the ghost and the darkness

everything is a lie the only time I honest is in my own thoughts and even then I lie .

Not big lies in not betraying any one it's little ones like saying your ok but your not forcing that same smile that you have used your whole life that is now so ingrained into you life no one not even thoughs closest to you know or can tell.

I am literally venting months of frustration so if it doesn't make sense then oh well I just hope I can sleep after and that seems as good a place to start as any why the hell is something we have evolved to do so ridiculously difficult to do? (Yes this is going to be questions asked and answered we all hate it but we all do it) I can't sleep it's too hot, ican sleep it's too cold, I don't have enough room it's to noisy (your own loved one quietly sleeping next to you) it's to light! Oh well it will soon be morning I can start the make belive all over again.

So the lies well it seems I've just realised (though that is probably a lie) everything I do when interacting with another person is put on this mask of lies but it is just making it harder to function.

Let's start s bit earlier but not to far I'm not ready to dig into to much tonight any way earlier this year I was diagnosed with EUPD (emotionally unstable personally disorder) and no I'm no teenager acting out and I most certainly ain't "doing it for attention " and I hoped that having a diagnosis would help me to fight it but it hasn't really I still struggle but for thoughs around me I try to make out it has but as time goes on I realise I am putting on a facade more and more I act like I'm better than I am because of this whole social view that my very real mental problems are Just for attention the truth is most of the time I hate myself a and then I feel guilty for that because I know thoughs around me have difficulties too but here and now I want to ignore that just for a little while or this will become another lie and that's not what this is supposed to be.

The best way I can do this is start with a brief list of a few I lie to

My wife

My psychologist

My family

My friends (very few but I'll get to that)

My colleagues

So work what bull that is one I don't earn enough no were near it yes I can do more hours and I would but it just makes things worse I go in and then on most days have to smile and pretend that I'm a normal well rounded person I work in the public eye if you like so can't really say the truth of my opinions so when someone comes to me thinking that they are much better informed on stuff as I just work at a shop so that's all I know I want to beat the living shit out of them I don't work here because I know nothing else I work here because of circumstance nothing more and then I listen to my colleagues stories and what they have been up to and some seek my opinions and I try to give them the best I can knowing I don't have all the answers or even some times the best moral compass but I honestly do try to do right by them at the same time I'm covering my mistakes hiding the wrongs I have done to have the advise I do giving just enough for them to feel they know how I got it hiding the pain hurt and mistakes along the way as you will realise I'm no saint and probably not as bad as I see myself (I hope) i guess I should talk about friends don't worry this won't be long I'm friendly with some but I don't make friends well or for very long I guess I'm not good at being one I'm inherently ignorant I rarely talk to my own family unless they talk to me so I don't really know if I have friends I thought I did once but that didn't go so well well more like badly but never mind.

The psychologist that's hilarious I tell them enough to get what little help I can without getting into any trouble I gave them the minimum for them to know I need help but not so much as to risk serious therapy not that they would get to know you enough to see I'm hiding everything in a messed up way I'm proud that I can hide so much since they are supposed to be clued up on mental health it's enough to make you laugh though I slipped up once and was forbidden from driving until I convinced them otherwise my fault I guess I figured they would help not freak and make things worse I'm too controlling to actually hurt myself to many risks of messing up so suicide is a fantasy I've never killed so how can I guarantee the I won't just mess myself up and have to live with the consequences plus thoughs few who do care would be rather disappointed in me speaking of family as I've said I don't talk as much as I could do with them though me and my siblings are close it's more of a obligation to defend and support than spill your emotions to we all in our own ways have problems depression runs rather deeply in my family ie everyone suffers in someway or another I guess it's to the hardest part now the one that upsets me most is how I'm currently being with the one person I chose to be with but I should probably wait for now as I have yet to sleep and I'm running out of time to force myself asleep.

Love being back on the tracks.

More pics here:

http://www.hellkustom.com/2017/05/yamaha-xv750-by-cardsharper-customs.html

What if instead of abducting cows, aliens just picked cows up and got them over the fence to escape.

Open my eyes to the dim glow of the led lights laying on my couch to afraid to enter the room for fear of hate . I always find myself here alone in a sea of people who care not that I trust it. My life is an endless cycle of ups and downs. But still I lay to weak to change things all the voices of me tell me I deserve to be cast aside left out with the rubbish Death .... what a construct we fear it as a collective and fight it but how as individuals we are drawn to it in the pits of depression we almost use it as a shield as a defence against life when you don't want to or can't face it we latch on to this idea that in death we can be saved I too am guilty of this, that when life seems to much that death is viable a solution the sweet embrace of nothingness I wish more that I could release the stress of life without the first solution to be suicide that I could shrug my shoulders and be done with it over the past few years I have battled with my own mind and am still here I have experienced many things learnt alot about me and the world around me I've learnt to live with who I am and how to hide it from others but when all is said and done am I any better than the guy I was just a few years ago most days I still think of giving in and I combat it with thoughts of how it would affect those I love but im starting to really doubt that they are better with me they don't hear what my mind tells me what I think they don't know what it feels like to become angry like i do to hate everything and nothing to be at a loss with people and still fight for them One thing that drives me mad is when people blank you won't let you in even if you try every day your met with silence That hurts me so much to look at her and understand nothing because she tells you so little and I look and she knows what it is doing to me knowing all along that it kills me and gives nothing not a hint to the point I don't even remember when she last gave a straight yes or no its always a guessing game and I don't know how to handle it I become so angry and frustrated and guilty because I feel that it must be wholly my fault my doing and if I push for answers im met with lies and divertion I feel uncomfortable unwanted a problem a bother more and more like it would be better if I wasn't around Rant over time to find somewhere to sleep and not have to hide and on to a new day

when you go to your grandmother’s house

the ghost and the darkness

the ghost and the darkness

onizuka eikichi 

♥♥

"Runs on just about anything that’ll burn"…

The Honeywell LT101 turbine engine EcoJet.