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rhysismydaddy · 4 years

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Naughty Neighbors pt. 5 (Elriel)

My anxiety literally couldn’t stand thinking yall were upset/confused, so here’s the fifth part. Disclaimer I stole a line from From Blood and Ash.

1 more part to go... and it’s out tomorrow because I already wrote it lol. Sneak peak = smut

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~Azriel~

“You look like shit, man,” Rhys remarks, sipping his whiskey and eyeing me curiously.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with you?” Cassian asks from behind the bar, sliding another beer in front of me.

“Bad week,” I mutter, taking a long pull from the bottle.

That’s a fucking understatement.

It’s been exactly seven days since Elain basically told me to go fuck myself.

I’d stupidly thought everything would kind of work itself out this week. I mean, there was no way she was planning to stay in that apartment for two whole weeks. She had to come out, which to me, meant I got to see her.

Except, unlike I’d thought, she didn’t come to her senses and tell me what I did when the inevitable run-in happened.

Nope.

She threw up.

I was leaving work, and she’d happened to be closing her shop at the same time. She’d looked up, and for a split second, she’d looked at me like she used to.

Like I meant something to her.

But then her skin went pale, eyes misty, and she put a hand over her mouth and turned back to the shop at a run.

Basically, the sight of me made her nauseous.

And if that didn’t make the week suck enough, the words she’d shouted at me last Friday sure as shit got the job done.

I’m not stupid enough to love you.

Oh yeah, that felt good.

Actually, every time I thought about it felt like getting punched in the chest. I’m not exactly keen on reliving that moment right now, even with two of my best friends. I’m here to drink, not depress myself further.

So when Cassian opens his fat mouth again, I growl, “Fucking drop it.”

His eyebrows shoot up, along with Rhys’s. Honestly, if I weren’t so damn miserable, mine would, too. These two idiots have known me my entire life and have pulled me out of some dark places, and I never snap at them.

“Sorry, man. I’m just... I don’t feel like talking about it.”

He nods, but there’s confusion and concern in his eyes. I look down at the bar.

I can practically feel the two of them exchanging a look, and I sigh, knowing what’s coming.

Rhys confirms it a second later. “Alright, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

Cassian grins. “Pussy problems, huh?”

“Shut up,” Rhys tells him, but then glances at me and his eyebrows shoot up and he grins. “He’s right, isn’t he? You’re having pussy problems?”

I’m ready to swing on them both. “Hard to have pussy problems when you’re not getting any. And stop saying that, anyway. We sound like assholes.”

Rhys’s lips twitch. “You really like this girl.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because she hates me.”

“Why do you think she hates you?” Cassian asks.

I grimace at the memory. “Well, for starters there’s the fact that she told me to stay the fuck away from her. And that she’d be stupid to love me. Oh, and then when I saw her this week, she literally threw up at the sight of my face.”

My best friends look at each other in shock. “She told you she’d be stupid to love you?” Rhys asks, and I nod. “What the hell did you do?”

Dropping my forehead to the bar, I grumble, “I have no idea. She kissed me, and then the next time I saw her she’s crying and asking me if this she’s a game to me or something. No, a sick joke. She asked if me flirting with her was a sick joke.”

I lean up and swipe a bottle from the bar shelf then pour some straight in my mouth.

“Did you try apologizing?”

“Yeah. She told me to save the bullshit.”

I drink some more, but Cassian gives me a concerned look and takes the bottle back.

“You have to talk to her, man,” Rhys informs me like the very helpful bastard he is.

“Didn’t you hear the part about her puking last time she saw me?”

Cassian chips in. “Bring a bucket.”

I roll my eyes, but the urge to smile makes my lips twitch.

“Just talk to her, Az. She has to at least tell you what happened.”

Easier said then done.

The next day, I take a deep breath, tell myself to stop being such a little bitch, and step into The Archeron.

My eyes find Elain immediately, so I get to watch the little smile on her face fall away when she sees me.

“You’re... in my shop.”

It’s the first thing she’s said to me in two weeks. It’s definitely not what I want to hear, but it’s fucking wonderful just to hear her voice.

“Yeah,” I say like a dumbass.

“You never come in here,” she points out, still shocked apparently. But that ebbs to something I like even less, and she demands, “Leave.”

Reaching to grab a random flower from one of the many overflowing bins, I throw it on the counter. “I’m a paying customer, and I’m not leaving.”

“Fine. That’ll be thirty dollars.”

My brows shoot up. “For a fucking weed?”

Her beautiful brown eyes narrow, and she gives me a victorious, evil little smile. “Just since you called it a weed, I think the price has gone up to fifty. If you don’t want it, you can always leave.”

Oh, she thinks she’s so clever, doesn’t she.

I stomp over and grab another one. “I’ll take two.”

Before she can tell me the price has doubled or something, I throw a bill down on the counter.

She snatches it up and puts it in the register, glaring at me the entire time.

“You have your weeds,” she tells me. “Please leave.”

“Not until you tell me why you went from kissing me to hating me.”

Elain rolls her eyes and grabs her phone off the counter. “I’m calling the police.”

Well, she’s dedicated to her desire to get rid of me, I’ll give her that. But she’s not getting away with it so easily.

I snatch the phone up and put it in my back pocket. “Feel free to come get it.”

“Fine.” She does come around the counter, but she brushes past me and heads straight for the door. “Keep the damn phone. I’m leaving.”

“No, you’re not,” I inform her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to stand in front of me. “Just tell me, Elain. Please. I swear I’ll leave you alone if you do.”

That seems to get her attention. She considers that proposition, decides it’s worth it just to get rid of me, and shouts, “I heard you, you bastard!”

“Okay... heard me do what?”

Is this about me having fake sex with Mor? Because she didn’t seem to care-

“I heard you on the phone,” she says in a hard, harsh tone. “I heard you tell that woman that I kissed you. And I heard you laugh about it.”

Woman? What woman? What the hell is she talking about?

I open my mouth to ask, but she’s on a roll now and doesn’t give me the chance. “Oh, don’t look so confused. I literally heard you say you want me to love you before you have sex with me. I heard you say you’re going to trick me!”

She reaches out and shoves me, then yells, “And I am not a fucking maiden!”

Understanding dawns on that word and I realize how stupid I’ve been.

She heard me talk to Mor. After we kissed.

Oh, gods. She hasn’t talked to me in two weeks because she thinks I’m playing her and that I’m dating Mor?

I can’t stop the smile from pulling on my cheeks. She’s going to be so pissed when I tell her. “Elain-”

“You told her you love her! So go! Go love her, and leave me the hell out of your little games!”

She’s breathing hard, skin flushed, and looks ready to set me on fire.

And even though I know she’ll try and kill me for laughing, I can’t stop it. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

~Elain~

Well, he’s got that right.

“You’re an asshole, too. An big, idiotic asshole.”

Even if he doesn’t look like an asshole at the moment. He looks like he’s trying not to laugh again.

He keeps grinning as he slaps a hand over her mouth and rolls his eyes. “Thank you.”

Rage flares, and before she knows what she’s doing, she bites his finger hard enough to get him to drop his hand.

“Did you just... bite me?”

She nods, refusing to let her face heat at how he managed to make that question sound so damn dirty.

But that plan goes out the door when he murmurs, “It was kind of hot.”

I’m going to kill him.

She decides against homicide, but reaches out and slaps him as hard as she can. “I hate you!”

Palm to his red cheek, he looks down at her, the disbelief on his face almost comical. “You’re so unbelievably violent, Elain. You should know I find it really sexy.”

She growls in a manner she should probably be ashamed of, then shoves him as hard as she can. “Get out.”

Azriel just grabs her wrists and holds them above her head. “No.”

“Yes!”

He yanks her wrists, and they’re flush together, both breathing hard. “You are insane if you think I’m giving you up because of this stupid shit.”

“I am not stupid.”

“Never said you were, baby girl.” She grits her teeth, and he grins down at her. “Elain, there’s no other woman.”

Pulling on her wrists is fruitless, but she does it anyway. “Liar.”

“She’s my best friend!”

Rolling her eyes, she shoots back, “Oh, sure, Azriel. The best friend you have sex with and talk to at night and tell you love her. Sure. I just said I’m not stupid, so stop treating me like I am!”

“I’ve never had sex with her,” he says, lips twitching.

If her hands were free, she’d smack that little smile. “You’re lying! I literally heard you have sex with her!”

“You heard what I wanted you to hear. We were fully dressed the whole time.”

Her mouth drops open at how ridiculous he is. He’s seriously trying to get her to believe that? “You are such a piece of shit.”

He rolls his eyes. “I promise, Elain. She’s my best friend. I told her about you, and how jealous I was listening to you and Lucien fuck--if you can even call it that--and she wanted to help me out.”

“Oh, I’m sure she did,” she says hatefully, pulling again on her arms.

“I’ve never had sex with her. I won’t ever have sex with her. She’s gay, for fuck’s sake.”

Elain scoffs. “I saw the two of you kiss! No gay woman kisses a man like that, you disgusting-”

“Stop calling me an asshole. I promise you’ll regret it when you realize I’m innocent.”

“That will never happen, because you aren’t.”

Azriel sighs. “You’ll believe me eventually. And I did tell her I love her. Because I do. She’s my best friend.”

“That’s really sweet. Thanks so much for telling me that,” she says in a sugary sweet tone. His jaw tightens.

But he finally releases her hands and takes a step away. “I’m telling you the truth. What’s it going to take for you to believe me?”

“Just leave, Azriel. I can’t hear any more of this.” Her voice cracks, and she hates herself for having to fight back tears.

She’d felt so unbelievably embarrassed when she’d heard him talking to that woman. The laugh, the way he’d admitted to trying to trick her, the way he’d said I love you.

His eyes go soft, and it pulls at her chest to see that expression on him. He’s suddenly close to her, brushing a finger over her cheek. She should push him away, tell him to get out. But just for a second, she wants to stand here with him.

It feels--felt--so right with him, and it hurt to be that wrong about someone.

“You know,” he murmurs, voice soft and caring, “You wouldn’t be this upset if you didn’t love me.”

Elain sucks a breath in, and he grins.

“I don’t love you.”

Why does saying that make me want to cry?

“Back to lying, I see.” Azriel leans in and presses a quick kiss to her cheek. “That’s okay. I’ll prove everything to you. I’m not giving up. You’re worth fighting for, Elain.”

Then he tosses her forgotten phone on the counter and walks to the door. Turning back to her suddenly, he smiles and says, “Oh. And you look beautiful today.”

He’s gone before she can find something to throw at him.

Elain stands there and watches him walk to the tattoo shop. Her heart’s at war with her brain, and she walks back to her post behind the counter, finding his very expensive flowers lying there forgotten.

She knows she should forget everything he said. It was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard, anyway.

But he’d sounded so sincere. And he looked as awful as she feels.

She doesn’t know how he could ever do it, but she hopes he does what he said and proves he’s innocent.

You’re worth fighting for.

I hate him, she tells herself, even as she picks up his flowers and smiles.

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Part 6

@astreia-oniria @keshavomit @elrielllll @januarystears @zukos-simp @whimsyrhys @lameomclameo @wineywitch202 @thedarkdemigod @captainthefangirlofhp @elriel4life @queen-of-glass @courtofjurdan @nessiantho @texas-shaped-waffle-maker @stardelia @myshadowsingeraz @tswaney17 @illyriangarbage @nicerhero @fancycrowncat @sjmships @poisonous00 @perseusannabeth @cursebreaker29 @girl-who-reads-the-books @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @rowanisahunk @superspiritfestival @studyliketate @over300books @justgiu12 @maastrash @a-bit-of-a-cactus @aesthetics-11 @bamchickawowow @b00kworm @sleeping-and-books @musicmaam @savemesoon8 @hizqueen4life @maybekindasortaace

#elriel #elriel fanfiction #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #acotar fanfiction #azriel #illyrians #a court of mist and fury #a court of thorns and roses #a court of wings and ruin #a court of frost and starlight

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stupidtwinkmac · 6 years

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you asked for my full psychology notes so here they are

i rewatched the entire series and wrote down all the things i thought were relevant to the characters’ psychology, theres probably some stuff missing so message me if you think i should add anything

S1e1- “The Gang Gets Racist”

Dennis wants paddys to stay a gay bar bc he likes getting validation from gay boys

“They’re really more of a blue-green”

S1e3- “Underage Drinking: A National Concern”

Dennis talks about how popular he was in high school and cries a bit when mac and charlie tell him that tim murphy slept with his prom date which is like pretty normal but it foreshadows the high school reunion episode

Dee goes out with a high schooler just for the validation and to live out shit she couldn't do in high school

“Wait but ive never statutory raped anyone before”

Mac and charlie give high schoolers a keg bc they said that mac and charlie were cool

Mac gets jealous that everyone got asked to a high school prom except for him

S1e7- “Charlie Gets Molested”

Mac gets jealous that he didn't get molested

“If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?”

charlie got molested by his uncle

S2e4- “Mac Bangs Dennis’ Mom”

Dennis gets pissed that people's moms wont fuck him

“Is everyone getting laid but me?”

S2e7- “The Gang Exploits A Miracle”

Dennis starves himself for three days because Dee said his face looked fat

S3e1- “The Gang Finds A Dumpster Baby”

Dennis pretends to be a hippie just to fuck some guys girlfriend because he insulted his quaff and called him a narc

S3e2- “The Gang Gets Invincible”

Dee pretends to be a guy to try out for the eagles just to prove that she can

s3e5 - “The Aluminium Monster Vs. Fatty Magoo”

Dennis goes on a Whole Thing to prove that he’s a winner and that he hasn't peaked

“I haven't even begun to peak”, “make it work dennis… make it work”

S3e6- “The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation”

Dee does the talent show every year to validate herself

S3e11- “Dennis Looks Like A Registered Sex Offender”

Dennis obsesses over his jawline and his weight when people tell him he looks like wendell

Mac’s dad gets out of jail and we can see how neglectful his parents are

S4e3- “America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest”

Dennis desperately tries to prove that he’s still hot enough to be on the billboard

“I was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David”

“I realized that i don’t need validation anymore”- proves that he was just doing the billboard stuff bc of a bpd need for validation.

S4e4- “Mac’s Banging the Waitress”

Dennis gets unreasonably upset when he finds out that Charlie doesn't think he’s his best friend

Mac bangs the waitress to get back at Charlie for smashing his project badass tapes

S4e5- “Mac and Charlie Die Pt 1”

Dennis gets more upset that Mac and Charlie didn't include him in their suicide pact than he is about them being “dead”

S5e2- “The Gang Hits The Road”

Charlie doesn't want to go on the road trip because he’s never left philly before, he asks dennis to comfort him about his fears of bad things happening and people being assholes, he eventually freaks out and asks the hitchhiker to drop him back off at the bar

S5e10- “The D.E.N.N.I.S System”

Dennis believes that his manipulation actually makes girls fall in love with him

S6e2- “Dennis Gets Divorced”

Charlie gets real uncomfy when uncle jack tries to hug him

S6e5- “Mac and Charlie: White Trash”

Dennis tries desperately to prove that he’s high class

S6e6- “Mac’s Mom Burns Her House Down”

Charlie’s mom has OCD and Charlie also starts to pick it up

“Why are you doing everything in threes?” “Oh. So Charlie doesn't die.”

“...just playing it safe. She's been doing it. I'm still alive. Can't be crazy” “ It does feel good to do stuff in threes.”

S6e8- “The Gang Gets a New Member”

Dee gets incredibly insecure when she opens the time capsule and hasn't done what she wanted to do when she was a kid

Charlie gets super insecure when he thinks smitty is replacing him

S6e10- “Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats”

Charlie doesn't like leaving the bar and going out into the world

“Dee, I go to a movie or a spaghetti place with you, and out there, I'm the rat.”

Charlie has a panic attack in a sauna

“I'm trapped like a rat, aren't I?” “No, you're not, Charlie.” “ I'm a rat in here! I'm a rat! I'm trapped like a - I gotta get out of here.” “I'm tired of being in weird places, Frank, 'cause I'm trapped like a rat.” Just bash me like a rat! Bash me like a rat and get it over with!”

S6e11- “The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods”

Charlie has to be knocked out with a sack over his head to be able to go to Atlantic City

“This is why i don’t leave philly alright cause when you leave philly, bad shit happens”

Mac starves himself for chase utley

“If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die at any time very quickly by the side of the road”

S6e12- “Dee Gives Birth”

Dennis yells at a nurse about Dee’s stories like he’s a god

“I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!”

Dee berates guys until they have sex with her

S7e1- “Frank’s Pretty Woman”

Mac gains a ton of weight and calls it packing on mass

“I went from tiny twink to the muscle bound freak you see before you”

Dennis admits to starving himself and literally constantly working out

“I may look relaxed but im incredibly tense at all times”

S7e2- “The Gang Goes to the Jersey Shore”

Mac knocks carlie out with chloroform to get him to the jersey shore

S7e6- “The Storm of the Century”

Dennis writes a contract for the girls he plans to invite to his rape bunker

S7e7- “Chardee Macdennis: The Game of Games

Mac says that Dee tried to kill herself

S7e10- “How Mac Got Fat”

Charlie gets overwhelmed and goes in the crevice

Mac blames everyone else for making him fat

Dennis does dumb shit because he’s self conscious about getting old and looking bad

“I was just trying to live up to all of your expectations of me” “what expectations?” “physical perfection”

The entire chemical peel scene is a good representation of his mental disorders

S7e12- “The High School Reunion”

Dee tries to be friends with the popular people from school to validate herself

Mac got bullied and dealt drugs in high school

Charlie got bullied in school and huffed glue in the bathroom

“Everyone wants dirtgrub i'll give them dirtgrub okay i'll get high i'll get sad people can laugh at me i hate highschool man”

S7e13- “The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang’s Revenge”

The entire golden god meltdown

“Its fetish shit i like to bind i like to be bound”

“You would just come around saying shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap and referring to all of us as your minions” “You always acted like you were better than everyone else but then you would just go and hang out with ronnie the rat or dirtgrub under the bleachers”

S8e5- “The Gang Gets Analyzed”

Dennis tries to analyze the therapist

Mac has some real severe mood swings

The therapist talks to him about body dysmorphia

Dennis giving mac “size pills”

Dennis keeps psychology profiles on everyone in the gang, he started dee’s in the 2nd grade

Dee’s entire “tell me i’m good” scene

S8e6- “Charlie’s Mom Has Cancer”

Dennis having trouble feeling throughout the entire episode until the “my mommy’s a skeleton” “i feel to much” scene

Charlie being incredibly overwhelmed the entire episode, (rubbing his head at Dr. Jinx’s, Getting real upset at church)

S8e7- “Frank’s Back in Business”

Dennis pretending to be brian lefevre

“I want you to get off with me” “This is about crawling into another man’s skin”

S8e8- “Charlie Rules the World”

The entire “I Am God” sensory deprivation tank scene

Dennis blowing himself could also be symbolic but it could also just be a bit

S9e3- “The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award”

Mac getting really defensive about slight banter “i've had tons of orgasms i've had one with your mom”

S9e5- “Mac Day”

Mac is not okay with being upstaged by country mac when he jumps off the bridge and offers people weed

“there's nothing badass about breaking the law”

S9e6- “The Gang Saves the Day”

Macs fantasy is about everyone admiring his badass karate skills and dennis crying over his dead body saying that he loves him

Dee’s fantasy is about killing every man in the room and finally being appreciated for her acting skills and marrying someone who doesn't call her a bird

Dennis’ fantasy is about surviving a bullet to the head at point blank range and killing his idea of the perfect woman

S9e7- “The Gang Gets Quarantined”

Charlie’s mom got him vaccinated way too often and made him wear bubble boy suits during flu season, Charlie also still has the suits for some reason

“I am in perfect control of my body, if i felt myself getting sick i would simply say SICKNESS BE GONE”

*sustains a perfect G5* “does that sound like a man who needs to be in the hospital”

S10e2- “The Gang Group Dates”

Dennis obsesses over his star rating on a dating app

“I AM A FIVE STAR MAN”

Dee has one night stands with a whole lot of guys that she’s not really into just to give them one star ratings

S10e3- “Psycho Pete Returns”

Dennis does a whole psychopath monologue about skin luggage

“You haven't thought of the smell you bitch”

He gets diagnosed with BPD and gets medication

S10e6- “The Gang Misses the Boat”

Dennis’ whole range rover speech

S10e8- “The Gang Goes On Family Fight”

Dennis breaks down crying because of the buzzer

Dee starves herself to look good for the camera

S10e10- “Ass Kickers United; Mac and Charlie Join a Cult”

Dennis tries to prove that he’s the best at manipulating people

S11e3- “The Gang Hits the Slopes”

Charlie brings up his agoraphobia shit again

“See, this is why I don't like leaving Philly, man. This is nuts.”

S11e4- “Dee Made a Smut Film”

Dennis got raped by a librarian in high school when he was 14

“I was in an older woman that’s cool right?”

S11e9- “The Gang Goes to Hell”

Dee manipulates guys into having sex with her

“So ill insinuate that it would be a shame if my account of what happened was different from his and he got a call from the sheriff”

S11e10- “The Gang Goes to Hell: Part Two”

Charlie has a panic attack about the boat sinking and dennis calms him down

“I knew I shouldn't have come on this cruise. I knew it! I mean, it used to be I would never even leave Philly! And then, you know, you guys drag me to this, you drag me to that, and next thing I know, I-I'm stuck in a box on a sinking ship!”

Dennis keeps onions in his pocket so that he can cry when he needs to

S12e3- “Old Lady House: A Situation Comedy”

Bonnie doing everything in threes so that charlie doesn't die

“I just can't enjoy it when the people being filmed, know they're being filmed”

S12e7- “PTSDee”

Charlie and dennis bonding over their trauma

Dee tries to ruin a guys life bc he said she was his rock bottom

S12e8- “The Gang Tends Bar”

“I have big feelings, and it hurts”

#iasip #It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia #its always sunny #iasip charlie #iasip dennis #iasip mac #mac mcdonald #dennis reynolds #charlie kelly #frank reynolds #Danny Devito #charlie day #Rob McElhenney #kaitlin olsen #dee reynolds #glenn howerton #psychology #nobody cares mia

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goron-king-darunia · 7 years

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Sneak Peak of a Fic.

I’m writing a little fic for @hannikka so here’s a little preview of all my hard work. Hopefully it’s easy enough to understand because Richter is drunk as hell so I wrote him slurring his speech a bit. *~*~*~*~* “The day is finally here, Richter. The very last day. Tomorrow you can go free. Everything’s set up at the news network, so the weatherman position is yours if you want it. The renters have cleared out, so you can stay at my old home in Luin if you want to. I’ve got a lunch all packed for you to take with you tomorrow. And I’ve got everything we need to have a great farewell celebration tonight!” Richter smiled sadly. “You’ve done so much for me, Emil. Thank you. Really and truly. Thank you so much for doing all this for me.” “You’re my friend. My best friend, even! Of course I’d do anything for you!” Emil pat Richter on the shoulders. “So, how do you want to spend your last day? We can do whatever you want! I borrowed all your favorite books from the library, I rented some movies, got you a bottle of rum if you want to get totally wrecked. I’ve got cards, board games, I even rented a console and some video games if you want to play! I’ve got all your favorite snacks lined up. I’ll make whatever you want for dinner. I’ve got cake and tea and sparkling cider, a cozy nook to snuggle up in to do whatever we want. The day is yours.”

“Alright.” Richter nodded, finishing off the breakfast in bed that Emil had graced him with this morning. “Then answer this for me. How early in the day should I get totally wasted so we can play drunken board games?”

“Well, if you start drinking now you can be puking by noon, so… Whatever you want. Pace yourself and you can keep the buzz all day.” Emil teased. “Or, if you’re really that sick of being here, you can chug the whole damn bottle and die of liver failure.” “Don’t tempt me.” Richter teased right back. “Fuck over Ratatosk on the very last day and just ascend to another plane of existence.” “Alright, so what board game do you want to get wasted for this time?” “You remember that card one?”

“Machi Koro?” “No, no, the other one. The one we played with the centurions.” “Oh, you mean Cards Against Humanity?” “Yeah.” “Oh, holy hell, that’s going to be fun drunk.” “My thoughts exactly.” *~*~*~*~* 30 minutes in, and a shot for every loss, Richter was starting to see double and Pontus, that tiny little Polwiggle, was winning. “That little shquirt can’t even hold hish cardsh and he’sh kicking everyone’sh asshesh.” Richter slurred. He was losing badly. Aqua and Tenebrae were tied for third, Emil was a strong second, and Enki and Sedona had a few cards each. “If you ashked one thoushand yearsh ago if I thought I would end up at the door to hell, playing cardsh with monshtersh and Shummon Shpiritsh I would have laughed in your fache.” Richter let out a hoarse belch and Emil suggested he lay off the booze for a while. “It’s a game, Richter, not a suicide attempt. You can be exempt from losing shots for a while. Come to think of it, I think we’ve all had quite enough. Let’s just play normally.” “If you shay sho.” Richter took his last shot for losing the previous round, hiccuping a bit at the way the liquor burned. “Alright, get some food on top of that, Richter. Have a cracker or something. You’ve had, like, way too many for that to be healthy. Get some water in you too.” Richter complied, stuffing his face with a few pretzels and taking a long draught of water. “Whoshe turn ish it?”

“You’re card czar this round, Richter.“ “Right. Right…” Richter drew a black card, squinting at it and reading it aloud. “Daddy, why ish mommy crying?” Richter closed his eyes while he waited for the players to put in their cards. “M’kay. Why ish mommy crying?” Richter laughed at every response.

From Tenebrae - “Being fat and stupid.” From Aqua - “My collection of high-tech sex toys.” From Enki - “Your weird brother” From Sedona - “Wifely duties” From Pontus - “Crumbs all over the god damn carpet.” From Emil - “German dungeon porn.”

“I’m shorry. Theshe are all great, but I have to go with ‘German dungeon porn.’ It jusht shpeaksh to me.” “YES!” Emil cheered, taking the black card from Richter and adding it to his pile. “I knew that’d tickle you!” “To be fair, you had shome fierche competition. I almosht went with ‘Wifely dutiesh.’ ‘Crumbsh all over the dog gam carpet’ wash pretty good, too.” “Pffft! ‘Dog Gam.’ Richter, you’re too drunk.” “Prob’ly.” Richter hiccupped hoarsely, counting his white cards to make sure he hadn’t forgotten to draw last time. “M’kay. Ish your turn, Emil.” “Right.” Emil drew a black card. “War! What is it good for?” Richter was audibly laughing at his own addition when he put his in with the lot. Tenebrae - “Drinking Alone” Aqua - “A tribe of warrior women” Sedona - “Friendly fire” Pontus - “Bees?” Enki - “Cards Against Humanity” Richter - A completely blank card

Emil was confused by a certain submission. “Okay, I think I may need to close my eyes again. Someone forgot to fill in their free card.” Emil closed his eyes for a few moments but heard no shuffling or scribbling. “Is… is that intentional? Is the card supposed to be blank? Knock twice if the card is supposed to be blank.” Emil heard two knocks. “Well, I don’t get it, but okay…”Richter was gritting his teeth when Emil opened his eyes. It was the funniest thing he had ever done in his life, and the boy didn’t get it. “Alright. I guess I have to go with ‘a tribe of warrior women.” “YES! In your face, Tenebutt!” Aqua blew a raspberry at the other centurion, taking the black card and drawing a new white card. “Damn. Washted a perfectly good card.” Richter grumbled, drawing a replacement white card. “What did you put in?” “The blank one.” “I wondered about that. What was it supposed to mean?” “It’sh a shong.” Richter began to quietly sing. “War, huh, yeah. Wha-at ish it good for? Absholutely nothing.” The rest was mostly humming because Richter couldn’t remember the words. “Oh nooooo.” Emil hid his face. “I didn’t get it! I had no idea that was a song! That’s really funny! Can I retroactively give the point to Richter?” “Nooooo!” Aqua whined. “I need this point to beat Tenebrae! Don’t take away my point! I may never catch up to you and Pontus so third place is all I have!” “It’sh alright, Emil. I *hic* I should have picked something better. It’sh fine. Let Aqua have a point. I’m loshing anyway.” “No, you deserve a point! Here!” Emil handed over the black card he had won the previous round. “You deserve a point. Take one of mine.”

“But you’re loshing to a tadpole.” “I don’t mind! Just take it!” “Fine… fine… Thank you.” Richter reluctantly accepted the card. “Pontus is next.” Aqua announced, selecting a card and reading it aloud because Pontus, being a monster, couldn’t speak well. “Why am I sticky?” “Ish thish a general ‘I’ or Pontush shpechifically?” Pontus burbled. Aqua translated for him. “Pontus says whichever. Surprise him.” Richter - “Three dicks at the same time” Emil - “My genitals.” Aqua - “Edible underpants” Tenebrae - “This year’s mass shooting” Enki - “Sniffing glue” Sedona - “A bucket of fish heads”

Pontus burbled a bit before Aqua announced the winner for him. “Edible underpants is too specific, this year’s mass shooting is just fucking wrong, and three dicks at once is trying too hard, so the winner is ‘My genitals.’” “HAHA! Just two more and I’ll be in first place! Thanks Pontus.” Emil took the black card. “Pontus says ‘Fuck.’” Aqua laughed. “My turn. ‘What ended my last relationship?’” “Do you want us to speak from experience?” Tenebrae asked snidely. “Shut up!” Aqua snapped back. “If I had ‘German dungeon porn’ again, this would be a good place for it.” Emil laughed. “Literally every round hash been a good plache for ‘German dungeon porn.’” Richter laughed. Everyone handed in their cards. Sedona - “Copping a feel” Enki - “A really cool hat” Pontus - “Police brutality” Tenebrae - “Rape flavoring.” A custom card from someone who previously owned the game. Richter - “A sausage festival.” Emil - “My inner demons.” “Ooh, these are pretty great! ‘Rape flavoring’ hits a little close to home here, so I think I’m going to have to go with ‘a sausage festival!’” “Finally!” Richter cheered. “I’m beating Shedona at lasht!”

“Yay! I’m really glad I picked yours! That was great!” “You just picked it because it was an innuendo.” Tenebrae scoffed.

“Maybe, but it was still pretty funny! Even Emil laughed!” “It was pretty great, Richter. You earned it.” “Thanksh.” “No revenge for you yet, Sedona. It’s your turn.” “Mhm.” Sedona, being one of the more humanoid monsters, could speak fairly well, though it did sound like she was talking under water. “What are my parents hiding from me?” Richter - “Racism” Emil - “An oversized lollipop” Pontus - “Sexual tension” Tenebrae - “The gays” Aqua - “Cybernetic enhancements” Enki - “An M. Night Shyamalan plot twist” “Sexual tension is great, and an oversized lollipop is adorably innocent, but I have to go with ‘the gays.’ I imagine that happens a lot.” “Haha!” Tenebrae laughed triumphantly as he snatched the black card with the hand on his tail. “Another point for me. The stalemate resumes.” “NOOOOO!” Aqua threw her hand down, scattering her cards. “It’s not fair! I had terrible cards!” “Boo hoo. That’s part of the game. You’re allowed to spend some of your points to exchange them, you know.” “But I don’t want to spend my points! I don’t have any points to spare!” “Stop being a sore loser.” “Stuff it, you grumpy old man. You cheated to even get this far, you’re not nearly as funny as Master Richter!” “My points say otherwise.” Tenebrae showed off the black cards he’d won. “Not my fault the half-elf can’t hold his liquor.” “Technically, thish game ish very unfair to me becaushe I am the only one here that can eashily get drunk. You guysh are immortal shpiritsh and the monshtersh don’t drink…” “He’s got a point.” Emil giggled. “I can get tipsy but I didn’t lose nearly enough to take quite as many shots as you, Richter.” “Shpeaking of, got any more shnacksh?” Richter held up an empty bowl. “Gonna need more shtuff to shoak up all thish liquor.” “Coming right up.” Emil went to grab a bag of potato chips. “Try to share with the group, though. I want to have more than one chip before you eat the lot.” “Sure, sure…” Richter nodded.

“Now, onto my turn. I have quite the refined sense of humor so use your best cards please.” Tenebrae chortled. “Says the centurion who couldn’t even get any of his servants to join.” “Excuse me, unlike your lazy minions, my monsters are out doing their jobs and balancing the flow of mana.” “My precious monsters are just so good at their jobs that they can afford to take some time off instead of spending every waking moment working and trying to avoid me.” “I’m not picking your card.” “You won’t be able to tell which is mine, dope.” “We’ll see.” Tenebrae drew a card. “ _____. That’s how I want to die.” Richter - (with the intent of gambling a point, Richter put in two cards. Losing would mean losing a point, but winning would mean keeping the point and earning a new one and he only needed one more to pass Enki.) “Spontaneous human combustion” and “not wearing pants” Aqua - “Flesh eating bacteria”(definitely intended as a passive aggressive wish toward Tenebrae.) Pontus - “A Bop It™” Emil - “Poor life choices” Enki - “Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.” Sedona - “Laying an egg” “Somebody’s taking a risk this round. Are you that intent on beating me, Aqua?” “Not my bet. But I will laugh my tail off if you pick my card after all that blather.” “Fine.” Tenebrae harrumphed. “Poor life choices is definitely entertaining, but nothing quite does it for me like spontaneous human combustion.” “YESH! The bet paid off!” Richter took the card he’d won. “For Martel’s sake, Richter!” Emil gasped. “That was morbid!” “Couldn’t help it. If I can’t laugh about pasht experienchesh, what good is my life?” “You’re terrible. What was your other card? If you say flesh eating bacteria, I will punch you.” “Nah, nah, my other card wash ‘not wearing pantsh.’” “Oh thank god. You’ve got a decent sense of humor then. I would have picked that one.” “Thanksh.” “Alright. Last card of the last round.” Tenebrae announced. “You and I can break this little tie or Emil could tie it up with Pontus.” “I just hope anybody but you gets the point Teneboob.” “Same to you, wet blanket.” Tenebrae read the card for Enki. “What’s the most emo?” Emil - “A mopey zoo lion” and “flightless birds” Tenebrae - “Half-elves who aren’t good at math.” Pontus - “Alcoholism” and “Kids with ass cancer.” Aqua - “The Great Depression” Sedona - “Poorly-timed Blood Purge jokes” Richter - “A sad fat dragon with no friends.”

“Going all out, I see. Some of you really came to win.” Enki took a few moments of consideration before finally selecting “Half-elves who aren’t good at math.” “Haha! I have won!” Tenebrae cheered. “No! Enki! How could you betray me like this?!” Aqua sobbed. “Don’t blame Enki. It’s just that I’m obviously funnier!” “You got lucky! My cards were junk.” “Don’t blame your cards. You just couldn’t use them effectively.” “I hope I never have to play this with you again.” Aqua took a shot, scowling at the other centurion. “Do you even get tipshy?” Richter asked. “A little. We can get buzzed but we usually don’t. We absorb mana naturally so it’s kind of pointless for us to eat or drink. We can do it for pleasure, but there’s no real desire or urge for it. Unless you’re like me and want anything to smother the rage you feel.” “I shee.” Richter smirked. “What’sh the final shcore?” “Pontus beat me with 12. I could have tied if I hadn’t gambled, but instead I’m stuck in second with 11. Tenebrae managed third place with 9, Aqua has fourth with 6 points. You managed fifth place with 5 points. Enki has 4 and Sedona got 3.” “I shtill can’t believe you losht to a tadpole.” Richter chuckled. “I can’t believe Pontus lost his streak! He was doing so well!” Pontus burbled for a moment and Aqua translated. “He thinks you guys probably just got used to his type of humor and started picking more surprising options. Plus, he said his last few cards were pretty bad.” “Well, you cant win them all.” Richter hiccuped. “I’m jusht happy I managed to get myself out of a loshing shtreak. Maybe I’m funnier drunk?” “You were pretty damn funny sober!” Emil laughed. “At least, to me you were.”

#original #writing #my writing #hannikka

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thecritiquinghyrulian-blog · 7 years

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Living Legend – A Rundown Ranking Of Britney’s Lead Singles

One of my favorite artists ever is Britney Spears. I have vivid memories of little me rocking the fuck out to “I’m a Slave 4 U” and “Dear Diary”. While not being the best singer in the world, Spears has made a name for herself by being one of, if not the best, entertainers of her generation. As such, to honor my pop princess, I decided to make a list ranking all her lead singles from her 9 studio albums. Read on to find out which song came out on top.

9. “Me Against The Music” from In The Zone

The real tragedy with MATM is that it actually finds itself in a really amazing Britney album. You just wouldn’t know it from this lead single. Fans were crazy over the realization the pop princess would be working on a song with Madonna (apparently something they had been asking for since their infamous VMAs performance). What we ultimately get is a boring and forgettable pop song. Luckily for Spears herself and In The Zone, the singles that would follow would turn out to be so much better and would lead to her winning her first (and only Grammy).

Hot 100 peak: 35

https://youtu.be/clwLKJ294u4

8. “Work Bitch” from Britney Jean

“Work Bitch: on its own is actually a half way decent work out track. It consistently finds its way onto many of my running playlists and it’s a song that I love singing along to. However, as a Britney Spears song, it’s absolutely horrible. Spears’ team, fully recognizing that a majority of her fan base are gay men, decided to exploit this demographic and put out a song that they believed we would snatch up. Well we did snatch up at first, but then quickly moved on to better things. The lesson to be learned here by Spears is that she does not need will.i.am. to be successful. See: “Big Fat Bass” and all of Britney Jean.

Hot 100 peak: 12

https://youtu.be/pt8VYOfr8To

7. “Make Me…” from Glory

First things first, let me just say how happy I am to actually hear Britney’s voice in this song! As we all know, Britney’s vocals have taken a major turn south and she had been known to having her voice heavily altered (look at “Work Bitch”, “Scream and Shout” or “3” as an example). So the fact that Britney can actually be heard and sounding (dare I say it) HAPPY, is a blessing onto us all. While not the biggest commercial success of her career, it did do well enough to put faith back into the hearts of her loyal fans. Just like Mariah will never have another #1, Britney too wont ever reach the same level of success on the charts… and that’s fine! She no longer needs to prove herself to anyone. Now, can we please get a version without G-Eazy?!

Hot 100 peak: 17

https://youtu.be/etfJCm0nfr4

6. “Oops!… I Did It Again” from Oops!... I Did It Again

An argument can be made for this as being one of her most iconic songs. Instantly recognizable and instantly memorable, this song shattered any sophomore slump worries after her runaway success. In terms of lasting cultural impact, Oops could definitely rank higher. However, when looking at it in terms of actual song quality, not so much. This is a perfectly ok pop song that ultimately doesn’t do much to reach pop greatness. And also, can we talk about why the random break in the middle of the song for the awkward Titanic dialogue? 17 years later and it’s still awkward and still unnecessary.

Hot 100 peak: 9

https://youtu.be/CduA0TULnow

5. “Hold It Against Me” from Femme Fatale

I clearly remember eagerly waiting for this song to drop. I was sitting in Ackerman when it finally did release and I was able to hear it for the first time. I cried. It was everything I wanted at the time and so much more. My queen was back with a vengeance. HIAM was a huge commercial success for Spears and it ushered in another era of dominance for her. What this song got so right is that it nailed just what it was that made Spears so successful. It was meant to be enjoyed while drunk, with drink in hand, dancing the night away at the clubs. Let’s also not forget that dubstep break towards the end of the song. Some called it the end of dubstep, but Spears brought it to mainstream consumption and the people ate it up.

Hot 100 peak: 1 (Britney’s fourth and last number 1)

https://youtu.be/-Edv8Onsrgg

4. “I’m A Slave 4 U” from Britney

I was cleaning out some boxes I had tucked under my bed a while back, and inside I found some old journals I had written for class assignments during elementary school. They were innocent little things that my teachers had me right about to one day fondly look back and reminisce about my childhood. In one of the pages, I was tasked with writing about myself and in it I draw a picture of myself rocking out to this song! I have no shame about this because if anything, it lets me know that I have not changed one bit. I have and always will be a Britney fan. Now, onto the song itself, Slave 4 U is a sexy declaration from Spears. The first to really break away from her girl next-door image and one that would establish her formula to success in her later years. Let’s also not ignore her amazing VMA performance. This was the best she ever looked (though now she is looking super fit and super healthy too).

Hot 100 peak: 27

https://youtu.be/Mzybwwf2HoQ

3. “Womanizer” from Circus

Womanizer was (and still is) Spears’ greatest comeback song. After a rocky 2007 that has been talked about and documented to death, this is what she came out with and it did not disappoint. This was a big fuck you to all the naysayers and to all the people that every doubted her. A huge commercial success for Spears, this was only her second song to ever reach the top of the Hot 100. Not to mention that this too remains her top selling song. What Womanizer does so right is that it clearly brings Spears back to the pop spotlight. The lyrics, the beat, the tempo and especially the music video all come together in one of Spears greatest feats as a music artist.

Hot 100 peak: 1 (Spears second of 4 chart toppers)

https://youtu.be/rMqayQ-U74s

2. “Gimme More” from Blackout

“It’s Britney, Bitch”! This, to this day, remains her greatest music lyric ever. A declaration of epic proportions and that literally broke the backs of gay men everywhere. It really is Britney, and she could do whatever she wants. The song is a slick, sexy, seductive, synthastic orgasm to the ear. While Spears has made songs about sex before, none have been as effective as this one. What makes this song even more culturally relevant is the fact that it was released during her 2007 meltdown. Let’s also add in a sprinkle of her 2007 VMAs performance and this song instantly becomes unforgettable. For those that dismissed Spears during this time and didn’t listen to “Gimme More” or didn’t even give Blackout a chance, the joke is on you. Having to deal with personally turmoil and distress resulted in Spears’ greatest work to date.

Hot 100 peak: 3

https://youtu.be/elueA2rofoo

1. “…Baby One More Time” from …Baby One More Time

Britney would not be where she is now if it were not for the success of this song. This success is well deserved too. What we have here is a combination of all things coming together to make something bigger than the sum of its parts. BOMT is a staple at any successful drunk karaoke night. I remember one of my first karaoke outings in LA, I was so nervous to go up on stage for the first time. I looked and looked at the massive book and could not decide on what song to humiliate myself with. I ultimately gravitated towards the Britney section and chose to do this song. It did not let me down. As soon as the song started, the entire bar got up and joined me on stage to sing along. I felt right at home. I felt like that 11 year old boy singing in his room to his favorite pop singer. It is also with good reason that on TRL’s final episode, they named this as the greatest music video ever.

Hot 100 peak: 1 (Britney’s first chart topper)

https://youtu.be/C-u5WLJ9Yk4

#britney spears #baby one more time #oops i did it again #britney #in the zone #blackout #circus #britney jean #femme fatale #glory

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