Finally getting discharged!

The irony of being too anxious to go ask your nurse for your anxiety meds.

“Be loud about the things that are important to you.”

(Karen Walrond)

Thursday, August 25, 2022

Standing up for what is best for me, is something I have struggled with for a long time and only recently have I become okay at it. After my conversation with the resident doctor yesterday, I felt so frustrated and discouraged that I was going to be tossed out with no support in a worse state than when I came in. So after sitting with those emotions and calming down, I was able to put my thoughts onto paper and concisely write out my concerns and what was going on (the “why” I was concerned). I also put a lot of thought into what my options were and the benefits and drawbacks to each. In the end I decided on what I thought the best option was and wrote that down to suggest to the doctor today.

The meeting with the resident and the psychiatrist (not mine, but Dr. J) went surprisingly well. I understand their predicament of needing beds and there just not being enough. They also seemed to understand my worry of being discharged and things escalating and not having many resources available over the weekend given my anxiety is so bad. So, we came to an agreement that if my anxiety settles before the weekend is over I am able to leave whenever I choose. However, if it doesn’t I am able to wait and see Dr. C and make a plan with him on how to cope at home. I was also prescribed Clonazepam to help take some of the edge off in the meantime. Thank goodness it’s helping… a little dopey, but not nearly as anxious.

“I am happy, hurting, and healing at the same time. Don’t ask me how I’m doing it because I don’t know, but I’m doing it and I’m so proud of myself.”

(Unknown)

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Tolerating discomfort is something I think most people struggle with to some degree. I know I do. Whether it’s physical or emotional discomfort it’s unpleasant at best and downright painful at worst.

The combination of stopping my Abilify and not sleeping well Monday night made for a rough day yesterday. I felt so uncomfortable in my body and head. I was aimlessly restless, and anxious without a reason. I also had a low blood sugar which definitely did not help the situation. And I ended up making the decision to go to bed around 8:00pm (I think) because I was exhausted and just needed the day to be done.

I woke up today feeling somewhat better. I feel rested, which is great. However, I do still feel very unsettled and internally restless. It’s hard to explain in a way that I think makes sense to someone else. I just don’t feel comfortable or like myself.

I am proud of myself for tolerating the discomfort for so long yesterday. I used a lot of old and new skills. Including meditation, walking/ fresh air, talking to someone, a variety of distractions, and eventually just sleeping it off. I did not end up taking any PRN medication for it! (Which if I had needed it, I would have, I’m just proud of myself for coping without it)

“Growth is often uncomfortable, messy, and full of feelings you weren’t expecting. But it’s necessary.”

(Unknown)

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Growing as a person has been hard for me and has been anything but linear. You know the image where there’s a straight line showing what recovery is expected to be, then a squiggle of what it actually is? Well, it’s not wrong. There are so many ups and downs, and forwards and backs – honestly it’s exhausting! And there are times I want to give up, and there are other times I feel like I could take on anything the world has to throw at me. Recovery is all over the map.

I am fortunate to have found someone who cares about me enough to stand by my side (by choice) through some tough times. And I have a great family who have seen me through the toughest (at least hope what are the toughest) times of my life. I honestly don’t think I would be where I am without the supports I’ve had. But let me tell you it has not been easy.

Currently I am coming to the end of a two and a half, maybe three week hospital stay. Initially I did not want to be here at all. I thought I didn’t need to be here, everyone else was crazy, nothing was wrong with me or my thoughts. Now, I can see that what I thought I needed to do was just a *little* dangerous and delusional. I am really glad I came into the hospital this time. It has been incredibly productive, and has given me a ton of time to work on routines, practices, and habits that will benefit me when I go home. Not to mention a medication change that I truly believe has made a difference.

One of my favourite routines that I have started is waking up at 5:30am every morning. Sounds painful, right? I’m aware. But it really isn’t! I’m typically tired around 9:30/10:00pm regardless of what time I wake up, so I might as well take advantage of my natural sleep time and have some “me” time in the morning. When I wake up, I spend time journaling, meditating, reading, watching YouTube videos, and when I go home I will likely spend some time outside as well!

I have also been planning a bedroom re-design (which AB is suuuuuuper excited for)! But I genuinely am so excited to have an oasis to melt into at night or through the day if I need to “get away”.

Bottom line is, I didn’t want to come to the hospital, I thought it would be terrible and traumatic. However, it turned out to be the polar opposite experience so far and I’m so grateful for finding my peace.

“So, I close my eyes to old ends and open my heart to new beginnings.”

(Nick Frederickson)

Monday, August 22, 2022

I was supposed to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow, however, I am stopping Abilify as of tomorrow, so now I am here until Thursday. I am learning the good and the bad can coexist. The good being I am coming off of a medication, the bad being I am in the hospital longer than planned. It is what it is though, and I really am trying to make the most of it. I have been really resonating with Buddhist teachings and connecting with nature. I have been using all my down time at the hospital (which is plentiful) to seek out information about all this stuff online and in whatever books I can get my hands on in here. I am trying to really focus on myself and making myself better. Building practices and routines that will last in “real-life.”

The unit is getting busier with new actual mental health/ crisis patients which is good and bad. It’s good because there’s more going on, but it’s also very distracting and to be honest I am noticing I am getting caught up in some drama and I think I need to disconnect from it already. Hospitals are weird places, especially the mental health units.  

The holiday season doesn’t equate to just one feeling. There can be room for joy and grief.

Splash of Red Vintage Christmas🌲

http://pin.it/JTTBQpj

𝑑𝑒𝑐𝑒𝑚𝑏𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒 𝑓𝑖𝑙𝑙𝑒𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑝𝑒𝑎𝑐𝑒

March 29, 2020

I’M BEING DISCHARGED!! Yay! I feel good about this. I feel like I’m in a good mental space and the parts that aren’t in a good space I have the skills to manage them. I’m really happy I went out on a limb and asked if I could be discharged today instead of tomorrow. The hospital is painfully boring and my one friend was discharged Friday so I’ve barely left my room for anything. I know home will be lonely too, but it’ll be better than the hospital. I have stuff I need to do at home like sorting through all my stuff from university. And finishing up term work from school. 

I’m still conflicted as to what I should do and where I should go next year, but c’est la vie. 

Hope you are having an amazing weekend social distancing :) 

March 28, 2020

Well it’s been a hot minute since I was last on this account. I tried to move my platform to Instagram but then realized I really don’t take enough pictures for that to work. So here I am back here!

I have has one hell of a year resulting in some great new friendships and also ending up back in the hospital for like I don’t know maybe the 20th time this year. I’m not going to go into detail about every hospital visit cause that would take forever, but I will catch you up on what lead to this current one. 

I had been depressed from August 2019 to January 2020 with no relief. My doctor at the time told me he thought I was faking my symptoms and refused to change my meds. Finally I went to my GP who put me on a different antidepressant which worked wonders. I could finally function again. This lasted maybe 3 weeks, then I started becoming manic which lead me to be admitted to a hospital in the town of my school. After I was discharged from there I began feeling suicidal and depressed, with some manic symptoms still. This brought my Mom to take me to my usual hospital’s ER and have me admitted. They started me on a new medication Clozapine (anyone have any experience with it??) 

Anyway, I’m supposed to be discharged Monday afternoon :)  

I just hate pretending.

I’m sick of it…

Sick and tired….

February 25, 2019

Welcome to my messed up life. I have gone from a straight A honours student to a barely functioning human. I’ve had multiple hospitalizations in a couple different hospitals. I was initially diagnosed with depression, which then changed to bipolar disorder, and had now settled on schizo-affective disorder. Basically this just means I have bipolar but with more pronounced psychotic features. 

But really none of this matters, unless you’re my doctor, lol! I tell you purely because people often wonder and are too afraid to ask. If you want to know me you’ll know my favourite colour is yellow. I almost exclusively live in black leggings and some form of over-sized sweater and could happily live off pasta and pizza for ever. I love country music and love going to music festivals in the summer with friends. Finally, I’m a huge nerd and I love school (most of the time anyway). 

I’m pretty sure I want to become a mental health nurse working in child and adolescent care. So this is both my mental health recovery story and my journey of becoming a mental health professional.