#08/17/23 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

s-the-seething-songbird-2 · 10 months

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Logs for Thomas, Part 2. Log #1

What the fuck, dude? What the actual fuck?

You hate me? ME? For what?

I can't. I can't even-

Okay, let me collect my thoughts while I write all this down because I have a LOT to say and want to be as articulate as possible. I also need to be careful about what I say because the last thing I need is for someone to try being Sherlock Holmes and figure out who I am irl. There probably wouldn't be any true damage done if they did--all of this happened a long time ago, I'm genuinely remorseful, this is very personal to me, and I've worked very hard to be a better person--but it would be annoying.

So let's recap. Shay came back, said she wanted to be friends again. I was suspicious but agreed and profusely apologized for hurting her in the affair all those years ago. She started messaging me every day for a month, and for a little bit, it felt like old times, like all of that horrifying trauma never happened for either of us. She mentioned that she would be okay with you and I talking again as long as I respected her boundaries and promised I wouldn't hurt her like that ever again.

And you WHAT?

Are you kidding me? Are you serious? You'd been wanting to talk to me again for YEARS, and now? I'm so confused, and SO angry. My fingers are shaking as I type this.

We were SO CLOSE to being friends again! What the fuck? I don't get it, I don't understand.

"Yeah, he hates you," she said, smiling. "I'll just be honest, he fucking hates you. He might not want to talk to you again, ever."

I ASKED BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO SAY NO AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE IRRATIONALLY ANXIOUS ABOUT IT ANYMORE. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck!

My whole world shattered. Instantly. I couldn't even breathe. There you were, sitting in that room with her--which I didn't know at first, by the way--and you never want to talk to me again?

God, and I cried on camera. I tried so hard not to because I was afraid of looking weak in the moment, but that destroyed me, Thomas. Granted, it wasn't permanent because I'm still here, but. Fuck, man.

Can you explain to me how your behavior over the past five years has made ANY fucking sense? I can't figure it out. I can't figure either of you out, honestly.

I'm, sorry, I don't want to be an asshole, but really? Really?

My boyfriend seems to think that you don't really hate me, that you really just hate yourself and don't want to face your feelings about how everything went down. I don't know if he's right or not, but it did keep me from going to the hospital that night, so there's that.

My girlfriend seems to agree with him, going on to add that maybe part of the reason I'm still having a hard time letting all of this go is because there were several other traumatic events occurring in my life at the time that you and Shay left me, and that, if I don't heal from those other events, I might not ever be able to let go of this, either.

My therapist agrees that the idea is very insightful, as trauma tends to string together with other trauma in times of crisis.

But what about Shay? I'm so confused, and hurt, and I thought we were doing the right thing! But it didn't matter, because, like you, she fucking left.

Shit, I'm trembling so badly. I need to take my meds, hold on.

And, apparently, she was cussing out Nic in the final messages to us because he was trying to reassure her? What's that about? According to him, he even sent her some info on breathing techniques to help her calm down, and that's how she reacts?

Understandably, it made him pretty mad, and he became protective of the rest of us because he wasn't sure whether or not she was going to say/do anything that would further traumatize us, especially me. Tyson was concerned about this, too, so he suggested that we exited the app and gave her a couple of days to cool off before contacting her again. So, we did. And then, when we opened the app again days later, she was gone. No account, no messages, nothing.

At first, we were unblocked on everything else, so we came to the conclusion that she just temporarily blocked us for the time being, and that we should give her some space, that she'd come around later and apologize.

Then, in the weeks following, slowly, every account we had contact with her on was blocked, and blocked, and blocked.

I'm just. What? I can't make rational sense of it. How could she care so much and then end up hating us all over again?

Maybe that's a bit of an assumption, I don't know. For all I know, she could be in the hospital again.

But Tyson (who I'll sometimes refer to with the nickname "Ty," same person) cares for her so deeply, and so do I, and Jack, and Nic. We didn't really tell anyone else Shay contacted us again because we weren't sure if it would last, and that if it didn't, our whole system would be traumatized all over again. God, I hate being right.

We're so worried about her. The last time she spoke with us, it's become increasingly clear that she wasn't... sound of mind when she reached out to reconcile. It did seem to get worse the longer we talked, too. I think we were so stupidly hopeful that Jack and I ignored the signs without knowing it.

I'm worried about you, too. Jack has mentioned multiple times that he doesn't want to talk to you ever again, and Nic has agreed, but honestly? With enough time? Maybe they would have come around.

But it doesn't matter now. That window of time when you could have come back without needing to hide our friendship from Shay has closed.

At least I got to tell her I was sorry, though. I got some closure from that.

And then I was abandoned again and was so fucked up over it that I needed my meds' dosage increased twofold, BUT! The important thing is that I did what was right.

I want to say more about Shay SO badly because I think she's given me some insight into what's been going on with you two, and I have some theories about what's going on with her specifically, but a) I'm not a doctor, b) I don't want anyone else to find out who SHE is irl and be able to tell other people about a bunch of personal things about her that I doubt she'd be comfortable with me disclosing at all. Which sucks, because if you ever do happen to stumble on this--which I doubt, considering that the first blog of mine was deleted, so the logic follows from your perspective that I wouldn't make another one--I want to offer some advice for how to help her. But, as I've stated, I can't. Not here.

And, yes, I'm aware that whatever ideas I have, there's a good chance you've tried it already. You know her far better than I do, after all, and you can actually see her in person, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't try and help, because I WANT to, Thomas. I want to help you guys. God, you have no idea how badly I wish I could offer support or something. I hate that y'all are suffering, and there's nothing I can do to help. I've learned so much over the years, and have done a staggering amount of research--did you know that research into mental health has never been more prevalent in all of human civilization than it is now?--and am very confident that I could be helpful somehow, if only to point you in the right direction for cost-effective treatment. But, of course, if you guys never accept it, I've done all I can do.

Also, what do you hate me for? I'm so confused. Is it because I blocked you on Instagram? You remember why I did that, right? Because I set a boundary that I didn't want to hear from you again until you could do so without the need to be secretive about it? And you violated that boundary? Several times? The last one having such a profound impact on me that my partners asked me to go no contact with you?

And then when you had the opportunity to form a normal, genuine, honest friendship with me again for the first time since all hell broke loose, you did NOTHING?

I'm so... disappointed in you. And so hurt. And I just. God, I wish I didn't care anymore. I wish I could stop feeling anything about this. And yet, here I am!

At least things aren't too mentally bad for me. Heaven and I reintegrated a while back once she accepted reality, and I think that was an important step in my recovery. But that also means that this. shit. fucking. HURTS.

I feel so pathetic. I've done EMDR, I'm in the middle of a DBT workbook, I've processed how ALL of this has made me feel over the years with friends, family, mental health professionals, crisis line volunteers, and it. Still. Hurts. At least now, I can live like a normal person most days.

Do I come to the conclusion that you just don't care about my feelings anymore? You don't care if what you do hurts people? You won't take responsibility for your actions and be mature about this? You're going to be holding this baggage for years to come? Do I conclude that I've simply outgrown you?

Well, no. Because I can't. I care about you too much. I have to believe that there's some benign explanation behind all of this.

But I looked at the old thumbdrive that I put all of our conversations on (because I couldn't look at any of it anymore without being reminded of everything, and I usually have a bad brain day when that happens, but I also couldn't being myself to delete it), and I've noticed some interesting patterns.

You'd return out of nowhere, when I was least expecting it.

You'd usually return in the mornings, only to block us and disappear again during nighttime, regardless of how long you'd stay.

The tone of your words was almost never consistent from previous times you returned. In some, you'd be chipper and lighthearted, and in others, you were morose and nihilistic, and in the rest, you were just... downright mean to me.

The second our conversations became uncomfortable in any way, including or especially when I pointed out how certain things you've done hurt me, you'd leave again pretty much immediately.

Are you just angry at me because my Tumblr was deleted? Because I did not do that. Tumblr did. (They were upset that I was shittalking Manscaped, a huge sponsor of theirs a while ago. Apparently making fun of frequent and pervy advertising qualifies as "harassment". But I won't do that again, I've learned my lesson, blah blah blah.) I became so upset with Tumblr for a while that I was refusing to rejoin, and it's not like I was able to message you to explain why my blog disappeared in the first place. Because I'm blocked everywhere.

I think what angers me most about this is that I STILL don't know the whole story. So many questions remain unanswered, and they probably will indefinitely. Worse yet, I have a feeling that it's partly because there are some answers that I really don't want to know. Jesus, this would be the worst film noire ever.

You know what, though? That's life. Life is full of unanswered questions. And the answers you DO get just keep hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting. I suppose part of learning how to be a healthy, functional member of society is accepting that.

And, actually, I think I was wrong when I said that it's the unsolved questions that anger me most. Because, again, looking through our old conversations and comparing them with what our exchanges were like during the affair, it struck me how different they were. How could you go from so caring, compassionate, empathetic, and honest to cold, callous, vague, and rude? Especially because you KNEW how deeply your words mattered to me, and how they would affect me. Because I told you. I told you over and over, and you either forgot, didn't listen, or actively used my mental illness against me. I don't know which one scares me the most.

But, yeah, if you wanted to know why I said no when Shay suggested I speak to you face to face, it's because I know enough about myself now that if you would have said one mean thing to me--hell, if I so much as got the impression that you breathed in a disapproving way--I absolutely would have ended up in a psyche ward. It didn't help that, after Shay told me you hated me, I starting having one of the worst panic attacks of my life, and I just had to sit there like I was just sad and not at all freaking the fuck out, feeling like I was going to die.

You know what, though? I would never do this to someone. I would never promise them all these wonderful things, not follow through, and then abandon them. And then come back, and then abandon them again. And then do it at LEAST seven more times. And then, when a stable connection is finally available, just say, "fuck it" and leave them to their own devices.

That's why I'm so scared to talk to you again. Because I know you'll just leave, but I'll lie to myself that you really mean it this time, that things will be different, but they won't. And my fear of abandonment will only worsen the next time it happens. If you had asked me years ago if talking to you on occasion was worth it, even if it was unstable, and I had no idea if I'd still find you there in the morning, I would have said yes, a thousand times yes. But even when you WERE here, I was constantly scared that if I said the wrong thing, you'd get mad at me and leave again to punish me for it. And, sure, I know that probably wasn't your intent, but that's pretty much what it felt like.

Did you know that I've had mental breakdowns in the middle of shifts at work? Do you know how much more trauma I've been through over these past few years, and how desperately I wished you were there for me, but I knew deep down that I would never be able to rely on you in that way? Do you know that my boyfriend almost died a couple years ago? Do you know how little I recognize my dad anymore because of what conspiracy theories have done to his mind? Do you know that, one time, when you came back for about fifteen minutes before telling me, "I hope you find help" before blocking me again, I was at the airport, and had just sent my little sister through the gate and leave to Pennsylvania again without me, knowing she was going home to more abuse, and there was nothing I could do to stop it? Did you know that my "m*m" tried to get me arrested? Did you know that my old drug dealer showed up at my school, and I feared for my life walking to class? Where were you? Where the FUCK were you then, asshole?

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm going to take a deep breath. Yelling at you isn't going to help anything.

I'm just so angry that I'm still struggling with this after all this time. Most people in my life don't know; they tend to see me as strong, confident, and even a bit charismatic at times! They don't know to what extent this has taken a toll on me and my mental health. I'm so fucked up, Thomas. I'm terrified this has fucked me up for good.

-S

#logs for thomas #08/17/23

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bacchuschucklefuck · 13 days

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soon it'll be dawn again

transcript under the cut ⏬

page 01

Fig: no way? - you're still up?

Riz: Wh– yes?

Riz: Why'd I not be.

page 02

Fig: I me~~ean - that took.

Fig: whole day.

Riz: Yeah?

Fig: 'm beat.

Riz: you should sleep.

page 03

Fig: nah. my guy's still up

Fig: I wanna hang out.

page 04

Riz: That's really nice.

Fig: Hah! - Nobody ever expects an Archdevil rockstar to be nice.

Riz: … yeah. - 's just budget work tho. (the stuff I'm working on) - I've heard it's boring.

page 05

Fig: yeah, but you do it…

Riz: It keeps things going, right? - Nothing happens if nobody sits down and - does the thing.

Fig: That's right… - though. Yeah.

page 06

Fig: sometimes it's someone else who - doesn't want the same thing to happen.

Riz: … - mm.

page 07

Riz (off screen): …It took me a long time to get that not everyone likes doing what I do. - 's probably because you guys are so nice– - or. - kind.

Riz (off screen): to anyone too, not just. - the people you /love/.

page 08

Riz: that's not how it is elsewhere. - The world's– not. hostile. - but 's not like it's kind.

Riz: So I'm doing as much as I can now…

page 09

Fig: Hey.

Riz: ?

Fig: Go dig some dirt with me.

page 10

Riz: [blank speech bubble] - oh you meant like - actual dirt. (not incriminating information)

Fig: o yea.

Fig: there's clay in the backyard soil. - sometimes when I'm sun deficient or something I go touch dirt for a bit.

page 11

Fig: here u go

page 12

Riz: uh

Fig: now we make a thing! - 'm pretty good at freehanding a bowl.

Fig: I'll show u

page 13

Fig: just– yep, flatten that out as evenly as u can, then–! - actually ur nails'd be so good at cutting out the strip. [larger than usual space] wait. - wait. wait u can carve patterns with them! we HAVE to try

Riz: uh - What. do I carve?

Fig: anything!!!

page 14

Fig: and– yep just seal the inside uh. seam?

Fig: yep that works - okay time's up! all contestant hands up

Riz: [blank speech bubble] - okay - wh. what's next?

Fig: haha - watch this.

(sound effect text): FWOO—MP

page 15

Riz: WH– DON'T JUST DO THAT???

Fig: Now it's fired!

Riz: THAT WAS NOT SAFE

Fig: (actually it's just dry. if u add water rn it'll dissolve)

Fig: ok catch!

Riz: [blank speech bubble] - careful!!

Fig: dw no need haha

page 16

Riz (thought bubble): oh - it's warm…

Fig: now I want you to throw this.

page 17

Fig: u gotta do it - c'mon

page 18

Riz: wh– - It's like 3AM right now

Fig: oh it's not /fired/ fired it's not gonna make a loud noise

Riz: And then just? leave a pile out here?

Fig: pour water over it & it'll be gone I told u

Riz: but

page 19

Fig (off screen): RIz.

page 20

Fig: I've done all this before.

Fig: Can you trust that at least?

page 21

Riz: no, I– - I do. - I trust you.

page 23

Riz: okay what happens now

(sound effect text): glob

page 24

Fig: we do it again!

page 25

Riz: wh. [larger than usual space] What do you mean. (this clay's too wet also)

Fig: see! you're already learning

Fig: [blank speech bubble] - there are flows that are futile to fight. - The world changes.

Fig: Things change.

page 26

Fig: I've learned my lessons with "forevers". - But - as an artist

Fig: I can give you one thing: - You can always do it again.

page 27

Fig: most of everything depends on the rest of the world, - but this. - making new. - that's yours as long as you want it.

page 28

Fig: So?

page 29

Riz: Yeah. - Yeah! - let's make another one.

#dimension 20 #fantasy high junior year #fhjy #riz gukgak #figueroth faeth #technically no spoilers in this comic but listen. I Will be gloating in tags. I will Never Shut Up #for the record!! this was fully conceptualized and sketched Before the finales. I started sketching this after the boat fight #and when murph closed riz's arc this season with ''maybe it's okay to change and welcome new things'' I pogged irl #I am simply the best at reading comprehension what can I say! (<- grown ass man with roughly the same perspective on teenhood as the player #fucked up that this became so long (almost 30 squares lol) that it took me this long to finish #lmao I say all that but. genuinely I am delirious and my feelings abt riz's arc this season are so big... I was getting psychic backlash #for a While lol. it was scary!!#had to sit down and do therapy on my own ass for a bit. the teenage apocalyticisation is real. that word isnt tho Im pretty sure #truly anything you do at that age feels like that's it that's all you've got going on forever. and its not true! its simply not true #you'll be okay my guy. you love your friends so so much but also there will be more to love out there #this one goes out to fellow aroaces and also folks leaving somewhere theyve called home for a long time #nothing lasts forever but that means new things come by too! ur ability to make new is infinite!!#there's no magnum opus people leave but new people come by too etc. I am too sleepy to remember what I wanted to say uhhh #well. thank u for looking at my art. I think thats the one pack it n ship it boys

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