“Hey, what’s up?” Ashe picked up his phone immediately when Roman’s name had flashed across the screen. He glanced around the room. Roman hadn’t been gone that long. But he didn’t see anything of Roman’s lying around that he’d forgotten. 

Instead, when he finished greeting Roman, he got a string of almost incoherent and panicked cursing.

“Woah, slow down Ro….” Ashe tried, “Okay, okay… Hey, where are you?” 

It would be easier to just meet the other man, than try to translate through whatever Roman was freaking out about. After repeating the question, Roman managed to tell him he was on his own front porch because he needed fresh air. It didn’t seem to have worked, though Ashe supposed it was possible that he could have been worse before calling.  

“Okay. Come over here? okay? I’ll meet you outside.”  

He hung up, searching quickly for his keys, before he slipped on his boots.

ASKS 04

wow I let this build up didn’t I.... updates on the ViVi inspired hair, Sim download info, some sweet people, some K-Pop, and other stuff below

@agentwashsims​ said: I️ knew you wouldn’t disappoint on the curly hairs!

Thank youu! lmao it is a pretty basic edit but I’m glad you like it ;-;

Anonymous said: Could you convert the solid colored EA Cruella DeVille style for girls or tots?

Actually it has already been converted HERE (warning: she uses an ad thing :( )

@pierce-the-rachel​ said: Okay hello I just love your cc so much!!! Like you're amazing I what you do. Much love<3   

Thank you so much omgg I am not nearly close to being amazing but I appreciate it <3

Anonymous said: Hi! Is there any chance your sim that modeled the Braxton hair will be up for download? Along with his cc?

Yes! In the next week he 100% will be. Taylor will be posted tomorrow :)

Anonymous said: What skin do you use on your male models? It looks the same as the female one but I can’t find it in CAS.

Check my resource page for my default. I don’t have the overlay labeled on there but in the next few days when I have my male model for download it will be listed there.

Anonymous said: I love your whistle skinny jeans alot, I was wondering if you were ever thinking about making one without the jacket around the waist? Sorry for wasting your time :P

That is sadly out of my ability :( but I am glad u like my whistle skinny jeans!! Not a waste of time to give someone a compliment

Anonymous said: Not exactly an ask but. I love your cc, you create beautiful content, and no matter what others say someone is gonna like it :)

Thank you soooo much omfg I really fucking appreciate stuff like this.

Anonymous said: Your creations are so awesome! I always love coming to your page and seeing all of your amazing creations!!

Thank you!!!!!! omg I feel bad that I never respond to these until I do these things, you guys that send these prob think I ignore them ;-; but for the people who read these and who send them: I really appreciate it like so much ;-; it has been a meh couple of weeks which is why CC has been slow but I love you all so much <3

@raivynmoon​ said: Omg why do you always get so much hate from anons? I’ll tell you why, because you’re doing things right and toxic people get jealous. Don’t mind the haters, you’re amazing! Happy new year ❤️ 

I actually don’t get that much hate! I never really pay them any mind bc I know as long as it is something I like that I will release it. People do def prob get jealous they can’t mesh stuff that well, not saying I am the god at it, but I do have some talent in that area from doing it for a while. Happy new year to you too!!! and thank you for the ask <3

Anonymous said: hey i just want to say that all of your cc is amazing, you put so much time and effort into it. of course everyone can give you feedback and opinions about what you make, but you are the creator so you can do whatever you want with it. that anon below was just rude, inconsiderate, and isn’t really helping anyone. that person obviously doesn’t make cc hair, because im sure then they would understand and not be a total jerk about it. maybe they should just stick to makeup, instead of hating.

<-- what she said (thank youuu)

Anonymous said: well I think that all of the hair you make is really great, even if not everyone likes it. You spend so much time making these amazing hairs and shout-out to the person below: why would you waste your time hating on somebody else’s hard work when you could be creating makeup cc? You don’t put your effort and time into creating this kind of stuff, of course I know you were also giving feedback.

Thank you <3

Anonymous said: THE HAIR IS CUTE AF

Anonymous said: Wcif the hair in your "In The Time Spent With You" post? Thank you!♡

Deleted :( I never got it to look how I wanted so I never finished it

Anonymous said: I'd just like to say that the hair looks pretty, honestly your hairs are always high quality and never fail to dissapoint, I'd just say that it could be a little puffier on the sides, and over all ignore the haters, they probably couldn't make anything close to what you're making! Luvs. 

Thank you!! I tried puffing the sides up some, here is a comparison pic:

(brown is now) (blonde is before)

@twirlyb​ said: I love the idea of the hair and I think it looks good so far but so you think that there's anyway to add for volume? I love the hair that it's based on and I really want to have it in game. I Completely understand if it's not an option but I though I would ask anyway. Btw I think your hairs are amazing. I went mostly cc free for a while (not anymore could handle not having cc but) and the only things I kept were my defaults and some of your hairs that I absolutely can not live without.

Refer above lmao

@cutesimmer23​ said: Hi , anonimus , I have a message for you. If you think Austin's cc is trashy , it's just your opinion. His ccs are one of my top favourites , and I support him in all that he does , even if that's not too good. He tries to do something and , even it's not perfect at the first time , he tries to perfect it. I really love his cc . And I have something more to say. If you are that good at cc give Austin a message (not anonimously) and then we will see who's the best. We love you, Austin!

Thank you <3 You're lovely for sending me this

Anonymous said: heyy love your blog and all of your creations. wcif ALL of your sims? do you ever upload them to the gallery?

Macie is already posted, link on my resource page. Taylor will be posted tomorrow, and my male model will be posted next week. The rest idk

Anonymous said: um can that damn anon piss off. your content is absolutely amazing and some things aren't for everyone but someone out there will love and appreciate it. also the hair in your profile picture looks gorgeous. is it released yet? and the wip you posted is cute af. ignore those haters <3

Thank you <3 Hair in my profile pic is my HyunA hair :)

Anonymous said: Hi, so sorry if anyone has already asked this, but I was wondering hat your origin ID was, since your sims are super cute!? Ps. I'm totally in love with your blog!!!

My origin is Spotharris but it does not have much on it right now, Ps. thank you

Anonymous said: Do you have any K-Pop albums? Which ones?

Oh my! I have a few! I have Red Velvet’s Perfect Velvet, and 6 LOONA albums (Kim Lip, Jinsoul, Choerry, Yves, Mix & Match, and Max & Match)

 Anonymous said: I miss you having Macie as your icon :(     

Me too jush she needs to make a comeback     

Anonymous said: Hey I was wondering if you could do a tutorial on how to make a middle parted hair side parted ?? please

I might do a livestream sometime in the future that is me remaking a hair like Joy or something where I did that. I am really bad at video stuff though so like... someone help?

Anonymous said: Can I just say how much I absolutely love all of your hairs? Like your so talented in making cc. Please keep up the great work!

Thank you!

Anonymous said: Can you convert the cupid eyes you posted for dogs/cats? It's fine if you can't, jw!

rip I can but I really don’t want to ;-;

Anonymous said: I just want to say I love you so much! All your creations are so beautiful and I use them ALL the time. Happy Holidays! ~ V

Happy late holidays!

Anonymous said: Do you have all of your own CC in your game?

Nooooo lmao

Anonymous said: does ur hyuna hair work with the ombres?

She does not :(

Anonymous said: make more diverse sims

gotcha

Anonymous said: yo i remember when you first started out and you were just starting.  now you've improved a HELL of a lot. like WOAH (i love your cc)

we don’t speak of those times in my life ok

Anonymous said: I don't know if you are open to cc requests, so if you are, would you ever consider separating them utility jacket from cats and dogs? I've seen so many people recolor it but I can't find it as an accessory, and I've looked everywhere.

A friend of mine tried it but it was really glitchy :( Maybe in the future I could give it a go?

Anonymous said: LIPS, HIPS LIPS, HIPS (ahh, ahh) L-LIPS, HIPS (ahh, ahh) Hi-hi-hi-hi-hip (POP!)

yes i agree with everything

Anonymous said: I have the same b-day as you

only legends were born on that day. and December 2nd.

Anonymous said: Your birthday is the day before mine and the day after my sister's            

So close to being legends.... sad

Anonymous said: I thought, you're female😅😅🔫

rip ur mind after i blew it up by being a male

Anonymous said: damn didnt know u were homophobic lol

oh

Anonymous said: fmk: danny devito, shrek, and jim carrey's the grinch

fuck danny bc idk who it is and i know a hot danny. marry the grinch bc he i like mayor of whoville after the movie. kill shrek and take the donkey.

Anonymous said: ahHHHhhHh idk why but i love you so much(not in a weird way u pervery xddd)

thanks babessss

Anonymous said: You should start a gameplay

I dont have the computer or the time for that I am sorry to say

i’m a little late, but i just watched the pll series finale and i’m a little mad and SO UPSET

don’t proceed if you don’t wanna get SPOILERS (although i believe everyone’s already watched it)

i thought it was shit that AD was twincer (alex drake) - mainly because most of spoby scenes in this season, apparently, it wasn’t spencer, so I’M VERY UPSET, which kinda makes me question WHAT SPOBY SCENES IN THE SERIES WERE REALLY SPOBY, so

btw, someone from the cast or the crew (maybe even marlene, idk) - i don’t really follow their tweets/interviews bc i’m always busy af so - said AD was there since the pilot?????? does that mean maybe alex was pretending to be spencer in a scene or more? THEY KEEP MAKING THIS TWISTED GAMES WITH OUR MINDS WHEN IS IT EVER GONNA STOP

and when hanna was hold captive and spencer appeared in some kind of illusion to her, i thought the twincer theory was a good one, but they kinda managed to make it a bad thing for me as i had imagined it would go totally different at that time (if it were real) - the theory started in early s7, so we couldn’t have known it was a real deal back then but i already pictured some things happening later in the series if it were true - btw, it was a good theory back then to me also because then spaleb could be fake BUT NOOOOOOOOO NOW WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT WAS REAL AND WHAT WAS NOT WHAT WAS SPENCER WHAT WAS ALEX I SRSLY AM SO MINDFUCKED RIGHT NOW

besides, alex doesn’t really have a motive to torture the girls????? it’s not their fault, not even spencer’s, that she got a terrible life. it’s not the girls’ fault that charlotte died. it’s not their fault that it took so long to find out who killed charlotte. it’s not like they were better, smarter, idk, than the police to figure it out???? WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS? you could say it’s because she’s insane and just evil but still wtf (and she certainly wasn’t before she met wren and knew about charlotte etc so????)

(ok i don’t remember how jenna got blind after her surgery, but it doesn’t matter, i guess) (this does tho: i don’t remember many things about the series bc a lot happened so i might be wrong about this one, but still) SERIOUSLY, JENNA KEPT BEING BLIND? she was one of the most motivated people to hate the girls, to want to screw them over, etc BUT SHE STILL NEVER ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING AGAINST THEM WITH THE INTENTION OF DESTROYING THEM. she only got in the AD team because she needed money for her surgery, NOT TO RUIN THE LIARS’ LIVES. she even WARNED them (through toby, but still) that spencer wasn’t truly spencer, but a twin sister she didn’t know about until now. ps: ‘i may not be able to see, but i can smell a bitch a mile away‘ will be forever in my heart JENNA IS A FUCKING QUEEN AND SHE DESERVED BETTER

btw, what happened to sydney? they just simply forgot about her lol

i wanted SO BADLY, right from the start, for lucas to be in the A(D) team. we were so close to that, and i was so happy, only to be even more frustrated later in the finale. we didn’t even get to know more of his story with charles, which could be something to make him be a part of the AD team. UGH SO MUCH POTENTIAL WASTED, I’M SO MAD

and let me just add here: that idk where from accent was SO BAD. not because troian isn’t natural from somewhere with that accent or because we’re used to her american one, but it didn’t really add much to the character? it just kept distracting me from the story alex was trying to tell and every word she spoke just made me make an ‘ew’ face.

btw was i the only one who saw RIGHT AT THE MOMENT it wasn’t a mirror AND THAT IT WAS ANOTHER PERSON (obviously, the twincer) when spencer was touching her hair and alex did the same so she would think it was a mirror and bla bla bla? i guess some people might have jumped off when she said ‘boo’ haha but anyways that reveal was epic, i must admit it. not the mirror illusion thingy, i thought it was kinda cliché tbqh, i always expected that if the twincer theory was real, but the ‘boo’ was nice lol

moving on tho, i thought the liars didn’t get a certain end. spoby was just mentioned, we never saw them getting together again. we deserved at least a hug or a kiss scene (after alex was arrested, to be obvious it was spoby). toby was doing that helper thingy and stuff, but he needs to make some money to live????? spencer just got into law school, i mean???? does that mean she’s still living with her parents? ezria had the wedding, but are they gonna get money only from the movie of their book? they should have gotten a definitive job idk. and ok they’re gonna adopt a child, but i wanted to see more of that. haleb got that boring elope AND I WANTED A WEDDING, HANNA IN A BEAUTIFUL DRESS, CALEB IN A TUXEDO, EXCUSE ME, I DEMAND THIS SCENE TO BE SHOT!!!!!!!! emison never found out their babies’ father was wren????? and are they still teaching at the school?

it also doesn’t make sense that alex accepted mona in the AD team after knowing she was the one who killed charlotte, so?????

and IS MONA REALLY NOT IN A SANATORY AFTER GETTING IN THESE MANIPULATIVE GAMES SO MANY TIMES, HOW COME SHE GOT TO LIVE OUT OF A MENTAL HOSPITAL??????? or if that little world of her is actually a sanatory, HOW would they allow her to play with mary and alex? and how would she get a boyfriend? THAT WOULD BE LIKE THE GUY’S ABUSING HER wtf it might be a sanatory, but i think it isn’t, so... and how did she get mary and alex out of prison and locked them in her own ‘dungeon’???????

i srsly think alex and mona should have died, especially alex, but whatever

also WON’T HALEB EVER GET THEIR HONEYMOON???????????

I WANNA SEE EZRIA’S HONEYMOON TOO

fuck, so many cool things from their lives were left out i’m so sad ): i wanted to see emison’s labor, emily holding alison’s hand, the babies’ names (maybe if it were two boys one would be named after emily’s dad, or if it were girls they could name them after other beloved people - idek if the babies are boys or girls smh) the liars waiting outside; i wanted to see the girls making a career, getting their lives together, A PROPER HALEB WEDDING, A PROPER SPOBY ENDGAME SCENE, ezria and haleb’s honeymoons, ugh

EMISON WEDDING REPRESENTING LGBT+ COMMUNITY <3

perhaps ezria deciding to get pregnant through emily’s belly (since she didn’t carry her own children, it would be sweet, you know) or even alison’s

maybe aria’s, hanna’s and emison’s kids playing with each other :3

the only ship that got a full ‘circle’/closure, with a wedding, a honeymoon (even if it wasn’t shown), a future planned and kind of concrete was ezria. haleb got a crappy ‘wedding’ and a (2-second-announcement - if it was even that long - of) pregnancy (i’d like to see caleb kissing her belly, they finding out the baby’s sex, picking a name...), emison got a shitty proposal (although they had some cute scenes, like the picnic one), spoby didn’t even get a kiss, not even a hug, fml, i’m so angry.

can i just say “i'll think of all that might have been” (quoting evermore from batb bc it just fits right in lol - i’m actually crying as i type ‘lol’ tho)

it left us with unsolved things that probably will never be explained (perhaps there’s not even any explanation, since it wasn’t planned from the start and it turned into this gigantic mess with no links at all and no way to be fixed)

the show was supposed to end with answers but all it gave us was more questions

i’m upset :/

This bouta be one long ass typo filled vent.

First and and foremost I just added HELLA people specifically People from my African diaspora on this. I’ve had it since high school so 2010 I’m in University now . nice to meet you all 🤷🏿‍♀️✊🏿😝 my name is Ro . I’m super open to conversation questions whatever.

I added mad people because I organize ,politically im no pro or anything,I don’t even know what I’m doing 1/2 the time I just do what’s in my heart and he’ll I guess every small step I make makes a difference.

I’m currently in the process of getting a sexual assault resource center built in Isla Vista California which is an unincorporated area behind the University of California Santa Barbara ...I want all contractors to be from marganilized backgrounds and ultimately I’m gonna have this project be a community collective.itll be a long term project and it’s currently in the beginning stages and the meetings are going well but given I attend a PWI I’d like outside support and more energy from my people to continuously push for this to be created . Scrolling my page you’ll kinda see the shit I’ve been dealing with and where this comes from. However I’m currently slowing down THIS video BELOW ...making it onger and more detailed

https://youtu.be/c-yKepzDwzY

But editing is depressing triggering and frustrating and I’m on some Kevin gates Aint shit gone make me sad today type stuff so it’s not going well. I currently just need to add audio to the lengthened version and I’ll be fine to share it.. But audio means watching it and choosing a song and perfect timing so yeah...I hate reliving the stuff .but eh I hope you like the video I’ll post the update ASAP . I actually move out of CA soon APRIL so it’ll be before I leave to embark on this random traveling experience I have planned 👌🏿🙆🏿‍♀️

My main goal socially is to be as real and open as possible up until around May 2017 I was mad timid to speak up but once the shit happened it just did .

(I was drugged and raped by someone who knew me and was invited over and nah he wasn’t white he was in our diaspora. Despite being on video drugging me ,admitting I wasn’t conscious during his acts and all this other sick shit that is in the video posted as well as the slowed down version...Santa Barbara did not TOUCH THIS SICK FUCK . Specifically he lived on the same street as the foot patrol and they never even went to question him . Never went over evidence so never caught the drugging I had to analyze my own evidence see my drugging send it in turn in all physical evidence myself because she never went to the crime scene and some more dumb shot . He’s on surveillance pushing me into my house because I can’t move and he’s also on surveillance attempting to touch me and I fight back . He admits I bit him in resistance and bleh I’m getting trigger ...well look they had all of this PLUS WAY MORE evidence and nothing 🤷🏿‍♀️ .. the gag is until I had a sit in months after my rape we FINALLY got a sexual assault detective on Isla Vista ..THIS MEANS WE NEVER HAD ONE THEREFORE THE PERSON WHO WAS ON MY CASE WAS NOT A DETECTIVE TRAINED IN SEXUAL ASSAULTS. That’s why he did shit ass backwards and didn’t get evidence or blah blah . He did a pretext for a confession and still didn’t make an arrest or attempt to question this rapist . So I had to go public . 😒

The system did me even grimier and in addition so did the African men I spent a lot of my time around before this incident who just happened to be the idiot rapists housemates . The story is actually pretty sick.

Like niggas was like” we weren’t really friends like that “ “you just met is” and some more shit ,but drove or rode in my car got they hair done by me niggas cooked together went wherever niggas dead ass all ran together the only difference was I’m a female and I was the one who was drugged and raped . Lol I knew that house a good 5 months . And when you serving 4 years in college that’s a long time especially when y’all all seeing one another tops 5 days a week . But it’s cool lol I swear that shit happened and fucked my mind up for a while . Until I got over the fact that Im a protector , I’m used to protecting people . Even after being raped I tried to protect this individual from the system but seeing myself be drugged in my house as someone sickly plots and has all the sickest reasons as to why ..

I had Inglewood out there and we ain’t lay a finger on ANYONE and EVERYONE WAS HOME and available but I wasn’t trying to see anything happen .protector ...some call it dumb ... but honestly any reaction that would’ve deviated from what I did up to now would chance my current circumstance ...and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fine RN. 🤷🏿‍♀️ ptsd depression here and there but honestly IVE BEEN KICKINGASS , saving and changing lives as well as I don’t have any fuck people around me . It’s so easy for me to cut people off now and keep people I feel ANY KINDOF way about away from me ...and I’m more open basically I PROTECT ME MORE AND ...that’s what’s great for me ...so I needed it all to get where I am so eh.

A: I don’t forgive or have any care for the person who drugged and raped me . That’s the only place I didn’t grow . People say I should work on that ...I literally have dreams of killing him though so eh🤷🏿‍♀️ it’s the whole premeditated buying a drug putting it in a drink and handing it to me at the specific time I was distracted and the entire plot really . Walking me in public drugged to make you seem like a saviors and saying you noticed it hit 😒 staying after raping me , like moving my body from a living room to my room like dragging me or whatever the fuck you dieting afterward and only moving after I post the video publicly like you really wanted to live your life regular as a rapist after attempting to ruin mine . In all honesty as you said your first thought was you thought the drug was going to alter my feeling for you and make me like you ..it only knocked me unconscious and inhabited my brain from having any memory and you stilllllll decided to be sick . .

-the best thing for me is I have no memory of being raped , I don’t even have a memory of me leaving the house only waking up and asking all the questions I had getting the answers I needed and reporting so that’s why I’m so open about it ....it hits a sensitive spot as far as anger and disgust but I would literally be dead if I was conscious or aware of the encounter .

Alll of that I added in the end it was the vent I guess .)

and yeah . Whatever so socially I’m tryna educate Africans not to feel obligated to be a savior but to look out when shit like this happens. Because not reacting not doing anything and really any thing else

I never asked anyone to pick sides , never asked anyone for help. But acting like you ain’t know someone you seen on a daily and being fearful or whatever it’s not and never was that deep. I don’t see how anyone has a mother and can let or be aiight with shit like this happeneing and not be proactive .

But I’m alive you’ll see from my blog that worse shit has happened since then and even before . so I focus my pain elsewhere and my energy into activism and advocacy. Shit no one handed to me when I needed t most ✊🏿☝🏿

http://endrapeoncampus.org/centering-the-margins

Here’s my story

http://www.theburningspear.com/2017/12/RoShawndra-VS-the-University-of-California-Santa-Barbara

It’s also more stories about whatever white people wanna say about me in Santa Barbara newspapers and my case and what I’m doing , but this is the one I approve of because it was written in the Burning spear and this is such a monumental and important news paper in our community so yeah.✊🏿❤️ I really love US.

Periodically I post videos call campaigns calls to join political organizations (that are grassroot orgs and funded by our people) and yeah that’s basically my public professional appeal. I use a lot of profanity idk why but yeah I curse like a sailor I was introduced to grown folk conversations at a young age cursing was apart of my male dominated upbringing so 🤷🏿‍♀️ shiiiit I just curse a lot from time to time .

I’m a member of the African National Women’s org. Or ANWO and we’re an organization that was created by request less than half a decade ago to bring African women into the political atmosphere. Our one goal is FREEDOM . UHURU to any comrades or future comrades reading this , I hope in your daily struggles you see the symptoms of colonialism and mobilize to dismantle this colonial system .

I have NOT AND DONT PLAN on watching black panther . It’s not apart of my agenda rn but If my job requires me to take my residents to the movies it’ll probably happen ...I’ll get to the job stuff later. . Basically from my current understanding the villain in the film had “political views” similar to Malcolm or Huey or Marcus Garvey and it should be known by us ALL THAT THESE MEN WERE ONLY AEEN AS VILLIANS HISTORICALLY BY WHITE SUPREMACIST AND COLONIZERS AS WELL AS THOSE COLONIZED PEOPLE WHO REFUSED TO RESIST ...so I’m not spending a dry penny or sitting in a theatre to watch some bull shit . Wakanda must fall dear . THERE is no freedom in a colonial system and we can’t move with our colonizers PERIOD. We have been tricked throughout history into being complacent and waiting on an European created GOD to come save us and give us our Paradise in death. Therefore we accept what we shouldn’t and given I’m not about to be apart of that complacent movement ...(ps I’m a religious studies major) I decide I’m going to struggle and win. Period ✊🏿

https://youtu.be/LIQioGRD1Sw

White folks need to pay reparations so yeah share this link also if you don’t mind

https://www.uhurusolidarity.org/

White solidarity with black power 💕

Some talks/events I’ve participated in or held

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPFDFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MWRqeFhkZ2RiUEx4WpjQiVNCw8SGGbKJP7IkRiwM1SuoQnT-Oar94sFnraqo

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPjzFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MVJER2xuVkVhbWd4TBAgTafg3086N-ST4efXtgBbzFU6VOSI9yuHJ4V1dmE8

https://www.pscp.tv/w/bVfPzTFQWEVkbWVCWU9iUWV8MW5BS0VXblZNUmxKTClihPl8eVewKBG7TwSC2FcIZkc0BiJcYgkAkLrQX_7Z

Part 2 of why I said I don’t see a future with you..

January 25th 2018

The last post, it seemed more on a loving note. But there is a negative side, to why I said I don’t see a future.

The first reason is simply. We’re different. We want different things.

To you, it’s normal and completely fine to go three days without texting a girlfriend type person.

I used to be afraid, of my flaws and admiring them. But now, I’m like, “yeah I’m a judgmental bitch”. And I don’t care. I’m a judgmental bitch, and you’ll fully agree with me on that later on in this post.

Everybody wants different things in a relationship. I’ve been in enough to know what I do and don’t want.

And after being in so many effed up relationships..I •need• consistency.

I’m an understanding person. I can understand someone who has a busy schedule. But in a relationship, I need someone who can spend time with me. It really bothers me that we’re almost at the 2 year mark, but haven’t watched a single movie, tv show, anything together. We haven’t done so many relationshipy type stuff. It bothers me.

(we've still never watched a full movie. We've only watched like 20 minutes of the kissing booth together in Sept 2018 -this commented added -feb 2021)

In my fantasy’s, you hold me, you want to. You don’t yell at me. You look at me like I’m the person you love. You think I’m amazing. You can’t image being with anyone else. You feel so deeply about me. You match my own feelings for you. You hold me so tightly that the broken pieces of my heart get pushed back together.

In reality: you don’t. You don’t talk to me. You don’t want to be with me. You don’t think I’m amazing. You think I’m a waste of time. You don’t say anything flirty when I send dirty pics.

Last night

(This is the part where you call me a judgmental bitch).

I watched porn. It was just a video on the main page. Usually I just watch a guy and a girl doing it. That’s pretty much all I’ve been watching since we’ve gotten close. Because when I watch that stuff I think about you.

So I was watching it, and the guy in it, he’s the type of guy I fall for.

He said “I don’t get off first, I’m a gentleman”. And to that I just laughed but yeah that’s really good of a guy, to let a girl go first. But anyway, I started to see his personality and liked more of what I saw. I ended up going back to the start of the video, and I watched the whole thing though it was 22 minutes. And after that, I watched more of his videos.

I watched 9 of his videos. Maybe now you know where I’m going with this..

So. I though, “what if I watch more of these vids What if I watch 9 of them. The same number of girls Damien’s been with. Maybe I’ll be able to better understand.”

(why did I think that would be a good idea? I deeply apologize for this post. I erased a ton of disgusting judgmental crap)

I thought parrot was waiting for someone special. And I didn’t realize before him that I was too. But he wasn’t. He just wanted whatever he could get.

But then, you told me 9. (I’m sorry. I’m a judgmental bitch)

(yes you are)

You told me 9 and I wondered why. You told me 9 thought, that you weren’t waiting to save anything for the girl you end up with. Just doing it with whoever you’re with. No big deal.

When I’m with you, you just make me feel like I’m the only girl.

But when we’re not together, I don’t feel that anymore. Don’t feel like I’m the only girl. That there’s been many girls.

But it’s no big deal right? It’s just sticking a penis in a vagina. And I know nothing since im a virgin and I should go get fucked so I can stop playing the virgin card, right?

I’m sorry I hurt you.

I never told you this. But. When you told Chris, “she’s playing the virgin card. She wants me to regret being with those girls or whatever. I don’t regret being with the girls I’ve been with.” Something along those lines. It really hurt me.

So I finished. Watched the 9 videos. I cried.

(Dear 2018 me, why TF you crying over his past? He didn't cheat on you. Just because he's been with other girls, doesn't mean he'll keep doing that stuff with other girls while talking to you. That's His past, not yours, leave it alone.

Sincerely, 2021 me. Ps, stop talking about your ex's so much, it's annoying for me to have to keep going through these messages and deleting parts where you want to random insert an ex. It's an ex. Leave them in the past where they belong.)

Some people, try to avoid things. I was doing both. Trying to avoid them but also trying to understand them.

I mean, guys are so braggy and full of themselves. “Yeah I’ve fucked this many girls. I’m gonna fuck a girl tonight.”

I don’t want to be with someone like that.

I don’t want to make you feel bad. If you were my guy friend, and we never fell in love and we were only just friends, I’d tell you something different.

I’d tell you, that it’s fine, however many girls you’ve slept with. That there’s nothing wrong with it. That, the girl you’re with needs to get over her issues and either accept the number of girls you’ve been with, or walk.

I’m not a judgmental bitch to my friends. I listen, I care, I understand.

And maybe that’s why guys end up falling out of love with me. Maybe you’ll fall out of love with me.

I’m better at being a friend than a gf. It’s different, when I’m the gf. It’s my ass on the line. It’s my heart on the line. And my heart doesn’t want to get shattered. I look too deeply into things. I obsess. I get addicted. I’m just horrible at being a gf. But being a friend, it’s the complete opposite.

If you knew me as a friend before knowing me as a gf, you’d see me differently. I mean, I tried. But you didn’t want to be friends, you wanted to be with me after having one talk with me.

And yeah, the girl I was when we first talked, it’s apart of me. Our first talk was something out of a movie. I can understand why you fell so hard for me.

Or maybe it was just after the ass pic that you fell hard for me. Idk.

But, it’s like a curse. Once I get close to someone, all these bad things come out.

Like, when I’m friends with a guy, it doesn’t matter to me. How many dating apps he has. If he’s ever cheated. I don’t ask because I’m not into him so I don’t care. I signed up to be a friend, not invade his life.

When I have feelings for someone, it’s different.

I feel like, if I’m the gf, I’m allowed to stalk. I’m not invading cause his world is my world and my world is his world. I want to know all about him. And want to know if he’s ever cheated, all about his past, how many dating apps he has, everything. And then I judge his past. Because if he can do it in the past he can do it again.

And I also learned that from parrot. I saw the way he treated his ex’s. I thought I was different. Gosh, even one of his crazy ex’s who came after me, laughed at me for thinking I was different. “You think you’re different? Lol. Hunny he’s going to fuck your over like he did to every girl.”

That’s where I’m going to leave this post for now. There’s still more things I want to say. But right now all I’m going to say, is that I’m sorry.

(Once again, I'd like to apologize for my past behavior. I seemed to have this weird belief that if someone has sex, they'll keep doing it, even in a relationship, especially an online relationship. I also felt like, you belonged to them and not to me. But you've always done a good job of making me feel like it's only me. Which is how it's suppose to be in a relationship, right? I feel my past experiences deeply screwed up my brain. I apologize for that.)

HBD :3

First of all, sorry for being the dumbest friend ever and doing the lamest shit on your birthday. Internals are going on bro, they suck the life out of me. 

Second of all, I’m sorry if this is too cringe xD I am like that only, 

Third of all, (ok its getting weird), HAPPY BIRTHDAY MALVIKA! :’) Dude, when I was 14 and talked to you for the first time, I never thought I’d be wishing you on your 21st birthday! It’s been 7 years dude. I think we’ll stay friends like forever now? Isn’t that what they say in those lame-ass Facebook posts? Anyway, dude, you are really, really special to me. Like, I wouldn’t do so much hard-work in the middle of exams so like I’m not saying it just for the heck of it. Like, I don’t think you realize how much I have to thank you for what I am today. Like everyone in college keeps telling me that ‘I’m not like other north Indians’ (very racist btw) or like I have a good English, and I swear to god everytime someone says this I ALWAYS tell them about you. I’m pretty sure you think this is all some bull-crap which I’m just saying but legit, it’s not. The only reason I started talking in English was because of you. And you might think that it is a very trivial thing but you have no idea how much it affects someone who is a very shy person from a city like Bhopal where only like 5% people can talk in English. And that’s why it makes me feel really bad that you think so much negative about yourself. You don’t know how much you affect someone dude. I’m going to clear all your misconceptions now (or at least try to, this page will always be there so you can come and read anytime you think some shit about yourself, my opinion (which is worth a lot) is not going to change). Firstly, you are NOT dumb. Dude honestly? This is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever said. And that says a lot because I’ve known you for 7 years and I’m pretty sure you’ve been ridiculous quite a few times. But this easily tops it all. You are legit one of the smarter people I know. Dude like what is your definition of smart? You are well-spoken, you understand shit, you can see people for their bullshit, you fucking aced your 12th standard, you make clever jokes, what else is required? YOU ARE SMART. That’s all you have to tell yourself bro. You don’t have to believe it. You just have to keep telling yourself that until the day you do. You cannot trust your own opinion about yourself everytime because honestly, it’s very toxic. So have some external feedback and have faith in it. Secondly, you are really pretty (hot?). Idek why I have to tell you this xD Do you know Nikesh Sharma? HE’s the mutual friend we have on facebook and he told me that the only reason that he added you on facebook is because you are hot. So like, macha, no reason to be insecure in this are. Here, you are sorted. You are pretty, with an amazing dressing sense. Better than all my friends, to be honest xD Thirdly, and lastly, you are a really, really nice human being Malvika. Idk why you don’t see it. The reason why so many people open up to you and trust you is because there’s something about you which makes them want to. I have known very few people who are as warm and welcoming as you are, especially when it comes to dealing with other people’s problems. Like, I can’t even count the number of times you’ve listened to me cry for the stupidest reasons (also can;t count the number of times you’ve been an absolute bitch to me but that’s a story for another day) and despite all that if I still care about you it’s because I never want to lose you as a friend bro. Like I don’t know how to make you believe this and so I keep repeating it, you’ve been a very integral part of my life and still continue to be. I don’t think I’ve had many friends who get me like you do. And for all these reasons I think that you should start extending the same amount of care and love towards yourself, as you do for others. Because you deserve it. You deserve it more than the people you do it for. You need to start seeing yourself for who you really are rather than believing so much negative stuff about yourself. You are and have always been a very smart, pretty, warm and an incredible person and you will continue to be. No matter what you keep telling yourself. So don’t worry about your future, you’ll be just fine. You’ll actually be better than fine, you’ll be a powerhouse. And I’ll be right there to watch you and say ‘I told you so’. So have a very Happy Birthday and take a resolve this year to be a very selfish person who prioritizes herself over anyone else. Trust me, it’s not a bad thing to do.  Happy Birthday! <3  PS: This is not visible to anyone else unless you share the link so don’t worry. Only you can see it for now. :)