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bsaka7 · 1 year

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hi! a while back I wrote my first smutty pierresteban fic on ao3 and you wrote the nicest, most thorough review I’ve ever read in my life and it honestly made my entire month 💕 so thank you!!

not sure if you’ve spoken about this before but I wanted to ask - what goes through your mind when you write reviews / read fic? how are you able to just capture the essence of what spoke to you and at the same time convey such appreciation to the writer? it’s truly an art. as a writer yourself, what kind of reviews make you the happiest / most satisfied?

omg!!! I'm so honored that my comment made such an impact - I'm sure what you wrote was absolutely lovely!! It's really nice to know that my comments have an impact for you as well as for me bc I do rlly enjoy writing them. This is also such a nice question - I don't think I've been asked it before - and I definitely have thoughts hahaha!! Many thoughts. Many more than are even below the cut perhaps...

What goes through my mind when I write a comment?

I guess it's a couple of different things. For me, the fic I like best catches on something - a theme, a twist on a relationship - that I don't find elsewhere. I really like fic that makes me think about something differently. I think part of this is how I like to engage with texts generally - I read a lot but like, you can't tell the author of a novel what you thought so easily. So those thoughts I have generally get harnessed into comments bc I know someone will read them.

Within that, I'm like... I guess I try to be a critical thinker and consider things deeper than surface level and that of course applies to fic. So I try to pull out a couple of ways I think the author did things differently than maybe I would expect - a plot twist, or a characterization choice, or a thematic engagement. Idk i want people to know that I take their writing just as seriously as anything else I read. A big worry when I'm commenting is being accidentally mean - I've been called condescending a lot in my life hahaha - so that is also always on my mind as well.

I don't really think about my comment til I get to the end of a fic where I usually ask myself what was the most memorable and then I give it a little bit of time to percolate and then write the comment... Idk. Some of this is probably also affected by both like... how being a history major trained me to think about reading and also bc - I'm fairly picky about what I read (I don't read that much fic and I honestly am not a great commenter overall - I do have to really like it/want more of it/find something of interest in it), I read a lot, and I'm very confident in what I like.

How do I capture what spoke to me and convey my appreciation to the writer?

Okay to be honest I worry about this a lot... Like is it too much of what I thought?? Am I getting away from the meaning of the text? I feel like also I am kind of a hater generally but I 1) never want to make anyone feel bad about their writing and 2) especially don't want to do so accidentally.

So for me, when I'm writing a comment, I try to chunk it out into the different ideas that I liked (for example: main ship dynamic, external friendships, and fate), and jot my thoughts down for them. I try to focus on those ideas over like idk writing technique. Once I get down all my vague thoughts, I'll go back and flesh them out into sentences and include something specific about each of those points. For at least one point, I try to include a line I particularly liked. Then I go back through again and try make sure I didn't say anything accidentally insulting (I generally do also have critiques when I read but I try and lean as heavily into the positive as I can and make sure I only ever tell someone that if they ask me). For shorter fics, I'll do maybe only one or two ideas, but for longer ones my comments can get... Long. I'm not sure if that totally answers your question but that's the like... balance I try to strike?

As to what kind of reviews make me the happiest/most satisfied...

I was actually talking to one of my very good friends about this the other day. Unsurprisingly, the comments I like to get are similar to those I try to write. My favorite comments are the ones that go deeper - what themes did you like and did you see, how do you see the characters thinking about their lives. I really enjoy when people make external connections whether that to be of other books/articles or music (but this can be hit or miss based on if we have similar taste lol) or pieces of art, especially bc its often stuff that idk about!! For me, I try with most of my fic to weigh in on some larger theme or question and I really like when ppl engage with that because they're always going to bring in new thoughts and ideas that I can't come up with on my own!!! My friend says that I like debate (I love debate) hahaha so I do like stuff that pushes me about the text can be understood.

That being said like. I also really appreciate when people tell me lines they like, or even just a single line that they enjoyed the fic. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about engagement bc I'm not!!! I just love when people are willing to go deeper. I do also think like I'm a person whose very willing to have a conversation in the comments which like... Idk not congrous with current ao3 culture hahaha.

I also really appreciate when people say my fic is like.... very understandable but still has a lot to say because that makes me very proud (especially because I don't consider myself a very strong writer... I consider myself middling in both quality and popularity). I also really appreciate stuff from my friends bc like... They know me, yknow? But anyway, I really do appreciate all comments but that's a bit of what makes a comment special!!

Anyway... That's the gist!!! Thank you for the questions and I'm sorry if I accidentally said something cruel in all my rambling. I would say this is fairly accurate to how I read and comment and I hope it's interesting at the very least!!! Please feel free to weigh in with your thoughts/comment strategy etc as well!!!!

#Ask game #Omg i wrote so much and spent so long on it hahaha #Anyone who reads... Cheers for REAL!!!!#I also like hardcore fall back on the same phrases in comments which sometimes I feel bad about idk #With like my friends who I workshop fic with for real.... We can get rlly nitty gritty hahaha #So idk... I guess the gist is. Ideas I like. Phrases I like. Be nice about it!!#Idk if I've ever actually been mean in a comment but boy do I worry lol #Ok i gotta go for a run for real now... Rocky here I come #I've also gotten crazier about writing comments in like the last 8mo #Bc i have. Time #Lbr the catchphrase here is i like critical engagement in both sides lol #But that feels like a whack word to use when talking about fic #Like I'll just as happily talk about ur fic like this as like idk. A long form journalism article.. Or a novel.#It's all writing it all has different purposes and angles. I like it all

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xellandria · 3 years

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Zmija Yilan was a temporary character I played towards the end of our Tomb of Annihilation campaign after my boy Alexus got petrified by a beholder somewhere deep in the bowels of the tomb itself. We were able to “salvage” both him and Amara (who had also gotten petrified in the same fight) by shoving them into the Bag of Holding, but short of having the two of us sit on the bench while the remaining two party members waddled back to town, we had to roll some new characters.

I spent most of the week between the petrification and the new characters appearing being mad at myself for not remembering I had Inspiration I could have used to reroll either of my failed dex saves and not being able to do much beyond that, but with less than 72 hours left until she had to debut, I finally pulled an idea out of my butt, ran it by the DM because it involved Shenanigans™, got the OK and started designing her. Thus was born Zmija Yilan, whose appearance was based partly on an old photo that was semi-viral on Tumblr several years prior and partly on Xelloss from Slayers because when I’m in a pinch, that’s always who I fall back on, and have been doing so for like, 20+ years at this point lmao. Personality-wise, there was a post floating around Tumblr that week about proverbs in various languages that, when translated literally or without context, made very little sense so she got a lot of that (and associated misunderstandings based on language mix-ups) mixed in with—again—Xelloss from Slayers, because I am a hack. I would probably never play her again because she was so firmly entrenched in that campaign and also there’s some parts of how I designed/played her that I look back on and am like “ehhh I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the optics of this,” but I enjoyed playing her a lot more than I expected, and I look back on the end of our Tomb campaign very fondly because of it.

I haven’t been able to talk about her in public both for a lack of reason to do so and because I didn’t want to “spoil” my group in case they found my various social media posts, but as it’s nearly a year since she was introduced and nine months since the campaign ended, I’m gonna absolutely wall of text the shit outta this bitch, rofl (that said there’s baby’s first nekkid pin-up under here so assuming Tumblr lets me actually post it, fair warning for that under the cut)

Zmija Yilan - level 8-10 Human* Warlock (Great Old Ones/Pact of the Tome) (usually this is where my D&D character posts put stats but I don’t actually have access to her character sheet anymore, so let’s just pretend she had something ridiculous like maxed Charisma because I remember my spell DC being ridiculously high)

Zmija Yilan is a traveler from the far-off land of Zemlya, and a disciple of Matrymriy, one of the "family" of five gods in the pantheon of that region. Matrymriy came to Zmija in a dream one night and told her to travel across the seas because She had a task for her, and that she would learn more once she reached her destination. She's been traveling around Faerun for seven or so years—reaching one place, being given hints to go to a specific location, and upon reaching it, being told to travel on without seeming to do much more than just Be There. Upon reaching Chult sometime within the last few months, her patron's hints indicated that she should travel to a place called Shilku Bay; she hired a guide (named Salida) and a bodyguard (a Fort Belurian mook) with what little locally-acceptable currency she had; they got separated after being attacked by a band of undead, and after failing to reunite with them, she was wandering around lost, trusting that Matrymriy will guide her where She desires her to go.

Part of her wandering had her end up in the Tomb of the Nine Gods itself, where she encountered our adventuring party (down two player characters) desperately trying to find their way out of the tomb in the hopes of returning to Port Nyanzaru to depetrify their friends. Our barbarian’s player immediately distrusted her because I’d drawn her tabletop token with her back to the camera, which was an awkward feeling almost immediately returned in-game because both the barbarian and paladin aren’t hardcore RPers but they had to carry all the RP weight as they were introduced to this new character and explain that they were there to destroy a lich (both because it was the source of all the bad undead in the area, and because they’d been promised a reward—a motivation Zmija understood, as “a hungry bear will not dance.”) Beyond the usual RP awkwardness there was an additional layer of awkwardness between the characters IC as at the time, Thokk was barely wearing more than a breastplate and loincloth, while Zmija was covered neck-to-ankle despite the heat and humidity of the region. She claimed that in the culture of Zemlya, having strangers see your skin was a mark of great shame and that modesty was of paramount importance, so seeing so much of him was very off-putting and threw her off-balance for much of their initial interactions.

Getting off on the “wrong” foot with the party and pushing as hard as I could into Zmija’s quirks (the weird proverbs, sprinkling in her Zemlyan vocabulary and making a point of her being from Very Far Away with Very Different Customs) meant I went a little too hard on them at the beginning, which is partly what I’d do differently and partly why the whole thing ended up working, so it’s a weird retrospective balance. If my partymates had ever shoved (almost) any of the names or places Zmija mentioned into google, they probably would have twigged to the scheme pretty dang fast.

In reality, Zmija is not a human traveler from Zemlya, because surprise! she's actually Zsaksatyi, a Chultian Yuan-Ti Pureblood under the command of Fenthaza. She worked as a bit of a double agent/interrogator within the Fane prior to her current assignment (hence her spell list's focus on information gathering, silent communication, and manipulation); she's been fleshing out her alternate persona for years and would occasionally pretend to be a captive and be thrown in one of those cells the party was in to get relevant information from the other prisoners, or assist others that were interrogating prisoners by more direct means (via Detect Thoughts). In-universe, the language she pretends to speak is mostly made up, and something she's been working on for years at this point—it's not a fully-fleshed conlang and she only has a couple hundred words and phrases but it's enough to be consistent and believable when she sprinkles it into regular speech. Since there's no real risk of running into anyone else from Zemlya (because it doesn't actually exist), it mostly didn't matter, and since there's actual meaning behind the words she does have, in theory it would have held up to a spell like Comprehend Languages as well. Out of universe, the language she speaks is an amalgamation of my own conlang stuff (which, like the in-universe version, is very limited and not complete) and various words and phrases pulled mostly from real-world Slavic languages (russian, croatian, hungarian, etc) with a little bit of Turkish thrown in when my English-only ear felt that it fit or when I had already used a word and needed another word for the same thing. Zsaksatyi (pronounced dzahk sot-YEE) is the only name/word in the whole mess that doesn’t actually mean something somewhere, and was a combination of syllables from an online Yuan-Ti name generator that I kinda liked together. If she had ever been outed, I would probably have come up with something a little less cumbersome for me and my (almost certainly wholly monolingual) D&D group to say... but she didn’t, so Zsaksatyi it stays!

She very much looks up to Fenthaza and almost idolizes and worships her—if she ever had to choose between Fenthaza or Dendar, things might have gotten a little bit rough for her (possibly no matter which way she ultimately jumped, though I imagine Dendar's vengeance would be more immediate, if Dendar's a hands-on sort of patron). Thankfully (for her), there was very little risk of that given that the party had left Fenthaza on reasonably neutral terms (having already helped her oust Ras Nsi from his position of power in the Fane and the party having essentially marked that dungeon as “cleared”). Fenthaza had sent her to scout the Tomb of the Nine Gods and locate (or steal) an artifact known as the Black Opal Crown, which will allow the Night Mother to emerge into the world. The group actually came across the crown pretty soon after Zmija (and our other new character, a firbolg druid named Mei Ren who replaced our cleric, Amara) joined them, but the party couldn’t figure out how to get it out of the room it was in and Zsaksatyi was content that it would be safe from both our group and other adventurers there while she found her way back to the Fane (though she Sent the location to Fenthaza in case she wasn’t able to make it back). That was actually like, halfway through the session right after she’d been introduced so having her sneak off that fast would have been absolutely wild, so I kept playing her as Zmija and while there were myriad opportunities for her to be discovered—including a hallway where any non-magical non-living thing got evaporated, up to and including clothing—she never was. The fact that the only spells she ever used spell slots on were Hex, Counterspell, and Identify never really got commented upon, because prior to her joining the party we didn’t have a source for any sort of utility magic and we’d been feeling the lack for a while. She was a lot of fun to play just as Zmija once I got the hang of her, but the hidden agenda that only our DM & I knew about was an extra layer of fun, too. It would have been neat to see how the party reacted to a reveal, but unless Jim wants to take us back to Chult to actually deal with the Night Mother’s return (because without having to keep up appearances and alignments, I’m pretty sure I could have gotten that crown out of there even before the weird teleport-defying magic of the Tomb got turned off), her story is over for us—taking her outside of the setting she was designed for would be weird... plus we already have two warlocks (well, one and a half) in a party of four PCs; adding a third would be a little bit bizarre, I think.

Her more Yuan-ti features include scales down her spine and across her shoulderblades, on the backs of her hands, and on her hips and thighs—mostly in reds, oranges, and browns, but as she increases in power and connection with the Night Mother, more of them are darkening to Her blue-black; it started right at that spot between the shoulderblades where you always picture being stabbed in the back, and has expanded from there; I imagine by level 20 all of her scales would be that blue-black and may have encroached further on the more human-y leather bits, probably encroaching on her face at the last, which would make being a spy a lot more difficult (even moreso than wearing as much clothing as she already does) but I guess at level 20, do you really need to be sneaking around pretending to be human?

In direct sunlight or other very bright light, her pupils constrict to slits, which is the real reason for her heavy eye makeup—between the distraction of it and the (somewhat exaggerated) squinting that such light induces, it often goes unnoticed, as it did with her character portrait (although to be fair to my party, Alexus also has slit eyes because that’s one of the traits of elves and half elves in D&D, and also I’m not sure if they ever saw her portrait any larger than 150x150 or whatever Roll20 shows them at). Both her top and bottom canine teeth are sharper, longer, and narrower than is typical for humans, and she is careful not to grin too widely and will cover her mouth when she laughs or yawns, whether she is in disguise or not. That part I’ve never drawn though, so I can’t really point to that as something the party overlooked, heh. In hindsight, I wish I'd given her more/heavier snake features but even the official art for Yuan-Ti player characters are very light on them and getting around the differences between human and yuan-ti racials without tipping off the party was hard enough as it was—I took the 120 feet of magic-ignoring darkvision invocation to disguise the fact that she innately had darkvision, I never used my racial spells and abilities unless I was willing to “use” a spell slot on them and had another plausible way to have obtained them, the one time I got hit with a poison ability (which she was immune to) I spent a lot of time “figuring out the math” on how much HP I had to drop, etc. I also wish I’d given her darker skin, as she is supposed to be Chultian but she is significantly lighter than all the NPCs we came across. Then again, I’m as white as a sheet soaked in bleach so there’s something weird about me RPing folks of colour regardless (especially given her fake backstory, agh agh agh) so yeah. Really enjoyed her, don’t regret her, will not ever play her again rofl

In our very last session of Tomb of Annhiliation, the party—fresh off the victory over the big bad lich whose name I can never spell and his weird world-eating fetus—headed back to Port Nyanzaru via the Aarakocra village of Kir Sabal, which the previous variant of the party (of whom only Thokk remained alive and mobile enough to talk to them) had helped out significantly earlier in the campaign, unlocking a flying ritual that we were like “man we’re not coming back here if we’re gonna use it we gotta do it now” to get us the rest of the way to the port. En route, Zmija tried to leave the group and rolled a secret 15 Stealth roll... contested by 17 and 18 perception rolls from Mei Ren and Thokk, but as she wasn’t carrying much of the party’s stuff and it was the end of the campaign, they kinda just let her give some line about seeing them again in the future maybe, the Mother’s will is unknowable, etc etc. I think if Duf and Kattii didn’t know that I wanted Alexus back as badly as I did and that we were like twenty minutes (real time) away from actually getting him back, they might have considered that more suspicious than they did.

Pronunciations (and translations): (mostly C&Ped from her bio, which is the only part of her character sheet I can still access on Roll20)

Zmija Yilan: zMEE-ah yee-LAHN. Because I'm subtle as hell, that's Croatian/Russian/Ukranian (first name) and Turkish (last name) for "snake/serpent," according to the internet. What do you mean Remus Lupin is a werewolf?!

Matrymriy: mah-tRRuh mRREE (Rs are rolled). Matrymriy is Zmija's claimed patron—one of five major Zemlyashan dieties—but she'll state that she doesn't know the name that she goes by in the local dialect. That's only partly true, of course—мати мрій is Ukranian for "Mother of Dreams" (at least according to google translate), which is close enough to her patron's actual names and titles (Dendar, the Night Mother) that she can get away with it without actually raising suspicions about the true source of her powers. She'll also do that thing where if someone tries to say the name back to her she'll "correct" them by saying it exactly the same four or five times and then "give up" and accept whatever "butchered" version the speaker comes up with, except she'll do it even if they're actually saying it perfectly correctly. She may do this with her own name as well (sorry, Jim. And Duf. And Dustin. And Kattii. And Kattii's coworker, if he ever joins us and I'm still playing this character by then, lmao.) (2021 addition: and literally everyone who has a name that isn’t typically pronounced by us English-only plebians, I am so sorry I’m not better at your language)

Zsaksatyi: dzahk sot-YEE. Zmija's real name, when she isn't pretending to be a human. That doesn't mean anything as far as I know, it was just a combination of some of the syllables the random Yuan-Ti name generator was coming up with that I liked (which is also where "Itszella" was from), lol. I may end up changing it to be less cumbersome at some point, unless it comes up before then and ends up written in stone, but I'm on a bit of a time crunch for the moment.

Zemlya: zem-lyah. If pressed for more detail on where in Zemlya she's from (e.g. by someone pretending to know details about her country), her home town is Fal'shyva (fall-sheh-VAH), southeast of the capital of Hayali (HI-yah-LEE) and just north of the port city of Farazi (fah-ra-DZI), which is where she originally sailed from seven years ago. фальшива земля is Ukranian for "fake land," Hayali is Turkish for "imaginary," and Farazi is Turkish for "hypothetical," lol.

Proverbs & (approximate) Pronounciations: (if I recall correctly, asterisks indicate ones I had used, so I didn’t repeat myself too frequently)

Wziąć się w garść (zvun shih garsch): lit. take the self into the fist (polish), pull yourself together Галопом по Zemlya (gal-OH-pohm poe zem-lyah): lit. galloping across Zemlya (russian), to be hasty/haphazard. * У кого немає собаки, полює з котом (Ooh koe-hoe meh-MIGH-eh soe-BAH-kay, poe-LOO-yay koh-tome): lit. who does not have dog, hunts with cat (ukranian, original proverb is portugese), make do with what you have. Z choinki się urwałaś? (dzi hoink-E she urr-vahl-wash): lit. did you fall from a Candlenights(aka Christmas) tree? (polish), you are obviously not well-informed; are you dumb? * Mi o vuku (MEE oh voo-koo): lit. to talk of the wolf (croatian), speak of the devil. * Thalai muzhuguthal (tha-LIE MOOz-GOO-thal): lit. pour water over someone's head (tamil), cut off a relationship. * Хоть кол на голове теши (coat-coal nah gohl-ehvee teh-SHEE): lit. you can sharpen an axe on this head (russian), a very stubborn person.

Other Languages Are Hard Today, Let’s Just Proverb It In English:

Cat's Forehead (japanese): a tiny space, usually used humbly to refer to owned land. It fell between chairs (swedish): group work that everyone assumed someone else would do, and didn't get done as a result * It gives me a beautiful leg (french): fat lot of good that'll do me Drown the fish (french): avoid a subject by talking about anything and everything else, confuse the issue In a river with piranhas, the alligator swims backstroke (brazil): protect your weaknesses * Accusation always follows the cat (iraqi): it's easy to blame someone who can't defend themselves The honey only sticks to the mustache of he who licked it (arabic): he who smelt it, dealt it * A hungry bear does not dance (greek): the reward must be worth the cost (or at least exist) * The crayfish sides with the crab (korean): people who have a lot in common stay friends * If you can't live longer, live deeper (italian): get the most of your time * A spoon does not know the taste of soup (welsh): intelligence is not wisdom Examine what is said, not who speaks (arab): don't take things at face value * Turn your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you (new zealand): have a positive outlook He who does not travel, does not know the value of men (moorish): wide experience is gr8 Do good and throw it in the sea (arab): don't expect anything back from kindness * Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is halved (swedish): friends make things better If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together (african): strength in numbers, speed on your own.

#xellart #dungeons and dragons #original characters #zmija yilan

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hansgruberimagines · 4 years

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hi!! a hand blog?! BLESS YOU! Please, would you be able to write headcanons about life with Hans if he survived and got away with the heist? The easy street with the 20% lol. Thank you so much for creating this blog!!

Haha @dualcrescent I loved his comment about earning 20% on a beach somewhere, so let’s say for argument’s sake that after the heist the plan is to disappear to the Caribbean (undisclosed location ofc) to lay low for awhile and let anyone trying to hunt down the thieves run into dead ends. Let’s assume you meet during the heist and have enchanted him, but of course he couldn’t act on any impulse while his plan was unfolding, which means that after its success he’s free to test how much you feel the same way...

- your relationship starts off rather doubtful. He knows full well he has full advantage because of situation, you’re not sure how much you trust him with your life after he was willing to hurt so many people.

- despite this you are exhausted, so you fall asleep even though the thieves are celebrating when they realise they’ve escaped. He falls a bit more - it’s hard not to feel protective of someone so vulnerable in their midst, something he didn’t expect to have to deal with. But still, he doesn’t want to let on how much he does care, in case any of his men turn enemies now that they’ve all succeeded. Already the thought of someone hurting you makes his blood boil.

- When you wake up you find his coat covering you as a blanket, and you pull it closer around you. That’s not the first time it’ll happen - if ever he decides to stage another robbery and leaves you behind he’ll inevitably come back and find you asleep with a coat or a shirt of his.

- Of course since he succeeded it’s the easy life ahead! He just didn’t expect to have you around, so when you arrive at his lavish private villa he gives orders to his men, partly because it’s necessary, partly because he can’t wait to be alone with you.

- Once both of you are alone it hits that you haven’t really been alone with him yet. Moments at Nakatomi don’t seem to count, and you were both focused on survival at the time. He really wants to just pounce and knock you onto your back against the table, have you here and now. And what Hans wants he tends to get.

- (But first, wine) (of course) (he’s a cultured villain, he’s either keeping an impressive wine collection in the cellar or bodies) (anyway, wine) (this will become a habit for you both)

- He’s really into rough sex. Not hardcore BDSM, but spanking and handcuffs, having you at his mercy, all irresistible. On the other hand, he likes you to be soft with him, like running your fingers through his hair, though on occasion when you claw your fingers down his back it makes him wild and he’ll do anything to have you screaming with pleasure or begging. And of course he has all the latest toys for you both to enjoy (though what’s ‘latest’ in the late 1980s? Ummmmm how many types of vibrators did they have, Google?) (oooo they had the Rabbit, say no more, thanks Japan)

- Whenever he gets overwhelmed during sex he’ll start whispering German pet names into your ear. Or moaning in German, or just all around forgetting to speak English.

- ‘Liebling’, ‘mein Schatz’ ‘mein Schatzchen’, ‘Maus’

- He really likes solving puzzles. Whenever you can keep your hands off of each other in your downtime he’s solving crosswords or maths problems, and he tries to teach you to play chess. (Up to you whether this goes down well or not!)

- You didn’t take him seriously when he kept referencing what he’d read in Forbes at Nakatomi, but yes he actually does read it, and other magazines too. There’s a reason why he’s so up to date on men’s fashion after all. He loves to hate on politics/big business as well – if he plans more crimes, it’s always against big corporations that tend to have a history of corruption (and lots of money and valuable assets to steal of course.)

- With future schemes, I think in the beginning, planning stage he’d hide it from you, despite himself not wanting to worry you. Either your snooping blows it, or he compulsively has to boast about how genius it is. You worry, unsure you want to go with him, but knowing that the option is there if you ask him. Eventually this leads to arguments because you want to go with him, worried of losing him, and he wants you to stay behind, because he couldn’t live with himself if something awful happened. In the end neither of you can resist being a Bonnie and Clyde duo.

- Shopppiiiiiiing, specifically for clothes. It’s very much a couple activity, ie. he’ll take you to the tailors with him so he has someone to, ahem, gush at, though he’d never phrase it that way (too juvenile, how dare you). Once you get to the lingerie shop he hands you his card with glee, takes an active interest in what you’re looking at, or sometimes he’ll disappear, instructing you to ‘surprise him’. As for daywear/evening wear, he invests in a chic wardrobe for you, very stylish, though nothing too opulent as you’re both technically on the run from the law and don’t want to draw too much attention. (One of the reasons you go crazy in the lingerie shop – who wants ballgowns when you can wear all the sparkly bras/one pieces/corsets you like and make Hans crazy at the same time?) He also makes a habit of buying you nice jewellery, neat little diamante chokers and bracelets, rings with small but tasteful gems or lustrous pavé set stones, nothing too big, no loose bangles or hoop ear rings, but all of refined taste and very, very expensive. You, on the other hand, take an interest in his tie collection and insist on learning how to do them for him, something he finds very endearing, even though he teases you in the beginning.

- Coffee breaks, any excuse. He’ll take you by the hand, generally to some spot outside a museum or art gallery (or by that beach he mentioned!) and while away the hours.

- Theatre and opera are a weekly event.

- Coming up with fake names and identities to evade detection is also a couple activity for you two. He shows you all the tricks of the trade, where to source fake documents, passports, etc. You ask him to do accents and start giggling at yourself when you sound ridiculous, and of course you get your favourite amused smile from him too. Unless it’s crucial to whatever scheme, then he’ll warn you that you better get it right or you’ll have to stay behind waiting for him.

#hans gruber

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thelastspeecher · 5 years

Text

No title because I’m lazy, but in the discord the last couple days, we’ve been discussing the Olympian Falls AU, aka my crossover between the Percy Jackson universe and my nonsense. And those discussions caused me to get inspired to write...this. As a quick reminder, this is a modern AU, so instead of Dipper and Mabel being Shermie’s grandkids, they are Shermie’s kids. Just moved the timeline up a bit.

I think the retcon of making Dipper and Mabel be children of Athena is one retcon I never posted about for this AU, but it is one. And this retcon means that I can make this an Ace!Shermie AU. Shermie is hardcore asexual. Enjoy.

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Shermie knocked on the door of the apartment his mom had rented after leaving Filbrick a few years ago. He looked down at the two baby carriers resting by his feet.

I really hope Mom doesn’t get upset with me for being an unmarried father. The door opened.

“Sherman, what a lovely- who are these cute little things?” Ma Pines asked, crouching down to peer into the carriers. She looked up. “Are they yours?”

“…Yeah,” Shermie mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Mom, meet Mabel and Mason.”

“Adorable,” Ma Pines cooed. She smiled. “It’s about time one of you boys gave me some grandkids. Though I woulda thought it’d be Stan. He’s the only one of you married so far.”

“I don’t think Stan even likes kids.”

“You just say that ‘cause you haven’t spoken to him lately. I called the other day, and he had to end the call early to play with one of his nieces from his wife’s side. And he sounded happy about playing with her.” Ma Pines playfully poked at Mason’s nose. “These cuties will get themselves some cousins any day now.”

“Uh, sure.”

“So, where’s the mother?” Ma Pines asked, standing up. Shermie grimaced. “I don’t like that look. Did she leave you and the kids or somethin’ like that?”

“Not really- I mean, I guess sort of like it.”

“Give your mother a straight answer,” Ma Pines said. She crossed her arms. “You know I don’t like it when people beat around the bush. Where’s the mother?”

“Mt. Olympus,” Shermie blurted out. Ma Pines furrowed her brow.

“…The mountain in Greece?”

“Yes. But also, no.”

“Sherman,” Ma Pines sighed. “Did you not hear me tell you to be straightforward?”

“You won’t believe me.”

“Try me.”

“Their mom is a goddess,” Shermie said. Ma Pines raised an eyebrow at him. “And I don’t mean that metaphorically. Literally, they have a Greek goddess for a mother.” A moment passed. Ma Pines stood to the side.

“Come inside,” she instructed. Shermie picked up the baby carriers and entered his mother’s apartment. She closed the door behind him. Shermie turned to face her.

“Look, Mom, I-” he started. Ma Pines held up a hand. Shermie went silent.

“Which one did you have an affair with?” she asked. Shermie blinked. “Was it Aphrodite? I think my boys could catch the eye of the goddess of love.”

“I- wh- no, their mom is Athena,” Shermie stammered. He froze. “Wait, you believe me?”

“You sound upset about that,” Ma Pines commented. She took Mason’s baby carrier from Shermie and set it on the couch, then sat down next to it to peer at her grandson.

“No, I’m not upset, I’m- you really believe me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because most people wouldn’t!”

“Most people,” Ma Pines said calmly, “haven’t had their own dalliance with an Olympian.” Shermie joined his mother on the couch, resting Mabel’s carrier on the floor by his feet.

“Mom…”

“Stanley and Stanford aren’t your full brothers,” Ma Pines said quietly. Shermie’s jaw dropped.

“What?”

“Filbrick isn’t their father.” Ma Pines rolled her eyes. “Thank the gods.”

“Then who- who-”

“Hermes.”

“The Greek god of travelers, thieves, messengers, and a bunch of other things?”

“Yep.” Ma Pines looked up from Mason to grin at Shermie. “That classics degree of yours is really gonna come in handy when it comes to taking care of these two.”

“I-” Shermie ran a hand through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You didn’t need to know.” Ma Pines stroked Mason’s cheek gently. “But now you’ve got demigod children of your own, you do need to know. By the way, if I remember correctly, children from Athena are basically gifts, right? You didn’t actually sleep with her, you just had a strong emotional connection through your shared intellects.”

“Uh, yes.”

“Huh. She must really like you, then, to have given you twins.” Ma Pines unbuckled Mason and took him out of the carrier. “Aw, look at those pretty gray eyes,” she cooed.

“Mom, how did you know that?”

“I learned a few things from your brothers.”

“My half-brothers, you mean.”

“Still your brothers,” Ma Pines said firmly. Shermie watched her play with Mason for a moment, thinking.

“That boarding school you sent Stan and Ford to when they were kids,” he started. Ma Pines looked up. “Was that a special school for demigods?”

“Something like that. It was a camp. Designed to train demigods on how to use their godly-given abilities and how to protect themselves. Technically, most demigods only stay at that camp for the summer, but your brothers were enough of a monster magnet together that they had to stay there year-round.”

“Abilities?”

“Sweetie, do you really think a child of a god or goddess won’t have some sort of power?”

“I just didn’t think about- wait, monsters?”

“Yep.” Ma Pines played with Mason’s hands. “Demigods are very good at attracting them.”

“I-” Shermie looked down at Mabel, who was still fast asleep. “Mom, what am I gonna do?”

“First thing, you’re gonna let me feed you some dinner and play with the babies.”

“Fair enough.”

“Second, you need to go talk to one of your brothers.”

“I haven’t seen either of them since Stan’s wedding.”

“This’ll be a good chance to catch up, then.” Ma Pines looked at Shermie. “Sherman, I can only tell you so much. If you really want to know about this world you’ve found yourself dragged into, you need to talk to someone who belongs to that world.”

“…Fine,” Shermie muttered.

“Oh, don’t get all upset. If you stop by Stan’s, I’m sure his wife would be more than happy to watch these cute little babies while you talk to him. Free childcare.”

“I just-” Shermie sighed. “I didn’t want to be a dad.”

“Sometimes these things happen. Look on the bright side. You can rub it in Stan’s face that you had kids first.”

“Why would I rub that in his face?”

“Because everything’s always a contest with you boys.” Ma Pines handed Mason to Shermie and stood up. “Now, how does chicken sound for dinner?”

-----

Stan opened the door before Shermie could knock again. He stared dumbly at Shermie for a few moments before his gaze traveling down to the baby carriers Shermie was holding.

“Sherm, did you steal those?” Stan asked. He leaned closer to peer inside the carriers. His eyes widened. “You forgot to check for babies before you nabbed ‘em.”

“No I-” Shermie huffed impatiently. “I didn’t steal the carriers nor the children. I purchased the carriers, and the children are mine.”

“Really?” Stan frowned at him. “Didn’t know you were in a relationship.”

“I’m not.”

“Ah, one-night stand, I get it.”

“No, it’s-” Shermie chewed on his lip. Mason began to fuss inside his carrier. “Dang it.”

“Bring ‘em in, you can check the diaper or whatever inside,” Stan said. He moved aside, allowing Shermie to walk into the house Stan and his wife, Angie, owned. “By the way, Angie’s not here right now. She had a doctor’s appointment.” Stan closed the door. “Not to be rude or anything-”

“Like you’ve ever cared about being rude,” Shermie said, setting the carriers down. He knelt and removed Mason from the carrier. Immediately, his son stopped crying.

I guess he just wanted to be held.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Stan eyed Shermie suspiciously. “What are you doing here, Sherm?”

“Mom told me to visit. She said you could offer some assistance with my children.”

“Assistance? Angie’s pretty good with kids, since she’s got that huge family, but I only just stopped thinking that they’re a hassle.” Stan shrugged. “Maybe I’ve been married long enough to get in the mood for kids or whatever, I dunno.”

“Well, she said to visit either you or Ford, and you were closer.”

“Ford? He’s even worse with kids than I am.” Stan paused. He raised an eyebrow at Shermie. “Unless there’s somethin’ you’re not tellin’ me.”

“Mabel and Mason, their mother isn’t…mortal,” Shermie said quietly.

“Ah. Okay.” Stan leaned against the wall. “Who is she?”

“Athena.”

“Athena.” Stan nodded. “Pretty good goddess to have as a parent, as things go.”

“…Right.” Shermie swallowed. “Look, I- I have some questions.”

“Figures. Let’s go talk in the living room.” Stan picked up Mabel’s carrier. “I’ll give you the basic introduction to demigods.”

-----

“They’re going to have ADHD and dyslexia?” Shermie asked. Stan tilted his head one way, then the other.

“At least one. I got both, Ford just got the dyslexia.”

“And why, again?”

“ADHD makes us better in battle, dyslexia is ‘cause our brains are hardwired for Ancient Greek, not English,” Stan rattled off. He tickled Mabel’s stomach. She giggled loudly. Stan grinned. “Heh. Cute kid.”

“Thank you for holding her, by the way.”

“No problem,” Stan said. “Anyways, the ADHD and dyslexia. It’s kinda a crapshoot, honestly. There’s no way to tell going in which one a demigod will have or how strong it’ll be. Sorta like how abilities and general godliness or whatever are crapshoots.”

“What do you mean?”

“Hmm. Okay.” Stan leaned back, clearly trying to figure out how to phrase whatever he wanted to say. “All half-bloods have some enhanced stamina and strength and stuff like that, since we have godly blood. But abilities we have on top of the basics depends upon who our godly parent is. Like, Hephaestus kids are good at building things, and Demeter kids are good at growing plants. Make sense?”

“Yes.”

“But even if people have the same godly parent, they might have different abilities. I can pick locks with my mind.”

“Wait, you can?”

“Yeah. But Ford can’t.” Stan frowned. “Another example…there was this one Apollo kid who could make light. Technically, it’s possible for a kid of Apollo to do that, but it’s really, really rare. He was the only one in the last century who could do it.” Stan looked at Shermie. “Still following me?” Shermie nodded.

“I do have a question.”

“I might have an answer.”

“Are abilities correlated with the dyslexia and ADHD? Ford’s dyslexia isn’t that bad, and you implied he wasn’t as powerful as you.”

“I…” Stan blinked. “That’s a good question. I’ve never thought of it that way. But yeah, most of the powerful demigods I’ve known have both ADHD and dyslexia. I mean, I can think of a couple exceptions off the top of my head, but in general, you might be right. Huh. Something to talk to Ford about.” Stan waved a hand. “He started this group with some other half-bloods where they try to do research into demigod abilities or whatever. I dunno exactly what they do. I just show up and let them run tests on me if they ask.”

“Mom mentioned something about the camp usually being only for the summer.” Stan nodded. “But you stayed there year-round.”

“Ford and I were too powerful together. On our own? Maybe we coulda been fine out in the mortal world, not attracted monsters. Ford definitely would have. He was always a more subtle half-blood. But we didn’t want to be separated, and our combined demigod smells attracted monsters like we were an all-you-can-eat buffet.” Stan watched Shermie look down at Mason, who was fast asleep in Shermie’s arms. “You’re worried about your kids.”

“Yeah.”

“Athena kids are usually able to go home for the school year. Most half-bloods can.”

“But if they’re twins-”

“You’ve got a while before you have to worry about monsters for them.”

“But-” Shermie started again. The front door opened.

“Stan,” a voice sang cheerfully. Stan beamed. “I have some news fer- oh.” Shermie looked up. His sister-in-law had pranced into the living room, and seemed surprised to see Shermie on her couch. “I see we have a guest,” Angie said.

“Three guests,” Stan corrected, helpfully pointing at the baby he was holding. Angie gasped.

“Oh, goodness, what a precious lil bean!” she gushed, making a beeline for the couch. “Wow. Adorable!” Angie looked over at Mason. “A real pair of lookers. Are these yours, Sherman?”

“Yes.”

“They’re quite the cuties.”

“Thank you,” Shermie said politely. He liked his sister-in-law well enough. She seemed to be a bit of a ditz at times, and had much higher energy than Shermie liked to be around, but Angie was always kind to him.

And she’s excellent with children. Shermie watched Angie coo over Mabel. Is she really a ditz? Or just easily distracted? I’m not quite sure.

“Ang, you have news?” Stan asked. Angie blinked.

“Oh! Yes.” She glanced over at Shermie, then back at Stan. “I’ll tell ya later. Don’t let me forget.”

“You got it.”

“Gosh, what a cute sweet potata,” Angie whispered, stroking Mabel’s hair. She cocked her head. “Sherman, did yer mother send ya here?”

“I- yes. She did.”

“She wanted you to get some advice from Stan, I take it?”

“How did you know that?” Shermia asked. Angie looked at him.

“Because this baby girl of yours has the kind of gray eyes I’ve only ever seen in children of Athena,” she said bluntly. Shermie’s jaw dropped.

Okay, she’s definitely not a ditz.

�� “You know about all this Greek stuff?”

“Sure do.”

“I’m assuming Stan told you.”

“Mm. Not quite.” Angie grinned crookedly. “Where do ya think I first met Stan?” she asked. Shermie rubbed his face.

“You met each other at camp, didn’t you?”

“Yep.”

“…You wouldn’t happen to be a child of Athena, would you?”

That was a remarkably clever move she just pulled.

“Nope!” Angie chirped. She flopped down onto the couch next to Stan and took Mabel from him.

“Hey!” Stan protested. Angie cooed at Mabel sweetly. “Ask!”

“Nah. If I asked, you wouldn’t have handed her over. My gods, she is so cute.” Angie looked at Stan, a twinkle in her eye. “I think that Shermie’s kidlets would love themselves a cousin.”

“I don’t think these babies know what a cousin is,” Stan replied. Angie rolled her eyes.

“Oh, that reminds me, Stan,” Shermie said, abruptly remembering his mom’s comment about everything being a contest.

“What?”

“I had kids first,” Shermie said. Stan’s eyes widened. “Yeah. I win.” Stan slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand before shouting in frustration.

“Goddammit!”

#I have so many other things I need to write but am I writing them?#no. I am instead getting inspired to write whatever this is #idk man Shermie is so much fun to play with in my various AUs #and in this AU he is ACE which is GREAT #bonus points to anyone who can guess what the news Angie had is #Olympian Falls AU #Shermie Pines #Ma Pines #Stanley Pines #Angie McGucket #my writing #ficlet #speecher speaks

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