rough day...

Fuck it. Might as well try my hand at streaming

.

being homesick and changing as a person so much the place you grew up in isn't your home anymore is such a core part of ati and upon further inspection i think i was projecting a little

Im a pent-up ball of pure stress and restlessness (like chest-tight and heart pounding type of stress) and I have 0 idea what to do with myself, because anytime I want to try and go distract myself with Something my anxiety spikes and my brain goes "!!! NO!!! DANGER!!! LOOK OUT FOR DANGER!!!" so I guess I'll just spend the day pacing the house and refreshing the same 3 pages on repeat, huh...

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

trying new things with mugino (my beloved) as my test subject <3

edit: updated bc i redid the whole thing from scratch lol

just found out my pocket watch i got because it reminded me of Hokma is now broken/unwound and frozen on precisely 4:00. wh. what are you trying to tell me Hokma.

If I have another breakdown at work tomorrow like I did the last time I worked a Saturday I'm going to kill myself because last time I screamed in the hallway and cried so hard I was shaking because of how stressed I was.

Something I realised recently is that when my husband works from home (either 2 or 3 days a week) I just... can't get anything done until he's done working (or actually until he goes to bed, usually). I can't go into our office because that's where he works and I feel like I'd be interrupting. But even in the rest of the apartment, I can't do anything? It just feels like I'm in waiting mode until he's done.

Usually I get up super late too. I'll lie in bed for hours, scrolling on my phone or reading a book. Not on purpose, it's just like I'm waiting for him to come to me and tell me I should get up (not like he's ordering me or anything, just that my brain is aware someone else is there and they could make the decision for me, so I just don't do anything until then...)

It just feels like there's no point in getting up or doing anything. I don't quite know why. Maybe because it feels like 'oh now I only have x hours until he's done so then I'd be interrupted so it's pointless to start anything now'? But that doesn't happen the same way when he goes to the office.

Anyway he now has to work from home for 2 weeks, and last week he had time off, and the week before that he worked from home too. And I asked him to work from home tomorrow because I was worried about the storms, sooo it was just today that he wasn't home (and I didn't get shit done either because 1. I was in pain and 2. there were thunderstorms for so many hours and I was too scared 😭)

Usually when he's home I sit in the living room all day until he goes to bed (he plays video games on his computer after we eat dinner and spend time together), then I go into the office (if I'm feeling good enough) to paint or whatever.

I don't like it but I don't know what to do about it.

when a phone conversation absolutely shatters your mood and vibe

it's funny, i spent extra on this trip to stay a forth night thinking it would actually let me relax. and like yeah, it certainly meant i didn't feel rushed, but... i really am looking forward to going home

God that mood where you both need to do stuff and want to do stuff but both needs are vague and have too many options so you just. Do nothing you want or need to do and realize all the time you had is disappearing. A good time!!!

okies I'm gonna disappear for a week or so bc flying out tomorrow to see not-so-local platonic love of my life!!

Also I have genuinely logged out on my phone. so when I say I'm gonna disappear. this is it.

I'll be back uhhhh somewhere near the end of the month.

Shit that's hilarious lmao why is the end of the month so close we just started

anyhow have fun! don't work too hard! Be good to yourselves!

or don't I guess I'm not the boss of you <3

Somehow, after months of not moving a muscle, I managed to get off my ass and do some light stretching + a whole damn abs routine too, that I still have no idea how I got through it, I remember it being hard on Normal day, and now my whole body is feeling this little workout and I'm like?? WHo are you?

Now to keep it going, tho...

*head in hands* why is it every time i'm randomly like yeah i'll get back into AK it's time for a sad goat time.