Spy's pullout game is HORRENDOUS

🙏 🙏🙏

whoops accidentally posted my pic both on here and on my main lmao, oh well ertfygtyrd

LGBT+ Headcanons of All dem Postals

i touched on it a bit on my previous mass headcanon post but uh im gonna just add more onto it lol

Almost every postal dude is bi bc it's my initiation tactic for all of my fandoms. that and he just does give bisexual energy

Corkscrew is transhet (specifically a transman)

Nottem I'm confident in saying that he's grey-aroace. He doesn't feel romantic nor sexual feelings to 99% of the human population with very few exceptions. Even w/ those exceptions his feelings most of the time are just very laid back, save the occassional strong wave but then it returns back. So that's what I think imho.

Psychocop is Nottemsexual

Widowmaker is a lesbian and Recidivist is gay. Evil wlw and mlm solidarity, maybe even hostility too

tell me who goes on postal redux to play as smiley the clown

like who picks this man over redux dude and not important. please. i need to know if these people exist /j

shrek au dudenottem

nottem is shrek

postal dude is princess fiona (his ogre form is his redux model)

duke nukem is donkey

gary coleman (the one in postal canon) is lord farrquad

you can fill in the blanks for everything else bc this idea keeps re-appearing in my mind and i want it to stop haunting me like a victorian child from the 1800s shdfjhsjfkhsd

(also this idea is better if u imagine p3 dude specifically imo. also this applies to the first and second movies)

anytime i look at redux dude without his sunglasses this one fucking sound effect comes to mind everytime and it RUINS me

big ass postal headcanon dump incoming

Postal Dude in General ⦁ His toes look fucking horrendous but his fingers are fine. Largely bc he bites his nails so damn much. ⦁ He has a bad/good habit of looking EVERYWHERE around Paradise just to collect all the possible goodies he can find before finishing his objectives. Good because well…You can never be too armed in this godforsaken town, but bad bc it takes all day for him to do a list of chores. ⦁ Dude would only kill your ass if you're either trying to kill him or if you're being either obnoxious/annoying to him. He's not opposed to robbing stores of 5$ milk and breaking and entering people's houses for goodies. Chaotic neutral but could lean more on either good or evil depending on his mood/how he feels about the person or situation. ⦁ Speaking of, the best way to be well aquainted with Dude is to either give him free drugs (Weed and/or Crack are pretty good choices), or food (like a pizza, blue daiquiri froyo, Hell it doesn't even have to be his favorite anyway, just the thought that counts). Also if you're nice to Champ. He wouldn't exactly befriend you as he's picky about who he lets in, that and he's probably one to enjoy non-hostile company just in general but not so much into the commitment that all relationships have, friendship included. Maybe with some exceptions. ⦁ Postal Dude is Bisexy. Most of the time he goes for women since well, they come to him first. That and he finds most of the men/other people in every place he goes to (Paradise, Catharsis, Edensin) to be not of his type, only just friends with them, and/or gross. He'd only want to fuck w/ them just for money. So when he does come across a guy or someone who is nb who actually interests him, he'd steadily test the waters. Being in a relationship though is a whole other thing entirely, as I feel like considering his past experiences (i.e. The Bitch), he's kinda rightfully picky about who he'd want to spend his life with. Edit: Also Corkscrew is a transman who prefers to be with women. ⦁ He can be very affectionate when he is in a relationship with someone he actually likes. Specifically, he's a massive cuddler, as the Postal Babes have joyously found out.

more under da line

Specific Postal Dude Headcanons ⦁ P3 is 6'8", PR, P2, P4, P1, Corkscrew, and Movie Dude is 6'4", Oh Sir! Dude is 5'5". Why? Technically his height was only introduced in Postal 3 and since RWS and most people tend to retcon it to oblivion I decided to create my own reality. Also imo the only obnoxiously tall people in fiction that are allowed are women, aliens, slenderman, nonhumans, stretchy fellows, and Doom Guy (or Doom Slayer, if you perfer). But P3 still gets to keep his lanky janky ass height

⦁ I like to think that each Dude is their own continuity/universe even if canon says otherwise. Think Into the Spiderverse but Postal Dude instead of Spiderman and that's basically it.

⦁ Corkscrew gets really ooey gooey whenever someone is giving him platonic and/or romantic yet not sensual attention, since he's so used to everybody being all horned up that the instant someone doesn't feel that way at all, or does something sweet without the intent to do naked backflips with him, he gets surprised enough to actually get flustered for once.

⦁ Oh Sir! Dude has a bad habit of constantly wanting to use as much mad libs insults as he possibly can. This results in what could've been just a small annoying moment into a 3 hour long arguement that is almost about to become a shoot out. He also hates tall people.

⦁ P3 is a ditz. He's basically the himbo of the whole Dude Regional Varients. He's also the best kisser of the Postal Dudes, right up there with PR.

⦁ P1 is distrustful of everyone, but he wishes he wasn't. It doesn't help that Paradise is a very crime-heavy area, which obviously causes more very justified paranoia against everyone. He just wishes to live a normal life and have friends, but yet his own fears simply won't let him.

⦁ PR is somewhat like P1, but he actively tries his best to overcome his own paranoia without the use of any therapy/help as that shit is expensive but he wants to get better. If anything it's just that it feels like the world is actively going against him every time he tries. Not Important Headcanons ⦁ I like to think that the achievement names that you get in Hatred are the actual thoughts going through Not Important's head.

⦁ The Antagonist/Nottem is 6'2", Widowmaker is 5'7", Psychocop is 6', Recidivist is 5'10".

⦁ Not Important had always been a misanthrope who's also one of those Toxic True Crime Fans TM who like digging deep about killers that he finds interest in. I don't even necessarily think he had a tragic backstory, unless you count the potential of him being an ex-military, but even then it's never truely confirmed.

⦁ If Not Important and Postal Dude were to fight for some reason, here's how I THINK it would go: In terms of weapondry alone, Nottem could beat P1, PR, Oh Sir, and Movie Dude, but he'd be defeated by P2, P3, Corkscrew, and P4. NOW in terms of 1v1 hand to hand combat, I feel like Nottem could take them all out individually. THE THING IS THOUGH, Not Important would be so uncaring of his own well-being and so much of a Postal Dude stan that he wouldn't treat PD attacking him seriously. If anything, I can see him just pascifistically knocking PD out and just generally being like "Why you have to be mad?" like that one meme

⦁ Not Important would be able to pick up every Dude like a breeze (but not all of them at once, lmao), but only PR, P3, and maybe P2 on a good day could pick Not Important up, but they'd break a lotta sweat to do so. (PR could handle picking him up the longest, but P2 could collapse in seconds if not careful)

⦁ While Nottem heavily appreciates and looks up to PD, he will do anything it takes to basically outdo him in every way imagineable. It's not out of disrespect for PD obviously, but moreso a show of how much he made him superior than every human parasite on the planet. I imagine while some of them would be amused by this (P2, P3, P4, Corkscrew, and Oh Sir!), there'd be some who are absolutely mortified and wouldn't like Nottem's extreme need to 'beat' them at everything (P1, PR, and Movie Dude). When it comes to Nottem himself, he'd love it if someone was inspired by his heinous actions and wanted to even outdo him, like the DLC characters for example.

it pains me that the sexiest postal dude is from one of the worst postal games

to explain myself under the cut:

p3 would probably cook those horrid tiktok/generally bad (or socially unacceptable) recipes with the expectation that it'll be good. there's like a 50-50 chance the food'll be actually good or it'll be the worst thing your eyes and tastebuds have experienced

oh sir dude on the other hand would literally be like that trope of a child making a heinous concoction of a """meal""" for their parents as a well-meaning surprise. he'd straight up be like "honey i made dinner just for you 😍" and it's borderline poisonous semi-radioactive material schlop

p1 probably already has a decent amount of canned food/mres/frozen pre-prepared food at the ready, as i imagine having extreme paranoia would make you not wanna get take-out often. plus i imagine that while he could cook, he just chooses not to since it can be kinda draining sometimes (take it from me, someone who occassionally likes to cook every once in a while). that and actually intrusive thoughts could get concerning for him. On a good mental health day though, he'd be at 'can cook the basics' tier

i dont think nottem gives that much of a shit enough to put in any amount of effort to ever cook himself anything decent, let alone a basic dish. I feel like MAYBE the one time he would cook something is if uh idk he's on a date?????? but even then thats questionable dsfhhsddsfh

I know corkscrew isnt technically canon but THIS IS MY POST, I MAKE THE RULES HDSFHD but i feel like corkscrew would be too impatient to cook anything decent, or he's like drunk 80% of the time, which would make cooking a little risky. also i imagine him cooking would be like that one meme video of a lady going "now add 2oz of vodka" then proceeds to pour half the bottle in like its nothing dsfhds

P2 and P4 both would only cook those easy to make, simple recipes that dont require much ingredients or preparation but for entirely different reasons. P2 is mainly bc i can see him just being too exhaused and stressed after a day out in paradise, so why add more to that? thats even if hes hungry considering the fact he ate like all the towns pizza and donuts hsdfhdjs. with p4 on the other hand he's just enjoying the simple stress free life, so why be so snooty and pretentious, especially over something he'll inhale anyway?

Recidivist and Widowmaker, based on their loose descriptions, I feel probably wouldn't have much motivation or generally aren't very hoity toity. they just want to make their dinner and so be it if it's simple, life is already difficult to them as it is. heck theyd probably just order take out or some shit. post-nottem's rein of terror, they largely wouldn't really care about cooking anyway so bare minimum it is.

Movie Dude is literally the one postal dude regional varient that actually has some sembalance of his shit together, so i imagine that in an ideal situation, he could probably cook you up a nice homemade meal. it's not gonna be food network-type worthy, but man you WILL like it

Psychocop, esp. pre-nottem's supermassive scp k-class senario, probably seemed like the kind of guy that had his dookie together and enjoyed making himself a nice dinner anytime he could make something. post-nottem's 360 noscope against humanity attempt, i can definately see him making his comrades something thats actually fucking good bc he got tired of seeing them make shitty basic ass food by themselves that wont help them out in the long run during their own rein of terror

Redux would still have the same-ish issues that P1 has, but i feel like redux would try to improve himself and try to overcome them anyway since he just wants to live a happy life just like everyone else. because of that, i imagine he'd like take cooking almost very seriously, wanting to take time (if he can) to make himself a good ass meal as a form of self-care. it would be so much so that if he ever had to be ur roommate, you'll have the bestest fuckin homemade food in ur whole damn life when he does feel like cooking. like literally lifechanging in a way. obviously he wouldnt use stupid boujie ingredients or dumb shit like that but my god you will FEEL boujie just eating it. he'd obviously have his off-days where he'd get take-out or go for pre-made but homemade makes him feel a bit better