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salt-and-vinegar-chips · 6 years

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so like, i rambled on and on about this in the tags of this post but it was not enough– i’ve been dragged deep into the steven/ryan rarepair hell, and i just can’t take it anymore.

so, here, have some headcanons.

now, before you call for my head, hear me out–

i don’t ship them strictly romantically?

like you know when you have two people and they have this chemistry and they act this certain way around each other and you KNOW they had something in the past????

so like you ship them not as end game but strictly as exes or ex-almosts or whatever you just want them to have history????

steven/ryan is that ship

so like… steven is a pansexual hot mess

even bigger than eugene

no seriously, even zach agrees

it doesn’t matter that he looks at steven as this lost puppy he just wants to coddle because he’s excited, shy, sunshine all the time– when zach says steven lim is an even bigger, gay hot mess than his goddamn chaotic neutral boyfriend, damnit he means it.

steven has so MANY crushes

like one every other week

he just really likes beautiful people– and literally everyone at buzzfeed is beautiful.

and it’s like??????? there was one time he was hopelessly enamored by safiya and another time he had a HUGE thing for all four of the try guys (aside: he definitely started the “calling ned fulmer dad/daddy every time you compliment him” trend, you can fite me on this) and another time he had a crush on tyler, safiya’s boyfriend, and another time he just really loved looking at evan, and another time he was waxing poetic about both kelseys, and another time he just really, really liked both ben and his girl friend.

listen. steven is a mess. he is a mess surrounded by gorgeous people. someone save him.

anyway. so he had a crush on ryan.

and literally all you have to do is watch his goddamn live streams on facebook to come to this conclusion

steven lim’s actual reaction to ryan bergara shedding his shirt: HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING MORE GORGEOUS THAN THAT?????

goddamnit, steven, calm the fuck down you are on cAMERA

anyway, steven, when he’s comfortable enough around his crush, is super vocal about it. and he flirts. badly.

like so bad.

the entire office is stuck between perpetual second hand embarrassment and just absolute endearment

it’s like watching their little brother ask out his crush to prom

it’s… it’s a mess. steven is a mess.

but the thing is, ryan kinda liked the flirting.

he really liked the flirting.

so after the sneaker episode of worth it, he took steven out on a date.

and another one.

they went out for a total of four months.

and in those four months, exactly four things happened:

1) everyone avoided Shane, because jealous Shane is fucking terrifying,

2) everyone avoided Andrew, because the oh my god you’re jealous teasing always led to the inevitable i’ve been pining after steven for fucking years so yes, i’m fucking jealous– i’m so jealous i can’t see straight hissing and it’s awkward for everyone involved,

3) everyone avoided Adam, because the man is just so stressed because his best friend is so stressed but Steven is also his best friend (he won’t admit it out loud) and Steven is kinda happy so he’s stuck in this push and pull between these two energies and it is exhausting,

and 4) steven and ryan fell in love and out of it really quickly

like, srsly, they got whiplash with how fast they went through the phases

at some point they were really into it, with ryan holding steven’s hand and steven getting flustered and ryan kinda grinning and standing on his tip toes to kiss his red face

and there were moments of really heated 1-on-1 basketball matches– but let’s not get into that.

and, yeah, being around each other felt super nice and getting to wake up to each other on some days was super nice too

but like… their interests never did meld together much

soon, they started wanting to hang out more with other people than each other

and steven lost interest super fast because god ryan is such a fucking dork

by the time they reached the three month mark, they kinda felt like they were performing.

just… the giddy rush of feelings were no longer there. being together felt like an actual chore instead of a privilege. so. yeah.

lucky for them it kinda happened at the same time? and it happened in such a way that they recognized it in each other– so by the fourth month mark they looked at each other and came to the conclusion that they were just better off as friends.

and it was super lowkey. no fighting. no tears. maybe like one last make out session, but like, after that? nothing. no drama.

it was so quiet the people at the office thought they were still together.

and… well. they were kinda salty at each other for a month or so? like they didn’t really ignore each other or vague about each other or rant about the other.

they recognized that it was a mistake and embraced it as an experience.

but… you know. they did miss each other and what they had.

they got over it though. steven sent ryan a meme (some really obscure one that, honestly, he doesn’t even remember anymore) after about a month of their break up

and ryan started this super weird chat about the progression of memes from rage comics to the weird gen z humor that them millennial can’t understand. they had this whole back and forth until 3 am.

and with that they were ok

they fucked with people a lot tho

like the amount of times they referred to each other as “my ex” gave both shane and andrew a heart attack

“hi, i’m steven lim and this is my ex–”

“hi, i’m ryan bergara, did you want to see my ex?”

“oh yeah, i’m just waiting for my ex to get here.”

they sometimes slip and still kiss each other on the cheek a lot just to fuck with kelsey d. and ned, because honestly those two were the most scandalized at the notion that you can still be good friends with your ex

(ryan made sure to kick steven out of his netflix account though– literally the first thing ryan did the second they were done with each other)

the first time someone referred to them as boyfriends after the break up was at an office party and they casually, simultaneously replied: “oh we broke up a month ago”

and, swear to god, andrew spit out his drink

shane left for a moment to get another drink– his poor heart just couldn’t take anymore of it

a good thing about this little piece of history: they like to drag each other about it a lot.

“i hate you.” “YEAH BUT YOU DATED ME, SO–” “shut up ryan!”

“hey, have you finished those numbers yet?” “yeah. literally an hour ago.” “wow, that was fast.” “like you in bed?” “oh for the– FUCK YOU, STEVEN.” “you already did.”

“guess who i am: oohhh, i’m going to hog the bathroom for an entire hour just so that my hair is perfect oh look at me and my silvery locks, oooohhh!” “guess who I am: oooohhh, look at me, i like to be shirtless almost all the time, and i have all these gym selfies i never post because i like looking at myself too much– watch me flex in front of the mirror every morning!”

another good thing: steven was the one who let shane know that ryan was versa af.

that was an interesting drunk, 3 am conversation. a week later ryan and shane finally got together.

steven and shane high-fived. ryan was visibly distraught.

another another good thing: when steven finally got his head outta his ass and realized that andrew is a pretty great guy– but was too afraid to go for it because, hey, remember how that turned out (also he was kinda freaked because his crushes usually only last for about three weeks or so but with andrew it fucking persisted and it’s… it might be the real deal and he doesn’t know how to handle it)???

anyway, ryan was the one who gave him the goddamnit steven, go for it! pep-talk.

it took a bit longer with andrew and steven because andrew has been crushing for so long and he’s seen steven sorta fall and then lose interest so many times– he doesn’t want them to be anything like that.

but steven does prove to him little by little that he wants this so much more than the others and they do get together eventually.

steven and ryan stop kissing each other on the cheek then– but they do still refer to each other as exes.

they’re labelled as “my ex” on each other’s phones.

tbh, they’re beating a dead horse by this point.

but, whatever. they like to laugh about it.

(shout out to @honeybeurreblanc and another friend of mine (who i think doesn’t want to be tagged but is an absolute angel nevertheless) for screaming about this the both of you are the best.)

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