Why tf do I eat SO goddamn much, and I’m not even hungry really. I wish I could cut my fat off with a knife. I feel so goddamn disgusting

I work night shifts so I slept until 5:00pm. Works out since I don’t need to eat if I’m sleeping.

Popcorn 127 cal

Pickles 15 cal

Hot chocolate 113 cal

Gum - I don’t count these calories since there is really no nutritional value.

Total : 255 cal

My thinspiration: my 17 year old body. 110lbs. If I could just look like that again.

There is world that we live in that goes so fast around us. A world where some people just survive, some thrive, and some just live. People who thrive don’t have a panic attack after eating more then 700 calories a day. They don’t feel like dying when they see the number on the scale is higher then it was yesterday. They give a shit about the things that matter and don’t give a shit about the things that don’t. I am not like them. I cry because my collarbone disappeared 20lbs ago. I wish I could cut my fat rolls off with a scissors. I wake up promising myself no food today. And I go to bed hating myself for eating everything I could find in the fridge. I thought I was just living. But it turns out I’m barely surviving and I’m wishing myself closer and closer to the edge.

The feeling after a binge is enough for me to end it all.

This is my safe food.

Caramel rice cake 50 cal

Sunflower seed butter 1tbsp 105 cal

No sugar homemade strawberry jam 20 cal

Total 175 cal

Hello. I’m 20. I’m vegan. I’m a healthcare worker. But none of that matters. I’m just wanting to find people like me, really like me. People who have the same constant fear of food. People who won’t judge me. People who will encourage me in my weight goals. People who will understand the guilt of a binge. People who will not just repeat the same meaningless phrases about loving yourself over and over again. I don’t love myself. I really don’t love myself.