SO I FINALLY GOT A JOB
NOT JUST ONE
BUT I HAVE 2 JOBS NOW???
ONE JOB CALLS BACK THEY ALL CALL BACK I GUESS?
But I was at work yesterday and it was my first day and I took a sip of my water and started fucking choking on it and everyone got concerned and my eyes were watering and I looked a fucking fool but I just gave them a thumbs up because I couldn’t speak because I was still choking and that my friends…
Is how I somehow gained a bunch of respect amongst my employees 🥲
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the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]
[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.
the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:
annoying
copies other people constantly
draws cute animals
arrogant
cries when told off
maybe 1 friend
the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:
anxious
listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively
bad under pressure
anime
writes bad fanfiction
draws bad fanart
the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:
what the HELL is a Self Esteem
really into 60s music
cries a lot
0 fashion sense
usually dissociating
thinkin about trees
the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:
still no self-esteem but medicated now
significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)
I haven't changed much to be honest
RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket
autism
end id.]
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I haven't had the time to do anything really halloweeny this year, but I've got some older projects I never shared so... Why not?
I present: my ring holder (plus bracelets).
I made the hand out of polymer clay instead of learning how to make a mold or something cause past me was into suffering apparently (jk I just felt like making a hand. Truth be told it was good practice). Standard procedure, inside is a wire skeleton surrounded by aluminium foil, and then I globbed clay on there and shaped it until it looked right. Which took forever.
This was several years ago now so I could do a better job these days, but I still like it. It's a fun spooky prop with that cauldron I made for it (that's just craft foam. Paint it black, throw metallic paint on top and you're golden).
I actually only started using it for jewelry after my cat threw it on the floor... It hides the cracks.
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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.
The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.
Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.
In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.
And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.
I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.
But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.
His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.
It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.
I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)
It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.
And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".
He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.
So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.
He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.
I love him. I miss him already.
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THINGS ARE STARTING TO COME BACK TO YOU, AND YOU'RE CURIOUS. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. › FROM ELIZABETH MARCH. @embodies
She still sensed it, the universe spinning around with no ending or beginning; the way her blood curdled a horrid gurgle, even if it no longer pumped to her brain. She haunted marble walls on silent feet. The place a fusion of malevolence and beauty, and Jane, despite her hollowed flesh and often unseeing eyes, couldn't help but find a strange sort of enticement within said walls, all perfectly draped and painted. She knew quite little of its happenings, bizarre spirits of muddled eras all sharing one patch of land; although the mind became a hazy thing due to submittance of the final years of her life, she was no fool. Isolated company was merely favoured, a lithe black cat scampering against corners, gaze finding deathly endurances but never remaining long enough to understand reasoning behind vile acts. Sitting, feeling, unthinking.
Where there was rot, there was Jane Ives. Stuck in the jaws of a hellish beast, taker of lives, but leaving the soul to crumble. Oftentimes she wondered what she was actually doing here; inner workings utterly vandalised by a madman's execution for warped world-peace. The toxicity resting in her bloodstream confused old memories, scorched her past-life: all she remembered of her mother entailed a whiff of perfume and a few phrases of a lullaby she used to sing. One day she'll uncover truths, the ugly and pure— but for now, the body only yearns for kindred consideration, perhaps something to call her own. Three decades would rear its date in a handful of months, and a spark had begun to litter in her mind's eye.
“Yes. I am curious.” The very first time Jane saw Elizabeth, she was positive she had moved to a better destination; swore she bore witness to an angel welcoming her to heaven's palace. (Oh Saint Peter let me in, you must know where I've been! Won't you tell me at last who I am?) Ever quickly, the hand she wished to hold, she realised, was sharp, a creature's claw; fascination did not dwindle but fear ushered the child away. It's clear the woman saw everything happening inside her hotel, including frizzled recollections resurfacing, taunting innocence of youth and marking it for horror. “I remember... things.” Honesty possessed no hesitation, as the words spilled it felt good to speak them aloud. To relieve herself. “There is a block. A... something foggy. It stops me remembering.” Frustration threatened its course, as one might perceive through her jaw tightening, lifeless pallor nearly gaining a flash of colour.
This is your story, written and rewritten, scratched out, burned and buried. “Did I... Was I always... this?” Is it foretold that I haunt the head of a girl graced for much more than her destiny provided? Chin cants, shoulders purposely squared like trying to light a guise of confidence. “Bee - cause I do not think I was always in this place.”
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