#*through clenched teeth*
Text
Everything Is Dumb Now
everything seems dumb now
or the problems before tuesday
or my problems before tuesday
or the problems i focused on before tuesday
idk if theyre really dumb
but probably
does he like me will it work
venus in pisces taurus sun with a cancer ascendent
moon in leo
idk why liking someone is so terrifying to me
my shrink asked me why having basic needs met seems so impossible
or.
idk
the moon was in aquarius on tuesday i think
or i remember reading “let us hope this is a good omen”
(probably chani nicholas)
for two months i refreshed nine horoscope sites daily asking the internet
what would happen
i saw something this week
about the election coverage was too… like
focusing more on what will happen in november
not what was happening at the time
what will happen vs what is happening
what do we know
idk
this past month i began calling more feelings “pain”
laying in bed thinking “i’m in so much pain lol”
um
have you ever read the attachment theory wikipedia?
i’m sure there are better sources but the wikipedia is really convenient
there are four styles.
and this one style, “disorganized” is like
something like:
the way you’re greeted when you enter a room
and the way you’re treated
was never constant so u never like,
never know when the other shoe will drop
who will abandon when
or u’ll wild out bc like, idk.
the others are what they sound like
secure attachment style is what it sounds like
ppl with disorganized attachment ruin things, sabotage things
bc what’s the point if it’s already. idk
wednesday morning
when i told my therapist i watched someone die, she said
“oh, fuck talking about the election”
but like nah
we talked about the election
and the two guys i saw wearing those red hats
the first time ive seen them irl
first thing in the morning
on my walk up tenth avenue
i almost threw up
and threw myself on them but didnt
but i did also tell her i didn’t feel anything watching him die,
or i didn’t know what i felt or if i was feeling.
i watched him become president from my bed
scared of feeling anything except the most reality as possible
a few hours before,
i watched him make a noise and then he stopped breathing
and then a nurse hit his chest and said, “he’s just sleeping”
(he wasn’t)
she said he had a pulse, he’s fine
(he wasn’t)
it took the supervisor twenty-five minutes to show up
hospice care in a nursing home isn’t a hospital
the way she said it’s about making him comfortable
the way:
there are things that are supposed to happen
people asked if i was ok
my boss hugged me
idk if it was the death or the election
or what i’ve been saying online that has ppl msging me lately
telling me they hope im ok soon
waking up is harder now
it never really was before
i learned to like mornings in college
they felt more hopeful
opportunity, routine, etc
my shrink also told me to read online
specifically disorganized attachment
but that for some reason
and who knows
it’s not all I have. that i can do and do make secure bonds
there’s some secure attachment
something like hope?
idk
she said: attachments just are
you can’t force them
an attachment is
when i told my shrink about his last breath she said something like:
isn’t that all we have, a breath
and then we take another
and keep going
that’s the only difference
other times i’ve watched people die
(and never the act)
there was the clear moment between when they were gone
(when they started taking pain meds)
not their body but themselves
“the priority is comfort”
i only realized today that i don’t know whether or not he was in pain
just that when i got to his room, alone
i’ve never seen anyone like that
i thought he was going to die right then
with me alone
so i grabbed his hand, which was blue
and trying to take off his oxygen mask
i’ve been hearing the term “oxygen mask” a lot more
put on your oxygen mask before you help others
everyone says get out of ur internet bubble
lol
i mean, i agree
i guess
but i live alone
work online
my family is three white men
(it used to be more)
who asked me why i didn’t tell them about my sexual assaults sooner
(i had)
but i guess they forgot
or it doesnt matter? idk
i dont want to have to see them today
or tomorrow
but their dad only dies once
only died once
idk
before tuesday i’d get drunk
get stoned
wake up
apologize
idk
ever since tuesday the idea of feeling anything the most amount of
pain feels wrong
not pain for pain’s sake
but anesthetizing any of the reality
of what is and is about to happen
idk
isn’t there something about how pain is a great motivator
or isnt there that susan sontag thing about not believing someone else is in
pain?
is that the thing
or how people with that disease that makes them not feel pain are fucked
i can’t believe the pain i cause by trying to avoid pain
(myself + others)
getting out of bed isn’t a problem
or wasn’t before tuesday
(now it is)
i’m right by a window and it’s cold
and i just remember it’s real
and i’m where i was where i watched him become president
but
i like routine and waking up and drinking coffee
more so i feel it around 3pm or 5pm or 8pm or 11pm
what’s the fucking point
i don’t feel that way anymore
my anxiety’s been down since all my worst fears came true
i’m not as worried for now as i am a year from now
a year and three months
momentum, etc
it’s been clearer who’s trying to lessen suffering and who’s trying to clear
their name
i’ve been trying to take up less space
or occupy space in a different way
or, idk.
it’s easier to tell ppl i love them
u dont need a reason anymore
or maybe the reason is just more obvious
it’s too much noise n it’s not enough
im getting msgs from ppl telling me to stockpile birth control
but my body rejects most types of birth control
and i haven’t found one that works yet
so like
idk
hasnt loving and fucking always been terrifying
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fellas is it gay to orient the universe around your best friend. is it gay to take his suffering into yourself because you can’t bear to lose him. is it gay to save him even though you know he wouldn’t want that because for once in your god damn life you’re choosing to be selfish. is it gay to need him that much. is it gay to see how the stars reshape themselves into his form. is it gay to point out how he’s infinitely more than his worst enemy... is it gay for your love and respect for him to be what saves the fucking universe.................
#superbat#i bullied jan into reading emperor joker and im in the feels about it again#thinking about bruce curled up into fetal position teeth clenched SHAKING hahahhaa#thinking about how the end is either a sunset or a sunrise and clark forces it into being a sunrise.......#thinking about the loop of horror and pain clark goes through at the beginning...#i am lying down like a victorian#thinking about clark helplessly forced to listen to bruce being TORN APART AND EATEN ALIVE NOT TWO FEET AWAY FROM HIM.......
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more prsk scribbles before bed. they need to interact
#project sekai#prsk#prsk fa#mafuyu asahina#akito shinonome#toya aoyagi#akitoya#if you squint >_>#theyre on a date your honor. akito designated carry his boyfriends bags#also mafuyu and toya. autism meets autism.#sketchy and half finished i wouldnt have it any other way <- through clenched teeth#i have got to sleep urgh its noon#arts
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First of all I hope you are doing well and I love your game and Mychael 💗 you are amazing. And my question is: does Mychael happen to be intolerant of the cold? You mentioned that when he is sick he seeks warmth, I was curious to know if he, even when he is healthy, has any sensitivity to the cold or the temperatures drop? And what does he do about it in the winter seasons in the forest? Sorry if I don't make myself understood 🙏 I'm using the translator, but have time to answer my question I love you 💗
He's not intolerant, but he definitely prefers warmth, like a "do you like summer or winter" kind of thing. Back during his days of being a nomad, he's had plenty of nights sleeping outside in the cold, so he cherishes being warm and cozy now that he has a proper home.
#mushroom oasis vn#mychael ask#hes a tough guy so a little extra heat or cold isnt enough to deter him#hes not immune to heatstroke or frostbite though#just able to clench his teeth through it#also hed just do what anyone else would to prep for winter
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hands but gay and yearning. [mai/nat, both she/her]
#i wish lesbians were real#oc: mai#oc: natila#my art#skullie's sketches#mirialan#theelin#swtor#star wars#*through clenched teeth* i love being an artist i love being an artist#lesbian#wlw
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Taste test!
Re:vale week day 1 - Cooking
#idolish7#i7#re:vale week 2024#re:vale#orikasa yukito#sunohara momose#momoyuki#yukimomo#ainana#art archive#they are SOOOOO ANNOYING GOD BLESS#*painting this through clenched teeth* hope they explode
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he needs to count his fucking days
#clenching my teeth and getting myself through the late captain pierce if it kills me#townes talks !#alan and i are fist fighting#mash#mashposting#m*a*s*h#mash 4077#mashblr#hawkeye pierce#hawkeye
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it's her world we're just living in it
#actual the real star of this piece is the leather skirt I drew perfectly 😌#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd fanart#Edward teach#my art#the proportions are fucked but it's okay I'm learning (said through clenched teeth)#(I've not known peace since I read that fic of Ed in a skirt by petrichorca what can I say)
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#the children of earth rewatch went great <- lying through clenched teeth#god i fucking love this show. best television of all time.#i want to inject every single note of “I Can Run Forever” into my veins.#i love you jack harkness i love you running away from my trauma without ever stopping to process#god i need to lay down#captain jack harnkness#children of earth#torchwood#watch torchwood#please#both images poorly edited by me if you were curious
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like prime boys will always be famous
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I'm so unbelievably normal i promise.
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Purplish Heart
I was riding the F train when I saw the ad for diamonds—
the model was a famous woman who had touched me once
she put her hands on my shoulders at a party because she wanted me
to move. Excuse me, she said, so I turned to meet her
superior glaze and then I couldn’t move, which annoyed her
and rendered our interaction useless. She walked
around me and never touched me again but I felt like I could
be famous if I stayed at the party long enough. Why is it
we always think we’re on the verge of something—an illness
a speeding ticket we’d pay a hundred times just to go
that fast again. On the train, I faced diamonds and listened
to the song that played in the car that night an almost famous man
drove me home. The song was not beautiful but the way he sang
it was—we didn’t need history or language with eye contact like that
it was melody it was weapon, of course I looked away.
I’ve been close to fame and nothing happened.
I’ve been close to love and it nearly ruined me. By that logic,
fame is peace and love is war. ��I said that once
in a writing workshop where there was an actual veteran
who’d fought an actual war. She said, It’s more complicated than that
which was kind considering my ignorance. What about true
temporary love though, I wanted to say. Like just one emerald stuck
in one eye for one night. Have you ever heard of anything more brutal than that?
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something something about lestat murdering two priests in a church being the first true killing louis witnesses….. something about lestat viciously proclaiming them charlatans…… something something about lestat kneeling before louis at the steps leading up to the altar and eucharist, pledging his love and devotion to him…. bidding him to let go of his shame and shame-desiring god to love him, to worship him with his love and the giving of his life….. something about louis kissing the blood from lestat’s mouth in gratitude as his final human act…. something something about louis drinking from lestat as the christ figure looks down over their act of sacrilege… something, something, take this and drink, for this is my blood of the new covenant…………………..
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Astarion always joins Gale for breakfast. Because, like, of course he does. They sit and talk while Gale eats, and Astarion doesn't need to sleep as long as Gale does, so he's been awake for hours.
Gale gets up to take his dishes away to the kitchen. Astarion goes to sit down in Gale's study.
Tara arrives. She jumps up onto the end table next to the chair Astarion is sitting in.
"Astarion."
"Tara."
"You're still here, I see."
"You didn't get eaten by a manticore, I see."
Her hackles go up. His fingers clutch at the arm rest. They glare at each other.
Gale wanders in, carrying a tray of tea. "Tara! You're back, it's so good to see you. And it's wonderful that you and Astarion are getting on so well, as always."
"Of course we are, Mr Dekarios." She reaches out and places one paw gently, so gently, on the back of Astarion's hand.
He hisses, softly, between his teeth, because he feels claws digging ever-so-slowly into his skin.
#bloodweave#baldurs gate 3#gale of waterdeep#astarion bg3#tara the tressym#look they're both felines I don't think they'd get along#they'd be jealous of each other#fighting for Gale's affections#sniping at each other constantly#but Gale would be completely OBLIVIOUS#because his bestie and his man are getting along so WELL#while they're being so polite to each other through clenched and very sharp teeth
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Kinda taking a sick leave bc I'm currently recovering from eye surgery! I went and got laser because I'm finally done with glasses and even though I hope I would already see perfectly, it's still a massive improvement to my previous condition 🥹 everything is still a bit hazy but I feel like it's gradually wearing off for a new, clear world
#wish my assignments and deadlines knew this too#through clenched teeth: this will all be better soon
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The bitter end
-☆Please do not re-upload, edit, or use without proper credit. Ask first please.☆-
#nerevoryn#nerevar#dagoth ur#voryn dagoth#morrowind#tes#[through clenched teeth] Feeling so normal about these two rn#artsyfartsyness#blood#face trauma#for reference his throat is slit bc thats my hc for how my nerevarine killed him#Bit crunchy and stiff bc I drew it on a weaker tablet than I'm used to#s6 lites like to lag in csp lol
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