#-> complete acceptance. (i am here)
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"Stop saying Crowley won't help Aziraphale in S3 he'd go back to him in a HEARTBEAT and nothing would stop him" I get it no one likes the idea of Crowley being bitter after what happened for a long period of time but like can we at least acknowledge that he's currently going through probably the most emotional pain in his life since falling? Can we agree that he's opened his heart entirely - something you couldn't pay him to do unless the world is literally ending and he's desperate - to Aziraphale, and got shot down? Can we understand that he did it AGAIN only to lose Aziraphale again? Not that what Aziraphale did isn't without Crowley's own shortcomings (hiding the truth of Heaven's cruelty from him) but like,,,,
The appeal here isn't Scorned Crowley Doesn't Love Aziraphale Anymore, or Never Wants To Help Him Again, the appeal here is Crowley learning enough self respect to not just walk back right to Aziraphale like nothing happened after Aziraphale has had a pattern of consistently refusing him. Going years ping-ponging between "We're not friends I don't even know him" to "That's what friends are for right?" and "We're friends, why would you even say anything?" and "Friends? We're not friends. We are an angel and a demon!"
Like I get it, Crowley is a heartbreakingly forgiving person. Of course he's gonna forgive Aziraphale, I'll be surprised if he didn't forgive him by the time he walked out the bookshop door, but gdi he could at least grant himself the luxury of being at least a little irritated for longer than however long it takes to make a globe and some books float and angrily cry out to God in his flat. But due to the change of pace and dynamic that is establishing part of the conflict for Season 3, I just really like the idea of him for ONCE prioritizing himself and being like "Okay, fine. We'll get back at it when you're ready, then," instead of just taking Aziraphale back like his words and actions meant nothing to him, when clearly they have an effect on him.
What is Aziraphale going to learn if Crowley just accepts what he did so quickly, like he always has the entire time they've been friends? Idk maybe I'm just projecting too much darkness on their dynamic but I mean, if the pattern of Aziraphale pushing Crowley away/disrespecting him one day and then being fine with his friendship the next + Crowley never stopping to be like "Hey, that's not cool, at least give me a little credit" or smth was fine all along and will continue to be fine in the future, then why, after 6,000 years of being friends and loving this demon, can Aziraphale still not accept that Crowley is just fine the way he is, and instead got excited to promote him to an angel in a heartbeat once the opportunity presented itself? You can't blame all of it on Heaven when Aziraphale has demonstrated his free will/defiance to Heaven so many times. Or, I don't know, I guess maybe we can? Maybe I'm just craving too much angst to the point where I'm letting it cloud my analysis of canon. Idk.
#derpy speaks#good omens#good omens 2#no i dont think crowley is gonna ever hate aziraphale for what happened but he's allowed to be angry#he's allowed to be done with it all. he's allowed to be exhausted. just look at his face when he drives away.#meh. idk. but i dont know how i'll feel if crowley just INSTANTLY accepts aziraphale back in a situation involving#idk - ''hey help me stop the new apocalypse''#at least. without like. SOME pushback? it can even be something small like ''are you SURE you want ME to help you? do you really need me?''#doesnt have to be a straight refusal but i'd like SOME kind of action to show that crowley is putting his foot down for once#he deserves that self respect#do NOT reply saying that im insinuating that aziraphale is actively malicious or doing it on purpose.#everything he has done up until now is his own complicated response to all the trauma and guilt he's been through#but despite that crowley is STILL allowed to be upset... it's messy. i can write a whole paper about how this whole thing#is just unfortunate on both ends. again. we didnt get queerbaited we got communication baited 😭#but help me out here. am i just too fandom-brained to have these expectations from the story?#is there something obvious im missing that is making me sound like a complete asshole here? do i need to get my head out of the gutter?#someone please explain it to me if so because whatever it is‚ i can't find it#not queued
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has the huggable twee irritation always been a Thing or did it evolve in response to like, "you're not ugly. i'd fuck you" type comments? like in your personal experience
god, I'm not well spoken enough to describe it exactly the way it Registers In My Brain... but like. It's not the "you're not ugly, I'd fuck you" genre, and that type of comment is so easy to immediately dismiss because it always comes from a certain type of man, and it's like yeah yeah, I could throw a sandwich and you'd fuck it before it hit the floor. But also, that one's so specific, it's a bottom-of-the-barrel "compliment" that dudes will give when a woman has actively said something about feeling like she's unattractive.
The HUGGABLE THING. The oooh squishy marshmallow somft huggable mom shaped 🥺🥰 She looks like she gives GREAT HUGS. Those comments are UNPROMPTED. I'm immediately like. Every keyword you say, I kill another hostage. I will blow up this whole building and everyone in it.
Because it is SO FUCKING WEIRD. And I have heard it one million times. And I see it on every drawing of a character who's even remotely plus sized. These comments would not fly for a thinner person, they'd be rightfully received as weird. People aren't gonna comment on a picture of Ariana Grande going omg she's sooo huggable mom friend shaped. WHAT.
Simultaneously are desexualized and sanitized to a weird degree in that uwu language way, WHILE also being creepy. Like, why are you describing what you think I'd feel like if you hugged me? Like the only positive thing you can think of to say is that I look like I have some give. As strangers. I'm not going to hug you, I think you're a creep and I think you're giving yourself a big pat on the back for complimenting a fat person. What are we doing I'm arguing at the air. Where am I
And you're just supposed to go oh thank you that's so nice, because as a fat person, you gotta take whatever compliment you get, even if it is actually not a compliment. And that's the thing, there are SO MANY ACTUAL COMPLIMENTS TO PICK FROM. But people settle on huggable and somft. Was this person pretty? Were they hot? You could say gorgeous? Handsome, beautiful? Elegant? Stunning? Sharp? Sexy? Stylish? Are you trying to say that you're attracted to this person's body? Are we being horny? Do you think they just look nice in general? Can't we think of anything else to say? Or are we just gonna sit here and say they fuckin look like Santa Claus. Huggable like a pillow. Girl what the fuck
#every time I see or hear it my eyes roll so far back in my head that I can look at my thoughts#I accepted about a thousand of these compliments as haha thank you before I gave up on pretending I think it's a compliment at all#people say this shit ALL THE TIME and I KNOWWWWWWWWWW I'm not the only bitch who hates it.#I hear this from others too. I'm not completely insane right here#or maybe I am. FUCK AUGH#can someone explain it BETTER AND LESS LENGTHY#sergle answers#People don't say any of the outdated plus sized compliments anymore either. you only hear them from old men#Like I would rather be called full figured or curvaceous or a whole lotta woman before I get called MOM FRIEND SHAPED???????????????#what's that post.I'm going to kill myself in front of you and forever change the trajectory of your life#It would be different to be described as soft by like a partner. combined with compliment-compliments. like yeah you OBVIOUSLY know#what I feel like
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I can't stop thinking of Kyanako's Order of Attack au... there's something so moving to me about how things getting so much worse could be what finally causes Amane to get better -- seeing Fuuta dying may be the final straw of getting her to rethink her rejection of medicine. Been a while since I've attempted something whump-y, this was fun to work with.
Tw for mentions/contemplation of death. I don't go into detail about the cult but the doctrines are implied through it all.
Fuuta was not a big fan of dying.
When he imagined his own death, he always pictured it as something dramatic and fast. Action heroes going out in a show of explosions and gunfire. Fantasy characters meeting the shining end of a blade. Even when he accepted his place in Milgram, it filled his mind with images of gallows and electric chairs.
Whatever this slow, lengthy fever was, it was pissing him off.
He’d lost all sense of time. He could no longer tell which hour the prison bells were marking -- morning and night blended together. Dreaming and waking blended together. His head injury and broken leg and broken bones blended together. It was all just pain at the end of the day. He had nonstop visitors that kept him awake and asked him too many questions and prodded his injuries and made his head spin. Somehow, he was simultaneously alone every time he rolled over to talk to someone. Painfully, suffocatingly alone.
If Kotoko was going to kill him with those ridiculous emo boots of hers, she should have just done it. He was losing his mind here: devoid of all energy, suffering through broken bones and a cracked head, and boiling in an increasingly fiery fever. Maybe that was the reason he stopped commenting when he watched Amane pocket the medicine Shidou had left him. Maybe that was why he’d stopped following Shidou’s instructions himself. Even after losing an eye and taking a beating herself, Amane always looked at peace. He was tired of dealing with all of this. He wanted a bit of that peace.
Regardless of why, it was working. His fever had quickly gone from the biggest pain in his ass to the very thing that dulled his racing thoughts.
He awoke suddenly, or maybe he’d already been awake. He couldn’t feel anything in his limbs. There was only a breathless heat around him. He raised himself into a sitting position, looking for a drink. Moving his head felt like one of those glitching computer windows that leaves a trail of copies behind it. The room swam around him. His eyes moved absently around him.
Fuuta picked up the glass that someone had left him. His fingers were clumsy, and it immediately went crashing to the ground. He hardly heard the noise as it broke apart on the concrete below.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed. He’d just go get a drink himself. Shidou told him not to get up without help. But what did he know? Thinking of the man ordering him around only drove Fuuta to step out of bed even quicker. He cried out, pain shooting through his leg. That was right, it was broken…
Fuuta looked down, finding himself on the ground. It was so hot. Maybe this is what she felt, he thought numbly. Was it this slow for her too? Probably not. She had no regrets to fill the time like he did. The heroes got quick, beautiful deaths, and it was the villains who had to suffer the long ones.
He lifted his right palm from where it had caught his fall. The shattered glass on the floor had cut into it. Shattered glass? What had broken? He stared blankly at the blood dripping down.
He didn’t have the strength to raise himself up. He was burning. Why was he on the ground? Was he bleeding? He could barely breathe. What was he doing here, anyway? He just wanted to curl up and sleep. He was so weak... just to lie down... he wouldn't have the strength to get back up again. Was that such a bad thing...?
A voice caught his attention. His eyes struggled to focus on the figure who’d come running into the cell. He couldn’t understand a word of what she was saying, but he was happy when she pressed her cool little hands against his forehead.
He allowed her to prop him up next to the bed. She held onto his hand, squeezing it tight. Why was she holding it like that? That hand was bleeding. When did that happen?
Her arms wrapped tightly around him. He wanted to shove her away -- it was too hot -- but couldn’t. In his ear, he could make out her words. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, Fuuta. Don’t leave me alone. I’m so sorry...”
As she pulled back, he recognized Amane. Her uninjured eye was filled with tears. Was she upset? He thought he’d been making her happy. He wanted to keep making her happy. He’d never made anyone happy before.
He opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out. They all scrambled up in his mouth. He felt the cell swirling around him.
Amane raised her voice. She looked desperately upwards. “This can’t be --! This isn’t right!”
Fuuta looked up at the ceiling. There was nothing there.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
She continued talking. Fuuta was too busy studying the ceiling. She was shouting. Or maybe crying. Fuuta didn’t like that she was so upset. Huh, had there been someone there? He surveyed the empty cell. What was he doing on the ground?
He looked down at his hand. The sheet from his bed had been pulled down and wrapped hastily around it. Why? His eyes felt sticky as he blinked. Everything hurt. It was so hot. What was going on? He was so angry. He was so scared. He wanted to cry. Why was he here? Why couldn’t he just hurry up and die already?
The next time she entered, Fuuta recognized Amane instantly. Her one hand pointed to him, the other held onto someone else. The second figure hurried over to him.
Fuuta was not a big fan of dying. Shidou reassured him he wouldn’t.
—
“You’re wearing the eyepatch,” Fuuta observed.
He was playing a dangerous game, drawing attention to it like that. He was too exhausted, and his curiosity won out over his better judgment. If Amane was going to explode with one of her typical speeches, he’d just let her.
She didn’t.
Amane’s hand drifted up to her eye. It had been hastily covered before, but now it was cleaned and wrapped in professional-grade materials. She simply said, “Kajiyama Fuuta. How do you feel?”
“Like shit.”
“But--”
“-- But I’m better, yeah.”
Amane nodded, her shoulders releasing.
“Oi, I haven’t seen you in a while. Not since…” He wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence. Shidou had told him what happened, but it was difficult to believe. He couldn’t quite trust his own memory of the night. No matter how much clearer his mind felt since receiving proper treatment, those days of fever still muddled together. He heard that Amane had up and switched her beliefs overnight -- she was now complacent about all of Shidou's treatments -- but Fuuta knew people didn't just change like that. He wanted to hear it for himself.
She lowered her gaze in shame. “I… I thought you hated me.” Her voice was steady. “As you should. I almost killed you. I accept any ill will you may feel.”
“I -- what? You’re wrong. You… it wasn’t…” He grabbed his head, grunting in frustration.
After standing awkwardly in the entryway the whole time, Amane took a few steps inside. She made it to his bedside when he finally collected his thoughts.
“It was your fucked up family or whatever that caused everything. They did this. And I went along and made things worse.” He looked away. His next words felt stupid to say to a little kid. He felt like the most pathetic, weak, loser. But it was too important not to say.
“They almost killed me. You saved me.”
#milgram#fuuta kajiyama#amane momose#i am emotional about them!!!#my other drabble between them hinted that fuuta would convince her away from her dangerous beliefs before things got too bad#but i wanted to see what would happen if things Did get bad ya know#we were talking about what could convince amane to think twice about the medicine ban (if anything)#and i think seeing her closest friend is literally on deaths door finally gets through to her#shes sees him weak and bloody and completely out of it and knows this is Wrong#i dont know how long it takes fuuta to realize that it really was all for him that she changed but he does accept it eventually#it helps both of them grow#he feels worth saving (and therefore worth turning his life around) and she is freer from her cult#not completely#but one step at a time#tried to make fuutas narration simpler and shorter to reflect his thoughts but idk if that worked#i thought they were going to do a lot of stuff with mahirus head injury and memory but they never did- i played around with that a bit here#i thought about writing out amanes monologue to her god about how shes not doing this anymore but 1. its more dramatic to leave that to#the imagination and 2. idk if its silly but some things are so personal for a character and i dont wanna intrude... like yeah its my#story but thats between her and god fr#drabbles#tw cults#tw child abuse
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Should I tag you or just mention your name when I post my hospital Dirk fanart?
oh tag it, I would like to see... can't guarantee a response but I do like to see when people make such things it makes me quite happy....
#ask#i haven't drawn dirk in so long. made this just for you...#btw if you've ever atted me with dear dirk art and i didn't respond please accept my humblest apologies#sometimes things enter my notifs and I think to myself that is quite awesome. I will interact with it when I'm home from work. etc.#and then it has evaporated from my mind completely by the time shift is over#and I will keep remembering it recurrently and think to myself oh surely this time. i will remember after finishing this task.#and then never do#so don't get sad if I don't interact I probably saw it an loved it. I just was not built for social media lyfe#also I am quite busy working on ''original'' projects I am not as present on here as I used to be#very excited about it excited to share....
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I do not think violence being "less personal" makes it any less depraved or evil. I refuse to concede to the idea that killing someone by bombing them is any less murderous than shooting them point blank. The idea of bombing someone to death should produce just as visceral reaction as slitting their throat does.
We should view killing someone from a distance, from relative safety, as just as depraved, visceral, shocking and violent as killing someone from close proximity. This idea that it is somehow less violent to bomb someone than it is to stab them only serves to justify and excuse massacres, and we need to be willing to challenge it. It is a way to paint the violence of the powerful as less severe than the violence of the powerless - even when the body counts are much higher.
Bombings are not sterile or impersonal, they are violent, they are gruesome, they are horrific. Casualties are not "collateral damage", they are inescapable and intended consequences. Being able to distance yourself from the violence you commit does not make you a better person.
#yes killing a baby by shooting or stabbing or burning them is violent and horrible#and i am not here to argue to what extent h4m4s has done that#because even if it WAS true that they had beheaded 40 babies#i completely reject the idea that doing that is morally worse than the IOF killing babies by bombing them#i will not accept the idea that bombing babies is less depraved than killing them through any other means#behind every single air strike there is a calculation of likelihood of civilian casualties. and those who orchestrate air strikes knowing#there is a high likelihood or complete certainty of civilian casualties#is just as fucking depraved as someone who shoots someone else in the head.#they do not deserve to sleep any better. they are no less murderous. they are no less guilty.
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Dear Star Wars Fans
It's Hot Take time with El.
I am sooooooo fucking sick of seeing these "Weh, Star Wars sucks now posts" or "Disney keeps putting out the bad stuff and is RUINING MY CHILDHOOD" posts.
It's legitimately like I'm being transported back to the '90s/early 2000s forums where endless fanboys were whinging over Lucus ruining Star Wars with the prequels. And BTW, they have not stopped in the past 20 years. They will continue to be pedantic and toxic and generally pessimistic about everything.
So to come to Tumblr and see that same mentality being shoveled about like three pounds of horseshit that cross my dash at least once a day. And well, I'm grumpy enough this afternoon to go off.
Hot Take Point One: Just because YOU don't like a show or a series doesn't mean your opinion is the majority. There is someone out there who loves the season you're proclaiming is the worst thing ever. That character you detest is someone's special blorbo and the ship you despise is someone's OTP. And that is okay; their tastes are entirely valid, and your experience is not universal. You are not a peerless bastion of flawless good taste and the supreme authority on Star Wars.
How do I know this? Cause you're on this hellsite and you like Star Wars.
I'm not naive enough to expect people to not bitch about and complain about things they don't like, and honestly, you're allowed to do that. I encourage you to do it. I want people to keep in the back of their minds that it's their opinion and that it's not universal. And their opinion is no better than another person's. Even someone who you think has a shitty opinion or ships something 'problematic'. If you're going to proclaim someone else has dogshit taste, I would encourage you to look into the mirror and realize someone else thinks your tastes are dogshit as well. And fuck right off with canon is the only real and valid opinion. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES DISNEY HAS CHANGED CANON? They can't make up their fucking minds; nothing is set in stone, so just enjoy what you enjoy and let other people enjoy what they want. We're all here because we supposedly love this fandom, right? I feel like people have lost sight of that point. We're supposed to love Star Wars, and it should bring us together as a fandom, not tear us apart. But that's a rant for another day.
Hot Take Point Two: Have a little appreciation and respect for the people working on these shows. Unless you are in the industry or working on said show, you probably don't understand the amount of work, effort, blood, sweat, and tears that goes into making these things. Some of these people grew up dreaming about working on a Star Wars IP. This is probably a dream come true for a lot of people working on these shows, and you're pissing all over those dreams for popularity points on the internet like this is fucking Reddit, and you're farming for upvotes. No, it's not perfect; yes, there are going to be shitty VFX and cringe as fuck dialogue.
It's not perfect, but they do their best with what they get handed. We had a saying in my old print shop, you can only shine up a turd so much. aka you take the shit you are given and you try and make it as polished and pretty as you can but at the end of the day you're working with the shit you were given. And I'm not saying these series are criticism proof or that you're not allowed to ridicule some of the terrible bad choices made.
I will go to my grave ranting about the ridiculous batshittery of fucking jetpack jousting in Mando S3.
Hot Take Point Three: I will also argue that there are good elements in every new Star Wars IP released by House of Mouse. Yes, even the one you hate down the cockles of your black heart. I challenge you to shut out the noise from Tumblr, the bandwagon hating on something, and go in trying to find something you enjoy in a season or an episode. Find, say, 5 things you enjoy or a character (even a cringy one) or a set piece you visually find interesting. Maybe a funny joke or even a special effect so ridiculously stupid you can't help but laugh. (I'm looking at you Ahsoka fighting god damn fighters with a lightsaber while on top of the Ghost zooming around at full cruising speed. It's so utterly preposterous I can't help but laugh and shake my head all at the same time.)
You don't have to post about it or speak about it to anyone don't worry your friends don't need to know you might secretly enjoyed something you all 'hated'. Though I would also challenge you to actually speak about it as well because...hear me out here, you might find NEW PEOPLE who enjoyed those same things you might make more friends in the fandom, shocking I know.
But just trying to FIND a positive thing in a show will give you a slightly more balanced relationship with how you consume it. Honestly, that's just general life advice you should try and take to heart. That's a freebie from your old Auntie El there.
It's so easy to be a negative, pedantic fan who hates what we claim to love. But by making the conscious choice to find something good in this so-called pile of shit in front of you, maybe your relationship with the IP will be a happier one. If nothing else, you'll perhaps get sparked and remember what made you love Star Wars so much in the first place.
So yeah, keep in mind your experience is not universal, even if you hate it, respect the time and effort it took to make it and try and find what sparked joy in you in the first place when interacting with the media.
Oh, one other thing? 20 years from now? You're prolly going to look back on these shows you hate and find yourself nostalgic and maybe even a little apologetic for how much you dogged on this stuff because there will be a whole new cycle of brand new IP people are creating where people are proclaiming THAT is the worst shit ever made and they don't make Star Wars content like they used to.
Cause that's just the human condition, and as someone who has been in this fandom for thirty years? I've seen that cycle replayed multiple times. We love the Prequels now, but twenty years ago, everyone hated them and thought they were ruining Star Wars. It doesn't get worse, it doesn't get better; we just grow older and learn to have a new perspective and learn to interact with the fandom in different ways.
I'm just begging you, please stop being negative, toxicly pedantic fans who just sit there tearing down everything and learn to interact with the thing you claim to love with...actual love.
#el's hot takes#this has been a rant#toxic fandom#star wars fandom toxicity#I'm preparing myself to be read to filth in my own notes#please come prove my point about fandom toxicity by telling me what a fucking idiot I am in the notes below#as a genuine fandom elder who has been interacting with this fandom for longer than some people here have been alive my goat has been got#also I am fully willing to accept my opinions are dogshit as well#and I'm completely wrong
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Girls who never mean what they say girls who are always lying girls who suffer because life is exactly as Kierkegaard described. It can only be observed in reverse, but it must be lived in forward, girls who don’t understand themselves girls who don’t know what they want girls who don’t know what they’re saying girls who don’t understand the implications of their choices until it is too late and they can never go home. They can never go home. You can never go home again girls who are alone because it is impossible to be themselves because they do not know themselves and they cannot know themselves because ‘themselves’ are their own enigma that invades even their own mind, because they are changing with the wind, because there was nothing constant about them except her inconsistency, because there is nothing there, there is only in substance the unsubstantial. There is nothing there. There is a gas there is a void. She is a void. You think she is twisting you. You think she is hurting you, but she does not exist. She does not know her self. She does not know enough about any of this to decide she is lost too.
#m#poems?#I should say here that this poem says ‘girls’ only because I am girls#and because I keep seeing posts that say ‘girls who…’ or ‘she’s a ten when….’ and it’s been rattling around my brain#when I say girls it’s gnc#genderless and completely accepting#also terfs go fuck yourselves#not for you#girls is a state of mind
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sitting here wondering if the by|er fandom's resistance to AU fics is because for many this is their first time in fandom or if they just really Do like the canon plot of stranger things that much 🤔 hmmmmm..
#i was going thru my old ass bookmarks n jus cackling at how the Biggest fics in my previous fandoms were ALWAYS au that had#absolutely nothing at all to do with canon and literally no proximity to it whatsoever they were just in a completely different situation#and then here it's like .... very much not that way. some AU writers have a small and dedicated following but overall it seems like people#mostly prefer canon and canon continuation at college and such#which is fine! but it's like omg ... trying to rec au fics sometimes feels like trying to make a raccoon with rabies drink water#and it jus is so funny to me bc ive never experienced tht n realistically i have come to Accept this but still every time#thts reaffirmed i go thru a 'HUH?! 😳🤨' culture shock moment before i remember where i am bdhhshfndbdhdhd#like. i am Not going to expose myself bt i remember being in a fandom for characters that were not even american#and yet the Biggest fic that Everyone And Their Mother knew and revered was a sweet home alabama au. LIKE SHSBDJSJSNHSKSKS#it jus makes me giggle.#but speaking of that au...... HMMMMMMM..... THAT ONE /WOULD/ WORK SO PERFECTLY FOR BY//LER WOULD IT NOT.... 😳📝 HMMMMMMM !!!!!!!#many thotz 2 be thunk ....
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the way we handle medical leave in the states even for people with good benefits is cruel
#the number of hoops i have to jump through. the way that my requirements for one surgery are apparently different from another surgery#even though there's nothing in the paperwork to indicate any need for that and the surgeries don't differ all that much#the way that they lost my initial letter and now i'm up against my deadline next week and they haven't even told me what day next week#so i'm worried that it's literally tomorrow#the way i am not receiving ANY pay for an entire month because of all the delays so i'm having to live off my savings#the way that every single person i've talked to has said something different about what is and isn't required#the way that for a lot of this i had to be navigating it while high on painkillers immediately post-surgery#the way that the group my employer contracts through has two different emails and names and flips between them constantly#the way that my healthcare provider does it differently than every other healthcare provider so i need special forms from them#instead of the leave group but then the leave group doesn't seem to accept the forms that they send#the way that the doctors office has seemed incredibly confused by my requests#the way that the ROI office told me they'd send over a completed form and never did#the way i literally don't even know who to call next to try and sort this out or if it's possible TO sort out#like i guess i'll call the leave group tomorrow and cry and beg for an extension. i guess i'll grovel bc it's the difference#of getting a few thousand dollars or not and i can't just be like oh well guess i won't get my short term disability pay#especially bc none of the hospitals have billed me yet and i'm getting scared bc i don't know what my ER bill is going to look like#bc they did xrays and a CT scan and they gave me a splint and a sling and a lot of drugs#so i do need the money. just sitting here like. idek what to do lmfao.#not tagging this bc i'm on desktop and i can't do the accent mark easily and idk where my phone is rn sorry
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This sorrow that I hold continues, though it takes a new form.
#me#i am afraid if i am to accept the potential of her presence that i will hurt myself worse than i have been hurt by her absence.#i am terrified to intersct with a figment of my own imagination as if she were real only for her to disolve in my arms like a dust#i miss her so dearly and so completely but simply missing her was better thsn this#at least when i simply missed her there was no question#she was not with me and i had to cope. but this? she may be here#she may not be#and i have to worry if she will be ripped from my hands once more rsther than be able to accept that we can never be reunited#i worry#i miss her#i want my love
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ok actually i went on to read chapter 3 of multiple bullets
i fucking HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE the way the women are drawn. this has made me sorely aware of how LITTLE fanservice there is in trigun, bc whoever this guest artist is, they drew... way too fucking much. too many Pert Tits and weird ass shots and this entire thing about a child????? hello??????
the discussion of the metaphysics to plant production is interesting though.
because it really is an important note that plants generating matter goes against the fundamental laws of physics. i'm not sure how much i ascribe to the idea of "negative matter", ESPECIALLY in the form of some weird plant baby...
but then there's the assertion that This is how independent plants are born. "A plant child like Knives and I."
i don't know enough about physics to comment on how theoretically possible that "oscillation in empty space" thing is. "planckian microspace" seems to be a reference to an established study of the "cosmic microwave background". so not entirely baseless, though almost certainly not applicable to this here.
it's interesting. the theories this raises has definitely given me something to think about.
i just wish it wasn't delivered with such blatant fanservice lmao
#speculation nation#fanny reads trigun#im not counting this as analysis or main tagging it bc i'm mostly just thinking aloud#a lot of the metaphysical logic to plants is just... i mean it's fiction. it's not going to make complete physical sense.#but it's interesting to think about How this kind of thing could actually happen.#i like the idea of their production of matter requiring something else to balance it. i do NOT like the weird pregnancy thing.#i'm of course curious as to where the independent plants come from. i just don't think this makes any fucking sense lmao#on another note. the fact that there's some plant here that's just. full form Talking??? and this is just Accepted??? hello???#weird. wild. i really hate this chapter's art but i REALLY am intrigued by this section.#glad i went and skimmed thru up to this point despite hating the abject fanservice#which yes u can kinda see here. there are worse parts. i did not like being slapped in the face by some random girl's ass lmao#there's a REASON i dont read manga like that. thanks#pregnancy ment/#nonsexual nudity/
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I don't remember who recommended Julia Bo when I was searching for shoes last summer, but A. I did wind up getting some and they rule and I get compliments on them all the time and B. they're having a Black Friday sale today, so if you are a dandy struggling through the wasteland of "everybody stopped selling Oxfords during the pandemic"...
#Queenie tries to clothes#Queenie actually says something on this blog#I am getting a second pair because they are on sale#and also I am coming to accept that my brown oxfords are on death's door#I am really really hard on my shoes (I think because of the limp? but not totally sure)#and the heel on my brown pair has been completely demolished#I could probably get them resoled but I'd have to find someone out here who does that#(I bought these shoes in...2016 or 2017? I think? they've had a good run)
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#okay here's the plan.#I sacrifice being completely satisfied and finished with each chapter of Strange Redemption.#in order to ACTUALLY PUBLISH IT#I can't do perfect writing right now. I just can't.#and I REALLY want to publish somewhat more often.#there are people who love this story and I want to give them the story.#so..... I think I'm going to give up on being perfect for a while and just accept that this will be a 200k+ fic series#and it will NOT be perfectly plotted or paced.#*through gritted teeth* it's OKAY to make imperfect art#*with bloodshot eyes* I am writing this FOR FUN
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thrilling new development in my gender journey is im now completely cool with remaining titted up for tha rest of my life
#progression was liek#'i NEED top so bad im blocking everyone who already has it in a fit of jealousy'#-> 'well i guess i can bear it now that my general shape is getting more masc'#-> 'don't have the money rn but one day off in the future i suppose'#-> 'realistically i will probably not afford this in my lifetime. SAD! well theres other gender affirmations'#-> complete acceptance. (i am here)#this was not as linear as im presenting it here but u get it#text tag#maybe i'll start buying legit bras again. could be fun
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I think finally understanding how differently I act when masking VS when not was a delight. I mean, I don't act on it consciously most likely, but I have been wondering abt it for a while so coming to a conclusion at least brings me some kind of satisfaction.
I noticed that when I unmask my voice gets significantly deeper and slower, I don't mind sitting in weird positions around the person (or people) I'm with and I allow myself to be more excited or emotional about stuff that I like. And with that, I also struggle less with eye contact.
When I do mask however I speak in a significantly higher tone (that I myself hate), try to make myself as small as possible during the conversation, and just stare into the void a lot. AND I stare more at my phone a lot more.
Idk if I'll ever be able to change this or if I even want to, since I'm pretty closed off and wouldn't unmask around others I don't feel a 100% safe with. The thing is that with my masking also comes a lot of infantilization cus it's like I make myself as less threatening as possible and my clothing style + overall features don't make me look 20 (because we all know that a frilly skirt suddenly makes you a child, heh), so I'm conflicted on how to feel about it...
#moon likes to rambletm#I came to this conclusion two days ago while out at dinner with people from this course I followed for the month.#i *am* the youngest of the group; but something started to feel off when I realised I wasn't speaking during their conversation about-#-sexual relationships (I had nothing to add) and one of them went 'oh don't talk about these things in front of her; she's young and you'd-#''scare her''#and he was surprised when i told him im 20? like... the whole thing threw me off#also. I don't mind being called cute or doll-like cus that's literally my whole thing but I *do* notice when people say it in a way-#-that they almost don't take me seriously. it's like they are completely unable to accept that a 20 y.o may enjoy pretty clothes-#-without them actually just being an overgrown child.#i don't dislike them and i even met a cosplayer girl at this course who was very nice to me#just. needless to say; i don't feel comfortable unmasking around them while also disliking how i get treated when i *do* mask.#idk if i'll ever keep this for long here i just needed to get this out.#actually autistic
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