when you sleep — alex keller
kinktober day 5: somno (dont ask abt day 4)
the desperation from being apart for so long
tags: smut, somno / sleepy sex, dubcon (w/ explicit consent), breeding, light cumeating, light cunnilingus, thigh fucking
💤
He walked into the apartment with an annoyed groan, dropping his bag with a loud thud and kicking his boots off. His body was tense and his eyebrows were furrowed, it took everything in him to keep his agitated mumbles to himself.
Getting home was delayed by a week which already had him on edge, there was nothing more he wanted than to come home, but then instead of getting home at a tame 6 p.m like intended, it was 3 in the morning and the one face he wanted to see would’ve already been fast asleep.
He stood above the bed, shucking off his uniform, his eyes stayed glued to the calm, sleeping figure of his lover as he threw the damned uniform to a corner of the room to be cleaned up after he’d got some rest.
He unzipped his pants and tugged them to his thighs before a curt ‘fuck’ hissed from between his lips. He kicked them to the side, the ball of his palm rubbing over his growing erection.
“Baby?” He cooed sweetly, crawling into bed behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. “Baby, wake up.” He pleaded with a kiss on the shoulder as his hardened bulge pressed into the soft curve of my backside.
“Mhm?”
“Angel, I’m home.” He sighed to himself, feeling the relief of some of the tension. I mumbled his name and attempted to roll over to face him but he kept me firm in place. “No, stay there.” He whispered.
He grinded his hips against me softly for a moment, there was no set rhythm and was based entirely on instinct and desperation alone. His hands fiddled with the hem of my shirt, resting on the soft skin of my stomach as he kissed my neck and shoulder, earning quiet, content hums in response.
His hands dug into the waistband of my underwear, tugging them down gently. “You okay?” He asked shortly, earning a nod and an affirmative hum. “Just let me—“ He pulled his own underwear down and slid his wet, leaky dick between my thighs.
“S’okay.” My hands found his and played with them as I slowly began to wake up, still drowsed by sleep.
“Missed you so goddamn much.” He pleaded mindlessly. “Hated fucking my fist. I’m so fucking pent up, angel.”
His hips started thrusting, dragging his dick against my thighs. “Ah, fuck, so soft.” He choked out, his grip on my waist tightening as he sped up the pace, methodically moving his hips to his own release.
He was overly sensitive from neglecting his own needs while away from home. It had been too long away, slight gasps, pants and whines leaving his throat at the movements. Too long since he felt the soft skin of my body — too long that he’d been able to touch me like this. He was writhing at the soft plush of my thighs wrapping around his needy dick.
“Sorry, not usually like this.” He gritted out, embarrassed by his desperation. “Gonna cum all over your thighs, baby.” He confessed with a scrunched up face, his forehead resting against my shoulder. “Jus’ go back to sleep, baby, I’ll finish up.”
“Y’can fuck me.” I murmured into the pillow.
He let out a soft exhale. “Yeah? I feel your pussy leakin’ all over my cock.” His breathing was ragged and harsh as he tried to keep his movements steady. “I’ll fuck you proper, promise. I’ll make it good f’you.”
I let out a soft sigh and moved against him, the tip of his dick brushing against my bundle of nerves, the slickness coating his achingly hard erection. “Alex.” I breathed as a warning. “Jus’ fuck me.” My voice was doused in sleep, I leant back into him before lazily rolling on my back and tugging at him.
“Angel, I don’t..” He took a sharp inhale before pressing a soft kiss onto my lips, his fingers trailing my jaw. “God, I love you.” He whispered, his original defiance melting away as he climbed on top of me.
He pressed a dozen or so kisses onto my face as he lined himself up. He rubbed the squishy head between the folds, groaning inwardly and enjoying the view despite the dim room. The only light was that from the ensuite, revealing just enough. His tip was a dark red, almost purple, from how much he needed this.
His hands were preoccupied, one languidly stroking himself while he felt the slickness coat his dick, and the other taking a handful of the loose sheet. “You fuck yourself while ‘ve been gone?” He asked, his voice was tender and soft; filled with adoration for the baby he’s missed so much.
“Mhm.” I spoke sleepily, gradually waking up despite my exhaustion, my eyes glued to watching him rub himself against me. “Only fingers. Wanted y’to come back wit’ me all tight.”
“Awh, honey.” He crooned despite the raggedness behind his voice. The tip caught against the hole and his eyes fluttered briefly before pushing in. “You’re so tight, angel, fuck — that’s a good girl.”
“Like that.” I whined out. “Love feeling you after you’ve been gone.”
His response was quick, sharp and breathless. “Me too.” He panted, burying himself to the hilt slowly, letting both of us feel the stretch to its full extent, basking in it like morning sun. “Even after these months, you take me perfectly, sweet girl.” His voice choked out.
He reached hilt, his tip nudging against my back wall and his balls flush against my ass. He holds the position for a moment, causing a whine to drag out of my throat. “Al, baby, c’mon.” I pleaded gently, trying to shuffle against him.
“Stop, please.” He pleaded, his voice dropping to an octave that I’d never heard from him before — his muscles tensed, some of them trembling from the pressure. “I’m gonna cum, give me a moment.” He confesses with a string of whimpers, too enveloped by the feeling to bite them back.
I huffed in amusement, resting my eyes and sinking down into the pillows. “That needy?”
“Basically been edging myself for the last few weeks.” He joked dryly with a shaking voice. “Hated my hand so fuckin’ much, wasn’t enough, couldn’t..” He paused, trying to ration his breathing as I clenched around him, not entirely intentionally, he hunched over slightly as my body pleaded for movement. “Took too long to cum, so I’d give up.. Couldn’t fuckin’ do it, needed it to be you.”
His words were filthy, though they sounded like a love confession and in his own way, it was. He leaned closer to my face, pressing enough kisses to ease the pressure.
“Let me take you.” He whispered. “Please, I’ll fuckin’ worship you after, but I’m so fucking— I need you, please, I need to cum.” He begged, he actually begged. This was a man that’d taken more lives than he can count, sent all over the world to kill — but here he was, begging after months of sexual frustration.
“Y’so pretty when you beg.” I teased and his hands twitched, his hands digging into my hips, crescent moon-shapes onto the flesh as he restrained himself. A whispered ‘please’ escaped his lips like a cherry on top, and I basked in the dominance for a moment. “What do you want?”
“Want you under me. Been wanting your pretty li’l ass in the air, been picturing your pretty legs spread for me, showin’ me that pretty fuckin’ pussy, just..” He trailed off with a choked groan, the way his voice shook was clear enough to tell you that he couldn’t even think straight. “God, puttin’ y’self on display for me to just take.”
I shuffled under his tight grip, his fingers brushing my sides as he held himself with soldier-like restraint. I placed my hands over his, biting back all the snarky comments I had to make about his pleads. “So take it.”
His mind went blank and it was like he was seeing stars, he slid himself out and was careful, incredibly gentle, as he flipped me over. I laid on my stomach briefly and he ran his hands up and down my back, feeling the fabric of the shirt, before I pushed myself up onto my knees. I pressed myself against his hips, earning a twitch from his erection as it leant against the curve of my ass.
His hands landed on the soft skin of my backside, moving me forward before his dominant hand drifted downwards, his index and thumb spreading the folds so he could get a good look, watching the way the separation caused strings of slick between them, coating the tips of his fingers.
“Love you.” He babbled as a ‘thank you’ at the view, his other hand continued to push my position into place, trying to find a way that was more comfortable on my joints so he could just bury himself into me and never leave. My face was pressed comfortably into my pillow and I whined out for him.
He pressed himself slowly to the hilt with a soft groan. “That’s my girl.” He praised, leaning over me and pressing a kiss onto my shoulder and down my back, his fingers brushing through my hair. “Y’feel so much better than I remember.”
His words went straight to my core, the warm tingle making me clench and squeeze around him. His fingers began to dig into my scalp, holding it out of the way so he got a pleasant view of my neck and shoulders. He was mesmerised by the way my shoulders moved as I breathed and the way my throat moved as I moaned and swallowed thickly, my cheek pressing into the soft fabric and my mouth making an ‘O’ shape to keep my breathing steady at the sharp tension.
“You’re so lovely, angel.” He praised, beginning his gradual thrusts, slow enough to reminisce on what he’s missed. “So sweet to me, y’re lettin’ me have you like this.. Could’ve jus’ let me fuck your thighs, gone to sleep.” He sighed contently, not at all upset at the previous concept, he would’ve been just fine with it. His words were that of a love drunk lunatic, rambling every earnest word he could come up with. “I could’ve jus’ cuddled up to you ‘n’fucked you proper tomorrow but god, just..”
“Love you too much.” I mumbled into the pillow, feeling him fuck me further into the soft fabric. His hands on my hips dragged me to meet his movements, a sweet need to keep me comfortable while he literally took what he wanted.
His breath was still raggedy as he tried to make this as pleasant for both parties, though it was well known this wouldn’t be how sex usually was considering how he needed to let out his pent up frustrations. “Such a good girl, y’know I’ve wanted you for so long.” He praised, feeling incredibly grateful that he wouldn’t have to wait any longer. “My memory never does you justice.”
I muffled my sounds through the pillow as he moved us in tandem. I wiggled my hips at him and he hissed, his fingers dug into the plump flesh of my ass. “Take what’s yours, Alex.” I murmured into the pillow, my head bobbing at his thrusts.
“Always.” He whispered, his hands drifting. He enjoyed the fistful of ass, though his other hand continued to run up and down my spine, his hands dragging under the fabric of my tank shirt, his fingers brushing my hair to the side to display my shoulders to him. He continued to hunch himself over, pressing kisses onto parts of my back, feeling the muscles tense.
His hands wrapped around my hair once again, a makeshift ponytail as he displayed my neck to him fully. A kiss on the back of my neck, his teeth grazing slightly. His hands and lips tingling with the need to remember every inch of the body displayed in front of him.
“Your hair is so soft.” He praised, littering kisses on my neck and shoulder, trying to find any sense of closeness to cure the loneliness that seeped his bones while away. “And your skin is so sweet.”
He was winding me up, reaching places that haven’t been touched since his departure, the spongy flesh stretching to swallow him whole as he filled the space perfectly, and even after months, his muscle memory pushed him into just the right places.
Lewd sounds fell from my lips, a sharp gasp as he nuzzled against the spot of heaven. My eyes fell closed, threatening to roll back into my skull, his fingernails massaging my scalp, threatening to pull my hair back and bend my neck to unmuffle the sounds into the pillow. I whined out for him, and he conceded.
He pulled away from my neck, his body completely upright as he stopped moving my hips to meet his hips, instead pulling himself back and forth more suitably, holding my hips firmly in place so I couldn’t fuck myself back on him if I tried, or at least without a notable amount of effort. “Could take a bite out of that ass.” He grunted, slowing his movements to stop himself from cumming, though it earned him a dejected sigh, uncontent.
“I was close.” I tried to squirm, though his trained restraint held me firmly. He hushed me quietly as he moved slowly, depressingly so — enough to keep me sated while fighting off his own orgasm.
“Touch yourself for me.” He whispered, crooning sweetly. “Help me, let me use you.”
My legs struggled to hold myself up, wanting to buckle and go limp. I twitched around him as I rubbed figure 8’s to make up for the lack of friction from his movements.
“Fuck.” He choked out, a whimper escaping his throat. “You’re making this difficult.” The ball of his palm rested on the bottom of my spine, trying to soothe me. His hips stuttered and he whispered silent pleads.
“‘M sorry, you feel so good, missed your cock.”
“I know, angel. Jus’ don’t wanna be some chump that cums in 2 seconds.” He huffed, puffing his chest out. A short laugh at his own snide comment. “I wanna take my time on you.” His words were enchantingly sweet despite his outward demeanour, his actions of brute exploitation.
“Mhm, I don’t care.” I reassured, knowing how pent up he was — how angry his cock must look, all red and swollen from being neglected. He pushed into my walls like he had a frustrating desperation, thick and achingly hard.
“Baby.” He chuckled. “Might be usin’ you, but ‘m not selfish. Gonna make sure you cum on my cock, yeah? ‘M not selfish.” His words lingered, he echoed to convince himself that he wouldn’t get carried away, ‘I’m not selfish’ he tried to convince himself. Despite how appealing his thoughts were, he took a shaky inhale, pushing them away.
My hips moved on their own accord, continuing his thrusts slowly after a moment of stillness, he had me bouncing at his movements with the weak slapping sounds of our hips connecting, clawing ah-ah-ah’s leaving my throat in time to his thrusts. He buried himself deeply into my guts, he had no shame in hiding his noises, he was desperate and he wanted me to know how badly he wanted it.
He let out a continuous string of grunts, groans and whines. “Keep playin’ with your cute pussy, doll. Get yourself there for me, get yourself off.” I nodded in time with him, moving my hands in a mix between frantic, wild need and precise movements. I clamped down on him, and he grunted, a choked cry as his composure almost turned to dust right then and there.
He breathed heavily, watching me squirm with want. “Wanna cum on your cock so bad.” I babbled, a distant whine murmured into the saliva-stained pillow. “So damn close.” I was barely audible, incoherent mumbles and cries
His slow movements picked up speed, his hand running through my hair, a makeshift ponytail in his tight fingers as he fought the urge to crane my neck again. “Make some noise, let me know how much you’ve missed me.” He whispered lowly. “Missed your pretty fuckin’noises, your pretty pussy, your pretty damn face.” He pressed a chaste kiss on my shoulder, then the side of my face.
His fingers trailing through the ponytail, messily brushing knots from sleep out of it, before tugging on it slightly, just enough to move my mouth from the pillow. He tried his hand at small acts of devotion, his body shaking and trembling as he tried to restrain the greedy thrusts his body ached for.
“Wanna pull your neck so far back that it hurts.” He grumbled under his breath, before clearing his throat. “God, I love you, my pretty angel.” He crooned sweetly, covering up his previous devious thoughts, hoping my lust-haze blurred his words.
I sighed, fighting his grip to muffle myself into the pillow. “I’m close.” Whiney, high-pitched moans getting censored by the fabric I threatened to stuff into my mouth, sinking my teeth into it.
He nodded with each thrust, bouncing his head like he had no thoughts, watching me close my eyes in bliss, his grip on my hair loosened, just tight enough to keep the hair off my neck, letting the cool air brush against the skin to ease the sweat droplets forming all over my body. His thrusts began to lean more into my body, a white-knuckle grip on my waist, his fingers ghosting under the hem of the shirt. Sharp inhales and panting grunts from under his breath as he focused on whatever he could do to chase his orgasm off any longer.
“You’re right there.” He pleaded, trying to encourage the climax. “What’d’ya want me to do? Angel? What can get you there closer? What’ll make you— ah—” He hissed at the sudden tightness. “So fuckin’ tight, oh my god.” A choked gasp, and he scrunched his eyes tightly, then an airy laugh. “Squeezin’ the life outta me.”
Incoherencies fell from my mouth like stones, they were heavy yet quiet. I felt my stomach tense up under his fingers, my legs feeling like they’d collapse under my own weight and feeling my body clamp down on him like a vice, trying to keep him firmly in place. Then it washed over me, a high pitched whine. “Alex—!”
A low guttural groan as he twitched, his hips stuttering with desperation, moving more feverishly. “Oh fuuck, thank you.” He grunted, huffing for air. He felt the intermittent spasming cunt around him, a weak attempt of my body to milk him dry.
Both our bodies were slick and sticky with sweat, and he basked in my pleasure. “Don’t stop.” I almost sobbed; and he nodded with an open mouth grin, lazily smiling down.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
He felt the spasm die down into twitching of overstimulus, and the way the warmth hugged him was too much for him — feeling the squelch of the wetness around him as he drove his hips to his finish. His hips pushed as deep as they could, brushing against my cervix, and his own member twitched before he came with a loud, pornographic moan.
“That’s m’pretty li’l angel.” He slurred, his voice gruff as he came hard, flooding my insides with his seed. “Missed you so fu-ucking much.” And his body went limp, laying himself down against me, idly grinding his hips into mine. He was still painfully hard, sagging only slightly, and he nuzzled into the sweat-musk of my neck.
My hands fell from my sensitive clit, and I went limp from under his heavy body, letting his body weight sink onto me, I tried to ration my breathing, catching my breath as he still panted desperately.
“Gotta keep m’cum in you.” He grumbled, his nose brushing against the damp curve of my neck. He kept grinding into place, a low groan as he felt his arousal not falter in the slightest. I hummed, and he laughed, still feeling the way the oversensitivity felt around him. He pulled himself out, giving himself a few messy, languid strokes as a substitute for the sudden lack of inviting warmth.
His lips trailed down my spine, his fingers dragging the tank top up to worship the skin of my back, the blank canvas he could just paint. He lightly sunk his teeth into my backside, small indents on my ass, met with a light slap when he pulled away.
He admired the scene in front of him, taking in the dazed, fucked out look on my face, my eyes struggling to stay awake. The way my body slumped into the mattress, all limp, my arms spread out over the pillow like I could just fall asleep right there. He laughed again, almost ignoring the need that consumed him.
“Mhm?” He beckoned, pressing kisses onto my face. “Sleepy girl, you here?” He huffed in amusement. “Did I fuck my pretty girl until she passed out?”
I grumbled under my breath a faint ‘nuh-uh’ — “‘M here.” I sighed, my voice gravelly from exhaustion. “Still here..”
“Let me clean you up.” He spoke sweetly, the palm on my lower back directly aiding the movement to flip me casually and easily onto my spine without moving me too much, to let me rest and to let the ache settle.
He moved his face lower down my body, faint and gentle, ghost-like kisses down my body until he pressed his nose against my clit, a deep inhale of the messy hole he’d ruined. He licked a strip between the wet folds, collecting the juices on his tongue with a short groan.
“I’ll be doin’ this for hours tomorrow.” He mumbled to himself, completely aware of my languid state. He could stay down there for hours currently, but the way my hips twitched, threatening to pull away from him was all he needed to know better, too much of a good thing and all of that.
His hands stayed on my thighs, and he hushed me quietly. He was too tired to move, too horny to stop, and too loving to leave his sweetness all alone and unclean. Curt kisses place on my thighs as he stretched the muscles outwards, his hands wiping any sweat from behind the knees, and he crawled his way back up my body, angling me onto my side with a greedy kiss on the lips.
“Mhm, I taste you.” I commented, tasting the mixture of our cum on his lips.
“Tastes sweet, ain’t it? Like heaven.”
He snuggled up behind me like he did originally, his arms wrapped tightly around my stomach and pulling me close against him. I didn’t fight him, sleepily going with the way he moved me around, and he smiled into the crevice of my neck.
I could feel that he was still hard, pressed against my lower back, and he knew I could feel it, a tender kiss on my neck as an apology for it. “God, still fuckin’ hard.” He chuckled dryly. “Might jus’ keep fuckin’ y’thighs ‘till morn’..” He slurred, testing the waters and earning an affirmative hum in response. “You’d be okay wit’ that?”
“Mhm, ‘course.”
“Yeah?” He huffed. “Jus’ go to sleep, angel.” He reassured softly, quiet mumbles under his breath, his fingers running up and down my stomach carefully. “So perfect..”
He took a sharp inhale, a shaky exhale and moved my legs apart slightly, sliding his soaked cock between my thighs, using it as warmth for a moment, so he was already there when he decided his desperation was too much, that the lust made his body ache and his brain fog — he’d tolerate it until he can’t anymore.
“Sleep, pretty angel. Got all’ve tomorrow yet.”
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Til Death Ch.1
Alex Keller x F!Reader
Warnings: MDNI, Angst, some fluff eventually, maybe even some smut, who knows. Bad grammar/writing because I didn’t go to school past 8th grade (dead serious)
“Hi sweetheart” Alex’s mom’s south voice came through the phone.
“Hi mom” Alex cheerfully replied.
“How you been sweetheart” she asked.
“Been alright, just staying busy with work” alex knew better than to give his mom too much stressful information about his job. She’s one to worry.
“Don’t you think it’s time to find something new to do for a living? You’ve been at this for almost eight years” she asked once again, she’s been trying to push him to change careers for what feels like forever.
“I know” Alex tried to not sound annoyed because he knows it’ll start a fight. He knows she means well but she always brings it up every chance she can.
“How are you two gonna start a family if all you do is travel around doing God knows what” she said almost bitterly.
Alex sighed “I know mom”
“How is she” his mom asked. She loved hearing about Alex’s sweet girl. She was everything she hoped her son would find in a partner.
“She’s doing good, same as me. Busy with work” Alex smiled at the thought of you.
“Well I was gonna ask just to make sure, she is coming to your sister’s wedding with you. Right?” His mom was growing impatient having never met you. You were always out on mission, meetings, sleeping. Every phone call you seemed to be unaccounted for.
“I don’t know mom” Alex replied trying to stay calm and quiet so nobody else in the building heard him. Last thing Alex wanted was for someone to find out.
“Hold on your dad and sister just got here, I’m putting you on speaker” she said.
“Hey kiddo” his father yelled into the phone.
“Hi dad” Alex knew this was about to go terribly.
“Hey bitch” Alex’s sister Beth chimed in.
“Hello to you to” his voice filled with annoyance from hearing her voice. It wasn’t that he hated her, it’s that she’s the golden child he’s always been compared to.
“So she’s coming right” his mom asked again.
“Mom I said I don’t know, our boss is picky with time off so he might not let us both off at the same time” he replied trying to cover as best as he could.
“You’ve been with her for three years. She’s never even visited with you the past two times you came home” his dad said in a stern voice. Alexs dad is the only one to have met her, he works a job similar to Alex and they crossed paths about three and a half years ago.
“I know, it’s not that she doesn’t want to meet you guy. It’s just that it didn’t work out the last time” he tried to sound sincere.
“Three years, she’s never around when you call, no visits, no pictures of you two together” Beth said.
“We can’t have personal phones or cameras with us on assignments Beth” Alex contemplated if just hanging up would be best.
“Ok, well what about when you’re off work” she’s persistent to crack him.
“Beth what are you trying to get at here” he sneered at her.
“You’ve been faking having a girlfriend haven’t you” her tone was cocky.
“Seriously Beth? You think I would lie about having a girlfriend for almost three years?” Alex said nervously laughing knowing the truth.
“I think you would, you’ve always been jealous of me so your trying to make yourself look good to the family”
“Beth, that’s uncalled for” his dad said to her.
Alex sighed “No Beth I’m not lying”.
“Ok, well if you two have been together for three years when’s the wedding? Three years and you haven’t fully committed to her. You must just be a easy lay for her”
“Beth” His mom yelled at her.
Before he could stop himself he said “Beth I’ll have you know we got engaged last month” it was too late to take back.
For the rest of the conversation his parent were ecstatic. And Beth was pissed off to say the least. The questions seemed to be never ending, his family was excited to be growing. When would the wedding be? Where? Can we give you a list of who to invite? Have you told your grandma yet?
Alex tried and tried to tell them not to share the news of his engagement. Alex told them he wanted to be the one to share the good news, but knew they are going to share the news regardless of his wishes. His mother especially, she lives for gossip and drama.
His mother finally slowed the conversation after almost another hour “Well I best get off this phone now dear so you can go get some sleep, tell your sweetie I love you both”
“Will do, love you too mom” Alex said still trying to grasp his own stupidity.
And now Alex sits alone in the mess hall wondering how he could have dug himself such a big hole. And why did he have to drag her into this.
He couldn’t just tell his parents they ended their engagement. Surly not before his sister’s wedding. Last thing he needed was for his visit to be filled with pitiful conversations about him.
How the hell was he going to fix this?
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You weren't supposed to laugh
Masterlist
My submission to @glitterypirateduck 's Alex Keller Challenge November 10-19
Promt used: №27 You weren't supposed to laugh
Pairing: Alex Keller x Reader
TWs: no
Friends to lovers, fluff, confession.
"You're an egoist, Alex Keller," he mutters irritated to himself, fastening his pace, almost running, ignoring cold heavy water drops landing on his head.
How long did he knew her? Five years? Or seven? How long does he have this hopeless crush? Five years? Or... Yes, he was done for from day one. She had this certain warmth surrounding her, a serenity that contrasted sharply with the intensity of Alex's work. The world could descend deeper into a chaos, but she remained a constant in his life, a pillar of support, he selfishly was afraid to lose. So Alex Keller, the devoid of fear Echo 3-1, kept his mouth shut, just holding on to her, even as a friend only.
"A coward!" His insults are spilled through gritted teeth. Alex was ready to risk his life again and again, but didn't have the courage to confess his feelings. The stakes seemed too high, his chances - almost non-existent. Why would ever decide, he was the right guy for her after all?
He was almost never there, when something bad happened to her. Alex didn't hold her, when she had to put down her old dog - he was on the other part of globe, fighting. He didn't distract her with a movie night and snacks, when she had to wait for a result of a quite serious medical test - he was sleeping in a transport between two missions. He wasn't even there to cheer her up, after her project, she worked on so hard, got rejected - he has just taken the car to a service station and was walking out of it on his two. She didn't specify in the first place, when would the presentation take place, but Alex feels terrible for not asking her every week, every day, if necessary, when is the D-day for her project. And because of that, he found out the bad news per phone call.
She sounded exhausted. She was never a whiny type, but this time Alex heard tears in her voice. Too much effort was put into this work, too many sleepless nights. It broke his heart to hear her like that, and he panicked.
"...Useless dumbfuck." He stops for a moment, replaying their call in his mind.
For some reason he decided, he needs to make her laugh at any cost. Maybe it was the pain in how her 'hey, can you please talk to me for a few minutes?' sounded. But Alex was lost. At first, he tried his stupid jokes. As many as he could remember. When it didn't help - he switched to imaginary scenarios.
"Hey, you know, what would be funny? If you brought a soldier on your presentation! So that every time, your clients interrupted you or paid more attention to a view outside their windows - the soldier would harshly snap at them. 'Following every single letter of this debriefing could save your life, private!' or something like that..." Alex doesn't really control the words leaving his mouth as long as they make her laugh. And he actually succeeds, because in a few moments she starts to chuckle. So he goes on, telling her, how would her day would go, if she was followed by a military guy in a full gear and a death stare ready for anyone, who is about to cross her path.
"He would scare others off, you know?"
"With his glare or with his guns?"
"With his bizarre hairstyle. You know how your hair start looking after a week of constant sandstorms?"
Her laughter is a light, tinkling melody to his ears, reminiscent of wind chimes on a breezy day - light and refreshing. In reality, its the only thing on his mind every time, he has to endure through another sandstorm on deployment.
"... and at the end of the day he would escort you home and salute you."
"Wait, and a payment? I wonder, how much would it cost to hire such a guy for the day."
"Payment? Don't turn a beautiful act of an altruism into some banal deal! Dunno, maybe a forehead kiss?"
For the next ten minutes they discuss military payment strategies, barely containing laughter. When they say goodbye, a random phrase escapes his lips.
"Love you so much."
She laughs once again. Something deep inside Alex shrinks. He doesn't even hear her saying 'bye' - every other voice around him get silenced by a sinister noise - a symphony of shattered hopes and distant echoes.
He's an egoist to keep her in the dark, not shoving her his true feelings for ages. A coward, who could never open his mouth, even when the moment was right. A fool, who just blurted this confession out of nowhere in the middle of a joke. She didn't understand, he meant it, and Alex can't blame her honestly.
And now he runs to her place like a dog, running after a car carrying away his favorite person. He is desperate to the point, that he can't even start thinking, what would he tell her, once she opens the door.
So when he sees her tired, yet surprised face, his first phrase comes out as awkward as the confession itself.
"You weren't supposed to laugh."
She looks at him startled and confused for a few painfully long moments. As Alex understands, how puzzling that sounded without the whole context from his mind, he runs his hand through his wet hair and shakes his head.
"Alex? You're ok? I-I wasn't expecting you!" She drags him in her house and takes off his wet jacket, so calmly, as if he hasn't just said some complete nonsense.
And at that moment Alex understands: for two long he stayed in his very own trail of thoughts, his own context. She definitely deserved to know more about what was going on in his head. He no longer had the right to keep everything quiet for years and then dump such strange conversations on her.
So he touches her shoulder softly.
"Hey, don't bother hanging up my jacket. I might need it in a moment, if I sre-"
"Alex, you're scaring me! What is happening, why are like this?" A worry in her voice stings him with guilt. But he proceeds, ignoring raindrops still rolling down his face and under the collar.
"I know, we were playing around on the phone today. And I was incredibly happy to cheer you up. But the last thing I told you... You weren't supposed to laugh. Because I meant it. And before you slap my face for being such a mess - I know, it sounded as a part of a joke. But it wasn't. It wasn't for the last I-don't-even-know-how-many years. And if you give me a chance - I am ready to confess it properly. But if there's no need - I'd better just take my jacket and see myself out."
As he fell silent, the world around them seemed still. His eyes, always so attentive and kind, when she was around, looked deeply worried. Alex felt vulnerable, everything in him screamed to keep her by his side at any cost, to turn this all into yet another joke, so that she calms down and stays his friend at least. But Alex didn't let these feeling get better of him. He waited patiently and obediently, not daring even to breathe in.
She turned away, and hung his jacket on a hanger.
"You won't be needing this anytime soon, Alex."
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