#I FINALLY GOT A JOB THOUGH
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SO I FINALLY GOT A JOB
NOT JUST ONE
BUT I HAVE 2 JOBS NOW???
ONE JOB CALLS BACK THEY ALL CALL BACK I GUESS?
But I was at work yesterday and it was my first day and I took a sip of my water and started fucking choking on it and everyone got concerned and my eyes were watering and I looked a fucking fool but I just gave them a thumbs up because I couldn’t speak because I was still choking and that my friends…
Is how I somehow gained a bunch of respect amongst my employees 🥲
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the other day i was looking through the drawings on my old laptop and found this self-portrait art challenge thing i did at some point several years ago, so i thought it would be interesting to update it with my current self for old times' sake :-) i don't know why i felt the need to be so mean to myself in all the descriptions but i have tried to be at least slightly nicer this time around. sorry past me [id under cut]
[id: a series of four full-body digital drawings of a pale-skinned person at different ages. the first three depict me in 2007, 2013, and 2017 under the heading 'George'; the fourth, in a different art style, depicts me in 2023 under the heading 'Ned (I changed my name)'.
the first drawing shows a young child with long hair wearing a fluffy pink jumper, a pink skirt, and pink shoes. bullet points above read:
annoying
copies other people constantly
draws cute animals
arrogant
cries when told off
maybe 1 friend
the second drawing shows a young teenager wearing a hoodie and trainers and looking uncomfortable. bullet points above read:
anxious
listens to Simon and Garfunkel exclusively
bad under pressure
anime
writes bad fanfiction
draws bad fanart
the third drawing shows a smiling teenager wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and brown boots. bullet points above read:
what the HELL is a Self Esteem
really into 60s music
cries a lot
0 fashion sense
usually dissociating
thinkin about trees
the fourth drawing shows a young man with messy brown hair, a striped brown shirt, a beige woollen tank top, and burgundy plaid trousers; he is leaning on a wood-textured folding cane and holding the strap of a brown leather satchel with his other hand. bullet points above read:
still no self-esteem but medicated now
significantly worse handwriting (wrist knackered)
I haven't changed much to be honest
RBF so severe I get followed around by the security guards at the supermarket
autism
end id.]
#artwork#two posts in two days what is happening to me. ive been possessed#i think i did a decent job at capturing my likeness this time around :-) i doubt i'll ever post another picture of myself here (sorry i am#a nervous creature now) so hopefully this will suffice. i kind of look like [gestures]#i really like patterns. and stripes especially. also brown. if you couldnt tell#i am actually doing much better recently! i had what i think in retrospect was a nervous breakdown a few weeks ago but i am ok now. all gud#it was very contextual i had just got myself into a very stressful situation and basically just self-destructed for a few days until it was#resolved. the resolution was very satisfactory though so im mostly back to normal now#also i started taking antidepressants a couple of months ago and i think they have finally started working so i am in a much better place#than i have been for a while :-) yippee!#it's pretty neat to see how much my art style has changed too. i love using gouachey watercoloury brushes these days#anyway i hope you are all doing well my friends! it is my birthday tomorrow im going to be 8 million years old
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I haven't had the time to do anything really halloweeny this year, but I've got some older projects I never shared so... Why not?
I present: my ring holder (plus bracelets).
I made the hand out of polymer clay instead of learning how to make a mold or something cause past me was into suffering apparently (jk I just felt like making a hand. Truth be told it was good practice). Standard procedure, inside is a wire skeleton surrounded by aluminium foil, and then I globbed clay on there and shaped it until it looked right. Which took forever.
This was several years ago now so I could do a better job these days, but I still like it. It's a fun spooky prop with that cauldron I made for it (that's just craft foam. Paint it black, throw metallic paint on top and you're golden).
I actually only started using it for jewelry after my cat threw it on the floor... It hides the cracks.
#have you guys made anything for halloween this year?#it's my favourite season but I didn't even carve a pumpkin#I'll buy some carving tools next year and do a proper job then#I'm not too hung up on the lack of vibes though#it might have taken far too long but I'm getting into the spirit of things now#cause the trees and everything finally got the memo and started being autumnal#I'll just keep celebrating until spring like every year#rätposting#polymer clay#clay sculpture#spooky season#rät's art shenanigans
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Hiiiee haven't been very active in the last few days sorry about that! I've been a little busy and I'm trying to limit my screen time jdjajjsjs been going on a lot of trails and picking my favorite books back up! Kinda forgot what all that felt like and it's been great! I didn't even realize how much I missed it all. Anyway soul eater au sun woo!!
Trying new stuff out! Euueooerr
#dude i used to average like#six hours a day on my tablet#hrnnnrnrnnrr#finally got an interview at one of the five places i applied for yay!! :D!! you'll never guess what type of job it is skskkdkak#who knows if ill actually get it though jdkskjs#Doodles#security breach soul eater au#soul eater au#fnaf security breach au#security breach au#maudiemoods fnaf fanart
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I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.
The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.
Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.
In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.
And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.
I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.
But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.
His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.
It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.
I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)
It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.
And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".
He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.
So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.
He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.
I love him. I miss him already.
#speculation nation#negative/#this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me.#getting the thoughts out. processing. the works.#nearly cried several times just from writing this.#...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy.#things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different.#feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever#all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories.#but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly.#it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him#we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit.#but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits#(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.)#as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education.#and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'.#the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door#and freezers in the drawers.#maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted#but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more.#ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It.#everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her.#and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad.#(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.)#it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father.#i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.
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Airstrike is only on four pages this chapter but she's at peak performance so i'm a little consoled by that.
also... lookit these two liberal arts nerds practicing science unsafely:
#wake of the clash#webcomic#comic art#superhero#indie comics#she's my special little guy... the original special little guy if you want#exciting to say i finally finished the three pages i'd been working on for the past... months since february wahhhh#gonna get some pencils done before i start up again but i've decided i have to start being a little mean to myself and get drawing them!#post schedule upon return may look like a 'whenever i feel like it' situation though!#i got pretty used to slacking after work aaahah my brain is still rebelling a little at things deemed 'need to draw'#so i gotta save motivation for the day job
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I love driving so much? i'm in control of where i'm going and I get to sit in this quiet little box and be surrounded by my music? and if I don't like where I am I can just.. drive away.
#and the sensory of the road? ugh#the second I turned 16 I got my license and realized ‘oh driving is my safe place!’#and then I saved up to buy this little red car that was older than me and it was my little place where i could just exist#and I’m finally getting a new car after.. 12 years?#and its so weird to say goodbye bc i feel like this car was a part of my life for so long even though its just a car#just the memory of driving it to and from college and trying to find my first job and driving out to visit my sibling any chance i got#driving down PCH radio blasting windows down with my little dog next to me?? this car took me everywhere but its time to say goodbye#h speaks
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All I want for Christmas is you (to send me $20,000)
#totally kidding about the 20 grand cause who has that laying around#(but no serious question who the fuck has that type of cash laying around and do they uhhh need a sugar baby? 😇😂)#anyway I’d be happy with any tip tbh#$50 $20 $5 idc#I just want to get gas and maybe some weed for the holidays#it’s my friends birthday on Wednesday and I hate not being able to get them anything#I just hate money tbh#even though I (finally) got a job I have to look for another to be able to buy anything#why is everything so expensive#bahhhhh#shut up rosie#rosie speaks
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Guess who gets to move two states away within the next month?
Like I know I've been pretty spotty with posting but I'm hoping once we're out of this waiting mode we seem to be in, and at the latest settled in, I'll hopefully have more motivation to keep y'all updated.
#mj talks#my partner got a nice job in northern indiana and this will mean we'll finally be living on our own together#we scoped out a nice apartment and i found a job to apply to that I'm excited about#i really hope it works out#but it'll be a bit of an adventure and it'll be a huge change of scenery#at least with the timing of it we'll be missing the hottest of southwest Missouri's weather#not dice#if everything works out how we hope we should have space for me to continue making dice#it just might take a bit to get that set up#I'm excited though#at the very least i have some WIPs to finish so at least i have that for now
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as usual i am up late into the night planning my future when i should be: getting a good nights sleep so that i even have a future!!
#i have work in seven and a half hours. so i should really be getting to bed#BUT i officially made my final definitive degree plan!!!! i mean not the actual classes but all the requirements i have to meet and how!!#(in order to earn: history and information science double major. with certificates in material culture and classics)#and i’m genuinely excited for every single class i have to take except for human-computer interaction#just cause i know it’s gonna get overly technical in ways that won’t quite apply to my future#anyway every single other thing i’m gonna do is very cool and exciting. so everything is good really#but i should be sleeping. and i’m not. as usual 🤧#idk wish me luck!!!! i’m so hyped about my degree plan though#i’ll go into more detail another time. i’m very excited#ANYWAY goodnight!!!! can’t be so busy planning my future in library science that i DONT GO TO MY SHELVING JOB#kind of important to actually go to work for the library that employs me….#and then i might go see a first-printing roget’s thesaurus!!!! or i’ll sleep. we’ll see#followed by lunch with GUY WHO IS THE WORST KILL HIM WITH HAMMERS#(there is nothing really wrong with me he just keeps kind of being mean to me and also expecting me to fall in love with him. but like#extremely passively and not manipulatively it’s just like. hey buddy you’re doing this friendship wrong….)#anyway then i have a class and after that i have an hour to rest. and then a phone call and then a lot of homework#(ten page paper draft due in a week and a half!! so it’s time to start writing the actual body of it)#and then i sleep for a LONG time and then work again on saturday. and then sleepover with somebody i have a crush on??#and then be normal all day on sunday and do a little more paper writing. and programming homework. and whatever else#and then keep up with the slog for three weeks!!!! and all of a sudden it’s summer!!!!#projects left this year: material culture paper (entirely unstarted. but may research the thesaurus and just win!!!!)#history project (draft due the monday after next and real paper due a week after classes end)#one more programming assignment where i adapt my recipe doubler project (probably. it’s getting stupid at this point but it’s what i got!!)#and a programming test in two weeks and then the final a week after that. then no more programming#and then i just have my weekly latin tests and a latin final on may 5th. and then EVERYTHING IS DONE#ok i got this. sorry for walking through my schedule in the tags it’s how i remember what’s real#can’t believe my fucking partner just kind of walked out on me there hello???? like. we should be powering through finals together#but i’m genuinely better off without him so i guess it’s just whatever. trash took itself out or something??#anyway. i’m so regular. and i have work in the morning. and i’m going to sleep#thank you world. goodnight
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Hot oil splashed in my eye help
#today has been a day#ren won't shut up#i got a job though woooooooo finally ksokakkskkskaka#thinking about having two jobs but idk#id have no time for art :/
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just got a promotion at work !
#i actually got offered a promotion in a different department last month but my department made a counter offer lol#for a new job that i still had to interview for even though i was the only candidate#the interview was today and i was truly abysmal but the fact that there was. no competition. pulled me through 👍#anyway girlboss slay! i start in 2 weeks and need to finish so much stuff until then#and will prob be doing some of my current job alongside my new job for like.... 2 months#lol! fun! now that's over i need to finally finish editing my chapter! this chapter which is like. an albatross around my neck at this point#bye!! hope i don't post again until i've finished everything i need to do today!!!!!!#tmi
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Chapter 623
#naruto#madara#madara uchiha#uchiha madara#hashirama flashback#+ hashirama#baby Madara... baby Madara...... *sobs*#yes baby you're really strong and talented we know and we love you#Also ''and cover many weaknesses''. On all levels except literal Madara is going into any situation he encounters holding a rifle and#wearing an iron-plated hazmat suit.#The fact that he grows so powerful he begins not to need it much anymore probably contributes to how full of himself he is lol.#You're a ninja which is a job in which you have to be so exceedingly careful and guarded at all times and he's deeply internalized this. An#he's also so powerful he can often afford to throw caution to the wind more often than most people he meets. I'd start thinking I was God#too tbh.#I'm being so much wordier in the tags of these flashbacks than I've ever been in most of the blog lmao#It's so much easier though bc it's easier to have takes about Madara while he's still in development than to talk about what he's like at#his final stage. Madara revived in the War Arc is just a natural conclusion of everything that's started here and I find it more fun to tal#about the ''how he got there'' rather than the ''there''.
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THINGS ARE STARTING TO COME BACK TO YOU, AND YOU'RE CURIOUS. YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. › FROM ELIZABETH MARCH. @embodies
She still sensed it, the universe spinning around with no ending or beginning; the way her blood curdled a horrid gurgle, even if it no longer pumped to her brain. She haunted marble walls on silent feet. The place a fusion of malevolence and beauty, and Jane, despite her hollowed flesh and often unseeing eyes, couldn't help but find a strange sort of enticement within said walls, all perfectly draped and painted. She knew quite little of its happenings, bizarre spirits of muddled eras all sharing one patch of land; although the mind became a hazy thing due to submittance of the final years of her life, she was no fool. Isolated company was merely favoured, a lithe black cat scampering against corners, gaze finding deathly endurances but never remaining long enough to understand reasoning behind vile acts. Sitting, feeling, unthinking.
Where there was rot, there was Jane Ives. Stuck in the jaws of a hellish beast, taker of lives, but leaving the soul to crumble. Oftentimes she wondered what she was actually doing here; inner workings utterly vandalised by a madman's execution for warped world-peace. The toxicity resting in her bloodstream confused old memories, scorched her past-life: all she remembered of her mother entailed a whiff of perfume and a few phrases of a lullaby she used to sing. One day she'll uncover truths, the ugly and pure— but for now, the body only yearns for kindred consideration, perhaps something to call her own. Three decades would rear its date in a handful of months, and a spark had begun to litter in her mind's eye.
“Yes. I am curious.” The very first time Jane saw Elizabeth, she was positive she had moved to a better destination; swore she bore witness to an angel welcoming her to heaven's palace. (Oh Saint Peter let me in, you must know where I've been! Won't you tell me at last who I am?) Ever quickly, the hand she wished to hold, she realised, was sharp, a creature's claw; fascination did not dwindle but fear ushered the child away. It's clear the woman saw everything happening inside her hotel, including frizzled recollections resurfacing, taunting innocence of youth and marking it for horror. “I remember... things.” Honesty possessed no hesitation, as the words spilled it felt good to speak them aloud. To relieve herself. “There is a block. A... something foggy. It stops me remembering.” Frustration threatened its course, as one might perceive through her jaw tightening, lifeless pallor nearly gaining a flash of colour.
This is your story, written and rewritten, scratched out, burned and buried. “Did I... Was I always... this?” Is it foretold that I haunt the head of a girl graced for much more than her destiny provided? Chin cants, shoulders purposely squared like trying to light a guise of confidence. “Bee - cause I do not think I was always in this place.”
#⅋. [ ✦ ] ﹕ we are all just prisoners here of our own device ‚ american horror story: hotel .#embodies.#okay okay okay i gotta properly write this verse up but!!#in very simple terms: terry dies. brenner is actually a relation of jane (terry's half-brother or a distant kind of sibling relationship.)#so when terry dies jane is sent to live w him. jane is around seven at the time.#brenner is a surgeon who dedicated his life trying to come up with vaccines for diseases such as cancer and polio.#he felt that animal testing didn't give him accurate results.#so as soon as he got custody of jane. she became the subject of his experiments.#he was once a well acclaimed doctor but over the years became obsessed with trying to find cures for these diseases and his methods became#very. very unethical. so he was eventually fired from his job etc etc did his own animal testing.#jane is submitted to a range of testing and grows very weak and frail because of it.#brenner believes he finally makes a breakthrough. but knows it could kill jane and doesn't want any evidence of her left in / near#his house. so he books a room at the hotel (where so much shady shit happens anyway) and conducts his experiment. she does die and#brenner flees the scene. and in doing so makes it look like jane had an overdose. he booked the room under her name too.#he was very prepared for her dying and made it all look really nice and neat. an easy case for any cops to solve.#a ratty. skinny little girl who probably had no chance in life. her oversized clothes / short hair / grubby face indicated homelessness.#so there's not a lot of investigation.#so! yeah. they are the basics <333#if u dont vibe with it though we can totally plot out something together if you like!#also jane doesnt remember much of her past life for the first thirty years or so of being in the hotel! the countless drugs used and#implemented into her body makes her head incredibly fuzzy.#especially because it's how she died. her brain just. stays in that fuzzy mindset for a long time.#but she does eventually begin to remember. it just takes a while!
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perhaps Consider that i am not doing well and will not be doing well for a while— Sorry y’all.
#it’s coming up on my birthday and traumaversary time and on top of that the stress of knowing we likely wont have enough next month is uh#stressing me out to the point of depressive episode with psychotic symptoms??#my sleep is all messed up again and i keep having fucked up dreams#im getting shadow darters in my peripherals and hearing ticking sounds coming from Outside of my head when nothing is happening#i keep getting funky smells even though we’ve been cleaning for like 2 weeks straight#and my brain won’t stop remembering these moments from childhood and teenage years i absolutely do NOT want to remember#so just know that y’all aren’t alone me and the system are struggling pretty hard this new year#also korrin is still job searching and i’ve got no clue how that’s gonna go so uh yeah idk no end in sight?????#tbd when i finally snap out of this state y’all and i’m super sorry bc i know what it’s like to be around me when i am like this
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I WANNA BE A JANITORRRR
#i've been thinking that'd be a fun job for YEARS but now that i am thinking about julian so often im like YES THIS IS MY CALLING#imagine... if i finally get back into employment... and its all because of a little janitor on a silly little podcast giving me the push...#i AM wanting to finally go back into working though so i can stop just bleeding money. at least staunch the flow a little#i did the math and if i work 12 hours a week at min wage then that'll cover rent and groceries hopefully each month#AND THEN if i work more... i'll have spending money.... OHHHH HOW LOVELY THAT'D BE#if it weren't for covid then i would absolutely go work part time at my old DQ job bc it was honestly fun fdsjkl#i just got burnt out and landed in the psych ward (true story) SO. if i worked only part time then that wouldnt happen again...#BUT. unfortunately. covid exists. and i'm not aiming to catch it again lmao. already was disabled by it once. i dont want MORE.#BUT I WANNA BE A JANITORRR i love cleaning (not my own space though FSDJKL) and i wouldnt have to talk to people....#DREAM JOB. TBH.#dandy.cmd
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