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mustangshelby04 · 4 years

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Ad Infinitum

This is the original short story I wrote for my Fiction Writing Workshop. It’s my first class as a college Junior. I’ve had the idea behind this story for ages and I’ve always planned to (hopefully) turn it into a book. I still haven’t gotten the grade back on it (my professor is quite slow on grading), so I can’t tell you how it was received by her. I can tell you that I’m kind of proud of this story and I hope you all enjoy it.

The office doors burst open and Minerva walked in holding a print out. “Another one has popped up.” She made her way across the ornate office to stand in front of the old mahogany desk where Constance Devoy was working. Minerva waited for Constance’s eyes to leave her computer screen before dropping the print out down on its surface.

“Who is it this time?” Constance asked.

“Radcliffe.”

“Again?”

“That guy has a real love of the camera.”

“He always has.” Constance sighed. “They’re making it harder and harder to hide.”

“I think that’s his point.”

Constance shot Minerva an affectionate smile. “I’ll deal with it. Thank you, Minnie.” The French doors shut behind Minerva and Constance picked up the print out, glaring at the image of John Radcliffe. “Arrogant prick.”

The rules of being an Immortal were simple: keep your head down, don’t leave a trail behind you, and start a new life far away from your current as soon as people start to notice that you don’t age. Unfortunately, the Immortals were now in the middle of a conflict over those rules. For the last century, some of them had gotten a taste of fame and wanted to come out of the shadows.

Constance Devoy was not one of those Immortals.

Born in 1598, she had stopped aging at the age of eighteen. No one knew how they became an Immortal. It just happened at random. Like all the others, she had woken up one morning and felt completely different from the person she had been the day before. Luckily for Constance, the Immortal Freya had been in Sussex at the time. Freya had felt the pull they all felt when another Immortal was near and she had followed it to Constance. At just twenty-two years old, Constance had been forced to fake her own death and move on to another life.

Freya had taken Constance under her wing and taught her how to survive.

Freya, as far as she could tell, was the oldest of them. She had stopped aging at the age of thirty-nine when the Vikings had walked the Earth. Her rules had kept Constance safe and away from the notice of mortals. Her rules were passed on to each new Immortal they found and it was inevitable that Freya became the official leader of the Immortals. She had appointed Constance as her second in charge.

Now, in 2018, there were 372 Immortals in the world. There hadn’t been a new one born since 1902. Constance didn’t see this as a bad thing. The less of them there were, the easier it was to hide. Mortals en masse couldn’t be trusted. The conflict among the Immortals had begun with the invention of the camera. A painting or a sculpture of an Immortal could easily be explained away since features weren’t always accurate. Artists loved to take liberties to please their clients. But when photographs were invented…. Some Immortals became enamored with the life-like pictures. They began refusing to burn their portraits and instead began hiding them away. It only got worse as the technology advanced to video cameras.

And then came the lure of fame when Hollywood began making moving pictures.

Fame is an addiction all its own and Immortals aren’t immune to vices. The mortals began to worship the famous. They put up giant movie posters outside buildings and bought magazines with their favorite celebrities in them. Some Immortals couldn’t stay away. Egos usually get inflated if you’re always young, beautiful, and can’t die.

John Radcliffe was the worst of them.

Constance dropped the picture of him on her desk and stood up, walking across the room to look out the window at the city below them.

He had been born sometime in the late 1800s and had stopped aging around age seventeen. He had been vain before he had stopped aging and it had gotten worse after he noticed he had stopped aging. He was beautiful, sexy even, and that made him stand out. Tall with dark hair and piercing blue eyes, his body had seemingly been chiseled from the finest marble by the most caring hand. Women and men swooned when he was in their presence. Artists were commissioned by him constantly to have his portrait done. Once he had gotten a camera in his hand, he couldn’t stop taking his own picture. He was always leaving a trail behind him for others to follow and clean up.

His carelessness could be labeled legendary. Most times, he left it until it was almost too late before he would move on to a new life far from his old one.

Mortals would begin to notice his eternal youth and the whispering would begin. He, of course, relished the gossip. He seemed to thrive on it. He believed others should thrive on it, too. This was why he was the one leading the Immortals who wanted to “come out of the closet.”

He was also the one that had betrayed Constance’s trust and broken her heart.

The two of them had become quite close when Freya had brought him to her. As conceited as he was, he had a surprising depth to him. He was gentle and kind with a wit that could have her laughing for days. It was a depth he never showed anyone, but somehow Constance wasn’t just anyone to him. They had both let each other into their hearts like they had let no one else before. Every waking hour of those first ten years was spent together. When it came time to part for their new lives, they made a vow to come together once a year for two days. It didn’t matter what they did in those two days, as long as they were together.

After two lifetimes apart, John came to Constance and suggested they make a new life together. He had gone into his plan to live in the light. He was working in Hollywood and had just had his “big break.” He was famous and he wanted her to be his wife in his “last life.” He had laid out a plan to tell everyone about the Immortals. He had saved the pictures and portraits of the two of them instead of destroying them like he’d promised. He had wanted to use them as proof and he wanted her to join him in stepping out into the light.

Constance had been horrified. This was no refusal to destroy a photograph or to leave before the rumors started. This was throwing open the curtains and exposing the Immortals, laying them bare to the scrutinization of the mortal world. Mortals could be incredibly cruel to things they didn’t understand. The Nazis of Germany and their ghastly experiments on the Jewish people was evidence of this cruelty. The thought of what the mortals who excelled in science would do to the Immortals was terrifying.

Constance and John had fought. Angry words were exchanged that couldn’t be taken back. He had declared war on Constance, Freya, and the “old ways.” And since then, he had made good on that promise. The Immortals had divided into factions. The battles weren’t waged on battlefields, though, but behind the scenes. News stories were buried, internet sites were taken offline, mortals who knew the truth and took a side suddenly disappeared.

When Immortals wanted to take a break from life before the split in alliances, Constance had used her training as a doctor to put Immortals in medically induced comas. After John had begun the fight for “freedom”, the comas had turned into prison sentences for out-of-line Immortals. Constance had been forced to turn the basement of her estate into a cozy prison for the comatose Immortals.

Her cell phone began to chirp and she grabbed it, answering it without looking at the caller ID. “What?”

“I hate the way you answer phones.” John said on the other line. “It wouldn’t kill you to show some kindness.”

“I’ve shown you plenty of kindness and you keep spitting in my face.”

“You keep making me.”

“How? By putting a stop to you destroying us?”

“What are you so afraid of, Connie?”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why not? It’s what I’ve always called you.”

“Only my friends call me that.”

“Am I not your friend?”

“Not since you betrayed myself and your kind.”

He let out an exasperated sigh. “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

“No, it doesn’t. Stop trying to tell the world about us, call the others off of it, and everything will go back to normal.”

“It can’t go back to normal, Connie.”

“I told you not to….”

“The entire world is connected now. Criminals can’t hide from the system thanks to technology and neither can we. It’s only a matter of time before they discover us themselves. They’re already questioning it.”

“They make memes about time travelers because you and your merry band of egotistical fools can’t follow basic rules.”

“Freya’s rules are outdated. You know this, Connie! This is the 21st century. We need to change with the times.”

Constance stayed silent, debating with herself on hanging up on John.

Before she could make the decision, John continued. “Mortals aren’t as horrendous as you make them out to be.”

Constance looked at the picture on her desk of herself with a twelve year old Minerva beaming at the camera as she held up a little spelling bee trophy. “No, not all of them are, but there are those who would capture us and experiment on us. Find out why we are the way we are.”

“And is that such a bad thing? Don’t you want to know why we don’t age or die?”

“What could that knowledge possibly accomplish?”

“If we knew how it began for us, we could find out how it could end for us.”

Constance blinked, staring blankly for a long moment. “You want to die?”

“It’s the ultimate adventure, isn’t it? It’s the one thing we can’t do.”

Surprisingly, she felt her heart squeeze with the emotional pain at the thought of losing him. The pain gripped her entire chest like a vice. “John….”

“I’m not saying I want to die now, but I want the option. Don’t you want the option?”

“I like seeing the world change.”

“No you don’t.”

“Of course I do! The changes are fascinating! I’ve embraced technology and….”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“I’m done with this conversation.” Constance hung up and dropped her phone on her desk. She began to pace, once again allowing herself to get lost in her own mind.

She couldn’t lie to herself. There were times when she thought John might have a point. Technology was advancing so rapidly and it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay unnoticed. The internet was an insanely wide world and evidence of immortality could easily be missed. The fact that she was finally seeing John’s logic was not something she was willing to admit out loud yet, but she just knew that he could sense it.

And he knew he had Minerva to thank for it.

When Constance had met Minerva Fraser, she had been an eight year old foster child, bouncing from home to home, all but abandoned by society. She had found her way into Constance’s large estate in Yorkshire, hoping to steal something of value to sell for food. Somehow, she had won Constance’s affections and the Immortal woman opened her heart and home up to a mortal for the first time in her very long life. Now, Minnie was a celebrated doctor, running a successful practice in London with her husband, Ashton.

The office doors opened again and, much to Constance’s amazement, Freya marched in. “Constance.” The woman offered a chilly greeting.

“Freya! I had no idea you were coming in today.” Constance walked over to hug her mentor, but Freya didn’t make a move to reciprocate. “Is everything all right?”

“No, it is not.” Freya gracefully sat down in a chair and Constance followed suit. “It seems that Radcliffe has been wearing you down.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”

Freya reached into her bag and handed her an article she’d found online and printed off. It was a picture of Minerva and Ashton at the grand opening of their second office. Constance could be seen clearly in the background, smiling proudly at the couple. Next to it was a picture of Constance at her university graduation almost 40 years ago. It was clear that she hadn’t aged a day in all that time. The article was titled London Doctor With Fountain of Youth Secret?

“You’ve been here much too long. You know the rules. I never dreamed I would have to speak to you about them. Why haven’t you moved on?” Constance glanced at the picture of herself with Minerva sitting on the side table near Freya. Freya sighed, “You’re attached to the mortal.”

Constance couldn’t meet Freya’s eyes. “She’s…. My daughter.”

“We can’t have children.”

Constance held Freya’s steely gaze. “I’m aware of that.”

“We must stay together and uphold our rules. This is the way it must be. We can’t allow the others to destroy us all with their carelessness.” “I…. understand that.”

“I once assumed you did.” Before Constance could retort, Freya stood up. “Get your affairs in order and move on. I don’t want to do anything drastic to uphold our standard.”

Constance watched Freya walk out of the room, leaving the doors standing open and the fork in the road clearly laid out behind her.

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#Orignial Short Story #Ad Infinitum #Original Characters #Fiction #Fiction Writing Workshop #Short Story

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unluckycl0v3r · 7 years

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He’s Breader Off Dead

Requested by: anon

bts gang! au

shippings: namjin

A/N: this is my first fan fiction request. I hope you enjoy! (especially you anon) I had a lot of fun writing this, and I feel it must feel rushed. It was hard writing this when I didn’t want it long in chapters? So, this is the best I could do for it, as a small prompt.

Summary: Namjoon is the leader of a very successful organized crime ring with his gang. He suddenly falls in love with a baker whom should have been just another one of his casualties, but after one look, he couldn’t help but fall for this sweet treat in front of him.

Words: 3k

The alley was dark and abandoned on the night Jin had decided it was time to lock up, and promptly took out the trash in the small little bakery he owned. It was cold when he walked out into the unforgiving night, and Jin had to bite back the urge to run like a child to the trash and back. It felt ominous out here, but for gosh darn’s sake, you are man! (A beautiful one at that.)

Jin then giggled at his own compliment as he opened up the dumpster and threw in the trash. His laughter was cut short once he heard shuffling, and a glass bottle being rolled from behind him. He turned around, eyes wide and sensors heightened, but he heard nothing further. Out of curiosity, even though he knew it killed the cat, he began walking slowly to the sound. He slowly went down the alley, and past the door to his bakery. (He left his door open with a crate so he could shuffle back in quickly because no matter how many times he tells himself he’s a man, deep inside, he’s a pretty princess who shall have no harm done to him!)

The baker gasps in horror and stops in his tracks when he sees about five men dressed in black beating and holding down another man in shabby clothing laying on the ground with duct tape over his mouth and trying to scream. The man’s eyes met Jin’s in such a pleading manner, but Jin just stood there. That was until the gang of men began to turn their heads towards Jin, and he felt his flight mode kick in. He slammed the door to his bakery shut, and locked all of the other doors.

One of the men dressed in black took off his mask, looking agitated. “Someone needs to take care of him. We can’t have any witnesses.” His voice was low and dark, which was odd for this member since he didn’t have the most menacing of voices. Except right now his jaw was clenched, more from worry than anger.

After a final blow to the already bloody man on the ground, another member dressed in black stands. “Jungkook, calm down.” He took off his mask, his face was shiny with sweat. “I’m the leader, I’ll take care of it.”

With that, Namjoon fled the sight, and within a few long minutes all the lights in the street went out. A simple power outage. No calls. No lights. No distraction. Only darkness.

Junkook put his black mask back on, and him and the rest of his gang fled the scene with the man they had beaten. Only Namjoon was left.

Namjoon walked down the dark street with a kind of swagger that only came from turning out all the power on the street. He came across a bakery and stopped in his tracks. I can take out the guy and steal his sweets, killing two birds with one stone, was his thought as he knelt down and began picking the lock of the door. Within a few seconds you could hear a click! And he was in.

The moment he walked through the door he almost jumped at the sight of the baker holding up a wooden stool to him. Namjoon wasn’t prepared to be confronted with such bravery, especially in that god forsaken chef’s hat. The man in front of Namjoon looks manic with his fearful, wide eyes, and shrill voice.

“You stay back now! I will hit you! Stay back!” Jin screamed at the man, swinging the stool furiously. Namjoon held out his hands in an attempt to calm down the baker, only backing up a step or two. Namjoon took a good look at the baker, and found him absolutely gorgeous in his attempt to fight off the gang leader. His eyes were wide and innocent, his skin like smooth caramel, and broad shoulders. The gang leader always had a soft spot for sweet treats.

“Hey, hey. Calm down!” Namjoon ducked only just in time to miss a blow to the head from Jin, and swiftly took the stool from him before knocking the baker out with his own weapon. Namjoon stared down at the unconscious man, thinking of what to do with him. Can’t leave him here, he’ll call the cops. For some reason, Namjoon can’t force himself to kill him either because he just looked so peaceful sleeping, and he was just a nice, innocent baker enjoying his work finally ending. He definitely did not decide to kidnap him because the look of the baker, and remembering his frantic shouting, made him feel all warm inside. He definitely didn’t decide to kidnap the baker because looking at his face made him hard. Of course, Namjoon could not leave without his desserts either.

When Jin woke up, his head from freaking killing him. He sat up with a groan and rubbed his head. What happened last night? Jin opened his eyes to find himself in an unknown bed, in an unknown, dim room, in a probably unknown house. It was not a very pretty house either from the look of the room. The walls were bleak and bare, and the dim lights flickered above him. There was just one old, small TV that sat across from him, and a dresser next to him with an equally dim lamp. Jin would complain more about it, but he’s thankful for it because of his massive headache.

It did take Jin a few seconds to figure out that it was not right to wake up in an unknown place, and suddenly remembered what happened. Those gang members freaking kidnapped me. You’d think criminals would have more money, Jin thought while grimacing at how uncomfortable his lumpy bed is. That’s when the door to the room opened.

“How are you feeling?” Said the man who walked in, holding a glass of water. He was tall and his hair was a golden blonde, and styled very nicely to one side. He wore a nice suit, which didn’t at all go with the look of this crappy room, and wore a smile that showed dimples in his cheeks. Jin looked defiantly at the man if front of him, reaching to take the water, and gulped it down within seconds.

“Well, you can take being kidnapped off my bucket list.” Jin spat, handing the cup back to the man. Namjoon’s friendly smile stiffened, his head cocking to the side, and analyzed the baker’s sass. Unsurprisingly, it only amused Namjoon instead of irritate him.

“Keep that up, and I might have to punish you.” Namjoon teased playfully, his smile becoming genuine again. Except, Namjoon was actually thinking of going through with it. This baker’s personality lives up to his face.

“So, being hit in the head wasn’t bad enough already?” Jin winced as he rubbed his very sore head. Namjoon let out a low, dark laugh, and Jin hated the fact he was actually attracted to such a sound.

“You’re funny.” The gang leader commented with an amused smile. Jin watched as he crossed to the other side of the bed.

“Okay, but seriously, where am I? It is small and bleak in here, and this bed is making my back ache. I may be a kidnapped victim, but if you think I’m low maintenance then you were very mistaken.” Namjoon climbed up from the end of the bed and on top of Jin, and pulled Jin’s hair back to make him look Namjoon in the eyes.

“What did you just say to me?” His voice was deep and gruff, but did everything but intimidate Jin. In fact, it only made his cock twitch in between his legs, and glare up at the man fearlessly.

“I asked where the heck I was.” Jin’s voice lowered a few octaves, and was much different from his needy princess voice he used just a minute ago. Namjoon studied him closely for a minute, his eyes traveling down to the baker’s lips, back up to his eyes. Namjoon wondered if his lips tasted as sweet as the food he makes. He was also amused at the baker’s resilience to cursing.

“What’s your name?” Jin was a little taken aback from the question, becoming softer at how close and intimate he suddenly felt with the unknown kidnapper, but he tried to remain looking tough. Namjoon was no fool, and caressed the baker’s cheek softly with his finger.

“Um, J-Jin.” The baker stuttered, cursing himself for being so vulnerable all of a sudden. He closed his eyes at the touch, trying to look disgusted, but he wasn’t.

“Jin,” The man repeated it slowly, softly. He let the word roll off his tongue, tasting how it felt in his mouth, and he decided in that moment that he wanted Jin to be his trusty trophy wife.

Everyone was surprised at first when one day Jin walked in to meet the rest of Namjoon’s gang with a ring on his finger. In fact, everyone thought it was a terrible idea. Until Jin was living with them, cooking them food, cleaning the house, and overall taking care of the gang. Which none of them knew they needed until they had it.

Namjoon let Jin keep his bakery, and it was with both their fortunes that they led the greatest organized criminal groups since the Solntsevskaya Bratva. Sometimes Namjoon and his gang used Jin’s small bakery as a safe house.

The marriage at first was easy, and Namjoon cooed at how submissive Jin was under all that sass. Jin took care of everything, but he loved being spoiled and spanked and praised. It occurred to Namjoon how soft he had become since marrying Jin. His job of killing and stealing and getting high was slowing down slightly. I mean, Namjoon could still shoot someone without even flinching, but it was like he was pulled out of this world of gray.

Namjoon started going on picnic dates, (which only ended in kinky, outside sex), and canceling meetings with potential clients to go on dates with his husband. Namjoon had never appreciated a rich life much, never cared for it, but Jin did. Namjoon would buy him everything pretty, and made sure the house they lived in was nice and big, and took Jin out to fancy restaurants and bought him expensive clothing.

Neither of them could have asked for more. It was like having a stable, domestic relationship. Except, it almost wasn’t stable, and almost wasn’t domestic. Their relationship revolved around Namjoon coming home late, all tense and angry, to a very non-cooperative Jin who sassed his way into being punished. Which of course, led to Namjoon letting out his anger in very rough sex, and Jin being very pleased with his life.

Even the gang liked Jin. Sometimes everyone would just hang out at the bakery and eat pastries as if they were just a normal friend group, and not a complete hardcore gang. They all felt complete, really.

Life was perfect. Jin was the happiest he had ever been. He had the taste of a silver lining. A very average life of baking, cleaning, and making people smile. Then a very thrilling life where he had a very kinky husband whom was the leader of an organized crime ring. They were rich, and they were illegal. How could anything possibly mess up this wonderful dynamic?

One afternoon, Jin was wiping the counters of his bakery when he looked up at the sound of bell chiming when the door opened. Namjoon was accompanying him that afternoon, eating a pastry at a table nearest to his husband. Although Namjoon barely noticed how Jin gaped at the man entering, his hand coming to a slow stop, and he seemed very tense. The unknown man, on the other hand, looked very smug with his bleached, messy hair, and wearing a fashionable red suit.

“My darling, I have finally found you. Is this where you’ve been hiding all these years?” To that sound, Namjoon stood and went into action, walking up to the man. Jin just glared at this unknown figure with much loathing. The man only turned, and gave Namjoon a smile. “Honey, who’s this? Have you found another trouble maker to settle down with?”

Namjoon immediately punched him in the face, and he stumbled backwards holding his now bloody nose.

“As a matter of fact, I have.” Jin said tensely, and after the punch Namjoon looked at the baker with confusion. Jin looked at him worriedly.

“Who is that?” Namjoon asked, his face red from sudden anger rising in his gut. The man holding his bleeding nose, which was running down his face and onto his suit, laughed heartily.

“I’m Ken. Seokjin’s husband.” Ken said in a muffled voice. Namjoon’s gaze snapped from Jin to Ken furiously, unsure of who to be mad at first.

“Ex-husband.” Jin corrected, he sounded as if he has tasted something foul. Ken ignores this.

“He abandoned me when I went to jail.” Ken’s smile went from friendly to sinister as he stared at Jin. “In fact, he betrayed me and his gang.” Namjoon forcefully pushed him against a wall and growled at him.

“What are you talking about?” He demanded aggressively. Ken only smiled at him.

“You don’t know? Why don’t you ask him?” Namjoon took his eyes off Ken to glance at his worrisome husband. Jin’s hands were hidden under the counter, a look of pure distaste on his face. Namjoon held Ken tighter against the wall.

“Why don’t I just kill you instead?” He threatened through gritted teeth. Ken didn’t falter at the threat.

“Go ahead. The police are already closing in and about to take your sweet lover away.” Ken said with pride.

“Back away from him.” Jin ordered to Namjoon. Perplexed, and slightly offended, he stepped back from Ken. What happened next happened so quick that Namjoon barely had time to process. A loud bang was heard throughout the bakery, and Ken was lying on his back in the middle of the floor, blooding gushing from his head.

“What the fuck!” Namjoon exclaimed, jumping back. He had seen many murders in his day of crime fighting, but never from his sweet and innocent lover. I mean sure, Jin was sassy and didn’t like being bossed around, (either that or he just loved being punished), but he would never expect Jin to pull the small handgun from under the counter and shoot this man in the head. He stood, stunned.

“Don’t worry about him. Get everything illegal out of the back, contact the gang, empty out all our bank accounts, and let’s get the freak out of here. I’ll be darned if I let some good-for-nothing ex get me caught.” It took everything he had to come out of his frozen position and get into action.

It was even harder to drop everything and leave. They barely beat the police as everyone boarded an airplane with very light luggage and left the country. They changed their names and identity. They made sure they were invisible. Namjoon could barely wrap his mind around what had happened.

It wasn’t until they had finally settled down, and it had been a few weeks since the shooting. Namjoon was lying next Jin in a very comfy bed, and his husband was curled up in the covers next to him. Jin was obviously tired, but Namjoon could not stop thinking about what happened and turned to face his husband.

“At the bakery, who was that?” Namjoon asked bluntly, his voice showing no signs of sweetness or comfort. Jin barely noticed his tenseness though, only grunting sleepily.

“Who’s who?”

“Ken! Whose Ken?” Namjoon nearly shouted, and Jin woke up completely. He glowered unhappily at Namjoon for waking him up.

“Why are you bringing him up now?” Jin asked irritably, his eyes squinting at him in anger.

“Because you killed him and he said that you were his husband and that you got him locked up in jail.” He rambled, his stomach all knotted up and tense. Jin sighed, trying to fight off sleep as he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. When he spoke, his voice was much softer and more patient.

“When I was younger, I married a guy named Ken. He was hot, badass, and made a ton of money. Once I was married to him I learned how he was so successful. He was an international drug smuggler and he was the leader of a biker gang. He knew I wasn’t just some innocent bystander. I was tough, cunning, and fuck ton smarter than he was. He offered to have me in charge of his gangs with him, and I agreed. We were rich and hot and it was so… exciting.

But one day everything went very wrong. I went to send a suitcase full of drugs across the border to this guy who was offering millions, but we got caught. We were surrounded. Except, I didn’t go, I had only planned it. So, I took the money we had and left. I realized how much anxiety being in charge of things made me, and how much awful things I’ve done. I wanted to start over and do some good. Despite my riches, I bought a small house and a small bakery. I’ve always loved to cook and bake. It was the only good I knew. But we all know it’s my fucking luck that I run into you, and you literally steal my heart. I guess I just attract bad boys.”

Jin had looked down in shame as he spoke, but Namjoon only gaped at him. His face was unreadable, but it looked most like shock. When it was silent, Jin looked up and furrowed his eyebrows in irritation. “What?” He whined, looking angry. Namjoon’s look of surprise didn’t falter.

“I have the most confusing boner right now.”

#bts #namjin

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theworstbob · 7 years

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every grammy for record of the year settled

another installment of what is slowly becoming a series of me pointing at things i’m mostly okay with and making simple jokes instead of writing actual things. i have six rough drafts of fictional shorts i said i wanted to post by the end of january and now its february 11th and fuck, dude, but this is so much easier!

1959 "Catch a Falling Star," by Perry Como "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)," by David Seville "Fever," by Peggy Lee "Witchcraft," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)," by Domenico Modugno

This field actually sets the tone for all the future Grammy categories to come. There's 2 songs that are really fucking good, there's one person who's here because they have a reputation as a person who is popular, there's some fucking awful bullshit that we're only going to remember in five years because it's, y'know, fucking awful bullshit, and then the winner is some obscure nonsense that sort of renders the whole operation moot, like if in 2007 the Oscar for Best Picture went to Chumscrubber, or if the Falcons won the Super Bowl. Peggy Lee/Frank Sinatra : Beyonce/Rihanna+Drake :: Perry Como : Adele, David Seville : Lukas Graham :: Domenico Modugno : twenty one pilots.

Yeah the winner is "Fever." I'm not looking to re-invent the wheel here, the best song of these five is "Fever," like are you kidding me, "Fever." "Fever," guys. "Catch a Falling Star" is a relic of an era where all we wanted from male pop stars was for them to be a gentle father in a sweater to say he's proud of us, "Witchcraft" goes but its only failure is that it's not "Fever," hahaha they actually thought "The Chipmunk Song" would stand the test of time, and "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)?" Fuck outta here, "Nel Blu Dipinto Di Blu (Volare)." I have nothing to say to you. What are you? I don't care. You're not "Fever." Also I immediately regret this exercise because now I'm just angry I'm alive in era where songs don't have horn sections. Someone give me a big band cover of "Closer." Yeah I know Postmodern Jukebox did "Closer" BUT THEY DIDN'T DO IT THE WAY I WANTED. DO IT AGAIN.

TRUE ENDING: "Fever"

1960 "A Fool Such as I," by Elvis Presley "High Hopes," by Frank Sinatra "Like Young," by Andre Previn "The Three Bells," by The Browns WINNER: "Mack the Knife," by Bobby Darin

Im going to give Andre Previn a shitton of extra credit here for apparently naming his album Secret Songs for Young Lovers, which is a simply killer album title. Like I think only Mitski's Bury Me at Makeout Creek can stand up to that title. I'm also giving it extra credit for being an instrumental, that's just refreshing. It still only adds up to a strong second, I'm not here to be contrarian (yet), they got it right, but yo, Andre Previn! You seem chill.

TRUE ENDING: "Mack the Knife"

1961 "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" by Elvis Presley "Georgia on My Mind," by Ray Charles "Mack the Knife," by Ella Fitzgerald "Nice 'n Easy," by Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Theme from A Summer Place," by Percy Faith

Hey! Black people! I legitimately was worried we wouldn't see them for another few years, but hey, they got an early invite (relative to American history)! I like that "Mack the Knife" was nominated again. It makes me wish that, last year, both Tay Tay's "Blank Space" and the indie dudebro's "Blank Space" cover had been nominated simultaneously. When you type "Georgia on My Mind" into the YouTube search bar, suggested searches include "Ludacris," "Willie Nelson," and "Michael Buble," and that is one person away from being a party I'd like to attend. I really want to give this to "Mack the Knife" again because I think that'd be funny, and I, an ignoramus, shouted "YO THIS IS THAT SONG?" the second I heard "Theme from A Summer Place," I've heard that used as a music cue in a billion comedies, that song is iconic, but the winner is "Georgia on My Mind." That song won an Oscar for Jamie Foxx.

TRUE ENDING: "Georgia on My Mind"

1962 "Big Bad John," by Jimmy Dean "The Second Time Around," by Frank Sinatra "Take Five," by The Dave Brubeck Quartet "(Up a) Lazy River," by Si Zentner WINNER: "Moon River," by Henry Mancini

"Big Bad John" just makes me angry that country music used to feel legit and dangerous, and nowadays Brantley Gilbert thinks he's an outlaw because he has a tattoo honoring the 2nd Amendment (a law). I promised myself I wouldn't turn any one part of this into an extended treatise on bro country, but it's not extended if I keep it to two sentences, however compounded they may be! Anyhoo. These are five decidedly not-unpleasant songs by five white dudes. I understand I'm making an assumption about Si Zentner here, but it's 1962. People were still wearing hats in this season of Mad Men, I think it's a safe assumption. I think. I dunno. I think? Yeah, fuck it, "Take Five," that had a pretty boss drum section. Imagine listening to every song made in 1961 and thinking, "Yes. These. I love these five songs." "Stand By Me" was the biggest hit of the year. "Runaway" was number two, I'm pretty sure that was a banger, and if not at least it couldn't be worse than these five. "Hit the Road Jack." "Crying." "Shop Around." "Crazy." Hey guys I just made a hot discovery, I think solely using the Grammy nominees for Record of the Year does not an accurate snapshot of music history provide.

TRUE ENDING: It doesn't matter because it can't be "Stand By Me," but "Take Five" I guess

1963 "Desafinado," by Stan Getz & Charlie Byrd "Fly Me to the Moon Bossa Nova," by Joe Harnell and His Orchestra "I Can't Stop Loving You," by Ray Charles "What Kind of Fool Am I?" by Sammy Davis Jr. WINNER: "I Left My Heart in San Francisco," by Tony Bennett

You can pick up some interesting tidbits from music history, though, such as the fact conductors would have "and their orchestra" in their name. I'd be so much more okay with the state of things, as they are, if The Chainsmokers would start going by The Chainsmokers and Their Soundboard. I don't mean to impugn The Chainsmokers' ability as songwriters, I'd listen to "Closer" a million times before I gave any of these songs another spin, I would just prefer more accuracy in my song attribution. Also the extra credit "Like Young" got for being an instrumental is waning. I could have listened to "Run Up" five times. That's what I could have done with these twenty minutes. ...At least they didn't nominate "The Monster Mash." It wouldn't have been without precedent! They could have nominated "The Monster Mash." No matter how bad it is, it can always get worse.

TRUE ENDING: "I Can't Stop Loving You"

1964 "Dominique," by The Singing Nun "Happy Days Are Here Again," by Barbra Streisand "I Wanna Be Around," by Tony Bennett "Wives and Lovers," by Jack Jones WINNER: "Days of Wine and Roses," by Henry Mancini

when do the 1960s get to the seasons of mad men with stan in them. oh okay hi there "wives and lovers" aren't you horrible. what a blast from the past you are. why am i doing this. fuck it.

TRUE ENDING: "Dominique"

1965 "Downtown," by Petula Clark "Hello, Dolly!" by Louis Armstrong "I Want to Hold Your Hand," by The Beatles "People," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "The Girl from Ipanema," by Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz

HERE. WE. FUCKING. GO. Holy shit. Up-tempo music! Songs I wouldn't only ever listen to in hotel lobbies, that aren't all the exact same ballad! What good fortune! We can actually have a fun debate over which of these songs was actually the best! Sort of. I mean. Just in terms of cultural impact, it's "I Want to Hold Your Hand." I wouldn't dare argue that "I Want to Hold Your Hand" isn't a historically significant song. But "Downtown" is just a nice song about going to the city and seeing a moviefilm, "Hello, Dolly!" is just a wonderful little ditty which brings to mind Freakazoid, "People," erm, and "The Girl from Ipanema" is about as surreal as it gets when you're talking about Record of the Year nominees. And we're not talking about cultural impact, y'know? (At least for now, this is gonna go all over the place.) We're talking about my shitty opinion which, here, overlaps with that of the Grammys in this instance. "The Girl from Ipanema" is dope.

TRUE ENDING: "The Girl from Ipanema"

1966 "Yesterday," by The Beatles "The 'In' Crowd," by The Ramsey Lewis Trio "King of the Road," by Roger Miller "The Shadow of Your Smile," by Tony Bennett WINNER: "A Taste of Honey," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass

It sounds like taking the easy way out to pick what is widely recognized as the best song ever made by what is widely recognized as the best rock band of all time, but. Um. It's really hard to argue for the other four songs here. You could, in a vacuum, almost make an argument for "The 'In' Crowd?" But I'm at the point in this project where I am completely okay with the idea of never hearing a jazz instrumental ever again. Also I regret being mean to Barbra Streisand the last two years, you're right, those jokes were unair, she's a national treasure and I miss the days when true theatre kids could score Record of the Year noms. The only representation theatre kids get in pop music these days is Tay Tay, and that's disappointing. Anyhoo, yeah, fucking "Yesterday." Whatever.

TRUE ENDING: "Yesterday"

1967 "Almost Persuaded," by David Houston "Monday, Monday," by The Mamas & the Papas "What Now My Love," by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass "Winchester Cathedral," by The New Vaudeville Band WINNER: "Strangers in the Night," by Frank Sinatra

One positive from this experience is that all the Mario Maker videos that YouTube had been recommending to me for months are being replaced with songs from the '60s YouTube thinks I might enjoy. Lemme talk about my YouTube recommendations window for a hot second because it’s gone through some shit to get me to watch Mario Maker content. There was a chain. Like, carlsagan42, I could understand, I'd watched AGDQ VODs that featured him, YouTube knew I liked speedrunning and Let's Plays of Mario Maker, here's this guy. And GrandPooBear, that was fair, he was in AGDQ, he seemed like a chill dude, it made sense I would enjoy him, too. But now it's recommending just random dudes to me. "Here's a white dude with a beard playing carlsagan's troll level!" Alright, I guess I fuck with him, he seems chill. "Hey! We found this white dude with a beard playing that white dude with a beard's troll level!" Wh - okay, this is, why is his display name Japanese, I don't, why are y "Here's a dude who just plays troll levels!" GREAT, WHY. WHY DID HE MAKE A CAREER OF DOING THAT. These songs are uninspiring, is what I'm saying. In 1966, notable releases (according to Wikipedia so who actually knows but I'ma go with it) include "The Sound of Silence," "Uptight (Everything's Alright)," "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'," "When a Man Loves a Woman," "Paint it Black," "You Can't Hurry Love," "It's a Man's Man's Man's World," "I Got You (I Feel Good)," "Good Vibrations," "I'm a Believer," and "You Keep Me Hanging On." "Ain't Too Proud to Beg." "God Only Knows!" I listened to "Winchester Cathedral." None of these songs deserve any recognition.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Monday, Monday" but legit who could find it in them to care

1968 "By the Time I Get to Phoenix," by Glen Campbell "My Cup Runneth Over," by Ed Ames "Ode to Billie Joe," by Bobbie Gentry "Somethin' Stupid," by Nancy Sinatra & Frank Sinatra WINNER: "Up, Up and Away," by The 5th Dimension

R E S P-E C T No but like legit there was one year where it sounded like the Grammys were finally over the '50s. Ah, but no! No. ...The world had "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" in 1967. Fucking, a version of "Try a Little Tenderness" dropped in 1967. AND THEY HAD "MY CUP RUNNETH OVER." I AM APPALLED. I AM AGHAST. THIS I -- man, fuck this awards show in particular. I'm giving this to "Ode to Billie Joe" because it's the only song of this bunch I feel I'm being unfair to by bringing up better songs. That song holds its own. It's dark, it's grim, it fucks you up in all the right ways. It's the rare song that feels dated because it's so far ahead of its genre's current game. And I guess I'm down with "Up, Up and Away," too, sure, yeah, whatever, I'm down for a nice song about balloon rides. Everything else, tho. Especially "Somethin' Stupid." Wow. That sure is a thing that happened. That sure is a thing multiple people thought was a great idea! My stars.

TRUE ENDING: "Ode to Billie Joe"

1969 "Harper Valley PTA," by Jeannie C. Riley "Hey Jude," by The Beatles "Honey," by Bobby Goldsboro "Wichita Lineman," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Mrs. Robinson," by Simon & Garfunkel

In back-to-back years, country songs performed by women were nominated for Record of the Year and subsequently adopted into feature-length films. Country music used to own, is the primary takeaway from this exercise so far. Anyhoo. I'm not gonna judge these nominees by what they could have been, because it's not necessarily these songs' fault they're not the songs that actually define this era of American history. They're nice, safe songs, and it's totally understandable why a committee wouldn't disagree with making these the five songs they wanted to present to an increasingly discomfited public for their good-time parade of nice-seeming celebrity. I don't know why I expected an awards show to lead any kind of movement in the late 1960s, it's not their job now and it certainly wasn't then, but I thought I'd at least be getting jams from the past. I got the worst Beatles song and "My Cup Runneth Over."

TRUE ENDING: "Harper Valley PTA"

1970 "A Boy Named Sue," by Johnny Cash "Is That All There Is?" by Peggy Lee "A Time for Us," by Henry Mancini "Spinning Wheel," by Blood, Sweat & Tears WINNER: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In," by The 5th Dimension

Well, this is the least disappointing batch of nominees in years! These songs are more than unobjectionable. "A Boy Named Sue" and "Is That All There Is?" and "Aquarius" are all unimpeachable. Picking one of those three is rough, but honestly I'm just stoked to have a hard choice to make. ...I almost want to go with "A Boy Named Sue" just so I don't have to agree with the Grammys after slagging on them so much, but like "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In." Like, I have a vision of what the 1970s sounded like, and I just typed I had a vision of what something sounded like and I need to like take a walk or drink a water or something. Take a moment, take a breath, come back stronger.

TRUE ENDING: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In"

1971

"(They Long to Be) Close to You," by The Carpenters "Everything is Beautiful," by Ray Stevens "Fire and Rain," by James Taylor "Let It Be," by The Beatles WINNER: "Bridge Over Troubled Water," by Simon & Garfunkel

...OK I'm not into any of these so let's just list other notable songs that were likely released in 1970. "ABC." "Big Yellow Taxi." "Black Magic Woman." "Express Yourself." "Get Up (I Feel Like Being a) Sex Machine." "I WANT YOU BACK." They nominated a song which explicitly states that everything is beautiful and ignored the song which provides IRREFUTABLE FUCKING PROOF the world is beautiful. We're not done. "Lola." "The Letter." "Paranoid." "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS." NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. ONLY THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG OF ALL TIME. THAT HAS NO PLACE IN THE GRAMMYS! WHY SHOULD IT? THERE'S TOO MANY BALLADS IN THE WORLD FOR US TO PAY "SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED I'M YOURS" ANY MIND. Shit. I dunno. How could I possibly know.

TRUE ENDING: "(They Long to Be) Close to You"

1972 "Joy to the World," by Three Dog Night "My Sweet Lord," by George Harrison "Theme from Shaft," by Isaac Hayes "You've Got a Friend," by James Taylor WINNER: "It's Too Late," by Carole King

OH HELL YES. I can get behind this field, which is to say: I am getting behind the theme from Shaft. "Joy to the World" is lovably loony, I'm not about to speak ill of Carole King, "My Sweet Lord" is about as good a song like that as you're ever gonna find, but Shaft. Shaft, y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Theme from Shaft"

1973 "Alone Again (Naturally)," by Gilbert O'Sullivan "American Pie," by Don McLean "Song Sung Blue," by Neil Diamond "Without You," by Harry Nilsson WINNER: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," by Roberta Flack

"Superstition." I honestly don't get what Kanye hopes to accomplish by boycotting the Grammys when the Grammys couldn't give "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours" or "Superstition" their due. What even was that Gilbert O'Sullivan nonsense. Criminy. This is, this is just who they are, y'know? Neil Diamond sings the blues. That most iconic blues performer, Neil Diamond. They get no points for giving the trophy to Roberta Flack. Roberta Flack is something we can all agree on, you don't get a PhD in astronomy for pointing at the sun and saying "that's a bright ol' star!" and you don't get credence as a song-recognizing function for recognizing Roberta Flack made a good song.

TRUE ENDING: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"

1974 "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown," by Jim Croce "Behind Closed Doors," by Charlie Rich "You Are the Sunshine of My Life," by Stevie Wonder "You're So Vain," by Carly Simon WINNER: "Killing Me Softly with His Song," by Roberta Flack

I. I don't WANT to agree with this terrible program twice in a row. I'm glad to see Stevie eventually got a make-up nom, but I don't really feel that song too deeply (at least, judged against the rest of his catalogue; this would be the best song Gilbert O'Sullivan ever made by a country-ass mile), and no that doesn't make any sense but I've listened to 16 years' worth of songs the Grammys think are good, I'm not in a good place right now. I could easily say "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" takes it, it's a great song, it wouldn't be that b -- but "Killing Me Softly with His Song," though! Am I sort of giving it the nod because of The Fugees' version? Yes, but, see, The Fugees' version doesn't get nominated, so.

TRUE ENDING: "Killing Me Softly with His Song"

1975 "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me," by Elton John "Feel Like Makin' Love," by Roberta Flack "Help Me," by Joni Mitchell "Midnight at the Oasis," by Maria Muldaur WINNER: "I Honestly Love You," by Olivia Newton-John

...I mean. I sort of decided to make Roberta Flack a hero today after spending a lifetime not thinking of her that often? But I spent the entire 1960s listening to jazz compositions and friendly dads giving me life advice. "Feel Like Makin' Love" is, when considering the scale of this project, like breathing in skunkless country air after a lifetime in the city. Which isn't to say "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" isn't the class of the pop sub-genre Songs Clay Aiken Can Capably Perform, or that "Help Me" isn't a jam. Just, Roberta Flack made three nice songs, and that makes this project worth pursuing somehow, no matter how many times I have to listen to blondes whisper about how much they love someone.

TRUE ENDING: "Feel Like Makin' Love"

1976 "At Seventeen," by Janis Ian "Lyin' Eyes," by Eagles "Mandy," by Barry Manilow "Rhinestone Cowboy," by Glen Campbell WINNER: "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain & Tennille

the best song i heard in this batch was the five seconds of rock guitar in the miller lite ad that presaged "rhinestone cowboy." i mean, on its own, "rhinestone cowboy" would have been the true ending, but that five seconds of guitar the youtube advertising algorithm attached to the beginning pushed it over the top.

TRUE ENDING: "Rhinestone Cowboy"

1977 "Afternoon Delight," by Starland Vocal Band "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," by Paul Simon "I Write the Songs," by Barry Manilow "If You Leave Me Now," by Chicago WINNER: "This Masquerade," by George Benson

...So, it's been a while, right, since we complained that what was presented to us isn't what it could've been? But since a clear novelty song about bangin' when the sun's out was given a nod, let's see what else 1976 had to offer. Hm, well, the two biggest hits of the year were "Dancing Queen" and "Bohemian Rhapsody." Those aren't too egregious, assuming your standard for egregious is "Signed, Sealed Delivered I'm Yours." Which is to say, if you're dead inside, those aren't notable omissions. "Baby, I Love Your Way" is as basic as anything in this field, but I think people remember that as an Actually Good song, so I'ma bring that up. "I Wish!" "The Rubberband Man" is the best song about a fat man playing his body as an instrument you're ever like to hear. "Squeeze Box" was the centerpoint of one of the better Freaks & Geeks scenes. I'm listening to "I Write the Songs." Everyone who thinks the past is better is wrong. "I Write the Songs” is a less self-aware version of "7 Years." "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" is acceptable, I guess. It was compelling, and it grabbed my attention. I think "This Masquerade" had its moments, but "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" had me. I dunno. I think it's just bad that I, a music history simpleton, could come up with a viable ROTY field with like half a minute of looking at Wikipedia. Hell, I'm gonna go ahead and be super unfair and judge the Grammys for not seeing into the future and seeing all the dope tweets about "The Boys Are Back in Town."

TRUE ENDING: "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

1978 "Blue Bayou," by Linda Rondstadt "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue," by Crystal Gayle "Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star Is Born)," by Barbra Streisand "You Light Up My Life," by Debby Boone WINNER: "Hotel California," by Eagles

I'm going to give this year props for featuring four songs performed by women in the ROTY field. Remember my alt-nominee field from last year? The only women in that field were in ABBA. So at least the Grammys got this right, ignore the racial composition of this field DON'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT, and then it would be until 1999 that the Grammys would have another year with a 4:1 female:male ratio in this category. Anyway, "Blue Bayou." If that surprises you, you haven't been paying attention.

TRUE ENDING: "Blue Bayou"

1979 "Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty "Feels So Good," by Chuck Mangione "Stayin' Alive," by Bee Gees "You Needed Me," by Anne Murray WINNER: "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel

...i thought we were done with jazz instrumentals. another fool am i. Anyway fuck everything in this world that isn't the sax solo in "Baker Street" for not being the sax solo in "Baker Street." See that song is basically a jazz instrumental, but,,, the sax solo in "Baker Street" is maybe the greatest thing that's ever been? Also let's just note how the first disco song nominated for Record of the Year is by three white dudes. Dope. History is cool. But at least we have the sax solo from "Baker Street" to keep us warm.

TRUE ENDING: "Baker Street"

1980 "After the Love Has Gone," by Earth, Wind and Fire "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," by Barbra Streisand & Neil Diamond WINNER: "What a Fool Believes," by The Doobie Brothers

listen, i took some time off to do other things, and then i woke up at two am this morning and said, "let's continue this fool's errand!" and i made it through a few years and now it's two hours later and i am interesting in selecting the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS CHOICE and moving on

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Survive"

1981 "The Rose," by Bette Midler "Lady," by Kenny Rogers "Theme from New York, New York," by Frank Sinatra "Woman in Love," by Barbra Streisand WINNER: "Sailing," by Christopher Cross

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow. um. i mean, 1980 isn't a particularly inspiring year? but got.DAMN this field is so bad "escape (the pina colada song)" has a viable claim to snub status. how did this awards show survive? how did we never do better than this? are we just committed to not being into the american music awards?

TRUE ENDING: "Woman in Love"

1982 "Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)," by Christopher Cross "(Just Like) Starting Over," by John Lennon "Endless Love," by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie "Just the Two of Us," by Grover Washington, Jr. with Bill Withers "Bette Davis Eyes," by Kim Carnes

I've listened to two Christopher Cross songs and "Endless Love" before having any coffee, which was a mistake. We're at this weird point in history where my unearned nostalgia doesn't exist because I'm pretty sure the '80s were mostly terrible, and the Grammys aren't 1981 bad because I get a chance to shout out Bill Withers (which I'm sure he totally appreciates, this sort of seems like something that wouldn't insult his very being, is some asshat pointing out how great he is in a whole entire piece where nothing of substance is ever said), but they're still really fuckin' bad. Also ignore what I said about the '80s being terrible because fuckin' "9 to 5" was dropped this year, as was "Don't Stop Believin'!" They selected John Lennon's best Queen impression. Dead Kennedys released a song called "Nazi Punks Fuck Off!" in 1981. That classic is, somehow, timeless.

TRUE ENDING: "Just the Two of Us"

1983 "Steppin' Out," by Joe Jackson "Ebony and Ivory," by Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder "Always on My Mind," by Willie Nelson "Chariots of Fire," by Vangelis WINNER: "Rosanna," by Toto

As alluded to above, I am a card-carrying member of something I guess I have to call Poo Nation. (There is no card, regrettably.) I'd have to check the rules, but I am pretty sure I'm not allowed to besmirch the good name of Toto, even if the song in question is not "Africa." I think "Steppin' Out" might've been a good true ending in an alternate universe, and it's hard to deny "Chariots of Fire" is legendary (if anything has to be the last instrumental I hear while doing this, I'm glad it was that), but I'm not tryna incur anyone's wrath here. Also, hey, here's Stevie Wonder and Willie Nelson, getting makeup nods for lesser tracks. "Ebony and Ivory," that's just a more prestigious version of "Accidental Racist." No one should feel good about that song. But the first six seconds of Rosanna, that's a sort of "pinnacle of human achievement" thing, that's something we should put in a museum.

TRUE ENDING: "Rosanna"

1984 "Flashdance... What a Feeling," by Irene Cara "Every Breath You Take," by The Police "All Night Long (All Night)," by Lionel Richie "Maniac," by Michael Sembello WINNER: "Beat It!" by Michael Jackson

Wh... What is this? What just happened? A whole five songs I've listened to outside the context of this project? Songs which all still endure to this day? A winner that could actually stake a claim as the most iconic song of 1983? The Grammys! It's like you just took off your glasses and did your hair all fancy and showed up to prom, and I'm just like, oh shit, the theatre dork was actually hot all along! Did we find it? Did we find the turning point? Did Flashdance provide the turning point? Is that the movie musical you guys watched and thought, "Oh shit, this music actually kind of goes, I think we oughta get with the times?" /looks at the next year/ IT IS! Bless you, Flashdance. Bless this change you provoked in the Grammys. I'm not about to do something silly like not pick "Beat It!" but I will at least acknowledge that you are phenomenal and were the true spark that ignited the Grammys and also no one involved in your production ever fucked any kids, probably.

TRUE ENDING: "Beat It!"

1985 "Hard Habit to Break," by Chicago "Girls Just Want to Have Fun," by Cyndi Lauper "The Heart of Rock 'n Roll," by Huey Lewis and the News "Dancing in the Dark," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

hm. it's such a tight field we have here. not a one clear standout in this bunch. i don't know. this is a tough choice. i'm sure glad i wasn't a voting member in 1985. imagine seeing the choice laid before you and slowly having the impossibility of the task ahead dawn on you. what a daunting prospect. (tell ya what tho, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is a strong-as-hell second place, and "Dancing in the Dark" is possibly the strongest bronze.)

TRUE ENDING: "What's Love Got to Do with It," by Tina Turner

1986 "Money for Nothing," by Dire Straits "The Boys of Summer," by Don Henley "The Power of Love," by Huey Lewis & the News "Born in the U.S.A.," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "We Are the World," by USA for Africa

oh praise ra i actually get to break from the grammys So I think "The Power of Love" is solid, I think it'd be hard to find someone who'd say they have any sort of disagreement with this sound. "Born in the U.S.A." is similarly a classic. I love how The Other Side keeps trying to repurpose it as a rousing anthem for them when it is an absolutely scathing indictment of what has become of the American working class. It's such a self-own, playing this song at Republican conventions, and I love it every time it happens. You think they'd have learned how to process subtlety by now! But: I am not attached to "Born in the U.S.A." too deeply beyond that. As an emokid straight outta the mid-aughts (hey there goes my claim to any valid political opinion! later, bro!), have a special connection to "Boys of Summer," tho. Is Don Henley's version The Ataris' version? No. It is not. But we set the precedent in the Roberta Flack threepeat that, even though this is Record of the Year, we will recognize the power of the composition. We also must acknowledge that "Money for Nothing" is the absolute fucking worst.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boys of Summer"

1987 "Sledgehammer," by Peter Gabriel "Greatest Love of All," by Whitney Houston "Addicted to Love," by Robert Palmer "That's What Friends Are For," by Dionne Warwick & Friends WINNER: "Higher Love," by Steve Winwood

One other notable change, apart from the fact the songs are now actual songs that I can imagine people casually listening to in the era in which they were released: these songs are fucking long. You go back to the first Grammys, I don't think any songs lasted past 3:15, and now we have "Sledgehammer," which lasts five minutes. All the songs from the 1986 field were five minutes long. It sort of feels like we've trimmed the excess in our modern era, because my reaction to all these songs is, "Alright, I'm feeling this one! I am grooving! ...Okay, I've grooved. I've felt it. You can go now. No, you can g -- oh, more? OK, cool, I guess that's cool." Except "Addicted to Love." That's a positively breezy four minutes, and it holds the attention the entire time. It's slightly leery? It's kind of "Blurred Lines"y? But it's not overtly gross that it's unworthy of celebration!

TRUE ENDING: "Addicted to Love"

1988 "La Bamba," by Los Lobos "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," by U2 "Luka," by Suzanne Vega "Back in the High Life Again," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Graceland," by Paul Simon

...Yeah, fuck it, "La Bamba," I don't like that the choice I have to make is a cover of a '50s hit, but HASHTAG GRAMMYS, amirite. Time to look at Wikipedia because the Grammys have displeased me! ...OK, so there's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." "Alone" has been a stable of reality singing competitions for thirty years, now! "Bad" woulda been acceptable. "Don't Dream It's Over" may not be the most notable tune in the world, but unlike eventual champion "La Bamba," it was made in 1987. "UM "FAITH" HOW ABOUT?! "The Final Countdown" is listed as a 1987 single and I get why it wouldn't get ROTY love but I would be remiss not to point out its presence on the list. Who doen't love "(I Just) Died in Your Arms?" LL Cool J coulda gotten some hype, I'm not gonna pretend to be familiar with '80s rap but that's a name I know. "Need You Tonight" got INXS a reality show 20 years later. WHAT THE FUCK YOU COULD'VE EASILY REPLACED "LA BAMBA" WITH "RHYTHM IS GONNA GET YOU." "Welcome to the Jungle" is a metal song, sure, but you're gonna tell me that's less influential than "Graceland?" Also I changed my mind because I forgot how fucking good "Luka" is.

TRUE ENDING: "Luka."

1989 "Giving You the Best That I Got," by Anita Baker "Fast Car," by Tracy Chapman "Man in the Mirror," by Michael Jackson "Roll with It," by Steve Winwood WINNER: "Don't Worry, Be Happy," by Bobby McFerrin

I commend "Don't Worry, By Happy" for laying the foundation for maybe the greatest Key & Peele sketch, and I'm loathe to pick two unrelentingly sad songs about good people in awful situations in a row, but, like, "Fast Car." "Fast Car," y'all.

TRUE ENDING: "Fast Car"

1990 "The End of the Innocence," by Don Henley "She Drives Me Crazy," by Fine Young Cannibals "We Didn't Start the Fire," by Billy Joel "The Living Years," by Mike + the Mechanics WINNER: "Wind Beneath My Wings," by Bette Midler

So apparently the two things I liked about the 1980s are the kitschy one-hit-wonder-y singles that are completely of their times, and the songs about horrifying tragedies. But y'know what at least those were closer to the vision of '80s music I had in my head than the options from the '70s were to ‘70s music. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. I've listened to a lot of bad and/or trashy music. For no reason. When was the last time I asked why I was doing this? I would like to ask that question again: why am I doing this

TRUE ENDING: "She Drives Me Crazy"

1991 "Vision of Love," by Mariah Carey "U Can't Touch This," by MC Hammer "From a Distance," by Bette Midler "Nothing Compares 2 U," by Sinead O'Connor WINNER: "Another Day in Paradise," by Phil Collins

MC Hammer has more ROTY nominations as a performer than Prince. The first rap song ever nominated for ROTY was "U Can't Touch This." MC Hammer was the first rapper to earn a ROTY nomination. ...You're right, this isn't fair, MC Hammer apparently built himself, and the distinction easily could've gone to MC Skat Kat. That's the motto: no matter how bad, it could always be worse. TRUE ENDING: "Vision of Love"

1992 "(Everything I Do) I Do it for You," by Bryan Adams "Baby Baby," by Amy Grant "Something to Talk About," by Bonnie Raitt "Losing My Religion," by R.E.M. WINNER: "Unforgettable," by Natalie Cole w/Nat King Cole

I am 100% convinced "Unforgettable" only won because the Grammys were completely in love with the fact Natalie Cole and Nat King Cole performed together. "Look!" they said, laughing and clapping. "Their names are of similar mouthsound! Delightful!" Anyway, instead of the idiosyncratic rock song, we're going with the country song about doin' it.

TRUE ENDING: "Something to Talk About"

1993 "Achy Breaky Heart," by Billy Ray Cyrus "Beauty & the Beast," by Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson "Constant Craving," by k.d. lang "Save the Best for Last," by Vanessa Williams WINNER: "Tears in Heaven," by Eric Clapton

OH SHIT THE GRAMMYS JUST HIT US WITH THE THROWBACK! Awful novelty single? CHECK. Treacly ballad? CHECK. Ponderous slow song from an influential-but-overlooked performer? I FEEL BAD ABOUT SAYING IT BECAUSE IT'S A SONG ABOUT HIS KID WHO DIED BUT, OKAY, THIS IS WHO I AM, CHECK. And we have A NEW KIND OF BAD this year: THE POP VERSION OF THE SONG FROM THE MOVIE MUSICAL. Angela Lansbury or GTFO. k.d. lang does sort of earn this by default, I'm not gonna lie to you and say I dug the song presented to me, but I absoltuely respect the pioneering work she did in advancing stylization in performers' name. k.d. lang paved the streets on which Panic! At the Disco marches.

TRUE ENDING: "Constant Craving"

1994 "A Whole New World," by Peabo Bryson & Regina Belle "The River of Dreams," by Billy Joel "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You," by Sting "Harvest Moon," by Neil Young WINNER: "I Will Always Love You," by Whitney Houston

The end result is always the same, no matter what, but hoo boy, this sequence is something else. '90s music is generally ugh, but you had "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang," "Mr. Jones," "No Rain," "Shoop," "What's Up?" But this. Billy Joel. Again. It's only been three times or something but it feels like Billy Joel has been nominated for this award every year.

TRUE ENDING: "I Will Always Love You"

1995 "I'll Make Love to You," by Boyz II Men "He Thinks He'll Keep Her," by Mary Chapin Carpenter "Love Sneakin' up on You," by Bonnie Raitt "Streets of Philadelphia," by Bruce Springsteen WINNER: "All I Wanna Do," by Sheryl Crow

The Grammys have relapsed pretty hard. And because we're in the 1990s, and also I've kind of hit a wall in terms of my enthusiasm for this project, I'm not even listening to these songs, because there's not any lessons to be gleaned here, music was being taken over by grunge and rap and the Grammys didn't know how to react so they literally gave their biggest award to a song which states, "All I wanna do is have some fun." Let's just have some fun, guys! Stop being so sad about everything, let's just, let's play Parcheesi! You used to love Parcheesi! Let's play Parcheesi and just, let's just have some fun! But yeah the Grammys are havin' some issues coming to terms with reality.

TRUE ENDING: "I'll Make Love to You"

1996 "One Sweet Day," by Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men "Gangsta's Paradise," by Coolio "One of Us," by Joan Osborne "Waterfalls," by TLC WINNER: "Kiss from a Rose," by Seal

Now THIS. This, I can extremely fuck with. Nary a quibble I have with the Grammys' assessment of 1995! Do I maybe trade out "One Sweet Day" for "Fantasy?" Of course, I'm not that dead inside. Do I maybe replace "One of Us" with "You Oughta Know?" Eh, I think "One of Us" is more timeless, in that it's about God and not Dave Coulier, but I'd hear the argument. Do I maybe put "Life's a Bitch" in there instead of "Gangsta's Paradise?" Yes, but I completely get why they wouldn't. I think we've found it. I think we've found the most acceptable list! And the winner is almost the acceptable winner! Also, I didn't realize this until I dove into the list of hits from 1995, but apparently Ko[backwards R]n and P.O.D. were active and hitmakers in 1995. I knew it was coming soon? But I didn’t think it started when I was in Kindergarten.

TRUE ENDING: "Gangsta's Paradise"

1997 "Give Me One Reason," by Tracy Chapman "Because You Loved Me," by Celine Dion "Ironic," by Alanis Morissette "1979," by The Smashing Pumpkins WINNER: "Change the World," by Eric Clapton

And we're back. Though, hey, the Grammys are still making incremental progress. There's grunge, earning respectful recognition that it did, indeed, happen, and the Grammys were aware of it but ever distant! Alanis Morissette gets a nod for writing a song about how sometimes bad things happen! And TRACY CHAPMAN JUST ENDS THE FUCKING GAME. Someone once described "Give Me One Reason" as the last true blues hit, and that is such an accurate assessment. Everything about "Give Me One Reason" owns. I am thrilled to have shared some portion of the earth with the two Tracy Chapman songs we have briefly discussed.

TRUE ENDING: "Give Me One Reason"

1998 "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow "MMMBop," by Hanson "I Believe I Can Fly," by R. Kelly WINNER: "Sunny Came Home," by Shawn Colvin

I believe it was @fart who tweeted that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" share two different perspectives of the same event, and I'm sticking to that here. This right here is sort of the distillation of the '90s, assuming you're ignoring, y'know, rap: while you can't deny that this was probably what everyone in the '90s was listening to, you can absolutely fault everyone in the '90s for listening to this, because this is bad. But this is what was popular! "MMMBop," a song about grappling with your own mortality while making mouthsounds, was the biggest fucking song! You couldn't escape it! "It" referring to "MMMBop!" Like, the 1981 field was bad? But it was bad because it was bland, and it was regressive, and it wasn't of the time. This is bad because the songs are bad. They're all dated, they have no appeal beyond kitschiness, they're just, ugh. For once, it's not the Grammys' fault. ...Not entirely. Again: rap. We had that. We didn't have do the Sheryl Crow thing again.

TRUE ENDING: "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?"

1999 "The Boy Is Mine," by Brandy & Monica "Iris," by Goo Goo Dolls "Ray of Light," by Madonna "You're Still the One," by Shania Twain WINNER: "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion

The '90s weren't without their saving graces, of course. Golly. Imagine being presented with this field and voting for something that wasn't "The Boy Is Mine." So many people did! I'm not gonna sit here and say that "My Heart Will Go On" wasn't the biggest musical craze of 1998, I lived through that shit, I endured that shit, believe you me, from a historical standpoint, it deserves this award. It's not history's fault, though, that so many more people listened to "My Heart Will Go On" than "The Boy Is Mine." It's those people's fault. WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE. What was wrong with you. ...At least you're still 15 or so years from your choice being Macklemore. It's hard to tell which is worse, but at least there's a good chunk of time between your failings.

TRUE ENDING: "The Boy Is Mine"

2000 "I Want It That Way," by Backstreet Boys "Believe," by Cher "Livin' La Vida Loca," by Ricky Martin "No Scrubs," by TLC WINNER: "Smooth," by Santana ft./Rob Thomas

...I don't like what I'm about to do. You know I think "Smooth" is a hot one. You know how I feel about guys in the passenger side of their best friend's ride, tryna holla at me. You know what I believe with regards to an existence of a life after love. You know I live that crazy life. ...If I'm doing karaoke, though. If I'm doing karaoke, and I need one song to fire every fucker in this dingy bar the fuck up, I need an all-time classic song that everyone loves and everyone knows, IF I AM SELECTING ONE JAM TO TAKE THIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH CALLED LIFE TO FLAVOR TOWN. ...It's gonna be "I Want It That Way." It's a perfect song. It is expertly crafted, the epitome of Swedish song design. It's this massive engine driving this amazing being into existence. I don't like that it is perfect. You may not like that it is perfect. But it is perfect and we love it. There are truths in life which are undeniable. "I Want It That Way" is one such truth.

TRUE ENDING: "I Want It That Way"

2001 "Say My Name," by Destinys Child "I Try," by Macy Gray "Music," by Madonna "Bye Bye Bye," by *NSYNC WINNER: "Beautiful Day," by U2

ugh what is with the u2 thing Anyway, this would ideally be where we start recognizing the things Beyonce has done for the world and all who live in it, except "I Try" is amazing. Also we're in the aughts and everyone knows and loves the aughts and no one has anything bad to say about the aughts so I'm not even gonna try to stretch for profundity it's lightning round time.

TRUE ENDING: "I Try"

2002 "Video," by india.arie "Fallin'," by Alicia Keys "Ms. Jackson," by OutKast "Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)," by Train WINNER: "Walk On," by U2

SERIOUSLY THIS U2 THING. WHAT ARE THEY SEEING THAT I'M NOT. WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE IN THERE. Anyway, hello. Rap has been around for two and a half decades and three rap songs have been nominated for Record of the Year in this space. That is as many rap songs as U2 songs in the same span of time. And lemme just skip ahead real quick here, and... Yep, yep, of course, the entire genre of rap and U2 are still tied in the official Record of the Year Grammy count! That's incredibly acceptable and great.

TRUE ENDING: "Ms. Jackson"

2003 "A Thousand Miles," by Vanessa Carlton "Without Me," by Eminem "Dilemma," by Nelly & Kelly Rowland "How You Remind Me," by Nickelback WINNER: "Don't Know Why," by Norah Jones

Legit question: is "Dilemma" the last great duet? I know Drake and Rihanna have put in work trying to find a great duet, I know Usher and Alicia Keys dropped "My Boo," I'm going to point out New Found Glory and Hayley Williams collaborated on "Vicious Love" and wait until this point is completely ignored before I move on, there we go, I think this might be the last great pop duet! I think the last great pop duet features the iconic screencap of Microsoft Excel Messenger!

TRUE ENDING: "Dilemma"

2004 "Crazy in Love," by Beyonce ft./Jay-Z "Where Is the Love?" by The Black Eyed Peas "Lose Yourself," by Eminem "Hey Ya!" by OutKast WINNER: "Clocks," by Coldplay

See, I'm disqualifying "Crazy in Love" from consideration from the "great duets" debate because it's not a duet. Jay-Z has a feature verse. Anyway: FUCK THIS. "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" absolutely 100% fuck this. Like that's a goddamn debate right there. There could be an entire 1000-episode podcast debating who should have won this category, "Crazy in Love" or "Hey Ya!" And it's not like the other three are slouches. "Lose Yourself" is disappointingly but definitely more popular than either track, "Where Is the Love?" is the kinda-awesome midpoint between Woke BEP and Party BEP, and I'd bop "Clocks" from the party but I'd let it hang for a few minutes, get a glimpse of a world other than its own before throwing it out on its ass. But "Crazy in Love" vs. "Hey Ya!" Fuck, dude. ...Grammys can tie, right? Yeah, there's ties in the Grammys. Fuck it, even if there's not ties in the Grammys, there's ties in this weird alternate reality Grammys because legitimately how the fuck do you choose.

TRUE ENDING: "Hey Ya!" & "Crazy in Love"

2005 "Let's Get it Started," by The Black Eyed Peas "American Idiot," by Green Day "Heaven," by Los Lonely Boys "Yeah!" by Usher ft./Lil' Jon & Ludacris WINNER: "Here We Go Again," by Ray Charles & Norah Jones

...Like?

TRUE ENDING: "Yeah!"

2006 "We Belong Together," by Mariah Carey "Feel Good Inc.," by Gorillaz ft./De La Soul "Hollaback Girl," by Gwen Stefani "Gold Digger," by Kanye West ft./Jamie Foxx WINNER: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," by Green Day

...OK, shit. Um. "We Belong Together" set the Mariah comeback in stone and history has a place for it, but I don't have a trophy for it. It's "Gold Digger" vs. "Boulevard" for me, and... And I think I gotta give it to. "Boulevard?" See, here's the thing, though, if "Stronger" were nominated a few years down the line, or "Love Lockdown," or "Niggas in Paris," yes! Absolutely, there'd be an argument! But "Gold Digger" is... Not his finest song? It's a funny-ish song about a stereotype. It has charm, it has that Ray Charles sample, but it's sort of, what's the phrase I'm looking for? Chop up the soul Kanye? It's that. It's good not great. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is a song that captured the hopelessness and futility of life as a lower-class individual in the Bush era and is presently capturing the hopelessness and futility of life as anyone in the Trump era. The world needed and continues to need songs like that.

TRUE ENDING: "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

2007 "Be Without You," by Mary J. Blige "You're Beautiful," by James Blunt "Crazy," by Gnarls Barkley "Put Your Records On," by Corinne Bailey Rae WINNER: "Not Ready to Make Nice," by Dixie Chicks

"Not Ready to Make Nice" is the shit. I wanted Mary J. Blige or Gnarls Barkley to win, I could almost write that argument, but I just, "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the angriest song ever written. It is the apotheosis of the "message to the haters" song; it walks the same thematic ground as Tay Tay's "Shake It Off," but thunder emanates from its every step. And it's angry in that plain-spoken metaphorless way only country music can pull off. She does not obscure what has her fucked up: the letter stated, "shut up and sing or your life will be over." She is not going to forget. It's so powerful. Does it define 2006 in music? No, let's not be silly, "SexyBack" owned the year, Timbaland had more than a few songs hit #1, this song didn't have reach or impacy beyond the Grammy, but this song. This fucking song, man.

TRUE ENDING: "Not Ready to Make Nice"

2008 "Irreplaceable," by Beyonce "The Pretender," by Foo Fighters "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z "What Goes Around.../...Comes Around," by Justin Timberlake WINNER: "Rehab," by Amy Winehouse

okay no need to write an extended defense of this one, we know what's up

TRUE ENDING: "Irreplaceable"

2009 "Chasing Pavements," by Adele "Viva la Vida," by Coldplay "Bleeding Love," by Leona Lewis "Paper Planes," by M.I.A. WINNER: "Please Read the Letter," by Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

i'm not really feelin' any of these songs, but WE'RE SO CLOSE TO THE END so fuck it here's the song i come closest to feeling

TRUE ENDING: "Paper Planes"

2010 "Halo," by Beyonce "I Gotta Feeling," by The Black Eyed Peas "Poker Face," by Lady Gaga "You Belong with Me," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Use Somebody," by Kings of Leon

oh wow, so, y'know, okay, how? how do we still have years like this? i know dope tunes were released in 2009 because i lived it, how do so many people get together and think, "yes! these!" this field is so bad, if you dropped drake's "best i ever had" into it, it would have a legit claim to the title. this is unconscionable! i hate this! why did i do this?

TRUE ENDING: "Poker Face"

2011 "Nothin' on You," by B.O.B. ft./Bruno Mars "Love the Way You Lie," by Eminem & Rihanna "Fuck You," by Cee Lo Green "Empire State of Mind," by Jay-Z ft./Alicia Keys WINNER: "Need You Now," by Lady Antebellum

Ah, the poetry of a group with the word Antebellum in their name emerging from a pack of black artists to claim a trophy they didn't deserve. Memories! What lovely recent history! Anyhoo, as sure as the earth is round, "Fuck You" is the best pop song of the decade so far. I'll fight you. Dungeon fam, I just gave you two Grammys for the mantle.

TRUE ENDING: "Fuck You"

2012 "Holocene," by Bon Iver "Grenade," by Bruno Mars "The Cave," by Mumford & Sons "Firework," by Katy Perry TRUE ENDING: "Rolling in the Deep," by Adele

"love on top," "party rock anthem," "niggas in paris," "the motto," "the edge of glory." what the fuck, you guys. picking songs that are good isn't hard but you fucked it up five times in a row somehow.

TRUE ENDING: i mean "Rolling in the Deep" i guess? ye gods this is dire

2013 "Lonely Boy," by The Black Keys "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)," by Kelly Clarkson "We Are Young," by Fun. ft./Janelle Monae "Thinkin Bout You," by Frank Ocean "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together," by Tay Tay WINNER: "Somebody That I Used to Know," by Gotye ft./Kimbra

So now that we have years and years of historical context for the Grammys, let's take a minute to discuss what a miracle it was that Frank Ocean was ever nominated. The Grammys spent years ignoring anything resembling a subculture. As the 1960s grew increasingly psychedelic, the Grammys kept handing out nominations to Frank Sinatra and jazz instrumentals and gentle sweater dads. They dipped their toes into funkier things in the '70s, but they stayed the hell away from actual funk, from rock, from anything that looked like it might have been near cocaine at any point in their life. They gave Frank Sinatra a ROTY nomination in 1980. 1980! The Grammys had shown zero sign that they were even close to acknowledging a black man with ambiguous sexuality singing songs just on the edge of the mainstream existed. "Thinkin Bout You" peaked at 32 Stateside. There would have been zero outcry outside of The Internet if his song weren't nominated. And yet! They did! I don't get how, but I dig it! Anyway the best song of these six is "We Are Young" and how. How is "Call Me Maybe." ...A thousand steps forward, one step back, I guess.

TRUE ENDING: "We Are Young"

2014 "Radioactive," by Imagine Dragons "Royals," by Lorde "Locked Out of Heaven," by Bruno Mars "Blurred Lines," by Robin Thicke ft./Pharrell Williams & T.I. WINNER: "Get Lucky," by Daft Punk ft./Pharrell Williams

yeah they got it right, i don't care

TRUE ENDING: "Get Lucky"

2015 "Fancy," by Iggy Azalea ft./Charli XCX "Chandelier," by Sia "Shake It Off," by Tay Tay "All About that Bass," by Meghan Trainor WINNER: "Stay with Me," by Sam Smith

wooooooooooooooooooooooooow you really dont have to go back that far to find one of the all-time worst fields. i don't know if we've dropped any song off the face of the earth faster than "fancy," i barely even remembered it existed. "all about that bass" gets more embarrassing with each passing day. "stay with me" is mor pap. "shake it off" is horrifyingly immature and features tay tay rapping, which is, it's just a gross thing to have experienced. "chandelier." "chandelier" almost single-handedly redeems this field. i know i've used this blog to discuss what a miracle it is that sia exists as she does in the music landscape today, but legitimately, what the fuck. how? i don't mind! but how? but no for real "Chandelier," "Happy," "Problem," "Drunk in Love..." hoo boy 2014 was dire, uh, "Timber." shit, dude, yeah, "Timber." ok. ok yeah i guess it's ok as long as "Rude!" didn't make the cut.

TRUE ENDING: "Chandelier"

2016 "Really Love," by D'Angelo & the Vanguard "Thinking Out Loud," by Ed Sheeran "Blank Space," by Tay Tay "Can't Feel My Face," by The Weeknd WINNER: "Uptown Funk," by Mark Ronson ft./Bruno Mars

"Uptown Funk"/"Can't Feel My Face" is the toughest choice since "Hey Ya!"/"Crazy in Love." I think I give it to "Uptown Funk," simply because it doesn't feel like "Can't Feel My Face" exists without it, but man, "Can't Feel My Face" is such a solid track.

TRUE ENDING: "Uptown Funk"

2017 "Hello," by Adele "Formation," by Beyonce "7 Years," by Lukas Graham "Work," by Rihanna ft./Drake "Stressed Out," by twenty one pilots

listen, if i had to pick the field, it's "formation," "stresed out," "love yourself," "closer," and "black beatles." maybe throw "panda" in there over "stressed out," more people seemed to be into that than "stressed out," who cares, 2016 just wasn't great for anything on earth which exists, but hey! at least this field is more or less accurate! i don't know what "7 years" is doing here, and neither do you, but i know we're both hoping it wins so we can watch the first fires of the revolution.

TRUE ENDING: "Formation"

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