My scary appointment is done

I was told she isn’t concerned that it’s anything super serious, but she IS concerned enough to refer me to get imaging done bc she couldn’t tell anything from just the physical exam SO. We’re just getting started I guess. At least I’m not scared I’ve got cancer anymore (mostly)

Big feelings vent

I feel like I’ve been nothing but mopey and detached for a while. If I’m not distracted by 6 things at once, that’s my default state lately. And it’s not a mystery as to why, I’m just refusing to face it.

I’m fucking scared. And unlike most of the time when I’m just scared and anxious about some nebulous nothing, this is a tangible, physical Thing I’m scared about. It’s something REALLY hard to ignore, which is why I need so many distractions all the fucking time just to keep going.

I keep telling myself that I’ll have an answer in a couple weeks and it’ll be better than the limbo I’m in, but I’m not even sure of that. Bc what if it’s the worst case scenario? Ive spent so much time thinking about the worst case scenario. Every detail about what would happen in the worst case scenario has crossed my mind. Including the Extra Scary thought that if it IS the worst case scenario, would I even have the strength to fight it? Mentally or physically??

And then on the other side, what if they tell me nothings wrong. Bc I KNOW something is. This isn’t normal, and I’m scared I’ll be ignored and disregarded and not treated like a person like I’ve been at doctors in the past.

I want an answer and also don’t want an answer at the same time. I just don’t want it to be happening. Bc I was starting to feel so much better, and then this came along and ruined it all.

And add on top of this, I have so few people in my life willing to help and listen to me saying all this shit, bc I’m incapable of making new meaningful connections with people. I can count my friends/loved ones on one hand and have some fingers left. And those people are wonderful and I love them and appreciate them so much. And they’re doing a lot to help. But bc they’re all I have I feel like I’m asking too much of them. It’s all going on them with no breaks, and I’m making everything about myself. I can’t have a normal conversation with any of them anymore bc it’s always just “hey distract me from my big scary thing” or “I’m feeling bad about my big scary thing”. And they have other things to do. Unlike me, they actually have lives with other people in them. So I just retreat into myself and stop talking to them. Bc they don’t want to hear about this 24/7. Idk maybe that’s why I’m putting all this here.

Having one of those days where i question whether or not i even wanna be here (tumblr) anymore

The Baby Is Upon Me. Purring his good vibe frequencies straight to my brain.

ft. Erik and Seph being nerds about Destiny in the bg lol

Love when Here Comes The Rain Again shuffles up unprompted while listening to Spotify so I can think about Morgan for 5 minutes.

Sitting in my net watching the mosquitos trying desperately to get to me. Haha. Get Reckt Idiot.

I got so mad that my new daily routine of sitting outside was interrupted by the arrival of The Mosquitos. Bc getting sun in the middle of the day has been genuinely good for my mental health. But for some reason, just potent mix of genetics I guess, I am a MAGNET for mosquitos.

We’re talking, 5 minutes outside = 10 bites. If I’m with other people, they’ll be untouched, I’ll have all the bites. A vacation to the lake was once ruined for me when I stepped outside without repellent for 15 minutes and came back in with, no shit, I counted, 43 mosquito bites

I didn’t want to have to drench myself in Deep Woods Off just to sit outside for an hour everyday. So, stupid problems require stupid solutions, and I bought a hangable mosquito net for my porch. Welcome to my new clubhouse, No Mosquitos Allowed, fuck off.

I got so mad that my new daily routine of sitting outside was interrupted by the arrival of The Mosquitos. Bc getting sun in the middle of the day has been genuinely good for my mental health. But for some reason, just potent mix of genetics I guess, I am a MAGNET for mosquitos.

We’re talking, 5 minutes outside = 10 bites. If I’m with other people, they’ll be untouched, I’ll have all the bites. A vacation to the lake was once ruined for me when I stepped outside without repellent for 15 minutes and came back in with, no shit, I counted, 43 mosquito bites

I didn’t want to have to drench myself in Deep Woods Off just to sit outside for an hour everyday. So, stupid problems require stupid solutions, and I bought a hangable mosquito net for my porch. Welcome to my new clubhouse, No Mosquitos Allowed, fuck off.

Reblog and put in the tags the fourth song that’s in your spotify on repeat playlist

Bothering the beast

gavin would love chappell roan trust me on this

I made the Scary Appointment about the Scary Symptoms, and I only cried a little bit, pls clap

Writing my silly little ocs doing silly little things to distract myself from the palpable paralyzing anxiety breathing down my neck.

Finally watched the new podcast episode and was SO called out by Seph’s condemnation of getting blue Powerade at a fast food place.

I’m sorry my hometown Whataburger didn’t have any other caffeine free options, ok??

My favourite vampire ever, Milo Rebaine xxx

Daveyyy ~

My first commission for @angelicaether <33

My commissions are open!! Info in my pinned post if you’re interested :3