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atekasey · 4 years

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My Top 5 Games of 2019

As I like to do every year, here’s some collected ramblings about my opinions of some games I played and really liked this year. While there were a lot more than 5 games that I enjoyed this year, I only had strong opinions about these 5. Without further ado, here are my thoughts on my top 5 games of the year of our lord 2019.

DISCO ELYSIUM

Full disclosure: I have not finished Disco Elysium; I am about three quarters of the way through the 3rd day. Regardless, I loved so much of what little I played that I consider it one of the best games of the year, based solely on the world-building and characterizations I’ve encountered so far.

Disco Elysium is an adventure game/RPG where the only stats you build up are personality stats and thought processes, which affects how you talk to people and interact with the environment. The main plot is about you playing as an amnesiac cop tasked with solving a murder at the centre of a labour dispute, but to be honest I couldn't really care less about the main plot. Not to say the plot is bad per se, it just didn't grab me like how the setting and individual characterizations did. The main plot was nothing more than a vehicle for me to explore and find out more about Revachol, its residents, and how all of them came to be who they are. The amazing writing that underpins every interaction is what makes the individual interactions so compelling.

When I woke up every morning (in the game world, mind you), the only thing I wanted to do is talk to people, conveniently ignoring the dialogue choices that furthered the plot until the end of the conversation. The pétanque-playing veterans who have some scathing opinions about communist theory, the paledriver who's mind is corrupted by nostalgia, the mysterious balcony smoker who I later learned was part of the homosexual underground, the Semanese race theorist who I wanted nothing more than to punch in the face if not for my low physical instrument stat, these are just some examples of the extremely varied characters you meet while you investigate some dead dude or whatever, I guess. Speaking of the paledriver, learning about the true nature of the pale from the White Pines rep was a pivotal moment for me personally, as it made the world feel both unique and existentially terrifying. All these little details and more create the rich tapestry that is Disco Elysium. Also, some dude was murdered??? Who cares about that, I need to make my sorry-cop sing depressing karaoke!

I should really get back and finish it.

CONTROL

I remember the first time I read SCP-087 back in the day, and it introduced me up to the horrifying (and sometimes comedic) world of SCP. For those who don't know SCP (which can stand for "special containment procedures" or "secure, contain, protect", depending where you look), is a collaborative fiction wiki about fake government reports on the supernatural and paranormal. It's the bureaucratic nature of SCPs that really drew me into reading them, making it feel like I was reading real government reports.

So imagine my delighted surprise when I first played Control, I picked up the first of many report-type collectible and saw that it was written almost exactly like an SCP entry. Control is a game that asks "what if the SCP Foundation was a real branch of the US government?" and goes off the deep-end with that premise in the best possible way. The bureaucratic mundanity of the Federal Bureau of Control really shines in these reports, as you read report after report of some other-worldly phenomenon while also reading reports about the monthly book club. Beyond that, actually playing control was fun and engaging... up until the end. Jesse is a great protagonist, and the characters you meet along the way have great personality and give life to the bureau. The Oldest House is a fascinating setting to explore, with it’s brutalist look and nooks and crannies that change and spiral off in otherworldly ways. Unfortunately, for all the build-up the story was leading to, it ends on a pretty lame whimper. But the lackluster ending did not sway my overall love for Control. No one makes games like Remedy at the AAA level, and I'm happy they are making games like Control. I cannot wait for the DLC for this game to get back into it.

Also, the PC version of control does a phenomenal job at showing off how ray-tracing really is the future of lighting and graphics. The real-time reflections alone, where the scene I was watching was reflected almost perfectly on a pane of glass like an actual reflection (in real-time, no less!) was a marvel to look at. And, not since Quake 2 did coloured lighting look so pretty. Suffice to say, Control justified my RTX 2080 purchase single-handedly.

AI: THE SOMNIUM FILES

I have what one can say a love/hate relationship with the Zero Escape series. The first entry, 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors, is one of my favourite games of all time (currently ranked 3rd, if you care at all, which you probably don't, sorry to bother you), and while the cliffhanger ending of the sequel, Virtue's Last Reward, made me excited to see where the series would go, Zero Time Dilemma ultimately did not offer a satisfying conclusion. Not only did ZTD barely resolve any of the threads started in VLR, but it was a very disappointing conclusion to the entire Zero Escape series as a whole (Junpei and Akane's story just getting a tossed-off mention after you beat the game about how "they lived happily ever after" and nothing else? THEY DESERVED BETTER!). So when it was announced that the creator of the Zero Escape series, Kotaro Uchikoshi, was making a new game called AI: The Somnium Files, I was cautiously optimistic. I hoped ZTD was just a one-off and not indicative of a downward trend starting to happen, and Uchikoshi still had it in him to tell a compelling story.

Very fortunately (for me at least), AI: The Somnium Files delivered in the best possible way, meeting and thoroughly exceeding my expectations.

It took some time before the game adhered itself to me as a truly great game, unlike Zero Escape. In the Zero Escape games, given the Saw-like murder games the characters were forced to participate in, there was an sense of urgency to the story that helped propel it right from minute one. AI, on the other hand, is more procedural, which makes sense given that you're playing as Kaname Date, a cop who has a fake eye that is also an AI named AIBA (trust me, it makes sense in context), trying to solve the murder of his adopted daughter's birth mom. Not to strip the act of murder from the seriousness it deserves, but AI ends up being more lighthearted than the Zero Escape games, which only made me enjoy the game more. AI takes its time to explore it's story and characters, letting scenes breath and focus on characters instead of the mystery at hand, allowing said characters to have more development and growth. I bring this up only so I can talk about Mizuki Okiura, Date's adoptive daughter, who quickly becomes the standout character from the game. A back-talking, street-wise 12-year-old punk who forces her way into becoming Date's "partner" as he unravels an ever-growing conspiracy of politics, missing eyeballs, and twitch streamers (again, please trust me, it makes sense in context).

She also has a lead pipe she likes to beat people with.

Mizuki is the best.

She is THE BEST!

Make an entire game about her YOU COWARDS!!

...Anyways, structurally, AI plays similarly to Zero Escape, but with more adventure game elements to it. You still follow a flow-chart that branches depending on story choices you make, and you need to see all branches to complete the story. Not to keep comparing AI to the Zero Escape games (that's why I'm playing this game, so that's the lens I'm analyzing this game through; this is my essay, I can do what I want, you’re not my real dad), but unlike the Zero Escape games, AI ends on a legitimate, no-fooling, unambiguous happy ending that couldn't have put a bigger smile on my face. Sure, it was corny, but the entire game was corny, and ultimately I didn't care! I was just happy that I wasn't uber-depressed after playing one of Uchikoshi's games! It even ends on a dance number consisting of the entire cast of characters!

AI is a good time all-around!

(Except for the murders. Those are bad...probably...)

RED DEAD REDEMPTION 2

Yes, this game came out last year, but honestly I don't care. I played it this year and that's all that matters. However, as I am coming to this game later than most, most of what can be said about Red Dead 2 has already been said by way smarter people than I am, so I won't retread any of that well-trodden ground. So, I'll keep this short: Arthur Morgan's journey is one of the best told story in AAA gaming to date, and never have I felt more like a rustic cowboy wandering the the old west. People harped on the sluggish nature of the controls, but I honestly liked it, as it added to that feeling of being a wandering cowboy. I took my time meandering through the the forests of Roanoke Ridge, the deserts of New Austin, and the red earth of Scarlet Meadows. There was nothing more that I enjoyed in this game than gearing up, getting on my horse and just riding aimlessly until I encountered something that catches my attention, whether that be a 3-star animal, a legendary fish, or even a dilapidated church on a civil war battlefield. I put in well over 100 hours on PS4 earlier this year, and I've put in another 100+ hours on PC, and I don't see myself putting it down anytime soon.

Fucking superb, you funky little cowboy game.

OUTER WILDS

Outer Wilds is not only the best game of 2019, but probably one of my top 5 favourite games of all time. It's hard to describe what makes Outer Wilds a truly one-of-a-kind experience for me without spoiling the ending. It's a game driven purely by exploration and discovery. Knowledge of the world and how it works is the sole "progression" system in the entire game; so much so that you can beat it in your very first first session if you happened to have the discoveries spoiled for you. Go into as blind as possible, that’s what I did and it made the experience all the more special. Play this game, you will not be disappointed.

At this point, I will be spoiling the major parts of the story of Outer Wilds, primarily the ending, because it is the thing that I have not been able to stop thinking about since I first experienced it. Be warned that there be major spoilers beyond this point. Given that Outer Wilds is all about discovery, I highly recommend you do not read anything beyond this point if you haven't beaten it. Again, play this game, you will not be disappointed.

One of my earliest existential fears was when I learned about the lifespan of stars in the second grade. I remember it vividly: sitting in class, hearing my teacher describe the stages of a star's life, going from normal-sized star to red giant, then eventually to a supernova, then explaining that will happen to our Sun as well. The dawning realization that the Sun will grow to a size that will envelop the Earth terrified me beyond anything that has ever terrified me up until that point in my albeit short life. I couldn't sleep for days without fearing that the sun will expand, consume the Earth and burn everyone I ever loved alive. It didn't matter that my teacher said it would take millions upon millions of years before the Sun ever reached this stage, this was my single-biggest fear.

Fast-forward 23 years later to beginning of June of 2019, I pick up Outer Wilds based on the buzz the game was getting. I knew the game was based around a time-loop à la Majora’s Mask, but had no idea about one of it’s biggest “mechanics,” so to speak. My first few runs in that game resulted in premature deaths, so it took me a little bit to realize that the Sun explodes after 22 minutes and envelops everything in a fiery blaze. Seeing my childhood fear unfolding right in from of me just drove me to unravel the mysteries of the universe I inhabited, if nothing more so that I could find a way to stop it. As I learned more about the ostensible precursor race, the Nomai, whom were fixated on finding something called the Eye of the Universe but perished before they could find it, I got it in my head that, if I can just do what the Nomai failed to do, I could stop all of this from happening. Every time the time loop started, I would run out into space and unraveling the mystery further and further, each time being obliterated by the sun at the end of 22 minutes (or dying in a really stupid physics-y way), getting closer and closer to finding out what’s really going on.

Eventually, I discovered enough information to accomplish the task of reaching the Eye of the Universe: I found the coordinates of the Eye, a ship with the necessary warp-drive to get there, and a power source to make it all happen. With the keys in-hand to finally unlocking the answer to this mystery, I set off on what would be my final run: I performed the necessary tasks, said one last goodbye to the Solar System, and barreled into what I would eventually learn is the quantum singularity of time and space, a.k.a the Eye of the Universe. I stepped out into a vast, cold emptiness of quantum existence that was the Eye and wondered around, looking for something, anything. After falling through what seemed to be a quantum vortex, I eventually found a museum not unlike the one you find at the beginning of the game; a museum that is part of the tutorial for the game. This museum contains a picture at the entrance showcasing the founders of the Outer Wilds Ventures space program, the in-universe space program your nameless, faceless alien character is a part of. However, in this quantum facsimile of this tutorial museum, which is cloaked in darkness save for the sole light emanating from your spacesuit, you're positioned to see the same picture you saw at the beginning of the game, only this time a new caption appears when inspecting it:

"Outer Wilds Ventures was founded by Feldspar, Gossan, Slate, and Hornfels to explore a solar system at the end of the universe."

I'm not trying to be hyperbolic when I say that: reading that caption started to make me go through the 5 stages of grief. I was immediately in denial of what I just read. “How could the universe be ending? The Hearthians just started their space program! How unfair it is for them for the universe they were just about to explore to end like that! Also, this is a video game! You’re supposed to give me the feel-good ending of being the hero and stopping the universe-ending event from ever happening!” As I explored the quantum museum more, the fact that the universe actually ending became more and more apparent and harder to ignore. Then, I recalled pieces of information I encountered during my travels that hinted (or plainly stated and I was too deluded to acknowledge them) that the universe was ending, and transitioned to the 2nd stage of grief: anger. Anger at myself for missing something so obvious and deluding myself into thinking that I could enact change on such a cosmic scale. I quickly entered the 3rd stage, bargaining, as I tried to snap myself out of it. “The game was pulling a fast one on me,” I told myself, “I hadn't reached the "end" of the ending yet, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Let’s not count all our chickens before they hatch!” I interacted with with the final prompt in the quantum museum, which transported me to a forest filled with galaxies. One by one, I watched these galaxies explode and fade from existence, until all that was left was darkness. It was at this point, I truly realized there was no stopping this, and I transitioned into the 4th stage: depression.

Through my depression, I stumbled across the dark, quantum glade to where I eventually found a quantum facsimile of myself, which no joke spooked me. Then all of a sudden, a campfire appears. The game asks me to settle, roasts some marshmallows, which I do, I guess. “What else can I do? It’s all pointless, the universe is over!” As I roast marshmallow after marshmallow, I'm eventually joined by a facsimile of the first Outer Wilds Ventures companion I met after launching into the stars for the first time: Esker. Esker (”Feskermile? does that work?”) wants me to gather all the other facsimiles of the Outer Wilds Ventures folk I’ve met during my travels and have one last campfire jamboree. Still feeling defeated and hopeless, I begrudgingly set out into the darkness of the quantum forest to find Feldspar, Gabbro, Chert, and Riebeck, along with Solanum, the kinda-but-not-really-last-living Nomai I met on the Quantum Moon. Once everyone was gathered around the campfire, they started played the tune I've heard all throughout my travels in the solar system. A melody that immediately starts flooding my brain with memories of my adventures: seeing the islands of Giant’s Deep being flung into space by a storm of tornadoes; the asteroids of Hollow’s Lantern destroying the surface of Brittle Hollow, revealing a black hole core; traversing the endless fog of Dark Bramble while dodging giant eldritch anglerfish; watching the sand majestically trade places between the hourglass twins. All of these memories and more came rushing to the forefront of my mind as I listened to the characters I’ve come to know and love play the same blissful tune that propelled me on my journey up until this exact point.

As the members of the Outer Wilds Ventures space program and the both-living-and-dead Nomai finished playing their song, a new universe is born from the ashes of the doomed universe we're all currently in, which indicated to me that this is truly the end, not just for the universe, but also for the game in general. So, with a heavy sigh, I went around the campfire one last time and spoke with every character as a way to say goodbye. It was when I talked to Riebeck, the ever-optimistic banjo player, that I finally transitioned into the 5th and last stage of grief: acceptance.

"The past is past, now, but that's... you know, that's okay! It's never really gone completely. The future is always built on the past, even if we won't get to see it."

A wave of catharsis washed over my entire being. Grief is a feeling that I never truly felt while playing a video game before playing Outer Wilds. Sure, I've been sad when I character I liked gets killed and the like, but I never experienced grief so profound like the one I felt during the ending of Outer Wilds. It was grief for a universe still teeming with life about to end; it was grief for a species that just started looking at the stars not being able to fully explore their own domain; it was grief for a species that never saw the fruits of their scientific labour; ultimately, it was grief about the inevitability of death. Abject terror flooded my mind when I finally realized that the universe was truly ending and I was powerless to stop it. But that single line of dialogue from Riebeck allowed me to appreciate what was happening. I was finally happy, not because it was truly over, but because I was able to experience everything I did up until the very end. No ending, no matter the cosmic scale of it, can ever take away the memories I had existing in this universe.

With that, I collected myself, took one last look at everyone around the campfire, and collapsed the singularity, ending the current universe and giving birth to a new one, with the clearest sense of purpose I've ever had: I was finally able to confront and conquer one of my biggest fears.

#atekasey game of the year 2019 #disco elysium #control #ai the somnium files #red dead redemption 2 #outer wilds #spoilers #massive spoilers #seriously don't read this if you don't want to be spoiled

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arcanalogue · 5 years

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Obligatory ‘Meet Your Diviner’ Q&A

Okay, stepping out from behind my little screen for a moment! A lot of people following here nowadays may not know anything about me, or the background of this blog. You may not even remember following me in the first place! I can relate.

It occurred to me that some people MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW CERTAIN THINGS. And since I’m looking to build up my roster of Patreon clients (who likes monthly readings, or tarot lessons, or random tarot insights? You do!) it seems a bit of disclosure may be in order. If I do it honestly and entertainingly enough, some of you old friends might actually enjoy re-learning these things too!

So, below is a brief introduction — dagger points instead of bullets, because I’m old-school like that. Inbox me if there’s more you’d like to know!

🗡 Who are you, anyway? Hi, my name is Tom, I currently live in Los Angeles with my my extremely tolerant boyfriend. I grew up in rural Arizona and then ran off to New York at a formative age. Queer non-binary human, accepting all pronouns! I’m a dingbat Aries who frequently craves validation, but can’t accept a compliment.

Pastimes include retreating from the world so I can grumble about everything, and wearing too much perfume. I go to thrift stores almost every day, and have amassed too many vintage hat-pins. I keep a giant doll house in the kitchen.

Who wouldn’t want advice from a creature such as this?

🗡 Can I get a reading in person? Yes, but know that I’m shy about it. When I first started out in New York City, it was all about reading at parties and posting Craigslist ads to meet new clients. However, when you shine a light out in the world like that, you can never be sure who it will attract. In my case, it brought lots of interesting people into my life; some were a little too interesting.

For the most part, I prefer working from behind the veil of this little site, or via email. I’m at my best when I have an extra moment to divine deeply and then gather my thoughts; also, there are benefits to receiving readings that you can revisit as words on a page.

Ask me truly anything, I will do my best to respond!

🗡 Are you psychic? Sorry, but I’m not that person, nor am I an astrologer. I have a rigorous spiritual practice that I keep relatively private. However, I’m happy to share whatever inspiration I glean from it.

Originally it was important for me to understand tarot cards through a truly secular lens: archetypes, synchronicity, the whole Jung starter pack. I wanted to combat popular misconceptions about what the tarot is, how it functions, what it can do, and what it can’t.

That’s all very useful stuff, mainly so a reader can interact meaningfully with people from all walks of life, and all kinds of faith (or none at all). But tarot is NOT a secular or purely intellectual practice, and here’s why: no one knows where the “responses” are coming from.

Despite starting out as a skeptic, after many years of practice, I can no longer personally accept nowhere as an answer to that question, or consider the results of a reading to be purely random or meaningless. If you don’t believe the answers really mean anything, then why are you asking?

(If you’re asking purely to amuse yourself, I have great news: you can do that at home, yourself, for free.)

🗡 Why ‘Arcanalogue’? For about a decade, I have branded my site and services with this name, a mangling of Latin/Greek words that essentially refers to a “conversation with the unknown.”

Embracing the arcanalogue nature of divination (instead of demanding to know who/what is speaking) has challenged my beliefs in ways I couldn’t have expected, gradually rekindling my faith.

🗡 Wait, faith? So are you like... a Christian? Ha ha no. HA HA HA. No! But so much of the iconography in the tarot deck stems from early Christianity, I have learned more about this history and symbolism from studying divination than I ever learned in church.

Sorry baby goths — ya think it’s gonna be all demonic Crowleyisms and spooky #witchvibes and jacking off over sigils, but the history of everything is completely intermingled. You might still end up having to say the Lord’s Prayer. You might find that you actually really enjoy saying the Lord’s Prayer. Life is strange! And witch-life is the strangest of all.

You CAN just buy the Crowley and/or various #witchvibes tarot decks, but if that’s all you ever learn, you’ll only scratch the surface of the deck’s mysteries, which are a major source of its power. And if you hate Christian symbolism with a burning passion (who could blame you?) and you’re looking for a purely non-denominational form of divination, you could always just flip a coin! Or grab one of those oracle decks.

And even then, the goddess Fortuna may want a word with you...

🗡 What book do you recommend for beginners? This one: The Tarot: History, Symbolism, and Divination, by Robert M. Place (who has also created many brilliant decks, such as The Alchemical Tarot).

There are so many books geared toward beginners, very few of which really dig into the concept of divination itself, or how the cards really work. As a historian, Place can show you why certain cards have ended up meaning certain things, instead of just providing a list of meanings for you to memorize. He also teaches divination as a storytelling technique, so you don’t end up just regurgitating those meanings straight from the page.

🗡 Why isn’t this blog more active? Ouch, you really came for me with that one. I’d really like it to be! I work full time, and I love my work. The more people support me on Patreon, the more space I’ll be able to carve out for this project in my schedule. *hides*

🗡 Do you have any special rituals that you do when you’re giving a reading? I spent so many years actively combating the kind of superstitions that cling to the tarot like barnacles. If you don’t feel like your practice is “right” or “authentic” without including these, then by all means, do what you’ve gotta!

Just remember, you’re bringing all that with you into an experience where you’re supposed to be alone and vulnerable with your thoughts, opening yourself up to the unknown. Whatever gets you there!

Nowadays, I consider everything I do when I read to be a gift given to myself, in hopes of enhancing that effect. I’ve found over the years that when I cut the deck, I like to cut almost all the way down, not just halfway. To me, this is symbolic of casting a bucket deep down into the well of my unconscious. There’s something satisfying to me about a very deep cut!

The most personal rituals are the ones that mean the most. There’s value in sharing these with others, but dictating them as protocol is shabby teaching.

🗡 How do you know if reading tarot cards is right for you? If you feel any calling whatsoever, then I think you should answer that calling. That’s why I first started my blog, it helped me organize my thoughts and keep track of what I learned, what I’d read. Before then it had all been very scattered and vague, and my progress was much more difficult to track. And believe it or not, I’d already begun teaching lessons by that point! It’s humbling to look back on now.

There’s a lot of self-consciousness and social anxiety wrapped up in the idea of trying to read someone else’s cards, or presenting yourself as a reader. Hello, I share these exact anxieties!

But this is a state you must overcome at the beginning of almost any journey. Go be a big ol’ nerd and show the world where it can stick its judgment. I’m happy to help in any way I can! My “Learn” page links to some stripped down tutorials on a few basic subjects.

Back to an earlier point, if you feel called to take on a more-than-casual study of tarot, I urge you to learn the old ways as you contribute to new ones. Feeling connected to a tradition can be a tremendous support in times when you’re really not sure WTF you are doing. There are SO many new decks being made which are aesthetically beautiful but are very thin in terms of supporting a deeper connection to the tarot mysteries. An experienced user will be able to fill in the gaps easily. A newcomer? Perhaps not so much.

For those reasons, I recommend learning with the classic Rider Waite-Smith deck, or else one that closely reproduces its meanings.

The unknown speaks to us in so many ways. It always has. The process of learning how to listen, and how to help others hear it too, is cumulative. Others stand to benefit from whatever you learn while seeking.

🗡 You seem great! How can I keep tabs on you or interact with you more? I don’t mind if people follow me on Instagram (personal follows are fine also). I’m really boring on Twitter but there it is. I don’t really understand how the Tumblr chat works, so I don’t always see these until hilariously long afterward.

🗡 You suck, this was a waste of time and I want my four minutes back.

#tarot #tarot cards #divination #tarot readings

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angryhausfrau-writes · 3 years

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You Can’t Cross the Same River Twice - Chapter 17

Winchester has apparently finished the first round of interviews for potential wives - and now it's Trapper's turn to cause some chaos. He still thinks the whole thing is stupid and a terrible idea, but as long as he gets to be the one laughing at Winchester when he gets egg on his face, he's willing to help out.

It's not as if he's the kinda guy to believe in true love or any of that bullshit. But it's just that this way of finding a wife feels like a game show, like it oughtta be televised and have a studio audience. And the argument could be made that Trapper's own marriage ended in divorce so what the hell does he know. But Trapper thinks that his own failed marriage might just stand as an argument against rushing into a relationship to fulfill expectations instead of outta a genuine sense of partnership with the other person. At least Winchester is waiting until after the huge, terrible, life-changing event to get hitched.

Still, Trapper ain't one to turn down an opportunity for mischief just cuz he don't agree one hundred percent with the plan. If that were the case, he woulda got into a lot less trouble - especially cuz most of the time Hawkeye didn't even have a plan besides a vague idea of sticking it to the army. But Winchester's plan ain't much more fleshed out, considering that it basically consists of Trapper being himself and seeing if that makes any of the fancy rich ladies run screaming from the room in horror at his lower-classness.

Surprisingly, that's pretty much what happens with the first lady - though Trapper ain't the one that causes it. They - minus Honoria - are all meeting up at some posh restaurant and when Winchester's date walks into the private dining room and sees Letta, it looks like she'd french kissed a lemon. Trapper kinda directs Letta behind him, just in case things get ugly, but hers seems to be an incoherently sputtering kinda rage.

Charles declares their date over and stiffly escorts her outta the room. When he comes back, it's to get real drunk and call her all kindsa posh people insults like "uncouth" and apologizes to Letta, who leaves pretty quick after that. Trapper can't blame her, he wants to make his own escape, but Charles probably shouldn't be left alone right now. So he and Hawkeye have a really expensive dinner on Winchester's tab and eventually talk him around to pleasanter topics - namely the many failings of the Boston Mercy board of directors - till he's ok to go home.

So Trapper ain't exactly looking forward to doing all that again. Though it can't turn out much worse than the first go round, and that's a relief.

The bad part is that this time the deal is being held at the Winchester house in Back Bay - a place Trapper swore he'd have to be dragged into kicking and screaming. And the house is monstrous - clearly built to intimidate rather than welcome. The entryway is a soaring cathedral of white marble - and, like a church, the echos of his footsteps make Trapper feel real small. Plus there's all these unnaturally silent servants hovering in the background, waiting to be called for. It gives Trapper the creeps.

One of the servants leads them into a stupidly opulent sitting room where Letta and Honoria are waiting. It's a little intimidating, meeting Winchester's sister. But polite chatter with rich women he has no interest in is something Trapper knows how to do. Something he'd learned through an unfortunate number of sorority mixers he'd been dragged to by dint of being the Dartmouth football captain. It's how he'd met Louise, actually - and now Trapper's pissed that Winchester couldn't have met a wife that way and saved them all this trouble. But instead he's stuck here, waiting for Winchester's date to show up so they can eat dinner.

At least Honoria proves to be as much fun as Hawkeye had said - full of embarrassing childhood stories Winchester will probably go to the grave denying ever happened. And Letta has some stories about her kids, and she and him and Hawkeye talk shop a little - none of the gory stuff, outta consideration for Honoria - and Honoria talks about an exhibit she's helping curate about women's suffrage that Letta has opinions about, so the time passes well enough. But it gets to be late enough that Trapper wonders if Winchester's been stood up. Cuz there's a line between fashionably late and just plain rude.

Finally, Winchester comes to get them, his date on his arm. And she's pretty, all right - but maybe a little younger than Trapper was expecting from Hawkeye's description. And Hawkeye and Honoria look a little surprised to see her as well. Maybe they didn't figure she'd make the cut. But they're polite through the introductions.

To her credit, Miss Marjory Oakes doesn't seem taken aback at Letta or Trapper's presence. So dinner goes well enough, with them kinda feeling out her politics. And she's honestly probably more liberal than Winchester - who's suspension of bigotry tents to be more individual than anything. He can stand being friends with some of "the good ones" without ever bothering to wonder if the rest might just be human too. In contrast, Miss Oaks appears to be a fairly progressive individual - even if it's like how most rich people are and centered around helping all those poor unfortunates by throwing charity galas - but she ain't condescending to him or Letta and appears genuinely interested in what they and Hawkeye have to say. Trapper wonders how the hell she survived almost two decades of fancy private school with her humanity intact.

Dinner's over and they've returned to the sitting room they'd waited in before. Miss Marjory Oakes has gone home so Hawkeye feels no shame in saying, "Excuse me for asking, Charles, but who the hell was that? I'm pretty sure she's not the Miss Oakes we went to the opera with several weeks ago. What gives?"

Charles sighs. "Indeed she is not the same woman. Miss Oakes the elder, who attended the opera, was indisposed this evening."

"Run off with another fellah, huh," Letta comments dryly.

"Quite. However, Miss Marjory Oakes is just finished with her art history degree and her parents are... eager... to see her married suitably. She has apparently had some rather ungenteel acquaintances as of late, and her father is concerned she may marry into the middle class."

"How terrible," Trapper deadpans.

"You simply must do everything in your power to rescue her from such a horrible fate," Hawkeye adds in a mockery of Charles's accent.

"St-st-still, I quite liked her," Honoria says. "I'm almost glad her sister th-th-threw you over."

"Indeed." Then Charles blushes. "I hope to call upon the lovely Miss Oakes, if she will allow me that honor. And if I hadn't already made promises to several other young ladies, I would end this interview process at once."

"You might wanna think about coming clean about this whole inheritance deal," Trapper says. "She sure seems like a good sport and if she's looking to get out from under family expectation, she might not mind a quick wooing." Hawkeye can't help but think Trapper's advice is influenced by his own marriage ending.

"You may be right at that, McIntyre. In any event, Miss Oakes deserves to hear the truth of things before deciding if she wishes to hear from me again. I would not do her the dishonor of misleading her."

"You're such a pompous wh-wh-windbag, Charlie," Honoria says with a grin.

"But that's what we love about you," Hawkeye adds.

Charles is.. nervous.. when he calls on Miss Oakes the next day. She really seems an exemplary woman - and one that Charles could see himself with for many years. A partner, rather than simply a method to acquire an heir and an occasional ornament for his arm. Additionally, the information he's about to divulge doesn't paint himself or his family in the best light.

He is allowed into the receiving room nearly immediately, and that indicates she holds him in some regard - and that knowledge serves to sooth Charles's nerves a bit. There is, of course, a chaperone present - anything else would be an impropriety - but she is sitting across the room, allowing at least a semblance of privacy. Still, Charles will need to use some... discretion in explaining the situation.

After the requisite greetings, he gets right into the reason for his visit. "My dear Miss Oakes. I greatly enjoyed your company last evening and I would be honored if you would deign to join me for more such outings."

"I had a lovely time as well, Dr. Winchester. I found your friends most engaging and your sister - I shall be delighted to strike up a friendship with her." Here Miss Oakes pauses delicately. "And if we are to continue our own friendship, Charles, you had best call me Marjory."

This visit is going better than Charles had dared hope. An invitation to use Marjory's first name - and her expressed desire for a continued relationship with Charles and his family. He only hopes the next ultimatum he must deliver does not revoke her goodwill.

"You do me a great honor, Marjory, in considering me a friend. It is in this spirit of friendship that I must make the following disclosure - for I would not disrespect your character with falsehoods - not even by omission."

Here Marjory looks quite serious but she has not asked Charles to leave or shown any signs of anger or upset. So he continues on.

"As you are aware, the Emerson Winchesters are an old and prestigious family with a substantial legacy. In the interest of preserving that legacy, my family hopes I shall be engaged by the summer. Otherwise, it may fall to other branches of the family to carry out that duty. I am most genuinely impressed by your character, your wit, and your beauty - my attentions are in no way solely directed by my family. But you must understand that this expectation does rather weigh on my mind."

Marjory lays a genteel hand on Charles's arm. "I quite understand your situation, Charles, and I commiserate. All of us must bear the weight of familial duty and expectation. Indeed, my own family should like to see me make a suitable match sooner rather than later."

"I am certainly not ready to become engaged this instant," Marjory continues, "but this information does not dissuade me from seeing you again, Charles. Indeed, I think it speaks well of your character that you have disclosed such a sensitive topic in order not to mislead me." She smiles most warmly at Charles. It looks like McIntyre was in the right about making a full disclosure.

"In that case, Marjory, may I escort you to the art museum next Tuesday? Honoria will be available to chaperone." That last bit is directed to their current chaperone, who smiles when Charles makes eye contact with her.

"I should be delighted to accompany you," Marjory says and Charles departs her home in high spirits.

Charles is almost glad that the remaining... interviews... with potential brides are a waste of his time. One young lady - and Charles feels she is barely deserving of that epithet when judged under any other criteria than family legacy - treats the household staff so poorly that it is embarrassing to witness. The evening ends when a pudding is accidentally upset over her lap as she is being served. And Charles can perhaps detect the hands of Pierce and McIntyre in the event, but he cannot express any disapproval over it. If she never steps foot in his home again, Charles will be most glad.

The rest of the candidates do not fare so poorly as her. They are simply boring after the eloquence and charm of Miss Oakes. Charles is pleased when the entire list of young women Grandmama provided is exhausted and he can concentrate on wooing Marjory. Because Marjory is not simply the best option on a list he's forced by circumstance to choose from - she is rapidly becoming the woman Charles would give almost anything to get to spend the rest of his life with.

Still, Charles does hope she accepts his marriage proposal before the Winchester summer cotillion. Cousin Alfred is such a blight on the family name. Not to mention, Charles would like to be able to offer Marjory the world - and the Emerson Winchester fortune would certainly aid in that goal.

"Well, Charles certainly seems to be in a good mood," Hawkeye says after the subject of his remark has gone home from poker night.

"Spring," Trapper declaims, "the time when a young aristocrat's fancies turn to thoughts of love - or inheritance, as the case may be."

"Is there a difference in those emotions?" Letta asks, a little snidely. She hadn't been all that impressed with Winchester's plight.

"To be fair to Charles, he does appear to actually care about Miss Oakes. And for whatever reason, she appears to like him. So it may be a marriage more convenient than most, but they'll hopefully be able to actually stand living together.”

"And if it don't work out, Winchester's got about one wing of mansion per family member, so they won't even have to see one another if they don't want," Trapper adds.

Hawkeye raises his glass in a toast. "To true love - as found in the pages of the financial report."

#mash #piercintyre #fanfic archive #you can't cross the same river twice #chapter 17

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 4 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/scorpio-the-master-transformer/

Scorpio ~ The Master Transformer

By Jeri Svenson

It has taken me some time to feel into what topic to write about today and at what depth. Usually when it is time for me to write a post, I focus on an image that represents what has happened to me personally during the week. There are multiple levels, or shall I say more precisely, multi-dimensional aspects of my life that I observe at a given moment. There are, of course, the physical aspects of day to day living. We can all relate to these activities. People of course feel a connection when they read about what the girls and I have been busy doing and the conversations that take place. When an image comes to the heart; a specific moment that I can describe in words, then the writing starts to flow, because I have anchored in a starting point.

This week, however, I have had an internal battle, which aspect of my processes do I share with you? I feel that I have now graduated from this grief school. When thoughts of the past take me away from the present moment, I bring myself back with awareness. I have not felt triggered by memories, nor had feelings of aloneness this past month. I have felt re~connected back to Neale, and back to Source energy (Mother God), as both accompany me with love in every breath. This is how much my inner space has shifted. So writing about the magical day we had in Dunkeld on Tuesday (5th of May) to honour Neale’s anniversary of passing with a simple ceremony of scattering his ashes, is equivalent to sharing my process on a very superficial level. I have moved beyond this physical aspect and ready to share with you my inner world of soul awakening.

Those who follow astrology will know that the full moon we experienced on Thursday the 7th of May, was a Super moon in Scorpio. We are highly connected beings and even if we aren’t aware on a conscious level of the energies that are coming in from the cosmos into Earth during a full moon, these energies have a massive impact on our energetic systems as well as emotional wellbeing. I was not that interested in western astrology before, as I was always fascinated by the 5 Elements that Neale studied and felt more connection with the revelations of Chinese numerology. But since I had my 5-D astrology reading earlier this week where I was made aware of the hidden gifts my soul wanted me to discover in this lifetime, I have become more curious about what astrology has to offer in teaching me about my purpose here on this planet.

My star sign is Scorpio, and it turns out, scorpio is the most powerful zodiac sign when it comes to attracting the hardest experiences and mastering its transformation. Essentially, the Scorpio sign is all about depth, hidden truths and transformation. Read more about it here (Super Full Moon in Scorpio).

The full moon energies have gotten very intense for me over the last year and I often have trouble settling into sleep resulting in a restless night. Since I had my spiritual (etheric) surgery, I have become more consistent with certain spiritual practices, for example full moon ceremonies. Burning ceremonies is something that I have done in the past but haven’t done so on a consistent basis. This type of ceremony is about acknowledging aspects of ourselves that still remain unresolved. It could be past trauma, relationship issues that we have not dealt with, anything that could be draining our energy or perpetuating ego attachments. These issues need to be released. I have always found this ceremony to be a powerful way of releasing and cleansing my energy field. When I have performed this ceremony in the evening before sleep, I find myself sleeping better during full moon energies.

We have such a deep collective wound around grief. Through many incarnations we have experienced countless birth and death cycles. So how could we even start to fathom the possibility that we can experience eternal life right now in our physical form? For a long while now, I have followed the Law of Attraction movement where the basic principle of like attracting like, I have applied in my life. By setting intentions as well as goals and focusing on them, I have manifested many positive outcomes into my physical reality. What I have discovered recently was that I wasn’t dreaming big enough. I mentioned in a previous blog how I wanted to manifest a new Earth full of possibilities beyond my wildest dreams. And this dream includes ending all suffering, illness, and disease. It also includes the disclosure of hidden technologies that create free energy, freeing us from slavery and bringing us back to our original sovereignty as essences of God. This will naturally end the birth and death cycle for good.

These concepts are not new. Native people’s prophecies have known about the great awakening for a very long time. Religions speak of the second coming and restoration of heaven on Earth. In the spiritual circles, the time we are in, is known as, The Event. So the question is, what role do I play in all of this?

When I was 15 years old, I remember sitting in class and the teacher was asking us what we wanted to do after high school. I knew that I wanted to be a psychologist and help people. I envisioned myself as a practitioner sitting in front of a child and the child didn’t have many words to express themselves. I had a vision of engaging this child through play, building a set of colourful blocks, little by little, each session adding one more block to the structure. In this way, I could feel into the child’s world as they built a certain structure in front of me. They didn’t have the trust or confidence to speak at the beginning, but eventually, through the therapy of play, they would open themselves up to me.

Although I have never formally pursued clinical psychology, I have always been passionate about helping others, especially in seeing aspects of themselves that motivate them to acknowledge or explore their feelings in more depth. I have felt more and more connected to this healer aspect of myself. During my astrology session with Aurora (thank you Aurora!), she confirmed to me that I have had many past lives as a healer. This makes sense and why my connection with Neale was so solid. Neale always said that I had healing hands, and he advised me not to take any formal qualifications on massage or healing, as I naturally had this capacity. I feel that this part of myself is what I have to offer others as we transition over to New Earth.

My astrology chart also shows that I am a powerful communicator. Something that is holding my evolution from progressing though, is not speaking my whole truth. Mercury is in my first house and this sign is all about outwardly expressing myself, to be heard. I recognise that I am a powerful communicator but I still hold back because I have a deep programming (as many of us have) of pleasing others and not rocking the boat.

To honour my role in this ascension, I am committing to speaking my truth with confidence. This means I will be sharing more information through this blog of what the purging of the darkness through this pandemic is all about, and its connection with God’s divine plan (of which we are all a part of). As more and more people experience their own individual awakening, what they are now realising is that this pandemic is actually a scam…and more importantly, that God is a woman.

The power is within you.

It’s time to rise up.

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rosecoloredknight · 5 years

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i want to become catholic

!!!!! Hey anon i’m so excited and happy to hear that from you!!! Now, before I begin to ramble about being and and becoming a Catholic- full disclosure: i’ve been officially a catholic for almost 2 years? so i am still a “newbie” on this whole being a Catholic. However, i will do my best to at least create a steeping stone? should you continue on this path of becoming a catholic. On that notion, it is totally okay if you change your mind. I’m not really a big “fan” of denominations; i feel like it destroys the purpose of being Christian. In other terms, I am more of a believer that if you truly believe in Jesus Christ with your whole heart, then i don’t care what denomination you belong to. To add to that, if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ, or are an atheist, I’m okay with that too. Just believe in doing and being good. :) Also, i’m typing this via my computer so i apologize for any typos and the letters that supposed to be but aren’t capitalized. okay-

One of the things you might start looking for is a place to start RCIA class. It’s just a class that helps you better understand the meaning of the sacraments, which if i am correct, they are seven sacraments, WAIT.. it is required in order to receive confirmation? Please do not do this until you are absolutely sure that moving into the Church is the right move for you - and God will give you that push when you are ready. Don’t feel rushed :)

Start off by finding someone in the parish where you live that you can relate to, perhaps someone in your age range, or same occupation, or whatever - so that the two of you can related. If you don’t know anyone in the parish speak to the RCIA director or the priest (priests are the most understanding and uplifting people i know of-- my new priest is the best!! they’re always there for you!!) and sit down, tell them all about yourself, and ask if they know anyone in the parish that could talk to you where you are.

Start going to Mass regularly. Try to show up a good 20 minutes or more early each time, (usually because in my parish we say the hail mary so you might want to familiarize yourself with that) and stay 10–20 minutes afterward. Learn to pray, kneel down in the pew, perhaps with that day’s Gospel or other Scripture reading, and find a sentence or two that speaks to you today. Read it slowly, and then discuss it in your head with God. Ask God to help you understand it and to apply it to yourself and your life.

After Mass, thank God for allowing you to be there and witness His death and Crucifixion for you and ask Him to remain with you as you go back into the world. Learn to pray daily, especially each morning and evening. Learn to set aside some time with a Bible and to pray to God in your own words. In addition, get a good book of Catholic prayers, and take like one prayer a week to learn and to pray that week.

As you progress talk to someone about explaining the rosary to you. Read the Scripture verses involved, and memorize the prayers. The rosary is basic meditation and until you memorize the vocal parts you cannot really meditate.

One more thing, try following Catholic blogs on any social media account if possible- I just started doing that with my instagram account. This reminds me, if you use youtube, try subscribing to Ascension Presents. It has a lot of insightful videos and Fr. Mike Schmitz is one of my favorite people when it comes to spiritual guidance. YOU DON’T HAVE TO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING. it’s okay :)

I think this is all i can come up with.. as of right now If you feel like this journey is something you might have to do alone for a while, because you feel like you can’t reach out, family might disapprove (happened to me :/), etc. that’s totally fine. Just know that you’re really not alone in this, regardless how it may seem. It doesn’t have to be specifically about this. Okay, I hope i was clear or made a little sense? i am so sorry if i did not.. but if you have any questions, please feel free to ask!! I’d love to be a part or at least help you throughout this!!

regardless if you (anon) decide to go through with this, i am glad i could respond to this. By the way, this ask made my day, not because you (anon) want to become a catholic, but more so, i feel like you want to get closer to God, or “the goodness of living life”. that’s always a victory in my eyes :)

thanks again, and i apologize if anybody got offended by this. i’ll pray for you anon.

I’m sorry- i need to add this because i just thought about it-- Becoming a catholic for me was a painful, growthful, humbling, and graceful experience. At first my family didn’t approve of this, in fact, i got chastised and felt belittle by them. It was mostly a lonely process knowing that i did not have their support-- but that’s where the others terms come into play :). What i am trying to say is, my path of becoming a catholic wasn’t a smooth process, but i would do it all over again :)

okay, shutting up now *waves goodbye*

#oh geez #this was a long response #im so sorry.#i keep seeing posts the say click here to expand or something like that?#how do i do that?#I don't mean to be such an intrusion with my ramblings #if anyone knows #Please feel free to give me a heads up how to #okay 😊👋#asks #personal.#Ohhh #try not to feel rushed #baby steps are still steps #im actually heading to an acts retreat these next four days!!#😊✌️

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