#🎶 I'm 🎶 so 🎶 mother 🎶 fucking 🎶 tired 🎶 all 🎶 the 🎶 time 🎶
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I've been feeling extremely tired recently, even more so than usually... and the only thing that seems to cheers me up somewhat is cornering some poor unsuspecting soul and telling them facts about either the Titanic or the Vasa.
Did you know that it's so shallow where the latter sunk that her masts stayed above the surface?
This is not sustainable. Maybe I'll need to try taking some different vitamins or something instead.
#🎶 I'm 🎶 so 🎶 mother 🎶 fucking 🎶 tired 🎶 all 🎶 the 🎶 time 🎶#(Tom Cardy voice:) baise moi je suis fatiguée!!!#I also have to admit I don't remember how long it took them to deal with the masts#I'd like to imagine they just stayed there for months and months to remind everyone of what had happened... but probably not#anyway!#personal.#ihmisraunio.
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*at a family gathering rookie decide to bring auron along to meet there family, so far everything was going okay their father liked him their grandmother loved him, but their mother had other plans. Behind they're back she brought their ex-boyfriend to the party and rookie was disgusted so they stay near auron, rookie yelled at their mom and yelled at their ex and left the party and ran with auron following them as the sat at a park to cool down*
Auron: 🎶So things look bad, and your back's against the wall
Your whole existence seems fuckin' hopeless
You're feelin' filthy as a dive bar bathroom stall
Can't face the world sober and wrokless
You've lost your way, you think your life is wrecked
Well, let me just say you're ..........correct🎶
Y/n: Wait, what?
Auron: 🎶 You're a loser, baby
A loser, goddamn baby
You're a fucked up little whiny bitch🎶
Y/n: Hey!
Auron: You're a loser, just like me🎶
Y/n: Thanks, asshole. *pouts*
Auron: 🎶You're a screw's-loose-boozer
An only one-star reviews-er
You're a power-bottom at rock bottom
But you got company🎶
Y/n: This supposed to make me feel better?
Auron: 🎶There was a time I thought no one could relate
To the gruesome ways in which I'm damaged
But lettin' walls down, it can sometimes set you straight!
We're all livin' in the same shit-sandwich🎶
Y/n: 🎶I had a date with a psychopathic freak🎶
Auron: 🎶Haha! And you think that makes you unique?
Get outta here, babe!
We're both losers, baby
We're losers, it's okay to be a—🎶
Y/n: worked up, fucken' tired hoe?
Auron: Baby, that's fine by me🎶
Y/n:🎶 I'm a loser, honey
A schmoozer and a dummy
But at least I know I'm not alone🎶
Auron: You're a loser
Both: Just like me
Auron: 🎶I got an appetite for gambling'
Y/n: I got an appetite for working' every copy and paper I can find
Auron: Go ahead baby, sing that song, come on!🎶
Y/n: I got no holes left to deflower *by auron*
Auron: I hurt my soul to save my power
Now I'm on that life' bad leash
Both: I'm trapped and it gets worse with every hour
Y/n: 🎶You're a loser, baby
Auron: A loser, but just maybe if we
Both: Eat shit together, things will end up differently🎶
Auron:🎶 It's time to lose your self-loathin'
Excuse yourself, let hope in, baby
Play your card, be who you are🎶
Both: A loser, just like me
*they kiss romantically*
Auron: want to go home
Y/n: yah....I had enough of family and I just want to be with you
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Hope u like it ✌🏻
💙💙💙
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ABOUT ME !
name : -
nickname / s : Herami. That's like my default nickname. The other I tend to use is Kira and ngl former guild master of one silly game used diminutive Kircia and I like it so much? It's so cute! (pronounced as... Keer-chya? probably. I'm bad at typing Polish pronounciation in English. Also now I'm curious how people pronounce Herami)
height : 150 cm or 4'11"
nationality : Polish
favorite fruit : hmmmm watermelons? I also have much love for specific kind of blueberry
favorite season : summer! I love all of them, but summer wins
favorite scents : Pelargonium graveolens I got a new one and it bloomed!
favorite color / s : lime green? that fresh, warm and almost yellow, so full of life green
favorite animals : don't make me pick one ;; dogs? birbs? cats? fishies? bats? everything that lives with a few exceptions?
tea , coffee , hot cocoa : TEA!
average hours of sleep : 7,5 h You'd think my brain would work better but seems it just tires easily xD
when my blog was created : oh boy- 10th May 2020
no. of followers : 232 .....what- ...okay, I'm not blocking deactivated people nor personals so that sure makes the number go much higher but-.... what
random fact : I have a favourite tree and no one ever asks about favourite trees :c Flowers this, flowers that, where's the love for trees? It's weeping willow
favourite food : my mom's chicken soup, pea soup and pancakes (crepes with... filling. Don't make me try to translate it)
favourite t.v. show : right now? Arcane. But I'm also watching The Glory and boy oh boy it's brutal but it rocks. Also I have undying love for Cowboy Bebop, Fullmetal Alchemist and ATLA
favourite movie : Lord of the Rings. I love many more but this trilogy is special
favourite vine : 🎶suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a mother fucking dick~
sexuality : :'D
pronouns : she
favourite book series : The Discworld. I should go the library and hunt down something I haven't read yet from it
favourite video game / s : Assassin's Creed II. I'm very sentimental about it. All Bioware's RPGs.
favourite subject : I'd say physics. It's beautifully logical, but maths in it kills me
guys or girls : Pizza!
last time i cried : last week
hair color : "dark cold blonde". I had to ask hairdresser xD No, it's not yellow blonde, but they're too light to count as brown and I'm pleased about it. They're getting darker tho ;; and gray too
what i should be doing : writing my silly little fanfic instead of just thinking about it. Also grab a sweater, my arms are cold
favourite fandoms : Goncharov ...I don't think I have one. Each fandom has it's bright and dark sides and after some time I luckily remember mostly the good things.
tagged by: @alaikhadal thank you, dear <3
tagging: @weissqween @mythunderlegion @storiedhistories @candlewick-corporation @kuokuana + @YOU! :D
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Pray for my mom even though she is at the root of many of my problems
CW: abuse, medical stuff, justified infidelity in the name of love, a lot of intense language which will leave you wondering if I’m losing it or not (but hey! I’m not lol)
Tldr: My mom is having emergency surgery tomorrow in Minneapolis, and I’m currently waiting for my flight so I can speak to her in person before visiting hours end tonight, because no healthcare professional at the moment knows when she’s going into surgery tomorrow and I don’t want to risk not seeing her.
—
This morning, I woke up and was kinda happy because I’ve been feeling better and better every single day. It’s been an exhausting life. I am so tired, but my brain is coming back - I am coming back online more and more and more. I remember.
I listened to a song on repeat non-stop for hours (I’m autistic, hi): “Saw You In A Dream” by The Japanese House
🎶And when I'm awake I can't switch off
It isn't the same but it is enough🎶
How telling.
I work at some art houses on the weekends as a docent. My ex-metamour got me the job, and I absolutely love it. The people there are great, and while it is tiring work (talking, moving around, going up stairs), it is rewarding for me. My shift today was supposed to be 11-5pm and tonight, we were gonna meet a new artist and we were going to figure out how we could volunteer our time to help him with his new installation!! So I was gonna stay there until around 9pm.
Since there was leeway in the schedule, I requested to come in at noon instead… and then later in the morning, my ex-meta was like “we’re covered until 3pm” or something and I was so excited because I really needed the time to prep for interviews, do self-care, write Valentine’s cards to my friends, maybe do my nails, maybe write a million things (I have books in my head).
I told River, and we were going to do a quick hug before work but since I had extra time, they came over to cowork and spend time. Their offerings were a worn dress (their smell comforts me) and 2 pieces of really pretty cardboard paper - it was perfect.
We got distracted and while we were doing things - it’s so hard to not keep talking to River :)
While we were being autistically gay and cute together, talking about all sorts of things (heavy, light, and anything)… my brother messaged me and I noticed my mom had called me.
I have boundaries with my parents. I cut off our relationship last April. The only times I talk to them is if it concerns my brother. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. They fucked me up.
My mom is likely having emergency heart surgery tomorrow. I spoke to the nurse. Visiting hours end at 8pm CST. I screamed with my father, with my brother moderating. We got a flight booked for me to get there at 5:48pm. Flight departs at 2pm.
I got to the airport at 1:30pm - they wouldn’t let me on the flight and booked me for a flight that departs at 3:04pm and I land in MSP at 7/7:15pm CST.
Fuck.
On my way to the airport, I called my mom’s soulmate. It’s not my father. I rarely call him but he picked up the call right away. He lives in India. I told him and told him that he was to set an alarm for when I land so that he can talk to my mother when I get to the hospital.
It’s so ironic because right before I found out about my mom today, I told River about him.
My mom and her soulmate have not talked in years. I think the last time was when I sneaked in a three-way videocall when he and I met up in India in 2016. Every year on her birthday, he texts me: “Happy birthday Madhumita”
Why can’t they talk? Because my father is a controlling asshole who monitors every phone call, every internet interaction, every movement. He doesn’t treat her as a person.
Look, I do not care if they are married and you think it’s wrong. She and him did not intend for this to happen so many years ago… and quite honestly, my parents have such a dysfunctional relationship. So fuck all of you. Including family. I do not care. If you can’t handle the truth of the human condition and experience, then fucking leave. If you cannot accept that I’m trans/queer/poly, leave. If you can’t handle that I can have a full range of emotions and still be a functional person and that I choose to be kind/soft (when I want to be)… and then still call me naive? Leave.
And also, if you don’t get how badly she abused me (example: when I was 6, she tied me up super tight with a lot of rope, left me in the bathroom, and told me that she and my father were going to leave me there to die - I was alone for hours) and why I’m going to see her to speak to her before she has emergency heart surgery, then you can fucking leave too.
—
So anyway, here I am, at the airport… with my boots not zipped up, contemplating whether to take my klonopin (but I don’t want to lose my intensity and alertness), not giving a fuck, on my way to see my mom… who I will always love even if she abused me. I can have boundaries with her and not speak to her for my own self-preservation… but I can go see her before she has surgery all the same.
Happy Valentine’s Day - pray for my mom’s heart. Thank you.
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