I see it. The vibe of this song is more pop-y than the rest of the album, but that's more likely because it was repurposed for Razzmatazz after being originally written for The Brobecks, their older band. It's a nice little tune :).

[SIDE B]

⁸SUGAR PILLS:

This. Will. Get. Stuck. In. Your. Head- and. You. Will. Like. It. Basically, just seems like a song about drugs that, for some reason, reminds me of Gorillaz (who I dont even listen to). But the BASSLINE AGAIN- Jesus help me live. It has more of that energy we saw with the first few tracks and adds even more electronic elements. It's probably my second favourite song from this album that's not a single because of how fun the chorus sounds. What else can I say? I can just imagine myself bopping to this in the car screaming 'SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR PILLS' On a hot day.

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⁹KISS GOODNIGHT:

It's so sweet 🥺. It's one of those songs I could imagine a character in a movie singing to someone from a stage. If you want pretty song vibes just listen to it. Because it is a pretty song. And that's all I have to say on it. Now allow me to take a moment and shove it into my pretty song playlist that acts like my personal lullaby machine.

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¹⁰LIGHTS GO DOWN:

Yes. F u n k y. Give me that sweet sweet disco energy, thank you. It's just filled with all these *☆~blingy and sparkly~☆* effects, and, combined with the drumming, the result is just glorious. The best part of this song is in my opinion the bridge where it goes darker lyrically and in sound that just naturally slides into another funky-ass sax solo. I can definitely see myself dancing to this at a party and then in later years growing nostalgic for those days.

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¹¹NEED YOU HERE:

It's supposed to be happy in tone and hopeful slightly but it just makes me sad. It's a song about how, because Dallon has to tour because it's his job, he has to be away from his family often. And he had nO RIGHT ADDING HIS DAUGHTERS VOCALS AND RECORDINGS INTO THE MIX ITS LIKE HE WANTS US TO CRY. It's not my favourite of the album, not going to lie here, but it's also such a sweet song with nice instrumentals and vibe 🥺 so that's all I'll say.

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¹²DOOR:

It seems like this one was written around the time sad ukulele music was really at its peak but am I complaining? Fuck no because this song is great. It just gives it to you straight, that if the narrator ever does anything that the recipient doesn't like, they can always cut them out of their life. It's nice in that regard- you don't usually get songs that don't try to deflect the pain or gain pity. We need more of these kinds of songs. The shortness of it really adds to the effect of this being more like a regularly said thing, even though I'm always a bit sad that it ends so fast. It does, however, nicely close the near end of the album before Razzmatazz.

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¹³TOMORROW PEOPLE:

Creepy Tellex thank-you note. You're welcome..? I want no part in your conspiracy tho. Go away weird American corporate man voice.

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¹³RAZZMATAZZ:

And there it is. The title track. Like new inventions, I have already reviewed it here on that same blog so this will be brief also and more just thoughts. It's a great closer and is more old timey than most of the songs here as well. And with the last instrumental and sax solo, we come to the albums inevitable end... until next time.

[GENERAL THOUGHTS]

Overall, this was a fantastic little debut for iDKHOW and I loved it. So worth the pre-order. The songs were great and the lyrics were just excellent. My only real criticism is that the song order on Side A was a bit strange. I feel a way to fix this would be to throw Nobody Likes The Opening Band into the beginning, then have Leave Me Alone as a second track, and maybe even switch one of the songs on this side with one from Side B (either Mad IQs or New Invention with something else but then that would be kind of stretching it). Or maybe even switching Clusterhug with Mad IQs or New Invention could work. So in general? Razzmatazz good album. Next question.

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Thank you for reading, anyone who happens to see this and have read this. Hope you've enjoyed some of my thoughts on the debut and agreed with at least 2 points I made. See y'all on another review (or shitpost)!

-L.J

#idkhow #i dont know how but they found me #idkhbtfm #the i dont knows #dallon weekes #ryan seaman #lenas opinions #razzmatazz

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