#(ngl you were probably expecting me to do yuuri | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vityuuwrites · 3 years

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Know we didnt talk in a while and I hope u okk now... also wondering if u wanna do a vicuuri x never let me down?

Chose a random nr from my playlist and it was kinda lucky :)

ahhh i’m good now yeah, ty for worrying!! hope you are too <333 i’m sorry this is so late ASKSKS i hope you like it!! i might or might not have written most of it during a lecture whoops,,, also ty for the request!

Victor is used to hiding everything behind a smile.

He never talks about his feelings – there's no space for them in skating. Maybe there was years ago, when he was still bright-eyed and hopeful, when love coloured his every move, his every jump and he was filled with indescribable joy after every performance. When skating was something he did because he loved it and not only because it was the only thing he was good at.

But now, Victor is Victor Nikiforov. He's Victor Nikiforov, the living legend, an untouchable god in skating no one could come close to, who was naturally good at it. Someone who never made mistakes, never faltered – he was the one person everyone wanted to catch up to, to push out of the top.

If they knew how lonely it was there, maybe they wouldn't want it because Victor is alone and he has to be alone. He has to be alone because he can't show any weakness to anyone.

Yuuri Katsuki is not like that.

It is almost like every single one of his emotions is etched onto his face, in the furrow between his eyebrows whenever he's anxious, or the shy turn of his lips whenever he's happy. His eyes sparkle when he's excited, his arms moving with the speed of his words. Victor feels warm whenever he looks at him.

He never thought that the man who swept him off his feet – quite literally – at that banquet so long ago would one day be moving in with him. He never thought that this level of happiness was possible. Not for him.

It made him want to be more open with himself. He wanted to share the parts of himself he kept hidden for so long – the lonely, broken parts of him that he never let anyone see – with the world.

Or just with Yuuri. There wasn't much difference to him, after all.

It was hard, though. His mind was, is and forever will be a dark, dark place that he sometimes sunk into. It was never as bad as Yuuri had it, he didn't think, but his thoughts were still hard to escape.

Victor Nikiforov is 28 years old. He is 28 years old which means his body is a ticking bomb just ready to go off at any seconds.

He knows he only has maybe one or two good seasons left. He can feel it in the hollow ache of his muscles all the way down to his bones, in the way his knees buckle when he lands a jump and his stamina is starting to get worse.

He only has one or two good seasons left in him and he doesn't want them to go to waste.

Maybe deciding to get back to skating was a bad idea. Maybe Victor should have let himself be blown out like a candle while he was still at his peak, suddenly and without a warning before people around him started noticing his weakness.

But he wanted to skate with Yuuri.

Him returning to the ice made Yuuri happy.

Victor lives for making Yuuri happy.

“Victor?” Yuuri says, breaking Victor out of his thoughts. Yuuri turns from the pan he is hunched over. His eyebrows crease with worry. “Are you ok?”

Victor forces a smile as he taps his fingers against the marble island stretching out over the middle of the kitchen. “Of course I am, Yuuri. Why’d you ask?”

Yuuri fully turns to him. “You’ve been awfully quiet since we’ve returned from practice.”

Victor hesitates for a second too long and he knows that Yuuri sees right through him. Still, he glances away as to not face his gaze. “I’m fine.”

Yuuri frowns but he does not pry, just turns back to the omelette he’s making.

Victor is grateful for that.

Victor is laying in the dark with the soft buzz of snowflakes hitting his window a backdrop to his thoughts. His hand is curled around Yuuri’s waist, rubbing the warm skin while Yuuri’s hair tickles at his chest and his breath strokes across his collarbones. He watches the cracks across his ceiling, like cracks under skates that split the smooth surface of the ice.

His eyes glance at his hand that spreads out across the sheet. The golden ring glints in the sliver of moonlight. His lips curl into a smile.

It is the only gold he ever won that does not feel like a shackle around his neck.

“Yuuri?” he whispers into the peaceful room. “Are you awake?”

“Mmm,” Yuuri murmurs and shifts in his hold. Bleary eyes turn to face him. Victor’s hand tightens on his waist. “I am now.”

Victor huffs out a laugh as his eyes turn back towards the ceiling. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispers. “I was just checking.”

Yuuri’s hair tickles him through his silk pajama top as he shakes his hand. “It’s ok, I don’t mind. We don’t have practice tomorrow morning, anyway.”

“True.” He keeps his gaze on the ceiling. “I’m still sorry.”

Yuuri’s hand moves from the sheet to hold Victor’s. He gives it a squeeze.

“Yuuri?” he says again after a minute of silence that presses heavy against his chest. “Can I…” He bites his bottom lip as he struggles to say something. Anything. He knows Yuuri will not judge him if he does.

The words still get stuck in the back of his throat.

Yuuri lifts his head from Victor’s chest and shifts higher to tilt his head so their gazes meet. “Victor?” he says softly.

Victor loosens a shaky breath and searches his eyes. He squeezes his hand tighter. “I’m scared,” he finally manages to choke out and sighs as tears gather at the corners of his eyes. He roughly wipes them away with the back of his hand.

Yuuri blinks. His hand grips Victor’s and gently pushes it away in favour of wiping the wetness away himself. “Of what?” he whispers, hand lingering against his cheek.

Victor nuzzles into it like a kitten and gives another shaky sigh. “I don’t know,” he says, gritting his teeth together. He looks back up towards the ceiling so he does not have to face him. “Nothing. Everything.”

“Is this why you’ve been awfully quiet today?” Yuuri asks. His voice is soft and caring and Victor wants to weep. He does not know why; it is just pressing heavily against very being.

“Maybe? I’ve just been too stuck in my mind.” He presses an arm over his eyes to hide the tear that slides down his cheek. It feels freezing cold. “I hate it. I hate it so much.”

Yuuri’s hand squeezes the hand he’s holding. “Victor…” he leans in to wrap his arms around him, pulling his head against his chest. Victor’s shoulders shake and he burrows his face into his chest as he gives a silent sob.

“Is there anything I can do?” Yuuri’s warm hand strokes circles into his scalp. Victor releases another shaky breath.

“I’m scared,” he says again, voice tight as he attempts to gather his thoughts. “I’m scared, Yuuri.”

Yuuri presses a soft kiss against the crown of his hair. “It’s ok, let it all out, it’s ok,” he whispers and Victor feels something inside of him break. His tears flow out freely, and he hiccups as he clutches at him like a lifeline.

“ It’s just,” he starts and scowls, his tears staining Yuuri’s sleeping shirt. “It’s just… I’m scared this is my last good season. I’m scared because I’m 28 and skating is the only thing I’ve done for more than 20 years. I don’t know how to do anything else, I don’t want to retire but I also know I need to because I – I can feel it. I wobble on jumps, I get tired too easily, I’m one knee injury away from retiring anyway. But I also don’t want to retire yet because – because you taught me to love skating again and I’ve just started to enjoy it again and – and ---”

Victor grits his teeth together. Yuuri just silently holds him.

“And I don’t want to let you down,” Victor adds in a near whisper as he grasps at him tighter and curls up into himself. “I know you want to skate with me and I want to skate with you and even saying that I want to skate is amazing because I was going to retire this season but I really, really want to but I’m scared that if I return I’ll just let everyone down. Everyone expects me to be so amazing all the time but I can’t be and I know I need to retire before I’m forced to by an injury.”

Victor takes a deep breath and slumps against himself. He squeezes his eyes shut.

Yuuri’s hand moves to rub his back. “How long have you been sitting on that?” he asks, voice feather-light and gentle. Victor gives a little laugh.

“A while,” he admits. “I’m… not used to talking about my feelings. I didn’t think anyone would care as long as I skated alright.”

Yuuri’s lips find the crown of his head again. “Thank you for telling me,” he says and when Victor looks up at his face, bathed in pearly moonlight, he sees he is smiling. Victor closes his eyes when Yuuri brushes his bangs out of them.

“I hope I didn’t pressure you into returning to the ice,” Yuuri continues and cups his cheek. His hand is warm against his freezing cheek. Victor sobs and nuzzles into it again, trying to control his breathing.

“You didn’t, I did it because I wanted to skate alongside you.”

“Good, because I never want to pressure you into anything.” His lips find his forehead. “You’d never let me down, Vitya. Never. You can flub as many jumps you want, you can retire, hell, you can move to Antarctica and stay there to, I don’t know, study the penguins alone, I would always be in awe of you. I would always love you.” He hesitates. “You know that, don’t you?”

Victor sobs louder and presses his hand against his mouth. “I-I’m trying,” he admits. “I’m…Not used to that.”

Love always felt conditional to him. If he skated well, the audience loved him. If he behaved (though he rarely did), Yakov loved him. If he scored well, Russia loved him.

If he stays untouchable, if he overworks himself into exhaustion, if he stays the living legend, the world loves him.

“Oh, Vitya,” Yuuri breathes and squeezes him closer. His hands fist at the back of his shirt. “You don’t have to do anything special for me to love you. I won’t love you less if you fuck up, if you’re not always the best. You can never let me down. You saw me at my worst and you never ran away. Why would I?”

“I—I don’t know,” he says, voice shaking. He bites back another sob and takes a deep breath. “It felt like you would.”

“Never.” Yuuri starts stroking his hair again, hand shaking the tiniest bit. “You’re stuck with me, Vitya. I can’t promise you that you won’t fall and injure yourself tomorrow. I can’t promise you that your body won’t catch up with you.”

Victor glances up at Yuuri’s face when Yuuri’s hand urges him to look him in the eyes. He sniffles, another tear leaking down his warm cheek.

“But what I can promise you,” Yuuri continues and gives him a watery smile as he wipes it away. “Is that if those do happen, I’ll be here. If you decide you want to retire, I’ll be here. I won’t leave you. I could never leave you. I love you too much.”

Victor throws his arms around him and sobs softly into his shoulder, shaking as Yuuri’s hand warms him down to his core when it draws nonsense shapes Victor’s too lost to recognise.

“I love you too,” he answers shakily when a few minutes pass and his breathing starts to slow, his shaking a mere tremor compared to how he began. He pulls away only slightly, so slight their chests still touch, to give Yuuri a watery smile just as the moon peeks out from behind a thick cloud and sheds a sliver of light over Yuuri’s porcelain-smooth face. “I love you so much.”

He buries his head into the crook of his neck again, pressing a soft kiss to the warm skin he finds there. “What have I ever done to deserve someone as amazing as you?” he breathes in deeply to ground himself.

“Existed,” Yuuri says and brushes his hair away from his face before their hands twine again.

Victor starts softly weeping anew.

#yuri!!! on ice #yoi #yuri on ice #victuuri #viktuuri #vikturi #victuri #victor nikiforov #yuuri katsuki #(ngl you were probably expecting me to do yuuri #but i really wanted to dive into victor's head a bit oops)#yoi fanfiction #lyre plays #fic: unconditionally #fanfiction #y!!oi

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vocaotome · 7 years

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A META ON THE CRAZINESS THAT IS KATSUKI YUURI AND HIS STUBBORN ASS SET ON RETIRING

I’ve seen a lot of people write metas on wtf actually happened during the last 2 episodes of Yuri!!! on ICE and Yuuri’s frustrating decision to retire, but so far I haven’t managed to 100% agree with any of them so I wrote my own!

In this meta I’ll try to answer the following questions (and no, “anxiety made him do it!!!” isn’t a magic answer), discussing almost everything solely from Yuuri’s POV:

-When exactly did Yuuri start seriously considering retirement? And why? Why didn’t he consider the option of working under another coach?

-Why did he decide to tell Victor only the day before the final, even though Victor deserved to know it much earlier as his coach and boyfriend?

-Why did he buy pair rings and exchange them in a location that clearly expressed his romantic intentions towards Victor when on the next day he was planning to ask Victor to go back to Russia, ending their professional relationship and severely straining the personal one?

Okay, so you guys remember the first episode?

Yuuri is NOT a quitter. Boy is actually competitive as fuck, and he actually gets annoyed when people automatically assume that he’s weak enough to freak out and retire over one failure. He isn't thinking of retirement here yet, but still he’s grieving for Vicchan and is highly upset over his performance. At this point he didn’t have any solid plans about the exact path to take., and after he fucks up and fails to qualify for worlds, he severs his bonds with Celestino but he still doesn’t completely given up.

For the next few months Yuuri is frustrated intensely by the fact that he finally got be on the same playing field as his idol and made a complete mess of that chance, and it’s not possible for him to think of stopping at such a low point. He fights his depressed feelings by skating Stammi Viccino with a thought process that was probably something like “if I can skate Victor’s routine I probably still am worth something, right?” When he skates the routine in front of Yuko he still is trying to be positive, and if left alone he probably would’ve chosen to continue skating even without any outside intervention, though it would’ve taken him some time to finish his soul-searching. We’ll never know, because soon after that Victor appears, dick out in the onsen and all, and offers to be his coach and he's like fkhdgsfkdfj!!!

Before I continue further let me classify three facets of Victor that we see in this show:

Victor the skater, Victor the coach, and Victor the person.

When Yuuri interacts with Victor in ep2 he’s mostly treating Victor as the first one, the idol he has always looked up to, and his initial reaction is glee and joy because Victor! Freaking! Nikiforov! says I inspired him! He's so close to me!!! I get to see him skate at my childhood rink!!! What a time to be alive!

But with Victor here, new problems arise. Yuuri actually has to pick concrete, timed goals now instead of just “someday”, and as one of my friends at the yoi discord server pointed out, Yuuri tends to get nervous when shit gets real, and having your lifelong idol as your coach is as real as things get. To make things worse, Victor starts to appear inconsistent in his offer to help. Mid ep2 he proposes the Onsen on Ice event that would decide which Yuri’s request he prioritizes. Considering how Yuuri treated him kinda distantly after he dropped everything to answer Yuuri's request to coach him, this might be him trying to see if Yuuri really wants him here (something like “Was he not serious when he asked me to be his coach? I’m not forcing into his life without his consent, am I?”), and/or him being salty, and/or him trying to rouse Yuuri’s competitive spirit. But let’s ignore that since Victor isn’t the focus here.

Look at Yuuri’s face when Victor says “Sure” to Yurio’s declaration about what he wants if he wins (Victor going back to Russia with him and becoming his coach). Him agreeing to return to Russia if Yurio wins really shook Yuuri up, I think. Making Yuuri compete for Victor even though Victor had declared that he's gonna be Yuuri’s coach just in the last episode made Victor appear to be an amazingly flighty guy who changes his mind very easily, from Yuuri’s perspective. (I thought the same back then, ngl. I know he had faith that Yuuri would win and the Nishigoris’ comments had also convinced him that using Yuuri’s competitiveness is a good idea, but why even put that up to chance??? Can you imagine the mess it would’ve turned into if Yurio won?)

It made him think that amazing as Victor may be, he can disappear at any point if Yuuri makes a mistake (way to convince the poor guy of your sincerity, Victor =.=), and he shouldn’t expect Victor to stay here any longer than absolutely necessary- which, he assumes, would be the Grand Prix Final.

The earliest he mentions retirement is mid ep2, then he confirms it again in ep3 at the end of Onsen on Ice (thoroughly confusing because dude you just won??? why???), and towards the end of ep4 he talks about this season being his last again. He's still bitter over Sochi, he desperately wants to properly utilize the short time Victor will be by his side to redeem himself this season since our boy is hella competitive. He refuses to go down as the skater who qualified for the final only once and retired after fucking up. He doesn’t begrudge Victor for not promising a long-term commitment because Victor’s the living legend, of course he needs to go back eventually. But while he’s here Yuuri wants to learn all he can from Victor, and express that through his own skating, so that he can both regain his own pride and prove to the world that Victor's precious time wasn’t wasted.

Now one may ask, why not continue even longer then??? He’s 23 at this point and doesn’t have any injuries holding him back, so he can still go for several years.

Because continuing means there's another chance of messing up. He might be able to do well this season, he knows that it’s very unlikely to do as bad as Sochi. But if he continues for a longer time without Victor by his side he might do worse than this season and he doesn't want that. He wants to leave on a high note. He tries to convince himself winning a gold with Victor's help is the most he can do, setting a bigger goal is like setting himself up for failure, LET'S PLAY IT SAFE.

A part of him probably must be pissed by this because Yuuri hates compromises, just look at his face in the above pic when he’s told to downgrade his free skate, no wonder he doesn’t obey Victor in the end. But his low self-esteem and anxiety manage to convince him somehow that no matter how much he hones his skills, there’s no telling when his nerves will betray him, so he shouldn’t bite off more than he can chew.

Over the course of the series his confidence grows and he begins to regain his love for skating, but it's still not enough to make him rethink his plans to retire. He now views Victor with an exasperated fondness as the latter takes baby steps towards being a good coach and they manage to be a good team, and he no longer thinks Victor is flighty enough to randomly leave (as proven in his “I know!” during the garage scene when Victor tries to convince that he wasn’t serious in his threat to resign), but they never had a proper conversation about their future plans after the GPF and he has no reason to think Victor, the living legend, will completely give up his chance to go back to skating.

(This pic is here simply because it’s too pure for this world and needs to be included in every meta post.)

Yuuri also gets to know Victor as a person during this period and after the cup of China their relationship takes a more intimate turn, but while that bolsters his confidence in some ways, it also gives him a new reason to panic. He had always been ready to let go of Victor the coach at the end of GPF, but when the Makkachin thing happens and they're forced to stay apart, he's hit full force by the extent of his yearning for Victor and and is torn by the idea of losing both Victor the coach and Victor the person in near future.

When they were reuniting in ep9, Yuuri’s request to take care of him until he retires kinda confused me tbh because Yuuri knows that Victor definitely is staying until GPF at least??? I saw the scene as him being kinda desperate and not thinking very clearly at that moment. I think he was actually planning to explain his reasoning for retirement and then ask Victor to be his coach until he retired, but he ended up doing the second part first, resulting in a case of word vomit that from Victor’s POV sounds very much like a request "please say that you want to stay forever" (and is probably the true wish in Yuuri’s heart that he will not allow himself to want). He doesn’t backtrack on his words, which probably is because he probably thinks that Victor also expects him to retire at the end of this season (after worlds), Chris did say there were rumors of Yuuri’s retirement circling around. Otherwise this seems like an overly aggressive demand like "please give up your skating career for mine", since he hasn't told Victor about how soon he plans to retire yet? I don’t think Yuuri would do that on purpose, and probably doesn’t realize how Victor took his words until the next moment.

Note that when Victor wishes that Yuuri never retires before Yuuri has a chance to bring up his plans of early retirement and makes him lose the chance to explain himself by showing giddiness at the prospect of being able to coach him indefinitely, Yuuri gets teary. This is him realizing that yes, Victor is indeed willing to give up his career for Yuuri ("killing" Victor the skater), Victor is willing to make such a sacrifice because of the personal connection they've developed. That's why he's so bold and downright cheeky in ep10, because he's convinced that Victor the person is willing to be by side for a long time.

But he also doesn't want Victor to do it like that, Victor the skater was the one who brought them together in the first place and Yuuri loves him. Yuuri is also unaware of Victor's internal troubles, lack of L&L and everything, and has no idea just how much Victor has been enjoying teaching him compared to the time he was competing. A selfish part of Yuuri simply wants to see Victor on the ice regardless of all circumstances, so I think he might have tried to convince Victor even if he did know. (I personally don’t think his decision to let Victor go is influenced by outside influences, as it’s been proven in ep6 Yuuri can be selfish in a good way and he doesn’t give a shit about unrelated people’s opinion at all. Yuuri himself wants to see Victor skate again, and he’s under the belief that Victor wants the same but is making an emotional decision to do otherwise.)

Yuuri also suffers from imposter syndrome often, and it’s possible that he is convinced that retiring for the sake of "someone like Yuuri" is a massive sacrifice Victor would regret later, and he doesn't want to fuck up their personal relationship if Victor looks back at this decision in the future and feels that Yuuri forced him to retire. So Yuuri cuts off the possibility of that happening by finalizing (almost) his decision to retire, despite how much he still wants to skate and wants to do it by Victor's side. This way even if Victor decides to retire for some reason (Yuuri probably can’t imagine any except age), at least it won’t be Yuuri’s fault.

I was confused why he went for "Victor should stop coaching me and go back to skating, I'm gonna retire" instead of "Victor should stop coaching me and go back to skating, I'm gonna continue with a different coach since I don't wanna hold you back". After some brainstorming, I think letting Victor go and continuing under another coach is a very unappealing option to him for multiple reasons: he’s simply too attached to Victor the coach, even with his flawed ways Victor was still the best thing specifically for Yuuri. Both of them have a co-dependency problem, and Yuuri is aware of his own issues though doesn’t realize how it’s equally bad for both him and Victor. Russia cup proved to him that he can still survive without Victor and isn’t helpless, but he still isn’t confident that he won’t do worse in the next season if he becomes cut off from Victor’s constant, intimate support. Competing under a different coach would definitely do that, with the only possible exception being maybe Yakov...But that’s still too much of a long shot and depends on a bunch of different things (Will Yakov accept a skater from a rival country? Will Victor be allowed to be with Yuuri to give him mental support when he has no official reason to?). If you accept my theory that he wants to go out with a bang, continuing for another season under such unsure and less ideal environment than his current one is too big of a risk for Yuuri without enough reward. EDIT: This meta offers one other plausible reason, which is the possible financial issues Yuuri would have to face if he doesn’t do well enough during his post-Victor years and ends up only damaging his image and losing sponsors. It makes sense considering Yuuri’s tendency to not realize his own potential, it’s possible that sponsors are more than ready to look past his previous season’s failure and totally want to support Japan’s Ace who represented Japan in the GPF two years in a row, but Yuuri would fail to realize that and be much more nervous about being dropped.

Let’s mess up the ep order for a bit to talk about Yuuri and his standards. These are his thoughts during his FS on ep9.

Since he doesn’t believe in himself enough to think he has that much more to offer, he just wants to reach the highest possible goal he thinks is possible for him and stop. This is kinda hilarious yet sad, because Yuuri’s true aim is actually much, much higher. Throughout the whole series it’s clear that ever since the time he used to copy routines together with Yuko, his standards for skating have all been based on Victor. Yuuri has always wanted to be on the same level as Victor, and it doesn’t even end at that.

He wanted to surpass Victor, and even last year (when Victor was still competing!) he had actually aimed for the gold even though he never declared it. But it truly is such a high goal that he can’t say that to anyone, and is mocked by Nishigori when it slips out. This probably why Yuuri admires Yurio, who is a tiny bean but has the guts to declare what Yuuri can’t bring himself to.

There’s one thing that my thoughts are still unclear about. Yuuri’s original goal wasn’t actually just the gold medal itself (the physical item and the status that comes with it), but the idea of facing Victor, his inspiration, as a true equal. When Yuuri said that he wanted to have Victor step down as a coach in ep9, I first thought that he wanted it because he wanted to go against Victor next season, and was surprised when it turned out to not be the case. This skating season will always be lowkey unsatisfying for Yuuri because Victor is not in it, despite how much he respects his other competitors. In Yuuri’s mind Victor >>>>everyone, so I would expect him to be super frustrated if he retires right before Victor returns, allowing the opportunity to face Victor again slip away. The only reason I can think is deep rooted Sochi trauma that whispers to him that he won’t ever be able to surpass Victor no matter how much struggles for it, and this season is the only time he’ll be able to get the gold. (EDIT: as mentioned above, financial uncertainty might also play a role.)

The two dominating traits that make up Yuuri are so strangely contradictory, but they work together to mess him up: his pride as a hard worker makes him aim for the very best and refuse to do anything half-assedly, and his low self-esteem punishes him if he slips even just a little bit from the extremely high standards he has set for himself. Yuuri has too many conflicting desires as well-he loves Victor the person, Victor the coach, and Victor the skater. He needs all of them but he knows he can't (he's not Victor level extra™ yet), so he chooses to let go of Victor the coach which he thinks will distress Victor the least. (ding ding! WRONG CHOICE)

Before he does this, he gets the rings which confused me at first because dude, you're planning to practically FIRE Victor tomorrow, is this the right time??? Then I realized that it's possible that the rings both serve their original purpose of being good luck charms and also a statement to Victor that although Yuuri is breaking off their professional relationship, he doesn't want to let go of Victor completely, they are connected by more than just their bond as a coach and a skater. If we look at it like that this was the perfect time to make the statement Yuuri did, nothing softens the blow of huge decision bombs more than trading wedding rings in front of a chapel with a choir singing in the background. XD Also it might not be very clear at first glance, but Yuuri is SHIT at being empathetic. He definitely doesn’t realize how distressing it would be for Victor to be suddenly told “go back to Russia and compete” and the amount of emotional pain he’d experience from being forced into a long-distance relationship without prior notice. Yuuri becomes so caught up in his head that he often fails (remember poor Minami in ep5?) to realize how his decisions can impact others. He’s just satisfied that he has made his intentions clear, and is being lowkey arrogant (even though he doesn’t mean to) that he knows what Victor wants. He probably does know that it would at least ruin the lovey-dovey atmosphere they have going at this moment, so he delays delivering the bad news as much as he can.

However, I think the revelation that he had gotten drunk and danced in the Sochi banquet might have had something to do with his performance the next day. Victor had told him to “Skate the way you like best” just earlier, but instead of doing that he ended up being so obsessed with technical points that he lost points in presentation (just a touch down in the flip won’t lower his score that much). His anxiety might have made him interpret things badly, like “omg I thought Victor came to coach me because he found me inspiring, but in truth it was something else”. Depending on whether he saw all the pics or not/whether he learned about “Be my coach, Victor~”, the “something else” he suspects can be a bunch of things, like Victor found him comical/Victor just wanted sex etc. Anyhow, it might be possible that at the start of ep11 he is afraid that Victor doesn’t think of him seriously as a skater despite Victor’s fondness for him as an individual. Being a skater is a part of Yuuri’s identity that won’t go away even if he retires, his efforts and his accomplishments are a reflection of the person he has been until this point, of his hard-working personality and his dedication. The idea of just being regarded as the funny drunk who made Victor curious would crush him. (This whole paragraph is just my speculation though, I don’t have any evidence for this part.)

I don't think his failure in his SP did much in regards to his plan to retire, the only thing it did was make him more upset than normal because he knows that this is his very last chance to redeem himself and any small mistake is unrecoverable. There’s no “next time”.

However, a bunch of other things did happen to convince him that sending Victor back to the ice was the right choice. Victor kept observing the skaters with far more interest than we’ve ever seen him do, and Yuuri interprets that as Victor longing to go back to competing himself. This is a hasty judgement on Yuuri’s part because Victor never said anything about that. Even after the anime has ended we don’t really know what he was truly thinking then. Even the story writer Kubo has mentioned that she hadn’t decided on what Victor’s thoughts really were, but from the way it was presented (look at his smile! wide, bright eyes!), personally I felt like Victor was less jealous of the other skaters and more appreciative of their unique strengths, the way a coach would be. I do think Victor is being innocently insensitive here, because he really should’ve realized that his gushing might be interpreted differently by Yuuri (even Sara, who was sitting beside them, stared at Victor at this).

I'm kinda glad JJ fucked up his SP (sorry JJ! You're still the king!) because that actually helped Yuuri regain his self-esteem a bit, he couldn't look down on himself from past year without also looking down on JJ, and Yuuri has always been kinder to others than he has been on himself.

But that still doesn't change his plans to retire, rather it makes him sort of complacent. "I've done well enough, this is as far as I can go, I'll do my best tomorrow and hopefully get the gold now that JJ is a lesser threat, so that I can redeem myself and prove to everyone that Victor didn't waste his time on me". The part of him that hates to compromise must be screaming but the stress from the competition and his anxiety is working together to push it down.

He shares his plans with Victor that night and is confused at Victor being upset enough to cry, because isn't this the best choice? Doesn’t Victor also want the same thing?? Because of his imposter syndrome issue and his blindness to his own potential he doesn't understand why Victor feels Yuuri quitting is such a shame.

Like I mentioned before, Yuuri is convinced that Victor was originally planning to stay only until the end of GPF and later changed his mind to stay longer for emotional reasons that Yuuri doesn’t support. Victor is right when he says Yuuri is selfish, he never took Victor’s perspective into account when making his decisions, his focus was on doing what he needed to do to protect his own glass heart. (I find it fascinating how Yuuri doesn't MEAN to be mean -pun, haha- but he ends up doing just that very often because he doesn't have the mental space to care about other people's feelings. Also if my hypothesis on Yuuri taking the Sochi banquet revelation as a negative thing is true, he probably feels like that Victor doesn’t really respect Yuuri’s abilities as a skater as much Yuuri would like him to despite how close they are personally, so he might be lowkey bitter.“You came to Hasetsu to date me and you still can do that, y u so mad”. Also if he knows about the ‘be my coach Victor’ thing, he probably thinks that his drunken appeal was the main reason behind Victor’s decision, not his talent like he had hoped.)

I do think Victor is also to blame for the fact that Yuuri was able to hide his intentions for this long. If Victor was planning to stay with Yuuri for a long time, he should’ve sat together with Yuuri and discussed their plans for the next season waaay before this. Too bad we don’t see the details of their argument afterwards.

Right before his FS Victor tries to be nice and supportive despite how frustrated he is (bless you Victor baby you’re so in love), and Yuuri calls him out on it. He knows Victor is not a conventional coach. He’s savage in his taunts but overly adoring in his praise, and the safe, predictable encouragement he first tried didn’t feel genuine enough to Yuuri, so he complains.

I don’t want to discuss Victor’s POV because that’s not this post’s focus, but I believe Victor was trying to play it safe until this moment because he didn’t want a repeat of China cup and freak Yuuri out. Here Victor is starting to realize that when Yuuri says he wants Victor to be himself, he wants the whole package deal- Victor the person, Victor the coach, and Victor the skater.

Remember this scene from ep10? See the similarity? Here Yuuri is being all “let me have my dorky boyfriend, you don’t need to act professional just because you’re also my coach”.

Similarly, in ep12, I think the message he’s trying to give is, “Victor the coach has crazy-ass standards because Victor the skater is OP as fuck, don’t stop being your unreasonable self just on my account, I’m not that weak”. Let’s go back to ep5 for a bit to see just how unreasonable Victor really is.

(I’ll let you know that the subs missed the word “at least”. Victor wanted Yuuri to “score in the hundreds at least”. CRAZY MAN.)

Back to ep12. Here Victor sees that Yuuri is actually ready for criticism, that he’s feeling lonely and out of his element because of Victor’s gentleness instead of seeking comfort in it. Yuuri hates being seen as weak (as evidenced in his refusal to heed Victor’s advice to downgrade his jumps in ep5), and Victor decides to take a leap of faith and give Yuuri exactly what Yuuri wanted- a friendly taunt accompanied by positive reinforcement (win and I’ll kiss your gold medal) instead of negative like his failed attempt in china (fail and I’ll resign). It was his way of showing Yuuri the believes in Yuuri even more than Yuuri believes in himself, just how Yuuri asked him to back in ep7.

He uses the word “break”, hinting to Yuuri that he might return (thus giving Yuuri a hint that regardless of how he does in the FS, he won’t need to feel responsible for Victor’s decision), and also the phrase “warm-up mode” (implying that he still believes that everything Yuuri has done so far still isn’t his best, and he can do more). His tone throughout the speech is teasing, not like “why do you suck so bad”, rather “I can’t believe someone so damn good that I, THE LIVING LEGEND, chose him hasn’t won yet, this is ridiculous, give me your 100%”. Yuuri notices that and cracks up, look at him so happy. ;;

“Oh my god my boyfriend/coach/idol is so ridiculous in his demands, I love this man”

And Yuuri goes and skates a flawless program, and gives Victor that 100% he had asked for. There are a couple things to note in his monologue during his routine, many of which are the basis for the earlier parts of this post. Although he tweaked his routine for a higher difficulty, he doesn’t obsess over the points this time, he just clears his mind and focuses on presenting his tribute to all the love in his life, Victor being featured in a considerable portion of it.

During this last chance, he finally once again chases the goal he had given up since Sochi, to be on equal standing as Victor. He also admits that he doesn’t truly want to stop, and wants to continue skating with Victor and his loving support.

But he can’t keep Victor the coach without killing Victor the skater, so he chooses to let the former go.

However, he does greatly love and appreciate Victor the coach, so he’s determined to display the results of Victor’s efforts through his skating, to all the people who have kept mocking Victor about him not being serious enough.

Once his performance is over, Yuuri is glad that he managed to give his 100% and didn’t let his nerves get the better of him, but it distraught because this is the end. (Still no explanation why he has to retire himself, though)

Or so he thinks. Yuuri is forced to rethink his life choices when he ends up breaking Victor’s world record.

Look at his expression here. Like “HOLY SHIT, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GIVE MY 100%?!” Even Yuuri, with his massive self-esteem issues, can’t help but see his own potential at this point. Undermining himself after he has broken Victor’s world record is basically undermining Victor himself, and Yuuri would rather jump off a cliff before that. The only thing that could make him happier was being able to truly be on the same playing field as Victor which becomes a possibility when Victor hints to a desire to return to skating competitively.

Victor’s body language in these frames is so important here. I think Victor has realized by this point that unless he gets the chance to face Victor as an equal, Yuuri will never get complete closure and get past his perceived failure from the previous year. Victor doesn’t just glomp Yuuri, he first shakes Yuuri's hand and then pulls him into a one-armed hug. Yuuri’s being shown that he’s being taken seriously as a fellow skater, congratulated with a formal handshake by Victor the skater, not just his coach+ boyfriend. Even when he does hug Yuuri, he’s still holding onto Yuuri’s hand. Look how ecstatic Yuuri is when Victor claims that Yuuri breaking his record was "ultimate diss as a competitor". Just look at that smile. "I MANAGED TO GET VICTOR TO CONSIDER RETURNING" is so much more important to him than "I MIGHT GET A GPF GOLD". My guess is that until now he simply didn't think he could accomplish anything special by continuing, but not only does he feel more hopeful about what he can do, but Victor appreciates him as a competitor! Hurrah! Since he’s Katsuki Yuuri the king of lowkey assholes, I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought something like “Victor is feeling frustrated because of me! I want to frustrate him more by breaking his world record again if he manages to take it back!”

Note how Yuuri doesn't worry about the score of the skaters who skated after him at all, no "oh crap if skater X gets more than this specific number of points I won't get the gold medal" which is odd since the gold medal was a real possibility at that moment, normally people would worry (like how JJ did about Otabek). It was like the gold medal itself mattered less to Yuuri than being on the same level as Victor. He managed to successfully skate a flawless program on the same difficulty level as Victor with a perfect quad flip as the cherry on top, and that was enough to calm him down for the moment.

The happenings of ep12 chip at his plan to retire bit by bit. Recognition from Victor as a worthy competitor convinces him that there might be worth in returning after all. Seeing abandoned Makkachin tissue box hits him with the reality that Victor won't be his coach anymore, it simultaneously breaks his heart and reminds him that he can make his dream to skate against again Victor a reality if he just fights against his self-deprecating notions a bit harder.

And of course Yurio's performance-during the later half of which we didn’t get Yuuri POV so I can't say exactly how, but it inspired him enough even before the results got announced. Each of the pics above have Yuuri's eyes sparkling indicating strong emotions (though you can't tell from the still screenshots).

I think the main two things Yurio manages to do are this:

1. Yuuri put his 100% into Yuri on ICE, but Yurio put his 120% in the way he added an extra quad and did many jumps with his hands raised. Remember, Yurio’s stamina is pretty meh, boy almost broke down after he was done. He shows Yuuri that his “I can’t do any better than this” thinking is BS, and Yuuri becomes curious what he himself can do if he continues and puts his 120% next time.

2. Yurio also showed to Yuuri in a shounen manga style that there are still many worthy opponents™ for him on the ice and he couldn’t afford to become complacent just because he had established a world record. Also Yurio changing up his jumps and overexerting himself to match Yuuri’s FS also shows him that he is also being regarded as a worthy opponent™ in Yurio’s eyes and gives him even more of a confidence boost. EDIT: This point is covered in more detail in this lovely meta also about Yuuri’s motivation behind not retiring!

2. Yurio gets the gold, and the loss of the gold medal by such a small margin simply lights a fire on Yuuri’s ass. XD 0.10 point is such a cursed amount, it’s so small that Yuuri can’t hate on himself for not performing well enough, but still it made him lose the gold. Though during the opening ceremony Yuuri looks more or less satisfied, the way he had been soooo close must have been vexing.

TBH Yuuri’s main problem (at least imo) still hasn’t been solved at this point. If he continues, he will have to take on the challenge of competing without Victor’s constant support. But for the first time in a long time, he’s feeling confident enough to do it, and trying to at least do his part to lessen the co-dependency thing he and Victor have going on.

I’ve seen people interpret this as Yuuri asking Victor to be his coach for one more year and I’m super confused, is it a dubbing issue? Because the sub shows it clearly that he asked Victor to continue skating, not coaching Yuuri. The Japanese sentence he says is “僕と一緒にあと一年競技生活続けてください=Please continue skating competitively (overly literal translation-‘competitive life’) together with me for one more year”.

(Look at my baby. So confident. So beautiful. T^T)

He’s literally issuing Victor a challenge here, from one skater to another. Yuuri does still plan to let go of Victor the coach, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him, and plans to use what he learned from him to beat Victor the skater! Ironic and hilarious =D Victor is like YES GOOD I’m proud of you! Then he drops the bomb:

Yuuri is shook because this is more than he ever expected. Until now he was only confident about their personal relationship which was bound to become a least a bit strained when Victor returned to Russia, but now he’s getting everything he wants. Normally people would be worried that that’s too much for a person, but I guess Yuuri has such a high opinion of Victor that he immediately accepts that Victor can pull it off. This is one case where Yuuri’s hero-worshipping and lack of ability to see things from other people’s perspective is useful, lol. One other reason he isn’t blaming himself is that this is totally coming from Victor. Unlike last time where Victor agreed to drop his career in favor of Yuuri’s thanks to Yuuri’s poorly timed request, here Victor is taking on the extra load purely out of his own will. Competing separately would’ve definitely been better than just Yuuri retiring and Victor continuing, but the amount of time they could spend together on a personal level would’ve decreased either way ( depending on what Yuuri would’ve done after retiring/how his new coach would’ve managed his time). Victor is being selfish here, refusing to give up his pupil to another coach and not willing to end up in a long distance relationship with his boyfriend.

Victor makes it even easier for him by issuing his own challenge: I’ll work hard to keep your request but get me 5 gold medals from Worlds in return! While utterly ridiculous and halfway likely to not come true (there are so many possible unknowns-injuries,illnesses,family issues), the demand shows Yuuri the level of faith Victor has in him, and he agrees.

With that, Yuuri finally is assured that he will be able to physically stay by the side of his idol/coach/boyfriend for a long, long time, which is something they BOTH want, and that’s why he’s so calm and happy when they’re being lovey-dovey on the ice later at the exhibition. “Stay close to me”, indeed!

And with that I’m officially out of juice, phew. I’ll see if I can edit this later to make it more compact and improve the flow, I think I stated many points more than once because I tried to stay mostly chronological.

ALL HAIL VICTUURI!!!

#yuri on ice #yoi #yuri!!! on ice #yoi meta #meta #Katsuki Yuuri

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lilyemrys · 7 years

Text

Rules:

1. Always post the rules. 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people.

Tagged by: @kasumi-chou, @miraculous-katsukii, @iceprinceofbelair, and @where-his-towel-is

(woah I have to do a lot but I absolutely love getting tagged in stuff omg ily guys)

——— kas’ questions

First letter of your real name F

Age/birthday 28th November! I’m turning 18 :))))

Favourite season THATS REALLY TOUGH. I’m gonna say autumn because its cold but not too cold y’know? And the fall colors are gorgeous.

Favourite fruit Oranges! and mangos! And strawberries! Uhhhhhhhhhh I have too many ooops

Do you have short, medium or long hair? I had long until a week ago, but now they’re medium

Hanahaki or soulmate? *googles hanahaki for this* I’m gonna say soulmates, because I like everyone getting at least one person they could spend their life with. (Tbh soulmates irl would be kinda problematic because what if they died? What if you fell in love with someone else? who knows!)

Angst or Fluff? Depends on the mood, but most likely angst. I love love love angst with happy endings. (But then I’ve also read several MCDs when I’m that kinda mood). But I also absolutely loVE fluff because CUTE.

Soundboard (help the writer with ideas) or beta (help the writer with wording/grammar)? Personally I think I’m much better as a beta (because grammar ayeee), but I can be a soundboard too! Idea bouncing is always fun (although tbh I don’t know how good I am at it)

Do you still have an active ff.net? If yes, link I never had one haha!

Would you trade one of Phichit’s hamsters to bring Vicchan back to life? ......how dare you ask me that. ACTUALLY WAIT. Yes, yes I would. Because you said trade, aka I could trade the hamster to a friend or something and still get to see him everyday. (#lawyered)

Should Victor and Yuuri both wear white at their wedding? Should they? Nah, man, let them wear whatever they want to. (I mean......they’re gonna be naked by the end of it anyways, so does it really matter is the real question)

————- andi’s questions

Spring or autumn? *sweats* I love them both oh gosh. I love autumn weather, but spring clothes and spring also means summer break is coming soon. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Classical music or EDM? *googles EDM to answer this* I like them both! Although tbh I don’t listen to either as much

Morning person or night owl? NIGHT OWL FTW. My average bedtime is 3am

Pastel or punk? I’m a pastel princess

Painting or singing? *sweats some more* HOW ABOUT BOTH. I love singing while painting, how about that.

Piano or violin? Piano! Although I really love love love the sound of a violin. But like, nothing can beat a piano for me.

Jeans or skirts? I want to say skirts because I always feel so flowery and pretty in them (but low-key I always get hella annoyed with them)

Extrovert or introvert? I thought I was an extrovert for a second. And then I laughed at myself for thinking of such a weird thing. I’m like an Introvert™

Fantasy book or non-fictional book? fantasy yes please. need me some action. some DRAMA (also dragons)

Discovery channel or disney channel? *uses fairy wand to draw disney logo*

Hair up or hair down person? hair down ftw. My hair looks extremely poofy and frizzy when its down and I just get really annoyed with it.

————- adrian aka light of my life’s questions

What’s your favourite planet? Oh man I have so many good answers to this. okay a) Uranus, because I’m a teenager and cannot help it b) Pluto, because VIVA LA PLUTO its such a smol planet that just wants some love (also side note: I was tying smol and my laptop corrected it to smoldering and I can’t stop laughing) c) Neptune, because I love Percy Jackson’s dad Poseidon and d) Earth, because it has all of you lovely folks

Do you speak any other languages? I do! I speak English and Hindi fluently. I can understand and can speak sometimes Punjabi, and I can speak/understand Spanish to a limit.

What’s your dream job? oh mAN. *side eyes all the future career quizzes I’ve taken* Honestly, at this point I have no clue. Something with design preferably. Or a film director! That’d be fun. Yeah idk, just something I would have fun doing :)

If you were choosing a new name for yourself, what would it be? .....that is a good question. I’m gonna say Lily because thats my internet nickname and its really cute

Do you like flowers? I love flowers. Give me all the flowers

Is there a nickname you’d like people to call you but have never asked? Not particularly. I just like when people give me nicknames in general because its like a special thing y’know

What colour would you dye your hair? I just dyed my hair yesterday actually! It’s a really pretty reddish brown. I think in a couple years I might go for some non-natural hair colors like blue or something. (I also love how pretty silver/grey hair looks but alas, I could never pull it off)

What’s the best birthday you ever had? I was going to be cliché and say my sweet 16, but I’m gonna go with my 10th birthday. I had absolutely no idea we were doing anything until I came out of my room and my best friend at the time just pounced on my back. Soon a couple others came and we had a blast. (This was the night before my birthday) And then the next day my mom took us all to go watch a movie. The best part though was when used the wrapping paper from the gifts to hide away umm some provocative movie posters.

Do you play any instruments? I play the piano! But I haven’t practiced in such a long time oops

Can you swim? I used to be convinced I was a mermaid when I was a little kid. I LOVE swimming.

What are you afraid of? Our inevitable doom and destruction and the realization that one day, none of what we do will ever matter because we will be dust. No, I’m kidding. I’m gonna have to say just being completely alone and nobody liking me. Also, lizards.

————- ellen’s questions

Where is wally/waldo if you’re one of those weirdos from Across The Pond *sweats*

favourite tv show theme tune? DOO WEEE DOOOOOOOOOO. Actually I’m pretty sure that isn’t my favorite, but its fun to say.

If you could live in an AU what AU would you write for yourself? One where I am successful and happy and someone loves me as much as Victor and Yuuri love each other. (probably not the answer you were expecting oops)

Which powerpuff girl are you? Blossom!

Which ship in YOI do you think needs some more lovin by the fandom? Sara/Mila haha. (ngl I don’t really have that many ships in YOI other than Victuuri)

How long would you last in a horror movie? .0000002 seconds. Self preservation? What self preservation. I would totally just trip into the murderer’s knife or whatever

leopard print or tiger stripes? and which half of victuuri would you put in which clothes? Hmmm I’m gonna say tiger stripes. I feel like they could both rock either, but in the end it wouldn’t even matter because somehow those clothes would end up in Yurio’s closet.

how much would you pay kubo-sensei for the down low on the YOI movie? one corn chip (sorry oops I was just thinking about memes) Probably nothing because I don’t like spoilers. (but then again, I do like knowing more than other people so who knows)

favourite type of sky? (e.g. sunset, cloudy sky, overcast etc) A clear night sky when you can see all of the constellations glittering down on you

why did the chicken cross the road? It wanted to get hit by a car after those ap exams. (actually did you know “To get to the other side” was supposed to be a joke about after life because I never got that until recently)

if you could send a message to all creators with your newly acquired psychic powers, what would that message be? “GIVE ME STUFF. ALSO YOU ARE AWESOME AND MAKE GR8 STUFF (but you need to totally give me all the stuff)” because I’m a selfish butt

OKAY, now for my questions. Let’s see.

What is your favorite part of the day? (This can be a time, like the morning, or an action, like seeing your pet)

What is something you’ve always wanted someone to do for you, but never told them?

If you could do something for the rest of your life without fear of going broke/getting hurt, what would it be?

Can you describe the color blue without using the word? (I’m so ready to hear these responses aye)

Best compliment you ever received?

What is your favorite au trope?

What is your favorite memory?

What is something you’ve always secretly wanted people to compliment you on?

Hogwarts house?

What is your favorite song at the moment? (Or your #1 played song on your phone if you don’t have one)

Do you cry during movies/tv shows/while reading books/fanfics?

FFFFFF I don’t even know if I know 11 people and most of them either a) already tagged me, or b) have already done this. But anyways

Tag: @sea-goddess-amphitrite, @cary-onmywaywardson, @islandsofjohnmontagu, @iceprinceofbelair, @kasumi-chou, @nikifirov, @where-his-towel-is, @rayrayswimusic, @miraculous-katsukii, @flowercrownyuri, @accioharo, and @overcome-chihoko (I’m tagging 12 people because fight me)

(I’M SORRY FOR TAGGING YOU BACK IF I DID and I hope its okay that I tagged all of you guys. I just really want to know what you guys would say :) also if you don’t want to answer these its totally fine. <3 you)

#lily speaks

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