1st - I captured this sunrise at 5:17 AM. The light you see is what I call "Makabugwas." I grew up hearing stories from my mom about our hometown, and one of my favorites is the tale of this star. There were once orphans named Taghapunon and Makabugwas. After losing their parents, the gods turned them into stars, but the catch was that they were never meant to meet. Taghapunon is the first and brightest star you'll see after the sun sets, while Makabugwas is the last bright star before the sun rises. According to the story, "maabot an panahon nga magkikita iton nga mga bituon kun ribok na an kalibutan" (When doomsday comes, that's when these two stars will finally meet). Ever since, I always search for them whenever I witness sunsets and sunrises. There's a small hope in me that Taghapunon and Makabugwas haven't met yet so I can continue to witness the sky's ability to transform into beautiful colors.

2nd - Being a puto lover, I came accross an old lady selling kakanin at 6 in the morning. I bought these cute ones for P20. Only a few people knows how much I love puto.

3rd - Slow morning after a Friday shift means sleeping without setting an alarm and waking up to enjoy the first meal of the day at 3 PM. Sunny-side-up eggs and maling combo never disappoint.

I cherish the privilege of working remotely, which allows me to savor these simple joys of everyday life. Sometimes, we just need to slow down and take a moment to appreciate the things we have. You'll be surprised by the abudance of beauty you've overlooked.

An Open Letter To My Best Friend

I've been staring at my laptop screen for about two minutes already, thinking about how to start this letter. Now that I figured it out, let me tell you a fact about something related to the universe.

Somewhere in the vast universe out there, a star is nearing the end of its lifespan. Stars die when they run out of nuclear fuel, and their life expectancy depends on their mass. So the bigger the star, the faster its fuel supply burns up. But unlike what most people imagine about dying, stars don't die quietly. They don't just close their eyes and fade into the dark fabric of time and space. They go all out, fusing a good number of elements on the periodic table and unparalleled brightness. They also sometimes damage their neighboring stars. A dramatic exit. A supernova.

Now, why am I telling you all this? I remember a conversation we had a long time ago where you asked me if I was afraid of dying. I can't remember your answer, but I remember saying no. It's the people I'm going to leave that I'm scared of. I'm afraid of being a pain in their ass, even in the afterlife. If ever there is such a thing. I've been having a rough time again. What I mean by that is all my what if, could have been, and why would cloud me and come all at once that I would feel helpless, not being able to fight them back. So I just let them. The following day after a night of crying myself to sleep, I got an email you wrote back in May 2022. That was the first ever "letter" that I got in my entire life.

I was cut off from the first question in your email. You are asking how I am. I mustered all the courage and energy to think about the best way to answer it. 

I have always felt like I'm healing all the time. What I mean by that is I go through the usual things I do in life, get hurt, recover from it, and then start the process all over again. It gets draining, making me wonder if I will ever be in that "complete" state of healing. But I learned it from you to understand and go through the process because there is no other way.

Just a few months ago, we celebrated your win from passing the licensure exam. And just a few weeks ago, I had my teaching demonstration and interview for a teaching job I applied for. I know you know it already, but I just want to tell you again that I feel happy and relieved to be able to finally do something that my younger self would be proud of. I still remember our conversations back then talking about our dreams, and it makes me so happy that some of our aspirations are now slowly coming to life. We've known each other for I think, 11 years now, and I'm not kidding when I say that you are my best friend. Most people say that growing up means losing friends. But my definition of growing up would mean nothing if it meant not having you as my friend. A vivid memory I have about us was when I came to see you in Calbayog after not coming home for seven years, and we never even hugged, and I know it's because of the fact that we are not "physically" affectionate. It's amazing to think that it felt like I never really left. We grew, we changed, but our conversations still feels like the usual us back in high school.

The night before I read the email you sent me, I had "one of those nights". I thought about how my family would feel if the next morning they'd see me unalive. I thought about what my friends were all going to tell about me if they posted about their mourning. You know, I always believed that the universe was watching over me. And that she sends over signs even when I don't need them. I know the email you sent me was one of them. 

I was reminded that life is still beautiful after all. There are beautiful things that are worth saving and parts worth staying at. There are people who value my life and consider me a part of theirs. Thank you for reminding me that all the bad stuff going on in my life right now is just part of that healing process. And that I have to go through them. I am learning. 

I am proud of you. Of us. I may not know every detail in your life, but I know that you also have a fair share of the shittload this earth has. That you make mistakes, and I know you try to learn from them. Healing is not linear. Our future selves will thank our present selves for going through the tricky part. Most of the things that are difficult for us are often products of our thinking. We have to take things easy and control our minds. There are situations we can't manage, but our reactions can be. Let's not be afraid of healing, even when it gets complicated. The process will shape us into the person we are growing to be. 

I can't wait to sit without and talk about death, heaven and earth, religion, politics, and all other things we can think about. I can't wait for the day when we will talk about our past selves and laugh about them. Are you afraid of dying? Whatever your answer is, I hope it will be peaceful for you. I want to think that all people dying on earth become stars. The good ones or those with more value for you get to be the brightest. I know one day, you will be one of them. If you are ever a star in the cosmos, your dying will outshine the galaxy. You will be very bright. Please don't ask me why. I can't think of any more metaphors for that.

Thank you, Kong, for everything. Life is indeed beautiful, after all. I love you, and I am proud of you. You are kind and not perfect, but you have a huge capacity for love.

Love,

One Of The May Lives You Inspire

Monthly Dump: September

Wow! August went by so fast, and here I am writing another entry for my monthly dump post. Nothing much has happened this month. I stayed most of the time at home, but I could recall a few things that highlight this September. 

I rarely visit my relatives, so when Mama asked me to go with her to visit my Lolo, I instantly said yes. He was the younger brother of Mama's father, and it was the third time they had met, so when he and his family saw us, his apos, they were so happy. We had lunch together with some of my cousins that I didn't even get to know the names of. 

Someone got me a guitalele! Receiving gifts is not my language, so when I receive presents in any form, it will take a lot of discussions first before I say yes or they agree that I give them something in return. This one is so hard for me to learn because I got used to a ukulele, and the tuning is different from a guitar. But I will surely learn this one!

The old place where I stayed had a beautiful view of sunrise and sunset. So it was one of the few things I missed when I moved into a new one. I don't often get to see sunsets any more, so I really am happy when I'm able to see one. The one in the photo is from an overpass in EDSA. Such a beauty!

I went to the Google Music Fest! I saw many artists perform live, like Unique, The Juans, and I Belong To The Zoo. The night's highlight was me finally jumping along to Atin Ang Mundo and singing along to Mundo. It was a night to remember!

September was also a challenging month for my mental and emotional health. Good thing I survived it! And actually, we are down to 3 more months before the year ends. I'm a bit excited about what's yet to happen, but right now, I want to take a lot of time for myself for the next month. See you in October!

Monthly Dump: August

It was August of last year (2021) when I started making camera dump videos where I compile images and videos that highlight my month and post it on my social media. This year, I decided to also start doing a monthly blog post about how my month went. And I’m also starting it with August. August is not that sentimental to me, but I guess it will be now. 

So here are the highlights of my August:

I finally dyed my hair red. Well, it’s not totally red because it’s a mix of Bremod’s Burgundy and Red. It’s been a lifelong dream to have my hair dyed and I’m so happy I finally achieved it without my mom scolding me. She even helped me that day. :D

I wrote a new song entitled Kahit Di Mo Sabihin. I really wanted to link the demo file here but I feel like it’s not the time yet. I started making my own songs with my ukulele guitar, and this song’s what I considered the most special one. All because I had to watch vlogs by Chiro Miranda, TONEEJAY, and Rico Blanco, before writing it because I wanted it to turn out good. For me it did. I’ll share more about my song soon! Not a pro, but pwede na.

I finished reading My Heart and Other Blackholes. It was a good book. I had fun reading it and learned a lot about the life of someone plotting her own death. I’m happy that I’m slowly getting back to reading again.

I made friends with the resident cat in the apartment/building where I’m staying. I named her Mingkay which I usually play with at 3 am when I take breaks from my work. Sadly, we aren’t allowed to give her food, but I’m allowed to play with her. I once gave her a cat treat tho, I just had to turn my back to the CCTV so the landlady won’t see us. 

I had a lunch out with some of my college friends. It felt good to be socializing again after staying at home for months. And it’s nice to see familiar faces again and talk about our lives after 2-3 years of not seeing each other. 

It was a fun month. A rollercoaster ride I guess. Shred a lot of tears, had a breakdown but also laughed a lot of times. I guess that is the cycle of my life. I’m excited for the next month’s entry!

dreams are said to be windows into the lives of our multiversal selves.

i now want to be reminded by this every time i dream about you

— about us sharing laughter in the street as we walk home exchanging smiles in the same room drinking beer by the beach

i hope that somewhere out there, my dreams are real. that way, i know the other versions of me are genuinely happy.

if the multiverse theory is real, i hope i fall in love with you in every other universe too.

I used to have bad vivid dreams. I could remember almost every detail of them when I woke up. But when I met you, I started wanting to have dreams every time I went to sleep. I never had a bad dream with you in it. I would always dream about you smiling at me, us giggling in the street watching the sunset, us going on road trips, and us drinking beer at the beach. Every beautiful dream I'll have with you gives me comfort every time I wake up. And what's more beautiful than that is that my dreams are extension of my reality. Right at that moment of realization, I knew what you actually feel like — home.

Beginnings

In my January entry for this month, I wanted to talk about beginnings. I sum up the things I learned this month into three things, and I’d like to share them with you all. 

1. Find joy in the ordinary. Happiness always begins in small things. Joy is just around all of us. Joy is when your playlist’s on shuffle and your jam comes in. Joy is when you’re having fun and realize that you haven’t slept for hours without stressing out from the thought of it. It can be about witnessing the first rays of the sun and drinking Yakult outside. It can be about hearing the sound when opening an ice-cold at noon. I realized that happiness is not always fancy. We just have to look around because they are always there. Most importantly, just look up if you feel like running out of things to make you smile. There is always something serotonin-inducing in the sky

2. Allow yourself to new experiences. First-times are frightening but remember that you’ll never know a thing unless you try it. We need to let ourselves learn. Along with this, we have to remember that no one is good at anything at first. So we have to be patient with ourselves. If it doesn't turn out the way we wanted it to be, the experience should be our best takeaway. If we are too afraid to get out of our comfort zones, we may not discover something incredible. I always think about a line from Greyson Chance’s Waiting Outside The Lines: “You'll never enjoy your life living inside the box — You're so afraid of taking chances; how are you gonna reach the top?”.

3. Don’t be afraid of beginnings. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. You just have to take the first step. I now would like to remind myself of all the changes and risks that I took from the past that made me survive this far. I have been through a lot of endings and beginnings. So if I have accepted them before, how can I not even do it today? The first steps are always scary, I know. But I realized that there’s no other way around for us to experience something. It always starts with it — start. 

To my 2022 self

This is your 2021 self writing you a letter in case no one still writes you one. How are you doing? I hope your heart is happy while you are reading this. In summary, 2021 was not a good year for us because it has thrown us stones we never expected to come our way. But you were also able to conquer those. Despite the countless nights where you cry yourself to sleep, there were mornings where you choose to get up and continue in this life. To that 2022 version of ourselves, I just want to let you know that it is okay to fall sometimes. It is okay if all you manage to do in a day is just survive. It is also okay to ask for help and find a shoulder to lean on especially at times where you felt the need for it.

I hope you prioritize your mental and physical health over anything else. I hope you are getting enough sleep. You should drink water more often. I hope you are traveling more often than last year. I hope you are also acing your job and are doing well. Take some time alone if needed. Do not be afraid to say no. It's okay to take risks but remember that a simple yes could make a huge difference. Learn and heal at your own pace. You also don't need to explain every decision you make to anyone. I hope you also learn to interact with people you are comfortable with. But also remember that it's okay if your friends can't be with you at times you need them. It's okay to be uninvited, to be the last option.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you love yourself more. There's more to this life. I hope you have more beautiful dreams and more good songs to discover. I am proud of you, of the person that you are now, and the person that you are yet to become. Hold on a little longer. Better days are coming.

With love,

Your 2021 self.

A coming-of-age (kinda thing)

I just turned 22 last month. Aside from finally relating to Taylor Swift's 22 songs, I have always looked forward to that age before. And now that I finally reached that age, realizations started to hit me eventually. Here's a wrap-up of my coming-of-age kinda thing. 

1. I avoided a lot of people this year. I chose to because I felt like I didn't have the energy to sustain a conversation with them. It came as a realization to me that it's definitely okay to not have friends around. People change. People grow apart. You should too. People enter our lives for various reasons. Some people are there for a lifetime, and some are there for a different purpose, to teach us something in a shorter time frame. 

I always had this fear of rejection from people. I am too ashamed even to say "Hi" to my old pals because I don't know how to respond when they answer "Okay lang naman ako" to my "Kumusta ka na?". But I cut that shit out. If you miss someone, reach out to them. You might not know it, but your simple hello or hi might save them. On the other way around, maybe to them, you are that someone that is meant to meet them for a shorter time frame. So make the most of it. 

2. I ended a 3-year long relationship with someone. It took me a lot of courage to do it, but I did it anyway. I learned that if it's no longer good for you, you have all the right to let it go. The other person might not understand your side, but you should make an effort to let them know. Explain even if they can understand it yet. One day, when you meet again, words will no longer be needed for both of you to understand why such a thing happened. Heal on your own timeline. 

3. It's okay not to have your life figured out yet. We live and learn every day. We still have a lot of time to discover new things, and our minds will change a lot. It's okay if you see people of your age achieving and pursuing things while you can't. It's your life anyway. As long as you're pushing yourself every day towards the person you want to become, you're doing it right. But even if you're not, it's also alright. Don't punish yourself if all you do is just survive. You are on your own timeline. 

4. Not everyone will like you, and it's okay. What matters is what you think about yourself. Embrace what makes your feel happy. 

5. This one actually feels like the most important item here. It's not too late to take responsibility for an offense you did in the past. Especially if it's been heavy baggage, you've been carrying around. Forgiveness is not an easy thing to give, but it's possible. At times, those baggage are things that keep us from moving forward. Take all the time you need to muster up some courage to admit your mistakes and let them take the people your hurt all the time to heal. Also, apologies are useless without the intention to change. You hold that responsibility to that. Most importantly, forgive yourself too. 

-----

I am happy that I can finally say I'm working on my betterment. I am excited about the idea of finally making the most of what I have right now — freedom and time. To end this post, I want to toast for the versions of ourselves that we once imagined but never happened. It's not too late to be what you could have been. 🥂 Run your own pace. 

Para sa mga namahay ng mga multo ng nakaraan

Hindi ako sanay matulog nang may ilaw. Nasisilaw ako sa liwanag. Nakakapaso at nakakabahala. Pakiramadam ko'y kasunod ng unang kislap ng ilaw ay s'ya namang lingon ng mga matang mapanghusga. Nakikita nila ang kahubdan ng kaluluwa ko.

Pagkauwi ko kanina, tinanggal ko lahat ng saplot kong tanging karamay ko sa paglalaboy. Oo, pinipilit ko pa ring takasan ang mga anino ng mga kahapon na kasama ka.

Labing-siyam na buwan at anim na araw na ang nakalipas. Itong klase ng pag-iisa ay wala pa ring senyales ng katahimikan.

Naaamoy ko pa rin ang gatas na tinitimpla mo sa tuwing hindi ka makatulog. Naririnig ko ang mga yabag ng paa mo mula sa banyo kada gabi dahil sabi m'oy kasalanan ang pagtulog nang hindi naghihilamos. Nalalasahan ko pa rin ang tamis ng mga hagikhik mo mula sa mga hilig mong panoorin. Dama ko pa rin ang init ng hininga mo sa tuwing maglalapit ang mga mukha natin sa pagtulog. Wala kang kaalam-alam kung ilang beses ko nang tinakasan ang antok dahil mas ginusto kong tignan ang mukha mo.

Pagkatapos kong magbihis ay ibinaba ko ang kapeng dala ko mula sa labas at saka tinignan ang relo. Nagsimula akong iligpit ang bawat gamit na nagpapaalala sa akin ng mga multo ng nga alaala mo. Isa na lang ulit ang tuwalya sa banyo. Nasa basurahan na ang sabon at koloreteng gamit mo sa tuwing maghihilamos ka. Hindi na rin sobra ng isa ang bilang ng mga kubyertos ko. Nagpalit na ako sa kutson at tinapon ang puting damit ko na huli mong hiniram.

Ngayong gabi, pinili kong hindi patayin ang ilaw. Hahayaan kong usisain ako ng mga multong ilang ulit kong ibinahay dito. Napaghandaan ko na ang mga pagpaparamdam mo. Hindi na ako magugulat sa mga kalabog, sitsit, at bulong ng pangalan ko.

Hindi ko papatayin ang ilaw pero huwag mo sanang ikagalit kung sa pagpikit ko ay siya namang pagkalunod ko sa kinang ng mga mata mo.Pangako, araw-araw naman akong aahon.

Napaisip lang ako bigla. Nakakamiss pala talaga yung dati anoh?

Yung nga memorial parks at simbahan na masarap tambayan. Yung mga food parks na mapupuntahan mo pag bored ka lang. Yung pagsakay sa jeep at bus na kahit siksikan, matutuwa ka kasi iba't ibang mukha nakikita mo. Yung maeenjoy mo maglakad-lakad kasi di ka nasusufocate kasi wala kang mask at faceshield. Yung mga weekend getaway na mabilis mong magawa.

Lahat yan nagagawa ko mag-isa. Kahit wala pang pandemic, wala naman na kasi talaga akong nakakasama. Karamihan sa mga tao namimiss mga kaibigan nila sa ganitong sitwasyon. Pero ako, mas lumalala ang longing ko sa mga taong di ko naman talaga nakasama. Kaya mas namimiss ko na lang yung mga dati kong nagagawa.

Malaya na tayo

Nakita kitang umiiyak. Doon sa lugar na lagi kong pinupuntahan isang beses sa isang buwan. Dahil dito...dito, tinitingala ko ang b'wan at nginingitian naman niya ako. Nakita kita. Hindi iyon ang inaasahan kong simula. Pero doon tayo nagsimula. Iniabot ko ang kamay ko sa'yo kasabay ng panandalian mong pagtahan. At sa unang beses na nakita kitang luhaan, may nakita akong kalawakan. Nilakbay ko ito pero iba ang nararamdaman ko. Lungkot. Pangungulila. Takot. Bigla akong nakabalik sa mundo nang tinabig mo ang kamay ko. "Bakit ka andito?" Tumabi ako sa'yo. Hindi ko pinagmasdan ang b'wan at ang mga bituin. Noong gabing 'yon wala akong narinig na kaluskos o kuluglig. Pinakinggan lang kita. Pinakinggan ko ang nga hikbi mo at doon, nakilala kita. Hinayaan mong yakapin kita. Unang beses ko ring nasilayan ang ngiti mo at doon, sa gabing yon, minahal kita.

Natutunan mong hawakan ang kamay ko. Na para bang wala kang ibang nakikita at nararamdaman kundi ang dati mong kalawakan na nabago ko. Natutunan kong punasan ang mga luha at isandal ang ulo mo sa balikat ko. Na para bang may nagsasabi sa aking "ito ang mundo mo-ito ang dapat pakinggan mo". Natutunan nating lakbayin ang kalawakan. Sabay nating minahal ang b'wan. Ang dilim. Ang liwanag sa ilalim ng mga bituin.

Minahal kita. At sa maikling panahong iyon, alam kong minahal mo rin ako. Hindi ko inasahang magtatapos, pero mahal tapos na. May para bang bulalakaw o kung ano na bumagsak at sumabog na gumising sa atin na may totoong mundo. 

Mahal hindi na natin kailangang magtago. Hindi na natin maririnig ang pangungutya ng ibang tao. Mahal patawad. Dahil hindi kita mababawi sa mundong nagsasabing bawal dahil pareho tayo. Patawad dahil hindi ko mabago ang pananaw nila na isang Adan ang para sa isang Eba na gaya mo. Masyadong makapangyarihan ang mundo. Nawasak nito ang ating kalawakan. Winala ang mga bituin at binawi ang b'wan sa atin. Iniisip ko nalang, siguro nahirapan na rin ang panahon na pagkasyahin sa habambuhay ang pagmamahal ko sa'yo kaya hanggang dito nalang tayo. Hindi ito ang gustong kong pagtatapos. Ayaw kong magtapos. Pero mahal... Mahal, tapos na. -  072517

Sana p’wede na lang bumisita sa langit

Hindi ako lumaking nakilala ang lola at lolo ko. Yung mismong magulang ng mama ko. Sabi sa’kin naabutan ko naman daw ang lola. Siya pa nga nag-aalaga sa’kin dati. Pero nakakainis kasi di ko man lang siya maalala. Kahit mukha niya. Kahit gan’on, lumaki naman ako sa mga kamag-anak kong tinuring ko nang lola at lolo. 

At kapag ganitong malungkot ako, sila ang naalala ko. 

Dati lagi nilang sinasabi sa akin mag-aral daw ako nang mabuti. Para daw makapag-asawa ako ng foreigner at yumaman ako. Pabiro lang naman sinabi nila yun, pero alam kong totoo ang gusto nila para sa akin. Ang makaahon sa hirap. Sila lang kasi ang nakakita sa hirap ko dati. 

Sana pwedeng bumisita sa langit noh. Gusto ko silang mayakap. Gusto ko silang makita ulit. Gusto kong magpasalamat na naniwala sila sa akin. Kaya isa sila sa dahilan ba’t nagpapatuloy ako. 

Minsan naiisip ko, totoo nga ba ang langit? Hindi man ako relihiyoso, pero noong bata ako naniniwala ako doon. Pero bakit parang ang damot naman nila? Kung totoong sa langit, walang sakit, walang lungkot, bakit hindi nila tayo pabisitahin? May mga taong gustong marating ang lugar na ‘yon. Nang saglit lang. Para sa kaunting hinga. 

Gusto ko pa dito. Pero kung kapalit ng panandaliang ginhawa ang buhay sa mundo, huwag na lang muna siguro. Titiisin ko na lang muna. Para pagdating ko doon, marami akong baong kwento kela lola at lolo. Para wala na ring dahilan na bumalik pa ako sa mundo. 

What I learned about self-love

I used to believe people who once told me that I could not love others if I don’t love myself first. Because of it, I always made sure to prioritize myself before anyone else. Until I realized the pressure it caused me. I concluded that what they usually say about self-love doesn’t work for everyone. 

We tend to box ourselves from loving others because, at the back of our head, there’s a thought that you need to do it to yourself first. Even when we actually have the capability of loving, we hold back because of the belief that it’s wrong. Because of this, we become selfish of love.

Self-love is a process. It’s always going to be a work in progress. It’s not a level that you have to pass or complete before moving into the next one. Sometimes, you have to start giving love to others first before you realize its need for yourself.

You might argue with “You cannot give what you don’t have”, but you know what I learned, love has many definitions. Love can sometimes be a feeling or a mere emotion and not a possession. When you feel love, you don’t always have to do something about it — sometimes, it’s enough that we acknowledge love. You don’t have to act it out because sometimes it’s enough that you just feel it. 

If you feel like you cannot love yourself for now, try loving someone else. You don’t need to do anything about it. You just have to have that feeling. Just love. While you love somebody else, let love find its way back to you. One day, you’ll finally tell yourself that you’re ready, and that’s it.

Things I would love to learn how to do

I literally just finished my work on a Monday shift when I looked back at how I spent the recent weekend. I did nothing, and by nothing, I mean I spent it doing chores and using my phone most of the time. I realized, if only I could learn how to do other things, my life would be less boring. 

Here are five things I would love to learn how to do. 

1. Ride a bicycle. Being a skinny kid growing up, I never really had the chance to learn how to ride a bike because I was so scared of getting hurt. Now that I see people enjoying cycling as a pastime activity, I kinda feel jealous about it. I would always imagine spending an afternoon just biking around. 

2. Swim. I grew up in Samar. I know. The place is known for its majestic beaches and waterfall, and I never learned how to swim. I remember spending the whole week on my father's barrio, and we would go swimming on the beach every single day, and I was the only kid who had a floater. I'm a beach person, but I really don't know how to swim, and I am aware that I am missing a lot because of it. 

3. Play a guitar. I love the sound of a guitar, and I would love to learn how to play it. I had multiple attempts, but I failed. My fingers would hurt from pressing the springs too tight, and I would get confused because I cannot follow a strumming pattern. 

4. Speak another language fluently. This is going to be a big advantage, especially when I get to travel to different places. I want to learn Spanish, Japanese, or Korean.

5. Cook. The reason why I would love to learn this is for my Mama to be proud of me (LOL), and of course, for survival in the coming years. I wouldn't want to grow up getting used to ordering food from fast foods or cafeterias. 

I'd love to hear yours! What's something you'd love to learn how to do? Leave a comment. :) 

I thought I was used to it

I haven't talked to my friends for how many months now. I would only talk to my best friend a couple of times in a month, and we would only exchange a few chat messages, and after that, we'll have to wait days or months until we remember checking each other out again. On a daily basis, I would only talk to two people in my life, my brother and my mom, and then talk to my boyfriend through chat. 

I cannot exactly remember when I stopped talking to people. I can only remember the why. I felt like they didn't need me anymore. I felt like I have always tried to fit myself in, where in reality, I was an outcast. I would do hilarious things just to have the spotlight on me. 

I am an introvert, and only a few people know that. Actually, I don't know if someone knows that. Since I was a kid, I have always craved attention, so I would do things out of my boundaries just to have it. I would initiate group dates and trips. I would create group chats for a circle of people I belong to. I used to try to connect with people. Until I decided to stop. 

Reality suddenly hit me. I am scared of being alone. I thought I was already okay. I thought I was already used to being alone. But I was wrong. 

Being alone still makes me sad and cry. It still hurts seeing people that used to be part of my life happy without me. I am genuinely happy for them, but it hurts me knowing I don't have what they have. 

It really hurts when you used to have something that would suddenly disappear from your life. Then you'll end up blaming yourself. I blame myself for not trying to reach out to them. But it's terrifying. Rejection is scary. 

I used to be that i-am-always-here type of friend. But when I stopped talking to them, no one even bothered reaching out to me. 

Some say we should be the one to initiate, but rejection is too draining. They used to say losing friends means you're growing up. But for me, losing friends makes me realize that I am slowly growing up alone. 

The advice that has stuck with me for a long time

In my senior year in high school, and since it was the graduation season, universities and college school has started visiting high schools to invite incoming college students. This was pre-K12 program.

A woman visited our section. She was a representative from ACLC. She was discussing their school policies and came to a point na nagtawag siya ng students.

I was called, and so I stood up.

“Anong kukunin mong kurso?”

Sabi ko, “Mass Comm po ang gusto ko”.

She exclaimed, “Talaga? Mass Comm graduate kasi ako”.

I was amazed at that time because I was really dreaming of taking up that course. Alam mo na, graduation so nagsisismula na akong mangrapa sa buhay. Back then, I wanted to write, speak, be part of the marketing media and advertise.

She was asking me questions when she said something that has stayed with me ever since,

“Mahirap simulan ang isang bagay kung wala kang alam, at mahirap tapusin kung wala kang interes”.

Sabi pa nya galingan ko raw at sana ay maka-graduate ako sa kursong gusto ko.

A year later, I took BSIT—kursong wala naman sa listahan ng mga gusto ko.

She was indeed right. Hirap na hirap ako sa kursong kinuha ko kasi wala namang akong interes. But I took her advice as a challenge. Sinimulan ko ang college nang may interest, at tinapos ko nang may alam.

As years went by, na-realize kong applicable ang advise na iyon sa napakaraming bagay. For you to accomplish things, sometimes interest talaga ang magiging driving force mo. We do some things because we enjoy doing it; others are just things that must be done. If you start to find yourself losing interest in that one thing, think about the consequences of not doing it. Rest if needed. Take all the time that you need if it permits.

I cannot remember that woman's name, but I still wish that I could meet her again. I wanted to tell her that the girl she interviewed way back in 2015 who was just dreaming of being a Mass Comm student is now an Editor in an IT company. Thanks to her advice who challenged me to get myself out of college.