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Fictober 2023 Day 5

Prompt #1: “It’s not too late, let’s go.” (ao3) - set during s1

The weather is surprisingly fitting for the night, Scully thinks. Though little of the outside world is visible from the window at the top of the basement wall, it’s clear that a storm rages outside. The report she’s working on is illuminated every few minutes as lightning strikes over DC. She can see her own reflection on her computer screen, tired from a long day of work and overtime.

“Sorry for keeping you so late,” Mulder says from behind the desk, where he hunches over some paperwork. “I hope your house doesn’t get egged or anything.”

Scully shakes her head. “There really aren’t that many kids in my apartment building. I usually just leave out a bowl of candy and call it a night,” she shrugs. “I could go trick-or-treating with my godson and his mother, but they usually go with a big group of other parents and kids and it feels weird being the only adult there without a kid to pay attention to.”

“Fair enough,” Mulder nods. “Plus trying to get candy as an adult is probably frowned upon, right?”

Scully laughs lightly. “Generally, yes. Did you have plans tonight? Halloween must be nothing if you’re hunting monsters all year round.” she remarks, leaning back in her chair.

Mulder shrugs. “Nah, I still think it’s a fun holiday. Sam and I used to trick or treat every year, so it’s a day with some decent memories attached to it,” Scully absorbs this piece of information, still taken slightly aback every time Mulder reveals something about his childhood to her. “What about you? It must be a fun time of year for someone whose favorite movie is The Exorcist.”

Scully raises her eyebrows, a little surprised that Mulder had managed to remember her passing comment about that.

“I’ve always liked Halloween,” she says. “The holiday was fun as a kid, especially when we lived on a naval base with a bunch of other kids. But beyond that I’ve always appreciated the season, too,” she pauses for a moment to consider how to phrase her thoughts. “It’s the one time of year during which society tends to confront our darkness out in the open. Fear and death are a topic of interest rather than something to be avoided like the rest of the year. As much as it’s a festive time, it makes us vulnerable, too.”

“Are you wrestling with any darkness, Agent Scully?” Mulder asks, learning forward.

She thinks of the last seven months, of an immortal with yellow eyes and long fingers sneaking into her home, of parasites buried deep in the ice causing her to doubt her own partner, of the myriad ways that her fellow humans have sought to destroy one another time and time again.

She looks Mulder in the eye. “Yes. Aren’t you?”

He blinks, taken aback by her directness. “You know I am. Comes with the territory,” he knocks on the surface of the desk and then clears his throat. “Hey, some of my friends are having a little party at their place tonight. Nothing crazy, just some drinks and music, costumes optional. It’s not too late, let’s go.”

Scully’s ears perk up in interest. Somehow it’s difficult to imagine Mulder, near-constant resident of the basement office of the Hoover Building and self-proclaimed workaholic, having something as normal as friends. As interesting as the invitation is, she hesitates.

“Are you sure it would be alright if I showed up uninvited?” she asks.

“Yeah, they’re pretty laid back. Although be warned, I’m genuinely not sure of the last time any of them has talked to a woman. They’re a little geeky.”

Scully rolls her eyes. “I think I’ll be okay.”

“So you’ll come with me?”

She nods. “But first we need to stop at the closest Halloween store.”

“Costumes are optional, Scully.”

“I know,” she grins wolfishly. “But I look really good in this suit, and you’re going to make a great Hannibal Lecter to my Clarice Starling.”

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sagan-starstuff · 1 day

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The Penultimate Partner Episode: Analyzing the Second-to-Last Episodes of Seasons 3-7

So I was thinking about the show’s tendency to do an episode that is explicitly about the Partnership—about the deep abiding bonds between Mulder and Scully—right before the season finale.

This doesn’t seem to happen in season 1 and 2 (the penultimate episodes are Roland and Our Town, respectively, which don’t seem to play the same role). And something different is happening in season 8 and 9, so I don't think they fit as well.

But during the show’s peak popularity, seasons 3-7, the second-to-last episode seems to be setting up baseline emotional stakes for whatever plotline is about to hit. These episodes are giving us the state of the partnership, reminding us how devoted they are to one another. They also tend to have to do with one or both partners having a distorted perception on reality that requires the other partner's intervention in some way. I’m calling them the Penultimate Partner episodes.

So can we look at the themes of each of these Partnership episodes and see development over time? I think yes. It’s gonna be long. I rewatched them all, so buckle up.

Season 3: Wetwired - partnership as trust Season 4: Demons - partnership as loyalty Season 5: Folie a Deux - partnership as shared madness Season 6: Field Trip - partnership as touchstones Season 7: Je Souhaite - partnership as happiness

Season 3: Wetwired (right before Talitha Cumi)

This episode, like several in the Penultimate Partner episode category, involves a X-file that distorts perception. Because Scully can’t trust her own senses due to the mind control, she also can’t trust Mulder, calling into question the key tenet of their partnership. (And by season three, they have definitely established trust as the bedrock.)

Her gradual mistrust of Mulder in this episode is tense and painful; you can see on her face how much she argues with herself about it even as her mind is tricking her. Others who fall victim to this mind control phenomenon wind up murdering their romantic partner, but in the end of the episode, when they’re discussing what happened in the hospital, they both seem pretty unsurprised that Scully’s paranoia focused on Mulder. They both know, late season three, how crucial trust is between them. They understand that it’s Scully’s worst fear that Mulder would betray her. It’s not even news to them.

What Mulder’s worst fear might be is also hinted at, although it’s unsaid. He’s furious that her life is put at risk by the mysterious informant. When Mulder believes Scully may be dead and he’s going to identify her body, his reaction is chilling. He seems to completely shut down emotionally, not even showing any reaction to the Gunmen. Tellingly, when he is offered a choice between getting answers and going to ID Scully’s body, he doesn’t hesitate—he chooses Scully. (Sometimes people claim Mulder doesn’t show this kind of commitment to her until much later, even until Home Again in season 10, so it’s interesting to see it so unequivocal here.)

I want to say that Scully’s anxiety about trusting Mulder in this episode is foreshadowing aspects of the cancer arc in the next season, but I don’t think that’s really what’s happening. This episode seems more like an entirely season 3 cap to the Anasazi / Blessing Way / Paperclip storyline, especially the murder of Melissa. Scully’s paranoia calls back Mulder’s in Anasazi, and Scully explicitly blames Mulder for her sister’s murder when she’s drawn a gun on him. Even just the fact that we're there with Maggie, who has a picture of Melissa displayed prominently, tells me that loss is supposed to be on both partners' minds. (Actually, the interaction between Mulder, Scully and Maggie is pretty amazing in this scene; they’re an emotionally complex trio who seem to be communicating on some other level. I love how when Mulder and Maggie are talking to freaked-out Scully they almost sound strangely unreal, almost like they really are speaking falsely. It allows us to imagine the scene as it looks from Scully’s point-of-view, as a massive betrayal.)

Wetwired is, technically, a mytharc episode, as this whole mind control thing seems to tie back into X and the Syndicate. Personally I think the episode’s ending, emphasizing the mytharc-related plot and X’s involvement and whatever tf was happening there, was a little misguided. For my tastes they would have done better to play up the more personal, character-based themes a little more. But I also think this episode was the first real Penultimate Partner episode, and it was setting some patterns that were going to be expanded on.

Season 4: Demons (before Gethsemane)

From the cold open, we can already tell this is already a more personal episode than Wetwired. Mulder is the one having perception problems now; he wakes from a disturbing dream, covered in blood, muddled memory. This is also technically a mytharc episode, but much more concerned with direct impact on character than Wetwired was.

Scully instantly rushes to Mulder’s aid—walks right into his shower, for heaven’s sake—and absolutely never wavers in loyalty to him, even when he looks real, real guilty and a "rational" person would be suspicious. She is in fierce, must-protect-Mulder mode throughout this entire episode, from the moment she shows up palpating his head with her hands to her back-off behavior with the cops to her badass cold “I know what you do” comment to Dr. Goldstein. She also helps Mulder see through his distorted perception, telling him "this is not the way to the truth" as he holds a gun on her.

In this Penultimate Partner episode, we see something more than simple trust going on, although there’s trust, too. Maybe the word is loyalty or devotion. We see Mulder coming apart and Scully completely and utterly devoted to him. It’s actually very clear foreshadowing for the following week’s episode, Gethsemane. Mulder isn’t stable, and he needs Scully to keep him from “los[ing] his course,” as she says in Demons’ end narration. Gethsemane will follow up on the Mulder losing-his-course idea, and also will explore the idea that Scully’s bottomless support of Mulder isn’t always good for her. (This idea is voiced especially by Bill.)

There are some ways in which this episode is a neat little bookend to Wetwired. In Wetwired, Scully flees to her mother’s house, desperate and paranoid; in Demons, Mulder, similarly unhinged, seeks out his mother at her house. In Wetwired, Scully sees things that aren’t there, and in Demons, it’s definitely implied that Mulder may be seeing things in his past that weren’t actually there. In Wetwired, Scully pulls a gun on Mulder, and in Demons, Mulder pulls one on Scully.

I adore this episode, even though it’s definitely vulnerable to the critique that Mulder acts like a self-obsessed loon and Scully a hopeless enabler lol. Especially because it comes before the Gethsemane / Redux three parter, I wish the episode would have explicitly connected his behavior to the cancer arc, as I feel like that would have made his wild choices seem more understandable. If he felt like he needed to find answers faster because he knew Scully’s time was running out and he saw it all tied together with her fate, then we would get why he was acting so rashly. It would also tie more nicely into Gethsemane, which misleads the audience into thinking Mulder has killed himself, in part, because he believes she’s been given cancer to make him believe. But again, I love this episode. Scully showing up and putting that blanket around Mulder when he’s shaking. Her hugging him at the end when he’s desolate on the floor. This shows a partnership that’s been through Paper Hearts and Memento Mori—that’s moved beyond trust alone.

Season 5: Folie a Deux (before The End)

This is another episode about perception—about one partner seeing things the other can’t. Unlike in Wetwired or Demons, however, in this episode the altered perception actually represents the real truth, something everyone else fails to understand. The episode plays around with the tropes of earlier episodes like Wetwired, at first encouraging us to think that it's a delusion that Pincus is a monster, but then convincing us, through Mulder’s eyes, that the delusion is actually reality.

As other people have observed, this episode ends up being a nice little metaphor for the whole show: Mulder knowing what no one else does, being ostracized and considered insane, asking Scully to find evidence to corroborate him and ultimately convincing her to believe him and see what he sees. Their partnership is, quite precisely, a madness shared by two.

It’s a monster of the week, not a mytharc, so there’s no distraction of elaborate mytharc plot, just characters and monster. And this is a Vince Gilligan operation, so our focus is definitely on character. From the first scene with Mulder and Scully, we sense that we’re going to be talking about the partnership. Skinner gives them an assignment in Chicago that Mulder doesn’t think is worth it, and he complains in a particularly self-centered way to Scully, which she observes (“You’re saying I a lot.”) The episode is going to be very explicit that while Mulder might be monster boy, they are in this unhinged partnership situation together. Another important moment comes later, when Scully is calling the perp crazy for thinking he saw a monster, and Mulder says, “Well, I saw it, too.” Scully’s careful about-face after that, her delicate avoidance of implying she thinks Mulder is actually crazy, is part of the dance they’re doing at this late season five stage of their partnership. She doesn’t quite believe him, but she doesn’t knee-jerk not believe him either.

And the foreshadowing of what’s to come in this one, whoo boy. Most obviously, we must acknowledge that 1013 knew exactly what they were doing when Mulder tells Scully “you’re my one in five billion.” A mere seven days from now, a mysterious beautiful ex who believes his theories is going to show up to immediately cast doubt on that claim. And this episode is also toying with the question of whether Scully actually does always back Mulder up when it’s important, when she has to accept she saw something illogical. At the end, does she tell Skinner she actually saw a giant bug in Mulder’s hospital room? We don’t know, but I think it’s implied she doesn’t. That’s all presaging what will happen in The Beginning coming off of Fight the Future. It’s Scully’s little way of resisting the madness, but it also hurts Mulder and damages the partnership, which will be a problem in season six.

Season 6: Field Trip (before Biogenesis)

Full disclosure: this is my favorite episode. So I’m going to make some big claims about it. This is the ultimate Penultimate Partner episode—the one that best knits together what it wants to say about their partnership and what it wants to establish for the finale. It's a monster-of-the-week episode (another Vince Gilligan ep, with John Shiban) but refers to the mytharc often. It’s also one of the best episodes about their partnership, period.

This is yet another episode about distorted perception. This time, however, under the influence of a giant mushroom, both partners are unable to perceive clearly, to determine what is real and what is a lie. And when they’re confused, they critically turn to one another to help them see what the truth is.

Coming off of season six, the partnership is rocky. Mulder is frustrated that after so many theories of his have borne out, he still can’t get the benefit of the doubt from Scully, something he explicitly says in the dialogue here. Scully has felt like she’s not been trusted or heard, like Mulder has turned to others (Diana Fowley, for example) rather than his partner.

This is an episode about how they absolutely need one another to be able to make sense of the world—that individually each of their points-of-view are not enough. In Mulder’s hallucination, Scully accepts his claims about alien life forms too completely, not applying enough skepticism, not pushing back against him. In Scully’s hallucination, a world without Mulder, everyone is unacceptably unquestioning of the status quo, refusing to dig deeper, lacking Mulder’s critical acumen and drive. Neither partner likes the feeling of being unopposed, and it makes both of them suspicious about the hallucination’s reality. They may think they want their own view to prevail, but they need one another to be a whole person.

The theme of what’s real and what’s not – and needing one another to discern the truth–is exactly what is picked up and developed further in the Biogenesis-Sixth Extinction-Amor Fati arc that follows this. Scully’s skepticism has to stretch to incorporate more of Mulder’s worldview to make sense of what she sees in the Ivory Coast, and of course, Mulder calls on Scully’s worldview to see through his misleading dream world in Amor Fati. In fact, you could argue Field Trip is really about the idea that Mulder and Scully are one another’s touchstones—the people they need to know what’s right and real.

Incidentally, this episode also plays around with some of season 6’s other subtextual throughlines: Mulder and Scully’s anxieties about possibly entering a non-platonic relationship, their unease about what a normal, domestic life might even be for them. For the entire episode they’re directly compared and juxtaposed with the Schiffs, a young married couple who died on Brown Mountain. The Schiffs are a tall man and a redheaded woman. They even die hallucinating lying together on a hotel bed after she asked him to “hold her” (although I do seriously doubt 1013 was intentionally foreshadowing a full year ahead). The last shot is of Mulder reaching out to take Scully’s hand across the ambulance, suggesting a kind of partnership beyond just, you know, partnership. Which takes us to the next season.

Season 7: Je Souhaite (before Requiem)

Truthfully, I don’t think this episode fits quite as well in the Penultimate Partner category. It doesn’t share some of the same traits as these other episodes—it’s not quite as notably about perception, for instance—and it’s not fundamentally about the partnership in the same way. But it does end up commenting on their partnership (even their relationship, really) as part of its theme, so I think we can include it—especially because its position right before Requiem ends up being important.

Je Souhaite (btw, written and directed by Vince Gilligan) has a bit of an unsettled feeling to it because it was kind of treading water, waiting to see what happened with DD and the series. Nothing too monumental could happen with the partnership or the plot because it wasn’t clear to anyone what would happen next with the show: whether it would end or continue, whether DD would be involved or not.

So we have a story about Mulder and Scully making peace with not having a significant impact on the world—e.g. not bringing about world peace, not introducing invisible bodies to science. Instead, they are content to delightfully share a beer and comment that they have made one another “pretty happy” (as Scully says about Mulder). Through the jinni character, they seem to take the lesson that they can enjoy being with one another, accept the simple happiness that their relationship brings them. Rather than wish for success that comes too easily, they take joy in the little things with one another.

Comparing this episode to the Penultimate Partner episodes that come before, we can really see how Mulder and Scully’s dynamic has evolved by season seven. We have a Scully who is much more open to supernatural phenomena, for example, and whose skepticism seems more like a reflex or a defense mechanism now. Scully’s move towards belief is partially reflected in the plot of the episode: the X-file here really isn’t even science fiction. It is just straight up fantasy or magical realism. Aside from Scully's brief mention of a disease to explain what happened to the mouthless man in the cold open, no plausible scientific explanation for the jinni's long life or wishes is really even floated.

Scully is delighted by the discovery of the invisible body, and Mulder is visibly delighted by her delight. He’s also frustrated by her retreat into doubt when the body disappears, of course. But even the reversal into her old skepticism is half-hearted, as she soon after she's engaging in discussion with Mulder about what his final wish was. This is consistent with the overall blurring of the old hardline believer-skeptic dynamic we see in season 7. It’s also peeking ahead to Scully’s coming role as resident basement believer in season 8.

The last scene, with the beers and Caddyshack, is meant to be a callback to djinni Jenn’s comment that she wishes she could “live my life moment by moment... enjoying it for what it is instead of... instead of worrying about what it isn't.” Mulder, we see, is taking a cue from her. (And good for him, as we almost never see these characters do this. Except on rare baseball-related occasions.)

However, this episode’s position right before Requiem—and right before the events of season 8—ends up giving this scene a real bittersweet bite. We know, after Requiem, that they were probably a romantic couple at this time. We know, after Requiem, that this time is going to be their last happy time together for a long while. Later in season 8, we learn that one lingering wish of Scully’s in season 7 is that she wanted to conceive a child with Mulder. And of course we know, after Requiem, that she gets her wish—but with a vicious catch, with a terrible side effect, much like what happens with the jinni’s wishes.

So that’s my academic thesis on that. I know others have pointed out the existence of this type of episode before. What did I miss? Do you think I am wrong to leave out seasons 1, 2, 8, and 9? Why do we think these episodes focus so much on distorted perception? Interested to hear others’ thoughts (if they make it through this lol).

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sagan-starstuff · 1 day

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of our own making

(an X-Files fanfic)

Oh hey, look, it's that massive story I've been working on since January! I'm so thankful to everyone who has shown interest in the concept of this fic and the little snippets I've posted. You've been more help than you know. Without that support, I don't think this would have ever gotten finished.

A special thanks to @numinousmysteries who kindly beta read for me and did a fantastic job. I wanted to make sure I got this right, and she was a great help!

And now I can't wait to share this with you all! New chapters posted daily!

[Read on AO3]

Chapter 1 /33 - ink and paper

How long has he been thinking about this, she wonders. What exactly is he thinking? Her mind races, trying to reconcile this Mulder whose deepest desires are spilled out here in ink on worn and crinkled brochures with the one she’s spent nearly every day with these past several months.

She'd never have guessed...

Find out if adoption is right for you! Visit us at 8080 Meadowlark Ln. Annapolis, MD “A Home for Every Child!”

Scully stares down at the brochure on the desk. One of many, which are half buried underneath a pile of paperwork from their current case. Certain words and phrases are circled in pen, underlined, annotated in the margins in the familiar scrawl she knows almost better than her own.

stability – less travel? change in division? discuss with Scully

loving home – ask Frohike for real estate agent #

The word “family” is circled three times.

She swallows with some difficulty, finding—to her dismay—that her hands are shaking. Mulder will be arriving any second, and here she is, frozen like a statue.

She’d never have guessed…

“Morning, partner,” his voice calls out, and she jolts in surprise. She hears the door snick shut behind him, but she can’t bring herself to turn around. With deft fingers, she pushes the brochure back under the stack of papers where she found it, only the colorful corner of the page visible.

“Morning, Mulder,” she tries, clearing her throat. It comes out strained, but she hopes he doesn’t notice. She hides her trembling hands in her lap under the desk.

He looks down at her, half amused, half concerned. “You okay? You're not getting that stomach bug that's been going around, are you?”

“I'm fine,” she answers defensively, warning him to back off. She grabs a file off the desk in front of her with a little more force than necessary, plopping it open.

‘Okayyy,’ he mouths exaggeratedly, eyebrows raised. He sits down at his desk and leafs through some papers sitting on top, arranging them into neater stacks. When he uncovers the brochures, his eyes widen and he clears his throat, hurriedly covering them with other papers and trying to act natural.

Scully thinks about letting it go and pretending she doesn’t know what he’s hiding, but she knows she won’t be able to sleep until she finds out what’s been going on in that ridiculous head of his.

She idly flips to the next page of the file in her hand, displaying a confidence she doesn’t feel in the firm set of her shoulders

“Doing some light reading, Mulder?” she asks, attempting to look disinterested.

His head shoots up, a look of alarm on his face. For a second he thinks she might be talking about something else, that she couldn’t possibly know, but one look at her throws that theory right out the window. He glances back and forth between her and the papers on the desk a few times before dropping his shoulders in defeat.

“I’m sorry, Scully, you weren’t supposed to see those,” he says, shuffling all the brochures into a pile while carefully avoiding eye contact. “I was working here late last night. I must have forgotten to put them away.” As he speaks, he opens the top drawer of his desk and shoves them inside, then takes a seat at his desk. His nose is buried in a file before she can even respond.

She watches him now. He is a curiosity, determinedly feigning concentration on a case she knows he finds disinteresting and a waste of time.

Typical.

“You're really not going to say anything?” she asks, arms crossed in front of her.

That rankles him. “What do you want me to say?” he asks, indignation boiling below the surface.

She looks at him incredulously, the file in front of her all but forgotten.

“You're thinking of adoption? When were you planning to share this with me?”

He sighs and shakes his head, pleading silently with her. “It's too soon, Scully. I didn't think you'd want to hear it yet.”

“But you're looking into it because…”

“It's just been on my mind, that's all.”

She stares at him, brows furrowed.

“Since when?”

Since when… Images flash of a life he didn’t recognize. His sister, alive and grown up. A quiet suburban neighborhood. Cancer Man living just down the street. A wife and kids, but not the right ones. It was wrong, all of it was wrong.

“A hallucinatory trip into an alternate universe tends to make you think,” he answers simply.

He’s looking at her now, deadly serious despite the joking tone. She doesn’t respond. Can’t respond.

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to bring all this up,” he continues. “I know it's a sore spot for you.”

It takes her a moment to conjure words from her mouth, her lips moving but no sound coming out. “I just wasn't expecting…”

“For all I know, this isn't even something you'd want.”

What does she say to that? Is she interested?

“I– I'm not sure. I've never really considered it before.”

He waits, his eyes assessing her for some hidden meaning, some insight into her state of mind. He gets nothing. She’s totally blank.

“Well… what do you want?” He thought the question was innocuous enough, safer territory than straight up asking her if she wants to adopt, but apparently not.

She shuts her folder, abruptly standing and slinging her purse over her shoulder. “I'm going back to the crime scene,” she declares, changing the subject. “I want to see if there's anything we missed.”

“Scully…” he tries.

“Not now, Mulder.” Without even taking the time to put her coat on, she flees, leaving the door partially open in her rush to get away. Cursing under his breath, Mulder grabs his coat from its hook and hurries after her.

The elevator doors are almost all the way closed by the time he catches up, but in this case, he figures it’s worth the potential loss of a limb. He throws his hand between the closing gap in the metal doors, and it bounces back open to allow him entrance, to the extreme displeasure of one Dana Scully. He wisely stays silent in the elevator, stealing glances at her every few seconds out of the corner of his eye as they ascend. He can feel the frigid air coming off her in waves. It’s been a while since he’s seen her this annoyed with him, this eager to get away.

He won’t let her. Not this time. He’s learned from his mistakes.

In the parking garage, she's walking briskly, heels clicking on the concrete, and he has to pick up the pace to keep up with surprisingly agile little legs.

He didn’t want this confrontation. There was a reason he was keeping his research a secret. This is exactly what he was hoping to avoid, at least until the time was right to carefully drop some hints here and there. But now? There’s no carefully about it. No option to wait and let this blow over. There’s only one way out of this at this point, and unfortunately, that way is through.

He picks up the pace.

“You're the one who brought this up, Scully, I was perfectly happy throwing those brochures in my drawer and not saying a word.”

His voice echoes in the concrete parking structure, sounding harsh even to his own ears. As frustrated as he is with her, that isn’t his intent. He only wants to know what he can do to help her, how he can help her fulfill her dreams. He lets out a breath, and with it, releases his selfish frustration. She’s still walking away at a breakneck pace, and he doesn’t know how he can get her to stop and face this.

“If you want to talk about it, let's talk about it,” he says, pleading. “I can't help you if I don't know what you want. You want me to shut up, never mention the subject again?” he shouts, throwing his hands in the air, “Fine, just tell me. What do you want, Scully?”

“I just want to be a mom, okay?” she yells, whirling around to face him. Her words instantly silence him, and he watches stone-faced as tears spring in her eyes. “I see all these other moms out there and think… I could do that too. Why can’t I do that too?”

Well, mission accomplished. The truth is finally out there. Part of him feels bad for pushing her, but the other part knows that it was doing her no good to keep her feelings bottled up inside to deal with by herself. He reaches out a hand, intending to comfort her, his eyes softening in sympathy.

“You could. Scully, you’d be the best mom.”

She flinches away, stepping out of his reach. “You don’t know that, Mulder. I can’t even—even my body is even telling me no. Over and over.” She resumes her brisk walk to her car, and he thinks he sees her brush angrily at her face, no doubt wiping away the evidence of the stubborn tears that have managed to escape.

He rushes to get in front of her, walking backwards so he can keep her in his sight.

“When has that ever stopped you?” he asks. “You had cancer, and you kept fighting. You’re alive today because you refused to give up when your body quit on you. What about that?” He stops abruptly, forcing her to come to a halt before she crashes into him.

There’s no way out of this, is there? Her shoulders slump in defeat.

“You saved me, Mulder,” she admits quietly, shaking her head. “You’re the one who didn’t give up. Not me. It was only because you were with me that I survived.”

This time, when she goes to walk away, he stops her, placing a hand on her shoulder. The simple touch causes her to freeze, hardly breathing, and when he steps closer, she stays. His hands slide down her shoulders, holding her securely in place to ensure that his next words come through loud and clear.

“I’m gonna be with you here on this too, I promise.” His thumbs brush back and forth on the fabric of her sleeves, for his comfort or hers, she’s not sure. “You can still be a mother, Scully. I’ll help you.”

She shakes her head, her heart feeling like it has been ripped to shreds. “I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” He gives her a little shake for emphasis. She still won’t look at him. “You’ve kept me alive all these years, how much harder could a baby be?”

That gets a breathy chuckle from her, and her head falls to her chest. Groaning with the agony of this burden on her heart, she stops fighting it and leans into him. Without hesitation, he wraps an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his embrace.

Her hand comes up to find purchase on his suit jacket, relishing in the comfort only he can provide. She’s past caring if anyone sees them like this here. Let them talk. They already do, anyway.

“Well, at least when you wake me up in the middle of the night, you’re not crying,” she speaks into his chest.

She feels him shrug, and can almost see the goofy smile she knows she put on his lips.

“Usually.”

She looks up at him with her chin on his sternum before taking a deep breath and pulling away.

“It's raining,” he says softly, glancing down at her and brushing a strand of hair out of her face. “We can go back to the crime scene later.” She nods, unsure what else to say. She allows herself to be led, his ever-present hand brushing against her back as they start toward the basement.

“Adoption,” Scully mutters to herself, shaking her head in disbelief. “I don’t know, Mulder. This—this is different than IVF. With that, all I was asking for was your…” her eyes dart around, looking anywhere but at him, “genetic material. This is something entirely different.”

He’s pleased she’s at least considering it, but she doesn’t get it at all, if that’s what she thinks.

“How? ‘Cause from where I’m standing, the process of getting a baby is a little different, but in the long run, the result is the same.”

She pauses, looking at him in confusion. “What– what are you saying?”

He runs a hand awkwardly through his hair, suddenly taking a unique interest in his shoes and the floor of the parking structure.

“Yeah, we probably should have talked about this before…”

“Talked about what?”

He sighs and guides her into a stairwell. It’s stuffy and poorly-lit with a flickering lightbulb, but here, there’s less of a chance they’ll be overheard.

“Look, Scully, I don’t know what you had in mind for my involvement beyond contributing to half the baby’s DNA when you first asked me to help you get pregnant,” he starts, fighting hard to meet her eyes instead of shying away. “But, I– I had hoped it would be a little more than ‘Say hi to Uncle Mulder,’ every couple of months.”

She blinks back at him, speechless.

“I’m sorry if that’s overstepping, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable with all this, I just—” He takes in a breath. “I guess I got to thinking of what it might be like to have a family again.” His bout of honesty is met with a blank stare, and his nervous smile drops. “I completely misread the situation, didn’t I?” he asks, self-loathing waiting on standby. “Got ahead of myself…”

She stops him by catching his coat sleeve. “No—uh. No, you didn’t.” She collects herself, willing herself to offer him some reassurance. Her fingers release the fabric of his coat, shifting her grasp instead to his hand. “I didn’t realize you felt that way.”

He glances down at where she holds tightly to him, and his lips curl into some semblance of a smile.

“I guess they might have had a point with all those communication seminars we’ve skipped, huh?”

She chuckles softly.

“I don’t think this is exactly what they had in mind…”

With a gentle tug, Mulder leads her down the stairs, committed to holding her hand as long as she’ll let him. The air is stagnant and silent, only the rhythmic echo of their shoes clicking on the concrete steps as they make their way to the bottom floor.

She’s thinking. What she knows now, it changes everything.

She had asked him to leave. Hid her grief from him as much as possible after her initial lapse into weakness when she came home with the news. She had almost kissed him, then, unsure of what else she had to live for. She knew she was hurting him by folding inward on herself in the weeks that followed, but that didn’t stop her from doing it. She was in a dark place, hardly able to see what was right in front of her. What she couldn’t see was that his hurt wasn’t just for her, born of some misguided sense of guilt or pity. It was his own, too.

“Mulder, all those months, after it failed—” There’s something like fear in her voice as she utters these words, or maybe regret.

“I was just worried about you.”

She squeezes his hand, feeling tears well in her eyes once more. “No, you were grieving like I was, and I didn’t notice. I pushed you away…”

“Dana…” He turns, a couple steps ahead of her, so for once it’s him who has to look up to meet her eyes. Her lip wobbles as she looks down at him, and he brushes his thumb tenderly over her knuckles. “You had to deal with it on your own, I understood that. I don’t blame you for anything.”

Those eyes. So open and honest and sad. She wonders how anyone could hurt him, could bear to break this man’s heart. How could she?

Choking back a sob, she falls into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding tight. His arms encircle her back, supporting her weight, and she feels herself being lifted as he goes up a step, closing the distance between them.

His hand climbs up to the back of her head, stroking her hair soothingly.

“I just wanted to be there for you,” he mumbles into her neck.

“You were, Mulder,” she gasps between bouts of tears, finding comfort in the feel of his soft hair between her fingers. “You’ve always been there.”

He pulls back, lifting his hands to cup her face and wiping away the tears he finds there with the pads of his thumbs.

“You don’t have to give an answer now,” he says, reassuring, “This is… a big commitment, I know, and I don’t want you to say yes just because I suggested it. I just wanted you to know it’s an option, and if you want to have a baby, I’m in. However you want to go about it, I’ll be as involved as you want. Just– let me know, anytime. Okay?”

He’s looking at her now, head ducked so those sad, puppy-dog eyes can get his message across.

She nods, holding tight to the wrists that so tenderly cup her face.

“Okay.”

~~~

Lovely tag list ♡: [if you would like to be added or removed, let me know!]

@today-in-fic @ao3feed-msr @agent-troi @angegova @baronessblixen @bby-got-books @caliman @captainsolocide @cutemothman @danasculls @deathsbestgirl @edierone @enigmaticxbee @figureofdismay @frogsmulder @hippocampouts @invidiosa @monaiargancoconutsoy @mulderscully @oofubad @p34chi @primrose19 @randomfoggytiger @skelavender @skylarksong @slippinmickeys @stephy-gold @teenie-xf @the-redhead-in-a-dress @vincentsleftear @whovianderson

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sagan-starstuff · 1 day

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Happy Birthday to one of my favorite writers!! I hope it was a good one. If you’re still doing drabbles my one word prompt to you is “funfetti” because that is synonymous with birthday imo 🥳

Thank you so much!

Between them, William sleeps fitfully, his scrawny colt-like leg poking out of the covers and twitching into Scully’s ankle. He is almost as tall as she is. Mulder had moved a nightlight into the bedroom when the boy had come in at 2 am, complaining of a sore throat. In the weak light, Scully can see a sheen of fever-sweat over his brow. It’s almost time for Ibuprofen.

He’d shown no tell-tale signs of impending illness earlier in the day, was full of the boundless energy of 9, and had spent the morning holed up with Mulder in the garage tinkering with the old lawnmower. He’d asked for a triple-decker PB&J for lunch and then begged Scully to help him make funfetti cupcakes even though he still had grease under his fingernails. He’d somehow convinced Mulder to let him eat four. If anything she’d have guessed an upset stomach, but here they are with what is likely strep.

From William’s other side Mulder sighs in his sleep, shifting on the narrow bit of mattress not taken over by his son. A moment later, Scully hears the same gentle sigh from William. Then it’s a sniff, then a cough, and then a feeble “Mom?”

“Shh, it’s okay.” She reaches out to feel his forehead, then the soft, taut skin of his back. The fever is still there, but low grade. “It’s time for Ibuprofen,” she says softly, unable to keep herself from sliding her hand up his back to finger the ducktail of hair at the base of his skull.

“Okay,” the boy says. He’s old enough to take pills but still prefers the cherry stuff.

“I’ll get it,” Mulder rumbles, and slides out of bed, coming back a minute later holding the little cup. He clicks on his bedside light then throws a tee shirt over the top of it when Will squints uncomfortably at the brightness.

In the hazy, muted light, the boy sits up and throws back the medicine.

“I have Little League tomorrow.”

Scully glances at the clock. 5:45. He has Little League today.

“I’ll call your coach,” she says, already cataloging the other things she needs to do: schedule an appointment with the pediatrician, call the school, see if Barr can take her 9:00 am autopsy.

“But we’re playing the Blue Jays,” the boy whines. ��They need my bat.” His last word is cut off by a short burst of coughing.

“It’s still spring ball, bud,” Mulder says gently. “You guys aren’t going to miss the playoffs if you miss one game.”

“They'll lose without me,” he says sullenly.

The boy is probably right, but arguing the statistical probability of a win or loss of the Farr’s Corner U-10 Tigers without William Mulder’s bat is not something she’s willing to get into before 6:00 am.

“You need to try to get some more sleep,” she says.

The boy settles back into the pillows unhappily.

Mulder turns off the light and pulls on the tee shirt that was covering it and Scully thinks about the bulb-warmed fabric sliding over his skin.

He comes around to her side of the bed and squeezes her elbow with a smile and then shuffles down the dusty hallway toward the kitchen.

Beside her, William turns over and sighs into her arm, his body going gradually limp with sleep. The clock beside her flicks another minute higher, then another.

She smells the warm tang of coffee and the boy beside her shifts and the sky turns the barest pink and the Earth spins, spins, spins.

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sagan-starstuff · 2 days

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I’ve never jived with the idea that Fox Mulder is a sex machine or, forgive the pun, a fox. I think he wants to be when he’s a young man. He studies how to be that person, approximates most of the right moves, and then the thrill is gone. He ditches more lunch dates and regular dates than he actually attends, and that plus the spooky appellation through the FBI means that through the grapevine he acquires a reputation as hard to get at best, a cad at worst. If you think about it, did he ever really see a healthy romantic relationship growing up? Sure, his parents loved one another once upon a time but there were secrets upon secrets between them both, and after Samantha was taken everything crumbled. Fox Mulder is not a stud. Fox Mulder is a mess.

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sagan-starstuff · 2 days

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Just saw a post about 3 and it has been a looooong time since I watched it but I would love to know what the deal was with that. Thoughts?

oh i LOVE 3. it's a hard episode for me to watch for a lot of reasons. mulder's depression is more palpable than ever, his guilt complex & self punishing ways.

i actually made a thread on twitter of what i think are the important scenes, because i just think...people very wrongly hate this episode. the whole point is how mulder is not okay without scully, that she was endangered because of their work and he can't accept that. like this explains perfectly what he does in one breath: he screams like a madman at scully's doctor & the hospital staff, he plots revenge, he tries to quit, and ultimately, he listens to melissa & sits by her bedside urging her to wake up.

mulder barely speaks in this episode. he talks to local law enforcement, he talks to the suspect, and he talks to kristen. but there's so much of him just alone.

as kae said to me: there's no one to explain anything to

"i only need one thing" and "i don't sleep anymore"

and the reason kristen matters, beyond the fact that she's in danger & she's a victim of abuse, is she understand a him & he understands her. they are kindred spirits in a certain way.

kristen can't look in mirrors, and he can't sleep. they both feel this guilt & intense self hatred. they share loss & pain. and they may be different but those differences don't matter when they're feeling as low & lost as they are.

mulder was meant to save kristen, but she saves him. it's heartbreaking because this woman deserved a chance too. she deserved to live and have better. but she chose to stop her abusive, vampire ex the only way she knew how and save mulder. she thought he was worth saving.

in the end, he's facing his failure. holding scully's cross that he's wearing around his neck. something he has never understood about her, the only piece of her he has.

one of my favorite things about this episode is that his grief over scully is very different than his grief over samantha, as in it is not brotherly. it's painfully romantic to me. people get caught up in the fact that he sleeps with kristen while wearing scully's cross, but the whole point is he's repenting. to me, this look likes self harm. it's something he understands as punishing, but is also clinging to the only human connection he's found. the only true understanding he's felt in scully's absence. kristen is the one person who has truly seen his pain, understood scully's importance. it isn't "just" a lost love, this is something brand new to him. he's lost his friend, the only person who has stood by him & faced his grief with him, the only person who trusts him with her whole soul, the only one who hasn't hurt him (purposely, purposefully). again, something kristen understands despite seeming not to have experienced this herself. mulder shares this vulnerability with her without really sharing anything. he doesn't know how to. so yes, they do something so very human and sleep together. and immediately afterward, everything goes up in flames.

#EXACTLY #says so much about Mulder and his self-destuctive streak #3 #fox mulder #mulder and scully #the x files #txf meta

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sagan-starstuff · 2 days

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i feel like people are too hard on Mulder for not cutting diana off/telling Diana off For Scully's Sake in s6. This is the woman he had a 4 or 5 year serious, compulsive but extremely unhealthy relationship with, who emotionally neglected him, manipulated him and consistently gaslit him. She was also physically and emotionally similar to his mother, who also neglected, emotionally manipulated him and gaslit him. He was seemingly aware enough to realize that it wasn't a personally positive experience for him overall, but he had to shoulder some of the blame and believe that her [Diana's and Teena's] intentions were good even if they ended up in a bad place, because otherwise his sense of self + self worth + his image of his reality would be dangerously undermined. He's afraid of falling into a pit he can't climb out of where foundational people in his life only used him for what they could get out of him because he's too broken and gullible to be worth anything else to anyone. He has to stay open and keep extended his hand to Diana and viewing her attention as a potential positive because then what they had was a relationship that went bad when he went off the rails too much, and not a trap she engineered (with or without the Syndicate's prodding).

Oh, she was catty and dismissive and nasty to Scully? She hurt her feelings on purpose? Yeah, that's bad and genuinely it hurt badly to see Scullys so sad and upset and angry. But the idea that Mulder needs to get mad and get even with Diana 'on Scully's behalf' above everything has always struck me as a little off base.

That's a person who isolated and manipulated him and tried to warp him into seeing her approval as the metric of his self worth, either because his vulnerability and ascendant genius appealed to her independently, or at the urging of Mulder's biological father if she was already involved with the Syndicate (and potentially even armed by CSM with a profile of Teena to mimic). (I headcanon that she wore a similar perfume to his mother, either by design or by coincidence.) And imo Diana stringing him along and making her care for him into a transaction in service of her comfort, adoration by him, and their career advancement, and then dropping him when he started to struggle visibly with his trauma and developed unappealing interests, that's actually worse than if the Syndicate sent her after him from the start.

So I guess I think that Mulder should be allowed to be angry with Diana on his own behalf, or be allowed to choose to let it go, or to investigate that experience of abuse or not for himself on his own timeline regardless of what would make a cathartic outburst.

Some people just aren't able to form or maintain hate for their abusers, either because they still have positive-conflicted feelings for that person or because of self defense mechanisms that they haven't yet and might never unpack. Mulder is shown to be one of those people from the very earliest days, i think.

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sagan-starstuff · 2 days

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quagmire part two

@waiting-for-the-day here be nonsense

she agrees with him and she's funny.

scully is crazy. she thinks there's some non-human creature out their eating people and she just takes her little dog for a walk. she's fine, she's got her gun.

and queequeg is even worse!! these two and their no fear. this tiny little pup who should be afraid of the world goes running into the woods for a second time and this time gets EATEN. poor scully lol

but now we're getting to the best scenes, my favorites.

like when scully comes back, no queequeg in tow, mulder is still fixated as she's sitting in shock.

this man says "i'm sorry about queequeg" then rambles on about the pictures as if scully didn't just watch her dog eaten lmao and she's trying to listen to him, they still have a case & a pile of dead bodies they don't want growing but she comprehended nothing.

"i kind of faded out"

"can you drive a boat?"

(he really hated queequeg lmao)

AND HERE WE GO. the boat.

okay i love this scene soooo much. the part on the boat is so underrated.

that little line about expectation & hope, seek and ye shall find. i think mikaela already said it best:

(read the whole post: https://www.tumblr.com/waiting-for-the-day/722583454298079232/in-quagmire-after-the-boat-crashes-when-theyre)

earlier, scully played along with him talking about other sea monsters. here she's showing off some sailing skills *and* telling him a nice little anecdote about "here be monsters" — right up his ally as he's pouring over the map trying to tell her where to go.

(literally these little moments of sharing her childhood & nerdery, being his (best) friend, giving him those moments he didn't get to have as a kid, using it to bond with him, to show how she listens & cares and she's just like him really)

the jokes they make are so nerdy and it's a core part of their relationship. they both just store information in their brains in the hope they'll be able to whip it out to impress the other, or make them laugh.

~too bad we're not fishing~ ~we are fishing~

~here be monsters~ ~i have a map of nyc just like that~

and one of my favorite things about scully: when she doesn't know something, mulder must have the answers! ~what is that? what is that mulder?~ ~here be monsters, scully~ (and he does know this time, he just doesn't know what kind of monster they're actually going to find)

making jokes when their boat is about to sink with them on it. i love them. so unserious.

scully yelling mayday and mulder stopping her like honey we have to get out of here now please put on your life jacket — NO FEAR which is extra funny because she's about to give a speech about ~respect nature because it has no respect for you~

(oh the quips. "there goes our $500 deposit" and ~i say we swim~ ~swim? ...in which direction?!~)

cotr really has so much. it becomes a little breaking point for scully. at the beginning she was annoyed with mulder and she didn't understand why he was even interested in the case, and then when she sees the big blue sign she's exasperated. it also isn't a typical case he goes for. so yes, he's interested in big blue, not entirely out of the realm of possibility. but she can't figure out why, because what does this really have to do with his sister? what everything usually goes back to for him. she's been mulling this over since the episode started.

and now!! they're stuck on a rock in the middle of the lake and they have no idea if anyone heard their call & is coming. and he's still all ~that's big blue!~

scully: mulder, sometimes i just can't figure them out.

like she really really wants to understand him. she's always trying to understand him. big blue has her stumped.

and then they're interrupted by the DUCK and the humor is back

she's like ~how dare you joke about cannabalism it's real to me~

and ugh my favorite thing. mulder was too focused earlier to give space for scully losing queequeg. but he gets another opening here,. he has no idea what to do (and he really hated that dog). however there's one thing he can do and it's let her talk.

he asks why the name queequeg and she talks about moby dick and her dad and starbuck and it's so sweet & relatable (i have one cat named newspaper because my dad was always reading the paper — we had piles of them & i still have one he kept when obama became president — and another cat named saturn because he had a saturn & he loved that car & ya know, because space lol) and it's another way they open up to each other & bond & they're just best friends. this is a best friends conversation for sure. (and maybe dipping into how deep their relationship goes)

and then !!! scully has a revelation.

[scully finishes the line with him and they are both trying to impress each other here idc what anyone says. scully has that book memorized and mulder probably read it once, maybe twice and has been *waiting* to share this little tidbit with her for years!!!]

anyway. this whole conversation has been simmering. scully has been confused & frustrated, but she believes in mulder & she cares about him & she's going to follow him until they find the truth he's seeking. she's there for the journey, with all its circle & endless lines & aberrations. they've been making jokes & quips, giving each other small moments of levity to ease the tension surrounding them. all of it so they can get to the crux of it and that's what's happening on this rock.

she compares him to ahab "everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology" and "scully are you coming onto me?" (the way she ignores his ~flirting 90% of the time kills me, she's ~so funny) and "trying to do so will only leave you dead along with everyone else you bring with you" and god he's so serious & unserious, he can't have this conversation (which i think is something he really fears after scully's abduction, before it was just him, only he could be hurt or killed. that's not how it is now) without humor, so he talks about wanting a peg leg. "i'm not being flippant" and "and that's not flippant?"

(and nobody believes he wouldn't be hobbling around on a peg leg still doing exactly what he's doing now. the delusion that he could be content just living.)

and then farraday comes to save (ruin) the day "hope i'm not interrupting anything" how much did this man hear 🤣

they tell him about the boat sinking and when he asks, scully claims "it was my fault" instead of trying to explain to this non-believer that it was possibly big blue. god i love her.

and then the sheriff finds them, tells them about search. mulder tells him they need to search striker's cove but he doesn't listen til scully in her very judicious way says "Sheriff, Agent Mulder and I would appreciate it if you could spare two or three of your men to assist us here." and he agrees. scully's face:

and then farraday is attacked and he didn't see it (surprise surprise) and mulder is the first person to see what's attacking people and he's so sad it's an alligator which he kills (like he's soooo cute. he wants it to be big blue so bad but if it was he would have had to kill it and then he would have cried!!!)

and another underrated scene:

scully can see he's disappointed. he didn't find the big white whale he wanted, but he solved the case and saved more people from dying/attacks. she thinks he should be proud of the work he did.

scully finally gets it now. mulder wants something tangible too. he wants to keep hoping, he wants to believe. and he found hope in big blue's existence and he just wanted to experience something being real, with evidence & proof. (go read mikaela's post!! she says it perfectly)

and scully will always do everything to keep his hope & belief alive, to protect it. because it's precious. it's one of the most beautiful & special things about him. and it's this wonderful, quiet moment between two best friends who don't always get each other but they always try. they always listen. they stay by each other's side. for better or worse. the new ahab & starbuck.

(the way mulder has a natural skepticism he fights with thome & the desire to believe. i think he's afraid not to. the way scully has an innate ability to believe but it frightens her and so she fights it with skepticism)

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sagan-starstuff · 2 days

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Home Again

She’d once told an obsessed writer that loneliness was a choice, but now she’s unconvinced. Was it truly a choice when the only alternative was being consumed?

Rating: PG-13 Word count: 1.2k

Notes: A 2016 X-Files revival fic.

Originally posted at ao3 07/31/2015

~*~

In the aftermath, she can’t pinpoint what led them to this moment.

Whether it was the way his fingers interlocked above their heads as his body moved over hers, or the way he said her name—low and husky, like the answer to a long-lost question. Maybe it was how he leaned down for a kiss but stopped halfway, transfixed, watching her, until their eyes met and held her in his grip.

Her release was unexpected, like drowning, and only when it was over and she’s resting in the crook of his arm does she realize what she’s done. She swallows hard, tasting something like love and regret in the back of her throat.

“Missed you,” he says, nose brushing her cheek. His arm around her waist, once a comfort, is now a lead weight, pulling her under.

“You missed the sex,” she murmurs, turning away, gathering the sheet around her.

“I did. As did you, if that,” he says, patting her now-empty spot on the mattress, “was any indication.”

She’s perched on the edge of the bed, eyes closed, caught between moments. Magnetism draws her backward, conscience pulls her taut. She thinks of her apartment, still in boxes, the kitchen table with the single wilting ficus her mother bought as a housewarming gift, the spare bunk in the physicians’ lounge that her colleagues silently reserve for her by unspoken rule.

She’d once told an obsessed writer that loneliness was a choice, but now she’s unconvinced. Was it truly a choice when the only alternative was being consumed?

When she opens her eyes, she’s still sitting on their old bed, in their old house—exactly the same as she’d left it six months ago, now with a thick layer of dust on top.

“Maybe so,” she sighs, leaning down to grasp her stockings, the fine mesh a whisper against her fingertips. “It’s easy to fall back into codependent patterns.”

“Codependency implies both of us,” he says, and she can hear the bitter smile in his voice. “And you’ve never been good at dependencies.”

She draws herself up, begins gathering the rest of her clothes, still holding the sheet to her chest, as if the thin cotton fabric could protect her heart, as if it weren’t past the point of salvation.

“How’s Tad?”

The button on her shirt won’t go into its clasp—it’s slippery, she reasons. Her fingers are cold; the house was always drafty. She swears under her breath, tries again. “He’s around.”

“Making sure Daddy’s money gets put to good use?”

She shoots him a look out of the corner of her eye. “Something like that.”

Mulder leans back, one arm behind his head, a pose reminiscent of late nights in cheap motels. “How deep is the hospital in it, anyway?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Must be pretty bad if they’re taking one of their own off staff to investigate. With the son of a wealthy board member, no less. The lawyers must be having a field day.”

She snorts lightly. “They need your insights, Mulder. Tad’s interests are…let’s just say elsewhere.”

There’s the rustle of the sheets, the crinkle of cellophane, the telltale sound of a sunflower seed being excommunicated. “He asked you out, didn’t he?”

She pretends to be fascinated with invisible lint at the hem of her skirt as his eyes bore into her back. In the absence of an answer, his next question is inevitable.

“Did you say yes?”

She bites off the Not that it’s any of your business, but…and forces out a, “No.”

There’s a soft tsk, the squeak of the mattress springs. “Too bad for Tad.”

“Mulder—“

His fingers on her bare neck are feather-light, too familiar. She faces him, prepared to bristle, but there’s a spark in his eye and the hint of a smile on his lips, disarming her.

“Mulder,” she begins again, gently pulling away. “If we’re going to work, I need…we need to keep it professional.”

“Mm,” he purses his lips, glancing over his shoulder at the tousled sheets. “We have different definitions of professionalism.”

The shame hits her then, nearly rocking her back on her heels. It isn’t his fault they’re standing in this bedroom, standing in the past; he hadn’t coerced, begged, or even asked. She’d driven here of her own volition, pulled to him like a forgotten tide, and walked through the door to his scent, to the crest of their history breaking around them.

He’d taken her jacket, grazing her neck—an innocent gesture, born of familiarity and friendship, but with desperate consequences. It took one kiss and the empty space of weeks to silence the past’s awful roar, but now, in the absence of lust, it’s all she can hear. Her body is a traitor, but her heart is the one on trial.

“No, I get it,” he says finally, pulling a t-shirt over his head. “Things got a little…heavy.”

She snorts softly, feels an involuntary flush at his choice of words.

Heavy.

Her hands on his hips, guiding him, his tongue at the shell of her ear.

Heavy.

His hand over hers, their mouths close enough to share the same breath…

“It won’t happen again,” she says, interrupting the uninvited thoughts. Her cheeks ripen pink, but her voice is steady.

He ducks his head in a nod. “Sure. Professional,” he says, almost a whisper. Then: “Partners?”

“Partners,” she repeats, the word sticky in her throat.

She wills herself not to notice his hand on the small of her back as he shows her out of their home.

His home, she reminds herself, although it’s already begun to come back to her. The third step from the top creaks as they descend the stairs, the kitchen smells of coffee and cheap blue dish soap, and she knows the screen door will stick in its crooked frame; she’ll have to force it with her shoulder.

“This is the file?” he says, addressing scattered papers on the kitchen table.

“Um…yes. This should be everything. It’s…well, I’ll let you read it, then tell me what you think.”

“I always do,” he murmurs, fingers splayed on the case file, frowning. There’s a half-empty coffee mug leaving a damp stain on the worn oak, and she fights the urge to pick it up, take it to the sink. Her thumbnail presses a sharp crescent into her palm.

“Mulder? I’m going to…I should go.”

“Mmm?” He looks up, but the distance in his eyes says she’s already lost him to the intrigue, the promise of a new mystery. “Oh, sure. I’ll walk you out.”

At the door, he doesn’t lean in. Against her better judgment, she stands on tiptoe, angling upward to place a tentative kiss on his stubbled jaw. His hand finds hers and holds it a second or two longer than necessary.

“Later, partner.”

She wills her ankles not to wobble and her heels not to slip on the uneven ground, holding her back ramrod straight even as his curves easily against the doorframe. He waves as she’s getting into her car.

He doesn’t follow, because he knows she’ll be back.

She doesn’t look back, because she knows he is right.

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sagan-starstuff · 2 days

Text

Remnants

Everything that’s left of her broken dreams is standing at the counter, returning her smile.

Rated: PG Length: 1k

Notes: Post-episode for Per Manum

Originally posted on AO3 1/6/2016

~*~

The apartment is shrouded in gray when she returns, the last of her hopes printed on an appointment summary in her coat pocket. Upon seeing her face, he wishes he’d thought to turn on a light, so she wouldn’t have to come home to more darkness, his slumbering form on the couch not enough to fill this newfound emptiness.

“It didn’t take, did it?”

Disappointment shines in her eyes. Forehead to forehead, he waits until her breathing is calm to offer something more substantial than a promise, but the warmth of her skin under his fingers disarms him, gives him pause.

His hands cradle her face as their lips touch for only the second time, her arms wind around his neck like an anchor, pulling him down into her sorrowful sea.

~*~

Dr. Parenti’s delivery was kind, but she felt the news like a gunshot. It’s worse than Emily, this intangible loss. Failure hasn’t washed away the image of a young girl with auburn hair and almond eyes, or a boy with a shy, quirked smile.

She loves them, the ghosts of her unborn children and all they represented: The intimacy of family life, ringing laughter and a mantle lined with photographs.

A child’s cry cutting through the night, hushed lullabies and the love-drunk smell of a downy newborn head.

Saturday morning cartoons followed by pancakes and bacon, spilled milk and syrup-sticky fingers.

The stillness of reality plays a harsh contrast to her imagination as she listens to the silence of what could have been.

~*~

He wants to punch a hole through her pristine apartment wall. He wants to hunt down the faceless men who did this to her and kill them with his bare hands, until he’s bloody and sore and near death himself. He wants to run, to put miles and years between them, until his bad luck can’t touch her any more.

Sometimes he wishes he’d never followed when she tried to resign from the Bureau, that he wasn’t so chickenshit as to ask her to stay after paying the price for her loyalty several times over.

He’d signed away his rights, but the thing that makes his face burn and his stomach clench with shame, is that he’d wanted this for himself as much as her. Selfish bastard, he thinks. Still a chickenshit.

So he steels himself, grits his teeth and holds her until she pulls away. He takes her hand, leads her to the couch, offers to make tea.

He’ll stay, because he doesn’t have the courage to let her go.

He’ll stay, because he doesn't have the right to mourn what was never his to lose.

~*~

Mulder is opening cupboards, running water. Sleeves rolled to the elbows, he washes the dishes and waits for the kettle, then swipes at his forehead, leaving a trail of suds across one cheek. The sight brings an unexpected smile to her lips.

Her heart sinks with the enormity of her grief and the weight of too many unspoken words. Everything that’s left of her broken dreams is standing at the counter, returning her smile.

He settles on the opposite end of the couch, letting the mug warm his hands. She stares into hers for a few minutes before taking a slow sip, closing her eyes. When she opens them, she’s looking at him with an expression he’s seen only once before in real life, and too many times to count in recent fantasy.

“I love you.”

He blinks. His mouth must hang open, because she’s smiling at him now, a sad, tired smile.

“Don’t look so surprised,” she murmurs, hiding what’s left of her pride in her cup.

~*~

“What would you have done?” she asks. If it had worked, she doesn’t have to say.

“I’d have asked you on a date.”

She pauses to steady her cup on the coffee table, the tea sloshing in her startled hands. “A date?”

“You know—nice clothes, awkward conversation, an expensive wine list, at one of those places that mixes the salad dressing while you watch.”

“Really.”

“Really,” he returns, ducking his head.

“You’d ask your newly impregnated, platonic friend and colleague on an honest-to-goodness date.”

His smile is embarrassed enough to be convincing. “Yeah. I, uh…I thought…if I could give you…give you that…”

He stops, frowns. Her throat is tight when she finally breaks the silence. “Give me what?”

The tea goes cold before he can answer.

~*~

He wakes with a sore neck and Scully’s nose pressed into his hip, a throw tangled around her shoulders. The Late Late Show plays in the background, casting muted shadows on the walls.

She stirs when he stretches, blinking up at him from beneath sleep-addled lashes, as if seeing him for the first time. He wonders if this is what it’s like to hold a newborn; heart filled to bursting with terrifying awe.

“Mulder?”

“I’m here,” he murmurs, stroking the hair from her temple. “Sorry I woke you.”

“Mmph,” she says, her breath warming his abdomen through his t-shirt. “S’OK. I should get up, anyway.”

He nods in agreement, drawing his thumb gently along the plane of her cheek, but neither of them move for a long time.

~*~

She emerges from the bathroom just as he’s finished washing the mugs. Bare feet peek out from oversized silk pajamas, and she surprises herself, wrapping her arms around his waist before she can lose her nerve.

“I’ll stay, if you want,” he murmurs, and she loves him for offering so she doesn’t have to ask.

She loves him for so many reasons. Someday she’ll count the ways, line them up, and tuck them away; programmed, categorized, and easily referenced.

“I’d like that,” she says instead, words muffled by the thrum of his heart.

~*~

She fits perfectly in the circle of his arms, the way he always imagined she would. He times his breathing to the rise and fall of her chest and whispers a blessing into her hair.

“I wanted more for you, Scully.”

Her arms tighten around him, but she doesn't answer.

He holds what little hope is shared between them, and prays that it's enough.

~*~

cc @today-in-fic

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