#BUT i still don't think it's fair to act like shes been completely stripped and reduced to a damsel because.. she hasn't.
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any thoughts on how once again zelda was robbed of her agency because her "father figure" didn't listen to her? even if rauru was kinder to her than her father. and that she had sonia who was patient and loving for a little while before she died (just like her mother). i know rauru apologizes for his hubris but still, i wish we saw zelda be upset about it. and even if zelda was such a big part of the quest she still literally sacrificed her humanity once again because of someone else's mistake- because rauru literally didn't listen to the girl from the future that warned you that shit was going to go down. o know nintendo just loves putting zelda inside crystals and stones but i wish we got something better. even if it was her decision to become a dragon... did she have any other choice? it really just feels like they robbed her of agency again just like botw and the games before
i've been trying to figure out how to answer this one. because there are two ways i could analyze this plot point, either from a writer's perspective or an in-story perspective, but neither of those lead to me fully agreeing with your interpretation? I think there's definitely something to be said about zelda consistently being pushed aside in these games, but. well. ok let's get into it ig
from a writer's perspective, I do honestly have quite a bit of sympathy for the zelda devs as they attempt to navigate the modern political landscape with these games. The cyclical lore, though canonized relatively recently, holds them to a standard of consistency in their games in terms of certain key elements. one of those key elements is that there has to be a princess, and that princess must somehow be the main macguffin of the game. The player must chase her, and the end goal of the game must be to reunite the player and the princess. In 1986 this was an incredibly easy sell. women didn't need to be characters. players were content with saving a 2-dimensional princess whose only purpose was to tell them "good job!" at the end. but as society advances, that princess becomes a much more difficult character to write while adhering to the established overarching canon. (as a side note: i don't necessarily believe that the writers SHOULD be held to the standards of that canon. I think deviating from it in certain areas would be a good change of pace. but i also recognize that deviations from the formula are widely hated by the loz playerbase and that they're trying to make money off these games, so we're working under the established rule that the formula must be at least loosely adhered to.) Modern fans want a princess who is a person, who has agency and makes decisions and struggles in the same way the hero does. but modern fans ALSO want a game that follows the established rules of the canon. so we need a princess who is a real character but who can ALSO serve as a macguffin within the narrative, something that is inherently somewhat objectifying.
the two games that i think do the best job writing a princess with agency are skyward sword and botw (based on your ask, our opinions differ there lol. hear me out) in both games, we have a framing event which seperates zelda and link, but in both games, that separation was ZELDA'S CHOICE. skyward sword zelda runs away from link out of fear of hurting him. botw zelda chooses to return to the castle alone to allow link the time he needs to heal. sksw kinda fumbled later on by having ghirahim kidnap her anyway, but. i said BEST not PERFECT. botw zelda I think is the better example because, with the context of the memories, she's arguably MORE of a character than link is. we see her struggles, her breakdowns, her imperfection, specifically we see her struggle with her lack of agency within the context of the game itself. when she steps in front of link in the final memory, and when she chooses to return to the castle, those are some of the first choices we see her make almost completely free of outside influence; a RECLAMATION of her agency (within the narrative) after years of having it stripped from her. from an objective viewer's standpoint, this writing decision still means she is absent from 90% of the game and that she has little control over her actions for the duration of the player's journey. however I think this is just about the best they could have done to create a princess with agency and a real character arc while still keeping the macguffin formula intact--you're not really SAVING zelda in botw. SHE is the one that is saving YOU; when you wake up on the plateau with no memories, too weak to fight bokoblins, let alone calamity ganon. the reason you are allowed to train and heal in early-game botw is because SHE is in the castle holding ganon back, protecting YOU. When you enter the final fight, you're not rescuing zelda, you're relieving her of her duty. taking over the work she's been doing for the past hundred years. in the final hour, you both work in tandem to defeat ganon. while this isn't a PERFECT example of a female character with agency and narrative weight, i think it's a pretty good one, especially in the context of save-the-princess games like loz.
as for totk, you put a lot of emphasis on rauru not believing zelda and taking action immediately, which, again, from an objective standpoint, i understand. but even when we're writing characters with social implications in mind, those character's actions still need to... make sense. Rauru was a king ruling over what he believed to be a perfectly peaceful kingdom. zelda literally fell out of the sky, landed in front of him, claimed to be his long-lost granddaughter, and then told him that some random ruler of a fringe faction in the desert was going to murder him and he had to get the jump on it by killing him first. the ruler which this girl is trying to convince rauru to wage an unprompted war on has the power to disguise himself as other people. no one in their right mind would immediately take the girl at her word. war is not something any leader should jump into without proper research and consideration, and to rauru's credit, he DIDN'T ever outright dismiss zelda. he believed her when she said she was from the future, he allowed her to work with him and he took her warnings as seriously as he could without any further proof. but he could not wage an unprompted war on ganondorf. that's just genuinely not practical, especially for a king who values peace among his people as much as rauru seems to. as soon as ganondorf DID attack, giving rauru confirmation that zelda's accounts of the future were real, he began making preparations to confront him. remember that zelda didn't KNOW that rauru and sonia were going to be casualties of the war--she didn't make the connection between rauru's arm in the future and rauru the king until AFTER sonia's death, when rauru made the decision to attack ganondorf directly. I think the imprisoning war and the casualties of it were less an issue of zelda being denied agency and more an issue of no one, including zelda, having full context for the events as they were unfolding. if zelda had KNOWN that sonia and rauru were going to die from the beginning and was still unable to prevent it that would be a different issue, but she didn't. none of them did.
I think another thing worth pointing out with rauru and his death irt zelda is that rauru is clearly written specifically as a foil to rhoam. this is evident in how he treats both zelda and link, with a constant kindness and understanding which is clearly opposite to rhoam's dismissiveness and disappointment. consider rhoam's death and the circumstances surrounding it. He died because, in zelda's eyes, she was unable to do her duty; the one thing he constantly berated her for. Rhoam's death solidified zelda's belief that she was a failure, a belief which she KNEW rhoam held as well. his death was doubly traumatic to her because she knew he died believing it was her fault. Now contrast that to the circumstances surrounding rauru's death. Rauru CHOSE to die despite zelda's warnings, because he wanted zelda and his kingdom to live. rauru's death was not agency-stripping for zelda; in fact, it functioned almost as an admission that he believed her capable of continuing to live in his place. With him gone, the fate of the kingdom fell to her and the sages. he KNEW that he would die and still went into that battle confidently, trusting zelda to make the right decisions once he was gone. where rhoam believed zelda incapable of doing ANYTHING without link, rauru trusted zelda COMPLETELY with the fate of his kingdom. several details in totk confirm that when rauru died there was no plan for zelda to draconify, that all happened after rauru was gone. it was HER plan, the plan which rauru trusted her to come up with once he was gone. and I think it's also worth noting that zelda's sacrifice with the draconification parallels rauru's!! Rauru gives up his life trusting the sages and his people to be able to continue his work in his place. Zelda gives up her physical form trusting link and the sages in the future to be able to figure out what to do and find her. these games in general have this recurring theme but totk specifically is all about love and trust and reliance on others. zelda relies on link, link relies on zelda, they both rely on the champions and the sages and rauru and sonia and they all rely each other. reliance on others isn't lack of agency, it's a constant choice they make, and that choice is the thing which allows them to triumph.
The draconification itself is something i view similarly to zelda's sacrifice in botw--a choice she makes which, symbolically & within the confines of the narrative, is a demonstration of her reclaimed agency and places her at the center of the narrative, but which ALSO removes her from much of the player's experience and robs her of any overt presence or decisionmaking within the gameplay. again, I think this is a solution to the macguffin-with-agency dilemma, and it's probably one of the better solutions they could have come up with. Would I have liked to see a game where zelda is more present within the actual gameplay? yes, but I also understand that at this point the writers aren't quite willing to deviate that much from their formula. the alternative within the confines of this story would be to let zelda DIE in the past, removing her from gameplay ENTIRELY, which is an infinitely worse option in my opinion. draconification allowed her to be present, centered the narrative around her, and allowed the writers to reiterate the game's theme of trust and teamwork when she assists the player in the final battle, which i think was a REALLY great choice, narratively speaking.
In any case, I don't think it's right to say that zelda was completely robbed of her agency in botw and totk. Agency doesn't always mean that she's unburdened and constantly present, it means she's given the freedom to make her own choices and that her choices are realistically written with HER in mind, not just the male characters around her, and I think botw/totk do a pretty good job of writing her and her choices realistically and with nuance.
#as a note i do think that loz still has a LONG way to go in terms of defining female characters by their relationships with men#and i acknowledge that a lot of zelda's choices within these games are STILL made irt male characters like her father link rauru etc#BUT i still don't think it's fair to act like shes been completely stripped and reduced to a damsel because.. she hasn't.#she's a very nuanced depiction of a girl who is used to being dismissed and ignored and powerless#her initial response to that powerlessness in botw was to reject everyone. she got loud and mean and she tried to do everything alone#and she discovered that that wasn't the right way to get what she wanted. it didnt make her happy and it didn't win her anyones approval#what DID work for her was learning to rely on the people around her and work with them. she found solace in teamwork and family#which is why in the final battle she and link fight TOGETHER against ganon. neither of them can do it alone but they can together#the same thing applies to totk. she continues her own journey by finding others like her who understand her powers and can teach her#so by the time she DOES end up alone she has been given the confidence and skillset to figure out what she has to do#you get it. you understand what im saying#asks#totk spoilers#zelda analysis
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Hi! I'm sorry to bother you with this. Anyway, my brother is extremely smart and has always studied/known a lot about politics and history. I have/do not. As for the Palestinian and Isreal conflict while I don't know his views completely (as he discussed this with our mom), he's kinda "they're both terrible." And said: "Israelites have also stated that they wish to eradicate the Palestinians." 1/4
"Isreal has not always been their land. When Christians travel to Isreal they're spit on, and that Isrealites all have a pretty high opinion of themselves. They're belive themselves as God's chosen people." This is basically from what my mom told me through him. And I don't know. I tried telling her some of the things I've seen, but politics wear her out so I just mostly get "mmm." 2/4
But now because she listened to my brother, and he does have extensive knowledge she's, like, trying to prove me wrong or something? and saying "listening to brother is super interesting." She sent me a Vox youtube link from 7 years ago about their conflict, and I told her I will not watch Vox. I guess my whole point is, I'm really bad at just reading headlines... 3/4
And I don't even know where to begin for research or which articles are the most credible and least biased (something truly rare). So any help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for bothering you with what is essentially family drama (I'm just basically ranting, too) and for the very long asks. Thank you for reading these! 4/4
Ah, I lied! 5/4. I forgot this part, sorry. He also apparently stated that the Gaza Strip is like a concrentaion camp basically?
Hello! You're not bothering me at all. I don't mind rants or long asks and this conflict between Israel and Palestine has been going on for centuries and there's a lot of details so it's hard to get all the information regarding the entire history, especially in a couple of days. And also finding reliable sources is very challenging as well because everyone has picked a side and has a bias, but sources with a bias can still be credible and helpful. You just have to pay attention to whether or not they are up front about their bias and account for it in their reporting and even though they have a bias consider if they are giving a fair picture of both sides. And Vox definitely does not do that, so kudos for refusing to watch them!
Though I know a little bit about it I'm certainly not an expert in this conflict so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.
In wars people often want to act like both sides are equally at fault but that's not always the case. Sometimes the lines are blurry and sometimes they're not. Like in WWII it was pretty clear Germany was the main culprit and the allies were fighting to stop the atrocities and end Hitler's regime. In this case, though over the years both Israel and Palestine carry blame, I think it's pretty clear there's one side that's the main problem and the main aggressor and it's pretty obviously Palestine.
This whole conflict is over a piece of land both the Israelites and the Arabs say they have a right to and Israel is literally surrounded on all sides by Arab countries that are hell bent on wiping them off the face of the planet. Palestine isn't even really a country, and that's something even the PLO wants known. They are a group of Arabs from the surrounding Arab countries like Syria and Jordan that came together specifically to fight Israel. It's not like they are just a group of people innocently trying to exist as a country. The sole reason they exist is to destroy Israel.
And I'm sure your brother is smart so no disrespect to him but there's not really hostility towards Christians or even really Muslims in Israel. There is a significant Muslim and Christian population in Israel and when you compare that with the religious diversity of the surrounding Arab countries, including Palestine, it's easy to see which countries are more accepting of diverse faiths. Palestine is over 95% Muslim and they do their best to kick out Jews from the area because they don't want them there.
And yes over the years Israel definitely has done things wrongs and been part of the problem but frankly this conflict could have been over years ago if the Arabs would agree to compromise with Israel. Israel, several times, has offered to compromise with Palestine and give them even most of the target land so they can both live as their own countries, even if they don't like each other. But Palestine refuses to accept any deal that allows Israel to exist. They want full religious control of the entire region and want Israel off the face of the planet.
But regardless of where anyone stands on this issue and who they feel is more justified overall in this conflict, what is going on right now in regards to how Hamas has attacked Israel is not justified and not ok and can't be brushed off by saying "both sides are bad." Even if that's what you think, people should be able to outright condemn the rape and murder of children, even if they are living on the side they don't agree with. Because that's what Hamas is doing. They aren't there to take down the IDF or liberate their people. They are targeting civilians. They are there specifically to brutalize innocent people and destroy their homes. Killing pets for no reason, beheading babies, slaughtering innocent people in the streets, raping women, children and the elderly and taking hostages. I don't care what side a person hates more or if you think they are equally bad what Hamas is doing right now is evil and they are the only side doing it.
I noticed you also mentioned your brother stated that Israel wants to eradicate Palestinians and if that's true they are incredibly bad at it. Why, if they want to eradicate Palestinians, do they do everything in their power to warn civilians before they will be sending missiles and giving them several chances to evacuate the area? If they want to eradicate them that seems counter-productive.
The IDF takes more care than any other military in the world really, to avoid civilian casualties. They send out texts, calls, and leaflets days before any attack telling the civilians where they will be targeting and urging them to get out of the area because they are just trying to destroy Hamas and they don't want to hurt civilians. Meanwhile, Hamas tells the Palestinians not to leave and to stay where they are because they are literally using their own people as human shields. They fire their missiles from civilian structures like hospitals and schools so that when Israel fires back they will kill civilians and Hamas can go "look how evil Israel is killing children" when those children are only dead because Hamas used them as human shields to protect their missiles. And Hamas is constantly firing missiles at Israel. If it weren’t for the Iron Dome there would thousands more Israelis dead.
It's not the same.
And I don't know whether I would call the Gaza Strip a concentration camp but Israel completely vacated the Gaza Strip back in 2005 I believe and Hamas has been in complete control of it for almost 20 years so everything happening in Gaza right now is entirely the fault of Hamas.
Sorry this was so long but I hoped it helped you out at least a little. If you want further information, I don't think you'll find anything without a bias, but what I would try to do is look at it from both sides and use sources that have a bias both ways. Maybe watch the Vox video but also watch the video Prager U did on the conflict or watch Ben Shapiro's break down of it. Those can all give a pretty good overview of what the conflict is but it's when they start talking about who is right and who is wrong that you have to be careful.
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Kurt Kunkle | Spree (2020) || Object Insertion // Phone Sex
Camboy AU/ Kurt Does OnlyFans Not Mass Murder AU; 2.6k words; NO BETA/ SELF-EDITED, Swearing, Established Female Dom(me)/ Male Sub Relationship, Mistress/Baby (Boy), Face Reveal For Views Plot, Awful Livechat Messages, Voyeurism Kink (especially strong for Kurt), Mommy kink, Degradation and Praise Kink, Male Mastubation and Edging, Anal Object Insertion (PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS IT IS DANGEROUS, ONLY USE CLEAN SEX-SAFE TOYS MADE FROM MATERIALS LIKE GLASS OR MEDICAL GRADE SILICONE, BE SAFE), Surprise Ending *wink, wink*
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Kurt is 101% sure that you planned this.
It had taken him months of begging on his knees to get you to agree to a face reveal and finally let him introduce you to his subscribers, only for you to change your mind the day before– and after he tweeted the announcement, no less.
You claimed (with an impish grin) that the privilege had been revoked due to the Excited Puppy incident.
It wasn't fair! How was he supposed to just sit still and wait for your permission to come? Your pussy was too warm, too wet around his cock to not grind into. You have 10 times the subscribers he has even as his channel steadily grows and during your stream (where his face is hidden just off camera), there were so many people watching and commenting about how lucky he was to be with you. It just went to his head!
And before he knew it, he was bucking and growling and spent, much to your amusement.
And now he was going to do a late night, private stream without his linch pin. Total clickbait. The chat was going to be vicious tonight.
'Don't worry baby, I won't leave you hanging ;),' you texted him back.
After the initial stream greeting, Kurt acts a little extra goofy to mask his disappointment. Presenting the lube he's using like it's a new lipstick line in a makeup tutorial, turning on a self-made trap mix and dancing as he strips out of his clothes, continuing to dance fully naked and asking the chat how many times they think he's going to come tonight. Chat is busy with other things though…
Username29394954o: Do you think he hired an actual pornstar for this stunt?
Dickandballs69: I was promised TITS WHERE ARE MY TITTIES KURT
CummunistKumikaze: WHERE'S YOUR "GIRLFRIEND" KURT?! Fucking beta male!
Kurt sat heavily in his gaming chair and sighed, leaning forward on his knees like a gym teacher about to deliver some bad news. "Hey guys, glad you could be here tonight. Now, I know that I promised you'd finally get to see my girlfriend tonight, but uhm… something came up."
His cheeks flamed red when your alternate domme handle and donation appeared. The text to speech read aloud:
TheDirtyKirtie : Tell them what you did, you bad boy.
Kurt swallowed hard and ignored the rush of comments calling him slurs and fake and loser. "I, uh, I was bad. I came without your permission– her permission! I didn't think she would… well I was hoping she would let it slide this time…"
Another message and donation popped to make the text speech activate:
TheDirtyKirtie : You can earn it back, if you can be a good boy and do exactly what I tell you.
At that, Kurt straightened up immediately. Did you mean it? Were you giving him a second chance?!
It's not like he was bad at subbing, he loved it when you were in control (you would say he was born to it). But… he did have a habit of misbehaving on purpose to get you to punish him– both on and off camera. Usually they came with a few warnings, tugging on his hair or making him pause until he was shaking with the effort (once you told him he couldn't continue until he went completely soft first and that just didn't happen).
TheDirtyKirtie : Are you up for it, sweet thing?
Kurt nodded vigorously. He had to– for his stream. He bit his lip and waited for your first instruction. Chat was going wild, as per usual.
TheDirtyKirtie : Let me see those hands, baby. Are you lubed up?
Kurt shook his head. "No, mistress."
TheDirtyKirtie : Good. Start slow for me, just your fingers on your shaft like always.
Kurt hates this command. You do it on purpose to test his will power, and this one always leaves him frustrated and understimulated. He knows what you want to see and carefully avoids spreading around the stream of precum that has already begun to ooze out of his tip. He's so focused on doing it right that he doesn't see the chat.
Mitochond-Rhianna: We can't see
WaxBabe420: Kurt, pull the camera down
COCKGobbleGobbleGobbler: DUDE WE CAN'T SEE YOUR DICK. MISTRESS, PUNISH HIIIIMMMM
Some of his new subscribers have clearly crossed over from your channel. They sometimes have flowery or feminine usernames but are always a little kinder with their words– and are hoping to see more content of you.
There is, naturally, a rumor about you two.
Fueled by a collective confusion as to why such a popular personality as you regularly started recommending his cringy sfw channel @ kurtsworld96, and by extension his better received nsfw channel @ squirtsworld69, about a year ago. There was recorded footage of you two together during a few collaborations, but publically, you both denied being anything more than friends.
The dots were easy to connect, but people weren’t quite ready to connect them (yet). How could two seemingly very different content creators have private nsfw channels with the same gimmick– opposite domme/sub kink and unknown partners(?). You and Kurt teased and teased and teased, but you were very careful not to give away the game too easily. Precise camera angle work or costumes kept your sub a mystery. Meanwhile on Kurt’s streams, you kept yourself just behind the lens of his camera (and once or twice gloved for a POV stream).
And still you dangled the mystery above viewers' heads. Could an incel like Kurt really pull a baddie like you?! Even your mutual friend Bobby didn’t believe it and he was literally in on it and giving you two advice! Two nights after the aforementioned Excited Puppy incident, Bobby had dropped a video link in your influencer group chat titled "DommeMommy is dating Kurtworld96 AND I HAVE PROOF!" plus a laughing face emoji and a contemplation emoji.
The two of you had watched it together and it included a side-by-side play of an older clip of Kurt masturbating (in accordance with your instructions from the chat) and one from your last stream– the sounds he makes when he comes almost identical in their tenor and whine. The comments on the video were 90% insults tearing the uploader apart and they got ratioed into the ground. Funny that, since they were actually correct. But nobody would believe a girl like you would fuck a 'loser' like Kurt (an opinion which you often have to console Kurt's pride about).
TheDirtyKirtie : You're doing so well, baby. Let me see what you've done <3
Kurt takes a breath and stops the torturous and weak movement of his hand to finally realize nobody could see him. He stands up to show the stream his cock, standing proud and hard and flushing bright red.
TheonGreyjoyFucks: Fuck, that's so hot
12TittiesTrollin: DUDE IS LITERALLY LEAKING HOLY FUCK
BullyMaguire02: GOTDAMN he needs to get laid fr nobody who gets pussy gets hard doing THAT
Everything rolls off his back when you reply: oh my sweet baby, you look so beautiful like that. It makes him blush harder and whimper pathetically. He just knows you are probably clenching your thighs right now, wherever you are.
It's unusual for Kurt to go so long without talking– though he doesn't realize he was indeed making noises. As he adjusts his camera for a better angle, he talks to the chat and waits for your next command.
"She's real, guys, really real, I promise. Super hot too, and you would know that if she was here."
n00bsluvb00bs: Boooo your so fckn FAKE BRO
xXcodforlifeXx: I WOULD SAY ITS PROBS JUST HIS FRIEND BUT HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE FRIENDS FOR THAT Lolololol
Kurt just knows you are seething with rage about the asshole comments. You had talked to him about getting mods but Kurt brushed it off– he couldn't afford to guard his chat like you could. He needed them (at least he thought he needed them). Mean comments and hate watching was still viewer engagement which he could never seem to get enough of…
"What now, mistress?," Kurt pursed his lips and hoped you wouldn't make him wait.
TheDirtyKirtie : Do you have something *fun* you can sit on? ;)
“Uhh…”
On camera, Kurt whips his head around left and right. He can’t remember if you left anything the last time you came over but he doubts he would find it anyways. You were always bugging him about being safe with shoving things inside him that weren’t made specifically for that purpose…
Kurt disappears from his desk and reenters frame with record speed. “Will this work, mistress?”
Kurt waves a hairbrush that you forgot to take home with you. He flips it in his hand to show off the rounded, smooth handle and hopes you will say yes. Chat zooms by and the only thing he reads are a few viewers telling him to use the fat end (literally no way).
TheDirtyKirtie : You know what that’s fine. Use a condom baby, and pick up the phone. I’m going to call you in a second ;)
Kurt’s head snaps up as soon as he hears the last part (and he snaps the condom while he is distracted, immediately going for another from his desk drawer). He smiles brightly. Hearing your voice was better than nothing at all. He finishes sheathing the brush handle just as his gummy bear ringtone goes off.
He almost drops everything as he rushes to answer it and puts you on speaker phone. “Hi, mommy!”
Your mirthful voice makes him loopy and lovestruck all at once. “Hi, baby. Are you having fun yet?”
Kurt nods his head though he’s not sure if you’re able to see the live feed right now. “Y-yes mistress. I-I really wish you were here with me, though… are you… are you driving?”
Was he crazy, or did he hear a car honking? Chat seemed to confirm his suspicions as well.
“I’m riding bitch in a Spree actually,” you answered. “The driver’s deaf… I think.”
WaxBabe420: AM I CRAZY OR DOES SHE SOUND LIKE DommeMommy ??
12TittiesTrollin: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID ***** THERS NO FING WAY
Mitochond-Rhianna: YES IT IS YES IT IS FUCK YOU @12TittiesTrollin IT’S TOTALLY HER @WaxBabe420
COCKGobbleGobbleGobbler: @TheDirtyKirtie are you or arent you my @DommeMommy PLS I NEED TO KNOW <3 <3
N00bsluvb00bs: show us your boooobs whor
CummunistKumikaze: pics or it didnt happen lolol
Kurt’s attention snapped back to the sound of your voice. “I think you know what you’re supposed to do with that, don’t you, baby boy?”
Kurt licks his dry lips and settles the phone on the desk (your contact is too blurry to read from the resolution of the video and chat is furious about it). Propping his feet up on the desk, he adjusts his chair and spreads his legs, face turning red as he realizes just how exposed he is to (checking the current viewer count and…) 52,497 pairs of eyes, all waiting for him to obey your gentle commands. He presses the end of the handle to his fluttering hole and pushes in.
“Mmm–” Kurt hums loudly and gasps, his knuckles turned white as he penetrates himself and takes the whole brush handle in one smooth motion. He hoped you knew that the reason he took it all so easy was a result of the pegging you gave him the night before– just the two of you, no streamers watching. “Fuck me… mommy…”
Kurt whines so readily for you, and in return he can hear your breathless praise. “Very, very good baby. Fuck, that’s so hot.”
Nothing else in the world mattered except your words. Everything else fell away as Kurt started thrusting the handle inside himself. This was for you– just you. His cock bobs and twitches between his spread legs and begs for your attention. Eyes drifting closed, Kurt hears the sound of donations, text-to-speech messages, and your polluted car audio as he fucks himself.
xXcodforlifeXx: $1.00 ***
BullyMaguire02: $15.00 shouldve fckin listened to her youd be deep in youre FAKE GIRLFRIENDS cunt rn
Mitochond-Rhianna: $75.00 GOD I LUV THE WAY HE CALLS HER MOMMY, SO CUTE
TheonFreyjoyFucks: $5.00 thats fuckin NOTHING kurt USE YOUR FIST AND FUCK YOURSELF ALREADY
“Are you getting close, baby?” Kurt heard you get out of the car and imagined you adjusting your shirt collar. He nods – too heady to respond verbally– but you must be watching the stream because you instantly reply. “Don’t come yet, baby, just a little longer.”
Kurt instantly whines and slows down. Please don’t make me finish hands free, please please please. Tears gather in the corner of his eyes and start to spill as he hears you panting. Were you touching yourself or running?
Suddenly someone is knocking VERY LOUDLY on his bedroom door. Kurt screams and nearly falls out of his chair. His parents weren’t supposed to be home?! Bobby was already blocked from watching but he did know when the stream aired… did Kurt get doxxed?! The knock came again and that’s when Kurt noticed the echo from his phone…
“Open the door, Kurt!”
Were you… were you…
…
You ended the phone call and exited the stream from your phone, fussing with your appearance and wishing you had not been delayed so long. Maybe you shouldn’t have lied to your boyfriend about your plans, but you were hoping this would make up for it. Maybe you scared him to death– what was taking so long to answer his door?
You reach to try the handle again but the door is thrown open and you are snatched up into a bear hug. A very naked Kurt twirls around happily, making you dizzy and anxious about toppling to the floor. But then he dropped you back on your feet and dragged you into a bruising, passionate kiss. There was no mistaking the wet trails that transferred from his flushed cheeks to yours.
“You’re actually here,” he whispered as he let you breathe, only for a second before he dove in for another kiss. “Holy fucking shit, you’re actually here!”
Guilt racks your brain and you attempt to crush him in your arms. “I know baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry…”
But Kurt just shook his wild, greasy hair and held you tighter. “Nothing else fucking matters now, babe, because you are actually here!”
Kurt is pleased as punch to see you, and you pull away to look him in the eye and fight to reclaim your dominant character. “I’m happy to see you too, but I think we’ve still got a show to run, don’t we? I bet you’re ready to burst…”
You both look down between your bodies in surprise. There’s white cum all over your shirt and his bare chest, his softening cock hanging limply at the apex of his thighs. So much for your plan then.
“...uhm, ‘m sorry,” Kurt mumbles.
“It’s okay, baby,” you tucked his hair back from his face to see his pretty eyes better. “I guess you really were happy to see me!”
You pull Kurt forward by his hand and back into the stream, showing off the mess he made on you. You can see his proud, smug little face on the replay monitor and let him have it (he’s earned it now). You push him back in his chair and take your rightful place in his lap.
“Mommy’s still a little excited from watching you play, Baby.” You tug the buttons on your top and catch Kurt’s attention, feeling him press his chest to your back and biting his bottom lip as he watches. “Does chat wanna take a poll on how baby’s gonna make me come?”
Donations roll in hard and fast, the live scrolling by far too fast to read anything at all. You feel Kurt’s arms around your waist and his shy voice whispers near your ear.
“Can I eat you out, mistress?”
You look back at his pleading face over your shoulder. “I’ll put it at the top of the list!”
Previous | Masterlist | Next: Steve Harrington Orgasm Denial
This was very fun to write I was so worried I wouldnt be able to get it to work but I think it did. Kurt didn't need to kill he shouldve just done porn
#three bees writing#kinktober 2022 challenge#kurt kunkle smut#kurt kunkle x female reader#tppkinktober2022#joe keery character fiction#black reader insert
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✂
Every step is so deliberate, even if it just seems like she's so unaware of her surroundings, just happy enough to be invited to this little gathering of the finest people in the city; and with a champagne flute in her hand, she doesn't look as wrong here, but apparent enough to catch his eye, probably.
It's less the predator circling its prey, but more acting like the prey itself, the little rabbit with big eyes and so lost in the woods, waiting for the big bad wolf to just swoop in and devour it. The big bad wolf in this case was a surgeon, but she wouldn't expect the same precision when it came to this aspect of life. She studied him long enough to know, and long enough to know how to make herself into his perfect prey.
It doesn't take long for them to get completely caught in a one-sided conversation, that is mostly just him having a monologue with her nodding along.
She cocks her head slightly; chin resting on the palm of her hand, and she bites the tip of her pinkie, ruby barely exposing brilliant white teeth. She is so enraptured by his talk, listening to every word he says like it's the gospel. Oh, you are a surgeon? How fascinating! Please, do talk about how much money you have! You are so handsome, I just could get lost in your eyes!
Carefully placed keywords in every sentence, of course, after all, she needed to keep his attention for long enough, but that was the wonderful part in trapping a narcissist, since it was easy to guess their favourite topic: themselves. Ask enough questions, admire them for breathing, and it was a done deal. At the right moment, she carefully started to slur her speech, around the same time she mentioned that she wouldn't be so opposed to leave this event and continue their conversation in private.
Easy prey, after all.
Always a step behind him as he gives her the grand tour of his place, not noticing as she grabs one of the centrepieces and hits him on the back of his head, making him stumble and fall flat on his face in the middle of the dining room.
"You know, I would've been more my style to just strip you naked, take some photos of your dick and blackmail you, but..." She makes a vague gesture that ends in a shrug, "But I suppose my employers really dislike you, so I regret to inform you that you will die tonight." She crosses her arms, leaning against the dinner table while observing. Lest he'd suddenly get up and ruin the whole operation, that could be a bummer. Although, she was in the mood for something more, and if there was a shred less self-respect in her tonight, she would've waited probably... well, she'd assume ten minutes. All bark and no bite.
"To think, they wanted me to carve your heart out, and I told them that I'm not a fucking surgeon! Well, not literally, because, you know, they pay me, and they don't like backtalk, and while I love some poetry, I prefer to do this the old-fashioned way." She hikes up her dress, with a bowie knife tightly strapped to her thigh. She unsheathes and swings it with such ease, turning him on his back, straddling him. Last thing he'd see, and it would be a gorgeous woman.
Not yet.
He grabs her — there is still some life left in him, and beyond the curse, there was almost a smirk in the corners of her mouth, even as he almost manages to wrestle the knife from her hand. But he is concussed, fading in and out, with the last shred of adrenaline fighting for his life, and he would've easily overwhelmed her if this had been a fair fight. A sharp kick to the groin takes him out, and she rams the knife into his neck, tearing the carotids apart. It's the shock in his face that makes it so delightful; knowing that his life was rapidly running out, with every pump of his heart. She stabs again, this time, digging it deeper, ramming it into the windpipe. He's rattling. And he's ruined her dress and make-up.
He slumps down, and it takes an effort to push his heavy corpse off.
Standing up, she wipes the blood from her face with the back of her hand.
"Asshole."
source: KILL MY MUSE (always accepting) | @cardiomyapathy
#cardiomyapathy#{ silence was unbroken // answered. }#blood //#murder //#gore //#hello and welcome to your murder!#long post
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The Big Cope: Or, the Tales We Tell Ourselves
Been thinking a lot about what's motivating one Robert Swayze Keene to join the Cobra Kai dojo, train under Sensei John Kreese and win the 51st Annual All Valley Under-18 Karate Tournament, and I have come to the conclusion that it wasn't about "becoming a champion" with a reputation that follows him around for the rest of his life, or conquering that pesky inner fear, or controlling his anger. It wasn't about pissing off his ex-gf by doing the exact opposite of what she said was the thing she wanted most in the world, or revenging himself upon his former mentor by giving away all his ancient karate secrets to the other side. Oh, he may tell himself it's all those things, but at the end of the day...
Robby just really, really wanted to kick Miguel's ass in front of his dad.
So, basically, this is S1 Robby-convoluted-revenge plot redux. Robby sure loves learning karate from his father's sworn enemies, don't he? While in S1 it was about "getting back" at Johnny in a kind of nebulous way for his shitty parenting plus the crime of hugging a boy Robby's age in a strip mall parking lot, but mostly acting out to get his dad's attention, in S4 the revenge plot has evolved to...well, it's kind of the same thing, this time with a more focused and specific thing that his father needs to be punished for.
Siding with Miguel over Robby in the fallout of the school fight.
They only have two one-on-one scenes this entire season, but this relationship is completely driving the emotional arc of both characters throughout (and Miguel ends up getting caught in the undertow, propelling his search for his own biological father.)
Robby brings this up, apropos of nothing, after Johnny points out that it's not wise for him to start shit with Hawk, given that he has already been kicked out of school and is on probation. Robby even gestures to the Diaz apartment, which is the first indication I believe we've ever gotten that Robby knows Miguel lives in the same building as his father. Clearly Miguel and the school fight and what his father thinks happens is weighing on his mind.
I guess this moment is still ringing in his ears.
(Sidenote: one of my favorite things about their dysfunctional trainwreck of a father/son relationship is how the few moments where Johnny actually grows enough of a spine to try to exert paternal authority over Robby it always backfires. Unfortunately the foundation of their relationship is so unstable that he doesn't have the baseline respect you need to be able to discipline your child or tell him hard truths. Robby either blows up or throws his mistakes back into his face, and Johnny has such low self-esteem that he retreats when Robby would actually probably really like him to push back and fight. If Daniel had said the exact same thing, the reaction would have been wildly different. In fact, Robby owned up to being the reason Miguel is in the hospital to Daniel without even being prompted! But, I digress.)
So, Robby is feeling put-upon about the school fight and the fact that Johnny missed their appointment because of something that happened with Miguel in the hospital. He has guilt, but also thinks it's unfair he's suffering the brunt of the legal consequences of his actions while Miguel only gets sympathy (of course Miguel also was in a wheelchair for months, but Robby was in jail getting beaten up for that and came out just at the moment when Miguel started walking/making moves on his girl, so that's not what he's thinking about.)
Young man, a week after you were gone he was still in a coma.
That's an understandable resentment, because teenagers can be pretty self-involved, and like his father before him, Robby scapegoats his rival and likes to blame Miguel for shit that's not his fault. It's not fair! After all, the fight happened because Miguel kissed Robby's drunk girlfriend at a party, which prompted Miguel's gf to attack Sam in retaliation, and when Robby tried to de-escalate, Miguel attacked him. But he ended up getting expelled, sent to juvenile hall, lost his girlfriend to this guy...and his dad is sympathetic to him, on top of that? Plus the dude got use of his legs back?? Not cool.
At the end of the day the kid who gets kicked off a railing and ends up in a coma gets the world's sympathy by default. Nobody is going to care that he kissed a girl at a party and "started it". The maybe-paralysis trumps all. The only people who are going to feel sorry for the kid who caused the coma are the parents of said kid, and maybe his karate instructor
He also said he was a good kid in this scene! My heart. He's a terrible dad but let no one say he does not unconditionally love this kid.
The person whose sympathy actually matters to Robby is Johnny, who he thinks blames him for all this because of that one moment where Johnny pointed out that Robby does need to take responsibility for what he did.
But the irony there is that Johnny is off having his Book of Job moment thinking this is all God punishing him for his transgressions, and he blames neither kid and thinks the whole thing is his fault. Which like............it isn't. Not everything bad that happens to your loved ones is on you 100%, buddy.
Okay this is turning into a screenshot treatise, fast-forward through the end of S3 and Robby's Dark Luke Skywalker arc, there's two moments I want to focus on as relates to Robby shutting out Johnny in S4.
This is the narrative he's using to justify his actions. That his father's interest in him is entirely about Johnny "making himself feel better" and not, you know...that he loves Robby.
Even though he's always wanted a relationship with his dad, Robby is so angry at Johnny that he doesn't want to give his father the emotional satisfaction that reconnecting would bring. Which, oh, sweetie. That's punishing yourself as much as it is your dad.
This is an amazing, tragic cope.
That second screencap is such a telling line...holy projection, Batman! That's what he believes Johnny's overtures to him are, so surely they must be the same thing for Miguel.
(The big irony of that statement is that it's a lot more arguable Johnny is using Miguel to make himself feel better than he is Robby. Miguel and he have a warm and close bond and rapport. Robby is a lot of things to Johnny, but a source of warm fuzzies he is not. The best feeling that Johnny has gotten from being around his son is tentative mutual awkwardness as they discuss trapper-keepers in a pimped-out snake car. Of course, in the long run having a relationship with Robby will make Johnny feel a lot better, which Robby doesn't want because his dad doesn't deserve to feel good about anything, but in the short term the relationship just fills him with immense guilt and involves Robby using him as a verbal punching bag. Or sometimes a literal punching bag!)
So yeah, in short, all of Robby's anger is directed towards dad and Miguel, and if he wins the tournament he shuts down dad's dojo so he can't teach Miguel anymore babe don't worry you already drove a wedge without even trying, plus he gets to show his father right in front of him that he's better than the karate stepson replacement. Presumably Robby thought he'd be facing Miguel at some point in the tournament, but then Miguel had to ruin his revenge scheme by dipping out and making the whole thing fall flat with way lower emotional stakes Eli final.
But wait! Half the revenge scheme did end up coming true, because CK did win, so that means Eagle Fang will be shutting down and Miguel and Johnny's lovefest is shattered forever! And how does Robby feel about his dreams half coming true?
He doesn't seem to be enjoying his dad looking sadly at him across the gym......perhaps....this plan did not play out the way he thought it would. Well, Robert, you got your wish. Your dad does not feel better about himself. And hey, Miguel has mysteriously vanished so you don't even have that gf/dad/sensei stealer around to ruin the moment.
Oh...wait.......you're not enjoying that very much? Sometimes the thing you thought you wanted......actually sucks? You could use a sympathetic ear from the one person in the world who you think understands what you're going through.....?
It's going to be alright.
#johnny lawrence#robby keene#cobra kai#cobra kai meta#this turned into a dissertation#with visual aids
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Fandom: Inuyasha
Genre: Romance/Humor/Fluff
Pairing: InuKag
Rating: T
Originally written for @inukag-week on tumblr circa 2016, now officially being updated. Its been a hot minute, hasn't it?
For InuKag Week - Day 2: Warmth
Part 1 l
Part 2
Word Count: 2,600
Can also be found on FFN and AO3.
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Kagome couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so hard.
Sometime between the moment she met the arrogant, rude man known as Inuyasha and the three shots she had consumed, they had fallen into a flirtatious banter that she rather enjoyed. Gone was the pompous jerk who had so rudely called her audacious names, replaced by a man who proved to actually be decent company.
No, she hadn't forgotten about their initial meeting, but as she downed another shot of whiskey, she realized she didn't much care. For the first time in months - maybe longer - Kagome found herself enjoying her evening. With her shackles removed and her inhibitions lowered, she relished in the sweet taste of freedom that had been sorely lacking from her life.
"You did not!" she squealed with absurdity in her tone, clamping a hand over her mouth.
Inuyasha chuckled, tilting his glass and giving a half-shrug. "I did," he confessed sheepishly, but not at all ashamed of his actions. "Miroku ran down the dorm hall, completely naked, screaming after me."
Kagome shook her head. "I can honestly say I have never stolen my roommates clothes while they were in the shower. Or pulled any pranks on them, really."
"To be fair," he continued, signaling the bartender for another round. "He actually met his girlfriend that way."
"By running naked down the hallway?"
He nodded. "Knocked her down and stopped to apologize."
"Still want to leave the tab open?" Kouga interrupted.
"Yeah, that's fine." Inuyasha finished off his beer. "Another round of whiskey shots while you're at it."
Flashing Kagome a smile, Kouga took their empty glasses. "You're going to dry me out."
"It's still early," Kagome barbed playfully. "Your bar will last until midnight at the very least."
He chuckled, filling up their shot glasses and handing them another drink. "Oh, thanks. I was afraid I'd have to close up soon."
Leaving with a, "flag me down if you need me," Kouga wandered to the other end of the bar where a busty blonde waved at him.
Typical, Kagome thought sourly. On the one hand, she didn't like the way her thoughts were turning, considering she didn't really know Kouga, and hated grouping him in with the rest of the spineless male population she had become accustomed to - especially since he was a bartender and it was literally his job to tend to the needs of his customers. But on the other hand, she couldn't help but feel bitter about his attention leaving her. Maybe it was because she had so blatantly been deprived of it for so long, that her longing for companionship had been exacerbated ten-fold.
Taking a sip of beer - which she had switched to once they started doing shots - Kagome heard her phone buzz in her purse again; it had already gone off several times during her conversation with Inuyasha. She finally pulled it out and unlocked it, frowning at the array of messages popping up on her screen.
Inuyasha raised a brow at the irritable look that overcame her expression before Kagome sighed and locked her phone. She quickly downed her shot of whiskey, not even bothering to 'cheers' him.
"Everything okay?" Inuyasha questioned, against his better judgement. There was a reason people showed up by themselves at a bar on Friday nights - either to drown their sorrows in whiskey or to find company for a few fleeting, midnight hours.
Kagome pressed her lips together. She didn't come to the bar to talk about her problems. She wasn't some sad case that needed a therapist to pour her drinks. If anything, she wanted to forget about the emotional damage that had been inflicted earlier that day. Her heart had been broken, her ego bruised, and no matter how many times her friends had told her he wasn't worth it, their sympathies didn't make her feel any better.
But, alcohol had a funny habit of turning into truth serum, and she found herself spilling her guts before she could stop herself. "Just my ex-boyfriend - er, fiance - blowing up my phone."
Inuyasha chuckled. "Can't take a hint, huh?"
Kagome shrugged with a bitter smile. "I mean, he broke off the engagement. Not sure why he can't follow through with his decision."
She had expected sympathy, perhaps even empathy. That's what most people offered in a situation like this, when they didn't know what to say or how to react. But Kagome was caught off-guard by Inuyasha's next question.
"How long were you together?"
Kagome eyed him curiously, his honey gaze hiding a wealth of understanding. "Five years," she answered him, twirling a strand of her dark hair around her finger. "Planned our life together, put a ring on it, and even booked the venue. But… I suppose he got cold feet a long time ago."
"His loss. What kind of bastard would put someone through that?"
She hummed thoughtfully, but didn't answer. It wasn't in her best interest to start talking about the past now, and she would rather take the spotlight off of herself all together. "What about you?" she asked her barstool companion as she took another sip of beer. "Any lucky ladies in your life?"
Inuyasha chuckled mirthlessly. "Nah, not anymore."
Kagome arched a brow. "Dare I ask?"
"Not much to tell. Her career and ambitions drove a wedge between us, and she decided they were more important than me. Simple as that."
"Sounds high maintenance."
He grinned. "Something like that. I mean, she knew what she wanted and didn't care what stood in her way. Even me."
Kagome felt an ache beneath her breast for the man beside her. She knew the pain of rejection very well. "Put out in the rain just like a dog. Doesn't that bother you?" she asked, tilting her head.
He frowned at her choice of words, and Kagome knew she may have touched a nerve then, but the alcohol had stripped her of her filter apparently.
"Well, I guess we're all damaged somehow," he replied with a shrug.
She scrunched her nose. "That's a bit thoughtless."
"What can I say? Shit happens. Get over it."
And then Kagome suddenly remembered the arrogant, rude, condescending jerk she had met when she had sat down at the bar earlier in the night. She narrowed her eyes. "Why are you such an ass?"
Inuyasha smirked while bringing his beer to his lips. "You are what you eat?"
Kagome let loose a growl of frustration. She had only known him for a short time, but she had quickly learned that Inuyasha was the most infuriating human being on the planet! "Your immaturity is revolting," she stated matter-of-factly, waving down Kouga for another shot of whiskey. She was definitely not drunk enough to deal with the way the conversation had turned.
"I'm not known for my friendly disposition."
Kagome glared at the man sitting next to her. "Is it fun being a jerk to me? Does it satisfy you?"
Inuyasha chuckled. "Actually, it is pretty entertaining."
She rolled her eyes. "You know, Inuyasha. You can hide behind that fake bravado all you want, but I know you're just a big softie underneath."
"Keh," he grumbled, finishing off his beer.
Kagome threw him a glare. "What? No witty repartee?"
He set down his empty glass with a little more force than usual, grabbing Kagome's attention. "I know your type, wench," he snapped, his amber eyes boring into hers. "I know exactly the kind of person you are; all high and mighty, acting as if you're better than everyone else. You think you can show someone how great life can be and how fantastic it is if I would just try. Well, sorry to break it to you, sweetheart, but not everyone is worth saving, all right?"
His words left Kagome stunned into silence for a brief moment. How did their witty banter only a few minutes ago turn into this? This… This denied anger and unadulterated cynicism had Kagome reeling, her thoughts turning to what exactly had penetrated Inuyasha's life so completely that he had such a negative outlook on such.
She pursed her lips. "How much do you think you're worth?"
Inuyasha shrugged. "Like twenty bucks. Or two twinkies." He grinned at his own comment, but Kagome didn't find it very funny.
If anything, Kagome felt pity for him. No matter how bleak her life became, she always managed to find the good in it. If a person couldn't do that… Well, that was a pretty sad way to live. "As much as I would love to hear you divulge all of your secrets, this is a great song and I feel like dancing."
"Look, wench," Inuyasha barked out, his anger palpable. "I'm not looking for your validation. I'm pretty fucking happy with my life of dirty pennies and whiskey bottles. We don't all need to be Barbie."
She looked over at him, the low dim of the bar lights shining off his silver hair, and found she could only nurse one wounded heart at a time. "I just wanted you to leave tonight and think the world is a little less horrible than you thought."
"Hey, pretty lady," Kouga greeted as he appeared at the perfect time with another shot of whiskey for her and a full beer, stealing her full attention away from Inuyasha.
Kagome immediately downed the shot and chased it with her beer, ready to forget half of the night and lose herself in the music pounding through the speakers. As the evening wore on, the bar became busier, and the DJ had started up a round of tunes that had half the customers on the dance floor.
Kouga watched her curiously, arching a brow. "You alright there?"
"Dance with me?" she called over the bass pounding through the speakers. Oh yes, it was now the time of the night in which she had no qualms for asking for what she wanted.
He chuckled and glanced over at the other bartenders who appeared to have things under control. "You can steal me for a few minutes."
Kagome grinned and giggled like a school girl, leaving Inuyasha behind without delay. Kouga met her at the end of the bar and took her hand in his as she pulled him out onto the dance floor.
Some upbeat dance music blasted through the speakers. Kagome moved and swayed through the bodies crowding near the DJ, the vibrations of the music becoming part of her energy, raising her up several levels at once. Gone were her heartbroken wallows and the biting arrogance of her barstool companion. Her mind buzzed with pure joy. She moved in her dress like her hips were made to sway, the black sequins catching the disco ball that twirled above, causing her to glitter on the dance floor.
Kouga pulled her close, his strong hand pressed against the small of her back, his chiseled chest pressed against hers. She ran her fingers through her messy hair and pulled it to the side, feeling the beat of the music pound with each beat of her heart. Bodies pressed in tighter all around them. Kagome felt the part of her that was really her come out to play, to feel the vibe of the music and let her body go free.
"You're beautiful," Kouga's voice whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine.
His lips looked soft and very kissable, and Kagome knew her decision-making skills were indeed hindered by the alcohol that buzzed through her veins. And then his attention was caught by something else, his royal blue eyes pulling from hers to the outskirts of the dance floor. He said something to her, attempting to shout above the music, but his words were swallowed up by the electric beat that kept her entranced.
Kagome felt his hands slip from around her waist and he disappeared into the crowd. She didn't bother to follow, her hands playing with her hair, her hips moving to the music as she lost herself within it. This was what her heartbroken soul had fiercely needed; a night to forget all the troubles of the day.
Large, meaty hands found her waist, but they were unfamiliar and too warm to the touch. Kagome felt a warm flush find her cheeks as she gazed up to meet a stranger's hazy stare. He pulled her in close - too close - and even in her alcohol-ridden mind, she felt mild panic begin like sparks in her abdomen.
She tried to push him away, first gently and then forcefully, pretending to laugh at his behavior. "Thanks for the dance, but I need some fresh air."
"C'me on, baby," he slurred, pulling her tighter to his sweaty frame, his hot breath rolling over her skin. "We just met. Let's dance s'me more."
Kagome frowned. "I said no." Before she could stomp on his foot and fight her way out of the throng of dancers, the man was forcefully pulled away from her. They became separated by another man, one with very familiar silver hair who had his back to her. She didn't hear the words exchanged, but whatever was said was enough to send the man scampering off to the other side of the bar.
Inuyasha turned around, his piercing honey eyes studying her expression, before his hand gently wrapped around her waist. His grip on her wasn't strong like Kouga's, or possessive like the stranger. Inuyasha's hand was warm against the small of her back, and the anxiety she felt moments ago melted away.
"You okay?" he asked, swaying his hips in tune with hers as they continued to dance to the beat of the music.
She grinned up at him. "Were you worried about me, jerk?"
"Keh," he grumbled, his lips pulling into a smirk. "I despise you more than any other human I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. You're loud and wild and apparently have no sense of self-preservation. You also act like you have the mental capacity of a five year old."
"Are you flirting with me?" she barbed in return.
"Maybe."
His hand found the back of her neck, his fingers finding purchase in her hair, his hips grinding against hers. Warmth pooled into the pit of her stomach, his breath caressing her skin, and she moved her lips to find his.
Kagome barely had a moment to react before he pressed his tongue to the seam of her lips and delved inside her mouth. It was a very sloppy kiss with the strong scent of beer being exchanged between their billowing breaths. Her arm reached up and tangled around his strong neck. She pulled away and arched up into his broad chest, letting a moan escape in the contact of body heat against her own, before she drew back into his lips.
She could nearly taste the slight bitterness of the beer as it rolled off her tongue and seeped down her throat with every push of his tongue against hers. The kiss coupled with the beer and whiskey humming through her system obliterated every thought. For the first time that day, her mind was locked into the present. Her usual concerns for her life were suspended, and she had no wish for the kiss to end.
But as the music changed, they pulled apart. Inuyasha's skin shimmered with sweat and his amber eyes flecked with gold held her gaze. The beat of the music consumed them under the crazy neon lights, and Kagome felt alive during a night that was still so young.
#inuyasha#kagome#inukag#fanfiction#inuyasha fanfiction#inukag-week#sassy stays classy#my fanfiction#double shot of heaven
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[AO3] [WATTPAD]
WARNING: Another NSFW chapter, though this one contains more plot.
NOTE: I apologise for taking nearly a month off from posting. Just haven't been in a writing mood. I'll be trying to get back to our regularly scheduled programme soon!
~ o ~
The appointed hour had arrived. Rise watched Ai's face carefully as it was screwed up in concentration, trying to ignore the anxious flutter in the pit of her stomach. This situation was life-or-death, because if it went in a direction she didn't like she would probably want to throw herself off the nearest bridge.
"Well…?"
"Hmm… it's like… a shiny flower… butterfly… thing."
"What?!"
Huffing, Ai pushed up on her elbows a little more. "Well, what do you want me to say?! That's what it looks like, spread open like that!"
"Ughh, you don't have to make me feel like my body is weird! I'm doing this for you, remember?"
"Yes, and I appreciate it, of course," she conceded with a roll of her eyes. "But don't act like I don't have a point; that is what it reminds me of. I'm just being honest."
Now all Rise wanted to do was close her legs. But she had to ask one more question. "Does… does that mean you don't like it?"
"What? No way, don't be an idiot!" Crawling forward to look straight into her eyes, she whispered, "You're the hottest chick at Yasogami. Well, besides me." They both smirked. "And every part of you is beautiful, do you hear me?"
"Okay, okay," she muttered glumly, trying not to pout. "Sorry."
"No, no, I get it. Suddenly I'm the bitch whose opinion matters a lot because my body is the only one that gets really close to yours. Like, you're obviously going to be worried that I'm not into your body as much as you're clearly into mine."
"Geez, you don't have to put it like that, Ebi-chan. I'm not a pervert! I just… I really like my girlfriend, it's normal! Well… not that liking girls is."
Ai shrugged as she reached down to pet her fingers up and down over Rise's abdomen. They were on the tatami in the middle of their hotel room, the setting sun barely lighting up the walls, and Ai was still fully dressed whereas her girlfriend had fully disrobed, to give her the chance to examine her body at her leisure. It was a little weird, and she felt like a lab experiment, but she knew Ai had probably felt much the same when she was sniffing around her dick before. Fair was fair.
"I think it's pretty normal," Ai protested as her flawlessly-buffed fingernails teased through Rise's well-trimmed strip of pubic hair. Why was that not just hot, but somehow yet hotter because they were such delicate fingers?
"Mmhhh… well, I… I feel so guilty, still. Like we're sneaking around and doing something naughty."
Her lips quirked into another smirk. "Oh, we're definitely naughty. But sneaking around? It's kind of a social media blitz for you or whatever, so… either we're not doing that at all, or we are amazingly shitty at it."
"Shut up," she snorted, bopping Ai on the ear with her knee. It was the easiest thing to reach. "But um… I guess that's true."
"Everything's completely fine, girl," she told her in that extremely rare tone of gentleness that made Rise's heart pound double-time. "We're golden — it's Golden Week. Loosen up."
Snorting, she shot back, "I could have said that to you this morning." Ai rolled her eyes. "Y'know, when my finger was in y-"
"Yes, I get it, I get it." Her head tilted to one side, honey-hued locks pooling on the floor. "Did you like that?"
"Well… it was weird, and kinda gross at first. But!" she protested when Ai started to grimace. "I'd do it just to make you happy, even if it was horrible. And it wasn't, okay? I even…"
When Rise still hadn't finished that sentence after a few seconds, Ai wound up prompting her, "You even… liked it? Hated it? Give me something to go on here."
"No. It's too weird."
"Come on, it's just us. You gotta get used to trusting me sometime. Or don't, I guess."
"Are you… guilting me?"
"See? You already don't trust me." But when Rise pouted, she snorted and poked her in the tummy. "Just playing with you… but maybe also making a point. I know I'm kind of a bitch, but I'm trying to trust you despite almost outing me to the entire school. Can it start cutting both ways?"
Thoroughly chagrined, she whispered, "Well… that's not exactly what this is. But I get it. I'm just embarrassed and you know that, but I'll try to open up… if you do."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. So if I admit I thought it was pretty hot, watching you get all squirmy… will you admit that you liked me slipping a finger up there?"
Stalemate. Both of them were staring into each other's eyes, trying not to give ground. A perfect example that both of them were correct in their estimations of what areas they needed to work on. Eventually Ai took a breath and sighed, "Okay, okay, you're right. I just… it's almost like admitting weakness. Which is so dumb that I care, we should both be getting more comfortable with each other."
"Okay. Just this time, even though you didn't say it, I'll accept that as you admitting you liked it," Rise said in a slight sing-song. When her girlfriend pouted, she went on, "And I thought it was hot. Like, not the butt part exactly? But fingering you…" She could feel her cheeks heating up from having to put it into words.
"Yeah. I mean, I get that. Just because it's… where it is, doesn't mean you didn't fuck me right."
"EBI-CHAN!" she hissed in a scandalised tone.
"What? You did. I mean, now that we're being honest…" Ai still had to clear her throat, even if she was doing a better job of keeping an even tone of voice. "Your finger started hitting really deep — hit my spot, and it was all over. I've never, ever felt like that before. It was like my fingers and toes and nose and tits were all orgasming with me."
Rise had been gaping at her until the very end, when she let out a weak little laugh. "Nose and toes, huh? Wow. But I'm really happy I could help; I just wanted to make you feel good, and find out if that was one way we could do that."
"Definitely. Like, now that I'm past trying to pretend I don't need it." Ai squirmed a little. "Uhh…"
She sat up a little more, petting through her hair. And she leaned into the touch. Had she ever done that before? "Do you want me to do it again? Not right now!" she reassured her, and Ai relaxed a little. "But just, um, just in the future."
"I think so. Is that weird? You're my girlfriend, you shouldn't have to fuck me in the ass like a dude."
"Mm. Well, then I'll fuck you in the ass like a lady."
Ai giggled a little, crawling up to curl around her body. "I don't know exactly what that means, but I'm there. I'll offer you the same anytime you want."
"Oh, I think I'll be okay," she laughed easily. "I've never had any interest in that. Before! Before now. Wait — no, I still don't have any interest in having mine… d-do we really have to keep discussing this?"
"No," Ai told her with a slight smirk as she leaned in to kiss her cheek so tenderly that Rise briefly forgot that she was even nervous about the topic of conversation. "We could go back to talking about that phone call."
A brief pause. "So about my butt…"
"Come on, it can't have been that bad," she challenged her with a little snort. "You're just gonna keep being your fabulous self, and so will I, and Japan will join the fucking twenty-first century."
"Yeah, I just… talking about it… I'd rather focus on you, on us. On Okinawa! This is one of our last little flings — especially for you, senpai."
Clearly, that hint wasn't lost on her. She sighed and cuddled a little closer. "You're right. We should enjoy it while we can."
"Mmm, it feels like somebody already is."
"That's- it's an involuntary reaction! I was literally staring down the barrel of your pussy two seconds ago — anybody with one of these would have theirs sticking straight up, too!"
Voice the tiniest bit haughty, she said, "Well. I'm not going to assume anything, okay? I know you don't want me to… give you a little kiss down there… or caress with my fingers… or-"
"What a goddamn tease," she muttered.
"You love it." When Ai didn't answer, she grinned and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, pulling her in yet closer. They didn't really need any words anymore. As hard as it was to ignore that firm presence, given how unfamiliar Rise was with such things, she just tried to keep her focus on those sweet lips pressing against her own, on the warm back beneath her palms. On the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
That realisation bowled her over. Even though they had been trending in that direction, she had yet to truly think about their future together. Sure, they would have to list Ai as male in order to get a marriage certificate… or would they? Maybe they really shouldn't worry about it. Not being able to enjoy the same status as her straight friends would be frustrating, yes, but it wasn't the end of the world. As long as she could live with her lover and share their lives, that was good enough.
By the time they finally parted, Ai managed to breathe, "I want you so bad…"
Careful to keep her tone neutral, she whispered, "How?"
"Any way I can have you. I… shit, what the hell did you turn me into?"
"Then I'm all yours. You can… have my mouth again, if that's what you like. Or did you wanna go, um… go all the way?"
"I don't know!" she groused as she pulled at her hair. Not that this minor crisis was reducing her arousal any; it was still grinding into Rise's hip and driving her up a wall. "UGH! I want to be as close to you as I can, and that seems like the way, but I also don't want to be the 'boy', you know?"
Drawing her in for another brief kiss, she whispered, "You won't be. Not to me; you'll always just be Ai. My cute little Ebi-chan. I… do you want me to use my finger on you again? I'd love to! I wanna do anything that makes you happy!"
"I… kind of? But no, not right now. I want to make you happy this time."
"Oh." Rise felt another flush of shame, trying not to remember the very obvious fact that she didn't have a stitch of clothing on her person. "Well, um… I want what you want." Did she just give her permission?!
"Good. Then let me try, um… with my mouth. I'll probably suck, but hey, no time like the present to start practicing. Especially if I ever want to be able to do this right."
"Sure! Yeah, that's… that's the same thing I was thinking while doing it for you." With a slight squirm, she then lowered her voice to barely a whisper, "I'm just… I'm sorry if it tastes, or smells… you know…"
Ai lifted a hand to waft away such thoughts. "You'll be fine. It's you. I mean, even if you weren't the sweetest girl in the universe, you're still Risette; that label of yours wouldn't let you have some stanky puss."
Bright red. Like a stoplight. Even though Ai was saying hers wouldn't be so aromatic, the very idea of it meriting a word such as "stanky" made her want to take a bath with a toaster. "U-uhm… thanks?"
"Anytime, girl."
And that seemed to be all the warning she got before Ai was kissing her way down her chest toward a clear goal. This was it; she was finally going to get as good as she gave. Unless she thought of some legitimate reason to ask the teen queen to pull back… but her mind was a blank. All she could think about was those perfect lips dimpling the skin of her abdomen, the lusty gaze being shot up in her direction as she moved lower, and lower…
Lowest. She felt a kiss in her hairs and she couldn't entirely suppress an anxious squeak. Her eyes slid closed as one leg moved up to drape over her girlfriend's back, hoping that would somehow encourage her — prove that she was ready. Even if she wasn't.
"This alright?"
Oh no. Ai was calling her bluff; it was glaringly obvious how high her nerves were running. "Y-yeah… it's just really, um, new?"
"I get that."
Then Ai moved again, and Rise almost curled into a ball. "WOW! That's- you kissed my…"
There was a slight sheen on Ai's smirk when she raised up to look at her properly. "You are soaking fucking wet, Kujikawa. How bad have you been needing it?"
"I haven't been! Honestly, I'm- NNH, how are you doing this?!"
"Pretty easy," she shot back before leaving a long lick along the entirety of her vulnerable flesh. Rise reached down instinctively to grip the hair attached to that head that was giving her so much pleasure it was overloading her system. Did everybody experience this? Was she oversensitive, or was it normal to feel like every inch of her skin was on fire, like she was losing all control?
"God, this is getting me so hard," Ai breathed before diving back in. Which didn't help matters in the slightest; Rise already felt like she was losing her mind, and knowing her girlfriend was nearly as bad off only heightened her pleasure, making her want to roll over and rut on her face. Or…
Or go further. Ai wasn't ready, and she would respect that, but if just her lips and tongue were making her feel this phenomenal, what would it be like for them to really go for it? Uniting their bodies had to be just as good as taking care of each other in turn, if not better.
"NH!" she finally burst out when she felt the pleasure rising. "I'm… I'm about to- it's gonna happen!"
"Yeah?" Ai panted as she used her thumb to caress that tortured flesh, gazing up at her with glazed eyes. "That mean… should I finish you off?"
The volume at which the word "YES!" ripped from her throat left their ears ringing. Rise would feel embarrassed about that — later. When she had time. Right now, she was too busy literally dragging Ai's head back down to devour her anew, moaning as her hips rolled up into their point of union. A little more — and the way her tongue was hitting her clit was spurring her on faster, making it-
Ai brought her to the hardest climax she had ever experienced. Feeling this one made her realise she had been only getting close to a real orgasm all those years since she first began to awaken sexually; a real orgasm blew those pretenders to the throne out of the water so easily. Guess that was what she got for never truly masturbating, or finding anybody who could take care of it for her.
Once the most intense of those sensations began to fade, Rise started coming back to her senses. A few things surprised her: she felt the tatami suddenly pressing into her back, because she had lifted herself upward. Ai's shirt moved when she started pulling her leg back, because her toes had clenched so hard in the fabric. The same was true of her hair — which she let go of first, feeling a few strands come away with her fingers with a little flare of guilt that she hadn't been gentler. Her mind had literally gone somewhere else while the ecstasy overwhelmed. It was almost scary, but mostly just… damn.
"Whoa," Ai breathed simply. The whole experience had left both of them speechless. After swallowing and clearing her throat, she licked her lips before wiping them on the back of her hand and crawling up to hover above her girlfriend. "You okay?"
"Hmnah!" was the best she could do. Ai giggled, so she tried to do better this time. "Yeah!"
Grinning, she pressed her face into Rise's neck. "Yeah. I can handle that review, I guess. Still wanna know if I did anything stupid, though; like, this was my first attempt, I can't have been perfect."
"Oh… you… close to… heaven." She hadn't meant to say 'heaven', it just slipped out.
"Really? Well… good, that's good." Ai was kissing her neck a little more firmly, more frequently. It suddenly occurred to Rise that she could feel that bulge digging into her hip; poor Ai hadn't gotten off since that morning, even if she did get there twice.
"You… want help?"
"Huh? Oh, naw, I can ignore it. Don't even trip."
"But you… I wanna… I like your friend." She took a couple of breaths, finally beginning to fully recover. "What can I call her?"
"Annoying," she snorted, and Rise rolled her eyes while she grinned into her hair. "Bitch that won't leave the party."
Nodding, she kissed into her scalp and earned herself a little sigh of appreciation in return. "I like her. That doesn't mean you have to, or like… that you have to keep her or like her for my sake. But just so you know, we get along pretty well. I mean, for a girl and an, um, appendage."
"Dork. But thanks. And it makes me mad that we have to have this conversation… but I appreciate that you get it. That you can really, uh, want my D without forgetting that I don't want it at all."
"Yeah, of course. I might have been dumb when we first started out but I learn fast."
"You do," she agreed with a little squeeze. Rise wrapped her arms more tightly around her girlfriend, appreciating their warmth, their connection. "It's honestly refreshing. Like, I got so much hate when I came out… even from my own family. I had started to believe it was impossible to expect people to get me. Then here comes this prissy famous bitch."
Rise smacked her on the arm, which only earned a harsh chuckle. "Who's the bitch here, really?" But then she moved her hand down to her bulge. "Let me take care of this. Like, it doesn't have to be anything special, or… not unless you want more."
"Mmhh… annoying." But Ai looked away, biting her lower lip. Again, Rise questioned why she found watching that to be so hot but she tried to relegate that question to the back of her mind for the time being.
"What is it?"
"Your mouth is so good… fuck, I'm sorry. Like, that's a lot to ask, twice in one d-"
"You got it." When Ai just blinked at her, she shrugged bashfully. "I'd do that. I'd use my finger again, I'll give you whatever you want. As long as you're okay with me figuring out how to do it as I go, I don't mind! It's nice that we can help each other out."
Though it took her a second, she started to nod with a slight smile. "It is really nice. Weird, but like, I guess it's not since we're dating."
"Yeah," Rise giggled. "We're just not used to dating, right?"
"Mm. You're sure I didn't mess up while muff diving?"
"While WHAT?! Excuse me? You can't call it that!"
Smirking a little as she sat up and started to disrobe, she purred, "I can call it whatever I want, Risette. Now perform for me. Maybe I'll just jerk off onto your butt."
"NO! Ew, why would you do that when I- that's gonna be all sticky, we'd have to take another bath!"
"So what? The last one turned out to be a real event…"
"Yeah, for you! And you were definitely writhing and squealing all over the place!"
"Y-yeah, well, that was your fault!" she shot back as that ready-and-willing cock bounced out into the open air. "Maybe I'll take you up on your mouth just so you can't say mean things to me."
Rise pursed her lips for a moment before saying, "Maybe I won't be as careful with my teeth this time."
"Hey, don't joke like that," Ai said with a shiver. "I might not want to keep her but that is NOT how I wanna lose her."
"Then behave," she purred as she crawled toward her lap, rubbing her cheek against the warm length. "And I'll behave exactly the way you want."
Ai complied. She complied for the following ten minutes, and got exactly what the doctor ordered — because the alluring Nurse Rise was tending her every need. Five star service.
To Be Continued…
#We'll Face Ourselves#Saphir de Lune#forkanna writes#persona 4 fanfiction#p4 fanfic#rise x ai#jess the writer
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This little piece came about after a conversation with @myladykayo and a couple of post/prompts.. I'm only going to include one here until everyone has read it otherwise it'll ruin the whole thing.
This is what happens when my two want fluff and a little spicy time together... Let's heat up this Monday morning.
"Rotzlöffel!"
Selene paused, the wagging finger of doom pointing right at his chest. "What did you just call- don't yell at me in languages I don't understand!"
"Well don't be one then!"
"Don't be a what? What did you just call me?" her eyes narrowed dangerously.
He had two choices, stand his ground or retreat and try to make things better, but if there was one thing he'd learned from spending almost two years of his life with a mad witch, it was to never back down.
He squared his shoulders, looked her dead in the eye and answered her honestly. "A snot spoon."
She blinked. "A what now?"
"It's loosely translated…" he waved his hand vaguely.
"And it means?"
"A brat."
"You just called me a brat?"
"Yes."
"Well don't do that!"
"Don't act like one then!"
She bit her lip, trying very hard not to laugh. She failed.
"A snot spoon? Seriously? That's what you came up with?"
"Alan never knew what it meant either."
"You're an idiot."
"An idiot that you love," he shot back, an evil grin beginning to form.
"Urghhh," she stopped pacing and flopped backwards onto the bed. "When did we move from arguments that turn to kissing to arguments that turn into childish insults?"
"Around three table decorations and a cake ago."
She raised a hand. "I would like to put in a formal request to go back to the former, thank you."
John caught hold of her hand, lacing their fingers. "That could be arranged," he squeezed her fingers lightly. "But, you did just call me an idiot."
"My idiot," she tugged on his hand, pulling him down on top of her. "So, kisses?"
"Kisses are good."
They both moved closer, moving instinctively from much practice. Their lips met, softly at first, little warm up kisses that were sweet rather than sensual.
Her tongue dabbed softly at his lips, trying to tempt him to open and allow her to deepen their kiss.
She moaned happily, letting her hands get in on the action, one travelling the length of his spine, nails scraping lightly through the fabric of his shirt, the other journeying upwards to tangle in his hair.
Their kiss deepened, lazy kisses, taking their time, just enjoying a rare moment to be alone together. Selene could feel her heart speeding up and her breath becoming a little ragged as the fluttering butterflies of arousal began to multiply from their ever present "damn my guy's hot" to "gotta have him now."
"Does this mean I'm forgiven for shouting at you in German?"
"That depends."
"On what?"
"On how else you're going to use those hot language skills of yours." She kissed her way to his jaw.
"Does my lady have any requests?"
"Dealer's choice, I just like listening to you. Surprise me."
"Mm, I'm sure I can come up with something." He turned his head to capture her lips again.
Using her grip on his hair she broke their kiss, stopping to rub her nose against his.
"Talk to me," she pleaded in her most seductive voice and he was powerless to resist.
He broke away to kiss his way down her neck, nipping lightly here and there, nuzzling her soft skin. He worked his way up to her ear as one of her hands found its way under his shirt to stroke bare skin. Well, that wasn't helping, was it? How was he supposed to concentrate while she was doing that?
Her legs lifted, wrapping around his waist to pull him closer so she could feel his hard length through his jeans.
"Tell me what you want," she encouraged, her own lips attacking the side of his neck. That was not playing fair.
Thoroughly enjoying her current mood and in no way wanting to jeopardize that he said the first thing that came to mind although it was cheesy as hell.
"Est-ce que ton père a été un voleur? Parce qu’il a volé les étoiles du ciel pour les mettre dans tes yeux."
She purred a low moan in his ear and he filed that information away for later, how to stop an argument, grab her, kiss her, whisper in french, got it.
"Je te trouve belle."
Her fingers had got to work on the front of his shirt, unbuttoning it quickly, pushing the material off his shoulders.
Huh, they were now at the stripping part of the proceedings, he was down with that. Luckily for him she was wearing one of her black blouses today, this one decorated with a fine covering of silver spider web, not that he was paying much attention to the intricacies of the design right at that moment.
He popped open the first two buttons and lowered his head to kiss a path down her neck, pausing to suck lightly on her collarbone. Her shuddering moan was accompanied by a seductive hip roll that almost made his eyes cross. This wasn't good, she shouldn't have told him to say what he wanted. Quick, he instructed himself, think of something else!
"Mélanger les jaunes d’œufs avec la moutarde, le sel et le poivre dans un saladier."
Her back arched, thrusting her still caged breast closer.
"Ajouter tout doucement et peu à peu l’huile sur le mélange en battant au fouet."
Her fingers played with the shorter hairs on the back of his neck, nails scraping lightly at his skin.
Honestly, when she had started the day with a full list of shit she didn't care about but Grandma insisted was important, she had questioned the wiseness of dragging her Spaceman home. Especially when it had disintegrated into her tossing his carefully crafted list into the trash and refusing to make another decision again. But now that she'd seen how they could resolve an argument she might be tempted to start one daily.
One of the things she loved most about her man was how he could be so incredibly sexy without even knowing it, there was no big headedness from John that would make him insufferably smug like some men she knew.
She loved his voice, it was the first thing she had fallen for, wanting to be closer to him before she had even seen his face and she always found it incredibly hot when he would casually drop into another language like it required no more effort than blinking.
This was doing all kinds of good things to rev her engine and if he wasn't careful she'd be forced to roll him over and have her wicked way with him before he knew what was going on.
"Remplir les avocats avec des crevettes et les recouvrir de sauce cocktail."
She stiffened as the tip of his tongue traced the lacy edge of her bra but she was far too distracted to pay much attention. Had he…
"Dude, did you just say cocktail sauce?" She didn't know much French, in fact she was limited to a couple of cheeses, bread, chicken and French fries, she was very food based, but she had definitely heard that before.
He froze for a second then sighed, his head dropping to bury his face in her neck.
"Sorry."
She didn't know whether she should laugh or cry although as usual, laughing won.
She began to giggle, unable to hold it in.
He lifted his head to look at her, completely bemused.
"What the hell were you even saying?"
He shifted uncomfortably, both from the sudden shift in position as well as the metaphorical bucket of cold water that had been dumped on top of them.
"Well, at first I was complimenting your eyes, but then I had to think of something a little less exciting and I skipped breakfast -"
"And lunch knowing you."
"Maybe…"
"And so you were saying…"
"I may have been telling you how to make a shrimp and avocado salad."
To his intense relief her giggles turned into full laughter which he couldn't help but join in with.
She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight, struggling to breathe but not for the reasons they had first been planning.
"Gods, I love you," she gasped, trying to catch her breath and not crack up laughing again. She kissed his cheek and let go, pushing him gently to the side.
She sat up, wiping the tears from her eyes and buttoned her blouse back up.
"Sorry, that kinda killed the mood," he winced.
"Rubbish, if we can't laugh then there's no hope for us, it's laughter and love that keeps a couple strong and we've got that in abundance."
She held out her hand to him, dragging him to his feet.
"Back to the list?" he sighed.
"Hell no, we're going to the kitchen." She reached out to give his firm abs a loving pat. "I'm gonna fuel my sex machine and then take full advantage of you being home for the rest of the night."
"Sex Machine?" he arched a disbelieving eyebrow as he fastened his shirt.
She shrugged, unrepentant. "Meh, I thought it'd try it, it obviously didn't work." She sighed dramatically. "Most men would be grateful their girl thinks they are a stud."
"Good thing I'm not most men then, because that was a terrible line," he followed her to the door.
"This is coming from the guy that just told my boobs how to cut a cucumber."
#Oh my gods John#I can't even#john tracy#selene tempest#healthy relationships#in love#love#thunderbirds fanfiction#thunderbirdsarego#thunderbirds are go#thunderbirds#thunderbirds 2015
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1/2 Thank you for your answer! ❤ Just wanna clarify when I said laugh about the choco I meant in 2.11 w/ EJ but didnt mention that. Thats on me😅 Sorry. Its funny b/c I view Ginas reaction in 2.10 quite diff from you. She is uncomfy, no argument there, but theres also a feeling of embarrassment thats diff from 2.04 when the choco situation was fresh. This time when Gina laughs about thinking the choco are from Ricky its more genuine w/o the pain behind her smile. Totally agree w/ you about Ash
2/2 laughing about it in 2.10. Was a bit hard to watch that but I wanna point out Gina coulda easily be mad at Ash for that but she just smiles and waves it off, a contrast to 2.04 when she hides it from Ash. In 2.10 Gina is more concerned w/ Ninis reaction to it than anything else. She even wants to clear the air in 2.12, weeks after it happened b/c she values Ninis friendship. Chocogate ends up solidifying Gina/Nini friendship instead of being a plot device for Rina angst 🤔😃 Interesting..
okay yeah no i 100% think she's chill about the chocolate situation when she is talking to ej even though that conversation is immediately cut off by jamie's arrival so we don't actually get to hear her response... i think it's fair to say it's all good at that point.
i also fully agree that her behavior is very different from where it was in 2.04 bc at that point she was still kinda wallowing in her pain about it. it was very fresh in 2.04 like- only two days had passed in between 2.03 and 2.04 based on the "two days of home-cooked meals" or whatever that line was in the ricky and nini facetime scene at the top of the episode. so of course she's clearly very much affected by the whole thing. as of 2.06, she's decided to cut him off, so it makes sense that after that point she's not so emotional about the whole thing, particularly post- the reveal with ashlyn.
you don't see her as pained so much in 2.10 or 2.11 bc she's decided to move on. she's not dwelling on the whole ricky thing anymore, and in 2.11 especially she's kinda in a VERY good spot with ej since he's asked her out. so of course the chocolate thing is a thing of the past.
i do still stand by my saying she comes off as quite uncomfortable there in 2.10, and i don't think she really is "laughing about it", more so just nervous laughter to brush off the situation. (likely bc she doesn't want to get into it with nini). i think it makes sense that she's more so embarassed to have been mistaken at this point, and it's different than the pain in 2.04, but of course everything's up for interpretation, and i'm loving hearing yours <3
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your point about gina not being mad at ashlyn is interesting, because honestly i never considered it a possibility haha. gina's such an interesting character because while they kinda completely stripped ej of his ambitions and more mischievous side, we still do see a good bit of that sort of stuff in gina. not that she acts on it, but the 2.04 argument with carlos and just- a lot of little stuff especially in 2a that just reminds us that gina's still the same girl that she was in season 1, just more open to these people around her and less inclined to take the low road to go after those things she feels she deserves. it's cool to think about. and it's a good contrast to the fact that i definitely didn't anticipate any frustration from gina in ashlyn's direction after that.
part of this could be explained by the fact that that would kinda be a waste of what was very limited screentime in the final three episodes to put more distance between gina and ashlyn (the results of which could be devastating for gina who literally currently lives in her bedroom). but also it's cool to see for gina's character arc that she doesn't actually seem to mind it from ashlyn despite the fact it made the chocolate thing into a MUCH bigger thing than it was. it was probably well-meant as i said before, like a "i'm trying to feel like i'm closer to you" type thing... but gosh ashlyn i love you but it really felt like you were trying to start something there. i think ashlyn just likes the drama haha.
i think her hiding it in 2.04 from ashlyn is just an aspect of gina not wanting to be open with other people. she doesn't want to be on a team really... like her whole "co-stuff" storyline that she had. (which- the IMPACT of her being co-anchors with ej a few episodes later. gosh like- the development that shows) she's not interested in letting anyone in. that's kinda why it's such a big deal in 2.06 when she finally tells ashlyn about opening night. because she doesn't want to let anyone in with her feelings. i don't know if the 2.10 scene is an intentional tie-in to 2.04 exactly in that particular sense, i think 2.04 more so goes with 2.06 in that regard, but i 100% get what you're saying.
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as for your mention of 2.12... i agree that gina was more concerned about nini's reaction with the chocolates thing than she was about anything else in the 2.10 scene when ashlyn brings it up. (understandable, considering nini was very much ricky's girlfriend at the time.) and clearly she had reason to worry bc nini was definitely not pleased about all that. she's being snippy about it during the scene and then SO incredibly frustrated about it through the rest of that episode... like her line at the theatre when they go to do the transformation- "i guess today's theme is secrets"... she was very upset.
i know everyone gushed over the gina and nini scene from 2.12 and them talking about the chocolates and nini being all "it was more about you and me"... but honestly for me personally i thought that was such a cop-out for just how much they built that chocolates issue up. when we saw the sneak peak for 2.10 with nini getting upset about the chocolates, everyone was like this is going to be BAD. and then in 2.12 it was all of a sudden no big deal like oh gina i love our friendship when... two episodes ago she was angry at her and the two of them aren't even really shown to be close at all the majority of the time... {i do have a tangent about gina and nini not really being friends, and this show acting like they are approximately once a season, but i won't subject anyone to that rn}
once 2.04 was over, you're absolutely right, the chocolates were no longer a part of any sort of angsty plot for ricky and gina, and they decided to use it to play into more tension (and then resolution) for gina and nini. the fact that the chocolates stopped being something ricky and gina acknowledged between one another even as they come back in full force in the second half of the season is another indication imo that this is probably a book we've closed, but i'm also not fully ready to commit to that statement bc i don't think anything's ever 100% off the table depending on what decisions are made.
i personally don't like how they did the whole thing, but if i'm going to take it as the scene was presented, i think it's nice that they had gina open up to nini about the whole ej thing and just... gina opening up to someone else emotionally is a big deal. like i mentioned with her finally confiding in ashlyn in 2.06, gina doesn't like letting people in. so her crying in front of nini, talking about her hurt and everything, that's a big deal. i do also appreciate in a character growth sense that gina did want to clear things up with nini after that two weeks since 2.10, but i would also note i didn't feel like it was something she necessarily planned to bring to her so much as the opportunity presented itself and she took that nice moment to do so.
my favorite part of that 2.12 scene was that it did a great job at serving both of their individual character arcs. gina being able to be emotionally vulnerable with someone and embracing connections (even though at this point she's upset about ej cancelling their date, both her eagerly wanting to have gone out with ej and her easily opening up to nini about the whole thing are very good examples of this). she's truly getting to a place where she wants to give pieces of herself to others (in a healthy way), and that's really fantastic to watch.
and then on the other side, it brings up nini's growing storyline about her gift for supporting other people. i honestly think that will be (if the writers are smart) what happens with nini in season 3, some sort of more like- people-focused thing for her rather than nini actually getting into music in the longer term. a big part of the issue with yac is that she was so isolated, and nini's at her best when she has her people around her. like her writing opening night cards for everyone and the way she's able to step up when miss jenn won't. it's her thing far more than i think music will be, but i can talk about that another day. the character arc stuff shown in this scene was absolutely fantastic so thank you for somewhat giving me an excuse to talk about it haha.
#hsmtmts#hsmtmts analysis#hsmtmts: meta#hsmtmts: gina porter#answered#anonymous#//literally loving these asks and discussing this show so thanksssss#//also please no one yell at me about the 2.12 scene thing. i liked the scene just- it's weird in context of the show
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Ohhh can I ask what do you like about kiibo? He's one of my faves but I don't see many people talk about him
I absolutely would love the chance to talk about Kiiboagain! The biggest piece of meta I got to write on him was quite a long timeago, and it really is a shame that people don’t talk about him as much. It’snot as if he’s unpopular, exactly, but it seems like most people are onlyinterested in the “cute robot” aspect rather than the things Kiiboactually represents in the game and the things he accomplishes in Chapter 6.
Obviously I’ll be discussing Chapters 5 and 6 prettyin-depth, so there’ll be massive spoilers for the whole game. Please only readif you’re comfortable with that!
I think part of the main reason why there’s so littlediscussion about Kiibo is because his main time to shine doesn’t really comeuntil Chapter 5. I myself didn’t particularly have an opinion on him one way orthe other before that. Similar to Tsumugi, he stays mostly on the back-burner inall the previous chapters. He’s certainly level-headed and reasonable duringthe trials, but he’s very much on the outskirts of things, never part of eitherthe friendships or conflicts the other characters are having with each other.
Thankfully though, ndrv3 does much better than itspredecessors (in my opinion) of giving most of the characters a more fair andeven amount of screen time. Characters who received their fair share ofdevelopment in earlier chapters and then passed away aren’t around by Chapter5, so that allowed Kiibo to finally take the stage and receive a lot more focusafter five chapters of mostly only being brought up to either say somethinguseful to the trial or get robo-bullied.
Chapter 5 is the first opportunity we have to reallyinteract with Kiibo in a plot context, not counting FTEs. While it’s somethingthat was alluded to plenty in the other chapters, Chapter 5 finally reallyhighlights exactly how much Kiibo questions his own existence as it’s viewed byeveryone else. In a game all about how “lies become reality” and “perception iseverything,” he’s genuinely worried over the thought that others perceive himas little more than just “The Robot™” despite all his efforts to ask that theytreat him as one of the group.
Kiibo wants to be regarded as an individual, not a machineor a wacky exaggerated trope, even if that’s what the other characters keeptrying to delegate him to. Even if he can’t be human, per se, he’d at leastlike to be thought of as someone who’s not out of the ordinary. That’s part ofwhy he hates the mecha genre so much, in fact.
If he had his way, he’d honestly prefer to be an ordinaryhigh school student, just like the rest of them—and that, in a game where manyof the characters prefer talent and competitionand excelling above all else, is interesting. It’s not often that normalcy isany of the character’s desired goal; more often, it’s a curse that they’retrying to escape from. But it works well as a theme for Kiibo because being arobot is something he has literally no control over, something that arguablydoesn’t even count as a “talent” in the first place.
Kiibo is so desperate to settle the matter of how he’sperceived that he’s in fact almost reckless with it. He actually volunteers tolie under the press in order to see whether the sensor on it will detect him asa “human” or an “object.” When Ouma gives the group the electric hammers Miumade for him, explaining that they work on machines and electronics but not onpeople, Kiibo actually contemplates using one on himself in order to test howMiu actually saw him—something Ouma advises against, since if it turns out hewas regarded as a machine and not a person, his circuits would completely fry.
These things are, of course, not uncommon to robotcharacters in fiction. They’re themes that have been done before, but I ratherlike the serious twist things take with Kiibo’s self-perception anyway inChapter 5. It adds a level of understanding to the reason why he’s been so onthe outskirts of the group; unlike Tsumugi, who keeps herself on the outskirtsbecause she purposely wants to be an observer, Kiibo has simply felt excludedfrom the start and always will feel excluded,on some level. I feel for these kinds of characters deeply, and that’s probablythe point at which I went from being neutral about him to quite liking him.
The fact that he was actually the most objective and fairestcharacter in the Chapter 5 trial earned him huge points, too. That was where hetruly began showing some of his protagonist potential, in my opinion. Assomeone who wants to be treated fairly and “like one of the group,” it reallydoes speak volumes to Kiibo’s character that he honestly, 100% believes thateveryone else should receive that kind of fair and equal treatment, too. Evensomeone like Ouma, who was being viewed in almost entirely antagonistic termsby the rest of the group and who they believed to be a literal “Junko 2.0.”
Even after using the Hope’s Peak remember light, Kiibo wasthe only one in the group who actually wanted to talk to Ouma, rather thanMomota in Chapter 5. He went to the machinery bay with the intention of seeingif he could have a face-to-face talk with him instead of having to rely on theentire dr1-style “let’s talk down the big bad villain from despair” plan thatthey had set for the next day. I still wonder what would’ve actually happenedif he’d managed to convince Ouma to let him in to talk, too—he didn’t succeedbecause Maki was already in the machinery bay at the time, but I feel likethings could’ve turned out drastically different if he’d managed to talk withOuma for himself.
That fair objectivity of Kiibo’s is one of my favoritequalities, moreso since it’s something that seems to be natural and inherent tohim, rather than something Tsumugi oranyone else programmed into his character. It’s so distinctly… well, I’mlooking for a good comparison and I keep coming back to Hufflepuff. Fair,hard-working, earnest, and unbelievably loyal, both to the people he caresabout and what he believes in—these are all traits that embody Kiibo as acharacter.
While these traits are definitely positive things, they canalso be unbelievably scary when carried to their full potential. After losinghis ahoge and severing his connection with the ndrv3 audience, Kiibo finallyhas an opportunity to think for himself and make his own decisions, without anyinterruptions or subconscious urges not to do so. And he’s the only character after Chapter 5 who looksat Momota and Ouma’s sacrifice, and decides to put a stop to the killing gameonce and for all, with his own two hands.
This is a cold, ruthless decision coming from a characterwho has looked at all the options as fairly as possible and determined that thekilling game will not stop unless he takes this course of action. When Kiibomade up his mind to end everything himself once and for all was pretty much thepoint where I went from just liking him to lovinghim. Stripped away of the audience’s interference or Tsumugi’s plans for him,Kiibo is someone who at his core was not entirely dissimilar to Ouma—if anything,he was even more willing to make sacrifices than Ouma was, because Kiibo was absolutely willing to blow up the wholeschool and everyone in it by sunrise if Saihara couldn’t find any other way ofstopping the killing game by exposing the truth.
This reflects a loyalty to his ideals and to the sacrificesMomota and Ouma left behind that goes very, very deep. I have a huge soft spotfor loyal characters, moreso loyal characters who do questionable things forthe sake of their loyalty—Juzo and Mukuro are both super high on my characterranking for that exact reason. Kiibo’s unwavering decision to do anything ittook to end the killing game made him incredibly likable for me, especiallysince, in the end… he was right. It turned out that blowing up Saishuu Academyand giving the audience an ending that was neither hope nor despair was theonly possible way to break the cycle of “hope vs. despair” that had been goingon for 53 seasons.
Once the trial begins and Kiibo has his ahoge and his linkwith the audience restored, Chapter 6 is a journey of him stepping into theprotagonist role at first, saying all the wrong things and falling into all thewrong pitfalls of the “hope vs. despair” cycle, and acting every bit the sortof Naegi-like, inspirational, hope-giving protagonist that Tsumugi set him upto be. Just as Ouma was very much set up by Tsumugi to be “despair,” aJunko-like figure to take the fall in her original plans, Kiibo was set up verysimilarly to be “hope.”
But “hope” within the killing game, especially “hope” asTsumugi wanted it to reflect the Hope’s Peak arc, is a false hope. All it doesis enable the same cycle to keep repeating. And that’s something Saihara pointsout, touching on the fact that the ndrv3 audience arguably wants to see “hope”even more than “despair,” as “hope” is heavily implied to be the choice thatkept winning the most in the past 53 seasons of the killing game.
Like Ouma, Kiibo rejects his intended role in the end, andthat’s exactly what I love about him the most, I think. Despite being someonewho was set up to be a puppet on a string every step of the way, Kiibo rejectedthat “hope” and instead was willing to stand with everyone and lay down hislife in order to end the killing game. Even though he had every reason to keeparguing, even though his “inner voice” kept telling him that “hope” was theright choice, he ignored all of that and instead consciously chose to tryending the killing game once again.
There’s also the matter of Kiibo’s self-sacrificing streak amile wide, which is something I always wind up falling for in DR characters andsomething that inevitably hurts me, since they always die. Characters whosacrifice themselves for the sake of others’ happiness do not get to have agood time in DR, ever. And Kiibo’s sacrifice at the end of the game goes soun-commented on most of the time, because Saihara and the others assume that itwas more the outside world’s doing.
But looking back at the final execution, at Kiibo’s concernas he saw Saihara and the other survivors under the rubble, and the slight smileon his face as he flew up higher to the dome to self-destruct in order to givethem all a chance to live on, I can’t help but feel that it was Kiibo’s doing,rather than the audience’s directly. Some small part of Kiibo still left inthere wanted more than anything for the rest of them to have a chance atliving.
In the end, the will to live on is the smallest and mostgenuine form of hope that there is, in my opinion at least. The “hope” thatTeam DR and the killing game audience wanted was false, but Kiibo was notmistaken about wanting there to at least be some way for Saihara and the othersurvivors to keep living. In a game featuring many, many suicidal and depressedcharacters, Kiibo is ultimately the one that presents them with the opportunityto keep living, so that they don’t haveto sacrifice their lives. Even if the road ahead of them is bound to be harshand painful, he wanted them to have the option to walk down it in the firstplace and to be able to find a reason, any reason, to keep living.
This has gotten pretty long so I’ll leave it for now, but I’mglad I had the chance to talk about Kiibo because he’s honestly such a goodcharacter. The last two chapters of ndrv3 succeeded in making him go from acharacter I was completely neutral about to one of my absolute favorite DRcharacters of all-time—because contrary to how he seemed initially, he wound upbeing one of the best subversions of Naegi’s original character and the entireHope’s Peak arc.
Thank you both for asking! I’m always glad to meet morepeople who really like Kiibo, so this was fun!
#ndrv3#drv3#new danganronpa v3#kiibo#keebo#ndrv3 spoilers //#my meta#okay to reblog#i love kiibo with all my heart#anonymous
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Don't Be Mad at Me.
Anger is a necessary stage of grief. Right? It may be the therapist in me but I can’t get mad at my dead wife. Technically, it’s her fault that she’s dead (by suicide). I’ve got no beef with her because I understand. And you can too.
I recently read “Suicidal: Why We Kill Ourselves” by psychologist Jesse Bering. Ok fine, I listened to the audiobook while doing yard work. I found the book oddly satisfying and peaceful. Death has that effect on people - especially horrible deaths. The really sad things end up….well, validating. It makes us morbid and we want to talk about gross stuff. It can also make us really funny - like the beautiful charm of my dead wife’s thumbprint on a necklace. IT’S A CHERISHED KEEPSAKE! It doesn’t matter that the print was taken posthumously. As the widow, you have to agree with me.
Dr. Bering’s book is a mix of academic research and personal stories. He touches on Baumeister’s stage theory of suicide first described in the 1990 article “Suicide as escape from self.” Dr. Berring applies Baumeister’s stages to the diary of a young woman who died by suicide. On the outside, the young woman appeared successful and happy. On the inside, she was suffering. Her journal entries follow a predictable pattern, describing the downward spiral towards her death.
As you know, suicide is a bit of a soapbox for me. Baumeister’s steps bring order to a chaotic experience. For me, it shifted how I thought of events before Patty died. Instead of thinking of it as a series of choices she made, her death became something that happened to her. Understanding the progressive stages of suicidal thinking makes the process knowable. It doesn’t answer the bigger question of why bad things happen but it’s a start.
To my fellow suicide loss survivors - this doesn’t mean you missed something. Obviously, we did because, you know...but let’s take the young woman as an example. It only became evident to her parents in retrospect. We only see the whole picture once we’ve put the puzzle together. In the middle, there’s not enough information to know anything for sure. However, these stages do provide important information for more effective prevention.
I was trying to think of the perfect blend of dark humor and suicide education. It’s actually not that funny aside from one liners like, “Thanks for your help! I would have asked my wife but dang it, she killed herself,” or “Patty and I had planned to move south for retirement but she retired early.” The best I can do is give you interesting information and hope this helps you understand your loved one. Here’s my interpretation of the stages:
Stage 1: Falling short of Unrealistic Standards
An earthquake event creates what I call the tsunami. Something big happens- bad news, a diagnosis, loss or divorce, or a critical tipping point. It crashes over and overwhelms you. We’ve all had this happen to us. How we deal with it comes down to locus of control - in other words, who gets the blame and responsibility. Generally, everyone is inclined to either believe the world acts upon you (externalizing) or you act upon the world (internalizing). The objective truth lies somewhere in the middle. In the extreme, externalizers point to everyone else as the cause of their misery while internalizers put themselves at risk by hoarding all the blame for themselves.
Stage 2: Attributions of Self
Taking blame and responsibility is power. However, some internalizers also have unrealistically high expectations of themselves. Realistically, sometimes things just happen to us (i.e. the world acts upon us) and there’s no one to blame. An internalizer’s downfall is believing they have more power than they do. Some complex experiences can’t be fixed by one person and internalizing individuals believe this is a personal failure. This is a point of intervention if the person can catch it. Otherwise, it’s the kindling of despair and low self esteem.
Stage 3: Heightened Aversive Self Awareness
Now that the individual has absorbed more blame and responsibility than they can possibly manage, they cannot help fixating on the painful awareness of failures. An unintended result is withdrawing and detaching from the support of friends and family. As these connections are lost, the individual feels trapped inside a thick wall of glass. Unable to receive help or shift to the bigger picture, the individual turns further inward. Without access to perspective and social support, they begin running out of options.
Stage 4: Negative Affect
A downward spiral builds on negativity from the previous stages. The awareness of perceived inadequacies is now excruciating. Coupled with social detachment, the individual feels completely alone with their now unsolvable problems. The pain, endless and unbearable, gradually overwhelms their ability to cope.
Stage 5: Cognitive Deconstruction
Escape from their own mind is the one last, stopgap strategy. Now detached from their internal struggle, the person avoids or rejects the pursuit of answers or meaning. Time slows down as a switch from future thinking to each current moment occurs. “Going through the motions” temporarily numbs painful emotions as the individual distracts from the pain with mindless, concrete functions like chores, simple games, or mundane tasks. Tightly holding back the tide of painful thoughts takes all their emotional energy. Little consideration is given to friends or family and the individual may see themselves as a burden.
Stage 6: Disinhibition
In this last stage, the person can only think in black-or-white. The pain inside the glass prison has no time - no beginning or end. Substance use, careless or risky behaviors, self harm, and social passivity are signs of impaired reasoning. After exhausting all other strategies, the individual concludes it comes down to inescapable pain or death. No one could endure this level of unremitting pain for long. Resigned and accepting their impending death, the individual’s pain tolerance increases and their fear of death crumbles.
Passing through these stages may take months or even days with significant overlap between them. In retrospect, I can see my wife moving quickly through each of these stages over a handful of days. She didn’t know what was happening and neither did we. One of the reasons we don’t always recognize this process is precisely what makes it fundamentally human - the individual is trying to solve their problems. It’s instinctive to seek options to ease our own pain. How can we tell when someone crosses that razor fine line between coping and the downward spiral when it looks the same?
It’s important to understand that a death by suicide is something that happened to your loved one rather than a series of rational choices. Inside the experience of intense pain, time stops, rational thought leaves you and the options narrow. We’re not inside their heads but we can map out the path they took. Consider this: imagine you’ve lost something precious down a deep well. You climb down inside, searching ever deeper for it. You know it’s there but you can’t find it. Darkness falls and now you’re stuck clinging to the wall. How deep is the well? No one hears your cries for help. You’re cold and your muscles are giving out. How long could you hold on?
A reasonable person with perspective does not choose death. Yet as a culture, we still lay blame and responsibility in the dead person’s lap. What we don’t understand, we externalize. They decided to kill themselves, right? This assumption lacks empathy. The raw fact is in a similar situation, we might make the same “choice” as well. Everyone has a limit.
After my wife died, the pain of losing her has been intense and unyielding. I longed to be with her. My own death seemed the only choice to accomplish this goal. If she’d dealt with her pain by running off to Antarctica, I’d want to follow her there. What has protected me from following the path we’ve outlined?
For starters, I see life from a different angle. While I’m an internalizer, I also give the world it’s fair share of responsibility. Sometimes shit just happens and life isn’t fair. As a recovering control freak, I now acknowledge my high need for control - and the limits of it. Most of the time, I control by choosing not to fight.
Our motivations are different as well. What pushed her down the path was a tangle of events she found too complicated to resolve. Similarly, I too have a complicated tangle of grieving her while sorting out the estate, comforting the kids, and making very difficult choices for my life.
One big difference between me and most people is that I never fail. It’s not that I don’t make mistakes, of course; it’s what I do with these adverse experiences. In my mind, they are puzzles to solve. Even as an optimist, I’ve had to work on that mindset. Understanding something is powerful. It also strips away anger. Following knowledge to the root brings clarity. I just don’t feel angry towards my wife because she didn’t choose to leave us. She was trying to relieve a terrible pain with the only methods she knew. She didn’t understand the implications herself.
Right now, I’m solving the puzzle of my wife’s suicide. Even if I get deep in the well of figuring it out, I’ve got my safety rope to climb back up. Another tsunami could easily knock me off right now. The tsunami is the perfect storm. Given the right set of circumstances, we’re each at risk for suicide. Research is still figuring out the puzzle of prevention for now. In the meantime, when the world acts upon you, control by deciding to be vulnerable. And wherever you go, take your own rope.
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