#I am going to shitpost my way through this horror of a book as a means of survival
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Peter Keating when Mama Keating implies Schlenker is going to get the job with Francon if he goes to Beaux-Arts:
#The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand#Peter Keating#Mrs. Keating#Guy Francon#I am going to shitpost my way through this horror of a book as a means of survival#Keating is a drama gay and I will not be taking questions#You don't want my advice anyway
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Queued
This is a fictional story, I apologize because I didn't realize how the first paragraphs sounded without context. I am perfectly fine. Please reblog this version and enjoy!
Let me preface this by clarifying a thing. If you're reading this, I'm already dead. I'll queue this for tomorrow morning, and if nothing happens I'll take this down. If you're seeing this on your dash, it means I'm gone. If I can return... Idk, maybe I'll write a more detailed post with the answers to all of this, maybe y'all could just carry on like nothing happened. Maybe this post will not exist anymore and there is no need to tell you what I would do.
That being said, if I will have to say goodbye, the least I could do is doing it with style.
My name is Norman. All of you will already know me by my url, or maybe the pfp. "Look, it's trans Charizard again. What will he have to say this time". Mostly shitpost, alright? I didn't log in expecting to become a great artist. Sometimes, however, I liked to cut out a little scrap from my life and show it to you.
I started when my new life started. When I finally managed to get away from the horrible claws of my family and I settled in this little apartment. It was a small place, tucked away between the trees, where birds were more loud than traffic.
All things considered, it has been nice to get it without having to pluck out my eye to pay rent. It was crammed, yes, but at the time I didn't even have a bed. It was enough.
So, as my loyal followers may already know, life here was... peculiar.
It wasn't anything outright weird, more like little unsettling details, details on which the eye glided until they got caught, and once the eye caught them it couldn't let them go.
Typing them on here, in hindsight, makes me feel dumb, like if I was some horror movie dipshit that wouldn't move out of a clearly haunted house, trapped in his certainty that "GhOsTs ArEn'T rEaL" despite the furniture floating past him.
In my defense, my furniture didn't float. At least, I never saw it doing so.
There have been misplaced objects, though. A glass that got knocked over, a book I was sure I had put a bookmark in, my Waddles (yes, the Gravity Falls pig. Sue me) plushie popping up from the strangest places, like when I found it in the pantry, behind the pasta.
It was the least tbh.
Misplaced objects... they could be attributed to my ADHD. I came to terms with the fact that my things never seemed to stay where I put them when I was, like, six. After a while it sort of became a bit, in our family. So it wasn't exactly news. Even if Waddles in the pantry was a bit too much even for me. But hey, everyone lost track of their stuff sometimes, if they weren’t paying attention.
And, as I said before, it was the least. I mean, you saw my posts. At first I joked a bit about these teleportations, along the lines of "haha, look, my plushie loves pasta sooo much!". But, like, everyone who owns a cat knows that teleport is not impossible. "Yeah yeah, things that change places when they shouldn't, we've all seen it". Issues started coming after a few weeks.
At first, it was the golden leaves. I already said that my house was in the middle of the woods, right?
Well, it was around last April when they started making their appearance. I challenge everybody, everybody, to see a threat in a shiny, little golden leaf placed on the window sill.
They were really cool, by the way. Not even a little bit scary. Annoying, for sure. But not scary.
They made me curse every ancient god that watched over this Earth, though. I wouldn't get surprised if Cthulhu came knocking at my door asking why I was calling for them. For it was enough to leave the door a tiny tiny bit ajar for a freaking MOUNTAIN of leaves to make their entrance.
They defied physics. How the hell a metric fuck you of leaves could have come inside through an opening of an inch (measured) in less than half a minute is beyond me. But at least, broom and patience, and I swatted them away.
Now, I admit that maybe it was my fault, because if a normal person gets ATTACKED by leaves their first reaction is to find the tree those leaves come from.
It never crossed my mind, I swear. Not even when they started exploding.
Okay, maybe exploding is a bit of an overstatement. It's not like they went KABOOM and set things on fire.
It was just that as soon as I grazed them, even by blowing on them, puf! They turned into a little cloud of golden dust. And that mother-effing dust stuck! It didn't go away! Soon all my belongings were golden-leaf-dust-coated. I had a glittering house.
And if your first reaction is "Norman, normal leaves don't act that way" well, whoever you are, you may be an amateur botanist, but I know jack shit about trees. I wasn't gonna bother my landlord for a couple of leaves. It was my very first place of my own, I wasn't gonna act like a whiny baby. I think it would have solved a lot of problems, though.
Because then, around the middle of this January, it was the stains' turn. The streaks, the markings.
They started appearing in little spots, like little droplets of something. I didn't thought much of them, it was an old house in the middle of the woods, of course there would have been dirt here and there.
I found the first concerning one on the couch. It was a big, rough brown stain vaguely resembling a heart. Not a "❤" sort of heart, an anatomically correct heart with atriums and all. It had even the veins on it. It was a bit disturbing, I admit it. Maybe, a flying chair would have been a less noticeable warning.
However, it probably was just a Rorschach-like effect. Y'know, the test with the stains. It was just a puddle, but I thought it looked a bit like a heart and therefore was an anatomically-correct-heart-shaped puddle.
It was not the only rough brown stain I found. They didn't really bothered me, because, unlike that goddamned dust, they went away on their own. I had to clean off only the most visible ones. They just. Appeared. On the windows, the ceiling, at the bottom of the walls and on the floor, in the kitchen, on the mirrors, on my blankets, my clothes, even on the back of my binder. I felt a bit sorry when those disappeared, because they resembled two little bat wings.
If you followed me at the time, I'm sure you remember those pictures. How could you not? Some of them went viral, my notifications never recovered. I think that the rose on my bedsheets got reblogged by a heritage posts blog, like the "is this dress blue and black or white and gold?" meme.
By this point you are probably thinking "But Norman, at this point you must have noticed that something was wrong. Dirt doesn't appear and disappear, and it doesn't come in elaborate shapes." And you're right. I noticed that it was not right. I may be a skeptic, but until a certain point. But I'm not a moron. Except I was. Because it was just dirt. Dirt that came in beautiful patterns and went away on its own and it didn't bother me. So I pretended that everything was fine, it was normal, nothing was going on.
I am really, really a moron.
Because what happened next made me realize it was not dirt.
It was blood.
I... don't think I've ever posted the handprints on here. The heart, the rose, those little spots that looked like a constellation were all meant to get a laugh out of who saw them. Somebody even accused me of creating them myself, which, dear rando, thank you. It wasn't me. I can’t draw shit.
Handprints smeared on my kitchen were NOT, I repeat, NOT my doing. Why the fuck should I do such a thing? They were creepy as fuck, and I immediately got a hold of soap and sponge. The point is, they reappeared every time. I cleaned the glass panel, and the next morning I found two, if not more, different handprints.
Once there was one that had nothing better to do than flipping me off.
Very funny.
At a certain point I just gave up. The patterns always went away by themselves, I could suck it up and endure a "fuck you" by a stain on my window for a while.
Wrong. The second evening after my last attempt, at the start of September, they chose to up their game. Under my eyes, the substance they were made of slowly became dark crimson and wet and started dripping. I yelled and fell backwards, crashing over the table.
Quivering, I slowly crawled away from the window. I felt something wet on my fingertips, I must have hit my elbow in the fall. Instead of any kind of pain, it was disgust that clawed at my stomach. As I watched the trickle of blood on my forearm the memory of all the shapes came to mind and realization hit.
I've slept between those blankets, dammit!
I reached the sink and said goodbye to my breakfast. When my head stopped spinning, I grabbed soap and a rag and, in record time, cleaned off that nightmare from my glass.
Too bad that the nightmare just started.
This was the only place I had. I couldn't pack and just go. I should've done it, but I couldn't.
However, it was now time to bother my landlord. The sweet old lady that I talked to over the phone assured me she would come as soon as she could.
As soon as she could was a week later. That week was a nightmare. I tried to stay away from the house as long as I could. But I always had to sleep somewhere. And those nights... I don't want to talk about those nights. I was curled under my blankets, trembling and sobbing. Apparently, the 'dirt' stains now always came in liquid form. And I always woke up covered in golden glitter and red trickles, despite having a sheet all over me. Use your imagination.
When I finally greeted the sweet granny, I was in tatters. And glittering. As I said, the dried blood went away, the dust stuck.
For her, a single glance around was enough. She pursed her lips, and nodded solemnly. And told me that to solve this I had to leave something sweet as an offering, in the woods. Something like a cake, bread, cream, sugar, milk and honey.
Milk. And honey.
Are you FUCKING kidding me.
Apparently not, she was not kidding me. She looked extremely serious. And so I though, why not give it a shot? And after she left me I took a bowl, I filled it with milk and honey, and walked until I could find a good spot between the trees, where I left it.
The next morning I woke up unscathered. And when I went checking, the bowl was just shiny clean. Not even a drop.
So, a bowl of milk and honey in exchange for a night of peaceful sleep. And a clean house.
Poor fool that I was, I thought it could work.
This was three weeks ago. And, of those three weeks, just the first few days the milk worked. Because then, They wanted more.
Milk and honey, but with a spoonful of sugar. Slices of white, soft bread with butter and sugar. Mugs of coffee creamer and honey. Little cakes, like tarties and plumcakes. Sweets. Peppermints and toffee. And so forth.
Always more, always more.
And if the quota wasn't met, the blood returned. And the dust. And the misplaced stuff. And, between the trunks and branches, I could see lights dancing and hear soft laughter and singing, asking for more. More, more. More.
They just don't want to leave me alone. I can’t keep on living like this. I made my decision. I typed on here all of this story. So, now you all know. I have a kitchen knife shining next to me. Must sound more gutsy that it really is, but tonight I'm gonna march in the woods and make Them leave me alone.
It sounds so brave. But I'm not. I'm crying and shaking. My fingers can't stay still. There are tears on my laptop. I'm gonna die.
But anger is stronger. I-I will try to make Them stop. To make Them let me live my life. If it won't work, at the top of this story I left all you need to know. If things work out... I dunno. An update, maybe? A whole different story, maybe.
But now the story queued is this.
So, thank you, to all of my mutuals, for the time spent on this blue hell. I love all of you.
Goodbye
Norman
#if you saw the unfinished thing i posted by accident and left it there cuz i didn't notice haha no you didn't#i've spent a lot of time writing this; so i truly hope it will be good#and i hope there won't be any typos; i triple checked#there will be; i just know#but this story... i am kinda proud of how it turned out; ya know?#and; just as an experiment; i want to try to get out of my shell and tag it properly. just to see what happens.#my writing#please tell me what you think; because i had this in the making for a very long time#if you read until here; thank you; so much#bye :)#my little scrapbook collection#fey
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🍒 + omniterror
send me 🍒 + a url and i will write some positivity for them.
@omniterror
(( ay YOOOOOOOOOO, toki just up in here dropping all the urls like it's going out of fashion. i admire that degree of kindness so much it makes my heart feel all warm (cause usually its all shrivelled up and cold owo)
what can i say about omniterror aside from hot diggity damn.
admittedly, we haven't been mutuals for a super long time so i can't give you an extreme lowdown on how incredible brandy is BUT i am so far SO enjoying what i am seeing! for one ( and i said this to her ) when i checked out that muse list, my brain was doing backflips. like, holy shit, that is a cool selection of muses. i think anybody who can love ash the same way i feel about him is an instant 10 in my book ( honestly, the evil dead films are some of the best horror flicks out there and giving them love is just MWAH ).
and then the other muses? the selection of re muses including characters from SURVIVOR ? BRUH, yes. *urgh* give me it ALL.
i think what really makes it all special is that from what i've seen simply on my dash & going through brandy's blog is that these characters are done justice. there's a real passion and care that's put into every single one and i love the fact that she can just effortlessly switch between one muse to another. there's no jarring crossover, no awkwardness - she just does it! & as someone new to a multi, i find that so impressive and so awesome.
ooc-wise! the chats we've had have been pleasant and lovely - im really excited to write with her & get to know her more ( mebbe send a few lil shitposts her way & hound her about survivor some more cause look, i like that game okay lolrip ). overall, seems a good bean in my book and im very happy be acquainted with her! c: ))
#(answered)#(positivitymeme)#(ooc) | its like one of my japanese animes#yourre so kind sending these in bless you c:#(queued) | open the door get on the floor everybody walk the dinosaur
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So, to keep dunking on Pathfinder/3.5e and also for lack of a better term...indie, looser systems, I do have a handful of reasons why the systems themselves don't sound like things I'm into but more generally the reason I keep making cheap jokes is because the way people sell these systems is so antithetical to what I want out of TTRPGs. Which doesn't mean they're not good, or that they're not right for other people! But god...you are not superior for liking something other than D&D 5e, you are just a person who isn't into that particular experience and if you want to get people to play other games...learn to fucking sell it.
The crunch of pathfinder has some appeal, because I do love math and rules, but it always feels like the arguments go like this.
"I can't figure out how DCs in 5e get set!"
"well, the DM sets it based on a rough estimate of difficulty, using their brain; the DM's Guide gives a scale broken down by 5-point increments that you can use."
"What? You mean I, an inveterate metagamer cannot find it by adding up 8 numbers based on the weather, my class, my feats, active spells, and the migration patterns of nearby birds in a process that brings the narrative to a screeching halt?"
Or else it goes like this (this is a literal screenshot from a reply on a shitpost I made about paladin archetypes):
Well, in 5e you are allowed to ride things without being good at dex on the grounds that the average normal person in a pre-industrial society would probably be able to sit on a horse (animal handling is also an option). You can play a halfling paladin by playing a halfling whose class is paladin, and if you cast summon steed a reasonable DM will allow you to flavor said steed as a celestial wardog. You do not need special abilities to...turn around? in 5e? damn you lived like this? and sure, you can have a spear or lance as your weapon. I guess charging doesn't do much in 5e (the charger feat exists but isn't amazing) but like, you could do it.
Like, seriously, so many posts are like "I don't see a ruleset for how I can confirm I was able to drink my coffee without dropping it on the floor? 5e seems bad" and in general 3.5e/Pathfinder appear to treat your character as a Sim or something, where if the ladder disappears from the pool you're just like "guess I'll die" [note: I haven't played either 3.5e, Pathfinder, nor the Sims but like. I'm right.] And if you want to play this that's fine! Crunch can be very fun! but god it's unnecessary and it seems like there are too many rules for the sake of just like, having rules.
Moving on to the looser systems, the "just a d100" or "just a d6" ones that "foster more RP": so many of these "foster more RP" by having systems that actively corral the conversation, or PC emotions, instead of just...letting people talk. I actually find things like Monsterhearts "turn someone on" mechanic or the sanity mechanics in Call of Cthulhu really off-putting! I'd rather be allowed to respond to things genuinely, in character.
"But M," you say "that's kind of the point of Call of Cthulhu, the sanity slippage." And you know what? You're absolutely right! Because that is where my point is leading:
The TTRPG game you pick should be mostly based on the kind of story you want to tell, and anyone who ignores that in their considerations can themselves be ignored.
I happen to enjoy Dungeons & Dragons because I enjoy that particular form of fantasy in a quasi-early renaissance* setting, and I would, perchance, like to explore a dungeon and maybe even fight a dragon. I do not want to be dealing with horrors beyond comprehension**, except in the sense that I'd like to smite/disintegrate/viciously mock them. I do not want to pretend I am in high school again, under literally any circumstances, even if I can hex people. I like fantasy combat because I am both simmering with incandescent range basically always and yet I cannot typically act on it*** and I'd like to be able to save the world through hitting things with a sweet-ass sword or casting. Hyping up a system because it lacks combat is absolutely the wrong tack with me.
And if you don't like that it's fine! But I have yet to see someone actually make an argument, to me specifically, for a different system, that actually accounted for even a whiff of my own personal preference and honestly at this point the damage, while not irreversible, is pretty severe; my attitude towards anyone trying to steer me from D&D 5e is pretty cynical.****
*look I will pick many battles on any hills wagering that ultimately I will only die on one and this is on the list. Anyway if printed books are available and gunpowder has reached your vaguely European-in-flavor society? It's Renaissance.
**always thought this quote was from Lovecraft but it's from Tesla, objectively a much better dude despite a shitty dude using his name to sell cars.
***Yes. I am an eldest daughter. Why do you ask.
****This is also the root cause of why I adamantly refuse to watch either Titanic or Finding Nemo.
#did u know: caring about people's motivations is helpful in motivating them#kids i have to be honest with you: the wizard breakdown tracker was a great rambly writing outlet I no longer have#i should maybe channel this into actually writing fanfic? or I can drink weird gin & lemonades and write this.
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Hello, Lauren 💛
Happy Positivity Sleepover!
Hi!
I dug up a few quotes for this! Also this might be a VERY long answer!
🍊 - It's such a standard answer but really, my parents. They raised me to never think of myself as anything other than just me. 28 years later I don't give a shit that my life is filled with hospital appointments and looming surgery, it doesn't feel odd to me or significant or 'different'. I was never raised with a sense of 'otherness'. It's not an overnight thing, especially going through all the usual things children go through in school, you come up against barriers, but as time goes on I've leaned into the woman I am and I refuse to apologize for it. I'm fucking PROUD to be this woman. And this made me choke up a bit!
☀️
"What a liberation to realize that the 'voice in my head' is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that."
- Eckhart Tolle
"Some days, doing 'the best we can' may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn't perfect on any front-and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else."
- Fred Rogers
Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms, or books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
- Rainier Maria Rilke
On good days, a blessing falls over you. It wraps its arms around you, and you’re free and deeply in and of this world. That’s your reward: being here. That’s what gets you up the next morning. A new chance to receive that benediction. While you’re buttering your toast, getting dressed, or driving home from work, you stumble into those moments when you can feel the hand of God gently rest upon your shoulder. And you realize how lucky you are. Lucky to be alive. Lucky to be breathing in this world of beauty, horror and hope.
- Bruce Springsteen
🧩 My favorite thing about my base of followers?
I'm thankful for every single one of them. They make me smile, cry and laugh more than they probably realize. Their support means so much because without them I probably wouldn't have written as many stories as I have since I started this blog!
They put up with me which is enough to warrant a medal to begin with! 🤣 Through the ups, the downs, the boredom, the drunk and tired shitposts, they've seen it all.
They're not followers, they're friends.
Plus, let's be real, friends don't let friends hoe alone 😏
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GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER!
Tagged by: my lover @hammurabicomplex
I’m tagging: anyone and everyone who wants to pick this one up! share with the class if you feel like it! tag me in it!!
PRESENTING. RANDOM DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO-MUN AT 2AM ;
FIRST NAME
Good fucking question… It’s (sort-of) currently Dylann! I was Kieran before that, though; it’s still used as one of my first names and I’m not used to Dylann quite yet bc I’ve just started using it.
Indigo is one of my middle names though, and I’ve used it as an online handle elsewhere forever so I use it here now! [ Fun etymology facts: Dylan(n) is a mythology name generally meaning “born of the wave” (aspiring diver & a water witch at heart). Kieran means “little dark one” bc of my love for horror, && I chose Indigo bc as a kid to be it was neither boy (blue) or purple (girl) and was both and neither as well as my absolute favorite color as this vibrant ass mystical color. ]
STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF
hmmmmm…. I’m a horror lover at heart, so as a child (I wanna say 12), I was walking through an antique store (I have a few cool finds, I considered putting my other one as the fact tbh) and I turned the corner and I saw these two dolls staring back at me at the foot of the stairs of this antique building. my blood froze, and i felt my stomach drop. i got actual, physical goosebumps stumbling across these two creepy dolls staring back at me in the corner, and i couldn’t leave the store without them. perhaps the little painted porcelain boy would be somewhat spooky by himself if it wasn’t for the terrifying lidded gaze of the porcelain girl with the hairline fractures and slightly open lips. i cant look at her. i dont really find dolls scary, I like to find the spookier ones ones, and she makes me paranoid as hell. i keep her face covered and her up in my closet except for when i bring her out to show her off proudly as the spookiest thing I have but……. i dont really collect dolls anymore. even thinking about her brings a fearful tear to my eye. i don’t like to think about her for very long, but that’s why I’m so fucking proud to own her.
( YES — I’m THAT white person in the horror film )
TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON
hhhhh a beardy jawline, high cheekbones, crooked canine teeth >:3c
A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF
b.l.t.’s with avocado. ahhhh. my mouth is watering just thinking about it, oh my god. just a bit of salt and pepper???
A FOOD YOU HATE
barbecue anything, i hate the taste of bbq sauce, you keep your nasty black goo to yourselves at the grill. twice in my life i have presented with barbecue pizza and both times i cried literal tears. why would you do such a horrible thing to a person? what kind of a monster are you? how do you sleep at night?!
GUILTY PLEASURE
the sims. constantly. always. i’ve sunk thousands of hours into my households. oh also uhhhhhh i run two 80s horror blogs, one being a shitpost blog with occasional art of mine and one gremlin fanfic ship blog for horrible, terrible self indulgent fanfics i’ll get the courage to finish writing & post so i can be cancelled on tumblr for at some point. NO, i won’t link them. as i pretend they’re even all that hard to find, within a day i was found on both by someone i admire here a lot :’) ilu bby thnk u eternally for supporting ur local horrifying dumbass wtf
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN
the same clothes i’ve been wearing all day usually, my sweats & long sleeve raglans or my hoodies. i like being cozy day & and out. and ugh. efoort. just throw me in a blanket in a cool room and im out.
SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS
serious relationships with some openness or poly. i wish i could fling! just not exactly easy for demisexual autistics lmao.
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE
I think I would be adopted by my grandma as a kid. It would save me some trauma but mostly I think it would get my autism diagnosed way earlier and save me angsting all these years of wondering why & thinking it’s my fault I’m struggling so much and so loud and affectionate and different in a world that i didnt fit in the same way.
ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON
when i get drunk i text people how much they mean to me in my life. does that answer your question? ahhh. i’m sometimes a cuddle monster with friends, i message people with long texts about how much they mean to me, but I sometimes really don’t like to be touched at all.
A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN
FLYPAPER. F L Y P A P E R. FLYPAPER. FLY, and, I can’t stress this enough, fucking PAPER. ( Though also Whole Nine Yards and both Re-Animator & Bride ). I have watched Flypaper already like, 5 times this week and I’m still not done, and the other movies have been on repeat for days in this household within the last year. In the past it has also been Donnie Darko & the new Nightmare on Elm Street. roast me.
FAVORITE BOOK
White Fang by Jack London. Have I actually ever finished it? No. Do I still own a copy I’ve had since childhood thru multiple dogs eating it, taking it to and from school, and highlighting and circling all the best parts of chapter one ever since I was a kid and it was too hard of a book for me to read? You bet your ass. If I ever need inspiration I just reread chapter 1. Although one of my other favorites was Broken Monsters by Lauren Beukes. But White Fang is like, a weirdly personal text. We stan London’s writing in this household.
YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE
FENNEC FOX!! I used to daydream about having my own named Shiloh when I was a lil kid. they’re adorable little things and i am obsessed. i mean, gimme any fox and im happy, marble foxes, red foxes… but I was obsessed with fennec foxes. Also tbh ferrets. I want a ferret.
TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]
Rosa & @ninetyscnds‘s Luke, Rosa & @iimpulsivity is already screaming my name, Rosa & Constantine, Jesse & Andrea from Breaking Bad, and the joker and harley of 80s sci-fi Dan & Herbert from Re-Ani. I am but a simple opossum.
PIE OR CAKE
Pie! I’ll take both pumpkin & melty apple over cake. also, cheesecake is more pie than cake soooo, pie wins.
FAVORITE SCENT
my dogs / my blanket. :’) It’s the most grounding smell in the world.
CELEBRITY CRUSH
oliver jackson-cohen, i’m fucking GAY and im angry about it. there i was, minding my own business, and i saw that asshole in a certain SHIRTLESS GIF and it AWOKE SOMETHING IN ME. dont talk to me about it, holy shit im obsessed with beardy men now god fuckkdafjaask i hate him why did he make me this gay i was perfectly fine being into girls but NOOOOOO him and his dumb hairy chest and sweet rugged face and I—— I also am obsessed with the archaeologist & television personality Josh Gates and may or may not be considering making a fan blog for him bc idk if my anthropology docuseries host is Dad or Daddy but i love him lots
IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO
I would go on a dive with anthropologists and archaeologists doing fieldwork research in the ancient cenotes of the Yucatán Peninsula. My actual dream job, catch me crying & fantasizing about being underwater documenting Mayan skulls given as offerings. Fuckkkk, I love anthropology so much!! take me anywhere in the world to immerse myself into culture & archaeology.
INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT
Introvert. I have a real life friend I see roughly once a month, and that’s it. Plenty of online relationships, I’m chatty, message me all day every day. but i dont do people well.
DO YOU SCARE EASILY
I used to! Really bad. I don’t as much anymore. I do get paranoia a lot still. Having therapists telling you that the FBI could be outside your house watching you through your windows will kind of nervous. ( no google results for: yes hello fbi i am a writer please dont put me on watchlists i just have research i need to do for this idea im working on, would you like to try again? ) I have nightmares nightly but not they never make me afraid, they just make me feel like crap. jumpscares and loud noises and seeing people reaching into their pockets dont set off as many brain alarms anymore tho!! progress haha.
IPHONE OR ANDROID
I like my android better bc of capabilities but meh
DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES
My mom, her husband & I play COD for family game night, and Silent Hill is my life’s blood. I’ve sunken hours into Sims & Skyrim, and Norman Jayden from Heavy Rain is my #1 fictional character in existence, why do i love the druggie babies
DREAM JOB
Oh… You’re asking me to pick? I’d love to be an anthropologist doing work out in the field. Underwater archaeology is peak, but I’m also heavily considering being a body recovery diver or police diver. I’d love to see myself in uniform someday, if possible. Just the thought makes me teary eyed & proud.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS
fund my person creative & educational endeavors. get myself a spooky ass abandoned house to make my own home to create in, and travel to the world’s best dive sites. just live a mild life of education, creation & exploration. that’s the dream TM.
FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE
dr. hill is a gross and whiny lil bitch this post brought to u by the miskatonic crew, how is everyone here an even worse bad guy than herbert west precious dan excluded talk shit get hit
tho john winchester from spn and both walter white & todd from breaking bad are all in my crew of hated characters. i jusT… the reani novel is difficult to read because i have to deal with this old sack of shit.
FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER
Supernatural :-)
… AND THIS CONCLUDES A DEEP DIVE WITH INDIGO!! //
#||: && the mundane ( ooc );#( get to know a bitch!! )#( this was... a lot of me rambling about weirdly personal shit at 2 am )
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About Us Tag
Sooooo we were pleasantly surprised to see that we were tagged. The rules go as followed: tag the person who tagged you, answer the questions, and tag 10 people. Thank you, @razzledazzlemfs for tagging us. So....
-How tall are you?
Lovie: I’m 5′4
Alex: 5′9″! Which is a pretty good height because I’m short enough to not tower over everyone but tall enough to make people think twice about fighting me.
-What color and style is your hair?
Lovie: Uhhh, really depends on the type of day I’m having. I have very curly hair so sometimes I just throw it in a bun, sometimes I just let it down and mousse it (TRESemmé Flawless Curls Mousse) if I’m feeling fancy. Oh, it’s also black.
Alex: Straight as hell, a bit past shoulder length. It’s also dyed black, but my natural hair is a really dark brown so you can’t really tell the difference! I don’t do much with it because I suck at hair but I do put it up a lot since I’m not used to having it long. I kept a pixie cut/short bob for a while!
-What color are your eyes?
Lovie: Dark brown.
Alex: A muted blue
-Do you wear glasses?
Lovie: No, but my blind eyes should. I’m nearsighted. I was going to get glasses with my next paycheck but like...I also really want makeup.
Alex: Yeah. I used to only need them for reading and I can still survive without them, but my eyesight has definitely worsened. Staring at a screen probably doesn’t help.
-Do you wear braces?
Lovie: No, I do not.
Alex: No, and I never have. I got lucky in that department!” (can’t say that for everything else though oof)
-What’s your fashion sense?
Lovie: I would describe my fashion sense as...”I want to be edgy but my mom won’t let me.”
Alex: Functional, preferably with a darker color scheme. The general rule for me: If I can’t run from the authorities in it, I won’t wear it. At least not regularly!
-Full name?
Lovie: Lovie.
Alex: Alexandria, but Alex is always preferred!
-When were you born?
Lovie: July 21, 1997
Alex: September 29, 2000. I’m a Libra baby :)
-Where were you born and where do you live now?
Lovie: I was born in South Texas and still live in South Texas.
Alex: San Diego, and I still live within the county!
-What school do you go to?
Lovie: I dropped out for a semester so I could work but I’m going back in the fall. I should have a bachelor’s degree but because the school I was going to for two years shut down I HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN! BOI I LOVE COLLEGE!
Alex: I’m just going to community college right now because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m an anthropology major, but I might switch to biology since I’m really interested in genetics. I’m also thinking of doing communication studies. I really need to figure it out so I can choose a direction!
-What kind of student are you?
Lovie: I’m a surprisingly good student considering the fact that I am charged out the ass every semester. All you gotta know is that I pass my classes. I ain’t out here lookin to be an overachiever. I’m trying to pass.
Alex: I could be better because although I get good grades and manage to grasp material pretty well, I bullshit my way through EVERYTHING. It’s a bad habit but I never study as much as I should and almost never know what’s going on in class until I get there.
Oh my god, am I Luca? Fuck, I think I’m Luca!
-Do you like school?
Lovie: Not even remotely. I enjoyed it somewhat until I had to start over again at square one and now I’m completely demotivated. The only thing preventing me from dropping out of college altogether and becoming a stripper is the reality that I lack the sex appeal, athleticism, and people skills to be a stripper. College is the only other option for me.
Alex: I think it’s alright. There’s a lot of crap and money you have to go through for a degree so I’m considering going into a trade for my first career, but I might take a couple more classes before I finalize that decision. I need to try out more before I shut it down completely!
-Favorite subject?
Lovie: English and History. I’ve always excelled at both those subjects.
Alex: I love social sciences and regular sciences! Science rules!
-Favorite TV Show?
Lovie: The Tudors has been a favorite of mine since high school but right now, Game of Thrones and Roman Empire.
Alex: Imposters! It’s about a con artist that gets people to fall in love with her before she steals all of their money and disappears, but her last three targets team up to track her down and go through an incredible journey through the US and Mexico! It’s funny and cool and has a touch of romance. It’s extremely underrated!
-Favorite Movie?
Lovie: I will ride or die for Clueless, Mean Girls and 10 Things I Hate About You. I have a lot of movies that I greatly enjoy but those three movies never fail to make me laugh or feel better if I’ve had a bad day.
Alex: I’ve never been a huge movie person but for some reason one in particular sticks out to me. It’s called Hush, it’s a horror, and it scares the absolute shit out of me. Last time I watched it I put on Thor: Ragnarok on after so I wouldn't be so freaked out!
-Favorite Books?
Lovie: This is a hard one, honestly. I’ve read so many books that I can’t pick one but I remember ‘The Night Circus’ by Erin Morgenstern having a large impact on me in high school.
Alex: Oof.... I have no clue! The entire Percy Jackson series is always a favorite, The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde is close to my heart, and The Great Gatsby was my favorite out of what I read in high school. That’s what I can choose right now!
-Favorite past time?
Lovie: I have a habit of writing a lot and then never posting it. So probably either writing privately or shitposting on this blog.
Alex: Mostly research on my current interests (at the moment it’s houseplants, gardening, and dog breeds), posting on my finsta, and watching YouTube videos or Netflix. When I wanna get crazy I’ll put on a song and click the YouTube mix playlist button.
-Do you have any regrets?
Lovie: None that I feel comfortable discussing in a tag meme.
Alex: Not being more assertive and every penny I’ve ever spent (I’m very broke at the moment and sad about it lmao).
-Dream Job?
Lovie: I’m still debating if I want to be a museum curator or an English professor but I would love to be a professional writer. Like an author or a writer for a game or tv show.
Alex: I really don’t know! All I know is that I like working with people, I like a chill work environment, and I like a job that has meaning to me. Working two months in fast food taught me all of those things! I’m still searching for what I want to do but I’ll find it!
-Do you like shopping?
Lovie: I do actually. It’s fun when I’m impulse shopping after having a bad day.
Alex: I like it so much that I have lists of random shit that I’ve seen online that I want to get. I have a weird rule with myself though, where I have to sit on it for 24 hours before deciding if I really want it so I don’t wipe my bank account. I find it helps, but it also makes me realize that I want the weirdest shit. Like a tortilla blanket, or a mug with a mug on it.
-What countries have you visited?
Lovie: Mexico and Jamaica
Alex: I’ve been to Mexico but I don’t really remember it, the Bahamas, and I don’t know if it counts but I’ve been to some of the US Virgin Islands!
-Scariest nightmare you ever had?
Lovie: If I didn’t have such a shit memory I’d probably be able to answer this.
Alex: I couldn’t see anything but I could hear the sound of machinery and people screaming in pain. I remember feeling this intense heat underneath me getting hotter, and when I struggled it felt like I was swinging. Finally, after what felt like an hour of panicking and trying to figure things out I realized that I was being cooked alive in a burlap sack along with many others, suspended above something hot. And then I struggled one more time, the bag broke, and I woke up right when I began to fall. That was over ten years ago but that’s gotta be the worst.
-Any enemies?
Lovie: The WH writers.
Alex: Tom Nook, Michael Pencil, and Onision.
-Any significant other?
Lovie: I’ve been with my fiance for 6 years now. It’ll be 7 in June.
Alex: No, and I’ve never actually dated anyone! I’ll find my person one day!
-Do you believe in miracles?
Lovie: I do! Yes, I do!
Alex: Absolutely. How do you think Lovie and I happened to meet? It’s certainly some crazy odds for us both to meet online through a mutual interest in a game and become such close friends! That in itself is a miracle to me! :)
-How are you?
Lovie: Could be better. Could be worse. I’m just getting by.
Alex: Feeling kind of lost and currently handling some stress headaches but I’m doing pretty alright. Just trying to live the best I can!
We Tag: @youkaiangel @stephdaninja @donetorhasslichliebe @mrsalfonsegoldstein @calwh7 @midnightiscool @dragonsandloki @secretbouquetstrawberrysthings @danielisbestwerewolf @aoimoku12
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ALL of the asks.
Hey! I didn’t get to this right away so I’m making an educated guess on what ask meme this was for ksjvnksjfnv
chocolate: when was your first kiss?
Ah,, haven’t had that yet!
french vanilla: how old are you?
I’m 18 babey
cotton candy: three places you want to travel to?
America, Canada and I can’t really think of anywhere else because I just really want to see my friends skvjnfkjv
strawberry: a language you wish you could speak?
Probably Japanese! Hindi might be neat too
coffee: favorite cosmetic brands?
I’m not that into cosmetics skvnsjkfv but theres this one brand that keeps making Sailor Moon themed makeup, I think it’s Creer Beaute? I can get behind that.
mint chocolate chip: indoors or outdoors?
I’m an indoors guy
cookie dough: do you play any instruments?
I’m learning the guitar! It’s mostly my voice tho
rocky road: favorite songs at the moment?
Rn I have All my loving stuck in my head skjfvnskjfv but I think my current favs are What’s a devil to do, Mordred’s Lullaby and Kick it up a notch? Idk, all I’ve been listening to lately is this one playlist i made for my character and every song there is great
butter pecan: favorite songs for life?
YOU CAN’T ASK ME THESE THINGS I’M SMALL AND INDECISIVE
Hijo de la luna has been in my heart for forever and will probably always be
Love like you is,,, very dear to my heart as a song that I can very much relate to
I can’t think of anything else at the moment sknsfvn
cheesecake: what's your zodiac sign?
Scorpio!!
toasted coconut: the beach or the pool?
Depends!! The pool is my fav by default bc I don’t have to deal with things like. The sun. But when I went to Córdoba with my friends and we hung out at the river I had a blast
chocolate chip: what's your most popular post?
A really dumb Yugioh shitpost sknvjsfvk it’s been years and every now and again it comes back and I die inside
bubblegum: books or movies?
hhhhhh both? A while ago I would’ve said books and they’re very dear to my heart but I’ve been having a harder time reading fiction lately. and I think there’s a certain beauty to cinema
pistachio: manga or anime?
Manga!!! Anime’s great tho. I have a great amount of respect and love for voice actors so I always love watching animated media
salted caramel: favorite movies?
Ponyo, Princess Mononoke, Princess Kaguya and Nausicaa of the valley of the wind are all. very very dear to my heart
Conqueror of Shamballa is also a fav skfvnskjfvn
Oh! And Moana!
I’m sure I have quite a few not-anime favs but I can’t think of any rn ksvjfnkfv
birthday cake: favorite books?
Geisha, a life by Mineko Iwasaki is very important to me. When I was a kid I was amazed by how much I related to her and really wanted to be like her. Also I just think it’s really cool that she went out of her way to right the wrongs of Memoirs of a Geisha (which I am upset about, let it be known)
Betibú by Claudia Piñeiro is a really really good Argentinian murder mystery and i looove it
Also Argentinian, I’m a big fan of La Doncella Roja/The Red Maiden
moose tracks: favorites for manga?
PET SHOP OF HORRORS
Uzumaki by Junji Ito!!!
Mermaid Saga by Rumiko Takahashi was very sadly short but I loved every second of it
orange sherbet: favorites for anime?
Card Captor Sakura and FMA03 are probably my absolute favorites
peanut butter: favorite academic subject?
uuuuuUUUUUH
i don’t know what counts as an academic subject skjvnksfjvn
one of the subjects i have in school rn is based around making a videogame and im having a blast
in General Aspects I love art and have great appreciation for computer science in theory though im starting to doubt whether its My Thing academically
black raspberry: do you have any pets?
sadly no
mango: when and why did you start your blog?
fuck, I think it was like 6 or 5 years ago by now skvjnskfn and it was to be able to browse tags easier I believe
mocha: ideal weather conditions?
warm, windy, cloudy
black cherry: four words that describe you?
Kind, loving, needy, emotional ksjnsfjn
neapolitan: things that stress you out?
trying to approach a wide subject im not familiar with. even when i know i can handle it and have an idea of where to start its just so overwhelming
raspberry truffle: favorite kind of music?
probably pop? I don’t know honestly
chocolate marshmallow: favorite brands of candy?
Bonafide, Royal, Cofler I think
toffee: a card game that you're good at?
I don’t fancy myself very skilled in any card games honestly skjvnskfjvn I enjoy this one called We didn’t playtest this at all. Oh and I love Uno/Crazy 8s
lemon custard: do you eat breakfast?
Yes!!! Every morning. Sometimes I forget to eat but I try to be very consistent with That
dark chocolate: turn ons?
Am I allowed to talk about this? Can I be horny on main?? Is this allowed??
fudge: turn offs?
See above skjnskjfvn
peach: how do you relax?
if I’m doing real bad my go-to is a ghibli movie and some tea. I like laying down and playing games on my phone or reading to chill
praline: a popular book you haven't read yet?
there’s so manyyyy
The Magnus Chase saga I really want to read
Also Good Omens
superman: do you like sweaters?
Yes!!! but only if they’re Really soft
cherry: do you drink tea or coffee?
around 80% of my liquid intake is iced tea ksjvfnsfv mostly peppermint. I enjoy coffee when I’m made to drink it because I sweeten it to death but honestly I don’t drink it by choice unless I have to stay up quite a bit
dulce de leche: an instrument you wish you could play?
well, i really want to get into the guitar, but also I would love to... piano
blackberry: have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
just a few times, but yes!!
latest time was when a friend narrated to us the story of his fish and it fucking killed me, I wish there was any way for me to replicate that mess
ginger: a new feature you wish tumblr could have?
Give me an easy way to block through my side blogs pls
blueberry lemon: favorite blogs?
im having a Lot of trouble thinking of them rn ksjfvnkjsfnv but i just saw @un-repentant in my dash and everything they ever put in their blog is great
almond: favorite mean girls quote?
I,,,,, didn’t watch Mean Girls,
butterscotch: what color are your nails right now?
They’re not painted, sadly
cinnamon: have you ever been confessed to?
Nope! I mean, I have had my feelings reciprocated but nobody’s come up to me to tell me they liked me without prompting on my side
blue moon: have you ever had a crush on someone?
Yup! Still do
cappuccino crunch: do you take naps?
Not often which is a shame bc I love them
mint: the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?
I don’t wanna think about it skjvnksjfnv
brownie batter: do you like sushi?
I love it and it’s sad bc I’ve only eaten it twice in my entire life
key lime: where do you want to be right now?
Cuddling with a good good friend,
red velvet: do you wear prescription glasses?
Yes! I can barely see without them ksjfvnkjsfv
green tea: favorite flavors of ice cream?
Mint with chocolate chips, bitter chocolate? idk how to name it in English, white chocolate and Kinder chocolate
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The Longest Library #7: The Little Book of Complete Bollocks by Alistair Beaton
This is a series in which I attempt to read and review all (or most of) my library of 297 books.
Rundown: I'm just going to quote part of the back here: In this witty hatchet job on the therapy culture, writer and broadcaster Alistair Beaton invites you to make friends with your anxiety, give your anger a hug, and have a good long satisfying shag with your negativity.
This is a small pocket book you'd probably gift to the drunk in your life if you share their views that therapy is too touchy feely, or if one of you have failed therapy before. I was wondering why these jokes were falling flat, and more importantly, why they were falling flat in a weird way instead of a mean-spirited way you'd expect. Then I read the back and realized that the author is british. (not sorry, british comedy is fine, bad british humor is just disappointing and feels like a small round man in his 30's trying to be clever at me in the pub)
I give this a 1/5. It'll waste a good thirty minutes, and there's like, five that made me exhale through my nose a little bit, but the rest of it was slightly exasperating.
So, this book reads like 12 year old me trying to be funny. It's a comment on therapy culture if all they've seen is TV gurus and overwritten self-discovery (not self-help) books. What I'm saying is that it could have been better. There's shitposts on tumblr that does a better job than about 89% of this book. Some of these do, in fact, read like tumblr shitposts that just barely miss the mark. There were times I felt like a lot of these were better off on a twitter account, or could be plugged into a bot that's attached to a twitter account.
However, I will share a few choice pieces with you.
IMPORTANT
Feelings of unimportance are often caused by a lack of importance. Banish your feelings of unimportance by becoming President of the United States.
Did the orange narcissist read this?
THE CHILD WITHIN
Finding the child within yourself can be harder than you think. Buy a cuddly toy and take it to bed with you. Use it to rediscover the child-self you thought you had lost forever. Keep in touch with this child-self wherever you go. Throw tantrums with people who won't let you have your way. Eat too much chocolate and be sick. Show your partner your anger by wetting the bed.
*ANGRILY PEES THE BED* YOU NEVER PUT THE FORKS BACK IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!!
URINE
Let urine be the mirror of your soul. Every Monday morning, use a chopstick* to whisk a little of your urine in a white porcelain bowl. If your urine turns frothy, you have a terminal illness and will be dead by the weekend. *if you have issues around chopsticks, it is better to use a fork.
Here's one that makes little if any sense and feels like it failed to set out what it wanted to do. Yes I'm complaining. Yes I'm implying I might know how to do it better. Yes I'm actually going to do it.
"Urine can be a good reflection of the state of your soul. Every Monday morning,( the day of new beginnings for each week,) you can best check your soul's status by whisking some of your urine in a white porcelain bowl with a chopstick. Almost clear urine reflects your clarity of mind and peacefulness, as you must live a balanced and peaceful life to be able to drink that much water on an almost constant basis. If you can see patterns or small particles forming in the liquid, now is the perfect time to pause and contemplate the state of your medical insurance, as you will soon be needing a doctor for that heinous infection."
There. A soft punchline that makes the laughing portion of your brain give a little squeeze without actually giving you the physical urge to giggle. Because that's what they were going for, right?
COLOUR THERAPY
Try painting your therapist a different colour.
This one works. I like this one.
YOUR BODY
Your body is a superb instrument. Why not invite it to join an orchestra?
This one doesn't. Where's the funny? What's the implication? An actual orchestra, despite the average reader not being a trained musician? A choir? An orgy?
MIRROR MEDITATION
Sit down in the lotus position, facing a full-length mirror. In complete silence, stare at your own face in the mirror, without blinking. For three or four hours, nothing will happen. Persist.After four to six hours, the eyes of the face in the mirror will start to roll its eyes and its tongue will flop out of its mouth. Do not be alarmed - this is perfectly normal. Persist. After seven to eight hours, the face in the mirror will suddenly become distorted and appear to be screaming. Do not be alarmed - this is perfectly normal. Persist. After eight to ten hours the face in the mirror will come to meet yours. It will feel as if you are bashing your head repeatedly into a glass object. You will now find yourself in an altered state of consciousness. This is known as unconsciousness.It is followed by another, higher state, known as hospital.
Are they going for a horror bent? This definitely isn't advanced enough to consciously make it about eye fatigue and hypnogogic hallucinations. I feel like the amount of hours doesn't justify the end goal. It's a meditation. Usually there's an end goal of some kind in mind. Be it a time limit or a specific state or some way to KNOW when it ends. This joke only works if someone would actually have a reason to continue the exercise even though the ending may land them in the hospital. Yes I'm nitpicking. Yes I'll admit that if the bulk of it were shorter and the ending bit came way sooner it would be funnier to my tiny pea brain with a fly's bladder sized attention span.
PAINFUL
Make space for pain in your life. If you feel just fine, seek out a counselor or therapist who will explore with you the reasons why you are denying your pain.
:)
:') This is good, it feels like a joke one of your friends would make at you.
DYSFUNCTIONAL
A dysfunctional family is not a family that fails to function; a dysfunctional family is a family that fails to function for you. Make your family function for you by asking family members to rub essential oils into your thighs. If anyone refuses, ask them why they feel threatened by your thighs.
Dril goes to therapy: the movie. This one's good.
ON THE PLANE
During long air journeys, endear yourself to crew and passengers alike by introducing those around you to the ancient power of group chant.
Theater kids, am I right?
SIMPLE PLEASURES
Get pleasure out of the little things in life. Stand on an ant.
This one is the best one. It's the absurdist and casual aggression. It's perfectly modernized and it would probably be considered the worst one back in the day.
BEYOND WORDS
Understand the importance of non-verbal messaging. Give people the sound cues which reveal your mood: If you are happy, ululate in people's ears. If you are anxious, make moaning noises. If you are depressed, fart loudly and persistently.
Ah, so mid-2000s anime fans? Got it.
So in conclusion, no need to waste time on this book. Unless wasting time is what you set out to do.
If you're truly curious, I'm selling this book. It's not on the inverted selections ebay page (where I'm putting all my stuff I don't want any more and these books will likely appear there as well) because ebay is weird and has itty bitty tiny selling limits, so I can only have 5 active listings at a time. However, if you want this before anybody else can get to it, you simply have to message me on any platform you can find me one, and we'll set something up. It's 2 US dollars for me, and about 3.50 for the postal system.
#thelongestlibrary#the little book of complete bollocks#alistair beaton#book review#invertedselections#origin1#wri1
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~Admin Hidari Ver.~
elliott and I talked about this a little and being the great content creators we are,,,, decided to copy paste an ask meme to satisfy your curiosity. questions are from here --> http://fyeahaskmemes.tumblr.com/post/152629812132/identity-askoh-shit
I’ll now answer them under a cut so if you don’t give a shit you don’t have to read it. it’s 30 questions.
if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?
-deep inhale- let’s see, on the trash side, just sO much gay manga, kpop, and youtube filth. on my Intellectual™ side, I quite like sci-fi and horror, a lot of Stephen King, right now my favorite novels/series are House of Leaves and The Monstrumologist. So the answer is, a mix of wholesome sparkly gay content, and just like, the darkest shit out there. Shout out to My Favorite Murder, the podcast I’m listening to now. Stay sexy, don’t get murdered.
have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?
It’s hard to tell since I mostly read fiction, but i’ve read a couple of comedic biographies/memoirs I really feel, like you go through this Bad Shit™ but you laugh at it, y’know? Trevor Noah is a fuckin icon, I read his book Born a Crime in one night, it was so fascinating and funny.
list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.
listen. We could be here all day. let’s just boil it down to what I’m currently following in the weeb world.
anime:
violet evergarden, no one on this show is really relatable to me, but I love Violet and anyone who’s ever mean to her will catch these hands
sanrio boys, I stan Hasegawa Kouta
gakuen babysitters, I identify with the guy running the daycare tbh, I just always wanna take a fuckin nap
manhua:
their story, both girls are super cute and super gay, HEAVY RELATE
19 days, Guan Shan, probably because I also want to slam dunk He Tian into a trash can
kpop:
ikon, probably Chanwoo, I’m always ready to roast someone
bts, Yoongi is absolutely just me 1000%
blackpink, idk but I want each and every one of them to punch me in the face
do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better?
I use ‘hidari’ here, which is just the kanji reading for my last name. which reminds me, y’all can follow me @hidariprince on insta even tho I never post u can see some of my art
do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?
mate, I’m barely even a human
are you religious/spiritual?
nope, wasn’t raised that way, never picked it up.
do you care about your ethnicity?
I have a slightly complicated family history that’s not directly acknowledged, so in the broader sense I just refer to myself as Asian, or east Asian. but I’m totally here for racial equality, representation, and making fun of white people lol
what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?
my all time favorite band is 2NE1, and I will never fucking forgive YG for disbanding them what a fuckin gremlin that man is.
are you an artist?
yes, but I’m aiming to be an animator. even though I’m awful at digital stuff.
do you have a creed?
things I repeat to myself a lot are ‘do no harm, take no shit’ and also ‘but did you die though’
describe your ideal day.
I sleep until noon. we eat the most calorie/carb filled brunch, then we go to the dog park. we stay there until sundown. we buy more disgusting junk food, and go home to binge watch movies or shows. it’s 3am, we’re eating cereal and talking about everything and nothing. we fall asleep at sunrise.
dog person or cat person?
both, but definitely more dog
inside or outdoors?
hella indoors, my bedroom is a dank cave with the blinds always closed, I emerge once in a blue moon
are you a musician?
a terrible one. I played flute and piano but it’s just a casual hobby, I guess.
five most influential books over your lifetime.
the bell jar -sylvia plath
house of leaves -mark z. danielewski
one hundered years of solitude - gabriel garcia marquez
the shining -stephen king
complete h.p. lovecraft collection
if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?
I grew up in a totally great environment and I’m still constantly on the verge of losing my fucking mind, so yeah, maybe. genetic predispositions and all that.
would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?
not this one, but my personal, @skribblindaydreamer, is 100% me, just a living shitpost, just,,,, a mess
what’s your patronus?
a polecat, according to pottermore.
which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?
we all know I’m a hugeass fucking slytherin, I’m not even in the hp fandom and I knew well before I took the pottermore thing
would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?
I wanna be wherever the wi-fi is, tbh
do you love easily?
my first thought was ‘god I fall in love with every dog I see’ but then it occured to me this question probably means people, and in a romantic sense, listen I’m more about platonic love ok
list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.
-staying the fuck in bed
-watching/reading/listening to something
-drawing/writing
-taking a fuckin nap
-spending time with my doggo
how often would you want to see your family every year?
I kinda live with them. I’m like,,, move out?? in this economy???
have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone?
I don’t fucking know what that means, but I heavy relate with anyone who’s depressed, anxious, and gay af
could you live as a hermit?
oh yeah abso-fucking-lutely, as long as I can have everything I need shipped to me. But also keep communication open and not run off into the woods because that’s how you get fucking murdered.
how would you describe your gender/sexuality?
am I a pretty boy or a cute girl? who knows? I’m pan, so it doesn’t matter either way.
do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?
absolutely not. I’ve had many friends refer to me as ‘cute, until you open your mouth and speak’
on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?
I mean, on a superficial level, it’s easy to make me snap something harsh if you’re being an asshole, but really get under my skin?? you’d have to have done something pretty bad because I’m honestly dead inside. Like, something goes wrong and I skip straight through the 5 stages of grief to acceptance.
three songs that you connect with right now.
honestly, anything from the kimi no na wa (your name) soundtrack immediately hits me straight in the kokoro, especially Nandemonaiya
not today -bts
also literally any of Big Marvel’s screaming chicken covers is such a Big Mood
pick one of your favorite quotes.
‘Get a job. Buy your own shit. Stay out of the forest.’ -MFM
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Mod R: Hello, welcome to the oneshot accio-shitpost podcast. I’m Mod R, otherwise known as Roxie, and my pronouns are she/her, thank you very much. And you are?
Mod H: And I’m Mod H, otherwise known as LH, and my pronouns are they/them.
Mod R: Um, so, we’re going to be asking some of your questions!
Mod H: We’re going to be answering some of their questions. We’ll also ask them!
Mod R: They’re fresh off the…question mill, being made by our lovely question workers, in the question mill.
Mod H: In the question mines.
Mod R: theshieldswordandcrown.tumblr.com says ‘If y’all’ – nice Texan shit there – [in bad American accent] ‘If y’all could go to any magical school, which one would it be? Doesn't have to be in the HP universe, either.’ So I don’t know about any other universes apart from the Harry Potter universe that has magical schools, apart from the Worst Witch, which I doubt you know about!
Mod H: Yeah, I’ve got an even more obscure one, but I’m not even gonna mention-
Mod R: Tell me, tell me.
Mod H: Okay, so, do you know Anthony Horowitz? The horror writer?
Mod R: Yes.
Mod H: Well he wrote a horror, erm, couple of horror books for kids about a magic school called Groosham Grange, where basically all of the kids were fucked up. But to actually answer the question, I guess it’d have to be Hogwarts.
Mod R: Hogwarts. Like, I wanna be, like, special, and think of another magical school-
Mod H: But honestly…
Mod R: Are there any other magical schools?
Mod H: No…
Mod R: Um…the Bureau of Balance.
Mod H: Good one.
Mod R: Um, do they teach? I guess they do, don’t they.
Mod H: I mean, Angus learned magic there.
Mod R: From Taako.
Mod H: So it’s like a magic school because of that.
Mod R: Yeah…the Bureau of Balance is from the McElroy brother and father’s The Adventure Zone.
Mod H: Which, check it out if you haven’t.
Mod R: Check it out. It’s good. You’ll like it.
Mod H: Check it out if you like magical fantasy stuff that starts out totally silly and ends up giving you emotions.
Mod H: Anonymous said, ‘Five questions for your 100k thingy. 1) how do you come up with your clever post ideas like how its not fair 2) um... 3) lemme think 4) I... 5) yeah, I’ve only got one question.. never mind.’
Mod R: Yeah, so this is, it reads as bad as it sounds.
Mod H: Yeah. Sorry, anon.
Mod R: No offense anon, I’m sure you’re lovely.
Mod H: But to actually answer your question…
Mod R: Um…
Mod H: Straight off the dome.
Mod R: Straight off the dome-piece. One hundred percent.
Mod H: There are two methods – one of them is ‘oh no I haven’t filled up the queue, um, um, let’s make a post about…lamp’.
Mod R: Yeah, yeah. Like sometimes if you look through the posts, um-
Mod H: You can totally see a thought process.
Mod R: Yeah yeah, so like there was one about a unicycle and a Segway straight after each other in the batch that just came out.
Mod H: Two about Godzilla, recently, as well. I had Godzilla on the brain.
Mod R: Yeah, yeah, sometimes we reorder them so it doesn’t look like…but it’s totally obvious. If it’s from within twenty four hours it’s probably from the same.
Mod H: The other method is that…when we phone call each other, we just brainstorm.
Mod R: Yeah yeah yeah, and here’s one, I’m not sure if you do this anymore, um, but, I certainly used to do this and whenever I make posts now it’s um, I go to the Harry Potter wiki.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: And like, I haven’t done this for a while.
Mod H: I used to do that too, yeah.
Mod R: Because Cursed Child and we didn’t want any spoilers.
Mod H: Heh. I knew the spoilers. I’m trash.
Mod R: You knew the spoilers.
Mod H: You didn’t.
Mod R: And we just used to click ‘random page’, and whatever – okay, here’s the bad bit about this. There’s a page for every day of the year.
Mod H: Everything.
Mod R: Every day of the year in – like, you say ‘did anything happen on January 21st in the Harry Potter universe?’ You can look it up!
Mod H: I don’t know but we can check!
Mod R: We can check!
Mod H: The third method we use to make shitposts, of course, is asking someone else. Shoutout to Mod K, who gives me-
Mod R: Yeah, that’s fucking true.
Mod R: Okay. Next question is from anythingcanonwillbeshipped.tumblr.com, who appropriately asks, ‘Drarry, Scorbus, both, or neither??’ And-
Mod H: Well, there’s an obvious answer to this.
Mod R: There’s an obvious answer to this. Scorbus. One hundred percent Scorbus.
Mod H: Scorbus.
Mod R: Like, no offense to all you Drarry shippers, it’s – okay right, I’ve never been a Drarry shipper.
Mod H: Me neither.
Mod R: Despite – despite some of our posts.
Mod H: We have made jokes about it.
Mod R: I do think that Draco Malfoy might have had a crush on Harry for a while.
Mod H: It’s totally a viable thing, like it would be interesting to see a well-developed dynamic between them.
Mod R: Yeah, yeah. There’s some good fics out there about that, but I’m just not about them being in a relationship.
Mod H: Yeah, personally.
Mod R: Until at least they’re adults.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: And by then, they’re both married. Which is fine, you can still ship them, but like –
Mod H: The Cursed Child versions of them, it’d be particularly interesting to see them together.
Mod R: Yeah. I was about to say, the closest I’ve ever come to shipping Drarry – and I did ship it a lil bit.
Mod H: A lil bit.
Mod R: Is when I watched the Cursed Child. And you, most people listening to it probably haven’t watched it.
Mod H: Yeah, uh, we’ve been quite lucky to have the privilege of seeing Cursed Child-
Mod R: Yeah, because we’re both local to London. Not, we’re not really, I mean you’re – you live very far away-
Mod H: You’re more local.
Mod R: I live kinda far away. daq – as in d-a-q – litterqueen.tumblr.com, no dashes, says ‘#accio100k firstly, congrats!!!’ Thank you!’ :D secondly, combine the color of the t-shirt you are wearing and the name of the last food you ate and WALLA, reveal your unique spell!’ Okay so…mine’s…blue and I last ate – I had pizza, so I’ve got blue pizza, blueizza.
Mod H: Bleetza.
Mod R: I’m gonna say blueizza, because I’m not a fucking scrub.
Mod H: My shirt’s dark blue, like I guess navy, yeah, so navy chips.
Mod R: Nips.
Mod H: Oh God. Nips!
Mod R: It’s nips.
Mod H: Okay. Anonymous asked ‘time is an illusion that man made up to understand the fourth dimension’.
Mod R: More of a statement than a – but this is something I like to talk about. I know a little bit about physics, I dropped physics in GCSE but I’ve still remained very interested in it, and I still read up on it, I’ve read a lot of books about physics…er, I know this sounds like I’m bigging myself up but I’m really not, I’m kinda trash.
Mod H: But you know a bit-
Mod R: People say a lot, time isn’t real, humans made up time. That’s strictly not true. Time is a measurable thing, and we made up the measurements for it, and we’re like ‘oh half past four’ – half past four is made up, that’s not real.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: Time itself is a real dimension that plays into the universe. If time didn’t exist, nothing would happen. That’s how-that’s how it works. Time is just the way we describe things happening in an order.
Mod H: It’s sort of like time is a thing, but our measurements of time is an illusion.
Mod R: Yeah yeah, like people could say space is fake. That’s not true. One metre is fake, we made that up, but like space is definitely real and the distance between me and, like, the bed in front of me might be a metre, and that’s fake, but it’s still in front of me, like it still exists.
Mod H: Yeah. It’s still that distance away, no matter how much-
Mod R: Same for time. So thank you for giving me this. Time is an illusion that man made up, to understand the fourth dimension, is closer to the truth but not quite. Anonymous asks ‘How old are y’all’ [in fake American accent] ‘How old are y’all and what do you do. Are yoi students?’ There’s an upside down question mark there-
Mod H: We are Yuri on Ice students.
Mod R: We’re not.
Mod H: We’re not students or Yuri on Ice.
Mod R: It’s spelled y-o-i, it’s a typo apparently. Are you students? I’m…technically on a gap year I might go to uni in a year or so. You’re not a student anymore.
Mod H: I’m not a student anymore.
Mod R: You’re in the in-between place between getting a job and going to uni.
Mod H: Yeah. I am unemployed!
Mod R: I’m between coming out from education to either going to further education or a job, or both. So we’re both sorta floating right now.
Mod H: Yeah, we’re sort of in a transitional phase.
Mod R: Ha ha ha. donutmesswithme.tumblr.com-
Mod H: Good name.
Mod R: Good name. Says ‘How was your day?’ Eh, it was okay.
Mod H: You had a hot dog. It was a good day.
Mod R: Okay, yeah, I had a hot dog, that was good. Good day-a good day.
Mod H: Gourmet hot dog, good day.
Mod R: pantless-wonder.tumblr.com, shout out to you, says ‘Thoughts on My Immortal (the original fanfic, people behind it, web series, and unrelated YouTube videos claiming to be the authors)?’ So, first of all, the original fanfiction, I have not read the entire way though.
Mod H: I have read the entirety of it, ‘cos I went through a very bad Harry Potter fanfiction phase when I was younger.
Mod R: Do you believe-are you one who believes that it’s fake, that it’s a troll fic, or do you think it’s real?
Mod H: I believe it’s a particularly well-crafted troll fic.
Mod R: Really. I’m not sure? Okay, I think the biggest-okay, right, I was so sure that it was real because fanfiction used to definitely be like that, back when they used the word ‘lemon’, you know.
Mod H: Back in those days. I remember those days.
Mod R: It used to be like that! And I know kids who could’ve written that.
Mod H: I could’ve written that.
Mod R: Strange kids, yeah. What ticks off for me, and makes me think-and I’ve talked about this a lot of time, that it’s a troll fic-
Mod H: Yeah I think we’ve had this discussion.
Mod R: We’ve had this conversation a lot. Yeah. At one point, she accidentally calls Tom Riddle Tom Bombadil?
Mod H: Yeah, there’s no way-
Mod R: And here’s the thing, here’s the thing. Right. That’s not a typo, and autocorrect didn’t exist back then, okay. Tom Bombadil was a very minor character in the book The Lord of the Rings, not the movie, the books. Like, the fact that she would know such a character, like, implies-cos she said she didn’t even read the Harry Potter books and just watched the movies, she would not have read Lord of the Rings if she had not read Harry Potter.
Mod H: She would not know who Tom Bombadil-I mean, I think for me, like a lot of the language is ridiculous and over the top, and a lot of the supposed spelling errors are so-
Mod R: Like, okay, there’s a couple of thing that are like, could definitely be real but probably aren’t with the context of Tom Bombadil, like, such as, ‘I ate my Count Chocula with blood’.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: And that’s the thing that like, some emo scene kid in 200-whatever would have said, but like I think that she was just very ahead of her time in terms of like staging a fic.
Mod H: Yeah, I mean, in a lot of ways My Immortal was very much the prototype on which all previous-all later trollfics even were based.
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: Like, it became…
Mod R: It’s like the proto-trollfic.
Mod H: Basically. And one thing that I really like in myself is how well they really characterised that behind-the-scenes narrative going on, with like the friend and writing the character based on their friend out and then back in.
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: And then when the fic got ‘hacked’, and suddenly everything was all preppy because some troll had hacked them on the internet. And the way the grammar broke down as well after the supposed proofreader stopped doing it.
Mod R: But of course you’d just like delete the prep fics, wouldn’t you, if you hacked it back.
Mod H: Yeah, you wouldn’t like keep it. I mean, the whole thing’s gone now. But there’s archives. You can find it.
Mod R: Yeah, you’ll find it. Webseries. Have you seen the webseries?
Mod H: I haven’t seen it. I know it exists, but-
Mod R: Being someone involved in webseries, hint hint nudge nudge, check out the Uncanny Upshurs on youtube.com, but erm I’ve watched that with the creator of the Uncanny Upshurs, well, the co-creator, with Ingrid Nixie Greep herself, and I very much enjoyed it.
Mod H: The legend.
Mod R: I haven’t seen season two, so don’t spoil that for me. But I really liked it! It was very bare bones special effects. What they did was, when they had a wand fight near the end of it, um, when they like cast a spell, they would do like star effects, like the shape of like a star, and it’d make like a crack noise, and it was really nice because it was like stylised. The, er, unrelated YouTube videos claiming to be authors…you’ve sent me one I haven’t watched.
Mod H: I, yeah, I found one.
Mod R: That claims to be.
Mod H: It wasn’t that, it was that…the girls behind it were supposedly called Willow and Tara, and there was something with two girls saying they, like, ‘New Years 2007, but I don’t know why you celebrate New Years cos we’re all gonna die anyway’. And the fact that they had the same names as the supposed authors of My Immortal was like…people were wondering whether those were the same people.
Mod R: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mod H: As for people coming out later saying that they authored My Immortal-
Mod R: Unless JK Rowling comes out and says it, I’m not-
Mod H: Same.
Mod R: Until Jo says it.
Mod H: But like all of them are probably riding on the popularity of the fic.
Mod R: shitlordanakin.tumblr.com says ‘How did you feel the first time you saw a post of yours screenshotted on HP instagram accounts?’ We didn’t. We don’t use Instagram.
Mod H: No, neither of us actually do.
Mod R: And I’ve never seen any of our posts on Facebook. We’ve seen them on Buzzfeed?
Mod H: I’ve seen…I’ve seen a few of them on Facebook.
Mod R: I might have seen a couple now…
Mod H: Some of my friends linked me to them.
Mod R: But like, what happened usually is our friends that know about us send us screenshots before we see them. We’re fine with it, because, as long as they source us – usually, if we find someone who isn’t sourcing us we talk to them, and we’re like ‘hey, can you do that’, but like if they’re not sourcing us, we’ve made so many posts that we forget which ones are ours.
Mod H: And a couple of people have even come to us like ‘I want to set up an Instagram with and use your stuff, is that okay’ and like, it’s fine!
Mod R: And we talk to them, and we’re like, yeah, it’s cool. They had more followers than us then.
Mod H: That was good.
Mod R: But they weren’t just posting our stuff, so, it was original content as well. And Instagram, I think, is a whole different ballgame to tumblr.
Mod H: Yeah. I don’t understand it.
Mod R: Neither do I.
Mod H: lunaloveboook says-
Mod R: Aw, that’s a good-three ‘o’s, by the way.
Mod H: lunaloveboook. ‘For the podcast: 1)How did it started? 2) And I really loved when Something Big And Bad happened and you put all your efforts in reassuring people’
Mod R: So that’s one question and a statement, and-I’m gonna answer the question first, and then talk about the statement.
Mod H: Ok. Do you wanna tell this story, cos? You kinda instigated it.
Mod R: Yeah, so, I was just sending like bad Harry Potter jokes to LH.
Mod H: This happens sometimes.
Mod R: I remember walking from my school to Subway and back, to get a Subway-
Mod H: She was just sending me all these jokes, and I was replying with some.
Mod R: Yeah yeah, and we were like ‘we can make this into a blog’, and then we decided to post ten a day, we posted a few off the bat, made a tag – back then we tagged everything with ‘dank memes’ and stuff as well, so, to get to the target-
Mod H: We really didn’t know what we were doing.
Mod R: We didn’t know what we were talking-to try and get to the biggest audience.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: Nowadays, since we don’t need any help with that, we just tag with the characters involved and hope there’s some fans looking through the tags maybe.
Mod H: Yeah. Cos I mean we tag the most obscure-and we tag like full names as well, that’s obviously not, like nobody’s gonna be-
Mod R: Like, if we make a post about Draco Malfoy, then somebody might-
Mod H: But like nobody’s going to be tracking Xenophilius Lovegood – or like not a lot of people. But like ones who aren’t usually referred to by their full name, like Pomona Sprout, we tag her as that.
Mod R: Oh fuck, I didn’t even know that was her name.
Mod H: There you go.
Mod R: ‘And I really loved when Something Big And Bad happened and you put all your efforts in reassuring people’
Mod H: Thank you!
Mod R: For those of you who don’t know, this is referring to the [cough]election last year.
Mod H: [cough]America.
Mod R: Yeah, um, of a country that we’re not – that I’ve been to, a bunch of times.
Mod H: I haven’t.
Mod R: You want to go there, because you want – I’ve actually been to the theme park.
Mod H: I wanna go to Disneyland.
Mod R: Which I am incredibly privileged to have been to. Thank you? I mean like, we felt like it just wasn’t the time for jokes, you know, instead we…what happened was, Donald Trump got elected, and we were like, this is a bit crass to post jokes today, because people are going-and people sent us messages like ‘you’re overreacting’ and maybe we were a bit, but, there are a lot of people who are genuinely afraid.
Mod H: And we basically had a conversation about it that morning and we said, we’re gonna keep posting regular content but we’re also just gonna say, you know, our askbox is open. And a few asks started trickling in so we started answering, and a whole lot of asks started trickling in.
Mod R: Because we answered hundreds that day.
Mod H: Yeah, I mean, I remember having to give up at one point because my hands were cramping because I’d been typing that hard?
Mod R: Yeah, and-like, I don’t wanna big myself up. We feel like what we did anybody in our shoes would have done. Like, this isn’t something that I feel proud of – I mean, I’m proud that I’m a good enough person to have done it-
Mod H: It’s not like a huge-
Mod R: I don’t wanna be, like, praised for it, you know, like anyone in our shoes would have done this. But thank you for the question.
Mod H: And thank you for the compliment.
Mod R: wizardingviolet asks-
Mod H: It’s a good question.
Mod R: ‘Do you ship any LGBT pairing or headcanon that isn't one of the "classics" ? (like Wolfstar, Drarry and’…how do you say ‘Deamus’? Day-mus?
Mod H: Dee-mus, I go for.
Mod R: Like, Dean and Seamus, Day-mus, Dee-mus…um-
Mod H: Well, there’s an obvious answer to this one, that we both have immediately.
Mod R: Luna Lovegood and Ginny Weasley.
Mod H: Luna and Ginny.
Mod R: Luna and Ginny!
Mod H: Luna and Ginny.
Mod R: Ginny and Luna!
Mod H: Linny-Linny.
Mod R: Guna?
Mod H: I just made that up by accident but that’s the ship name now! Other than that, probably-
Mod R: Headcanons though. I have a bunch of trans headcanons.
Mod H: Oh yeah, yeah.
Mod R: Like, I like to see Luna as a trans girl but that’s only because I relate to her a lot – I don’t like necessarily think there’s any evidence for that. Not that you need evidence to believe, but like there’s no other reason for me to believe that other than I really identify with her.
Mod H: That makes sense, though.
Mod R: But like we all do that. Neville’s bi, as far as I’m concerned.
Mod H: Oh my gosh, that’s really cute.
Mod R: Neville’s bi, and like he had a crush on Harry for the first three years.
Mod H: I’ve now decided that Neville’s in like a weird polyamorous relationship with Dean and Seamus.
Mod R: Someone said, ‘RONALD WEASLEY. HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR! YOUR FATHER IS NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU DO SO MUCH AS PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, YOU WILL BE SENT STRAIGHT. HOME Oh, and accio-shitpost, dear, congratulations on reaching 100k followers. Your father and I are so proud!’
Mod H: Thank you, Molly Weasley.
Mod R: Thank you, mam! Mam!
Mod H: We didn’t know that any-
Mod R: Does this mean that we’re in a relationship with Luna Lovegood, because I’m okay with that.
Mod H: We didn’t know that any fictional characters from the Harry Potter universe were following our blog, but like-
Mod R: Nice. It’s good to hear that my mother, Molly Weasley, is a real person.
Mod H: It’s good to hear from you guys!
Mod H: Okay. briarrosebydayaurorabynight asks 'What inspired you to start the shitposting? Besides Harry Potter obviously.'
Mod R: Um.
Mod H: Honestly?
Mod R: Memes.
Mod H: Yeah, we just sort of started.
Mod R: We’ve sort of answered when we started and what caused us to start, but like what inspires us? Like, just honestly those big other shitpost accounts. Like, I’m not sure if we knew about others at the time but um, like just-shower-thoughts is a famous one that everybody sees. Um. Anonymous says ‘Have any of you ever been in love?’
Mod H: NO.
Mod R: ‘Also one of you must be gay, so who is it?’ Ok so, why must one of us be gay, and also how did you know that?
Mod H: I mean, like every other post we make is about how Ginny and Luna should be together.
Mod R: That’s true. But like, you believe that and you’re not even gay.
Mod H: I mean. Full disclosure.
Mod R: You’re also not straight.
Mod H: I am super aromantic, so like…I think that lets them know which one of us is gay here.
Mod R: I’m…a lesbian.
Mod H: But erm. Speaking for me, I’ve never had the romos.
Mod R: No. Um, I’ve been in love multiple times.
Mod H: You’re a big old softie.
Mod R: Yeah. Uh, I have a-well, I’m polyamorous and I have just like a bunch of girlfriends. Just a bunch. I’ve been in love multiple times and it sure is a trip!
Mod H: Anonymous asked, ‘How do you keep your shit posts fresh and steaming and avoid posting stale ones?’
Mod R: We don’t.
Mod H: We really don’t.
Mod R: Is the answer, we just don’t.
Mod H: We’ve definitely, by this point, repeated ourselves a couple of times.
Mod R: Right ok, there’s definitely a post we’ve done at least three times, and that is ‘I can’t believe that the reward for beating the dragon in Goblet of Fire is a screaming egg’. We’ve done that one like three times!
Mod H: But erm, to actually answer the question, there are a few times that we like, go back and-because we think we’ve made this post before, and we find that we have made this exact same post before. Word-for-word.
Mod R: Also, um, usually.
Mod H: So that’s embarrassing.
Mod R: I’m not afraid to admit that it’s you usually making shitposts these days.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: And I usually deal with like asks and stuff instead.
Mod H: I mean, we both do make shitposts, and we both do answer asks.
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: But like, primarily those are-
Mod R: Um, yeah, and what we often do it, I’ll look through the shitposts you make, and I’ll like edit them. You can-there was this one a long time ago that-
Mod H: Oh, that one’s a classic example of that happening.
Mod R: There was one that was like ‘Ron: You’re a girl right Hermione’ and Hermione was like ‘No, I’m a lizard Ronald’ and then LH had put like ‘she turned into a lizard and scuttled away’
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: And I was like, that’s like, there’s a funny gag in there but the way you put it-
Mod H: Yeah, and I posted that thinking ‘there’s something funnier in here but I just can’t unlock it’?
Mod R: Yeah, so before it posted, when it was in the queue, I edited it to say like ‘No Ronald I’m a Weasley [she meant lizard]’ and then ‘blinks sideways’. Like, because like that’s what lizards do, and that’s way funnier!
Mod H: Some of the posts come out of conversations we’ve had and I’ve worded them, that’s-
Mod R: Pretty much.
Mod H: There’s my counter-example. Like, you’ve come up with an idea when we’ve been talking-
Mod R: Like I often, we’re often just talking about Harry Potter, and then you’ll be like ‘oh shit that’s good’ and then type that down.
Mod H: Yeah, and I put it into words, and actually make it into a post, so-
Mod R: Yeah, it really is a teamwork thing.
Mod H: Yeah, it’s a team effort! Moreso than we think it is, sometimes, I think.
Mod R: whimsicalfangirlthings said, ‘How do you like your macaroni and cheese?’ Like, together.
Mod H: Cooked.
Mod R: Like, cooked.
Mod H: In a microwave, usually.
Mod R: Like, no offense whimsicalfangirlthings.tumblr.com, are there many ways to have macaroni and cheese?
Mod H: If there are, I don’t know them.
Mod R: Like, in my mouth, that’s where I like to have…I really like-Mac and cheese is maybe one of my favourite pastas. Anonymous asks, ‘How many apples does Draco eat a day?’ I don’t fucking know!
Mod H: What-what kind of?
Mod R: I know that’s a reference to like, the gif where he’s eating the apple.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: I don’t know! What does that mean, like-ok, I. Here’s, you want a funny answer? Sixty nine. There you go. Jesus Christ.
Mod H: Is that a funny answer?
Mod R: ig-ign…
Mod H: ignativs-weasley, that’s Ignatius spelled with a v instead of a u, dash Weasley-
Mod R: .tumblr.com
Mod H: Says ‘Hey! Ignativs here. I was wondering, why 1965? Your bio, I mean? Thanks. #accio100k’
Mod R: Um.
Mod H: This is-this is a long-held secret. It’s not really a secret!
Mod R: Nah, people have worked it out before.
Mod H: Many people have worked it out.
Mod R: People have asked us this, people have sent in ‘oh, I get it’, um, it’s when JK Rowling was born. Which is a bit-a bit of a nod, just to like say actually, actually we’re JK Rowling. Which is not true, we’re not actually.
Mod H: We’re-we’re not.
Mod R: ‘Which Harry Potter character(s) would you most like to have a slumber party with?’
Mod H: I mean, I think it’d be really fun to have a slumber party with Dumbledore?
Mod R: Yes, my man!
Mod H: But that would go places.
Mod R: That’d go places.
Mod H: That’d go weird places, and probably end up in death.
Mod R: The places it’d go would be like, like Voldemort Cave.
Mod H: But uh, I wouldn’t like to have a slumber party with but I’d like to have a drink with Aberforth. That’d be quite fun.
Mod R: Well no ‘cos-he’d end up fucking a goat at the slumber party. I always said Ah-ber-forth, by the way.
Mod H: Ah-ber-forth, Ay-ber-forth, I go back and forth. Eyyyyyyy.
Mod R: Eyyyyyyyy. Um, Slughorn, by the way.
Mod H: Slughorn! Slughorn-
Mod R: Because like, he does such good midnight parties!
Mod H: Let’s just have a professor party! Snape leaves, get McGonagall in here-
Mod R: Snape’s dead.
Mod H: Yeah, Snape’s dead, get McGonagall in here-
Mod R: No, I’m too scared of McGonagall.
Mod H: Ah, I think-
Mod R: I’m too scared and sexually intimidated by Minerva McGonagall.
Mod H: Ok, fair, fair. Flitwick! Flitwick would be a riot.
Mod R: Luna, by the way.
Mod H: Luna, yeah.
Mod R: And the Weasley twins.
Mod H: The Weasleys. Just all of them.
Mod R: All of them…apart from Percy, that wanker.
Mod H: I didn’t-what’s a Percy?
Mod R: Yeah, who’s Percy?
Mod H: Apologies to all Per-
Mod R: [gasp] Arthur Weasley! Because we’re Muggles, he’d love-
Mod H: That’d be really cute!
Mod R: [high voice] ‘What the fuck’s a lightbulb?’
Mod H: Let’s have a slumber party with Dobby.
Mod R: No, that’d be shit. Have you seen the one time Harry’s been asleep, and Dobby’s been there? It was Chamber of Secrets, and it was awful.
Mod H. nuevojesus-blog said, ‘What is your favourite HP book and film?’
Mod R: You go yours, I’m not sure about mine.
Mod H: Mine would be Order of the Phoenix for book, and Prisoner of Azkaban for film.
Mod R: Prisoner of Azkaban definitely for film, um, despite the fact that it misses out some of the important details, it’s definitely one of the better directed in my opinion.
Mod H: Well, I think it was definitely the last one before the books were getting far too long to adapt.
Mod R: Yeah. No offense, but the first three movies are the best.
Mod H: Yeah, the first-well, I mean, it’s-they’re different types of movies.
Mod R: And the last two are both far too long and too short, simultaneously.
Mod H: Yeah, I get what you mean by that.
Mod R: Like they put in too much stuff that they don’t need in, and they keep out too much stuff that they do need in, like a proper goodbye to the Dursleys wasn’t in. But Harry and Hermione dancing while Ron fucked off was in there.
Mod H: Yeah, like, they really left out some things that they should have had in and put in a lot of things that weren’t necessary?
Mod R: Which might be to do with the way that-I feel like the directors changed over?
Mod H: The directors did change from the first three to-
Mod R: Really. ordinarylittleme.tumblr.com asked ‘Who are you guys, also what made you decide to make this blog?’ So we’ve also sort of answered one of these, so, ‘who are you guys’, we’ve also again sort of answered. ‘What made you decide to make this blog?’ Um, for once, I had one of my wild ideas. The relationship that we have is very much-you’ll be asleep at like, to be fair at like eleven pm, okay? I used to phone LH up in the middle of the night saying ‘I’ve got this brilliant idea!’ And then every time, of course, they’d be like ‘no, that’s an awful idea.’
Mod H: To be fair, you haven’t heard some of the ideas!
Mod R: Yeah, they’re pretty bad. But this time, I was like ‘you know those jokes that we’ve been sending each other today, the Harry Potter jokes, why don’t we do a blog? Like, we could get popular!’
Mod H: And I, of course, being the practical one, I was like ‘no, that’s a terrible idea, we should never do that’
Mod R: I don’t think you were like that though, I feel like for most of the things you were like ‘uuuuh maybe’. But I think for this one you were like ‘actually, that sounds like a cool idea!’
Mod H: Well, I’m always more reluctant about a lot of these things.
Mod R: Yeah, that’s true.
Mod H: Like, I’ll admit that. Then, we just sort of did it. Like, we saved the url, after a little bit of haggling over what exactly that would be – I think whatever is our blog description, I think ‘Mischief managed’, mischief something, I can’t remember what it is, like that was gonna be the url for a bit, but then we decided on accio-shitpost, which was a good move.
Mod R: Right.
Mod H: Shitpost managed, that was what-that was what we were gonna-
Mod R: It was gonna be that for a while.
Mod H: I think that was my suggestion, and yours was accio-shitpost, and we went with accio-shitpost. So we compromised on that, and I think that was the better idea. Then, you know, we spent about a day setting up the theme.
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: And then we made it live! We just went for it! And the rest, as they say, is history.
Mod R: drearncatcher37.tumblr.com, that’s ‘dreamcatcher’ with an rn as people often do-
Mod H: So it’s like drearncatcher, technically.
Mod R: Yeah, says, ‘I have a question for the podcast. Why.’
Mod H: Good question.
Mod R: Yeah, yeah, that’s a good question.
Mod H: Good question.
Mod R: Because we’ve got nothing better to do, and we-okay, that’s a lie, we have so many things better to do, we honestly do. Anonymous said, ‘(You're my favorite blog)’ in brackets, thank-
Mod H: Thank you.
Mod R: sciencekilledmypurrmaids.tumblr.com said-
Mod H: ‘CHEESE?’
Mod R: Cheese. Um, I wanna interpret this as ‘What’s your favourite cheese?’, so – what’s your favourite cheese?
Mod H: I don’t-I don’t have a favourite cheese, I’m not a cheese connoisseur-
Mod R: I like all cheeses.
Mod H: I mostly just have cheddar cheese.
Mod R: Yeah, I mostly just have cheddar cheese.
Mod H: Or like Lancashire cheeses.
Mod R: Oh, yeah, ‘cos you’re from Lanc!
Mod H: I’m from Lancs.
Mod R: You’re a Lancer.
Mod H: That’s not-that’s not what we call it. Also fun fact! Lancashire/Yorkshire is where Neville Longbottom is supposed to be from.
Mod R: Really?
Mod H: Yeah, cos-
Mod R: He’s got-he’s got a northern accent in the movie, doesn’t he?
Mod H: In his hilariously abusive childhood, as well, he mentions getting dropped off Blackpool Pier, so-
Mod R: And of course…Harry mentions…train stations that I’ve been to.
Mod H: I still think that’s so ridiculously redundant, having to go all the way down to King’s Cross and then all the way back up to Scotland.
Mod R: Yeah, like-why don’t you just fucking Floo Powder it, you know?
Mod H: What if you already live in Scotland?
Mod R: Yeah, what does Minerva do?
Mod H: I mean, I assume Minerva just kind of stays there.
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: Although I think that is at least partially based on the childhood assumptions that teachers live at school. But in Hogwarts’ case it might actually be true! Anonymous asks, ‘'Tbh I legit expected you guys to be a shitpost account where literally nothing makes sense and it's the most ridiculous thing ever but half the things you post make Sense and ????'
Mod R: Yeah, um-the reason behind this is that anybody – and people have literally made robots to do this – can be like ‘the Marauders Map but it has a big dick’, and like-
Mod H: And we do make posts sometimes like that, that’re just like words and nonsense, but-
Mod R: But like, it loses its charm pretty quickly.
Mod H: Yeah, I-I think part of the reason we’ve had as much staying power as we’ve had is because we don’t actually make-
Mod R: We’re not actually shitposts.
Mod H: We make jokes, we make observations, like some of our posts…
Mod R: It’s observational humour.
Mod H: But some of our posts are just like, things we wanna talk about.
Mod R: What if Dobby had a big dick, you know.
Mod H: And sadposts. I-I do get a lot of joy out of making sadposts, I think most if not all of them have been mine.
Mod R: Yeah, we drain the happiness out of people.
Mod H: I-I enjoy this. I enjoy your suffering. I’m sorry.
Mod R: fangirlsneedmorebooks.tumblr.com says, 'What would you do if you were confronted by a hippogriff/dragon combo?' Poo myself.
Mod H: Probably die.
Mod R: Yeah, like, die. I’m not a wizard, I’m a muggle.
Mod H: Probably get killed by it.
Mod R: Yeah, I would die. fictionale934.tumblr.com said, 'When did you start this blog?'
Mod H: July the 6th.
Mod R: We started with my first post, ‘I name you after the two bravest men who tried to eat me, Aragog Student Loans’
Mod H: That’s still-I’m so glad we picked that one for the first one.
Mod R: And then your first one, which is my favourite one of yours ever.
Mod H: ‘Ah yes. Werewolf Werewolf and his boyfriend, Dog.’
Mod R: 'Other than this blog, what's the biggest way HP has impacted you all?', asks ronweasleywrites.tumblr.com.
Mod H: That’s an interesting question, actually.
Mod R: And also I’m gonna-I’m gonna have a bit of a segue here, people seem to think a lot of people run this blog?
Mod H: Yeah! They seem to think either there’s a lot of people-
Mod R: There’s two and a half.
Mod H: Or like one person. There’s two of us, who are the main-Mod K, who is a friend of mine, who I know in real life, and Roxie only knows from the internet-you’ve met, you’ve met once.
Mod R: The moniker ‘Mod K’ has always pissed me off, because we chose Mod R and Mod H because H and R-so like my first name begins with R, Roxie, and your last name which we’re not gonna say begins with H.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: And also I’m in Ravenclaw, you’re in Hufflepuff. There isn’t a house that begins with a K!
Mod H: I think-that’s, that’s part of the rationale, though, because she’s not a main mod, she doesn’t get a main mod name.
Mod R: That’s true.
Mod H: She’s also a Slytherin, fyi.
Mod R: Is she?
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: Well, that makes sense.
Mod H: But um, what’s the biggest way HP has impacted us?
Mod R: Um.
Mod H: You have a good one for this, so I’ll let you go first.
Mod R: So, um, I’m autistic, a lot of you know this. I’m very very involved with autism advocacy and autism rights. I never really found many characters to relate to as a child? And, upon rereading Order of the Phoenix for the first time as an adult-because usually I just read my favourite ones, and Order of the Phoenix isn’t really my favourite book, and it’s quite long, and I’ve got a really bad attention span, so I never get through it. But this one time, I was reading it, and I got to the bit where Luna was first introduced, and just the way she was described was very similar to my experiences as an autistic teenage girl, and I just started crying and crying because for the first time I’ve seen a character who was like me. And I’ve met other people who’ve said the exact same thing about when they saw Luna in Harry Potter. And I think that’s the way it’s impacted me the most apart from, like, my wallet.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: Like, I’ve bought a lot of Harry Potter merch.
Mod H: For me, I think, one of the biggest ways Harry Potter impacted me was-when I first came to secondary school…because I am a very nerdy, introverted person, I don’t really-I’m not good at like talking to people and making friends and stuff, and…I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but it definitely helped me bond with Megan. I’ve been friends with her for like ten years plus, now, and that was one of the things that we definitely built our friendship on, being a couple of dorks who really liked Harry Potter a lot, so like that’s a nice thing it’s done for me. sadie-bug82, that’s sadie dash bug 82, asks ‘What’s your favourite book and how many times have you read it?’
Mod R: Fuck if I know.
Mod H: I mean, is this like Harry Potter book?
Mod R: I don’t think it’s Harry Potter book.
Mod H: Or book forever?
Mod R: I’ve definitely listened to – because again, I’ve got a bad attention span – I’ve definitely listened to the audiobook of Philosopher’s Stone, which isn’t my favourite book, like a dozen times maybe. And my favourite book would probably be Prisoner of Azkaban, which I’ve listened to maybe five or six separate times.
Mod H: What about your favourite non-HP book?
Mod R: Fuck if I know, though. I really like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but I haven’t read that in years.
Mod H: I mean, for me, as I’ve already said, Order of the Phoenix is my favourite Harry Potter book. My favourite non-Harry Potter book?
Mod R: The Book Thief.
Mod H: The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak.
Mod R: I knew that one!
Mod H: We talked about it the other day. If you have the time, and access to a copy-
Mod R: Don’t watch the movie.
Mod H: Don’t watch the movie. The movie’s not a good adaptation. Go read the book, because it’s amazing and it changed my life, I swear to God.
Mod R: ‘I have so many questions’ says – what, what?
Mod H: takes-one-to-no-one-cares, with dashes between each word.
Mod R: Ah, right. I get it, I get it. Takes one to no one cares, that’s clever. 'I have so many questions! I'd love to know how y'all’ [in American accent] ‘I’d love to know how y’all met! J’
Mod H: How-how did we meet?
Mod R: Um…
Mod H: Let’s…
Mod R: We’re actually at the place we met.
Mod H: Yeah, this is…
Mod R: Four year anniversary.
Mod H: Four year anniversary, high five.
[High five noise.]
Mod H: We met…in this place, and for those of you who are-
Mod R: I don’t really wanna say what it is, because it’s like a bit personal.
Mod H: Yeah, but for those of you who are not listening in at the window right now, it’s like an event that we went to a couple of times.
Mod R: Yeah, it’s like-it’s not like a convention or anything, it’s nothing embarrassing, it’s just a bit personal.
Mod H: Yeah, we’d just rather not go into it.
Mod R: We met, because, um, a girl who I’d met the year before, who I was in a relationship with for a year, she’d just broken up with me, because she didn’t feel it was right, and I was like ‘yeah that’s fair’, but I was still very sad about it, you know, and I saw somebody with a Homestuck t-shirt across the room.
Mod H: And that person…was Albert Einstein. Funnily enough that was actually the second time that had happened within like ten minutes, cos – this is the way I tell the story – I was just kinda hanging round waiting for the thing we were at to start and two girls came over to me like ‘hey, I like your t-shirt’, you know, ‘is that a Homestuck thing?’ and we got chatting, and that wasn’t Roxie, and then another couple came along and that was Roxie, and we have been talking ever since, basically.
Mod R: We had a pun-off.
Mod H: We had a pun-off, that cemented our relationship. I have a vivid memory of sitting in a restaurant with my family, texting you bad puns under the table.
Mod R: 'Hope I'm not being annoying & clogging up your asks' You're not, anonymous. 'But what are your opinions on the drama of OoTP with Molly and Sirius duking it out on 'Who is the Less Problematic Replacement Parent for Harry?' Got those receipts. ‘I'm personally on Team Molly Needs To Chill, but my friends are on Team Sirius Is Literally A Criminal Who Thinks Harry Is James.' Okay so, the criminal bit isn’t so bad because, by definition, Molly is also a criminal.
Mod H: Also like Sirius was imprisoned for a crime he literally did not commit, like we know this as a fact.
Mod R: Molly is married to somebody who was infiltrating the government. That’s a fact. And she has children who are infiltrating the government-
Mod H: She was also, herself, involved in a resistance movement against the government, like, they’re criminals the same.
Mod R: And like even before Deathly Hallows this is the case.
Mod H: Yeah, yeah.
Mod R: But the issue is Sirius does think Harry is James. The problem with their relationship is both Harry and Sirius are using each other as a replacement for James.
Mod H: Yeah, absolutely. And like in that situation, Sirius cannot encourage Harry to be like James. Sirius shouldn’t encourage Harry to be reckless, because he in some-because he is in some genuinely dangerous situations.
Mod R: And don’t get me wrong-not only, when we’re saying James we don’t just mean Dad James, as a replacement for Dad James, we mean as a replacement of the cool lad James that Harry would have wanted to be friends with.
Mod H: Because like-
Mod R: However, right, Harry is using Molly as a replacement for Lily, or James, like gender doesn’t matter I guess-
Mod H: Generally parents.
Mod R: Here’s the thing – Molly isn’t using Harry as a replacement for a dead child or Percy or anything, even though Percy does leave, she’s just a mum, and she feels-she has a profound motherhood for Harry.
Mod H: I mean, I think my personal opinion lies somewhere between the two because like-
Mod R: Oh sure.
Mod H: All of the things we’ve said, but in the context of that specific scene, Molly was withholding information from Harry that was relevant to him, and it’s not like that’s ever been a problem in Harry’s past before, am I right?
Mod R: And Molly’s done some shitty things before to Hermione, in er Goblet of Fire-
Mod H: Personally I really like that scene, just for showing like the depth of Molly.
Mod R: Everyone sins, yeah, she’s a very deeply written character.
Mod H: None of these people are perfect, like her heart’s in the right place, she’s just sometimes overprotective.
Mod R: And same for Sirius! But-
Mod H: The other way.
Mod R: Even that, but-he’s missing out on this context of Harry’s life, and Molly said this, like this obviously isn’t Sirius’ fault but, and the ways she said it kind of implied that it was, but Molly saw the later years of Harry’s life. Sirius was introduced very late into Harry’s life.
Mod H: Sirius has known Harry for two years at this point, Molly’s known him since basically the start of when we first see him, at age 11.
Mod R: Like, as far as the wizarding world is concerned, yeah.
Mod H: And that does make a difference, and that’s not Sirius’ fault obviously.
Mod R: And of course Sirius has technically known Harry longer, but it’s not the same.
Mod H: I also think the problem, as well, is that Sirius is still in that mindset he was in when he was like twenty one. Because he’s lost all of these years to Azkaban and he basically comes out and there’s James 2.0. So naturally he goes back to the way he was acting.
Mod R: Like he comes out and there’s this kid who looks exactly like the boy who died, his best friend who died, and probably the man he loved who died. Give me that story instead of Snape loving Lily, by the way, give me that!
Mod H: JK Rowling! But yeah.
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: But thanks for that question, anon, because that was really interesting to talk about.
Mod R: Now, here’s a question responding to one of our posts, anonymous asked, ‘But was there anything specifically saying Voldemort /wasn't/ wearing a party hat?’ Uh…
Mod H: Technically no.
Mod R: There probably is actually.
Mod H: Yeah. ‘The light glimmered off his shiny bald head’.
Mod R: Yeah, exactly, lines like that, and also he can’t wear it under Quirrell’s turban.
Mod H: Oh. What if Quirrell was wearing a party hat, like at Christmas?
Mod R: Well it wouldn’t be a party hat, it’d be a Christmas hat.
Mod H: Okay. Like, Dumbledore’s birthday party-
Mod R: Also, bringing in some very very-
Mod H: Oh, here we go.
Mod R: Minute lore of Harry Potter – they don’t have Christmas cracker crowns in the wizarding world-
Mod H: That’s true, that’s true.
Mod R: They have regular hats that come out of crackers. And actual mice and stuff, and explosions.
Mod H: But they could’ve-I really wish they’d brought that in the movies, to be honest.
Mod R: Oh, fuuuuuuuck.
Mod H: That scene would’ve been so good.
Mod R: So goooood! antifacistmutsuki says, 'what are yall hogwarts and ilvermorny houses and wands' Hogwarts are Ravenclaw.
Mod H: And Hufflepuff.
Mod R: And Ilvermorny, fuck off I don’t care.
Mod H: I remember I got the Hufflepuff of Ilvermorny.
Mod R: I was like-I was really interested and then I saw the name and was like, I don’t care anymore. Thunderbird, that’s what I remember.
Mod H: I can’t remember my wand. I think mine was laurel?
Mod R: kimpossibleandme said 'Can I become a mod on here?' No. Sorry. We don’t take admissions. We don’t take submissions-we don’t even take submissions, you can’t be a moderator.
Mod H: We’ve made it a policy from the start that we only post posts that we make ourselves, or sometimes that our close personal friends do. It’s not really-it’s not anything against you.
Mod R: And when we say close personal friends, we’re not even saying favouritism, it’s like someone’s come up to us and said ‘hey, here’s a thing’ and then we’re like ‘can I use that as a shitpost’.
Mod H: Yeah, often that is the case, or like we’re talking about it or something like that.
Mod R: So no, you can’t be a mod on here. Sorry. Uh. Anonymous said, ‘I like my gilrs’ not girls, gilrs ‘how I like my Dumbledore. Headmasters.' Okay! Let’s leave.
Mod H: Let’s leave.
Mod R: I didn’t need to know that. Um, ihazgiantcheezburga.tumblr.com, that’s haz with a z, cheez c-h-e-e-z, b-u-r-g-a, ‘Draco Malfoy was a Mary Sue.’ No he wasn’t.
Mod H: No, not really.
Mod R: That’s like, done.
Mod H: Not at all, actually.
Mod R: Here’s your Harry Potter advice segment! ‘Draco Malfoy was a Mary Sue’ No, he wasn’t.
Mod H: No.
Mod R: He had many character flaws. He was incredibly rich…Harry Potter was a Mary Sue, absolutely.
Mod H: I mean, the concept of a Mary Sue-
Mod R: Is bullshit, it was just misogyny, wasn’t it. It was just, here’s a female character that I don’t like because she’s got so many-
Mod H: Well, no.
Mod R: People say that about Rey from Star Wars, and what they mean is that she’s as good at the Force as Luke was.
Mod H: The-the original meaning of Mary Sue though was a fanfic character who was impossibly perfect and probably dating Captain Kirk, or whatever.
Mod R: Me too.
Mod H: And that slowly just sort of became a character who I think is too perfect regardless fo anything-
Mod R: Well, Harry is a bit too perfect, he’s got a lot of character-
Mod H: He’s got a lot of flaws, like-
Mod R: He’s got a lot of those things that people in fanfics give them, like you don’t even need to give Harry an immense fortune for your, like, Bastard King fic, because he’s already got that, you know, he’s already got-
Mod H: Where he’s a secret Pureblood king, well…
Mod R: pixycaterino says, ‘Have y’all’ [bad American accent] ‘Have yall ever cosplayed? oh anD WHAT ARE YOUR WANDS’ We can’t do the wands one. I don’t know!
Mod H: We…yeah.
Mod R: Like, everyone’s like ‘what are your wands’, it’s not a question like ‘what’s your MBTI type’ or ‘what house are you in’.
Mod H: ‘What sign are you.’
Mod R: Or like ‘What’s your God Tier’ in Homestuck, or like what Pokemon Go team you’re on. It’s not like that, it’s like what piece of fucking wood do you use to cast magic, oh wait you don’t because you’re not a fucking wizard and you don’t have one of those. Like, Houses are sorted into-like, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry to whoever asked this, I’m not angry at you, I promise. But like people ask this question, and I don’t get it because there isn’t any like basis – there might be, like, subtext but there is no basis like personality and intellectual traits on what kind of wand you get. There isn’t houses-so like, if you’re very loyal, chances are you’re a Hufflepuff, if you’re very friendly, you’re loyal, you stick true to your friends, you’re probably a Hufflepuff.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: If you’re very brave, you’re courageous, you like justice a lot then you’re probably a Gryffindor. If you think things through, and you might not be smart but you’re like, you spend a lot of time thinking about things-
Mod H: Not like intellectual but you’re like wise, logical.
Mod R: Yeah, like you think things through, or you place a lot of emphasis on waiting things out then you’re probably a Ravenclaw, and if you’re ambitious, and like maybe you put the team before the person, then maybe you’re a Slytherin, you know.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: But for wands it’s just like ‘oh like I’m good at Transfiguration’.
Mod H: Like me and my friend both did the wand test, and we got almost identical results because we’re about the same height, age…
Mod R: Yeah, exactly.
Mod H: Physical appearance…it is pretty much a randomly generated thing, it’s not like deeply based. Like you could argue that the Hogwarts house quiz is based on actual stuff, but-
Mod R: I’m sure there’s some subtext to what wands characters get, like red wood means something in-
Mod H: Well are in characters, but the thing is like if you use the Pottermore-
Mod R: In the movies, in the movies, Dumbledore-uh, Voldemort’s looks like its bone. And of course that’s because he’s a deadly character, he’s very spooky, but like I don’t have that, I’m not an important character in the Harry Potter universe.
Mod H: Yeah, that’s the movie characters.
Mod R: I don’t have an arc.
Mod H: Like, the Pottermore wand test is just-
Mod R: How tall are you, what hand do you use, how many fingers do you have on your right foot.
Mod H: What?
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: As to the other, ‘have y’all ever cosplayed’…
Mod R: Yeah.
Mod H: Yes. We have.
Mod R: I’ve cosplayed as…I mean, I wore Ravenclaw robes last time I went to a convention. Other than that, I’ve cosplayed Chell from Portal, Roxie Lalonde…who have you cosplayed?
Mod H: I’ve cosplayed Jane Crocker from Homestuck.
Mod R: That was by accident, wasn’t it?
Mod H: No, I did it deliberately once. Booker DeWitt from Bioshock-
Mod R: That was good.
Mod H: And Doctor Linksano from Atop the Fourth Wall, which-
Mod R: Yeah, well that’s awful, that’s awful.
Mod H: For anyone in our audience who knows what that is…
Mod R: Hit me up.
Mod H: Hit me up. Cos, guys. Guys.
Mod R: brighterthantherain said 'I'd love to see some the MBTI types as x posts' Well, here’s the thing. No?
Mod H: No.
Mod R: Like, I’m sorry, we don’t mean to be rude.
Mod H: That takes a lot of work, that’s the only thing as well.
Mod R: If we sound rude, we’re just trying to be funny, and honestly we’re sorry if we offend people. Um, but like, it takes a lot of work-I don’t really understand all of the MTBI types.
Mod H: No.
Mod R: And also people are more likely to call you out for that kind of thing?
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: People will be like ‘oh you don’t understand the MBTI things’ like no I don’t! I didn’t major in Psychology!
Mod H: Like, that would take a lot of time and effort and dedication just for one post, which we don’t currently have, or-and we definitely don’t have the motivation to do all that research.
Mod R: ‘Surprise beautiful person!’ says anonymous. ‘Once you get this, you must put it into at least 8 people’s asks (anonymously) who deserve it. If you break the chain, nothing bad will happen, but it’s nice to know that someone thinks you’re beautiful inside and out. Help spread anon love, not hate! Love you. <3’ Thank you! We appreciate these-we never pass them on.
Mod H: We don’t pass them on.
Mod R: I never pass on these.
Mod H: Yeah, my days of passing on stuff like this are long gone.
Mod R: I’ve never done them.
Mod H: I did a while back.
Mod R: Nuh uh. Um, this is an interesting question, anonymous said – and they’re asking this as if we’re some like, we’re the figurehead of Harry Potter, which is really nice.
Mod H: Like we have any say in it.
Mod R: We’re JK Rowling. Anonymous said, ‘Idk if you can answer this but, can exist a three headed dog's patronus?’ Yes, probably.
Mod H: Probably.
Mod R: Somebody-I read on the wiki somewhere that somebody I know historically had a giant as their patronus.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: So like, a three headed dog isn’t that unlikely. Like, wolves can be. A werewolf can be.
Mod H: Like, a three headed dog is a creature in the Harry Potter universe.
Mod R: Anonymous said, ‘are you a feminist?’ Actually, I hate women. I fucking hate them. No, we’re feminists, yeah.
Mod H: Yeah, I-I think we’d identify that way.
Mod R: Pretty much. If anything I wouldn’t want-the only reason I wouldn’t want to identify as the label ‘feminist’ is because we have some views so far left wing that even feminists often disagree with them. And that’s a particular thing, like because I’m a trans woman, there’s a whole huge sect of feminists – and I’m not generalising – there is a huge group of feminists who exclude trans women called trans exclusionary feminists, there’s a bunch of transmisogynistic feminists who think trans women don’t deserve a place in feminism or anywhere belonging to women. Which is one of the only reasons we wouldn’t want to label ourselves feminists. But if someone was like ‘oh feminism’s about this, like, only these kind of people can be feminists’, I’d be like, ‘I’m a feminist and that’s wrong.’ Like I use that label sparingly, but when I need it. And I don’t not use it because I’m embarrassed, because I tote my beliefs strongly.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: freaki, with an I as in f-r-e-a-k-i, freakithechaos said ‘uh.. hello! *waves awkwardly*’ That’s cute. ‘uhm.. I'm not sure if this was discussed already but, why doesn't Umbridge love McGonagall? I mean, Umbridge LOVES cats and McGonagall's animagus is a cat ... so she basically IS a cat, isn't she? o.o’
Mod H: I mean, that’s not quite how that works.
Mod R: That’s not really how that works.
Mod H: I mean, cos Umbridge represents all McGonagall hates-
Mod R: Because Umbridge isn’t just a furry!
Mod H: And vice versa.
Mod R: McGonagall’s meant to be Umbridge’s foil, she was portrayed as that.
Mod H: Or, well, the other way round, because Umbridge was introduced later, but you know.
Mod R: Well, like, I mean, as the villain.
Mod H: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Mod R: Like, Dumbledore is not Umbridge’s foil – I think narratively, that’s one of the reasons they get Dumbledore out of the picture?
Mod H: Umbridge is basically evil mirrorverse McGonagall, like-
Mod R: Yeah, yeah.
Mod H: McGonagall gone completely wrong.
Mod R: And this is literally true in the Cursed Child, like, Cursed Child spoilers coming up here.
Mod H: That is quite interesting.
Mod R: In Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, Minerva McGonagall is the headmistress of Hogwarts, but in – again, spoilers coming up so like skip forward – but in the alternate universe, Umbridge is the headmistress, and she is, like, she has very little regard for but great interest in Scorpius, whilst the opposite is true for McGonagall, where she actually goes out of her way to not be interested in order to maintain Albus and Scorpius’ relationship, mainly because she’s seen generations of Potters falling in love and not getting their way. Um, anonymous said, ‘I always see yall’ [American accent] ‘using ur powers of being a popular blog with lots of followers’ I always do that with y’all, by the way, I’m not just doing that for a random reason, ‘and high visibility for good. thanks A+ keep up the good work’
Mod H: Thank you!
Mod R: Thank you, we really appreciate it.
Mod H: We were a bit iffy at first, about like starting to post more politics and signal boosts and donations and stuff, initially at least, but we basically decided that we’ve got a lot of followers, we can’t really not. We’ve got an obligation to, in this political climate.
Mod R: Another thing is – we get a lot of questions like this a lot, and we don’t answer them, and it’s not because we don’t like them. We love them.
Mod H: Yeah. They fuel us!
Mod R: Yeah. One, we don’t want to tote how great people we are. It’s quite narcissistic to be like-cos we get plenty of people who are like ‘fuck you’ as well.
Mod H: Yeah.
Mod R: Like, it’s not often, but there are people, but like whatever, you’re you, I don’t care. But like one, we don’t want to clog it up with that. Two, we want to keep relatively interesting asks being put out, compared to like ‘ah you’re great!’ ‘ah you’re great!’, again which is a bit narcissistic.
Mod H: Usually, the asks we answer are like admin-related, like we’re introducing a new tag or whatever, or interesting questions, or occasionally like funny things that pique our interest.
Mod R: Yeah, and um the third reason is, um, we like looking at them!
Mod H: Yeah!
Mod R: Like, our inbox doesn’t fill that fast, we don’t get dozens of asks a day, we get a couple-
Mod H: We get a fair amount a week, I’d say.
Mod R: We get five a week at least.
Mod H: Yeah, about that, on average.
Mod R: But-but when stuff happens, we get dozens.
Mod H: Yeah, when we ask for asks or when it’s obvious that we’re answering them we get quite a few.
Mod R: Yeah, yeah, so like we like seeing them! So when we refresh our inbox, if there’s nothing new in there, we get to see that one again and that’s nice. 'Someday,' says anonymous, 'I would like to know who's ran this blog and their personal tumblrs.' Too bad.
Mod H: We’re telling you nothing about us!
Mod R: I might eventually reveal mine, Mod H is not so keen.
Mod H: I don’t really wanna reveal my personal tumblr just cos, like-some people who follow me can probably guess because I make it quite obvious on my personal. But there’s about like five people I actually know on there.
Mod R: Mine’s pretty easy to work out, if you’ve got all the clues, which-all the clues are on the blog, if you go back far enough and look through all the tags…
Mod H: I think if you specifically went sleuthing through the blog to find out who we were, you probably could find that, with a bit of-
Mod R: And probably like, our close friends as well, from the beginning.
Mod H: Yeah, like our close friends and people we know.
Mod R: Luckily, a lot of the first posts – this wasn’t an intentional effort, but we’ve reblogged them in events and stuff, ‘hey look here’s our first post’ and we’ve washed out all the original reblogs which would have been to ours and our friend’s blogs, to promote the blog. Anonymous said ‘ALEXANDER HAMILTON!’ I don’t understand that.
Mod H: I probably made-I’m the one who’s seen Hamilton – well not seen it, I’ve listened to it.
Mod R: You’re going to see it.
Mod H: I’m going to see it!
Mod R: Lucky shit.
Mod H: I’m quite excited about that! I got really lucky with that.
Mod R: Okay, so, anonymous said ‘They do. It’s called Hogsmeade.’ So, like, I’m sure this was a response to a post, but here’s the thing – we don’t know what post this was a response to because we make ten a day.
Mod H: And by the time your ask has come in, it’s like a day later at least.
Mod R: From context of another ask, I think it’s–did we have a Starbucks, that Starbucks hasn’t opened a-
Mod H: Possibly. It might have been something along those lines, I can’t remember. I know that is a specific one, but I can’t remember what it was.
Mod R: Because someone asked us another one about magical instant coffee. Shout out to you, authoraiya. 'Which ships do u ship? like either canon or noncanon xx' Uh, all of them.
Mod H: Well, not all of them.
Mod R: Scorbus, sort of, but like also I don’t like shipping kids. Like I wish that they would-
Mod H: In a very-
Mod R: Have gotten together. I wish that Credence would have gotten a boyfriend. Because I think he was coded gay in Fantastic Beasts.
Mod H: I mean for me, erm, I don’t really ship generally. I ship Wolfstar kind of, Scorbus kind of-
Mod R: Wolfstar-well, I think I ship Wolfstar, a lot.
Mod H: Ginny and Luna.
Mod R: So that’s all the asks that we got, and a couple more.
Mod H: And a few more that we found from the archive.
Mod R: I’m gonna, just like the McElroys, I’m gonna leave you with another ask. Anonymous says, ‘What’s with y’all and micropigs though?’
Mod H: And with that, we’re out.
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Earthworld
Some highlights of the last EDA I’ve read (Earthworld).
I took these screens while reading, along with my reactions. As usual, this is full of spoilers.
This is exactly what everyone needed after the Earth arc, and especially after Escape Velocity and Anji’s lackluster characterisation. She’s reintroduced in this book, and what a wonderful addition to that TARDIS team! And the book tackles the topic of Dave’s death, where the previous one kinda refused to do so before sending Anji directly into space.
Come to think of it, the book tackles a lot of things it didn’t have to, and succeeds, too. Eight’s responsability in the destruction of Gallifrey constantly threatens to make a comeback in his mind. The issue of Fitz being a copy of the original Fitz is discussed at last - a thing all the books since Interference failed to do properly (including The Ancestor Cell). Come to think of it, Earthworld might just be the best Fitz book so far, which is a baffling thing to me considering that’s his twentieth book!
The plot itself is mostly a good runaround in an amazingly fun setting - it never really threatens to be more than that, but it’s still pretty refreshing. It’s a great standalone book, a fun romp, a very good character piece ; it works on nearly every level. What a breath of fresh air. 8,5/10
My bad, I seem to have picked the novelisation of An Unearthly Child.
We’re only on page one and I’ve already laughed out loud once. Good sign.
I just had a flashback of the scene from Memory Lane where Charley tries to use a mobile phone, and I imagined these two dorks trying to have a conversation over mobile phones and I’m giggling
Also Anji thinking Fitz and Eight are embarrassing idiots gives me life
This is a 3 out of 10 on the scale of Bad Ideas.
WE’RE ONLY THREE PAGES INTO THIS STORY AND I’VE ALREADY SAID “IDIOTS” THREE TIMES
Oh my god Eight
Thank you for your precious contribution Doctor
FITZ NO
Are you telling me that the Doctor can only use the sonic as long as he’s distracted and babbling about special interests now
Because that really speaks to me as a person
Meanwhile Anji is trying to cope with Dave’s death by writing him emails and this shouldn’t be that funny
Oh no he still has some memories of Sam and he doesn’t realise it
Okay so I need to make this t-shirt right now immediately
One thing I don’t really like about the writing is that some dialogues are entirely one-sided. It’s not the best example, but in some scenes you only get half the dialogue and it’s very strange.
We’re all very happy for you Doctor but why are you so happy about that
OH SHIT HAHAHA that’s a great idea!
Wait a f█cking second
Is this some sort of Disneyland very loosely based on Earth
I love you Anji
That girl must be a New Who fan who calls Ten “the second Doctor” probably
I probably should smile but I’m actually sad
That coat has only a few hours left to live & I have zero doubts about this
Here’s a better example of what I was saying earlier about having only one side of a dialogue. It makes scenes shorter, true, but it’s very distracting.
I’m laughing but I’m also pretty sure people from 3000 years ago would laugh their asses off if they could see some of our reconstructions of their lives
I still love you Anji
1) A++ description of McGann’s voice
2) That last bit was Not Okay
Also here’s Anji trying to determine which Jungle Book character suits the Doctor best and it looks like a long shitpost
First I laughed about Fitz being the orang-utan, and then I remembered that character really wants to be human and I abruptly stopped laughing
You were on Earth and you didn’t see Blade Runner when it came out? Aw
“he mentally kicked himself for not even being able to look at a babe without thinking of the Doctor” I’m screaming
How did you guess
Only every three months?
Considering it’s been 30 books since Seeing I, and taking into account the fact that I almost wrote “TOO SOON”, we can safely assume that I will never, ever be over Seeing I
I absolutely love this conversation, and also sky-blue pink is still a color, just an impossible one, and it’s quite pretty
Holy sHIT TALK ABOUT MOOD WHIPLASH
OH NOOOO, HELP, CUTE
THIS SHOULDN’T BE THAT F█CKING FUNNY
HE JUST SLIPPED IN THE DAMN BLOOD WHY AM I LAUGHING SO HARD
Unfortunately this is what popped first into my mind before the most logical explanation for their names
9847221° friendly reminder that I absolutely love Eight
FITZ NO
This book makes me laugh way too often this isn’t fair
Oh the indignity
Fitz no. Just. No.
I just choked on my cereals
1) They think Aristophanes plays are cookbooks and they aren’t even questioning this, like, how does that fucking work
2) Fitz once got trapped in the classical section of the TARDIS library
3) for two days
4) for two DAYS
5) and decided to read old plays just in case there was some sex scenes in them
holy shit
there’s genuine tears of laughter in my eyes
This book is quite the emotional rollercoaster isn’t it
Okay so that explains quite a few things. Fitz is with the originals, then.
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE YOU’RE A ROCK STAR FITZ KREINER
I shouldn’t be laughing so hard
I’m still laughing but I’m also so happy for him
Live the dream, Fitz, live the dream
Well except it wasn’t technically you, except it was, except it wasn’t
HOLY SHIT ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO ADDRESS THIS PROPERLY?!
NOT
F█CKING
ALLOWED
OUCH
Addressing a disturbing trend in SF! Good!
Well to be fair, theropods are sorta like big swans
1) Eggy-put Zone
2) Dozens of cats
Hey wait a f█cking second that’s not the same sphinx okay that’s a whole different mythology, also I’m laughing again, this book is probably adding quite a few extra months to my lifespan
Friendly reminder that I love Anji
Which would definitely work on you, Doctor, just a reminder
Meanwhile, in Not Okay Land
At the moment? Not much
I... sorry there’s a thing in my eye
I’m so happy for him
HA HAHAHA
SPOKE TOO SOON F█CK
Back to a place I haven’t been to in a long time, aka “want to hug Fitz and rock back and forth” street
Meanwhile Fitz is doing the same thing to a small crocodile
STORY OF MY F█CKING LIFE
Listen Eight I'm still not ready for The Turing Test references at this point and you’re making me really sad so please stop
Here’s a quick update on the “Johannes loves Anji” situation
Keep this poster for the TARDIS
Something is extremely wrong
Meanwhile, in “Eight finds new and interesting ways to hurt himself”
Oh so that Fitz was an android, then.
Every time I think this book can’t get more bonkers, I’m proven wrong
I would pay money to see a tv version of this damn scene
I shouldn’t laugh but I can’t help it
“HE WAS GOING TO HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE WAS DOING WHILE HE WAS DISTRACTED”
Unexpected Dark Eyes: The Great War feels
WE HAVE A WINNER, FOLKS
I DON’T THINK FITZ IS EVER GOING TO BEAT THAT AS FAR AS “EMBARRASSING MOMENTS” GO, THAT ONE PUTS “GETTING MUGGED BY A UNICORN FOR A CHOCOLATE BAR” TO SHAME
His life is so full of horrible things that his only reaction to being locked up in a cell with a corpse is “at least it’s not rotting yet”.
Oh shit they found about the TARDIS that can’t be good
“Nothing good could possibly be called ‘the machine’”
NOT. F█CKING. OKAY.
This is stressful but also fascinating??
Good. Good.
You’re not telepathic Fitz Kreiner so I doubt she got all that
I completely forgot he had lost his trousers and now I’m laughing again
Told ya
You can’t swim? You can’t swim?? You go through time and space and you can even spacewalk but you can’t swim????
Anji is unexpectedly strong
I’m so happy he still remembers Iris on some level even if he couldn’t recognise her in Father Time
1) Hugs
2) Hugs are good
3) Anji huddled in Eight’s velvet coat
4) “he seemed to count in her head as another girl”
Filed under “need to draw at some point”
Marlin and Lancelet
I have no words
Eight plays “Marlin” because of course he is
Also I’m not screening everything but Anji was brilliant
BAD IDEA
VERY BAD IDEA
9 OUT OF 10 ON MY SCALE OF BAD IDEAS
FOR ONCE I AGREE WITH FITZ
NOOOOOOO
This is so damn weird. Funny and stressful at the same time.
Eight is reliving the memories of the dead queen and it is so f█cking weird
In a good way but still
YES BUT I DON’T WANT TO ALARM ANYONE BUT THEY WERE STILL CONNECTED TO THE THING SO I EXPECT SOME SIDE-EFFECTS
HAHAHA
Also “to Fitz’s incredulous horror”
Uh guys
Guys if he thinks he’s dead now, shouldn’t you worry about that or something
I told yoU GODDAMMIT
“quietly pleased”
Oh, that explains quite a lot, actually.
I just realised Anji’s was only coping thanks to pure adrenaline and constant distractions since Dave’s death and she’s inevitably going to crack sooner or later once everything is solved here.
AND STRAIGHT BACK TO THE BAD IDEAS
Hmmm cute?? Not acceptable? Thank you
The TARDIS did a very good job and all is well.
Every time that happened before, that person died, Fitz
Crisis averted.
I’m getting surprisingly emotional about all this
Well I’m really f█cking sad now
Don’t make me cry please Anji oh no
The butterfly room is still there but is now empty after all the butterflies were nailed to that door in The Ancestor Cell and I’m getting teary but also kinda happy, this feeling is extremely confusing
A++ ending, goddammit that last scene was wonderful
#Eighth Doctor#Fitz Kreiner#Anji Kapoor#eighth doctor adventures#Earthworld#EDAs#doctor who#long post#An EDA liveblog full of useless comments#gif#caps lock#violence tw#sex mention tw#(very mild)#(but better safe than sorry)
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Fanfic- Deeper Tombs and Scarier Horrors: A Memoir
me: im not really for all that ballast shitposting stuff, its just not for me
also me: writes 1000+ word crackfic on Ballast McGee
Basically, this is the result of me finally watching the Tomb of Horrors Perspective B stream (which was amazing) and seeing all the parallels that could be made with TI. So I wrote this.
Gen. Canon AU. Probably need to see the stream to get the jokes
AO3 Link Here
Ashe can count on one hand how many times she’s seen Markus get up early. She doesn’t need any fingers because he never gets up earlier than needed. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he and Kyr would stay up late at night, inventing and exploding shit from dusk till dawn.
So it was a surprise when Ashe was woken from her meditation by Markus tripping out of the bar, hurriedly putting on a shoe. His cape was in disarray, a weird image on the usually immaculate Markus Velafi™.
“Markus?” She coughed, her voice scratchy for a moment.
He jumped, head whipping to see Ashe in her tree. His shoulders relaxed when he saw it was her.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
Ashe stared at him. “I sleep here. What are you doing up at this hour?”
He straightened himself out, dusting himself off of the non-existent dust that was on his pants. “I… I am going to a book signing.”
Ashe frowned. “Another one for Aesling, the Neck Stabber?”
“No, no, no… although we may be in need of an anniversary tour…” A groan from Ashe broke his train of thought. “Oh, right. I’m, um… I’m going to someone else’s book signing.”
“Oh.” She immediately wiped the dissatisfaction off her face. “An author friend of yours?”
“… Yeah, you could say that.”
She nodded, too tired and wanting to go back to meditating to hear the hesitancy in his voice. “Well, have fun, try not to be tempted to cut through the Prison of Lights.”
He laughed. “Oh trust me, I wouldn’t dream of going through there alone.”
---
Markus fell to his knees on the soft grass, panting, the roar of the monster lingering behind him.
“Okay… now I’m really never going to go through the Prison of Lights alone again,” he muttered to himself.
Picking himself off, he dusted himself off before making his way to the tavern which was holding this special book signing. The author, if Markus could even call him that, had somehow managed to get a book signing tour of the Free Isles. Why couldn’t he ever get that!? His books were far better! He made a mental note to talk to his agent as he walked into the tavern.
The place was nearly normal, with normal bar patrons milling around and soft music played by a spirit folk with an instrument Markus had never seen before. However, unlike usual, a corner of the place was taken over by an asshole in a cowboy hat.
A familiar face sat at the table, which had a nice purple table cloth covering it. A large cardboard cutout with five people smiling, with the main character, in the middle, stood to the side. The table was surrounded by copies of the book, Deeper Tombs and Scarier Horrors: A Memoir. The cover was of a green demon head with a huge mouth open wide, with dripping red letters showing the title and the author.
Ballast Fucking McGee.
“Ah, Markus Velafi-”
“Shut up and take my money,” Markus said with a scowl, thrusting the bills in his adversary’s face. The other man chuckled, taking it.
“Alright, alright, I see.” He handed the money to someone else working the register then grabbed a book and purple marker. “What should I write in here, girl?”
“Fuck you.”
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalrighty.” Ballast took his time writing “To My Biggest Fan, Fuck you. – Ballast McGee.” If Markus wasn’t so angry, he would be impressed with the flowing cursive and large, looping letters Ballast used, making it look almost like the calligraphy he’d seen on his travels.
Ballast handed him the book with a smirk. “Happy reading!”
“Oh, I won’t enjoy it.” Markus took the book from his hands, moving over to the side and sitting down, right in front of the cut out before cracking open the book.
Ballast just turned to face the next person in line, putting on his signature smirk and getting out his pen. He had gotten through three more people when Markus burst out shouting.
“My god, you have some nerve! Now you’re copying my life as well!”
For once, in the entire existence Markus had known Ballast, the smirk was gone and he looked confused.
“But…girl… it’s true.”
Markus stared at him, fingernails starting to leave indents in the pages with how hard he was gripping it. “You have a dangerous underground catacomb, a party of 5, and a fucking Tiefling.”
Ballast continued the confused stare. “… But it is true.”
“THIS IS JUST THE PRISON OF LIGHTS!” Some people on line and in the bar stared at him as he threw up his hands in the air, the book falling ungracefully into his lap, but he didn’t care. Ballast had gotten under his skin one too many times, but this was the last straw.
Ballast just looked at him. “Girl, I have no idea what that is. The Tomb of Horrors is real.”
Markus frowned before going back to reading. The author went back to signing and chatting with his fans, getting in a couple more autographs before he heard Markus grumbling. Pages flipped between his fingers as he skimmed the book, brows furrowing more and more as he read.
“None of this could’ve happened!” he exclaimed. “How could this have happened to you?”
Ballast shrugged this time keeping the smirk. “Well, all I know is it’s true. That’s why it’s called a memoir, girl.”
Markus made like he didn’t hear that. “But these characters!”
“These people are real-”
“Who the fuck would call someone Vary Dashing? A bad author, that’s who.”
“Forsooth! Hark! And Verily! I hear someone speaking ill of us!”
Markus looked up, as did Ballast, and as his smirk grew, the tiefling’s jaw dropped open.
Four people, a tiefling, a gruff looking middle-aged man, a man in a turban and… Markus wasn’t even sure who the person who had just spoken was, all stood in the doorway of the tavern. Markus looked behind him, at the cardboard cutout, back at the people in the door, cutout, door, cutout, door-
Ballast’s smirk grew. “Ah, I see you all have joined me for my book tour!”
The tiefling spoke up. “Yeah, well, after we found out you survived, we thought it would be the least we could do to visit you and see what you wrote about us.”
The author swept his hands in a gesture at the table. “Well step right up, ladies, it’d be my pleasure to sign your books.”
The group stepped forward, cutting the line, and ignoring the wide-eyed looks at the people who realized who they were.
The middle-aged man did notice Markus sitting on the floor.
“Hey, Jeremy!” The tiefling turned to look at the man and Markus. “Doesn’t he look a bit like you?”
The tiefling looked at Markus with curious eyes. “Well… I guess. What are you doing on the floor either way?”
Markus, making an executive decision, closed his mouth, stood up, and walked out.
From behind him, he tried to ignore Ballast’s “Enjoy the book, Markus!”
“Fucking Ballast.”
Maybe he did need another trip through the Prison of Lights to clear his mind
#thrilling intent#tifanart#ballast mcgee#markus velafi#not markast but if u wanna read it as that go right ahead#kappa writes#my fanfic
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The sisters and the Boys
This is relatively old. About a year old? It’s unfinished and my thoughts have since been updated since, but i’ll still put this up because our blog is lonely :P
Maybe I’ll do a revised post later, but for now here are some relationship headcanons as well as personality details on my twins, Yin and Yang!
Yin - Green Heart, Kindness
Yin is the more introverted one of the two sisters. Yin grew up reading with the Nancy Drew books and children’s mystery books and loves the idea of solving crime and catching bad guys. Yin is often quiet among company, often found reading on her phone or at the side of Yang, the more outgoing sister than with anyone else. Her more snarky, silly personality is let out by the encouragement of Yang and friends. Yin is fierce with her love and protective of her loved ones, when befriended Yin will be friendly and polite but keep you at a distance until finally she’ll love you before she likes you if you’re willing to stick around. She’ll run to your side in a time of crisis to help you, save you and maybe give cuff to the head or punch to the shoulder for the trouble but she’s with you all the way. Yin enjoys giving commentary to movies and overjoyed when encouraged instead of shushed by present company, orange juice, disney movies and visual novels.
Yang - Red Heart, Determination
Unlike Yin, Yang was much more readily into befriending others. Yang is charming and affectionate, often wrapping her arms around shoulders of friends, linking arms to drag her sister away on an adventure, or just to obnoxiously give you a poke on the nose with a ‘boop’. She’s a bit of a flirt, and is quick to fall into love and often out of it. Craves commitment but also fearful of it which often leads to a string of break ups. High school was a terror. (Yin had a lot of assholes to punch) Is fierce when wronged, but a bit more bark and little bite when in a confrontation. Is just as silly and goofy as her sister and enjoys raunchy pick up lines. No, not to be used. To laugh at. (“If you're feeling down, I can feel you up. “ “That’s worse than the last one, sis. And stop sending me shitposts, we’re literally sitting right next to each other!” “Haaahaha!”) Yin LOVES rpg games. She likes the heavy emphasis on storytelling. (If this was real life and she played Undertale, you bet your ass she’d throw herself into the fandom faster than Frisk fell Underground)
Both sisters enjoy horror movies. To be accurate, Yang is eager to watch, Yin more hesitant but curious. By the end of the night, Yang is clutching onto her sister with a death grip and both sisters are screeching at the screen. Yang to warn the humans of the coming danger, and Yin out of anger for the stupidity of the protagonists. Yang loves Korean dramas. Loves them. Yin is forced to watch alongside her and provides commentary. Both girls play otome games, but Yin is a completionist and wants to get all the endings and Yang squeals and rants about her favorite characters. Anime is argued and debated about constantly between the twins.
Note: Yin and Yang aren’t actually their real names. They just started calling each other that because both are better at things the other aren’t and they decided that they would balance each other out better if they could keep themselves in check. Especially when insecurities and anxiety rises.
Undertale
Sans
I see an easy friendship to develop, Sans could watch movies with Yin and he won’t tell her to be quiet when she gets fired up and throws popcorn at the screen, they both make fun of actors and predict what happens next. Yin would be exasperated with Sans’ joke but she’ll smile, and maybe snort if it’s a very clever one, which would mean Sans would have to make MORE so she could do it again. Yin asks questions. A lot. She asks about the underground, Sans’ various jobs, the sock in the living room, the trash tornado and...probably figure out Sans’ scientific background from his various physics books. Sans is secretive and Yin is curious enough and smart enough to realize that and try to poke or ask questions which would probably cause Sans to withdraw. Yin wouldn’t pry out of any malicious intent, simply a desire to know but this would put a strain on their friendship and anything more if Yin were to push. Luckily, Yin wouldn’t want to make Sans’ uncomfortable to pursue it and respects his privacy. But if say someone blabbed a bit, like Papyrus or Alphys...it doesn’t hurt to peep a question or two, right?
Yang enjoys corny jokes, bad jokes, simply for the sake that they’re obviously bad, so she’d enjoy Sans’ company. Yang might be a bit much for Sans who isn’t a physically affectionate dude in general, but Yang is just as content to communicate with Sans over the phone as she is in person. It’d do the bone boy good to have someone spoil him though, Yang would happily do so. Yang could probably fall for Sans...it’s staying that’s the problem. She won’t cheat, or have wandering eyes, Yang’s a good girl but she doesn’t have much experience with long term relationships past the ‘honeymoon phase’ and she’s a bit of a romantic and likes little gestures while Sans is more of a casual sort of guy. If they end up in a romantic relationship it’ll have to depend on them both if it stays that way.
Papyrus
Papyrus finds Yin’s detective habits fascinating! It’s sort of like puzzles. You have to solve things! Yin finds Papyrus’ enthusiasm endearing and, like with Yang, lets herself be dragged along on whatever adventure Papyrus would take her on. She’d easily be spurred along by his energy and would be right along with him, cooking spaghetti together or driving around in his race car and looking out for ‘CRIMINALS AND HOOLIGANS!’. But, she’ll probably tire out a lot faster than Papyrus would so he’ll have to carry her around on his back while Papyrus tells her stories about his achievements, Sans, the Royal guard, Fluffy Bunny, anything that comes to mind. Yin has never dated anyone or even fooled around but gets the biggest crush on Papyrus during their friendship. But who wouldn’t really? She wouldn’t know what to do about it and she wouldn’t act on it so they’ll just continue on with their shenanigans until Papyrus finally turns to her and goes “YIN! HUMAN, I FIND I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY VERY MUCH! SO MUCH THAT WE’VE BECOME GREAT FRIENDS! BEST FRIENDS AND I! WOULD VERY MUCH...LIKE TO BE MORE. I WOULD BE HONORED IF YOU WENT ON A DATE WITH ME!”
How could Yin possibly say no?
Besties!!! Such enthusiasm! And Papyrus likes platonic cuddling, Yang can hug him whenever she wants! Yang’s already in love. Well, until Papyrus turns her down. “I’M VERY FLATTERED YANG, BUT I JUST DON’T FEEL LIKE THAT FOR YOU! PLUS I KNOW YOU LIKE KISSING AND I DON’T HAVE LIPS!” Yang isn’t that heartbroken, she wasn’t actually in love but she did consider dating him. She accepts and they’re the best of buds. ...Until she develops feelings for real. And then the insecurity hits. What was she thinking before? She can’t date Pap! Pap needs someone who can keep at his own pace (not literally, most people can’t keep up with Papyrus at his pace) someone who doesn’t go through relationships like they do with soap. Yang moves pretty fast and Papyrus is...so good. Oh boy. If Pap and Yang date, Papyrus is gonna have to have a talk with Yang. Despite how Yang feels about herself, she would never rush Papyrus through their relationship and in fact would be a good relationship starter, should they ever break up. Papyrus gives Yang encouragement and positive reinforcement. A good noodle, Papyrus is.
Underfell
Red
Haha well shit. A flirty, bold skeleton with anxiety and self esteem issues? It’s like Yang if Yang was a dude. And a skeleton. Not that Red completely reminds Yin of her sister because that’d be weird but there’s some...pings going off in her head. If Red tried putting the moves on Yin, Yin’s super awkward and blustery about it. Give her time, she’ll get to know Red as they hang out together. Red isn’t much of an outgoer and neither is she, they can spend indoors together hanging out on the couch and watching horror movies. Yin screams and gets angry and Red can laugh at her. Yin miiiight get a bit...curious and take up Red’s semi-serious flirtations. though if Red ends up chickening out, Yin would end up a little hurt that Red might’ve just been messing with her but brush it off because she was ONLY curious obviously and it’s easier like this because they can just stay friends like normal, right? ...Yeah, these two nerds need to talk things out.
Yang and Red would probably hit it off at like a bar at first. If Yang starred in the choose your own tale with Red, she’d get the Sinner’s ending. ...Well, maybe after a round of beanboozled. They have a bit of a whirlwind romance that could end a blast or disaster. They’re similar in some ways that might mean they’ll mesh really well and in some ways might mean they’ll spark out as fast as they came together (hehe). Yang doesn’t mind if Red gets jealous or possessive, she’d be thrilled, it means she’s wanted. But Yang being affectionate might mean Red would take offense to her being close with...probably everyone. Not Yin though. Red gets kinda drool-y seeing them together. Which would make Yang take offense a bit because why is Red alright with a threesome when it’s them (Red you gross) but Yang can’t just hug people like normal. Eventually she might find it stifling and their insecurities would throw each other off. These two ALSO would need to talk things out.
Edge
Haha double shit. Yin is...not impressed. Who is this big, edgy, shouty asshole? Yin would probably end up picking a fight with Edge. Yin tries to be polite but this guy. Wowie. The twins can be fierce but Yin’s the protector, the fighter. She wouldn’t stand for his rude, I-AM-ABOVE-YOU-LITERALLY-AND-FIGURATIVELY attitude. And Edge finds this puny, squishy little human trying to mess with him laughable, because??? Puny, squishy human. Things might escalate and wherever they are, they’ll probably be told to leave because they’re disturbing the peace. After...they just keep bumping into each other. (“YOU!!!” “Ugh, no.”) If Yin REALLY wants to fight Edge, somehow she convinces him to spar with her. Yeah, you heard that right. If they can’t talk it out, they’ll fight it out and then they’ll be square, at least Yin figures. Yin’s punched her fair share of jerks she can handle this guy. ...Yeah no, she gets her ass handed to her. But, Edge is…-whispers- impressed. Just a little. But you didn’t hear that from him, no sir. She put up a good fight and Yin asks where Edge learned how to fight which leads to Edge bragging about being the CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD, and talking about his accomplishments and exploits and so on and so forth. (“Huh. Fine then, big guy, color me impressed.”)
Yang also, is not the least bit impressed. ...Okay, maybe she thought Edge was sort of handsome even with the scars, until he opened his mouth. Still, whatever remarks he might make her way, Yang turns it right around and flirts back, because what better way to piss someone off than to brush off angry remarks with a casual air. But somehow this leads to shenanigans and Edge calls Yang a admirer of his and figures, if she’s so incensed to get close to him, he is ‘GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO TAKE YOU UNDER MY WING THEN!” ...Yeah, what? Yang figures she can make the best of it and hey this would probably make a good story to tell later, right? Edge is still a bit of a jerk but Yang isn’t so down on herself that she’s going to let someone get away bullying her without a fight. (“What makes you so Great and Terrible, anyway?” “WELL IF YOU INSIST ON KNOWING, MY MINION…!”)
Underswap
Blueberry
What more is there to say, Yin thinks the little dude is cute. But more in a kid brother kind of way than dating way. Yin would happily follow Blueberry on the greatest adventure, she’s content to be a sidekick.
Stretch
Swapfell
Raspberry
Rus
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