#But we're coping in this house
Text
I am so seething angry most days, and my brain has decided the best way to deal with it is to be the most fucking pleasant human I can be.
Blood boiling seething mad? Kiss my cat tenderly a hundred times like she is a soft baby.
Ready to rip the dirt up with my bare hands and scream bloody murder? Doodle a goofy little guy on a sticky note.
Yearning to RIP and TEAR and MAUL? Water the garden and make sure those fucking roses GROW.
Wanting nothing more then to BITE someone? Make cookies instead.
#I dont know why im so angry right now#But we're coping in this house#is this a good coping mechanism#personal info#might delete later
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
like i say it all the time but i can't stress it enough. how do other people do it
#and everyones like ohhh we're all struggling no one is rly coping and i get that but fundamentally you are#able to develop friendships and relationships and hold down jobs and take care of yourself at least at a basic level i dont know why#i cant i dont know why one single meeting takes it all out of me i dont know why i cant control my facial expressions properly or say the#right thing ever i just dont know#i dont know why i dont date i dont know why i hardly have friends i dont know why leaving the house exhausts me to the bone i dont know why#im not fun to be around
310 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#my brain is full of the fire-alarm-in-next-room of anxiety#Two (extended) family members are probably actively dying#I need to clean house before one of those members comes (back) here to (probably) continue treatment#I need to entirely refigure my like. Life work plans. But feel like I can't while we're coping with family health crisis#And I have been on my period for going on four weeks now#So I also need to snag a same-day apt with my pcp about that#And while it is PROBABLY stress or thyroid or pcos bullshit#The anxiety brain fire alarm is convinced it's cervical cancer#Because what we need right now is a third active cancer diagnosis!#Plus (probably) anemia from 3+ weeks of blood loss is making me hella lethargic#When I need to be cleaning house. And getting up early to get a same day Dr apt.#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
tw i got triggered as fuck
i had a shit sleep and then on top of that this morning, like only 20mins after i woke up, my sister's partner suddenly exploded in anger, because my dog barked at our other roommate (who my dog is scared of). and i know sudden loud noises are a trigger for him (the partner) who also has PTSD but then he just, yelled and slammed doors and stomped around and. everything that triggers me, he did. and i know it wasnt to purposefully trigger me of course, and he's stressed and sick and overworked, and i know it's probably not really about my dog. but trauma doesn't care about the details, it just goes yelling angry man = dangerous = triggered as fuck. so i escaped and hid in the backyard and calmed myself down from having a panic attack... by dissociating lol. but thats what dissociation is, a protective (if at times maladaptive) coping strategy. and then eventually i went back into the house and hid in my room, thankful that the door locks (though I also know im not in any danger, he's not my stepdad). music + weighted blanket + comfort toy + dog + self soothing skills. feeling better but this is just gonna ruin the next few days for me, and I'll have nightmares tonight. my sister was also triggered, but she apologised on his behalf (annnnnd thats also triggering, it's too much like how my mum constantly was apologising for my stepdad....) and told him to talk to someone today, while he's gone (he left, thank fuck).
and its not even lunchtime 😞
#personal#hs' cptsd#no bold#i was on the verge of tears (and i never cry) thinking. nowhere is safe. but i had to keep telling myself (my selves.) -#- that hes not my stepdad. im not in danger. its scary and triggering but we're here in 2024 in my own house with autonomy and safety.#fuuuccckkkk my next therapy appt isnt until the end of the month. & i was already not coping and desperately needing a session and now this!#ugh. & it seems like its always either about me or my dog or both. no one seems to love us enough to deal with us. not the truth but 😵💫
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
also i have updated abusive housemate lore
#apparently it's bitchy to not wanna get locked out of your fucking house#like we left a note on the door reminding her that everyone was getting back late so pls don't put the chain on the door#bc WE NEED TO GET IN WE'RE NOT IN A SAFE PART OF THE CITY FFS#literally all we said was “be back late- please don't put the chain on xx” AND I DIDN'T WRITE IT#but she put a note on MY DOOR saying it was bitchy which my sister also said kinda screams that she deliberately locked us out on friday#really tempted to put a note saying “cope” on her door but that's a terrible idea#only 20 weeks until i move out thank fuck#and i'm gonna be in my hometown for like 8 of those#cw vent#cw mental abuse
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
hii it's been awhile since i've given any updates about what's going on with me but!!! i think we're moving back to oregon at some point. and i'm gonna make grad school happen. i'm so yhappy
#i'm going to oregon sometime this quarter but it's gonna break my heart because i have to leave again#idk the col is so much higher there than here. you can buy a whole three bedroom house for $200k here#a 3 bed in oregon is at least twice that#and rent is insane. $1100 for a beautiful 3 bed here. or twice that for something less nice in oregon#well. not HERE here jesus the suburbs are expensive. but in central pa where we're thinking of moving#which is like.... the best place to retire in the country? what's with that. low col probably LOL#and lately i've been feeling so..... lost? the ego death i went through in 2023 was incredible#and like. do i NEED to go to grad school to get a well-paying job in my field? no i have almost 7 yoe#but i'm missing feeling good at something. and the networking. and the portfolio work i can do. so it wouldn't be about employablility#though that helps. idk i'm gonna try to get my undergrad loans paid off as much as i can (only 30k left on the ones in my name 🫠) this year#while working on freelance projects and all that. it just feels good having a direction that doesn't feel completely hopeless#because it's been so bleak lately. like. got laid off from an agency i poured my soul into (not doing that again unless it's my own)#experienced something deeply personal and destabilizing i don't feel comfortable sharing#moved across the country while i didn't have a job and was processing that trauma to a place where i know no one#i got so lonely and so alone that i thought i would die. i didn't really have anyone to turn to while i did the work of reliving#started drinking a lot to cope bc i didn't have a medical card. was truly miserable. got a medical card. wasn't miserable anymore#and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself.#it's been so hard but i'm so glad to be seeing the end of it. and to see good things and happy things in that
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Our apologies if we're... inconsistent in the next little bit. If you'll allow us to be briefly negative, the 3DS/WiiU online services shutdown is... hitting us, with the abrupt GRIEF of something that was loved and cherished and cared for being abruptly... shut down, just like that. Features taken out forever. Parts of games that could have been loved for years to come simply being... gone. An axe that, unlike with older games, CAN'T simply be recovered from, except with infrastructure. Communication between games lost forever. A whole link in things gone, with a lifespan of barely more than twelve years.
It's...
We enjoy the Pokemon games. If we were to start a trade between two GBA Emerald cartridges nowadays, provided we tracked down the hardware, it could still be done. Nothing is lost of communication features. Platinum is a full game without the wifi features, albeit missing a few trade evolutions, and if you have a wifi router with antiquated enough settings, you can still transfer your pokemon forward to Gen 5. Black and White lose few features and can be played in full without hurting too much. With the 3ds...
Pokemon Bank being shut down means no more transfers to future games. A guillotine to transferring beloved Pokemon forward, with no real remedy. ORAS's secret bases rely on passively collecting data from other participants to function. Hacking 3DS games is already difficult, and we doubt that reverse engineering parts of infrastructure that are simply gone will be easy. Maybe it's just other things fucking with us, and we're definitely being a bit dramatic, but... the eShop shutdown already cut off massive amounts of previously playable games. Who will archive online features? Who will archive the things that require connective infrastructure? As things grow more complicated, they grow more difficult to repair. How long before it becomes impossible to replace that which once was?
Twelve years feels like a horribly short lifespan for any technology, and things keep trending worse - making things faster and faster and more and more rushed as the structures they're built on require more and more work. This isn't sustainable. This can't keep going. This market is running faster than we can handle, and it feels like it's only getting faster. Modern things keep being discarded the moment they aren't shiny and new, keep leaning more and more on communication and intercommunication and infrastructure that will rot the moment it isn't actively attended to. How much worse will it be for future things?
There is a game on our computer, fully installed. No online features at all. Yet, it cannot be played. It was made with AOV to prevent piracy, and the servers it was meant to connect to no longer exist.
We don't want more games to be made the same way. But we don't think that this road branches anywhere but an awful demise, approaching faster and faster by the day.
#we speak#negative chatter#we do apologize for this. we've been spiralling on and off for the past While#a specific project we thought we had time for is now on a six month deadline and we aren't coping well with it#it's. look let's just say we're not in a great state of mind#this is a subject we feel strongly about and this is hitting us in the gut in all the wrong ways#we hate how archiving games isnt considered important we hate how digital history is seen as Less Important#we hate how everything that we cant hold in our hand is liable to vanish the moment that someone decides it isnt making profit#we. don't like the fact that the lives of the things we care for are growing more and more finite#there's a rot in everything digital that just grows and grows and grows#and we arent sure it can be rooted out. and we arent sure it can be stopped. but it grows and grows and grows#as more and more peoples lives and health are dedicated to a beast that eats and eats and eats#we don't like how modern things are made. we don't like the way things are going.#we think of new houses and new construction. we think of how our wool greatcoat still holds out nearly a century after its making.#we think of how our new winter coat had to be discarded barely five years after its purchase.#we crave permanancy and variety but more and more everything is growing faster and blander and more discardable#and this is only a symptom of it. but it brings enough to the surface that we're struggling to cope.
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Really feeling that experience of being an autistic person in an environment that's terrible for me where I'm basically trying to figure out really hard how to not be an emotionally unstable wreck all the time who throws "childish tantrums" over "dumb shit" because I hate feeling like my family always expects me to just snap whenever anything happens and whether or not I do just depends on how much Repression Juice I've got left in the tank or how Unshitty the circumstances have been for the last week or even few days
#I am literally doing the best that I can for myself but there's a lot of stuff that I communicate actively to other people in this household#that never gets better or that just gets scoffed at and my environment is horrific because we're very poor and everyone in this house is#disabled and my workplace environment fucking sucks and I spent 15 years of my life basically being completely unaware of just how high my#supports needs actually are and so I'm also trying to mentally juggle and figure that shit out so I can at least make an attempt to take#care of myself the way I need to but when so many things are basically looking at you trying to cope and laughing in your face and then#punting you down from the mountain you're climbing with a bat and basically saying 'how cute and stupid of you to think you could possibly#make progress or take care of yourself? don't you understand your circumstances dipshit?'#IT'S KIND OF PAINFULLY DIFFICULT HAHA.#I basically deal with this by holing myself up all the time just trying to keep my bullshit away from people#I'm very sick of it#Like even when I try to have a conversation when I'm getting really upset or angry about something#one person in this house is impossible to talk to at all because she's argumentative as hell about literally everything and anything#including stuff you didn't even say. Like I have no idea what she's even saying to me half the time and she almost never listens#the other one is my aunt who is so emotionally repressed she can't even have a conversation with a whiff of vulnerability in it#and then my mother just shuts down and ignores me ! Which Makes It Worse!
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
tried with middling success to do my nails after half a bottle of wine and like. lent is TECHNICALLY OVER and it has been a LONG ASS FEW WEEKS but also it looks like i massacred someone and not spent two hrs playing videogames and doin my nails in red while lit
#alcohol cw#ANYWAY#i look like a FOOL#and a CHILD#but honestly at this point i dont even care#wine i missed uuuuuuu#i mean im glad i gave it up for lent#its a comfort i dont NEED and only indulge in on weekends anyway#but living in THIS HOUSE???? oh man i love my red wine sm#and cider season is upon us#i miss social drinking!!!!! i miss having friends!!!!#anyway. work tmrw and im just.#well. at least it's a 4 day week.#motivation? nonexistent#i feel ADRIFT and i have been feeling so for weeks#it's the ennui#lack of tangible goals. pressing loneliness. etc etc etc#oh videogames and manga as coping mechs we're in it now :)\#at least the 1st l&c book is FINALLY coming in from the library#ive had it on hold forever#me n lockwood gotta be depressed bitches#and also kipps is just. aimless quarterlife crisis 20 something. ME TOO MAN. ME TOO#WHEN IS IT GONNA GET WARM. IM DYING#the crocuses are starting to bud but it's STILL COLD
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
cannot stop thinking about yungi youth mv
#like what if i throw up#it's about the trauma and the tiredness and picking yourself back up and moving on it's about friendship and home#they lost sight of each other when they were so focused on themselves and their own shit#the shot of mingi in front of the mirrors where the center one is himself and the rest are yunho with his back towards him like !!!!!!!!!!!!#their old coping mechanisms not working#mingi used to use music to shut out the world so he could be alone but now it brings him back to yunho but yunho isn't THEREEEEE#yunho picked up his lore!brother's guitar bc it had been his dream before he died and he was grieving him but here he's smashing it on the-#-wrecked car the thing that took his brother away from him#and u can SEE yunho dancing in the burning house even in the 2 different sets u see flames through the windows#and mingi is watching the cabin burn alone until yunho walks into frame and we can breathe bc he's no longer trapping himself in that house#AND THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE TURNS TO MINGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII#IT'S LIKE. WE'RE BOTH HERE. WE MADE IT AND WE'RE STILL TOGETHER.#gonna puke. idk if anything i've said makes sense it's after midnight and my head is a jumble they just got me feeling a lot#it's about the loneliness it's about the grief it's about watching ur past in third person it's about returning to yourself in the present#mingi i love u forever and ever. his lyrics have always hit the hardest like he Gets me#god this is just such a fever era song so ofc i'm obsessed like the lyrics in that series just fuckin HIT#they talk abt how hard and lonely and scary and confusing and tiring it is growing up and i start thrashing and clawing at the walls#how wonderful to not only be alive at the same time as atz but to be the same age & have similar experiences so their music feels like a hug#like. i'm not alone huh#ANYWAY. did not come here with the intention of saying anything in the tags i was just gonna post that picture but alas#kara can talk
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
It's a million degrees and Sally is stranded in the desert.
or, a look into how Sally ended up at Radiator Springs. because i can.
out from a writer's block i climb, victorious. enjoy.
#mine#pixar cars#eight hours on a plane is surprisingly a bad place to try and be creative i find#but i was watching the first movie again to try and cope with being back in the states and suddenly im whipping this thing out in like 2 da#its so hot here#and the house im in for the school year is a bit janky#and we're on the part of campus that kept getting robbed last year so im getting such shitty sleep cause im all alone til my roomies move i#the fuckin ac in my truck isnt working so driving isnt fun anymore ;-;#so if quality has been low recently i apologise but also not really
1 note
·
View note
Text
dfkjghfdkljgbhvclkjbdifxughoisdhgvifuslghsfilg IM SO HAPPY RN
#i got the housing i wanted for next year!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so worried i wouldnt!!!!#the process is kinda shit so it wasnt guaranteed and very on edge but we got it!! we got what we wanted too!!!#the only thing is that we're on the bottom floor instead of thhe top which is what we wanted#but like i have earbuds ill cope skjsdklf and was gonna have to deal with it somehow anyways later on#im just happy ill have my own space again#echoed voice
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
I LOVE MY FRIENDS I LOVE MY FRIENDS I LOVE MY FRIENDS I LOVE MY FRIENDS I LOVE MY FRIENDS I LOVE MY FRIENDS I LOVE MY FRIENDS I LOVE MY FRIENDS
#mica rambles#almost had a meltdown bc a gigantic spider came out of my room this evening#when I tell you it was big it was probably the size of my hand and it was THICK AND IT LOOKED LIKE IT MOVED FAST#so me and my roomie (both arachnophobic otherwise it's not funny<3) were in an absolute state of panix#but!! some of our friends came over and killed it for us!!! THANK THE FUCKING STARS FOR THEM IM SO GRATEFUL THEY WERE HERE#So yeah! Adventures for the evening! I'm drained dry! Of any energy!#it still bugs me heavily that it was in my room AGAIN because spiders and bugs are always in my room and not anywhere else in the house#but we're going to cope I think and not focus on the fact that spiders love us for some reason again <3#or that it's the 9th spider (not counting bugs) that was found in my room since September <3 when that count is at 0 for the rest of the#Apartment!!!#cw arachnophobia
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i watched My Neighbor Totoro for the first time, here's my chronological viewing experience:
woo-hoo! dusty old japanese house with japanese architectural details aplenty
these kids got some ENERGY my goodness
family dynamic's adorable. peak quality dad humor
kids: our house is haunted. parents: that's so cool!
hell yeah, wrinkled old lady rep. we need more friendly old women with potato faces and warts like storybook witches. the backbone of society, these ladies
Plot Summary: Small Child Bothers Local Wildlife
sacred tree sacred tree sacred tree
Introducing Totoro! nobody said this fucker's got TEETH???
Uh-Oh! Inadequate Parental Supervision Detected
(you misplaced your four year old! you're not supposed to do that)
4-year-old: i met a magic forest spirit. dad: oh shit fr?
4-year-old: *angrily hugs sister* missed u bitch
this small child has a smile like a toad. like a really really cute toad. like the cutest toad in all existence. i love her she's perfection please just let this child be happy
rice paddies are so pretty....so back breaking....rice is such a prissy crop
*my crush is stranded in a rainstorm* takethisumbrellait'syoursnowBYE *runs away in panic im so good at flirting*
Giant Chinchilla Learns To Hold Umbrella, Is Fucking Delighted By Experience
take this, it will help you on your quest! *hands u trail mix wrapped in a leaf*
LO-FI HIP HOP STUDY LIST!
crouching down to peer at dirt--A++ top notch foundational childhood experience
mom has a big ass forehead
honey! the chinchillas are performing Rituals in the backyard again
help yeah let's jack and the bean stalk this shit
huh so we're all just climbing aboard the giant chinchilla's tiddies now ok
class trip!
the pure adrenaline of Vegetable Gardening
no! the small child is crying! she is bawling her eyes out. no no no. i can't cope with this. emotionally i cannot cope 🥺🥺🥺
i've only had Mei one hour but if anything happens to her i will raze this earth and everyone on it
please someone make this small child smile again
oh no the tall child is crying too
i can't take this. my heart can't take this.
i need a drink
small child running determined to deliver magic veggies to the hospital. this kid is my hero
she is also unsupervised. so, so unsupervised
babe you are FOUR
godDAMMIT ghibli, you cannot give me watercolor sunsets while a small child is missing. u are killing me. my heart is giving out. this is me, experiencing heart failure.
Totoro to the rescue!
no wait CATBUS to the rescue!
i admit i initially thought the cat was a creep. alice in wonderland prejudiced me. i have revised my notions of smiling cats
i've decided the cat is a metaphor for the magic of a robust public transport system
MEI'S OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and so is mom. she's a lovely lady im sorry for what i said about her forehead. it's a noble forehead.
happy ending YES bitch!!!!!!
ok. ok ok ok. that was magical.
(as a first-time adult viewer i was worried i wouldn't be able to Access the Magic. but i could and i did and it was incredible. that was culture. that was ART. joy distilled into animated form. holy rites of childhood. i understand now. how glorious, this world we grow out of. how full of marvels. i'm going outside to smell grass and sun and get dirt under my fingernails. miraculous.)
#mr ghibli please you cannot do this to my heart#totoro#my neighbor totoro#spoilers#?#initially i misspelled Totoro as Tortoro throughout the entire post#i fixed it but dear heavens i was tempted to leave it in. you're WELCOME
10K notes
·
View notes
Text
Every single time I see a take that amounts to "if you write about X happening, or like fiction where X happens, you like X" I'm reminded of this one time I was at a casual friends house as a young kid. We were in her room, pretending to "be orphans" escaping from an evil orphanage and having to take care of each other and fend for ourselves. It was all very Little Orphan Annie/All Dogs Go to Heaven and based on the 80s pop media.
And this girl's mom comes in, hears what we're playing and gets all MAD and UPSET. She says that if we play act something, it's because we want it to happen. So her daughter must WANT HER TO DIE.
First off lady, we were 6 year year olds, so take it down several notches. We barely had a concept of mortality for fucks sake. She made us feel so guilty and ashamed, because she was taking our game personally.
Now I have a 5 year old. And sometimes she looks at me and says "pretend you're dead, and I have to -" Whatever it is. Some adult task she's assigned herself.
And it's just so transparently obvious that she's practicing the idea of having to do things on her own. Which is exactly what 5 year olds are supposed to do. I actually find it very flattering that the only way she can envision me not being available to help her is to be literally deceased. Otherwise, obviously, she wouldn't have to do scary hard things alone.
It's a natural coping mechanism. She's self-soothing about what would happen if I wasn't there by play-acting independence in a perfectly safe environment. She's also practicing skills she needs, and making up excuses for practicing them on her own, without taking on the responsibility of being able to do them by herself all the time yet.
Humans mentally rehearse bad this in their brains all the time. We can do that by ruminating- going over worries over and over again, which tends to lead to anxiety and helplessness and depression. Or we can do it with a sense of play- by recognizing that the fiction is fiction and we can dip our toe into these experiences and expose ourselves to bad things without actually being injured.
My daughter does not want me dead. And I don't want bad things to happen in real life. But fiction and pretend help me face the horrors of the world and think about them without collapsing or messing myself up mentally.
51K notes
·
View notes
Text
toes are cold for the first time since i moved to texas. horrifying
#no we're totally okay lol#no power issues as of yet#just very novel to be wearing tops and bottoms and socks in me own home#usually have to forgo 2/3 of those to fucking COPE#im about to go to sleep soon & my warm ass blanket is going to hit#anyway hope everyone is doing ok with the freeze#mana mumbles#haven't had to use the heat just yet but will probably turn it on real low today as it doesn't get above freezing#and my house will probably eventually lose some of the heat it holds on to
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
lavlavbrown
Lavender
eimehh
02/17/99
gelstertherealgel
The Real Gel
replay-megiblog
megi
manga-miscellany
A Touch of Feels