i don’t ask for help because then i have to deal with people

I know that I am living but why does it feel like I am dying?

people ask me how i am and don't realize how triggering that is to me

I just spend the whole day trying not to think because if I do, I might get crazy and impulsively kill myself

I feel like I'm scare of intimacy. maybe it's just anxiety I don't know but it's like a phobia or something, very hard to deal with

I fear missing out and being included

I didn't come here often even though I'm not feeling much better. actually I feel like I've been getting worse. unfortunately.

but there's something different, I feel like I'm fighting more to feel better, maybe it's because I stated going to the gym. anyway, I hope life start making sense soon because this is getting worse than boring. it's getting unbearable, I mean it.

These days I'm thinking about death a lot but not in a bad way. I keep trying to understand for what reason we have to live and why do we have to die. is that all? maybe it is maybe is not and I realize that thinking about that only increases my anxiety so I'll try to stop.

I saw this person saying that we only live once but I guess that's wrong, we live everyday and I think that death exists to make life worth something or even vice versa, it depends of your point of view...

“People think dreams aren’t real just because they aren’t made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes.”

— Neil Gaiman (via perrfectly)

I want you to stay, just a little bit longer.

please please please please...

I feel like my whole life was a wasting of time and oxygen, I didn't live, I was just existing all this time and I feel like my mental health is just getting worse and worse while the time passes and I can't help it because I'm lost, confused and stuck in here. This pandemic makes me feel even more stuck and I get kinda anxious even though I don't go outside, I could go but I don't and I think the solitude made me this person, I don't like going out and I can't quite understand why or what is happening to me, I think I still don't know myself as well as I think.

There are some days that my cat is the only solid thing I can grab on to continue the day in a regular mood, without freaking out or crying compulsively.

Sometimes I think I'm exaggerating but maybe I'm not, I don't know, who knows anything, right?

;(

there's no easy way out.

I hate where I live but I'm learning how to accept my conditions and the circumstances life gives me. I wish I could be more happy, more lovely, more kind to people around me and myself. A lot of people tells me that I am a very kindhearted person and everything but I think this place, this country is making me a worse person everyday. I hate everything about living here even the privileges.

I should be more grateful.

Start

I'm gonna start using this social media to write things that I am not brave enough to say or face when I'm on my best days, so basically I'm just gonna write here when I'm sad, lonely, confused and adjectives like this.

I hope I don't come here too often.

“I want to see more girl monsters. Girl giants, girl dragons, hulks & trolls. Scylla and hydra. Girl monsters who are huge and whole. Teeth and plush fur and long muscled tails. Heads enough to see you anywhere. Gleaming green or brown. But girl monsters are usually zombies or vampires. Pale and thin, bleeding or dead. Not Lady Lazarus, not a phoenix from the ash. I want to see how you get strong without being broken first. Get strong and stay strong. Get big and bigger.”

—

Terror Incognita

#’getting strong without being broken first’ is like all i want from anything but especially girl monster stories  #stop making women small before you let them be big  #i am tired of revenge stories  #i am tired of all my heroines hurting

(via mirroir)

““I am a Saturn who dreams of being a Mercury, and everything I write reflects these two impulses.””

— Italo Calvino (From Lewis Hyde’s website)