#(the first impression of Will as a hick being added to the list of reasons why some of his colleagues dismiss him initially) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

athomeinmybooks · 4 years

Text

Laws of Anime

Version 6.2

Compiled and Edited by - Ryan Shellito and Darrin Bright

Slightly Altered by - Dexyuo Metallium

The Laws of Anime is a growing list of physical, universal, and natural phenomenon that seem to appear in various forms in all sorts of anime. The original intent was an effort to classify these incidents into a list of "laws" that explained how Anime physics are different from our own (real?) world. Due to the rather dynamic nature of Anime Science, theories and paradigms are generally in a state of constant flux, often shifting or changing with the tide of whimsy. By no means all-inclusive and sometimes not even remotely instructive, the following is an enumerated list of semi-empirical islands in an ocean of conjecture. It is our hope that you find them useful to studying Anime, or at the very least, worth a good chuckle.

#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity:

The normal laws of physics do not apply.

#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation:

Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics:

In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion:

In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion:

The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

#6 - Law of Temporal Variability:

Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality:

'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways - either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality:

It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis:

Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity:

Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

#11 - Law of Inherent Combustibility:

Everything explodes. Everything.

First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.

Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission:

Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

#13 - Law of Energetic Emission:

There is always an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.

#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude:

The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass. First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon.

#15 - Law of Inexhaustibility:

No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious, (or if they happen to be Trowa Barton. -- added by Dexyuo-kun).

#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy:

The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Storm trooper Effect) Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.

First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.

Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.

Third Corollary -Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.

#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability:

Minmei is a bimbo.

#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity:

The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency:

Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.

#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability:

Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

First Corollary - Whenever a single war machine (mecha, starship, etc.) goes up against an entire army, the army always loses.

#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability:

Tactical geniuses aren't....

#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability:

People never notice the little things... like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.

#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality:

Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

#24 - Law of Americanthropomorphism:

Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.

First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)

Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

#25 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality:

(from A. Hicks, Tom Williams, and Ben Leinweber)

The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

#26 - Law of Feline Mutation:

(from A. Hicks)

Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:

1) be female

2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation

3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any

#27 - Law of Conservation of Firepower:

(from Tom Williams)

Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

#28 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence:

(from Tom Williams)

The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29 - Law of Melee Luminescence:

(from Tom Williams)

Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30 - Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism:

(from Tom Williams)

All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31 - Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability:

(from Spellweaver)

Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

#32 - Law of Follicular Permanence:

Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics:

*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

#34 - Law of Probable Attire:

(from various sources)

Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.

Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).

Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear a long cloaks that don't hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.

First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.

Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

#35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence:

Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on...especially if they have never attempted these things before.

#36 - Law of Quintupular Agglutination:

(from Daniel Mikula)

Also called "The Five-man Rule", when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

1) The Hero/Leader

2) His Girlfriend

3) His Best Friend/Rival

4) A Hulking Brute

5) A Dwarf/Kid

Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:

1) Extreme Coolness

2) Amazing Intelligence

3) Incredible Irritation

#37 - Law of Extradimensional Capacitance:

(from Jason Bustard)

All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.

First Corollary (a.k.a. The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38 - Law of Hydrostatic Emission:

Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39 - Law of Inverse Attraction:

Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get, and vice versa.

First Corollary - Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...

#40 - Law of Nasal Sanguination:

(from Ryan Pritchard and Jason Aylen)

When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41 - Law of Xylolaceration:

(from Lyndon Harris)

Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

#42 - Law of Juvenile Omnipotence:

(from Erin Alia)

Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43 - Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia:

There is no Law #43.

#44 - Law of Nominative Clamovocation

(from Luiko-Ysabeth and Adrian Hsiah)

The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

#45 - Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis:

(from R. A. Hubby)

Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

#46 - Law of Flimsy Incognition:

(from Conrad Knauer)

Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47 - Law of Gravitational Consequence of Velocity on Mammary Glands:

(from Dexyuo-kun)

Any woman's breasts in anime, no matter how clothed or unclothed the woman may be, her breasts have the potential to bounce at least five times every time she moves. Wheather she jumps from a building, runs away from a bad guy, or transforms into her costume or teensy mask (see Law #46 - Law of Flimsy Incognition and Law #34 - Law of Probable Attire).

#48 - Law of the Death Monolouge:

(from Dexyuo-kun)

Believed to be related to the First Law of Temporal Mortality, any character who doesn't die within seconds will ultimately have to give a drawn out monolouge. The character may be a 'Good Guy' who must, very calmly, tell everyone present what they need to do to be able to win the fight against the 'Bad Guys'. This is also used to snap 'Good Guys' out of a trance (also known as the Trowa Barton 90-Second Monolouge). Or, the character may be a 'Bad Guy' who must, through tears, tell everyone present their heartbreaking story of why they became a 'Bad Guy'.

#49 - Law of Providential Endings:

(from Dexyuo-kun)

This law states that in any Anime, no matter how horrible or angsty the Anime might be, has a happy ending. This law ultimately exculdes any and all CLAMP productions.

First Corollary - One of the heros' is wounded (ie. stabbed) and the series ends. Yet, they must always have a sequel to the season, so that it may be known that the injured hero did indeed live at the end, regardless of being wounded horribly. This also applies to any 'Bad Guys' turned 'Good Guys'. They will ultimately live.

#50 - Law of Invariable Coupling:

(from Dexyuo-kun)

The hero of the story must always have a love intrest. The hero of the story must always save their love intrest, possibly multiple times. There will always be a conflict between the hero and their love intrest, wheather it be it an annoying blonde, blue eyed princess who has a tendency to yell out the hero's name and scream for him to come kill her, or a war, there will *always* be a conflict between the hero and their love intrest.

3 notes · View notes

astarryon · 5 years

Text

Love You, Sugar

Pairings: Klaus Hargreeves x Dave

Warnings: Language, character death, angst

Summary: There’s a reason Klaus can’t listen to Total Eclipse of the Heart anymore, and it’s got everything to do with the only man who was ever allowed to call him sugar.

A/N: Listen, this has been bouncing around my head for days and I had to write it, like it was calling to me. I was really excited to explore a relationship between Klaus and Dave and don’t ask me why Dave is southern, I just took one look at him while watching the show and the man screamed proper southern gentleman, I don’t make the rules!! I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it, and if you have any questions or comments, feel free to send them my way!

Masterlist

The first time it happened, it had been an accident. Klaus wasn’t trying to take credit for anyone else’s accomplishments, nor was he trying to mislead his definite-crush-sort-of-boyfriend. The two of them were already fighting in the fucking Vietnam war; god knew Dave didn’t need Klaus lying to him on top of the humongous laundry list of shit he already had to deal with.

But... well, Dave still didn’t know that Klaus was a man out of time. Probably never would, either, if only because Klaus wasn’t sure he could explain the circumstances without sounding like a fucking crackhead. Which, okay, technically he sort of used to be, but that was irrelevant. He was two months sober now, and despite the fact that everything about his life was fucking insane, even he got concerned for his own well being when he tried to think about just how he’d ended up in 1968 Vietnam. If he couldn’t even explain it to himself, he definitely wasn’t going to be able to explain it to Dave.

Thus, the first incident.

“What’re you humming?”

Klaus popped an eye open, glancing over at the man laying beside him on the ground. It was dark, and the other soldiers part of their group were fast asleep. Klaus had been under the impression Dave was as well, but then, he also hadn’t realized he’d been humming in the first place. Turned out sobriety did absolutely nothing for his awareness.

“Nothing, sorry,” Klaus whispered, reaching over to squeeze Dave’s hand with his own. The two of them always made sure to be careful — they were close with the other soldiers, sure. War sort of demanded it. But even then, the nature of their relationship was dangerous out here. Honestly, Klaus had been a teenager in the 2000’s, and even he had never seen so many raging homophobes all in one place. Hypocritical ones, at that. Those with the loudest mouths were the same ones always propositioning him for dirty, dirty sex, not that he ever accepted. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“No, that wasn’ nothin’,” Dave insisted, squeezing Klaus’ hand back before scooting closer. The added warmth of his body was almost enough to make Klaus let out an obscene moan; it was god damn cold on the Vietnam war front. “There were words and stuff, I heard ‘em. What song’s that?”

Klaus would’ve loved to be able to share with this beautiful man the wonders and emotional drama of listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart for the first time ever — honestly, was there anything more defining in life? — but unfortunately, the song hadn’t technically been written yet. Klaus knew it, because Klaus was yet to be born for another twenty one years. He couldn’t just explain that quite so easily to Dave, though, so honestly... what was he to do?

“It’s not a song,” Klaus tried, hoping in vain that Dave would merely drop his questions. No such luck, as it would seem. “It’s just something that’s been stuck in my head a few days, that’s all.”

A lightbulb seemed to go off in Dave’s head. “So it’s yours?” he asked, moving his face closer to Klaus’. Oh, that wasn’t fair — how the fuck was Klaus supposed to come up with a decent cover story when the most beautiful fucking man he’d ever seen was flirting with him like some big tease? “You wrote that song?”

“I... wouldn’t say that...” A distracting hand was snaking its way up his torso, and Klaus knew his protests weren’t going to last very long if Dave wanted to get physical. They were still getting to know one another, still making sense of their feelings and their desires, but Dave seemed to have picked up on the fact that all it took was a little push before Klaus would be fully willing to give him anything he wanted. “Really, Dave, it’s nothing special.”

“Everything to do with you’s special, sugar,” Dave told him, grinning widely as his teeth flashed in the moonlight.

Klaus chuckled quietly, caught off guard at how easy it had been to laugh. They might’ve been in the middle of a war zone, Klaus might’ve been led to this place via torturous time traveling assassins, and his siblings may or may not have realized he was missing by now, but none of that mattered when he had Dave. Emotions were so easy to feel with this man that it was damn near insane.

He shook his head, breaking himself out of his own reverie. That was another thing about being sober — he had an obscene amount of space in his mind to think now, even with the ghosts who filled the trenches in waves. “Thought we talked about how you calling me that was a no.”

“We did no such thing,” Dave murmured into his ear, clutching him closer and closer. “You told me it makes me sound like some perverted small town hick—“

“It does.”

“—and I said it’s the only good name I got for you, seeing as you’re the sweetest soul I ever met.”

Oh, yes, that. How could Klaus have forgotten, considering the way those words made his stomach do flips?

“You need to go back to sleep,” Klaus whispered. He caved for a moment, pressing a quick kiss to the corner of Dave’s mouth. It wasn’t what he actually wanted to do — Jesus, it wasn’t anywhere close to what he actually yearned for — but, again. They were surrounded by other people, in the cold dead of night, fighting a war in Vietnam. Whenever they did get the chance to be together, Klaus wanted it to be as special as he could possibly make it. Special, sensual, and private. “We’re gonna have to start moving in a couple of hours.”

Dave heaved a sigh, knowing full well that Klaus meant what he said and wouldn’t be budging any further tonight. “Fine,” he mumbled, surging up to give Klaus a proper kiss. His hands cupped Klaus’ face, fingers tangling in the curls at his temples, and the whole thing had caught Klaus so off guard that he gave a semi startled moan, parting his lip. Dave didn’t take advantage of it — a proper fucking southern gentleman, much to Klaus’ mild chagrin — but he did offer Klaus one last peck before moving down to lay his head on his chest. “Will you at least hum that song to me while I fall asleep? I liked the way it sounded.”

“Anything for you,” Klaus whispered back, closing his eyes and starting from the beginning.

—

“How’s that one part go again?”

Klaus shook his head, a fast grin betraying the exasperation he was trying to express. “Which part? There are a lot of parts.”

Dave’s grin only grew wider, and he boldly pulled Klaus back by the hand a few steps only to spin him around and press him back and up against a nearby tree. It was fine, really; the two of them were out on a walk, a well traversed trail by soldiers who had absolutely nothing better to do with their downtime, and no one else was around. Still, Dave had been getting pretty forward with his moves lately. It wasn’t a bad thing, especially not in Klaus’ eyes, it was just different.

“The one about sparks in the dark and shit,” he clarified. “Sparks flying? Is that right?”

It was difficult to hold the laughter back, but Klaus managed. He couldn’t very well make fun of Dave for not knowing the words to a song that hadn’t even been written yet, but still. Had anyone ever gotten the words to Total Eclipse of the Heart so wrong before?

“‘We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks,’” Klaus murmured, bringing up a hand to cup Dave’s cheek. “Those are the words you want.”

“’A powder keg’,” Dave repeated, face softening. His eyes scanned Klaus’ face, seemed to trace over each and every inch of his skin. “Christ above, my boyfriend’s a fuckin’ poet.”

Klaus widened his eyes in shock. There Dave went again, surprising him in a way no one had ever been able to before. “Sorry, what was that?” he asked, fully aware that he was grinning like an idiot. Oh, if only his family could see him now. He wondered what they might have to say. “Could you repeat that? I seem to have misheard.”

“Said you’re a poet, sugar,” Dave whispered, mirroring Klaus by cupping his cheek as well. “A poet with the most beautiful fuckin’ songs I ever heard in my life.”

And, well, Klaus knew it wasn’t exactly right to take credit for the song. Ben wasn’t present at the moment, luckily — he was usually very careful to allow Dave and Klaus their alone time, lest he see something he didn’t want to. He often gave Klaus mildly disapproving looks for letting Dave think the song was his own, but then again... how would he have explained otherwise? Wouldn’t it have been more cruel to break Dave’s mind with stories of time travel and the twenty first century? Surely that would be worse, right?

So, Klaus decided... fuck it.

“You know what?” he said, glancing down at Dave’s mouth. It was pink, plump, and it had been calling to Klaus every single day since the first time he’d seen it. No matter how many times he kissed it, the allure never seemed to dissipate. “You’re absolutely right. Your boyfriend is the most poetic, musically inclined bastard you’ve ever met.”

And with that, he crashed his lips to Dave’s, letting go of his worries and inhibitions and, for once in his life, allowing himself to be happy. Dave kissed him back, fiercely and passionately, and Klaus reciprocated further. He could only think one thought as the two of them went on, getting lost in the feel of on another beneath the Vietnam sun.

Thank you, Bonnie fucking Tyler.

—

“So who was it about, anyway?”

Klaus tilted his head in confusion, letting his fingertips dance over Dave’s palms. They were sat beneath the shade of a tree just at the edge of their base. “Who was what about?” he asked, half sure he already knew.

“Your Eclipse song,” Dave answered simply. When Klaus only blinked, silent and in need of a little more clarification, he rolled his eyes and tilted Klaus’ head back against his chest so he could get a better look at his face, just to make sure he wasn’t bullshitting. “There’s that part where you say ‘once upon a time I was fallin’ in love.’ Who were you in love with? An old girlfriend”

Oh, god damn it.

Being that Klaus had been hesitantly answering questions about this song to Dave for just about seven months, he had, at this point, fully committed to the lie. Or, maybe that was a bit too harsh of a word. He didn’t like to think he was lying to Dave, he was just... not exactly telling him the truth?

“That wasn’t about anyone specific,” Klaus murmured, letting his eyes skip closed. He could hear Dave’s heart beating through the thin cotton of his shirt, and that added to the warmth of the sun against his skin created a feeling that was just short of fucking Nirvana. “They’re just words, Dave.”

Dave snorted, and Klaus didn’t think he’d ever heard anything so beautiful. “Pretty words aren’t just words, sugar.”

Such a drama queen Dave was. He was almost as over the top with his antics as Klaus was, and that was saying something for a guy who’d lived his prime through the sixties.

“You,” Klaus began, pointing a finger up at Dave’s face haphazardly. He’d been aiming for his nose, but it felt like he’d actually made contact with his forehead. “Are the only person I’ve ever been in love with.”

Dave scoffed, catching Klaus’s hand with his own and pulling it down to his mouth for a kiss. “Shut up. Pretty boy like you? Ain’t no way.”

“Trust me, there is,” Klaus insisted, smiling fondly. “I... I don’t think I was in a place to fall in love before I met you. My family thinks I’m a joke, my friends... I didn’t really have any. You’re the first one to ever take me seriously.”

He breathed a beat, thinking over his words and how saying them out loud made him feel. Eventually, Klaus decided there was only one thing left to do with this situation.

“How about this,” he murmured, opening his eyes and pulling himself away from Dave’s chest in an effort to look him in the eyes. They were bluer than anything Klaus had ever seen before, and they were easily becoming his favorite color. “It’s for you.”

Save scrunched his eyebrows, the adorable little ‘v’ Klaus had come to hold so close to his heart forming between his eyes. “‘Scuse me?” There was a hitch in his voice, making the word come out a bit rougher than they normally would have in Dave’s deep southern accent. Klaus wondered if, maybe, Dave wasn’t quite as clueless about what he’d meant as he was pretending to be.

“The song,” Klaus clarified, curling his fingers around Dave’s palm. “My song. Total Eclipse of the Heart, it’s for you.”

“Klaus, you can’t just—“

“It’s for you, Dave,” he insisted, making it clear that this was nonnegotiable. “Take it, alright? The song, the words, my... my heart, god damn you. All of it’s for you.”

Tears, crystal clear and smooth as glass, began brimming in Dave’s eyes, a red blotchiness coloring over the tan skin of his face. That was something Klaus had seen only once before, just after Dave had found out that one of the soldiers he’d been good friends with back when they were kids had been blown to death by a stray landmine. Other than that night, which had been filled with a lot of hugging and sobbing into chests, Klaus had never seen Dave cry.

To think that he was crying over this, over the fact that Klaus was opening up to him, offering him his whole heart and all of his affections, even if it was with a song Klaus was falsely claiming... well, it felt good. Someone actually wanted him to want them. It was enough to make Klaus start tearing up himself.

“What are you crying for?” Klaus whispered, shaking his head in awe. “This is a happy thing, isn’t it?”

Dave laughed quietly, shaking his head and clutching Klaus tightly. “‘Course it’s a happy thing, Klaus,” he choked out, looking for all the world like he’d been given the grandest gift of all time. “I love you, sugar. You know that? I love you so much.”

Klaus felt his heart swell, the heady feeling of such a confession producing a bigger hit of dopamine than any of the drugs he used to mess around with could’ve hoped to manage. It was scary, how weightless he felt; was this just what it was like to be in love? Would it always be like this?

God, he hoped it would always be like this.

“I know,” Klaus chuckled, giving Dave the sweetest kiss he was capable of giving. It wasn’t much, wasn’t enough to calm the storm of emotions swirling within him, but it was enough. “I know.”

—

His ears were ringing, near constant gunfire overstimulating his senses and lighting the darkness with haphazard bursts of light. Something sticky and warm had come into contact with his hands, making his fingers slick and clumsy, and he could taste ash in his mouth. Men were shouting back and forth at one another over the cacophony of bullets spraying through the air — those were the desperate ones, the ones who thought if they screamed loud enough, the world might actually care enough to stop and listen long enough for them to get their shit together. Klaus had been one of those men up until about thirty seconds ago, when he realized he was wasting the short amount of time he had left calling for a medic who clearly wasn’t coming. Now he was trying to focus on holding it together long enough to comfort—

No. No, he couldn’t say it, couldn’t even think it to himself. If he did that, then it became real, and that meant that he was accepting this as his reality.

“K... Kl-Klaus,” Dave gasped, eyes blown wide with shock and terror. His uniform was darkening at a rapid rate from a central point on his chest, blooming like some kind of horrible, bloody flower. “S.... si—“ He cut himself off with a pained cry, though Klaus could scarcely hear it. The bullets whizzing through the air were stealing away from Dave what little room there was left for noise.

“Shhh, I’m here,” Klaus told him, doing his damnedest not to sob. He could cry on his own time, not on the little that was left of Dave’s. “I got you, okay? Everything’s... everything’s gonna be just fine, you hear me?”

Maybe it was a lie, and maybe Klaus knew that, but at this point he was willing to say anything if it meant that Dave would be even the slightest bit less scared.

“‘M s-sorry,” he choked out, a spray of blood flying from his lips. There was intention in his gaze, more words in his mind than he was capable of expressing, and it was clear that he as frustrated with that fact. “Sorry...”

“For what?” Klaus asked, voice and hands and everything shaking. His body was becoming heavy, and he found that it was no longer possible to detach himself from where he was clutching at Dave. All he could do was cry and hope and — for the very first time in his life — pray. “Don’t you apologize to me, you hear me? Just breathe, just... just stay with me, please, I—“

I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you.

“Klaus,” Dave tried again. His voice was shaking, growing softer and softer with every breath he took. He moved to grab Klaus’ hand with his, grasp weak and fading, and Klaus subconsciously noted that Dave’s hands were covered in the same warm, sticky substance as his own. “L-Love... you...” He paused, trying to catch his breath but only causing himself to choke on more blood. Klaus knew in his heart that these sounds would be burned into his memory for the rest of his life. “Will you... s-song? Our song?”

It took him a minute to register what Dave was asking for. Between the shock and terror, the disorientation and those awful fucking bullets, Klaus’ mind was being pulled in a million different directions. Concentrating on anything except Dave and the blood and the fact that he was dying, Dave was dying, why the fuck was this happening — it was damn near impossible. But eventually Dave’s words came back to him like a whisper echoing through a chamber, and Klaus understood.

So, he took Dave’s face in his hands, clutched him close, and began to sing. It wasn’t pretty — god, of course it wasn’t pretty. Most of it was a lot of Klaus choking and sobbing,

“Once... once upon a time... I was f-falling...” Klaus stopped, having finally mustered the courage to look at Dave’s face. “Baby?” he whispered, giving him a gentle shake. Dave’s skin had begun to grow cold, lips parted and eyes glassy. His color was fading, too, though Klaus was having trouble understanding how that had happened so quickly. He looked harder, searching for any sign that Dave was still in there, still fighting somehow, but...

There was nothing. Dave was gone.

“No, wait, Dave, please,” Klaus begged, squeezing his eyes shut. Some voice in his head told him maybe if he just thought hard enough his reality would alter. It had happened before, right? This couldn’t be real. “Come back to me... Dave, please come back to me.”

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been laying there. Minutes, maybe, or perhaps hours. Time was irrelevant then. All Klaus knew was that, eventually, other soldiers had been forced to pry him off Dave’s body in the dusky light of dawn. He’d put up quite the fight — one of the poor bastards had caught an elbow to the face, but he had no room to feel guilty over it — but in the end, he wasn’t strong enough to stop them.

They dragged him all the way back to base and sat him down inside his tent, not that he registered the trip or the constant stream of words flooding toward him from his fellow soldiers. Klaus couldn’t hear much of anything, in fact, except for one song on a loop in his head over and over again.

That damn song.

“Stay here, Hargreeves,” his sergeant commanded, fixing him with a pitying glance. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of dog tags — Dave’s dog tags — before dropping them over Klaus’ head and around his neck. Not everyone had known about Klaus and Dave, but there had been a lot of speculation, and Sergeant Langford had been the only one to know for certain. “You stay here until you get your shit together, got it?”

Klaus managed a weak nod, unable to do or say anything else. Sergeant Langford placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, then left in search of the field medic who had been absent during the battle. The man wasn’t three steps out of the tent before Klaus had located the briefcase that had brought him to Vietnam in the first place. He didn’t think twice before opening it, not much caring where it took him, only knew that he couldn’t stay in that place, not without Dave.

“I love you,” Klaus whispered into the darkness of the tent. He knew Dave’s ghost wasn’t present — not enough time had passed, he didn’t think, and he wasn’t sure that he was ready to see Dave like that quite yet. Still, it felt good just to say the words out loud. “I love you so much.”

He took one last glance around the tent, surveyed Dave’s minimal belongings — a spare pair of boots, his slept in cot, a paper bird that Klaus had made for him some days before. None of it looked any different than normal, and yet somehow the sights caused quite the sharp pang in Klaus’ chest.

“Love you, sugar,” Klaus whispered one last time into the silence. He collected the few belongings he had, kept Dave’s god tags close to his heart, and opened the briefcase, feeling himself be transported back to where he’d left off those ten months ago.

Klaus was returning to his own time period, to his own family, but without the one person who had ever made him feel whole, he would never be able to call it home again.

#Klave #klaus x dave #tua #umbrella academy #klaus hargreeves #dave #the umbrella academy #fanfiction #umbrella academy fanfiction #one shot #angst #fluff #listen i have a lot of emotions about this one in particular

107 notes · View notes

deadcactuswalking · 5 years

Text

WHERE THE LOVE GO? - THE TOP FIFTEEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2018

The popular music in America of 2018 was somehow both chaotic and dreary and monotonous as hell at the same time. Constant album bombs and additional rule changes to the charts made the Hot 100 increasingly irrelevant – as if it wasn’t already, and to be honest, I didn’t hate as much of it as I thought I would – in fact, I have since learned to appreciate what little upbeat pop gems we had this year instead of observing it as just a dark, moody year full of mindless egotistical trap-rap... which it definitely was, for the record, I mean, there’s a reason I talk about the UK Top 40 more because the US’ charts seemed a tad painful to keep up with, just going off of exhausted recounts I’ve seen on YouTube and Twitter this whole year. Am I going to preface this with anything more interesting? No, because frankly I don’t think 2018 really deserves it. Let’s just talk about some ground rules.

-I am using the predicted year-end top 125 posted in the Pulse Music forum by MikesMusicReviews to determine what a “hit song of 2018” is. Songs that made it into the top 10 during the charting year (December 2017 to November 2018) count as well.

-This is the best list, and it’s what was posted second. The worst list is out right now if you want to read that, and the list that will count down my picks for the top 5 best and top 5 worst United Kingdom-exclusive hit songs will be out somewhere in the first quarter of the year, I imagine, but don’t expect it too soon.

-If this comes out on the day an episode was supposed to be released, REVIEWING THE CHARTS will be postponed, obviously.

-Finally, this is simply my opinion and I don’t consider myself highly as a music critic. This is just a silly little hobby of mine, and this list’ll probably actually be shorter and more reasonable than the worst list. Nevertheless, we’re counting down...

THE TOP 15 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2018

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

In a rough order of popularity, but no other particular order...

“Psycho” – Post Malone featuring Ty Dolla $ign and “Better Now” – Post Malone

Actual Year-End Hot 100 Placements: #6 and #13 – Peaks: #1 and #3

Yeah, what can I say? As much as I don’t really think Post can handle an album by himself at all, and I still stand by how beerbongs & bentleys sucked, these songs are pretty fantastic, if only for how catchy those hooks are. Seriously, him and Louis Bell can write a damn good chorus.

“Nice for What” – Drake – Year-End: #11 – Peak: #1

This soured on me quite a lot since I first talked about it, but I’m still impressed by how he got a song with a Fabo reference to hit #1 five separate times.

“MotorSport” – Migos, Cardi B and Nicki Minaj – Year-End: #34 – Peak: #6

Migos are too boring for this to really stand out as anything more than wasted potential.

“Back to You” – Selena Gomez – Year-End: #41 – Peak: #18

Nothing about this song remotely works and I love it.

“One Kiss” – Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa – Year-End: #68 – Peak: #26

This was the biggest song of the year in the UK, and while it really grew on me, it didn’t really survive too well to overplay, as I got into more house, I realised that this really wasn’t as unique as I thought it was. “Promises” with Sam Smith sucked though, so I’m glad “One Kiss” was the Calvin Harris single that actually succeeded.

“Happier” – Marshmello and Bastille – Year-End: #80 – Peak: #3

This song is awesome. Do I know why? Absolutely no clue.

“X” – Nicky Jam and J Balvin – Year-End: #90 – Peak: #41

Depending on how I feel, this song is either fantastic, or unlistenable, and sometimes both.

“Call Out My Name” – The Weeknd – Year-End: #78 – Peak: #4

Honestly, I think I just got sick of the Weeknd’s existence in the middle of this year, but this stop still holds up for the most part.

“JAPAN” – Famous Dex – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #28

Famous Dex’s ad-libs are heavenly, but they do make this track feel a tad too cluttered... and yeah, those are all the Honourable Mentions. There aren’t many but that’s because I’ve increased the number of songs on the best list to fifteen, and that’s how it’ll be for years to come, so, let’s just get straight into the list, starting with something that has definitely grown on me.

#15

In Summer of 2018, I said this on my “Best and Worst of 1994” list.

That’s why I hate “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran so much – it lacks what I want from any good pop song, a real hook that reels you in, not because it’s catchy and not because it’s unique, hell, I’m not talking about the musical hook here, just a moment in a song that forces you to pay attention and even if you don’t like it, you will understand why it’s so popular because it demands you to be attracted to it. – me, a few months ago

Yeah, well, um...

#15 – “Perfect” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by Ed Sheeran and Will Hicks – from the album Divide – Year-End: #2 – Peak: #1

It’s grown on me immensely, to say the least, and honestly I think that’s not only because of how there was so much less overplay and I heard it a couple fewer times per day in the latter half of the year, but how I realised this song doesn’t need that moment, and never needed that hook to begin with.

Well, I found a girl, so beautiful and sweet / I never knew you were the someone waiting for me

See, the fact that this song is generic and simplistic is the point, I guess, because it’s much like the artist himself – gingerly. It’s shy and cute in a way that only Ed Sheeran could pull off believably because he’s built his career off of being the everyman (who has since burst into fame, but in his album canon, that never really happened), and this is the climax of it. This is the everyman settling down and planning his life, and almost abandoning the events that are reminisced on in “Castle on the Hill” (which, yes, it’s still a better song than “Perfect”). The production isn’t anything special really either but it is clean and almost like a sweet sweep of cloudy nothingness with a slick acoustic guitar as all of Ed’s songs have, coated in some pretty elegant strings, it’s like the normal, somewhat rough-around-the-edges British dude has just been overwhelmed by the “orchestra” of this love he found with this woman. It’s cute and simple, and in that way it’s as effective as a song with an immense amount of hooks and catchy, interesting blips that can be pointed out and analysed.

#15 – “Wait” – Maroon 5

Produced by John Ryan – from the album Red Pill Blues – Year-End: #58 – Peak: #24

Yeah, this isn’t really a tie either, I just want to talk about as many songs in such little time – because this is a rushed list? Perhaps, but also because best lists are boring as hell, and I want some urgency... speaking of, “Wait!”. This song isn’t a chaotic emergency from the get-go, it’s just a polished and filtered guitar with some transcendent multi-tracked “Oh!” ad-libs, that later become part of the beat. Some may say Adam Levine sounds plastic and manufactured here, but I think he just sounds sick of it all and bored in the best way. He makes dirty looks from his wife’s mother seem like Vietnam flashbacks because he’s so unimpressed or unfazed by everything, it’s kind of hilarious. Oh, yeah, and then the beat drop, which happens way too quickly – and that’s the art of it. The beat drop happening 20 seconds into the song and never really having another effective drop throughout, especially with Levine’s rapid, nasal and sometimes almost triplet-flow falsetto over it, is just a demonstration of how panicked Levine is, and with the alerted trap skitter and the sheer lack of length or development to the track, you feel pain in overly polished material, and yeah, that’s why I still defend Maroon 5, because they still know how to express emotion, despite how their music is no longer close to the quality of stuff like “Sunday Morning”. That bridge where it all builds up into an insane synth that immediately disappears is like an anxious thought creeping up on Levine then just popping out of existence, and the abrupt end to the song is just a book end to this story we’ve been following, where Levine is like a desperate dog using puppy eyes.

Wait, can you turn around? Can you turn around? / Just wait, can we work this out? Can we work this out?

It shows Adam Levine at his purest core – a pathetic shell of a man... with a bunch of tattoos and a Twitter account that mutes the word “SpongeBob”.

#14

Oh, hey, speaking of the Super Bowl fiasco...

#14 – “STARGAZING” – Travis Scott

Produced by Sonny Digital, B Wheezy, Bkorn and 30 Roc – from the album ASTROWORLD – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #8

You know how good this song is? When you go on the Wikipedia page for ASTROWORLD, you can play a small snippet from this song. That means nothing but don’t let distract you because this song is fantastic. It starts with a really eerie synth and creepy guitar before the reverb-drowned snares hit in the intense bass drop. Travis Scott croons about how the psychedelics have “got [him] going crazy”, and I believe it, I mean, this song is trippy, with the spliced vocal samples and the drum fill (as well as the cut) in the beat that sounds kind of like a mistake, just furthering that off-kilter vibe. I love the post-hook as well where he goes into that brilliantly awful falsetto. I don’t think this is mumble-rap at all, but the fact that most of the post-hook is unintelligible makes this song perfect because he isn’t paying attention to you, he isn’t paying attention to the mic, he’s paying attention to the “stars”... and then he realises.

The beat cuts, losing its drums to a reverb echo and then the vocals, with only the eerie guitar and synth it started with, until an elephant-like siren pops up and one brief female vocal snippet, with a ghostly laughter popping up right before the rollercoaster sound effects and it crashes. This is the musical equivalent to Travis Scott getting his priorities straight and realising what his fans want after the bland trap of his last two records, and that beat switch is the best on the album, “SICKO MODE” included.

Oh, yeah, and this new beat? It’s so good, it just has this sweeping feel with Travis’ faster flow (including the echoes) making it feel so fun despite how it sounds like the beat has a splinter in it, if that makes sense. Travis’ bars are funny and almost anthemic, especially this one:

This right here is astronomical / I see you picked up all my ways, I feel responsible / They trying to say that all my problems is improbable / They keep itching at my spit, it’s diabolical, you feel me?

There is no better way to triumphantly start your album, which is already a greatly misleading, scattered and fun, all-over-the-place record, with a fitting ride through Travis’ mindset while producing it. Yeah, it’s astronomical. Next.

#13

I haven’t watched or read any best lists but I think everyone’s gone deep into this song so I’ll keep this brief (like I will for all best list entries if I go by my current formula of a bunch more songs with more urgency and more jokes, hyperbole and a generally fast-paced flow to the list, to make it not feel like a slog). This is “Finesse” by Bruno Mars, which is a great song in its own right, being improved by a pretty obscure female rap artist, I don’t know, you might have heard of her?

#13 – “Finesse” (Remix) – Bruno Mars featuring Cardi B

Produced by Shampoo Press & Curl and the Stereotypes – from the album 24K Magic – Year-End: #14 – Peak: #3

From those first few drum hits and vocal samples that start it off, you know what’s coming.

Drop-top Porsche, Rollie on my wrist / Diamonds up and down my chain (Haha!)

The ad-libs and backing vocals add so much to her verse because they add so much excitement and energy that feels like a crowd following on with Cardi and Bruno, who takes a smoother approach to the sugary slice of 90s throwback new jack swing, especially in the chorus where Bruno isn’t really audible, you just hear the guys behind him reciting his vocals, almost as if they’re hypnotised into this groove, which, honestly, I don’t blame them for. Every melody in this song is gorgeous, mostly because it’s a complete rip-off of 90s R&B but it’s such a good one, that still feels modern, even with the talkbox-like synths, there’s still that polished, clean percussion you hear from modern R&B and Cardi B to mix things up, including a Lil Jon reference. Yeah, even in 90s throwbacks, they want to flash straight to the next decade. Cardi makes me believe Lil Jon was as big in the early-to-mid 90s though, because her boisterous personality is just all over this song, especially the bridge, where she’s drowned out by the instrumental but her charisma drips through anyway, she’s that powerful of a presence. Yeah, Cardi saves this from being forgettable, but it’d still be here if it didn’t have her at all, Bruno brings a lot of that vocal ability we know him for, and it’s very reminiscent of “Treasure”, another of his songs I absolutely loved. Man, I hope this guy sticks to the 90s throwbacks for a while. He’s done several 70s and 80s songs, hell, a whole album of them, so I hope he doesn’t entirely skip this decade when working through the R&B of each era to add to his discography.

I drink ‘till I’m drunk, smoke ‘till I’m high / Castle in the hills, wake up in the sky / You can’t tell me I ain’t fly – Bruno Mars on Gucci Mane’s “Wake Up in the Sky” featuring Kodak Black

Oh, he’s just gone straight to 2010s trap featuring... Kodak Black? Alright, yeah, nevermind, just restart your career entirely, we’ve gone too far.

#12

“Woo”. It’s such a simple, primal exclamation of excitement. It’s so commonplace, especially in rap, because anyone can pull off a “woo”, and it can be in so many varieties. Just going to pull off one little “woo” that you can barely hear? Cool. You’re going to croon “Woo” in the background autotuned to hell and back while Drake’s talking about taking half a Xan? Sure, Travis. You’re going to repeat it ad nauseum to build up hype for a verse like in “Bad and Boujee”? Sure, Offset, you do that. Offset, how about you say “woo” all the time? Like Pusha T, he does that, he says “woo”, although nowadays he prefers “YEUGH”. God, I hope rap ad-libs continue to be a thing, they’re awesome.

#12 – “Ric Flair Drip” – Offset and Metro Boomin

Produced by Metro Boomin and Bijan Amir – from the album Without Warning - #38 – Peak: #13

I have no idea why I love this song so much. Do I like Offset? Yeah, he’s the best Migo. Do I like Metro Boomin? Yeah, I liked this album he released this year, he has iconic producer tags and is the most creative trap producer out there right now. It only makes sense, right, but this is both Offset and Boomin at their most clean, simple and “okay”... except the whole song’s about paying respect to wrestler Ric Flair for popularising the use of the word “woo”. Offset describes his lifestyle as he always does, but he then says, “Ric Flair drip”, so casually, because it should be something that rolls off the tongue, not anything that should be made a big deal.

Soon as we came in the game, all of these n****s, they imitate

Yes, you see, this is an apology from Offset to Ric Flair about jacking the “woo” ad-lib. Sure... I mean, all of that is headcanon, but that hook is insanely catchy, that beat has a classy piano melody that is way better than it has any right to be. Offset’s verses have enough flow switches and fast yet chilled, relaxed delivery to feel like a traditional Migos song... but there’s something about this one specifically. I think it’s how the focus of the song, despite relying on the typical subject matter otherwise, being “woo”, like, the use of the word “woo”, it’s so funny to me, and justifies Offset’s second verse, which is intense, dramatic and slides into the chorus like Offset’s jetski, perfectly, especially when it’s just him, the strings and the 808s. It’s melodramatic, for no reason, with Offset’s rapid flow emphasising the lyrics... which still roll around to being about how when Offset is dripping in jewellery, he thinks about Ric Flair and, paraphrasing, “goes woo on a bih”... I’m glad you and Cardi are back together, I guess, you delightful... homophobe... okay, maybe I don’t like Offset but this is a cool song.

#11

This next song is the most fun, enthusiastic and party-ready scream for help I’ve ever heard.

#11 – “Uproar” – Lil Wayne featuring Swizz Beatz

Produced by Swizz Beatz and Avenue – from the album Tha Carter V – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #7

Keep in mind that this is a beat Lil Wayne has said on record, he does not like, at all... and he kills it. You see, this is a reworking of the G. Dep song “Special Delivery” with Diddy, and Wayne has freestyled over it before on one of his mixtapes, before cutting his verse to say that he doesn’t like it, and passed J. Cole the beat, I believe... you wouldn’t believe me, though, because there’s crowd cheering implemented the beat and pretty much the first half a minute is dedicated to Swizz Beatz hyping everyone up, including another reference to an ad-lib (specifically, Lil Wayne’s lighter flick and bong hit).

If you ain’t got a lighter, what the f*** you smoking for? / We hot, ha!

Seriously, rap ad-libs got meta this year. Anyways, about this being a cry for help, despite how upbeat and fun the party-perfect beat is, the guitar line is actually somewhat menacing and the dark bass largely nullifies all presence of human emotion and excitement, and what do you think Lil Wayne raps about? Well, I’m not entirely sure.

What the f*** though? (DAMN!) Where the love go? (OH) / Five, four, three, two, I let one go (LET’S GO)

He talks about killing someone, but goes into really oddly specific detail (like his other song on the list), but here he specifies the “love going”. So it’s like, he knows he’s betraying this person he clearly cares for but his gangsta rap mentality inspired by 2Pac has hardened him to the point where he doesn’t care. The flow is catchy here, and Wayne sounds hungry, which is fitting for the subject matter.

Money over b****es, and above hoes (THAT’S WAYNE) / That is still my favourite love quote (C5) / Put the gun inside, what the f*** for? (OH) / I sleep with the gun, and she don’t snore (AHHHHHHHHHH)

This is Lil Wayne’s middle-age existential crisis narrated by hilarious yelling from Swizz Beatz adding punch to everything he says, and it’s fitting for a retrospective album such as Tha Carter V.

This the jungle, so have the utmost, for the nutzos and we nuts, so—(IGH!)

I really love this line, because it portrays how much of a chaotic growing up Wayne has had as a jungle, which he went into detail about during his Billboard interview, but he’s just come to accept himself as “nuts”, and he knows that’s unhealthy, but he’s at a point in his life where he just has to come to that as the only solution.

Listenin’ to Bono, you listenin’ to Donald (GODDAMN HE SAY WHAT?!)

Yeah, hit those far-right weirdos with this diss about you being superior to them because you listen to... U2, I guess? Nah, I prefer when I thought he said this:

Listenin’ to Bono, you listen to Don O.

Like Donny Osbourne? Now that’s a diss track line true music nerds would come up with.

I see the shovel, but where did bruh go? (TALK TO ‘EM WEEZY) Hmm, to the unknown (OH!) / Only way he coming back is through his unborns

He calls him “bruh” because he’s so familiar and close to the person he’s murdering, to the point that he knows that he has unborn children? This is either me thinking way too much into these lyrics or genius and grim storytelling from Wayne, and I’d like to think it’s both, and it’s also a hilarious experience if this is an existential crisis, simply because of Swizz Beatz’ existence on the beat.

TALK TO ‘EM WEEZY

#10

So as I’m writing this, Harverd Dropout by Lil Pump, his debut album, has yet to come out, but I’m thinking it’s probably going to suck (Edit: It did) because Lil Pump has made himself bland and uninteresting, or at least the labels have sucked all the ignorant raw energy out of him, because they don’t know why he was so cool in the first place. He was pure energy in the most sarcastic, SoundCloud way possible, without making awful folk albums like X, being boring like his friend Smokepurpp or the Migos, or being a pedophile like 6ix9ine. He was the least problematic of the wave, but he had more charisma and personality than those guys combined, mostly because his one-line hooks were insanely catchy, his beats banged (especially the ones with distorted, crazy basslines), and he had the wit he needed to stand out, with particularly funny lines and running gags always included in his two minutes or less tracks. Now why do I say this? Because I feel bad for Pump, he’s been ripped of its unique characteristics and is now just nothing but a faceless (albeit face-tatted) body for Quavo and executives to paint lyrics onto so they can be regurgitated onto “catchy” trap beats... and this is why I miss songs like this so much.

#10 – “Gucci Gang” – Lil Pump

Produced by Bighead and Gnealz – from the album Lil Pump – Year-End: #44 – Peak: #3

This song isn’t really anything special on the surface, because it’s just Lil Pump spitting a hook and singular verse over a great beat from Bighead and Gnealz, with eerie piano countermelodies being immediately blasted with a hilariously heavy bassline, but that beat, regardless of how strong it is on its own, would be nothing without Pump, and he has no filter in this song, especially since he just calls out a popular brand of airlines by name, even though it was clearly his own fault when he was recklessly misbehaving on a plane because of drug influence... yeah, it doesn’t seem like I actually enjoy the song because of this ramble but that’s the best part of the song, his lyrics, especially when the beat cuts out for Pump to just spout his... “lyrical genius” onto pure silence, with an amount of dopey confidence that makes his family drug operations with his grandmother seem profound.

They kicked me out the plane off a Percocet / Now Lil Pump flyin’ private jet (yuh) / Everybody scream, “F*** WestJet!” (F*** ‘em!) / Lil Pump still sell that meth (yuh)

And he ends off the song with the words that started it all.

Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang

...As the audience realise, Lil Pump has learned nothing and none of the last two minutes and four seconds were of any substance, and wasted your time. That is the genius of “Gucci Gang” – it catches your attention for only two minutes but it feels like more and it feels like something better, something special and most importantly, something mesmerising, for those 124 seconds, then crushes all of your expectations by ending with a cheap fade out. Esketit, indeed.

Other than #2, I feel like this is the hardest one to explain, but I’ll try and get through it. See, Taylor Swift is a very talented songwriter, but her best ever decision was to link up with Jack Antonoff, as the music she’s produced with him has been her most intriguing yet, and I think she could potentially make an amazing album if they really perfected their pop song formula. Swift did take a turn though, a darker one, that involved both a #1 hit and her worst year on the charts yet, as it’s hard to even think that Taylor Swift had a sleeper hit this year. She seems to be doing okay with the tour and all, but I do feel bad for how a lot of people turned on her when she really should be excluded from this narrative... and she would be if she stopped talking about it and making an entire album about her “tainted reputation” that wouldn’t really exist if she didn’t pipe up about it—

#9 – “Delicate” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Max Martin and Shellback – from the album reputation – Year-End: #24 – Peak: #12

This song wasn’t even written by Jack Antonoff, but a lot of reputation was, and even in the non-Antonoff songs you can tell that his influence rubbed off on Taylor, with the beautiful vocoder effect put onto Taylor’s vocals in the intro and the spacey 80s-influenced production, especially with the vibrant synths in the pre-chorus that work as an excellent build-up to a drop that never happens, because Taylor’s still curious about it being soon. I don’t know what the lyrics are about, and I don’t care, because they’re catchy and even kind of odd and janky, so you can tell Taylor wrote some of them. Yeah, the songwriting and storytelling is subtle but all over the place at the same time, I think it’s mostly nonsensical, none of the Genius explanations really make much sense to me – but that’s fine, because it doesn’t attempt to really be all that serious. When it sounds like it, it’s immediately contrasted with the fun, melodramatic 80s synths, the absolutely beautiful bridge and the pitch-shifted vocals. From what I can gather, it’s written like it’s her talking to a guy, but it’s actually her reputation? Eh, who cares? This song is a fun slice of traditional pop in a year that had literally none, and like I said, it’s hard to explain what works about this song, but I think it’s the imperfect songwriting, because that’s Taylor’s main appeal to me. Even in her poppier, more “sell-out” efforts, you can tell that it’s home grown and not entirely polished. The production and songwriting does feel “delicate” in that regard... Huh.

Oh, yeah, speaking of people being delicate... and Taylor Swift...

#8 – “Yikes” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West – from the album ye – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #8

Now this song is a joke. I thought it was a legitimate expression of his struggles with bipolar disorder, but he said that he doesn’t have it, and then he said he needs meds for it? I’m not entirely sure about his status but as a fan, as long as the music’s good and he’s mentally okay, that’s all I’m worried about. Now about this song being a joke, well, yeah, it’s a joke at Kanye’s expense.

S*** could get menacing, frightening, find help / Sometimes I scare myself, myself

When he’s off the medication, when he’s crazy, when he doesn’t know what he’s going to do next, he panics, understandably, but instead of making a dramatic fuss about it, he makes a fun trap-influenced banger with several jokes pulling fun at potentially “problematic” or sensitive topics, but it’s his best material in a while, running off with Juvenile’s “Ha” flow, in the first verse, talking about how he’s scared of getting #MeToo’d (surprisingly he’s avoided that), how he made TMZ watchable by turning it into “Smack DVD, hanh” and how he got resurrected by drugs after he thinks he’s run creatively dry, which is something he’s mentioned on Twitter afterwards.

Yeezy, Yeezy trollin’ OD, hanh

I like this line as it demonstrates how there’s a thin line between Kanye “trolling” and joking around, and legitimately being dependent on hard drugs or medication to the point where he could inevitably overdose, and covering that up with humour, which is what he’s been doing his whole career: playing the underdog whilst covering all his insecurities in bragging about, as he said himself, “money, hoes and rims again”.

The second verse is hilarious too, as he rambles about how he hates hospitals and would rather be in North Korea smoking with Wiz Khalifa (presumably in his cool pants), whilst cheating on his wife, Kim Kardashian.

Ask your homegirl right now, you had a shot at Ye? You drop everything!

I love these spoken word interludes as it’s just primal Kanye releasing pure thoughts, especially in the outro, where he brilliantly says that his bipolar disorder is just a “superpower” instead of just a mental illness, and whether this is unhealthy or a legitimate attempt at normalising mental health issues we don’t really know, you never do with Kanye, but one thing’s for sure: this song is a great example of honesty on record, and it really shines in those stand-up comedy moments throughout. Oh, and that melody is just like three seconds of a string sample from another piece of music pitched down, cut and time-stretched to sound like a vocal saying “hey”, DJ Mustard style. Now that’s genius.

I’m so. Freaking. Glad this. Song exists.

#7 – “Mine” – Bazzi

Produced by Bazzi and Rice ‘n’ Peas – from the album COSMIC – Year-End: #21 – Peak: #11

Don’t get me wrong, this song is pure aesthetic-pop, music that only exists for the “vibe” and has no substance or artistic merit, in the lyrics or the composition. This is Snapchat filter level R&B... hence why it was used as a Snapchat filter and became a meme because of it. Although that stodgy flute melody can’t be denied, and I like how the filter starts off filtered before becoming entirely honest and blunt, because this is just Bazzi expressing pure love for this girl, although his motives are disputed throughout.

Hit it from the back and drive you wild

Throughout the whole song, you know for a fact that this man just wants sex, despite how genuine he attempts to be, and that’s the appeal, it’s Instagram filter pop because he puts a filter on something that is really ugly, natural and primal: lust. That’s not only pretty funny to me but it makes all the bluntly delivered lines feel not only like lies but manipulation – like when he chuckles right after crooning “eyes”, like, yeah, you care about her eyes, sure, Bazzi, sure. And then there’s the twinkly drop, with quite literally a twinkle prior to the chorus, and a cute synth that plays throughout, as well as multi-tracked vocal harmonisations that immediately come to a stop for an 8-bit escalation sound... Yeah, I don’t know what the deal with that is either but it all adds to the song’s statement of sorts: This isn’t what I really think, and the synths in the background are emphasising the lie. It’s cutesy, but in the most scummy way.

Waste this night away with me, you’re mine

“Yeah, waste it, because that’s all it’ll be, a complete waste, because I don’t care, I just want to pamper you until you’re in bed with me.” The mini-rap verse in the second verse with those cheesy Rhodes pianos is hilarious, especially the last line about turning her into a bride. Now, that’s an innuendo I don’t want to explain.

I can’t look away, I just gotta say

Yeah, he can’t look away, but he can’t even bring himself to say that the girl is his, because she isn’t. He doesn’t want her to be either, he doesn’t care, he just wants sex and it’s evident throughout the whole experience, with all these cloudy synthesizer melodies covering a storm of lust and sex-fuelled deceit.

Eminem is a great technical rapper, and sometimes he is funny, sometimes he has a couple good flows and subject matter that makes a decent song. If this was the early 2000s, I wouldn’t need to specify technicality. I could have just said, “Eminem is a great rapper”, and I would need no other introduction to this entry on the list, but Eminem has fallen off, especially in recent years, with a couple awful records, including his biggest misstep, Revival, which, frankly, everyone hated. There’s no beating around the bush here, there is no critic who really enjoyed this album too much, so as a response, Em dropped a remix to his song “Chloraseptic” where he mocked them (and missed the point)... but that wasn’t enough.

#6 – “Lucky You” – Eminem featuring Joyner Lucas

Produced by Boi-1da, Illa da Producer, Eminem and Jahaan Sweet – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #6

See, it’s that one intense bell melody that makes this song so good, not the orchestral or piano riffs added onto it, not the brass, not the rapping, not the lyrics, but that bell loop, because that’s what makes this song so urgent and intense, and so furious. If the bell loop was any slower or pitched lower, this song wouldn’t bang nearly as much, but it’s not like Joyner and Em wouldn’t try. Like I said there’s a heavy bass and trap percussion here, and it’s great, but Joyner Lucas goes off, essentially yelling in his first chorus before the smooth transition to Joyner’s verse, where he essentially just lets everyone know he’s back on his BS, while proving all of the rappers that are charting from one hit that he’s been there for a decade and still isn’t quitting, and despite people wanting him tied down, he is the “underdog who never lost hope”, as he says himself, and is finally finding success. Not only do I love his verse’s content, other than the part where he says some homophobic slurs in Spanish for some reason, but his flow is awe-inspiring. It’s simple but charismatic, constantly switching and it’s still clear what he’s saying, even in the fast-rap section. It’s pretty cool, to say the least, especially the last line, which is just kind of hilarious:

Snakes in the grass trying to slither fast, I just bought a f***ing lawnmower (VROOM)

Then he passes the mic to Eminem, who repeats the chorus with a couple differences, notably how he doesn’t believe his Grammys were well-deserved or earned, until the bass drops and he somehow trumps Joyner so much that it’s not even funny. While I don’t necessarily agree with what he says about the new wave rap, Em doesn’t seem to, either? He says that he feels bad for all the lean these guys are doing (to the point where they have brain damage) and that he doesn’t hate trap, but no one in the game is like his old fueds with Ja Rule, Benzino and, uh, Mariah Carey, or even technically great enough to make him have the fire to snap and make great music again like his friends used to force him back in the day. He needs the desire to snap back at the criticism, but he doesn’t have it, and—wow, this is the most self-deprecating brag-rap song I’ve ever heard. Then they both finish off the song by repeating the first part of Joyner’s verse, and it’s all come full circle, but not a single moment was wasted. Oh, Eminem went quicker than “Rap God” on this one as well, that’s pretty impressive to say the least. Next.

Wow, we’re already in the top five – now, these are the five (or in this case, six) songs I have the most trouble explaining, because to be this high on the list, you have to have some form of connection with me, because it has to last the whole year and I have to still care about it enough to write about it passionately. I first heard this song in late 2017 and honestly, it’s still growing on me and could easily be my #1 by the end of this year, but that’s beside the point. How do I write about this song? How do I gather my thoughts on “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes without yelling profanities at the top of my lungs?

OH! F***! S***! B****! / YOUNG SHECK WES AND I’M GETTING REALLY RICH (CHING CHING)

Honestly, I have no idea, so just read me try and make sense of this song.

#5 – “Mo Bamba” – Sheck Wes

Produced by 16yrold and Take a Daytrip – from the album MUDBOY – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #6

“Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes is raw, and makes you think Sheck Wes is an absolute beast with no remnants of human characteristics, because he can’t really be a human if you take only his music into account. He’s either a droning robot man or a confused, furious animal that’s been caged for too long and is trying to get out, but can only yell the word “bitch” at the cage so many times. That iconic piano line is given like two seconds to play out before being interrupted by producer tags and the bass-heavy beat, with Sheck Wes just moaning about people calling his phone in the most dreary way possible (no autotune either to add artificial vibrato), with only ad-libs to hype up the droning slog of a performance, and those ad-libs absolutely help, especially those ring-rings and the iconic ad-lib you know him for, but also the panting and the maniacal laughter. I couldn’t care less about what Sheck is saying, I’m pretty sure it’s violent, but I don’t care. Then he takes a long, odd pause, just to continue like nothing happened, as the chorus continues with a slight increase in energy. Then he mentions Drake.

Call me Drake how a n**** control—

Then the beat cuts out because Take a Daytrip’s ancient computer lags, what do you do? Well, scream like a madman, of course. What else to do? You’ve freestyled the whole song, you’re on a roll, don’t let that stop you, Sheck Wes... and he really doesn’t, because he goes insane and we just have to listen with our jaws dropped for that one verse, and I can barely describe in words how that feels, that one verse is just transcendent in a weird way. It’s a release of anger and frustration that you have with the song droning on, that Sheck Wes has with the hoeeeeeeeeees caaaaaallllling, and it feels so raw and energetic, like one man against the world and he tells them to stick it in the purest way possible, by yelling profanities, threatening violence and making ching-ching sounds in the background, and it’s reasonable, because you’ve gotten through one and a half minutes of just one constant routine and this is your one big break... until it just continues like normal, until it stops abruptly so Sheck Wes can have his own mini-verse about the DOOOOOOOPE and gettin’ rich with his BROOOOOOOOOS and taking YOUR girl and she don’t even let you KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

Now this one is an actual tie, not like #15, because this one has a genuine connection that isn’t subjective or only a loose relation, but I decided to tie these because they’re both excellent and brilliant songs produced by the one and only Pharrell Williams. Let’s just forget about Sweetener, and get mad ethnic right now.

#4 – “Lemon” – N.E.R.D. and Rihanna

Produced by Pharrell Williams and Kuk Harrell – from the album NO_ONE EVER REALLY DIES – Year-End: #83 – Peak: #36

The truth will set you free, but first it’ll piss you off.

N.E.R.D. made an amazing comeback in December of 2017 with the crazy good album NO_ONE EVER REALLY DIES, although it kind of got overshadowed by releases from BROCKHAMPTON and Eminem with more longevity, which is unfortunate because it’s one of the best albums I’ve heard from this decade. I own it on CD and at any chance I get to talk about it, I will. There are three versions of this song that all technically charted, but the one with Rihanna is the prime version. There’s a solo version and a Drake remix, but honestly why would you bother when this exists?

It starts with a manic bounce-influenced hyphy beat, reminding me of the Triggerman beat that bounce producers used to use back in the day and still do in Miami scenes, but unlike “Nice for What” by Drake, which just kind of lifted the sound and didn’t develop it or do anything interesting with it, Pharrell raps on the plucky synths and 808s like he was in an intense police car chase, fitting as the song is about authority and race politics which I’m not going to get into, because I don’t care, I just want to be bouncing around, bouncin’ to the sounds of hate supplements found right in their couches... what?

Yeah, that’s an actual lyric, but he doesn’t just spout nonsense over a bounce beat, no, he switches it with a stretched 808 section, using an Instagram video from a social media comedian and a blood-curdling shriek as a transition, then turns into a trap beat for Rihanna to brag on, and by God, I think I’m in love. This is the best performance, hands down, on the Year-End list, no question. Her flow, which switches throughout, is constantly slick and her delivery is powerful, carefree and fantastic.

Woo! This beat tastes like lunch

After a freaking Star Trek reference, it goes back to Pharrell talking about bath salt as his vocals are twisted in every possible way imaginable, as he raps about pulling up in a broken car not because he doesn’t have money, but because “your eyes get acidic”. Oh, N.E.R.D., please don’t leave us for this long next time. Wait, wait a minute--

Also #4 – “Stir Fry” – Migos

Produced by Pharrell Williams – from the album Culture II – Year-End: #48 – Peak: #8

Oh, he also produced this, just to show his versatility and Goddamn, is this one a great flip of the classic Mohawks “The Champ” sample, making an almost difficult beat. Pharrell, the genius producer he is, just lifts pretty much everything possible from this song, from the off-kilter snares, bongos and cricket sound effects from the whistles in the original, for the Migos to flow over, and I love the coating of keys every few bars that harmonises with the refrain, now that is godly production, especially for a top 10 trap-rap song, which I can only barely describe it as, really. I love Quavo’s eerily droning melodies in the refrain, before the hook that leads perfectly into Offset’s amazing verse, which is really short but also has a rapid flow to it, like it’s so fun and energetic, really proving how despite competition from Quavo’s brilliant ear for melody and hooks, Takeoff’s chilled rap skills, he is the best Migo.

Oh, there’s this distortion coming in on like the third chorus which is just an ugly synth that disappears immediately when Takeoff comes in, for one of his shortest yet best verse, until he copies Quavo’s refrain in the funniest way, where Takeoff knows he can’t sing, so makes his shoddiest effort possible and it’s majestically awful, like it’s seriously such an interesting experience to have Takeoff essentially croon off-key moaning about how everyone’s watching him in your ear, it’s oddly soothing and by God, I think I’m in love again. Everything I said about “Lemon” applies here, it’s manic, insane, somehow not a cluster of random sounds despite being just that, and finishes way too quickly when it deserves and can easily take another minute or two doing its thing. Pharrell brings out the best in everyone, even two homophobic weirdos and Takeoff.

So this is the hottest take of the bunch, and I think I like this because it’s a catchy, fun pop song in a year that didn’t have many, but it’s also probably because I’m lame and like sincere songs about love as well as awfully misleading “I just want to get into her pants” songs that pretend they’re sincere songs about love, and this is just a song like that... except it’s both? And it’s not really about love at all?

#3 – “I Like Me Better” – LAUV

Produced by LAUV – from the album I met you when I was 18. (the playlist) – Year-End: #35 – Peak: #27

This song is way too robotic to be about love, it’s way too stiff and way too sad. There’s not even a real flower on the single cover art, that is a plastic replica, I tell you. I think it’s about LAUV’s caffeine addiction. See, that’s why the guitar is scratchy and you can hear every single slap and string being hit with a twang, every single mistake, it’s organic, unlike the rest of the song. The guitar and his passion for music and songwriting is the only remnant of his personality before the first time when he got morning coffee, which caused him to stay for a long time and get addicted, eventually causing himself to believe that he has to rely on caffeine to live and he’s only productive when he’s—

Falling in love for the first time and being in a four-year relationship that taught me everything about myself, the world and how to love. – LAUV about the album this song originates from

Well, nevermind. Then why is it so stodgy? Is it because this love doesn’t exist, because if anything from the interview, it seems it does. The main drop melody is actually a vocal sample manipulated which I think represents the sheer emotion he’s feeling when he’s in love, how he can’t even find the words to describe this relationship that’s almost trapped himself into a cycle of fake finger-snaps and falsettos. Is its cutesy disguise and ugly drop supposed to be his facade disappearing and him finally realising love doesn’t mean anything and he’s been manipulating himself this whole time? Honestly, I don’t know, and I’m not going to over-think it anymore. This is a dude that’s just genuinely in love, or at least was, and is longing for her to stay with them, because LAUV thinks that when he’s around his true love, his soulmate, or at least who he thinks is his soulmate at the time, he’s a better person because of them, and he also said in that interview that the album is about him finding the ability to trust himself, so I think this is his first step, finding someone he can confide into. I like that, and I think this song’s head-in-the-clouds nature and atmosphere expresses that perfectly because he’s found himself in something he can’t safely get himself out of, but he doesn’t mind. It’s cool with him.

I like me better when I’m with you

It’s a pretty nice acoustic tune with some nice, dramatic synth work and a confusing yet perfect drop, and despite me having no clue what to think about it, really, I definitely know that I love how it sounds and I’m excited to hear more of LAUV in the future...

...Man, what did I just do? I put freaking LAUV on my best list, how humiliating is that? How am I ever going to be taken seriously when I put LAUV on my list of the best songs of 2018? Hopefully I can redeem myself with my choice for #2, Rae Sremm—What?

#2 – “Powerglide” – Rae Sremmurd (Swae Lee and Slim Jxmmi) featuring Juicy J

Produced by Mally Mall, Jean-Marie Hovart and Mike WiLL Made-It – from the album SR3MM (specifically disc 1, which is also titled SR3MM) – Year-End: #97 – Peak: #28

Yeah, the credits for this one are really THAT convoluted. Anyway, this one barely made the Year-End list and barely counted for this list, but even if it didn’t, this would be on the list, maybe lower for the sake of sticking to the rules though. Anyway, this is a Memphis rap song that just straight-up takes the beat from an old Three 6 Mafia song, bass-boosts it and has Rae Sremmurd rap on it about cars and strippers. So, what’s so special about it? Everything. It immediately puts you in that pump-up mood with Swae’s fun “yeah” ad-libs over intense strings and then the producer tags lead into the bass that knocks way too hard. The hook is way catchier than it has any right to be, and it’s just a simple flow but it’s so fun and swift, especially over this classic beat, with Swae dripping charisma from both his standard high-pitched singing vocals and his autotuned falsetto mumbling. In fact, the song as a whole is so positive. The lyrics may seem just like the standard rap fare because, really, they are, but they’re all so happy, upbeat and delightful, because this song is about respecting strippers for their work... in a car which is apparently just as good as an original generation Transformer. Cool, I guess?

R.I.P. Lil Peep, I gotta slow down on them Xans (HEY!)

Yeah, rest in peace to Lil Peep, and this line from Juicy J should be a message to rappers who are more careless about their hard drug use, it will mess you up and can kill you if you get an untrustworthy dose of fentanyl, be careful, guys. Wait, wasn’t this song about cars? Anyway, back to the song being positive, here’s a quote from Swae Lee that describes how cheery this song actually is, regarding the lyric, “she finer than a motherlover”.

I had to say it in the softest way. I want to say she’s beautiful, basically. She finer than a motherf***er—that’s kind of harsh. – Swae Lee on Genius’ Verified

That’s so pure. Just listen to the hook, which is already catchy and fun, and you can see how passive yet joyful this song is.

Kush all in my lap because these hoes don’t want to roll it

He’s not going to force them to smoke if they do not want to, he’s just going to put it in his lap. How nice of you. This whole song is about doing the usual rapper schtick, getting strippers to dance for you and smoke with you in a fast luxury car whilst wearing designer clothing, but they’re so respectful about it. Slim Jxmmi brings so much charisma to the track in his verse, and even shouts out the strippers directly, and says that sex workers and strippers shouldn’t be degraded just because of their line of work.

Might just leave with me tonight, but that don’t mean she a freak hoe / F*** with dancers and models, shout out them girls who get dollars

Jxmmi even specifies that if she wants, she can dance with her friends.

Shake that a** with your bestie

How nice of you, how respectful. Honestly I’m talking about the lyrics because there’s not much to say about the performers or the beat, it doesn’t change for the most part and each performer brings a unique delivery that keeps the turnt up vibe of the song. It’s an absolute banger and one of the best of 2018.

Much cooler than the cool kids, whoa

That’s cute, Swae. That’s cute. The song ends with Swae just chanting “hey” over and over and that’s a perfect way of finishing this banger, albeit abruptly. Uh, what else do I have to say about this? Uh, Slim Jxmmi is the best out of Rae Sremmurd and while I expected Swae Lee to have the bigger solo career, I am disappointed that it wasn’t Jxmmi, because he is such a legitimately fun and hype personality that I wish got more recognition. There’s a MuchDank video that replaces words in this song with “peanut butter” and it’s hilarious. Juicy J’s a legend. R.I.P. Lil Peep. Now it’s time for the big one.

After struggles with the label pulling him down and not letting him release music, and Birdman’s constant abuse and mismanagement, Lil Wayne managed to free himself in a court case and have a resurgence in the mainstream, mostly due to the release of his best album yet, Tha Carter V. Now I’ve already talked about “Uproar”, but now for the truly genius storytelling track on the record, and probably my favourite song that either artist has ever made, lasting longer than five minutes, that somehow nearly debuted at #1 on Billboard. Screw you, Maroon 5.

#1 – “Mona Lisa” – Lil Wayne featuring Kendrick Lamar

Produced by Infamous – from the album Tha Carter V – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #2

How in the mother of God does this song not have a Wikipedia page? This track is cinematic and presents itself beautifully, especially its story, which is about Wayne observing a deceptive woman who Wayne hires in order to rob a dude after the woman succeeds in seducing him for weeks and gaining his trust, before being betrayed. Kendrick then shifts the perspective to the “boyfriend” and talks about his feelings as he’s being deceived. That is the story in a nutshell, but the track makes it feel like a blockbuster movie.

We start with a light piano melody with Kendrick riffing a little refrain briefly before that lighter flick, which feels more tense than ever, as he sums up Wayne’s role as the mafia boss who essentially just sends women to hunt these men so Wayne can have the loot while not caring about himself or the dude they’re robbing. It’s awful and dreadful, and that’s why Kendrick’s verse is so good, because it gives a bigger picture to both perspectives and doesn’t just become a pointless, one-sided track from Wayne’s autotuned, braggadocios side of the story.

I see n****s in this b****, stuntin’, poppin’ bottles / Gettin’ drunk with these b****es, and when they leave they get followed / Fall asleep with that b**** and really don’t know much about her / Then she let us in, we take all of your s*** and when you wake up, she help you try to find it / I love it

Yeah, essentially, thanks, Wayne, for making my commentary and synopsis entirely unnecessary by explaining the whole thing in the first few bars. Wayne does later go into grim detail about the situation, with some really clever lines here and there.

Watch your mouth, Milli Vanilli (Ooh)

That b**** ain’t no angel, I treat her halo like a Frisbee

Lil Wayne’s intense second verse develops the story by detailing his experience with the girl named Liz who is one of the women he hired, as he hides in the bushes outside, turns music on to distract him and follows her into the house, then turning the music down and putting a gun to his frown, as he says in the song, just to get the pure satisfaction of seeing his terrified face as he is being robbed and killed by Wayne and his gang, as he finds out that Liz has been deceiving him. It’s fantastically evil, with the spacey beat only furthering this atmosphere. I love the comparison to Mona Lisa’s ambiguous smile as well. The song seems like it would end at about three and a half minutes in, but then...

Kendrick Lamar comes in with an ad-lib, he’s that good, and impresses over an orchestral instrumentation, beeping noises, distorted multi-tracked vocals of his own lyrics and police sirens... what? He then shifts his perspective to Liz’s “boyfriend” after he’s being robbed, panicking and sniffing around Liz, completely flabbergasted by this fake story that he’s been believing for weeks, maybe months, years, on end, and it all wasn’t worth it – and it’s all executed excellently, sometimes it’s really funny too, especially in that blip where Lil Wayne’s hit “Lollipop” comes up on Liz’s ringtone, it’s great. Both brought their A-game here, and when it comes to the end of Kendrick’s verse, well...

You scandalous as f*** and I hope you blow up / You know what? I give up, let me go get my gun / I got one in the chamber, I’m plannin’ on aimin’, Goddamn it, you know that the damage is done / B****, I’m in emotional ‘cause I’m in stress / I’m not supposed to go through this, I guess / So in conclusion, since you like rappers that’s killin’ that p****, I’m killing myself

Well? Do you expect me to say anything about that? It’s pretty self-explanatory, and with Kendrick Lamar’s rapid flow, it sounds insane. This song is one of the most perplexing hits of the year, but it’s one that actually requires you to think. It tells a story. Sure, it’s dreary like the worst of the year instead of joyful like its runner-up but it’s genius songwriting, all in a pop context, for five straight minutes, all elegantly orchestrated in a cinematic tone that makes it feel worth of a film adaptation. That’s what I like in pop music, when everyone has everything sorted out and it’s perfect, or imperfect, because every single little trait about the song has been ironed out and perfected to extend the song’s quality, personality, length, story and overall massive feeling. This is the peak of 2018 pop music, and I think that’s pretty safe to say, nobody expected this from Wayne in 2018, and with the amount of trouble Wayne had to go through to even get this released, with Birdman pulling its release for years to Martin Shkreli leaking a snippet and potentially meaning it never got out to the public ever, this feels triumphant, and an essential piece of music when examining the late 2010s, a time when the American public was that insanely depressed and downbeat that they let a song about hiring women to trick men into being robbed, leading to the man killing himself because he’s been living a lie, that lasts five minutes and doesn’t even have a hook, fight with a plastic, inoffensive Maroon 5 song for the #1 spot on the most prestigious music chart worldwide, and nearly bloody make it as well. And to think I nearly gave this to freaking Rae Sremmurd. Thank you, Lil Wayne, Kendrick Lamar and Infamous, thank you for “Mona Lisa”, the best hit song of 2018, by far – and thank you for reading, see you next time.

She say, “Ooh”, no emotion, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa / Now he gets the picture, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, yeah...

deadcactuswalking

0 notes

dubsdeedubs · 7 years

Text

A Diverging in the Wood [2/3]

hi sorry

Summary: Events shift. History rearranges. Another horror beyond human comprehension joins the fray during Weirdmageddon.

Good thing they're on the side of humanity.

[A/N: I Honestly don’t know how to explain the context to this and it’s been literally half a year since I’ve posted anything for it, but. Canon Divergence AU for this fic which is just sleeping, I promise. Features eldritch abomination Stan - it makes sense in context. Kind of.]

[AO3]

To Stanford's complete lack of surprise, hell was freezing cold.

Though a revolutionary discovery to be sure, he had doubts it would stand up to any reputable academic committee. The main issue was, his current location was more accurately described as "Ford Pines' Personal Pyramidal Hell" than the classic Judeo-Christian equivalent. Specifically, traits of demons present were more "horns and cloven feet" than "sixty-degree angles."

Unfortunately, that fact narrowed down the field of concerned individuals significantly. To two, actually - him and his fellow captive, the rather perturbed looking child (?) dancing frantically in a cage hanging from the ceiling.

Not Ford's oddest roommate experience, but it did make top five.

It was just one of those days. Weeks? Months? Extra-temporal periods of existence?

The worst part about the death of linear time, Ford thought to himself sadly, was the language involved.

He hung there in his chains for a moment that could have been a minute or a year, or anything in between. Not that it would have mattered. There was the occasional squeaking and click-clack of tap-dancing from above, but nothing here changed or grew or learned. This was his personal hell, after all.

Then on a day that could have been any other, a massive black hand reached through the opening to the chamber.

A moment afterwards, the rest of Bill Cipher followed through, folding out like a model ship in a bottle. His single large eye stared Ford down with evident glee.

"Heya, Fordsy!" He chirped. "How's it hanging?"

Bill snapped his finger, and a deafening rimshot echoed throughout the room. Stanford stared back at him blankly, his tongue limp and leaden in his mouth.

The demon let out an exaggerated sigh. "Tough audience, huh? Man, I miss the good ol' days. Just you, me, a meddling research assistant to drive insane, and a world-ending interdimensional portal to build.

You would've laughed at my jokes then," he said sulkily. "Heck, you would've done anything I told ya to do. Anything for your blessed muse - right, Sixer?"

Ford made no reply. There was a dull metallic taste in his mouth, his mind felt dazed and woolen, and there was something inexplicably funny about - well, everything. Who had come up with the interior design scheme for the Fearamid, anyways? Was being a fan of neon rainbow highlights another black mark on the long list of Bill Cipher's sins?

Somewhere on the fringes of Ford's awareness, Bill Cipher narrowed his eye in realization. He poked Ford with one smooth, black finger. The old man shifted slackly in his chains. "Oh, come on. Don't tell me I messed up on rewiring a few synapses or 7,283! How am I supposed to torture answers out of you if ya get to duck out of the consequences?" His glare turned thoughtful. "...Don't suppose you have anything to share about the barrier around this hick town now?"

Ford might not have been in his right mind, not anything close to it, but he knew there was only one way he could respond to that.

"No," he muttered hoarsely. His throat felt sore and his voice came out in a rasp, like he had been using it a lot recently. "Not to you."

"Oh, what a pity!" Bill said, his cheerful tone making it clear that to him, it was anything but. He snapped his fingers with obvious relish, the sound echoing sharply across the otherwise empty chamber.

Sensation rushed into his numb limbs, bringing with it the burning chafe of chains and a bone-deep exhaustion that washed over him with all the force of an ocean wave. He could hear a dim ringing sound in his ears now, and Ford swallowed down a sudden burst of nausea. His entire body felt like one unholy amalgation of bruise and electrical burn.

The briefest of moments later, so came logical thought. Bill was here, in front of him, for the first time in... a while. Their last meeting had ended especially - brutally, which explained Ford's previous - condition.

The most logical reason for the demon's long absence was that, at that point, Bill must have realized that torture by itself was pointless.

Which meant.

Bill would not have returned if he did not have new information, new bargaining pieces, new -

The list of reasons with which Ford could be convinced to bargain at all was short. Specifically, it was limited to three people. The thought of any of them in the clutches of the malicious, capricious chaos god before him chilled him to the core.

There was nothing funny about his situation now, not anymore.

"Why are you here, Cipher?" Ford asked with forced calm, every bit of restraint he could muster used to keep the dueling emotions of fear and fury from his face. "What do you have planned? You know that I -"

Bill let out a shriek of laughter. "You wound me, Sixer! Why can't I just have a nice conversation with an old friend?" The creature leaned closer, eye shining. "Geez, does everything have to have an ulterior motive with you?"

"There is no conversation I want to have with you, Cipher," Ford said shakily, voice barely a whisper. "Do not mock either of our intelligences by pretending I was anything close to a friend to you."

"Eh, friend, unwitting pawn…" Bill waved a large, spidery hand with calculated nonchalance. "Po-tay-toh, po-tah-toh. Don't be so sensitive, pal!"

"You have held me captive, kept me in chains, have tortured me to the brink of death -"

"Brink of? ...Ooh." The triangle winced exaggeratedly. "Oh right. I never told you!

"...W-what?" Ford asked hesitantly, before logic chased him down, pushed him to the ground, and poured a cold bucket of regret over his head and down his shirt. "No, actually, I don't ="

"Yea-ah, about that last part - tell ya what, Fordsy." Bill batted his eyelashes. "I've decided to turn over a, hah, new leaf. Call it making up for having you wait for so long!"

"I said I don't -"

"It's honesty hour here in the Fearamid, folks!" The triangle flung his hands up and out, practically beaming despite a lack of a mouth or real facial features. Glowing confetti burst from the air and scattered all over the landscape.

Then just as suddenly, he was close - too close, his solid black pupil inches away from Ford's flinching face.

"Oh, don't pretend like you're not INTERESTED, Sixer! You've always been a real smartypants, but I KNOW you've got mysteries ya can't figure out. So, HOW ABOUT IT? A little secret to start with, just to give omnipotence a test run?"

There was no doubt for Stanford that - whatever Bill was building up to - was not something he wanted to know. His tongue had already gone instinctively to the roof of his mouth, ready to form the harsh consonant sound of the 'no' that he wanted to, had to say.

But there was a dangerous glint in the demon's single eye, one that made it clear that his question was no question at all.

He sighed. There was a time and a place for everything, and 'enraging a chaos god' was no exception. He still had no idea where or how Dipper and Mabel were. (Or Stanley.) His pride was not worth the safety of his family.

"Fine," Ford said blandly, determinedly keeping all emotion from his face. He refused to give Bill the pleasure of watching him squirm. "A little... secret."

Even without a mouth, Bill gave off the distinct impression of a smirk.

"Weeeell," he drawled, spinning his cane casually. With no apparent process of transformation, he was suddenly dozens of times smaller than before, around the size he maintained in Ford's memories of past dreams. "So. I, uh, miiiiight have taken it a bit too far a time or two with these things."

Electricity sparked around Bill's raised hand in demonstration. Ford flinched back instinctively.

"Y'know. Used a little too much juice, sizzled an organ that shouldn't have been sizzled. Beginner's mistake."

Bill shrugged nonchalantly and stretched out his thin arms in placation. "Hey, but I fixed ya back up, didn't I? Even made a few tweaks, free of charge!"

Ford stared at him silently, expression slack with slow dawning horror.

"What's with the long face? Focus on the big picture here for once," the demon said crossly. "You're alive! C'mon, no thanks for your favorite muse?"

No, this had to be another trick. Gods knew how many of those Bill Cipher had up his metaphorical sleeves. He was trying to - unnerve him, shake him, get him into that precarious mental place where he might actually be thrown off enough to make the mistake Bill had been waiting for all this time.

And the worst part was, it was working.

Already, his thoughts were going places where they shouldn't. Was resurrection even something Bill was capable of? How did that interfere with existing processes for death and life, if they even existed?

And yet... it would make a great deal of sense. Not only did Bill have little to no concept of human limits in regards to survival, Ford highly doubted he cared - not if he had a way of circumventing his mistakes. And, given that most of his own memory consisted of pain and occasional flashes of blue light, there were more than enough gaps in it to draw... damning conclusions.

But… if Bill was telling the truth, what did that mean for him?

Was he just a copy of a copy, ad nauseam, of an original, deceased Stanford Pines? Or was he just a reanimation, not much different from a simple -

Bill was looking at him now through a single half-lidded eye, both hands resting on the handle of his cane, his stare uncomfortably knowing. "Well, Sixer? You, of all people, should know how much I hate it when people make me wait."

As if struck, Ford straightened his back suddenly - and heard, disproportionately loud to his ringing ears, the familiar crackle of aged paper.

Like breaking through a trance, he held one trembling hand to pat the general location of his heart, and there it was - that slightest resistance pressing reassuringly against his chest. It was still there. Despite the decades, despite whatever had happened to him in his current captivity, it was there. He blinked rapidly, trying to dissipate the burning at his eyes.

And just like that, his previous concerns were wiped from his mind.

Ford let out a breath. Of course. He had been being ridiculous.

Bill would not have known about the tattered photograph he kept hidden under his clothing, strapped to his chest - nor would he have understood the significance of it.

Therefore, if Ford really had been remade in a way that departed from who he was before, into something Bill wanted him to be... then the picture would not have the same effect on him. It certainly wouldn't have this effect on him.

"I'm disappointed, Cipher." Ford's voice sounded distant to his own ears. "That bit of information is a waste of omnipotence. But then again, perhaps I shouldn't be so surprised - you also made the decision to tear down the walls between dimensions, effectively end an entire universe, and for what? To have a party?"

Bill bristled, visibly affected by his gibe. "I'll have ya know, Sixer, we've got more time punch here than any other point in existence. This ain't just a party, bucko! It's the party!"

"You're right," Ford said hoarsely. "I am an idiot, Bill."

His captor turned slowly, single eye open in pleasant surprise and baited anticipation -

"But not because I trusted you." He wet his dry mouth. "I'm an idiot because I thought you were ever worth worshipping."

The triangle demon was quiet for a long, long moment.

Regardless of exactly how long it went in linear terms, it was definitely enough time for Ford to review his words and mentally curse himself for mouthing off. There was nothing Bill could do to him that he hadn't done previously. But with his family's survival in the balance, it was an extremely stupid move of him to push an already erratic, capricious creature into -

"Well," said Bill slowly, "well, WELL."

There was a note of deep anticipation in his voice, obvious even as the volume of it climbed to deafening levels. "GOOD OL' SIXER, HUH? I knew there was a reason I liked you more than the other fleshbags. Always jumping the GUN. And here I thought you'd APPRECIATE the build-up! BUT HEY, I SURE DON'T WANNA KEEP YA WAITING!"

He snapped his fingers and the chains holding Ford up disappeared suddenly from around his limbs. There was a heart-stopping second or two of freefall as the world around him blurred and reformed -

- then he landed, inexplicably enough, on what looked to be an oversized therapy chair that - he noticed blearily - matched the neon color scheme of the Fearamid.

Ford lunged forwards on an instinctive attempt at escape before bands of eerily glowing blue substance shot out from the handles and wrapped themselves around his wrists, holding him tightly in place.

"LEMME TAKE A WILD GUESS, SIXER! All ya wanna know about now is how that squishy little family of yours is doing." Bill sat on a stool next to the chair, squinting at a little notepad and pencil he held in his hands. After a moment of deliberation, he burnt them both in blue flame. "BOOORING! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE GUY I USED TO KNOW, HUH?"

"You did."

Bill ignored him. "I can't even interest you in the solution to the Hodge Conjecture? What about the Computational Theory of Mind? You're KILLING me here, FORDSY!"

"Either tell me what happened to my family, or -"

"Or?" The triangle asked in anticipation, leaning forward. "OR? Tell me, Fordsy, what exactly is it that you wanna do to me? Got another dimensional gun hidden up your sleeves? A muicide detonator strapped to your left ankle?"

"Or bring back the chains," Ford spat. "I'm tired of your games, Cipher. I know what you want from me, and no amount of sidestepping will make me forget it."

Bill leaned back again. If Ford didn't know better, he would have said he looked disappointed. "Oh, don't give yourself a heart attack, Sixer - that doesn't come for a few more decades! 'Sides, honesty hour's still on, and what with me killing linear time, you've still got…" He checked a watch-less wrist. "...eternity!"

Ford licked his stinging lips. There was no question that he had to play along. Especially with Bill dangling his family's fates in front of him like this. There was no doubt that there was something unsaid - something that the triangle was positively raring to share.

He thought through his words for a long time.

"Are they hurt?" Ford asked at last, still wary, unwilling to even consider the other alternative. Dipper had the Journals with him, though in hindsight, giving those books to him was a decision Ford deeply regretted - it was the equivalent of a bright red target on his back. And Mabel had been outside when Weirdmageddon had began, lost somewhere in the woods (and there was another burst of guilt there, because he shouldn't have done… that. Why did he possibly think it would have ended well? This was the second time he had made the exact same mistake.) "Are they… safe?"

"Oh," Bill said dismissively, "Pine Tree and Shooting Star are just fine. From a certain point of view! But they're alive and breathing and doing everything you humans do… just a whole lot less of it."

Ford jerked forward, a movement aborted by the thick bands of cosmic material holding him down. The triangle waved a placating hand. "I'm kidding, Sixer! Geez, talk about not bein' able to take a joke! They're both holed up in that Shack of theirs, and I have to say… real good job on the unicorn hair barrier. Very…" His voice darkened. "Clever. But you always were, weren't you, Fordsy?"

Realization dawned. "...You can't see inside the Shack at all, can you?"

"Never tried!" Bill exclaimed, and Ford knew he wasn't imagining the fact that the dream demon had responded a little too quickly. "Bunch of dinged up humans, huddled up and marinating in their own fluids like time sardines in a can… can I say booo-ring?"

Despite his best efforts, Ford sagged in relief. For all his age and near-omnipotent knowledge, Bill was at his core a childish being. His family was safe, hidden away in the Shack. Maybe powerless, unable to fight back at all against the extradimensional creatures rampaging through the town… but alive and uninjured - because if they were otherwise, Bill would certainly have mentioned it.

"Hey, what's with the hurry?" Ford blinked in slow confusion. "Aren't ya forgetting someone, Sixer?"

Bill shrugged. "Actually, can't say I'm surprised! I mean, you sure have had a lot of experience forgetting about him in the past -"

Ah. Ford frowned. "My brother is safe in the Shack," he said coldly. "Try another one, Cipher."

No, there had been no forgetting involved. Just the simple fact that the kids had been in direct danger and therefore, had been at the foreground of Ford's panic. Stanley, on the other hand, had been inside the Shack the last Ford remembered, and at any rate, could not have gotten far enough from shelter in the few minutes before the start of Weirdmageddon to be in any real danger.

And... while his brother made indubitably unwise decisions, he doubted that even Stan would casually venture out into the post-apocalyptic wasteland.

(...without reason. Which meant, unless the kids had not made it to the Shack immediately and Stanley had noticed their disappearance. Or unless... no, it was stupid - but then, this was Stanley - his brother had gone outside to look for him -)

"Sounding a bit too sure there," Bill remarked, leaning back and swinging his black cane in one fluid motion. "But you've been doing some assuming over there, haven't ya? And... we both know what that does - don't we, Fordsy?"

He wants me to ask him, Ford thought distantly. He wants me to ask him about Stanley.

There was an obvious answer to the question of 'why' - his brother had been captured, or injured, or. But he also understood - as much as anyone could, really - the spiteful polygon of overgrown immaturity before him, enough to know that there was something more here. Bill wanted to enjoy this game, and he was drawing it this long to make up for -

"Well?"

Ford, on the other hand, was sick of playing games. "Cut to the chase, Cipher. What did you do to my brother?" He demanded, rising as much as he count against the binds holding him down to the cartoonishly oversized therapy chair.

"What an accu-sation! I haven't done anything, Sixer." Ford flinched, despite himself. "...For once. Nah, Fordsy, the question you should be asking is, what has your brother done to himself?"

"I don't understand," he said carefully.

"Oh come on - you're smarter than this!" Bill bemoaned, sounding almost disappointed. "You spent ten years in this dump of a supernatural hot spot, you know what kind of things are lurking about in its corners. You knew what you were getting into - oh, don't give me that look, I saw your cute little handwritten guide on fae technical wording." Ford flushed red. "Stan-o, however…"

His tone turned contemplative. "All that knucklehead had was one of your little cryptid diaries and good ol' fashioned desperation. And we both know how dangerous that is in Gravity Falls - don't we, Fordsy? How many things out here would be all too willing to take advantage?"

"My brother isn't an idiot," Ford said flatly. "He wouldn't have fallen for the tricks of - creatures like you. He's better than that."

"Oh, I wouldn't be too sure - you know what they say about birds and feathers! Tell me, Fordsy - how has your brother been, since you've made it back? Does it feel like coming back home? Or… "

Bill prodded at Ford's chin with his cane, a thoughtful look in his single eye. "Is he different? Not how you remembered him? A - stranger?"

"It's been thirty years," he said dully, leaning his face back and away as much as he could. "People change. He changed. I changed."

"Oh, is that all it is?" Bill exclaimed in mock-surprise. "Or is that just what you're tellin' yourself?"

Ford was quiet.

"C'mon, Six Fingers. I know all about your habit of lying to yourself, but this is ri-di-culous. Before this summer, you haven't talked to - heck, seen - your brother for forty years. And that hour of beating the crud outta each other doesn't count! What's the difference to you between Stanley Pines and some guy off the street, huh?"

Ford refused to meet his eye. "You wouldn't understand," he muttered raspily. The demon went still. "You've never had a fami -"

"I don't NEED to understand!" Bill said loudly - shrieked, really, his one eye wide, as if he was shocked at his own vehemence.

"...No, y'know what, Stanford? I think you're the one who doesn't understand. In fact, I think there are plenty of things you don't understand. ...Good thing I'm here to get you up to speed."

The triangle's physical size hadn't changed - at least, not by Ford's own reckoning - but now, he loomed, his single unblinking pupil narrowed into a nearly imperceptible slit.

"Don'tcha know? Your real brother hasn't been around for a very, very long time, Fordsy."

"...What?" It sounded lame and ridiculous the moment it left his mouth, but there were no words that could be used for the current stunned confusion of Ford's mind. "I don't -"

Bill sighed once, for obvious effect. "Lemme tell ya about an old - pal of mine. Seems a bit overdue for an introduction, considering what they've been up to for the past -"

Then, just then, there was a deafening crunch.

The entire Fearamid shook in a massive jolt of movement. Several chunks of glowing extraterrestial building material cracked off and fell haphazardly from the ceiling, and Bill went abruptly quiet as he dodged to the side to avoid a hit to the eye.

Distantly, Ford heard the sound of demonic screeching and - human shouting?

Bill blinked once, slowly and disbelieving. Then, he swelled, growing twice - thrice - a dozen times his original size, bright crimson red and glowing like a supernova, his eye a glaring gold on black.

"WHAT IS IT N̮͍̠̠͓̻̝͖̬̗̅̄̂̽̀̂̓͊̍͠O̴̪̬̪̬͍͈̐̂̎̌̍̒̿͜W̶̭̹̝̟̱̑͆̉͑̿̇͋̕ͅ?" he demanded to no one in particular, bass voice loud enough to vibrate the leather under Ford's fingers.

The pseudo-therapy chair dissolved like mist, but a massive and inhuman black hand grabbed Stanford from mid-air before he could even mentally register the lack of physical reinforcement underneath his body.

He flinched. Around the two of them, the world distorted and reshaped itself into a room he had long mentally associated with the crackling of pain through his limbs and the odor of burnt cloth (and hair, and flesh, and -)

The walls had holes in them now, brutish and irregular, and through them Ford could just barely catch the occasional blur of fast-moving color beyond them. Color, and something he simply could not make out for the life of him.

Bill hummed in thought, vibrating like a naked wire. "...Huh. Would ya look at that?"

"P-please." Ford hadn't realized it was him who had spoken before his mouth was already open and he was babbling again, words rolling down his tongue and spilling out despite himself because who else in this damn town would storm the stronghold of a chaos god? Who else but - "Bill, please, don't do anything to them -"

"Looks like Truth or Dare's gonna have to wait a few," the demon said, tone light as a feather. Dimly, Ford realized he could see himself in Bill's huge dilated pupil. His reflection's mouth was open in a silent scream. "I've got a rebellion to crush into bonemeal! And who knows… Maybe I can find myself a Shooting Star or a Pine Tree, and then you can finally start making some Independent Decisions - starting with, choosing which one of 'em gets to take your place!"

His fists landed uselessly on the smooth black surface of Bill's cartoonishly simple hand as Ford struggled in his grasp, screaming and shouting and shaking, barely registering the telltale movement of air across his face that meant Bill was moving elsewhere.

Then, somewhere on the fringes of his awareness, he registered the clink of metal - then, the loosening of his bonds as Bill deposited (dumped, really) him onto a hard surface.

Within seconds, Ford had flipped onto his feet. He immediately lunged at the bars that held him back, his six-fingered hands futilely clawing at the huge unblinking eye staring at him in amusement, just a few inches away from his fingertips.

"Calm down, Fordsy," Bill admonished with a sigh, voice loud over a stream of obscenities that had never before been uttered on the surface of this particular version of Earth. "That heart attack creeping on isn't supposed to happen till you're 92, remember? So why don'tcha sit back, make a new friend, and I'll bring your family right back to ya - just like you wanted!"

"If you hurt them," he said hoarsely, "if you touch a single hair on their heads - I don't care what I have to do, what I need to bargain with -"

Bill shrieked with ear-splitting laughter. "Birds and feathers, Stanford!" He exclaimed cryptically, and - unfolded, for lack of a better word, his single eye bursting into flame and a dozen legs emerging from his now pyramidal frame. By the time Ford could react, Bill had already clambered through and out of one of the larger cracks like some oversized demonic arachnid.

He stared forward for a moment, one hand still loosely holding the metal bars of the hanging cage, adrenaline draining as quickly as it had came and leaving behind aches and strains in its wake. Ford felt sick, nauseous, a burning sensation somewhere in his throat that felt nothing like 500 volts of electricity yet hurt just as much.

There was nothing he could do but wait, wait for the world to end because he would not watch those children suffer for his mistakes.

It was… quiet now, without Bill's deafening voice and his own screaming in his ears. Just him and his thoughts, the latter of which were so deafening that he would not be surprised if they had somehow crossed into physical reality.

...As well as, he realized slowly and dimly and with more than a little confusion, the sound of expert tapdancing.

The sound of expert tapdancing, coming from… approximately two feet behind him?

Ford turned around. After a brief moment of quiet confusion, he looked down.

The dancing figure - short, squat, and inexplicably clad in a sailor suit - let out a terrified squeal.

#gf #gravity falls #my fic #atns #stanford pines #bill cipher #a thousand natural shocks

60 notes · View notes

ragtimecatt · 6 years

Text

Putting Belle to Bed

Originally published in The Euphony Review, this article drew significant Facebook commentary and spurred further research efforts, which I felt should be documented here as well

For close to seventy years, now, we’ve grown accustomed to stories about Scott Joplin’s first wife, Belle, with whom he had a child who died in infancy, after which the couple separated, with Belle returning to Sedalia, where she died a short time later. According to Arthur Marshall (as told to Rudi Blesh and published in They All Played Ragtime), she was a widow, and Scott Hayden’s sister-in-law. Blesh quotes Marshall verbatim:

“Mrs. Joplin wasn’t so interested in music and her taking violin lessons from Scott was a perfect failure. Mr. Joplin was seriously humiliated. Of course, unpleasant attitudes and lack of home interests occurred between them.

They finally separated. He told me his wife had no interest in his musical career. Otherwise Mrs. Joplin was very pleasant to his friends and especially to we home boys. To other acquaintances of the family other than I and Hayden and also my brother Lee who knew the facts, Scott was towards her in their presence very pleasing.

A shield of honor toward her existed and for the child. As my brother, Lee Marshall, Hayden and I were like his brothers, Joplin often asked us to console Mrs. Joplin—perhaps she would reconsider. But she remained neutral. She was never harsh with us but we just couldn’t get her to see the point. So, a separation finally resulted.”

Blesh points out the respectful deference both Hayden and Marshall showed Mrs. Joplin, which he attributes to Marshall’s great tact. My own impression was that both Marshall and Hayden treated Mrs. Joplin as if she were someone they didn’t know well, odd for two “home boys” from Sedalia who would, presumably, have known her for many years.

Something very important that is left out of the story, either by Marshall’s omission or perhaps Blesh’s storytelling, is that, at the time the events take place, Joplin had moved in with his brother Will and his wife, Sophorinia….and that Arthur Marshall and his brother Lee, and Scott and Nora Hayden had moved in as well., presumably working to complete “A Guest of Honor”.

There WAS a Belle Hayden, and she may have been Scott Haden’s sister in law, but all of his brothers were still living at the time the stories take place, making a marriage to Scott Joplin highly unlikely. What’s more, Belle died around 1930, in Chicago, not in Sedalia in the early 1900s, as reported by Marshall. We now know that Freddie Alexander, whom Scott Joplin married in 1904 died in Sedalia the same year, but she wasn’t at the house in St Louis with Joplin, Marshall and Hayden.

Interestingly, by 1904 Will and Sophorina had split. The 1904 St Louis City Directory lists her as Will Joplin’s widow (though he turns up elsewhere later, very much alive). I can very much imagine the split was precipitated by having five new people added to the household, at least three of them working musicians.

The newly discovered marriage documents for Scott Joplin and Lottie Stokes indicate that Freddie Alexander was Joplin’s first wife, not his second, and Freddie’s marriage documents give no indication of a previous marriage.

Given the evidence at hand, I believe there was no “Belle Joplin” as such, and that Marshall’s memory, fogged by nearly fifty years of intervening events, was erroneous, merging memories of three women: Belle Hayden, Sophorinia (Mrs Will) Joplin and Freddie Alexander to form “Belle Joplin”, and that Marshall’s comments about Belle Joplin draw elements from all three.

I think the time has come, nearly seventy years after the first publication of They All Played Ragtime, to put our understanding of Belle to bed.

Email from Bryan Cather to Dr Edward A Berlin, about Joe Hayden, purportedly Belle’s deceased husband,and older brother of Scott Hayden:

I'm looking for Scott Hayden's older brother, Joe (Joseph) in census records and I'm confused as hell. I simply cannot find the guy.

Scott Hayden's parents were Marion (or Martin) and Julia Hayden.

The 1870 Census lists the family as follows, living in Sedalia

Marion, M, 33

Julia, F 23

Sarah, F 2,

Mary E, F ten months,

Littie, F age 65

(as an aside, I suspect Littie is actually Julia's mother, as Marion is listed as "Mulatto" while Julia is listed as "Black"....Littie is also listed as "Black" and as being born in Africa.. None of that bears on my question, though)

However, in the 1880 census the family is listed as follows:

Marion M 30

Julia F 29

Sarah F 13

Mary F 11

Nannie F 8

Charlie M 4

Earnast M 1

Scott Hayden was born in 1882, and another daughter, Julia was born in 1884. In the 1900 Census, Julia is listed as having given birth to seven children, four of which were still living. By my count, the seven children born of Julia Hayden as of 1900 are Sarah, Mary, Nannie, Charles, Earnast, Scott and Julia....so where does Joe fit in that count?. I thought for a moment that "Joe" might be "Charles Joseph" or "Earnast Joseph", but both Charlie and Earnest turn up in census records into the 1920s, long after Joe's presumed date of death.

Family history apparently indicates that Joe Hayden was born in 1870, but its strange that he doesn't turn up with the rest of the family in 1880, and his existence would skew the count of how many children Julia had given birth to by 1900. In fact, I couldn't find evidence of Joe in census records at all, which seems very strange, considering all the other family members turn up consistently, well into the 1920s.

To add to the confusion, if Belle Jones was Joe Hayden's widow, why was she not listed as "Belle Hayden, widow" instead of "Belle Jones", a single woman in the 1900 census?

Alonzo Hayden being the son of Joe Hayden and Belle Jones further complicates things. If Belle Jones is Alonzo Hayden's mother, it seems odd to have her living both without her son and apart from the Hayden family in 1900. Alonzo Hayden would have been five years old in 1900, but he's not listed as living with either Belle Jones or Martin and Julia Hayden in 1900....he doesn't turn up at all until the 1910 Census, when he's 15 years old, and living with his grandparents, Martin and Julia. That would mean that Alonzo's parents might have been Charlie, or even Earnest, or maybe one of the older sisters. That said, on his WWI draft record, Alonzo lists a spouse and grandparents, but no parents...shedding absolutely no more light whatsoever on who his parents were, nor on Joe Hayden.

It occurs to me that "Joe Hayden" might not be a brother, but rather some other kind of relative, a cousin perhaps...but that then places Alonzo's status in the family as Marion and Julia's grandson in question.

I'm completely bewildered by the whole thing....the records simply don't indicate the existence of a "Joe Hayden", despite the testimony of Alonzo, Arthur Marshall and, probably others....unless I'm missing something.

Comments [from a Facebook discussion in Ragtimers Club] by Edward A Berlin, in part summarizing comments made by myself, Reginald Pitts and others about the “Putting Belle to Bed” article, edited for clarity

Is the St Louis City Directory listing for Sophronia Joplin in 1904 [as widow of Will Joplin] is proof that Scott Joplin’s brother Will had died? Researcher Reginald Pitts supplies several pieces of evidence that Will had not died and had lived into the 1920s.

Reg found a William Leon Joplin, born 1880, living in Detroit. The documents that Reg offers present several problems and inconsistencies, but these are not unusual in historic documents. For example, in the 1880 census of the Joplin family, Will appears as age 4, suggesting a birth year of 1876 or ’77.This contradicts William Leon’s claim of an 1880 birth . . . but people often lie about their age, suggesting they are younger (Scott Joplin did so consistently). A 1924 marriage record lists William Leon’s parents as Charles Joplin and Florence Hicks. As Reg points out, the name “Jiles” might sound to someone as “Charles”, accounting for an erroneous entry. But I don’t see how “Givens” can sound like “Hicks”. However, overriding these doubts and convincing me that the Detroit Will Joplin was Scott Joplin’s brother is the handwritten draft registration of 1918 on which this Will wrote that his father’s name was “Jiles” and that he lived in Little Rock. It is not likely that there were two William Joplins with fathers named “Jiles”. (I had actually found this document in 2011, but it had not registered in my mind and I had forgotten about it.)

But I came across something a few days ago that awakened the issue. I had been invited to write an article on Arkansas, and in researching came across this entry in the 1906 Little Rock directory: “Joplin Florence, widow Giles (c), res. 1211 Spring”. Is this evidence that Scott Joplin’s father Giles had died by 1906 and could not be the person named in the Detroit Will’s draft registration? Or does it mean that there were two women named Florence with husband’s named Giles (or Jiles) Joplin? (The two spellings are interchanged without distinction in various historic documents.) Such a coincidence would be equivalent to two men named Will Joplin having fathers named Giles.

I find a certain satisfaction in accepting this Florence Joplin as Scott Joplin’s mother. He had announced in Dec. 1903 that he was leaving Chicago to visit relatives in Texarkana (where his brother Monroe & a few others lived) and Hot Springs. His mother being in Little Rock would provide a reason for his having visited that city, also, where he met and married (in June 1904) Freddie Alexander. It might explain, also, why Joplin and Freddie had an AME Zion minister officiate at their wedding, for Florence Joplin lived across the street from the minister’s church (1200 Spring). She also lived next door to Charles Brooks (1209 Spring), who signed the marriage license.

But while this theory provides satisfying explanations, it also has substantial problems. The 1900 census shows Florence in Texarkana, Arkansas, living with her daughters Osie and Myrtle. Why would this 65-year-old woman have left Texarkana and moved to Little Rock? Perhaps Osie or Myrtle had married and moved there with her husband, and Florence went along. Without knowing the married name of the daughter, tracing becomes difficult. But the most significant problem is that the 1906 Texarkana directory has Giles living with Monroe. He was still living in 1905 (when the directory was probably compiled) and possibly in 1906 and later. Dating becomes crucial, for Giles may have died after his name was collected for the volume, but before the Little Rock data had been completed, thereby accounting for Florence’s widow status. Directories probably reflect the resident status of their respective towns and cities in the year prior to publication. [Bryan Cather pointed out that the significant stigma associated with divorce may have been the reason that both Sophorinia Joplin and Florence Givens Joplin listed themselves as widowed, even though they were divorced (or at least separated).]

Further research makes it clear that the Florence Joplin listed in the 1906 Little Rock directory is Scott Joplin’s mother. As I had suggested previously, one of the points supporting that conclusion is that Charles Brooks, a signatory on the wedding license of Scott Joplin and Freddie Alexander, lived next door to Florence. I’ve just found additional evidence linking them: Brooks had married Myrtle Joplin (one of Florence’s daughters and Scott Joplin’s sisters) in Texarkana, Arkansas, on 25 July 1901. So Florence moved to Little Rock to be with this daughter. That Florence listed herself in the directory as “widow of Giles” while Giles was living with their son Monroe in Texarkana, probably reflects (as Bryan Cather pointed out) the stigma attached to divorce.

Does that stigma of divorce also explain Sophronia Joplin’s listing as the widow of Will at a time that Will might still have been living? As to the question of whether William Leon Joplin living in Michigan was Scott Joplin’s brother, I am still bothered by the marriage record, in which his mother is recorded as Florence Hicks, and the death record, in which she is listed as Arene Hicks. However, I’ve just noticed something that supports the proposal that Willliam Leon Joplin was Scott Joplin’s brother: the Sedalia Capital, 11 Oct 1899, has an item about Scott Joplin’s brother performing in Sedalia with the Kentucky Rosebud Quartette. Will’s name is listed as W. L. Joplin.

0 notes

daleisgreat · 6 years

Text

Lockdown 2007

Welcome to the third installment of my march through all of TNA/GFW/Impact Wrestling’s Lockdown PPVs that ran from 2005-2016. As I like to start these off, let’s see how Impact has evolved over the previous year. Going into April 2007, they now have WWE Hall of Famer and current RAW GM, Kurt Angle on its roster. Vince Russo is back on the TNA booking team for the first of many Lockdowns to come. We were in the midst of the ‘PCS’ Paparazzi Championship Series where Kevin Nash took several X-Division guys and put them through early-NXT-type challenges and made buddies with them all in the end in a fun set of sketches to look back on and see how they helped add some depth to previously vanilla X-Division stars. Some major teams have now split up with Team Canada and America’s Most Wanted no longer together. This is the final Lockdown during the ‘one-hour adrenaline rush’ era of Impact, as Spike made the show a two hour program in the proceeding fall. With that added hour they immediately debuted its ‘Knockouts’ division, and the seeds for that are seen here with more women on the roster compared to a year prior, and 2007 seeing the first women’s match in Lockdown history. This is one of the first TNA/Impact PPV’s to leave the Impact Zone in Orlando, and started a new trend for the promotion where they would try and have at least a few of their ‘marquee’ PPVs in bigger markets. This change in venue is immediately noticeable as Lockdown 2007 emanates from a much bigger venue in St. Louis, Missouri. The Impact Zone is a nice studio setting for the weekly TV show that TNA has made tremendous strides in making it look bigger than it actually is, but them bringing their PPVs to a legit arena gives them a more big time feel.

The pre-show match is included in the extras and features Vodoo Kin Mafia (AKA James Gang, AKA New Age Outlaws) taking on Christy Hemme’s mysterious team called Serontonin. I completely forgot about Serontonin until now, and looking back at them they remind me an awful lot of Sanity in NXT. Hemme’s first foray into managing did not go well as Serontonin were not long for the company, and Hemme would find a modicum of success managing the Rock ‘n Rave Infection, who I kid you not came down to the ring jamming out on Guitar Hero guitars! Voodoo Kin Mafia was Russo’s 4th-wall breaking makeover of the James Gang, whose only purpose seemed to intentionally point out the absurd booking of DX concurrently taking place in WWE. The match was a forgettable quick little bout on the preshow with Kip pinning Havik with The One and Only. Other extras on the DVD are a photo gallery that I took pics with my phone of for the blog here, thus the lack of quality (sorry….kind of) and a nice 12-minute montage of footage of TNA stars signing autographs at its Fan Fest the day before. I loved the longtime TNA PPV voiceover guy, Barry Scott! His voice brings an intangible grandeur to every event he introduces and he does it once again here promising this Lockdown will bring blood and terror! There was no blood in the 5-Man Xscape match opener for the X-Division title. Like past years, eliminations happen by pins and submissions until it is down to the last two where escape from cage determines the winner. This year’s contestants were Sonjay Dutt, Alex Shelley, Shark Boy, ‘Black Machismo’ Jay Lethal and defending champ, Chris Sabin. Kevin Nash and the PCS was responsible for Jay Lethal doing a Macho Man impression he kept up for a few years in TNA because it was damn good Macho Man impression and was responsible for the only good Ric Flair moment in his TNA run. The X-Division delivered in this match with a ton of killer spots that all connected. Shelley and Sabin teamed up for a hearty part of the match and gelled well together and I could see this match being the catalyst for them starting to team up shortly after this PPV and form the Motor City Machine Guns. Eventually it came down to Lethal and Sabin, and Sabin successfully defended the belt after Lethal got his foot stuck in the cage in a heck of an opener.

Former Team Canada members collide next when Robert Roode took on Petey Williams. This had the storyline of Williams trying to help out another former Team Canada member, Eric Young, who was tricked into signing paperwork to become Robert Roode’s property. Young tries to help Petey out, but it backfires and Roode lands the Payoff/Perfect Plex for the win. The first women’s Lockdown bout transpired next with Gail Kim taking on Jacquelyn/Miss Jackie Moore. Jackie is teaming with James Storm and both have an awesome theme that has not crossed my mind in awhile and was a hoot to relive. The two stepped up and had a killer match that started off with an outside brawl before slugging it out in the six sides of steel. Kim got the pin after a splash from the top of the cage. Good ‘ol Mr. Bob Backlund had a fun cup of coffee in TNA at this time. He would usually be seen in the background coming out of commercial behind the announcers doing the Harvard Step Test all show long for no apparent rhyme or reason. TNA! TNA! This regrettably stopped when he became involved in Senshi and Austin Starr’s feud and was the guest referee. In case you forgot, Austin Starr was TNA’s reimagining of Austin Aries as a modern day Jesse Ventura. Senshi got a sneaky roll-up win after he took advantage of Starr arguing with Backlund.

When I was eight I must have watched the Wrestlemania VII blindfold match on Colisseum Videotape between Rick Martel and Jake Roberts countless times. 8-year-old Dale absolutely ate it up! That is how you do a blindfold match! How you do not do a blindfold match is how TNA executed it here between former America’s Most Wanted teammates Chris Harris and James Storm. The ref loosely tied the masks on both men, and both masks repeatedly fell off several times throughout. ‘Someone Stop This’ was an audible chant throughout the bout. It mercifully concluded when Storm cheated and peaked from under the mask to see Harris’s position and superkicked him for the pin. I made it clear on this blog before my love for WWE’s OMG video series, and when WWE ultimately buys out TNA/Impact and gets their video library, this blindfold match is easily a top tier contender for TNA’s OMG/Worst of moments. It is worth noting Harris and Storm would rebound from this in a match of the year contender a few months later at Sacrifice 2007. The next match saw Christopher Daniels taking on Jerry Lynn. Daniels is trying some new gimmickry with his persona at this time by having spooky face paint around one of his eyes…..I do not believe this lasted long and I eagerly anticipate filling you all full of delicious, spicy, great tasting curry soon when Daniels debuts Curry Man in a year or two! The match was nothing too special, and eventually had a couple nice spots in the final moments before Daniels won with his Last Rites finisher. LAX and a wheelchaired-bounded Konnan cut a promo on Team 3D next. Konnan is essentially retired at this point as a lifetime of leg injuries caught up with him and he is now only managing LAX.

Compared to the previous two Lockdowns, it is a achievement and a half that the 2007 edition did not see bloodshed until the eight match on the card when Team 3D faced LAX in a electrified cage match. You read that right, whenever wrestlers would touch the cage, they would get shocked, complete with zany PA sound effects and flashing arena lights and gratuitous overselling from D-Von who got Border Tossed by Hernandez into the cage and bled buckets all over the mat. The crowd did not respond well to this gimmicked warfare and appropriately chanted ‘bullshit’ and ‘fire Russo’ in response. Poor Hernandez got around the electricity by climbing up the cage with special leather gloves and boots he conjured from out of nowhere, but his attempt at putting Team 3D away with a splash through a table backfired when D-Von rolled out of the way, and then Homicide stumbling into the 3D move spelled victory for Team 3D in another match worthy of making the elusive ‘Top 50 OMG TNA Moments’ list. Throughout this PPV between matches there were regular backstage updates from the members on both sides of the Lethal Lockdown main event. It was the usual bru-ha-ha of whether certain team members could be trusted. Jeff Jarrett was making his TNA return after a several month sabbatical and joined up on Kurt Angle’s side of heroes consisting of Rhino, Samoa Joe and Sting and they all were unsure of Jarrett’s loyalty. Christian Cage was on top of his game at this point in his TNA run as NWA World Champ and leader of his faction with Tomko and AJ Styles who was now rocking a full-out southern hick character. Joining them in Lethal Lockdown were Abyss, and TNA newcomer, ‘Big Poppa Pump’ Scott Steiner. If you though Steiner was unpredictable on the mic before, then checkout this montage past the 14 minute mark to see his best TNA lines where Scott truly was unfiltered.

I always liked the Lethal Lockdown matches, which had nearly the exact same rules as War Games, except the roof lowered after the 10th and final competitor entered and they left a gap at the top encouraging wrestlers to crawl on top of the roof which was filled with weapons. It kind of got congested with just one ring when more stars entered the fray, but eventually almost all made it to the outside once Rhino speared Tomko out of the cage in an impressive moment. Seeing Scotty Steiner bust out a Frankensteiner for the first time in ages also had me popping big. There was the requisite Pyramid Suplex spot towards the end of the match, and the most eye-opening spot featured Angle punching AJ off the top of the cage onto a bunch of awaiting wrestlers to catch him. Rhino is the second and surprisingly last combatant to bleed for the night, which is shockingly low compared to past years. The ending saw Jarrett truly being a good guy and helping out his team when he ka-bonged Abyss with a guitar filled with, what else, but tacks so Sting could get the pin. Minus a couple lulls in the middle where it seemed the guys were killing time waiting for the next person to come out, this was a crazy, yet fun match complete with the good kind of overbooking nonsense that I can sink my teeth into. Ambitious stunts, tack-filled weapon spots, and a good dose of creativity made this a great closer to the show. As stated in previous entries, the one hour Impact era of TNA is probably my favorite period in the promotion’s history because they managed to make use of a huge roster in an hour. Even when Vince Russo returned and started up his notorious booking decisions again, it was still a fun show to watch and TNA had to keep the show moving so no segment overstayed its welcome. There is some cringe-worthy booking from Russo in the forms of Storm/Harris and 3D/LAX matches that should be skipped over by all means. However, Lockdown 2007 still captures that great feeling of this era of TNA I dug at the time with several great feuds and matches that stepped up and delivered. Definitely go out of your way to check out the Xscape, Miss Jackie/Gail Kim and Lethal Lockdown matches that made this show. It will be interesting to see where TNA is at in 2008’s Lockdown with Russo fully invested into the booking and a Knockouts Division in place. Past Wrestling Blogs Best of WCW Clash of Champions Best of WCW Monday Nitro Volume 2 Best of WCW Monday Nitro Volume 3 Biggest Knuckleheads Bobby The Brain Heenan Daniel Bryan: Just Say Yes Yes Yes DDP: Positively Living Dusty Rhodes WWE Network Specials ECW Unreleased: Vol 1 ECW Unreleased: Vol 2 ECW Unreleased: Vol 3 For All Mankind Goldberg: The Ultimate Collection Its Good to Be the King: The Jerry Lawler Story The Kliq Rules Ladies and Gentlemen My Name is Paul Heyman Legends of Mid South Wrestling Macho Man: The Randy Savage Story Memphis Heat NXT Greatest Matches Vol 1 OMG Vol 2: Top 50 Incidents in WCW History OMG Vol 3: Top 50 Incidents in ECW History Owen: Hart of Gold RoH Supercard of Honor 2010-Present ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery Sting: Into the Light Straight to the Top: Money in the Bank Anthology Superstar Collection: Zach Ryder TNA Lockdown 2005-2016 Top 50 Superstars of All Time Tough Enough: Million Dollar Season True Giants Ultimate Fan Pack: Roman Reigns Ultimate Warrior: Always Believe War Games: WCWs Most Notorious Matches Warrior Week on WWE Network Wrestlemania 3: Championship Edition Wrestlemania 28-Present The Wrestler (2008) Wrestling Road Diaries Too Wrestling Road Diaries Three: Funny Equals Money Wrestlings Greatest Factions WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2015 WWE Network Original Specials Second Half 2015 WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2016 WWE Network Original Specials Second Half 2016 WWE Network Original Specials First Half 2017

0 notes